View Full Version : But, isn't that illegal?

03-10-2019, 04:42 AM
I get a call at twenty minutes after nine one Saturday night.

It's Eddie!

Eddie has a concern.

Seems some...miscreant has smoked several cigarettes in our men's room, making rather a mess n the process.

Eddie wants to know what I, his Benevolent Overlord, want him to do about the situation.

"Well, Eddie, I'd like you to clean up the mess, and maybe spray some air freshener around." (Rule #4--Clean what's dirty.

"Oh.". Eddie gets this...tone. He's confused about something.

"What is it?"

"Oh, isn't smoking inside illegal?"

"Yes it is, Eddie, and now you have a mess. Clean it up."

Cue several minutes of Eddie trying to get me to understand that something... illegal...has happened. And trying to draw out the authorized procedures for dealing with this situation.

Eddie has never in all his days ever allowed anything to be easy. Ever. Give him a three step procedure, and he's going to have detailed questions about steps 12 and M.

You may know Eddie.

I convinced Eddie to clean the fricking mess up and spray some fricking air freshener around. Twenty minutes of my life (I'm not a Young Man any more, I can't spare those!), gone.

Half an hour prior to working up the guts to call me, Eddie called Vera, my Second in Command.

She had, almost word for word, the same conversation.

And half an hour prior to calling Vera, he called Annie, and before her Sonia, and before Sonia, Gail.

Eddie's not the only one of my Loyal Minions who does this kind of thing, but he is the master of it.

If anybody knows a cure for this, I'm all ears.

03-10-2019, 05:35 AM
Firing? Small electric shock to reboot any brain cells he might have? Managers change phone numbers and don't give him the new ones?

03-10-2019, 06:40 AM
Man, I got nothing. I'd say you should post a memo detailing what to do in cases like this (Step 1: Do not call TonyDonuts. Step 2: Deal with the mess yourself...etc.) but I'd bet Eddie won't read it, won't understand it, and in any event will still want to argue about it.

03-10-2019, 09:19 AM
Put Eddie out of your misery. If he's that bad, there's got to be someone better available to fill his slot.

03-10-2019, 10:17 AM
Ask him wheter his testicles or one of his nipples are going to be the positive or negative, And in the case of nipples, Wich one :P

03-10-2019, 02:01 PM
"Yes, it's illegal, but if you call the cops they're just going to be angry about your wasting their time. They aren't going to run forensics on the crime scene. Just clean it up."

03-10-2019, 02:19 PM
Eddie sounds like one of evilhomer's coworkers.

03-10-2019, 04:13 PM
Put Eddie out of your misery. If he's that bad, there's got to be someone better available to fill his slot.Sounds like the crud on your shoe soles would qualify there.:rolleyes:
How was Eddie hired in the first place, Tony?

03-10-2019, 04:41 PM
Urg. Eddies are the worst. I asked a CW to stop pushing something the way he was, to just leave it alone, and he literally tracked down two different people to ask why. Because it's in the way when you push it there. If you'd care to observe the way our facility works, you'd see that. Nobody else needed to be told not to push something in the way of other people, only you.

I don't think there is a cure other than going back in time and maybe raising that person different? Um, maybe years of therapy?

03-10-2019, 05:57 PM
... Um, maybe years of therapy?
Taxidermal Therapy (https://youtu.be/aTQGaFYAjkA) works.

03-10-2019, 07:46 PM
Eddie shows up on time.

Eddie...works when he's at work. If you need one hundred 50-pound bags of whatever from one place to another, Eddie's your guy.

These two facts make him worth his weight in gold-pressed latinum.

However...any situation that he has never encountered before brings him to a screeching halt. You will need to spoon-feed him what you need him to do, as he does it. He cannot picture things in his mind. He has to see it and he has to be able to put his hands on it.

Instructions given ahead of time are almost useless.

There's a lot of Eddies out there. Our Eddie is just Eddier than most.

03-10-2019, 09:17 PM
Okay, sounds as if he's not a total dud.

But this calling of half-a-dozen people should stop.

Eddie: "Blah blah what should I dooooo??"

Authority Figure: "Didn't you already call X?"

Eddie: "Yes"

AF: "And what did they tell you?"

Eddie: "To do ABC."

AF: "Then why aren't you doing it?"

Eddie: "But I wanted to check ..."

AF: "Yes, but you've already checked. AND you got an answer. So just go do it."


Everybody up the chain of command can memorize this ... eventually, hopefully, Eddie will (at worst) call ONE person and then just do what he's told by that ONE person, rather than trying to verify it by everybody else, their dogs, and their distant cousins.

Jay 2K Winger
03-12-2019, 09:24 PM
Wait, that's illegal! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4tby3znOy8)

03-13-2019, 01:43 AM
Did I mention Jimmy?


Jimmy was Eddie's co-pilot that evening.

So...each call was preceded by about 10-15 minutes of serious discussion.

The actual smoking of the cigrarettes happened about 6:00pm, or thereabouts.

The video is... fascinating. Lots of hand-wringing and -waving, mixed with increasingly frenzied efforts to get actual work done (Uncle Tony's preference for DONE being a matter of record.)

And yes, a lot of my interactions with people end with one two phrases:

1. Because I'm the Boss, and I damn well said so.

2. Because I'm bigger than you, and I damn well said so.

Depending on my mood.

03-13-2019, 04:51 AM
He may have a spark of Clever in there, actually. If I read this thread correctly, he:

1 - Found the evidence of heinous criminal activity
2 - Had discussion and called Gail, got instructions
3 - Waited half an hour, including another discussion
4 - Called Sonia.
5 - Waited half an hour...
6 - Called Annie.
7 - Waited half an hour...
8 - Called Vera.
9 - Waited half an hour...
10 - Called you.

Sounds to me like he earned himself a couple of extra hours' pay for just standing there like a log. o_O

Ironclad Alibi
03-13-2019, 03:51 PM
Sounds to me like he earned himself a couple of extra hours' pay for just standing there like a log. o_O

Looks like he needs his own theme song. Here it is. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-9scNP5KWk)