View Full Version : Unwanted
03-18-2010, 06:16 PM
So I'm probably just overreacting, but I feel like my mother never wanted me. The other day, quite randomly, she brought it up to me in conversation. She mentioned that it was my estranged biological father that wanted another boy, and by the sound of it, she grudgenly[sic] agreed. So now I feel like crap; and during a holiday like this, it really sucks. I just want to know...does it sound like I'm unwanted?
03-18-2010, 06:32 PM
I think maybe she was going through a point of 'Where would my life be right now if...'
I wouldn't take it to heart and just give her the love you have given her before. Because like it or not your here and have been here, nothing is going to change it.
Hell I get to hear all the time how Mom would have loved to work at a weather station up north or how she always wanted to go river rafting. And if she hadn't married my ex Father she would have gone after her highschool sweetheart who became and succesful lawyer.
I think it's almost normal sometimes to wonder at the what if's. Next time she brings it up, discuss it with her. Might find something out about her that you would have never known otherwise.
03-18-2010, 07:01 PM
There's a big difference between "I didn't really want another child" and not loving you now that you're here. But (hopefully) you know your mother better than we do.
03-19-2010, 06:37 PM
I wouldn't read too much into it. I know my mom wasn't ready for a family when my older sister was born, but she loved my sister and loves the rest of us too. A lot of the time things happen, not necessarily at the best time, but we learn that we can be happy, not despite it, but because of it. You don't sound unwanted. :hugs:
*hugs* there, there.
I wouldn't read too deeply into it. Just chalk it up to one of those moments we all have from time to time when we just randomly blurt something out that's extremely rude or inappropriate. It happens to the best of us.
You happened for a reason. Remember that.
03-26-2010, 05:18 PM
It might have also been one of those 'I want to be your friend so I'm telling you this stuff' sort of moment. Some parents just don't realize that there are some conversations you just shouldn't have with your kids EVER no matter how old they are. A few years ago my mom was complaining that she kind of wished she hadn't married my dad.... and she did that until we threw a fit and said 'how do you think that makes us feel??? because we wouldn't be here then.... So she said sorry and stopped...
And that is why you have friends that you can say anything too. Because lets face it being a parent is hard stuff! I've got a 4 and 2 year old and I'd be lying if I said there weren't days when I wished I'd gotten things finished before kids or almost wished I hadn't had any. But I chalk that up to just rough days with kids and being emotional about it. And even though I may think that I wouldn't change anything for the world and I'll never tell my kids I didn't want them.
Did she ever make you feel like you weren't wanted before she said that? I don't think she meant to make you feel that way.
I know your mom's situation. I didn't want my youngest. I did it for the man. Resulted in a miserably depressing pregnancy, even worse PPD (that ended up with me on a suicide watch), and difficulty bonding with my baby. But now she is my shadow. She makes me laugh everyday. She touches my heart everyday (she's got some minor developmental obstacles that she's fighting and makes my heart celebrate everyday she progresses). She's needed my help more than the other kids, and for me to fight for her. By the way, she's only 4 (this week).
So when I think about how I initially didn't want her, I also think about how wrong I was, and what a tremendous blessing she is to our family. I hope that's what your mom meant too. Maybe she's just not so good with words.
03-29-2010, 04:16 AM
Hobbs - don't worry about it.
I *WAS* unwanted. My bio-mom was pressured to either give me up for adoption or have a back-alley abortion.
This was 40+years ago.
Sometimes things are said in haste that are not real.
I'm just a lucky bugger that 42 year into this thing called life to have a opportunity to have met my bio-family and get to know the sisters I didn't know I had until last October.
03-29-2010, 09:23 AM
You are a warrior. A guardian. A soldier. A writer. A great man.
Look, it may have sucked to have heard it from your mom, and I got a story like that. (But thats not here or now). She does love ya, deep down.
and in the tiniest chance she doesnt?
Your still loved. and wanted. Here. By us. Period.
03-29-2010, 04:12 PM
What Plaidman said.
03-29-2010, 05:15 PM
What Plaidman said.
+ about a billion on that
And to help put things into perspective: We had my daughter when my other kids were relatively old. Now, little kids are basically anchors... they really limit what you can do in life. So after finally getting some relief after years of being anchored by my older kids, I sometimes think "if only we hadn't had her"... however: she is pretty much my favourite person on the entire planet, and if anything ever happened to her I would literally be unable to function - being hit by a bus would be preferable.
04-01-2010, 08:26 AM
So I'm probably just overreacting, but I feel like my mother never wanted me.
My mother one day told me what to tell any unplanned children I had, when they asked. "Darling, I didn't plan to have you, but I'm so glad it happened."
Is your mother glad she had you? If so - that's what matters in the relationship with your mother.
As for your general worth as a person: that has nothing to do with whether you were planned or not, or what your parents think. You have the inherent worth of all people, plus all the stuff Plaidman said. :)
04-01-2010, 08:10 PM
A friend of mine was a rather late in life surprise, what with her mother having had her tubes tied already. My friend's take on it? "See, your parents had already decided they wanted kids. They were desperate enough to take anything. I, on the other hand, was considered worth keeping."
It was hilarious, although I really wish my mother hadn't agreed as strongly as she did.
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