Wherein He Who Messes With Jester Gets Cuffed and Stuffed....

[Jester]

I've said it once, I've said it many times....don't fuck with Jester. BAD things happen to those who fuck with Jester. But do people learn? Of course not.

So last night, after working at The Bar, and having a few beers afterwards (of course), I was walking along the harborwalk by the Waterfront Bar on my way to get some late night dinner at my favorite Irish bar. And as I'm strolling along, I see this punk coming down the harborwalk towards me. As I notice him, he violently pushes over a large trash can. :wtf: Then I see him do the same thing to another trash can. :pissed: Damn it, this dude is messing up my fair island! How dare he! So I decide to call him on it. I loudly say, "What the fuck, dude?!?!?"

So the punk looks up, sees me.....and smashes a beer bottle in his hand over a dock piling, and begins to advance upon me. What the hell?!?! I thought the broken beer bottle thing was a movie cliche. Now, I love my island, but I am not about to get sliced up by some drunk fuck with a broken beer bottle. So I throw up my hands, back away from him, and say "Nevermind, dude." Thankfully, he seems to think that is enough, and continues on his way.

It's at this point that I see a barback from the Waterfront Bar and the harborwalk security guard following punkass, and the guard is on the phone, obviously talking to the police dispatcher. It seems that his garbage throwing was not his only transgression. Before I ran into this upstanding citizen, he had been causing trouble in the Waterfront Bar. And by trouble I mean heaving a large wooden bar stool at the security guard. Yeah, that kind of trouble.

Figuring this could get entertaining, I tagged along with the security guard and the barback. At this point, the barback was yelling at Punkass, loudly taunting Punkass and questioning his manhood, among other things. At this point, some yahoo comes along asking about Punkass....apparently Punkass had Yahoo's backpack. Apparently they were friends. Yahoo seemed completely harmless, actually like a nice enough fellow, but I told him, "If that dude is your friend, you need to improve the quality of your friends." So Punkass has run down the next street down the harborwalk, away from his ever-growing following: the barback, the security guard, his friend, and of course yours truly. When I got down to the street, I saw Punkass coming back up the street....just in time to get to the corner at the same time that the two police cruisers rolled up. :D

So, after talking briefly with the security guard (who is employed by the city, mind you), one of the cops secured Punkass. Didn't cuff him, mind you. No, he held him by one of his arms twisted behind his back and made him clean up the garbage and the glass that he had left in his wake. Now that was classic. While Cop #1 was doing this, Cop #2 asked us if we would like to make statements.

Why yes. Yes we would.

I can't remember a recent time where I have so thoroughly enjoyed filling out an official document. And since the cops told me to write down exactly what happened, I quoted myself exactly: "What the fuck, dude?" For some reason, that tickled my funny bone.

And my funny bone got even more tickled when, after Punkass was done cleaning his mess up, the cops cuffed him and put him in one of their cruisers.

Justice! I am not sure of all the charges they planned on leveling against him, but I do believe they included disorderly conduct, trespassing, and attempted assault. How many times have I said it? Don't. Fuck. With. Jester! Baaaaaad things happen to those who do.

And then.....then I ate meatloaf. :D

[draftermatt]

So was the meatloaf good?

I need to ask my wife to make her meatloaf next week.

Oh yeah, and Holy Monkey!

What in the world was that dude's issue? Good on you for standing back when threatened though, too many people would have taunted him. I'm a tad surprised he didn't try going after the bar back.

[Jester]

The meatloaf was good, but not excellent. I give it a score of 7. Disappointing, really, only because the food at that bar is usually ridiculously awesome. So "just good" is below their normally high standard.

As for why Punkass didn't go after the barback, I think there are a few reasons. One, the barback is a larger dude than me, and than Punkass, and he was RARING to go. Two, the barback was not alone.....at this point, he was with the security guard and me. Punkass was a coward. I mean, he felt the need for a broken beer bottle with me....I stand an "imposing" 5'8" and weight 150-160 pounds. The barback is (I am guessing) about 6' and 200 pounds. Punkass was probably about the same height, but rail thin. Anyway, a dude who feels the need for a weapon to take ME on? Two reasons. 1. They know me, and know I will kick their ass if riled. Punkass did NOT know me. 2. They are a fucking coward. Punkass was definitely a fucking coward.

Amusingly, while he was being made to clean up his mess, he kept going on and on to the cops about how "this guy was harrassing me, man." I don't know if he meant me, or the barback, or the security guard, but yeah, I guess calling someone on their bullshit behavior could be considered harrassment....by a flippin' idiot.

[Talon]

"What the fuck, dude?" For some reason, that tickled my funny bone.

LOL, I bet the cops got a kick out of that.

Reminds me of my last job on the phone, sometimes when going over notes on an account with a customer, I'd skip non-important sections by saying "Blah blah blah...". Some customers would ask me if their notes actually said that. My response? "Only in my head." :lol:

[crazylegs]

And since the cops told me to write down exactly what happened, I quoted myself exactly: "What the fuck, dude?" For some reason, that tickled my funny bone.

Writing it in a statement is easy, try saying it in court! :p

[wagegoth]

A lawyer I used to work with had to repeat a similar statement in a civil case when questioning a witness in court. The way she said it, in her lovely upper class, English accent, apparently impressed a representative from the client, because he ended up making up a certificate and framing it, commending her on her skills.

[Amethyst Hunter]

*snickers uncontrollably* Ahh, the sweet, sweet smell of PWNAGE...

[Kara]

Jester: 1
Drunken Asshat: 0

LOL, I bet the cops got a kick out of that.


That's actually exactly what they want you to do. They want to know EXACTLY what was said.

I don't swear on the job. I never have. It's kind of a self-imposed code of honor. But, if an inmate tells me, "Fuck you, you fucking bitch. I'll kill your motherfucking ass!" then, when I write him a Disciplinary Report for Insubordination/Disrespect and/or Threatening or Intimidating Any Person (which I don't do because I don't personally feel "threatened" or "intimidated" by these jackasses), I'll write that he said those exact words. When my Sargent goes to his cell door to serve him the DR, she'll read that back to him for the reason he was written.

Although I have to say, it is fun when they serve the DR's and they read things like that. Because it's like "ho-hum, blah blah blah, said 'fuck you,' blah blah...."

Now, if the inmate pleads Not Guilty to the charge, then, at the DR Hearing, the Hearing Officer will call me and ask me to give testimony over the phone (in most cases we don't have to be there in person at the hearing). He'll ask me the details of what happened, and I'll say precisely what the inmate said to me.

[Jester]

Well today my Rockin' Manager and I got on the net at work and looked up the local sheriff's website, where the local constabulary will post the mugshots and details of any and all who are arrested. (It is a site that many employers and managers down here will check daily to find out who is not going to be at work, and why....)

We found Dumbass without a problem, and unlike most of the mugshots, where the people either look miserable or cracked out--or both--Dumbass had a huge Cheshire grin on his face.

Which is odd, especially considering the charges that were levied against him. To wit (as well as I can decipher some of the abbreviations on the sheriff's website):

--2 felony charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill. I assume this had something to do with his behavior in the bar before I came across him, such as when he heaved a huge heavy wooden bar stool at the security guard.
--1 felony charge of resisting an officer with violence. I didn't witness any violence against the cops, so this may have been after I left the scene, or else the cops thought he was such an ass that they decided his minor resistance was "violent."
--2 misdemeanor counts of battery (touch or strike). Not sure, guessing from within the bar.
--1 misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct. That could be applied to any number of things he did, both before and after my encounter with him.
--1 misdemeanor count of simple assault, intent or threat to do violence. I am no expert, but I am pretty sure this one stems from his advance upon me with the broken beer bottle.

So the dude has seven charges against him, three of them felonies. His bond is $22,500, and he is still incarcerated. And since he listed his job as "carpenter" and his address as "general delivery," it seems the dude is homeless, and probably "between jobs," aka unemployed. Which, coupled with that bond, means he ain't going anywhere anytime soon. His arraignment date is not yet listed, but by doing a little more poking, I found that just a few months ago, he was arrested for criminal mischief (property damage) and retail theft. AND I found out his name, just in case I ever run across the little shit again. And I found out all of this from the manager's office computer at The Bar and my home computer.

Ain't technology awesome?

So while I head off to Miami to carouse, have a few cold ones, maybe meet some lovely young ladies, and attend that all-American tradition, the baseball game, Dumbass is going to be cooling his heels in the clink.

Ain't karma awesome?

:devil:

[Becks]

Awwwww, I want to go to a baseball game...

And I wouldn't mind seeing people's mug shots.

Can I get any weirder?

[tollbaby]

Jester, this doesn't entirely relate to this current post, but can I just say that you are *ENTIRELY* made of awesome?

[Jester]

Jester, this doesn't entirely relate to this current post, but can I just say that you are *ENTIRELY* made of awesome?

Why yes. Yes you can. Please do. Hell, get your friends to do so also. My ego could use the occasional gratuitous stroking, after all. :D

Oh, and thanks. I may be an arrogant prick, but I am a courteous and humble arrogant prick. :lol:

[Jester]

Dumbass is still in jail. This is not the update. I just find that particular information hilariously funny! :lol:

But today I got a letter from the State's Attorney, updating me on Dumbass's arraignment date, asking me to fill out a form about any long-lasting effects or damages of the crime (none to me personally, really), and asking for my opinion on what Dumbass's sentence should be. I definitely had an opinion on that. It also said, if I wanted, I could be kept informed of all developments in the case. I wanted. Oh, did I want. If for nothing else, just for the sheer entertainment value of it all. I mean, let's be honest, this whole thing has been amusing as all hell.

So now, for the first time in my life, I am considered both a Victim and a Witness in a criminal case. Although, to be honest, by my own reckoning, I was merely a potential victim, as he never actually assaulted me, but merely threatened me. Of course, that doesn't absolve him of guilt in the charge of threatening bodily harm, or any of the other charges--I just don't really consider myself a victim. Witness? Well, yeah. Of course.

Short of some bizarre happenings (and in my life, you can never rule those out) there won't be any more updates until July 24, his arraignment date. Unless, of course, either side contacts me for a deposition. But usually in cases like this, where the defendant has little or no financial resources, the Public Defender convince them to strike a plea deal, so chances are my input and/or participation will be minimal.

Then again, as I have learned over time, never underestimate the insanity, stupidity, and random irrationality of people.

[Jester]

Boy are they ever!

It seems that Dumbass is actually going to go to trial. While it is normal to plead not guilty initially until the prosecution and defense can hammer out a plea deal, by all accounts Dumbass's family has money, has hired a lawyer to defend Dumbass, is planning to go to trial, and have filed a motion to reduce his bond, presumably to get him out of jail.

I have talked to both an investigator for the defense AND a person from the State Attorney's Office about this, and told them the exact same story as I have related here and to my friends. Both told me I may be subpoenad to testify. To both I said, no problem! I'll be there with bells on!

The defense investigator asked me some questions about how I felt about Dumbass being hospitalized instead of jailed. Frankly, I have no problem with that. I WOULD have a problem with Dumbass being free in public and merely getting therapy, or whatever. Do the crime, do the time, buddy.

After I relayed my story to the guy from the SAO, he said he was changing the charge related to the beer bottle incident from simple assault to aggravated assault, which I believe is a felony. I have no issue with that.

Oh, one other thing I learned. I could not figure out why he was charged resisting arrest with violence, as I did not see him do that....but apparently at the jail when they were booking him, Dumbass BIT an officer or two. And his family wants this toad out on the street? Riiiiiiiight.

So right now, these guys seem to want to go to trial. And yet the witnesses against him are police officers (regarding the biting incident), a city employee (the security guard), and one very articulate and well-spoken Jester, who if called to testify is planning on going full shirt and tie. I clean up REALLY well! (The barback has not, as of yet, given a statement, and I don't think he wants to get involved, though of course he may not have a choice in the end.)

Stay tuned....I get the feeling this is going to get even more bizarre before the story ends!

[Sandman]

*starts to make the popcorn for everyone* What flavor does everyone want!?

This is getting interesting Jester, keep us updated!

[Becks]

I'll be there with bells on!

Attached to a jester's hat, or...?







Wow. Biting a cop or two. Maybe he was hungry.

Seriously, though, I await the update(s).

[Jester]

Attached to a jester's hat, or...?

Um, no. This may be one of the few times where that phrase is figurative for me and not actually literal.

Because, kids, I clean up real well, and if I am called to testify, I am going to have my hair cut nicely, my goatee trimmed close, and will be wearing my best Job Interview Outfit, i.e., dress slacks, white dress shirt, and one of my snazzy ties. The kind of outfit that has had people confuse me for an actual lawyer in the courthouse before.

No jester's costume or hat for this one. :lol:

[Becks]

Um, no. This may be one of the few times where that phrase is figurative for me and not actually literal.
<snip>
No jester's costume or hat for this one. :lol:

Well, I don't know what to think now. *pondering*

[Jester]

....because the entertainment continues!

This morning I checked the appropriate websites that have information on this case, as I have been periodically, and I saw that of the seven charges against Dumbass, three had been dropped (or in their lingo, the State Attorney "did not take action on this charge") and four were filed against Dumbass. I also noticed that the defense had filed a motion for discovery to get the list of the witnesses against Dumbass--which of course includes me.

This afternoon, I received a call from Pre-Trial Services, who I believe are attached to the Court itself (rather than the State Attorney), and had an entertaining conversation with the woman from that office. After confirming that I was a "victim" in this case, she informed me of the status of the various charges (which I had already learned on my own), and that due to the dropping of three charges, his bond had been cut almost in half. She then told me that Dumbass's lawyer had filed a motion to either have Dumbass released tomorrow or to lower his bond even further so that his family could afford to spring him.

And then, she asked me questions. This was the most entertaining part of the phone call for me.

QUESTION: "If Dumbass were released tomorrow, would you be in fear of your life or your safety?"
JESTER: "Well, I wouldn't exactly be quaking in my boots, no, but I wouldn't put it past Dumbass to make some attempt to come after me. I don't think he has the intelligence to think of that, honestly, but I wouldn't put it past him.

Then again, his lawyer did ask for a list of prosecution witnesses. In all likelihood that is just standard pretrial preparation, but coming as it does right before their attempt to get him released, one has to wonder.....

QUESTION: "Would you be opposed to Dumbass being released prior to his trial?"
JESTER: "I would have to say I would be emphatically opposed to his being released before he goes to trial or strikes a plea deal, yes.

The judge will decide on the motion(s) filed tomorrow. Should be interesting.

Keep the popcorn bowl stocked, kiddies. :rolleyes:

[Becks]

Holy biscuit, Jester.

Good thing popcorn's on sale at work this week.

[Jester]

Well, yesterday Dumbass bonded out on his reduced bond. I guess his family was able to afford the lowered bond. The local sheriff's office, under state law, called me to tell me this, though I already knew, having called the woman at the pre-trial services office to ask her what the disposition of the case was.

It would make a good story if I said I was in mortal fear of the guy, but frankly, I can't summon enough energy to bother caring all that much. I haven't seen the dude, and to be honest, I almost wish he would come after me, so I could show him what's what.

I checked online today and saw that his arraignment is next month, and his trial is currently slated for September 8th. Well, fuck. See, September 8th *I* am slated to be in Oakland, California, watching my beloved Raiders in person. The guys I met at the Hall of Fame a couple of summers ago have my ticket, and have told me all I have to do is get there. And I'll be DAMNED if I'm not going.

I just hope this guy either strikes a plea deal, or something happens to delay the trial if he does go to trial, because I'll be damned if I am going to pass up a front row ticket, in the Colisseum, for a Monday night ESPN game season opener against the hated Denver Broncos.

The original incident didn't fuck with my life really at all, but now the trial could! Grrr.....

[AsatruThorsman]

Raiders, or Dumbass? Raiders, or Dumbass? Hard dilemma is hard.

[Jester]

Hard dilemma nothing. I am not missing that game. And, the good thing is, it looks like I may not have to.

Yesterday after my posting I found in my mailbox a letter from the State Attorney's Office advising me that Dumbass's trial date would probably be the week of September 8, but it also said that, if that conflicted with my schedule, say for vacation plans or what not, to give them a call. Which is exactly what I'll be doing first thing tomorrow morning.

Well, it being Anti-Morning Jester, first thing once I wake up....say around 10ish. :lol:

Apparently they court system is not completely blind to the fact that sometimes they schedule things that will interfere with the personal schedule of witnesses and/or victims. This was some very welcome news to me, because as much as I did not want to miss this game, I also did not want to get cited for contempt of court or anything!

[Jester]

Well, it looks like this chapter in my life is hopefully over.

Dumbass struck a plea deal with the state. He pled guilty and was given two years probation. I don't know if he has to do any anger management or drug courses or what, but I don't think so.

Shortly after this happened, his probation was transferred to what is called administrative probation, the difference being that with administrative probation one does not have to check in with anyone; one is simply on probation, and that will only cause one problems if one gets in trouble again. In other words, one had better not fuck up, or the fact that one is on probation will come to light, doubling one's trouble.

So, how did Dumbass work it so he basically has no consequences for attempting to assault a number of people, other than making sure he doesn't fuck up again? Well, it seems his mother's husband is able to afford good lawyers, and said lawyers worked this deal, based on the contingency that Dumbass get a job Somewhere Else. So Dumbass is off to Oklahoma for a few weeks, where his family apparently is, and then off to St. Croix or St. Thomas or one of those Caribbean islands to work for one of his stepfather's businesses, diving or sailing or something.

And honestly, I have no problem with any of this.

Well, I DO have a problem with the fact that if you or your family has money, you can get preferential treatment or lesser sentences in our court systems than those of us who don't, sure. But that is an institutional thing, it isn't likely to change, and it isn't the point here.

I don't really have a problem with Dumbass using his family's cash to get out of his legal problems. If I had his family's money at my disposal, I myself might be more inclined to do stupid things, like heaving heavy barstools at random strangers in bars, or knocking over public trash cans for no reason, or threatening other random strangers with broken beer bottles. After all, I would have to deal with less consequences.

More importantly, I don't have a problem with what is happening on a personal level. I don't give two shits whether Dumbass has to check in with a probation officer or not. And when the deal that gives him the freedom to not check in with a p.o. is the same one that takes him off my island and out of my life, yeah, I kind of like that.

And I don't have anything personal against Dumbass. Some people don't believe me, but it's true. I had never met him before the beer bottle incident, and I've never met him since. And there are basically two potential end results for Dumbass from all this. 1. He learned his lesson and will not be such a hosebag in the future. 2. He didn't learn his lesson and will get in trouble again, but next time on a Caribbean island where the law is not quite so lenient on whitebread Americans, (step)daddy's money or not. And where the population might just take justice into their own hands when some yahoo tries a stunt like what Dumbass tried on this island.

Either way, I'm good.

And I get to wash my hands of Dumbass.

EVERYBODY WINS!!! :party:

[Amethyst Hunter]

there are basically two potential end results for Dumbass from all this. 1. He learned his lesson and will not be such a hosebag in the future. 2. He didn't learn his lesson and will get in trouble again, but next time on a Caribbean island where the law is not quite so lenient on whitebread Americans, (step)daddy's money or not. And where the population might just take justice into their own hands when some yahoo tries a stunt like what Dumbass tried on this island.

Either way, I'm good.

And I get to wash my hands of Dumbass.

EVERYBODY WINS!!! :party:


:cheers: With any luck, if #2 holds true, Dumbass will piss off a high-ranking Houngon or Bokor** there and wind up reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally wishing he'd picked option #1. Some of those Vodun entities can be pretty nasty. :devil:





** = Terms for practicing sorcerers in the Vodun/Voodoo pantheon; houngons work 'white' (aka good) magic while bokors can do either (though this term is typically associated with 'black' magic).