Seshat
03-08-2008, 08:58 AM
Unfortunately, we get 'help, I'm being harassed' questions fairly often. I thought it might be a good idea for those of us who keep giving the same responses over and over to be able to put all our standard advice in one place.
That way, we can link to the standard advice, then provide only the advice specific to the situation. It also means we won't forget any of our standard advice.
So this is that place. I'll start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is harassment?
Harassment is repeated unwanted attention, that continues after the victim has clearly stated that it is unwanted.
Admittedly, there are forms of repeated unwanted attention which are perfectly legal; the police may pursue a criminal regardless of the criminal's desire for them to stop, or a violently insane person can be forcibly medicated under very specific circumstances. But the definition in the paragraph above will do fine for the general case.
Is it my fault?
No. It is never your fault that you are harassed. You cannot force someone else to continue to contact you!
However, it is your responsibility to clearly tell the other person that their attention is unwanted. Until you do, they may be under the (incorrect) belief that you want the attention; and they may certainly claim to officials that they believed you wanted it.
Most advice for harassment victims says that once you've told them to stop, you should avoid initiating direct contact with your harasser. I strongly agree. Any necessary contact should be through someone else: preferably the police, your HR department, or other officials.
What is the difference between sexual and non-sexual harassment?
Whether the harassment contains a sexual element. Otherwise, they're pretty much the same.
Is harassment illegal? What about sexual harassment?
Almost everywhere in the developed world, yes, it is. Your local police can tell you for sure.
What's the difference between sexual harassment and flirting?
A sane, sensible flirt will pay attention to the other person's responses. If the other person flirts back, the flirt will continue. If not, the flirt will immediately back off and resume normal, non-flirty conversation.
A harasser continues even when not being flirted with. Worse, a harasser may well continue even when the other person is clearly uncomfortable.
Some harassers are bullies, and enjoy making other people uncomfortable. If you (or a friend or co-worker) are clearly uncomfortable and someone continues to 'flirt' with you, it's not flirting, it's bullying. And it's harassment. And it's illegal.
Some people honestly don't realise how uncomfortable unwelcome flirting can make people. If you have a friend who keeps flirting even when the target of their flirt isn't interested, be a good friend to your friend. Stop him or her, and try to explain why. (You can see the reasons why in many, many threads on this site.)
If you realise, reading this, that you yourself flirt even when other people aren't flirting back - please stop doing that.
What's the difference between harassment and 'just being friends'?
Much the same as with the flirting question: is it reciprocated?
A customer who keeps coming in and asking one or two polite, non-intrusive questions is fine, even if you're not friends. A customer who is a friend (as in, you think of them as a friend!) is fine.
A customer who acts as if they're your best friend, keeps coming in, keeps trying to presume upon the non-existent friendship, is not.
What do I do if I'm being harassed?
1. Document. Write down everything you remember having happened up until the day you realised it was harassment, with dates and times if you can remember them.
Ask willing friends and co-workers to write down what they remember.
Then keep the document updated, and keep multiple copies. Keep the copies separate from each other, but in safe places where noone else will find them.
Do not keep copies where the harasser might find them.
2. If you feel unsafe, go straight to step 7. Bypass all the intermediate steps.
3. If you think the harassment isn't intended, and isn't bullying, you may wish to be discreet about your first attempt to get them to stop. You may choose to just say something like "it makes me uncomfortable when you flirt with me, please stop" or "I really don't want you to keep asking me about my personal life, please stop."
Your request must be unambiguous, and you definitely should tell them which of their behaviours upsets you. Don't just say 'stop that'. Don't just squirm uncomfortably.
Even if you're trying to let them save face, do not go somewhere private with a harasser! That's never safe. Stay where you can be easily seen by your friends, co-workers, or the general public. Off to one side of a room is fine, in an alcove or around a corner is not.
Document what you said, what he said, and the date and time.
4. If you don't want to be discreet, or being discreet doesn't work, ask them to stop with a witness. Ensure your witness is willing to make an affidavit - that means a legal document stating what they saw. Your local police can help you with an affidavit form.
When you tell them to stop with a witness, it's even more important that you are clear, not ambiguous, and tell them what behaviour you want them to stop. You don't have to name specific, individual behaviours: you can describe their behaviour in general phrases like "flirting with me" or "trying to talk about my personal life."
The two key things are tell them to stop and name the behaviour or behaviours. In addition to that, an excellent phrase to use is "I want our dealings to be purely professional."
If your harasser is not a customer, or there is no need for you to deal with the harasser on a professional level, you can say - and mean - "I never want to see you again" or "I want you to go away."
Document the date and time you told your harasser to stop, and what you and they said. Have your witness write an independent document, and both of you keep a copy of both documents.
5. Unless you must interact with your harasser on a professional level, never speak directly to the harasser again. If he calls and your caller ID shows that it's him, let it go to voicemail. If he texts you, don't reply. If he calls and does get you, hang up without saying anything else once you realise it's him. If you get email or mail, don't respond to it. Need I mention that the contents of any voicemails, texts or emails get added to your documentation?
If he approaches you on the street and there are shops nearby, go into the nearest shop and wait for him to pass. If he waits outside for you to leave, ask the assistant to call the police. If he follows you in, say nothing to him - and if he tries to push you to talk to him, ask the assistant to call the police. It does put the sales assistant in a difficult situation, but being in a shop gives you witnesses who are inclined to act. Being on the street, even a busy street, makes you vulnerable to the bystander effect (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-bystander-effect.htm). (Also see Wikipedia on bystander effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect).)
If he catches you in person in a place where you can't escape him easily, keep walking towards the nearest place where there are lots of people, and call the police while you do so. Do not respond to him if he tries to talk to you. If you know of a police station and it's one of the closest places you can go, go there! A fire station is another good safe-place to wait for the police. A petrol station with a silent alarm and security cameras is a reasonable third choice, as is a busy shopping centre.
Your car is not the ideal choice - you have to stop to unlock the doors and get in, and if you have a remote unlocking system that unlocks more than one door, he might get in with you. If he approaches you in a parking lot, you're usually better off going back rather than to your car, especially if 'back' has lights and people.
Document all encounters.
6. If telling them to stop doesn't make the behaviour stop, get help. If your harasser is a customer or co-worker (and doesn't make you feel unsafe), talk to management. If your immediate management isn't willing to act, go to their boss. Keep going up the chain until you find management who is willing to act, or if noone is, talk to your department of labour or your union or whoever in your country is responsible for the well-being of employees.
7. If you feel unsafe, or if none of the preceding steps work, go to the police. Let them help you, and take their advice.
Take your documentation, especially your statement/s and your witness' statement/s that you have told your harasser to stop. See Crazylegs' comment below: the police may not be able to act until you've told the harasser to stop. Your documentation is proof that you have, especially if you had a witness has written an affidavit (or is willing to).
Be aware that the police can only act on verified situations, or may require an intervention order or restraining order before they can act. This is why you collect affidavits: they make it easier for the police to get such an order. If the police want to witness the harassment themselves, let a plainclothes cop hang around your store on a day the harasser usually shows up. If they want video or audio evidence, get it. If they want a restraining order, get it.
If necessary, if you think your harasser might know where you live or follow you from work, move to a shelter. The police may be able to help you find one, or you can call hotlines and charities. Even call hotlines such as the domestic violence hotline - even if they can't help you themselves, they'll know who can.
What do I do if the boss/my workplace won't listen?
In most developed countries, there is someone whose responsibility is workplace safety. Contact them. If you aren't sure who they are, the police will probably know, or your union, or people on this board.
What do I do if I don't feel safe?
Go straight to the police. If you think your harasser might follow you home, or might know where you live, consider moving to a shelter. The police can give you advice specific to your location and situation.
Don't let your employer say 'it's not a big deal'. If you don't feel safe, it is a big deal.
Also, pick up a copy of the book "The Gift of Fear (https://www.gavindebecker.com/books-gof.cfm)" by Gavin deBecker. It includes a great deal of information about how to tell when a situation is potentially dangerous, and how to get out of there before things go sour.
That way, we can link to the standard advice, then provide only the advice specific to the situation. It also means we won't forget any of our standard advice.
So this is that place. I'll start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is harassment?
Harassment is repeated unwanted attention, that continues after the victim has clearly stated that it is unwanted.
Admittedly, there are forms of repeated unwanted attention which are perfectly legal; the police may pursue a criminal regardless of the criminal's desire for them to stop, or a violently insane person can be forcibly medicated under very specific circumstances. But the definition in the paragraph above will do fine for the general case.
Is it my fault?
No. It is never your fault that you are harassed. You cannot force someone else to continue to contact you!
However, it is your responsibility to clearly tell the other person that their attention is unwanted. Until you do, they may be under the (incorrect) belief that you want the attention; and they may certainly claim to officials that they believed you wanted it.
Most advice for harassment victims says that once you've told them to stop, you should avoid initiating direct contact with your harasser. I strongly agree. Any necessary contact should be through someone else: preferably the police, your HR department, or other officials.
What is the difference between sexual and non-sexual harassment?
Whether the harassment contains a sexual element. Otherwise, they're pretty much the same.
Is harassment illegal? What about sexual harassment?
Almost everywhere in the developed world, yes, it is. Your local police can tell you for sure.
What's the difference between sexual harassment and flirting?
A sane, sensible flirt will pay attention to the other person's responses. If the other person flirts back, the flirt will continue. If not, the flirt will immediately back off and resume normal, non-flirty conversation.
A harasser continues even when not being flirted with. Worse, a harasser may well continue even when the other person is clearly uncomfortable.
Some harassers are bullies, and enjoy making other people uncomfortable. If you (or a friend or co-worker) are clearly uncomfortable and someone continues to 'flirt' with you, it's not flirting, it's bullying. And it's harassment. And it's illegal.
Some people honestly don't realise how uncomfortable unwelcome flirting can make people. If you have a friend who keeps flirting even when the target of their flirt isn't interested, be a good friend to your friend. Stop him or her, and try to explain why. (You can see the reasons why in many, many threads on this site.)
If you realise, reading this, that you yourself flirt even when other people aren't flirting back - please stop doing that.
What's the difference between harassment and 'just being friends'?
Much the same as with the flirting question: is it reciprocated?
A customer who keeps coming in and asking one or two polite, non-intrusive questions is fine, even if you're not friends. A customer who is a friend (as in, you think of them as a friend!) is fine.
A customer who acts as if they're your best friend, keeps coming in, keeps trying to presume upon the non-existent friendship, is not.
What do I do if I'm being harassed?
1. Document. Write down everything you remember having happened up until the day you realised it was harassment, with dates and times if you can remember them.
Ask willing friends and co-workers to write down what they remember.
Then keep the document updated, and keep multiple copies. Keep the copies separate from each other, but in safe places where noone else will find them.
Do not keep copies where the harasser might find them.
2. If you feel unsafe, go straight to step 7. Bypass all the intermediate steps.
3. If you think the harassment isn't intended, and isn't bullying, you may wish to be discreet about your first attempt to get them to stop. You may choose to just say something like "it makes me uncomfortable when you flirt with me, please stop" or "I really don't want you to keep asking me about my personal life, please stop."
Your request must be unambiguous, and you definitely should tell them which of their behaviours upsets you. Don't just say 'stop that'. Don't just squirm uncomfortably.
Even if you're trying to let them save face, do not go somewhere private with a harasser! That's never safe. Stay where you can be easily seen by your friends, co-workers, or the general public. Off to one side of a room is fine, in an alcove or around a corner is not.
Document what you said, what he said, and the date and time.
4. If you don't want to be discreet, or being discreet doesn't work, ask them to stop with a witness. Ensure your witness is willing to make an affidavit - that means a legal document stating what they saw. Your local police can help you with an affidavit form.
When you tell them to stop with a witness, it's even more important that you are clear, not ambiguous, and tell them what behaviour you want them to stop. You don't have to name specific, individual behaviours: you can describe their behaviour in general phrases like "flirting with me" or "trying to talk about my personal life."
The two key things are tell them to stop and name the behaviour or behaviours. In addition to that, an excellent phrase to use is "I want our dealings to be purely professional."
If your harasser is not a customer, or there is no need for you to deal with the harasser on a professional level, you can say - and mean - "I never want to see you again" or "I want you to go away."
Document the date and time you told your harasser to stop, and what you and they said. Have your witness write an independent document, and both of you keep a copy of both documents.
5. Unless you must interact with your harasser on a professional level, never speak directly to the harasser again. If he calls and your caller ID shows that it's him, let it go to voicemail. If he texts you, don't reply. If he calls and does get you, hang up without saying anything else once you realise it's him. If you get email or mail, don't respond to it. Need I mention that the contents of any voicemails, texts or emails get added to your documentation?
If he approaches you on the street and there are shops nearby, go into the nearest shop and wait for him to pass. If he waits outside for you to leave, ask the assistant to call the police. If he follows you in, say nothing to him - and if he tries to push you to talk to him, ask the assistant to call the police. It does put the sales assistant in a difficult situation, but being in a shop gives you witnesses who are inclined to act. Being on the street, even a busy street, makes you vulnerable to the bystander effect (http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-bystander-effect.htm). (Also see Wikipedia on bystander effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect).)
If he catches you in person in a place where you can't escape him easily, keep walking towards the nearest place where there are lots of people, and call the police while you do so. Do not respond to him if he tries to talk to you. If you know of a police station and it's one of the closest places you can go, go there! A fire station is another good safe-place to wait for the police. A petrol station with a silent alarm and security cameras is a reasonable third choice, as is a busy shopping centre.
Your car is not the ideal choice - you have to stop to unlock the doors and get in, and if you have a remote unlocking system that unlocks more than one door, he might get in with you. If he approaches you in a parking lot, you're usually better off going back rather than to your car, especially if 'back' has lights and people.
Document all encounters.
6. If telling them to stop doesn't make the behaviour stop, get help. If your harasser is a customer or co-worker (and doesn't make you feel unsafe), talk to management. If your immediate management isn't willing to act, go to their boss. Keep going up the chain until you find management who is willing to act, or if noone is, talk to your department of labour or your union or whoever in your country is responsible for the well-being of employees.
7. If you feel unsafe, or if none of the preceding steps work, go to the police. Let them help you, and take their advice.
Take your documentation, especially your statement/s and your witness' statement/s that you have told your harasser to stop. See Crazylegs' comment below: the police may not be able to act until you've told the harasser to stop. Your documentation is proof that you have, especially if you had a witness has written an affidavit (or is willing to).
Be aware that the police can only act on verified situations, or may require an intervention order or restraining order before they can act. This is why you collect affidavits: they make it easier for the police to get such an order. If the police want to witness the harassment themselves, let a plainclothes cop hang around your store on a day the harasser usually shows up. If they want video or audio evidence, get it. If they want a restraining order, get it.
If necessary, if you think your harasser might know where you live or follow you from work, move to a shelter. The police may be able to help you find one, or you can call hotlines and charities. Even call hotlines such as the domestic violence hotline - even if they can't help you themselves, they'll know who can.
What do I do if the boss/my workplace won't listen?
In most developed countries, there is someone whose responsibility is workplace safety. Contact them. If you aren't sure who they are, the police will probably know, or your union, or people on this board.
What do I do if I don't feel safe?
Go straight to the police. If you think your harasser might follow you home, or might know where you live, consider moving to a shelter. The police can give you advice specific to your location and situation.
Don't let your employer say 'it's not a big deal'. If you don't feel safe, it is a big deal.
Also, pick up a copy of the book "The Gift of Fear (https://www.gavindebecker.com/books-gof.cfm)" by Gavin deBecker. It includes a great deal of information about how to tell when a situation is potentially dangerous, and how to get out of there before things go sour.