Plaidman
01-30-2009, 01:27 PM
It simply amazing how many emotions people can have. So why do I only feel rage and fear? I mean really. Today I get told from my district manager its a good chance I won't get my big raise, because a customer lied to them about what I supposely did. Apperently she came in at a X time, where me and coworker made fun of her, and I refused to sell her a carton of cigs. Strange since X time my coworker wasnt even there, and one of the two days she said it happen I didn't even work that day! But I understand customers and their so called time placement. I looked through the time I and coworker were there. Only one lady bought a carton of cigs. I vaguly remembered her only afterwards, because I comment it was lucky I was there since manager and I are the only ones who had access to the cartons, like the one she wanted. I check her lottery, she lost, she paid for her carton, and stormed out. Typical customer really. But despite that, since a customer still did a complaint, means I must have done something wrong, and therefor might only get a nickle/dime raise.
But whatever. I talked to a sleepy friend, who made me feel pretty good. Hard to do. I normally just plain hate myself. Even if it might have been in fun/humor or whatnot, ( I doubt it, I really belive it was for real, but you know, past experence). I was on cloud nine.
Then the fucking shoplifter. Pocketing a bottle of wine. Since the warnings I got and screaming I got, I can't get any more complaints/trouble or I might seriously just get only a nickle raise. What gets me, is the son of the bitch had money. LOTS of it. I made mention of him to give it back, but he just pulled out his wallet to show me all his twenties, why would he steal if he had money.
Which just got to me. These bastards. This criminals. Horrible people. THey always, always win. The good guys lose. The people in the right path just. fucking. lose. Which makes me shilver with rage, both at them and myself, because i don't have the strength, power, legality, or any kind of thing to do to them, but watch them laugh and smirk as they cheat at life and get ahead. Despite my wish to just grab that chain and beat them. Maybe then they'll learn. Everytime someone breaks a true law, or hurts, or murders, just freaking beat them. Horribly. Don't need to kill., just hurt them badily so they can learn wrong=pain.
But small good things can happen. We were saying goodbye to a friend today, because she moving. We went to a restraunt. I didn't like the burger, I took one bite and nearly puked. I apolgied to the waiter, and told him I just didn't like it. Didn't demand, or even expect anything really. But he still comp me for it. Which made me feel good. I gave a good tip for that. But those good feelings I get, as rare as they are, are nearly destroyed, because I waste the time and energy, and just can't stop thinking of thier smirkings, and laughter.
They always win. I may have small victories, but it will never end. I don't know how. I'd like to feel other stuff, nor am I trying to throw a pity party as it sounds like to me even, but just, I don't. I feel a race of the heart as both fear, and nervous, or utter rage that I just want to scream and beat stuff. But then I'd wake others up, or hurt my hands. Then I'd get yelled at.
I tried a vivarin today. It works. I also learned that 50 of them is a lethal dose. I won't do anything, it jsut crossed my mind how easy it would be. Cheap, likely painful but what else is there in life. You cannot win. It just one smashing defeat after another after another, and it'll get worst. My slightly more for the simple fact I have Neurofibromatosis. The only one in my family.
Sorry. I just needed to rant. I can't to my family because they'll freak out, I can't tell my best friend since he still bitching and ranting about his ex only being his friend. He gets angry and starts crying at times. I tried to help him, but he just doesn't want anything except him talk about how good he is, how he never judges others (bullshit) blah blah, while me and his ex nod our heads saying yes you are. For five hours. (We've time this, and we start to tune him out, which freaked him out even more).
So people can have a wide arrainge of feeelings. What makes people here feel differntly? Maybe I can take some advice to get new feelings?
But whatever. I talked to a sleepy friend, who made me feel pretty good. Hard to do. I normally just plain hate myself. Even if it might have been in fun/humor or whatnot, ( I doubt it, I really belive it was for real, but you know, past experence). I was on cloud nine.
Then the fucking shoplifter. Pocketing a bottle of wine. Since the warnings I got and screaming I got, I can't get any more complaints/trouble or I might seriously just get only a nickle raise. What gets me, is the son of the bitch had money. LOTS of it. I made mention of him to give it back, but he just pulled out his wallet to show me all his twenties, why would he steal if he had money.
Which just got to me. These bastards. This criminals. Horrible people. THey always, always win. The good guys lose. The people in the right path just. fucking. lose. Which makes me shilver with rage, both at them and myself, because i don't have the strength, power, legality, or any kind of thing to do to them, but watch them laugh and smirk as they cheat at life and get ahead. Despite my wish to just grab that chain and beat them. Maybe then they'll learn. Everytime someone breaks a true law, or hurts, or murders, just freaking beat them. Horribly. Don't need to kill., just hurt them badily so they can learn wrong=pain.
But small good things can happen. We were saying goodbye to a friend today, because she moving. We went to a restraunt. I didn't like the burger, I took one bite and nearly puked. I apolgied to the waiter, and told him I just didn't like it. Didn't demand, or even expect anything really. But he still comp me for it. Which made me feel good. I gave a good tip for that. But those good feelings I get, as rare as they are, are nearly destroyed, because I waste the time and energy, and just can't stop thinking of thier smirkings, and laughter.
They always win. I may have small victories, but it will never end. I don't know how. I'd like to feel other stuff, nor am I trying to throw a pity party as it sounds like to me even, but just, I don't. I feel a race of the heart as both fear, and nervous, or utter rage that I just want to scream and beat stuff. But then I'd wake others up, or hurt my hands. Then I'd get yelled at.
I tried a vivarin today. It works. I also learned that 50 of them is a lethal dose. I won't do anything, it jsut crossed my mind how easy it would be. Cheap, likely painful but what else is there in life. You cannot win. It just one smashing defeat after another after another, and it'll get worst. My slightly more for the simple fact I have Neurofibromatosis. The only one in my family.
Sorry. I just needed to rant. I can't to my family because they'll freak out, I can't tell my best friend since he still bitching and ranting about his ex only being his friend. He gets angry and starts crying at times. I tried to help him, but he just doesn't want anything except him talk about how good he is, how he never judges others (bullshit) blah blah, while me and his ex nod our heads saying yes you are. For five hours. (We've time this, and we start to tune him out, which freaked him out even more).
So people can have a wide arrainge of feeelings. What makes people here feel differntly? Maybe I can take some advice to get new feelings?