I need relationship advice...

[prb]

Alright, I know a girl. She's asked me out three times, I've refused each time because there's a three year age difference. I'm 18 and she's 15.

Now, I've asked people, and have received responses of:
1) Well, be careful with what you do if you say yes (From a 17 year old)
2) Three years isn't much (from a 20 year old)
3) There's nothing wrong with it (my mom, 52 year old)
4) The age difference is too much (her mom, well, I didn't ask her, but her sister told her mom that we're dating [we weren't] and her mom said that she doesn't think so, because of the age difference, keep in mind that she had this girl when she was 18 and the "Father" was 35 at the time, so she probably wants to protect her and I understand why)
5) "Ew, thats disgusting" (from another 18 year old)

Legally:
Age of consent is 14, so anything is legal, not that I'd want to do anything sexually at least for another year or two given her age.

So, CS, what do you think of this? Her previous boyfriend was 17 and a half and her mom didn't mind. I'm really confused by what to do. I could see 16-and-19 maybe, 17-and-20 is "okay", but I'm just not sure about 15-and-18. Personally, I don't think so, but this thread is to ask your opinion, not mine.

Thanks!

[SteeleDragon78]

i have to agree with person number 1 there, while 3 years isnt much, (that was the age difference between me and the ex) there is allot of potential damage you could do to her, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. now im not saying that you are someone who would cause the damage, just that the potential is there.

if you like her, date her, if not dont date her.

[Evil Queen]

Ah, yes, well, from the area of Hickville (my hometown) at the ripe OLD age of 14, she's a spinster and not worth your time.

However, by my standpoint; WTF, are you nutters?! I don't care what the law is, that child is jailbait until she turns 18! Then you can go out with her!

This is also speaking from a person who's personal age limit (when it comes to dating) is three years.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I think age difference really depends on the actual ages involved. If you are both adults, no, 3 years really doesn't matter (I dated a guy 3 years younger for a year; my last Ex is 11 years older and we were together for 2 years; I was 26 and 27, respectively, when those relationships started). There is a much bigger "difference" between 15 -18 and, say 20 -23. Most people go through a lot of growing up between the mid to late teens.

That said, you are really the only one who can say if you are interested in this girl and if she is someone you want to date. If she were below the age of consent, I would definitely say don't do it, but since she's not, it's really between the two of you. And perhaps her parents; if they have a problem with it, perhaps the best thing is to not get involved romantically (you can still be friends; if in a year or two something else develops, then ...).

I do have a lot of respect for you saying that you wouldn't want to get into a physical relationship at her age. Proof that not all guys just want sex.

[kibbles]

I don't see any problem. If you both genuinely like each other, there are no chances for problems legally then I see no problem whatsoever. JMO of course.

[AdminAssistant]

However, by my standpoint; WTF, are you nutters?! I don't care what the law is, that child is jailbait until she turns 18! Then you can go out with her!

Seconded.

Granted, I dated a 21 year old when I was 16. er. Yeah, Mom and Dad were thrilled. It lasted all of a month - the age difference, the different friends, the different ideas about dating...yeah.

Anyway, unless you are head over heels for this girl, I'd stay away. There's too much that can go wrong.

[Eric the Grey]

So, CS, what do you think of this? Her previous boyfriend was 17 and a half and her mom didn't mind. I'm really confused by what to do. I could see 16-and-19 maybe, 17-and-20 is "okay", but I'm just not sure about 15-and-18. Personally, I don't think so, but this thread is to ask your opinion, not mine.

Thanks!

Personally, I think that 15 is too young to be having sex, but as far as dating goes, the age thing is in this case a non-issue. You're both fairly young, and it sounds as though you're man enough to take things slowly until she's gotten a few years behind her and can make an informed decision as to whether to have sex or not. Can you keep that commitment (no sex) for a year? Two? Three?

IF you like her and you feel you can keep it in your pants, then take her out, BUT be honest with her about how you intend to precede (ie: no sex for a while...). There is no reason why the two of you cannot date, IMO, so long as you don't get intimate before she's ready for it, even if she thinks she is.

Realize that she may well be attracted to "older boys" and is drawn to you for just that reason, meaning she's looking for something she may not be ready for yet and if you don't sleep with her, it won't last. This may put some pressure on you to do more than you or she is really ready for. Again, there is nothing wrong with NOT having sex when you're dating someone, but too many people think differently and feel it's not a real relationship without it.

However, if the two of you can enjoy each others company without sleeping together for a few years, it may turn out that she's the best thing that will ever happen to you.


:cool: Eric the Grey

[Ronald]

I believe that you will always enjoy your life more if you are with someone that is the same age as you since the both of you will have more in common. So: as a old fart (grandpa in early 50's) I do not think it is appropriate for you to go out with a 15 year old.

Times and community standards do change. People my age seem to forget that our fathers returned from the war (# 2) in their early 20's and had no issues bringing home war brides or finding brides here at home that were 14-17 years of age. My father was 8 years older than my mother. (he was 24) My uncle was 10 years older than the girl he married. My wife's father was 21 and her mother was 16. The difference here is that they really were looking for a permanent partner. Are you?

Though sex is an important part of relationships this has nothing to do with the desire for sex. It has everything to do with toying with ones affections, something you as a young man should not be doing to a girl that young, who will be having other expectations from you. You seem to be a young guy that has a good head on his shoulders and has a bit of a conscience to boot. Nice to see that you are considering the effects of this shall we say liaison. Sorry for being blunt, but it would be quite disingenuous on my part to say otherwise.

[Crazeyal]

"Girls mature faster than boys" it's been bleated at me ever since I was too young to understand the CONCEPT of growing up. Simply put, an 18 year old male has enough life experience to have a (semi) serious relationship. You are still learning, but you are primarily done growing. A 15 year old girl is not ready for a serious relationship. Whether you just want to "hang out" "Be friends" or (forgive) Be F### buddies, she isn't ready to handle the situations and possibilities a relationship with an 18 year old can entail.

She might have unusual maturity, the girl might have had to grow up early. But nothing you've said tells me that she's anything other than a 15 year old girl. She's probably still in puberty, and THAT makes understanding her reasoning/behavior pretty damn dicey.

It's great to have someone interested in you. Even better if that person is easy on the eyes. But you are obviously aware this is wrong. She is too young for you. You can point to one instance of a younger relationship working and I can point to the THOUSANDS of unwed teen mothers who wished they hadn't even dated. Even if you don't want sex (you do.. yah SHADDAP you do..) the relationship just isn't healthy for her. It's easy to say, but give her a few years to actually grow up. It sucks... but it's the right thing to do.

[blas]

I prolly sound like a hypocrite....when I was 15 I dated lots of guys who were 17, 18, 19, etc....I could have gotten those guys in a lot of trouble if anything bad would have happened.

I think it's a little risky, maybe wait until she's at least 16 or 17 or find a girl more in your age group.

[Shards]

An age gap is something that you, and only you, can decide on. I have a friend who's parents are 10 years apart, with the male being the younger one, and they're very happy to this day.

I've got another friend who gets creeped out if a girl six months apart from him is interested.

It's all your personal decision, don't let us make it for you. If you're looking to us for an excuse to say yes, then that's you deciding you feel bad about it, but you still are OK with it and like the idea, in which case go ahead, you have my blessing. If you're coming to us for more backup for your reasons the next time she asks, then that's you saying 'no, it's too much for me.' In that case, follow that instinct as well.

[Greenday]

When I was 18, I dated a girl who was 15. It was a lot of fun, but eh. At 15, people aren't that mature, and since I was always a little more mature for my age, it was too much. She was nice, but the maturity level just killed it.

[Shards]

When I was 16, I dated a 14 year old who had a maturity level I was just forced to reach when my relationship with my current SO (no details here, I've shared them in enough threads already.) started going downhill. I'm 18, and I consider this threshold a significant leap, and I've always been told I am very mature for my age (as it's hard to judge oneself fairly, I cannot comment.)

About six months ago, one of my guy friends (I'm male, thanks.) was dating a girl his own age, and they broke up because she 'always acted like she was 10 years old.' he's 19.

Maturity can come at any time in this stage of life, and it's an individual thing. Again, if you feel OK with it, and feel she's ready for it, that's your call. If you feel either of those criteria are not met, then that is also your call.

[Fenrus]

IMHO, 15's too young to be really dating, because there's going to be a significant change in maturity coming soon, and you don't wanna be caught in the middle of that...

Be friends, be buddies, be whatever... but I'd say wait for her to mature, unless you want to be feeling like she's "always acting like a kid" or have her saying you're "too serious"

ETA - My post seems a little harsh, so I'm gonna say this -- If you feel she'll be good for you, then by all means, go for her. You'd know best how YOU feel.

[Jester]

I see a lot of people here saying that this girl is or is not mature enough for this, but no one here can say if she is or isn't, as no one here knows her. There are 15 year olds that are more mature than 40 year olds, and 15 year olds that are, well, 15....or younger. Also remember that the OP is only 18 himself, and no offense to him, but typically speaking, an 18 year old boy is generally not any more mature than a 15 year old girl, speaking in generalities, of course--since maturity with them varies just as much individually as it does with 15 year old girls.

Which brings us back to prb and his female friend. What to do, what to do? Interesting question. I should point out that when I was 19, I briefly dated a 16 year old. Well, technically, she was just shy of her 16th birthday so she was technically 15, and I had just turned 19. I still have fond memories of Sandra and that summer, and I am glad I didn't overthink the situation or avoid it because "she was too young." Frankly, she was the aggressor in the situation, as prb's girl seems to be, and was definitely the more mature of the two of us. But that was Jester and Sandra. What was right for us might not be right for prb and his girl. I am not going to sit here and say it is or is not right, as (I can't repeat this enough), I do not know prb or his girl.

So prb, you have to ask yourself some questions. Luckily, none of them are legal questions....from what you say, there are no legal barriers to a relationship with this girl. I know, I know....several of the CSers are out there yelling "JAILBAIT!!!" Well, yes and no. Many states have "Romeo and Juliet" laws, wherein even if one of the parties in a relationship is under 18, if they are within a certain age range of the other party, it is all good. For example, the window for such relationships in my home state of Arizona is 4 years, so in Arizona, you would not face any legal issues, prb. I am going to assume your interpretation of your local laws is correct, but you might want to double check for your own sake.

But before you even worry about legalities, my friend, you have to ask yourself the most important question of all. To wit: do you actually want to date this girl? Are you interested in her romantically? If not, all other questions are moot. I mean, do you feel pressured to say yes to her because she keeps asking and you want to make her happy because she's a friend, or do you honestly want to date/see/whatever her? Don't give me an answer, because I am not the one you need to answer to. Think long and hard on this, and then you'll have the answer for the only person you need to answer to: yourself.

If you don't actually want to date her, then it is time to walk away from the situation. Be friends, but continue to rebuff her advances. On the other hand, if you have decided that you are, in fact, interested in said lady fair, you have to ask yourself something else: is this right? Not is this right legally, ethically, or by what other people think--but is it right by YOU? Do YOU have a problem with the age difference? Do you think that to date her would be wrong? If you want to date her but have serious issues with the age difference, again, you need to keep any relationship with her platonic, friends only. Once again, the only person who needs the answer is yourself.

So, let's say you want to date her. She obviously wants to date you. So no problem, right? Wrong. As you yourself said, her mother objects to the idea, rather strongly it seems. It may be the age difference, or it may be something particular to you that Mom doesn't like. That may not be pleasant to contemplate, but it is something you are going to have to consider and deal with. If you are serious about pursuing this, you are going to have to show her mother why you are not, in fact, a sleazebag asshole dipshit waste of skin. Normally I would say "to hell with her mother," but in this case, the girl still is a minor, so her mother does have some authority over her. And honestly, do you really want to date a girl if that is going to cause a rift between her and her mother? I wouldn't. That is just bad mojo, my friend. Nothing good will come of it. Not for you, and not for girly.

So take some time and think about all of this. Don't worry about what your friends think--they don't all agree, and they are not the ones in the situation. Don't worry about what us CSers thing--for the exact same reasons. YOU need to decide what is right for YOU, and then you need to commit to whichever course of action you decide, be it walking away or making the leap into something new.

Either way, good luck. Feel free to come back for more advice if you need it. After dating women for over 20 years, I can tell you one thing for certain--you will have more questions. Oh yes. You will. :lol:

[Slytovhand]

I'd pretty much ditto what Jester said.

Only thing I really wanted to say is... when I first read your post, I got the spidey-sense tingle... and spidey doesn't get tingles for good things.


(Ok - to be honest - I never read spidey, and I only saw the 3 movies....).

[RetailWorkhorse]

*Thinks*

Well....coming from me, a person who feels that the age of 40 is too young to be dating (and has the mental capability of a 12 year old), I think she's too young.

But then I still think 40 is too young to be dating.

I had a really whacked out (it's complicated) relationship with someone who's three years younger than me for 7 years and I never knew the age difference until we broke it off for good. But then we were in it for each other's cracked out minds, not sex.

[Evil Queen]

What about the Psycho you recently dumped, RW? You should regail us with this little tale (since I don't have all the info myself).

[Ghengis51]

I dated my first girlfriend when I was 19 and she was 16 (a 3 years, 3 months and 7 day age difference). We went out for a year and a half, and I regret nothing. If you decide to date her realize your gonna have to win her mother over, and you're gonna most likely not get any alone time for a while.

If you truly like this girl, I wouldn't let it slip away, it will be something you look back on thinking "I wonder if it could have worked out between us".

Whatever you decide to do good luck.

[draftermatt]

My best friend and his girly started dating when she was 15 and he 18. She's now 21 and he's 24 and they are still together.

That said, if her mother is going to be a problem, then stay away till she's older. Otherwise, if you like her take her out and see where it goes.

[Gabrielle Proctor]

I can't say much. Kevin is almost a decade older than me.

If you really like her romantically and you think she can handle it, I don't see any problem with dating. Sex, however, is something you should wait on.

You also need to think long and hard on whether or not her mom is being overprotective, or if she is making a wise decision for her daughter. Her mother is the person who knows her best, so she probably thinks her daughter can't handle a relationship like that and she might be right.

If you do end up dating her, always be honest. Don't play games. Don't pressure her into anything. And above all, don't be an asshole.

[GingerBiscuit]

My age gap is 13 years. We got together when I was only just past 17. Age gaps can break a relationship, or not have any impact whatsoever. However, there is a lot of differences in maturity between 15 and 17- at 15 I was selfish and a drama queen and certainly not capable of the effort to maintain a relationship. At 17 I was STILL selfish and a drama queen, but had the ability to put aside for the relationship.

Ultimately, if you feel uncomfortable due to your age gap at this stage, don't go for it. Wait a couple of years and if she's still interested and available then give it a try. You are right- there is a lot of difference between 15 and 18 then there is between 18 and 21.

However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking her out for a meal or something- just to chat and get to know her a little better. Develop a friendship with her, and something may happen down the line, when she isn't in indiscriminate hormone stage.

[Crazeyal]

The age differance is not the issue. The age of 15 is. I agree with Jester that no-one is able to judge the girl in question. The girl MIGHT be of unusual maturity and no-one here except the OP is involved enough to judge.

Relationships can be easy and positive things. They can also be devastating for a weekend... and then you move on. Some of the replies to this very thread come from women who survived dating someone older without combusting a three mile radius around them.

But the OP came HERE and asked for advice. That's telling. Sometimes you throw caution to the wind and go with your emotions. There is no deep desire here, AFAICS. The only thing I'm seeing, is a question of missing out on an opportunity. Since the OP asked for opinions, mine is that the problems outweigh the benefit here. If there was some longing passion being denied, perhaps it would be worth it, perhaps.

There can be a relationship, as friends, BEFORE you start dating. Let her grow up a bit, learn a little about each other, and THEN try dating. Better yet, move on to something with a little more of a chance at succeeding. You don't have to look for a lifemate at this point in your life, but this is pushing the limits.

[Jester]

Her mother is the person who knows her best...

That is a large assumption, especially as we don't know the young lady in question.

But from my experience in life, both as a former teenager and as an observer, parents are often NOT the person who knows their children best. I know that my mother is certainly not the person who knows me best, nor has she been since I was a child, if then.

In some situations, this is true. In many, it is not. For any of us to ascertain something like this is purely speculative, nothing more.

[Greenday]

They might not know us best, but I'll be damned if you can find someone who gives better advice. Every time my mom gave me advice and I didn't take it, she was right.

[Shards]

I agree with Jester. I'm 18, and my mother has yet to grasp some very basic things about me, as has my father. My friends are much better sources for learning about me.

Also, historically when I've gone against my parents advice, it's turned out better. Then again, the one exception to that was the one with the greatest consequences, so I suppose it evens out...

[Jester]

Don't get me wrong, my mother is a very wise person, and gives fantastic advice most of the time. (Hey, I had to get it from somewhere, right?) But to say she knows me best? Nope. Just isn't the way things are.

[prb]

I think it would be best to wait until she's 16, thanks everyone.