Groaners

[Rapscallion]

Darth: I know what you are getting for christmas, Luke.

Luke: How?

Dath: I have felt your presents.



The inflatable headmaster to the inflatable shoolchild:

"You've let me down, you've let the school down, and most importantly of all you let yourself down."

Raspcallion, ducking

[DGoddessChardonnay]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*throwing rotten tomatoes*:p

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

That's it, I'm calling a groaner penalty!

Raps, you must apologize to all of us in a creative manner!

Comedy Sportz is sooo cool!

[Crosshair]

Yup, those where groaners. I have one.

Q. How do you tell Rapscallion is about to come on stage at the comedy club.
A. The manager unplugs the mic.:rimshot:

/All in good humor.:p
//Trying to be more original than posting *Throwing Rotten Tomatoes*

[Spiffy McMoron]

Here's a groaner that I heard today:

Q: Why did the snowman take off his pants?

A: He heard a snowblower was coming by!

:lol: :rimshot:

[erik316wttn]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick



Q: What do you call a midget pyschic on the run from the law?

A: A small medium at large.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

WARNING: Somewhat graphic sexual material ahead!










OK, you've been warned!










Why did Snow White get fired from Disneyworld?

She got caught sitting on Pinnochio's face yelling "Lie to me, you bastard, lie to me!"

[MadMike]

I was going to put this in its own thread, but since I consider it a "Groaner", I figured I'd put it here:

A fairy godmother decides to go into business for herself, and sets up her own shop. On her first day in business, a yellow toad comes into the shop.

"I'm tired of being yellow," he tells her, "I'm tired of people staring at me and making fun of me. I want to be green like the other toads."

"No problem!" says the fairy godmother. She waves her wand, and the toad turns green, except for his penis, which is still yellow.

"Well, this isn't going to work!", he complains, "You need to do something about this!"

"I'm afraid I can't do anything about that", she tells him, "You'll have to see the wizard for that."

"Well, how do I get to the wizard?"

She fumbles around, trying to remember how to get there, but after a bit of confusion, she finally figures it out. The toad leaves the store and starts making his way to the wizard.

Not even a minute later, a pink elephant comes into the shop.

"I'm tired of being a pink elephant", he tells her. "I want to be gray like the other elephants."

So she waves her wand, and the elephant turns gray, except for his penis.

The elephant complains about it, and the fairy godmother tells him he'll need to see the wizard.

"How do I get to the wizard?", he asks.

Not wanting to give out all the complicated directions again, she tells him, "Just follow the yellow-dick toad."

[protege]

Ugh.

*throws tomato* :D

[Rapscallion]

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Poke him on.

Rapscallion

[Crosshair]

Q. How do you get a Reindeer to go fast.

A. Take away its food. :rimshot:

[Crow The Robot]

Hickory, Dickory Dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one.
And the others escapd with minor injuries.
<ducks>

[flybye023]

Mary had a little lamb, and the doctor had a cow.

[Crosshair]

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb, with a side of mashed potatoes.

[Department stores *sigh*]

Q: When is a door not a door?

A: When its a jar!

Can you believe it took me two years to get that? mind you i was 4 when my dad told me it.

[tintaglia]

mary had a little lamb,
it gambols round in hops.
it went upon the road one day,
and ended up as chops :)

[MadMike]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

[Crow The Robot]

What did the beaver say to his nosy neighbour?
Mind your own dam business.
<runs like hell>

[rvdammit]

An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Bartender says
"What is this, some kind of joke?"

[DarthRetard]

Two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff. Ba Dum Chshhhh

This isnt necessarily a tell-someone joke, it's something i like to do to customers. They come in and ask for rabbit ears (antennas), and I'll stop, look confused, thinking, touch my ears, and shake my head confused and say "Uhhhh....no.....HUuuuuuumaaaan."

*puts on blindfold and smokes cigarette*

[iradney]

Three old ladies sitting on a bench in a park. Suddenly, a young man rushes up to them and flashes them! The first old lady has a stroke! The second old lady has a stroke! The third old lady can't reach... ;)

[MadMike]

Three hard-of-hearing old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

"Windy, isn't it?" asks the first.

"No, it's Thursday!" answers the second.

"Me too," says the third, "Let's go get a drink!"

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

My groaner for the day....

You have two potatoes. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?













You look for the label that says "Idaho"!

[DarthRetard]

The credit for this one goes to monty python......

What's brown and like a bell?

Duuuuuuuuuuuung.:lol:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Anybody hear the latest joke for psychics?

No?

Okay! Here it is:

[BlaqueKatt]

I had to name my pet pig Ink-

He kept running out of his pen

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Oh yeah?!

My parents bought me a dog for protection once. He was a wonderful dog. One time when I got held up, he sat and watched. He was a watchdog.

Most people name their dogs something "Fido" or "Rover". I named my dog "sex".

One day I took Sex for a walk, and he ran away from me. I spent all day looking for him. A cop came up to me and asked me "What are you doing in this alley at 3:00 in the morning?"

I told him "I'm looking for Sex". That wasn't much fun to explain to the judge.

One day I went to get a license for my dog. I told the clerk "I'd like to get a license for Sex." He said, "I'd like to have one too!"

Then I told him "But this is the dog!" The clerk told me he didn't care how she looked.

I then said "But I've had Sex since I was three years old!"

When I got divorced from my wife, we went to court for custody of the dog. I told the Judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before we were married!" He said "So did I!"

I then told him that after we married, Sex left me. He said "Me too!"

When I told him I once had Sex on TV, he said "Show-off!" I them told the Judge it was a contest, and he said I should have sold tickets.

I also told the judge that when we got married, on our honeymoon I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife, and a special room for Sex. He told me "All our rooms are for sex!"

"But you don't understand!" I said to the clerk. "Sex keeps me awake at night!" He said "Me too!"

I give up.

[Broomjockey]

Did you hear about the two guys who robbed the calendar factory?


They each got six months!

[Sphinx]

:roll: Omg am I wrong for loving these kind of jokes??:lol:

[MadMike]

Two morons decided to go hunting for bears. They were walking along a road, when the road forked. At the fork was a sign that said "Bear left."

So they went home.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Who ever said that there was no sex on tv in the 1950's?

Seriously! How many times have you heard June Cleaver coming down the stairs and saying "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

I apologize for the fact that now none of you will be able to watch Leave it to Beaver the same way ever again!

Mongo

And for pitys sake...the kids name...Beaver Cleaver? What was he? A little prick?

[Giggle Goose]

This lady had a dog named Free Show. She wasn't very bright. One day she was in the shower and saw the dog from the window running out of the house, so without thinking she runs out of the house, running naked down the street screaming "FREE SHOW! FREE SHOW"

*is too stunned she told this joke to actually duck*

[Lyger]

There was a doctor who would get stressed at his job, doing what doctors do. And every day, after work, he would go see his friend, Dick, a bartender. And at this bar, Dick would always know that his doctor friend was coming, and would have an almond daquiri waiting for the doctor. And every day, the doctor would come in, have the drink, talk to Dick for a spell, and then go home.

One day, Dick realizes he doesn't have any almonds. The only thing left is a hickory nut. Dick thinks, "Well, the doctor isn't going to notice." So he makes a daquiri with the hickory nut as best he can. So eventually, the doctor comes into the bar and takes a sip. He looks at Dick and says "Dick, is this an almond daquiri?"

And Dick replies, "No. It's a hickory daquiri, Doc."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Didja hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent husbands?
I's called Nut 'N Raisin Honey

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A happy pit bull

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted "I am Napolean!"
"How do you know?" asked another inamte.
"God told me!" said the first inmate.
Another inamte then shouted, "I did NOT!"

[myswtghst]

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?





A: Fo Drizzle.
:D

*giggles to self, as she does everytime she tells this joke*

[DarthRetard]

Hahahha. Mys, you just reminded me of another I'd heard.....

It was 50 Cent's birthday, and he was opening presents, and they were all great, but Eminem gave him one he'd never forget.

He opens it up...and what do you know? It's a sweater, and do you know what Fitty Cent says?

50: Gee, You Knit?

*climbs down to bomb shelter*

[MystyGlyttyr]

I don't get it...:confused:

[Rapscallion]

"G-Unit" - apparently the name of some person who takes larges amounts of money from people so he can tell them how good he is (see: rapper, con artist, politician).

Rapscallion

[MystyGlyttyr]

*blink...blink...*

Okay...I see the joke and I get it but why would it be called G-Unit? Eh, never mind...

-Mysty, who can never get a whole joke because she can't stop analyzing it's parts...

[Broomjockey]

50: Gee, You Knit?



"G-Unit" - apparently the name of some person who takes larges amounts of money from people so he can tell them how good he is (see: rapper, con artist, politician).

Rapscallion

*blink...blink...*

Okay...I see the joke and I get it but why would it be called G-Unit? Eh, never mind...



Gee, You Knit = G-Unit, which, if I remember correctly, is the name of a rap group that 50 cent created. Just your basic word pun.

[ISellCars]

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." :rimshot:

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." :rimshot:


A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear". :rimshot:

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

[evilhomer]

Ya hear about the newfie family that froze at the drive in?

They were watching "CLOSED FOR THE SEASON"



Newfies: Newfoundland residents, known in the great white north for not being too brite. And I be half Newfie dere buoy so I don't wants to hear nobody saying nuting bad about dem dere fine peoples.

[DarthRetard]

I'm guilty of this one....

GUy walks into my store, complaining about how this phone he bought from wal-mart didnt even have working parts... I couldnt resist.

"Sir, maybe it's a phony?"

[ISellCars]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road”.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra..


What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!


I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.


A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.

So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job! :violin:

[Lace Neil Singer]

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "How do we drive this thing?"

Two sausages in a frying pan. One said to the other, "Hot enough for you?" The other screamed, "Argh! A talking sausage!"

Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye beat the sh*t out of him.


OK, I'll stop now. >_<

[MadMike]

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.


Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He doesn't believe there really is a dog.

[Phoenix79]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheeseca! ke," sa id the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - !

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Phoenix :wave:

[Lace Neil Singer]

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Labrador?
A: A dog that scares the sh*t out of you, then runs away with your toilet paper!

[MadMike]

Q: What does a buck-toothed cow say?

A: Moof!

[DGoddessChardonnay]

An oldie but goodie . . . .

There was once a hit man named Artie. He wasn't very good at his job, but he was persistent nonetheless.

A guy saw his ad in the paper and called upon him to do a hit on his wife. They both agreed on a nominal fee of one dollar.

A few days later, Artie followed the wife to the grocery store, whereupon he proceeded to strangle her on a deserted aisle.

Or so he thought it was deserted. Turned out there were two witnesses, who Artie proceeded to do away with as well before being caught by the police.

The next morning, the headline read in the local newspaper:

Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at the A&P.
:rimshot:

[BusBus]

A guy goes to his doctor, complaining of bodily pains.

Doctor: "So, what seems to be the problem?"

Guy: "Well, it hurts when I poke here..." The guy proceeds to poke his leg...."and it hurts when I poke here".... The guy proceeds to poke his ribcage...." and it also hurts when I poke here"...The guy then pokes his nose.

Doctor: "Hmm...I see. Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."

:rimshot:

[NightAngel]

Two campers are sitting next to their campfire when suddenly an angry, mean grizzley bear rampages into their camp!

Camper 1 grabs his track shoes and throws them on really fast.
Camper 2 says: "What're you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
Camper 1 smiles at Camper 2 and says: "It's not the bear I have to outrun."

[Lace Neil Singer]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."


Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"


(all jokes that were emailed to me. If I have to suffer, then you all should too! :lol:)

[MadMike]

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?

He caught chirpes.

The worst part is, it's untweetable.

[Chanlin]

A trio of hunters goes out for a camping trip each talking up his skill at hunting and bragging about the type of game they are going to catch. So they decide to put their money where their mouth is and hold a contest. They will each go out one at a time and have one night to catch the fiercest creature they can hunt and bring it back to camp.

On the first night the first hunter goes out. He's out for about ten hours when he comes back to camp dragging the corpse of a fierce looking boar. When asked how he did it he replied, "Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I shot me a boar."

Not to be outdone the second one goes out on the second night. He comes back about fifteen hours later slightly cut up but otherwise alright and dragging the corpse of a huge grizzly bear. The first and the third hunter are very impressed by this and ask how he did it. He responds, "Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I shot me a grizzly."

Well the third despite being very impressed and fairly sure he can't top a grizzly heads out anyway on the third night. He's gone for over 24 hours. The decide to give him another day thinking he got something very impressive and is having trouble bringing it back to camp. When he doesn't come back the others get worried. As they are about to go and look for him they get a call on their cellular phones from a local hospital. It is their friend. "Hey guys, I'm ok, I got hurt bad but I'm alive."

"What happened" They ask, to which they get this reply.....

"Simple, I went out into the woods, I found me some tracks, I followed those tracks and I got hit by a train." :rimshot:

[thegiraffe]

How do you make a kleenex dance?

You put some boogie in it!

*ducks and runs*

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

How do you spot the blind man in a nudist camp?

It isn't hard....

[April]

Who is the most popular man at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a dozen donuts and a cup of coffee in each hand.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut

[tintaglia]

whats round and nasty?

a vicious circle

:D

[NightAngel]

Did you hear about the Agonostic Dyslexic Insomniac?



He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog?


:rimshot:
Bu-Dum-Chee!

[DarthRetard]

BOOOOOOOOOO....just.....boo....wow......jeez.

I don't think my brain can't take this.


This is a two parter:

1. There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One looks at the other, says "Hey, it's getting warm in here! The other one looks right at him and screams "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

2. There's a dinosaur and a robot in a theme park. The robot wanted to go on the rollercoaster, so they get in line. They get in the car, and as soon as they're at the top, the dinosaur looks over at the robot frightened.....and he says, "Oh man, oh man oh man oh man, I forgot, I'm scared of rollercoasters.......!" The robot slowly turns to him, and with an astonished look on his metallic face....screams...

....
....

wait for it......













'HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!":lol: im sorry.....

[NightAngel]

'HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!":lol: im sorry.....

And you have the guile to boo my joke?!
:p
:D

[DarthRetard]

And you have the guile to boo my joke?!
:p
:D


Look! A Talking muffin!:roll:


Oh, I slay me...someone better j ust block me from this thread before i cause anymore damage to the ozone layer.....

[MadMike]

Did you hear about the dehydrated Frenchman?

His name was Pierre, and that's all he could do.

[Lace Neil Singer]

OK, this one is truly terrible; apologies to the people who's names I misused, but I couldn't think of anyone else's on the spot.

Raps: My pen's just run out.
Ree: Quick, run after it!

[rvdammit]

Patient: I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together!

[MadMike]

Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together?

They made an ass of themselves.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Did you hear about the man who fell into a river in France?

He went in Seine.

[Kara]

Two pretzels were walking down the street, and one was assaulted ("a salted." Thanks Monty Python)
___________________________

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
___________________________

A man came down to breakfast one morning and his wife asked him why he had been out so late the night before.

"Oh, it was wonderful, dear," he replied. "There's this new bar that just opened called the Golden Palace. I was there all night! They have golden doors, and golden floors. They even have golden urinals!"

Skeptical, the wife searched around and found that there was indeed a bar called the Golden Palace, so she called them.

"Excuse me," she asked the bartender on the phone, "but do you have golden doors?"
"Yes."
"And do you have golden floors."
"Yes we do."
"And do you have golden urinals?"
The bartender thought for a moment, then called out "Hey Al, I think we got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

___________________________

A pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel in his pants.

"Hey," the bartender asks, "what's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replied, "Arrg, it drives me nuts."

___________________________

A husband and wife had an argument and stopped talking to each other. This went on for days, until the husband needed to get up early to leave for a business trip. Not wanting to lose the battle and be the first to speak, he wrote "Wake me up at 5. I have a flight in the morning," and gave it to his wife before going to bed. The next morning he awoke to find sunlight filling the bedroom and he could hear birds singing outside. It was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he looked over and saw that his wife was not in bed, but there was a note on his pillow that she had left him. "It's 5am. Wake up."

[Kara]

Just remembered a great groaner (aren't you lucky?).

A cathedral put out a notice that they were seeking a bell ringer. A few days later, a man approached the abbot and said he was interested in the job. The abbot looked him over and saw that he had no arms.

"My good man," the abbot said, "I appreciate your interest, but there are certain...qualifications I'm afraid you are lacking."
"Please, sir," the man said. "I desperately need a job. Besides, I have other ways I can perform the task."
Intrigued, the abbot led the man up to the tower and showed him the large bell. "Well, it's right about 2 o'clock," he said. "Let's see how you do."
The man stepped back, put his head down, and ran straight into the bell, and it rang louder and clearer than ever before. The man stepped back a second time and did it again, the second ring as perfect as the first.
"Excellent," the abbot exclaimed. "You'll start in the morning!"

The next day, the man came in and started his routine at 6am. He did fine until noon. By the 11th ring he had become very dizzy, and as he charged at the bell a final time he ran right past it and fell from the tower, and plummeted to his death.

The abbot called the police and met them outside by the body.
"A terrible tragedy," the abbot said.
"Do you know this man's name, your grace?" the investigator asked.
"No," the abbot replied. "But his face rings a bell."

[iradney]

Little Boy blew


Hey, he needed the money....

[BookstoreEscapee]

Man goes to the doctor, and says: Some days I think I'm a wigwam, and some days I think I'm a teepee. Doctor says, you should relax...you're two tents.

Woman goes to the doctor and says, "Every time I drink my tea I get a piercing pain in my eye." Doctor examines her eye and asks her some questions to determine the cause. Finally he has an answer for her. "Take the spoon out of your cup."

[XCashier]

"Do you know this man's name, your grace?" the investigator asked.
"No," the abbot replied. "But his face rings a bell."
Have you heard the follow-up to that one?

The next day, another man comes for the bell-ringing job. The abbot notices he looks a lot like the previous, late bell-ringer. "He was my brother," the man explained, "and he loved church-bells, so I'd like to take the job and ring the bells in his memory." Touched, the abbot hires the man.

The next day, the man started his job, and rang the bells perfectly, but around noon, he slipped off the bell tower and fell to his death.

The police returned, and the investigator asked the abbot for the dead man's name.

The abbot replied, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?











Melt them into a tire and call it a Goodyear!

[Caveat Emptor]

Man goes to the doctor, and says: Some days I think I'm a wigwam, and some days I think I'm a teepee. Doctor says, you should relax...you're two tents.



Don't you know we're past tense? We're into bungalows now.

[Caveat Emptor]

There were two young skunks named Out and In. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day, their mother told Out "Bring In in." Out found In very quickly, and the mother asked how he did it.

"Instinct."

:rimshot:

[Giggle Goose]

*This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*

There was a boy who did poorly in math. His parents tried everything they could to improve his grades, from studying for hours on end to getting tutors. Finally, they were at the end of their rope and decided to send him to a Catholic school where he would be more disciplined.

The parents were so happy when he bring his first math test home with an "A.' Shocked, his mother asks: "What happened to make this sudden change?"

The boy replied: "Well, I got there and saw that guy nailed to that plus sign and knew they meant business!"

[MystyGlyttyr]

*This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*
PLEASE EDIT QUOTES

Heh, the first person I heard this joke from was a NUN. :lol:

[BookstoreEscapee]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
:lol:
:o
:ashamed:
I'm sorry

[lordlundar]

Owwwww, my head...

Okay, here's one:


A man walks into a bar.
He sais "ouch".

:ashamed: :sorry:

[Rapscallion]

Have you heard about those new Viagra eyedrops?

They make you look f***ing hard.

Rapscallion

[nhollywood]

A sting walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to the sign that says "No Strings Allowed". The string walks out but really wants a drink so he ties himself up, ruffles himself up a bit and walks back in. He orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?" The string shouts "String? String? I'm a frayed knot!"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits at the bottom of a hole?
Phil

What do you call two men who hang on either side of a window?
Kurt and Rod

What do you call a man and a woman with no arms and no legs who sit on a grill?
Frank and Patti

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a swimming pool?
Dwayne

I've got more...

[marlovino]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?
BOB


What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door?
MAT



What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.


:rimshot:
Thank you, Thank you. I will be here.... for another 5 minutes.
Don't forget to tip your waitress and try the veal.
Thank you.





http://members.cox.net/scavenger7/Smilies/tomaatit.gif

[Chained to the counter]

Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy.
"But Daisy's nont insane" said Donalds lawyer.
"I didn't say she was insane" protested Donald
"I said she was fucking Goofy"


Diana and Barbara were at the shopping centre
"There's my husband coming out of the florist with a dozen red roses. That means i'm going to have to keep my legs up in the air for 3 days." said Diana
"Why" asked Barbara "Don't you have a vase"

:rimshot:


How do you confuse an Archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask whick period it's from.

Bad i know :ashamed:

[latenightchild]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tracter?
....wheres my tractor?:angel:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

Sparky.

:lol:

[Kara]

Nurse: Doctor, the Invisible Man is waiting in room 23.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

*dodges tomatoes*

[Kara]

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''

[DarthRetard]

How many video gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, I'll have to read the manual, and check GamFaqs.com first, then buy the player's guide, play online for a bit......

[Ree]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

What do you get when you cross Lassie's puppy with a canteloupe?

A melon-collie baby! :rimshot:

[MadMike]

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl.

[dawntazz]

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl.

That's just so wrong.....Again you need warnings

[Kara]

Q: What happened when Napoleon went to mount Olive?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Popeye got pissed!

[Professional Serf]

Moles

Moles (groan)
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby
Mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks
His head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell
Maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
Says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,


"Crumb, all I can smell is....

Scroll down.......

Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

MOLEASSES!
__________________

[Professional Serf]

Rolling Stones

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotchman?


The Rolling stones sing "Hey You Get Off of My Cloud" and a Scotchman sings- "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe".

[Professional Serf]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

With each marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

A plateau is high form of flattery.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

There was a person who sent 20 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.

[Rapscallion]

Apparently it's genuinely Star Wars day.

May the Fourth be with you.

Rapscallion

[Lace Neil Singer]

How was copper wire invented?

Two Scotsmen fought over a penny.

(Hides from angry kilt wearers)

[Professional Serf]

Doughboy
Sad news... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment industry.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[tollbaby]

1. There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One looks at the other, says "Hey, it's getting warm in here! The other one looks right at him and screams "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

My two best friends were sitting in the car while we were waiting for our turn at the drive-through. So S starts telling this joke... but as soon as he says "it's getting warm in here...", T blurts out "But muffins can't talk!" and ruined the punch line :D I just about died laughing and they kicked me out of the car :roll:

[Professional Serf]

Girl Potato and Boy Potato


Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally
they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called
'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they
told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater
Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make
a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay
home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise
so as to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch
out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . . . And the greasy guys
from France called the French Fries .

. .And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and
narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or
the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on
all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just........................

Are you ready for this?......................





Are you sure?............................





OK! Here it is!............................





A COMMON TATER !

[counterjockey]

Q. What did the zombie say to the pretty girl in the bar one night?


A. Baby, I'd like to fork your brains out.




I'm sorry, George Romero...

[Giggle Goose]

Yo momma is so fat she entered a fat contest and won first, second and third place!

*runs away*

[XCashier]

Yo momma so ugly her psychiatrist makes her lie on the couch face down! :D

[cinema guy]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.


What do you call a Frenchman with a car on is head?
Jaques.

[rvdammit]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

[MadMike]

Q: What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

A: He got pissed off.

[Shabo]

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

I want to take Gingko Biloba to improve my memory, but I always forget to take the pills.

[Professional Serf]

Land! Land! cried the King! The Queen gave him a kick in the nuts and he got 2 achers.

[counterjockey]

Ooh! I got another one!

The other day I was in the car, and I saw a salmon truck get pulled over for going the wrong way up a one-way street.

...


...


...laugh now. This is about when most people get it.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

What's the proper medical term for the circumcision of a male rabbit?


A hare cut.

[DigitalEngine]

Okay, haven't posted in a looong time since I don't work in retail anymore, but I just couldn't resist.
------------------------------------------
A man was riding his horse down a deserted country lane. Suddenly, a cat came out of nowhere and darted across the street. The man quickly pulled on the reins just in time to stop the horse from trampling the cat. The cat stared at the man and snapped, "What's the matter with you? Are you blind?"
The man went :eek: "A talking cat?!"
"I know, I could hardly believe it myself," said the horse.


Three women boarded the elevator in their apartment building. In the elevator, they noticed a strange stain on the wall.
The first woman took a closer look, and said, "That looks like cum."
The second woman came over and sniffed the stain, and said "It sure smells like cum,"
The third woman joined them and licked the stain, and said "It is cum! But it's not from anyone in this building."


I'm bad, I know :angel:

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Didja know that Jeffrey Dahmer was a chain-smoker?

Yes it's true! They found a bunch of butts behind his couch!

:rimshot:

[Fera Festiva]

Three women boarded the elevator in their apartment building. In the elevator, they noticed a strange stain on the wall.
The first woman took a closer look, and said, "That looks like cum."
The second woman came over and sniffed the stain, and said "It sure smells like cum,"
The third woman joined them and licked the stain, and said "It is cum! But it's not from anyone in this building."

The version of that joke I know ends with, "It is dog shit! Lucky we didn't step in it."

:devil:

[wynjara]

Implied bad language warning...

There's a penguin with no arms and no legs (or flippers or wings or...) lying on the side of the freeway. How does he get himself across the freeway?
.
.
.

He took the F out of Free and the F out of Way.
.
.
.

Think about it...
.
.
.


Exactly. There *is* no F-in' way.

[Professional Serf]

Can you read these right the first time?

01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
__________________

[Professional Serf]

A man went into the doctor's office and said that he had a weird ailment. The doc asked him what was wrong. The guy told the doc to lean over and listen to his hipbone. The doctor did.

"Please, mister, could you loan me $10?" a voice from the hip said.

The doctor stood up quickly and looked at the man puzzled saying, "I've never heard anything like that in all my years of practice!"

"That's nothing, doc. Listen to my knee."

The doc leans over and puts his ear near the guy's knee.

"Sir, you seem like a kind soul. Could you give me $1?"

The doc's eyes widened and he was baffled.

"Take a listen to my shin, doc."

So the doctor leaned to listen to his shin.

"Sir, could you give me $5? It would help me tremendously."

"So what do you think? What's wrong with me?" asked the man.

To which the doctor replied, "I'm not real sure why there's voices coming from you, but I can tell you this. Your leg is broke in 3 places."