Inlaws and events- cast a vote

[Mighty Girl]

My husband and I both just survived really severe sinus infections, with an added bonus of me having a reaction to my antibiotics. Our daughter, 4 yrs old, is also getting over a cold.

My sister in law (hubby's sis) has her birthday thing tonight. I don't "hate" her, but she's not my super most favorite person in the world. She's neve done anything to me, we just kind of clash in general. She's a self centered PITA who knows absolutely everything. Plus, her inlaws will be there, and they've got to be the most offensive people I've met that I've had to see on a somewhat regular basis.

So my husband says he doesn't want to go to the thing, so he tells them that we're all still sick. I told him that he could have just said he was sick, that I wouldn't go over there without him because it's HIS sister's bday. He thinks they would expect me to make an appearance with the kiddo without him. I mean, if it were Christmas or something, I could see it, but a birthday?

If it was my mom's birthday and I was ill, I wouldn't expect him to take our daughter over there. And my mom wouldn't expect it either.

So- what do you think? Do you visit your inlaws without your spouse?

[digilight]

I don't but my does at times. She's stop by my parents house to drop something off or pick something up and end up getting stuck there for an hour or longer at times (sometimes I think my parents like her better then me :) But I'm the other way around, I hate going out if I can avoid it, so unless I'm forced to, my ass is keeping the couch from going airborn.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Well, I don't have in-laws, but I guess it would depend on the relationship I had with them. If I was friendly with them aside from the spousal connection, then, yeah, I would probably go without the spouse. In my family, my dad is friends with my mom's siblings; he plays golf and stuff with her brother and things like that, so he likely would go solo to a family party if my mom couldn't go...(my dad's family doesn't live near us but I suspect the same would be true of my mom if they were close by). Given that you don't have that kind of relationship I would agree that you shouldn't be expected to go without him. Like you said, it's not a major holiday, and I'm guessing not even a big "milestone" birthday, since you don't mention how old she is. On the other hand, a little white lie isn't going to hurt anyone, and if it makes things easier between him and his family, I don't see the harm in saying you're all still not quite up to par.

[justZu]

I have been married for so long that my in-laws are as familiar to me as my own family. I would go to their homes without my husband and feel comfortable. But, that is me, not everyone has the same relationships.
I know some people who will never go to their in-laws' house, even with their spouse.

Do what you feel comfortable with, that's usually the best thing.

[FuzzyKitten99]

I guess it would depend on the event and the number of in-laws at the event. If Dh was not able to make it, I would try to, with or without our boys, maybe just to represent our family, even if for an hour or two. I enjoy my in-laws (both sides) and I am comfortable enough around them to go on my own. Ironically though, I actually like my mother-in-law's siblings and their families better than my MIL herself! Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike her, but I feel like I am more at ease and have more in common with her siblings and their families for some reason.

[Mighty Girl]

Yeah, I can see a lot of the views that all of you have brought up. My dad and grandpa (mom's dad) used to golf together. As I'm sure you know all relationships are complex- excuse me while I morph into TMI Girl......

I was friends with my sister in law before I dated my husband. But she's changed and so have I- basically I've matured and she has regressed. Plus we're just totally different. She's a tree-hugging, vegetarian, childless by choice person who's into wine, gardening and art. She has MANY pets, and actually has portraits done of them to hand out just like parents do with their kids. And she gets a little miffed when we don't buy them presents for holidays. I'm a married (obviously) carnivore up to my elbows in potty training, play dates, etc. If she wasn't family, we would have lost contact long ago. Added to that- there is some friction with my mil and fil. I thought mil was a friend who could be trusted for me to talk to, but she twisted my words around and now I tell her nothing. My fil is a chauvinist.

So- sorry that was long. I REALLY like my husband's extended family, so go figure. I would gladly go to an event at his cousin's house without him (and have done so).

So anyway, there's my little diatribe. My sister in law is early thirties, but with the maturity of a sophmore in high school.

[Killer Bees]

Don't visit anyone unless you like them. Their title/relationship to you does not matter.

People get all caught up in "it's my birthday you HAVE to come" or "but we're family, you OWE me."

That's complete and utter shite. You do what you want and if others can't deal that's their problem.

[CaroPhoenix]

I keep urging my husband to go visit his parents without me and our daughter. Every time we all go to visit, daughter gets sick. Every. Time. Hubby won't go without me or daughter. GRRRRRRRR ..... I can't stand the in-laws.

Don't visit them. Anyone of you could get sick again. I know it's not fun being sick, almost getting over it and then getting re-sick again. Who cares if they think you're rude? You're thinking about everyone's health, if they don't appreciate it, then well, poo on them.

[FuzzyKitten99]

She's a tree-hugging, vegetarian, childless by choice person who's into wine, gardening and art. ... My sister in law is early thirties, but with the maturity of a sophmore in high school.

It has been my experience that people of this kind of personality & lifestyle tend to be this way. Forever immature, although they act like they are to be worshipped and looked up to, and get all in a tizzy when people don't do it.

[Mighty Girl]

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the other people that were going to be there.

But my sister in law's inlaws.....that's another matter. Her Stepfather-in-law is a racist, chauvinist, lying bag of hot air that never knows when to shut up. He makes jokes about animal cruelty and he stares at you for no good reason. One of her brother in laws (the one who lives several states away, gee I wonder why) is normal, the rest are a bunch of rednecks complete with confederate flags on their pickup trucks and chewing tobacco in their lips.

It's just icky. I'm sooooo glad they're not MY inlaws.

[Boozy]

Don't visit anyone unless you like them. Their title/relationship to you does not matter.


In an ideal world, that would be true, and no one's feelings would get hurt.

But in reality, sometimes we need to attend events we don't want for people we don't like. I don't particularly like visiting my mother-in-law, but she and my husband would be dreadfully hurt and offended if I never visited. So I put up with it for a few days twice a year, with a smile on my face. A few days of discomfort for me is worth it to avoid years of animosity.

[iradney]

I quite like my Not-quite-Inlaws (so named due to TTO not having proposed yet). I don't get to visit with them very often as they are travelling around southern africa. But they do pop by to visit every now and then, and I enjoy speaking with them.
TTO had to spend some bonding time with my Dad the last time we were visiting my parents, as my Mom and I went off for girl time. They apparently had a ball :)

[Mighty Girl]

But in reality, sometimes we need to attend events we don't want for people we don't like. I don't particularly like visiting my mother-in-law, but she and my husband would be dreadfully hurt and offended if I never visited. So I put up with it for a few days twice a year, with a smile on my face. A few days of discomfort for me is worth it to avoid years of animosity.

I totally understand that too, it's like the lesser of two evils. Do I want to just get through this, or deal with the fallout?

[Boozy]

I totally understand that too, it's like the lesser of two evils. Do I want to just get through this, or deal with the fallout?

Yeah - there are times when the actual event is so heinous that the fallout seems pleasant in comparison! :lol:

Would your husband be hurt, or just your in-laws? That's a big factor to consider.

(Just FYI - Although I do visit my in-laws frequently, I never go without my husband. That's a deal-breaker for me.)