Customer Types Spotted in the Wildon August 28, 2006 at 8:02 pm
An extreme version of the Blatherer, but doesn't ever stop to breath. Must be a robot.
This SC feels he can justify any unreasonable or nonsensical behavior by uttering the words, "It's the principle of the matter."
The Needy-This SC.
When confronted with that fact that what he wants isn't available or possible will come back with, "But I need it!" This is actually a spell which will turn the impossible into the possible or make the desired object appear in thin air. The spell only works when the word "need" is spoken with a drawn-out nasal whine. If the inflection on the whine is off, even a little, the spell won't work. That is why The Needy SC will repeat it multiple times.
The Speculator is a time-consuming bore. He can see into many possible future timelines simultaneously and wants to be prepared for all of them. He will start most sentences with "But, what if…" and finish with the whatever vision of a future timeline he is seeing that moment. The speculator always starts with the most statistically probable timeline. For example, "But what if my battery won't hold a charge?" It is best to be very vague with the Speculator because answering his questions will only encourage him to have more visions of progressively more unlikely timelines, such as, "But what if I lose my phone and my sister, who was on the account two years ago somehow figured out my password, and makes a call, but the battery dies, then she accidentally drops it in the pool, but it doesn't stay in there long because the dog fishes it out, only he chews on for a while before my grandfather finds it and…."
Sentence Fragment Barker.
The SC cannot use a full sentence in any of his communications. In stores he will bark out a word or two like "Milk!" or "Customer service desk!" or "Cash Back!"
The Ice Block.
The customer that apparently finds it totally acceptable to ignore everything the store employees say to them by acting like the employee isn't even there. Will only speak if they need us to do something for them, and will give very dirty looks if we can't meet their exact wishes (despite their request having been incredibly vague).
Begins drumming fingers on the counter impatiently as soon as they get in line. However quickly the checker is moving, or however few items this customer has to ring up, they still act like a five-year-old waiting at the doctor's office. If there is any delay in their checkout at all, they will start muttering things under their breath such as "C'mon, c'mon, let's go," "Hurry it up," or my personal favourite, "I don't have all day." When the transaction's done, they usually signal their departure with a loud and obtrusive sigh, or even "Finally!" and storm off in a rush.
The Shield of Feigned Sweetness.
The customer that sends employees off to do menial, ridiculous tasks for them (pick out a bag of fruit for them, run across the store to find a specific kind of cake that they totally could have picked up for themselves, throw away their used kleenex for them, etc.) while hedging their outlandish requests with syrupy-sweet "I hope it's not too much trouble"s, and "Oh, thank you soooooo much, I really appreciate that, now if you could just go and get ___ for me…"
"Now, I'm gonna need the frozen foods double-bagged in paper with a plastic bag around the outside, and the breads need to be sorted by flavour into plastic bags with two loaves each, and when you load the stuff into the cart, make sure that the produce is on the right and the meat is on the left, and…hey! You can't put those there!!! The eggs go on TOP!!!"