Boy has me confused!

[Lindsey]

So a little background story, maybe 2 months ago a boy added me on Facebook, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Boy". He's going to the same college I am this fall, which is how he found me. So I added him back, and we've been talking in some way nearly every day since.

In the past 2 weeks I've been getting mixed signals.. Boy asked me to go get some food with him sometime after we're both at school, saying that he'd "like that". He also asked me to come to his room for a movie night or afternoon, whichever would make me more comfortable. I accepted both right away, excited to hang out with a new friend as soon as I get there!

But after I said yes, Boy sent me a message reading "I just want to know one thing, where have you been all my life?" When I countered with "I've been wondering the same thing" because I do get along with him incredibly well so far, he replied saying essentially "This is so strange, I feel so connected with you...", "I know I'm crazy, but you had me at hello" (!!!!), "I don't even know what you look like, not that it matters, I'd be into you anyway." (paraphrased, if you want to see the entire message you can PM me).

So I took this as meaning that he's interested in me romantically, and replied accordingly. I like him too, so I replied in no uncertain terms letting him know that I think he's amazing, I like him a lot and feel close to him, and that I'm "into" him too.

Now you're probably wondering where's the confusion, right? At this point I was pretty sure that our "movie night" was going to be a date.

However, after I let him know I liked him, Boy sent me another message. This one let me know that this is a "first" for him, and it's like we're two halves, because we're so dang compatible :P He said "I want you there with me and I'm glad you're going to be."

Again, no confusion, right?

In that same message, he dropped "the friendship we share is going to take us everywhere together..." and said he "can't put a label on this feeling".

So now I don't know if I have a date with him in the fall, or even if he's interested in me that way at all. I think I was pretty clear in that I'm interested in him. I know I won't get a real answer either way until I ask him, but was wondering anyway if any of you have some insight for me in the meantime, or even your thoughts?

[Whiskey]

He wants to have sex with you, but doesn't want a girlfriend or already has one.

[Lindsey]

No girlfriend. I've only known him a short time, but he's religious so I'm inclined to believe he's not so much into random sex. We'll see, I hadn't thought of that.

[trailerparkmedic]

My impression? He is
1) really inexperienced with women so he doesn't know what to say or
2) inarticulate, so he doesn't know how to say what he wants/means or
3) what Whiskey said

[Solumina]

These days being religious doesn't really say much about your sex life, especially when you are entering university.

[Whiskey]

^what Solumina said

Also, I've never met someone who, upon meeting someone on the internet, used that much sensationalism. Ive never met someone who used that much sensationalism period. He seems either entirely too inexperienced (i've never seen you, but we're soulmates ala every romantic comedy) or so incredibly experienced this shit just falls out automatically. It really sounds like hes gauging your reaction and responding appropriately.

Whiskey officially disapproves of this boy. Something isn't right.

[Lindsey]

These days being religious doesn't really say much about your sex life, especially when you are entering university.

Fair enough.

The sensationalism, as you guys put it, doesn't bug me - it strikes me as a little awkward, but doesn't bug me. If I get there and he turns out not to be what I expected, the worst that happens is that I break up with him and it ends there. What bugs me is not knowing if he wants what I want - I don't want to get there and still have no idea where we stand.

Leaning towards inarticulate/inexperienced? I'm going to try to catch him on chat and ask him upfront how he feels and what he wants. Thanks guys!

[Solumina]

Sounds to me that he is more in the mindset of a boy who hasn't been with a whole lot of women (or even one) and thinks (not unlike a lot of guys his age) that universities are magical places filled with all sorts of wondrous things such as friends with benefits, that he has heard about but never experienced.

[MoonCat]

OK, you can totally disregard this, of course, but here's my two cents: My dear, you don't "stand" anywhere. You've never even met this guy! No, friending someone on facebook doesn't count; you can say anything you want online and not have to prove it. I think you need to slow down a little, too. You're already using terms like "break up" when you're not even really a couple yet.

The red flag here is him using all this dramatic language to describe a "connection" that consists entirely of some online conversation. He's pushing way too hard, and that's a sign of a control freak. Now, he might be a really nice guy who's just awkward online, but I read it another way: He's trying to establish control of the situation--and of YOU--right now. I would say it might be a good idea to meet for the first time in a public place, and keep it public until you put some boundaries in place and see if he respects them.

Now, if you meet him and he turns out to be the sweetest, nicest guy ever, great! Remember, nothing beats in-person interaction to learn what someone's really all about. You need face time, not facebook.

[Pony_Boy]

Ok I have to chime in here

I really don't see where people a getting the " he just wants to sleep with you" and "friends with benefits" stuff I really don't

To me there are two possibilities

1) You're over thinking it way to much. The "friendship" comment could just refer to the relationship you have now at this moment. Since you've never actually met, Friendship is a good way to describe it. It's clear that he's into you so its safe to assume the movie invite is a date. if you re still unsure then why don't you outright ask him?

2) It might be a slight communication error

I replied in no uncertain terms letting him know that I think he's amazing, I like him a lot and feel close to him, and that I'm "into" him too.

It's been my repeated experience over the years that what one person thinks is crystal clear to one person can mean a completely different thing to the other person

Is it possible that Boy might have inadvertently thought you wanted friendship after reading your message? That would explain his comments


Either way its time to put all the cards on the table and be blunt

[Magpie]

I agree with the comment that there are possible red flags in how enthusiastic he's being about a relationship that doesn't even really exist yet. (Although I'll give some leeway for a younger person in their first relationship).

As a general rule you can't assume that "friendship" precludes the possibility of romance. It's a necessary first step. You say that he's religious, and I'm assuming that this means he takes it seriously, since you're saying this would mean that he's not looking for sex. That, to me, suggests that he's looking for a serious relationship, i.e. he isn't interested in a relationship that doesn't at least stand a chance of lasting more than just a couple of years. In that case he would value a friendship if he wants to have a romantic relationship.

But don't worry too much. I was recently introduced to a good rule of thumb - you don't get to call someone your boyfriend until you've been dating for three months. So this isn't a potential boyfriend. This is just a date.

And I would like to point out that there are plenty of people who actually do live by the tenets of their religion, and they're not that difficult to identify.

[Bella_Vixen]

I think Boy is overdoing it.

[Lindsey]

OK, you can totally disregard this, of course, but here's my two cents: My dear, you don't "stand" anywhere. You've never even met this guy! No, friending someone on facebook doesn't count; you can say anything you want online and not have to prove it. I think you need to slow down a little, too. You're already using terms like "break up" when you're not even really a couple yet.


Let me rephrase - I want to make sure he and I are on the same page. I don't want to get there thinking it's a date when it isn't, or vice versa. I'm not dating him until I can spend time with him, which we'll have plenty of time to do this fall. Just to be clear.

I agree with the comment that there are possible red flags in how enthusiastic he's being about a relationship that doesn't even really exist yet. (Although I'll give some leeway for a younger person in their first relationship).


That might explain some things too.. I hadn't thought of it til I read this reply, but I even quoted it in my original post -- he did say "this is a first for me". He's 17. I'm turning 19 in a few weeks. I don't know if that makes a difference, but he is younger, and that does sound almost like it'd be a first relationship (or one of his first). I've only been in one relationship, so I'm in that boat, too.


As a general rule you can't assume that "friendship" precludes the possibility of romance. It's a necessary first step. You say that he's religious, and I'm assuming that this means he takes it seriously, since you're saying this would mean that he's not looking for sex. That, to me, suggests that he's looking for a serious relationship, i.e. he isn't interested in a relationship that doesn't at least stand a chance of lasting more than just a couple of years. In that case he would value a friendship if he wants to have a romantic relationship.


And yet another way to look at this! I just blanked out at the word "friendship" and let myself get confused.

Thanks everyone who's replying!

[42_42_42]

Honestly, I think he's coming off kinda creepy.

[Lindsey]

And anyone who thinks he's "overdoing" it -- Yes, he chose to quote Jerry Maguire. No, I don't think it's a problem. :) He doesn't talk to me that way all the time, it was just those two messages.

[AdminAssistant]

My advice: keep talking to him on a friendly level, and offer to hang out when you get there...y'know, get to know each other. I would hold off on dating for right now, because you're starting college, and you're going to meet a ton of new people. Honestly, he sounds a bit clingy (already) and you really don't want somebody like that taking up all of your time when there's so much else to do.

[Lindsey]

Question has been answered! I asked him out today, he responded kinda incredulously because he was under the impression we'd already decided to go out. So awesome, I have a date next month! Thanks guys!

[Sheldonrs]

Have fun on the date but...It won't hurt anyhing if you also take a small can of mace with you.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm inclined to agree with Mooncat, and Admin Asst.

It's great that you have clarified the date issue, but I would suggest just taking things slow, keep it casual until you really get a chance to get to know the guy, and get settled in at school and all. He does sound a bit over the top, but there are several possible reasons for that, from the innocent, to the not so innocent. I also second the advice to meet him in a public place first. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but until you can know that for sure, you shouldn't put yourself in a position for something bad to happen (such as your first meeting/date being the two of you alone in a dorm room).

I know all kinds of exciting things are on the horizon for you...Just be careful, 'kay?

[Plaidman]

....


Be careful. Please. Especally since he really wants you to get to his place alone, before you even gone out in public. He may be using a fake account at a libray, use a pal's place and do something horrible to you and you couldn't do anything to protect yourself if your not careful. Even if you do take him to court if he does something bad, alot of those messages are going to be Awww! We're soulmates! I WOVE YOU SO MUCH!. Jury isn't going to take anything you say seriously.


Of course that's worst case scenery.


Look. You don't know me. I have like, next to zero experence when it comes to women. (What I do know is pretty sucky).

But every scumbag alarm is going off in me inner alarm. Something isn't right. Be careful. and for whatever luck God cares to crap out on ya, og on a date in public first, and let every pal and friend you do have in the area know who this guy is, where he lives.

It will NOT hurt your relationship if it works out at all, to let everyone know where your going to be to save you. Ok?

Please be careful. every bit in me is saying something bad is going to happen.

[Squeaksmyalias]

I have to say, normal guys who are interested in a girl don't typically quote movies, or songs. I'm not saying it doesn't happen if they are uber romantic, but even then that happens more face to face then with a girl they've chatted online with. BUT from my experience guys who quote lovey stuff tend to be full of it. Or completely unoriginal...

That being said, any time you plan on meeting someone online. Meet in a public place, tell people where you will be, and bring someone along or at the very least have check in times with a friend or family member. Do NOT lie about it, because if something does happen they need to know. People can be creeps, he could be leaving things out of conversations very easily, he could be talking to several girls like he is to you. I know I sound jaded and harsh and he could be an awesome guy, but until then be safe about it. Your safety is more important then any potential relationship with this guy, and if he truly wants to be your friend or boyfriend he will be understanding about that. If he isn't understanding about that, he isn't worth your time and doesn't care about you. I put that in bold for a reason, keep that in mind. Please be safe.

[Peppergirl]

Hmmmm.

I'm probably gonna catch alot of shit for saying this, but my vibe is 'gay and doesn't know it yet'.

Don't hit me, ya'll. I'm an old lady.

[Plaidman]

But such a cute /old/ lady XD :)

[Lindsey]

there are several possible reasons for that, from the innocent, to the not so innocent.

I've talked to him since and he's clarified that if this goes beyond dating, it'd be his first relationship, he hasn't been with any girls before. So I'm thinking innocent. I'm really not worried by him.

But we're going out for dinner before we do movies or anything in his room. And everyone will know I'm with him - I'm not secretive about stuff like this!

[Plaidman]

... So, this guy can spring out total romantic moves? Even if it's a repeat from movies, and he is all over you with utter ease, and he claims he never has a girlfriend?

Where he get the sudden surge of courage? Even when I was first dating, I didn't do super sweet smooth lines like that, it took a while. I could never spring it on a random girl on a random page I just so happen to find. (How did he find you again? )

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I take it you have never met this guy in person? And he's already going on about "compatibility" and "where have you been all my life?" and feeling some "connection?"

Ummm, yeah, proceed with caution. He could be completely innocent, or he could just want free passes to the Tunnel of Love.

[Lindsey]

... So, this guy can spring out total romantic moves? Even if it's a repeat from movies, and he is all over you with utter ease, and he claims he never has a girlfriend?

Where he get the sudden surge of courage? Even when I was first dating, I didn't do super sweet smooth lines like that, it took a while. I could never spring it on a random girl on a random page I just so happen to find. (How did he find you again? )

The sudden surge of courage would come from my showing interest in him. I'd been dropping hints for a few days at that point, plus I accepted both his invites out right away. Romantic lines online aren't necessarily "total romantic moves". I'm not expecting us to be that comfortable with each other immediately - if it works out, it'll take time, we'll still need to get to know each other in person. We've talked about it and it's not going to be a problem.

I didn't lay out the whole story because what I was asking for advice on was whether I was misreading his interest - and that's been answered. I appreciate the concern but I understand what I'm getting into and I don't need the advice - I know all the rules of meeting someone new from online, we're not going to be alone right away, and I'm not expecting miracles to happen. I just want to go on a few dates with him and see where we end up going.

[Plaidman]

.... Well if one isn't given the whole story, we can only go based on what you told us, which is you just randomy get a message from a guy who tells you your the love of his life. How are we suppose to react to that?


In anycase..... good luck.

[Lindsey]

Yeah, sorry about that.. I was trying to keep it concise because again I only wanted advice about whether I was misreading him, not whether he's legitimate - so the other info seemed a little off-topic. As the thread went a little off-topic, I guess it no longer is. :P

Thanks for the luck!

[smileyeagle1021]

Hmmmm.

I'm probably gonna catch alot of shit for saying this, but my vibe is 'gay and doesn't know it yet'.

Don't hit me, ya'll. I'm an old lady.

Not at all... that would explain a lot. I'm not sure if that is the case, but it is a plausible explanation for why he seems to be having to try so hard. He's trying to overcome something, whether that is just a lack of experience that he is overcoming, or his orientation that he's overcoming (or his inexperience due to his orientation :p )
It is consistent with the statement that he is a really religious guy. It would explain why he is so desperate to prove that he isn't an abomination in the Lord's eye (assuming he is a member of one of the faiths that condemns homosexuality), and the best way to do that is to find a woman to get involved with and be married before the Lord. It happens all the time in Utah, it's gotten to the point that in Utah it is becoming near crisis level with families being torn apart when people who could no longer hide their homosexuality.

Oh and Tracy, are you admitting that you're as old as my fiance says you look :p
(no, he's never living that down, is he)

[Peppergirl]

Oh and Tracy, are you admitting that you're as old as my fiance says you look :p
(no, he's never living that down, is he)

He sucks...I much prefer YOUR opinion. :lol:

I proudly admit to be 41. ;)

[Exaspera]

41 is NOT OLD! O-o

Lindsay, date this guy if you want, but don't tie yourself down. (Advice from another one of the Parents here. :D)

[Peppergirl]

41 is NOT OLD! O-o

Lindsay, date this guy if you want, but don't tie yourself down. (Advice from another one of the Parents here. :D)

It's kind of an inside joke, Exp. PM me if you want the details, cuz I don't wanna hi-jack her thread with it. :lol:

[smileyeagle1021]

Lindsay, date this guy if you want, but don't tie yourself down.

Unless of course getting tied down is your thing ;)

Okay, on a more serious note, excellent advice... let it go where it will go, but don't let him force you into something long term that you aren't ready for or don't want.

[Plaidman]

), and the best way to do that is to find a woman to get involved with and be married before the Lord. It happens all the time in Utah

...


I'm in the wrong state if it's that easy to get a girl to marry you in Utah.

Hell, it's damn near impossible to get dates here, but you can be gay and get married there...?
Wow.

[Cazzi]

If I may say something here..

Please, for the first few dates, keep an open mind & try to step back from feelings until you get to know the real boy in real life.

I will freely admit to getting close to someone online, to all intents & purposes he was a kind, generous bloke who had a similar outlook on life to me.

When I did meet him the first couple of times, yes, seemed ok, maybe a bit shy & awkward, but i found out soon enough that the online persona was make believe.. the guy was an alcoholic dreamer with violent tendencies who lived in his own head and had other issues (that's the concise version).

Me saying this is just trying to point out as others have, that the person you talk to on line isn't necessarily the person you are actually going to meet and date. Its so easy to fake things when you're not talking to someone in the same room as you.

But also, on the other hand, I do know other people who have met and got to know someone online & subsequently got married, but from experience, please take it easy & be careful :)

[Lindsey]

Not at all... that would explain a lot. I'm not sure if that is the case, but it is a plausible explanation for why he seems to be having to try so hard. He's trying to overcome something, whether that is just a lack of experience that he is overcoming, or his orientation that he's overcoming (or his inexperience due to his orientation :p )


Oh lord.. Interesting to think about! I'm a little shocked there are that many gay married Utah residents.


Me saying this is just trying to point out as others have, that the person you talk to on line isn't necessarily the person you are actually going to meet and date. Its so easy to fake things when you're not talking to someone in the same room as you.


Thank you for that.. I've never dated anyone I met online before, but I've met people online as friends several times so I'm familiar with the feeling that you have to re-learn them a bit - not being familiar yet with them in person. Still, I've never done it with these kinds of feelings attached before, so thank you for that, I'll be careful and keep an open mind.

[smileyeagle1021]

...


I'm in the wrong state if it's that easy to get a girl to marry you in Utah.

Hell, it's damn near impossible to get dates here, but you can be gay and get married there...?
Wow.

I never said that it was easy, just that it happened. There is a problem in Utah where there are many gay men (or lesbian women) who grew up being taught that all they had to do to be "cured" was hide who they were for long enough to get married and then a pesto, hetero... didn't work though.
Most of the heterosexual partners in these relationships had no clue that they had married someone who was homosexual. For those who did know, they believed they were called by God to help in curing the person. There is nothing easy about it.

Also Plaid, you have to remember, in Utah marriage is treated by many as a status symbol, not a symbol of love. I have actually met people who were stressed that they were 23 and not married when all their friends had married by 21 (of course, my reply is, how is the fact that you have standards and are waiting for the person you know you can spend the rest of your life with).

[BookstoreEscapee]

I will freely admit to getting close to someone online, to all intents & purposes he was a kind, generous bloke who had a similar outlook on life to me.

When I did meet him the first couple of times, yes, seemed ok, maybe a bit shy & awkward, but i found out soon enough that the online persona was make believe.. the guy was an alcoholic dreamer with violent tendencies who lived in his own head and had other issues (that's the concise version).

I had a sorta similar thing...he wasn't violent or anything, he just annoyed the hell out of me when I met him...so there's that possibility, too ;)

[Jester]

I see two possibilities:

1. Dude is socially awkward, romantically clueless, and is very interested in you, but just doesn't have the experience to express it in a less sensational way.

2. Dude is attempting to use you, to lure you into something, perhaps a sexual liaison, being very manipulative.

My advice to you is, if you don't get any major red flags, treat it as the first, but be aware of the possibility of the second.

In other words, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Make sense?

[Shangri-laschild]

I would proceed with general caution but as far as him being confusing...some people are just oddly like that. Out of nowhere I had a guy friend suddenly snuggle with me on a love seat for an entire night after everyone had gone to bed. We ourselves were trying to get at least some sleep but were awake and chatting for at least half the night. Throughout the awake part he gave me a kiss on the cheek and another on the hand and then proceeded to tell me what an awesome friend I was. And then got confused later when I explained that he had confused me with the whole thing. My buddy who had crashed in the living room as well also had had trouble getting to sleep apparently and said later that he also thought it was really weird combo of mixed signals. Not saying this guy isn't interested since obviously he is. Just saying that some people are kind of bad about accidently sending confusing signals.

I would recommend going very slowly with him even if you decide that you are interested in a relationship.