New Update

[XXDarrienX]

Well been awhile since I update my situation. The ex has finally permamently moved back to Killeen and I no longer have to deal with it. After getting reestablished in my new place and not having to deal with her any longer I begun to go back to my online dating sites and try my luck again. This is what brings me to the current situation that I request advice on.


I met this girl on eharmony, we went on a few outings and we talk alot and we have just about everything in common and shes not evil or psychotic from my understanding as she had the same abusive relationship I had but it lasted for 7 years however. I have not seen or gone out with her in 3 weeks. I am not allowed to pick her up from her house or do anything of the sort till her parents meet me(she lives with them while going to school). Everytime we have made some sort of plans to go out to dinner with her parents(my treat ofcourse) it was planned and then dropped at the very last minute. So I am stuck to meeting her at the mall instead which is fine for me. The downside is we will talk online or the phone quite a bit and then plan to do something that night. One of two things happen, she will say we will go out at x time and all of a sudden not be online or answer her phone. The second thing she would have her chronic migraines which I am quite sure is truth. It seems to me that her parents are either unwilling or unable to make time to meet me and thus solve their whole paranoia issue that I am not some crazy abusive boyfriend like her ex. Shes not able to stick to anything we talk about she wants to do and half the time its her idea. For example, we had plans to go to the mall fireworks display and she talked about this all week and then when it comes her parents make her run errands all night and making it too late to do anything. We had plans the following saturday, she wanted to go to some party that Blockbuster was doing, then she mistakenly lost her phone and never spoke to me the entire day and since I cancelled and did not plan anything besides being with her I was sitting at the house doing absolutely nothing. I am just about at my patient limit, and I have discussed this with her and she says we will try to work on seeing each other but it seems like she is more words than actual action. For someone that wants to see me, and wants to spend time does not appear to be making the effort. I am a very patient person but I am becoming quite annoyed. Sorry about the rambling but needed to vent.

[katie kaboom]

I'm sorry to say, either this girl is not interested in you and doesn't have the heart to break it to you or she is unwilling to stand up to her parents and take control of her own life.

She may have met someone else, or she may just be very afraid of letting anyone get to know her well, in which case she probably hasn't dealt with her past abuse and therefore is really not mentally or emotionally able to let herself get involved with someone new.

If you really like her, my advice is to wait a bit and see what happens. Most likely she'll either come around or she'll completely disappear.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Evil Queen]

I'm keeping out of this. But I agree with Katie.

[Emrld]

Ok I have to wonder about the ages of those involved here.
If she has to have her parents approval to go out with whomever she wants . . . .is she under 18? Get proof . . .go to the house and ask the parents directly if you have to.

Granted it may be that she isn't comfortable with you knowing where she lives. (single female that lives by herself . . .I don't tell till comfortable myself)

The last minute bail out/ forget phone - that is just plain dissrespectful. Stop doing the chasing. Keep your options open, meet more people. If she comes around great . . .if not well you aren't waiting at home with no plans.

[XXDarrienX]

Shes my age, 25 and lives with her parents while shes going to school.

[crazylegs]

Brutally honest post below, higlight text to view, if easily offended do not read

She's playing you for a fool, leave her alone and look for another date.

[Emrld]

sorry but I have big red flags going off
If she is actually 25 . . . I don't have a problem with her living at home . . .but parents with that kind of control still over her. Some information is missing.
-does she have actual mental issues that require her parents to keep that tight a reign over her
-if her parents have that tight a reign is she attracted to situations where someone else controls her life?
-I don't know that I buy the actually over 18 thing
-is she actually married and playing around?

Sorry online dating has me really cynical . . . .I don't buy half of what I get told.

[wagegoth]

That girl has way too many issues, and you don't need another relationship like that.

Don't make plans with her anymore. She can call, but you're busy. Either she'll drop the relationship(?) or she'll do something about it, like having you meet the parents. Either way, you'll have a result.

Personally, I'd get out while it's still early and there's no real relationship. It's easier and simpler.

And keep looking and dating other people. Have some fun. Don't approach a date as looking for a relationship, look on it as an opportunity to meet a new friend. That way, if something does click, it will be a lot more comfortable fit.

Good luck.

[technical.angel]

Okay, I'm approaching this as someone who has done some of the same thing :: shame ::

Yes, all of the above could be true.

BUT..

She could still be hung up on the ex, and beating herself up for being interested in someone else.

She could be nearly scared to death. She was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. That could really make you doubt your ability to judge people.

After being in a relationship for 7 years, she might not remember/be comfortable with dating again.

Just some thoughts.

I do suggest to step back a little and see how she reacts.

[ArcticChicken]

Take a step back. If she wants a relationship, she'll do something about it.

[blas]

I am not denying that this girl MAY have some problems and this is probably not worth persuing, however...

Please do not assume that she's too old to be controlled by her parents. I may have been much younger, 18 and 19 at the time, but my mother was adament as long as I was living under her roof, she had every right to screen anyone I talked to, and she still had every right to force me to stop seeing people she didn't see "fit" to be around me.

It's not right, certainly not, but please don't think the girl is a liar because of her parents.....there are still some parents like that out there.

Although the rest of the story.....she doesn't sound like a very good catch. Darrien, I suggest you just stay single for a while and take some MUCH needed "you" time! You need to relax and just enjoy life for a while. You weren't allowed to for SO long.....just sit back and relax for a while hun.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Sorry, but the phrase that comes to mind reading your post is "Actions speak louder than words." Whatever her reasons are, this does not seem like a partnership with a future...I won't say necessarily write her off completely; if you want to hang out with her, fine, but don't put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak...

[Kiarna]

Ok only knowing what you have posted I will give my opinion.
Now I'm not saying this is true (disclaimer) but....
She sounds like me.

I have always been told if I need an excuse use my parents, and the phone forgetting/ losing is totally classic. It is a possibility she wants to say bye but is too gutless or worried to do it. Esp due to past abuse.

Or else she potentially has dipped her toes in the water, to see if it was safe....but never wanted anything to really come of it....I do that sometimes out at the pub!

These are only ideas which came up from what I know....not insinutating it is true just suggestions. But you do sound like you have so much more to give, and need someone better than this chick!

[Boozy]

Darrien, why are you dating at all right now? You just got out of a serious, long-term, and abusive relationship two months ago.

If I were you, I'd be spending some time by myself. You need to get to know yourself better and figure out why you're interested in the wrong kind of person.

My advice is to spend at least one full season looking after yourself before even thinking about dating anyone else.

[crazylegs]

Darrien, why are you dating at all right now? You just got out of a serious, long-term, and abusive relationship two months ago.

If I were you, I'd be spending some time by myself. You need to get to know yourself better and figure out why you're interested in the wrong kind of person.

My advice is to spend at least one full season looking after yourself before even thinking about dating anyone else.


This is quite possibly the best thing written on this thread, I got out of a three year relationship with an absolute control freak in August last year, only know am I even beginning to think about looking for a date (etc.).

[Raventhistle]

I agree with those saying that both of you might need a little more time, however, I don't just think you should give her some space.

I think you should tell her that you've noticed that these things happen, and if she's not ready for a relationship that it's ok, and (if you would) that you'd like to remain friends. If she's suddenly easier to hang out with, you'll knokw that was part of the problem. If she still can't show up for stuff, then you're better off finding another 'friend'. Friends first, love interest later. Sparks are good, but if she's not willing to do what any friend would do, anything else is going to be stressed.

Good luck

[Emrld]

Raventhistle - I like the way you think and worded that.

I have to agree with the general public here . . .take some time for yourself. I am not aware of it being written anywhere that you have to be in a relationship at all times.
You will be a better partner if you take some time for yourself.

Personally I have been in the wrong relationship and I have been single more than I like to admit. I prefer being single and figuring out what makes me happy to just being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

[RetailWorkhorse]

I'm trying really hard not to say mean stuff, really. :o

It's been only Two Months since you broke up from a long-term serious relationship.
You're looking for a new girl to waste your money on.
She doesn't seem all that interested in you, so she probably doesn't feel right dating you.

Currently I'm actually on the receiving end of this kind of relationship, so I'm in her shoes.
It's been a month since Guy has gotten out of a relationship and he wanted a new person to waste money on (<--that alone makes me, someone who's BROKE, feel like pure shit).
He keeps going on about how my Talents are so good and how I should sell my Talents (in this case, my artwork) when I'm totally against it.
I'm not interested. AT ALL. He knows this. Yet is still pursuing a relationship.

If you really feel that you're ready for the dating world then I think you should take at least another 3 months or so. Take time to take care of yourself first, build up your vocabulary or math skills or something. Just something other than dating someone. Besides: Dating is a means to an End and there are a lot of people who aren't ready for that End yet. Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she just really sucks at relationships (I know I do, can barely make friends without getting annoyed).

So just chilly down and have fun with your Summer first. Go to a Rave or a bar and buy a random woman a drink, have a chat, and take off (in fact, go to a gay bar and ask a nice lesbian what she thinks about Disappearing Girl). You don't NEED a relationship right now. To be honest, I don't think you're ready.

[XXDarrienX]

Well your all right on a few points, she does not seem to be trying very hard to be around me.

The reason I started looking after words is cause I was so unhappy with that relationship so I wanted something more pleasant and I felt I am ready for that. I just got all my stuff from that apartment with help from EQ and her bf and I am pretty much done with dealing with Crystal now since shes gone. Depending on the situation I usually do take time to get over a relationship but I was pretty much done with her the moment I left infact I had no interest with her for awhile before I moved.

[XXDarrienX]

Quick update: I have started to stop planning or inviting her to do things with me and letting her do it. After a few disappointments I got tired of bothering with it. She says she wants to do something with me tonight after I get off work, to be honest I am not holding my breath on it. So we will see

[RetailWorkhorse]

She says she wants to do something with me tonight after I get off work, to be honest I am not holding my breath on it. So we will see

There's an idea. Plan to meet at a bar or someplace to eat and if she doesn't show: you can still drink and eat as if you planned on being alone. Personally I always liked a nice quiet meal out without companions bothering me.

[XXDarrienX]

With her track record lately I would not drive anywhere unless I know for sure were going to meet up. I have almost been to Katy which is about 25 minutes from my apartment for her to call me and tell me she was not feeling well and we should do it the next day(which did not happen also). So yeah I am wary about even leaving unless I know for sure. I may make a good amount of money but I am not going to waste gas needlessly.

[blas]

So......what's the verdict?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Friend, if this sounds like a good deal to you, I got nothing. If this is all you expect for yourself, this is all you're gonna get. Can't help you.

Carry on, and good luck.

[Jester]

I had planned on doing a massive cut and paste to make some of my points, but I am going to trim that way down.

Darrien, you start off saying she is not evil or psychotic. Then you present all kinds of evidence to the contrary.

She is avoiding you like the plague. Either she doesn't want a relationship with you or she has her head up her ass and doesn't know what she wants or she is enjoying playing you for a fool. In any of those cases, you really should just drop the whole thing like the flaming bag of shit that it is.

Is that harsh? Yes. But so is the thought of you getting used yet again by a woman who is either evil, psychotic, or so controlled by her parents and spineless that she isn't worth your time, your money, or your emotions.

she had the same abusive relationship I had but it lasted for 7 years

The only proof you have of that is that she has told you that. For that matter, the only proof you have of her living with her parents, them controlling her, her getting migraines, her losing her phone, or any of the rest of it is that she told you so. Frankly, I believe this girl about as much as I believe My Worst Girlfriend Ever. Which is to say, not the least bit.

I know, I know.....some people are going to think "well, this girl could be telling the truth, there are parents like that, shit happens," blah blah fucking blah. Sure, it's possible. And if that is the case, as I stated above, she is too spineless and weak for you to really bother with, dude. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Really.

Personally, I wouldn't even bother showing up for the latest plans you have with her. Why bother? She doesn't seem to. Why should you? Move on, dude, move the fuck on.

The reason I started looking after words is cause I was so unhappy with that relationship so I wanted something more pleasant and I felt I am ready for that.

Now THIS I can understand. After my last (disastrous) relationship, I was so ready to find someone more worthy of my attention and company. I still am. The taste that the last one left in my mouth was so bitter I just wanted it gone. I still do. But in a way, this long Dry Spell I've been going through has probably been a blessing. It has helped me calm down some from the negative feelings I had after the last one, which were considerable, and focus more on me. I still feel that I am ready to find someone new, but so far, for whatever reason, that person hasn't come along.

Seeing as you still seem to be in the pattern of finding the wrong women, I am going to agree with the consensus here that dude, you need to take a break. Chill out. Concentrate on you. Go bowling. Climb a tree. Play yahtzee. Meet some new people. But whatever you do, stop spending your money on these ridiculous women.

[XXDarrienX]

Well the update is in, apparently she forgot what time I got off work and was waiting on me to call her to do something. I found this out around 8pm. She has a tendency not to answer her phone she admits she rarely has it with her since she rarely receives calls so yet again nothing. However I told her she contacts me when I get off work, if not I will do something else which I did. I beleive her in that shes not trying to avoid me but it does appear shes unable to do anything without her parents controlling her.

[Jester]

I beleive her in that shes not trying to avoid me but it does appear shes unable to do anything without her parents controlling her.

I believe this woman about as much as I believe that George W. Bush is going to hand me the keys to a brand new Ferrari, give me a suitcase filled with nonsequential unmarked hundred dollar bills, and get me a date with the Olsen twins.

But for the sake of argument, if she is telling the truth, why would you want to date a woman this pathetic and weak?

[AdminAssistant]

Okay, I'm a little understanding about the whole abusive relationship thing - that sucks. But for pity's sake....She's 25!!!! I'm nearly 25, and I'll be damned if my parents tell me what I can or can't do or who I can or can't see. Even when I'm at home, I come and go as I please.

If she's in such a fragile state emotionally and financially that she still needs to live with her parents, then she's not ready for a relationship, IMHO.

On a completely unrelated note, how's eHarmony? I've thought about using it before, but I'm not sure....

And on a REALLY unrelated note, Jester - you should start your own radio/TV advice show. Dr. Jester!! :lol:

[Jester]

And on a REALLY unrelated note, Jester - you should start your own radio/TV advice show. Dr. Jester!!

Well, I was a broadcasting major. I was a DJ. I do have the mind for it. All modesty aside, I certainly have the voice for it. And I wouldn't mind doing it, to be honest.

But of course I have exactly zero psychological, psychiatric, medical, therapeutic, or counseling training, other than Real Life.

Also, I am not always totally on my game right off the bat....some of my answers take me some time to come up with, and much editing.....though I DO think I could wing it reasonably well.

Hello? Radio execs? You listening out there? :wave:

[Emrld]

No Jester can't go on the air . . .. we must keep him here . . .our own little secret nugget of REALITY.

Ok - yes I admit it - If Jester wrote a book on the world as he sees it . . .I would be in line to buy it
If he had a radio show I would tune in
Tv show - I would record it (I hate comercials)

I have never met Jester . . .I don't always agree with Jester. I like the way his mind works. I like the way he writes his opinion as just that . . .his opinion. You are welcome to give it thought or not- he doesn't appear to take it personally either way.
I like that Jester will answer question with respect when shown respect.
(And now I hope that Jester doesn't mind me typing about him like he isn't on the site)

[draftermatt]

But of course I have exactly zero psychological, psychiatric, medical, therapeutic, or counseling training, other than Real Life.

Puts you miles above Dr. Phil though

[Jester]

No Jester can't go on the air . . .. we must keep him here . . .our own little secret nugget of REALITY.

Bite me. There's plenty of me to go around, thank you very much.

If Jester wrote a book on the world as he sees it . . .I would be in line to buy it
If he had a radio show I would tune in
Tv show - I would record it (I hate comercials)

Thank you, thank you, and thank you. And my show would probably (hopefully) be on commercial free radio. Not tv, because as I and others have said many times, I have the perfect face for radio. :lol:

You are welcome to give it thought or not- he doesn't appear to take it personally either way.

Very rarely have I been offended or taken personally anything said to me, near me, or about me on this site, online in general, or even in person, for that matter. I actually tend to get more offended by things said to or about people I care about than those things directed at me. It is damn hard to offend me, especially online.

(And now I hope that Jester doesn't mind me typing about him like he isn't on the site)

Why would he mind? She shouldn't worry about what he thinks. He doesn't mind what she said. :lol:

Puts you miles above Dr. Phil though

Funny....I was thinking the same thing when I typed my earlier comments.

[XXDarrienX]

I think the only reason I am sticking around is cause shes accepting of who I am as opposed to what my ex was like. EQ and her bf know of my frustration with it all. They helped clean the house just for her only for her to blow me off yet again. Its not that her parents do not allow her to do anything. Its that I can't do anything really with her till they meet me and know I am not some psycho like her ex. But your right Jester, sometimes I think why the hell am I still around, most guys would have dropped her the moment she started making plans and then cancelling at the last minute and not ever answering her phone.

[Becks]

a date with the Olsen twins.

You can do better.

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch better.

Bite me.

You know the response.

[Jester]

Darrien, if I understand you correctly, you stuck around not because she was all that great, but because she was better than your ex.

Dude, I feel for you, I do, and I've been there (and lord knows no one could be worse than My Worst Girlfriend Ever), but you can't date a girl just because she's better than horrible.

I know I come off as harsh, my friend, but I get frustrated, and frankly, I want to see you do well. I want you to meet a good girl and hit it off. But dude, this ain't that girl. She is good only when held up next to your psycho ex.

I got bad news and I got good news for you, pal. The bad news is that this girl, while better than your ex, is still a steaming pile. The good news is that there ARE, in fact, many good girls out there, some of whom are probably looking for a guy like you. (Lord knows they're not looking for me these days! :lol:)

Don't just settle for better than bad. It's time to aim higher, my friend. To paraphrase Thelma and Louise, you will get what you settle for.

Don't settle.

[Eric the Grey]

Darrien, I've got one thing to say about your situation:

"It takes two to tango."

Simple enough, I think. It takes two people to do anything worthwhile. That means that she needs to step up and participate at some point. Right now, you seem to be running headlong into a locked door over and over again, each time, hoping you'll make it through to the other side. Unfortunately, it's not happening. It won't until someone opens the door from the other side.

My advice, tough as it may be, is to tell her you don't feel she's into a relationship and you don't want to push her into something she's uncomfortable with (which may well be the case). Let her make the next move. It may be enough to shake some sense into her, or it may maker her realize that she really isn't interested and allow her to walk away with a clean conscience.

At this point, you don't have much to loose if she moves on.

Feel free to take or leave my suggestion. It's meant with the best of intentions, and the paved road is long, but I'm always willing to tread it to help someone out if possible.


:cool: Eric the Grey

[XXDarrienX]

Mini Update on my rather amusing situation.

She just sent me an email asking if I was interested in her or just playing games with her. Cause apparently shes tried to do things with me for two days and I never called her. I was reading that email and I thought something. Boy this sure does sound familiar to me, oh right. It is the exact same thing shes done to me and yet I do not get mad over 2 days, I got annoyed when it became 3 weeks of nothing.

[blas]

Just give it up honey......now we have solid proof that she's got a couple screws loose. She isn't the freshest cookie on the plate, if you know what I mean.....

Some people's minds are so small, I wonder how they are allowed to wander out on their own....

[crazylegs]

Mini Update on my rather amusing situation.

Derrien,

I wouldn't call it amusing, I don't know what I'd call it but it's not amusing.

Get. The. Hell. A.W.A.Y.

This girl sounds like my ex, she is a control freak, she has you running back and forth on her whims and, quite frankly, is treating you like shit. Getting annoyed after no contact for two days and you're not even dating? I'd tag that as abnormal behaviour.

If she doesn't want anything to do with an abusive relationship why are her actions ringing big red alarms in my head...?

[Talon]

Wow, so you're the one who's playing foolish email/phone-tag games?

Sounds to me like she's projecting so hard she could point herself at a wall and show off powerpoint presentations! (Sorry to steal your line Yahtzee)

Agree with Jester, she's a waste of your time.

[Saydrah]

Darren?

Stay single until you learn how to stop being attracted to emotional abusers over and over.

That is all.

[XXDarrienX]

Well I didn't know she was like this till after 2 weeks of constantly trying to do things with her I sort of got blown off. Talking to her I would not think shes like this. But yeah.

[Saydrah]

That's the point.

People who have experienced trauma naturally repeat it. You WILL be attracted to abusers over and over and keep saying, "How could I have known she was like this?" Unless you deal with that problem head on.

How could you have known she was like this? You were attracted to her. You were drawn to her. She was exciting and interesting to you. When you've been abused, your brain turns "warning signs of a manipulative, abusive person" into "exciting traits that make me want to pursue you."

It might be a pain in the butt and expensive, but I think you should see a therapist for a while with the goal of breaking the pattern of attraction to abusers. It's not something most people can remove from their psyche alone.

[Jester]

Keep in mind also that a lot of abusers, emotional and otherwise,

a. are good at finding people they can victimize, and

b. are excellent at disguising what they are early on and coming off as normal, nice, and good people. They are deceivers by nature, and thus they disguise their true nature. This is how they ensnare their victims.

So don't blame yourself Darrien. Yes, you need to find a way to break the pattern, as Saydrah said, but remember that these people prey on people, and right now you are going to have trouble telling them from good people.

So I shall repeat the prevailing wisdom that it would probably be best for you to take a break from dating for a while, and get in touch with yourself, so that in the future, these women cannot prey on you so easily.