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Jester
01-28-2016, 01:40 AM
So my year has gotten off to a craptastic start. This month has sucked for a variety of reasons, including some stuff on the home front, and some stuff on the work front, but mostly because of stuff on the romantic front. (NOTE: This is gonna be long, drawn out, and have a lot of personal shit in it. If that's not your personal cup of tea, please, move on to the next thread. Thanks.)

Some of you may remember Diane from here (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=113316) and here (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=112062).

Diane, my new girlfriend. The Girl I'd Been Looking For. And I'd finally found her.

Well, at the start of the year, Diane broke it off with me. Broke up, dumped me, made me single, decided that, in her opinion, we were not compatible.

She was just as excited about everything as I was early on, but at some time in November or so, things seemed to get strained. Some of the quarreling while I was in California in December, which I thought we could just work through as we adjusted to our differences, were apparently not as minor to her as they were to me. And apparently the distance was too much for her. I was willing to work through it, and was looking forward to the occasional weekend of jetting up from Phoenix (once I've relocated there this spring/summer--no, really!) to NoCal to see her, and the occasional visit of hers to AZ. I was honestly looking towards the future, with her as a major part of it, and we'd figure out the AZ/CA thing. It was gonna work.

Damn, I can be such a romantic and an optimist, huh? The woman I'd described in multiple occasions as The Best Girlfriend Ever, the woman who had caused me for the first time in a dozen years to have days where my ex-fiancÚ did not cross my mind even once, the woman who made the future seem stable and less scary....suddenly this woman did not want that future, and did not want me.

She'd started a new and demanding job, and while we have a lot of similarities, we do have quite a bit of differences. And one thing I had noticed about her is something I've noticed about other people over the years, though it didn't click immediately. You know how the people who are the most jealous and the most concerned and accusatory that their partner is cheating on them are usually the ones doing the cheating? Well, while that is not something that affected our relationship, she often accused me of criticizing her and of insisting that I'm always right. While I am naturally a bit argumentative and enjoy some good verbal sparring, a lot of these instances were where no one else would have considered what I said to be a criticism of them. I often had no idea where she got this stuff. But as time went on, I realized that what she was convinced I was doing was exactly what she was doing. To the point where I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her for fear of her taking something I'd said the wrong way. Which is not how I am or how I like to be; I like to speak freely. And while I do occasionally say stupid shit, and sometimes will argue a point too far, she believed I was doing this stuff far more than I was actually doing it. And she had to be right, even though she insisted that that was something I was doing. To the point where a few weeks ago she actually said, "I'm right, and you're just gonna have to accept that." About something inconsequential. Heck, a few months ago, she told me how my friend Little Red would feel about something, and when I said Red certainly would not feel that way, she insisted she knew better because she and Red were both women, despite the fact that Red is my best friend down here, I've known her over ten years, and Diane has only talked to Red a couple times via Facebook.

So, after coming to the personal conclusion early last year that I'd probably not find anyone to share my life with, I'd actually found someone....and then, after a mere five months, she broke it off.

I was, to be sure, devastated. And depressed. Deeply depressed. It was quickly evident at work, at least to my coworkers. I still put a brave face on for customers, but some of my regulars knew something was up, especially if they asked me about my lady friend. I'm honest to a fault sometimes, and if my regulars asked, I'd tell them that she had dumped me. I didn't elaborate, and I'm sure they didn't want to hear my whole sob story, but my coworkers and regulars could see I was shattered. And I couldn't help examining things, and coming to the conclusion that the only common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me. That clearly there was something about me that is the problem. Some of the things she said I did weren't incorrect, and I'm aware of my personality flaws, but I don't think I'm that bad a guy....but the evidence of my romantic history seems to refute this.

Add to that some crap that went on on the residential front for me (don't ask), some crap I could have really used the emotional support and love of this woman, and I was a shell of my former self. Listless. Depressed. Bummed. Didn't want to go home after work, but didn't want to go out, either. I actually have trouble remembering what I did before I met Diane, when I was still single, because while the romance wasn't necessarily there, I was basically happy with my life and having fun. But all I can think is that I'd have some beers after work, maybe stay out for more, maybe go home and watch TV and do some Facebook and be boring, but generally I was happy.

A lot of the above is in the past tense, but I am still somewhat depressed, have not redound my earlier happiness, and while not as listless and mopey as I was, still by down. Diane is still coming to Key West in February (next Wednesday, to be specific), but that's partly or mostly because her friends (the ones from out of town that set us up in August) are also coming. And rather than have free lodging and stay with me, she booked a room in a hotel. And hotels are not cheap here. Which says a lot, I suppose. Also, she's not staying as long, leaving on Super Bowl Sunday, which is her birthday, which was supposed to see us go kayaking during the day and do a bar's private Super Bowl party at night.

Today she texted me that she's looking forward to seeing me next week, and I was pleasantly surprised. But I'm trying to force myself to not fall in the trap of reading too much into that. Would I start things again with her? Absolutely. Though we'd have to have a long discussion about some things. But I doubt that discussion will be necessary, because I don't think she has any intentions of starting things anew. Perhaps some fun bedroom romping (which I am not opposed to if she so desires), perhaps not, but she seems very detached and very cold and very uninterested in me these days, and I don't think it's just the demands of the new job.

So there it is. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy is convinced he's found the Right One. Girl, however, becomes Gone Girl. Sadly, Boy can't even get a good drunk on as he has in past such situations. And so it goes.

One thing this has done is galvanize me even more to get my ass back to Phoenix. I'm determined to get my money together and, come this May or June, go home to Arizona. So many reasons. My parents are getting older. I miss the desert terribly. I worry about my stepsister. I could finally afford to have my own place. And, dare I say it, dating would have a bit more potential for me, since the women I'd be meeting would be far less likely to Live Somewhere Else. In this note, some people have asked if I really think dating will be that much better in Phoenix. I can't say for certain that it will, but you can't ignore the vast differences in pool sizes: Key West has 25,000 people, the Phoenix area has 2 million plus. Hell, Tempe alone has 140,000. So while there are no guarantees, the populations and the difference in transience seem to offer better odds.

Well, that's my tale of woe. Fuck January. I just hope I can regain my old mindset and return to the Jester of Old. Because right now, this shit sucks.

Kheldarson
01-28-2016, 01:56 AM
I'm sorry, Jester. That really sucks.

Honestly, I'd suggest not seeing her next week when she's in. At least, not as long as you're hung up over her. It's liable to hurt you more.

Jester
01-28-2016, 02:20 AM
That's a chance I'm willing to take. Because, to be honest, I can't get hurt more than I already am. And perhaps it will be good. And perhaps something will transpire. And perhaps we'll just have more fantastic sex.

Regardless, I am never one to shy away from something because I might get hurt. Because it's worth taking that chance. Always.

MoonCat
01-28-2016, 04:00 AM
I'm really sorry, Jester. I was so happy for you. Sometimes life just sucks, you know?

But this: To the point where I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her for fear of her taking something I'd said the wrong way

I know people like that. I am related to people like that. And we (my sisters and I) lost friends because they turned out to be like that. It's a huge bad thing, in my opinion anyway.

But I still feel bad for you. I hope you get things worked out one way or the other when she visits, at least you'll know for sure where you stand.

Ghel
01-28-2016, 08:34 PM
I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go the way that you wanted them to. That really sucks.

Victory Sabre
01-28-2016, 09:02 PM
Yes, I'd say that a larger metro area will have many more opportunities for dating. Believe me, I know. I only live an hour away from the Twin Cities metro, and I might as well be in Mongolia, because women there have no desire to even give it a chance. The pool in my area has been tapped out pretty much completely. The local women on the dating sites are the same ones every time I log in, and those I have no interest in for various reasons.

As you know, I was really rooting for you, and hoping you finally found Mrs. Right. It gave me hope, and I was happy to see you so happy.

XCashier
01-29-2016, 01:03 AM
I'm sorry things didn't work out. :hug:

Good luck in your move to Phoenix and your future.

Jester
01-29-2016, 04:06 AM
I want to make two things very clear here.

I know people like that. I am related to people like that. And we (my sisters and I) lost friends because they turned out to be like that. It's a huge bad thing, in my opinion anyway.

She is not always like this, and while it was irritating, her attributes far outweigh her flaws. I say this not as someone who loves her, but as someone who can recognize what people are and aren't, even if I am a bit blinded to certain things regarding them. Not one of my friends who met her or had online dealings with her had anything bad to say about her, nor should they. Nor should you. She has her flaws, certainly, and there are a few of them, but overall she is a good person with a good heart. And we among us are not flawed in some way? I certainly am.

But I still feel bad for you.

Don't feel bad for me. Feel bad for the people in Flint, Michigan, poisoned by the people elected to serve them. Feel bad for the victims of violence. Feel bad for those who have lost their homes to an earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, or tornado. Feel bad for those who hungry or homeless. Feel bad for those who don't enjoy have the luxuries and benefits and advantages you and I enjoy on a daily basis.

But don't feel bad for this middle-aged freewheeling bartender who lives on a tropical island paradise and makes a hobby out of drinking overpriced beer, just because he had his heart broken yet again. I'll survive, and come back stronger, as I always do. While I appreciate the thoughts--and I really do--when it comes down to it, I shouldn't even be on your long list of people to feel bad for.

Again, I appreciate the thoughts and the kind words, but if you want to make someone's life better, do something to make someone's life better, someone who is suffering more than me. The list of potential candidates is long, but I don't doubt that there are people in need, be it of a financial nature, food nature, housing nature, or mental or emotional nature, somewhere in your vicinity that are far more need of something, anything, you could do for them than anything you could do for me. You wanna help me? Reach out to a friend, a family member, or a complete stranger, someone who needs more than I do, and help them.

Nothing could make me happier than that thought.

Jester
01-29-2016, 04:35 AM
The above post is not to say that I won't continue venting about my current situation here, of course. I just needed to make sure my priorities were clear.

To add to it, she threw me a curveball today.

As I may have said in the original post, the original plan was for her to fly in on Tuesday, for me to pick her up at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, for us to spend a night in a hotel there, for us to drive down the Keys on Wednesday, and for her to spend a week at my place, with me working minimal shifts at work, and then for me to drive her back to the mainland so she could catch her flight back to California, probably another hotel night in Lauderdale. (For those who are wondering, the difference in air fare between flying into Key West vs. flying into Miami or Fort Lauderdale is often staggering, and is such that I myself usually fly out of Lauderdale, because driving up there and parking is worth saving that huge difference.)

When Diane broke it off with me at the beginning of the month, she made it clear that she would not need the ride down as she'd be riding with our mutual friends who are also flying in and driving down, that she would be staying at a hotel here in KW rather than at my place, that she had changed her flight to leave on Sunday rather than next Wednesday as originally planned, and that I really shouldn't take any time off from work. So with a heavy heart, I canceled my time off request at work.

Here comes the wicked curve: today she texted me and asked if I'd like to come up to Lauderdale Tuesday night and stay at the hotel with her.

Many would probably advise me not to do that. And it is a very logical, grounded bit of advice. One I am ignoring. I texted my manager, knowing she may have already started on the schedule (she usually does them on Thursdays) and asked her if it was too late to get Tuesday off. It wasn't. So I'm taking the day off, driving up there, picking her up at the airport, and spending Tuesday night and Wednesday with her. And Diane even said not to bother, as her flight doesn't get in till late afternoon, but if I work and then drive up there, at best I'd get there at 10pm, and after working and driving all day, I'd be pretty tired.

Some might speculate that she is using me for a ride down. A couple of my friends suggested that exact scenario. There are two problems with that idea. The first is that that is not her nature. Even when she broke up with me, I still offered her free lodging at my place, with no strings. She refused, preferring to spend money at a not-cheap Key West hotel, because staying with me under the circumstances would "not be right." Her words. The second problem is one I already mentioned: she already has a ride down with her friends if she wants it.

So, between her text yesterday of looking forward to seeing me and today's invite, one could draw a few inferences. Assuming she is not using me for a ride (see above), it may be as simple as her wanting sex. It may be as much as her rethinking the breakup. Or perhaps something in between. Either way, she does seem enthusiastic about seeing me.

More than one friend has asked me if I really want to put myself through this again. The answer is an unequivocal yes. The risk of pain is worth the potential reward. And if there is sex....well, with her, it is spectacular. I've had some pretty awesome she's with some pretty amazing partners. She tops them all. And if more might be had, I'd be an idiot in my own eyes if I did not take the chance. I'm not assuming anything, of course, but I believe in the phrase "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst."

So, do I really want to be a human yo-yo for her? Well, no, but if there is a chance, however small, of renewing this relationship, then call me Duncan and take me around the world. Because I'd rather be yo-yo'd by this girl than try to find someone better.

Feel free to put your two cents in. Whether you agree or disagree with any of what I've said here, I value all of your input and advice; even if it seems like I am blatantly ignoring it, I do read it, and I do think about it. All of it.

And I thank you for any of it.

Victory Sabre
01-29-2016, 05:26 PM
All I can say is don't get your hopes up too much. Be mentally prepared for anything that may happen.

Good luck, and I'm hoping for the best, whatever that may be.

April
01-29-2016, 07:28 PM
As someone who went through complete and utter hell to rescue a relationship, I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling. I understand the feeling of wanting to see it through, to the very bitter end. To want to be near a person, to have sex with the person, even if it's nothing more than accepting crumbs where before you had a full plate. I also understand everyone telling you not to do it, and ignoring all the advice.

In my case, which is different from yours (My husband had an affair) it worked out, and we are strong together and this year will celebrate our 16 year anniversary. But it was HARD, probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

So my advice? Follow whatever you think is best. I have no advice better than that. People won't understand and that's fine. After everything, it may not work. And that's fine too. At the end of the day, you can say that you tried. And that's enough

Kogarashi
01-29-2016, 07:51 PM
What April said. Or you yourself even said. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and you should be pretty good. There's a decent chance she's rethinking the break-up and would like to work things out. There's also a decent chance she's just in it for a ride and/or sex, or just to maintain a friendship (which itself is not a bad thing, is it?). Do what you think best, and I wish the best for you.

My husband and I have our differences. We're complete opposites in several regards, and it's occasionally led to arguments. We've learned to work through them, and like April said, I feel we're stronger for it.

Nunavut Pants
01-29-2016, 09:04 PM
Don't feel bad for me.

Feeling bad for you does not preclude feeling bad for others. Others are certainly suffering worse than you are, but that doesn't make your pain any less real. It's not a contest, nor a zero-sum game. We feel bad for you because we know you (to at least some extent!) and feel your pain through your excellent writing.

Most or all of us hope that you start feeling better soon, for any reason or no reason at all.


... if you want to make someone's life better, do something to make someone's life better, someone who is suffering more than me.

That is an awesome sentiment! And I only respect you more for it.

Jester
01-30-2016, 12:26 AM
All I can say is don't get your hopes up too much. Be mentally prepared for anything that may happen.

The benefit of having no expectations is that whatever happens, I'll be somewhat ready for it, short of her taking her head off and revealing herself to be an alien from another planet. Or a Teletubby, which would probably be worse.

As someone who went through complete and utter hell to rescue a relationship, I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling. I understand the feeling of wanting to see it through, to the very bitter end. To want to be near a person, to have sex with the person, even if it's nothing more than accepting crumbs where before you had a full plate. I also understand everyone telling you not to do it, and ignoring all the advice.

So my advice? Follow whatever you think is best. I have no advice better than that. People won't understand and that's fine. After everything, it may not work. And that's fine too. At the end of the day, you can say that you tried. And that's enough

It's not so much wanting to see it through to the bitter end, though there is that, of course. And it's not about accepting crumbs, because there are just certain things I won't do or subject myself to. (Though if it is sex she's after, I won't complain about that.) It's about seeing where this is going, if anywhere. I'd rather take a chance and crash and burn than not take a chance and wonder later what might have been if I had. I'm ready for the worst, so I'm good mentally. And while I'd enjoy her company, of course, I'm not willing to compromise myself or my integrity for, as you call them, crumbs.

And for the record, not everyone is telling me not to do it. I've gotten a couple raised eyebrows, but the majority consensus seems to be, "Hey, if nothing else, go get you some."

But as you say, I'll try. And let the chips fall where they may.

MoonCat
01-30-2016, 01:55 AM
I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I thought she was a bad person, Jester. That wasn't my intent.

And when my friends (even those I haven't actually met in person) are going through a rough spot, I feel bad for them. You'll just have to get used to it.

Doesn't mean I don't feel bad for the people in Flint, or elsewhere!

Jester
01-30-2016, 03:27 AM
Moon Cat, I know all that. And I'm sorry if it seemed like I was lashing out at you. Perhaps I was, but you were not to blame, nor did you deserve that.

The whole feeling bad thing was just that I don't want people to feel bad for me. It's a natural thing, I think. And perhaps a backlash against how badly I've felt for myself, how down I've been, etc.

As for the other part, I didn't necessarily think you thought she was a bad person. I've seen discussions like this before, in person and online, and even in here, and a lot of those devolve into the ex being painted in the worst light, because of some flaws he or she may have. Butt who amongst us doesn't have flaws? Certainly I'm not free of them. Some of my best friends will go on at length about some of my flaws, if you give them have a chance, a bit of time to talk, and even more time to catch their breath. :lol:

If I come off as defensive in here, it's because I am. I'm hurting, and this whole thing with my girl and other things that have been going on in my life have really fucked with me and my normally positive outlook. (Or if you'd have autocorrect's word on the matter, it's really ducked with me.) So I do apologize if I seem a bit....pricklier than normal. I think the world of you people, and you need to know that. That is why I come here to open up some times about such things.

Moving along....

Diane continues to confound me. She has texted me that she is very excited about this and how much fun it's gonna be. Which is the same attitude she had before Orlando and California....and definitely a different tone than she had after California. So, who knows what's gonna happen?

Some of my friends (not mufti ends, damn it, autocorrect!) think I'm nuts for taking a chance on getting my heart trampled again, but as the man said, I'd rather regret something I have done than regret something I haven't done.

Tuesday is gonna come quicker than it seems. Oh boy.....

Mikkel
01-30-2016, 05:02 PM
Crossing my fingers for you.

strawbabies
02-07-2016, 08:13 PM
So, how did it go?