I'm right.....right? (long)

[thegiraffe]

I guess I'm looking for a little affirmation here that I'm doing the right thing.

I'm off at school right now. I go to school about 2 hours away from home, so I live here during the school year. This summer, I got...*ahem*...involved with someone. I knew I didn't want a relationship because I had JUST gotten out of a serious year-long relationship, yet I did the stupid thing and went ahead and got involved anyhow. We didn't have sex (v-card), but there were other...recreational activities. Long story short, I'm not proud of what I did, and I was home this past weekend, and he wanted to...recretionalize. I made up all kinds of exuses why I couldn't, etc, because I didn't want to. I don't like doing things that make me feel guilty, which this did.

Tonight, I was trying to explain to him (online) why I don't want to 'hook up' (as he calls it) anymore. I explained that I'm not comfortable with the friends with benefits thing (which is what it was), and if I can't look at myself in the mirror and still be proud of what I see, I shouldn't be doing that. If I have to convince myself that what I'm doing is OK, normal, etc...I shouldn't be doing it. Well, I did feel guilty and ashamed and all....I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it. He tried to attribute it to my sheltered childhood, saying that I like to be safe, and I'm not comfortable outside 'safe'. That's true, but it has nothing to do with this. I don't believe in intimacy that's not....intimate. I made a promise a long time ago to myself that I was going to keep it under wraps.

I guess some background info would be helpful so you know where I'm coming from (he's aware of this all btw). I was molested twice when I was 12 by an old guy. By old, I mean 90s. He touched me once, then the 2nd time, he whipped 'it' out and wanted me to touch it. I told him no and to put it back in his pants (which I believe to this day preserved my virginity). I was also molested by an older kid when I was 13 or 14, and then when I was 19, I woke up with one of my roommate's male friends in bed, wrapped around me (I sleep like a log and I'm used to things going bump in the night - I think I thought he was my body pillow and ignored it). Imagine my shock to find a hand between my legs and another one up my shirt when I woke up. That was an incredibly traumatizing event because it stimulated the memory of what happened before. Long story short, I made a promise to myself in middle school that I was going to protect what I have left - as far as innocence goes. Well, I've kind of broken that promise, and now I want to try to 'fix' it as much as possible....or at least discontinue the behaviors that are making me uncomfortable.

He tried for a bit to convince me to..recreationalize next time I'm home, but I stuck to my guns. I KNOW I'm right, I guess I just need some affirmation. He swears that it's not no-strings attached and it's attraction AND....'stress relief' (his words, not mine), but....he's not my boyfriend. He WON'T be my boyfriend (we're way too different). Therefore, I have no reason to be intimate with him.

Thoughts?

(and what happened when I was 12, 14, and 19 - I've come to terms with it. It doesn't define me, yet it's a part of me. My philosophy is how can I know where I want to go if I forget where I came from? Yes, it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but it made me into the person I am today, and for that I'm grateful).

[Seanette]

Sounds to me like he isn't interested in *you*, just your body, which IMO is a big red flag that he doesn't deserve your time, much less the fringe benefits he's pressuring you on. This is not someone who has shown any concern for your needs or feelings, and he comes across from your description as rather selfish, bordering on bullying you to get what he wants. About this specific guy: :runaway: would be my advice.

As for physical intimacy in general (and I'm a molestation survivor myself): absolutely do NOT do anything you're not comfortable with! It's YOUR decision what access you grant another person to YOUR body! Physical intimacy is *supposed* to be special and emotionally meaningful, not just a casual thing (my own religious beliefs hold that sexual activity should be reserved for marriage, but I'm aware it's unlikely you share said beliefs, so I'm not condemning you in any way).

I'm totally on your side here. You are absolutely right about the situation, and I would really hate to see you let yourself be pressured into violating your conscience. As you pointed out, you need to look at yourself in a mirror, and yes, you *should* be at least reasonably pleased by who you see there!

[draftermatt]

I say good for you. As a male I am often disgusted by my races behavior. (My own too at times, but I got over most of that when I was 15 and now I'm married so its only with my wife).

Just tell him flat out that no matter what he says your'e not giving in. He can go to clubs and the like if all he wants is a piece of ass. There are plenty of women out there looking for just that.

If he continues to pressure you, just cut off all ties. Or befriend a big burly guy to act as your boyfriend when he's around.

[Greenday]

Good for you for stick by your guns. I was never a fan of the random hook-up crap. I'm currently in my freshman year of college so there is plenty of it going around. I made a lot of friends with the girls on my side of the floor. They would be telling me stuff about how they just wanted boyfriends that were nice guys that wouldn't hurt them, how they were sick of jerks hurting them, etc. I liked hearing that, I enjoyed hanging out with them. Then they started going out, getting drunk, and getting with random guys. They'd start telling me about how they just want to get laid, about how hard it was to get laid, and since they are girls and they are saying this to me, a guy, I get seriously offended. And they wonder why all of a sudden I don't hang out with them that much now. Maybe some people may think it's mean, but I don't feel any sympathy for them when they tell me some guy that they hooked up with the night they met the guy hasn't called them back. Why should they expect anything different? They are going after guys that are just looking at them like pieces of meat. That's what they are going to get.

[thegiraffe]

Thanks guys :)

We didn't have sex - we're both virgins, actually. It was more fooling around (that I'm still not proud of/comfortable with). I think he'll be ok eventually with hanging out as PLATONIC friends, versus.....whatever we were. He'll get over it. And if he doesn't, ties can easily be cut.

[BunnyJas]

You did the absolute right thing. The "friends with benifits" crap never is a good idea. As mentioned before, if he really respects and cares about you he would be willing to wait.

I've been down this road before. I was dating a guy and then we decided we just wanted to be friends. However, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He convinced me that it was okay to still fool around and date other girls. At first I was okay with it (I had a very low self-esteem at the time), but then I started having feelings for him again. I began to feel used and worthless because he obviously didn't feel the same way. Whenever I talked to him about how the intimacy was making me feel, he'd brush it off (actually using some of the same lines this guy is telling you) and say that the more we fooled around the more he "felt" for me, which was a lie. Not too much later, he wanted to take it a step further and actually have sex. We were also both virgins. I had never had sex with anyone and I knew I sure didn't want him to be my first since there was no real love in the relationship. He tried to use the same lines at first to convince me and then he just started calling me horrible names cause I wouldn't do it with him. I left him after that, still feeling dirty because of the initmacy, but felt good that I was away from him and didn't completely lose my self-respect by having sex with him.

Be smarter than I was and get away from this loser. If he knows how uncomfortable the initamcy makes you, but he still tries to convince you otherwise then he doesn't care about you or your feelings. He just wants a piece of ass.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I hope that old guy and the older kid went away for a LONG time. Child molestors make me sick :pissed:

Anyhow, if you don't want to get intimate with this guy, keep telling him so. Say you don't like him that way. If he's a decent guy and not a sleaze, he'll understand.

[Der Cute]

Once you say no, it means no, and the other person should back off.

Now, if you've told FWBGuy no, I think you should also clairify it with him. (some men are kinda dense :) ).
Tell him exactly how you feel. You enjoyed it, and decided that it was enough for you. No more, thank you FWBGuy.

Personally, I'd cut it off with FWB. You realized you made a mistake, and want to change your behaviour...so change surroundings. That helps.

And.....Orders from me, the Cutebossy..

GO GET PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING FOR THE HISTORY. NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.
And report Bastard #1 and #2. I dont care how long its been, REPORT THEM!!
You may not be able to charge them, but the police w/ some information may be able to stop them from continuing that evilness.

I think you're doing the right thing...listening to gut. Gut is smart :) and it's 99.99999% right.

I'm glad you asked us for help, but remember: we arent pros...and if you're wanting this little help, you prolly want bigger, better help. Go for the counseling, please.


Cutenoob

[thegiraffe]

There's a 99.999% chance Bastard #1 dead. That was 10 years ago, he was in an assisted living home THEN, and he was like 95+. Bastard #2 (older kid)...i've kinda repressed that. I can't tell you for sure if it was one of two or three guys who had tried stuff (only one who partially got somewhere). There's a 7-year statute of limitations, and that's way far gone.

As far as professional counseling goes, I tried that kinda. I'll have a psych degree in December - I'm familiar with how it all works. Everything they could do, I've done. I'm alright with it and all, i just brought it up to show that I'm a 'special case' - if that makes sense. Seanette understands, I'm sure. You never really 'get over' it, unfortunately.

Thanks guys for your help, and cute...I promise that if it becomes an issue, I'll get help for it. Promise.

[One-Fang]

You know that you're doing the right thing.

Playing around, having 'friends with benefits' is okay - if that's what both people want to do. It's not 'wrong'. But it is wrong to do something you're not comfortable with just to make the other person happy.

YOU are the owner of your body. YOU decide what happens to it, when, and with whom. If you want to muck about with some guy, go for it, but if you don't, then don't.

Someone who loves you will be glad you waited for him. :)

[Seanette]

As far as professional counseling goes, I tried that kinda. I'll have a psych degree in December - I'm familiar with how it all works. Everything they could do, I've done. I'm alright with it and all, i just brought it up to show that I'm a 'special case' - if that makes sense. Seanette understands, I'm sure. You never really 'get over' it, unfortunately.

Thanks guys for your help, and cute...I promise that if it becomes an issue, I'll get help for it. Promise.
Unfortunately, I understand that very well. One problem that I picked up on from your original that I've also dealt with is not being clear that it is absolutely YOUR right to set the boundaries for what's done to your body. Please feel free to PM me any time. Cute IS right, I think.

Now, about Mr. Pushy, address for pineapple delivery? :devil:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

HEY! Did somebody say pineapples? :D

[Ringman]

salted and frozen Irving. lol ;)

[thegiraffe]

Uhm...can someone explain 'pineapples' to me?

I've seen them show up around the site within the past few months, and I can't for the life of me figure out what it means.
Thanks.

And Seanette - Yeah, that's an issue that I've struggled a lot with too. I've recently (within the past year and a half or so) gotten real fond of the word 'no'. I feel powerful when I use it haha. And...perhaps Cute is right, but I don't feel a need for that just yet. If it does arise however, I WILL go - I promise.

[Ringman]

Uhm...can someone explain 'pineapples' to me?

I've seen them show up around the site within the past few months, and I can't for the life of me figure out what it means.
Thanks.



The Sphinx Pineapple Company specializes in the art of shoving frozen pineapples up foregin body cavitys. hmm mabye this thread can help a little

http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=2876

your welcome to join the club if youd like :lol:

(Disclamier: The sphinx Pineapple Co. Is purely fun and the members of this site and S.P.C have promised the mods and Raps that we would never go about actually shoving things in ceartin areas of the body even though people may deserve it.)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

And remember...free pineapple with enrollment!