So I may have to give it all up

[fireheart]

My anxiety and depression aren't getting much better. No matter how hard I try to think positively or to get better, nothing seems to work. I slip up, I then feel worse and then I try again, but every single time it always comes back. I want it gone for good.
Unfortunately, it means I might have to give up almost everything.
Why?

Work-The duties I feel I need to be able to cope at all are the supervisor-related jobs (i.e. counting all the drawers, checking off the smoke orders etc.) and my manager won't give me cash office OR supervisor roles as she believes I can't cope with it. On top of that, Justin Bieber lookalike will most likely get the supervisor role.

Driving-if I go on antianxiety medications, I won't be able to drive.

Career/uni-name ONE teacher, just ONE, who takes the bus to wherever he or she teaches and is a successful teacher. Because if I have to give up driving, then I'll have to give up teaching as well.

Put it short, I can't find a single positive thing about myself. Nothing. Except for the ability to spread my legs and breed. But then again, everyone else can do that.

What I do have?

A good boyfriend-my sister probably just wants to wait. I'm not going to hold that over her. I waited too. Unlike the other issues I'm currently facing, I wasn't in any rush to lose my virginity and my sister won't be either.
Good friends-my sister has those too.
The fact that I got into uni-sheer luck. My sister will get in easily.

I need help, but I can't get help because nothing has helped me so far and whatever I do have I"m gonna have to give up EVERYTHING. I have no time or energy to do much else and hell, even exercise and walking means that my mind just wanders.

[Whiskey]

Girl, no. As a depressive I will one-by-one your post

My anxiety and depression aren't getting much better. No matter how hard I try to think positively or to get better, nothing seems to work. I slip up, I then feel worse and then I try again, but every single time it always comes back. I want it gone for good.
Unfortunately, it means I might have to give up almost everything.
Why?

Do you love everything you have? You dont give up things you love. You give up things you love and you lose yourself.


Work-The duties I feel I need to be able to cope at all are the supervisor-related jobs (i.e. counting all the drawers, checking off the smoke orders etc.) and my manager won't give me cash office OR supervisor roles as she believes I can't cope with it. On top of that, Justin Bieber lookalike will most likely get the supervisor role.
I dont know where youre at, but in my podunk city, they're DYING for supervisory people. Start scouting new jobs. Once the interviews start coming in, you'll relax. I have one, if not two, interviews next week and its lifted so much stress. You're valuable to your company, therefore you have value to other companies. You know what your skills and abilities are, if your manager chooses not to see them then thats them and its out of your control.


Driving-if I go on antianxiety medications, I won't be able to drive.
Elaborate (if you want) because I have no idea what you mean?


Career/uni-name ONE teacher, just ONE, who takes the bus to wherever he or she teaches and is a successful teacher. Because if I have to give up driving, then I'll have to give up teaching as well.

Any teacher in a decent metro. In any relatively large city, NO ONE owns a car. If/when I transfer to UC Berkeley or UC Santa Cruz, it will be redundant to own a car. Professors bus, students bus, normal people bus. Why? Because its green, its cheaper, and its cheaper.


Put it short, I can't find a single positive thing about myself. Nothing. Except for the ability to spread my legs and breed. But then again, everyone else can do that.


I like you :)


I need help, but I can't get help because nothing has helped me so far and whatever I do have I"m gonna have to give up EVERYTHING. I have no time or energy to do much else and hell, even exercise and walking means that my mind just wanders.

Realize this is the disease talking. Whether its temporary or chronic, that is the disease. When depression hits, its EVERYTHING. Everything is going wrong. NO ONE loves me. THE WORLD is coming to an end.

Everything has helped you so far. It hasnt turned you around and made you perfect, but you're strong enough to be here, talking about it. That takes a lot of bravery. If theres one thing thats helped me throughout the years of living with.. myself its this phrase

Depression is a drama queen.

Everything feels like the end of the world, its all or nothing, choose love or success, etc etc. It's a satirical way to look at it, but I've found humor cracks depression in half.

The world is not ending. You have people who love you and support you. You have a community of "strangers" who type paragraphs to lift your spirits and advise you the best they can, you have routines and habits that if you didnt show up, someone would notice.

okay i think thats enough yeah? I'm getting a little <music swells, eyes tear up> here.

[fireheart]

To explain, if they put me on a separate antianxiety medication and something long-term, it may interfere with my ability to drive which is where the career issue comes in.
We've established that I'm relapsing even ON the moclobemide and unlike the last time where I was testing the waters off of the lexapro, this isn't withdrawal or anything similar.

Unfortunately it's also looking like the dysthymia is chronic and in my case it may end up being lifelong whether I like it or not. The good things about me are not going to put food on the table, or a roof over my head.

Also, I'm Australian and studying at uni. I'm still living with my parents, but given I just put a couple of holes in the wall (over sheer frustration) now I'm worried they'll boot me out sooner or later.


It also feels like I need to stand up for myself, but then people tell me to walk away and it's like they DON'T want me to stand up for myself then. That people are happier if I don't stand up for myself. But if I walk away I feel like I'm letting them win, and every single time I've done that, they've gone along and hurt somebody else and I've felt horrible because I ignored it when I could've stopped them in the first place. I can't keep going to authority figures because it makes things worse.

[Whiskey]

To explain, if they put me on a separate antianxiety medication and something long-term, it may interfere with my ability to drive which is where the career issue comes in.

Every medication does this, seriously. Ive never been on a medication that I wasnt advised to "be careful when driving" or something similar. I had one medication turn me basically blind. Thats one medication in a sea of hundreds. Benzos (im assuming thats what you mean) are generally okay as long as theyre not abused. Your results may vary, i'm not a doctor, etc.

Unfortunately it's also looking like the dysthymia is chronic and in my case it may end up being lifelong whether I like it or not. The good things about me are not going to put food on the table, or a roof over my head.
But the good things about you cause you to be a good person who works hard and excels at what they do. This job, or this managers opinion, means very little in the long run. It gets better, trust me.


It also feels like I need to stand up for myself, but then people tell me to walk away and it's like they DON'T want me to stand up for myself then. That people are happier if I don't stand up for myself. But if I walk away I feel like I'm letting them win, and every single time I've done that, they've gone along and hurt somebody else and I've felt horrible because I ignored it when I could've stopped them in the first place. I can't keep going to authority figures because it makes things worse.

Walking away is standing up for yourself. YOU are the most important thing in your life. If walking away means better health and better opportunities, then walk away. You're not letting them win anything. They now have to find someone to replace you and good workers are VERY hard to find. My boss is finding that out first hand. You cant control other people and what they do. You can report it and take the appropriate steps, but you arent responsible if no one else takes action and it hurts someone else. THAT ISNT YOUR FAULT. You do whats best for you. You're the only one, at the end of the day, that is truly looking out for you. Its a great thing to look out for other people, but not to your own detriment.

[Amina516]

I cant add anything else in here, but what Whiskey says is right on.

Depression in a drama queen, dont let her run your life.

((hugs))

BTW, Youre awesome.

Do what makes you happy and healthy. YOU are the only one you need to worry about.

[Victory Sabre]

I'll be honest: I really don't know much about depression.

I do, however, give you my best, and my hopes that everything works out for you.

[Magpie]

Fireheart, no one gets into university though luck. You can get in on being disgustingly smart, or you can get in through working really hard. It's also occasionally possible to get in by being clever and knowing how to game the system, but that's it's own form of smartness (i.e. getting good marks when you don't know more than someone who gets mid-70's all the time).

[BookstoreEscapee]

I don't know what anti-anxiety meds they want to put you on, but when I was on them (Xanax) it made me better able to drive...because driving is one of the things that cranked my anxiety up to 11. Just about every drug out there in the depression/anxiety world is gonna have a warning about driving. Usually (at least in the US) it's followed by something along the lines of "until you know how it affects you." In other words, once you adjust to it most likely you'll be fine. (When I started on Effexor I couldn't drive for a week, until I adjusted and the dizziness went away.)

I don't see why taking public transportation means you can't be <whatever>. If it gets you where you need to be on time, what's the difference?

Sometimes the best way to stand up for yourself is to walk away. It tells the person that you are not going to stay and put up with whatever they are doing/saying. You can't stop them from going and doing whatever they will to other people. A bully will find someone who lets themselves be bullied; if one person doesn't allow it, they will find another target, and you are not responsible for that. It makes them bad people, not you.

And stop comparing yourself to your sister.

[csquared]

Make up your list of questions about the meds and side affects. Then go see your doctor. Get your answers first hand. Then make up your mind what you want to do. Also keep in mind, this is what is available today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. You may need to make sacrifices now, but you can try something else later.

You struggled to get into Uni, but you did it. That tells me that if you set your mind to something, you can do it. So here is your next challenge:

Prove those idiot managers of yours that they are wrong.

You have been told that this job is a dead end for you. It is time to get out. You have a job, so you can take your time finding a new one. You need to find one where the management has not decided your career path for you already.

Don't give up on teaching just yet. When I worked at <Major University in Chicago>, there were four, tenured professors who did not own cars. The department chair, did own a car, but took the bus to work.

As I said earlier, who knows what tomorrow will bring. Don't let "the box" stop you. Assume you will find a way out of the box. 20 year ago, I never thought that I would be giving advice to someone who lives in Australia. Who knows. In a few years you might be teaching a class in the US without leaving your home town.

By the way, I can also give you some tips on fixing those holes. You need to stop doing that, it is bad for your hands.

Reading your posts, I have always that that your are smart and witty. I think that you will get past this.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

"Also, I'm Australian and studying at uni. I'm still living with my parents, but given I just put a couple of holes in the wall (over sheer frustration) now I'm worried they'll boot me out sooner or later."

Well, talk to your parents. Tell them your concerns, tell them that given the choice you wouldn't feel horrible (right? right.), and apologize for the wall, and fix it the best you can, both the wall and your relationship with your parents. In raising you, and any siblings you may have (?), I'm sure a hole in the wall isn't anything to kick you out about. But... I don't know your parents. If yours are any like mine, then they're more concerned that you aren't yourself/feeling poorly than with holes in the wall. :hug:

Also, totally agree with the bus comments that other people have given. Cars and cities are a PITA. And cost so much money... and can get stolen, broken, etc. If there was a good bus system here, I'd totally take the bus everywhere.

[trailerparkmedic]

I live in a city that isn't very pro-public transportation, and at least one of my PhD holding professors takes the bus. Don't let the details get you down.

[BlaqueKatt]

Career/uni-name ONE teacher, just ONE, who takes the bus to wherever he or she teaches and is a successful teacher. Because if I have to give up driving, then I'll have to give up teaching as well.

I can give you a list of over 2000, in my fair city-the University of Wisconsin professors are given bus passes free of charge as a "benefit" for being a State employee. And you'd better believe they take full advantage of it. Think about it-they don't have to worry about traffic/parking*, car insurance, Gas, vehicle maintenance, the possibility of being late due to "car trouble"-I've witnessed several grading papers on the bus ride. Heck I talked to one Doctor at the teaching hospital(yup they get the passes as well, state funded hospital/med school), that was talking about how he sold his car the day he got hired.

*they have to pay for parking permits-which depending on the space available/desired-the permit can run up to $2000.00, vs. a free bus pass.

[Magpie]

Fireheart, I have to ask: why do you need to compare yourself to your sister? My sister and I are nothing alike, and this is partially due to her need to differentiate herself from the rest of the family. How can I say this with confidence? She apparently hates math and science, and isn't any good at them. But she understands advanced concepts, and gets good marks in the courses. I'm sure she's happy where she is, but because of her need to compare to me, she shut herself off from other things that could help.

I understand that your worries go deeper than that (and I'm not about to address most of them, because other people have done so, and some of them are obviously just that you're anxious, and looking for reasons to be so). But I want you to take a look at this if you can. And remember that we're here for you, and that you're more worth it than you think right now, that you have chemicals in your brain affecting your judgement.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I've witnessed several grading papers on the bus ride.

That's one of the things I loved about commuting to Philly. I still had a car - I lived about 10 minutes from the train station (where parking was 50c a day unless I ended up in the unpaved overflow area, where it was free) and needed it to get around where I lived - but I spent a 1/2 hour on the train each way, didn't have to worry about parking in the city (which would have been at least comparable to, if not more than, my monthly train pass), and I could read a book on my way to work.

[Der Cute]

Hey Fireheart:

I've had dysthymia for at least 10 years now. It's treatable. It DOES pull me down on occasion and I get sad, morbid-ish, dramatic "zomg dieeeeeee" but I know in the back of my head that Those Thoughts are Bullshit. They Will Leave.

There are a lot of treatments for depression. Now, in Austrailia, it might differ from the drugs available here in the US. Is your doc "suggesting" benzos? Those are pretty heavy duty, they get the job done, but there are many many other ones with less side effects.
Effexor
Lamictal
Remeron
Valproic Acid
Celexa
Xanax
Prozac...google the names and get the official drug name and print that out for your doc.

Can you write out your goals? Just 4, and post it on the wall? Give yourself credits as you go along that you're making progress towards #2, and have some thing running in the back about #3.

Please also get a referral (hey check your uni's med office!) for a psych counselor. You can't always fix depression with just a drug. 2 pronged approach is known to work better.

Hugs, chocolate, and go for walks. The endorphins help a bit.
Cutenoob

[Mishi]

Anyone can spread their legs and breed, but how many of them can be good mums? You're witty, smart and even though you're depressed, you know how you'd like to be treated and I think you'd do a pretty good job raising kids. After all, you want to work full-time with them! Besides, what does breeding have to do with it anyway?

The public transport is pretty bad (up here anyway) but if you can get a teaching position in a decent suburb then you won't have to worry as much about a license as if you were living out the back of nowhere.

Also - don't compare yourself to your sister. You're two different people and will have individual strengths and weaknesses. My little sister is freakin' awesome and I wish I had some of her qualities. She wishes that she could find pretty clothes as easily as I do as well as standing up to people like I do. Find something you do well that your sister can't and be proud of your individuality. Find something active that has concrete results and revel in it. On the days when you're feeling really down, you can look at it and think "Oh wow, I made that and it's actually pretty cool." (Yeah I know you'll probably only see the flaws, real or imagined, but it's worth a try)

If you can, go to the hardware store and grab some plasterboard repair kits. They're pretty easy to use, the last one I got was from Bunnings and it cost around $16.

[fireheart]

Sorry I haven't updated, was in hospital over the weekend. Finally got another diagnosis-Borderline Personality Disorder. May be doing the DBT BUT the only issue is going to be hoping that the therapy sessions don't clash with work/uni. Work: don't want to be stuck with bare minimum hours due to therapy sessions AND uni.

My dad's fixing the holes since he's more qualified-he's a carpenter by trade.

Work-wise: currently searching for a new job while still at current one. I'll be lucky if the stores will take me in despite me needing to give 3 weeks notice....

[Flying Grype]

My mother and I have both been on meds -- antidepressants for me, antianxiety for her -- and it doesn't stop either of us from driving. Hell, the labels on the bottles vary from month to month at the same pharmacy. One month I get "do not operate heavy machinery", the next I get "consume alcohol only in moderation", the next "DO NOT drink alcohol while on this medication". :rolleyes

Seriously, not everyone gets those side effects, and you don't know whether you will until you try. I'd be more afraid of driving with anxiety issues myself.

[Mishi]

:hug: Being in hospital sucks, but at least you have a bit more information than you did. Hope things start looking up for you really soon! :hug:

[Seshat]

It also feels like I need to stand up for myself, but then people tell me to walk away and it's like they DON'T want me to stand up for myself then. That people are happier if I don't stand up for myself. But if I walk away I feel like I'm letting them win, and every single time I've done that, they've gone along and hurt somebody else and I've felt horrible because I ignored it when I could've stopped them in the first place. I can't keep going to authority figures because it makes things worse.

Make your own decisions here, based on what's right for YOU, not what other people want.

Sit down with a piece of paper and write the pros and cons of the different ways of asserting yourself in any given situation. (This is a beginner's exercise in standing up for yourself, yes - as you get more practice, you'll be able to do it in your head.)

Walking away can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Going to authority figures can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Telling a person 'don't do that' can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Defusing a situation with a smartass joke can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Letting a person talk until they prove themselves an idiot can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Debating an idiot in front of a group, but framing your side of the debate so that the rest of the group can see that YOU are being logical and intelligent, while HE is being kneejerk and idiotic, can be a way of standing up for yourself.
Saying 'I don't want to talk about that' can be a way of standing up for yourself.

It's all about the correct method at the correct time, and it's all about looking after YOU. Whiskey's post where she said you are not responsible for other peoples' actions is correct.

During the periods of time when you are relatively healthy and have energy to spare, you may choose to spend that energy on correcting unhealthy aspects of our society. Or you might not.
During the periods of time when it's all you can do to make it through the day, your responsibility is to look after yourself.
You are disabled, no less so than the person with paraplegia. Noone expects the paraplegic to run. Noone should expect you to take on emotionally stressful tasks that aren't directly related to improving your health.



Edit to add:
There are plenty of Australian universities where you can use public transport to get around very easily. PM me for a list of the ones I know.

[fireheart]

Edit to add:
There are plenty of Australian universities where you can use public transport to get around very easily. PM me for a list of the ones I know.

I'm at the uni in Adelaide named after a famous explorer. And I already know the transport for that area. It may be a slight hassle if I move interstate and I may have to downgrade my licence if that's the case but I'm not sure (the requirements for P-Platers change interstate)

Regarding driving, we managed to work out how many more lessons I have left to go-the answer is not many. I also have about 9 or so hours left to do out of the 50 required. Given I do 2 lessons a week-one with dad, one with a driving instructor, plus dad will pick me up from work in my car and let me drive home, the time adds up pretty quickly. We worked out I'd meet the 50 hour requirement before I'd completed the final drive for the compentencies I'm doing. Well, final drives really-one covers the basics, moving out from the kerb, moving into the kerb, stop and go with the handbrake, gear changing, hill starts, u-turns, 3-point turns, 90 degree angle parking and reverse paralle parking. The other one is a 25 minute drive through heavy traffic demonstrating the skills you've learnt.

Regarding the medication issue, they've given me something called Seronquel XR (Extended release) which I take before bed. That's helped me a LOT to get to sleep and during the day as well. I only take a 1/4 of the tablet though, as we've found that doesn't knock me out as much but still works enough to calm me down. A full tablet would knock me out heavily and also virtually prohibit me from driving at all. They've also upped my medication to 750mg of Moclobemide (I'm on 600mg at the moment), however as there's been no information given to suggest that this is safe so I'd rather not try anything until my GP clears it. So far the 600mg and the seronquel seem to be working. The absolute maximum has been marked as 600mg. I would've preferred going on something that doesn't cause immediate weight gain, but since the effects of the moclobemide cancel out any possible weight gain in the seronquel, that's good enough for me.

As for the DBT therapy they offered, I had to reject it. Why? I don't need to give work another reason to get rid of me. I already restricted myself to night shifts as they're quieter and I'm less likely to have any flare ups. The DBT would've required me to give up Wednesday afternoons as well-my schedule is already restrictive enough as it is. I can't afford to live on the bare minimum hours they give me. Scarily enough, my prediction was true-if I wanted to get better, I'd have to give up a LOT. Work included. Uni? possibly. Driving? Possibly not since I'm so close.

[Whiskey]

they've given me something called Seronquel XR

Seroquel (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001030)?
The absolute maximum has been marked as 600mg.
the max isnt the absolute max. Generally though, once you hit the max they start adding and making up a cocktail of pills.
my prediction was true-if I wanted to get better, I'd have to give up a LOT. Work included. Uni? possibly. Driving? Possibly not since I'm so close.

If you don't get better, you'll end up giving it all up anyways eventually. "Where theres a will, theres a way" isnt a tired old cliche for no reason.

[Seshat]

Both Anna and I have had to learn to pick and choose what we keep.

We live largely on disability pensions, because trying to do paying work has always ended up with us crashing horribly.

However, we both write articles for a disability webzine which pays well, which is a nice pension supplement. (Victoria-specific, alas, otherwise I'd give you the URL in PM.)

We use the word 'cope' as a noun. For us, it means - well, the ability to function. Time, we have plenty of. Cope, not so much of. And we certainly don't have the level of cope/day that a healthy person seems to!

We both designate cope for physiotherapy & psychotherapy stuff which helps keeps us functional.

We both designate cope for family.

We designate some level of cope for volunteer work, but that has to vary based on health.

We designate cope for self-fulfillment. Writing for our own pleasure, playing music - whatever we want to do.

We designate some of the day's cope for healing - that cope is left unused, and the body and psyche will use it. (We both found tht if we didn't, we gradually got sicker and sicker.)

And we designate some cope for de-stressing activities that let us build up emotional & mental cope for tomorrow, as well as physical rest and sleep that build up physical cope for tomorrow.

You might (or might not) find that thinking this way helps you prioritise what you do, so that you do what you CHOOSE to, not whatever falls into your lap.

[Mytical]

At the risk of being smacked I'll send you an internet hug *hug* and tell you that if you ever need somebody to listen (or talk to), I am just a pm away.

[emax4]

I think you may not find many teachers taking the bus, perhaps the reason being that if they need to stay later and help students, which may be later than the bus runs. :) I'm just guessing...

Put it this way.. I don't know you, but I was browsing and saw that someone was reaching out for help and/or advice, and i thought I might be able to provide, but you seem to have a lot of people here already doing the same. So I hope you know that strangers are willing to look out for one another two. But my name's Eric, so now we're only 1/2 strangers now (thank you Forrest Gump).

hope things are looking better!

[Solumina]

Since you are at Uni you may want to see if they have a mental health center. My uni had one, conveniently staffed by some of the proffs from the psychology department. They offered sessions at any time of day that classes were held and since it was right there I was able to go between classes. D was the best mental health professional that I remember ever seeing and we were able to meet whenever my schedule allowed, my appointment changed on a fairly regular basis based on projects and frequently with less than a weeks notice. If your uni has anything similar then you could make your appointments after you get your work schedule. At the very least it is something to look into.

I do wish you the best.