im so frustrated.

[Ljt09863]

im sure alot of you have been in a position similar to mine, so maybe that will help. anybody else out there have somebody else try to run the show when it came to YOUR baby, even though its not born yet? my fiancees mother is trying to do just that.

from what i heard, shes already bought more than half of what is needed for a baby. and trust me, that wouldn't surprise me. my mom hasn't had the chance to buy anything for my baby yet. mainly cause we had sme birthdays in the family so she was putting it of a little. which is fine by me. we've got untill the end of feb. but anyways. the stuff fiancees mother is buying, is all stuff i really want. she got a set of stuff to hang on the walls. it doesn't really go with the theme we are going with. and most of it is from garage sales, which isn't totally bad, but fiancee and i agreed that any furniture we get is not going to be second hand because it seems every expert says not to get that. so we are't. yet, thats all she wants to buy. we aren't going to use it as much.

this woman drives me crazy though. we were talking about baby stuff, and i was saying how i can't wiat to find out the sex of the baby so i can buy clothes, and she says,"don't buy any clothes!". i thought she said it cause you know,people buy clothes for the baby shower and stuff. so i said,"ill probably do most of the shopping after the baby shower." she then says,"don't buy any clothes! im going to buy all the clothes! i work at Kohls!!! so im going to buy it all!" im thinking, you know..i appreciate the offer, but you aren't the only damn person in this childs life!!!! and i don't care if you work for kohls! i work for walgreens, but im not going to buy all your prescriptions! and i want to buy clothes for my baby! thats one of the things i look forward to doing!

and then the baby shower. shes already planning it all. has she talked to my mom to see what my mom was planning? nope. and she won't.i know she won't. everything has to be her way. just like back in feb of this year, i told her my mom was buying my fiancee a blender for his birthday. what did his mom go and do the day after i told her this? bought him a blender. its not like she said she was going to do it. when i told her what my mom wanted to do, she said,"ok, thats fine with me. i was going to get him something else." so my mom couldn't figure out anything to gie him for his birthday, and i couldn't figure out anything either...


but anyways. the baby shower. i suggested maybe having two. one she planned, and one my mom planned. both grandmothers to be would be at both. oh....when fiancees mother heard about that, she went crazy. "WHY SHOULD WE DO THAT WHEN IM PLANNING ONE RIGHT NOW?" umm...because you are doing all the planning and not letting my mother do anything would be the reason. im my mothers only daughter.

if i thought maybe fiancees mother would be different with the next child, i would let her have this one, and my mom have the next one, but i know it will be the same each and every time. i dread when a wedding for me and fiancee comes up......

[Retail's Bitch]

wow... She sounds like a piece of work... I'd sit down and have a serious talk with your husband to be about his mother's behaviour. Then sit her down and tell her as well... I had to do that with my former mother in law... It worked... Sort of. She had this bad habit of saying things before thinking...

As I would describe her to people, she was missing that important filter between her brain and her mouth. Rude things, disgusting things... So I told her off one day and said that as long as she was visiting under my roof that she would watch her tongue.

And she does while she's here... It's carte blanche everywhere else though unfortunately.

[sportsmom]

I agree with RB, I think you really need to sit down with your fiance and explain to him that his mother is being over bearing and obnoxious, and get him to talk to her. I think if it comes from you, she may start the whole "I was just trying to be nnnnniiiiiiicccceeeeee and now you are mad at me" crap.

You could also turn it around on her when she tries to give you things tell he "Oh, we've already ordered/bought/pulled out of our arses the things we are going to use (whether you have or not is irrelevant at this point), why don't you keep them at your house for when we visit with the baby." That way she gets to keep what she bought, but it doesn't have to be in your house. It always worked when my parents brought back loud toys from their various trips for my dd's.;)

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I have a few thoughts on this, having had one a year ago myself.

First of all:

"You could also turn it around on her when she tries to give you things tell he "Oh, we've already ordered/bought/pulled out of our arses the things we are going to use (whether you have or not is irrelevant at this point), why don't you keep them at your house for when we visit with the baby." That way she gets to keep what she bought, but it doesn't have to be in your house. "

This is excellent council, because you WILL want stuff at places you frequent, like Grandmom's place. I keep stuff not only at Nanna and Poppa's, but also at a friends' house I'm at every week. So mum in law can have her fun, and you dont' get buried under a tidal wave of duplicate items. Everyone wins.

As for planning showers, let her plan one, and let your mom plan one. You can have more than one. My friends had one for us, my work had one for us, and then my church had one for us when the baby was christened. I had three. No rule against it. Oh, I almost forgot. My mother's co-workers had a "grandma's shower" for HER...and brought gifts for her to give to the baby! So that's four showers. Have fun.

On one hand, I'd say mom in law is just having fun buying stuff for baby. My mother, my sister, and even some of my friends who have grown children I am learning are enjoying just getting stuff for the baby. I wouldn't want to deprive her of the fun of helping you feather your nest. However, I wouldn't want to deprive YOUR mother, either. So let your mother do what she wants, too.

Just becuase someone gives you something, that does not mean you have to use it. If she insists on getting stuff you've said you don't really need, well,it's her money. You don't have to use it.

And quit sharing your gifting plans with your mother in law if she likes to steal thunder, which it looks like she does. She's not going to alter her behavior, so you alter yours. If she asks, just say you haven't decided.

As for clothes, of course you will buy whatever you want. Trust me, if you ever think you have too many clothes, I promise you that you don't. Clothes are not something you will EVER have too many of. In the early months, it was not unheard of for me to change my child's nightgown 5 times in one night due to spit up or diaper leaks. And more clothes mean fewer trips to the laundry room. Why do laundry 3 times a week when you can get away with 1 0r 2? More is better. When you have a baby, you have too much work as it is, you don't need to keep running to the laundry.

I'm not against hand me downs, as long as they are safe. I don't understand why an expert says no used furniture, unless they are concerned about recalled or out of date stuff. Baby's don't tend to wear their stuff out. They outgrow it too fast to put any wear on it.

[chryso]

The only experts I can imagine saying not to use used furniture would be the ones who work at the furniture store.

[Kiwi]

ok I think we have a case of the over excited grandmother. as frustrating as it is, at least know its coming from a good intention (at least im hoping)... it could be worse, shes not interested at all....

however you need to adress this really quickly, actually you dont, your partner does. Have him sit her down and politely but FIRMLY tell her to back off, that as much as you appreciate her efforts, you feel shes being over eager and overbearing, and that she needs to back off a little (or alot)

another way you can do it, is accept all of the gifts shes brought, seperate out the stuff you will actually use" and donate the rest to a womans shelter or good will etc. Shed have to have alot of balls to get angry that you donated stuff to charity on behalf of the baby.....

the best way to deal with overbearing parents (and I know just how that feels) is to be straight with them, my mother spent years trying to plan my wedding... MY wedding until I told her that I would simply not get married if she didnt back off. It took a little while, but she did and now when the time comes I will give her one area to handle and thats it. Maybe if you said to mother in law "Instead of buying lots of things all over the place, if you could be in charge of crib sets, it would help me out alot"

just be firm with her, this is YOUR baby, not hers.

and also just because someone gives you something, doesnt mean you have to use it, if you dont want to confront her, let her go nuts, then gift her stuff onwards.

CONGRATS on the baby though!!!

[sportsmom]

The only experts I can imagine saying not to use used furniture would be the ones who work at the furniture store.

Actually, safety regulations have been changed so much over the years that they recommend new furniture because of the differences in them. It's everything from the types of latches on cribs to the space between the slats.

[Dips]

All excellent advice here. Another thing you could do is donate things which you can't use and can't return or exchange to charity. There are hundreds out there helping new parents and babies.

If you future MIL asks where X is, be honest. Tell her how nice is was the you got more of X than you needed and you felt it would be better to give it away to someone who needed it more than you did. What's she going to say to that? It's kind of hard to for her to argue that you shouldn't be charitable or that you should clutter up your home with 3 cribs when another new mom could use one of them.

Eventually you're going to be giving all the baby stuff away anyhow. So you just did it sooner with some stuff. ;)

ETA: Looks like Kiwi just beat me to posting the charity suggestion. ;)

[Ljt09863]

thanks everybody. this is all really great advice. RecoveringKinkoid, i haven't said a word about my plans for a baby shower. everything is her idea right now. she is going out and buying door prizes, and thinking of games to play and stuff, and you know, while i appreciate all the things she is doing, i want to do it myself too. i want to have fun going out and planning things for a baby shower. buying things for prizes, and planning games to play....i think it would be fun. but my main issue with it, is she doeswn't want my mother to have a role in it.


something i didn't mention earlier, was this woman wants to be the only mother here. she doesn't want my mom to have anything to do with our lives. there was a time, my mom lent us some money. she found out, and was saying why didn't we get the money from her? i said because my mother offered and we accepted. all she could say is,"so? why does that matter? im offering too!" i said," fiancees mother, youve done alot for us, and my mom hasn't yet"(because she hasn't had the chance, not because she does't want to. fiancees mother usually beats her to it)" and i figured because shes my mom, we'd let her." fiancees mom actually said,"it doesn't matter that shes your mother."

i kept saying, shes my mother. fiancees mother flat out said,"so? it doesn't matter." i was so pissed i just walked away. i guess fiancee noticed i was upset and talked to her. whenever i say anything about my mother, fiancees mother usualy ignores or interrupts to talk about something else. she has no respect for my mother, and that makes me lose respect for her. that is why i think she is buying all this stuff. she wants to be seen as a better person as my mother. and that why it is driving me nuts!!!! :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:


but i appreciate the advice. it does help.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, that sounds to me like the woman has some issues, and I can see why you feel the way you do. I'd have a hard time wanting to do having anything to do with someone who disrespected my parent, or any other family member to that extreme.

I wonder if she'd sing another tune if you refused to co-operate in any way with anything she's planning unless your mom was involved? Of course, that might cause more problems than it would solve. :(

[hawkchick11]

You really need to try to nip this kind of behavior now. My stepmom was the same way when I had my son, and after I had my son it got worse. Pretty much, she made me feel like a complete idiot and kept telling me I didn't know what I was doing. She kept saying how I should do things a certain way, because thats how she did it for her boys, blah blah blah. It got to the point where we had a screaming match because I finally had enough and blew up at her. Granted, she's fine with everything now, but I wish it hadn't came to that.

Just try to reason with her and tell her that there are other people that are going to be in the baby's life too, not just her. And do it asap.

Good Luck!