Manners question

[One-Fang]

Cow-irkers and I were having a conversation the other day on wedding gifts. They say it's a modern world, they don't want 15 platters, don't have a need for 4 identical towel sets, and have been living together for a while so have every homeware item they really need, so it's perfectly fine to ask for money or gift vouchers to a particular store instead.

I say it's never okay to ask for money as a wedding gift. Ever. In any circumstance. It's just plain rude.

You want to 'help' them get you what you actually want as opposed to letting them choose something? Register. Provide a list of suggestions. If you don't want 15 platters, you can always opt for "no gifts please".

I just can't accept that there is any possible way it's okay to ask for money as a wedding gift. Even if, say, the couple are saving for a first home and the money would be really useful. It's not the wedding guests' responsibility to pay for that first home. I think they'd still need some homewares stuff, or should ask for no gifts at all.

What do you all think? Is it okay in some situations (what ones?) to ask for money as a wedding gift?

[draftermatt]

my wife and I did. We had lived together for 2 years, and told people that we didn't need anything for the house.

Almost everyone gave us money.

[JuniorMintz]

I had no money tree, no money dance, and registered for all sorts of useful and reasonably priced stuff from Target because neither of us had lived on our own before moving in together after the wedding.

A few people still wrote checks, which was really nice of them, but at the end of the day we came out with a few hundred bucks and a ton of useful stuff for our house. That, and a couple of gift cards to Target which we spent on stuff that remained on our registry.

People who are going to write a check are going to do it whether or not you ask for money, so I think it's kind of pointless in the end to ask for it.

Besides, it's not like you can't return any gifts you end up not wanting, you know? If you're slick, the person who bought it for you will never find out anyway. :)

(Plus... I think it's tacky, too. That might make me unpopular, but I have to be honest!)

[Slave to the Phone]

I say it's never okay to ask for money as a wedding gift. Ever. In any circumstance. It's just plain rude.

I agree, asking for money is unbelievably tacky. That being said, I often give money for weddings, showers, etc. Unless I'm asked for money, then I send my regrets and do not attend. (its been my experience that when the invitation specifically asks for money, the entire affair will be nothing but a money grab)

[thesocalledrudegirl]

It all depends on the culture the wedding couple comes from. In many cultures, like my husband's, it is expected to give money. His family doesn't even understand what a registry is. I've even heard them make remarks that gift giving at weddings is tackier, because it can be too inexpensive or too expensive--again it's a cultural thing. Personally, I don't see an issue with it either way. I don't always have time to shop or hunt through a registry to find a gift I can afford, so I usually give a gift card or cash. It's a lot easier and no wrapping is necessary.

We didn't really have a big wedding. We got a few gift cards and some cash. We didn't need all that much household stuff because I had been collecting it during my teen years for when I moved out or got married. I was moving on the other side of the country anyway (my husband was already living out here), so I didn't need a bunch of extra things to ship out here. So I did ask for gift cards or cash at my bridal shower rather than gifts. We had a small reception with just my family and some close friends because we went to Vegas (his family couldn't make the trip) and again, we asked for gift cards or cash because we didn't want to ship a bunch of extra stuff. The gift cards and cash got used for the things we didn't have that we needed or wanted.

[Rapscallion]

The Evil Aunt (tm) loooked after things for Snobby Cousin's (tm) wedding, and sent out a note with the invitations to say that the happy couple had everything they needed, so money would be good so they could buy some antique furniture.

My mother took one look at this and gave them some towels. I took one look and considered sending a splinter in a display box and marking it up as "A genuine, hand-made fragment of the true cross".

The only reason I didn't is that I forgot. Those two strip-mined my grandmother's house while her body was still cooling.

Rapscallion

[Der Cute]

From what I understand:

money is not to be asked for at all in invitations or notes from the couple at all.
Money MIGHT be hinted by the person coordinating the wedding, when a person approaches them asking for gift hints.

I do know that our culture has changed since the rules were written, as people don't get married directly after moving out of parent's homes. Nowadays, people /adults live alone longer and co-habitate and build homes together.

So we've changed, but the rules haven't. Isn't that the normal? :P

If/ when I get married, I will NOT ask for money, cash or any kind of finance. I will create nice registrys in decent places...

I've read a lot about the manners allowed for weddings...I really like the www.etiquettehell.com page. I laugh my sides off when the owner posts new stories.

I think if you read that site you'll understand this better.

Cutenoob

[draftermatt]

From what I understand:
money is not to be asked for at all in invitations or notes from the couple at all.
Money MIGHT be hinted by the person coordinating the wedding, when a person approaches them asking for gift hints.


Thank-you. I guess I should clarify. We didn't come out and ask for money. Our parents and grandparents knew that was all we really needed, so when people called them they said "Well they already live together so they don't need anything" and that led to money. I felt odd telling people money, and I didn't. My boss had a very hard time with that.

In the end we came out with almost $3000 that went to the honeymoon, and paying off her truck.

[sportsmom]

You should never ask for money as a wedding gift. However, if someone was to ask about what the couple needs, it would not be out of line for a parent/sibling/other to let guests know that the couple do not need anything for the home.

BTW, it is also improper to add registry cards to wedding or shower invitations. Just because the stores give them to you, doesn't mean you have to use them. ;)

[Becks]

I took one look and considered sending a splinter in a display box and marking it up as "A genuine, hand-made fragment of the true cross".

The only reason I didn't is that I forgot. Those two strip-mined my grandmother's house while her body was still cooling.

Rapscallion


Too bad my own Snobby Cousin™ is already married, because I'd try the same idea. :angel:

Strip-mining Grandma's house also sounds like something she might do when the time comes. I mean, she did the same thing when she was in college.

[Dr Yorick]

My wife and I usually give a universal gift of cash. One size fits all and everyone loves the green stamps.

On a side note, I once told one of my employees who was getting married that I was going to get him a gift that kept on giving......a pregnant rabbit!:lol:

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I don't think you can ask for money without being seen as tacky, but I don't think you would be out of line to have a "money tree" at the reception.

In my culture, brides actually carry an open-topped or otherwise easy-to-open purse that matches her dress. While mingling at the reception and dancing, guests discretely stick money into the bag. They don't mention it and neither does the bride.

I believe some cultures (Pole, I think) pin cash to the bride's gown.

Some guest prefer to give cash. But I don't think you can come out and ask. Are you of a culture that has a tradition like the examples I used? If so, you are golden. If not, I think most folks know about money trees. :)

[BusBus]

On a side note, I once told one of my employees who was getting married that I was going to get him a gift that kept on giving......a pregnant rabbit!:lol:

:spew:

Anyways, back to the OP....from the perspective of someone who follows typical north american protocols for events like weddings, I also agree that asking for money is tacky. Set up a registry at some stores or leave it up to the guest what they want to give you (if anything). If they want to give you money, great. If they want to give you something else, that's their discretion.


Here's a question for all of you (just out of curiosity, as a never-been-married-before gal...), how do you let your guests know where you're registered without being tacky?

[Kiwi]

A gift is a courtesy but it is not a requirement to attend a wedding. You dont have to give a gift, and people shouldnt tell their guests what to bring.

It is up to the guest to ASK and decide for themselves what they would want to give.

If a guest asks and the wedding couple is living together then these days most people will give money, but I think it is EXTREMELY ungrateful to sneer at a gift.

If I was ever given a wedding invatition like that, I would make a donation to a charity in the wedding couples name. They are getting cash.... thats what they asked for....:D

and Busbus, in answer to your question, when people rsvp they will usually ask where or if your registered with a store. You should wait for them to ask, you should not send out those tacky registry cards (re advertising for the store) in your invations)

[One-Fang]

Are you of a culture that has a tradition like the examples I used? If so, you are golden. If not, I think most folks know about money trees. :)

Nope, typical white middle class corporate/capitalist culture.

I don't know what a money tree or a money dance are. I somewhat think I don't *want* to know! ;)

Cutenoob had a good idea. I don't think it's too tacky for a representative to suggest money. This gets around the couple directly asking for it.

Down here we don't really do 'registering'. I guess some stores are probably offering it, but it's not something I've seen or heard of in practicality. On of my bridesmaids coordinated our gifts (more about making sure there weren't duplicates than giving people a list) and for hers she told me directly one thing they were after that I got for her.

[BunnyJas]

BTW, it is also improper to add registry cards to wedding or shower invitations.

It's rude to include those registry cards in the actual wedding invitation, but not shower invitations. After all, everyone knows the purpose of a wedding shower is to "shower" the couple with gifts. Where as for the actual wedding the purpose is to invite loved ones to witness and celebrate the joining of the happy couple.

It is very tacky and rude to request money on a wedding invitation. This makes the wedding look like a gimmie fest. If you prefer money for gifts, then hint this to family members and they will tell other guests that is what you want.

Here's a question for all of you (just out of curiosity, as a never-been-married-before gal...), how do you let your guests know where you're registered without being tacky?

Just like the money thing, you would tell family members where you are registered and they will tell other guests. Also if you have a shower the guests will find out then as well.