The Customer Complaint Letter Game [Archive] - Page 2

Tsiyeria

07-06-2011, 10:54 PM

Dear Mrs. Natural,

I was so sorry to hear that the police were unable to catch you before you left the premises. We will, of course, be cooperating fully with the parents of the four children who saw you and are pressing charges against you. You'll be happy to know that our security cameras recently received an upgrade at the behest of a particularly generous donor, and we therefore have fantastic video of the entire situation.
As to whether or not you will be coming to our pool again, I must say that you won't be. Sex offender status has a way of keeping children away from you.

Best Wishes for your trail and prison sentence,

Pool Manager

---------------------------------

Dear Restaurant,

I am writing to complain about the service I received at your Interstate location the other day. The hostess sat me at a TABLE! I CLEARLY wanted a booth. It should have been obvious, as I spent five whole seconds looking at the booth I wanted. Then my waitress brought me water, but it was in a tiny cup! I am not a child, and I take offense to being served out of a child's glass!
The real problem, though, was the waitress's attitude. She was extremely rude, especially when my daughter pushed the fire door open and the alarm went off. I mean, she's only seven! How is she supposed to know what will happen? The waitress should have been there to stop her from opening the door. I demand to be compensated for my meal and given gift certificates, and at least 10 of your restaurant's t-shirts (in sizes small and large).

Sincerely,

Mother of the Year

Irving Patrick Freleigh

07-06-2011, 11:29 PM

Dear Mother:

We are sorry to hear of your experience. Enclosed find 20 (10 in small and 10 in large) of our super-deluxe, designer "I got kicked out of Restaurant and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirts.

Manager

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clearance Swamp Manager:

I visited your store today, the first Wednesday in July and thus Senior Day. Yet I did not get the 15% senior discount on my purchase.

So what if I'm only 22? I'm a college senior! I should get the discount!

Give me a personalized written apology (no form letters!), at least $1,000 in gift cards, and that sexy devil Irving Patrick Freleigh for one night. I'll do things to him that will make his co-workers bow before him like the hunky god among men he is.

Coed Naked

XCashier

07-06-2011, 11:59 PM

Give me a personalized written apology (no form letters!), at least $1,000 in gift cards, and that sexy devil Irving Patrick Freleigh for one night. I'll do things to him that will make his co-workers bow before him like the hunky god among men he is.

Coed Naked
Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.

TTYL,
Manager

* * *

Dear Manager of Sparky's Fireworks Tent,

I wanted to get loads of fireworks for the Fourth of July, but your rude employees wouldn't even let me enter the tent! Just because I was smoking my cigarettes, they demanded I stay back fifty feet! Damn it, I'm the customer, I'll smoke where I want to! Now I missed shooting off fireworks for the Fourth. I want free fireworks for the next ten July Fourths, and you to fire that rude employee!

Sincerely,
Smokey Toomuch

purplecat41877

07-07-2011, 11:34 PM

Dear Mr. Toomuch,

We won't be firing the employee since you were told not to smoke near the tent for safety reasons. Also, we will not give you free fireworks.

Sincerely,

S. P. Arky
Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I scanned my items through self checkout and selected credit as my payment option. I was steamed when it gave me an option to enter my pin or press enter. I demand this step be eliminated if credit is chosen. If you don't do this, I will break into your store after closing and smash all of your pin pads to pieces.

Sincerely,

C. R. Editcard

JustaCashier

07-08-2011, 07:00 PM

:ot:

Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.

TTYL,
Manager

FTW! :lol:

Mike

Grape The Cat

07-23-2011, 11:15 PM

Dear Mr. Editcard,
Many of our customers have cards that can be used as credit card s or debit cards, sometimes they like to get additional money back, which requires, in most cases, a PIN number. We are sorry that you are frustrated with the way our machines are set up, but that is the way the machines are set up. We have reported your threat of burglary and vandalism to the local police.
Sincerely,
Chuck Roast
Store manger
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rest stop,
I stopped in your location yesterday and was appalled at the level of service. First of all, tour rude cashier insisted that I wait in line. I have kids! I can't wait in line! Secondly, when i ordered a glass of red wine your cashier told me you do not serve alcohol. Thirdly, when I went to get my daughter a Hannah Montana DVD at your shop, I was told you did not have it. This is sexism and discrimination and illegal and immoral. What I want done: Have the cashier fired, always serve me first whenever i come into your location, always serve me wine and devote at least 60% of your store's floorspace to Hannah Montana DVDs. If you do not comply, i will start a class action law suit.
Sincerely,
Sue M. All

purplecat41877

07-25-2011, 09:35 AM

Dear Ms. All,

There are other customers besides you, we aren't allowed to serve alcohol because children shop here, and we have no room for any DVDs. Therefore, your requests have been denied.

Sincerely,

Rest Stop Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off arresting me? It was the fault of your employee standing in front of the self checkouts. I told her to scan my items and she had the nerve to tell me that I was supposed to scan them myself. I was steamed at her, so I put my items in a bag and took them without paying. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $200 gift card to make up for my arrest. If you don't do what I want, I will continue to take items from your store and not pay for them.

Sincerely,

S. H. Oplifter

Iseeyouthere

07-26-2011, 10:44 AM

Dear S. H. Oplifter.

Do you know what self-serve means? Also, do you know what stealing means?
I'll give you a hint: One involves not being lazy and one involves a heavy fine and possible jail time.
Hopefully, you are smart enough to know which one is which.

Sincerely,
Supermarket Manager

----------

Dear Bookstore manager.

I am disgusted that your staff forced me to pay for several books which I didn't want to buy.

All I wanted was a few pages from them because they were my favourite parts. I carefully pulled them out and did not damage the book in anyway.

The staff informed me that I was "damaging" the book. I didn't damage it! They can just replace the pages easy. I worked in a bookstore once and I know for a fact that you have boxes of spare pages out the back. I only took a few pages out of each book. How hard is it to replace them?

I demand several requests to be done for the way I was treated:
A $200 gift card
Free books of my choosing
The employee who told me I was damaging the book to be fired.
The supervisor on duty who made me pay for the book or else they would call the police to be fired.

If you do not comply with these requests, you will hear from my laywer and will be sued.

Sincerely,

I. Rip Pagers

XCashier

07-26-2011, 11:56 PM

Dear Book Mutilator,

If you did indeed, as you say, work for a bookstore at one time, you would know darned well that we do not have spare pages in the back or anywhere else!

You fail. And you will not get what you want, because our lawyers can beat up your lawyer. :p

Sincerely,

Barney Noble, bookstore manager

*****

Dear Slurp 'N' Burp manager,

I ordered a meal from your establishment, and wanted a coke. Your cashier told me you didn't have Coke, only Pepsi. Well! I am the customer and the customer is always right! I think it's downright rude that you don't carry the product that I want, and I won't take rude behavior, so I slapped your cashier across the face.

Next thing I know, the cops eating lunch in the dining room are arresting me for assault and battery! How dare they! All I was doing was standing up for myself.

I will not accept this at all. I demand that you bail me out of jail, fire that rude girl and carry Coke products from now on!

Sincerely,
Ann Tagonist

Sarlon

07-29-2011, 03:55 PM

Dear Ms Tagonist,

We will do no such thing.

Please find enclosed a restraining order on behalf of our employee, and a free lifetime subscription to anger management weekly.

yours unhappily,
surrey brup

-----------------

Dear Big chain movie theater,
I went with my poor infrm mother to one of your movies the other day with her in a wheelchair, and was highly insulted that you yanked the two of us from the theater!

The peon who pulled us out was saying things like "pay for your ticket!" and some such nonsense!

I've been going to your theater for YEARS and have always gotten free tickets when I take my mother!

I demand this policy be reinstated for the caretakers of the elderly, and free concessions for life!

yours hatefully,
Elma Waddle

Iseeyouthere

07-29-2011, 05:54 PM

Dear Mrs Waddle.

The 'peon' in question happened to be me, the manager.

Thank you for identifying yourself. We have checked the security tapes of the last month and found you entering with a ticket on two other seperate occansions.

You are now banned. Your mother is not.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Dabig Screen, manager.

--------------------

Dear owner of Customerssuck.com

I am writting this on behalf of the Customer Rights Anonymous Program when one of our trusted and loyal member (Username IRLurker111) and we are DISGUSTED with this site.

The stories that these inhuman peons spread are filled with lies, set to cause grief to us, the loyal, paying, always right customers! Some of our member even recognise some of these stories, heavily twisted to support these uneducated drop-outs.

One of our members, Username "Tun0Neal0Vison" recognised the story where the rude employee dared to point out a sign that said "No coffee today. Sorry". Mr Vison informed us that he was offended that he had to READ. Unacceptable! It was clearly the EMPLOYEE's fault and the employee should of been FIRED!

Another of our members, "1mmaSt0rm" noticed the story where she was declined a service from the peons stating that the power had 'gone out' due to a passing thunderstorm. How dare those things say they can't control the weather! It was beyond poor service and we have boycotted the entire business until our demands are met ($500,000 for each day we don't go to their store).

This site is a disgrace to our rights as customers and we at Customer Rights Anonymous Program demand it be SHUT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Further more, we demand that you track down these worthless peons and drop outs who have posted comment and stories alike and FIRE THEM from whatever pathetic job they may own!

For each day you do not shut down this site, we will be suing you for 10,000 each hour and contact the news, the FBI, our lawyers, our families and our friends and we will FORCE you to shut down!

Sincerely,
Customer Rights Anonymous Program
We are C.R.A.P and proud of it!

(I had way... WAY to much fun writing all that. :lol::lol::lol: )

purplecat41877

08-05-2011, 04:13 AM

Dear Customer Rights Anonymous Program,

Our members need a site to vent about people like you and we will not get them fired. Therefore, we will not shut down our site.

Sincerely,

The Secretary

Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store selecting some clothes and I since I don't like fitting rooms, I started undressing over where the back wall is so I could try the clothes on. One of your rude employees told me to use the fitting room and I told her to mind her own business. She had the nerve to call security and have me removed from the store. I want the employee and security guard fired for being rude to me, an $800 gift card, and my next purchase for free or I will come back and slice all of your clothes to ribbons.

Sincerely,

D. R. Esser

Grape The Cat

08-17-2011, 08:10 PM

Dear D.R. Esser,
Our fitting rooms are where you try on clothes, we do not allow undressing in any other part of our store, except for the bathrooms, which you cannot enter with unpaid merchandise. As the employe and security guard were doing their jobs within company regulations we will not fire either of them, your request for a gift card is also denied. Your threat to damage our stock has been forwarded to the police department. You are hereby banned from the store.
Sincerely,

Dee Cency
store manger
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear O.G.I. Monday's:
i have suffered terribly because of the wanton abuse and carelessness of your rude and imbecilic employees. First of all whenever I order an alcoholic drink your idiots insist on carding me. I'm 42, not some loser teenager with a fake ID. Second of all, when i refuse to show my ID your idiotic employees don't serve me. Third of all, when I demand to see how my tofu and bean sprouts are cooked i am told I can't go to the kitchen, and some nonsense about health regulations. That is nonsense I have college degrees! I am smarter than your employees, furthermore I am the customer and I am always right. Fire all your employees and give me and my family free meals for life at all of your locations or I will report you on my blog.
Sincerely,

I. Bea Vain

purplecat41877

08-20-2011, 04:21 AM

Dear Mr. Vain,

We have to card all customers who look under 40 if they want alcohol and the employees were right about not allowing you into our kitchen due to health regulations. Therefore your requests for firing the employees and free meals have been denied.

Sincerely,

Food Manager

Dear Theatre Manager,

You had absolutely no right to kick my boyfriend and I out of the movies. All we were doing was sitting in the back row making out. Those other customers who complained about us need to learn to mind their own business. I want free movie passes and free refreshments for my boyfriend and I for life or we will never come to your theatre again.

Sincerely,

Miss Makeout

Grape The Cat

08-21-2011, 12:21 AM

Dear Miss Makeout,
Those other customers were trying to enjoy the movie, which you and your boyfriend prevented them from doing. In addition you were warned about your behavior twice by an usher, but you persisted. Our corporate rules allow us to kick out anyone who is creating a disturbance or hampering the enjoyment of the film for others. Therefore your requests are denied.
Sincerely,
Roland Film
Theatre manger
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Butcher Shop,
YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST VEGETARIANS AND VEGANS. I WANT TO SEE VEGETABLES IN YOUR SHOP OR I WILL CONTACT THE ACLU. IF YOU DO NOT STOP SELLING MEAT I WILL BURN DOWN YOUR STORE, YOU WORTHLESS IDIOT!!!!!
NOT SINCERELY,
RUSSELL SPROUTS

XCashier

08-21-2011, 05:22 PM

Dear Mr. Sprouts,

If you'll step next door, you'll find The Green Grocer, a very nice produce store. I highly recommend their salad bar.

As I said, he's right next door. He doesn't sell meat, I don't sell vegetables, we don't step on each others' toes. Have fun.

Sincerely,
Butch R. Block, owner
Butch's Meats

* * * * *

Dear Manager,

I was at your store buying hundreds of dollars of school clothes for my perfect precious little angel daughter and one pair of pants for the other child that came from me, whatever the hell it is. My little angel was rather rambunctious and talkative, as many children are, and was a wee bit sassy with the cashier when she wanted to buy a few trinkets. Cashier refused to ring up her sale, saying she didn't like being called a bitch or some such nonsense. I was horribly embarrassed and ended up buying the items myself, and scolding my darling daughter. Now I think of it, the cashier was vastly out of line for defending herself. Who doesn't get called a bitch now and then? I certainly hear it several times a day every day!

I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and to allow my precious darling daughter to beat the crap out of that horrible cashier, or I will never shop there again.

Sincerely,
Terri Bull-Parent

(Yes, I based that one on a recent post (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=81057).)

purplecat41877

08-26-2011, 11:10 AM

Dear Mrs. Bull-Parent,

Our employees reserve the right to refuse service when necessary. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Craft Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring my daughter? She's 16 and needs a job to help pay for the car that she plans to buy. I demand you hire my daughter and allow her to make out with her boyfriend and talk with her friends on the job as much as she wants. If you don't, I will start an online petition to get you fired and the store shut down.

Sincerely,

A. P. Ronstrings

Grape The Cat

09-01-2011, 08:17 PM

Dear Ms. Ronstrings,
If we hired your daughter she would have to abide by the same terms of employment as our other workers. Therefore, we could not permit her to talk with her friends or make out with her boyfriend. If your daughter wants a job she can apply in-store or online. Thretening us with an online petition douse not help your daughter's case. Thank you for your interest in our company.

Art N. Crafts
store manger
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Power Company,

How dare you not have power two days after a storm meant through. All it was was wind and rain!!!!!!! Because of your gross incompetence I have been forced to eat meals out. I ate at Le Chateau Jean-Claude for six meals and I spent $500. I demand that you reimburse me for the meals I was forced to take out and give me a free year of service and also guarantee that my power will never go out again. If you do not do all of the things I will sue you and go to the media with my story of your abuse of a loyal customer.
Sincerely

Irene Was-Nothing

purplecat41877

09-02-2011, 03:41 AM

Dear Ms. Was-Nothing,

We have no control over the weather so we can't promise your power will never go out again. Also, there are cheaper restaurants you could've gone to so your meal reimbursements will be denied.

Sincerely,

E. L. Ectric
Power Company Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to buy some strawberry kiwi juice and there was none on the shelf. I saw an employee with the juice I wanted and told her to give me some. She had the nerve to tell me that the juice was being put on hold for a customer that was on the phone. The other customer wasn't in the store so I should've been the one to get the juice. I demand you allow customers who are in the store to have first dibs on your items, fire the rude employee, give me free strawberry kiwi juice for life, and a $400 gift card. If I don't get what I want, I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Ann Titled

Grape The Cat

09-07-2011, 11:37 PM

Dear Ms. Titled,
After reviewing the incident we found that the customer who was on the phone did indeed make her request first and was therefore. I have no idea why you were looking for strawberry-kiwi juice in the paper goods aisle, but we had plenty including a sale display in the juice aisle.Your requests are denied , we will not fire an employee for obeying store policy, nor will we give you a lifetime's supply of juice and a gift card.
Sincerely,
Bev R. Age
store manager
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear WalTarg,
I recently went to one of your stores and I was appalled!!! At!!! The level of Service!!!! First of All!!!! The lazy syock boys refused to find me a perfect cart!!!!! Secondly!!!! When I got to the toy department !!!! You had some!!! Loser thirty year old !!! Shopping!!! I needed toys for my angels!!! Although he didn't buy any of the toys I wanted he looked like a child molester!!!! I demand!!!! That you clear all areas!!! That I will be shopping in!!! And!!! Fire all you lazy incompetent stock boys!!!! Also do not allow losers to shop in your store!!!!! If you do not!! conform to my demands !! I !!! Will call!!!! The attorney general!!! And the media!!!!
Sincerely!!!!
Dee Manding-All

XCashier

09-08-2011, 05:05 AM

Dear Ms Manding-All,

Nothing in your letter was worthy of investigation, except for your excessive use of exclamation points, which makes it look like you're under too much stress and wound way too tightly. Enclosed is a business card to an excellent psychiatrist who can get you the help (and possibly medicine) that you obviously desperately need.

Sincerely,

Mel O'Yellow, manager,
WalTarg

* * * * *

Dear Bullina China Shop,

I am appalled at your lack of pet-friendliness! I went shopping at your store yesterday, bringing my darling little doggie FooFoo with me because he pines when I'm not with him and starts chewing on things. Well, naturally he's a little perky, and likes to play. But your nasty clerks got so angry with me, just because a few silly dishes got knocked over. Why do you hate animals so much?!

I demand that you fire those idiot clerks, give me a million dollars for compensation and let me bring in my little angel FooFoo, and never mind the dishes he breaks, or I will sue you.

Sincerely,
Karen Knott Abitt

purplecat41877

09-10-2011, 04:28 AM

Dear Ms. Knott Abitt,

We can't allow pets in our store for safety reasons. Therefore, all of your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

C. H. Ina
Manager

Dear Jewelry Store Manager,

I was in your store deciding on some jewelry to buy when one of your rude employees made a closing announcement. This made me feel rushed so I shoved your earring and necklace displays to the floor and stormed out. I demand you make your employees stop the closing announcements so important customers like me can take as much time as we want. It's not like your workers have anywhere to go. They live to serve customers like me. If you don't stop these closing announcements, I will take as much jewelry from your store as I want and not pay for it.

Sincerely,

Leah Sure

Iseeyouthere

09-16-2011, 01:14 PM

Dear Miss Leah Sure.

Enclosed in this letter is a bill for the damages you caused to our earring and necklace display. Failure to pay for the damages will result in legal action. \
Further more, the closing announcements are in place to inform all customers that the store is closing. If you were unable to find what you need, you are more than welcome to return another day.

Police have been notified to your threats to steal from our store.

Sincerely,
Bree Jewelled.

---------

ToComputerStoreOwner.Iwasdownloadingsomemusicwhenm ylaptopdecidedtostopthedownload.Somethingaboutitbe ing"illegal".Downloadingmusicisn'tillegal.SoIthrewmylaptopagai nstthewallandstompedonitafewtimesbecauseitwasastup idhunkofjunkinthefirstplace.NowIcan'tusetheenteror spacebarkeys.Itriedtoreturnitbutyourstupidemployee ssaiditwasn'tunderwarrentyandIhadtopayfortherepair s.Iwantafreelaptopreplacementforthetroubleyourempl oyeescausedmeandalsoforyoutopayfortherepairstomywa llthatyourstupidlaptopcausedwhenIthrewitagainstthe wall.Andthenewlaptopbetterbeunbreakable!!Sincerely ,WalloTexCritsu

(To Computer Store Owner.
I was downloading some music when my laptop decided to stop the download.Something about it being "illegal". Downloading music isn't illegal. So I threw my laptop against the wall and stomped on it a few times because it was a stupid hunk of junk in the first place.

Now I can't use the enter or space bar keys. I tried to return it but your stupid employees said it wasn't underwarrenty and I had to pay for the repairs. I want a free laptop replacement for the trouble your employees caused me and also for you to pay for the repairs to my wall that your stupid laptop caused when I threw it against the wall. And the new laptop better be unbreakable!!

Sincerely,
Wallo Tex Critsu)

Grape The Cat

09-17-2011, 01:26 PM

Dear Wallo Tex Critsu,
Downloading music can indeed be illegal if you do not pay for it. In addition your computer was out of warranty by three years when you contacted our employees. In addition your admitted actions caused the problems with the computer it was not defective. Therefore we will not give you a new "unbreakable" laptop as none would survive the abuse you put this one through. We will also not pay for the damage to your wall. If you want your computer repaired you'll have to pay for it. By the way we have forwarded your letter to the police and the FBI who will be interested in your illegal downloads of music.
Sincerely,

Chip Motherboard
Owner Motherboard Computers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear food store:
I was in your location and I was offended deeply!!!! First of all you have shirts for a team I don't like. Second of all you have no New York Times. I am not illiterate like the rest of your shoppers and all of peasant workers. Not having the New York Times is discrimination against New Yorkers and Intelligent people!!!Second of all I found fried chicken at your deli. Only inbred hicks like fried chicken it is offensive to me as a New Yorker to have to see that. In addition, I asked how to get to New York City from this hick backwater illiterate town and none of your illiterate sales clerks were able to tell me!!! I demand that you carry the New York Times educate your employees and only have t-shirts of teams I like!!! I have an IQ of 146 and if you do not do these things and give me a $5,000 gift card for my troubles i will report you to the NEW YORK media.
Sincerely,
Gene Yuss-Snob

purplecat41877

09-21-2011, 04:46 AM

Dear Mr. Yuss-Snob,

Those items are very popular with our regular customers and we don't have a spot to put a New York Times. If you want to know how to get to New York, go to a computer store and buy a GPS.

Sincerely,

IQ184,

Manager

Dear Fast Food Restaurant Manager,

I went through your drive thru and ordered a coffee. When I took a sip, it spilled on me and burned my lap. I had to go to work with a stained outfit and drink horrible coffee at work since I threw the coffee that burned me out the window. If you don't put warnings on the cup that the drink will be hot, I will sue you and set fire to your restaurant.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Coffee

Grape The Cat

09-21-2011, 08:06 PM

Dear Mrs. Coffee:
We already have warnings that our coffee is hot, they are quite prominent, in fact. Also our employee told you that it was a from a fresh pot and very hot. We did warn you as to the high temperature of your coffee, but you did not listen. Also when you through the coffee out the window you threw it into the employee's face. Thank you for identifying yourself, you ar now banned from the store and we have informed the police of you arson threat.
Sincerely,
Maxwell House
manager
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Credit card company.
I tried to pay my bill like a good patriotic American, and when i called you help center to dispute a charge your nasty worker hunged up on me!!! When I called again I got a different service rep. who could not help me and sounded like she was from Jermanee. I was on hold for 62 hours while for a superviser who also couldn't help me, becauz she said the charges were from eight years ago. What kind of nonsense is that?? Also your workers are harassing me on a consumer message board and have prevented me from going to the meedeyah. I will boycott you until i am able to get the carged reversed and an upgrade to a platynumm
card.
Sincerely,

Deb Tore

Iseeyouthere

10-03-2011, 04:20 PM

Dear Miss Tore,

We are sorry to hear about your recent experiences. However, the charges filed against you are dating to years ago. Therefore, until you pay off this charge and the several you currently owe us, we are declining your cards and filing a lawsuit.

P.S Learn to spell.

Sincerely,
Ree Padee

---------------
Dear Video Game store,
I was in the store the other day when I saw a few games I wanted. I also noticed that there was a sale on which was: Buy one game, get the second one free.
I went up to the counter with 4 games I wanted, which were, along with their prices:
Sonic: Never says die - $35
Call of Duty: Future Warfare - $70
Grand Theft Auto: Space Edition - $65
World of Warcraft: War of the Angry kobolds expansion pack - $40

I was going to pay the $75 for the two games (Sonic and Warcraft) and get the other two free as part of the sale. But your stupid employee on duty told me that I would get the lower priced one for free and would have to pay $135.
How DARE they try and rip me off. It was only fair that I threw the all the cases off the selves and stomped on them because they were trying to rip me off.
I demand you give me all the games I want for free and a free game each month because I was almost ripped off.

Sincerely,
Faile Scom the Third.

P.S I also demand you pay my bail out of jail because of the false arrest made against me for this.

Nurian

10-07-2011, 02:30 AM

Mr. Faile Scome the Third,

Thank you for your patronage at our store. Please know that we value every customer's experience as an opportunity to improve.

As to your complaint, if you had bothered to RTFM , or sign in this case, it clearly states that only 1 BOGO is offered to a customer at a time and the fine print, written in not so fine print, indicates that the lower priced game is the one for free.

To put it in words you understand: j00 failz, OMG!!!11
Also, we will not be reimbursing you for legal fees as we have no desire to deprive Sarge of his favorite shower toy.

Sincerely,
Mr. Ban Hammer

Dear "Customer Satisfaction" Hag,

I walked into your store and thanks to your BAD SELECTION, I couldn't find anything I wanted to pay for. I was on my way out when you Security troll grabbed me by the neck and frog marched me to the office and accused me of stealing! Yes, I tried on the shirt, but I left it in the room. That OX must have reattached those tags to MY SHIRT!
So now, I'm in jail, my reputation is ruined and I had to drop out of classes because of YOUR INABILITY TO HIRE HONEST EMPLOYEES!
I want the shirt, my legal fees reimbursed and the security guard drawn and quartered. Then MAYBE I'll consider not suing you.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

Ima Dumass

purplecat41877

10-14-2011, 05:29 PM

Dear Ms. Dumass,

Our cameras confirmed that you did steal from our store. Therefore, we're denying all of your requests.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Chief of Police,

Where does you rude officer get off charging me? All I did was call 911 because the fast food restaurant I went to was out of fries. That restaurant broke the law by being out of fries when they're required to have everything on the menu in stock. I demand you drop this charge or I will come to your station and break all your first floor windows.

Sincerely,

E. M. Ergency

XCashier

10-14-2011, 11:39 PM

Dear Mr. Ergency,

If you can point out to me the exact clause in the law that states that all fast food restaurants must have everything on their menu in stock at all times, I will gladly drop the charges. I suspect you will be examining law books for a very long time.

Sincerely,
John Darme, Chief of Police

* * *

Dear VoldeMart,

My daughter used to work for you until you fired her. I don't think this was just at all, she only took a DVD, I know for a fact that many of her friends took more than just that from you!

I want you to pay my daughter's bail and give her back her job, or my family won't buy from you anymore.

Sincerely,
Ann Abler

Grape The Cat

10-16-2011, 03:45 PM

Dear Ms. Abler,
Over the week that your daughter worked for us she stole thirteen DVDs twenty-two CDs, and $500 from her register drawer. We have also fired the other employees who stole. We have video proof of your daughter's thefts, and we will not drop the charges against her, or give her her job back. We have also identified you and your family as shoplifters as well, therefore we will file charges against you and ban you from our stores.
Sincerely,
Justus Served
Loss Prevention manager
Voldemart #3434
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Dear Insurance Company,
I recently called one of your incompetent, idiotic, and rude representatives. I told her I wanted your company to pay for my taxi to and from the hospital. She said she couldn't do it. Do you know how long I have been a member? You need to pay for my taxi, as i am a high-class lady, and i do not have time to talk to people like your representative. Also i am demanding that from now on you give me free limo services for life, that you pay for all of my surgeries and give, that you fire the rude representative and give me $5,000 to make up for the trauma I suffered when i had to call a taxi myself. If you do not do these things I will report you to the media and Congress.
Sincerely,

I. Bea Asnob

purplecat41877

10-17-2011, 04:25 AM

Dear Ms. Asnob,

It's not the job of our representatives to call a taxi for you. We're also denying all of your requests.

Sincerely,

I. N. Surance,
Manager

Dear Mini Mart Manager,

I came into the store with my 4 year old daughter so she could use the restroom and your rude employee told me that the restroom was for employees only. I was steamed so I told my daughter to relieve herself on the floor which she did and then we walked out. I want this rude employee fired and a customer bathroom built. If you don't give into my demands, I will pour all of your milk on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Spoiled

Grape The Cat

10-19-2011, 07:12 PM

Dear Mrs Spoiled,
Due to limited space we do not have space for customer restrooms. However there is a 24 Hour McDonald's across the street and a 24 hour Wal-Mart down the street. We have tape of you telling your child to relieve herself in our store and we will release it to the proper authorities. If you come into our store and deliberately damage our products you will be charged with theft. Your demands are denied.
Sincerely,
Minnie Mart
owner
Minnie's Mini-mart
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Dear Drug Store,
i went into your store and I am very appalled at your level of service. First of all your rude employee asked me for a loyalty card. i don not believe in being in the system of Big Brother, and I am appalled your employee would dare ask me to be part of your soul-sucking corporate empire. Secondly when I asked for some marijuana and cocaine, your rude employee told me they were illegal. This is false advertising! You are a drug store! You should sell drugs! I later got arrested buying some drugs on the street. i demand that you stop your loyalty program and pay my legal fees because I never would have been arrested if your rude employee had served me properly I also want a $20,000 gift card to make up for the pain and humiliation of that night.
Sincerely,
Mary-Jane Coke

purplecat41877

10-30-2011, 06:02 PM

Dear Ms. Coke,

We sell prescription and over the counter legal drugs and most of our customers enjoy our loyalty program so we will not stop it. Also, the employee was right about marijuana and cocaine being illegal. We also had nothing to do with your getting arrested. Therefore, we won't be paying you anything.

Sincerely,

T. Y. Lenol
Manager

Dear School Principal,

Where do your teachers get off telling my daughter to do her homework? She is very busy with her music and doesn't have time to do homework. I demand you tell the teachers to do her homework for her. If you don't, I will hire someone to wreck your school.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mother

Grape The Cat

10-31-2011, 03:26 PM

Dear Mrs. Mother,
All students have to do their homework, it is a factor in calculating a students grade. It would not be fair to other students if your daughter did not have to do her homework. I understand that students may have other interests outside schoolwork, but we cannot make exceptions. We have reported your threat to destroy our school to the authorities.
Sincerely,

Ed U. Cates
principal
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Dear MalMart,
MY PRINCESS WAS IN YOUR STORE ON HALLOWEEN AND DRESSED UP AS THE PRINCESS THAT SHE IS!!!!!!! HOWEVER HER HALLOWEEN WAS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOUR SCROOGE EMPLOYEES!!!!!!!!! THEY DARED ONLY GIVE HER SOME CANDY!!!! EXCUSE ME???? MY PRINCESS GETS ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS!!!!!!! SHE IS A PRINCESS AND YOUR IDIOT EMPLOYEES MUST DO AS I SAY AND AS SHE SAYS!!!!!! WE ARE THE CUSTOMERS!!!!!! WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!!! ALLOW MY PRINCESS TO GET ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS, FIRE ALL EMPLOYEES WHO DON'T GIVE HER ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS AND GIVE ME A $15,000 GIFT CARD TO MAKE UP FOR THE TRAUMA MY DAUGHTER SUFFERED!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DO NOT DO THESE THINGS I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE MEDIA AND NEVER SHOP AT YOUR STORE AGAIN!!!!!!!!
SINCERELY!!!!!!!!!
MAYA DAUGHTER-SPOILED

purplecat41877

11-08-2011, 01:08 AM

Dear Ms. Daughter-Spoiled,

All children get the same amount of candy so it will last. Therefore, we will deny your requests.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout lane, put my items on the belt, and your rude employee told me she was closed. I told her that it was illegal to tell customers she was closed and that she had to ring me up. She told me it was time for her to leave and walked away so I ran after her, pulled a knife on her, and forced her to ring me up. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and arrested for committing an illegal act. I'm a lawyer and I know my stuff. If you don't do as I want, I will press charges against your employee myself.

Sincerely,

L. A. Wyer

Sarlon

11-14-2011, 04:09 AM

Dear L.A. Wyer

Thank you very kindly for bringing this to our attention. Please find enclosed a nice shiney new set of handcuffs to be personally delivered by our neighborhood policemen. You have also won a life time supply of banhammer, we will be paying a real lawyer to represent or employee whom you threatened so openly, infront of 2 cameras and 3 witnesses.

Sincerly,
Mr. R. L. Awyer

------------------------------------------

dear big name bank,

I'm simply appaled by the level of service I recieved by your call center the other night. I simply called in to see if my money had been placed on my unemployement card yet. and they had the GALL to say they had no idea when the money would be released. I told the associate that I was an important person and that they had better find out that information for me or I'd hunt her down in what ever podunk little town she lives in and kill her, then sue ALL of you for this!!!

Hatefully,
Irving Reginald Smrt

Grape The Cat

11-21-2011, 11:34 PM

Dear Mr. I. R. Smrt,
We do not know when exactly this deposit will be credited to your account because we have to make sure the funds are available in the depositor's account. Thank you for sharing your name with us, as your death threat has now been turned over to the local authorities.
Sincerely,
Nick L. Andime
Customer Service Supervisor
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Dear Food Store,
i was at one of your locations and had a most unpleasant experience. I bought some store brand clothes detergent and tried to use a coupon , your idiot employee tried to tell me that the coupon was only good for Tide. In this economy I think you should bend the rules so that people who are struggling don't have to follow insane policies. Also your cashier, who is an idiot dared ID me for my Merlot, I am not some college kid with beer, i am a smart, sophisticated lady and I do not need to show your idiot employees any ID whatsoever, when I told your idiot incompetent employee this she refused to sell me my wine. Excuse me? I am WELL above the age for buying alcohol and I am offended at the notion that your lowly employee DARE question me. To make up for the heinous injustice done to me I want a $500 gift card, the employee I dealt with fired, and a handwritten letter of apology from your CEO. If you do not give me what i demand i will spread the word on my blog and tell all my friends of your unfair and moronic policies.
Sincerely,
Della Olivia As-Isay

Kristev

11-22-2011, 03:19 AM

Dear Mrs. As-Isay,

We regret to inform you that mix-and-match for coupons simply doesn't work. We wouldn't get the reimbursement we need for the coupon from Tide if we sold you something else, then used the Tide coupon. They would tell us no, and therefore we must pass the no on to the consumer. I'm sure you understand.

And as one of my less . . . wise employees once bended to the will of a teenager who demanded wine, our license was nearly pulled. I personally fired that employee and brought in a specialist to retrain all of my cashiers on proper liquor sales. My assistant informed me that your cashier, Wanda, did exactly right and therefore she will be declared employee of the month.

As for informing the C. E. O., that would be me. If you defame us on the Internet, we will sue you for libel. Please consider yourself free to shop elsewhere, with our blessing. I will personally send you coupons from our store to use on their merchandise. :)

Cheers and have a happy day,
Crystal O'Cleary,
Crystal's vision food mart C. E. O.

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Dear Witch's Brew:

I went to your sickening store to go Christmas shopping for my family, because it was the only store in town I hadn't been to yet. Every other store in town refused to accept my seven debit cards. When I went shopping for presents to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior, what did I find in your store? Goddess worship music! And crystals! Books on how to cast spells. Tarot decks on display! Not a Christ to be seen. Not a bible in sight! And the staff there were telling people "Happy Solstice." Happy Solstice? This is Christmas, damn you! Now I demand you get rid of all that Satanic stuff you sell, fire your employees, and get good, decent, hard-working, clean-cut white Christian men! I also demand a 5,000 gift card, and to see you at my church, the Holy Cathedral of Holier Than Thou, on your knees begging forgiveness. First from me, and then from God!

Sincerely,
Father Mal Content.

purplecat41877

11-23-2011, 02:20 PM

Dear Father Content,

Our store sells witchcraft items since we are a witchcraft store. Therefore, your requests are denied and none of my staff will be attending your church.

Sincerely,

Head Witch

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to do Thanksgiving shopping. When I was checking out, your rude checker had me try out the pin pad since it broke earlier and it froze just when I was about to sign on it. To make things worse, your rude service desk employee had the nerve to ring me up for just the total. I needed the receipt to find out what I saved on each item especially the turkey and I waited in line for 40 minutes. No one knew how to do that but mentioned that my daughter, who works there but was off, might be able to figure it out. Later, the rude supervisor had the nerve to call me at home to let me know that they couldn't retrieve my original receipt. Also, she told me that my credit card might be double charged. I demand a $400 gift card, my next order for free, and the employees retrained on what to do when the register freezes or I will only shop in your store when my daughter is working.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Guineapig

RottenFruit

12-05-2011, 10:10 AM

Dear Mrs Guineapig,

unfortunately the wait times before holidays such as Thanksgiving cannot be avoided here in the United States. We do have to apologize for the inconvenience as a firmware update was installed as the firmware of the pinpads was vulnerable to a certain exploit. As such, it could not have been unfrozen even when your daughter was working there. We will attempt to make the staff aware of such updates again should the need arise to do so.

Kind regards,
C. Lone,
Store Manager

---------------------

To Whom it might concern,

I called your internet provider yesterday as the internet was broken and the representative was unimaginably rude to me. After we made the internet work again which required him to give me some technical instructions, I asked whether he thought that I was stupid as he explained that resetting something called the router helped. I am sure that he did something on his end and just led me through this ordeal because he was inept and unable to do this quickly. To that question, he just replied that he was not allowed to answer rhetorical questions. I think that this was a very rude reply, especially as it took about three hours to get me to it and constantly interrupting me talking about and to my cats to do more of that technical stuff. I demand this technician to be fired and a handwritten apology from him.

Regards,
M. Moron

Kristev

12-10-2011, 08:02 AM

Dear Mr. Moron,

I am dreadfully sorry to break the news to you, but the employee to whom you refer is in the hospital. You see, you literally talked his ear off, and we had to call in a medical team to save his life from the blood loss. Then we had to call in a janitorial team that specializes in disaster cleanup, to take care of the massive blood all over our call center.

Review of his call with you is impossible because our computer systems were ruined by the blood. But we can extrapolate, because his nearest co-worker and the new girl he was training were sitting beside your cust. service rep, and told us the vast majority of the inane babble you call conversation. She required headache relief pills - 8 of them. He required a martini, and a shot of vodka, and a . . .

Therefore, our union will not allow me to fire the poor employee, and instead demands his medical bills be covered to the penny. We also require recoupment to replace our technical equipment.

So I hereby gladly send you a bill for two million dollars. The majority of it is medical bills. Please ensure direct payment within two weeks.

Angel Ickboss, Vice President of Operations,
Swiftwind Internet Service.

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Dear Cat's Meow Pet Supply:

I went into your store the other day, and was greatly offended by three of your employees, Catherine, Leo, and Felix. I'd visited your store a couple of other times while price-shopping, and decided to go in and make a purchase because I liked your low prices. I also noticed that your store allows people to bring in their pets. But the only pets I ever see are cats.

So I came in with my dog, Killer, a pit bull. No, he didn't have a leash on him. He goes everywhere with me, but when I came into the store, do you know what happened? First, Killer went after some of the cats, which was good clean fun. But then a group of cats stood up, and slapped him. Repeatedly! They seriously hurt my Killer, as if they didn't want him there! And your employee, Catherine, came over to Killer, and she removed the cats from him. Yes, she did get her hand scratched up, but I don't care. That's her job! Do you know what she said? "Please get that dog out of here!" Can you believe it! The utter gall? I've never been insulted in my entire life!

But I didn't have to get Killer out. The cats all ganged up on him again and chased him out. A Siamese even continued to beat up on my poor little pit bull until he jumped into the car to get away from her! When I tried to shout at the cat owners, they shouted back at me, told me my dog had scared their innocent little masters! Well I never!

So I stormed over to Leo and demanded to speak to a manager. He said you were out to lunch and would be back in a few minutes. He offered to take my phone number, but I just pushed him down into a decorative fish tank most of the cats in the store were watching!

I asked another employee, Felix, where the dog food was, and he said your store only sells cat things! How disgusting! I am so offended I can't stand it! Then Catherine comes to me and says she's called the police and the ambulance. That made me feel better, until the policeman showed up. All the cat owners told the cop that they saw me push Leo into the fish tank. So I ran from the store and got into the car. I saw the ambulance and tried to give them Killer, but the paramedic said she wasn't interested in a dog. She was there to help a man who'd been badly cut by broken glass. The cops came out, looking for me, so I got into my car and drove away.

I've never been so insulted in my whole life! I demand Killer's vet bills for the scratches be paid to the penny, and a lifetime supply of your best dog food! If you don't do this, I'm going straight to the press! My nephew's ex-girlfriend's brother is a lawyer and my hairdresser's daughter's husband is a t. v. reporter!

Signed Mrs. Luna Tick the third.

purplecat41877

12-12-2011, 02:12 AM

Dear Mrs. Tick,

Enclosed is a bill for the damage of the fish tank and the injuries of our 2 employees. Also, if you want dog food, go to a dog store since you're no longer welcome here. Also, we are pressing charges so expect a visit from the police sometime soon. Enjoy your time in prison.

Sincerely,

K. Itten
Manager

Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I came to your store to buy a tote and also put several other items in the tote. When I got to the checkout, your rude checker had the nerve to open the tote and ring up the items inside. I should've gotten them for free since I could fit them in the tote. I demand you train your employees to trust your customers by not looking in the totes or I will open all of your paint cans and throw the paint all over the store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sneaky

Redbeard

12-12-2011, 11:31 PM

To the dear Mrs Sneaky,
Ma'am, this isn't Fallout: New Vegas. I would suggest increasing your anti psychotic meds while searching for another store to shop at.

We know where you live,
Ham R N'screws, CEO
The Hardware store

My dear peon,
As you know, I pay for your service, therefore I am your lord and master.
how DARE you tell me that I am unable to order "Miss Kitties whips and tails for nauty boys" on PPV simply because I am 113 days past due on my bill! The NERVE of it all!
As you know, I pay more per month than you make in a year, I know so becasue I read it on the intertubes.
Now do something about this IMMIDATELY!

Yrs,
William S.Cammer

XCashier

12-13-2011, 05:50 AM

Dear William S. Cammer,

We will be more than happy to rectify the situation. As of now, your cable TV is canceled. Enjoy your blank screen!

Sincerely,
Kay Bull-Teevee, president
ID-10-T-Box Television

* * * * *

dear mcdonalds,

i got a Happy Meel with a toy i didnt want so i asked the employee for another toy in the display and she sed they werr out but the toy wuz in the dispaly so why did she say they werr out thats not fare i asked agin and agin and she kept sayin they werr out so i want my monee bak and i want that toy gimme that toy

sinseerlee,
Ken Nott-Listen

purplecat41877

12-23-2011, 06:08 AM

Dear Mr. Nott-Listen,

The display toys are only for display and your refund is denied. However, we will let you know when we get in the toy you requested.

Sincerely,

B. Urger
Manager

Dear Zoo Owner,

I was recently in your zoo and enjoyed looking at the animals. However, your rude employees displayed horrible customer service. They refused to give me a straw and gave the excuse of not being allowed to have them. The drink spilled on me when I tried to take a sip so I took off my dress right then and there. One of them had the nerve to call security and have me ejected from the zoo. I demand you retrain your employees on customer service and give me a free pass for life or I will release all the animals.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Straw

kansasgal

01-02-2012, 02:15 AM

Dear Ms. Straw;

I have scanned the video of you in the zoo on the day that you mentioned. As you were by the elephant exhibit, we had to escort you out as the male elephants were trying to climb the fence to get to you. I'm sure you understand that mating season is now upon us and we do need to be careful about these things.

Sincerely,

I.M. Manager

Dear Grocery Store;

I was in your store yesterday and I bought some nuts, they were supposed to be broken walnut pieces but there were WHOLE nuts! I cannot eat WHOLE nuts! I can only eat BROKEN nuts! Why did you lie to me about the nuts? I demand groceries for life for the trauma of having to see WHOLE nuts! I have never seen WHOLE nuts before and it has left me blind!

Ms. Nut Eater

Redbeard

01-02-2012, 04:24 AM

My dear Mrs Nutball..I mean EATER, NUT EATER.
I fear for the well being of your husband.
We have started a "Save the nuts" fund, please stop by any time and let us know the name of your family doctor.

YRS,
Manny Ger

Dear Books R Them
The nerve telling me that I can't smoke in the childrens section on "Read to asthmatic 4 year olds day"! That was one of my most favorite cigar,meant to be enjoyed by everyone within 100 yards!
Obviously your storytellers, security, manager, assistant manager and the police officers that were summoned are all wrong and I'm right.
Please do something about this or I will hold my breath until I turn blue!
Mr I Spendy Dolla

Kristev

01-04-2012, 03:00 PM

Dear Mr. I Spendy Dolla,

You not only sent two children and one parent to the hospital with your careless smoking in our bookstore, you also set our sci-fi section on fire by carelessness. It is lucky for everyone that we keep a fire extinquisher. And by the way, did you know smoking inside of most public buildings had been banned? Well now you do. I am delighted to send you a bill for the books you ruined, in the amounts of two thousand dollars.

Signed Professor Joy De'Livre,
Owner of Undiscovered Treasures fine, rare, and vintage bookshop.

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Dear Manager of Pizza Heaven,

Your store should be renamed Pizza Hell! On Christmas Eve, I called your pizza shop to have a delivery of ten Super-special pizzas sent to my house to take advantage of your great Christmas sale. But twenty minutes passed, and I simply had to go out and hit the big sale I heard about at the Little Shop of Horrors before the last of the Christmas bargains were all sold out! The t. v. said so! I needed to do my Christmas shopping anyway. When I come back, there is no pizza there. My six-year old daughter was home, alone, and she said you wouldn't take the check I wrote because she didn't have an i. d. Those pizzas were the dinner for my family for Christmas! I'll bet your good for nothing teenage pimple-faced delivery boy ate my whole pizza order himself! I was only gone for three hours buying my Christmas presents. I want my pizzas! I want them now! And I want them free! Make this right or I will call the radio station during the customer-fightback hour and tell everybody exactly what kind of business you run! How dare your brainless teenage boy not wait for me to be home, not take my check, and ask my daughter where her mother was! You ruined my Christmas. We all had to starve! My daughter never did get dinner, and when my relatives arrived later that night to stay in my house, no one was able to eat all Christmas Day, either! And I expect you to compensate me, because my ex-wife is now trying to get full custody of my daughter! Fix this, right now, or I'll get you but good!

Signed Mr. D. M. Bunny.

purplecat41877

01-07-2012, 02:29 AM

Dear Mr. Bunny,

We require an adult to be present at the home when deliveries are made. Also, it was your own fault that you went shopping instead of waiting for the pizza. The employee who tried to deliver your pizzas returned them to the store untouched. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

P. Izza
Manager

Dear Computer Store Owner,

I recently came into your store and there was an employee in a wheelchair at one of the checkouts. When I demanded a manager, a lady came over claiming to be the manager even though that's a man's position. I demand you fire all the women and the man in the wheelchair and hire only men that don't have any disabilities whatsoever. If you don't, I will take my business to a computer store that only hires men that can walk and talk like normal people.

Sincerely,

D. I. Scriminate

JustaCashier

01-08-2012, 01:40 AM

Dear Mr. Scrimnate,

I do not regret to inform you that I will not grant your request. Why not? Well, not only is your attitude blatantly discriminatory, but I would have to fire myself, as well, twice.

You see, not only am I female, but legally blind as well. (Are you laughing at the irony of my using the phrase "you see"?)

Now, I suppose you wonder how I am able to correspond with you. Are you guessing that I have a male assistant to read my e-mails, and I dictate a reply? Oh, wait, secretarial is a female job, isn't it?

You see, *snerk* with the wonders of modern technology, such as text-to-voice translation software, and Braille keyboards, I am able to function as capably as a non vision impaired person.

Now, I suppose, you are having a hard time believing that someone "like me" can communicate in such an intelligent manner. Well, I'm proud to say that I graduated at the top of my Business Administration class at a prestigious College, and that my store has been repeatedly recognized as a sales leader and customer satisfaction leader with in our large company, since I took over management of it five years ago. My "disabilities" and my employees "disabilities" not-withstanding.

Sincerely,
Ima Moore-Abledthanyu
Computer Store Manager

============================

Dear Animal Control Supervisor,

Recently I was visiting a local park with my precious dog, Fido.

I know there are signs all over stating that by City Law, all dogs must be leashed and under control at all times, and that there is an off-leash dog park about a mile away.

I don't believe that Fido should be leashed, as I have him under voice control at all times and he always minds me perfectly.

I have to say that I am extremely appalled at the conduct of your sub-ordinate, Officer Leashem. He had the unmitigated gall to cite me for having my dear Fido off leash, when someone else walking their dog on-leash, called and made a complaint against me.

This other person was all in a tizzy when my large, loving, playful Fido ran up to play with her little ankle biter. I am also upset that Officer Leashem didn't cite the other owner for attacking my Fido. (The other owner claims "self-defense", which Officer Leashem agreed with, and I am pursuing a Civil Suit against her). My Fido just wanted to play!!!!!!!1111111

If you don't fire Officer Leashem right away, and take back any pay and benefits he has received retroactive to the date of this incident, I will notify the Mayor, and you will be out of a job as well! (I have influence, as I have voted for this Mayor both times he has run for office, and I know he remembers me waving a sign at his rallies).

Sincerely,
Dee Laws-Dontapplytome

purplecat41877

01-15-2012, 06:05 AM

Dear Ms. Laws-Dontapplytome,

All dogs must be on a leash for safety reasons. Also, we have promoted Officer Leashem to Liuetenant.

Sincerely,

A. N. Imal

Animal Control Supervisor

Dear Bank Manager,

I needed cash to take my girlfriend out for a special dinner so I came to your bank to get some money. I asked for $200 and your rude teller had the nerve to have me verify my information instead of giving me the money. It's illegal for the bank to not give customers the money they ask for. I want this rude teller fired and arrested or I will burn your bank vault.

Sincerely,

B. R. Oke

Sarlon

01-16-2012, 11:36 PM

Dear B. R. Oke,

I am sorry to inform you that due to the threatening nature of your letter I am formally repsonding on behalf of 8th National Bank in reguards to your arson threat. As you may not know threatening a bank is a federal offense. Please present yourself to the federal court house for booking and confinement, in 2 days hence. Failure to do so will be met with immediate force.

Sincerely,
Agent K. Butt

-------------------------------------------

Dear manager of big box store,
I went into your store to buy my new tv. I had to wait OVER 4 hours for someone to come ask if I needed any help then was gone for anoter HOUR! just to come back and tell me that you have not carried that TV in 6 years!

your RUDE employee dared to tell me that the AD I had brought in for the sale was out of date...ok...maybe a day or so...but thats not the point!!!

I DEMAND the employee properly trained, a written and verbal appology from the manager, owner and the employee! as well as a $5000 gift card AND a comparable TV!!!!!!!!

signed:
Elvis Presley

Lace Neil Singer

01-19-2012, 01:47 AM

Dear Mr Presley,

We all thought you were dead and are pleased to see that it's not the case. However, the IRS are very interested and we thought it best to pass on your address to them. Have a nice life.

Mr Manager.

~~~

Dear manager of Crapcinema,

I wanted to take my daughter Cznofla'ke to see the new showing of the latest Disney film for her eleventh birthday. When we showed up, the clerk had the utter nerve to say to us that the movie was sold out. I demand a gift card and ample compensation for your employee utterly ruining my daughter's birthday. She cried all the way home cuz of your cruelty. Rest assured, I will be contacting the local paper.

Yours, Mrs Cantplanahead.

MoonCat

01-19-2012, 03:06 AM

Dear Ms Cantplanahead,

Your request is denied. Please find enclosed a copy of the latest DVD's R Us catalog, from which you can henceforth order any movie you want to watch--at home, where your inability to use common sense will not inconvenience anyone else. Oh, and my sympathies to your daughter for having you for a mother.

Sincerely,
Ms. Hearditbefore, Manager of Mytown Cinema

_____

Dear Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes,

Like the other day my friend and I were, like, shopping at your store, and we had like 25 things we wanted to try on, but ur bitchy saleswoman who was really old, like probably 40 OMG, well anyway she said we couldn't take more than 3 things in the fitting room. Well that's just like really stupid!! What does she thing we're going to do steal stuff OMG!! Just cuz we had like 12 things each I think thats 25 total right? Anyway so what? I spend a lot of money in ur store and I should be allowed to try on whatever I want and not get yelled at for leaving clothes on the floor, OMG ur like my mother!!!!!111 And it was really not cool to call the security people on us, just because we knocked over a couple of racks of ur crappy clothes I mean I was mad right? So what? So I want a gift card for like $10,000 and I want that old lady fired, she's too old to work in a store that sells stuff that I would wear!!!

Signed, Winnie Whiner

Eireann

01-19-2012, 11:15 AM

Dear Winnie,

We are delighted to hear from you again! We thought that your parents had moved out of state, taking you with them, or had sent you to yet another school for problem children. Now, we discover that you have just turned eighteen years old, and we can take legal action against you for the damage you caused to our store. You see, Winnie, we have kept records of your actions in our store for several years now, waiting with bated breath for the day you achieved your eighteenth birthday. We even had a betting pool going, because many of the staff didn't believe you would live that long, your behavior being what it is.

Well, Winnie, happy birthday! You are banned from our store for life, and we are taking legal action against you and your friend (did you think we wouldn't know who she was, when the two of you scream to each other across the store every time you enter it?).

We are pleased to charge you with a multitude of offenses, and we want you to know that we have had a loud, joyous party to celebrate getting you out of our hair (as befits a louse).

By the way, Winnie, I don't know who is reading this to you, but I hope it's someone who can pronounce the words correctly, and who understands them. This leaves out the person who created (for lack of a better word) the email you sent us.

Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes

----------------------------------------------------

I WANT TO CMPLANE ABOUT UR STORE AT 10 AND BRNSIDE THEY SAID ITS A BOKSTORE BUT I SAW FOOD IN THEIR ITS NOT FOR BOOKS ITS A RETSARANT SO I TOOK MY 5 KIDS FOR LUNCH IN THER BUT THE MANGER SHE SAYD HER NAMES RONDA SAID MY KIDS HAD TO BE COTNROLED AND THEY CULDNT RUN AROND IM LIKE HELLO THEIR KIDS WHAT DO U EPXECT AND THIS GIRL RONDA SAID THIS IS A BOKSTOR THEY CANT DO THAT HER AND IM LIKE NO ITS NOT ITS A RETSAURANT SHE SAID NO THIS IS A CAFE IM LIKE DUH ITS THE SAME THING. SHES LIKE GET THEM OUT THEIR DESTROING BOOKS IM LIKE DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY KIDS ITS NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ALL HAVE DIFRENT DADS DONT U NO ABUT IDETNIY CRISSIS? SHES LIKE I NO U AND U GO ALL OVER TOWN BITCHING ABUT STORES IM LIKE YEH WHAT ABOUT IT BITCH? SHES LIKE DONT USE THAT LAGNAGE IM LIKE I CAN TAUK HOW IT WANT ITS A FREE CUNTRY U A TERRIST? SHES LIKE I RED ABOUT U AND WE DONT WANT U IN HERE TAKE UR KIDS AND GO. IM LIKE YOU CANT MAKE ME GO SHES LIKE YES I CAN. IM LIKE OKAY DO IT AND SHE CALLS THE PLICE! YOU DONT CALL POLIC ON ME U JUST DONT AND MY KIDS WERE CRING AND SHE DIDNT CARE. SO THE COPS CAME AND ARSTED ME AND SOME LADY TOOK MY KIDS AND I DINT NO WHEIR. I WANT U TO GIVE ME 1000000000 FOR WHAT HAPNED AND FIRE THE MANGER AND MY KIDS WHERE IN HOMES WHEIR THEY HAD TO EAT REAL FOOD AND HAVE CLEAN CLOSE AND THEY HAD THER OWN BEDS AND THEY WERE SPOILD WHEN I GOT THEM BAK AND U NEED TO GIV ME SUMTHING FOR THAT TO.

XCashier

01-20-2012, 04:49 AM

Dear Manda,

Wow, I thought you were an Urban Myth! I guess you're real after all. That certainly explains the hellacious mess and my stressed out assistant manager, Ronda.

As for your request for "1000000000", well, you didn't specify what you wanted a billion of, so we'll be pouring one billion pebbles over your greasy head should you and your barbarian horde ever set foot in our establishment again.

Very sincerely,
Steele Backbone, store manager, Burnside Books and Cafe

* * *

Dear Chamber of Commerce,

I went to the local Nationwide Fabric Store to buy some fabric. I demanded the peon make multiple cuts of each of my fifteen different bolts of fabric that I am making into the most exquisite quilt. Well, the little prole behind the counter refused, saying it was against store policy and would hold up the line!

I could not believe it! I'm certain those twelve people waiting in line behind me wouldn't mind me getting my fabric specially cut, since I'm of much higher social standing than all of them put together, and especially the guttersnipes behind the counter! I informed them that I would be writing a letter of complaint, and here it is! I demand that you do something about it, for I am the customer and the center of the universe and my demands must be catered to!

Sincerely,
Ann Flayted-Ego

Lace Neil Singer

01-21-2012, 01:09 PM

Dear Ms Flayted-Ego,

I feel that it's time for a little science lesson. You see, contrary to your own particular beliefs, the sun is the centre of the galaxy and not you. Also, I fail to see how losing twelve customers counts against losing just one, you. So goodbye, and feel free to visit their rival fabric shop, which is twice as expensive as Nationwide are so will therefore not have any queues at all.

I feel I must inform you that my wife's best friend runs Nationwide and is an extremely pleasant lady, not to mention an excellent businesswoman so I feel that telling you this is doing her a favour.

Yours insincerely,
Head of Chamber of Commerce.

~~~

Dear Manager of Crapmart,

I recently visited your store with my two children, Preshush and Speshul. I was appalled and disgusted to find that you only had five "Mother and child" parking places and that they were in the middle of the carpark, which is just not good enough. I am a mother and therefore I am the most important person in the entire universe and should not have to walk two yards to get to the supermarket. Also, two people who were almost certainly not mothers were parked either side of me, making it difficult for me to get my Giganticpointless brand stroller out of my SUV.

Imagine my disgust when I finally got to the entrance to see that you had eight disabled parking places right outside. Those lazy disabled people can surely walk a few more yards; most of them aren't really disabled anyway and are probably just using it as an excuse to skive off work. I demand that you put more "Mother and child" parking places where your disabled spaces are now, and put the disabled places on the other side of the carpark.

Yours,
Mrs N. Titledmom

purplecat41877

01-22-2012, 07:46 AM

Dear Mrs. Titledmom,

You're not any more important than the other mothers that shop at our store. Also, the disabled spaces need to be near the store since some of our customers are really disabled and can't walk great distances.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Book Publishing Company Manager,

Where do you get off not publishing my book? All I did was send it in without using punctuation or spaces since that's the job of your editors. I demand you tell the editors to edit my book or they'll be fired. If you don't, I will hack into your website and download a horrible virus.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Runonsentence

Grape The Cat

01-26-2012, 06:32 PM

Dear Ms. Runonsentence:
While our editors do edit manuscripts, they have no obligation to publish every submission that comes that they receive. Your manuscript did not make the cut because of the grammatical and spelling errors. Your threat to hack into our computer system has been reported to the authorities.
Sincerely,
Reed Moore
CEO Moore & Moore Publishing
-----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR PUB:
HOW DARE YOU NOT WELCOME MY WEDDING PARTY!!!!! I HAD 67 PEOPLE AND WE WOULD HAVE SPENT A OF MONEY, MORE MONEY THAN THE KIDS DRINKING PINTS THAT YOU REFUSED TO MOVE. HOW DARE YOU!!!!!! I AM A BRIDE AND THIS IS MY WEDDING AND YOUR PUB NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE ME!!!!! YOUR RUDE AND ABUSIVE MANAGER TOLD US WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED AHEAD. HELLO? THIS IS A PUB WHO CALLS AHEAD FOR A PUB????? I DEMAND A FREE MEALS FOR ALL MY WEDDING PARTY AND THAT THE MANAGER BE FIRED!!! YOU RUINED MY WEDDING!!!! IF YOU DON'T DO AS I DEMAND I WILL CALL THE MEDIA!!!
SINCERELY!!!!
MADISON MCBRIDE

MoonCat

02-03-2012, 12:59 AM

Dear Ms. McBride,
Our establishment is happy to welcome wedding parties, provided they give us enough notice so that we can prepare for them. Perhaps next time you won't make assumptions. We're sure there will be a next time, since by now your husband has figured out what you're really like.

Sincerely,
Mr. I. M. Awesome, Manager of Pub in the Park

---

Dear Towing Company aka Car Thieves!!

I live at the Expensive Gardens Apartment Complex and the other night I couldn't park in my spot because some lowlife parked there. So I parked across the street because there were lots of spaces at the Middling Pricey Apartments. And then one of YOUR tow drivers had the NERVE to tow my car! And even more nerve to demand I pay over a hundred dollars to get my own car back!! He had the gall to tell me I should have reported the person who parked in my spot, but why should that be MY responsibility!? And then I would have had to wait around until they came and towed that other car, and it was cold and windy outside. I'm a delicate flower and I can't be expected to endure such harsh conditions. I demand a full refund of my money and you should fire that tow driver!!

Ms. Epic Whiner

purplecat41877

02-08-2012, 10:36 AM

Dear Ms. Whiner,

We reserve the right to tow any car that doesn't have permission to be at that particular location so your money won't be refunded. Also, we have promoted the tow truck driver and gave him a raise.

Sincerely,

Mr. Towcar
Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store with my 8 year old daughter so she could buy some candy as a reward for getting a perfect score on her math test. However, I was steamed when your rude employee told my daughter that she needed to wait in line. I demand you tell your employees to ring up children the second they come to the checkout since they're not as patient as adults. If you don't, I will take all your egg cartons and throw them all over the store.

Sincerely,

P. R. Ecious

Grape The Cat

02-08-2012, 03:34 PM

Dear P.R. Ecious:
Your daughter is to wait in line like everybody else. If a customer allows her to go in front of them that is fine . However, We cannot allow people, whatever their age, to cut in line. Your threat to destroy merchandise in our store has been noted, and you are hereby banned from all our locations.
Sincerely,
Patience S. Virtue
CEO Food Tiger Markets
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Pharmacy:
I was appalled at the level of service at one of your stores, when I , a loyal shopper for over twenty-five years went to your store. I went to the register and asked for a pack of cigarettes. Your rude, idiotic, inbred, uneducated, freak of an employee asked for my ID. Hello? I don't give anybody my ID!!! I am a loyal customer for twenty-five years!!! I don't need to show your employee ID!!! They are probably identity thieves anyway as only lowlifes with no education would work at a store like this. I demand that you fire this lowlife, and give me free cigarettes whenever I come to your store. I shop and drink wine with the mayor's wife, so if you do not do as I demand I will tell her and all the other woman in my circle all of whom are married to important men. I will also tell the media and write about your horrendous uneducated thugs on my blog.
Sincerely,
Helena Handbag

Sarlon

02-08-2012, 11:27 PM

Dead Mrs Handbag,

just by the tone of your letter I can understand why our loyal cashier carded you, are act as if you are a child of 4.

as for our cashier? he is paying his way through medical school and has great promise for a long career, specializing in rectal/cranial reversion.

sincerely,
dr. dolittle
--------------------

Dear call center for my credit card!

I am SIMPLY appalled by the gumstion your rude agent gave me in level of service! I acknowledge that it was my mistake the I over drafted my account by $5, but I mailed a check to your main branch in my town to bring the balance over the negative!

after 2 weeks of waiting my account is STILL in the negative, my money order for $50 is missing, and your RUDE agent had the balls to tell me that my card is only sponsered by the bank not an actual bank account!

oh and your rude employee was trying to STEAL my information! she kept asking for my social security number to pull up my account, even though I did not have my card number! I mean I'm using my friends phone, and NEVER give information like that over the phone because someone will steal my information, like your employee....she kept telling me that I had to mail the money to their department to get my account out of the negative, and that because I used a money order to pay to get my account out of the negative they have no idea where my money is!

I DEMAND you refund my $50 to my card to bring it out of the negative, AND fire the employee!

signed:
Ima Whiner

(except for demanding me being fired, this story is true....from just tonight)

purplecat41877

02-16-2012, 08:45 AM

Dear Ms. Whiner,

The employee needed your social to verify that the account was yours and she was right about having to mail the money to the department. Therefore, we will not refund your money nor fire the employee.

B. Ank
Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout where an employee was ringing up another employee, told him to stop ringing her up and check me out, and he had the nerve to tell me that she was first. You need to train your checkers to not ring up employees when there are customers. Your employees are there to serve me and customers come first. If you continue to allow your checkers to ring up employees and not stop the order when a customer comes to the line, I will start a fire in the back of the store.

Sincerely,

S. P. Ecial

Lace Neil Singer

02-16-2012, 02:06 PM

Dear Ms Ecial,

Feel free to start a fire in the store; we are fully insured and the local fire station is only just round the corner. However, I doubt that you would enjoy the free ride to the local police station that you would receive, or the free pair of metal bracelets for committing an act of arson. Then again, it's unlikely you'll ever get the chance, as I have personally banned you from ever entering my store again.

Yours insincerely,

Mr Store Owner.

~~~

Dear manager of CheapoClothes,

I was recently in your store when my six year old daughter needed to go to the loo. True, she first asked to go about half an hour ago, but I was busy shopping. I asked your manager if Preshush could use the staff loo; the manager had the audacity to refuse and say she could lose her job if she let my daughter go out back. I am shocked and appalled, as the manager is obviously implying that Preshush is a thief. I demand compensation and for the manager to be tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail.

Yours,

Mrs Helen Highwater.

Kristev

02-27-2012, 08:45 AM

Dear Mrs. Highwater,

How can you be so insensitive? When your daughter needs to go to the loo, you should go take her? Shopping can wait. The bathroom can't. I should know, since I'm a diabetic.

As for why the manager disallowed your daughter from going to the bathroom, I asked Charity about this, and on the day that you were shopping, we had the electrician in to do some repairs to our faulty wiring. Your daughter, wandering back their on her own, could have been severely hurt. She was trying to protect your daughter from harm. Nobody accused you of anything until Davey, our part-time sales rep, noticed you slipped a shirt in your purse and attempting to walk out without paying for it. He said the lavender shirt was sticking out of your black and white purse and it made a ghastly color combination he would never wear. And as Charity pointed out to you, we have a public restroom at the front of the store. You simply said it wasn't good enough because there was a paper towel on the floor.

Since you like that shirt so much, you can have it, along with the makeup you also attempted to swipe, but left open. The shirt, I should warn you now, is no longer lavender anymore. Now it's color is . . . well, it's lavender here and it's beige there and it's olive green there and . . . You can also have one our most special cards. The B. A. N. Program card. Just show it to the first employee you see when you come to our store and they'll know what to do.

As for having Charity tarred, feathered, or run out of town on a rail, I would never do that! Even if I wanted to, my wife would kill me, as Charity is our eldest daughter. This is a family business, you see. Even Davey is a member of our family. He married my son, Courage.

So, have a nice day.

Mr. Justice & Mrs. Mercy Forthright,
Owner & Co-owner of CheapoClothes, discount fashions for the underpriviledged but deserving.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Queen of Spades Restaraunt:

My son, my daughter and I were going out for our shopping trip as I do every Saturday morning. During the four hours that we were at Voldemart, my children became hungry and demanded I buy them lunch. So after my shopping there was done an hour later, I left with them. Well, as I was driving to the next place I intended to shop at, my children saw your restaraunt out the window. Since I'd never set foot inside your restaraunt before, I decided I wanted to try it. So I drove in, and we placed an order. Did you know your restaraunt reminds me of a pack of cards? Why did you do that? It's so bright, but at least this Queen with a spear and a shawl is everywhere.

Well, quite simply, the place had so many games and it was so fun and relaxed, that I decided to allow my children to eat their pizza, and go play in your arcade. I simply informed a waitress and took off to continue my shopping. An hour and a half later, I'm getting an irate telephone call from a nurse who I don't even know! She tells me that I'm a bad mother for leaving my children behind at a restaraunt! And that she's already called C. P. S., and she also said she strongly suggested to the restaraunt's manager that he ring up the police. How dare she?

Who does she think she is? I've never had this happen before! Why, I've left my children somewhere fun dozens of times while I finished doing my shopping and came back to get them later that night. I demand you fire that busy-body nurse, and compensate me! And I want my son and daughter back this minute, complete with plenty of free food so I don't have to cook for them!

Signed Miss Nancy Elaine Glectful-Parent.

purplecat41877

03-09-2012, 02:58 AM

Dear Miss Glectful-Parent,

You need to take responsibility for your children and we have no authority to fire the nurse. Until you do, you will not get your children back or special treatment.

Sincerely,

Q. U. Eencard
Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire my daughter for not showing up for work. I told her that she could work the shifts she wanted and didn't have the work the ones she didn't. I demand you rehire my daughter and allow her to work whenever she chooses. If you don't, I will burn down your store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Casual

purplecat41877

04-16-2012, 04:12 AM

Envelope has been returned to Mrs. Casual due to lack of stamp. Mrs. Casual puts on a stamp and remails the letter shown above.

Marmalady

04-16-2012, 08:44 AM

Dear Mrs Casual,

Your daughter's attitude to her schedule was not the only thing she was casual about; she was careless about everything, including giving the right change, having enough buttons fastened, and even her own personal hygiene. When she wasn't trying to hit on the more attractive male customers she would constantly yammer on about everything that was going on in her life and in yours (I hope the outbreak of boils has cleared up now, by the way).

It had got to the point where no other employee would work within 200 metres of her. They didn't even mind having to cover for her frequent absences, as they would rather have her work than her company. The final straw was when she failed to show up for the annual stocktake, which all staff must attend for, and couldn't even be bothered to phone her usual feeble excuse in. So no, your daughter will not get her job back. Not that she ever bothered to do it in the first place.

Your threat of arson has been noted and passed on to the local police. They sounded very interested.

Yours sincerely,

U. Kango-Andwistle,
Store Manager.

Dear Manager of Countryside Store,

I am writing to complain about the disgraceful treatment I received yesterday from one of your till operators. I had just popped in to collect my copy of 'Duchess Weekly' and the queue at the newagent counter had at least 2 people waiting to be served. Well of course I wasn't going to wait that long, so I just went across to the nearest checkout and handed my money to the cashier there.

That insolent little girl had the temerity to tell me that she couldn't take my payment for the magazine! When I demanded to know why not, she said that the newsagent was a separate business! That's ridiculous! Everyone knows that you are one big store! Then she said something about a 'concession' - I wasn't asking for a concession, I just wanted to pay for my magazine!

I threw the magazine at her and walked out. How dare she treat a loyal paying customer like that? It's quite obvious that she just wanted to get out of doing any work.

I want that horrible girl fired and five years' free subscription to any magazine of my choice.

Sincerely,

Mrs I Maharridan.

Irving Patrick Freleigh

04-16-2012, 09:23 PM

Dear Maharridan:

We have consulted with the publisher of Duchess Weekly, and they have agreed to give you a free five-year subscription to their newest title. And what's more, they want to make you the cover story of their newest title's first issue!

Enclosed please find a number to call to set up an appointment for the People To Laugh At correspondent to come interview you for the story.

Regards,

Ida Publisher

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Crap 'R Us:

Your store refused to accept my internet coupon good for one (1) free Xbox 360. Said something about it being "counterfeit" or some shit.

Counterfeit my fuckin' ass! I got it of the internet! It has to be good!

Accept my coupon and give me my free Xbox 360 or else I shall forever torment your staff with my social ineptitude and my gamer funk. Or sue you. Whatever.

Joe D. Gamer

XCashier

04-17-2012, 12:54 PM

Dear Mr. Gamer,

The coupon is fake. I've seen them before; it's a tacky cut and paste job from Word with a barcode stolen from a can of Green Giant Peas.

Thank you for the heads-up. We have the five-gallon drum of industrial-strength detergent and the firehose on standby. We're ready to meet you!

Sincerely,
Ty D. Andclean, manager,
Crap 'R Us

*****

Dear Manager,

I love that show Extreme Couponing and wanted to try it out. I dug through every dumpster in my complex, clipped every coupon I could find and brought them in with me on my next shopping trip.

I can't believe you wouldn't accept my coupons for toothpaste, dish soap, frozen dinners, hair color and everything else! Yes, the only thing I bought was one box of cereal, your point? You get the money back anyway, why wouldn't you take my coupons and give me money for them?

I demand that you take all my coupons and give me the money without me having to buy the products or I will go to the media about your horrible service!

Sincerely,
Anita Clue

purplecat41877

04-18-2012, 02:49 AM

Dear Ms. Clue,

Coupons are only good if you have the product and it's not expired. Therefore, we won't take accept any coupons if you don't have the proper items.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I had to quit because you ran out of hours for me. I felt that I was great at the job. Enclosed is a check for the patio that collapsed because the customer didn't build it right. I gave him specific instructions on what to do. The customer shouldn't have sued because I'm an expert at building. Therefore, if possible, I want to come back to work for you.

Sincerely,

James Wonder

tech_monkey

04-20-2012, 08:15 PM

James,
You didn't quit, you were fired. Cardboard, wood glue and ground coffee are not building materials for any structure, especially not for a solid granite patio and veranda.

Ace, Hardware Store Manager
P.S. A check should actually have a bank associated with it.

--------------------------------------

Farmasi Manerjar,
Dude, i totally have that glock conan stuff mentioned in your panfilets. I reeeeealy need a good hookup.

B. Stonerd

Victory Sabre

04-22-2012, 10:52 PM

Dear Mr. Stoned.

If you need a "hookup" there's online sites to get an "intimate encounter".

Until you are able to tell me what you want, or need, besides that, please don't contact us anymore. Your messages will be ignored.

I. M. Manager
--------------------

Dear lottery commission.

I came into your headquarters a few days back with the winning Mega Millions ticket. I presented said ticket to the peon at the front desk and told them I want my $680 million, and I want it NOW!

I was shocked and horrified when the stupid peon told me that the ticket was not the winning ticket.

Apparently the ignorant peon hasn't heard that the "customer is always right". I told her (or maybe it was a him) that the ticket was the winning ticket. That should have been enough for the stupid fool. He said some tripe along the lines "winning tickets must be validated", or some BS like that.

I told the lame ass loser, who, probably, hadn't even graduated high school, that I had several PHD's, and was smarter than him. I also told the desk jockey that I refused to leave without my $680 million.

Imagine my surprise when I was arrested for standing up for my rights. As a lawyer, who has several law degrees, I know my rights.

In closing, I DEMAND that the pathetic loser be executed. I DEMAND compensation in the form of 10 billion dollars. As a Priest, with several Theological degrees, I DEMAND that the POPE apologize for this insult toward me.

Yours truly

Orwin Carl David Gambler

Kristev

04-24-2012, 07:11 PM

Dear Mister Orwin Carl David Gambler,

You did not have the winning ticket. Thus, you lost the game. Therefore, you are not entitled to one orange penny of the money. I will not be firing my employee, who, by the way, is only three credits away from completing med school. And we have no intention of giving you ten million dollars, after the way you threw a tantrum and broke our windows by throwing a brick. As for the Pope, ask him yourself. But we will be happy to give you one thing - a ban.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."

Dear Pizza Heaven:

I went into your restaraunt yesterday, in order to take advantage of your buffet special. But I was told that you didn't have a buffet special, and I was forced order a medium pizza. I specifically told them I wanted the meat fanatic pizza, but without any of the meat. Of course I didn't tell the waitress that. She's supposed to know telepathically. What did I find when I got my pizza? The ditz got it wrong. It had pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ham . . . I was so disgusted that after I ate my pizza, I kept a peperoni and decided to voice my complaint to the waitress. Her name is Elaine, and I want her sacked! She's the worst waitress in the world! She had the nerve to behave as if a child's birthday party with a dozen of his friends and their parents were more worthy of her attention than I was. There was no reason she couldn't drop everything and pay attention to me. All she did was bring me my pizza and my drinks, but she wouldn't listen to my complaints because a child ran out the door and she went to help his parent go catch it. How dare she ignore me! I got so mad, when she came back to me, I spilled my drink on her. And then your store's manager told me he didn't approve of anyone assaulting his niece, and that I could get out. I told him about my pizza, showed him the pepperoni, and really let him have it. And do you know what that jerk did? He called the cops! Instead of Pizza Heaven, you should call the place Pizza Hell. I demand Elaine and that manager be fired, I demand free pizza for a year, and I demand that you give me free coupons to your buffet.

Sincerely,
Mr. Herr Ih Kane.

purplecat41877

04-29-2012, 11:34 PM

Dear Mr. Kane,

If you don't want meat on your pizza, you need to say so. We've also never had a buffet special and no one forced you to order a medium pizza. Also, the waitress needed to keep an eye on the children so they wouldn't get hurt. The mother with the child that escaped was grateful that Elaine was able to help so the mother got a gift card. You, on the other hand, will be getting nothing, and the manager and Elaine won't be getting fired. We have given both of them a raise and you are now banned from the restaurant.

Sincerely,

Angel Pizza
Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to the checkout, told the employee to pack my groceries, and she had the nerve to tell me that I had to pack them myself. That's her job, not mine. She rang up my groceries and wouldn't pack them so I was forced to pack them myself. I want this employee retrained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and my next order for free or I'll shop online from now on.

Sincerely,

Lacey Bagger

Lace Neil Singer

05-09-2012, 12:38 AM

Dear Ms Bagger,

I am sorry to inform you that we no longer have our cashiers bag for customers. This is in order to keep the lines running smoothly. If you had a disability or a problem other than entitlement, you could have asked the cashier nicely to put out a call for a bagger. Since you didn't do that, then I'm afraid I cannot help you.

Yours, Mr Supermarket Manager.

PS Our prices are cheaper than anywhere you can find online, so tho I wish you'd shop elsewhere, I'm thinking that is probably a vain hope.

~~~

Dear Petrol Station Manager,

Yesterday was a Bank Holiday and I decided to go and fill up my car at 7:35pm. Much to my anger and disgust, the lazy employees refused to allow me to do this! They'd even blocked off the entrance with cones, which I had to drive over in order to get on to the forecourt. The employee I talked to, who was outside spitefully locking up the pumps so that I couldn't use them, told me that since it was a Bank Holiday, they closed at 7:30.

The utter nerve of that girl! She was obviously lying, and shutting up early so that she and her equally lazy collegue could go home early. I deduce this from the fact that she had three upper ear piercings and hair dyed pink. Everyone knows that the petrol station closes when I want it to do so, cuz I'm the customer and I'm always right. Anyway, it's not as tho these peons have a life outside of work, is it? I demand that you retrain these employees, and allow me to fill my Pointlessgiant SUV for free.

Yours,

Mrs U. N. Reasonable.

Kristev

05-09-2012, 04:52 AM

Dear Mrs. U. N. Reasonable.

After reviewing the tapes, I see that my staff did everything exactly as they should. The reason they closed up a little early is because some idiot ruptured a fuel tank, spilling everywhere, then tried to light up a cigarette. My two employees had to shut off the pumps and cordon off the station.

Latisha, the one with pink hair and earrings, has a mother with a chronic illness that requires someone be with her all the time. Even five minutes alone could be fatal to her, and since it was a bank holiday, Latisha's mother's caretaker was leaving at eight. So I told Latisha she could leave at seven thirty.

As for my other staff, Wallace, he is only a teenager, so I can't keep him too late at night.

I will not be giving you free gas. Certainly not after the way you tried to drive right over Wallace as he was trying to prevent a big fire! But we did get a fabulous picture of your license plate. The police have been notified of your vehicular assault attempt on a teenager.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Booger King:

I went to your eatery today, and after all I did was stand there innocently and mull over my choices, your rather rude employees began to shout at me and demanded I pick what I want now or get out of the line. Now, I didn't see any line behind me, and the employees did nothing but chat amongst themselves on headsets, so why should I be rushed when I get to the register?

Now, I asked for my food in the normal way, making just a little change here and there. Your employees behaved as if I were expecting them to make me a three course banquet with the pickiest of ingredients. It was just lunch for me, and a dozen of my co-workers. There was no need for their rudeness and snide remarks. Why, I almost shouted back, but I kept my calm and patience.

Then I tried to pay with a ten dollar bill, but the cashier rudely told me it wasn't enough. I offered him a twenty, and it still wasn't enough. Then I ran Myra . . . my credit card, and it refused. So when he turned his head to chat with a girl employee, I gave him a dollar bill, took my food, and left. Surely you can understand why I'm asking now for the refund of my dollar bill. After what your staff put me through, I wouldn't mind being given some complimentary food tickets as well.

Thank you so much.
Phil T. Lyore.

purplecat41877

05-30-2012, 03:32 AM

Dear Mr. Lyore,

If you weren't ready to order, you should've stood to the side before getting in line. Also, your changes caused the bill to be $80. Since you took the food without paying the full amount, you will be charged with theft. You are now banned from the restaurant.

Sincerely,
B. Urger
Manager

Dear Department Store Manager,

I came to return some underwear and your rude employee told me that they don't accept returns on underwear. I was steamed so I threw the underwear on the floor, and then threw myself on the floor and started pounding the floor, kicking my legs, and screaming at the top of my lungs. Next thing I knew, I was in a police car. I demand you fire the rude employee, drop the charges, and allow returns on all items or I will come to your store wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Tantrum

XCashier

05-31-2012, 11:26 PM

Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

Now now, dear, we mustn't act up when we don't get our way. Use your words and ask nicely, and know that we can't always get what we want.

Enclosed is a nice new pacifier and cuddly soft blankie. Use them as often as you need to, and when you do grow up, you can come shop at our store again.

Sincerely,
Nanny McPhee, manager,
Poppins' Department Store

*****

Dear movie theater manager,

Me and my three- and five-year old kids were up late last night and decided to go to a movie. We went to your midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I had such an awful experience!

Most of the other moviegoers were wearing the most outlandish getups! Some of them weren't even decent! Men in fishnet stockings, women with their bosoms popping out of sequined corsets...what on earth are they thinking?! And how dare they wear such things in front of my little precious children! How will I explain this to them?!

And when the movie started, we couldn't even enjoy it because more costumed idiots were goofing around in front of the screen, and the entire audience was yelling loudly. More than once I demanded that they shut up so we could hear the dialogue, but they ignored me. Several around me laughed at me, and one person bounced a roll of toilet paper off my head!

I am horribly upset by my experience. I demand my money back, another million dollars for the counseling me and my precious children will need, and insist that you ban such perverts from your movie theater from now on!

Sincerely,
Anita Clue

purplecat41877

06-02-2012, 09:31 PM

Dear Ms. Clue,

Your children should've been in bed and were too young for the movie. I'm sorry for your experience but you won't be getting anything for us.

Sincerely,

M. Ovie
Theater Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store and your front end was very rude. The checkers were cleaning their registers and stocking candy when they're supposed to stay in their registers. When I went over to an open register, the rude employee told me to load my groceries onto the belt. I threw a box of candy at her and stormed out with my groceries without paying for them. I demand you train your employees to wait on important customers like me hand and foot. If you don't, I will come back and take as many items as I want and not pay for them.

Sincerely,

I. M. Portantshopper

purplecat41877

07-02-2012, 05:59 AM

I. M. Portantshopper has received an e-mail stating that the letter was sent to the wrong e-mail address. I. M. Portantshopper finds the correct e-mail address and resends the letter shown above.

Kristev

07-02-2012, 07:50 AM

Mr. Portantshopper,

The employee did tell you to put the groceries on the belt, along with the lane closed sign. You see, it was eight fifteen and my store closes at eight, with everyone remaining until eight thirty to get the place clean and prepped for the next day's opening. You ignored the manager's frequent calls for shoppers to come to the front before eight, and the only reason you came up at all is because security found you and directed you to the registers.

We calculate that you have cost us nearly three hundred dollars in stolen goods, and have turned the matter over to the police. Luckily for us, you told security your name when you talked to them. Expect a friendly visit from the boys in blue.

Signed,

Miss No-Non Sence,

Owner of Flavor of Hong Kong grocery store.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Route 77 Hotel:

I am the mother of seven children. Me and my family showed up last week at midnight, exhausted from a long drive where we hadn't eaten in since six that night. When we get there, I practically have to throw a fit to get your horribly rude clerk there, Alice, to give us a hotel room. She demands that I buy three rooms! Three, I tell you! I do it, and even though she gives me a discount, I don't think it's enough, putting up, first with the drive, and then my bratty kids, and the vacation from Hell, and now this Alice woman!

But my eldest daughter, step-daughter, really, damned fifteen year old, she thinks she knows everything. She begs me to go ahead and take Alice's deal so we can get a place to sleep, and I do it. But I'm not happy. Well, I'm awakened at noon by hotel security. How dare they knock on my door, holding my beloved twin boys Adolph and Benito, in his hands. It seems Adolph and Benito followed one of my other sons, George, and the three of them decided to run wild around the hotel. It's not my fault the boys tore up everything they could. Boys will be boys. My stepdaughter was supposed to be watching them.

When I found her, she gave me the excuse that she was trying to save my youngest daughter from drowning in the pool. My step-daughter told me that the pool wasn't even open and she was trying to find all the kids so she could order lunch for them when she saw my precious Angelica dive in the pool. Where was the lifeguard? My other daughter and my other son, at least, stayed with my step-daughter and didn't make any mistakes.

Then your manager expects me to pay! Well, I get the kids, and we drive off. Except for my step-daughter. I forgot her at the hotel, but that's no loss. A few good weeks left on her own will fix her attitude but good. But how dare your staff be so rude? No, I didn't pay the bill. I told my step-daughter to do it, and drove off with all the kids but her. I even swiped her father's credit card from her first.

I demand recompense for this horrible service!

Signed,

Lou See Mother.

purplecat41877

07-16-2012, 10:51 PM

Dear Lou See Mother,

It's your responsibility to watch your children and your stepdaughter was doing a great job. We have called CPS on you and are sending you a bill for the damages your sons caused. Your stepdaughter is staying with me until we can find a foster home for her. She is welcome at the hotel anytime but you and the rest of your family are banned from the hotel.

Sincerely,

Hotel Manager

Dear Candle Shop Manager,

I recently bought one of your herbal scented candles. When I got home, I put the candle on a small ceramic plate, lit the candle, and laid down on the sofa to take a nap. When I woke up a few hours later, the candle had melted on the plate. I demand you replace this defective candle with an herbal scented candle that won't melt or I will come to your store, light all the candles, and knock them over.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Candle

XCashier

07-17-2012, 02:52 AM

Dear Mrs. Candle,

Judging from your letter, the candle worked exactly as it was supposed to. Candles melt, have done so since their invention two thousand years ago. That's pretty much the whole point of the candle, to melt so as to fuel the flame. A non-melting candle would be defective, not the one you used.

Thank you so much for letting us know how well our candles work. Have a lovely day!

Perry Finn-Wax, manager,
Chandler's Candle Shop

* * * * *

Deer Grossury Storr Ownur,

Ah wuz shoppin an neded sum cereal. Ther wer three employes standing round doin nothin, so I ignored them an went to the gal stockin olive oil on the shelf. Ah stood behind her an sed nothin, and she dint sea me, jus kep stockin.

So Ah yelled HEY! An she jumped! An nokked bout five jars of oil off the shelf! An spun round tot sea me, an slipped an fell on her fat ass! Well, durn if it wernt the funniest thing Ah ever saw! Ahm laffin mah head off, and she grabs her radeo an calls 4 help!

So Ah grab her radeo and yell YAH COM HELP HER SHES TO STOOPID TO STOCK A SHELF RAGHT an shes all cryin cause Ahm squooshin her hand thats holdin the radeo. An she cut herself on the glass an bled all over the flor but that aint important. Anyway Ah tells her GET A SENS OF HUMUR HUNNY WHARS YORE CUSTUMUR SERVISE SKILLS?

Then a bunch of employes grab me an korral me to the ofice, and the hed honcho calls the polise an haz me arested for a salt! That is no way to run a storr! You giv the custumur what he want, an treet him like a king!

Gimme a millin dolarrs an that gals phone numbr (she got a fat ass, but shes cute) an maek her go on a date with me an I might continoo to shop ther.

Sinseerly,
Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

Kristev

07-19-2012, 06:43 AM

Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

After sending your letter to a linguist to interpret it, we believe we now understand what you were saying to us.

The cameras show us that you saw three of our employees standing around doing nothing except having a smoke. When we asked them why, they informed us that they were on their lunch break, which the CSM confirmed.

Poppy was stocking the oil, as you said, when you screamed at her. Of course she jumped from fear. We don't know how you do things where you come from, but here, screaming in public is not considered polite.

Now, let me get this straight. Someone gets themselves injured on your behalf, and your response is to laught at them? Then to snatch their radio when they call for help? That is shameful, not amusing.

Customer service does not lend itself to being abused by people. Our staff indeed did come to Poppy's defence, and Tasha was right to ring up the police. We don't have a king anymore, but we do have a queen. She and her family get the royal treatment should they elect to shop here. You do not.

We have no intention of giving you £638700, or the million dollars we think you requested in your dollars. Though we will not be giving you Poppy's phone number, you can be expecting a call from her soclicitor. She intends to seek aid from the courts. At least she doesn't have to worry about medical bills, or you'd be out that much money, too.

Having seen you in our store on camera, I think I can now safely say I understand the meaning of "ugly American," for which I almost want to thank you. We hereby ban you from the store, though since you were merely a tourist, we doubt we're going to see you again. So we freely invite you to shop somewhere else, with our blessing.

Respectfully yours,
George Dragonrose,
Owner of Lioncrest Grocers,
Manchester, England.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop.

I am writing you this letter to tell you just how angry I am with you. Your store is a combination of a pharmacy and an herbal remedy shop, at least that's what you claim. I visited your shop searching for pot, and when I asked your employee, Fern, if she had pot, she led me to some gardening pots. I demanded she lead me to the real pot, and do you know what she did? She suggested I leave! I refused, saying that I needed to refill my prescription for Palladone, so she directed me to the pharmacy half of the store.

Fern went up to the counter and began whispering something to the technician, then left. After waiting an agonizing hour, I pushed an old lady out of the line and walked over her so that I would be next. The cashier and the technician were very rude. They seemed disgusted with me and wanted the lady to go ahead of me. I ignored them and gave them my prescription.

The cashier looked it over, and he gave it to the technician. She looked at it, too, and gave it to the pharmacist. I saw the technician and the pharmacist talking for a minute, and then the technician comes back and tells me they can't fill my prescription here. I very politely tell them that it comes from Dr. X, and that I've been on this for years. The pharmacist asks me what sort of pain I have, and I tell him that I don't have any pain, I just need my medicine.

At this point, the pharmacist snatches the prescription and tells me to leave. Meanwhile, the cashier has left his register to go help the old lady stand up. She's throwing a fit, crazy old biddy, claiming she's in pain. The cashier calls the pharmacist, and he runs to check the lady. He feels her leg up, how inappropriate can you get? He calls to the tech and tells her to call the paramedics. I ask them when they're going to get around to actually helping their customer?
"I am," the pharmacist says. "Get out!"
How dare he backtalk me! I get so angry that I use my baseball bat and start smashing up the store until I broke everything. I told them I wouldn't go until I was given my Palladone. I grab Fern and demand that the pharmacist give me what I want, so he finally.

I take it and leave with Basil, one of your employees who tried to stop me. I taught him good, hitting him in the head, then grabbing him. He's screaming, so I telling him to shut up. But the next thing I know, the teacher from the karate school next door comes out with a couple of her students. She grabs Basil away from me, and gives him to her students, who take him away. Then she kicks away my bat and beats me up with her crazy karate until the police arrive. Who does she think she is? Batgirl? And how dare they arrest me? She's the who's committing assault! They didn't do a thing to her, but they arrested me like I was some criminal!

I demand compensation, full payment of my medical and legal bills, that Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop drop all charges against me, and that I be given a lifetime supply of Palladone. If I don't get these things, I'm coming back, with a friend of mine who likes to make big bombs!

Signed,
Doug Addikt.

purplecat41877

08-07-2012, 05:46 AM

Dear Mr. Addikt,

The lady that you pushed was before you and you caused her to go to the hospital. We are also not dropping the charges and you are banned from the store while the karate teacher gets a gift card for helping us out.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was checking out, I screamed at the checker, called her horrible names, and told her that she should be lucky to have a job. When she broke down like a baby, I laughed my head off. Your supervisor had the nerve to send her away, cancel my order, and tell me to leave. You need to tell your employees that they are required to put up with customers like me or I will hack into your system and change the prices.

Sincerely,

A. B. User

Kristev

08-13-2012, 04:31 PM

Dear Mr. A. B. User: This is a family-run store. That manager was my son and the cashier was his daughter.

Thank you for alerting us to your intentions to hack our systems and wreck our prices. Security has been beefed up and the F. B. I. has been notified. They should be visiting you quite soon.

Signed: Matilda 'Grandma' McMulligan,
Owner of Emerald Ilse mercantile.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Crafty Magic store:

I went to your store the other day with people from my church to throw eggs, tomatoes, and rocks at your store and to carry protest signs and sing Bible hymns. But as we grabbed one of your employees and tried to burn him at the stake, he protested that your store was nothing but a stationary, fabric, sewing & quilting, scrapbooking, and crocheting stores. We refused to believe him.

As we set him on fire, your manager came out and turned the hose on us! How dare she? Two more employees came out, one with a cell phone and one with a camera, and they kept shooting us. We were about to grab them, too, but the police showed up. The police must be corrupt because they ignored our words and arrested us all!

I demand compensation and that your store close down! And that you pay our bails and drop the charges.

Signed, Rev. Funn. D. Mentalist,
On behalf of Church of Holier Than Thou.

purplecat41877

09-14-2012, 10:51 AM

Dear Rev. Funn D. Mentalist,

The employee you set on fire was correct about what we sell and is in the hospital. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

C. R. Aft
Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I put my propane tank in a cart and brought it inside to do some shopping. When I got to the checkout, your rude supervisor told me that the propane tank wasn't allowed in the store and that I had to go to the service desk for the propane tank exchange. The checker was able to add the propane tank exchange to my transaction and arrange for another employee to help me out. I want the supervisor trained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and the checker to be promoted or I'll take my business to a store that allows propane tanks inside.

Sincerely,

P. R. Opane

purplecat41877

10-09-2012, 10:02 PM

Letter has been returned to P. R. Opane due to wrong address. P. R. Opane corrects the address and resends the letter shown above.

purplecat41877

10-29-2012, 06:40 AM

Dear P. R. Opane,

It's against safety regulations to bring propane tanks indoors. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came up to the checkout with 4 dozen cans of corn and your rude checker told me that 4 cans was the limit. I was steamed so I threw the cans at the checker and stormed out. I want the checker fired for being rude to me and for the store to stop putting limits on items. If you don't, I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Greedy

Andrew B.

10-30-2012, 02:52 PM

Dear Mrs. Greedy,

There has been a corn shortage in the area for the last couple months and it is a fast selling item. We had to put up a limit to help keep up with demand without raising our prices too much.

As for the employee, we will not fire her, and she has gone to the police to make a formal complaint. Thank you for giving us your name and address to help with the process.

Lucky Day

---

Dear Toys-B-We,

I was wanting to get the new My Diminutive Equine toys for my daughter when I saw several grown men purchacing several of these toys.

How dare you let these obvious child molestors into your store. I demand you forbid them from entering and a $5,000 dollar gift card for my pain and suffering.

yours,
Peri Noid

Kristev

10-30-2012, 07:17 PM

Dear Mr. Noid,

Of course you saw a bunch of grown men purchasing them! It was Christmas Eve, and all of these men have 2 things in common: Daughters, and a tendency to shop at the last minute. You have endured neither pain nor suffering from this, so you shall not be getting a gift card. But I will give you a telephone number: 1-800-999-9999. It's the open line to my therapist.

Cheers.

Sincerely,

Laytoya 'Toy' Jacks.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear World of Terror Halloween fun show:

We were walking through your place with our children on Halloween night, and what happened? We were attacked by horrible monsters! They came out and tried to touch my family! One of them even had the nerve to say boo! Your people are so horrible, they made my daughter cry! She's only two and a half years old. You have no right to scare little kids like that! It's inexcusable!

I demand that you apologize and give me five thousand dollars, or I'll sue! And my brother's hairdresser's cousin is studying law, so he'll mop the floor with you!

Signed:

Lackinal Judgment.

XCashier

10-30-2012, 10:53 PM

Dear Mr. Judgement,

Seriously?! You took a toddler to a show advertised as "Extremely Frightening, Recommended for ages 13 and over" and you're surprised that she got scared?!

I will not be refunding your purchase price. I will, however recommend a very good remedial reading class. Please find the information enclosed, and have someone read it to you.

Sincerely,
Frank Enstein, owner,
World of Terror Halloween fun show

* * * * *

Dear ShopMart,

Your store at 123 Main Street is liquidation because it is moving to a new location. Well, I went there last Saturday night to get some household appliances, and you didn't have anything that I wanted! In fact, your store was about three-quarters empty and had nothing in it but junk nobody would ever want, even at 90% off!

I am very disappointed that you didn't stock your store. I demand that you give me $50,000 for my inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Kent Understand-Concept

Tama

10-31-2012, 09:21 AM

Dear Kent Understand-Concept,

We are liquidating the store, therefore there will be no stocking and I am afraid we'll be unable to offer you any money. Actually, I'm quite glad about that part. We're not able to even order for stores that are liquidating! Please try to remember this in future.

Sincerely,
Clark U. Onnahead, Store Manager
Toasters n' Coffeemakers

*******

Dear Megamartamus,

The other day I was in line and kept repeatedly being told by the cashier that the line was closed. She had been chatting with the person in front of me and complaining that she had been standing there for 4 hours with no break, too, so I was doubly offended and told her as much. Imagine my horror when she had the nerve to say that she could not control what offended me.

I want her fired immediately and I wish to be compensated for my trouble!

~Dumassa Hatrack

Kristev

11-04-2012, 11:35 AM

Dear Ms. Hatrack,

Our investigation into this event indicates that the person the cashier was speaking to was an assistant manager who had just happened to have finished a consumer out with their gun purchase and was returning to his office when the cashier called him over to inform him she had been passed up for break - again.

Corrective action is being taken - against a CSM who continually refuses to send employees to their breaks and keeps them waiting. But the despicable things you said to the cashier, in the presence of the assistant manager, is probably why the assistant manager called from security to have you escorted out. The cashier had done nothing wrong. We should know - the assistant manager was right there by her side during your entire tirade. You are banned until you apologize to our employee for your abusive language.

G. Y. Ent, Store Manager.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Scent of Heaven,

I went into your store the other day to go out and buy some of your wonderful Pumpkin Spice handsoap on Halloween. But when I get there, you allow some teenage girl, who dressed like a skank, to buy the last bottle. I tried to take it from her, because I am a high-class lady and she's just a teen brat. Disrespectful girl took it back and purchased it, then had the nerve to ask the clerk for a gift box because it was a surprise present for her overstressed mother. Present indeed! And your clerk, Kevin, had the nerve to take the girl's side despite all my protests. He must be gay to work in a place like yours.

Keeping his eyes on me, he walks the girl to the door, and only after she's gone does he return to me and offer to help me. I complain about the girl taking the last bottle of Pumpkin Spice handsoap. Kevin calls for a lady, Bernadette, and asks her to go check in the back if there's anymore Pumpkin Spice, while he takes me around the store and tries to trick me into buying other things. He shows me the Pumpkin Spice perfume, massage gel, and bar of soap, and shows me several other handsoaps. He even brings me one he says is brand new, the Cinnamon Surprise, which looks all Christmassy. It's Halloween! I don't want Christmassy! Naturally, I smack it out of his hand, and watch it as it crashes and explodes everywhere. This makes me feel so good that I start throwing all the bottles I can. Kevin tries to stop me, until a bottle hits his head. Lazy worker passes out. Bernadette comes back, saying she found one bottle, but then she sees me throwing other things, and her good for nothing homo co-worker sleeping, and instead of being a good girl and giving me the bottle, she grabs a phone and calls the police! The police!

Of course, I take the bottle and run. Or try to, but I slip on some Triplemint Sister shampoo that was in a glob on the floor, and I crash into the door. I still run, mainly because Bernadette then starts trying to help that lazy gay boy.

I demand a lifetime supply of Pumpkin Spice handsoap, full payment for my medicals bills because I slipped and fell, a thousand dollar gift card, that you fire Kevin and Bernadette, and that you have someone around to clean up! Your store's a complete mess! All that bodywash, gel, soap, and shampoo all over the place makes a very slick floor!

Signed:

Oh no you don't! You won't trick me! I won't give you my name! I'm mailing this letter with City Hall's address so you won't know who I am, and I'm not including my phone number or my name. No pathetic retail store will ever get the better of High Madame Whineona Vandalette! No Siree!

Andrew B.

11-10-2012, 04:46 PM

Dear Ms. Vandalette,

We are pressing charges for assault, destruction of property, and theft for your antics. Also, don't rant in your closing "I'm not telling you anything" signature. It gives off too much information.

Enjoy your time in prison,
G. Scent

------------------

Dear Gameplace,

How dare your peon not give me the game I wanted when I demanded it. I don't care if it wasn't supposed to be sold for another three days, I wanted it now so I can have the jump on everyone else. I demand the game and $100,000 for my frustration.

Nos T. Reetdate

static

11-10-2012, 07:03 PM

Dear Mr Reetdate,

We apologise for any inconvenience caused. Unfortunately, Gameplace ceased dealing with the flow of time in 2014. All time related complaints are now processed by our subsidiary, H.G. Wells & Co.. We have forwarded your complaint to Dr Emmet Brown, Head of Customer Care and Flux Capacitor Troubleshooting. He will get back to you to resolve the issue either next or last week.

Please be advised that H.G. Wells & Co.'s Time Traveller programme has been temporarily discontinued due to Morlock attacks.

Regards,

Gameplace.

___________________________________________

Dear BigShop,

I am absolutely disgusted with the level of service I received. I politely asked if one of your staff could assist me in my shopping while I went to get my nails done, she was extremely rude and told me no! She was only sitting at the register serving other people who aren't nearly as important as me, so it's not like she had anything better to do. You should fire her for being lazy. As no one would help me, I actually had to carry my shopping myself and strained my wrist. This upset my son so he started crying and throwing things on the ground, and once again your staff did nothing to help.

I demand compensation for my medical bills and my son's therapy. I have never been so offended in my life.

Mrs. C. Hunt

Kristev

11-11-2012, 05:24 AM

Dear Mrs. Hunt:

It was Black Friday when you went to our store, and we only had the one employee to work our entire store that day. She was busy cashiering, and while she would've liked to help you, we couldn't have afforded to lose so many sales. It would cut our profit margin far too much. We might have even needed to hire a second employee, and we just won't do that!

We apologize. We were going to have robotic valets to make it unneccessary to carry your own groceries out, but it was decided somewhere along the corporate chain not to do this as it would cost too much money. We are dreadfully sorry that you had such an unhappy experience, and we'd be glad to give the employee a warning, as well as send you gift cards. However, we cannot send you any gift cards because your son destroyed a valuable display of the hottest electronics. The amount of money we lost is going to be... unfortunate for our workforce. Please come shopping again, as we'd love to have your business.

Signed:
Third assistant manager I. M. Overpaid, fifth link in the store's corporate chain of the ten levels of management.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Temptations:

My new boyfriend and I went to your shop today to pick up hot new toys to spice up our love life, but when we get in, not only are your hostess and all your staff fully clothed, the hottest thing there is the Chinese chicken hot wings with sweet and sour sauce. As your hostess all but forced me and my boyfriend to our seats, she gave us these long menus, whistled for a passing waitress, and expected us to read the menus ourselves! I have never in my life...! The waitress came out, and when she asked us if we'd like anything to drink, we ordered wine. She then asked us if we'd had enough time to read the menus yet. We told her it was bad enough we were being forced to eat, and we weren't going to be forced to read, too! So we asked her what the best thing on the menu was, and she said that she personally loved the deep dish three-meat pizza, smothered in olive oil, combined with the cinnamon breadsticks and the Supermilkshake. We order that.

The food arrives and we eat it to the last bite. However, during our meal, I get curious and I steal a menu from the table next to us so I can have a look at what else there is to offer for dessert. Much to my disgust, I notice that you haven't got one healthy thing on your entire menu! After demanding and drinking a second bottle of wine, and shouting at your good for nothing, lousy waitress until she's reduced to tears and flees, I march up to your hostess and complain. She offers to comp our meal, at first, until she notices it's almost entirely eaten. Then she apologizes and says that the whole point of Temptations is to put the fun back in food so people will remember what good food tastes like. The bland, dull, but completely healthy food can be found next door, at Dr. Tasteless's place. Then the hostess goes to talk to the waitress and ask her why she didn't explain this place to us, but the waitress takes one look at us and turns on the crocodile tears again. The hostess turns to us, and asks us to please sit down, and has the nerve to suggest that we've had too much wine. Then she takes the waitress off the floor, and we don't see either one again. In fact, we're so mad, my boyfriend suggests we just leave then and there, without even paying, which we do. We will never come back to Temptations again! You're completely deceitful! And by the way, we want to make a reservation for 7:30 next Friday night because my mother's visiting me from Chicago next week. She'll just love this place.

I demand compensation in the form of free meals for life and a million dollars!

Signed,
Miss Sherry Brandy Rabbitt & Mr. Ken Key Enabler.

purplecat41877

11-27-2012, 08:59 AM

Dear Miss Rabbit + Mr. Enabler,

We are a restaurant, not an adult store. We are denying your reservation but your mother is welcome to come if she chooses. Your waitress is in therapy because of you. Don't ever come back or you'll be arrested for theft and trespassing.

Sincerely,

Restaurant Manager

Dear Women's Clinic,

I came to your clinic to find out the gender of my baby. Your rude doctor told me I was having a boy and I want a girl. I demand you send me something that'll change the baby's gender. If you don't, I will hire someone to destroy your building.

Sincerely,

P. R. Egnant

MoonCat

12-02-2012, 03:29 AM

Dear Ms. Egnant,
Here is the phone number of a local adoption clinic. We strongly urge you to put your baby up for adoption as he will no doubt live a much longer, happier life without you and your entitled attitude. We have also sent your personal information to the police and the FBI, as threatening to destroy a building is a crime.

Ms. Options, Clinic Director

---

Dear Restaurant Manager,

On a recent visit to your restaurant I was seated outside on the patio. I ordered a glass of water and as I was enjoying my drink, an ant had the nerve to crawl inside my purse, which was on the ground next to me. This is unacceptable!! When someone asks to sit outside you need to make sure there is no wildlife that might assault them! I asked for a lobster dinner in compensation for my trauma and your staff grudgingly complied, but I find this insufficient in light of the offense. I demand another lobster dinner as well as the keys to your car, and free dinners for life at your restaurant!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. D.I.P.S. Hit

Kristev

12-31-2012, 12:38 PM

Dear Mrs. Hit,

A review of our cameras revealed that you put those ants there yourself by breaking an ant farm! So many patrons were injured that day, but nothing happened to you. What kind of person are you? We wish you a lousy Christmas and a dreadful New Year.

Sincerely,

Ms. Capable, Manager of Garden of Paradise restaurant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Escapes Cinema:

We went to go see Jaws 5 the other day. Much to our disgust, the film was horrible. It had nude girls, and it had people being eaten! And it had loads of foul language! Plus it had shootings, and plenty of blood.

It made me so upset that I had to smoke. And I dropped my cigarette and had to light another!

My little five year old should not have been exposed to that filth! How dare you show this film in your cinema? When I went to speak to your manager, the manager's assistant told me that he was busy putting out a fire in the cinema. And your assistant manager was angry with me, me! For hiding my kid in my coat so that the employees didn't know he was there, so I didn't have to pay for him.

Well, that was that. I grabbed the assistant manager, pulled her close to me, and
said that I wouldn't leave until I saw the manager. Then the woman began screaming for help, so I hit her over the head and took her to my car.

You will get your assistant manager back when I get compensation for the horrible movie, a formal apology for letting my five year old see it, two millions dollars, free passes for life, and my five year old. There wasn't room in the car for him.

Signed,

Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer.

Redhead17

01-01-2013, 06:55 AM

Dear Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer,

We at Escapes Cinema would like to apologize for the meer fact that you could ever had thought Jaws 5 was appropriate for a five year old. We are also very sorry that you could not read that this was a "Adult" cinema center and that Jaws 5 was one of our most popular films. Due to your smoking habit you have burned down our cinema center killed the assistant manager, and that poor woman, not to mention several people watching the new film release of "Fifty Shades of Gravy". We will infact be sueing you for 3 Million Dollars, and a socail worker will be taking BOTH of your children that you left at the cinema. We at Escapes Cinema are very sorry for your experience here.

Sincerly,

J.R. McLovin, Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Travel Zoo,

My Husband and two wonderful children were at the zoo this weekend and I coud not believe what your zoo did to this family. First my children wanted to see the monkeys and the monkeys were WooHooing right in front of them. How dare you let them see such a vulgar act, and when I went to complain to on of the people at the popcorn stand he said he could not do anything about it and that I should find a person who takes care of the animals. I do not have any time for that. So as I rushed my children away from that horrid display, I noticed that my little Lukey was missing. Why were not you there to guide him straight back to me as soon as I noticed he was gone. I looked in the otter pen and he was in there. He must have climbed over the fence and jumped into the pit. You really should have some safty measures to prevent this kind of thing. Then all he wanted to do was hug the otters and one of them bit him. When one of the staff member went into the pen to get him out they were being rude to my son by grabbing him and carrying him out. He could have gotten out himself. Then one of the people viewing this said to me he should know better. How dare you allow her to say such a thing to me about my little Lukey, he only 13 after all.

I want the monkeys and otters to be euthanized, I want you to pay for the doctors bill for the rabias shot, and a million dollars for having my husband cheat on me with on of your slutty employees.

Signed,

Mrs. Candi Bar

purplecat41877

01-04-2013, 05:08 AM

Dear Mrs. Bar,

Your 13 year old son should better than to enter an otter pit and your children are your responsibility. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Travel Zoo Manager

Dear Plumbing Company,

I broke my kitchen garbage disposal so I could get a handsome man to fix it and fall for him. However, I was steamed when you sent a woman so I sent her away since women know nothing about plumbing. I demand you send me a man who is single and handsome. If you don't, I will continue to send plumbers away until you do.

Sincerely,

Anita Date

Andrew B.

01-05-2013, 02:19 AM

Dear Ms Date,

We are not an escort service. This is not a porno set and we primarily hire women. Check the personal ads if you're that desperate.

Signed,
Nota Porno

*****

Dear KGMR Elemantary School,

Why did your security escort me from the building? I was just there for a conference that morning. I was pretty sure that it was on that day. I also wasn't that drunk and the students were in no danger. Threatening me with the police was unnecessary. I want $1,000,000 and the teacher's head for my humiliation.

Druk Anddisorderly.

Kristev

01-05-2013, 03:32 AM

Dear Mr. Anddisorderly,

The knife you wantonly brandished about, and pulled on Mrs. Jenkins when she wouldn't agree to start dating you again, probably had something to do with it. You are banned and the cops have already been called.

Signed,

Paula Rose Olivia Fessor, headmistress.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Madame Stella,

I went to your shop for a psychic reading. With your playing cards and crystal ball, you told me that I would meet the woman who'd change my life forever, but that once I found her, I wouldn't want her anymore. Your last card, the Queen of Hearts, you said meant I should stay with the woman I was engaged to at the time.

Well, I went to the place where you said I'd find this new lady when the woman I was engaged to wouldn't give me what I wanted anymore. I met this new lady, and we hit it off. We got married. But you didn't tell me that she'd ruin my life! The woman stole all my money, got me kicked out of my ex-fiance's apartment, cost me my job, disrupted my life, and took everything I had. I tried to go back to my fiance, but she called the police!

I blame you for all of this, Madame Stella. If I hadn't been to see you, I'd have never met that harriden of a woman. I demand you give me a million dollars, and free readings for life. But they always have to be good readings. Just tell me the good stuff.

Signed,

Sol X Tiver'earing.

Kitten in the box

01-13-2013, 06:13 AM

Dear sir:

I apologize for your inability to take advice. But then again had you taken the time to read our signs stating Not Responsible for ANY outcome occurring from the readings then you may have avoided this misfortune. Please accept our apologies and allow us to kiss your feet for your negligence and failure to read. Obviously it's (y)our fault entirely. Please take this $5.00 gift card as an apology and this book titled:I am
An idiot for not heeding advice by URA CompleteDumbass
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Foodstuffs Manager:

I am APPALED at how your employee has the brazen AUDACITY to come in on THEIR day off and not serve me! I AM THE CUSTOMER!! And as such I DEMAND to be served in this establishment by said employee regardless if they are off the clock. If I HONESTLY gave a damn I wouldn't be bitching right now. How DARE that employee have a life of their own! HOW DARE they say I'm off the clock!! You need to FIRE that employee ill never come back again. I steal $$$ Of merchandise a week and they REFUSE service?!? Corporate will have a FULL 3 page wel written letter that lies about the horrible way I was treated!!

purplecat41877

01-26-2013, 10:50 AM

Dear Anonymous,

It's illegal for employees to work off the clock. We're also pressing charges and banning you.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Pain Medication Factory Manager,

I left a bottle of pills open on the coffee table and my 4 year son thought they were candy and swallowed some. I had to take him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. I demand you put warning labels stating that the pills are not candy. If you don't, I will send the hospital bill and sue you if you don't pay it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Careless

XCashier

01-26-2013, 03:47 PM

Dear Mrs. Careless:

There IS a label on the bottle warning that the medicine is not for children under 12 and warning against overdose. That's also why we put the child-proof cap on there and add a further warning to keep the medicine out of the reach of children.

Thank you for including your address; I have forwarded it to the Child Protective Services in your state. Anyone who leaves open bottles of medicine lying around has no business parenting small children.

Regards,
I. Buprofin, founder
Pain-B-Gone

* * * * *

Dear store manager,

I was shopping in your store when I went to the cashier. She said, "How may I help you?" but her voice was so awful! How dare you hire someone who talks like that! I told her how rude she was being, and she looked at me in confusion and asked "What did I say that was rude?" I told her she knew what she said, I didn't have to tell her. She rang me out in silence, looking like she was going to cry, oh boo hoo, poor baby.

I am appalled that you would hire someone so stupid and rude and with such a horrible voice! I demand that you fire her, have her and her entire family shot (can't have such defectives ruining the gene pool!) and give me a $500 gift card for my trouble, and I might consider shopping with you again.

Sincerely,
Ann Tagonist

Kristev

01-26-2013, 10:11 PM

Dear Mrs. Tagonist,

That worker is my disabled niece. She's worked very hard to reach the level of functioning she's at. And you know what? She's more of a person than you ever will be, you judgemental monster! I don't ever respond this way to people, but since you demanded her, and my family for that matter, shot for being defectives in the gene pool, you have crossed the line.

You can forget about the gift card because you're the kind of snake I don't want here in my store! You are banned from my store.

Signed,
Bernard Rook, owner & manager of My New Best Friend.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Modern Amazon Coffeeshop:

I went to your coffee shop last night with my two kids because it was free concert night, where you invite local artists to come and perform on your stage. But your singer that night was horrible. All my kids did was run around, spill people's coffee, kicking things around, smash the chess set, and throw cards at the singer. Let them have their fun while I painted my nails.

The manager came out and he told me to get my kids out, but I'm not listening to a twenty-one year old kid!

And your singer stopped singing and told me, using the microphone, to go get my kids and get out! For a 30 year old, she sure needs to mind her own business! She sang a new song about the terrible parent and her awful brats, and how the people had to deal with it by rising up, gathering up the family, and throwing them out!

As soon as she was done singing, that's exactly what the people in your coffeeshop did!

I've never been so insulted all my life. It was humiliating! And worst of all, your manager said my kids and I could never come back. I demand a thousand dollars, that the singer never be invited back again, my kids be allowed to do whatever they want in your coffeeshop, and that we get free coffee and snacks for life!

Signed,

LaDonna Mobile-Home.

Sterlingbond

01-28-2013, 09:14 PM

Dear Miss Mobile-home,

Thank you for writing. First off, I'd like to mention that the singer from that night was my daughter-in-law who, i might add, just got signed to a major record label. Secondly, 2 of the other patrons that night had to be rushed to the hospital for minor to moderate burns from the coffee your hellspawn spilled on them, and now I can inform them where to send their medical and insurance bills to. I suppose you probably didnt hear the ambulance sirens over your screeching shouts. I stand behind my management and will uphold the ban on you and your untrained monkey-children. You will NOT be receiving free anything, and you can forget about the $1000 you are demanding.

Sincerely,

William De Caff

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Dear Supermart Grocery,

I, as well as my little prince of a son, made a trip to your store to buy some groceries 3 days ago. I left my son to play in the toy aisle while I went to the hunting/fishing section to browse your (poor) selection of fishing gear. One of your managers made an announcement over the intercom that i needed to collect my son as he had broken 2 shelves and a countless number of toys. I was outraged and so i tossed the fish finder i was looking at on the shelf in disgust. After i collected my son, i was told i would have to pay for the damages, plus i was going to have to purchase the fish finder because the screen broke when i put it away. Now I am CERTAIN your employees broke these things and are trying to pin the blame on me to save their worthless selves from the unemployment line. My son would NEVER do anything like what your employees said he did. I am positively OUTRAGED. I am tempted to report you to the BBB. However, a $1000 gift card and 3 free t-bone steaks a month for life would cause me to change my mind on that. See to it that i get what i want, plus be exempted from paying for the merchandise that i am CERTAIN your employees broke, or i will never grace your establishment with my presence again.

Signed,

James Breakthings.

purplecat41877

02-26-2013, 10:30 PM

Dear Mr. Breakthings,

We checked the security camera and saw both you and your sons breaking merchandise. Enclosed is a bill for the damage and both you and son are banned until the bill is paid.

Sincerely,

Store Manager

Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.

Sincerely,

M. O. Neygram

KhirasHY

03-05-2013, 05:48 AM

I don't have a specific complaint, but I couldn't resist going to the Complaint Generator from Scott Pakin just to have some fun for the night. Here's what it gave me ;)

At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Mr. Hotel Guest's nostrums. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, if we don't reinforce notions of positive self-esteem, then Mr. Guest will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain him. No united global opinion will be able to isolate him. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict him.

Mr. Guest exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his obvious inferiority. If you don't think that it would be downright authoritarianism-oriented for him to defuse or undermine incisive critiques of his contumelious, lackluster behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of institutional restraint, then you've missed the whole point of this letter. Mr. Guest says that the purpose of life is self-gratification. But then he turns around and says that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing him and the childish, mean-spirited cheapskates in his club. You know, you can't have it both ways, Mr. Guest. Inasmuch as I disagree with his accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet his speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines.

Mr. Guest's henchmen have repeatedly been caught breaking down the industrial-technological system. I had expected better from him and his vaunted coalition of imprudent, possession-obsessed conspiracy theorists and dissolute wallies, but then again, Mr. Guest is putting a huge amount of effort into squashing his self-doubt and hiding his flaws. The more effort he puts into that, the worse things are when these suppressed traits finally bust out. When that happens—and it will definitely happen—you should be sure to remember that Mr. Guest and his countless imitators are unremittingly hostile towards those of us who take advantage of a rare opportunity to deal with Mr. Guest's stentorian, arrogant cop-outs on a case-by-case basis. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that Mr. Guest's slaves care more about speaking, acting, and even thinking like Mr. Guest than they care about what makes sense. Well, that's getting away from my main topic, which is that I don't need to be particularly delicate here. Every time I strike that note, which I guess I do a lot, I hear from people calling me mingy or unsophisticated. Here's my answer: Mr. Guest has remarked that his terrorist organization consists entirely of lovable, cuddly people who would never dream of conditioning the public to accept violence as normal and desirable. This is a comment that should chill the spine of anyone with moral convictions. To make sure you understand I'll spell it out for you. For starters, Mr. Guest's bedfellows get a thrill out of protesting. They have no idea what causes they're fighting for or against. For them, going down to the local protest, carrying a sign, hanging out with Mr. Guest, and meeting some other discourteous agelasts is merely a social event. They're not even aware that Mr. Guest proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never inculcate the hermeneutics of suspicion in otherwise open-minded people. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. Let me end this letter with a call to action. Please join those of us who are listening to others, and through your support we will shape a world of dignity and harmony, a world of justice, solidarity, liberty, and prosperity. Together we will free Mr. Hotel Guest's mind from the constricting trammels of Maoism and the counterfeit moral inhibitions that have replaced true morality. Together we will take action.

Andrew B.

03-06-2013, 01:09 AM

Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.

Sincerely,

M. O. Neygram

Dear Mr Neygram,

We are a cash only business because too many customers have either disputed the payment after the fact, bounced a check, or committed fraud.

Thank you for telling us about the intent to hack, we're sure the FBI will love to talk to you.

Ms. Money

_____

Dear Gamestore,

What do you mean you won't accept my NGenesis carts for trades anymore. I bought them 12 years ago and I need the money now. I demand you accept any game in trade. If you don't, I will stand outside the shop and play loud polka music during your hours of operation.

Kent Levities.

Lace Neil Singer

03-15-2013, 09:22 PM

Dear Mr Levities,

Thank you so much for informing us of your intention to disturb the peace well in advance. There will be two members of the police force waiting outside our store for you.

Yours, Gamestore Manager.

~~~

Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday and I was appalled and horrified to find that you had no changing table in your toilets. In order to hammer home this omittance, I proceeded to change Shytllynne's nappy on the table. One of your employees, a fat girl called Clare, had the nerve to tell me off and state that I should leave as I was offending other customers and violating healthcare regulations.

I demand that Clare be fired at once and that you send me a written apology from both you and her, along with a gift card giving me free coffee for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I and the rest of my mother's group will boycott Starbucks forever and you will lose our business.

Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

mjr

03-18-2013, 12:29 AM

Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday <MR SNIPPY WAS HERE!!>

Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

Dear Ms. Terriblemother:

Clare won't be fired, and you won't be getting free coffee coupons. We have the video and audio of the exchange between you and Clare, and based on what we heard and saw, you do not deserve to be a customer of ours. And your mother's group is aware of what happened and they have told us that they are kicking you out of the mother's group for, and this is a quote, "making a big deal out of nothing". So good luck getting them not to come.

Disrespectfully,

A. Manager.
--------------------

Dear Local Grocery Store manager:

I recently went shopping in your grocery store. The cashier and the bagger were extremely hot girls who looked like they were in college. I asked them both out on dates and told them I wanted to make love to them, and they told me no! One even had the nerve to tell me she had a boyfriend! Like that matters! These two had horrible customer service because they wouldn't go out with me!!

This is unacceptable! I demand a date with one of these girls, or I demand that they be fired! I'm important, and I'm the customer, so I'm always right! They embarrassed me! I'm a very important person! I also demand a front of the store parking space, a checkout line of my own, and free groceries for a year!

Fix this problem, or I will sue you, tell everyone you have terrible customer service, and ever shop there again. You guys are all stupid, and your store is overpriced anyway.

Not Sincerely,

Cree P. Guy

Kristev

03-19-2013, 08:51 AM

Dear. Mr. P. Guy,

So it was you who harassed my granddaughters in my store last week!

One of them was so scared she called her boyfriend to stay with her for the rest of the shift, and the other one was so mad she almost flattened you with a baseball bat because you wouldn't go away!

Under no circumstances will I require my granddaughters to date you, nor will I fire them. But I will leave you a parking spot. It'll be right next to the lovely red stripe on my curb...

Now that I have your name and address, I'm turning this over to the nearest chapter of NOW. The leader of this chapter is a biker who's been teaching women karate. Have a nice day.

Signed:

Anne Gree-Grandmummy, owner of Domestic Goddess grocery store, which sells groceries by women, for women.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Muses,

I went into your store the other day, seeking to buy new paints, and I feel I've been treated very badly.

First of all, your sales girl wouldn't stop taking with that minority, who was probably an illegal anyway. Yes, she was talking to him about the kind of paint he needed, but I don't care. She wouldn't leave him to talk to me, when I clearly outrank him!

Secondly, I decided to go get some canvas, but the person who was selling the canvas had... Downs Syndrome! I'm not touching what he touched, so I couldn't get my canvas! I demand he be fired and the canvas all washed thoroughly!

Thirdly, I saw a pad I needed, and some teenage girl grabbed that pad first. It was the last pad! So what if she was closer? So what if some man started screaming at me that I'd trampled all over his little toddler son? Little rugrat should've gotten out of my way! It was wrong... that your cashier wouldn't make that girl give me the pad when I demanded it!

And I am offended that you allowed a pair of teenage boys to enter your store. They told one of your staff that they had a list of supplies they needed to make a surprise for their grandfather, but I know what teenagers and paint really mean. You should've thrown them out! They weren't even dressed right.

And then, when I called for the manager and demanded the enforcement of my natural rights, that person with Downs syndrome threw, I mean he threw, a jar of paint all over my million-dollar suit!

You will give me ten million dollars, fire your staff, inform them that I am to be served first and that if I want something, I will get it, and that anyone younger than 21 be banned from the store. Otherwise, I will take my million dollars and my stack of coupons that save me $ 9,999,999.95 dollars on any purchase to someone else's store!

Sighed, Lord Eli Test.

Lace Neil Singer

03-21-2013, 12:02 PM

Dear Lord Test,

For your information, the person selling the canvas is my own grandson. He may have Down's Syndrome, but believe me, he's a far better person than you will ever be. In fact, I am so enraged at your prejudice that I'm going to permanently ban you from the store. I'd far rather lose you as a customer than lose all those customers you complained about.

Yours, Store Manager of Muses.

~~~~

Dear Manager of Petstore,

I am writing to complain of something I saw in your pet store yesterday. There were rats! In cages! For sale to customers! Why are you selling vermin to customers? I demand that you take the rats off sale immediately, or I will report you to the health inspector and never come to your store again.

Yours, I Hayte-Rattes.

XCashier

03-21-2013, 06:12 PM

Dear Mr. Hayte-Rattes,

The rats in question have been bred for many generations to be clean, tame and friendly and have the certification to prove it. We sold one yesterday that even gave me a good-bye nuzzle. Rats make excellent pets, and if you were to take the time to meet one of them, you would see that.

The health inspector visited us yesterday and gave us a certificate for having a clean pet store with extremely healthy pets. He, in fact, was the one who bought the rat, as well as a nice big cage, exercise ball and premium rat food. Just thought you'd like to know that.

Sincerely,
Lovey Petz, owner
Furry Friends Pet Store

*****

Dear Postmaster General,

I went to my local post office to drop off a package, and the sole clerk was taking way too long with the customer in front of me. Something about the customer not knowing the difference between a letter and a parcel, but so what, the clerk took too long! I was waiting a whole hour, from 8:30 to 8:40! Naturally I yelled at the clerk and told her what I thought of her. Several people in line called me a big mouth and said I was too loud, but so what! If that idiot had just taken me before the stupid customer, it would've solved everything!

That's three hours of my life I will never get back! I demand my own personal line and free postage for life, or I will take my business to your competitor!

Sincerely,
Blare Foghorn-Voice

Kristev

03-23-2013, 08:50 AM

Dear Ms. Foghorn-Voice,

You won't have to worry. Soon our office will be closing. Feel free to take your package to the shipping store in the town fifty miles away, which will charge triple the rates that we used to. I hear they have walls that echo so loudmouths end up having their own hostile words reflect right back at them, at the same volume...

Regretfully yours,

Soon to be ex-Postmaster General.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Snip, Snap, Snorem,

I took my son into your shop yesterday to get some magic supplies. You know, white doves, trick cards, a wand with secret flowers. He's got an important talent show at school and, since my arch rival, that snooty Mrs. Cendelor, is having her daughter put on a magic show, I insist my son do so. He wanted to sing, or dance, or something, but who cares? He's only fifteen. He doesn't know what he needs. I'm his mother, and after all, Mother knows best!

Anyway, I dragged him to your shop, and what did we find there? Men and women getting their hair cut. How dare Snip, Snap, Snorem be a beauty shop instead of a parlour trick shop?

Your coffee was caffeinated, and the only thing you had to snack on was a vending machine full of sweet garbage, like donuts and pastries! Not a veggie in sight!

And worst of all, Mrs. Cendelor was there! She was having her hair dyed, and when she found out what I'd come for, she laughed at me. And she got that idiotic black beautician who was attending her to laugh right along with her. Soon the whole shop was laughing. I almost had a heart attack!

I grabbed my son, and I had to slap him in the face because he was laughing too! Mrs. Cendelor has gone all over the school telling them what a bad mother and an idiot I am, and my son still has yet to buy the cheap magic kit at The Little Shop of Horrors. I asked him why, and he says he's so ashamed, he can't even think about magic. I had no choice but to acquiese to his request to sing or dance or whatever he wanted, poor dear. Well, that does it! Not only have you and your nitwit staff of laughing heyenas traumatized me, you've traumatized my son, too!

I demand that you give my son and I free magic kits, and free haircuts, washes, and dye jobs, for the rest of our lives, and that whenever I come in, you have strictly healthy coffee and sugar-free snack foods that must taste good waiting and personally served to me by that wretched black woman who laughed at me! You will also provide me with one million dollars and ban Mrs. Cendelor and her daughter for life.

If you refuse, I will sue you for emotional distress, my own, and my son's! That'll fix you!

Signed Vi Careous, Mother of two boys and a daughter who oddly somehow never seems to have time to talk to me or call me since she went on to college somewhere in England. She says she can't remember what city is, or the address, or...

Ashaela

03-28-2013, 05:44 PM

Ms. Careous:

It seems that you have communication issues with your son, as I can assure you he is very familiar with the range of hair-care services we provide and has had his highlights done here regularly for the last year. Might I suggest listening to him next time he tells you you're wrong? Also, you should be aware that your son is quite the excellent dancer and looks fa-HAB-ulous in costume. It's too bad you haven't been able to catch his act down at the club.

Regarding your racist remarks about staff, your insulting comments about our beloved vending machine, your ridiculous demands and your general lack of intelligence:

Up Yours.

Sincerely,
Jason Snorem
Snip, Snap Snorem

****

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing regarding an extremely distressing encounter I had at your hot dog cart last weekend. Your vendor is extremely unhelpful and refused to assist me with the simplest request. He actually had the nerve to tell me that you don't carry anything that I was asking for!

I find it difficult to believe that in today's day and age, you can't get a tofu corndog with organic, locally sourced mustard and turkey bacon on a gluten-free bun at a street-corner hot dog cart. I demand that you have this employee reprimanded and re-trained immediately, and that you give me three free hot dogs and an order of waffle fries. (The free hot dogs do not have to be tofu.)

I will be contacting the BBB to report you if I do not receive a response by tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Catch Upper

purplecat41877

04-07-2013, 07:13 AM

Dear Mr. Upper,

Unfortunately, our hot dog carts have a limited amount of space. If you want a certain hot dog, you'll need to go to a grocery store.

Sincerely,

R. Oll
Hot Dog Cart Manager

Dear Party Store Manager,

I stopped at your store on my way to my baby shower, requested to have 4 dozen balloons blown up (12 yellow, 12 light pink, 12 dark pink, and 12 purple), and your rude employee told me that I need to give advanced notice for a balloon order that large. Worse, the rude employee refused to deliver the balloons to my baby shower which was due to start in a couple hours. Thanks to the rude employee, my baby shower was ruined. I demand the rude employee be fired and that I get an $800 gift card and free balloons for life or I will start shoplifting from your store.

Sincerely,

B. A. Byshower

purplecat41877

05-01-2013, 05:52 AM

Dear Ms. Byshower,

We require advanced notice since there are other customers besides you and we don't offer delivery service. If you shoplift from our store, we will have you arrested and banned from the store.

Sincerely,

R. Ibbon
Manager

Dear Bridal Shop,

I came to your shop to pick out a wedding dress and all of them were white. I want to wear a purple wedding dress when I get married. I demand you start selling wedding dresses in different colors. If you don't, I will announce at my wedding reception that you ruined my wedding and post it online.

Sincerely,

B. R. Idezilla

XCashier

05-01-2013, 07:54 PM

Dear Ms. Idezilla,

I remember you. If you'd gone into the next room like I suggested, you would've seen formal gowns in all colors, including at least four different shades of purple. Pick one out, and for an additional fee have our seamstress add a little more lace, tulle, maybe add on a train, and it would've been a perfect wedding gown.

Even though white is traditional, nobody is forcing you to wear white. In fact, last month we sold a black wedding gown with blood-red trim to a couple who were getting a goth/vampire themed wedding. They even sent me pictures, which I intend to put up for Halloween. See, just use your imagination (and your bank account), we can take care of the rest.

Regards,
Mary Tal-Bliss, owner,
Mary's Bridal and Formal Shop

* * * * *

Dear store owner,

I came in the other day and bought stuff and you didn't have any bags for me! I demanded to know why and the stupid clerk gave me some guff about the entire city banning plastic bags. I remember seeing it on the news but still, I am teh customer and if I want plastic bags, by golly you better give me plastic bags. Either you get those plastic bags back in or I'm gonna sue you and your company!

Sincerely,
Saxon Baggs