feeling miserable

[DesignFox]

So, as most of you know my boyfriend of over four years broke up with me around the beginning of the month. I really thought he was the one, and I guess all things considered I'm taking it pretty well...

But I'm just so damn lonely. I'm lucky in that my family is wonderful- my dad gave me back my room with no hesitation. He helped me move and my faux-mommy has been really supportive.

I'm lucky to have the very few friends I have that were MINE, and not connected to my ex...although, I guess that's part of what makes me sad is that he was so selfish as to never have met any of them (these are my horsie friends- my trainer, and another girl who rides and has her horses at the farm, and of course the kids and their parents.) He never once came to watch me ride in all the time we were together.

I'm lucky that the job I had was with a boss willing to move me to another store location within days. So, I haven't lost my job, I don't have to commute far, AND I didn't have to take a pay reduction or anything silly.

My riding is going really well- at least the show season is keeping me massively busy...to the point that I wonder how well I would be doing if I HADN'T moved back to my parent's house (it's closer to the farm).

But I'm bored at night. I'm lonely. I miss being held at night. I miss being intimate. I miss being hugged when I get home from work. I miss the man that used to be such a good friend to me.

I don't know for certain, although I have my suspicions of what caused the changes. But it just depresses me to no end. What happened to the person that used to talk to me and ease my troubles way into the wee hours of the morning? What happened to the person that encouraged me to ride and do well? What happened to being loving and affectionate and giving? What happened to the person that used to meet me after work...surprise me...leave me notes...do nice things for me- not big things- just nice things...

When did I become so much crap on the bottom of his shoes? 'cause that's what the last month felt like. I've never known what it was to feel "outclassed" before recently.

NOW I think I know what that means. And I feel awful.

I don't know why I even care. If the person I care about can't even give up an afternoon to cheer me on at an important horseshow, is that really the kind of person I should be missing???

:cry: I just hate it. I miss the person he used to be. I miss my friend, not just him as a boyfriend. And I do miss the people that I was friends with through him- I don't even know how to approach them- I want to call them- but...I feel awkward.

I'm so sad. and it comes and goes.

I don't know what to do. I wanted to be settled and married by now. And now...time just keeps passing. I used to joke that I would be hobbling down the aisle in a damn walker at 95 years of age, but now I'm scared that that might be my reality. I wanted to be a pretty bride and have a nice wedding...

and now I don't even know where to meet someone, let alone someone who I can spend the rest of my life with.

I don't even know if I want someone else...at least, I feel like I'm carrying too much baggage at the moment.

I feel all brave during the day, but I just keep feeling like crap off and on.

I just had to get that out...I don't know if anyone here as advice to make it better. :cry:

I'm back to having nightmares again, which I haven't had since college... and that's awful, too. He used to make all the nightmares go away...and now he's the direct cause of most of them... :cry:

[blas]

I don't really know if I have anything to say to make you feel better, but I know the feeling. And I know it all too well.

If it makes you feel better, you are not alone. Even though right now I am the one about to do the bad deed and be the dumpER, I feel like shit. And I feel like a piece of me is gone. And all I've felt lately is resentment, anger, hurt, and pain.

But that's a different story. Just know that there are other people hurting just as bad as you right now. If we all stick together, we can find a solution.

[DesignFox]

Oh yes, I've been in that position before, too. It sucked, too...

I read your post Blas, I really didn't know what to say. :( :hug:

[portia911]

You pretty much just described my ex BF's behaviour to a T. He was a selfish bastard too. It totally sucks at first but looking back I'm so pleased he's not in my life anymore.

[blas]

I totally understand what you mean, DesignFox......

It's so hard when you KNOW that this type of person isn't for you and you are better off without them....I mean you KNOW it...but you can't accept it. It hurts to accept it. You don't WANT to let go, you don't want to face reality.

It all sucks so much.

GROUP HUG!!!

[iradney]

Hey DF

You're missing him now, yes. But as time goes by, you'll realise that you're far too good for the likes of him. I've been in your situation (granted, we were only together 2.5 years, but still), and it hurts like hell in the beginning. But one day you'll wake up and realise you haven't missed him or thought of him for a couple days.

*HUGS*

[Eireann]

That's what really sucks about a relationship ending. You find out all kinds of things about the other person that you really didn't want to know, and for some reason, it makes you feel as though your worth as a person has just lowered as a result, when it's the other person who has just shown his/her lack of worth. We think of all the good times we had, and ignore the bad or indifferent times. We romanticize the past and try to convince ourselves it wasn't all that bad.

I don't know what's so important about getting married. There are plenty of married people out there who have married the wrong person. Plenty of unmarried couples aren't happy together. And plenty of single people are happy being single. The important thing is not to pin your happiness on your marital status. If you're not happy being single, you sure as hell won't be happy with another person, because you (I'm speaking in the general sense here, not to anyone in particular) try to make that person into everything you think you need. It doesn't work.

And please stop torturing yourself over "what happened to..." It'll only make you hurt all the more.

Please believe me that there's more to life than being a pretty bride and having a nice wedding. The way you phrase it, it sounds like you're more interested in being a pretty bride and having a nice wedding than you are in the lifetime of commitment that comes afterwards. The wedding is just one day; you'll wear the dress one time and then put it in storage; the marriage is for a lifetime, or at least, that is what is intended on the wedding day. That's what is important.

[DesignFox]

Thanks guys.

yea Eireann, it does sound pretty silly when you put it that way. That isn't really what I intended.

But I did expect to have that special person, and I guess it was kind of tough watching each of my friends and each of my ex's family getting married one by one...
It kinda made me feel like, "what's wrong with me?" "what's wrong with US that we can't make this commitment?"

Well, I guess I found out! I wanted to be a partner- he just wouldn't let me; although he says that's why he couldn't see marrying me- because I'm not a partner. Well, it's hard to be a partner to someone who insists on not trusting you to DO anything...or constantly tells you what you've done wasn't enough. Or that once you've finally figured out what it is the person wants you to do (because they don't communicate their desires with you) they tell you it's too late. OR you try to do whatever it is- say clean the house- and the other person goes ahead and messes it up within a day- and when you make a fuss about "I just tidied that" he tells you its "HIS" house he can do whatever he wants (even though I PAID to stay there, too!). (for example) When I brought that up I was then told I should have argued with him... *throws hands up in the air* :(

Iradney- You're probably right. I have started some of those feelings already. It's more coming home from doing whatever...and coming home to an empty...well I cant't say house, cause my family is here, but I think you know what I mean.

Portia, I hope I'll feel happy, too. It really isn't a fair situation to be sacrificing...and doing...and trying...only for the other person not to. He used to. But then it just stopped. And that isn't right.

He really isn't a BAD person, I don't like to make him out to be a villain. He was my best friend before he became my boyfriend. But...he's just gotten so selfish. He's so focused on his "pot of gold" and his new job...it's like...I don't know. I'm glad he's ambitious, and he deserves to do well in his career (he's damn good at what he does).

But what the hell? I supported him before he got this far. I was his best friend, and sometimes only good friend before he even started working! I guess I'm kind of insulted at being trampled on and having that success thrown in my face...kinda like I just got left in the dust. I guess that's fine... but...it still hurts.

The only thing I ever wanted was a little support for what I was doing. And that was impossible I guess because he was afraid it would slow him down...because I don't make a lot of money and what little I have goes towards riding...and riding to him isn't an ambition- no matter how many awards I've brought home this season...or how good I really want to get at it...

It's the only thing I can figure on.

I guess it is better this way....but..it just sucks.

I just hope I find someone who can accept my "simple" little life, and will be happy to hang around with a girl who "is 12 and just wants to ride her pony."

*sigh*

[Kiwi]

He never once came to watch me ride in all the time we were together.

In that statement alone you just turned the tide honey

You got away, and thats a wonderful thing even if it doesnt feel that way now. An unsupportive partner is the worst thing someone could ever have, much much worse than being alone.

Let yourself mourn the relationship, its important that you give yourself time and dont go out with ANYONE romantically until your more than ready or you will set yourself up for rebound after rebound.

Good luck, take heart that you got away. It wasnt meant to be.

[DesignFox]

Thanks, Kiwi.

I hope it feels better soon. The more I think about that one sentence, the more I realize he just wasn't as right as I thought he was... I've been riding since before we were dating- the fact that I love horses was not just something that popped up all of a sudden. The only thing that changed with me was that I was finally in a position to compete and take it more seriously. But from day one he knew that is what I wanted to do!

[portia911]

I sounds to me like you have a lot to be proud of with what you have achived and have a really strong sense of what makes you happy. Your riding is obviously really important to you and you've made sacrafices to be able to give it a priority in your life. A big two thumbs up to you!

[AdminAssistant]

And, not to detract or act childish or anything but...horsies are much prettier and more reliable than boythings.

If I ever got to spend a decent amount of time at home, I'd ask BIL to take me riding (Big Sis and him have 3 horses).

[Megg]

It's more coming home from doing whatever...and coming home to an empty...well I can't say house, cause my family is here, but I think you know what I mean.

The problem lies in coming home to an empty bed. Do NOT be stupid like I have been so many times in the past and let your hormones convince you that you need him. You need someone who will care as much about you as you do him. Stay strong. This, too, shall pass.

*virtual hugs*

[blas]

And you know what else? I think with you riding more, you will eventually start to feel like your old self again, even without him. Finding something you truly enjoy, are passionate about, or good at, can bring confidence back.

Don't ride or find new hobbies just because of the breakup, though. I have done things like that before. Do things for yourself. Although the main point is to distract yourself and revive things you stopped doing as much when you were in a relationship....just remember that this is for you. Not for him.

And as corny and cliche as this sounds (because trust me, I tend to be a pessimist and cynical) it really is true that time heals wounds. Every passing day, things will get easier. Enjoy small good things that happen to you, even if it's something like it being a sunny nice day or finding something nice you forgot you had while cleaning. I really cling on to stuff like that, and it really helps me deal with hard times. Heck, even sillier stuff than that I enjoy. Like finding little Starbucks frappuccinos for $1.99 instead of regular $2.29 price.

[DesignFox]

It sounds to me like you have a lot to be proud of with what you have achieved and have a really strong sense of what makes you happy.... A big two thumbs up to you!

Thank you, it feels good to hear that from someone other than my parents. :lol: Not that they don't mean the world to me, but you know... :o

...horsies are much prettier and more reliable than boythings.


This is why I never give it up, even though some people in my life have thought that I should... For as long as I've known the joy of their company, horses have comforted me through the tough times of my life. I can't give up being with them, it's a part of me, and I can be a really anxious person- riding- and especially when I have a successful ride brings me a lot of confidence. (not always meaning that I win- somedays I've ridden damn well and not brought home anything).

The problem lies in coming home to an empty bed.... You need someone who will care as much about you as you do him. Stay strong. This, too, shall pass.

*virtual hugs*

Thanks Megg. :o It's not just the hormones...although...yea I know what you mean! A big part of it is me being used to his presence. We cuddled all night. Always touching somehow. I'm literally not used to being alone in bed, yet. Although, I moved out of his house as quickly as I did because it was worse being in the same bed with him, and being ignored (the night we broke up and the night after). :cry:

And you know what else? I think with you riding more, you will eventually start to feel like your old self again, even without him. Finding something you truly enjoy, are passionate about, or good at, can bring confidence back.

....just remember that this is for you. Not for him...

Enjoy small good things that happen to you...

I do try...and I appreciate that advice, because you're right. It seems that I am noticing little good things that tended to get brushed over before.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Having your support is helping me a lot. I tend to have to talk things through to death before I can make my brain accept them. I'm still having moments. I'm sure I will still have moments. But the past two days have been easier just having some extra support.

[DesignFox]

:cry: So I was about to go to bed tonight and I see a message on my AIM from him asking if I can give him his Christmas ornaments back...

I'm not ready to see him, yet...so I had been putting off actually sorting them out...I have to do that, then meet him and do an exchange (I left a couple things at his house accidentally).

:cry: I'm so not ready...even though I'd really like my things...