wedding planning advice

[Green_Fairy]

so...here's the thing. my mum has cancer and might not be long for this earth. i'm engaged. fiance's due back from iraq in either november or december. we have no idea which. no one has any idea when he'll be back. i was planning a wedding for next spring but...well, my mum might not be around then.
what the hell am i going to do? i want her there but how can i plan a wedding when i'm going to tell people "well, it's going to be anywhere between november first and new year's."?

[iradney]

Well, what you could do, is hold a small ceremony with just your parents and his, when he gets back. Then hold another one later (if you want) with all your friends and other family members...
It's only a suggestion, you may very well get far better ones from the other members here...

[Jester]

fiance's due back from iraq in either november or december.

i want her there but how can i plan a wedding when i'm going to tell people "well, it's going to be anywhere between november first and new year's."?

Well, if he is definitely going to be back at some point in December, it seems reasonable to plan a wedding for January. That is the soonest time when he will definitely be back and you can hold the wedding, as far as I can see. Right?

[trailerparkmedic]

You could do a small ceremony when he's home on leave (immediate family, courthouse or cool local place, maybe nice dinner at resturant?) and then plan for a big ceremony later (I've seen lots of people do stuff on 1 year anniversaries). That was my original plan with the ex. Not sure about your branch but the Army gave us 3 weeks notice on his leave which might be enough time to get everyone in for a weekend.

[Exaspera]

I think that the longer you delay, the less well your Mom will feel, and the less she will be able to enjoy the ceremony to it's fullest.

I agree with the small wedding for family only, then a reception when your sweetie comes back.

Great site for like this: Etiquette Hell.com. They have very friendly advice forums.

[MaggieTheCat]

Getting married at a courthouse by a justice of the peace is very simple, fast, and inexpensive. In Texas, there is a 3 days waiting period from the time you get your marriage license to when you can hold the actual ceremony, but we even got that waived since we had taken a "marriage training" class earlier in the year. Other than getting the license, just call up a justice of the peace in your area and ask if and when he/she does marriages. Ours took all of about 20 o 25 minutes and cost I think about $100, plus like $7 for the marriage license. Honestly it was so simple and so little stress, with everything else going on in your life between mom being sick and fiance being away and who knows what else, it will probably save you loads and loads of headaches compared to if you planned a great big wedding and reception.

I'd say have a small ceremony as soon as you can, whenever you know your fiance will be home...you can still plan the big she-bang for next spring or whenever, if you want to...you might be able to renew your vows or something, or just have a nice big reception with all of your friends and family who didn't come to the actual ceremony.

[trailerparkmedic]

Maggie, did you go to one of those 8 hour free classes? If so, was it mind numbingly dull or was it tolerable? I was thinking about going to save the money on the marriage license but I'm not sure if its worth $60.

Green Fairy, most states will wave timeframes for getting married if you're active duty.

[MaggieTheCat]

I'm pretty sure the one we went to was free, yeah. It was supposed to be 8 hours but in reality was more like 5 or 6, and that was with an hour lunch break. It seemed like the instructor did this class pretty often and had figured out how to condense it into less time without losing too much content. We still covered most of the booklet he gave us.

It was fairly mind-numbing for my husband and I, mostly because a lot of it was stuff that seemed like common sense to us. We went over stuff like, "Who do you talk to first when you're upset at your SO? Your mother, your friend, or your SO?" and "Here is a list of chores that are going to need to be done when you two are living together. Who is going to do them? (stuff like laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking out the garbage, taking care of children/pets, organizing financials and paying bills, etc.)" I know we went over some things that were fairly interesting but for the most part it was kind of "duh" stuff to us. But there were a lot of kids in the class, in their late teens or early 20s, and I think the class was largely aimed at them, and also at couples who weren't living together yet (husband and I were already living together before we took the class, so the activity about who's going to do what chores was a no-brainer.) My husband and I were by far the oldest couple, at 25 and 27.

Was it worth it? Eh, I'd say it was, for $60, and also so we didn't have to wait to get married after we got our license. We ended up saying one week a few months after the class, "Let's get married this weekend!", got our license on a Thursday or Friday and got married on the following Saturday, so waiving the 72-hour wait period worked in our favor. The class wasn't that bad, and it was nice that we got to spend the whole time together and not have to interact with anyone else. The biggest complaint we had was that we took it in...like...June, I think, and it was in an upstairs room of a church with no AC (ours was not a religious class, but it was still at a church anyway, just for the record.) It was freaking HOT. We did have a fan, but still, there were 12 or 14 of us (not including the instructor) in this little room on a bright sunny Texas summer day so...yeah.

[ArcticChicken]

You could always have a small civil ceremony for immediate family, then have a larger ceremony for everyone later.

It's what my dad did, he and his wife got legally married in their living room with family, but they exchanged vows in a lovely ceremony the next day at a hotel by a lake, it was gorgeous.

There's no reason you can't do the same thing, just with more time between the two.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My friend's fiance was in the reserves, and they were planning to get married in November of 2002; after September 11 happened, they got married in November of '01, just in case he ended up being deployed (he wasn't, luckily). Civil ceremony, just immediate family. Very few people knew they were actually married, and they had the church ceremony and reception in '02, as planned.

[Solumina]

I agree with the small wedding and large event farther off. From experience I can tell you that a small family thing can quickly snowball into a rather large and involved event so my advice to you is to not make it a mini-wedding with a larger one in the near future that will include everyone, have a small wedding and plan a large renewal farther out. A justice of the piece is a great option but there are also a lot of small chapels that should be able to nicely accommodate you. I'm sure that you want your mom to be able to really see you as a bride so go ahead and go all out with your wedding dress, hair, and makeup. Have your something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new. Just know that really all that will matter to her is seeing you as you make a promise to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.

[Green_Fairy]

this is all great advice. we would totally go ahead with a JotP marriage, but he did that for his first one and he wants an actual wedding now. my original plan was to have a small wedding when he got back with just family and a few close friends, and then have a reception in the spring when the weather's nicer.
my biggest issue tho is making reservations. most places have a non-refundable deposit and need a reservation months out. lol i had an idea a few days ago to see if we could shut down this (http://www.rembrandtscoffeehouse.net/) coffee house for an hour or so for the small ceremony because we first met there. but i dunno.
flowers also have issues with wilting, so if i spend $100 on flowers and he's not back in time, i'm out that $100.
i also don't want to get married too close to christmas cuz...well, i just don't wanna.
ugh. i wish i could just call up the navy and be all "hey! send The Boy home so i can marry him before my mum dies! then you can have him back."

[Elspeth]

on the flower front, you could use silk flowers. We did for our wedding and looked really nice. Maybe a community center to have the wedding and receiption? That is where we had ours. Had a nice building and came with tables. It wasn't too expensive if I remember right.

[Jester]

Well then have the small wedding with your mom in someone's yard, a friend or a relative. Do it in January, to make everything work. And for the florist, once you know your boy's time table, contact one or all of them immediately. You can have a "real wedding" without it being the whole elaborate affair. A compromise between what he wants and what is realistic and feasible with your mother's timetable. And then a larger to do later on.

If he is not willing to compromise like that for your mother, perhaps you should question whether this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with....

[trailerparkmedic]

we would totally go ahead with a JotP marriage, but he did that for his first one and he wants an actual wedding now.

Tell him in plain words "I am planning XXXX (small wedding, JotP, marriage at the circus, whatever) when you first get home for my mother and we will have the big to do later, which you can help plan if you want." This is obviously a non-negotiable point for you so he needs to know it is non-negotiable.

When looking for places, don't be afraid to pull the "fiance is deployed right now" and the "my mom has cancer" cards. I know you wouldn't be sucky, but asking for some sympathy will help you get strings pulled.

[Magpie]

To bear in mind if you're wanting a church wedding at any point - many churches won't hold pretend weddings. They'll only do the big conspicuous consumption wedding that the relatives are going to yell at you if you don't have if you aren't married yet. Apparently a lot of people don't know this, because I saw so many people bitching about how their pastor wouldn't do the whole nine yards for a renewal of vows. (If you're not doing a church wedding you should be safe, I've never heard of a secular officiant who has restrictions like that, and besides, if it's not a church you have more than one place you can go.)

[BookstoreEscapee]

My cousin got married just after New Years; they just used the poinsettas and Christmas tree that were already in the church for their decorations.

[Sheldonrs]

I'm just wondering if it would be possible for you have a small ceremony now, with your groom via web cam from where he is so your Mom can be sure to see it happen.

[Green_Fairy]

I'm just wondering if it would be possible for you have a small ceremony now, with your groom via web cam from where he is so your Mom can be sure to see it happen.

nope. we gotta at least be in the same country for all the paper work to be legit ^_^

and neither of us want a huge wedding. neither of us want to have it in a church. we both want a small wedding with just family and a few friends. my main issue is scheduling it so we can get married like...a week after he lands in the states again.
our original plan was small wedding when he got back, reception in the spring. mom's cancer just makes it all that much more urgent to have the wedding as soon as possible. my main issue is the planning around the uncertain time of him coming home.
i was talking to my brother last night and apparently he knows a wedding photographer and a florist and he's going to put me in touch with them. i emailed the coffee house i want the wedding to be in, so now i'm just waiting to hear back from them. my parents offered to help pay for things so probably this weekend, if my mom's up for it, we're going to go buy fabric so i can make my wedding dress. no way am i paying over a thousand dollars for a dress i'm going to wear once.
i also need to figure out what i'm going to put on announcements. "plan for the wedding to be on this date. we'll let you know if it's going to be moved. sorry for the inconvenience!" just sounds weird.

[HYHYBT]

...in someone's yard...in JanuaryI'm going to go on a limb and say that wouldn't work as well in Boise as in Key West...

Just make sure you have the right groom, and that your mother can be there. The rest... well, it's just a day, right?

[AccountingDrone]

Tell him in plain words "I am planning XXXX (small wedding, JotP, marriage at the circus, whatever) when you first get home for my mother and we will have the big to do later, which you can help plan if you want." This is obviously a non-negotiable point for you so he needs to know it is non-negotiable.

When looking for places, don't be afraid to pull the "fiance is deployed right now" and the "my mom has cancer" cards. I know you wouldn't be sucky, but asking for some sympathy will help you get strings pulled.

I agree, he should be willing to do the fast ceremony so your mom can be present - cancer sucks ass, and she could unfortunately have a downturn at almost any time. You can have a beautiful JOP wedding in a state park fergoshsakes - most beautiful wedding I ever attended was in a decorated picnic pavilion at Letchworth State Park a few springs ago. Heck, many clergy are willing to marry people in a nonchurch setting, so he can even have the clergyman or woman of his choice, if that is the balk.

[iradney]

Regarding the flowers - you could use silk flowers in your bouquet, but for decorations, pretty potplants are also nice. what's your theme/colour scheme? What you could also do is put branchy twigs in potplants, spraypaint them your preferred colour, and hang pretty crystals off them - makes a nice conversation piece and they don't wilt at all.

[Jester]

The reason I suggested picking a hard date in January is because of the groom's uncertain arrival date. The OP said he would be arriving "sometime" in November or December, which tells me that he WILL be there in January. Unless, of course, he is being redeployed. If that is the case, a date in January accomplishes the goals of having it as soon as is feasible with him there, having her mom there, and having a hard fast date that everyone can set for themselves to be there.

And to whoever pointed out the error in my thinking when I suggested someone's yard for a January wedding in Boise....okay, so I'm an idiot. But haven't we covered that point already? :lol:

[Green_Fairy]

The reason I suggested picking a hard date in January is because of the groom's uncertain arrival date. The OP said he would be arriving "sometime" in November or December, which tells me that he WILL be there in January.

oh yeah. forgot to mention. he only gets about 3 weeks leave when he gets back from iraq. he'll be spending them here, then flying back to virginia where he's stationed. so it's not that he's going to re-deploy (which would suck so hard), but he's going to be on the other side of the country and while flying him back here is possible, it's also very very expensive that time of year (we learned that last year when we flew from virginia to idaho and back for christmas. over $1000 for both of us).
so ideally, we want to get hitched while he's on leave...
i'm getting a headache just thinking about this. oi.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Regarding the flowers - you could use silk flowers in your bouquet, but for decorations, pretty potplants are also nice. what's your theme/colour scheme? What you could also do is put branchy twigs in potplants, spraypaint them your preferred colour, and hang pretty crystals off them - makes a nice conversation piece and they don't wilt at all.

My friend had her wedding reception in a park (only downside was that the park closed at dusk, and we didn't leave until after dark, and there were no lights at all along the path back to the parking lot...luckily I was not wearing high heels), and the centerpieces were nice ceramic pots with flowering plants (I forget what, they were little pink and white flowers). And we got to take them home (mine did tip over in the floor of my front seat, though, during my 4-hour drive home...then the stuffed duck that lives on my dashboard slid off and landed right in the pile of soil :rolleyes:). I still have the pot (actually, I think my mom has something planted in it). Her caterer was Mennonite (it was in southern Pennsylvania) and the food was very simple and included ham and macaroni and cheese.

so ideally, we want to get hitched while he's on leave...
i'm getting a headache just thinking about this. oi.

Well, on the up side, you're not planning a huge wedding with hundreds of guests, so it's a little easier to explain the, uh, flexibility if the actual date. :p

[Jester]

oh yeah. forgot to mention. he only gets about 3 weeks leave when he gets back from iraq.

so ideally, we want to get hitched while he's on leave...

we would totally go ahead with a JotP marriage, but he did that for his first one and he wants an actual wedding now.

my biggest issue tho is making reservations. most places have a non-refundable deposit and need a reservation months out.

So it sounds like his stubbornness is meeting with your mother's reality.

He wants this, that, and the other, but since neither he nor the military can give you a firm hard date, this is not realistic.

However, I think I have an idea that may be more workable.

Talk to a place that you think might work. Talk to a minister/whatever that may be flexible. Ditto a caterer. And then ask all of them about doing it mid-week. Most weddings are on weekends, although people have been doing them on Fridays or Mondays in recent years to save money. Virtually no one gets married on a Wednesday. You can probably get a good deal AND some flexibility from the appropriate businesses, telling them you don't know the date your fiance will be home, but once you know for certain, you will contact them, and you will have the wedding X days after his arrival, on say a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Let all the appropriate friends and relatives know the same thing. You said this initial ceremony would be a small gathering, so this should not be that difficult.

Then, once you know the date for certain, spring into action contacting everyone to let them know "THIS will be the date."

Sure, it's non standard. Sure, it won't be easy. But you have an unknown three week window to work with. Personally, I think it's a pretty damn good idea myself. (But I am biased, since I did come up with it.)

[Solumina]

A week day wedding is a really good idea for this situation. When I was a little up in the air about my exact date (I knew October but that was kind of it) everyone that I talked to was willing to kind of work with me since I'm doing a Thursday wedding. I know that you talked to a potential venue but you should really do the same for flowers and catering (they were actually more flexible than venues since they don't just do one event at a time and they have a lot of stuff that is done very last minute). I do hope that everything works out and that you can plan something wonderful.

[Magpie]

I know that everyone complains that "you need to send out formal invitations" and that you shouldn't have mid-week weddings. And yes, they are valid complaints. However, you have two excellent reasons to be doing things a little more by the seat of your pants. Don't worry too much about meeting those requirements.

Oh, and if you're stressing may I suggest a more traditional solution to the wedding dress dilemma? Just WEAR IT AGAIN! I know it's hypocritical to have a white dress that you're going to wear again, but seriously, no one cares. Yes, you'll want a simpler dress, and a short one rather than ankle length. But would you be sewing a wedding cake dress anyhow?

[Solumina]

I got a lot of complaints when I started to think about doing a Thursday and when we said that we were going to email our save the dates (when it comes to wedding people seem to be even more resistant to anything new or different) but now that those are out everyone is all excited about having a really long weekend when travel will be easier and hotel rooms will be a bit cheaper than the weekend, plus everyone loved the email save the dates. They thought they were really well done, all that we did was pick a really cute picture of the two of us and add a few lines of text in a fancy font (we even used a deep red since the ceremony is at a vineyard), that way we could get everything out right away (well as soon as the boy's mom sent me her address book). I don’t know how small you are planning on this being but email may be a good idea for you, or if it is really small then you can just call every person once you know the date.

[BarbieGirl]

Here are some fake flower ideas, you can make and save them for whenever.

cupcake liners (http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/how-to-make-paper-flowers-from-cupcake-liners/)


chiffon flower (http://www.projectwedding.com/wedding-ideas/diy-gorgeous-chiffon-and-tulle-flowers)

fake flowers and jewels (http://www.projectwedding.com/wedding-ideas/diy-wedding-challenge-2010-my-flowerless-bouquet)

paper flowers (http://www.projectwedding.com/wedding-ideas/diy-wedding-challenge-2010-paper-flower-bouquets)

oneprettything (http://www.oneprettything.com/) -this is a good place for DIY wedding stuff, did a quick search of 'wedding' and got the previous flower tutorials on just the first 2 pages, but they also have favors and other decor. (and if you do go that route I live in Boise now and would totally be able to help make stuff)

I'm not very familiar with the venues in Boise yet, but I do know that if you want to go the live flower route then Lowe's carries LOTS of poinsettia's and they even have some that they dye and add sparkles too. And in the past when I used to work for the company I know they were always happy to order some for you, I don't know what the lead time is exactly for that but I'm pretty sure they could get your order in like 2 weeks or something.

I know there aren't any Safeways here but I'm sure some of the other grocery stores carry a nice selection of roses year round that you could get to decorate with.

[Mishi]

Here's a website that my best friend is finding helpful and that I think is awesome: www.offbeatbride.com
There are heaps of ideas and DIY stuff, and there is information on setting up a 'wedsite'. Then you can send out a general save-the-date card with the 'wedsite' address and the timeframe for the wedding, and tell them to check that regularly for the exact date. A massive email would work too. The only problem is if any of your family doesn't use the internet.