Having a bit of family trouble :/

[Miss_Stress]

I'm not completely sure where to begin, so I'll take each problem at a time. Any advice would be much appreciated :)

I suppose work is the biggest problem of them all. I know there are very few people who enjoy their job, but I hate mine, I really do. I've been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder because of working there, and it's only a part time job! Everytime I have to go to work, I wish that I would be in an accident or something so I wouldn't have to go in, and I cry both before and after work. In fact, things are so bad that my fiance is giving up his time alone (not at my request, but through his own kindness) to be there for me when I come home from work. Now, I'm at University, but in order to try and keep my future debts down, I have only applied for tuition fees, not a living grant or a maintenance loan. However, I have enough money saved in order for me to leave work but to still be able pay board (rent for any American readers) to my parents whilst I look for another job. They will not allow me to leave my job, even though I can still pay them board in the meantime. When I become upset about work, they tell me to grow up and stop being stupid. Some (or all) of you may agree, I don't know, but all I know is I cannot keep doing this anymore. My fiance has also offered to move me into his house, but his father is going through a very difficult time at the moment, and I wouldn't dream of imposing on him.
Does anyone have any advice with regards to this? I have actually been searching for jobs and filled out countless application forms, but heard nothing. I am in a position to pay my parents board and to continue paying it for a long time in case a job does not turn up in the near future, but my mother particularly has told me that if I leave this job, I will not have a home. :(

The second problem is to do with my family's interference in my wedding. I have chosen my bridesmaids - my 3 best friends who have been with me through the hardest times in my life. My fiance has also chosen his bridesmaid: his little niece. My mother is now refusing to come to my wedding, and is badmouthing me to other family members, because I haven't asked my sister to be a bridesmaid.
The reason I haven't asked her is because we have never got on really, she is very self-centred and spoilt, and because on more than one occasion she has threatened to ruin my wedding. I don't want someone like that ruining the happiest day of my life out of spite.
She is more than welcome to attend the wedding, just not in a bridesmaid capacity, and I have always said this. I even offered to compromise with both her and my mother, and said that if she promised to behave herself then she could be a bridesmaid, but as soon as she misbehaved then she would not be allowed to be one. My mother could not accept this and said that "there will be no bargaining", so as such I am standing my ground and not having my sister as a bridesmaid. I have not left my sister out out of spite, but because I am not particularly close to her, and I am certain that she will do her best to cause problems and to draw attention to herself. What should I do?

Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you :)

[r2cagle]

Any chance of living on campus? I'd be getting out the house some way, and advising parents that if they are having such a hard time with the choices that you make, then they are more than welcome to not attend your wedding or any other eventful time in your life.

If that means applying for a living grant/maintenance loan, so be it, and definitely quitting your current job. You will make yourself sick if you don't cut out the very worst stress in your life... from the sounds of it, that's your current job and your parents. I know, I know, everyone says that you shouldn't quit one job without another lined up... but if your stress is so severe that it flows over to interviews, etc.. that's not attractive to potential employers either. Far better to quit job, rest, relax and then have the energy and drive to find a new job, which you should if you have the monetary cushion to do that.

[trailerparkmedic]

1) How would your parents react to you living with your fiance pre-wedding? Would you be able to help your fiance's dad if you were there (financially through board, moral support, whatever)? What plans do you and your fiance have for living arrangements after getting married?

Not being in debt is good but not hating your life is better. I personally would take out some loans and find a room to rent. That way you're not imposing on your fiance's family and you're free from your job. If the wedding is close and you and your fiance were planning on living together away from parents anyways, are you ok with speeding things up (also financed by loans)? If you do that, 2 bedroom apartments (if they're in your price range) tend to let parents feel a bit bitter, since there is some plausible deniablity about you and fiance sleeping together.

Draw up a list with every option you can think of. List pros and cons for each. That will help you make a better decision. Don't make assumptions--if you're worried about how living with your fiance will make his dad feel, talk to the family.

2) Is your mom helping to pay for the wedding? If so, you have to accept that she will have a hand in it. If not, you need to figure out which situation is better for you--no mom at wedding or sister as a bridesmaid. Go with whatever makes you happier. I don't think you are being unreasonable by not including your sister, especially if you have a rocky relationship. Can you talk to your sister about this and possibly use her as a mediator between you and mom?


My advice for most situations--what would make you happiest? Not what would make your mom or friend or boss happy, what will make you happy? Of course, if you do X and it makes you happy but your mom unhappy and an unhappy mom makes you unhappy, X makes you unhappy. If X makes you happy but your mom unhappy and you don't give a damn about what your mom feels, X makes you happy.
If you can't choose between two options, flip a coin. Are you happy or sad with the outcome? If you're sad, go with the other option. I got that advice from a friend and it has served me well.

[Treasure]

No where is it written that sisters have to be bridesmaids or maids of honor!
That role (traditionally/originally) is for the woman in your life that you most feel could/wold be able to take care of your spouse if something were happen to you. If you don't feel like your sister could fulfill that role, then she doesn't need to be in it. However for the sake of family peace - would you be willing to have your sister do another "bridal party" type duty - Hostess, or do a special reading /sing a special song (if she's good and you would be ok with it) maybe ask her to be the one to let people know when certain things are going on - like let the DJ know you and the new hubby have arrived @ the reception, and the BestMan needs to announce (and make sure the BestMan is read) etc... that kind of thing...

You can find a way to include her, if you and she are amenable to it;
"we're sisters and I know we haven't always gotten on well, but my wedding day is important to me, and I'd like to include you somehow - would you be wiling to....(fill in the blank)"
make sure that you've looked up duties/responsibilities for the roll you're requesting, and maybe have it all put together in some sort of flyer or something, so that she knows what she's getting herself into - and if she is unable or unwilling to perform certain tasks, let her know you'll reassign - but if the entire list gets crossed out - be blunt "then what did you want to do?" and cut your mom out of it - its not her wedding - its yours, and no matter how much money she is contributing, she does not have the right (no matter what she thinks) to dictate what you can or cannot have/do at your wedding.

[Exaspera]

ELOPE!!! And ditto to all of the above.

Your family sounds like it's trying to find any excuse to screw with your life. :(

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you all :) In answer to a previous question, my mother is paying for no part of this wedding, she made it clear from the very beginning that we will have to finance it all ourselves.

As to the work problem - I have to quit. I really do. But my parents are refusing to allow me to, even though I can still pay them board. That's the puzzling thing - I can pay them still but they won't let me leave a place that makes me feel very depressed. The only potential solution is to go and live with my fiance and his father, but again given his father's situation it would be very unfair to him, and I wouldn't dream of asking him. :(

[Exaspera]

Well the first part of your reply answers my question. If they're not paying for it, they have absolutely NO say in the matter. And if they are threatening to ruin your day that you paid for-then don't invite them. Really!!

I think staying with your fiance is the best idea. Not knowing the problems with his Father, you could help your fiance with him, AND not be so upset about your job.

[Miss_Stress]

Well the first part of your reply answers my question. If they're not paying for it, they have absolutely NO say in the matter. And if they are threatening to ruin your day that you paid for-then don't invite them. Really!!

I think staying with your fiance is the best idea. Not knowing the problems with his Father, you could help your fiance with him, AND not be so upset about your job.

Thank you Exaspera :) the problem really is that my fiance's mother has just left his father for another man so he's in a bad way and needs to be looked after. The problem really there is that, while I would pay him board and help around the house, if his mother decides she wants to come and claim half the house, we then have to find a place for 3 of us to live, not 2, and I don't think it's fair to place the extra burden on him that's all :( he's got enough on his plate without having to worry about me.

[Exaspera]

Thank you Exaspera :) the problem really is that my fiance's mother has just left his father for another man so he's in a bad way and needs to be looked after. The problem really there is that, while I would pay him board and help around the house, if his mother decides she wants to come and claim half the house, we then have to find a place for 3 of us to live, not 2, and I don't think it's fair to place the extra burden on him that's all :( he's got enough on his plate without having to worry about me.

Okay, but you'll together be able to come up with a solution for that. Stop seeing yourself as a burden to your fiance. Y'all are coming together to make an even more powerful bond, one where there are two people working together, each with their great qualities in order to get through the good and the bad times. :)

[Elspeth]

I will echo what as already been said add this thought that popped into my head. Maybe having you there will help him get his mind off his current problem. You might be able to help each other.

*hugs to you*

[Magpie]

All I can say is that I think you're handling the wedding situation well. You're quite right to not want someone who might cause trouble holding an important role. AND you did give it a try, to not cause trouble yourself, to make sure that your sister would behave, but apparently asking people to not cause trouble is unreasonable. I'm going to have to say "good riddance".

Do you go to any support groups? Are there any in your area? I'm sure that other people there have more advice for how to get parents to understand what your abilities and limitations are than we do.

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you Elspeth and Exaspera :) my parents have always made me feel like a burden to be honest, so I just assume everybody else will think the same about me.

[Magpie]

my parents have always made me feel like a burden to be honest, so I just assume everybody else will think the same about me.

Ok, in that case may I suggest a large dose of not listening to them?

Yes, they're still your family. HOWEVER, you need to remember that they don't necessarily know what's best. Everyone has some theory of mind issues, they assume that you think they way they do. This is NOT a good thing. You are being a responsible adult.

One thing to keep in mind - if you didn't have worries about your parents behaving in a borderline abusive manner, would you be comfortable living with your fiance? If you would normally find the situation uncomfortable, it's not a good thing to do for longer than necessary. (I know, it's different when his father is there).

Also - if you're really unwilling to move in with your fiance's father, figure out if there's a job you could do that would likely be better for you. Perhaps you could switch jobs? Would you be able to get a horizontal transfer to a job that would stress you less?

[Miss_Stress]

Hi Magpie, it's the company itself I no longer want to work for - I don't agree with how they treat their staff, I don't agree with a lot of their policies, and I don't agree with a lot of their procedures. If I'm 100% honest, I'm not in a fit state to work, but I am able to support myself financially, so I don't know why I can't leave and recuperate. Also, on the wedding advice, I agree completely, so thank you :)

[r2cagle]

You need to talk honestly with your fiance, as well. Get his take on everything. He'll know his family better than you and will help you get a different perspective.

[trailerparkmedic]

You are an adult. You're getting married soon! Your parents need to let go and let you make your own decisions.

Talk to your fiance and his father about moving in. Don't go in with preconcieved ideas (They'll think I'm a burden)--my fiance was afraid of meeting my family because his is manipulative and clingy. They all welcomed him with open arms and love him to pieces, because my family is like that. I imagine that if you're willing to work with them and help out around the house, you will be seen as more of a blessing than a burden.

If your parents give you trouble about things you are determined to do, remind them that you are grown up enough to be doing things like getting married and making huge financial decisions (like taking out student loans) and you have decided that this decision is in the best interest of yourself/you and fiance/etc.

[Exaspera]

You need to talk honestly with your fiance, as well. Get his take on everything. He'll know his family better than you and will help you get a different perspective.

And remember that he is marrying you because he loves you, not because he wants to take on additional burdens, silly! You are half of this couple too. And you obviously must have wonderful qualities that he appreciates or he wouldn't be marrying you.

[Der Cute]

I agree with most of everything said here.

1. If you're supremely unhappy at work, change it. Find another job. Find another job within company? Find something else. Period.

2. If your mom thinks she can tell you what to do about the wedding, tell her "Thank you, it's covered." "Thanks for your input." "We've got it covered." "Back off, bitch." (skip that last one if you want)

3. Your honey and you will soon be a single unit; he takes care of you, you take care of him. Why not sit down with him and chat bout getting out of your mom's house? "Honey, I'm going nuts at her place. I need some help from you on this issue. I don't want to strain you financially, but at the same time, I can't stay there much longer without going nuts."

Be honest with him - you need to have a good foundation for trust and love. Be firm and non-info-sharing with your mother - boundaries NOW before she gets the key to your front door, knows your PIN, comes in and rearranges your cupboards and cooks dinner for you.
(I'd go nuts if that happened btw)

Cutenoob

[bainsidhe]

I'm jumping in a bit late, but here's a question: What would happen if Mom kicked you out today? Where would you go? How would you survive over the next few days/weeks/months?

I'm not saying this to panic you or make you miserable, it's just something to think about. Sometimes we stay in a miserable situation simply because we're uneasy about taking the next step and we're concerned what might happen. Notice the "might". There are no guarantees in life, other than what will happen if you continue to stay in an abusive work and home environment. You already know it's affecting you mentally and physically and will only get worse.

How much are you paying for board? Is it comparable to rent in the area? Perhaps you can find a room to rent on a weekly/monthly basis until you and fiance are ready to move in together. Do you have any friends with a room or couch to spare? Not the most comfortable, but it is something and you won't be degraded and manipulated on a daily basis.

Wishing you the best!

[Miss_Stress]

An update folks...moving in with my fiance and his father is a no-go :( and I'm down for a 10-hour shift tomorrow with a grand total of an hour's break throughout the day :cry:

Someone buy me alcohol?

[Magpie]

*offers plate of cookies*

And I know Whiskey's been hanging around the boards today...

[Whiskey]

And I know Whiskey's been hanging around the boards today...

I was going to comment earlier something similar, but I figured it was passe. Apparently not.

You can come live with me if you can keep up with me. Two bottles of six percent wine down and I'm a little pissed I'm not even buzzed. Maybe I'll go buy me some whiskey before work because why not

[Miss_Stress]

**UPDATE**

Well, I went to the doctor's a couple of weeks ago, and she basically said that I was burnt out and that I was doing too much. She thinks my Law degree should be my "full time job" for now, and that I shouldn't be working and doing a full time degree because it was too difficult. I went home and told my mum and she went MAD, saying I was just being silly and I didn't want to work :( So, I'm still working in this horrible job AND doing a full-time degree because she still won't let me quit!

[DeltaSierra]

Why don't you quit, & don't tell your parents. Go out each day, to the library, to school, etc and study, then come home when you normally would from work.

[ArcticChicken]

Do you have any friends you could get a place with?

At some point I'm going to move with a bunch of friends into a house my aunt owns, and I'll be paying about $200 a month. It does mean I'll be sharing a house with up to nine other people, but the way I see it that means we can afford a great cable/internet package. I miss HBO.

[Whiskey]

Why don't you quit, & don't tell your parents. Go out each day, to the library, to school, etc and study, then come home when you normally would from work.

I assume the parents confiscate the paycheck, or at least see it. Or want rent/something similar.

[Talon]

Wait let me see if I get this straight.
Your maternal unit won't let you quit a toxic job even though you can still pay rent, then gets mad at you when you show that a medical professional can attest to your poor mental health?
Forgive my bluntness, but your mother is a fucking asshole :burnup:
She's threatening not to come to your wedding because you have the gall to want your sister to behave? Some threat! I say call her bluff and let her stay away. Why on earth would you want this creature at your wedding?

As for the suggestions that you quit your job without telling her, that's tricky. Does she confiscate your pay stubs for inspection? I don't like lying, but if it's a choice between that or your mental health, I'd lie. No job or parent is worth your health. The problem here is, being the hardened cynic that I am, I think if you quit and your mood improves, she'll notice and get suspicious. Hell she might even get pissed because her fix of laughing at your suffering is missing.

[Miss_Stress]

Why don't you quit, & don't tell your parents. Go out each day, to the library, to school, etc and study, then come home when you normally would from work.

I wish it was that easy but my mum comes into my place of work on a Saturday and my dad picks me up after work, so he sees me come out of the door because he always arrives 10 minutes before I'm due to finish :(

[AccountingDrone]

so quit and tell them you got fired/laid off. They can not ask the place because HR can not release the information, just your dates of employ :devil:
If you really want to burn your bridge there, do something to deliberately get fired.:devil:

[Miss_Stress]

so quit and tell them you got fired/laid off. They can not ask the place because HR can not release the information, just your dates of employ :devil:
If you really want to burn your bridge there, do something to deliberately get fired.:devil:

:devil: The getting fired thing might well become a reality tomorrow - yesterday my fiance spent 9 hours in hospital on a drip because he had very low blood sugar and couldn't remember who I was or who anyone was for about 5 hours :cry: so I am very stressed and NOT in the mood to deal with people for my 10-hour shift!

[DeltaSierra]

So sorry about your fiance -take care of him and yourself before you worry about work.

[Miss_Stress]

So sorry about your fiance -take care of him and yourself before you worry about work.

He's getting back to normal now, which is better news than we could have ever hoped for :) my boss was quite understanding about it all, so my shift went quite smoothly.