Abusive boy friends...

[VenomX]

This is going to be LONG!

A few months ago I was working noon to 9pm. A woman comes in about 8pm and is crying. She tells me what she wants and I sell it to her. Then I ask if she is ok. She asked to use the phone to call her mother to come pick her up. Seems she got into a fight with her boy friend, he hit her, and she left without her car because he hid the car keys.

She is talking to her mom when her boy friend arrives, he grabes the phone and slams it down. I tell him to get the f*ck out. And I take her to the back. I called 911 and told them what was going on and the police show up. He lived accross the street and up 3 buildings The police talk to her and she only wants the car keys so she can go home. The police go to his house and try to get her keys and he wont give them to the police. He gets arrested for being drunk and wanting to fight the police. They wouldnt have done a thing to him if he had just gave up the keys.

They find her keys under the couch and give them to her. All over and she left him right? WRONG!

Two days later here they both come pulling up in her car. He gets out and comes into the store. I tell him to get out because of him slamming down OUR phone. He gets mad and leaves. She comes in days later crying yet again and I totally ignore her and sell her the cigarettes she wants and go on to the next customer.

She is still with him months later...

Last week I am outside pumping gas. Young man and woman pull up. Woman is driving, I ask her how much she wanted. She tells me how much and I hear the man say, "you f*cking stupid b*tch I told you thats MY money for the casino!". The entire time I am pumping their gas he is screaming at her and calling her names. They were in the other day and she is still with him and he is still treating her like crap.

I have been working at this place for 2 years and 4 months almost. Every woman/girl seems to be driving a nice car one day and then you see the boyfriend driving it and when she comes in again its got all kinds of damage done to it. You ask them what happened and they say oh my boyfriend hit such and such.

I dont know about you all but if you hit me, swear at me like that, etc there will be no more relationship. period. If you drive my car and hit something you will NEVER drive my car again and you will pay to get it fixed. I just cant understand these woman/girls... Most of them can have the pick of the man they want yet they stay with these abusive fools.

BTW the guy from the first story, still tries to come in, he gets sent right back out the door. You dont try to break company property or mine. I keep telling him he will be allowed back when either hell freezes, I quit, or I get fired and I dont see any of that happening soon.

[Amethyst Hunter]

If you haven't already, see Jester's "How To Be A "Man"" thread in Off-Topic - it's long, but the explanation of why some women choose to stay with abusive SOs is contained therein. :(

[Enigma]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.

[thehippie777]

Yeah, I have learned the explinations, but I guess I see things a different way. I have an ex I dumped because I believed one day he would hit me & let's just say I would prefer him pissed at me for life then to having in prison for touching me, cuz that is where he would have been if my older brothers hadn't found him first. If he treates you like shit, ladies, then he doesn't love you let alone give a rat's ass about you. He does, however, like hitting you & treating you like crap. So, yes, there is a part of you he loves...the one he hurts. Love yourself & you will find someone who loves you in positive ways.

[draftermatt]

Sadly, I once heard a girl in a abusive relationship say "but he's so good looking" after my wife & I offered her our spare bedroom (he threw her down a set of stairs) and I offered to disembowel him.

She went back to him a few times but thankfully wised up and left him for good and went back to her ex-husband, they had a baby a few months ago too.

[Dilorenzo]

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

[Jester]

If you haven't already, see Jester's "How To Be A "Man"" thread in Off-Topic - it's long, but the explanation of why some women choose to stay with abusive SOs is contained therein. :(

The actual title of it was Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man." (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=20782) I make this correction not to be anal, but simply to make finding it easier.

For the less common reverse version of a girlfriend abusing her boyfriend, see XXDarrienX's A Situation is Brewing (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=26179).

This type of thing is very sad, very tragic, and sadly, very common. Consider yourself fortunate that you are not involved in something like this. Rarely does it end well.

[unclejampuff]

At my old waitress job, I had that happen with a regular and her "man". They'd come in, he'd be a total ass to their server and to her. A few times he'd hit her in the parking lot and she'd come in crying and use our phone to call her mom. Every single time I saw her, she'd be apologizing for his behavior. Wash, rinse, repeat. Being a 17-year victim of physical and severe emotional abuse myself, it was a little upsetting and frustrating to see her not only stick with him, but apologize!! :no: Oh, honey, NO.
So one time I was their server, and at one point he gets up to smoke outside. I come over to clear their table, she starts apologizing. I lose my temper and quietly ask "Why the FUCK are you apologizing for that douche-waffle? He's the abusive one, not you. Stop apologizing and get out of the relationship." She just kinda shrugs and averts her eyes. I show her the scars and list my various injuries suffered at the hands of my stepfather. I say, "He will never change. It will only get worse. Here's the number for the local women's shelter. You deserve better." and leave before I get any more upset.
After they leave, I go back to their table to finish cleaning up. The number is still there. I went back to visit my co-workers a few weeks ago. And there they are; him being a dick, she apologizing for it. God, I hope she'll someday learn before he kills her.

[blas]

I lost my most special favorite cousin in the world because of an abusive boyfriend. I was too young to attend the trial, to this day my parents will not tell me if he abused her BEFORE he killed her or not, but the point is, she's DEAD. He killed her. She isn't coming back.

You did what you could. She's choosing to stay with the guy. Read Jester's thread......you'll understand a bit better why people have such a hard time getting out of abusive relationships. But now that you have done all you can, there is nothing left you can do. Just hope and pray she DOES leave him!

Interestingly enough, most customers in that type of situation when I worked at the gas station were abusive women :shrug:

[LifeCarnie]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.

Like a addict, they don't have a PROBLEM! They can quit any time they want!!

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

Ding, ding, ding......WINNER!

Oh the stories I could tell you about my ex-friend and her off again on again boyfriend. He never hit her, but man was he a financial leech.

He STILL owes her thousands of dollars from the last 3 times that they were together, they are currently living together, and she can't afford her share of the rent, which should be OK since he owes her thousands of dollars that she had loaned him, but he acts like she is endentured to him for allowing her to live rent free.


I was constantly bailing her out, emotionally as well as financially, because she was constantly screwing herself over to please him. Which eventually turned into her screw me over in the course of pleasing him. Despite the fact that her quality of life would be nowhere close to what it is at the moment.

I finally got sick of her, because our relationship was like a bad marriage, it was all of the bad parts and none of the good parts, and we weren't even dating. So the amount of emotional investment I had in this relationship became too much to bear, considering it was a one-sided friendship, NEVER about me in 5% of the time, which was due to the fact that her relationship was never about her. So I bailed. And, of course it's all my fault that I left her to have to deal with her poor choice in men, without someone to use as an emotional crutch.

She and I have fought before, but I know this time it's over, because for one thing, this time I don't miss hanging out with her, and secondly, this is the most relaxed I've been in years, since I no longer am burdened with being expected to rescue her from her poor choices. Ahhh....freedom and spare money in my pocket, I had forgotten what that was like.

***************************************

In other news, you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.



Unless, of course you can get this horse to eat some salty, salty pretzels but that's off the subject.:D

[draftermatt]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.

Like a addict, they don't have a PROBLEM! They can quit any time they want!!

To paraphrase Joe Rogan (which I don't like doing, but it's valid here) "Those women are addicted to assholes, and no matter what you do, they aren't going to leave them"

It's not to say people who get themselves into these situations are dumb, quite the contrary. It started out good, and they either can't see that it's changed or don't want to. It's an addiction, and you can't help those who won't help themselves. There are some people that want help but can't do it, those you can reach. It's the ones who don't see a problem, or worse yet see it but won't do anything about it.

[Posture Moll]

I agree with the 'addiction' theory.

I don't think they necessarily want love out of it - when you come down to it, a large chunk of the human race is inherently masochistic (and/or sadistic, but that's another story). And I don't mean that in a purely sexual sense, either. Humans often find something very cathartic about willingly subjecting themselves to physical or emotional pain, perhaps because they feel less guilty after being 'punished' for their own misdeeds.

[/Dostoevskian analysis]

[Estil]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.

You are absoultely right; I too was the victim of an abusive relationship (my fascist father) and felt so stupid for not leaving earlier (I was way out in the country with no vehicle so until I got lucky and found an apt, I had no way to look for a job in town on my own; I practically was under house arrest). Yes, I too tried to mentally justify it and tried to tell myself (and my mother until then did much the same) that "he was not that bad" or that "it's sometimes my fault for provoking him" or whatever. To this day I will not speak with him and only see him in family functions where I avoid that douche-bag as much as I can (in addition to being abusive he also was a cheater and yes, my mom has after years of trying finally left him once I did). I just wish my grandma (who knows what he was up to) would have the guts to tell him he's no longer welcome at the family functions.

So for those of you who label these victims as "just letting it go on", it's a lot different when you're actually IN an abusive relationship versus just seeing it on the sidelines.

[morgana]

So for those of you who label these victims as "just letting it go on", it's a lot different when you're actually IN an abusive relationship versus just seeing it on the sidelines.

Quoted for truth.

*Anyone* can be brainwashed, kids. *Anyone* can be made to feel like they don't deserve better than what they've got. It all depends on your self esteem going into the relationship, and the skill of the manipulator.

And those of us who finally wised up have to live with unending guilt for not having wised up sooner.

I'ma go away 'n cry for a while now . . .

[Estil]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.


It isn't quite like that. What the victim tends to do (again as did I) is that they believe that since they have no means of escape (and believe me, the abuser does everything they can to convince the victim to keep their beak shut) and thus try to make the best of the situation. The reason you see them so reluctant to try to leave is that they're trying desperately to placate the abuser so that they at least treat them okay sometimes (it's very common for the abuser to be of the Jeckel-Hyde type). And of course, there's the classic fear of relatilation on the abuser's part if the victim does try to leave and no one believes the victim.

I hope you people are seeing that although it may SEEM like they're "defending their abuser", the truth is they're doing it because they feel they must to survive. If you want them to actually leave the relationship, the victim must first be convinced they CAN leave it and not fear retaliation from the abuser.

[unclejampuff]

I definitely agree with the addiction theory. My mother was involved with pretty much nothing but awful men. The ironic part of it was that she works in mental health services, and often counseled battered and abused women. Could it have been staring her in the face any more? Don't get me wrong, I do not blame her at all for any nasty part of my life. I blame the men who made me just as afraid to stand up. Heck, even I put myself into bad relationships, with a lifetime of experience screaming at me. You want them to change, you want to be that amazing person who heals them. I'm sorry, but you can't take home every lost puppy you find. It may be adorable and squeeze your heart, but sometimes stray dogs have rabies.
Maybe battered women/men/children should have sponsors like addicts do. I think people who keep ending up in abusive relationships could maybe stay away from it, if they have someone to help them change their habits.

[AdminAssistant]

There's also the fear of being alone. Like, "I'm so fat/ugly/miserable that no one else will want me."

Like the song - "She lies and says she's in love with him/Can't find a better man."

I spent 18 months with a verbally/emotionally abusive boyfriend. It took my Mom shaking some sense into me to see what he was putting me through (I had starting pulling out my hair from the stress).

[Andara Bledin]

In a lot of cases, the victim of an abusive relationship has been emotionally and/or psychologically crippled. It's not necessarily that they don't want out, but they are often incapable of escape.

^-.-^

[Lace Neil Singer]

In a lot of cases, the victim of an abusive relationship has been emotionally and/or psychologically crippled. It's not necessarily that they don't want out, but they are often incapable of escape.

^-.-^

That's my take. In a lot of these relationships, the victim has been beaten down both physically and mentally so much that he/she has self esteem in minus figures and is so downtrodden they can't escape. Sometimes they are also threatened with things like "If you dare leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you" or "I'll kill the kids if you leave"; or told "You're so ugly/stupid/worthless that no-one else would ever want you." Believe me, if you're told something over and over again like that, you will believe it; I've never been in that kind of relationship, but I have been bullied and was subjected to severe mental abuse.

Eventually, your self esteem is nonexistent and you are too demoralised to seek help. Sadly a lot of victims do end up dying at the hands of their attacker. A song that describes domestic abuse is "Never Again" by Nickelback.

Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell
It starts to sting as it starts to swell
She looks at you, she wants the truth
It's right out there in the waiting room
With those hands
Lookin just as sweet as he can
Never again

A lot of victims will cover up bruises and other injuries with clothing and if asked about visible injuries will lie and say they walked into a door or fell downstairs. Most of the time, they are lying thru their teeth; not to protect their attacker but to protect themselves. Maybe the woman apologising for her boyf is doing so in the hope that he won't decide to beat her when they get home.

[XCashier]

Every time I hear of abusive relationships, I just want to :banghead: Or more likely, grab the abuser by the neck and bang their head against the wall. "Beauty and the Beast" is a fairy tale. It's a LIE. No amount of love will turn a bullying brute into a decent human being, nothing will unless he or she is willing to change themselves and get help in doing so.
And those of us who finally wised up have to live with unending guilt for not having wised up sooner.
:hug: Don't feel guilty. At least you did wise up and ended it before it ended you. You're one of the strong ones who makes it. :salute:

[morgana]

Thanks, XC. I don't feel very strong when this subject comes up. I just feel like a failure. I stayed far too long, and put up with far too much, and lost so much of myself . . .

And Lace, you're absolutely right. That's pretty much exactly how it works. Most of the abuse I suffered was mental and emotional, not physical, but the process is the same. Sounds like you've been there, too. My sympathies.

FYI, anybody who wants a really good look at the thought processes of both the abuser and the abused, read "Rose Madder" by Stephen King. Makes me throw up, but it's dead on.

[zzapp the witch]

I tried to get away from my husband. Oh, I did. I didn't tell my parents though, I knew my dad would kill my husband and I didn't want my dad and brothers to go to jail over a piece of shit like he turned out to be. Cops never did shit to help me, no matter what I asked them (I later found out from my uncle, a retired cop, why). Eventually, no one acted like they believed hubby abused me. He liked to beat me semi conscious and rape me. And keep me pregnant. I learned all about herbal abortions, but as soon as I'd miscarry, he'd have me pregnant again.

Finally, the wife of the sergeant hubby was under where we were stationed flat out asked me if I needed help with anything....in that real quiet voice, you know the one I mean. I started crying and asked her if I could use her phone to call my parents 1500 miles away, since I hadn't talked to them in months....hubby hid the cell phone and the house didn't have one.

I cried on her shoulder for awhile and told her how I tried and tried to get away from him without my dad finding out cause I didn't want him to go to jail. She told her husband and sister. Turned out sister was married to a guy from a town 30 mins away from my hometown, and he knew me!

They set it up secretly, put hubby out on a detail in the middle of the desert so they could load up the truck with all mine and the boys' things. Parents were in a hotel off-post waiting. All us girls hugged and cried and my dad shook hands with the men that helped save his daughter.

Three weeks later hubby was dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound to the chest. I still cried for him, I DID love him, what he was when we first married, but I will admit that it feels good that I don't have to worry about him hurting me anymore.

I have found that the best way for a woman to get away from a man is for her to get FAR away, sometimes having to see your abuser all the time makes it harder to resist the manipulation.

[iradney]

I was briefly involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was young, naive and he was a master con man. He crawled into my mind and fsked it up so much that even tho we were only together 2 months, it took me a year to get myself back together.

And he is one of the ONLY exboyfriends that I would happily knee in the crotch if I ever saw him again. Ever.

[SpyOne]

I dont know about you all but if you hit me, swear at me like that, etc there will be no more relationship. period.

Lots of people say that, but they don't really mean it.
I mean, my brother and I once had an arguement that turned violent, and he hit me in the head. "no more relationship"? Nope, he's still my brother. And my roommate. People get angry, stuff happens, we're all human.
Which is exactly why it is so easy for women trapped in a bad relationship to rationalize staying. Forgiving someone for a one-time mistake is easy, but there's a slippery slope between that one-time mistake and a thursday-night routine.

And if you end all relations with anyone who's ever been mad enough at you to swear, you're either going to be very lonely or you're going to have stress-related helth problems to beat the band, because you're going to have to be perfect to keep all your friends happy.


While the guys in your story sound like they have a problem, not everyone who swears at/hits their friends/companions/spouse/mate has a problem. If anyone should know that, it's we here at Customers Suck, because we all should know that some people deserve to be hit.

[SpyOne]

Had a guy get banned from our store by the manager. He was told in no uncertain terms that if he ever came onto the property we would have him arrested.

What did he do?
Well, he was the significant other of one of our employees. One who had been warned several times that her private life was interfering with her job performance, that she was spending too much time on the phone, that she needed a reliable ride, ect.

Well, she had a car and he didn't, so her "ride" to work was him driving her car. He had shown up to drive her to work, and he had obviously had a fender-bender in her car. They had apparently argued about this during the drive.

She came in to work, and was getting herself a coffee before she clocked in, and he came into the store, they yelled at each other briefly (including swearing, which will get you kicked out of our store) and then he punched her in the face and left.
The two cashiers on duty kept asking her to call the police about that, but she wouldn't.

Manager's take on it: your private life is your private life. As far as we could tell, she usually gave as good as she got, both verbally and physically. That works for her, that's fine. But he behaved in our store in a way that was totally unacceptable, and that part becomes our business. He is no longer welcome, not even in our parking lot, not even for a few minutes.
From then on, when he came to pick her up after work he'd have to park on the street and she'd walk out to the car.



Had a friend in much the same boat: he hooked up with a girl who was into power games and getting him arrested. Any time they'd argue, she'd call the cops and lie, saying he'd hit her. State Police openly admitted that their SOP for Domestic Disturbance is that somebody's getting arrested, and all things being equal it's the male. Then she'd go fill out the forms admitting she'd lied to get him released, because for her it was all about the power: she had the power to get him arrested, she had the power to get him released.

Finally we had to tell him we were cutting him off: he couldn't come over when she kicked him out, and he couldn't talk about her with us. We'd warned him she was crazy before he started seeing her, and now it was a matter of self-protection: we needed to keep her out of our lives. No more being an Enabler in his relationship.
Yet that created a whole lot of sympathy in me, because I could see how if you didn't know both of them really well, if you were for example a cop called to the scene and reviewing the records, it could look exactly like it was the other way around: she keeps getting him arrested, then dropping the charges, and that looks like he hits her but then she forgives him. You'd have to know them to realize that she's the abusive one.

[Dilorenzo]

To those that think they're "weak" for not getting out sooner, for not realizing it sooner, you're not. I got out five times before finally a metal poker (thankfully not out of the fire) was attempted to be inserted into my ear before I got it together enough to get out - and it was like going cold turkey (yes, it really is that much like addiction - I was lucky enough to have two loving parents who fielded my calls and kept her away from the house when she tried to come and see me).

But before that last time, I went back each and every time, convinced that she would change that one last time. I can look at myself in the mirror, say that for two years I had the blinders on, but I know I'm not weak. I did get out, in one piece, and anyone who can manage that - any of you who have gotten out - are some of the strongest people out there.

Plus, it sure as hell gave me some interesting scars to show off at parties. Great conversation starters.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I just want to give a BIG :hug: to each and every person who has been abused. You are brave, wonderful people.

Abusive scum is just one of the reasons I support the death penalty. I LOATHE such bullies with the fire of a million and one suns.

[greensinestro]

Unfortunately, as others have said, it's not up to us to "fix" an abusive relationship like this. Some women are actually afraid to break free, or have this spell over them from the abusive boyfriend (and sometimes girlfriend). Now, if I were to see this with a father physically abusing his little boy or girl, you'd better believe I would get involved. I have kids of my own and not once have marked up their faces or other parts of their bodies.

[SongsOfDragons]

:cry:

I worried now.

I haven't had luck with boyfriends at all (i.e. none).

[karma_gypsy]

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

Agreed. A friend of mine was stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy. The fact was, was that he wasn't even good looking - but he did have money. Treated her to a whole new wardrobe - basically whatever she things wanted. But she was headstrong and their relationship was a constant struggle for power. My husband and I often sat on the sidelines and watch their relationship deteriorate to a breakup, then they would be back together again a week later.

She just recently got out of that relationship and is with a new man and is much MUCH happier. She says that now when she looks back on the bad relationship, that her ex really did treat her horribly. It's like she never even noticed he was treating her so badly (it was more verbal abuse than physical - I don't think he ever hit her).

[zzapp the witch]

Songs: You might be kind of like me: My picker's broken. On the other hand, I toss em as soon as they start crap. So now I'm trying to figure out WHY my picker is broken, and how to fix it.

[allniter]

I just got done reading a book called "Deer Hunting with Jesus." It's an embedded retelling of a former Virginia who escapes his trailer park life to go to college, gets his degree of higher education and returns to his roots to write about all the wrongs he finds with his former culture.
This story just reminds me of some of the things in the book. Trailer trash without a lick of sense. It's a good thing you just stuck to yourself. You don't really know her and can't do much to help her sadly.

btw it's a good read if you want to check it out.
http://www.amazon.com/Deer-Hunting-Jesus-Dispatches-Americas/dp/030733936X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207414902&sr=8-1

[Megg]

I have found that the best way for a woman to get away from a man is for her to get FAR away, sometimes having to see your abuser all the time makes it harder to resist the manipulation.

So true. I was living in Florida with this person (he was not a man), and after 4 years of verbal, emotional, and mild physical abuse, it went over the line. He broke my nose and cracked 4 of my ribs. I still stayed with him. Strangely enough, it wasn't the abuse that finally woke me up, but when I left him, I stayed in town with a friend of mine, trying to finish school. He was always there. He missed me, he loved me, he was sorry, things would change, it would be better ... if only I would come back to him.

I had met some wonderful people online playing EQ who lived in California. I went there, got as far as humanly possible from him, and never looked back. I wonder sometimes if he ever got his act together, but not that much. Had I not left the state, he would have pulled me back in. He needed me, after all. :rolleyes:

To all who have gotten out - congratulations, it is so hard. To those who have not yet gotten away from their abusers (and despite what we may think, I am sure there is at least one person here that applies to) - GET OUT! Trust me, it is the smartest and best thing to do. You will love yourself for it.

[zzapp the witch]

Holy shit that's cool! It was people on EQ that helped me through the crap with my husband also. One of my guildies helped me build up the balls to finally let myself talk to someone about it! /hugs!

[Estil]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

[Dilorenzo]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

Here, Here, Estil. Happens as most men that are victims are just as - or in some cases more - ashamed and emarresed by what goes on in an abusive relationship as a female victim. Not many of us that will actually get up and flat out say we were, and even though I do, it stings my acursed male pride a bit.

[twocents]

Me and my (now ex) husband used to own/manage a trailer park. Full of drunks and/or section 8.
Had one girl, 3 kids, one of which had c/f. Of course, knowing she has the gene for cystic fibrosis, she proceeds to have more (preggers w/# 4 when she left.) Stupid bimbo.
Anyway, she had jackass boyfriend-duh who was stupid mean when he got drunk. She came up to our trailer (we lived there as well) and wanted us to 'ask him to leave'.
I told her point blank we/I did not get involved with stupid little girl and boy games. (I was more poplite) If, however, I did follow through and get rid of him, he was NOT allowed back in the court. Of course bimbo didn't want to do that.
@ 1 AM at night, we hear a noise. I went out into the living room as noises in the trailer park were hard to differentiate from noise from a campground accross the river. Damn, it's us. I look out window to see the Dad of said bimbo with stupid boyfriend-duh in a half nelson. I called the cops while yelling to my hubby 'it's us'.
Long and the short of it, he made a stupid ass out of imself, the cops tossed him to the ground and arrested him. It was a holiday weekend, so he spent an extra day in jail. We told bimbo he was not allowed back at park at all. He was allowed back to pick up his belongings. When he's sober, he is more or less ok.
Bimbo moves out a few months later. Guess she needed her mayun/welfare tick stud.

[twocents]

With all this hand-wringing on both sides and the whining... Yeah, they can continue their sado-masochistic performances. However, these assholes usually drag children into it.
My observation over the years: the more dysfunctional, the more kids and if a relationship is dysfunctional there is usually a kid.
These sad jack asses can destroy themselves, but I draw the line when it comes to kids (although I don't like them that much but fair is fair). Destroy each other but how dare you drag a child into it... .. but what the hey, misery loves company.
Listen to Dr Phil,Dr Laura, the advice columns; how many times you listen to the guests/callers and when they talk about the problem with the fiance/shackup/mate what they describe is like the gorilla in the room but they choose to be oblivious.
I think a good 60% of problems out there would be avoided if both men and women were more circumspect about relationships... and with whom they breed. Too many produce kiddiess and then realize they picked a piece of garbage as the sperm/egg-donor. Like it or not, they now may have no power or choice when the egg or sperm-donor has visitation.
But then, my theory is that men and women, especially women don't give a damn what they inflict on children.. but that is another post.

[PuckishOne]

Please do NOT continue down this current path. Keep this to the issue in the OP, and keep it civil, or this thread will be closed.

[IHateStupidCustomers]

*redneck accent* "But I looooove him!"

Wait till she shows up with a baby in her arms.

Can we say....Maury Povich?

[Andara Bledin]

I used to have a friend that was dating a guy that the group didn't much care for.

He wasn't very smart and tended to do stupid stuff that was stupider than the usual, and not nearly as funny as the sort of crap the rest of us would pull.

Well, we all knew that he was verbally abusive, but she could give as good as she got, so they were pretty even there.

Then, one day, he hit her. She was out of the apartment that night.

After a month of him begging her to give him another chance and promising he'd never do it again, she decided to let him try to live up to his promises.

Turns out, he really meant it. They got married a couple years later, and as far as I know, are still together.

^-.-^

[Lace Neil Singer]

Just as a reminder for those who are generically refering to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she"; it doesn't always work that way. Men can be the victims (just like I was) and the women can sometimes be the abusers as well. Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with maybe more male victims (and more victims in general) will come forward and put an end to domestic abuse of all kinds.

Exactly why I didn't use he and she terms. Plus, there's domestic abuse among homosexual couples too; sadly, it happens to all unions.

[friendofjimmyk]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.



Yeah, that's right. The cases are usually just the right mixture of love and affection/abuse to perpetuate the situation. If you have a person with low self-esteem and someone comes along and builds them up - they start to feel good - almost like a natural high. Then abuse starts, its easy to forgive your drug of choice - if you know what I mean. If someone relies on someone else to build their self-esteem whether the relationship becomes abusive or not - its a bad situation.

[Jester]

Yet that created a whole lot of sympathy in me, because I could see how if you didn't know both of them really well, if you were for example a cop called to the scene and reviewing the records, it could look exactly like it was the other way around: she keeps getting him arrested, then dropping the charges, and that looks like he hits her but then she forgives him. You'd have to know them to realize that she's the abusive one.

Sadly, that charge was labeled against my friend TD. And not just in life, but afterwards in death as well. While there was some truth to it, to her claiming this boyfriend or that boyfriend did something they may not have done, or her exaggerating things (I said in that thread that she definitely had her problems, after all), when her abusers' friends claimed after she had died that her earlier charge of battery against him was another bogus charge, it was just too much. After all, it is one thing to exaggerate. It is quite another to fake injuries and bruises.

NO ONE who saw TD after that December beating believed for one moment she was making anything up, or that her boyfriend had not beaten her. The only people spouting these charges were people who (A) had been thoroughly snowed by TD's abuser, and (B) had not seen his "handiwork."

The thing is, there are women who ARE abused who DO sometimes make false charges. As has been said, it can be a bit of a power struggle. Just another thing that makes the whole situation that much murkier.

*Anyone* can be brainwashed, kids. *Anyone* can be made to feel like they don't deserve better than what they've got. It all depends on your self esteem going into the relationship, and the skill of the manipulator.

While I have never been an abusive relationship, I HAVE been in a manipulative one. During it, I wondered what I was doing wrong, how had I caused this or that, what was the problem with ME? The fact is, I hadn't done anything wrong, and the problem wasn't with me, but with HER. But she snowed me so well that I couldn't see it, and my self-esteem suffered greatly for a while, until my eyes were finally opened to the truth about her. I'd like to say that that will never happen to me again. I'd even like to believe that. But when you are, as I am, a self-professed romantic, and are looking for that special someone, it is not that hard to picture getting snowed again by another manipulator. While I would hope I would be more vigilant next time against such shenanigans, you never know....especially when the person in question IS such a skilled manipulator, liar, and con artist.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Estil
Now if only that old "the abuser is usually a male and the victim is usually a female" stereotype can be done away with


It's a stereotype for a reason - the fact is (and Jester himself pointed this out once) that the *majority* of abuse cases involve males as the aggressor.

[zzapp the witch]

I just got an earful from my little brother about how I made up all the abuse that was done to me during my marriage, and after when I was dating a new man (and obviously not right in my head, as he had me in the same position as my hubby did). Talk about ouch.

I'm guessing its because I didn't give him money, again. I'm starting to think I shoulda added him to my list of sucky relatives.....

[Rapscallion]

:cry:

I worried now.

I haven't had luck with boyfriends at all (i.e. none).

Which ones do you pick? The ones you want or the ones you need?

This isn't just aimed at you, but at everyone seeking romance. Your glands may put a tingle in your gut when you see the dangerous, edgy guy, but there's a reason he's dangerous. It's called 'danger'.

What do you want? Danger? Thrills? Someone dependable yet somewhat more boring?

Again, this is not aimed at you specifically, since I have no idea what sort of blokes you prefer. I've just seen and read about situations of exactly the sort in this thread too many times to keep quiet.

My glands decided that Crushgirl (a femal colleague) was right for me. The whole nine-yards went on - feelings of protectiveness (which made me feel like a stalker), wanting to be the white knight on a charger etc. I was able to separate out fact from fiction, though - ex-butcher and dedicated omnivore partnered with a vegetarian/near vegan? Someone who generally has quiet nights in and fun on computers partnered with someone who likes nightclubs, punk music, and has no apparent reservations about drunken one-night-stands?

Took me nine months to get her out of my system, but I knew it was a bad match from the off. I still get the odd tingle in the gut from time to time, though nothing I can't ignore. I can also talk to her now without falling over my tongue :p However, it's something you can do. Just ask yourself if that person is really right for you. Why are you attracted to them?

It's too much of a generalisation to say that the guys who give danger thrills are going to be arseholes, but the likelihood is greater.

Rapscallion

[Estil]

It's a stereotype for a reason - the fact is (and Jester himself pointed this out once) that the *majority* of abuse cases involve males as the aggressor.

But remember, that's not counting the ones (like mine) that go unreported, and when the victim is male, they're far less likely to report it because of said stereotype.

[crazylegs]

It's too much of a generalisation to say that the guys who give danger thrills are going to be arseholes, but the likelihood is greater.

Unfortunately the very same hormone that gives the rugged good looks, the chisled jaw line and the incredible cheek bones is also the same hormone that increases anger/agression.

Testosterone

Ain't life a bitch.

[Estil]

Every time I hear of abusive relationships, I just want to :banghead: Or more likely, grab the abuser by the neck and bang their head against the wall. "Beauty and the Beast" is a fairy tale. It's a LIE. No amount of love will turn a bullying brute into a decent human being, nothing will unless he or she is willing to change themselves and get help in doing so.

:hug: Don't feel guilty. At least you did wise up and ended it before it ended you. You're one of the strong ones who makes it. :salute:

Don't you have that fairy tale wrong? I thought the Beast was only a "Beast" in terms of outward appearance. I haven't seen the entire movie but I do know the true antagonist tried to frame the Beast for something and the whole town was ready to kill him (classic storming the castle with flaming torches kind of deal).

[Gurndigarn]

Don't you have that fairy tale wrong? I thought the Beast was only a "Beast" in terms of outward appearance. I haven't seen the entire movie but I do know the true antagonist tried to frame the Beast for something and the whole town was ready to kill him (classic storming the castle with flaming torches kind of deal).

Depends on which version of the story you read/watch.

(FWIW, my favorite is the Robin McKinley version.)

[Andara Bledin]

Don't you have that fairy tale wrong? I thought the Beast was only a "Beast" in terms of outward appearance. I haven't seen the entire movie but I do know the true antagonist tried to frame the Beast for something and the whole town was ready to kill him (classic storming the castle with flaming torches kind of deal).

OT:
Here's a link to the story, as written by Jeanne-Marie LePrince de Beaumont (http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/beauty.html).

It was basically a tale that one should not judge a book by it's cover, and that virtue for it's own sake will be rewarded. de Beaumont doesn't go into why the Beast was changed into a beast, but I think I recall that it was over his own vanity.

Anything beyond the Beast, Beauty, and her father, the merchant, are extraneous additions created to make a more robust tale.

^-.-^

[PhotoChick]

my favorite is the Robin McKinley version

I absolutely love that version. *Confession* I still own that book and read it even though I'm way past the age range its geared towards.

[Gurndigarn]

*Confession* I still own that book and read it even though I'm way past the age range its geared towards.

I don't think that one really has an age it's geared towards. The publisher may have slapped one on it because publishers like to think in nice, tidy genres and age categories, but many books don't pidgeonhole all that well.