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View Full Version : Infinitely Gritting My Teeth (Long-ish)


Pezzle
08-11-2007, 06:58 AM
WARNING: This has just a dash of strong language and may sound whiney!

So, I have been doing a lot of psychoanalyzing of myself for the past few days. There comes a point in every situation where we must re-assess whether or not it is good for us and really worth our time. Today that situation is obviously my job. If you have been keeping up with General Work Chat, you will see a thread where I explain I will soon be getting a job with Bartlett Nuclear. However, it seems that day will not come soon enough.

Why the psychoanalysis you ask?

My relationship is suffering, most of all. I am unhappy at work, I am stressed and angry after work, and above all, I think about it and dread it all the time. I am taking frustrations that are really there for my manager out on my boyfriend, who I love so dearly. :cry: He avoids me now because of the stress, and the more he avoids me the worse I feel about everything... a rather nasty cycle.

Last night, as I was knee deep in Grey Goose vodka and Jägermeister, surrounded by Navy boys out on Fleet Week, and talking with my favorite waitress... I couldn't help but focus on work. Above all, I was just dreading having to go in on Saturday at 9:30 like I always do. I questioned again whether the manager's watch would be 4 minutes faster than mine again, and as such be yelled at for being late. I questioned whether or not all four new hires I had under my wing had finished the work for the day, and whether or not I was going to be harassed and yelled at the next day for their mistakes.

It's a very harsh pressure to be under. I dread every day I work (every other day except for weekends, which are two days in a row and something similar to chewing on razorblades). Before you call me a wuss, you all know as well as I do that retail is a bad gig to have sometimes. But to me it's become a depressing poison. I cannot sleep because I worry about it, I wake up tired the next morning for my job. When I hear the phrase "The Customer Is Always Right!" my blood pressure instantly skyrockets. My head an jaw jurts becuase my brow is always furrowed and I am always...ALWAYS gritting my teeth together subconsciously. It's gotten to the point where I cannot deal with it as fast as it comes in.


And that's not even counting the management...

Every day I work I am berated for something. I've had this one manager throw something at me once, he's told me I don't matter as a human being only a worker (A very long story involving Open Door Policy), and he also has a horrid temper. He throws tantrums like he's two years old, stomping his feet and growling, throwing clipboards. I suppose he is quite lucky I have not yet called thte Department of Labor, but becuase I didn't document dates, times, and possible witnesses it'd be an exercise in absolute futility. Perhaps the worst thing was when he yelled at me for being there at 9:34, scheduled at 9:30, doors open at 10. Sure it was legitimate, but he referred to me as having low intelligence becuase I couldn't 'read the schedule like an educated human being'. The new store manager kills everyone else with the way he requests things, in fact just about everyone in TVs today quit, writing "Fuck ______" on their 2-weeks slips.

This is all starting to get to me in a very negative way, piled on top of other undisclosed financial pressures and such. I am getting sick more often, my chest always hurts, and other limbs hurt a great deal without being used. I'm having sporaddic, nonsensical back pains, headaches, and a great deal of lethargy (probably due to the fact that i can't sleep peacefully).

I have read about the fact that certain people have certain predispositions to excel at certain things. I think, hopefully correctly, that my social and psychological disposition does not match one needed to survive happily in a retail and customer service environment. For one, I have noticed that I often feel pangs of anxiety with a full department, knowing that one will probably ask me for help when I am undoubtedly busy fixing something, which is my job. I also do not like having to kiss a lot of ass. Unless you are my boyfriend, I will not bend over backwards for your pleasure and service. I do my job, excute my repairs well, but I will not discount at your leisure. Above all, I hate lying. I often have to lie to make numbers as well as work on computers. I have to tell customers more is wrong with their computer than their actually is to gouge their wallets. I am actually encouraged to do this by some of the management. If I do not, my numbers suffer and therefore my employment status hangs in the balance.

It makes me sick, and sometimes makes it hard to look in the mirror. I have morals too. It may sound stupid but I hate lying.

I think I need a therapist or another job or both. I am already getting the latter in a few months, but I honestly do not know if I can hold on that long without hurting myself in the process. I don't mean cutting or anything overly masochistic, but mentally and academically. I am slowly counting the days, one by one, until I can finally leave this place and still make enough to pay my rent.

Anyway... thanks for listening to my novelization of why I'm about to pop blood vessels in my eyes and grind my teeth into dust.

I really needed it...

lordlundar
08-11-2007, 01:39 PM
It's never too late to start documenting this garbage. So when they turf you or you quit, you have enough to go to the DoL and considering that a large amount of what they are doing is criminal activity (the lying to a customer is a big one) it would be fun to watch the fallout. There's therapy for you.:devil:

Becks
08-11-2007, 03:19 PM
Please do youself (your health, your sanity) a favor and start looking for a new job.

You are exceedingly stressed out, and it's taking a toll on you.

Rapscallion
08-11-2007, 05:52 PM
Look for another job. It's affecting you physically. Get out.

Rapscallion

ArenaBoy
08-12-2007, 02:38 AM
Look for another job. It's not worth the stress at all. I went down that same road you are going through earlier this year and I simply quit without caring whether or not I had a job. It's affecting you big time but once you quit you'll feel a lot better.

We're all here for you, we all know the frustration with dealing with the public.

BookstoreEscapee
08-12-2007, 03:28 AM
What everyone else said...this is soo not worth the stress you are under. In the meantime...

Try to carve out a little time each day for yourself, even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes to start. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and just sit. Or if that's not your style, find something to keep you occupied but that you don't have to think about too much (some kind of needlework, word-search puzzles, whatever).

Also, a therapist might not be a bad idea...even a few visits could help...they can teach you some coping strategies, for one thing, and give you a safe place to take out your frustrations so that you don't dump them all over your boyfriend or others in your life.

All the pains you are getting can be symptoms of depression (which of course goes hand in hand with stress). I used to get chest pains, too (still do, sometimes). When I get stressed I breathe really shallow without realizing it, and it makes my chest feel tight and achy. Take a minute once in a while to pay attention to your breathing during the day...you may be hyperventilating without realizing it. As simple as it sounds a few deep breaths really can help. (Sometimes I will cup my hands over my nose and mouth and breathe deep - same principle as breathing into a paper bag - and it helps to calm me down. I used to get panic attacks and it really helped.)

If you're having trouble falling asleep, here's a trick I've tried and it really works, once you get the hang of it (actually, the first time I really felt it start working it freaked me out and I jerked awake!). It's called 2 to 1 breathing, and basically you just make your exhale twice as long as your inhale. So if you inhale to a count of 3, exhale to a count of 6 (or 2/4, 4/8 or whatever you find most comfortable). You don't have to take especially deep breaths, the object isn't to fill/empty your lungs or anything like that. Just breathe and count. It took me a few tries to get the hang of it but it really does help. You could also try to establish a ritual before bed...a bath or shower (your body temp naturally goes down when you are getting ready to fall asleep; the hot water can help facilitate that process); have a cup of tea (caffeine free, of course), read a not-too-exciting book. Avoid TV or computer too late; the light can keep you awake.

Oh, and go to your boyfriend, tell him you "love him so dearly" and ask him for a big, long hug. Hugs help :)

And here's a cyber-one from me: :hug:

powerboy
08-12-2007, 03:31 AM
Just look hard for another job. I went through the samething, and I just simply quit. Your health is more important then, any job

Pezzle
08-12-2007, 04:04 AM
All the pains you are getting can be symptoms of depression (which of course goes hand in hand with stress). I used to get chest pains, too (still do, sometimes). When I get stressed I breathe really shallow without realizing it, and it makes my chest feel tight and achy. Take a minute once in a while to pay attention to your breathing during the day...you may be hyperventilating without realizing it.

Oh, and go to your boyfriend, tell him you "love him so dearly" and ask him for a big, long hug. Hugs help :)



I know, I'm concerned that it could be depression. My family has no chemical history but with this stress it's understandable that I could definately have some sort of situational form of depression. Especially the lack of interest in things I once loved to do and could do for hours, all the sudden at the drop of a hat poisoned, feeling distant and like I just can't bring myself to do them.

I have noticed that I have been breathing this way for several months now... ever since the management change, and a few other stressors. They fired everyone I loved to work with and replaced them with autonomous madmen. It is actually very annoying. When I take a full lung of air now, it hurts a great deal because I'm stretching my chest. I can't seem to get this rhythm going though. I can breathe deeply but I can't get my nervous system to take over. Always something I'm thinking about. Funny enough sometimes when there's a greater deal on my mind, I forget to inhale on occasion whilst thinking, I don't know if this has anything to do with it.

I tell him I love him every day. I wish I could prove it to him every day though. I need to be able to stop reflecting my anger on him :cry: he's everything to me. Hugs do help though, yes, hugs... Nice hugs.

See, it's hillarious, even as I'm typing this and looking at the clock I am dreading with each passing hour having to go to work tomorrow (11 hour shift in retail is equal to 3 days in hell, it's mathematically true). It's so awesome to feel this way so young. I just want to quit, I want to walk out tomorrow in a fury. Alas, rent does not pay itself and so I am stuck. I even took up minor smoking.

I apologize for any typos, I've been drinking a wee bit too fast tonight. But when smirnoff triple black is on hand, I can't resist that limey goodness. Also, it kind of sedates me.

Bagga
08-12-2007, 11:27 AM
OUT! OUT! OUT!

I was in a very similar situation. For example, I absolutely had to take a bus to work, even though the job was withing 12 minutes walking distance, because if I had walked to work, at every pace I would have the opportunity to think "F^ck this, life is too short" and decide to turn around and go back home. I was teaching unemployed people basic maths and English, and none of them were volunteers, they all had to attend or they lost their state benefits. So after 3 threats of violence in 8 days, ending with a lengthy session of bullying from my manager one Friday, I just totally froze. And apparently went a sickly grey colour.

I haven't worked since, and that was 2 years ago.

So what you must do is to start to document what is going on, so that you begin to control your own fate, and look for ANY other job. Go temping, if necessary, as that has the benefit that if you hate the work you can just say "I won't be here next week".

Go to the doctor, get some help, get referred to a therapist. Sorry, but I also recommend you drink less alcohol, as that is only a quick fix that may make things worse in the long run. (I actually made it through the first 6 months on Prozac, and to be honest, I still miss them, lol!)

You need to start rebuilding your self esteem, and the support of your partner will be helpful, so maybe show him this thread, so he knows how much you need him... You should have high self esteem anyway, as you are coping amazingly well in the circumstances. Proof of this is in your posts in this thread, for example - while I was at my worst, in the early months, my communication skills broke down almost totally, due to my reduced ability to concentrate, I think. (And I am an English teacher, with a good reputation for my skills in quickly building rapport with real students.)

Whereas you still have a good grasp on things. So act now, before you start acting and reacting out of total desperation.

Good luck, keep us posted, and if we can help I am sure we will.

BdwayBabu799
08-12-2007, 02:01 PM
I feel like in some ways I could have posted this myself. I am going through sometime similar at work now. I don't of course want to thread hijack but I agree, I would talk to someone who can help with stress management and ge tout as soon as you can. No job is worth your health! I have nothing new to say because everyone else posted great advice, just wanted to send some well wishes and a hug. Keep us posted.

Pezzle
08-12-2007, 04:15 PM
I feel like in some ways I could have posted this myself. I am going through sometime similar at work now. I don't of course want to thread hijack but I agree, I would talk to someone who can help with stress management and ge tout as soon as you can. No job is worth your health! I have nothing new to say because everyone else posted great advice, just wanted to send some well wishes and a hug. Keep us posted.

If you wish to talk about it, feel free to "hijack". I consider any post pertaining to the original topic not hijacking. All of us who are going through things at work should have a chance to talk when we want to.

Also, I called out of work today. Needed a 'mental health day' so to speak.

BookstoreEscapee
08-12-2007, 04:38 PM
Also, I called out of work today. Needed a 'mental health day' so to speak.

Good for you. If you have sick time you can use, by all means start using it (strategically, of course). I never use my sick days and at the end of the year I realize how many I had and think 'why?!' Sometimes you need a day to recharge.

Checkup with a doc is a good idea. Antidepressants aren't for everyone but it doesn't hurt to discuss the options (preferably with someone who has a lot of experience and doesn't just write a script and send you on your merry way). I've been on them for 4 years (Effexor), and for a while when things were really bad I took Xanax when I needed it. It works quickly for anxiety but it can be addictive so you have to be careful. I haven't needed it for years but there was a time I couldn't get through a day at work without it.

Bagga's right...alcohol doesn't help. Contrary to popular belief, it is actually a depressant (which is not to say it's not fun once in a while ;)). Smoking doesn't do much for you either...you'd be better off going for a walk...moderate exercise can help offset a lot of the symptoms of depression/stress, too.

Pezzle
08-12-2007, 04:50 PM
Bagga's right...alcohol doesn't help. Contrary to popular belief, it is actually a depressant (which is not to say it's not fun once in a while ;)). Smoking doesn't do much for you either...you'd be better off going for a walk...moderate exercise can help offset a lot of the symptoms of depression/stress, too.

The drinking is more of a social thing usually. We'd gone up to the bar twice, just to hang out with our favorite people. The fact that work was creeping in on my mind during that was a very bad sign. Tonight, though, I'd been downing a few Smirnoff Ices to help me get to sleep. Not to mention, I've been on a lime-flavored-everything kick. It definately helped, and I thought things through.

I just can't drink enough to be a problem drinker! My stomach opts out before anything like that can happen. :lol:

Smoking, however, is enjoyable to me. It's a simple thing. I don't like to do it as often as I'd been though. In fact, I haven't for weeks simply because I don't feel like it. So I guess nicotine addiction hasn't beaten me upside the head quite yet.. then agan, I don't inhale, and I don't smoke cigarettes *BUT YES TOBACCO FOR CLARITY'S SAKE =D*

I'm looking for another job today, and focusing on my commission job that I wish I could support myself with :(

BdwayBabu799
08-12-2007, 07:34 PM
Thanks Pezzle, I do want to share what's going on, maybe someone can be of help?

Basically I will try to make this long story short. I start working at a TV station in town a year ago. I thought I was going to be more of a Marketing Assitant dealing with copy writing, some light clerical, research and stuff like that. It turns out that it was a sales position with heavy graphic design and clerical work that I have no experience in. I also had to run the reception desk, which again I had no experience in. However, I was totally willing to learn. The first issue was that the person who had my job before was still at the company, she is now a sales person and had to train me. My boss still went for her for many things and now after a year it turns out that she was always messing the Assistant position up. She wasn't scheduling commericals right and basically causing issues. My boss and her seem to be friends, so she can do no wrong.

A couple of months into the job someone close to me from undergrad died, he was a professor and I had known him for well over 10 years and he was really supportive of my work in theatre, directing and comedy. I was unable to take any personal time for this. I started getting ill from the stress of it but went to the doctor's who put me on some stress medicine. I felt better. Fast forward a couple of months, one of my best friends died suddenly in her sleep. She was my age and in theatre as well. Again, no personal time, I called in sick the day after her wake because I could not bare to go to work and deal with petty work issues.

My job was slowing being demoted to basically just copying things. My bosses behavior became erractic. He would yell at me for things that happened before I worked there and insulted me when I messed up saying "you have a Masters and you screwed THAT up, what is your problem?"

It got worse after I went on vacation for a week. My friend was being deployed and I was set on seeing her before. When I got back all hell broke loose. I was accused of things that had nothing to do with me and threatend with termination.

Now last week after suffering months of abuse at work I passed out and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. I was dehydrated but the doctor saw something on my EKG he were concerned about, I have to go to the cardiologiist. I was also denied my raise and bonus, my boss told me I was getting a horrible yearly review tomorrow and I cannot have any stress until they know if my heart is okay. I am scared because I do have a history of heart issues, and my boss sees it as though I just don't like my job and that is why I am stressed. He does not seem to understand this is serious.

JustADude
08-16-2007, 08:08 AM
TO PEZZLE:

If you can afford to take some time off before you get your job at the Nuke Shack, DO SO, IMMEDIATELY. A job you're about to leave anyway isn't worth the stress and pain you're suffering. Trust me when I say having to tighten your belt up on finances for a little while is nothing compared to the weight that will be off your shoulders when you're out of that crap. I've been there, done that, burned the T-Shirt.

TO BDWAYBABU:

See what others have said to Pezzle. Get a new job, ASAP, where you don't have to deal with that messed up crap. I would've bailed back when the boss started getting personal about mistakes. No money is worth giving up human dignity. Okay, maybe for like $50/hr with an instant-vested 401k with a 10% contribution match and killer health/vision/dental, but I doubt that's your case.

Gurndigarn
08-16-2007, 12:48 PM
As many people have said, if you can afford to get out, it may not be a bad idea. And either way... why not stop lying? If it stresses you out, don't do it. What's the worst they can do? Fire you?

Shabo
08-16-2007, 03:50 PM
To both of you poor souls stuck in crappy situations:

Don't lose heart. It's not always the job that sucks, but the management in these cases. It's ok to love retail but hate your job, Pezzle. It doesn't mean you aren't cut out for it. Take this into consideration: people are leaving that store left and right. High turnover is a sure sign of poor management, and you're manager is worse than poor. And for BDWAYBABU, good luck. I hope that everything goes well with the doctor and that you are able to find a new job that treats you better. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourselves, both of you. You need to let them know that they can't walk all over you.

I find that meditation helps a great deal. The beginning steps for that are learning controlled breathing. It might be a good thing to practice during a lunch break, to calm you down. Take like 15 minutes to eat, and the rest of the 15 to meditate. My favorite method is to get my breathing in a rhythm, then visualize myself "leaving" my body behind and going to a place that I really love. (For me, it's the beach on a warm, cloudy, windy day.) When it's about time to finish up and return to reality, I visualize myself returning back to my body, and then I open my eyes again. Seriously, one of the best things to do when you are completely stressed.

Another different form of meditating, which helps in pretty much any emotional application, is to again used controlled breathing, and visualize yourself taking good clean fresh air in through your nose with every breath, and exhaling whatever trouble/emotion/physical pain in a dirty, black, nasty breath through your mouth. Repeat as necessary. It really helps calming yourself down, and I've used it to help with a really sharp pain before. Didn't make the pain go away, but it lessened it. This is something you could do at your desk after a nasty phone call or meeting with the boss, and it takes a minute or two to do. It's not as long lasting as the 15 minute meditation, but it's a good quick fix for your soul.

I hope that all this stress ends soon for both of you. Good luck guys!

Pezzle
08-16-2007, 11:56 PM
As many people have said, if you can afford to get out, it may not be a bad idea. And either way... why not stop lying? If it stresses you out, don't do it. What's the worst they can do? Fire you?

I don't anymore, now. I haven't for just a little while. My honesty has cost me much in numbers and income for the store, and I've been reprimanded for it, but it feels better than lying.

wagegoth
08-17-2007, 12:16 AM
I ended up on disability because of a manager, and it wasn't even a retail situation. She was verbally abusive, taking out her unhappiness and frustrations on whoever was available, usually me, because I was her assistant. I was down to sleeping two to three hours a night.

I ended up never going back. Disability wasn't great, but it meant I started to sleep normally again, and though things got tight it was worth it in the long run, as I ended up with a part-time job in a law office, which did lead to something much better down the road.

It's bleak and depressing and horrible, and I'm sure it looks like an endless dark tunnel, but things are going to change. They have to. It won't necessarily be easy or pleasant.

If disability is available (getting a work comp claim through for mental stress on the job can be very hard), see a doctor and explain everything that is going on. You may be referred to a psychiatrist for help, but this could be exactly what you need to get some paid leave and a new perspective.

Keep us updated, please. And we all wish you the best.

Pezzle
08-18-2007, 04:45 AM
For the past few days, it's not even like I've been laying there awake -- no, I am in a deep sleep. I've been taking alot of Tylenol PM tho', and see... I have bad bad dreams too. I dream of children killing themselves after their mothers and of men beating their kids faces in. So my sleep, while lengthy, is not restful.

Should I see my family physician first? He knows most about me and could probably make suggestions I think. I'm so nervous though.

XCashier
08-18-2007, 05:19 AM
Yes, go see your doctor. Tell him everything you've told us. Tell him about the mental abuse your workplace is giving you, the blood pressure, bruxism, breathing problems, everything. If he's a decent doctor he will help you through this, rather than just tell you "it's all in your head". You should not be afraid to see your doctor.

This job is psychic poison. Get out of there, do not pass go, do not collect two Maalox. As Shabo said, the high turnover rate is a sure sign of inept management, and inept managers always make life hell for their employees. Talk to your boyfriend, your friends, listen to their advice. Perhaps you can figure out a smaller budget you can live on until the Nuke job opens up. As someone who's been there, being unemployed, while stressful, is still better than an abusive job situation.

Above all, take care of yourself. Life is too short to have to take someone else's crap. We're all pulling for you here. :)

JustADude
08-18-2007, 05:27 AM
For the past few days, it's not even like I've been laying there awake -- no, I am in a deep sleep. I've been taking alot of Tylenol PM tho', and see... I have bad bad dreams too. I dream of children killing themselves after their mothers and of men beating their kids faces in. So my sleep, while lengthy, is not restful.

Should I see my family physician first? He knows most about me and could probably make suggestions I think. I'm so nervous though.

Pezzle, if you haven't made the appointment by the time you read this, MAKE THE APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW! Your problems are a Non-Trivial Issue, and need to be dealt with ASAP. Don't even finish reading this post. Go make the appointment. I'll wait.

Aht!

I said go make the appointment!

...

Okay, done yet?

Good.

Now go take some "Me Time" and consciously relax every muscle in your body. You'll probably be surprised how much you've got clenched up without knowing it. And yes, relax your shoulders even if it hurts at first... especially if it hurts at first, really. Just like smiling and frowning can actually trigger a swing toward the related mood, tensed or loosened shoulders can cause bio-feedback and alter your state of tension and anxiety.

Der Cute
08-18-2007, 11:20 AM
Pezzle:

GET YOUR BUTT TO A DOCTOR!!!!!

When a job makes you sick, it's bad. You CANNOT continue to harm your body (and yes you are doing so) by continue to work there.

Sit down today. Do a pro/con list. Pro of keeping job, con of keeping job.
What does the con list say? Hmmmmm?????????

And by the way: I sometimes take Tylenol PM to make me sleep: but it puts me into such a deep sleep, I get the weird weird dreams. I'd say lay off the PM and start learning how to relax.

After you get home from work, go outside for a walk. Reconnect with Earth. Say hello to trees. Say hi to the birds (yeah sounds dumb but just do it.) Make a deal with yourself to only think Non Work Issues. Stuff like - wow I like kitties. That cloud looks like a fluffy dragon. Hmm the car in front of me is poofing blue smoke, must need an oil gasket. DOODLE IN YOUR HEAD. Let the gerbil take 5 and stop worrying.

Go for a walk, 1 hour of Non Responsible Relax time. 1 hour to self, to do nothing but walk and look around. No Work thoughts. No negative thoughts. Make yourself find the good things: Double Rainbows! Pretty sunbeams....etc.

After walking, eat healthy foods. Fiber, vitamins, color. The better you feed your body, the better it can handle flying brown stuff. Stop giggling, seriously.

Now, you've come home, walked and eaten dinner. Start making a game plan for dealing with work. Don't spend more than an hour on this crap.

Write letters to self, boss and other employees, but don't send them. Just pour your thinking onto the keyboard, get it out. This will help loosen you up.

And make sure you see a doctor about these health issues!!!! NO if's ands or buts!

Cutenoob

Pezzle
08-18-2007, 10:48 PM
Well...

So today I called the doctors office and left a voice mail to have an appointment arranged, and I highlighted ASAP in my voice. I hope my doctor isn't too worried, we're pretty friendly and I had a horrible jitter in my voice this morning. This will probably benefit me in several ways so, I simply cannot wait. I trust him a great deal. The only reason I didn't go before was because I was convinced I could find some way to handle it all, but it's all become so overwhelming. I've been trying to let the manager know that he can't walk all over me, but it's still only half the problem.

While I was with my boyfriend last night, thinking about the day I had for me today, I was completely dejected. All the sudden I had an outburst of tears.... which turned into laughing, screaming, and more crying. For about an hour I had a hard time making cognitive speech patterns :doh: I think I was so upset I couldn't say anything. My boyfriend almost grabbed my cellphone and called to leave the company a voice mail saying I would not be coming in becuase he will not allow me to be in the company of abusive bullies.

Here's the big thing. He hasn't done it since, but some weeks ago he threw a keeper box (those thick plastic boxes you keep easy to steal things in, with the rare earth magnet locks) at me. He's thrown things at associates before, apparently at Compusa he did the same thing. I didn't think much of it then, but I was quite shaken by it deep down... cuz' ever since then, work hasn't been the same. I'm always afraid when he's working, always looking around, always scared he's going to take something else out on me. It's like an abusive relationship, or something.

I can't take it to HR becuase I have no evidence and now cannot recall the exact details, I just remember being mad that he threw things like a 2 year old.

I'll probably have to have bloodwork done. The last time I was overwhelmed and stressed at work, I had a bad episode of mononucleosis. Now, I'm tired all the time again and often have muscle soreness and headaches so I am sure he'll want to see if it's acting up again or not. I hope not, that was HELL.

Today I sent about six emails to different companies with want ads on craigslist and such in the area for tech support. I'm sure I won't get most of them, they want more qualifications and such but... I guess it's worth a try. My resume isn't much to speak of.

Anyway, thanks for your continuing support... and now I want to go sleep.

Der Cute
08-18-2007, 11:12 PM
Pezzle:

Regarding the box-tossing BF: I wonder at times if you are being irrational due to your overwhelming stress levels.

No, it is NOT acceptable to throw things at other humans (although some times I want to) BUT...are you adding fears into the equation? Are you saying to yourself: I dislike him throwing a box...........OR ZOMG HE THREW A BOX NEXT TIME ITS A KNIFE ZOMG EEK EEK....

Do you see my point?
During stress and anxiety, brains / emotions can go weird. Gut instinct is usually correct, and there are times also when the concious part of you layers on extra fears on top of the reaction.

I'm trying to say - you may be right but are you making mountain out of molehill?

I am glad you have CHOSEN (remember this) to goto the doctor's office. Please CHOOSE to write down your symptoms, your incidents and your questions for the doctor. Being anxious/ weirded out - it's hard to vocalize your thoughts, collectively and clearly.

I hope you CHOOSE to learn manual relaxation techniques.

Pezzle: what about printing out your posts here for Doc? :) Just a thought.

Keep us posted,
Cutenoob

Pezzle
08-19-2007, 01:45 AM
Cutenoob:

I do believe you misread my post. My MANAGER was the one who flung the keeper box across the counter because he was angry. It had a piece of RAM in it, and was making the bench look untidy so he flung it across the bench. It of course bounced and hit the edge of the bench and subsequently flew off and onto the floor next to me. -- I think he was not actually trying to hit me, but he came quite close. There were other associates there, but now I can't remember who it was... I really wish I'd written it down at the time. I do not take these things lightly anymore. At first I almost expected it as part of a work day... and then I realized he was doing it to other people. All the sudden it clicked "Wait a minute... you're not supposed to get things thrown at you by your boss at work..."

I dont' care if deep down he was joking, his face was fuming red at the moment and he reprimanded us for how unsightly the tech bench was. I'm not scared it'll be something bigger, I'm just scared next time it'll hit!

My BF would never throw anything at me. My BF is angry because he threw things in the workplace and stomped and huffed like an infant.

Same thing when we were disposing of a customer piece in the warehouse and he threw it down (shot put, shattered into a million pieces). Disregard for safety.

I haven't told HR. Why? I wasn't quite upset about it until after the fact, and now my dates and times are all fowled up. They'll never believe me at this point so I just have to document everything from this point on.

Hope that clears it up.

And yes, I'm documenting everything in my little red book. :D

Der Cute
08-19-2007, 02:00 AM
While I was with my boyfriend last night, *snip*Here's the big thing. He hasn't done it since

Ok, I mis-read the post. I thought that the 3rd paragraph was a continuation of the BF.

Yes, continue the documentation, both for your sake and other employee's sakes. And good luck on job hunting, hope you've got a resume in Dice.com!

Cutenoob

MystyGlyttyr
08-19-2007, 05:24 PM
For the past few days, it's not even like I've been laying there awake -- no, I am in a deep sleep. I've been taking alot of Tylenol PM tho', and see... I have bad bad dreams too. I dream of children killing themselves after their mothers and of men beating their kids faces in. So my sleep, while lengthy, is not restful.

I don't know much about what to say about the rest, but this jumped out at me. Tylenol PM does me the EXACT same way. Every time I have ever taken it, it's given me godawful nightmares, we're talking waking up screaming in terror and my parents come running in from the other room to see who's killing me style of nightmares. And on a couple of occasions, in addition to the nightmares, I would get some very strange sort of sleepwalking, where I would wake up in a daze and leap out of bed, take off running, but fall flat on my face within three steps because I wasn't really "awake" yet. One time in particular I remember waking up and looking at the clock, seeing it was about 2:30 in the morning, and thinking "Huh. I'm going to be late for work." But as soon as I stood up out of bed, I went down and then really woke up and realized I didn't have to leave for work until 7. That shit is no fun.

I've never taken it, but my mother, who's lived with bad insomnia for years, SWEARS by melatonin; you can find them for $3 a bottle of 60 at Wal-Mart in the vitamin section. Even my sister, who is the family skeptic, admits that taking those things works almost as well as any other sleep medicine she's tried.

So far as anything else, I echo the sentiments expressed by the others, and I hope you get things worked out.

XCashier
08-19-2007, 11:49 PM
I've never taken it, but my mother, who's lived with bad insomnia for years, SWEARS by melatonin; you can find them for $3 a bottle of 60 at Wal-Mart in the vitamin section. Even my sister, who is the family skeptic, admits that taking those things works almost as well as any other sleep medicine she's tried.
Melatonin works very well for me, and it doesn't give me nightmares or any other side effects (that I've noticed). You can find it at health food, natural food or vitamin stores, too.

Bella_Vixen
08-20-2007, 02:19 AM
I like Melatonin. The only thing is, it doesn't keep me asleep. It's makes me sleep for a couple hours, then I wake up. I still recommend it.

Just make sure you get the vegetarian version, unless you really enjoy cow brains.

Pezzle
08-20-2007, 02:29 AM
Just make sure you get the vegetarian version, unless you really enjoy cow brains.

Considering I've eaten them before, I think I can handle them in pill form :roll:

Pezzle
08-20-2007, 03:46 PM
Status Update as of Today:

I awoke this morning to two voicemails. I didn't want to check them, assuming they were from the salt mines. However, after checking my caller ID/Missed Call log, I realized I only recognized one of the two numbers associated with the voice mails.

The first message was from my doctor, I have an apointment on Wednesday at 8:40 AM. Good, time to make sure this is just stress and not some underlying illness!

The second voicemail, however, may skew his results entirely too much. It was a call from one of the technical support call centers I applied to... pays 4-5 more an hour than where I am at now. I had sent an e-mail asking them if they'd like to see a resume regardless of my school schedule, and they called me and said they'd love to set up an interview for a part time position with weekend hours :eek: I'm shaking, I'm so excited. I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, I know, this is just the first non 'cookie-cutter' job I've ever applied for! (Cookie cutter as in big box online UNICRU applications).

Now I'm all nervous though. I haven't called back yet because I'm trying to get that excited pitch out of my voice :D and also, my resume needs advising. I'm not the best with objective statements. And what am I going to wear!? :lol: Ohh I think me and BF are going shopping for a new pantsuit and some shoes today, he likes helping me pick things out heeee hahahaha! I'm scared I wont say the right things during the interview! I'm sure I'll do OK tho!

I got an e-mail back from another technical support firm in central NJ wanting to see my resume.

Perhaps the best of all, I have a pretty strong bid for a freelance Children's Book Illustrator job. I'm collecting and sending in my portfolio later today. It's 100 per illustration, no degree required. I can do this on the side!

I think I'm starting to believe in God. Or at least some higher force in the Universe. It feels like when one door is pushing me into a corner, another opens.

:cry: OH GODS IM SO EXCITED!

Shabo
08-20-2007, 03:54 PM
Don't worry too much about the tech jobs. Most of them post more requirements than they actually expect, and some just get outrageous with the skills the expect from you. Truth is that it is really hard to find competent techs, so if you can prove to them that you know what you are doing, then you will be fine.

Do you have a career resource office at your school? Most colleges have them, and they are usually good about looking at resumes and cover letters and coaching you on them. I would check into that, most definitely. Also, make sure you check out the company website and learn about that company's mission and goals, and keep them in mind when writing your resume and cover letter.

Good luck!

Pezzle
08-21-2007, 06:58 PM
Status Update as of Today:

After almost getting into a fist fight with a customer, I tendered my resignation. I am now at home trying to detox and destress.

Der Cute
08-21-2007, 09:44 PM
Pezzle:

I'm sorry you had to quit before you could fully land a better job. But, tbh, it sounds like you NEED the time.

So, like I've said before: go outside. Go for a walk. Talk to the trees and birds and nature. And if the gerbil in your head wants to chatter about work - give him a valium. No work related thoughts allowed. And yes this skill is a learned skill, it takes lots of practice.

Go ask your local YMCA about yoga classes!

And go to the library and read up on interview skills...you can take your time now.

I think this is for the best, truly.

And ya know what - you CAN do it.

Cutenoob

Pezzle
08-24-2007, 06:31 PM
Quick Update:

Cutenoob - Don't worry, BF and I have some Tai Chi classes lined up for us.

Now, the interview on Wednesday went well. Reading their body language, I saw no crossed arms, no loud exhalation -- just smiles and laughter, a good casual conversation afterwards. They even took me on a tour and used "This is where you'll be working" instead of "If you get hired..." so it looks like they took a shine to me and are hopeful that I'll make the background check. I'm currently drafting up thank-you letters to the two people that interviewed me and gave me cards (also requesting they forward it to the others).

Looks like the shift will be weekends only. I'd be probably supporting the hospital I was born in or supporting the billing departments of Campbells. Sounds great!

I'm still at work for two weeks to be professional and not burn bridges with the managers I do like. I've been dressing up in nice, flashy girl clothes with suit jackets and stuff. Surprisingly, customers buy more from you out of uniform and in nice clothes o-o. Things have been mellow, they've been tasking me so the stress is down a little (eg auditing work orders).

Can't wait to hear back from them =D

Pezzle
08-28-2007, 10:14 PM
Update:

Still no word back. I'll follow up with them tomorrow.

However, I did send the regional business director of Circuit City an e-mail. A very long, detailed e-mail about everything that has happened. I'm just praying he'll actually read it.

Pezzle
09-01-2007, 03:02 PM
Stauts Update Number NINE THOUSAAAAND!

Was supposed to go to Hell today, but I called in sick (I really don't feel good). That's probably the anxiety speaking for my stomach though. Tomorrow is my last scheduled day. I don't know if I can do it.

So, I still haven't heard back from them. I sent an exploratory e-mail to the helpdesk supervisor (who gave me his card) to see what the status of the application was, and whether or not HR needed anything else from me. They haven't responded yet, but I don't expect them to drop everything. I recently checked my credit report becuase of an investigation and I still do not see any requests, and all of my references tell me they've recieved no phone calls. This not good. :(

BUT! I do have alternative good news.

A bid for children's book illustration may come through. I'm about to go to Michael's to pick up a few more colored pencils (Hell, I'm sure I could pull it off in crayolas i I had to...) to do some character concepts for a children's book. I'm slapping my VOID THIS IS A SAMPLE watermark all over that, I'm scared of art theft. The person I'm communicating with seems good at heart, and so I'm just hoping she'll like my stuff. She likes my other work so...

And, I'm off to a local hospital to apply for secretary/data entry. Yes, I know, it's a boring sounding job. Yes, I know, it will be stressful. My boyfriend's friend works there, and he's putting in good words for me to the higher-ups. It's 75 cents more an hour to start, and with my typing speed there's a good chance for more. The best part is that I get to wear scrubs and not polos ^.^;

Other than that, I'm supporting myself with the barrage of figure painting requests I've gotten. I have two 2500 point armies to paint for Warhammer 40k and WHFB, an 8 man squad of Necromunda figs (5 bucks a piece, friend discount), a D&D mini for around 15-20 at least, he wants epic quality. Also, the whole Dark Elves army I have to fix up, the manticore I have to convert, and the rest of the Empire army I have to paint...

...yeah, I'm sitting on some money I'd say. So i'm not so worried about rent yet.