I think I need help

[CaroPhoenix]

Here's the deal:

I've been worn down by my mother's holier-than-thou attitude when it comes to my daughter. I can do nothing right when it comes to her. I feed her junk food, I dress her like a pauper (okay, I have no fashion sense - I wear whatever is clean & comfortable, the same goes for what I dress her in too - I never said I was fashion plate). I give in to her too easily and readily. I shouldn't yell when she yells at me. I have to have my house spotless at all times. (Right now, half my dining room table isn't visible with all the mail/newspapers/papers on it, I have a pile of 5 different pairs of shoes in the middle of my living room, not to mention there are 2 coats thrown on the floor and that's for starters).

My husband is obsessed with an awards luncheon that is on April 10. He may or may not be getting an award. Our daughter's eye doctor appointment is the same day at 3:15. For those who don't know, she has a cataract in her right eye. The doctor isn't sure, but she either had the cataract right when she was born, or it started to form shortly after. Her left eye is over compensating for her useless right eye so the sight in that eye is getting worse by the day. She's supposed to wear a patch on her left eye to strengthen the right eye (how that will help, I have no clue), but for the past couple of days, she hasn't worn the patch because she takes it off as soon as I put it on her. No amount of explaining will help (that's another gripe of my mother's). I want my husband to be with me for the upcoming appointment. I get too nervous and I want to throw up. He is looking into changing the appointment just so he can go to a stupid awards luncheon (and it's not like, if he won the award and he wasn't there, they'd give it to the next person who was supposed to get the award).

Then there is my daughter. She is 4-years-old. She can be obsessive about certain things. For the past 3 weeks, it's been with her Curious Buddies DVDs. She wants to watch them and only them. Or she wants to walk around the house with the DVD clutched either in her hand or when she climbs, clutched between her teeth. When I don't let her watch her DVDs and "make" her either play with her other toys, do a puzzle or the horrors(!) I have her watch TV, she cries. She pitches a fit. She hits me. She says 'Curious buddies dvd mommy. Please.' Over and over and over again.

Then it hit me today. I simply don't care enough to be here. I don't care anymore that my house is a mess. I don't care that my daughter is throwing fits, throwing the cushions off my couch, screaming herself hoarse because I'm mean and won't let her watch her DVDs. I don't care that my mom thinks I'm a terrible mom. I don't care if she believes me or not when I say I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I don't care if she believes me or not when I say I felt left out of the family while growing up.

And then I stop and start to cry. I want to leave either by packing my stuff and moving on or by other means.

I would like to know what the symptoms of a nervous breakdown are. Not sure if I'm experiencing one. I'm on Lexapro, I take it every night, but I think its usefulness is no longer.

[Saydrah]

I'm not a psychiatrist. I don't know if you're having a nervous breakdown or not. I KNOW you need help. Call a crisis hotline right now, and explain that while you are not suicidal, you are tempted to leave your family even though you know your daughter needs you. You need immediate psychiatric care to get you through this crisis, and you need ongoing psychiatric care to keep you able to cope with life, as long as you need it. Meds help, but meds alone don't teach you the coping mechanisms you missed out on learning because of the way you were raised.

Get thee to a telephone, call thee the local crisis hotline.

[crazylegs]

Idrinkarum, please, speak to your husband, your Dr, you mental health is suffering as you're under a huge amount of stress, you've mentioned befor that your daughter had an SPLD (SPecific Learning Disorder) that accounts for her obbsessive behaviour, does your mother know about the condition?

Maybe she needs educating as to what it all entails, well as much as possible, I have still yet to figure out all of what my SPLD is, and how it makes me act (I was however only diagnosed when I was 16/17). Your mother should be Helping not just criticising, please, talk to her, tell her how much strain she is putting you under, if she won't listen maybe you need to cut down contact. I know thats a lot easier for me to say than you to do but its your health we're talking about not hers.

Your husband needs a kick up the arse, he NEEDS to be at your daughters appointment yet only wants to go the awards ceremony. He needs to get his priority straight here. Sight is VITAL awards are merely nice.

You say 'other means' is there a telephone number for the samaritans, (a low call telephone listening service in the UK, not sure if there is a US equiv) that you can ring, even if you can't talk they will still listen.

Please, talk.

[blas]

And please remember that your mother cannot rule your life. You are a grown woman with your own child and your own family, and above all, your own life.

When the time is right and you feel more like your normal self, you need to let your mother know that if you need her help, you will go righ to her, but for now, she needs to settle down and let you raise your child and keep your home how YOU see fit.

[marty]

I agree that you need to seek help. I had a nervous breakdown about three years ago, I didn't seek help when I should have and it nearly killed me (I have a friend of mine to thank for saving my life). You realize that you're having problems now and that's a good thing.

Hang in there. It will get better. There is an end to it. But finding someone who knows what you're feeling and can help you through it is absolutely imperative. You can make it through this, but you don't have to do it alone.

[Rubyred]

I'm not a psychiatrist but it doesn't sound like you're having a full on nervous breakdown. I think it sounds like you've just had enough of everyones crap and really need a break. Would it be possible to arrange for you to get away for a few days by yourself to see if it would help?

I do agree that you should consult a professional though. It could be something more serious.

[digilight]

Ok first things first, Talk to your Doc and explain to him exactly how you are feeling, the inability to cope, and everything. Also talk to your husband and tell him the same thing.

Now on to your mom. SHE IS JUST THE GRANDMOTHER, NOT THE MOTHER. Remember, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they usually stink. You have to get to the point to where you can tune out the crap that everyone trys to tell you to do. I personally am of the mindset of "fuck off" when people try and tell me what to do with, or how to raise my kids. They are my kids, and goddamnit I will do it myself, I don't need people butting in and trying to interupt my kids while I am talking to them or trying to deal with a melt down.

Now on to your daughter, The tantrums and crap like that are fairly normal stuff for kids. Yeah it makes you feel like shit and makes you want to head for the hills at times. Believe me, i've had the same thoughts at times. But it does get better. There are tricks in dealing with the tantrums, and the fussing. You can't give in (Usually) you have to stand your ground. Yeah its hard, but it gets easier real quick. When you give in during a tantrum, you are just reinforcing the negative behavior.

Now this only works with both of you on board (you and husband). You guys have to be a team and not counteract each other.

I've found that shows like supernanny and John and Kate Plus 8 (on TLC) actually have some good ideas. And make me feel better about how my own kids acted that day.

And yeah, I've been there. My son has ADHD, he's medicated for it now, but when the drugs wear off it can be bad if we aren't careful on how to handle it. He also understands and trys to work on it as well (he's 6 now and been on the meds for a little over 18 months now). He could tell a difference very quickly into it and liked the difference.

My problem is I believe I am also ADHD with a bit of Anger Management and depression and well I would be fun game of guess how fucked up he is out the DSM IV. But my wife understands and we work together to difuse situations. If she can see that I'm about to burst then she steps in and I let her. She knows to basically push me out of the way and run the show when needed. And the samething if she is close to losing it then I take over.

You have to stay calm to run the show. You lose control and you've lost the situation.

But its your show, you need to enforce that fact with everything, your mom, your husband, and your daughter. Remember with your kids, your/husbands joint word is law. Whatever anyone else says is just words that dont mean diddly...


ps. I've never been physical, laid a hand on my kids/wife, or been verbally abuseful. I understand my limitations and know how to stay within them. Sometimes I can be a dick, but my wife will call me out on it and I know not to question her, and change the behavior. With the ADHD you can't tell when you are on the middle of rage so to speak.

[CaroPhoenix]

I called my husband and asked him to come home. I need to talk to him. I have an appointment next Friday with my therapist. He does have an emergency beeper that I could try beeping later if things get even worse.

My mother hasn't called since this morning. She & my dad must be doing something. I know I have to set boundaries with her, it's just hard. Growing up, it was my sister she favored and now because I have the first born grandchild, my mom actually gives a $hit about me. (This is the woman who told me she didn't know how she gave birth to a person like me 'cos I like to read and she doesn't. :rolleyes: ).

I hate crying. Y'all know that? It gives me a terrific headache. I think I'll stop, if I can.

Don't worry. I won't do anything drastic (either by killing myself or just up and leaving).

For the record, my daughter is at the low-end of the Autism spectrum and she's highly intelligent. It's a combination that keeps me & hubby on our toes a lot.

[crazylegs]

He does have an emergency beeper that I could try beeping later if things get even worse..

Please, contact him, you don't want this to become worse.

[Emrld]

Get your husband on board.
Get your Doctor on board.

Inform your Mother if she is not part of the solution she is part of the problem. Of course from another statement you made it sounds like you have some issues from the past that you need to addres before you take her on.

As for the house are you familiar with Flylady? I go through bouts where I just don't want to deal . . .having her e-mails of encouragment and seeing what others have done can be all I need to get back on track. Just doing one thing (like emptying the dishwasher) can show your family you care.

Let us know what will most come across as showing support. I know that several of us would be more than happy to be a cheerleader for you if you would like.

If you need some US mailed notes just to arrive out of the blue saying your doing great, someone is thinking of you, hang in there etc. PM a few of us you trust you mailing address and consider it done.

We may all like to gripe about customers . . .but we will also rally behind one another in a time of need like this.

Lots of hugs of warmth and care headed your way.

[crazylegs]

If you need some US mailed notes just to arrive out of the blue saying your doing great, someone is thinking of you, hang in there etc. PM a few of us you trust you mailing address and consider it done.

There is a fantastic idea, if you want a UK postmarked one too, give me a shout.

[Aethian]

Same here I love to send out letters.

As for everything else going on in your life, yes it sounds like you need a break. It also sounds like Hubby needs to step up a bit more. I have a feeling he doesn't know how stressed your getting right now.

As for you daughter have you thought of making deals with her? She can watch the dvd if she does this puzzle first. Or maybe help you was dishes and then you can both watch the dvd together. I know that may sound like your bending to the point where she is winning but in fact you both win a bit. She gets to spend time with you doing big girl things and you get to spend time with her as she watches the dvd. Take that moment to just breath and enjoy the fact that you have a very intellegent little girl who loves her Mommy.

[Emrld]

Oh honey, (sorry I am from the south no offense intended) I wish I could just wrap you up in a great big hug.

From your post I wasn't worried about anyone's abitlity to breathe/ brain function/ heat beat stop.
Life alterting changes taking place - possible.

Go ahead and page your therapist. This is one of those times that having one comes in handy. They may just speak to you over the phone . . .or they may have a suggestion for what to do right now.
I cannot think of a good reason to wait until Friday with what you are feeling. You don't deserve to lose 7 days just because you don't want to bother the therapist.

[CaroPhoenix]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. (I'm from the south too Emrld - if you count Virginia as a southern state - some in the northern part don't).

First I need to talk to my husband (he's on his way home - traffic in the DC/NoVA area is horrendous this time of day).

It's unusual for me to reach out for help. I'm the one everyone else runs to because I'm the one with all the answers. I'm the one that has boxes of tissues where my shoulders are.

Kelly (my daughter) is doing okay right now. She's watching Noggin & watching movies on her Gameboy. I'm cleaning out my stand alone pantry (We've had it for 5 years and it's falling apart). Now I just have to figure out which appliances are staying in the kitchen and which are being banished to the basement. It's fun - NOT. But it's keeping me busy. I need to stay busy.

I think I'm going to cry again. Darn it.

[Alfie]

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time, and I agree that it sounds like you should reach out and get help. It's good to know that you will do that.

I was thinking with your daughter's eye patch, maybe you could buy her a cheap pirate's eye patch and put the cotton one under that (I'm assuming that it's just a cotton pad she has over her eye) and convince her that it's cool to look like a pirate. I know it sounds bizarre, but I think at that age you can't really convince kids with logic, you have to convince them with novelty. I can understand why she would hate wearing it, but it does help make her "bad" eye work harder.

I hope everything gets better for you.

[CaroPhoenix]

Husband came home early. I shouldn't have bothered with him. The first words out of his mouth (after I tearfully greeted him) were: "Are you on your period?" :mad: I wanted to throw him out of the house physically, but I couldn't (he's taller and about 200 pounds heavier than me).

He needs to get his head out of his a$$. It's either that, or he needs to go. I'm beginning to hate him.

[Evil Queen]

Your husband is acting like a douche. You need comfort and you need to tell him that.

[CaroPhoenix]

I told him. What I need to do is go to sleep right now. I'm working tomorrow. I like where I'm working and I like whom I'm working with in the morning. (At 1 PM, it's another story).

I feel better now that I've changed pantries. I'm going to be keeping a database of what's in the new pantry (it's actually a deep cavernous type of old-fashioned pantry, with deep shelves. It'd be easier that way).

I will have a reprieve this weekend from my mom. She doesn't like to talk to my husband on the phone on the weekends, so I won't be bothered by her until Monday.

This weekend, I hope it'll be relaxing. I'm going to be going through old clothing and seeing what my sister wants for her own daughter, what I want to keep/discard, and my husband and I will continue to discuss our issues.


P. S. The reason hubs wants to go to the awards ceremony is because it's only once a year.

[CaroPhoenix]

I have found out the award he's been nominated for: Customer Service Representative.

Yeah, I know. :lol: I laughed myself silly when I hear that one too.

[JuniorMintz]

Dude- I think I've insinuated this before, and I don't mean to make a bad situation worse, but your husband is an *ass*!!

I've been reading your posts for a long time, and I'm not saying this based on this story only. He is clueless, self absorbed boob! :rolleyes:

(Sorry, I'm better at name calling than giving helpful advice. :lol: )

As far as Kelly's eye appointment goes, I hope everything goes well. Alfie's pirate idea is actually one of my favorite tricks with my Cabbage Patch patients. Most of them only need to wear the patch part time, so I give patches to the patient, their siblings, and/or a couple of their friends and tell them that such and such time of day is "Pirate Hour". I even give them pirate names on their way out the door... Long John Lola is one of my favorite kids. :D

The reason she needs to wear the patch in the first place is because by covering her good eye up, her bad one is forced to do all the work. This strengthens the muscles that are causing trouble (which is usually lazy eye). In most cases, the patient is given a patch *and* glasses, but since Kelly is being evaluated for cataracts, I'm guessing she doesn't have them yet. Most of the time, when a patient is going to have cataracts removed, they wait until after the surgery to have glasses made.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to help you.

As for everything else... man, I wish I could just give you a hug through the monitor!

Love,

JAM (the proud auntie of *two* little boys who were born with similar eye problems... the little one even wears bifocals!)

[Peppergirl]

Just chiming in to say GOOD LUCK on her appointment! :)

[BlaqueKatt]

I know I have to set boundaries with her, it's just hard. Growing up, it was my sister she favored and now because I have the first born grandchild, my mom actually gives a $hit about me.


Well if you wish to be more diplomatic about setting boundaries, something to the effect of "Mom, you did a wonderful job raising me, and I respect that and thank you for giving me the skill I need to raise my own daughter"

usually works

[CaroPhoenix]

Husband has taken the day off to be at the appointment with me. He even sent me copies of the sick leave requests he sent to his boss.

My dad was willing to come with me, but he's not Kelly's dad, Byron is. At least this is one last thing I have to worry about.