Cold inside

[Midnight12]

the kind of cold that seeps into your bones when the memories you have pushed back for so long finally break and seep in....
And these memories are old...as in several years. Something traumatic that I thought I handled well and moved on yet apparently still stuffed or pushed it aside. I learned how to deal with things, but not what to do when I cannot or do not want to deal and how to be able to get myself in a state or place in my mind to eventually deal with such things.

It affects me as a mother, how I am either so protective of Lisa that I delayed her crawling or sitting up. Or I will sit in front of the tv and be aware of her yet still zoned out. I hate myself for zoning out.

It affects me as a person as I can't recall when I was myself since these happened. Just a bundle of emotions wrapped with humor. No wonder DH treads with care around me. f***

it makes my head hurt as I don't want to relive it I don't want to cry I don't want to deal with it still and I know. talk to my therapist about it. it just means another cry session in some office

[Whiskey]

CRYING is GOOD. It means youre hurting which is the first step into dealing with anything traumatic.

Don't be afraid to cry.

[Midnight12]

i know this. and it would be fine. This is the kind of cry that if I do it will hurt ALL OVER, my heart will hurt it will physically ache even if it was a fresh memory. It radiates throughout and I cannot stand that. As weird or creepy as it sounds. And when its done I am useless. Or worn to the point if there is anything left i pray i can crawl to the bedroom

[BookstoreEscapee]

CRYING is GOOD. It means youre hurting which is the first step into dealing with anything traumatic.

Don't be afraid to cry.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqFuhCfb3Fk

:hug:

[Midnight12]

still don't want to
still a stubborn pain
makes me wish i was psychic so i could just say here, take the image I don't want to talk about it

[Peppergirl]

Listen, LF - alot of people call me the 'ice queen' because I seem so detached and unaffected by things. I'm really not - I bottle things up and stuff them down...so when I cry probably twice a year and when it happens, I can COMPLETELY relate to the physical, gut-wrenching pain that comes with it. It's a HORRIBLE feeling, but you do feel somewhat relieved afterward, right?

Isn't that better than this?

[Whiskey]

i know this. and it would be fine. This is the kind of cry that if I do it will hurt ALL OVER, my heart will hurt it will physically ache even if it was a fresh memory. It radiates throughout and I cannot stand that. As weird or creepy as it sounds. And when its done I am useless. Or worn to the point if there is anything left i pray i can crawl to the bedroom

thats called grieving. Grieving isnt only for deaths. Its apart of getting better. It has to happen or you will never complete the cycle to get better.

No one can stand being absolutely WRECKED by grief, but it NEEDS to happen. If you don't let it happen, itll ruin your entire life.

edit: to cosign on Pepperelfs post, I'm a bottler too. You know what happens? once or twice a year I wreck every good thing in my life. I get rid of my friends, i fail classes, I hurt myself and I hurt others. Why? Because I refuse to deal with my grief. Deal with your grief. Please.

[Mytical]

Right now, I have no advice or anything to give. I will just give a *hug* instead.

[Peppergirl]

thats called grieving. Grieving isnt only for deaths. Its apart of getting better. It has to happen or you will never complete the cycle to get better.

No one can stand being absolutely WRECKED by grief, but it NEEDS to happen. If you don't let it happen, itll ruin your entire life.

QFT.

It's putting off the inevitable not to grieve. Easier said than done, I know - but it simply has to happen.

You know where to find us. :hug:

[Midnight12]

thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.

[Peppergirl]

thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.

This is where you're hurting so bad that it's gone beyond pain and into numbness and apathy.

PLEASE talk to your therapist.

[Midnight12]

next appointment is this coming tuesday. going to bed will post tomorrow

[Whiskey]

thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.

You know how I know this isnt the truth? Because if you didnt care you wouldnt post it to a forum of people who you KNOW care about you.

You care, but its scary to care. It scary to break down and be vulnerable. It makes you feel weak and exposed which is why there are therapists around to help you through this. Thats why you have friends and supports, real life or internet.

I know for a fact we're all here to support you in getting better

[Midnight12]

yeah. thats why i posted here, for that help that I won't feel the need to run from even though its from others behind a screen therein lies the safety factor. I wrote all this down (not word for word kind of thing) in the avoidance journal as I was asked to do for therapist so that it can be worked on. The whole avoidance thing.

Sleep helped some but not much. What do you want me to say whiskey? I'm aware of whats happening and aware of what I need to or should be doing and this is my first attempt at doing something about it instead of letting it get further worse. not snapping at you just...well i suppose if I were saying this it would be monotone cause i'm still numb. i do have motivation though, every time my daughter smiles

[Seshat]

Okay. Here's some other ways to grieve:

* Paint. Get poster paints and cheap children's-paintings paper if you like, and just paint whatever you feel. Paint your emotions, if you like. Yes, the paintings are likely to start out dark and horrible - that's FINE. That's grieving.

* Music. Especially if you're already a musician. Play whatever your emotions tell you to play. Minor keys, requiems, doesn't matter. Or sing, or dance.

* Draw. Sculpt. Any other art form. Heck, sculpt with plasticine or play-dough and squish the results back down when you're done.

Your therapist would probably like to see samples of this grieving art, but it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to show him/her.

[Midnight12]

I don't think I could paint or draw these memories. To me there were quite traumatic and ended up in me being in the hospital. And no it wasn't abuse but that I lost someone

[Midnight12]

scrapbooking would have worked if i wasn't out of glue and broke. dammit

[Whiskey]

lick the page and slap it on there. I think seshat meant draw how you feel, not the stuff that happened. Sad flowers, isolated kitten, whatever your creative sight tells you.

[Seshat]

Thank you Whiskey - yes, you're correct.

My aunt, when she was grieving because she was dying of cancer, was painting black and dark grey pages. Nothing else, at first - just covering the whole page with black.

[Midnight12]

eeew I don't want to taste old pictures and green pages thank you whiskey. and scrapbooking helps me deal with it. heh. painting consists of using up the entire newspaper to cover the floors and such because i throw it at the canvas

[Seshat]

So do it.

It's better than bottling it up, and better than crying until it hurts.

[Midnight12]

as true as this is I have no easel, or proper paper to do this on. yeah. but thats ok. this thursday i get to go get scrapbook glue. :-D

yeah i know excuses excuses. BUT I did listen to alot of music today so i am gooood.

[Seshat]

Butcher's paper on the floor. The paper they wrap stuff in at the deli. The point isn't to make pretty pictures, the point is to clear your mind of the grief.

But I'm glad the music helped you. :)

[Midnight12]

This weekend the craft store is having a sale. Its not that I don't want to its that I have to wait until payday to get stuff. Paint as well. I haven't painted in ages. Counseling appointment was today and it helped as much as I didn't want to talk about it I had to. Thursday is another session

[Der Cute]

Lexia,

You've said earlier in a PP that you don't want to let Old Demon out. Cuz you hate how it feels doing it, and you hate how you feel afterward, and you're flat out scared. OK.
But you know you're also making excuses to not heal yourself?

I know this because my friend C is a lifetime alcoholic. I love him, and tell him to better himself - just take care of himself with gen maintenance - dr checkup, eyes, general shit. He makes continuous excuses to not do this, the moan of "I don't have money" HE DOES. He's just not willing to spend it on himself. And I've done the same thing - I've made excuses to keep myself in my little apartment, away from society, away from humans, to not do anything fun "I dont have the money"

I finally realized I was depriving myself. And making excuses. But I now realize I had someone backing me up the whole time, and I wasted time...

So hey. You have DH, therapist, us to back you up. And I think with the wisdom and experience we've got here in this community, we're almost a PhD equal. :P

I journal shit. I know if it write it out my brain stops flinging it around. You might be different. But I'll suggest DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING IF YOU GET AN IMPORTANT THOUGHT and write it out. Those mental questions of "Why do I feel like this even if..." and "whoa, this doohickey reminds me of X situation..wtf" and other junk like that. Stuff like this pops up in really weird times, like when you're vacuuming, or when you're cooking, driving..stuff where your brain can drift a wee bit.
These are all signs of your subconscious saying "Get this shit outta here, I'm tired of Old Demon, he snores a lot and his farts stink to high heaven". And they will keep popping up like carbonation, until you get Old Demon out.

I will always remember the day I cried my ass off to grieve my life, and accept that I had epilepsy and couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted...and that I had a limitation and had to work around it.
I was 24, 25. I'd had it since I was 8. I'm stubborn, what can I say. But that night I slept like a baby, I felt lighter the next day, and didn't want to wear bracelets anymore on my right wrist. I keep my Medic Alert bracelet on that side. I'd been hiding it from myself for years.

And, I've achieved a lot since then. You have a roadblock in your head, Subconcious is saying Get Him Out, and you're fighting it. BTDT, got the Tshirt.

Big hugs, cry on a kitty, write thoughts out, and take it slow. It's not gonna be gone in a day.

[Midnight12]

I admit to that. Excuses, avoidance techniques. Its what I feel is this, that I loathe to cry lately. How crying makes me feel and that I want to avoid that. If thats an excuse fine, I'll own up to that. But yes, mostly afraid that after crying it will get worse as I tend to have the what i call spiral downwards of depression. Its difficult sometimes as it happens when hubby is asleep as he works night shift thus sleeps most of the day. Counseling is really helping. I got a load off today and feel better.

Yes I realize I'm stopping myself and sometimes I don't care that I am and that as bad as that is at this point in time I am aware of it. Going to spare the history yet I have come to realize that like my mother we have been so used to pain and grief that when something good comes along our mind goes hey wait a minute this isn't right let me screw it up. I am aware of that too and fight it like the plague when it comes.

what I was upset about was something I did about 5 years ago that was traumatic enough I buried it or blocked it and dealt with it. However apparently I didn't and it has come back. Dealing with it now.

The old demon....well how can I say this. The best way I can think of it is that we all have that little voice that can be called our intuition, conscience, or whatever you want to call it that says thats a bad idea or you know better, do the right thing etc.

I have that, but I also have the other negative voice that when I do listen its always hateful and negative and will make me feel like shit till the point I am literally not myself. My husband has said at one point my tone of voice changed, my mannerisms to a point I was NOT myself to try and get it to stop and that what I had said to him was very hurtful and without provocation. Not me at all.

Thats what I'm afraid of happening again. So yes I avoid to keep that when it makes it worse. Every thursday is group session and when i can get counseling time in. I have gotten better its just that I don't want that hurt anymore the all consuming pain. When I got ready to talk about it that same voice said you know this is going to really effing hurt. I said yeah but I have to deal with it, shut up


side note I make avatars to reflect how I am and that helps get things out. latest avatar is the whole lack of sleep zombie in pink weird pajamas

[Seshat]

Sounds like a very nasty case there.

I'm glad to hear that you're going to the craft store. Grab the paints & paper, and remember that you're painting emotion, not anything that gets judged or critiqued. :) Whatever you paint is *right*, for this purpose.

I also have a self-judging voice in my head. Over time - a lot of time - I've trained myself to ignore it, and it's become less powerful. It's not easy, but it is possible to do.

I understand the fear of spiralling down. Believe me, I DO! Depression is so easy to spiral down into, and so hard to climb out of. But right now, you're trying to climb out while carrying a backpack full of heavy burdens.

To get rid of each burden, you need to take it out and look at it. And yes, that hurts. And it's awkward. But how easily are you going to climb out of the depression while so heavily burdened?

The painting helps by taking away the generalised burdens. The nonspecific ones, the emotional ones. You literally paint them out of your head. Expressing them, making them an acknowledged thing.

Once you've acknowledged it, your psyche goes 'oh. That's what it is. Oh, I can handle that.' And you might have some nasty dreams for a couple of nights, or funny thoughts for a day or two, and it goes away.

By the sound of it, you have some severely heavy burdens in there as well. Those ones, I'd tackle with the assistance of a counsellor, and perhaps after you've painted (or whatever) some of the lighter and more generalised burdens away.

Severe burdens will tend to cause a lot more yuck than a few bad dreams. And yes, if they're bad enough, there can be a case for supportive medication while handling them, or even for handling them in a hospital. Those resources are there, and are available for you to use, if it gets that bad.

I do not believe that acknowledging and facing your burdens will have a permanent negative effect. Quite the opposite: the long term effect will be positive. It'll be easier to climb out of the depression.

However, facing burdens can cause short-term negative effects. A bout of crying while painting a lighter burden out. Bad dreams for a middling burden. Needing a counsellor's support for a heavy burden. Needing a full medical team for the sort of severe trauma that survivors of war, disaster, abuse, severe crimes, etc go through.

Even those with the severe trauma get better when they've acknowledged it. Maybe never quite the same as before the trauma happened, but better than they were in the period between the trauma and acknowledging it.


Edit to add: keep making those avatars. That's another good expressing-emotion tool. :)

[Der Cute]

I admit to that. Excuses, avoidance techniques. Its what I feel is this, that I loathe to cry lately. Hey, good job. :) You got some help, started it going. That's great.

Yes I realize I'm stopping myself *snip* I have come to realize that like my mother we have been so used to pain and grief that when something good comes along our mind goes hey wait a minute this isn't right let me screw it up. I am aware of that too and fight it like the plague when it comes. This sounds like low/medium self esteem. My friend C? The alcoholic? My DH and I joke that he's got a Kick Me Please sign on his back..he seems to attract trouble and days of "jesus not this shit again".... cuz he has low self esteem. I also have to tell myself: wait, I DO deserve that high five. I AM doing good here.

what I was upset about was something I did about 5 years ago that was traumatic enough I buried it or blocked it and dealt with it. I do that too. This is why I said the carbonation idea..the stuff IS trying to get back out of the box. Locks don't hold the old demons in.

have the other negative voice that when I do listen its always hateful and negative and will make me feel like shit till the point I am literally not myself. My husband has said at one point my tone of voice changed, my mannerisms to a point I was NOT myself to try and get it to stop and that what I had said to him was very hurtful and without provocation. Not me at all.
Thats what I'm afraid of happening again. So yes I avoid to keep that when it makes it worse. This sounds like low self esteem here too, but some anger overriding it. But it's all between you and the counselor.

I think you ARE making progress. You've outlined your issues, you are seeing a professional, you've voiced ideas and listened here, that's a huge ass chunk of fixing the demons! The next steps are finding the right ways to think about these things, how to deal with yourself...all part of the game. Many times I have thought: Hey, get a diagnosis, get a list of homework from professional, fixed! It's not like that...which sucks. I'm kinda impatient.

But, Lexia, you're also doing things that help you deal with the problem. So, I hope you feel warm inside soon. I think you're doing good, honestly.

[Midnight12]

and here we are at 5:50am because DD woke up...*points to avie* teething....yeah no tooth STILL

[Seshat]

I pulled out our fingerpaints and some paper, and took my own advice.

I painted a swirl, then turned it into a snake. With some grass and random flowery things.

[Midnight12]

ok. the emotions i can deal with, how do i get through the memories?

fair warning somewhat descriptive but nothing gorey just somewhat personal. If this is not ok to post please delete and apologies in advance. I just had to put this down either here or some place as my hand cannot write fast enough to keep up with it all

the most present one is i remember coming around from my c-section. almost everything. whatever the dream was it was lucid as very clear even though I don't recall it. I remember it being snapped away. First whoever was there was calling my name, first snap. Why is someone calling my name the second time, second snap brought me away from the dream, third time SNAP (snaps being coming up from the states of dream, never been that broken for me) and I know where I am, in bed warm someone just called me. I said yes
then BAM pain. "Am I ok" person answers yes
"is (child's name) ok?" person answers again yes...my mind goes. ok...curse curse curse I say "ow ow ow. please make the pain stop" and I remember the smell of the hospital, chemicals, anesthesia, the sterile smell which was calming and terrifying at the same time, that i KNEW if i opened my eyes it would hurt from the light.
Person says you have to open your eyes.
I put my arm over my face and slowly open before slowly pulling my arm away that first glint of light hurt like heck and i say ow again and turn my head as now my stomach hurts...like I will vomit. and my head throbs from the light
the rest i don't recall. somewhere i was aware but out of it as they wheel me to see lisa in the nursery and then to my room

the only other memory of coming around i recall is having to have a DNC don't ask me what that means please ask someone else as the word it is associated with still hurts to say but not as much. They wanted me to open my eyes and i said if i did it was going to hurt and i would throw up....and the smells were very similar to as described above.

[Mishi]

*hugs Lexi* I'm so sorry that you had such a traumatic caeserean, and even more sorry that you had to have a D and C. Those memories would be very hard to deal with and the only advice I can give is to let yourself grieve. *More hugs* Hope DD's tooth comes through soon.

[Seshat]

PM one of the ladies if you want to know what a D & C is. Mishi clearly knows, I know.

Lexia - I'm sorry you have those memories. Thank you for getting them out of your system.

[Midnight12]

the D and C (it was said in a way I thought it was DNC not "and" but ok) I know what it is I just associate it with that word. that was about five years ago now. the c-section will be almost a year gone by this november. there is still loss of feeling there but its ok.

the hard part is that when I remember that far back other memories want to come up and those are the ones I don't want to recall. how it all started. I tell myself I have Lisa now so its ok. Lisa is her nick name as she was named after one of hubby's aunts and his twin sister that did not make it. So for me its the whole thing of not only being there with not wanting to know what happened but being told I need an IV in both arms. The delivery was the scary part as I was on bed rest the last few months due to blood pressure and many other things. well now if I want another kid I have to be wary of this issue again because of where the placenta was.
one trauma thing at a time i suppose. today i kept busy so that I could avoid it mostly because I HAD to get certain things done and that there wasn't much time to stop and ponder

[Seshat]

One trauma at a time, yes.

Also, as you face the memories and process the emotions, the pain from the memories will gradually reduce. I'm not saying it will go away entirely, but it will become more bearable.

[Midnight12]

sadly alot of this is being, or has been triggered by Plaid's hip surgery. not his fault not my fault (saying it helps as there is no fault it just happens )
I just try to avoid certain topics as I can't always get that moment or two to deal with the memories or write it down

[Der Cute]

Well, why not make a 10 min spot at bedtime/just before bed. Go over the junk you've felt that day:
Was ok in am. Weird lunch, felt sad. Someone had said they got an operation but didn't specify. felt...hoping it wasn't X kind. Cheered up later, cuz I found some dragonflies. They're cool.

Stuff like that. get it out of your head. You'll gradually open up to the writing, as the book can't go yell from a treetop "hey look look at thiss" it can only accept what you put on it.

And find a counselor.

[Midnight12]

cutenoob. I have a journal, its finding time and energy to write as my mind races and my hand is slow as molases at times with writting so sometimes I type it up as its faster that way
have been seeing a counselor for months now and we are slowly covering each issue current issue being my past memories

taking a WRAP class hosted by NAMI. WRAP= Welless Recovery Action Program Nami being National Association for Mental Illnesses
basically learning on how to deal with my depression BESIDES counseling and medication, learning how to self manage using my own "tools" being aware of the triggers and how to manage those and etc. only in the third class so yeah...thats all I know so far as its every thursday

[Der Cute]

My point is to MAKE time for the journal.
Set aside a chunk per day, this is for your sanity. You can gradually teach yourself to be able to hold those weird squirrely thoughts until the Journal Hour.

Whether its typing or writing, it's ok either way. As long as you conciously put it on something else, the thoughts will diminish in your head.

Have you ever done an SFTB?

Situation
Feeling
Thought
Behavior

I'e posted these before, but:
Situation: Cat died today
Feeling (the straight emotion labels) sad dark happy peace anger disappointment
Thought: gdmf cat why did you go, happy you're gone and at peace why cant I have some peace I need you around dammit
Behavior: How you deal or did deal with that situation.. Cried like the dickens, yelled at wall, wished for kitty.

[Midnight12]

have not but will try that. naps it has been long day which began at 4am again from teething daughter.