View Full Version : Advice or comments
OK I have had something on my mind for awhile and I have only talked about it with one friend that I trust but I want more feedback.
So my best friend is a very nice and caring person. I have known her since I moved here 8 years ago and we became best friends over the past two years. All the time I have known her she has not had a serious relationship.
Right now she is seeing this girl that she complains about all the time but that is a different post entirely.
She told me the other day that she wanted to put out a personal add looking for just sex with a man. She is bi-sexual. She says that she just wants to have sex with a guy with no strings attached. But for some reason I think that she wants to have sex with some random dudes because she is also looking for affection and attention.
We have talked before about wanting to find relationships. I am a single mom and have not dated in forever because I want to focus on raising my daughter and don't thinks it is fair to not give my attention to my daughter after I get home from work. So my best friend and I have had some talks about this kind of stuff a lot.
Well I had no idea she wanted to just meet random guys for sex! She texts me the other night saying that she put an add out and already has some responses and sends me the pictures of the guys asking what I think.
I tell her to please be careful and tell her what I think of each guy. I didn't want to tell her what I really think cause it is her life and she is an adult. I only see her once every two weeks because she works nights and I am usually working on her days off. We usually text through out the week. She said that she was going to take it slow with these guys and not have sex right away with them. Well I have not brought it up since I text her last but reading stuff on her facebook leads me to believe she has started meeting a guy already.
We plan on moving to another state and moving in together in two years as we both need a change. If this is her new lifestyle it concerns me. I don't want strange people coming to my house. But maybe by then she will be in a relationship.
Like I said, I think she is doing this because she wants affections and has not met anybody in awhile. She is chubby and I am thinking she might have low self esteem and think this is the only way she can meet guys. I know how she feels cause I have felt insecure cause of my weight. So what would you guys do? I can't tell her what to do but this concerns me a lot.
MaggieTheCat
08-11-2010, 09:27 PM
I wouldn't worry about the two of you moving in together and having to deal with strangers in your house, until it actually becomes a concern. You said that moving in together is a couple years away yet, yes? Cross that bridge when you get to it, if it is even still a concern then. A lot can happen in 2 years. So don't worry about that aspect for the moment.
As for your concern, I would say just make sure she knows you are concerned and why you're concerned, and that you're there for her if she needs you. Don't do this over text; next time you can actually meet, sit her down and tell her you are concerned and why. Maybe even ask her why she really feels she needs to do this, she may open up about her relationship with her girlfriend more. But, like you said, in the end it is her life and her decision and you shouldn't try to force your opinion on her. Just be there for her if she needs someone.
I wouldn't worry about the two of you moving in together and having to deal with strangers in your house, until it actually becomes a concern. You said that moving in together is a couple years away yet, yes? Cross that bridge when you get to it, if it is even still a concern then. A lot can happen in 2 years. So don't worry about that aspect for the moment.
Yes it is still two years away and I was thinking that I will wait to see how things are at that time. I am seeing her for dinner next week so I will not bring it up till then over text. I will just tell her my concerns and if she needs me I am here. I told her to be careful when she meets up with these guys. The main thing is I want her to be safe and not get mixed up with any crazy people.
MaggieTheCat
08-12-2010, 12:26 AM
I totally understand where you're coming from and you are a good friend for being concerned. :) There are a lot of creeps out there. Hopefully she is not naive and will be able to tell when a situation is or turns suspicious.
Imprl59
08-12-2010, 01:38 AM
It worries me a little as well. If she wants to find a couple of "friends" to get together with on occasion then that's cool if she is in an emotional position to deal with that but if shes just wanting to meet random strangers off the internet.. welll.... that's pretty much nuts. There are just so many psychos out there.
What can you do about though is the real question. Were this one of my friends I would simply let them know this wasn't something I support and that I don't want to talk about it or be involved in it. Don't play along with the reviewing guys thing as she is basically using that to get your approval. If it goes wrong be there to support her. I think that most likely she will try it a few times and find it doesnt meet the needs the way she thinks it will.
I wouldnt worry about the two years thing. I'm 90% sure she will come to her senses by then or have a couple of regular friends.
Whiskey
08-12-2010, 03:04 AM
It sounds like she wants to get laid. It seems like you have a huge problem with her having sex. Would these guys be okay if she met them in a knitting class? or at a bar? what about around a school campus? I seriously doubt shes going to post up her address on craigslist for a free-for-all.
My two best friends, who i live and breathe for, met me on the internet. I've known them both for five years. I've had numerous affairs, frolics and road trips with or to see people I didn't know. You seem quite judgmental. You should show her this thread so she can see that shes fat with low self esteem and thats why shes so crazy.
It sounds like she wants to get laid. It seems like you have a huge problem with her having sex. Would these guys be okay if she met them in a knitting class? or at a bar? what about around a school campus? I seriously doubt shes going to post up her address on craigslist for a free-for-all.
My two best friends, who i live and breathe for, met me on the internet. I've known them both for five years. I've had numerous affairs, frolics and road trips with or to see people I didn't know. You seem quite judgmental. You should show her this thread so she can see that shes fat with low self esteem and thats why shes so crazy.
She actually did put the add on craigslist that basically said they would come to her house. I don't care if she gets all the sex she wants. I just want my friend to be safe and not meet any crazy people.
Ya and I am not trying to say that my best friend is some crazy fat chick with low self esteem. She has told me many times that her weight is an issue with her wanting to meet and date people. So she probably finds it easier to just meet these random guys for sex and not expect anything else.
I have met friends online as well and see nothing wrong with that. Her add was really blunt and I don't want her to get hurt.
Whiskey
08-12-2010, 04:57 AM
She actually did put the add on craigslist that basically said they would come to her house. I don't care if she gets all the sex she wants. I just want my friend to be safe and not meet any crazy people.
You should probably lock her in the closet then because crazy people roam the streets! Theyre everywhere! They could live next door to you! Ted Bundy was a lawyer AND a serial killer! She better just stay away from everyone ever. And you said they would come to her house. Not your house. If you live together, I'm sure she'd meet up somewhere else. Hell, like most people, she's probably going to meet them elsewhere to see what kind of vibe she gets. I've met people in starbucks and we went back to my apartment for drinks and merriment.
For the record, I did not get axe murdered.
edit: you sound like my grandma
You should probably lock her in the closet then because crazy people roam the streets! Theyre everywhere! They could live next door to you! Ted Bundy was a lawyer AND a serial killer! She better just stay away from everyone ever. And you said they would come to her house. Not your house. If you live together, I'm sure she'd meet up somewhere else. Hell, like most people, she's probably going to meet them elsewhere to see what kind of vibe she gets. I've met people in starbucks and we went back to my apartment for drinks and merriment.
For the record, I did not get axe murdered.
edit: you sound like my grandma
Yes however your chances for meeting a crazy person increase when you put an add on craigslist for sex then if you walked into the supermarket for a gallon of milk.
Ah I sound like your grandma? People at work tend to call me the work mom but not grandma :lol:
Whiskey
08-12-2010, 05:07 AM
Your odds increase if you leave the house as opposed to not leaving the house. if she goes to a bar trying to get laid, theres a chance she'll get drugged. If she goes to a cafe on a date, theres a chance she'll be stalked home and murdered. Theres a chance if I go out on my balcony I'll chuck my beer bottle at whoever the fuck decided screaming at 10pm was a good idea.
Leave your friend alone to get laid by any means she deems reasonable. Its not like she'll reply to the first email she gets with her address. You seem to think your friend is incredibly stupid as well. Chances are shes posting the ad to see what kind of response she gets. If she does have low self esteem, the responses alone will help her feel attractive. If she wants to bang until she has self worth, let her. Quit trying to be her mother and be her friend.
Leave your friend alone to get laid by any means she deems reasonable. Its not like she'll reply to the first email she gets with her address. You seem to think your friend is incredibly stupid as well. Chances are shes posting the ad to see what kind of response she gets. If she does have low self esteem, the responses alone will help her feel attractive. If she wants to bang until she has self worth, let her. Quit trying to be her mother and be her friend.
I really don't think she is stupid. My concern is only that she doesn't get hurt physically or emotionally.
I am not trying to be her mother. When she first told me all I said was to be safe and when she sent me the pictures of the guys I told her which ones I thought were her type and we had fun with it.
Every time she tells me her ideas or plans I always say go for it and you can do it. That is why we became best friends. She told me that I don't judge her and tell her what she shouldn't and can't do.
Seriously, I just want what is best and all that I have said here I have not told her because I did not want to sound like what a mother would say.
So I will sit back and let her have all the fun she wants and be here for her if she needs to talk about any of this.
Whiskey
08-12-2010, 05:30 AM
So I will sit back and let her have all the fun she wants and be here for her if she needs to talk about any of this.
You can't protect her from anything. She can get hurt physically and emotionally from anyone. Its not more likely to happen because she met someone on the internet. Women were getting beat up and emotionally abused before computers existed. Despite what you believe, people who look for sex on the internet aren't all deviant, sick, rapist perverts. Some are too lazy to get out and socialize until they find someone, some dont like bars, some just want to have a one off at a motel because work is tough and you really dont want to see the other person ever again. I know when I was working 100+ hours a week, I'd post up ads to go out to coffee/hook up/get drinks/whatever I felt like because its a lot less effort to sift through email for a half hour and make a date for that night then sit alone at a bar and try to find someone to talk to.
The internet is not the scary, deviant place you seem to think it is. Its people who walk down the street trying to get laid. You have probably stood in line at the grocery store with the guy she plans to fuck.
The internet is not the scary, deviant place you seem to think it is. Its people who walk down the street trying to get laid. You have probably stood in line at the grocery store with the guy she plans to fuck.
I do see your point. See I am glad I posted this here. You did make me look at it different.
And I know she will meet them first and see what kind of vibe she gets. It is not like she posted her address and said come one come all :p
I admit I was tiffed at first but now I understand what you are saying :)
AdminAssistant
08-12-2010, 02:55 PM
There are two things to keep in mind:
1) The internet is full of both decent people just trying to get laid, and it is also full of creeps and losers who could easily take advantage of someone. Meeting at a hotel would be safer than her house, IMO.
2) You don't "bang" your way to self-esteem. I learned that the hard way. I had really bad low self esteem due to self image issues (still kinda do, but not as bad anymore). I threw myself into FWB situations thinking that I could sex my way to a better self image. Instead, I felt like a whore and became more depressed than I was in the first place.
Also, if you need to get laid that bad, get a damn vibrator. I recommend the rabbit styles from babeland.com.
Seshat
08-12-2010, 05:28 PM
I really don't think she is stupid. My concern is only that she doesn't get hurt physically or emotionally.
We grow by being hurt. We develop as people by learning from our mistakes, and the mistakes of others.
Dossie Eastman and Katherine Liszt are a pair of sexuality authors - their works are compilations of the results of peoples' mistakes. Actually, you can get good books about sexuality from many sex stores, and sex-positive bookstore. These books often include ways to avoid many of the physical and emotional sorts of pain that's out there.
My own recommendation - if she wants sex, find a friend-with-benefits. A closed group of friends-with-benefits greatly reduces the risk of STDs, and of running into a creep.
If she wants self-esteem, find a counsellor or psychiatrist, or do some voluntary work in the community.
If she wants to learn to like her body, develop a skill she can do with it. Anything - carpentry, dance, embroidery, working with a wildlife rehab group. And feel the body moving, and value it. Also, working with a counsellor can help.
wolfie
08-12-2010, 06:04 PM
One possibility I haven't seen mentioned here is an "on-premises" swingers club (note that I have no personal experience with such clubs, merely recounting what I've seen in the paper).
Many such clubs allow single women (but not single men) in addition to their normal "couples" audience, and they're quite strict about enforcing rules of behaviour (i.e. "no means no", condoms mandatory). If your friend is just looking for casual sex, this might be a safer option than Craigslist.
KiaKat
08-12-2010, 07:32 PM
Whiskey, chill. People get concerned over the choices their friends make. Personally I think J has some very valid concerns.
Craigslist is full of deviants. That's not to say that all of the people who post there are deviant, nor that being deviant is always bad. But Craigslist has a larger share of the Disturbed Population than bars, clubs, or other places that require a fee and a certain appearance to get in (most good bars will throw the skeevy-looking ones out, and most decent clubs have dress codes). Craigslist is about as safe as going to the park and picking someone up. You might luck out and end up with someone good, but you're just as likely to end up murdered (remember the Craigslist Killer?), drugged, or raped.
The only perspective I have to bring to this is as someone who developed a long history of deviant behaviour, then went and became a bartender. I won't go into details in public, but you see a lot from both sides of the world that way, and I can honestly say it's contributed to my dislike of people as a whole.
It's also contributed to my current preference for females (the fiance being the exception). I'm sorry guys, but based on my history, I'm a lot more likely to be concerned for my safety when I'm in a group of guys I don't know. Women are more psycho, true, but guys are more skeezy. Give me psycho any day.
Craigslist is NOT the place for most sane people to go looking for random sex. There are a lot of good people on the internet, but most of them don't go prowling the W4M section of Craigslist Personals.
That's entirely beside the point that your friend, J, is NOT acting safely. You do NOT bring the person back to your home. Ever. First meeting is ALWAYS in a public place, and then to a hotel where she can alert the front desk person if there might be a problem.
She might luck out. Or she might end up in a lot of trouble. If she's being safe about it, then you can let her be, and address the issue if it's still a problem when you plan on moving in together.
Unfortunately, she may not have thought of any of this.
Rapscallion
08-12-2010, 08:00 PM
Some of this is getting too personal. I don't mean too much information, but it's getting close to outright name-calling. Please dial it back from eleven.
Rapscallion
Der Cute
08-12-2010, 10:15 PM
Ok.
I'll be honest. Cover your eyes if you don't wanna read this.
I've been on CL to get some nooky. Hell, I found my honey, the guy I've been with for almost 2 years now, on CL!!
I had had a 5 year dry spell. I decided to get some. Plain and simple. I used CL, and found that the guys I chatted to weren't all bad. What my critera was this: Email a few times and get to read the emails, and the lines between them. See a pic or two of the person's face/attire, and see if I pick up any vibes (yes you can). If my stomach says No Way Jose, I politely decline and block that email from showing up.
Once I chatted to a person, I could decide to use phone and hear their voice. If I was ok with that, then we could meet in a public place. Hotel/hotel restaurant.
It wasn't beautiful, rainbows and bunnies and unicorns sex, it was get the itch taken care of sex. It worked.
I hate bars, since I dont drink. I am very bad at socializing - small talk doesn't work with me. I'm not easily able to go up to a guy and say "Hi. My name's Cutenoob, what's yours?" So I decided to get some physical stuff out of the way, with CL.
If your friend is any good at sussing out vibes on people, let her try it. Public place, public meeting, if she decides no, then she can say, "I'm sorry, this won't work." and leave.
Wallet must stay in car, btw.
Cutenoob
Seshat
08-13-2010, 09:15 AM
Depending on location, for 'get the itch taken care of' sex, there may be prostitution available. If regulated, clean-premises, safer-sex-precautions legal prostitution is available; it can be a very safe way to sate the body.
Thanks everyone for the additional responses.
Like I said before all I want her to be is SAFE.
I don't want to judge her and I also want to understand why she is doing this because it doesn't seem like her.
I have been thinking about this for days and I just don't think she will get any self worth from having sex with random guys.
I know deep down inside she wants to meet somebody that will really like her and want to be with here on all levels. But for some reason she is going this route to find that person.
It looks like it started because she put something on her facebook about being in an emotional situation with a guy. All I want to do is be there for her and not see my best friend get hurt. I know I can't protect her from that but I can hope for it.
Der Cute
08-13-2010, 04:15 PM
And I think it's noble that you're concerned about her, and keeping an eye on her activities. Strange, out of character things can be symptoms for other issues.
But honestly, I think she needs to do this herself. You can remind her "Hey, I'm concerned, and I don't want you to get hurt. I can just see you getting attached to Mr. MondayNight, and pining for him on Thursday or Friday. Are you REALLY doing this to scratch that itch?"
And once that's said, leave it be. No beating dead horses, she needs to learn something, that's why she's doing this. Be there if she needs a hug, and be her friend, but you can't be her mom/dad.
Cutenoob
And once that's said, leave it be. No beating dead horses, she needs to learn something, that's why she's doing this. Be there if she needs a hug, and be her friend, but you can't be her mom/dad.
Cutenoob
This is exactly what I was thinking is the best route for me to go. I will continue to be her support and best friend :)
Seshat
08-15-2010, 03:35 AM
I think you're right that this isn't going to give her self-worth. I think you're right that this has the potential to be dangerous. I think you're a good person for not wanting her to be hurt.
But if she's going to do this despite advice to the contrary, there's nothing you can do that will stop her - all you can do is support her.
BTW: I've been to our local family planning/safer sex sort of clinic, where I am. My regular doctor at the time recommended them for IUD insertion, cause they do contraceptive stuff so often. In fact, they have two specialists just for IUDs!
I was very impressed by how professional they are, and how kind. If yours are anything like mine, you may want to make a note of where they are and what their hours are, in case she needs emergency medical support. Or preventative medical support.
They may also know where she can go for emotional assistance - they're accustomed to dealing with people who have problems they're handling in unhelpful ways.
vBulletin® v3.8.4, Copyright ©2000-2012, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.