How to deal with someone who is always late/slow

[MaggieTheCat]

This is part looking for advice but mostly just ranting/venting, since I don't think there is much advice to be given in this situation. But if anyone does have any suggestions, I'm all ears!

My husband has a co-worker, K. I've talked about (and complained about) K before, both here and on Fratching. He's part of our D&D group, and every single time we (or anyone else) gets together with him, for ANYTHING (going to dinner, or a movie, or getting together for D&D, anything), he is ALWAYS late. I've known him for several years now (ever since my husband and I started dating) and he has never once been on time to anything. I think the closest he's been is 15-20 minutes late, and he is frequently 40-60 minutes late for get-togethers and has been as late as two and a half hours.

It absolutely infuriates me, and my husband. We are very punctual people. We like to be on time. We don't get pissy with our other friends when they're up to half an hour late for D&D...there's traffic, or you get up late, or whatever. No big deal. Plus they usually don't make a habit of being late every single week. But when K is consistently, every single week, an hour or more late... it is really starting to grate on our nerves. It's even worse when we make plans to go out to dinner with him; we'll get to the restaurant at, say, 6, which is when we planned to meet. K will show up at 6:30...maybe. For that half hour, we wait, and we wait, and we wait, and we don't order, and we keep the wait staff waiting as well, and it makes me, personally, feel like an ass for holding up a table for half an hour.

When I invite him over to our house for dinner, I don't bother waiting for him; if everyone else has arrived and is hungry, we eat, and if K shows up 45 minutes later and the food is cold, well, he has to heat it up in the microwave if he wants it hot.

My husband is especially annoyed with him today, because K apparently took over an hour to eat lunch. My husband and K, and usually a fairly large group of people from where they work, will go out to lunch together a few times a week. Their work is really lenient about lunch hours and even when everyone comes in in the morning (they're all salaried so as long as they work at least 40 hours a week and get all their work done, the company doesn't really care how long they take for lunch or when they come in in the morning. The managers generally want everyone in by 9am at the latest, but K usually shows up around 10am or later; something I really wish his manager would buckle down on, since it might make him more punctual in general if he had to actually be in to work at a certain time.)

Anyway, so today they went to lunch and apparently K sl-ow-ly picked over his food for an hour before he decided he was finished. (including travel time to and from their company, they were gone an hour and 45 minutes.) Everyone else had long since finished and were waiting for him; my husband was pissed by the time they actually left, because the longer they take for lunch, the longer he has to stay past 5pm to get all of his work done that he could've been doing if they had gotten back sooner.

I asked my husband why he and his co-workers don't just leave K at the restaurant if he wants to take so long to eat (seriously, it's what I would do if I went to lunch with him as often as they did, and he always takes the longest to eat out of everyone.) They all car pool, so I suggested they tell K to bring his own vehicle since he always takes the longest. Husband said that he would be willing to tell K that, but the rest of his co-workers wouldn't go for it; he said they're "too nice." So instead, they all get to sit there for an extra half hour waiting for one person to pick at his food.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't even know if it's possible to do so. We have told K, repeatedly, in varying degrees of niceness, how annoyed and upset we get when he is constantly late to functions (we really lost it with him the one time he was two and a half hours late coming over to our place for lunch and D&D.) He just. does. not. get. it. One of the other guys in the D&D group says that he's known other people like this, who just cannot be on time to anything ever to save their lives. He says they're just..."wired" that way. No matter what you say or do (letting the food get cold if he's late coming over for dinner, starting D&D without him and him missing out on loot and experience for all the time he's gone, etc.) they will always be late. You can't change it.

I really want to kick him out of our D&D group, but I think we're all too nice for it (I would if everyone else in the group would get behind me, but the other guys are kind of like "well, whatever, he's not really hurting anything by being late"...which is kind of true, because even when he is there, he doesn't actually do anything. Seriously, he's one of the worst role players I have ever met...)

And he's so nonchalant about it too. "Oh, well, sorry I'm late, traffic was bad" is his normal excuse. When he's an hour late. And we meet at the same time, at the same place, every week. Seriously, you would think that if traffic is bad at noon every Sunday going the route you go to get somewhere, that you could learn to leave half an hour earlier to get there on time. But no. Not K. Still late every week. Still blaming it on traffic.

I swear he has the IQ of a rock.

[Whiskey]

Tell him everything is starting/happening an hour earlier than it is.

[telecom_goddess]

I don't understand people who are always late like that .....how hard is it to follow a damn clock?

I am generally early to everything.....I hate holding people up and I sure as hell respect my job enough to not be late to it!

[Sheldonrs]

This bugs me the most as well. It shows a lack of respect for the others in the group. I would cut him out completely. It's bringing down the rest of you and makes it tougher to enjoy the get togethers.

[Treasure]

Tell him everything is starting/happening an hour earlier than it is.

No, seriously it works.

I have a friend like this, well... maybe not quite this bad, but still - I'll be there around 7 really means, I'll be leaving my house 45 mins south of town at 7 and still have to fight traffic through town to get to your place by 9-930.... So when I had a Girls Night Out party for my birthday, I made sure his wife knew that I WAS NOT KIDDING about what time our reservations were...



Another friend used to be kinda like this.... we started calling it T-Time... she used to run about 30 mins late - so we'd tell her 1200-1230 if we wanted her there between 1230-100, it worked.... she has since mostly "grown" out of this, and now lets us know when she'll be late... but she just turned 40, so i guess responsibility has finally sunk into her head... :roll:

as far as lunch goes - if nobody else wants to tell K to take his car, maybe your husband can take his - and do the, "checks watch, oh, well i hate to do it guys, but i told the wife i'd be home early tonight, so i'm gonna head back to the office" thing after making sure to settle up his portion of the bill (if they don't split cks)

[AdminAssistant]

One of my friends is like this - drives me crazy! Always late...if she even shows up at all! So disrespectful.

[MaggieTheCat]

So disrespectful.

Yeah, this is what gets me. It's disrespectful...and selfish. K, and people like him who are always late, and basically saying, "I'm going to do things my way and on my clock and I don't care about anyone else's schedule."

I am really tempted to not invite K the next time I DM a game (there are three of us who take turns DMing D&D games.) My husband says he doesn't blame me and is all for it, but I am slightly concerned about how K will react to my husband at work. K is whiny and juvenile as it is (he whines when his character dies or when we don't do something he suggests in-game...usually because his suggestions are always "Let's burn it with fire" no matter what the situation is.) I am worried that K will somehow take it out on my husband if I start excluding him in our social functions. They do have to work closely together, and I wouldn't put it past K to be whiny and unhelpful at work, enough to make my husband annoyed and miserable but not enough to make the managers actually do anything about it.

[It's me]

They do have to work closely together, and I wouldn't put it past K to be whiny and unhelpful at work, enough to make my husband annoyed and miserable but not enough to make the managers actually do anything about it.

Bottom line: He is disrespectful of everyone else, and yet everyone is worried about offending him.

He whines and is unhelpful because it works for him. Everyone around him who tolerates it just doesn't enable that behaviour -- they reward it.

The choice comes down to who is running your life: you, or him. In my world I don't tolerate that crap. Look at it this way: every hour you spend waiting on him is an hour that you are closer to being dead. It's not like you get that hour back on the other end... once it's gone you aren't every going to get it back.

The reason everyone goes along with waiting is herd-mentality. Whoever takes the initiative is running the herd... and right now everyone is letting Mr. Pokey be in charge.

So when it is time to go to lunch -- go at that time. If an hour was allowed for eating -- go back to work at that time. If the other people want to walk, well, they can walk!

[TheMike]

We have a friend like this, always about 10-15 min late and when he had to pick up another of our gamer friends it jumped to 30-45 min. we got to the point of calling it GST - Gamer Standard Time... everything started late... we tried the food thing, and the false start time. one thing that worked, for a while, was just start playing without him and make him try to catch up to the action (including what has been done to HIS char) on his own (no free recaps)

as for the work issues, other than leaving him behind to finish at his own pace all by himself... call over a waitress and have his lunch "doggy-bagged" and drag him out.

seems rude but then so is being late, even more so making others late.

[BookstoreEscapee]

as for the work issues, other than leaving him behind to finish at his own pace all by himself... call over a waitress and have his lunch "doggy-bagged" and drag him out.

That's what I was thinking. When the server brings the check ask to have his plate bagged up whether he likes it or not.

If you're at a restaurant and he's more than 10 minutes late, order without him. Stop waiting on him and he'll either miss out or start showing up earlier. Don't apologize for it, either.

[Whiskey]

Husband said that he would be willing to tell K that, but the rest of his co-workers wouldn't go for it; he said they're "too nice." So instead, they all get to sit there for an extra half hour waiting for one person to pick at his food.

Heres one thing I learned very early. The driver makes the rules. If everyone is waiting on one person, who refuses to get a to go box, then that person is catching a cab/the bus back to work. If he starts fussing at work, tell your supervisor exactly why hes fussing. he continually makes staff late back from lunches by showing up late/taking an inordinate amount of time to eat and refusing to take it to go or to drive his own vehicle so you excluded him so he could get back to work in a reasonable amount of time to WORK.

If your husband has a boss with half a brain, he'll tell K to shut his pie hole. If your coworkers are "too nice" to say anything, can hubby just say "I'm gonna take my car from now on, you guys can carpool with K" ? Surely his exasperated coworkers would understand why and not be upset.

[zombiequeen]

I have some relatives like this. I just started gradually excluding them from events, or doing ones with hard start/end times such as movies. Either they show up and don't complain (if you complain at me you get the look of "I don't care, go die") or they don't. When the relatives continued to be a pain about things, and complaining about MY behavior to them, I excluded them from my life. I would answer their calls or emails, but not super-friendly. If they asked why they weren't invited to something (such as my wedding) I told them it was because they didn't respect me, so I figured they weren't interested in my life.

They shaped up really quick.
Hopefully this works for you, otherwise K is going to have to learn to grow up, quick.

[Solumina]

I will admit I'm bad about being late, I'm really bad at noticing one little thing that needs to be done before I leave and than another and another, all of which each only take a minute to do but that adds up and I am generally late by about 10-15 minutes. I am not this way for anything that I do on a regular basis because the crazy running around is built into my routine and I am not this way for anything that I have been planning for a while because I know how I am about last minute things and if I know well enough in advance I make sure that check all of those sorts of things the night before, that I get up early and check everything before I go to work, and that I once again check everything when I get home from work. I am just mostly late for stuff like getting called up to meet someone for dinner/drinks/whatever the day of.

Still I can't imagine being more than 15 minutes late without profusely apologizing and a good reason. Holding people up that you carpooled with is a major no-no, if you are at a meal and you are just taking longer than usual then it is okay to ask “do you mind if I finish this or would you rather I get a box?” but even so that would get you about a 15 minute grace period and can only be used every now and then.

[JLG]

I have a friend that is late to everything. One time I was driving her to a doctors appointment and she was over an hour late. She did not care that the doctor was waiting for her. She was pregnant and had diabetes and the doctor told her he waited for her because he was concerned about her health but if she did it again he would drop her as a patient. I got to her house a hour before the appointment and she was not ready just because she was being lazy all morning.

When we were kids her mom would pick her up from school a half hour late most of the time. Her mom is late to everything just because she gets ready late and my friend is the same way.

I would not include your friend in your activities anymore because it seems like he has an attitude that you all will wait for him and if not then you will accommodate him. Put all the food away when he finally arrives. Don't give him the chance to even warm it up. You shouldn't have to stress about this guy being late. When he sees that people won't put up with it he might realize how inconsiderate he is being.

[Kaylyn]

I second (third, fourth, whatever) what Whiskey said about giving him a false start time that's an hour earlier than intended. If that doesn't work for whatever reason, start the game ON TIME. And make sure his character is tagging along in the background, and have horrible, HORRIBLE things happen to him. Oh, no, don't kill him off...but use the most twisted and evil parts of your brain to push his buttons. I'd do it. But I'm evil like that. :devil:

And if you're DM'ing that week, your rules. Just don't invite him. If he's gonna be that much of a baby about it, sweetly remind him that he's still invited to two other campaigns not run by you. I really like what was said earlier in this thread about not letting him run your life because you're worried about his reaction, because he's obviously not caring about other people himself. He may pitch a fit for a while, but I guarantee he'll find something else to whine about and forget about it within a few weeks.

[taxguykarl]

Tell him everything is starting/happening an hour earlier than it is.
My dad and his fishing buddies shamed an ever-late arriving member in this interesting way:
They held a pool when he would actually arrive. On the occasion when he finally got the hint there was about half of the group trying to shoo him away (the liked that would-be winner) and the other half all but carrying him to the meeting place.:roll:

[emax4]

Not only would I suggest saying things are an hour later when they're really not, but don't include him in the game as it will be a throwback to everyone. If he insists, that means the DM will have to basically do a separate game with him trying to catch up with everyone while the rest of the party is farther ahead. What's that? The party just narrowly escaped an avalanche or a rockslide? The person lagging behind has to dig or climb his way through those same obstacles.

What you could also do is this: Tell the guy when your friends are meeting and have your real group meet at the place where you play games. Before he shows up, simply go somewhere else and don't tell him. When he calls & asks why you aren't there, tell him you decided to do something else instead, and that if he had shown up on time that he could join you, but now you're all splitting up & doing your own thing. Eventually he should get the point.

[MaggieTheCat]

Okay, well, our gaming group is getting together this weekend (we're already in the middle of two other campaigns that the other DMs are running so I won't be DMing for a while, so K is still invited.) I told the group 11:30am, then sent another email to everyone except K saying that I only said 11:30 in the hopes that K might show up earlier, and that we're actually planning for noon. I don't know if it will work -- we've tried this tactic before with no success. The one time he showed up 2 and a half hours late? That was because we told everyone we wanted to game early (11am) and K still didn't show up until 1:30, which is his usual time (yet whenever we set the start time for 1 or 1:30, he's even later.)

[Andara Bledin]

Here's some insight from someone who is the chronically tardy person you are all bitching about.

For me, it's a psychological thing. I can be on time. I can even be early. But it takes a lot of me essentially psyching myself up into doing it and I have to get started way early to get to that point. Once I'm late, however, it's like there's no more pressure about being on time, and I have no problems just heading right out the door. I'm fortunate that I work for a person who is willing to work with me on my being chronically late as long as it doesn't get excessive and my work doesn't suffer. Also, if I'm going to be more late than usual to something, I will call ahead to let people know.

My father, on the other hand, is just a jerk. He was late to my wedding. He was told to be there an hour early. My cousin picked him up and was there in time to leave to get there an hour early. My father still took over two hours before he even started getting ready. He was nearly two hours late to my wedding. In his case, it's pure selfishness. He doesn't care that whatever he's getting to will start without him, he has no interest in getting there until he's good and ready to get there. He's been like this for longer than I've been alive. My mother would go to things without him regularly because she had no patience to wait for him to be ready and she wasn't going to be late to things like our recitals.

^-.-^

[Mytical]

I wish I could be late sometimes. Mind won't allow it, to the point of anxiety if I even think I will be a little bit late to something. I live 7 minutes from work, 45 minutes before I have to be there, I leave for work. Appointment at 2pm, and it is an hour drive? I have left by noon.

As for dealing with perpetual lateness, sometimes nothing you try will work. Then you just have to flat out tell them. "You are late again, that's it, don't bother showing up ever again." If it happens and they show up again. "Sorry, you have to leave now."

Some people are not able to process subtle.

[Jester]

Some suggestions:

For his tardiness, always lie to him about when something is. Seriously. Lie. Bald-faced 100% deception. You plan something for 6, tell him it's at 5. Hell, tell him 4:30. I have friends like this, and I just have gotten into the habit of flat-out lying to them about the time. And depending on the friend, I'll either be honest with them about it later ("Sure I told you the wrong time, since I knew you'd be late!") or I continue to lie ("I could have sworn I told you 6. Oh well, no worries!"). It works.

For his slowness, there are a couple possibilities. Since he is slowing everyone else down, he should be made to bring his own vehicle, or be forced to pack up his meal when everyone else is done. "Dude, we've got to get back to the office. Pack that shit up. Or else walk back."

Stop being nice, and just lay down The Law to this guy. I am The World's Slowest Eater, but I'll be damned if I'll allow myself to make others late because of my snail's pace. I either pack it up or make my own way.

[MaggieTheCat]

I keep meaning to update this thread about our recent results.

I have started telling K earlier times than what we're actually planning. The last time we all played D&D, I told everyone 11:30am, then I told everyone except K that I really meant noon and only said 11:30 in the hopes that K might actually show up at a reasonable time. He did, in fact, show up at about 12:20, which is remarkable for him.

So we tried it again the following week when we had everyone over to our house for dinner. I said 6:30, with the plans of actually serving dinner between 7 and 7:15. K showed up at 8.

So, it's still hit it or miss. I'll probably continue telling him earlier times than what we plan, but I won't hope for the "only 20 minutes late" trick he pulled the first time.

The rest of us DID agree that we're going to start our D&D sessions as soon as the DM and three players are together (there's four players total, including K, who is always, always the last person to show up.) So if everyone except K is ready at 12:15 and K shows up at 1...he misses out on the first 45 minutes of the game. He never does anything anyway except play with his god damned phone, so it's not like we're even missing a PC. I have also decided that the next time I start a game that I'm going to DM, K's email address is going to be mysteriously removed from the invite emails I send.

[Jester]

I have dealt with people like this, and while it is hit or miss, I generally suggest using an hour as your lie. Dinner's at 8? Invite K for 7. D&D at 4? Tell K 3. It's not perfect, but it's better than what you're dealing with now.

And if he shows up slightly early, say 7:45 for 8:00 dinner when you told him 7? "Oh, Buffy and Biff are running a bit late. They called to say they'll be here shortly, though."

Lie, lie, lie. Either that, or dump the motherfucker from your social circle. Some friends are worth putting up with their tardiness. From your descriptions of K, he is not one of those people.

[shadowpanda]

I agree with the idea of telling 'K' things are an hour earlier than they actually are.

My ex used to do this all the time and we would end up missing the showings of films etc. We used to argue about his time keeping all the flippin' time and eventually I started working on 'his' time and altered things by an hour.

It does work, but I felt disrespected every time he did it, as if my time, company and activities were worth less than his.