Apparently Im on very thin ice -help?

[Enigma]

Alright, so as I've mentioned in previous posts, I get along really well with most of my CSMs, but especially three CSMs who are male, and are close to my age (R, K and E). Well I found out today that a certain co-worker (who has a very public crush on R)has been spreading around that R and I are dating- a fireable offense at my job. Now R and myself are very similar, and thus we hit it off as friends immediatly, we've even hung out outside of work- but always with a few other co-workers (addicted to Brawl, woot!), and I know they wouldn't say anything at work, because these two other people hate the girl who's saying this - not that hanging out is a fireable offense. Co-workers have asked if we were dating before, because we're always joking around (apparently) or catching lunch together, but I've always made it very clear we're not dating, won't ever date and that they shouldn't be saying that.

What ticks me off about this is:

1.) This is absolutly untrue. I do, sort of like R, I'll admit. But I like my job far too much to say anything, and I haven't. To anyone. But in the end, there is no truth to this rumor, and it's annoying for people to start things up like this.

2.) This means I can't hang out with R as much. I know what I have to do in that sense. We have to cut back on the friendship because some stupid jealous little girl decided to start this, before there were no problems- in the end I understand he's my boss, I do what I'm told, and he in turn respects that I'm a good worker.

3.) I don't know who she's told, or whats really been said. If this gets to management, we could both be fired for something that's simply not true! It's a 'no questions asked' policy, so if someone decides to make a stink about it, we're screwed.

What I need to know is this: should I just sit back and hope it all difuses itself, or should I talk to manangment about false things being said? Like I said, I know this means I can't be friends with R the same way, and I'll have to deal. But I don't think she should be able to just start things. I'm a little worried to see how she reacts. I did confront her about it, and she denied it- until I mentioned who she told it too, at which point she just turned red. I told her that I hope she understands that this could get R fired just as quickly, and I would appreciate it if she would stop. I was very nice and told her I wasn't mad or anything, I just didn't want anyone to lose a job over silly rumors. I guess I'm just worried that someone will hear the rumor and not decide to hear the truth.

[powerboy]

I would say go to management and just let them about it. Just let them know about how you and them are just friends and how you only hang out when the other coworkers can be there. But I would have them mention it to the manager one by one. At least then, it would be documented.

[Boozy]

Some things are self-evident from your post, but I think you need to see them laid out for you:

1. You like him.

2. He likes you (and I think you know this).

3. You see each other outside of work.

4. Two single people who are attracted to one another and spend time together socially are sort of dating, even if they haven't ended up in the sack yet.

5. There is always a grain of truth to every rumour, and this one is no exception.

So which do you like better: The job or R?

Before you answer, consider that R's job is also in danger.

So you both have a decision to make. I can't offer any advice on that end, because only you know your own heart and how important and/or replaceable this job is to you. But I hope I've at least helped make things clearer in your mind.

Edited to add: I personally disagree with workplace policies that dictate who you can and can't sleep with outside of work. I know a lot of people will defend the company on this, but I think rules like this cause more problems than they solve. If I were you, I'd continue to "date" R, and dare the company to show me how my or his work has suffered as a result.

[Bright_Star]

Some things are self-evident from your post, but I think you need to see them laid out for you:

1. You like him.

2. He likes you (and I think you know this).

3. You see each other outside of work.

4. Two single people who are attracted to one another and spend time together socially are sort of dating, even if they haven't ended up in the sack yet.

5. There is always a grain of truth to every rumour, and this one is no exception.

So which do you like better: The job or R?

Before you answer, consider that R's job is also in danger.

So you both have a decision to make. I can't offer any advice on that end, because only you know your own heart and how important and/or replaceable this job is to you. But I hope I've at least helped make things clearer in your mind.

Edited to add: I personally disagree with workplace policies that dictate who you can and can't sleep with outside of work. I know a lot of people will defend the company on this, but I think rules like this cause more problems than they solve. If I were you, I'd continue to "date" R, and dare the company to show me how my or his work has suffered as a result.


What two people do outside of work is nobody's business UNLESS it affects their job performance. Sounds like a typical case of gossiping gone overboard.

[blas87]

I call bullshit. Usually, companies with rules like that turn a blind eye when a manager is screwing a pee-on employee. Or like where I work, one of the supervisors flirts with every male under 30.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Edited to add: I personally disagree with workplace policies that dictate who you can and can't sleep with outside of work. I know a lot of people will defend the company on this, but I think rules like this cause more problems than they solve. If I were you, I'd continue to "date" R, and dare the company to show me how my or his work has suffered as a result.

Unless R is in a position that makes him a supervisor to the OP and the OP reports to him, it shouldn't be any of the company's business if they are dating. I have dated co-workers several times.

The problem is when you have a manager or a supervisor dating a subordinate, because of the possibility of preferential treatment, which I have seen happen firsthand.

[AKWalMartCartGuy]

I would say go to management and just let them about it. Just let them know about how you and them are just friends and how you only hang out when the other coworkers can be there. But I would have them mention it to the manager one by one. At least then, it would be documented.that sounds like good advice, the policy states that you can't date anyone who can influence your schedule, so you should be fine, but If I had those rumors circulating I wouldn't be spending any time alone with said supervisor. if your store is like mine they won't just fire you unless they have proof, but don't give them anything that looks bad, because people will think anything. management knows about the rumor mill, they've all been a victim of it at some point

in most cases it's none of the companies business(that's another reason I don't gossip, it's none of mine either) as long as you don't end up having someone's SO doing their evals, schedule, or giving them a promotion, which is what would happen if they allowed salaried management to date hourlies, but they could easily change the policy so that they could have people go to another manager or something(my store has 12 salaried managers, they could find one)

[marasbaras]

Before going to anyone in management, talk to R about it.

And, honestly, if you want to hang out with him, just do it more away from work.

[Enigma]

Some things are self-evident from your post, but I think you need to see them laid out for you:

1. You like him.

2. He likes you (and I think you know this).

3. You see each other outside of work.

4. Two single people who are attracted to one another and spend time together socially are sort of dating, even if they haven't ended up in the sack yet.

5. There is always a grain of truth to every rumour, and this one is no exception.

So which do you like better: The job or R?

Before you answer, consider that R's job is also in danger.

So you both have a decision to make. I can't offer any advice on that end, because only you know your own heart and how important and/or replaceable this job is to you. But I hope I've at least helped make things clearer in your mind.

Edited to add: I personally disagree with workplace policies that dictate who you can and can't sleep with outside of work. I know a lot of people will defend the company on this, but I think rules like this cause more problems than they solve. If I were you, I'd continue to "date" R, and dare the company to show me how my or his work has suffered as a result.

We have talked it over a little, we both agreed that we would be willing to take the risk. But that's the problem, I don't mind risking my Job, but R has a lot going for him, and I don't want him to lose that. I also agree that neither of our work has suffered at all, like I said, we understand how not to let our feelings get in our way.

And I do want to add that while we have hung out, we haven't hung out with just eachother, it's been with a group of friends. Well, except for when we grab lunch.

I'm going to talk all this over with R tomorrow, and see about letting managment know about the rumors.

[Slytovhand]

Uh - yeah - what the others said...

Except - I think you'll find that such a policy regarding who you see or are with outside of work, which has no impact on what occurs during work, is an offense against the Human Rights Act, and the Anti-Discrimination Act - which, coincidentally, is what makes the girl starting the rumour out of line - you are not allowed to make comments on another employees personal choices (be they religion, politics, sexuality, partners, etc). Management is in the same boat here - if they fire either of you, it falls under the same legislation.

If such a relationship has an impact on promotions and other forms of favouritism, then it isn't actually the relationship that is the issue - it's the workplace performance. And that goes for bosses hiring their siblings or other extended family members - not a lot you can do in those cases, if it's a privately owned business.


But - that's sort of besides the point here. Firstly - I wouldn't stop being friends with someone just because of an implied threat (being the narky bastard that I am, I'd probably go out of my way to be more 'friendly' (but not sexual or throwing inuendo) at work - just to rub it in their face :P).

But definitely point out to those concerned that a rumour had started, and it has no basis for foundation (and maybe mention the above, sort of as an aside... :P)

Good Luck!

Slyt

[tropicsgoddess]

I would talk to R and management (one at a time) , but also see if R can talk to management as well so that they know from both of you that the rumors of you two dating are false.

[lordlundar]

Yeah, take a preemptive strike on it. Rumours are based on lies that spread and people take as truth (5 people told me this, so it must be true) The only way to stop rumours is to get the truth out to the people that matter before the lie reaches them. Talk to R, and then to management. Be honest, and don't go defensive. That way when the rumour gets to them, they have the truth before hand and is can cause trouble for the person starting the rumour.

[Hello Kitty]

If the gossip is a fireable offence, then love sick girl should be fired! Tell your boss that the rumours she's been spreading around has made you very uncomfortable, and point out that it's a fireable offence.

Keep us updated, please! :)

[Eric the Grey]

Uh - yeah - what the others said...

Except - I think you'll find that such a policy regarding who you see or are with outside of work, which has no impact on what occurs during work, is an offense against the Human Rights Act, and the Anti-Discrimination Act - which, coincidentally, is what makes the girl starting the rumour out of line - you are not allowed to make comments on another employees personal choices (be they religion, politics, sexuality, partners, etc). Management is in the same boat here - if they fire either of you, it falls under the same legislation.

That may well depend on where the OP lives and works. Not all places have the same laws. In Colorado, for example, a company can fire you for any or no reason at all. They don't have to give a reason, just "See ya!" and out you go.

To the OP, it sounds to me as though you have some decisions to make, you and R. If you do decide you want to keep seeing each other, perhaps a change of jobs is in order? You need to decide if you'll be happier NOT having a serious relationship with R or being able to do so openly.

If it were me, I'd find a way to make it work.


:cool: Eric the Grey

[Enigma]

I want to make sure this is still clear on this update: R and I are not dating. At all.



But anyway, in the last week I took some action. I did go to my AM and let him know of rumours that are being spread around, and how they made me uncomfortable. He said that he had already heard them and put a stop to them, which made me feel a lot better, knowing he was on my (our?) side in this. As for R, it's kinda weird. He and I have just been hanging out like we normally do, but last night I was on MSN IM and talking with another of my CSM's, K who mentioned that he thought Ryan liked me, and vis-versa. He actually told me that he would support it. I was wary, I mean I love K to death, but I'm not about to let anyone know about the truth in the situation. Anyway, he mentioned that R once said that the reason he didn't ask me out was because of 'rules and complications'.

Which got me to thinking. I know some people have mentioned quitting my job, but the thing is I have found a job where I don't wake up every morning feeling like I have to call in. I don't love my job, but I love the people and the environment. I have a friend there who is getting another job, and I know at least 3 of my CSM's are going to recommend me for her replacement. I've been talked to about whether I'm interested in becoming a CSM by managment (which I am, but would take a long time to get too). I just don't want to trade that for something that may or may not work.

On the other hand K suggested I move departments, the problem is that I enjoy front end. I don't think I could do stock without killing someone. Too boring. And I'm not even sure if that would put me in the clear. K insists that it's only direct supervisors, or salaried managment that provides a problem, but I don't know if it would. On the other hand I feel awkward, I mean, just seeing R makes me feel better. I feel pathetic. Hahaha, figures.

Anyway, I would like advice...but I know in the end it's about my decisions. Wish me luck, I'm going to sit back and try and just wait this out.

[lordlundar]

Wish me luck, I'm going to sit back and try and just wait this out.

That's pretty much the best piece of advice I can think of. There's nothing wrong with being friends, and there's no reason you should give up something you (relatively) enjoy just for his sake. If you quit, there should be a work related reason for it, not that you feel mushy about someone. If you can get your work done and still be friends with him, then there's no problem.

Too many people I have seen take being friends as a personal shot. Anything happening should be at your own pace, no one else's.