Bits and Pieces
By Phone Jockey
Customer: Modern technology…I’m a little dumbfounded when it comes to that.
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Customer: I was talking to a person & they lost me. Can I talk to the department that handles my issue about how I have an issue with all of you?
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Me: You owe $114, mam. How much can you pay?
Customer: $80. That’s almost half.
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Customer: I have a problem & I’m too dumb to tell you what it is.
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Customer: This TV goes out every time we have a storm or just when my dog pees on the cable box.
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Customer: Hey, I was out in the barn when the technician called. Then he said he wasn’t coming since I didn’t pick up the phone.
Me: OK, let me see if he’ll return to your house today, sir. (most of the time, they won't. You miss the call, too bad. I got this tech to go out & check out how he treats me.)
Customer: OK.
Me: Yes, he’ll return.
Customer: What time?
Me: I have no way of knowing.
Customer: Well, if I’m standing in compost, he can just wait!
Me: I’m not sure how he’ll handle that, sir.
Customer: I do. I’ll go to satellite!
Whoo freakin' hoo. GO. I just basically let him just hang up after that. I wasn't going to try to salvage Mr. Attitude.
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Customer: I think you have my old number on my account.
Me: OK, you have a new number?
Customer: Yes. It’s 555-1254.
Me: OK, so it’s no longer 555-8454.
Customer: No…EW!
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Customer: What is my address?
Me: Your name, please?
Customer: Joan Johnson.
Me: OK, on 180 Jones Lane?
Customer: Well, I can’t find my house.
Me: What?
Customer: Do you know how the house numbers run?
Me: No, mam.
Customer: Can you tell me how the house numbers run out here?
Me: Mam, I don’t have that information.
Customer: I don’t know where I live!
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I know she's elderly because she verified her date of birth (1935).
Customer: (elderly lady) I was trying to order my adult channel and now my TV screen is black.
Me: Is your TV on?
Customer: Well, no. Someone told me NOT to turn it on.
Me: Yeah, that wasn't me.
Customer: OK, I'm trying to buy this racy movie (!) but I can't.
Me: OK…let's reboot your box.
(5 minutes of rebooting)
Me: OK, can you buy it now?
Customer: Well, no.
Me: Are you hitting the "B" button on your remote control?
Customer: No. There is no "B" button or whatever you're calling it these days.
Me: Mam, are you using OUR remote? It has our company logo on the bottom.
Customer: Well, uh…no. This is the TV remote.
Me: Mam, you have to use OUR remote.
Customer: Oh! Oh well, I feel so silly!
Me: Indeed you do, mam.
Customer: Well, I just wasted your time. I'm so embarrassed!
Me: (not as embarrassed as I am about you watching "racy" movies!)
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Customer: The TV is on again.
Me: OK, go to channel three for me.
Customer: Tree? What?
Me: THREE.
Customer: I don’t know what that is.
Me: You don’t know what the number three is?
Customer: (sigh) I know what a TREE is.
Me: No, three.
Customer: T-R-E-E?
Me: T-H-R-E-E.
Customer: Three?
Me: Yes.
Customer: Three what?
And around we go!