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View Full Version : The Asshole Tax


Boozy
06-11-2009, 10:03 PM
In my wildest fantasies, I see our company instituting an Asshole Tax, calculated thusly:

If you hit on me, the tax is the equivalent of the numbers of years difference between my age and yours, as a percentage. For example, the cost for the 70 year-old man hitting on me today would be 39% (70 years minus 31 years).

You will be taxed 1% for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes you to count out your coins if choosing to pay with change, especially if the cashier can see bills in your wallet. The tax will be multiplied by the number of people in line behind you. Example: The lady (with a wallet full of twenties) who took 3 minutes to count the change for her purchase today would be charged a 36% tax (12 ten-second periods, multiplied by three for the number of people waiting for her to finish).

The No-Bag-Yes-Bag-Three-Bags-Please tax: A 10% surcharge will be added to your bill for every time you change your mind about whether or not you need a frickin' bag.

Now add your own....

Nurian
06-11-2009, 10:13 PM
The There-and-Back-Again tax calculated as thus: You will be taxed 10% for each time you "forget something" (f) at the register and go back. Multiplied by number of items you "don't need"(n).

Hobbs
06-11-2009, 10:22 PM
The "You-Don't-Have-[BLANK]-Discount?!" tax will be inverse whatever discount you wanted

friendofjimmyk
06-11-2009, 10:32 PM
The 5% tax added for if you make a snide remark if the cashier asks you how you are doing or some other form of friendly greeting that you could either choose to politely ignore or utter some polite response - but, if you choose the option where you make some snarky remark that borders on the rude - 5%.

The 15% unruly child tax. If your child is tearing up the "impulse" items in the cashiering area or climbing all over the racks and all you do is giggle, smile, and mention how cute they are - 15% tax added.

Mr Hero
06-11-2009, 10:38 PM
Does this mean I'd get a discount for hitting on you since if we subtract my age from yours we get -3?

JoitheArtist
06-11-2009, 10:49 PM
10% "you people" tax: 10% added to purchase for every use of the term "you people."

This rule would bankrupt some of my former customers in 5 minutes flat.

Gawdzillers
06-11-2009, 10:56 PM
Does this mean I'd get a discount for hitting on you since if we subtract my age from yours we get -3?
Only if you're an asshole.

Megg
06-11-2009, 10:59 PM
The Cat Butt Face tax : for every time you make that horrible face when told no about anything, automatic +10% of your total purchase.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
06-11-2009, 11:01 PM
An improper vehicle tax, $20 for each item I'm unable to fit your vehicle, payable directly to me.

5% tax for asking me "Are you going to come over to my place and put it together for me? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

15% tax for accusing me of suspecting you of shoplifting when I ask to see your receipt. I know you didn't steal the merchandise. I have to sign your receipt as a matter of policy.

10% tax for getting all huffy and sigh-y and foot tappy when I have to wait a little while for a service desk person or a manager to sign off on your duplicate receipt. LP's watching to make sure I'm doing this, you know.

Garbage Tax: $10 for every piece of trash you leave behind in your shopping cart when you leave that I have to pick out and throw away so customers don't bitch about trash in our shopping carts. Also $10 for every drink cup, candy wrapper, potato chip bag, or other detritus that you just drop someplace in the store for me to pick up.

Sewer Tax: The entire monetary contents of your wallet, purse and/or pockets if you leave me a disgusting shit mess to clean up in the restroom.

Stupid Driver Tax: 15% for the two motorists who played crunchy-crunchy bumpers right in front of my car, and thus I had to wait for one of them to move their vehicle since they, plus a car in the space behind me, had me blocked completely in.

Forensic Waitress
06-11-2009, 11:30 PM
15% tax of how much you paid the doctor when you send in a jar of urine not properly sealed and has leaked in the bag, add another 5 % for every other specimen that is spoiled by said urine.

50% tax if you send in a faeces jar and said jar is smeared in your feaces, a full 100%, 50 for us and 50 for the courier driver, if your runny poo has leaked out of the jar and has not only made the couriers car smell but also our part of the lab.

edible_hat
06-11-2009, 11:50 PM
Genuine rip off tax: 20% if you claim our prices are "a rip off". Another 20% if you expect me to agree with you.

Seriosuly, if you want to pay supermarket prices, go to a supermarket. They're not open at 11pm? I guess that's why we charge more than they do!

Trayol
06-11-2009, 11:56 PM
Cellphone Tax - coming through the drive-thru or to the front register with it glued to your head - 15%

Passenger Tax - anyone other than the driver ordering at the speaker - 20%; children - 30% (does not include those who need a translater)

Skeksin
06-12-2009, 12:19 AM
Lame Joke Tax - 1% + Additional 1% for each time you've heard that today.

Android Kaeli
06-12-2009, 12:38 AM
The I-Forgot-My-Coupon-Give-Me-One-Anyways Tax: The extra tax will depend on the percentage of the coupon that is offered this week if it was actually brought in with the ad. Example: If there's a 40% coupon this week with the ad, you'll be charged an extra 40% if you ask to use one if you ask to use one without your copy.

Dave1982
06-12-2009, 03:02 AM
Does this mean I'd get a discount for hitting on you since if we subtract my age from yours we get -3?

I'm thinking that that one is based on the absolute value, so.....no. :devil:

10% if your credit card is not signed. 20% if you are the least bit disagreeable when I ask for ID.

5% tax for "Do you work here?" no matter what.

2% tax for each item you change your mind on/don't have the money for at the register. Yes, this one has the potential to snowball. :devil:

25% tax for haggling.

50% tax for expecting tech services to be free.

20% tax on your next visit if you try to get in when the store is closed.

Mr Hero
06-12-2009, 03:58 AM
Lame Joke Tax - 1% + Additional 1% for each time you've heard that today.

That tax didn't get rung up so it must be free.

WhiteRose
06-12-2009, 04:07 AM
physical threat tax: 50% of total purchase per threat (including previous threat-tax additions)

Insult tax: 25% of total purchase per insult, direct or indirect

Grimy money/body odor tax: mandatory purchase of soap and use of hand-sanitizer before being rung up

RecoveringKinkoid
06-12-2009, 04:13 AM
Back in the Bad Old Days of Kinkos, we actually DID add on an Asshole Tax, and we called it exactly that.

We had enormous control over what we charged...I mean, yeah, there were set prices for things, but there was also flexible prices based on the difficulty of some jobs. And what a lot of customers didn't realize was that there were prices based on the difficulty of some customers.

In many cases, this was as simple as a job coming through the door that seemed easy, but due to our experience with the customer, we knew would snowball into a clusterfuck that would end up costing us time and money. So we'd stick extra charges on there.

Bring in racist propaganda, and boy, you'd be better off doing that job in self serve. If you could find someone behind the counter to do it, and good luck with that, it would end up costing you so much money we probably should have droped a tube of KY into the bag for you.

Don't think of it as revenge, think of it as self-preservation. And in the case of the offensive content, well, dirty jobs pay more. That's just economics.

And before anyone accuses us of scamming or stealing, we actually did have some sky high prices posted on the wall for various things that we rarely ever enforced. Like "paste up" or "special handling." We would not normally charge you, say, 25 bucks a pop for a paste up, even though that was the posted price.

But man, it was nice to be able to trot that price out if we had to. I charged this one broad something like 300 bucks for a paste job, and it was totally legit and above board. It's just that I would have waived most of it if she hadn't been such an asshole.

KellyHabersham
06-12-2009, 04:35 AM
For the library, I'd love it if we could fine customers, say.....$1.00 for every book/magazine/puzzle piece (the latter being in the children's area) they leave lying around on the tables or shelves for staff to clean up.

A few other things which I wish we could charge a fine on library cards for - returning foul-smelling items in the bookdrops, returning 30+ items at once and then bitching that it doesn't get checked in instantly, smelling like you've either pooped your pants or bathed in condiments at a hot dog stand,...etc.

Imogene
06-12-2009, 04:52 AM
200% tax for every utterance of "It didn't have a price, it must be free"- No, now it's double.

Simple, severe

RecoveringKinkoid
06-12-2009, 05:02 AM
Well, I should probably clarify that we did not charge our "tax" for minor offenses like saying dumb cliches or whatever. Annoying, yes, but we past and present Kinkoids have incredibly thick skins. You could get away with quite a bit an still not get taxed. No, you had to work hard at it to get charged an Asshole Tax. But once you did, it was something that would just compound itself. You piss off the string of Kinkoids working your job, and they all add their "little extra", your bill could be pretty out of this world.

Especially if you also managed to piss off the cashier.

Astrokitty
06-12-2009, 05:05 AM
I love this idea!


5% for every "so-and-so will do it cheaper."

10% for every sample you send in that smells like it contains rotten eggs.

50% if it's so dirty I can't suck it up with a pipet!

You want a rush with no notice? That's 100%. Don't like it? I know a lab that does 300%, (seriously).

25% if I have to dig through a mixture of ice and dirt to find your bottles in the cooler you send; 5% more if you call and ask where your cooler is before we even have it unloaded.

These taxes are due and payable to the grunts/associates/lowbies.
:lol:

Snowbird
06-12-2009, 09:05 AM
25% tax for the "I don't interact with peons, escalate me immediately" attitude.

50% if said supervisor/manager/opposite gender sends SC back to previous peon to answer a simple question. (How much is this?)

100% if sup/mgr/OG sends SC back to previous peon to answer a detailed question they themselves couldn't answer.

500% tax if SC comes in with a list ten miles long during Christmas madhouse rush, expecting to find a personal shopper. (upped from 200% after I realized some people would actually pay that price :cry: )

fireheart
06-12-2009, 11:15 AM
Mine are fairly straightforward...

10% for every sexist comment I hear from you. Does not have to be about me, it can be about another coworker, or about the opposite sex in retail in general.
5% for every time we tell you where a certain item is, we're right, but you still want us to take you to it anyway.
5% every time you leave a bag behind, come back the next day and complain that you have to go and get the items yourself! (You're replacing them for free, we do not hold them overnight, we also do not always have the time or the manpower to recover 346573 items)

Racket_Man
06-12-2009, 03:21 PM
100% tax for EACH instance of the "My pizza looks disgusting my kids will NOT eat that" even though it looks the same as all the others we make and looks exactly the same as the last 2 replacement pizzas we sent out

300% tax for making the statement "why is delivery time SOOOOOOOO long?????" during a blinding snowstorm

500% tax for every instance of a known scammer trying to get free stuff or a heavy discount for a really really lame reason.

100% tax when you try and convince me to give you my employee discount (which we do not get anymore anyway) in addition to the great coupons you supposedly have.

HorrorFrogPrincess
06-12-2009, 04:08 PM
The Economy Tax: 10% anytime you use a phrase akin to "In this economy...".

4love
06-12-2009, 05:31 PM
5% for every time you try to tell me where the book you want "should be" located.

We will charge you 30% of your original purchase for every way you try to 'stretch' our return policy. Outside of 2 weeks but want me to put it back on your credit card? Trying to tell me 'the babysitter has the receipt'? Demanding signed notes from management giving you permission to do a (probably fraudulent) return in the future? Yeah, that adds up to 90% tax, and be glad you're getting anything, you raging #@$%#%!!!

The Act-Your-Age-Tax-Act: customers will be charged a 1% tax per year difference between their behavioral age and the age on their driver's license. If you're 80, but acting like a bratty little 5-year-old, expect a 75% tax, you jerk.


Y'know, this is kinda therapeutic. :)

Lace Neil Singer
06-12-2009, 05:46 PM
50% For anyone who's rude, abusive or tries to hit on any of the cashiers.

20% For anyone who demands assistance pumping petrol, but rather than being disabled/injured in any way is just being a lazy arse.

20% Every time you act as tho it's us who control the petrol prices.

10% Extra added on to the above if you act as tho it's me alone.

50% If you show up at closing time and act like an arse.

10% For waiting in line and being impatient. Also given to anyone who turns up during busy times and whines about the wait to be served.

20% For bitching about shop items that we don't have in stock.


This is fun. XD

Jacen
06-12-2009, 06:32 PM
You will be taxed 1% for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes you to count out your coins if choosing to pay with change, especially if the cashier can see bills in your wallet. The tax will be multiplied by the number of people in line behind you. Example: The lady (with a wallet full of twenties) who took 3 minutes to count the change for her purchase today would be charged a 36% tax (12 ten-second periods, multiplied by three for the number of people waiting for her to finish).


To be fair, we should get a 1% discount for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes the cashier to count out our change or to call for more change.

Usually they are fast but...

Lace Neil Singer
06-12-2009, 06:39 PM
Also...

20% For anyone who pays with a twenty for a packet of chewing gum just to get change. My till isn't a magic change machine, in fact management halved the change we get every week. -.-

Slytovhand
06-12-2009, 06:49 PM
1% per second it takes you to find your credit card... after all, you've just rung me to pay for something over the phone... why weren't you ready with it?

1% per second it takes you to check your car's licence plate number.. multiplied by the number of years you've possessed that car... (gonna be awefully expensive if you still don't know your own plate after 15 years! :p)

1% per second it takes you to "figure out where the hell you were" conversation...surely, you have some vague idea of where you were in this city?? You know, north, south, east or west??? Even a suburb's name?? No?? Damn, that trip's starting to get rather expensive, isn't it?? :devil:

5% per sign they drove past... when they tell you "But I didn't see any signs". (should work for other things as well... "Where's your XYZ" as they stand under the sign..)

100% per time you think the law doesn't apply to you, and to just do it!!!!

200% for finally accepting it's their own fault... after a rather long and tortuous battle (why does it cost so much?? It's cos you use it so much... no, we aren't ripping you off... here's the proof... now cough up!)

eta: dumbass tax... 20% for asking if you can use an EFTPOS card over the phone!

Oh, btw, personally, I think the change timer tax should be starting at about 20 seconds... there shouldn't be that long a need to hunt for change.

Parrothead
06-12-2009, 06:57 PM
1% per second it takes you to check your car's licence plate number.. multiplied by the number of years you've possessed that car... (gonna be awefully expensive if you still don't know your own plate after 15 years! :p)

You should add something for failure to remember your vanity plate, too.

DGoddessChardonnay
06-12-2009, 08:13 PM
Let's see what I wish I could get away with the Kitty . . .

A 10% surcharge for every time someone has a overflowing buggy full of items and then just shoves the EBT card in my face after I give them the CASH total. Your'e not that special, Princess. Besides, it's bad manners to not tell someone before the total is given - that way, we can give you the CORRECT total. And if your card doesn't swipe, then just open your mouth and tell us . . . no need to just be mute about it.

5% surcharge for holding up the line because you're writing out your check longer than it took our forefathers to write out and sign the Declaration of Independence. An additional 1% charge will be amassed for each customer behind you over 2 who are waiting to get checked out and who could have all been gone by now had you not been moving slower than a turtle on Valium.

20% surcharge for anyone who thinks it cute to ask "Are you open" even if the light is on and I'm scanning out customers. You're not that funny and I don't think you'd even get past the audition stage for Last Comic Standing . . .

Surcharge depending on age difference (similar to Boozy's) for guys who think it's okay to flirt or hit on me. Take your overwrinkled, sunparched leathery butts and overgreased hair to somewhere more appropriate for that sort of behavior (like a BAR maybe) and stop deluding yourself. You're not that cute . . . in fact you're older than my parents (Ewwwwwwww) and not all the Viagra in the world will change the fact that I'm not that desperate. Come to think of it, my toys are more attractive than you and have more personality.:angel:

Better yet, go audition for a horror movie . . . I'm sure you'll fit in nicely. You might even be mistaken for Vincent Price's stand-in.:rolleyes:

10% charge for spening more than 30 seconds on my HBA aisle "just browsing" (ie, picking up various items and then putting them anywhere else BUT where they belong) and making a general mess.

First off, it makes me think you're looking to shoplift . . . especially if you basically turn down my offer to help you find something in particular and just begin rummaging like you're looking for the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre or somesuch.

Second, it creates more mess for me to have to straighten. I'm used to having to pull stuff to the front when it starts selling down, but having to pick up half a zillion items and putting them back b/c some lazyass moron decided they didn't want something and couldn't be bothered to move 4 or 6 steps to put it back where it belongs is another matter altogether. I'd hate to see what you do at home. Better yet, not only should you get the surcharge at the register (and that's variable for how much of my aisle you decide to destroy) but I should be allowd to have directions to find your home and come in and do the same thing to you.

an additional 25% surcharge will be added if you have children who are tearing up the aisle/climbing the shelving/rolling around in the floor, etc. and you are paying no attention whatsoever. A further 10% screaming surcharge will be added as well if your child can be heard throwing a tantrum 5 miles away.

Turn about's fair play, after all.:devil:

5% Selective Hearing surcharge for any time I tell you where something is and you don't pay attention or wander off in the OPPOSITE direction. Not only have I told you exactly where on the shelf it is, but I've also pointed. It's obvious you need to retake Kindergarten and learn about something called "Following Directions."

A 10% "Everytime I come you don't have X in stock" charge will be issued whenever I have to be called up front b/c we're out of something. Chances are I've talked with you before on the matter and you just didn't believe me when I tell you the warehouse is out of the item and all we can do is order it until it either comes back in or they tell us it's discontinued. I can't pull one out of my ass . . . and if I did, you probably wouldn't want it anyways.

A 10% surcharge added for anyone who asks me if I work in another department when I'm clearly not in the department at all (such as the meat department when I'm passing by with a cart full of totes to either get to the back room or to stock on the HBA aisle) when you are too lazy to walk 3 paces to press the buzzer beside the door and large window where you can SEE someone back there cutting/wrapping/cleaning. Not my fault you can't use logic. You'll have to go buy some.

That's all I can think of for the moment. ;)

Bella_Vixen
06-12-2009, 10:06 PM
20% Every time you act as tho it's us who control the petrol prices.


Been through that for 5 years. I'd make that at *least* a 50% tax...

edible_hat
06-12-2009, 11:58 PM
when you try and convince me to give you my employee discount (which we do not get anymore anyway)

I give people the employee discount as soon as they ask. An offer of zero percent off usually gets the kind of look they give you when you don't laugh at "it didn't scan so it must be free".

DGoddessChardonnay
06-13-2009, 12:40 AM
I give people the employee discount as soon as they ask. An offer of zero percent off usually gets the kind of look they give you when you don't laugh at "it didn't scan so it must be free".

I get those on rare occasion. And usually they'll have that same look too: head kinda cocked to the side and looking at you like you're stupid.

And we don't get an employee discount either. We pay the same thing the customer does, even with our store discount card.:lol:

VComps
06-13-2009, 12:59 AM
An improper vehicle tax, $20 for each item I'm unable to fit your vehicle, payable directly to me.

As someone who sells big-screen TVs, I'm all over this. But I suggest a refinement:

$20 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle, payable directly to me; OR:

$50 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle after I've advised you in the store that the items will not fit, but you insisted on having me try anyway, PLUS: $10 per minute spent trying to shoehorn the :censored: thing in anyway. :wave:

Andara Bledin
06-13-2009, 02:13 AM
$20 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle, payable directly to me.
I was actually almost guilty of this when I bought my 32" TV.

This was at a Costco, so I had to worry about getting it in the car on my own. Now, I'd have thought a full sized 4-door sedan would be adequate. I was almost completely wrong.

So, the back doors don't open quite far enough to use them to store the TV. The trunk is far too shallow (:wtf:), and you can't get the TV box into the back seat by dropping the passenger seat, either. It turns out, however, that if you put the TV in the front seat, you can then tip it over the seats (wedging past the steering wheel) and drop it into the back seat in that manner.

Being spacially aware individuals, Nekojin & I managed all of this in about 10 minutes total to go through all of that and get everything settled.

^-.-^

Irving Patrick Freleigh
06-13-2009, 02:46 AM
Babysitting fee: $25 if I have to tell your kids to quit running around/jumping on the furniture/squirting ketchup and mustard packets on each other/yelling "fart" or "booger" for no reason in particular/just acting like a bunch of over-caffeinated cheetahs on speed

Multiplied by ten if you yell at me for daring to ask your pweshuss widdle angels to stop acting like a bunch of fuckdumplings.

Ambiguity tax: $5 for asking me if we have "that thing, that connects to this other thing, it's red I think...no wait, maybe black. Anyway do you have it?"

http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/images/smilies/bg7crl.png (Thanks Khiras)

Sloth tax: $20 if I catch you leaving your empty shopping cart loose in the parking lot instead of putting it away in the corrals provided.

Heh heh, all these taxes and fees I'm proposing. I feel like such a politician!

BethB
06-13-2009, 03:10 AM
I've thought about adding a fee...a $200 fee to pay for my therapy for looking at your nekkid pictures. Say it with me...DIGITAL!!!!! :cry:

On that note maybe I should tack on 10% for every butt I see. 10% for every cheesy pseudo-gang sign with duck lips pic. 15% for every off-center attempt made to get that perfect "I'm kissing my BF/GF!" pic. and finally double charge for each pic over 2 that is made of your stupid engagement ring:mad:!! Yes, it's pretty. Yes, you will show the world in person. NO, the entire world does NOT want a copy to frame. Seriously. Make more than 2 copies and you're just filling the world's landfills that much quicker.

But....I wil give discounts to baby evil eyes(red eye) cuz they're kinda funny and any awesome pics taken from foreign countries. we like to play the "where did you go on vacation" game. Today it was an African safari.:D

Teysa
06-13-2009, 03:10 AM
Since I'm not a cashier and I'd want some of this money myself, I'm going to use dollar amounts.

$5.00 for answering 'how are you doing today?' with 'eggs!' or something similiar.
$5.00 for yelling for help across the aisle instead of walking the few feet to me and asking where something is.
$5.00 for looking at me like I insulted your mother when I greet you.
$5.00 for asking 'do you work here?' when I'm wearing the store uniform and working
$20.00 for demanding help when I'm obviously off the clock. (nametag off, book and purse in hand, and doing my own shopping.)

Bella_Vixen
06-13-2009, 05:41 AM
just acting like a bunch of over-caffeinated cheetahs on speed



That's great. I'll have to remember that one.

:lol:

Slytovhand
06-13-2009, 02:56 PM
Ah... more to the list after tonight...

200% surcharge because you don't even know your own name! (I don't care what you want to be called, if I ask for your name, I want your name... you know, the one you opened your accont with... "Bob" is not the same as "Robert", and "Cheryl" certainly isn't the same as "Su Lin"). This charge increases by the number of times I have to ask you for 'your name'!

100%.. yep, auto doubling of the price, because the first thing out of your mouth is not "Hi, how are you?" or something similar, but "I'll give you my rego", or "I'll give you my account number". Sure, it's a social construct, and thus is fairly meaningless, but don't treat my like a damn robot!

500% (cos I feel like it) for trying the "But it wasn't like that before"... when it's always been like that from day 1! (ok, I'll drop it a bit if things change... but it goes back to that value if you bitch about it! That's the way it is now, sunshine - deal with it!)

And... let's say... $20 payment direct to me if I'm about to log off, and your call drops through :) $50 if I'm urgently trying to get off the phone... like get a coffee, or something... :D

Dreamstalker
06-13-2009, 03:43 PM
50% if I detect you picking my brain with the intent of fixing on your own when it's clear there's no way in hell you are capable of doing so...didn't you just say you [I]couldn't do it yourself and that's why you called me? Upped to 70% if said fishing expedition is with the intent to call the guy down the street who got his A+ from a crackerjack box.

$2 for each time I need to re-explain something, upped to $10 if you immediately do the exact opposite.

$50 for fixing results of the above. Each time this cycle repeats itself gets another $10 tacked on.

$10 if you ask me "how do I do XYZ" within five minutes after I just explained it (may stack with either or both of the above two depending on my mood and the exact offense)

$20 per "economy" card or variation thereof. Upped to $100 if you make the implication I should provide my services for free (you want free support, learn how to do it yourself).

And of course, the ambiguity tax. $10 to start, this increases based on the time it takes me to figure out WTF you actually want (also increases if you try to argue that I couldn't possibly be right).

Megg
06-13-2009, 06:32 PM
I love this thread! If only ...

upped from 200% after I realized some people would actually pay that price

If that money was going directly to me, I would be their personal shopper for 200% of what they spend. They would be dressed well. :devil:

$20.00 directly to the cashier for every time you say, "Why do you need the stupid card? They should just give everyone the lower prices!"

(I saw someone do that yesterday, in a different line, lucky for him! :lol:)

EricKei
06-13-2009, 09:23 PM
I've got some from my pizza joint days

300% tax for making the statement "why is delivery time SOOOOOOOO long?????" during a blinding snowstorm.This also applies to making this complaint when ordering during halftime of the local team's big game.

300% if you order during halftime of the Superbowl (without complaints), 600% with complaints

200% if "the pizza was wrong/bad/cold last time we ordered but we didn't tell you ", multiplied by the number of WEEKS since the order in question

200% if you were dissatisfied with the pizza you just got, ask for a replacement, but you ate the whole damn thing anyway in the half an hour it took us to rush you a new one

25% for telling us how the guys down the street make better pizza but ordering from us anyway

50% for stiffing the driver on the tip for no apparent reason (meaning, it got there fast and hot, it was 100% correct, he was friendly, etc) (applied to the next order; driver keeps the tax). Multiplied by the number of times you have done this.

100% of "coupon" value for claiming you had a coupon over the phone but didn't really have it to give us

200% of coupon value if you use a competitor coupon at a place that does NOT take competitor coupons

15% for complaining that our food is more expensive than <competitor>. Double that if you or someone else in your party comments that <competitor>'s food is of low quality compared to ours. (That's WHY we're more)

200% of the cost of any add-ons (drinks, breadsticks, extra pizzas) ordered after your pizza has already been prepared, cooked, and is being boxed up

400% of the above if the driver has already left the store and you want him to go back, get the extras, and bring it all out together

500% fee for expecting the delivery time to magically stay the same (rather than resetting) when you do the above. "Stiffing the driver" penalty doubled if it happens as a result of this.

15% fee applied to your next order if your street is flooded so badly that you cannot leave your house, but expect us to be able to deliver to you

umpteen million% for ordering exactly one of the cheapest item on the menu, whilst paying with exact change every time, ordering this 4-6 times per week, and always stiffing the driver on the tip...When you live at the farthest reaches of our delivery area

ThisIsXYZ
06-13-2009, 09:26 PM
Call center asshole fees:
(To put this in perspective, the vast majority of our callers are paying us $20ish per month for an online software package.)

$5 every time you call me by the wrong name.
$20 if you call me by the wrong name RIGHT AFTER I INTRODUCE MYSELF
$10 extra if the wrong name doesn't even sound remotely similar to mine

If you scream and yell about overages, you get to pay all of them, and give me an extra $50 toward my blood pressure medication. The overage policy is not very clear, so we usually waive them if you're decent about it.

$50 if you are angry from the very start of the call.

5% of your annual salary if you complain that I'm wasting your time and explicitly say how much money you make. (I had one lady say she made $200 per hour - that would have netted me what, $20,000?)

$1 for each second you put me on hold. (My policy is to hang up after 30 seconds - this obviously isn't a good time for them - but I'd be much more patient if I were getting paid extra for it. :devil:)

$30 for whining that our system is broken, when it's really user error.
$30 extra if it involves your password. No really, that part of the system does work correctly.

$50 rush fee if you just signed up for the product because you're under a tight deadline. You need to buy the product and work out the kinks ahead of time, not two hours before the big deal closes.

$200 minus what you actually pay per month for expecting me to personally train you on the entire system.
$50 for complaining that you went through the tutorials, but they weren't useful. My dog can follow those tutorials.
$100 and immediate cancellation of your account if you complain to my manager about our training policies.
(This is tech support, not training. If you're too dense or too computer-challenged to understand our video tutorials, user guides, and webinar classes, this isn't the right product for you, and we really don't want you as a customer.)

Phew. At that rate, I should make about an extra $500 per day.

Rapscallion
06-16-2009, 08:03 PM
Getting infractions on this site doubles the cost of using it. Nod.

Rapscallion

EricKei
06-17-2009, 02:42 PM
Time for some from the accounting firm, my current grind...

$200/hr premium if you call up asking to "speak to the owner" when it's obvious you're trying to sell us something. One hour minimum charged.

10% extra for whining about our rates. I used to think our rates were extreme, too (the above is the owner's normal hourly rate), until we looked at a local industry survey and found that our rates were LOW for CPA's in our area :eek:

Flat $50 fee for calling us up for a support call, going thru all this rigmarole about your problem and how you can't get through to [people who make the software we support], and then just hanging up when we quote you our support rates once you finally stop to breathe

Flat $100 fee every time we pick up the phone, give our opening spiel, and you just hang up without a word. This goes directly to whomever picked up the phone when you called. Happens an average of 10-15 times PER DAY. Makes me wish we had Caller ID...WE CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING, GUYS (alternatively, "we can hear the rusty cogs inside your head grinding")

25% if you called us, balked at our rates (double if you were due about it), called [software manufacturer] and found out that their per-call rates and minimums are even HIGHER than ours, then called us back and complained about their rates

40% premium for support calls in January (people doing year-end closing of the books) and expecting a callback in 5 minutes. Call volume increases by 3-5x normal at this time (it takes US 45 minutes to get thru to the [software makers] at these times if we need to call regarding an undocumented error code; sheeple can reasonably expect a 2 hour wait time in January). Ditto for Personal tax time in early April

$25 for every time you call, we give you our spiel where we MENTION OUR COMPANY NAME up front, and then ask "Is this [software maker]/This isn't [software maker]?"

$25 for calling the number on our site that had our name emblazoned on it up top in big block letters and thinking we make the software; double if you claim that you're on the Maker's site and saw our number (if you're on the Maker's site you won't find a number that gets you to a human in 3 rings or less, I can guarantee you that). Ditto for looking up "[software] help" or whatever on Google and calling us instead of the Makers (our number is in the Title tags so it shows up in the Search link headers ^_^). Note that the people who MAKE the software invariably show up higher-ranked than we do, for obvious reasons

A reward of a fistbump and a :D (for free!) if you tell us that [software maker] referred you to us because they couldn't figure out the problem themselves (this has happened often...we usually can fix the problem even when this happens)

100% if you call us to set up an appointment to have your income taxes done a week before they are due. +200% extra if you want them "rushed". +500% if you don't give us the info needed to do the work until April 14

50% for trying to make us cover your @$$ for free when you got randomly Audited by the IRS, but you declined our offer for Audit Protection (basically, AP means that we handle EVERYTHING if this happens, including court costs if need be. We charge like 10% of the anticipated net return to provide AP)

Triple the value of all services rendered to fix your mess in the above "AP?! DO NOT WANT" case if you have us take care of it for you

5000% and a cluebat to the head if you expect us to do your taxes when most of your business has been "cash" (under the table) and you neglect to mention this to us

Yfandes
06-17-2009, 03:26 PM
fuckdumplings
this? this is my new favorite word!

These is one actual (Pain in the Ass) PITA charges I am allowed to use:
$50/ hour for every little nitpicky thing you add on AFTER you've chosen our most basic (cheapest) subsidised educational package, and then tried to change it to match your idea of speshul (1 hour minimum).

Things I want to charge additionally for:

$100 every time you want us to "give you a few fish for dissection". NO!! We are short! Go buy or catch your own!!

$5 (discounted rate) for every student who comes in the building and asks "wheres the boat"? Hint - we keep them on the water!

$10 for every student who shows up late and misses the boat, when 38 other students made it on time.
Double that for whining "we got looooooost!!!" when we distribute clear instructions on how to get here to every professor AND are available on our website.

$30 for everyone who calls me asking me to "talk them in", while driving around lost in the port. Double that if you can not tell me WHERE you are!

and $100 per question for the self important chamber Dr who kept making different demands requiring unrelated searches that are nothing to do with me, and I am only doing as a FAVOR: "Is there a boat to the island today? I dont think there is! Is there a ferry? Which ferry should I take? Where does it go out of? How much is it? Is there a boat today?...."

Digitalpotato
06-17-2009, 11:11 PM
The Karaoke Tax = Every time you sing the "$5 footlong!" song, you will be required to pay 50% of your entire purchase. Payment for this tax goes entirely to paying for therapy to the asshole who had to serve this customer.

The Rick Astley Fine = Every time you sing that stupid "Never gonna let you down" song by Rick Astley, you will be charged $200 for singing the worst song ever made in the past 50 years. Benefit goes directly to therapy to the person who had to listen to you singing that stupid song.

The Other Subways have 'em tax = You are charged 2% every time you complain about how we don't have swiss.

The random demanding discount tax = Whenever you complain about ficticious discounts such as "The Woman's Discount" not existing at Subway, you are charged for 150% of your order as compensation for your stupidity.

Improper use of Racist card tax = whenever you complain that your $5 footlong doesnt' cost EXACTLY $5 because we're being racist, or you say that I skipped over you in line because of your race or nationality when you were talking on a cell phone, you pay 300% more.

The Phone Sex Tax = 600% tax if you hold the line up to have phone sex.

The whining about $5 footlong tax = 50% sales tax for whining about how a sub is not $5.

The economy card tax = 250% sales tax for whining at us for not charging $5 for a sub that probably cost us $10 to make and saying that we should give you a deal that we would LOSE money on because of the economy.

Megg
06-17-2009, 11:28 PM
Getting infractions on this site doubles the cost of using it.

So $0 x 2 = $0! Cool! :devil:

Calie
06-18-2009, 04:32 AM
The Phone Sex Tax = 600% tax if you hold the line up to have phone sex.


:eek: Is this from experience, or just caution? Wait, I'm not sure I want to know...

Taxes in my business (custom manufacturing...standard leadtime is 4weeks)

+50% if you want it in half our stated lead time (30% if we like you)

$10 for every day you call in wanting your order sooner, or just to "check on it"
$20 for the second, $40 for the third...
Pricing is doubled if we made it extra clear in advance that we cannot get sooner and we would call YOU with updates.

+20% if you complain about our pricing, and say that our competitor is cheaper, but you order from us since the parts they make for you are crap.

+30% if you say our competitor can get it twice as fast. That's because they're one payday away from bankruptcy and they have no orders.

+10% if you even mention "our competitor" and ANYTHING. If they're so great, go there!

Phone Answering Taxes:

$10 for every call + $5 for every request or question from sales guys that want to speak to the owner, don't know his name (or title), start asking for his "assistants", calls back numerous times, won't leave voicemail. $20 if they're in a really loud call center and/or speak softly/badly so that I have to ask them to repeat numerous times.

$5 for every time I pick up the phone only to hear the fax noise. Fine waived if I back-trace the number and they are very apologetic.

Oh, and $5 for every phone call I answer that is a recording...I could retire in a year.

Andara Bledin
06-18-2009, 04:51 PM
The Rick Astley Fine = Every time you sing that stupid "Never gonna let you down" song by Rick Astley, you will be charged $200 for singing the worst song ever made in the past 50 years.
Not that I have anything against the tax on these idiots, but Never Gonna Give You Up is hardly the worst song in the last half-century.

Hell, it has nothing on Trapped in the Closet (the first "chapter" anyway). Weird Al's Trapped in the Drive-thru nails it, and is actually listenable.

^-.-^

Digitalpotato
06-18-2009, 10:24 PM
:eek: Is this from experience, or just caution? Wait, I'm not sure I want to know...

Experience.

The Spectator tax - Take the Phone Sex Tax, then add 50% for every minute you hold the line up to have phone sex, then 25% for every person who has to hear that. Replace the 25% with a 45% if there are summer camp kids nearby.


....like there was today. -_-

Racket_Man
06-20-2009, 08:37 PM
QUOTE=EricKei
I've got some from my pizza joint days

300% if you order during halftime of the Superbowl (without complaints), 600% with complaints

I have no problem with Superbowl Sunday just a little busier than normal UNLESS DA PACKERS are playing inthe Superbowl. then I would expect ALL drivers would be on duty as the town would get SOOOOOOO drunk and happy and they would order pizza continiously for like a week straight(and they would do it without Favre the hasbeen)

200% if "the pizza was wrong/bad/cold last time we ordered but we didn't tell you ", multiplied by the number of WEEKS since the order in question

200% if you were dissatisfied with the pizza you just got, ask for a replacement, but you ate the whole damn thing anyway in the half an hour it took us to rush you a new one

free happens once and only once after that I like the 200% and we expect the "bad pizza" back so no bad pizza no remake (or you can pay for anohther pizza full prose) but you still get the 200% fee added on anyway


50% for stiffing the driver on the tip for no apparent reason (meaning, it got there fast and hot, it was 100% correct, he was friendly, etc) (applied to the next order; driver keeps the tax). Multiplied by the number of times you have done this.

If this were true I could have quit delivering a couple of years ago as I would be a zillionaire now

15% fee applied to your next order if your street is flooded so badly that you cannot leave your house, but expect us to be able to deliver to you

flood snow storm hail, lighting, tornado who cares and the TAX would be at least 100% of the order total payable NOW

umpteen million% for ordering exactly one of the cheapest item on the menu, whilst paying with exact change every time, ordering this 4-6 times per week, and always stiffing the driver on the tip...When you live at the farthest reaches of our delivery area

welcome to my world

Peppergirl
06-20-2009, 11:18 PM
1. Automatic tax of 20% if your child is screaming like a banshee in the background. This tax can be waived if the call is urgent and you are stranded in an airport somewhere, but if you're booking more than a day or two ahead, wait till the kid quits screaming before calling. Jesus.

2. Automatic tax of 30% if you ask me why the fare is so high. Extra 5% if you ask me that question when you're calling the reservation in the same day you're traveling. I'll waive said fee if the question is asked in a conversational tone...particularly if it's clear that you hate the airlines as much as me and are merely using this question as an opening line in order to segue into bashing them for their lunacy. :lol:

3. Automatic tax of 20% for complaining about center seats being the only thing left to assign on the aircraft, particularly if you're booking the same day. No, I don't design the seat maps, nor do I care that you 'always get stuck with a center.' Try booking earlier next time and leave me alone.

4. Automatic tax of 25% for insisting that hotels HOLD magic rooms and aren't REALLY sold out, even when I tell you they are. Right, Smiley (and other hotel peeps)???

5. And the number #1 biggest tax - 100% for booking your itinerary 3 months ago, having it emailed, then waiting till the DAY BEFORE YOUR TRAVEL to check it for accuracy, only to discover **OOPS** it's for the wrong return date. 200% if you scream 'What do you MEAN I have to pay the penalty?' at me.
***Check your freaking itineraries upon receipt, like we have advised you 800 times on the phone and via email***


And, rest.

Whew. That was theraputic. Thanks Boozy!! :)

4love
06-21-2009, 03:58 AM
having been stuck working the cafe for the last couple days, I have a few more...

"Starbucks Tax"= 10% for every time I have to explain to you that We-Are-Not-Starbucks! Yes, I will be keeping track, so if I have to do this again tomorrow, it'll be 20%.

+100% on every item you decide to add to your order at the register, if someone else already asked you what you wanted. +150% if it's something that requires a machine and more than 5 seconds, i.e., a sandwich or a frappucino.

Refusal of refund if you change your mind about what it was you wanted- i.e., you order an iced chai, get it, then decide you'd rather have a caramel frappucino. F*** YOU!!! We've already wasted that chai mix and the milk on that drink, we don't want it back! This is waived if the first drink was honestly wrong/badly made.

+40% for every time you say "I don't mean to be a b****, but..." or "I don't want to be difficult, but...". Because we both know you're only saying that to be a passive-aggressive little bleep. One little EW today would've been paying an additional 320%, and not getting her frickin' refund.

I could probably think of more, but the beer is dulling my pain so I think I'll stop now. :D

mattm04
06-21-2009, 04:15 AM
25% on you entire order for every time you want someone paged to a dept with the "CLOSED" sign clearly up.

add 50% if i have seen you in minutes before and asked if you had any questions and you said no.

For the record i had one guy in a 10 min. period of my 15 minute break ask 5 employees to page me.

100% no 150%(payable to me) if you use a side register and interrupt me workign by my self wit 300 things to do in two hours to pay of something i don't carry in my dept because you are too impatient to wait up front.

Dreamstalker
06-21-2009, 01:40 PM
50% if you interrupt me while I'm already visibly doing 15 things, increased by half if the interrupter is the boss who knows damn well I'm up to my ears. Doubled if the only reason you wanted to interrupt me was to ask a stupid question.

500% if you try to steer a call into the realm of phone sex (to date, only the ex has actually tried this).