I need some hugs....

[hopie144]

Reading the 'Crazy Family or Crazy Me' post started me thinking (again) about my not-so-Walton family.

I'll try not to let this get too long or get into too much detail.

A little background:
I'm 36, have been married twice (dumb move on my part, I know... that's another story) and have 2 teenagers who are my whole world. Anyways, staying on point, I have a house that I had with my first mistake, I mean husband, and after 10 years of marriage, we got a divorce. Well, after I was on my own for a couple of years, I remarried and he moved in with my kids and me. My parents, my sister and I each have our own tract of land and a house. We're all close. (living proximity that is) My parents own 20 acres, the whole point in buying that much was so us kids could have our own land and home, plus be close to our family.

On to the show:
Well my second husband and I decided it was time to buy a bigger home and we wanted to move to the city and be closer to our jobs. This happened a couple years ago. (We lived about an hour away from a bigger city)
My parents have been, shall we say, mad or upset or whatever since we moved away. It's not like we moved to Mars...we moved an hour away. Well, we still had some stuff in the old house after we moved, and gave a key to my dad so he could keep an eye on it til we decided to sell or whatever.
My sister and my mom came up with a brilliant plan and moved my sister and her family into MY house without asking me first! This happened over the weekend, and I just found out about it yesterday! No one bothered to call me, or ask me first. And my parents even had the nerve to tell my kids that they did it this way so I wouldn't find out about it til after it happened. And then it'd be too late for me to do anything. And when I asked mom why didn't someone call to ask me, she said they were afraid I'd say no, so they didn't want to call.

WTF??? It's MY house. Mine. Not theirs. Not my sister's. MINE. And when I called my sister to ask her about it, she hung up on me. Then I called my mom and she was all high and mighty about it, and couldn't understand why I was upset. She said that 'we're family and that's what family does for each other. We help each other out.' My mom's reasoning? My sister's house was old and she was afraid it would catch on fire. My house is newer, granted...but it was still MY house. I had things still in there...they packed up all my stuff and are storing it. I spent 15 minutes on the phone last night with my mom, arguing and me ending up crying. Mom told me that she's helped me out alot, and so has my sister, and that the only reason I don't come around anymore is because Mom's not working so she doesn't have any money to give me or able to do anything for me. My MOM said this. I asked her if she really felt that way....does she really think the only time I come around is because I want something, and she said yes. So I told her that fine, this is the last time she's going to talk to me. And I hung up and cried like a little baby.

My mom emailed me later last night, and that was the first email I read when I got to work this morning...she said that she's ashamed of me for acting this way. She never thought that I'd react like this. It's my sister and I should help her out. They've helped me out alot. Mom said I'm wrong about this. ME. I'm WRONG.
Oh and she also said that the one time I could help my sister, I act like this. Ok, wait, let me back up for a sec... my mom's words are this: "Sorry, I lost my temper yesterday, but I never dreamed you would react like that. This is your sister and it was my idea to move them. The old house is not safe and I was afraid the place would burn down with them in it. Hope we love you, but your wrong about this ,I'v never been ashamed of you but I am on this."

Copied and pasted from my mom's email. When you start an apology saying "sorry, but..." That's NOT an apology!!!! That was the very first email in my work email this morning. I've had to have that hanging over my head ALL. DAY. LONG.

She doesn't get it at all. I don't mind helping my sister. OMG. I've given my sister a ton of money, I've taken her places when her car broke down, I've helped her out with alot of things.....it's not like I DON'T help her out!!!!!! My sister never repays me the money I lend her... even a few years ago, we went to Disneyworld for a week and invited my sister and her family to go with us, and we ended up footing half the bill and paying for my niece to do stuff, because my sister didn't have any money. She knew about the trip a YEAR in advance...when I started planning it and asking my parents and her if they wanted to go with us!!! She griped and complained the whole week in Florida because she was broke. My husband and me paid for the whole house that week, (cheaper than a hotel) the rental van to drive us all down there, and we split the groceries with my parents. Cause my sister didn't have money for food. But she ate every day. And she went shopping every day.
But it's still not enough.

I have to let my sister live in MY house, without rent, or without her buying it, and mom told me that I have to pay taxes on it....and they never asked me.

Oh, I could tell you a ton more things that I've done for my sister.

But you know what? I've done alot of things for my parents and my sister's family. And never once complained or wanted anything in return. Oh and you want to know something else? My sister's NEVER done anything for me! That's right, folks. NEVER. When I went to the Bahamas for a week for my honeymoon, I left my car parked at my house, and gave my dad the key (stupid i know) cause we drove my husband's down to Florida...and I called my parents a few times to make sure the kids were ok....well, when we got back, I found out my sister used my car the whole week! No one EVER called and asked first. Never. I talked to my parents at least 3 or 4 times and they never mentioned it. At all. When I brought that up last night to my mom, she said that my sister did call me in the Bahamas to ask me. No she didn't. And mom knows that. My sister didn't have my hotel number. She never called me. My parents called once, I did the calling the rest of the time.

Well so much for not getting too long. I could go on and on about the things my sister and parents have done to me. But, seriously, they're family..they are. I know. And alot of this stupid stuff, I let slide. But now, now I can't.

Thanks for reading this. And for letting me vent. I'm still so upset and stressed that I can't see straight.

[Aethian]

*snugs and hugs* Karma will come back to them and vent all you need to sweets.

[Pedersen]

Hugs aplenty, but I don't think they're what you most need. What I think you need is to do the following, in this order:


Find out the location of the storage facility.
Collect your stuff.
Retrieve your stuff, and place in a new storage facility to which only you have the key.
Get ready to lose contact with everybody. Do whatever you need to do to make peace with yourself, because family war is about to erupt.
Evict the squatters.
Sell the home.


Thing is, you must do this as rapidly as possible. The longer you let them stay there, the more likely it is that you will be stuck owning a home you cannot use, don't collect rent from, and have to pay taxes on.

Don't let this happen. It's Tuesday, get all of this going by the weekend, or your financial future is going to take a severe beating that you might not recover from without bankruptcy.

[SteeleDragon78]

first off, thats F@#$ed up. second let me appologise for your folks, since its obvious they dont know how.

and i have to agree with pederson. yes its vindictive, but it also will stop the bs cold. it will show that your not a door mat. which is what your family thinks you are right now. sadly its about to get very springeresque in here very quickly.

good luck and keep us posted.

[Pedersen]

I've been doing some googling for a story I read about many years ago in a Reader's Digest (back before the WWW came about), but my google-fu is weak today.

Here's the story in a nutshell: Homeowner sells home. But does so in a shoddy fashion. Agrees to allow new owners to move in before closing takes place. Closing never happens, new owners keep putting it off, writing bad checks, etc.

Homeowner sues to get them evicted. Since the family has no place else to go, the judge lets them stay in the home. Homeowner is unable to get them out of the home, so he cannot sell it.

Homeowner is unable to collect rent, since there is no lease agreement.

After a couple years, the tax bills start piling up, along with interest. Homeowner finds himself owing some $50,000+ in taxes, backtaxes, interest, and penalties.

Homeowner is unable to find a legal solution to reclaiming his rightful property. Furthermore, he's now facing possible jail time due to the tax issue, along with financial ruin for him and his family. Since he has no other option that he can find, he kills himself.

It's a worst case scenario, to be sure. But it's one that terrifies me. And now, your sister has moved into this home, and is not even promising to pay you anything. This sounds a bit similar to the start of the nightmare story I just related.

Please, make sure it doesn't end the same way.

[BlaqueKatt]

agreement with Pederson seconded. It is your house, what happens if your house burns down? What happens if it gets damaged? You are paying the taxes and trying(possibly) to sell it, how do they have the right to steal* your property from you? Family or not-get them out and sell now.

*They are depreciating your investment without compensation=stealing.

The longer you let them live there the better their claim to your property.

I suggest you read this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_possession):

In common law, adverse possession is the process by which title to another's real property is acquired without compensation, by, as the name suggests, holding the property in a manner that conflicts with the true owner's rights for a specified period of time.

[ShadedWings]

Holy rudeness batman!

Sounds like your parents don't see you as -owning- anything. Yeah, it's good they think families should share that freely, but it's always polite to ask first!

They might be family, but it's YOUR house. If it's in YOUR name, I'd see about finding out what you can legally do to make sure that things are put right.

My mom did something similar, but not as major. I was underage when I got my first savings account, so it was joint with my mom. I got a monthly check from the government as long as I was in college until I was 21 for about $600 due to being a decendant from a deceased veteran. (Mom's first husband died while in service, from some nasty cancer.) Over time, I had saved about $3,000. Then one day my mom let me know, after the fact, that she had withdrawn all that money to put a downpayment on a truck for her. Not even something I could drive. (Recently found out that truck was officially "dead" and it brought all that frustration back to the surface.) I asked her what the heck she was thinking, and she said if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have gotten that money. Nothing about the fact that she got her own money for the same thing, or that if it wasn't for me being in school the money wouldn't be there either. Until this day I'm still pissed about it. Nothing I could, or can, do about it, but it's just one of those little things I will always be angry about with my mom.

If I were in your position... I'd rather have things settled favorably and have my house back and have family mad at me even though they're in the wrong than have everything simmer and (potentially) get worse and more buildup over time. As others have pointed out, this can be a start to a lot more problems if you let it sit. I think your family is seriously taking advantage and that needs to stop, especially if it makes you this upset.

:hug: Have some tea and some quality time with your favored family members (cuddles are good!) and see what you can do instead of dwelling, for now. Good luck on getting things sorted out.

[Rapscallion]

"I didn't know you'd react like this."

So, why was it done in secret?

You can choose your friends, and you can dump your family.

Rapscallion

[Saydrah]

OK, I'm having a very depressing week and in a major funk, haven't been posting, not ready to talk about it yet, but this post pulled me out of my lurking to respond.

You have if I understand correctly, a loving husband who supports your choices, and children of your own.

From this point on, THAT is your family. Maybe you make friends with your parents and sister again later in life, but right now, you need to cut off contact. You can't let your kids see you letting yourself be walked on with guilt trips and secrets and bullying. Then not only will they pick up on that as the best strategy to get around Mom's rules, they'll also (particularly if you have daughters) think that is an acceptable way for THEM to be treated. Daughters who see their mothers sacrifice their own self-interest completely to pacify bullies generally grow up to think that a woman/daughter/mother's role is to be a doormat in order to keep peace in the home.

Thank TFSM for my SO's mother, because if I hadn't met her when I was 15 and gotten several talkings-to about my right to stand up for myself, I would have imitated my mother's doormatting in all of my own relationships the way I did in my very early relationships. My mom is the type to let family and husband walk all over her because she doesn't like conflict, and I was very much that way myself as a young teen.

I remember one of my first boyfriends would always take the one computer chair in my bedroom while we sat and talked or watched a movie (parents forbade boyfriend+daughter sitting on the bed together) and I would always sit on the floor next to him. Fast forward to when I met SO (before we were together) and defaulted to that behavior when there weren't enough chairs in a room that also included SO's mom. She gave me this SHOCKED :eek: look and yelled, "Saydrah, you are a strong, independent young woman and I had better NEVER see you sitting on the floor looking up at a man like a puppydog again! Now, stand up and say, 'Are there any more chairs I could bring in here?'" I was horribly embarrassed, but I stopped sitting on the floor thinking it would be selfish to take a chair.

Pedersen and others are absolutely right about the "squatters' rights" problem, too-- you could lose the right to your own property-- but the example of letting your mother and sister take over YOUR house without YOUR permission and TELL your children that they were doing it to circumvent your authority is worse than the loss of valuable property. You MIGHT lose your house, but if you let Sis stay there, you WILL show your children that their mother allows herself to be treated like a slave by her family.

So, what you do now:

1. Gather together all documentation you have of your ownership of the property, and your mother and sister's choice to move her into the house without your permission. Print out every email, and try to keep all communications about the situation in email form and print them out. Especially try to get written proof that your items were removed from your home and placed in a storage unit, and of the location and number of that unit.

2. Call the city's police department and report that someone is squatting in your house without permission, that they are a family member but moved items into your house and removed your property without permission, and ask how to have her evicted.

3. Follow their advice (including getting legal counsel if necessary) and evict your sister immediately. Show no mercy. Give no notice beyond what's required by law. She is a squatter at this point and any attempt you make to pacify her only reduces YOUR legal right to the property and increases HERS. Change the locks as soon as she and all her stuff are out.

4. Get access to the storage unit. Try just showing your documentation to the people managing the storage unit, but get the police/lawyer involved if you must. Remove your stuff. Put it back in the house.

5. Ignore all further communications from your family. Forward harrassment to your lawyer.



Or, I SUPPOSE, you could do things the nice way first-- I wouldn't, but if you want to give the family every chance to salvage their relationship with you, follow these steps before following my previous suggestions:

1. Call sister directly, cutting mother out of the loop.

2. Tell sister, "Hi, Sis. I hear you've been living in my house. I care about your safety and understand your older home was a fire hazard, but I need to protect my interests as well. I will draw up a lease by which you may remain in my home in Small Town by paying Reasonable Rent Amount each month, as well as covering your own utility bills, and abiding by reasonable provisions such as keeping the house clean and caring for the yard. You can sign the lease and send a signed copy to me along with your first month's rent and a deposit equal to one month's rent. I'll need that within two weeks of the date I mail it to you. Thanks for understanding."

3. Call mother, inform her (before sister can cry to her), "I thought about what you said and I do want to help my sister. I've offered to let her stay in the house by paying a reasonable rent amount that covers my expenses for mortgage and taxes, as well as signing a fair lease. I do not appreciate your choice not to consult me about moving my sister into my house. I also am angry that you told my children you were intentionally making sure I didn't know until after the fact. However, I love you and you and my sister are my family, so I'm willing to do my part to make this work out in a way that is fair to both of your daughters. However, I need access to the storage unit where you put my property immediately, so that I can move it to a location that is more convenient for me."

4. Never again give your parents or siblings access to your property without your supervision.


But, somehow I don't anticipate your sister agreeing to pay rent and utilities and sign a lease. So, refer to first suggestions.

[InsanityInc]

:hug: Hang in there hon. I'm going with the evict, sell plan. Either that or present her (you're sister) with a letter from a lawyer detailing EXACTLY how much rent she is going to pay, how the taxes are going to be handled, and how fast she will be tossed out if she doesn't. Family is the worst for royally screwing people over. And they always justify it with a cry of "But we're FAMILYYYYYYYYYY".

Also, like has already been said, get your stuff out of the storage, and into your control. Admittedly it was my ex-husband who pulled this one; but when we seperated, he beat me to the storage locker. I lost 2 TV's, 2 microwaves, 2 computers, a laptop, and all the other electronics we owned. I kept everything else, figuring he already had his split of the household items. But I DID give him the pickup that still had $3,000 left owed on it. :devil:

[Evil Queen]

Saydrah beat me to it but I'm with her. I'd go about it the mean way because being nice has gotten you nothing but "You never do anything for your sister!"

[iradney]

I'm seconding the Evict and Sell motions here. Saydrah also has some very pertinent points here.
Seems to me like Sister is your Mom's favourite, since she comes down YOU for "not doing anything for your sister" but never takes Sister to task for all the money you've given/loaned her over the years.
That's a toxic relationship that you need to decide is worth the effort at the end of the day or not. Remember, you can choose your friends, but not the family you're born into. You CAN decide whether or not you want anything more to do with that family though.

[Jester]

Aye, you do need some mugs, and plenty of them! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: And have some more beer, while you're at it!

Oh, wait, it was HUGS you wanted? Well, hell, have a few mugs while you're at it.

And listen to the people giving advice here. They seem to have their act together and know what they're talking about.

Though I would suggest one thing. Before you do anything else, secure the key/combination/whatever to the storage unit they put your stuff in, go get your stuff, move it to a location only you have access to, and THEN act in the way you see most fit. Because chances are good with sneaky people like this that once they know you are trying to circumvent their plan, they will "deal" with your possessions as well.

And once this is all settled, back to the mugs! Hell, you deserve a few cold mugs!

:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

[minchazo]

Last time I checked on how to evict a scumbag, it was a long process and should be started ASAP. On the other hand, family is *extremely* important to me, even the scumbags. I would send the eviction notice ASAP by hand or with a letter saying something like this:

"I love you and am willing to help you buy cutting you a deal on rent, because you are family. I am not willing to pay housing taxes for you to steal my $XX,000 house. Once you are OUT, we can discuss a rental agreement - as family."

Why kick them out first? Because until they are out of the house, you're enabling their theft. I wouldn't help anyone do something illegal, especially family. And that rental agreement should be more explicit than anything given between strangers. Whether or not you enforce it is up in the air...

Lastly, your family is not letting you help your sister. If they wanted to give you that option, they would have asked. What they did was theft, or some more-specific legal term that connotes the same thing.

[erasily_ani]

Saydrah pretty much said it all. I can't believe that family would treat family like that, but then I guess I'm lucky on that end.

I know there's not much we can do, but you know this board will always be here for you to vent. This might be hard, but a clean break is probably best for you. Keep us posted and good luck.

:hugs:

[hopie144]

Thanks, everyone, for all your advice and support. Jester, thanks for all the mugs...trust me, I've been drinking quite a few beers the last few days.:drink:

I decided to respond to my mom's email....I just told her that I didn't have to justify myself, and I wouldn't. I also sent her the definition of 'squatters' from dictionary.com. :devil:

This was the last straw from my family, I haven't spoken to any of them since Monday night.

I am taking action to get my sister out of my house..... after this, I'll probably never see them again. Oh well.

I'll keep you posted on any new developments.

Thanks! :)