why am I such a pariah?<whiny/ranty-no need to read>

[BlaqueKatt]

ok I've heard the old "to have a friend, be a friend" so many times it makes me sick.

I help my co-workers with their backlog of work(from goofing off), then they get mad because I make quota and they don't. I loan them gas money, food money, and lately they've been asking to borrow "party money". I've never been invited anywhere by anyone, even when "everyone's invited" I never find out until after whatever event. I'm used as a "go between" to alert others of changes in plan for things I'm not invited to. And frankly I'm getting extremely depressed. I texted two "friends" recently and got the response "who is this/do I know you?" And anytime I invite anyone out to do something fun, I always get "stood up" with the excuse of "I didn't feel like going out"-only to discover later when I overhear someone talking about "hey wasn't that last-minute thing I called about great?"-that they went out after I called to see if they were coming. I've had nobody at my last 4 birthday parties-just me and my husband(at least 20 people invited to each one-no one showed or called-but they all said they'd be there). I've even offered to cover people when they say they can't afford it. If you don't want to go just freakin' tell me-it'll hurt alot less in the long run. I even tried to get a D&D group going, but everyone either plays WoW, or would rather make a 90 mile round trip to go to coworker X's house because they have a 47 inch Plasma TV, and he's such a great GM(he gets all "his" campaigns off the internet-steals them from other GMs and actually uses campaigns straight out of the "knights of the dinner table" comic book.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm 32 and have absolutely no friends. right now the depression from this is bad enough that I've cried myself to sleep for the last three days-and I'm crying now as I write. My husband has great co-workers, classmates from school, and friends from his former boy scout troop-I have no one. I've never really had any friends but it's just starting to get to me again, when I get to hear everyone else's plans and how great their weekend was-it really hurts. what hurts even more is watching everyone on break chatting happily and whenever I even take a step toward any group of people they either "close ranks" or decide it's time to go in. In the last 3 weeks at work during a 40 hour week, I've spoken 3 whole sentences-I'm tired of being hurt and rejected, while someone that openly admits to everyone that he uses people for whatever they have that he wants/needs then casts them aside once he gets it, goes out with a large group of friends 3-4 times a week, and actually turs down people several times a week because he has so many invites to stuff(um hello he admitted to your face he was only hanging out with you because you drive him everywhere and buy him stuff). The only person that's called me in the last 6 months is my mother-she calls three times a day-it's annoying, but it's the only contact I have with anyone anymore-everyone else has shut me out for some reason that I don't know or understand. I've directly asked and told I'm imagining it. Well gee so I'm imagining your little group get-togethers every weekend that I'm never invited to, and imagining when I ask if anything's going on and the answer is no-then on monday you're all taking about what a great time you all had together.

I'll get over it I suppose-I always do-but I just had to get this out, I tried talking to my husband, and he got upset because "saying you have no friends is insulting to me-I'm your friend"-sorry I need more than one.

If anyone does read this for the love of all that is holy do not suggest counciling-if 14 years of it didn't help-it won't help period.

[Evil Queen]

I agree; counciling won't help. But that's just because you don't need help. You need a friend that's new and improved and has different stories to tell them your co-workers and dear hubby can provide.

What you ultimately need is a friend that will respect you and not ignore you like your fellow wo-irkers. You're stuck in a rut and you need to go out and have fun and maybe find a friend? I know if I was living near you I wouldn't mind a meet up at a coffee shop every now and again for tea and cake. (I'm currently boycotting coffee... don't ask) I currently have few friends myself as they are all in other states.

But the internet is your friend, my dear, and our fellow CSers -- I'm sure -- would like to think that you're their friend too.

Hey, I like you.

[Becks]

Blaque, *hugs*.

I like you.

If I were in WI, I'd hang out with you.

[Bella_Vixen]

Blaque, I feel your pain.

I go to work. I come home. That's it.

I really do have friends, but we never hang out. K just wants me to babysit, R just wants to sleep with me, and J works 1st shift, while I work 2nd, so it's tough to find a day that's good for the both of us to hang out. L has a husband that she doesn't get to see much of, what with his job and her two, so it's understandable that she'd want to spend time with him.

Every time I make plans with people, whether it be my birthday, or a Toys show, I give everyone major advanced warning, offer to pay, etc. They all say they'll be there...and no one shows up, or even calls.



And for what it's worth, I agree with EQ and consider everyone here my friend. :wave:



::hugs::

[RayvenQ]

I agree; counciling won't help. But that's just because you don't need help. You need a friend that's new and improved and has different stories to tell them your co-workers and dear hubby can provide.

What you ultimately need is a friend that will respect you and not ignore you like your fellow wo-irkers. You're stuck in a rut and you need to go out and have fun and maybe find a friend? I know if I was living near you I wouldn't mind a meet up at a coffee shop every now and again for tea and cake. (I'm currently boycotting coffee... don't ask) I currently have few friends myself as they are all in other states.

But the internet is your friend, my dear, and our fellow CSers -- I'm sure -- would like to think that you're their friend too.

Hey, I like you.

Well, by the sounds of it, she needs a friend who is...well...what I'd call a proper friend, you know, like one who acts like a friend.

[Evil Queen]

Well, by the sounds of it, she needs a friend who is...well...what I'd call a proper friend, you know, like one who acts like a friend.
Not a "Fair Weather" friend, right.

[RayvenQ]

Not a "Fair Weather" friend, right.

I mean someone who won't betray or lie to you, will meet you on time and generally fun people to be with.

Pity I don't have any friends but I'm not really a people person (groups bigger than 3 make me a bit edgy)

[RetailWorkhorse]

(I'm currently boycotting coffee... don't ask)

I'M ASKING I'M ASKING!

*Hugs to Blaque*

Horsie like kitty! :D

[blas]

BlaqueKatt, you have a spare room you said? I do too......if you don't mind a more rural, smaller area of WI, I say come on over. You would never have to buy me anything or loan me any money.

[Evil Queen]

I mean someone who won't betray or lie to you, will meet you on time and generally fun people to be with.

Pity I don't have any friends but I'm not really a people person (groups bigger than 3 make me a bit edgy)
That's kinda what a Fair Weather friend is.

[monolayth]

You could always move to Omaha, the people here are great lol.

[CaroPhoenix]

Blaque - I have that problem too. My bestest friend from high school and whom I've known for AGES (she even attended my wedding, sent me flowers when I had my daughter & even cheered me up when my daughter was in the hospital at 6 months of age), has dropped me like a hot potato when I needed her the most (post partum, etc.).

You could always move to Northern Virginia. :) We could be fiends and everything! And we have an awesome gaming store so you'd be able to find gamers.

Plus, you can always PM me. :)

[Pedersen]

ok I've heard the old "to have a friend, be a friend" so many times it makes me sick.

I wish I had an answer for you, BK. My wife is going through the same thing. And I don't know how to help her through it. I've been through it myself, and I do understand the frustration you're feeling.

There's not much point to this reply, I suppose. Just to let you know you're not alone. It's happened to others.

I can only offer a sympathetic ear, and hopes that things get to a decent level sometime soon for you.

[Aethian]

I like you!

Let me know and I can drop little notes in the mail. :)

[Amethyst Hunter]

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm 32 and have absolutely no friends.

Nothing's wrong with you. Seriously. For whatever twist of fate, this is the situation you've wound up stuck in, and I doubt it's anything on your part.

Trust me, you're not alone. I'm 31 and there is only *one* friend I can actually hang around with - all my other friends live several states or even several countries away. I've never been a social butterfly type; as a teenager it used to worry my mother to the point where she once attempted to bribe me with a hundred bucks just so I'd get people to be more interested in me and hang out with me on a regular basis. (The bribe failed, mainly because I forgot about it shortly after it was issued. Oh well. *shrug*)

As to the people you know, stop giving them free handouts. Seriously. They're just using you because they obviously think of you as a pushover doormat type that's expendable (like you mentioned, them using you as a go-between but then totally ignoring you whenever social opportunities roll around). They'll probably bitch and moan after you cut off the purse strings, but you'll feel better about it (and you'll save more of your money too, money that you can spend on YOU! :D ), and maybe they might learn to respect you a little more.

*offers a :hug: *

[ArenaBoy]

Feel free to reach me through AIM or PM. I know just what you're feeling.

[Seshat]

It's not just you. The only RL friends I have other than my husband are the two I've been referring to as my best friend and my blind friend.

And right now? They do everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - without me. Apparently, my blind friend's kids are too stressed right now to deal with my particular set of disabilities.

I don't know if that's true, or if it's an excuse, but it really, really hurts. And I'm lonely and hurting and struggling very hard to fight off depression, largely because of that.

[unclejampuff]

I have the same problem. I moved 500 miles to be with my boyfriend. His friends are fine, but they'll never be my friends. Next month I'll have been here for 2 years. The only friends I have left are the ones I left behind in Virginia. The "friends" I've made at work don't call me back or follow through on plans.
My VA friends assure me I'm still as interesting and fun as I've always been, and we have a great time every time I visit. I don't get it. I've tried finding nerd social groups, like anime clubs or DnD games, but it seems like there's nothing in Buffalo. I keep telling myself it'll be easier once I start taking classes at the local community college, but there's always some financial crisis that prevents me from attending. So I just twiddle my thumbs and desperately look forward to the next time I can go visit home.
If you PM me your address, I can send you little postcards and stuff to help you remember you're not alone. :hug:

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm going to say a few things to you that might be a little hard to read, but bear with me. People will treat you the way you expect to be treated. I'm not saying this is all your fault, it's absolutely not. However, I do suspect it might be a bit of a self-perpetuating problem.

Look at your subject line here. You wrote "no need to read". Why? Surely you wouldn't have posted it if you didn't intend for it to be read. That's what I mean in a nutshell. You see yourself as a pariah, as someone not worthy of notice. People pick up on that sort of thing, and most of them are not big enough or gutsy enough to take a chance on you.

You sound like a super person. I mean, I'd probably want to hang out with you if I met you and got to know you. Probably many would. But you really kind of have to give them a reason to want to get to know you. Eye contact. Smile. I suspect you are a bit shy...shy smiling is okay. Just look open.

The helping your coworkers catch up so they can slack off and the loaning/giving of money needs to stop. As I'm sure you already know, that sort of thing breeds disrespect, not friendship. They even at this point expect it, because now you are seen as a bit of a pushover and get mad when you don't come through. Screw 'em, they aren't friends, so that doesn't matter to you. Just cut them off and don't look back.

Now, about co-workers as friends: Beware of this. I dont mean this as an absolute, because you can certainly find people who turn out to be genuine friends among co-workers. However, it's fairly rare, in my opinion. When you see your co-workers all buddying around like that and hanging out together outside of work all the time you are basically seeing a bunch of people who don't otherwise have any friends, either. That's why their co-workers become surrogate friends. The reason the "user guy" you mentioned can get away with saying stuff like that and still having people to hang out with is because they are as desperate for company as you are, and don't care about what kind of person he is. I can't explain why they won't cut you the same slack other to say that pecking orders defy logic and they suck.

Outside of work, these people probably have no life. And they don't sound like friend material, anyways.

I'd also like to say that if you invite coworkers to ANYTHING they won't show up. They just don't. I'm a popular gal, and my freaking co-workers have never shown up for anything I've invited them to, either. So don't feel bad about that, THAT happens to pretty much everyone. I invite them as a courtesy, not because I actually think I'll see any of them. Which, in many cases, is actually a relief.

Don't look for friends at work. Maybe join a club of some sort. What are your interests? I think saying "be a friend to make friends" is a bit glib. It's not that easy to find people who share your interests. You mentioned D&D, so I'm assuming you're a bit of a geek, which is great. Join a D&D club, check out the SCA or similar group (a large number of SCA people like to game, and they tend to be pretty welcoming). Usually, if you find a geek, uncovering a whole nest of like-minded geeks is pretty close behind. ;) Lone geeks simply haven't been assimilated yet. :lol: The trick is to find a group you can join that has the same people showing up each time, so you have time to get to know them.

PM me if you like. I don't know where you are, but I'm in South Carolina, and pretty well connected with several scenes down here.

[Saydrah]

Another no-friends person checking in, though my situation is largely by choice, and inherited from a mother who similarly puts work and family above friendship.

I have lots of friends online, a couple friends at work, and a couple friends from high school that I keep in touch with, but rarely do I go out with friends, go to a party, go clubbing, or anything that resembles socializing. I refer to myself as a hermitess regularly. I have lots of pets, and they're the best friends ever, so I spend more time with them. I did have a guest this weekend, someone from online who came to stay for a night. We went to the park with my dog and then out to dinner, then went to bed. That's about as sociable as I get!

But I do understand getting into that mental place where you desperately want and need friends, and friends just don't appear on command. I get like that, too, and have those "OMG I'm my mother!" panics.

Maybe you are putting off an aura of desperation, which is unattractive either for a romantic partner or a potential friend? Start standing up for yourself and refusing to lend money, and tell them why.

"Sorry, I'm tightening my purse strings to leave room for my own expenses, especially as I've noticed that few of the people who borrow party money from me are willing to reciprocate either with a loan or a party invitation."

That'll probably make things worse in the short term, but it'll feel good to tell them where to go, and in the long term, standing up for yourself and believing that you are a person THEY should want to hang out with will do more for your confidence and self esteem than doing your best impression of the kid in the high school cafeteria doing the jocks' homework every day, thinking that someday he'll be best buddies with the football star.

BE the football star!

[ArcticChicken]

I'm at an all time high for good friends right now. I have three that aren't family. And I'm dating one of them.

In my entire life, I have made one friend without assistance.

My best advice is to join a club or take a class (yoga, pottery, English, whatever) and don't be afraid to talk to people. Also, you have plenty of friends here. :hug:

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will get better.

I'd also like to extend the offer of PM, if you ever want to talk.

[FuzzyKitten99]

Hey Blaque... how far are you from the Twin Cities?

[wagegoth]

BTDT. I'll back up the several suggestions to cut off the money and don't look for friends with coworkers. They are right on. I do have friends from work, but we became better friends after we didn't work together anymore. My job, and all the attendant gossip and bullshit stays there, except for what little bit of drama I may share for entertainment purposes with my husband and friends.

I don't see my friends in real life that much, we're all working full time +, two of us have kids, two of us are going to school part time, etc. I also don't like mixing work with my outside life. We email and phone a lot! None of us are club types. We don't go to bars or go dancing. Just not our thing. We try to get together for dinner or lunch a every few months, but that's it. Mostly we know that we can call each other at 3 a.m. and we'll pick up the phone and listen, and we'll do whatever we can do to help. That, to me, is a friend.

I found that when I just didn't care anymore about people caring about me, was caught up in my interests, while showing a well-mannered, generally civil interest in other people, suddenly people wanted to hang with me.

Frankly, stop being nice to these selfish assholes. If they ask for money, tell them, "No." If they push you for a reason, you don't have to offer one. Just tell them, "No." Develop the stare. This means you have to be able to stare someone down. Practice with your husband. You'll need it. Some of them will try to stare you down. If you can't handle it, just tell them you're busy and go back to work. Become completely unavailable to these people, except for work necessity.

Now, get a life outside your job.

Take the money you were giving to people and take a class. Spend it on a hobby.

Buy some books that interest you on something new. It's best if you buy them from a local bookstore. You never know who you might bump into in the same aisle. The owner and employees will get to know you, and may suggest other books to interest you, or other regulars with the same interests.

Search Yahoo! groups for something that sounds interesting and join a few (set up a new ID and email so you can dump groups later if you want).

Go to a play. Start taking a martial arts class. Really, I said that. Martial arts. Try aikido.

Ever been to a Ren Faire? No? Go.

Ever been to a Celtic Festival or Scottish Games? No? Go.

Go to a comics convention. Go to an anime festival. Go to a fanvention of some kind. Even if it's completely over the top, there's someone there at your level of interest who's probably looking for a friend.

How many local museums or tourist attractions have you been to? It can be a fun way to spend a half day or day. Have lunch or dinner at a local cafe.

And here's your new motto: "You don't want to know me? Your loss."

[RetailWorkhorse]

take a chance on you.

*Sings*
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
--Take A chance On Me, ABBA



Go to a comics convention. Go to an anime festival. Go to a fanvention of some kind. Even if it's completely over the top, there's someone there at your level of interest who's probably looking for a friend.

Most people at a 'Con will not only stay in touch you after said 'Con, but will attach themselves to you the moment you walk into the door. Con-goers are your very best friends without the hassle of saying really anything. Heck, I got grabbed at SugoiCon because I was taking a photo of a lamp inside the hotel and the group that had set up the Con decided I was "adorable" and need to be "adopted". :D I spent the whole weekend responding to "Vega" (As in Vaguely Familiar, but then again they weren't the only ones to do it).

[Evil Queen]

I've met some really good people at music concerts.

Conventions are a horde of friends just dying to hook up with people of similar interest. I still have a friend in Dallas area that I still e-mail. Even seen him at the last Comicbook Convention that was held there.

I met a lot of interesting people when I was last at an Oktober Fest (the one in Wahalla, SC) and even let people take pictures of me in costume.

Game (like card, board or even pen and paper) stores is a good place to find people interested in DnD, miniature games or even games like Munchkin. <3

Blaque, do you feel better to learn that all the posters on this forum like you and want to help you? We're all friends here and we may have our little tiffs but they are never meant to hurt and we're always friends again in the end.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

And I meant to mention something else. That shit where they ask you to pass on info about stuff you aren't invited to? No. That's beyond rude and beyond insulting.

They do that crap again, say something to the order of "Listen, are you trying to make sure I know I'm not invited, or are you really that ignorant about what's rude and what's not? Clue-by-four: It's rude. Buzz off."

Won't increase your popularity, but hey, you aren't trying to be popular with these douchebags.. It will, however, probably give you a little satisfaction as you watch them squirm.

[Andara Bledin]

I'm hermit-like, myself. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and most of the people I really and truly consider friends are people I know through the Internet.

As to the people you know, stop giving them free handouts. Seriously. They're just using you because they obviously think of you as a pushover doormat type that's expendable

Maybe you are putting off an aura of desperation, which is unattractive either for a romantic partner or a potential friend? Start standing up for yourself and refusing to lend money, and tell them why.

What they said. Seriously. There is such a thing as being too nice, and you are being entirely way too nice for those douchebags.

They don't deserve you.

Go to a comics convention. Go to an anime festival. Go to a fanvention of some kind. Even if it's completely over the top, there's someone there at your level of interest who's probably looking for a friend.

Conventions are a horde of friends just dying to hook up with people of similar interest.

Game (like card, board or even pen and paper) stores is a good place to find people interested in DnD, miniature games or even games like Munchkin. <3

I third... fourth... whatever, get thee to a con. Conventions can be a whole ton of fun if there is anything there that interests you. You don't really have to know anyone, 'cause a lot of them tend to be big huge topic-based parties. If you don't have a lot of money, you can often go to a fan convention, and then just hang out with attendees in the open areas. Most fan conventions (that don't take place specifically in convention halls) will have large gathering places that don't require admission. Heck, even the hall-based ones usually have groups of people hanging about outside the convention proper.

^-.-^

[RecoveringKinkoid]

And like I said, the same could be said of the SCA. So Con, SCA event, whatever. You will find people with whom you have something in common with.

[Der Cute]

Ok, my turn.

I'm a hermit myself. I'm living with a person for the first time in over 8 years, he's my roomie - he's the landlord. We're also polar opposites.
He's big and strong and manlyman
I'm short and chubby and female - but not foo-foo.
He's outgoing, extroverted
I'm quiet, introverted
He knows cars/mechanics/physical labor stuff
I have a degree in puter stuff :)

He actually tells me to bring people over. I say no. To me, theres two kinds of people: the ones who like to entertain inside their home, and like parties...and the ones who like to have the house for family only and no intruders. Guess which one I'm in.

All of my friends are on line. Really. And most of them are over 6 hours away by plane. One's in NYC, the rest of my friends are in Europe. I have a family friend (godmother) who's a good 5 hour drive away, but she's not a person I'm going to tell my last hot date sex secret to. (like I ever get any...)

I've been told to get Real Life Friends. I kind of agree, because, well, one-on-one practice talking to other humans will up my confidence. I'll be better at talking to people in general -at work, in stores, etc. But my roomie helps me with interaction.

I think in your case, your confidence is lacking, and this is what the predators find. They sniff for blood..or lack of confidence in your case, and pounce when they get close.

People don't ask me for money. People don't ask me to drive them around. People don't accost me, even after dark in an alley. Why? Because of my posture.
Laugh if you want - but I used to work in a crack-ridden neighborhood. I had to walk to work. And right past the whorehouses. I had to carry myself tall, not make eye contact w/the bad people, and be true to my gut. If I felt ..Off...I went to a public place.

Trust gut.
Walk Tall.
Speak to people, practice it.
Feel better about self - this comes gradually.

Think of this too. Survival. If you have 10 dollars left til payday in 7 days, and someone wants to borrow 5 bucks so they can get a latte, would you?
Or if they wanted food - supplies like flour and sugar and milk?
Even if they promised to pay you back double?

Ask yourself when someone wants to borrow/ have /favor from you : does this help them at all? Does this help ME at all? How much effort do I have to put in this? How much time?

I'm not saying use that forever and ever (it can get selfish ) but it's a good way to prune the leeches.


Good luck, and start a journal.

Cutenoob

[Andara Bledin]

Why? Because of my posture.

Good point, here. Posture is important for a lot of things based on appearance.

If you want a good example, go watch the original Superman movie. Pay special attention to the point where Clark is about to tell Lois he's Superman and he chickens out. Note how totally different he looks, just because of his posture.

^-.-^

[AnqeiicDemise]

Case in point:

In High School, I was so *shy* that when it came to the 'shiest band member contest', people went across my name and said: "AnqeIic Demise... who the hell is that?" ...and won.

The best advice I got from my mom when I came home crying that day was to stop looking at my shoes when I walked. I.e. I didn't know it, but I was so shy/lonely that I walked around, staring at the ground... and it takes a gem of a person to reach out to that "shoe starin'" joe. One of my closest friends made me uncomfortable because he'd look at me when I was being a wall flower. He'd smile at me if I caught his eye.


He came up to me right after that contest (i.e. when I was announced winner) and said "AnqeIic... now that's a pretty name. My name is D----, how are you?" -- And yes, I got lucky as normally people don't seek out the quiet ones.

I stood there baffled for a while and tried to hide and he went on to say that he'd notice I was quiet and just hid myself in corners and wrote....he figured I was one hell of an interesting kid because, unlike the yammering idiots, I actually had something worthwhile to say if/when I decided to speak. And NO, he didn't want to bone me.

So, Blaque, pretend you're D---- and smile at someone who's having a bad day. Look up at the sky.. and next thing you know, you'll be like me.. wondering who the hell that dude was and how he got my name. Love yourself, hon. Believe that you're not a pariah because, really, your'e not. You just got shitty people around you.

I agree with those who say you should cut off the purse strings and don't be the 'messanger'. Next time your'e asked to ask 'so and so if she's coming.' say no, or simply don't do it. They'll catch on to that fairly quick.

Also: with the money you save by not letting people mooch off you, you can enroll into a CC and take an elective such as ballroom dancing or art. It'd be fun!

[powerboy]

I know how you feel. I had a couple of friends while in school. It was not until 7 years later, when I met my ghost hunting group. I now have quite a few friends. Just open yourself up some and you will do fine.

[Andara Bledin]

The best advice I got from my mom when I came home crying that day was to stop looking at my shoes when I walked. I.e. I didn't know it, but I was so shy/lonely that I walked around, staring at the ground...

Funny thing; I stare at the ground when I walk. But it's not because I'm shy or anything. It's because I'm neurotic and hate stepping on cracks or lines. I'm so bad about where I step that I try to keep my steps even for how much shadow I step in with each foot (never mind the fact that by the time I step, the entire spot under my foot is in the shadow created by my foot). I used to always have people telling me to look up more.

^-.-^

[BookstoreEscapee]

We could be fiends
Fiends, huh?

Funny thing; I stare at the ground when I walk. But it's not because I'm shy or anything. It's because I'm neurotic and hate stepping on cracks or lines. I'm so bad about where I step that I try to keep my steps even for how much shadow I step in with each foot (never mind the fact that by the time I step, the entire spot under my foot is in the shadow created by my foot). I used to always have people telling me to look up more.

^-.-^

I have to do that at work, cuz, well...there's a lotta geese... ^.^

Trying to inject a little levity here, cuz a lot of this hits home for me, too. Demise - I was that kid in middle/high school. Barely said a word to anyone; never went anywhere. I had a falling out with my best friend in seventh grade and suddenly it seemed I had no one. I still have a hard time making eye contact; making the first move with people is still very difficult. I have a hard time believing that my friends really care, that they really like me or are interested in what I have to say. My college friends are all scattered, the closest being a 2 hour drive away; I have some friends from when I worked in the store, but for the most part I let them contact me to do stuff, because I don't want to ask and have people say no. I have my oldest friend, who I've known since I was 2, and even her I don't see much and she's 15 minutes away. I've always been a homebody but sometimes I am really just hiding.

Katt - I know how you feel (we're the same age, too). I won't give advice because it seems folks have got that covered (and clearly I should take some of it, myself). But if I were in WI I'd come give you a hug.

-ams-

[FuzzyKitten99]

Katt, if you're not too far from the Twin Cities, I am willing to hang out with you, and meet you at least halfway.

A group of people I am friends with (originally just on a local message board), meets around the Cities on the 2nd Saturday of each month, and we ALWAYS welcome newcomers. The largest group we have had was last month, where 22 of us were there at one point.

This week we are meeting at Christo's @ their Union Depot location around 3/4pm. Usually we meet around 7pm or so, but we are meeting right after a rally we are all attending, so we bumped up the time.

Anyway, PM me if you want an invitation to the other boards so you can get to know us. We welcome everyone of all threads of life.

[Amethyst Hunter]

A caveat on the whole eye contact thing:

Some of us CANNOT stand this. I HATE it when people tell me to make eye contact. It's unbelievably difficult, and very uncomfortable. Some people just have a very hard time with it (autistic, Asperger's and ADD folks being notable for this).

So, don't force yourself to take on any more than you feel comfortable with. Try to make small, short glances, at an area of the face like the nose. You don't have to have your eyes wandering all over the place, but small stuff like that can help.

[Andara Bledin]

Re: eye contact

I stare at noses. Or ears. Or I watch people's mouths when they talk.

Watching mouths as people talk is fascinating. Did you know that you can "lip read" most accents?

I can't remember the last time I looked someone in the eye.

^-.-^

[RecoveringKinkoid]

My brother in law is Finnish. Then tend to be kind of quiet and introverted, at least in comparison to my family. He says "You know how to tell a Finnish extrovert? He's staring at your shoes."

[CaroPhoenix]

Bookstore Escapee - Hahahaha! You caught my spelling mistake. (Though my Ass Man, "C", says he's my fiend too).

Ahem - BlaqueKatt - I'd like to be your fRiend. :D Hahahaha!

[Boozy]

A caveat on the whole eye contact thing:

Some of us CANNOT stand this. I HATE it when people tell me to make eye contact. It's unbelievably difficult, and very uncomfortable. Some people just have a very hard time with it (autistic, Asperger's and ADD folks being notable for this).

Good eye contact means looking at the person's face, but keeping your eyes moving. Make direct eye contact every three of four seconds.

Constant direct eye contact is considered aggressive by most people, and you'll find that no one really does it.

[wagegoth]

My brother in law is Finnish. Then tend to be kind of quiet and introverted, at least in comparison to my family. He says "You know how to tell a Finnish extrovert? He's staring at your shoes."

I've heard the same thing but substituting engineer for Finn. I think it relates to the autism spectrum/asperger's thing.

Also, if you look at someone's nose, it seems like you're looking them in the eye.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Good eye contact means looking at the person's face, but keeping your eyes moving. Make direct eye contact every three of four seconds.


That's still difficult for me sometimes. I also watch people's mouths when they talk. In part I think it's because I had some hearing loss as a kid and got in the habit of "reading" lips and I still do it. Probably the last thing I notice about most people is the color of their eyes.