Massive Whine and Bitchfest :cry:

[SteverinoNY]

So I've reached the end of my rope today. I can't physically or emotionally stand living under the same roof as my mother and father. The emotional beat down that is delivered by my mother is such subtle ways that my father can't see it has worn thin. I'm tired of her trying to control every fucking aspect of my life. For Chrissakes I'm 24 and a year away from having a goddamn Masters degree. If I didn't owe over 50k in tuition with another 40k or so coming up for the following year, do you think I would be living at home? Fuck no...It's kind of hard to get any sort of significant other when you live in an 8x10 room 15 feet from the same bed your parents made you in. Please stop pressuring me about that...mmkay? And also, for the love of god, its my goddamn money, if you don't like what I do with it, kindly shut your hole and bitch to my father when I can't hear it. I've had my limit and this has been coming for 10 years now. My mother is such a controlling figure and I like to be in control of my own decisions without being second guessed (I do enough of that myself thank you), that I can't stand to live here any longer. I'm seriously debating about whether I should go on vacation with them because I may blow my brains out when I should be relaxing before I get my ass kicked by 17 credits next semester and an internship. How fucking hard is it for you to understand that I have sent out nearly 20 job applications and if I don't hear back from the company after one week, I am probably not getting an interview! Jesus Christ woman...back off and just let me be.

Sorry for this long ass rant that probably makes as little sense as a purple polka dotted giraffe in the middle of downtown Manhattan, but thanks for suffering through the whole thing. If you want more clarity, PM me or hit me up via AIM or Windows Messenger.

Thanks in advance for listening/reading

[Giggle Goose]

I HEAR YA!!! As much as you say you're an adult, your parents will always treat you like a kid because you're THEY'RE kid. I understand that sometimes they can't help it, but geez! I'm moving out in two weeks and I. can't. WAIT! Sure, I'll be paying a lot more, but in terms of mental suffering I think it's completely worth it.

For right now, I'd say DON'T go on vacation with your parents. Hell, staying at home WOULD be a vacation...from them! Hang in there and good luck with your education! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My parents are pretty easy-going and didn't get on my case most of the time when I lived with them, but even so I got fed up numerous times with feeling like I was still in high school (where are you going? who else is going to be there? what time will you be home?), so I definitely hear you there....

I think Giggle Goose is right on the vacation thing - you would probably be a lot more relaxed staying home without them. Or go somewhere by yourself - any friends you could visit or something? Or go to the city and do some stuff you don't normally get to do. Have some fun before school gets going again.

[Broomjockey]

Sounds like you got a copy of my mother. If so, I'll warn you now, moving out won't change a damned thing. She'll still think she gets to make all the decisions. Unfortunately, I can't offer much besides commiseration. :(

[gremcint]

I am in a very similar situation, living with parents and owing a lot of student loans while I try to find a job.

I can't really comment on controlling parents too much because mine aren't too bad.

First do you own your own car? if so being over 18 there is nothing they can legally do to stop you from using it, so when you go out do not answer any questions or anything you are going out because you feel like it and that's all she gets.

Make sure there is a password on your computer (I don't know if there is anything she is doing with your computer but it sends a message).

Make sure you don't let her see your bills or bank statements, either get the mail before her or get them all online.

When she complains about you to your father and you hear it, call her on it, Just say to her "if you've got something to say then say it to my face"

If you get your own place have very clear ground rules, especially call before you come over, no nonemergency surprise inspection visits.

My mother is not controlling but she will ask question after question and repeat the same question over and over again I've finally just stopped answering them after the first time because her hearing is just fine and my first answer was clear.

I'm not telling you to go to war with your mom but you need to make it clear that there are boundaries.

[taxguykarl]

Definately don't go on vacation with them. Try to concentrate on getting your own place (after you have some source of income). I understand what you're going through--I lived at home for almost a year after graduation before I had a non-seasonal job.

[SteverinoNY]

Thanks for the advice everyone!...I really appreciate it. After consulting with some other friends of mine (and reading the posts in this thread), I am still confused on what I want to do, but I feel a little better about myself. In a strange round-about way, when I was out today and feeling particularly furious about my mother and the fact that she just does not quit, I punched the wall on the side of the garage (busted up a couple knuckles pretty good), but it released a lot of tension.

So between that and your nice words, I feel better somewhat.

Thanks all! :)

[BookstoreEscapee]

If you must punch something, may I suggest finding a gym with a punching bag? Or at least a pillow. Much less bloody and painful. :)

[Der Cute]

Or a foam pool noodle...and whap the hell out of it.

On the above tips:
I'd open a UPS/Mailbox outside of the home and change mailing address to that.
Open a safe deposit box in bank, put BC and SSN card etc in there.

Get job somewhere, and have a separate savings account, put 10% of anything you get (even a 20$) into that...save it up.

Good luck hon, I have toxic parents.

Cutenoob

[protege]

My parents are *exactly* why I moved out. After 30 years of listening to them fight constantly, I'd had enough. Yes, I lived there until I turned 30. Bite me :p

Seriously though, I was paying rent, but it literally felt like I was living in a third-world country. They wouldn't turn the heat up in winter, nor would they turn the A/C on in the summer. As a result, my "apartment" was always too cold, or too hot. Plus, if anything broke, it took about 6 months to get fixed.

I too grew tired of having to tell them wherever I was going. Keep in mind that my parents would come home late, disappear, etc. and *never* left a note or said where they were going. When called on it, I'd get told that they were "trying to make me not follow their example." Hypocrites much?

But, I do agree that you should never leave any important information lying around. This includes bank account statements, credit card statements, or anything else like that. It's none of their business what you use your money for...as long as the bills are paid.

Also, if you have your parents listed on your bank accounts...get them the hell off of there. Trust me on this. When I was a minor, my parents used my checking account as their own little S&L. Every cent I made went towards paying *their* bills. That changed, soon after I found that my mother had written a check for $500 to get their car fixed, and not bothered to tell me :eek:

Even after all that, the main reason I moved out...was because I was tired of the constant arguing. I work in a noisy office, and could never get any peace and quiet when I'd come home. Even in my bedroom with the door closed and the radio on, I could still hear them. Didn't work if I turned the radio up either--she'd come in and bitch about the noise. When called on that, my mother would scream about how it was "her house," and that she'd "do what she wanted" :rolleyes:

[blas]

Hey, rant all you want. People here can relate to you and we definitely feel for you.

I moved out when I was 19....actually, in a week or so, August 1st, it will be 3 years ago.

My parents (well, actually my mother) still gave me a curfew. Not like a "call if you're going to be late", it was "Be home at midnight." Every night. Mind you I was 19 years old. And being 19 didn't mean I wasn't exempt from being grounded. If I was late for curfew, I got grounded. And trust me, once I started working 3rd shift at the factory and only got two nights off a week from there (and was still finishing my last few weeks at the gas station as well), and all I wanted was to see my friends.....I had to be home at midnight. And I got grounded if I wasn't. And my mom was going to start demanding rent from me if I did not enroll in college.

Did the madness continue with my brother? Well, nope. He doesn't have to come home if he doesn't want to. At first, he had a curfew. It was 2 am when he was 18, then it slowly became "Just call if you aren't coming home."

Parents can really suck. Living with them can really suck.

[SteverinoNY]

Thanks everyone for the sound advice!

I have my own bank accounts and all my mail comes to the house, but I pick it up before they do most times. So no one goes into my mail.

But apparently I am a failure at life because I wanted to wash the car in the driveway wearing the clothes I wore yesterday. Why dirty a new set of clothes when I was going to shower you say? Well because according to my mother, I'll make her look bad if people drive by and see me wearing the same clothes. Honestly...do people have that little to talk about that they will throw a shit fit about me wearing dirty clothes? I'm so tired of this bullshit. Being a grad student with a 3.66 GPA is nothing, but wearing a semi-dirty shirt to wash a car makes you a failure?

If anyone can explain...please do!

[blas]

Your mom sounds like a total lunatic, no offense.

Someone washing their car in their driveway makes me think that they are trying to save money and have a good mini-workout cleaning their car.

No one in their right mind would wear new or nice clothes while washing their vehicle.

[Talon]

Why dirty a new set of clothes when I was going to shower you say? Well because according to my mother, I'll make her look bad if people drive by and see me wearing the same clothes.

Great FSM, there are so many things wrong with that I hardly know where to start. Since the Jester hasn't shown up in this thread yet, I hope he doesn't mind my taking a shot as his act of being the honest asshole.

Firstly, unless you're wearing vagrant's rags, or a driver-by scans you with a telescope, nobody's even going to notice you have dirty clothes.

Secondly, who the FUCK cares if you're wearing dirty clothes to wash a car? Apart from Mommie Meddler that is. Does she mow the lawn in 4 inch spiked heels and a Pravda dress, or does she only expect that from you?

Thirdly, you'll make HER look bad? What is she running for public office? Can't afford to alienate her constituency, the Society for Proper Carwash Apparel?

Fourthly again, you'll make HER look bad? How sanctimonious and self-absorbed can you get?

Your mom is a real piece of work.

[SteverinoNY]

None taken...my mom is batshit crazy and she thinks that no one else is right but her. That's all I wanted to do was save some money (and maybe dunk my head under the hose because it was hot and humid today) and to actually accomplish something...which I'm apparently not doing anything around here but putzing around on the computer. I'm actually on careerbuilder.com and the local newspaper classified sites trying to find work. I'm trying to move out but I am broke and have no means to do so because I haven't been able to find work, which is ironically the cause of my issue because I'm not looking hard enough. The fact that we're in a recession means nothing to her. She's especially bitter because she lost her job which I feel bad about, but screaming at me is not endearing me to you.

Thanks blas and everyone else for the support! :)

[SteverinoNY]

Great FSM, there are so many things wrong with that I hardly know where to start. Since the Jester hasn't shown up in this thread yet, I hope he doesn't mind my taking a shot as his act of being the honest asshole.

Firstly, unless you're wearing vagrant's rags, or a driver-by scans you with a telescope, nobody's even going to notice you have dirty clothes.

Secondly, who the FUCK cares if you're wearing dirty clothes to wash a car? Apart from Mommie Meddler that is. Does she mow the lawn in 4 inch spiked heels and a Pravda dress, or does she only expect that from you?

Thirdly, you'll make HER look bad? What is she running for public office? Can't afford to alienate her constituency, the Society for Proper Carwash Apparel?

Fourthly again, you'll make HER look bad? How sanctimonious and self-absorbed can you get?

Your mom is a real piece of work.

Ohh it's only expected of me...she can run about all over town doing her errands in gym clothes but if I look like a supposed dirtbag at any time, there is hell to pay. Needless to say, I went to my grandparents and washed the car, then helped my grandpa with yardwork. They didn't seem to have an issue with me wearing yesterday's clothes for chrissakes. I'm fed up with the double standard. And god forbid if I sneeze or anything like that...I got yelled at for sneezing in her car once.

Also, there's a wicked double standard in regards to phone usage. If she calls me, I need to pick up right away no questions asked. But if I call her, she just lets it ring and ring and ring. I don't leave messages because I only call when I need her. But I'm supposed to be at her beck and call?

[gremcint]

I should come down, my sneezes will shake the house.

It sounds like it's time to fight fire with fire, if she calls let it ring, if she bugs you about your clothes then just say I wear what I want when I want and if you have a problem with it, tough.

Basically if she is going to treat you like a child, then act like one.

[Broomjockey]

Basically if she is going to treat you like a child, then act like one.

Normally, I'd disagree with this approach, but acting mature hasn't yielded much. Just say "I'm going to act how old you treat men." Being immature can be fun.

[gremcint]

Normally I say be nice and mature, do your best to get along but basically this woman for whatever reason has decided to make your life hell, quite frankly if it looked like even for a moment you might be able to get through to her then I'd say keep trying but if it's not going to work you might as well do what you want.

[tropicsgoddess]

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 21, but unfortunately it was under very bad terms. SO and I met and started dating at 19 (he's 6 months older than me), my mom was the one that ran the roost in the house and no matter what the outcome was with her and my father's decisions, it was always her way or the highway. She always made me do chores around the house before I left, insisted that our dates were at the house. Not only that, but she would always try and find a way to keep me from going out on dates with SO. She threw bitch fits if SO didn't show up to every single family function (even though he's gone to so many of them with me) and if we decided to go somewhere else instead. She pretty much dominated what was supposed to be my middle sis' 18th birthday party. The youngest one and I have birthdays on the same month (April) and I'm 5 years older than the youngest sis and even though she and I said that we didn't want another joint birthday party, mom still got her way on us having a joint party and again dominated something that was not about her. Besides those points, she was very unreasonable and we couldn't go out if she didn't want us to because she said so kind of deal and would tell us how she's the adult we're the children and had to do as she said not as she did kinda crap. Besides that she would bitch if it wasn't done HER way if I cleaned up or how no matter what was done it wasn't good enough. :rolleyes: So glad to be out of there. Sorry if I threadjacked you, Steverino. I agree with the ditch the vacation with the parental units and look around like hell for a place of your own bandwagon. Time away from them would sound more like a real vacation for you.

[SteverinoNY]

Tropicsgoddess...all is forgiven for the thread jacking.

I know its immature, but I've been doing the little tiny things that drive my mother insane in the past couple days and greeting her with nothing but fake smiles and the bare minimum plesantries. She seems to be getting more and more steamed and I'm waiting for her to go apeshit over something mundane. I'm also hoping she does it when my father or brother are around so they can see how much of a lunatic she is when she goes off on me for no reason. I know being immature is not the wisest strategy, but clearly being an adult isnt working, so I may as well be a kid if she wants to treat me like one.

(P.S: I'm doing things like not making my bed or leaving empty water glasses on the floor...nothing malicious)

[artifical sweetner]

i can relate so much. im 23 and my parents treat me like im 13 still! I also have immense loans and live in a pricey area so moving out is not an option at this point. DRIVES ME NUTS!

[gremcint]

Just remind your parent that in 30 years you'll be choosing a retirement home for them and they may want to be a bit nicer.