View Full Version : Things I am not allowed to do at work.

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07-08-2006, 06:46 AM
This list has survived several forum hacks and reloads. Several of us members (As much as I would like to take all the credit, I can't.) have made it our personal mission to protect the list and ensure that it survives for future readers.(It has kinda become the Phoenix of this site. Rising from the ashes of the old to signal the birth of the new.:angel: ) Sadly, not all entries from past forums where saved and everyone is welcome to make new additions to the list or repost items that where lost. Now enough talk, here is what you all came here for. I had to spread the list across several posts because I am limited to 10,000 characters per post.

"Things I am not allowed to do at work"

Mr. Rude

1: Not allowed to size up a nice sturdy beam to hang self from.
2: Impolite to offer boss rope first.
3: Making a bullwhip out of extra RJ45 cables is a no-no.
4: Using it on a child in the store is frowned upon.
5: When asked if we sell printer ink, the answer is not "Mayyybe" followed by shifty glances.
6: We also do not sell printer paper by the sheet.
7: Do not respond to the owners requests by clicking heels together & saying "Yes, My Colonel"
8: Giving the finger to customers behind their backs, though somewhat fulfilling, is not polite. And not to be done.
9: Ditto for doing it to their face.
10: Not allowed to put bits of metal in an empty monitor case, carry past owner, fake dropping & look surprised when it makes "weird" sounds.
11: Same for one with a monitor inside.
12: When asked for an easy method to "clear" a hardrive, telling customers to get a 2 lb ballpeen hammer & swing away is not the correct answer..
13. Upon seeing a customer carrying in an archaic printer, not allowed to fake a seizure to get out of the ensuing "tech" question period to follow.
14: or feign not being able to speak english...
15 When a bunch of customers show up at the same time, eenie, meeny, miney, moe is not the right way to pick who I'm going to help first.
16: Same for asking them to draw straws.
17: When a customer calls about the same technical issue...4 days straight...telling them to "flick their power switch off & on really fast about 20 times" isn't a prescribed repair method.
18: I am not the "Funk king of the galaxy".
19: Doing "victory jigs" & yelling "OWNED" after big sales makes cutomers mad.
20: Don't make forts out of computer cases.
21: Do not laugh at other peoples computers when the bring them in...No matter how old they are.
22: Serial & parallel ports are not the "spawn of satan".
23: I cannot invoke "Jihad" in the name of USB or Firewire.
24: Stop crushing customers heads when they walk away..... *crush*....*crush*
25: When told to do something by owner, the correct response is not "why?"or "first I must consult the oracle".
26: Stop referring to myself in the 3rd person.
27: The store is not a "laggy" server.
28 : & I am not console & can't "boot" people from it.
29: Stop swearing in foreign languages...That includes Klingon.
30: Stop making up new languages.
31: Underwear is not optional.
32: Fashioning above from cardboard, duct tape or aluminum foil is frowned upon.
33: Photoshop is not a toy.
34: Subscribing the owner to online pornsites is bad...
35: Same for changing his home page to same site....
36: Or having the magazine for same delivered to the store smile.gif
37: Get down from there....
38: After ringing up sale for customer I cannot fine them for being slow.
39: Or add a %18 tip.
40: Even if they don't notice until 4 hours later....
41: I don't have a pack of "crap flinging monkeys" in the back to summon at my will.
42: When faced with a "busted" computer, the analysis "Hmm, sounds like porn to me" is not to be uttered.
43: Or "Sounds like an id10t issue to me".
44: Ditto for "Must be a pibkac issue" (pibkac = problem is between keyboard and chair)
45: Same with "That's a btfom error" (btfom= beats the f**k outta me)
46: Turning a monitor to face a wall will not "keep the devil out".
47: Stop putting ancient 64 meg ram sticks in demo computers.
48: Stop asking customers to RTFM & reboot.
49: After opening customers case...Don't scratch head, then sloooowly reach for a hammer while they're watching.
50: Stop inventing number systems.
51: "Stop drop & roll" is not a retail sales method.
52: Neither is "light & get away".
53: Smoke, blue sparks & a whiff of ozone are not supposed to come from newly installed power supplies.
54: When same happens while customer is watching, don't turn around with still smoking tower, smile & say "There, it's all done now".
55: When a customer ask for a "cheap" laptop, don't show them an etch-a-sketch.......Or a calculator.
56: The last thing the boss wants to hear from the back is a Nelson laugh....."Haw-haw"
57: It's called a virus scan, not "layin' the smackdown on that code shizzle".
58: After opening a customers computer up, do not call over a tech to "Have a good laugh".
59: After being asked about upgrade options on same computer, do not produce a hamster wheel or an etch-a-sketch. smile.gif
60: While adding/replacing a component in a computer, don't snap an old CD case in side to simulate breaking the motherboard, then quietly say "oops".
61: Don't offer customer a blindfold or last cigarette after putting computer on bench for repairs.
62: I am not dutch, so stop walking around talking like "Goldmember" from Austin Powers......DUTCHHATER!!
63: When a customer asks for a deal, the response isn't "Sure, 2 for twice the price".
64: Same goes for raising the price after they ask.
65: When a number system is in use for customers waiting...Don't arbitrarilly call any number I feel like calling. ( I.E. number on display is 43....call # 862 )
66: Or letters.....
67: Shuffle my feet on a carpet, then walk around the tech area demanding a ransom for I am "The Archduke of Static".
68: I am a male & do not experience "that time of the month", so get back out on the floor.
69: Not allowed to edit posts on online forums while at work.
70: Installing Windows 95 on a customers computer, while funny, isn't store policy.
71: Stop teasing people with Intel chipsets.
72: Don't refer to dial-up as "morse code".
73: It's called a "release date" not "doomsday for the 32 bit OS" (Vista wink.gif )
74: Don't release crickets in owners office.
75: Especially one at a time, over a period of weeks.
76: Same for adjusting desk height 1/4 of an inch daily for 3 weeks.
77: Post no bills.............Nuff said.
78: Stop having military recuitment pamphlets sent to co-workers I don't like.
79: Or any other "cult" propaganda.
80: Stop telling seniors that wireless routers will transmit all your personal info city wide.
81: The lunchroom fridge is meant for lunches, not a case of beer, liqour or any wines.
82: Ditto for a whole turkey.
83: Spongebath in lunchroom sink?....Bad.
84: Close the door while using bathroom.
85: I'm not a lumberjack & I'm not ok...So stop singing that stupid song.
86: Stop doing "Monty Pythonish" skits during work hours.
87: IDE cables are not clothing, headbands or underwear.
88: If I giggle about something for more than 15 seconds, I'm not allowed to do it.
89: ...Or say what I was thinking either.
90: It's called "company policy" not "The lesser of two evils", so shutup & do it.
91: When told to be clean shaven for work, that means "facial area"......Nowhere else. biggrin.gif
92: Trying to E-bay store product for a better percentage annoys the owner. Stop doing that.
93: Same for hawking it at a pawn shop...
94: Unless he gets a better margin...
95: I am not the "Generalissimo of Rudesylvania".
96: ....Even if I have business cards that say so.
97: Tricks are not for kids
98: When faced with a stupid / plain old fashioned customer with dumbassed questions, I cannot roll around on the ground like I'm on fire. (I.E. Those Duo core processors use up the batteries twice as fast huh?)
99: Even if the owner agrees with me...
100: Want your paycheck? Take off that stupid hat.
101: Do not photoshop pic of owners wife naked with same hat.
102: when asked a rather DUMB question......please don't make snorting & guffawing sounds. Unless everyone gets to hear it from now on.

07-08-2006, 06:46 AM

57. Not allowed to flirt with hot chicks while on the clock
58. I am not Charlton Heston, pallet jacks are not chariots, therefore I am not to race others around the stockroom using flattened carboard boxes as shields and 2x4's as swords and polearms.
59. breaking styrofoam chunks over someone's head is horseplay, and is grounds for termination.
60. working through your break is grounds for termination.
61. working overtime is grounds for termination.
62. telling new teammates false grounds for termination is grounds for termination.
63. making fun of the grounds for termination is grounds for termination.
64. upon finding a coworker has 7 kids, an appropriate response is not "GOOD GOD! What are you, Catholic or Mormon?"
65. nicknames should never be derogatory, therefore my suggestion for renaming Chris :Snitchy McNarcyouout" is inappropriate
66. even though it's freaking TRUE!
67. when asked by a customer where the crackers are, inappropriate for me to respond, "Well, I'm white..."
68. breaks are 15 minutes, not 25
69.not allowed to hit the page button anymore and jabber about jack shit for 3 minutes just so I don't have to listen to muzak.
70. not allowed to switch labels from cans of dog food with labels from cans of Spaghetti-Os
71. "Plop plop, fizz fizz! Oh what a relief it is!" does not apply to the seagulls in the parking lot.
72. Scanning the chessy combovers on elderly SCs to try and get a price on cantankerous old geezer isn't funny.
73. telling somebody to "go play in the trash compactor" when I'm ticked because I'm behind schedule and they're not helping me and they won't shut the hell up and leave me alone isn't appropriate.
74. not allowed to beat down shoplifters with an aluminum baseball bat
75. or a wooden one.
76. not allowed to ogle coworkers' hot sisters when they visit
77. I am not the store's "official creepy toy goon".
78. even though I should be.
79. not allowed to follow the cleaning guy around saying "you missed a spot" until he wants to crush my skull like a ping pong ball under a freight locomotive
80. not allowed to tell snotty little kids that they're adopted and no one likes them.
81. management does not "suck", at least not when they're within earshot.
82. corn is not "ribbed for her pleasure"
83. when a manager pisses me off, not allowed to respond "OH YEAH!? WELL I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU'RE AMONGST THE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES!"
84. not allowed to tell people "I will smurf you right in the smurf!" when they won't shut up.
85. no nations will burn because of my stubbed toe
86. the pasta is enriched with semolina, NOT salmonella
87. no longer allowed to refer to a customer as "Giganto, the erection preventer"
88. when asked by management why I'm being paid (I was looking for something on the floor), the correct answer is not "Because you love me?"
89. when asked by a customer if I've found religion, appropriate answer is not "Yes, and I found it dull and annoying"
90. not allowed to sing "Longview" by Green Day
91. not allowed to run up to coworkers, punch them in the head and yell "OWN3D!" and run away
92. shouldn't page new teammates to parts of the store that don't exist.
93. not allowed to equip fellow teammates with riot gear for Black Friday
94. can never ever again bring in a cattle prod to demonstrate to management my plan for crowd control on Black Friday
95. the open door policy is not there for to bring up ideas like 93 and 94.


96. Not allowed to accept bribes from the salesmen to get their mockups done first
97. Not allowed to accept bribes from the salesmen to print their labels first.
98. Not allowed to bring in all my toys and hold mock battles to decide which mockups to do first.
99. Or, really, you know, at all.
100. Not allowed to create the labels in German.
101. Or Japanese.
102. Or Klingon
103. Or any of my personal languages.
104. Not allowed to mock the salesmen's bad handwriting, spelling, sales technique, or appearence.
105. Not allowed to lock and the doors and turn out the lights to take a nap.
106. Not even if I say "I'm burning plates!"
107. Not allowed to sleep on the couches in the break room.
108. Or build a pillow fort.
109. Not allowed to email labels to the wrong salesmen. "Eh, Ralph, John, it all sounds the same."
110. Not allowed to wear pajamas to work.
111. Not allowed to plaster the walls with pictures of my cats, cute guys, fun art, etc.
112. Not allowed to proclaim myself Queen of my Domain.
113. Not allowed to thwart the barbarions with a moat of coffee.
114. Not allowed to put truthful titles on the salesmen's business cards. Things like "smelly old jerk with no teeth"
115. Not allowed to destroy the printers for *daring* to disobey!


116. When asked why the prices are so high at the store, the proper response is not 'because Jesus hates you.'
117. Same for 'Because God hates you.'
118. And 'Buddha.'
119. Wilfred Brimley is not Big Brother and Quaker Oats containers are not for shrine building.
120. Making jokes about the SM's height is not allowed.
121. Spraying air freshener after customers leave, impolite.
122. Same with febreze.
123. Same with putting up car air fresheners.
124. Attempting to perform excorcisms on loud children is not acceptable.
125. The power of Christ does not compel you.
126. My title is Customer Service Representative, not 'Lord Tillmaster of Officestan.'
127. Singing Rammstein is not allowed.
128. Singing E Nomine is not allowed.
129. The store manager's BIL is not a slacker, no matter how much he is, in fact, a slacker.
130. Grocery carts are not for racing, and the import aisle is not a drag strip.
131. Not allowed to use cheesy game show announcer voice over PA.
132. Not allowed to use pig latin over PA.
133. Not allowed to make announcements from manager's office and 'accidentally' leave PA on.
134. Not allowed to roll for initiative when customer comes to desk.
135. Doing a handstand when someone says 'turn that frown upside down' is inappropriate.
136. Comparing customers to vegetables not allowed.
137. Same for fruits, cuts of meat, and plates.
138. Stocking and selling cigarettes does not make me a 'merchant of voluntary death.'
139. Nor are smokers 'signing up for voluntary population reduction.'
140. Not allowed to suggest idiocy removal surgery for management, coworkers, or customers.

Edit: Quick explanation, Wilfred Brimley is the guy on the front of the Quaker's Oats containers...


141. No playing frisbee with the pizza boards
142. No taking wood from the pallets to play SWAT Team
143. Can't tell customers soup is food's last chance to be eaten
144. Not allowed to wear an Irish flag as a cape on St. Patrick's Day
145. It's best not to challenge customers or coworkers to food fights
146. Not a good idea to challenge managers to snowball fights
147. Shouldn't try to "borrow" the police officers' handcuffs (we have cops as security)
148. Not allowed to have water balloon fights
149. It's not in the best interests of the store and it's customers to have races with the motor scooters
150. I am not the boss of the grocery back room, even though I have a phone card that says "Boss" on it
151. I really shouldn't climb into the cardboard baler
152. playing baseball with the big knives and honeydews is a bad idea (the grocery guys try this)
153. Wearing stickers that say "As Advertised", "Take Me Home, I'm Delicious", etc. isn't part of the image we want to show customers

07-08-2006, 06:47 AM

154 - I shouldn't tell paitents who have Rx's for Potassium Chloride that they are getting "One-third of a lethal injection"
155 - I can't threaten to make home-made nitroglycerin
156 - My manager's baldness should not be the butt of any jokes
157 - Nor my other manager's spinelessness
158 - Nor my co-workers mania
159 - Even if they're funny jokes
160 - Especialy not if they're funny jokes
161 - Despite the name, the "Shrink" setting on the scanning gun doesn't do anything remotely related to size
162 - And I shouldn't threaten other employees with any of it's non-functions
163 - I'm not allowed to mock the reciever
164 - I'm not allowed to leave without punching out first
165 - I'm not allowed to give medical advice
166 - I'm not allowed to gloat that I can properly pronounce "Hydrochlorothiazide"
167 - Nor make fun of my co-workers inability to pronounce "Actonel" correctly
168 - I'm not allowed to hang up on the automated attendant
169 - But I can put live people on hold
170 - I'm not allowed to eat lunch in the pharmacy
171 - Nor store my food in a chemotherapy transport bag
172 - Putting fake pills in pharmacy bottles is not funny
173 - Putting candy in them isn't a good idea either
174 - I'm not allowed to run out of paper supplies, even if it's not my fault. (See rule # 163)
175 - "Greet Em' Treat Em' Street Em' " is not our corporate philosophy
176 - I'm not allowed to impersonate HAL
177 - Or Yosemite Sam
178 - I shouldn't ask customers if they're "Here for your methadone samples?"
179 - I can't offer anyone discounts for things I've "dropped on the floor"
180 - 1 orange pill doesn't do the same thing as 1/2 each of the red and yellow pills
181 - "One per rectum" is a valid prescription sig
182 - So is "nasal sneezing" (as opposed to what other kind? Rectal? )
183 - I can't accept forged scripts
184 - Nor scripts the doctor didn't sign
185 - "Dr. Feelgood" is not a valid prescriber
186 - Yes, I took lunch
187 - I can't pawn any of my problems off on HR
188 - I shouldn't promise things I can't deliver
189 - No Viagra joke is ever funny
190 - The second time
191 - I shouldn't order things for people who won't pay for them
192 - I'm not allowed to reconstitute 150ml of suspention that costs $190 untill that $190 is in the till
193 - I'm not allowed to know any of those credit card numbers I know
194 - I don't qualify for hazzardous duty pay
195 -I'm not allowed to climb into the trash compactor
196 - I'm not allowed to stick my hands in the cardboard baler
197 - Lack of an extradition treaty won't keep another department from borrowing me if they're short on manpower during Christmas.
198 - I am not allowed to run out of salable product
199 - I am not to keep more than 30 days of anything on hand
200 - I cannot reffer to the prescription-strength laxitives as "colon blow"
201 - I'm not allowed to commit insurance fraud
202 - I'm not allowed to refuse to fill anything on "religious grounds"
203 - I'm not allowed to let customers see me picking dropped pills off the floor
204 - I cannot attempt a "no look pass" with the medicine bottles
205 - I'm not allowed to write down an incorrect NDC
206 - There is nobody working here with the first name of "Skop"


207. Not allowed to tell customers to just pay their damn bill and stop annoying me with their crap.
208. Not allowed to tell customers their bills are so high because of the 1-900 sex numbers they call.
209. Not allowed to fall asleep when people are rambling on and on about how they can't pay their bill.
210. Not allowed to tell a child their parents are cowardly, low life, deadbeats who have to hide behind their child to avoid the bill collector.
211. Not allowed to tell a child to ask their parents for more original swear words, since the ones they have their children use on us are old and tired.
212. Not allowed to tell customers that I'm the goddess of bill collection and will smite them with my wrath.
213. Not allowed to tell customers their bills are so high because we hate them.


216. Can't have food or drink in the register area but they didn't say anything about my apron.
217. Can't laugh at customers when they say something about this being one of those everything's a dollar store which it's not.
218. Can't put up a sign saying everything's a dollar just to trick customers.
219. Can't run over customers while racing bugges.
220. Can't race buggies.


221. Can't slap customers with my glove and challenge them to a duel.
222. Same goes for co-workers.
223. Covering my ears and running through the store screeching like a banshee is not productive use of my time.
224. Neither is crouching on the shelves and throwing cat food samples.
225. My plastic-ninja-flinging gun is best left at home.
226. In my store, the laws of physics are best obeyed.
227. No, I may not wear a name tag that says, "My Name is SureShot and I'm Better Than You."
228. No, I may not stow away in the deilvery truck and hope it takes me on some sort of wacky adventure.


Pizza place:

229. Not allowed to try to mount pizza slicer to broom.
230. The proper way to answer the phone is not 'Domino's has a really good deal right now, you should call them.'
231. Not allowed to play Rob Zombie loudly when delivering to churches.
232. Our breadsticks are not made by starving asian children in sweatshops.


233. Fake lash marks are not amusing.
234. Retail Slave is not an appropriate title for a name badge.
235. Loud children are not 'future sacrifices for Kali-Ma.'
236. Not allowed to direct people to Target when they ask where an item is.
237. The Icky Shuffle is never appropriate.

And my short lived mall job...

238. Not allowed to forget to come back from break for two hours because I was in the book store and lost track of time.(I'm such a book nerd. >.<)


239. I can't challenge coworkers to a wet t-shirt contest, even if I keep my work issued sweatshirt on
240. No playing catch with produce on the sales floor.
241. No meowing over the PA
242. No singing of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" when two people of the opposite sex use the elevator


243. It's probably not a good idea to have a glass of wine to sample while checking in a wine order, even if it is a new brand we're carrying
244. Beer probably falls under that category as well
245. No playing frisbee w/the frozen pizzas
246. No using 2 ltr bottles and a frozen turkey on the back aisle as a bowling ball (we actually had a stock crew that did this ohmy.gif )
247. No turning on the water hose in the produce prep room to drown the AM b/c he's rambling out of his butt over something trivial
248. Same goes for taking a shower in the produce prep room w/the water hose
249. No throwing the POS printer out into the back alley outside the Receiving area to let the beer truck run over it, no matter how crappy the printer is or how much misery it is causing me
250. Sames goes for taking a ball bat to the POS printer and beating it, a la "Office Space"
251. No dueling with staplers or playing duct-tape the AM
252. No beating the customers who whine to the cashiers about not having their store card
253. No beating the customers for sending in trivial complaints to corporate
254. Actually, no beating the customers at any time for any reason
255. Taking the machete to work for protection from management threats would probably be viewed as an act of terrorism and possibly violate some double-secret policy banning concealed weapons in the store
256. Playing "Baler Toss" with the assistant manager probably won't win me any awards from corporate, even if he is a total two-faced prick
257. And there's probably a health law somehwere about filling a 55-gallon drum w/trash and wood scraps and lighting it ablaze in the Receiving area, even if the roof hatch is open when it's 10 degrees outside and -5 in the receiving area b/c the overhead heater fan won't come on


258. No suggesting that if they put wine in the soda machine we could do our jobs better.
259. No going kung fu on my boss or supervisor's ass for putting their arm around me.
260. No telling suspious wives that I am really the other woman just pretending to be a bill collector.
261. No beating my co-worker who sits next to me for being a total idiot who thinks he is better than everyone else.
262. No telling the same co-worker that he should drop out of college because he is too stupid to read anything harder than "My Pet Goat".
263. No offering the male security guard a tampon simply because his head is almost all the way in my purse when he checks my bags when I come in the building.
264. No telling the same security guard that I'm not smuggling anything down my shirt, so stop staring down it.
265. No introducing myself by last name and making mafia jokes.

07-08-2006, 06:49 AM

266. Not allowed to sleep on pallets in the warehouse during my lunch.
267. Even if I DO have an alarm clock so I won't be late back to work.
268. Not allowed to install kegerator in break room
269. Not allowed to discuss benefits of having a kegerator at work.
270. Not allowed to have a candy drawer at the paint counter.
271. Even if the Department manager has one. (I still have one that is hidden.)
272. Not allowed to use the display binoculars to check out women across the store.
273. Even if the Sporting Goods associate is doing it.
274. Not allowed to bring my 15x60x80 spotting scope to work and use it to check out women across the store.
275. Ditto for lending it to the Sporting Goods associate.
276. "Reducing shrinkage" is not a valid reason for using my spotting scope to check out women across the store.
277. Not allowed to exchange loading data with the fellow reloader who came in to buy a gun.
278. Not allowed to call a trash can and cart full of ice a "keg kit". Dispite the fact that is what they are going to use it for.
279. Not allowed to ask directions to the kegger.
280. Ditto for giving advice on how to properly cool a keg.
281. Not allowed to tell underage people what liquor stores have clerks that can be bribed.
282. Not allowed to tell underage people how to build a still and make moonshine.
283. Even if it is for a "science project."
284. Not allowed to assemble "bong kits" for the stoners who come in looking to "repair their sink".
285. Ditto for "beer bong" kits.
286. Even if we do sell alot of them.
287. Not allowed to tell Canadians how to sneak stuff across the border.


From my Goodwill days--
288. No climbing into the cages full of received goods, especially in front of people who just donated the items
289. No wearing the funny hats around the store
290. No making doo rags out of whatever is available
291. No taking the elastic belts from the 80s and turning them into makeshift nipple covers
292. No taking the forklift across the parking lot to try to lift up a car (I was not involved in this one, but I heard about it)
293. Can't refer to the manager and assistant manager as the ambiguously gay duo
294. Can't refer to the manager as Skippy or Lance (from N*Sync)
295. No making coworkers laugh when they're making announcements
296. Not allowed to ask for a nametag that says "Somebody/Someone" so I know when I'm supposed to be on register dry.gif


298. Here's another one for my list, which I"m sorely tempted to print a copy of and post at work over my desk in the back:
299. No throwing grapes at people on the sales floor (especially if your name is Greggie)

(This one was created just for my Wise vendor - he was throwing grapes at the produce girl the other day.)

And a few others:

300. No peeing in the mop sink
301. No singing on the PA
302. No dance tournaments are to be held on the sales floor
303. No pelting the stockers w/out of date product from their aisles that they failed to rotate over the last 3 years
304. No stuffing a manager into a box marked damaged and sending him to the reclaim center, even if he is off his rocker
305. No throwing managers into the dumpster, even if they are trash
306. No playing laser tag with the Texlon guns or Pocket PC's
307. No food fights in the Deli/Bakery department
308. No table dancing in the Deli/Bakery department
309. No wet t-shirt contests outside the store, or inside for that matter


--Exorcising an Intel box (even if it is a Dell) is not funny to some people.
--Nor is exorcising a Mac.
--I shall not sit surfing the web with the only visible network cable coming out of my ear.
--I'm not to set up "Network Russian Roulette" with a single crossover cable on the box of network cables (I know which is which, but can the dimmer bulbs in the class figure it out?).


Using your pen to stab annoying customers is not recommended.

Do not use customer's change to play Tiddlywinks.

If a customer asks if your till is open, don't reply, "No, I'm just sitting here cuz it's fun! Oh, so much fun to sit here and do sod all!"

As tempting as it is, don't blow up the small plastic bags and pop them behind customers.

Or the manager.

No yelling "Slaphead!" every time you spot a bald or balding customer.

Don't add the word "tubs" every time you speak to an overweight customer.

Touching the till screens just to see "those funny purple circles" is not recommended.

There is no need to test to see if a bouncing baby really does bounce.

Don't stick reduced stickers on collegue's backs.

Singing "Why are we waiting?" as you wait for your relief is never a good idea.

Especially if you try to get customers to sing along with you.

Making spitballs out of discarded till receipts and then flicking them at customers is never a good idea.

Please refrain from writing "I woz ere" on any part of your till/conveyor belt.

It may be boring in the times when there are no customers, but try not to fall asleep or feign sleep accross your tills.

Especially if you're lying along the belt with your head resting on the scales.

The till cleaner sprays are not toys and should not be used as weapons in a water fight.

Slapping the butts of good looking customers is not recommended.

When not using your pen, please don't stick it in your ear.

If you see a customer drop any produce on the floor, it is not a good idea to pick it up, spit on it, then wipe it on your shirt and hand it back to the customer.

The produce boxes may stack easily, but they are not meant to be used as Legos.

Do not, under any circumstances, build yourself a fort using produce boxes.

Especially if you do so during Saturday lunchtime.

Try to not bait customers by standing behind a till, waiting for them to unload their shopping, then walking away.


1.)Playing Lazer tag while on duty as a security officer, no matter how fun, is not appropriate in front of the guests.

2.)Asking the groom of a wedding what bet he lost, is never allowed.

3.)Playing ding dong ditch in the hotel is frowned upon.

4.)So is turning off all the water on one entire side.

5.)At 5 o'clock in the morning.

6.)Telling customers when they order their breakfast that the chef picks his nose is frowned on.

7.)Trying to sneak into the beer cooler to have a quick drink while on duty is not allowed.

8.)A guest telling you that its ok to sneak into the beer cooler is not an excuse.

9.)When yelling at kids for hanging off the 8th story balcony, go ahead and jump is not an appropriate response.

10.)Swimming nude in the pool while on duty is a no-no.

Katie Kaboom

1. Bang on the window when people start flocking to the store the last 20 minutes we're open and tell them to go the %*@%# away so i can go home at midnight!

2. Take away their credit card and tell them if they're too stupid to use the reader correctly they shouldn't have a damn credit card in the first place.

3. Drop kick them out the door on the end of my foot.

4. Lock up all the bigger shopping carts after 11pm (and believe me, i would do this one if i could)

5. Get on the mic at midnight and tell them to get the #$#$% out.

6. Deny the sale of cigarettes to obviously pregnant women.


G01. Not allowed to make fun of southern customer's intelligence.
G02. Even if he (Engineer) can't understand a drawing my (very non-technical) wife can.
G03. Even if he can't understand a drawing my (5-year-old) son can.
G04. Not allowed to threaten to take a clue-by-four to mechanical designer at sister company.
G05. Even if his designs specify that a machine is to pivot through a concrete wall.
G06. Even if his design would cause $2 million damage to a customer's mill.
G07. Even if his designs violate the laws of physics.
G08. Not allowed to take extra breaks to flirt with the hot engineer.
G09. Even if my wife doesn't mind.
G10. Not allowed to print manuals 8 pages per sheet to save paper.
G11. Not allowed to insert every 13th page of a manual upside-down "to keep people on their toes."


(Happened to Co-Worker) When asked to close the roll up doors, but leave them open far enough so customers can get to the garden shop, use the average hight of a customer, not your own. (Co-Worker is 4'10" so they where LOW. laugh.gif )
(Our store is being remodeled) When asked by a Co-Worker, "I wonder what is behind that wall." The proper response is not, "Lets drive the Forklift through and find out."
Not allowed to question the immigration status of the Hispanic AM that everyone hates.
The AM everyone hates is NOT to be refered to as "The F*ck up Fairy" (I started that one, people love it cause it's true.)
The FUF did not get his management degree from a Cracker Jack box.
...or Mexico.
...or any other third world country.
Yes the FUF graduated high school.
The FUF is a US citizen, so stop it with the immigrant jokes.
Stop learning certain Serbo-Croatian words (from the Bosnian refugees that work at our store) and using them to describe the FUF. (Can you tell that we hate this guy. rolleyes.gif )
Not allowed to set the new ceiling fans in the garden center on "10" and walk away. (These are 15 foot, 10 blade fans that are powered by a 3 phase, 240 volt feed. blink.gif We usually set them no higher than 3 so they are POWERFULL. smile.gif )
The rubber band war between the paint counter and the sporting counter must stop.
...Even if we have never hit a customer.

07-08-2006, 06:50 AM

No sex in the coolers or freezers

No jumping onto the railing around the landing at the driver door and yelling "I'm King of the World!"

Even if the company I work for may very well be the Titanic

No flying around in the backroom on a floor buffer while high on Benadryl pretending to be Superman

No putting shoplifters into stocks or pillories outside the store for stoning, even though it was commonplace centuries ago when the first settlers came to the US

No practicing Iranian law on a shoplifter (i.e, cutting off a hand.)

No roller skating is allowed on the aisles

No skateboarding is allowed on the aisles

No standing up in shopping carts as they are being pushed about in the store wielding a roll of salami, screaming "CHARGE!"

No cooking on the salesfloor with a grill by the beercase

No herding customers to your empty lane with a cattle prod, chanting "Mooooooooooo, Mooooooooooo"

Same goes for herding customers out of the store at closing time

No hanging the previous store manager in effigy inside the store as a warning to the next one who takes over

No yelling on the PA "Boston Butts on sale . . . come get your Butts" to increase sales in the market

I cannot require the customers to address me as "Your Royal Highness"

No tents allowed in the freezers

No igloos allowed in the freezers

No standing behind the freezer doors on the frozen aisle holding a Texlon as if pretending to be behind bulletproof glass

No adding to the weekly PA announcement tape "this message will self destruct in five seconds"

Irving Patrick Freleigh

310. Stop referring to members of management as "poster children for birth control"
311. Or "retarded pollocks"
312. I do not have narcolepsy
313. Or Tourette's
314. Do not kick and punch the vending machines when they eat my money
315. Telling management "oh be quiet and have a sense of humor!" usually has the opposite effect.
316. Going down the conveyor belt sitting on a flattened cardboard box will get me fired.
317. Going up the conveyor belt sitting on a flattened cardboard box will NOT get me promoted.
318. Picking my nose on the security camera is not as funny as I think it is.
319. No approved time-off requests for Black Friday or day after X-mas means just that.
320. Not allowed to threaten management with glass shavings in their food if they deny me my requested days off.
321. Stop referring to the training room as "the re-education compound"
322. Not allowed to follow uber-smoking-fan-Freaking-tastically hot chicks around the store under the guise of "I think she's going to try and steal something"
323. Apparently "A little childhood trauma never hurt nobody. Builds character!" is no consolation to the parents of a scared-shitless 5-year-old


You are not allowed to place the "Thirsty for something new?" stickers on your crotch.


Not allowed to shrink-wrap the AMs truck.
Not allowed to have soda on the sales floor.
Having a paint can behind the counter with your soda on it still counts as having soda on the sales floor.
Dito for having it on the paint shaker.
Not allowed to sell candy out of my locker for cheaper than the vending machine. (I can buy it up front for $.30 w/discount, vending machine costs $.65, I sell mine for $50.)
Throwing knives are not to be brought to work.
Throwing pencils and trying to get them stuck in the ceiling tiles is frowned upon.
There is no clandestine war between Coke and Pepsi.
When customers ask why their cell phone reception is so poor in the store, do not say, "Because the building is a giant condom."
Do not use my personal Walkie Talkie to mess with customers who are using their Walkie Talkie to shop.
...even if I am on break.
Not allowed to padlock my cardboard cart to a pilar in the store so customers will stop dumping my cardboard on the ground and stealing my cart.


* Two words...noodle fight.
* I can't participate in a food fight in the grocery section of the store.
* Nor can I instigate it.
* Management won't let me strangle the customers.
* Nor maim them.
* It's impolite to listen to my MP3 while a customer is trying to scream at me.
* *sighs* What do you mean the swimming pools aren't my size?!?!? They fit my little sister!
* No matter HOW much I want to...the sand boxes are not for me..."
* What? My boxcutter isn't a weapon?


Not allowed to complain about one particular 3rd shifter not doing her work.

Not allowed to comment on the fact the one coworker will have had 3 weekends off in a row; when I was interviewing for my job, I was told that the only way you get weekends off consistantly is to have a second job on weekends, which he does not.

Not allowed to flirt with delivery guys and/or customers. (I don't flirt, they flirt with me, and my boss teases me about it.)


I'm still not allowed to beat the P.E teacher

even if I allow everyone else a free hit

I also can't refer to the boss as a 'senile old git'


Not allowed to threaten coworkers with "I KNOW where you work!!!!!!"

Can't say, "You're only picking on me because I'm white!" to my department's assistant manager (only applies if there are customers around)

Can't refer to any of my coworkers as my "unholy minions"

Can't refer to myself as anyone else's "unholy minion"

Saying "This isn't my department" won't get me out of working in the deli, even if I'm the only person scheduled to be working in my own department dry.gif


IM not allowed to tell customers they could get the same cable for a third of the price at wally world

Not allowed to look for a new job on the breakroom computer even if you are on break

Its not a good idea to tell your manager that your looking for a new job when he asks what your doing

You shouldnt tell your manager that he doesnt have "management skills".

Its not a good idea to lose the customer's originals and start making copies of copies

Its really not a good idea to avoid telling your manager that you lost the originals and continue making copies of copies

You probably shouldnt damage stuff just so that you can put it in the damanged and defective bin because you couldnt find where it went.

You shouldnt mention to your manager that its rediulous that it took you 30 min to convince him to come out of the office and help you with something.

You should yell fake "food orders" in the headset when you know a coworker is with a customer

Expecially if you work at an office supply store

You shouldnt ignore customers even if they are really annoying.

You shouldnt claim you have to go to the bathroom just to get another cashier to come to the returns desk and then get back on a register when you come out instead of going back to returns.

You shouldnt stick stuff back in lockup or put it in topstock just because there isnt a place for it. you should make a place.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find behind other stuff.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find in the floor.

You shouldnt throw stuff you cant find into random carts.

You shouldnt give into customers because your tired of hearing it. If its on clearnce for $1.50 and they want it for .75..dont do it because then they will do it EVERYTIME they come in.

However you probably shouldnt tell them this isnt a flea market when they ask for discounts. No matter how bad you want to.

Dont laugh at customers who ask for help because they bought a scanner at a yard sale and it doesnt have a cord.

Dont laugh at customers who ask for help because there dell laptop isnt working.

"WE dont sell dell" is not an excuse for you to avoid helping the above said customer.

Dont laugh at a customer who tries to get you to give them a 100$ laptop bag for $30 because the other one "looks like it" and its $30.

Even if its a different brand and a different size, you are still not aloud to laugh.

Your not aloud to tell your district manger that your store manager only comes out of the office when he's expecting him. i wish...


I'm not allowed to say, "Drown, you bastards," when watering the office plants.


I am not allowed to take either my computer or anyone else's computer apart.
I am not allowed to wear shorts on casual day.
I am not allowed to head butt anyone, even softly as a joke.


I and a bunch of other people were moved to different desks yesterday, because our supervisors are evil. Anyway, here's more to add.

~Not allowed to tell supervisors they are evil for moving me to another desk with a crappy computer.

~Not allowed to scream that the computer is possessed by Satan. Especially when the co-worker at the next desk is religious.

~Not allowed to pretend or to try to strangle myself with my phone cord.

~Not allowed to strangle the supervisors with it either.

~Not allowed to toss the computer out the non opening windows, calling it a day and going home.

~Not allowed to try to start a revolt.

~Not allowed to tell my passive aggressive supervisor that if she doesn't stay away from me I will eat her soul.

07-08-2006, 06:51 AM

Hmmm . . .

I'm not allowed to tell the DM I think he's an idiot

Same goes for the Ratfink, even if he does have a brown rash taking over his body

I can't stick a carrot to my head with super glue and pretend to be the Last Unicorn

I can't call for the guys in the white coats to remove customers from the store who make false accusations and/or act bizarre

I can't make a sign in shoe polish reading "I assure you we're open"

I can't close the store during business hours to go shopping at the big red office supply store three doors down

I can't write out a blank check for any of the beer or wine delivery persons and make them out to them personally

I can't take the trash left in my area by other departments and dump them back into their departments b/c I'm tired of their laziness

I can't take the eggs out of the cartons in the dairy case and place them in a nest with a live hen sitting on top of them to sell fresh laid eggs

By that same token, I can't tie a cow to the milk section of the dairy case to sell fresh, self-serve milk

I also cannot bring in a few head of cattle to promote self-serve beef either

I can't pour cooking oil all over the aisles and create a skating rink

No impromptu rock concerts in the store while wearing mop heads as wigs and using broom handles as microphones

No building forts in the backroom using the empty pallets and/or milk crates


Not allowed to ask to go home early five minutes before I clock in for the day.

Not allowed to mute my phone and make faces at it.

Flipping off a phone is not helping the work environment.

Nor is learning sign language for two words that rhyme 'Muck too'.

Not allowed to talk incessantly about the smell of cordite.

Russian accents are a no no.

Work is not the best place to talk about the office building section of FEAR(first person shooter! Woo!)

Not allowed to ask if I can take my break 'When it's scheduled.'

Or to ask if I can go home at the time I'm scheduled to five minutes after clocking in.

Our new scheduling system does not run on second rate magic.


Not allowed to request a personal day to 'deal with' my computer

Scotch taping my mouth shut will not get me out of talking to people


No dancing on top of the Customer Service desk - clothed or not

No throwing limes in the Produce prep room (actually witnessed this today. My WiseGuy was being a wiseguy.) tongue.gif

No throwing oranges in the Produce prep room (this also happened today, believe it or not.)

No pelting unsalable canned goods into the dumpster if someone is in there, no matter how tempting it may be

No giving out lottery tickets for free

No taking the cats to work because I can't find a petsitter

No handing out matches to a disgruntled coworker who is tempted to set the store on fire and tell him/her "Have fun"


no encouraging students to pull the fire alarm!

Victim of Customer Service

Whipped cream cannisters are for garnishing drinks, not waging war on your co-workers.

When asked "Do you work here?" the proper response is not "No, I mean mugged an employee and stole her shit."

I am not permitted to stab rude people in the face.

I am not permitted to take the cafe apart just so I can clean under the counters.

I am not permitted to refer to a notoriously bad customer as "The wretched bitch".

The word "butt" is not acceptable when using the PA.

I am not allowed to bring a customer a cheap glass of wine because I don't like them.

Even though it's true, I am not allowed to tell my co-worker he's a complete git.

I cannot pet the cute gamer guys that come in to buy books.

I shouldn't inform a fellow co-worker that "they're real" in front of my boss (A friend of mine did this).

I cannot hang out in the back room all day.

Even if another manager gave me permission.

I am not allowed to make customers wash their hands before I wait on them.

I am not allowed to ask customers "Are you or just retarded???" when they can't find the information desk (middle of the store, in direct view of the entryway, and labeled with a HUGE red sign)

Nor am I allowed to refer to them as "Captain Oblivious".

When an angry SC yells "You can call God!" the proper response is to apologize for the trouble, it is not to inform him that I did, and he "asked me to tell you to stop calling him, as he has transferred care of you to Satan."

Telling the doctor they are a complete moron for prescribing not only the wrong dose, but the wrong medication all together, is inappropriate.

I can not shake the bottles of narcotics and guess how many is in each one, the state requires I count them all individually.


Not allowed to name names when telling new people about various rumors involving management.

Not allowed to find out the original ringleader of an incident involving a small group of guys, a car, and a guy no one likes.

Not allowed to say "Take me with you!!!!!!" to my department manager as he prepares to leave just as I'm getting ready to start my shift.

Not allowed to call one of the cops Sgt. Sodomy.

Not allowed to refer to V as a eunich, even if he doesn't know what it means, and as far as I know, it's most likely true.

Not allowed to complain about the masses of old folks on their shopping day.

Not allowed to shout "Release the hounds!!!!!!" when people come RUNNING into the store the second the doors are unlocked.

Not allowed to challenge coworkers to duels with the big knives. (Did I mention this one yet?)

As always, I'm sure there will be more to follow.


Not allowed to refer to Hot Topic and Starbucks as Mordor and Isengard.

Not allowed to refer to Supervisor as Sauron.

Not allowed to refer to insuborbent employees as Gandalf.

Jules Of All Trades

Not allowed to have my 3 year old handle my conference call for me because I have better things to do.

Can't threaten to release confidential information just for kicks, or extort money for keeping my mouth shut.

Can't invite co-workers to my house for Happy Hour...at lunchtime.

No muting the phone during a conference call and mocking everyone on it.

Calling my boss "Chief" isn't as funny to him as it is to me.

Playing Gamecube with the kids while on the phone with customers is a bit distracting and should be avoided.

Telling customers they'll get their new laptop "when I damn well please" probably isn't appropriate.


Not allowed to declare it 'Talk like a pirate day' when working on the phone in sales.


arranging a covert mission to take over the storage room is frowned upon


Not allowed to make water balloons for the kiddies.

Not allowed to make water balloons for the guys in grocery, either.

Not allowed to make myself stickers that say "Free to a good home" and place them on my work apron.

Meowing like a cat in heat is not professional.

"Burn the place and start over" is not a recommended option of cleaning the back room.


Calling the customer no one can stand, a word that rhymes with her last name and a word associated with green faces and warts will get management on my butt quickly.

(No offense to wiccans or pagans meant, but the word sounds FAR too simaler to her name)

I am also not allowed to spike the sodas of hyperactive children with sedatives. (Joking, never would)


The student from Hades.,.. ye gods. Her last name was eerily similar to Menace.

This is a girl that wasn't in her room for three work orders in a row. Showed up for one, then missed another 3.


Not allowed to train monkeys to show customers how easy it is to work the pumps and/or to show coworkers how to do their jobs.

07-08-2006, 06:51 AM
The Original "List". I found this original copy of Mr. Rude's list on a long forgoten .txt file on one of my hard drives.

1: If I giggle about something for more than 10 seconds, I can't say or do it.
2: Changing bosses homepage to a porn site is bad.
3: Suscribing him to same is worse.
4: Ditto for having the magazines delivered to the store.
5: Putting bits of metal & jingly things in an empty monitor box, walking by the boss tripping, dropping & looking very surprised at the the sounds that eminate from same....bad.
6: Same for an iMac G5 20" (retail @ $2000).
7: Offering to teach the bosses kids how to smoke.
8: Not allowed to "size up a nice strong beam" to hang self from.
9: Bad to be polite & offer boss rope first.
10: Upon seeing an old lady with a printer walk in the door (tech issues as always) not allowed to fake a seizure.
11: Or deafness, blindness, any other type of malady.
12: Do not answer the GM by saying " Yes my colonel" & clicking heels together.
13: ....or "your highness"
14: The inventory guy is not "pimp daddy"
15: Offering to erase a customers harddrive with a hammer is a no-no.
16: Telling customers it's ok to put ther kids pictures on the side of a computer with magnets.
17: When a customer asks for a deal, raising the price is not to be done.
18: Or handing them a competitors flyer.
19: Giving the finger behind a customers back is not an acceptable way to wave good-bye.
20: Same for mouthing bad words at the same time.
21: Forwarding all technical calls to sales manager is funny, but not to be done.
22: I do not have jedi powers.
23: I am not a shaman, witch doctor or a snake charmer.
24: Threatening to "invoke the rath of the gods" when refused a smoke break is a no-no too.
25: Yelling out "As was fortold in the prophesy" after making a sale is frowned upon.
26: I can't close the store when I feel like it.
27: Ditto for opening.
28: Doing a "victory jig" in conjunction with #25 isn't nice.
29: Making up my own dialogue to any movie playing with no volume.
30: Especially to the "Gilligans island 2nd season" dvd.
31: Stop referring to the internet as an "urban myth".
32: When asked if we sell printer ink, the answer is not, "maaaaaaybeee".....followed by shifty glances.
33: Printer paper is not sold by the sheet.
34: I cannot warranty the contents of my lunchbag.
35: Antivirus software does not "keep the devil out".
36: Nor does turning a monitor to face a wall...
37: Flicking the power switch off & on about 30 times is not a prescribed method of handling tech issues.
38: Neither is taking 2 aspirin & calling back in the morning.
39: It's not nice to keep pictures of co-workers children in your wallet to garner sympathy from customers.
40: .....& gloat about it later.
41: Extended warranties do not cover in-laws. Or pets.
42: I am not Nefertiti reincarnated.
43: Of course, referring to oneself in the 3rd person must stop. Now.
44: The dishwasher is meant for the STORE dishes. Not for items from home. This includes clothing.
45: Putting beer in the fridge to save a trip after work.
46: That includes coolers, wine or hard liquor too. Or a whole chicken.
47: I am not able to "exorcise" the demons out of a computer, cellphone or ipod.
48: Nelson laugh.
49: A bar of soap isn't a lethal weapon.
50: ......unless it's in a sock.
51: Wireless routers will not broadcast your personal info across the city....Stop telling that to the seniors.
52: Personal hygiene is not "optional".
53: DVD burners cannot open a wormhole. Stop telling children that.
54: Offer kids a buck to go kick a co-worker in the shins.
55: Especially during a BIG sale.
56: Crickets are nice in the country, not in a store.
57: Shuffling feet on a carpet & going through the tech area charging a ransom claiming to be the "Archduke of static".
58: Dropped harddrives can't be sold. Even if they make "cool sounds".
59: When ringing up sale & giving final price I cannot include the phrase "Plus tip of course".
60: .....even at a measly %10.
61: Threatening to "frag" supervisors with waterballoons is silly..
62: ... same goes for maple syrup ballons
63: "Duck & cover" is not a customer service method.
64: Neither is "light & get away".
65: Other peoples open e-mail accounts are not toys.
66: No spongebaths in the staffroom sink. Ever again.
67: I cannot "Claim this land for Spain" then eat all the lunches in the fridge.
68: No pants, no paycheck.
69: Stop crossing out names in the phonebook while reading the obits. It creeps out the new guys.
70: I am not Don Rickles love child.
71: Stop referring to corporate types as "agents of lucifer".
72: .....on conference calls.
73: We do not accept barter goods or pelts in trade.
74: Poor taste to hide in the back, watch the monitors & wait for someone to look at a high margin item, then run out & score the sale.
75: Call in "too well" to work today.
76: I cannot sell shares in the company.
77: The company "prez" & I are not "homies".
78: Virus protection is not referred to as "layin the smack down on that shizz".
79: Whistling the "Kill Bill" song on the sales floor is not "polite".
80: Neither is "Uncle F**ka" by Terrance & Philip from South park.
81: "When in doubt, whip it out" applies to skydiving, not retail.
82: "Stop, drop & roll" applies to neither.
83: When faced with a group of customers to help, "ennie, meenie, miny, moe" is not considered a professional method of chosing one.
84: As is making them draw straws.
85: Or guessing the number that I'm thinking of.
86: After making a big sale, saying "owned".
87: The shop is not a "laggy server".
88: Also, I am not the consol, so therefore, I can't "boot" people.
89: No pornographic emoticons.
90. Upgrade an etch-a-sketch? No can do.
91: Payroll lady is not the "Funk queen of the galaxy".
92: Neither am I.
93: Describing in detail sexual manoeveurs such as the "fishhook" or "the jelly doughnut" is offensive to some. Please refrain from doing this.
94: IR remotes will not sterilize me, therefore, aluminum foil underwear is "not part of dress code".
95: Stop putting items such as "Free flux capacitor" on system quotes.
96: Get that out of your nose.
97: Get that out of your ear.
98: Get down from there.
99: Stop handing out phone books to kids at halloween.
100: Cardboard is also not part of our "dress code".
101: I cannot invent new numbers.
102: When asked "out of 10 systems sold, how many will end up coming back for service during their lifetime" the answer is not "11".
103: Start high end systems in safe mode & leaving them on display.
104: "No" does not mean "maybe".
105: "Maybe" does not mean "yes".
106: Stop calling supervisors mom & dad.
107: Referring to your division boss as a "special ed dropout" is impolite.
108: Especially when talking to customers.
109: I do not have agoraphobia & should get out on the sales floor.
110: Don't make "cha-ching" sounds on the sales floor.
111: Just because I play Lineage 2, it does not make me superior to all WOW players.
112: I can't get a "speak & spell" to run XP, Mac OS 10.4 or Linux.
113: Gluing macaroni to a POS cellphone & painting it gold does not make it work better.
114: Security tags belong on product, not stuck to people you don't like.
115: Stop trying to sell display fixtures. This includes staff also.
116: Bad to give customers other staff extensions to call "whenever" they need technical help.
117: Also bad to say that same staff will do onsite work for free.
118: Stop faking, we all know you can speak english.
119: Inform customers that we do have a mess of Xbox 360's coming in at a discount, please call ( insert other sales ext. # ).
120: Switch the "N' & "M" keys on other peoples keyboards.
121: Turn the contrast on a monitor all the way down (or up) & wait for a brainiac to call the service guys in to fix it.
122: "Kick me" signs are childish.
123: Edit posts on online forums.
124: Especially ones that bash customers...
125: Fashion a bullwhip out of RJ45 cables.
126: Fashion a noose out of cat5 cable ( see # 8 & 9 ).
127: Not allowed to go home because I "Lathered, rinsed but couldn't remember if I repeated".
128: Put 64 megs of ram on a demo system.
129: Tell customer I have a loaner cell phone for them, then produce 2 tin cans on a string.
130: Stop wincing every time someone has a "Mac" question.
131: Captain Kirk speak equals bad.
132: Spoooocccckkkk!!!
133: Switching number keys on other peoples numeric section of keyboard.
134: No elves live inside of the computer towers.
135: No cursing in foreign languages. That includes klingon.
136: Hungover is not my natural state.
137: Power supplies are not supposed to crackle or make blue sparks.

Mr. Rude
07-10-2006, 07:14 PM
Sweet!! :D

....Although, I did save the list this time... :lol:

Thanks again Crosshair :yourock:

07-11-2006, 03:20 AM
Mr. Rude, you must be one helluva employee.

Well...entertaining at the very least haha. I printed out an edited version of the list (that can apply to supermarkets) and brought it into work. I gave it to our resident troublemaker, and he said he's done or could see himself doing just about everything on that list. That made me proud :)

07-16-2006, 03:04 AM
242. No singing of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" when two people of the opposite or same sex use the elevator {corrected for inclusiveness.} (:

07-16-2006, 07:29 AM
- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
- Not allowed to play with the focus
- Not allowed to stop the movie and try and rewind it because I wanna see that part again
-Not allowed to tell customers they should show up on time next time
-to tell people their taste in movies sucks.
-to have popcorn fights in concession
-to put ice cubes down the back of my co-workers
-to do "theatre checks" in one theatre for 45 minutes at a time
-to tell customers that don't know what movie they want to go to the back of the line
-to tell customers that stand in line for 10 min at concession and still don't know what they want that the menu in fact DOESN'T shift as you get closer to it
-to have epic duels using the brooms as swords/lightsabers
-to surf on the handcarts
-to skateboard on the removable wheels from the garbage cans
-to throw customers out for being smelly
-to take customer's coupons for that other place and throw them out as I explain the difference in the chains
-to call parents idiots for taking their 5 year old to violent or sexually explict films
-to tell people a movie sucks AFTER they bought their tickets
-However, I can tell them beforehand
-when customers complain about prices, I cannot tell them to go to Blockbuster instead
-cannot call people idiots for not checking the dates the times in the paper apply to
-cannot tell customers we didn't get a movie "Because we knew you wanted to see it"
-cannot turn off all the lights in a theatre while my co-workers are cleaning it
-cannot tell customers to leave because it's 12:30 or later at frick'en night
-I can however follow 5 steps behind until they leave
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.

07-18-2006, 01:25 AM
Lethal weapons are not permitted to deal with unruly customers.

Neither is non-lethal

If it can be labelled a weapon, I can't bring it in.

07-18-2006, 01:34 AM
-Shouting "Hoo Yah, Master Chief!" when given your list of assignments/projects for the day.

-Threatening to tie up a coworker with the new checkout rope if he misbehaves.

-Stomping on pallets to get the wood to break.

-Swiping a flatbed to put random, misc. stuff on it when someone else obviously needs it more than you.

-Talking about explosives or caustic chemicals when customers are nearby.

-Jamming me in the pancreas with the shopping cart.

07-18-2006, 05:48 PM
I am no longer allowed to put price tags from the hot foods department on my night supervisor's butt, and let him walk around the store (in front of ownership, management, and customers).

Not allowed to laugh my ass off when he's telling me not to do that, and describing how a male customer offered to pull the sticker off. (But my department manager laughed, too!!!!!!!!!!!)

Not allowed to give coworkers permission to use the sink in the produce back room as a makeshift shower when it's hot outside.

07-19-2006, 12:56 AM
- Not allowed to make shadow puppets in the light from the movie projectors
-I cannot blame change-stealing gnomes when my till is less than a dollar off, or evaporation if I'm $5 or more short.
Wow, I am guilty of about 90% of those :devil:

To add some:
-Not allowed to have an impromptu hockey game with brooms, buckets, and wadded up paperwork.
-Not allowed to surf on the hand carts
-Not allowed to take the phone off the hook during the rush.
-Not allowed to bring laptop in to surf the net during the slow days
-Even if the SM does it.
-When people complain about the price of admission, not allowed to suggest that they go home and watch TV.
-Same goes for reminding them that most other theaters charge $8 or more for admission.
-Not allowed to point out stupidity of corporate policies in front of RM.
-Not allowed to suggest Jim Beam tap be installed instead of Diet Coke
-Do not suggest installing remote trip wires to take care of running children.
-Leave the baseball bat in the trunk.
-And the tire iron.
-We cannot spoil boxes of candy because the crew is hungry.
-Having a pizza delivered while the RM is there . . . bad idea (although he could be bribed with the offer of sharing).
-Same goes for subs.
-Do not tweak the water fountain so that people get a face full.
-Not allowed to play baseball with empty (snuck in) pop bottles while cleaning.
-Definitely not allowed to point out stupidity of management.

I may remember some more "no-no's" later.

07-21-2006, 05:26 AM
Mine are parking lot related:

-Stop making lightsaber noises with the traffic flashlights.
-Don't sing the Oompa Loompa song when your boss is around
-Do not hides cones in bushes to confuse coworkers you do not like
-Stop cutting people off on the radio even if we do hate the person talking
-Don't drive the trucks like you're in New York City
-Do not get girls phone numbers when directing traffic, even if she is interested in you
-Do not act like an astronaut when wearing the snowsuits
-Do not play drums on the barrels with your hands or any object you find
-Quit making up religions when working religious conferences
-Swearing at customers in Japanese has got to stop
-Same goes with coworkers
-Quit sending people the wrong way on purpose no matter how bored you are
-Don't take food from your mom even if she works at the arena also and she gives your supervisor food
-Do not say that the team I work for sucks and suggest other sports to follow
-Stop making up tour names for the concert that is taking place
-No, you cannot bring your sword to slash a customer's tire even if they deserve it
-Leave your pocketknife at home too
-Stop impersonating coworker's voices no matter how funny it is
-Quit singing Bob Dylan's Maggie's Farm when working
-Same goes for Beck's Soul Suckin Jerk
-Don't throw snowballs at a customer's car or supervisor
-Stop using the cones as a way to amplify your voice
-Do not pass around the Department of Labor phone number
-Quit wearing a different name tag for each event
-Do not tell customers where the scalpers hang out
-Quit telling customers to learn how to read no matter how dumb they are
-Do not criticize the customer's car
-No dancing to the music playing from the outdoor theaters
-I can't hit on my coworker even though there are 5 others doing the same thing and more
-Stop playing soccer with any random object
-Same goes for frisbee
-Do not intimidate the customers by picking up a light barrel and holding it over your head to prove a point
-Stop making cracks about the executives
-Quit confusing my boss with words I know and he doesn't
-Don't tell customers that we charge for parking because we're entertained by their reactions
-Quit singing songs that annoy the crap out of our coworkers
-Quit speaking to customers in riddles
-Do not make jokes about our equipment managers
-Don't say there is a BS in boss to my boss
-Quit hiding my long hair in a hat
-Stop saying the customer's taste in music sucks
-Making anagrams of my coworkers names and putting it on the shift board is not allowed
-Do not laugh at customers who don't know that general and regular have the same meaning
-Trash duty is not Puke Time
-Suggesting that one of the female supervisors wants the guys to be eunuch is not allowed or true
-Even if most of my department agrees with me
-Suggesting to go shirtless is not allowed no matter how hot it is
-Pointing out cosmetic surgery on customers is not funny
-Even if my coworker is doing the same
-Telling new people that they signed a death wish is not funny
-Ditto for selling their soul
-Suggesting that we burn one of the old trucks is not allowed
-Same goes with destroying it with a sledgehammer
-Wearing female name tags is not funny
-I am not allowed to tell the customers to show up early so I can go home early
-Do not point out the customer's bad taste in clothes
-Wearing my favorite soccer team's hat is not allowed
-Singing I want to Break Free needs to stop
-Saying that there is a porno going on in a customer's car over the radio needs to stop
-Stop doing sudoku puzzles when you're working
-Water fights are not allowed
-Making up your own cultures is not a good idea
-Lifting a stack of 25 cones and waving them around is grounds for termination
-Having an obstacle course set up for the cars is not allowed and will get me suspended
-Stop playing horseshoes with the cones
-Giving the peace sign to customers shouldn't be done
-Even though the show is a hippie festival and they've been flashing it at me
-Taking pictures of other departments slacking off will get us in trouble
-Even if we're going to show them to the boss to tell him to lighten when there's a group of 2 and they have a group of 50
-Using soccer defensive tactics to stop customers from cutting through the chains is not allowed.
-Even if some supervisors like the idea.
-The limos do not carry "pre-drunks"
-The restaurant bus did not learn how to drive from NYC cab drivers.
-Suggesting to a supervisor to get his own radio station is not a good idea.
-Even if he hogs the radio waves and the whole department agrees.
-It is not a good idea to give common sense lessons to customers that forget their cash.
-Calling one of the supervisors a "frat idiot" is not allowed.
-Even if he is one and tries to give others his work.
-The supervisor's son is not a slacker or a weakling.
-Even though he does slack and whines about how much cones he has to pick up.
-Playing football in the parking lot is not allowed.
-Despite the fact that the manager in charge BROUGHT a football.
-I am not the Parking version of the "Soup Nazi"
-Adressing the ex-Navy supervisor as Admiral? Bad idea
-Playing soccer with a kickball you found inside the building is not a great idea
-Stop looking up words in the dictionary to confuse customers with
-The new employees do not get initiated
-Corporate is not run by drunk monkeys
-Even if their policies look like they are run by them
-Leaving love notes for the FCC over the radio isn't funny
-Our department head is not a gossiper
-My supervisor is not the definition of a weasel. Even if he is one
-The old truck is not to be junked
-Even if it has caught fire twice and somehow survived
-Writing out a crowd type book for certain events is not funny
-The rain gear pants are not martial arts pants

07-22-2006, 10:30 AM
Things I am not allowed to do at the bars or restaurants I have worked at:

1. Full length hooded black capes are NOT part of the uniform.
2. Neither are swords.
3. Or pellet guns.
4. Or water guns, fun though they may be.
5. I shouldn't tell the guests that I am "in tight" with Jim, Jack, and Jose.
6. Or laugh at the customers who don't get that joke.
7. Or laugh at large customers when they order a 7 course meal...and a Diet Coke.
8. I shouldn't laugh at my boss behind his back.
9. Or to his face.
10. I probably should not ask my boss's boss "how's it hanging?"
11. Or tell him his girlfriend/wife is a hottie.
12. There is no illness that requires me to take "medicinal" shots of liquor at while I am working.
13. This is not David Letterman. Cut it out with the "Stupid Tray Tricks."
14. I should not break down laughing when I open my paycheck in front of customers.
15. Or in tears.
16. People who don't want another round are not "pansies." Or "cowards."
17. I should not take out an ad in "Soldier of Fortune" for a mercenary to take out my boss. No matter how much I feel he/she deserves it.
18. Easter Sunday is not a good day to wait tables in roller blades.
19. Or while wearing my bicycle helmet.
20. Sliding a mug of beer all the way down the bar to a waiting patron? Not recommended.
21. I should not tell customers about the dead body my manager found that morning....before I tell them about that day's meat specials.
22. It is probably a bad idea to make fun of the tourists....where they can hear me.
23. I will not don a HazMat suit to serve that one customer his "extra extra extra extra spicy" wings.
24. Today's special is NOT "free tequila for the kids!"
25. I should not ask an unruly child if he has any younger brothers or sisters, and when he answers yes, ask "You ever wonder WHY?"
26. I should not tell parents of unruly children that our city has a leash law.
27. I should not get scantily clad women to dance on the bar.
28. At breakfast.
29. Our company motto is NOT "Come in, sit down, order, shut up, eat, pay, tip, get out!"
30. Playing Ultimate Frisbee with cocktail trays in the dining room is frowned upon.
31. Even more so with plates.
32. Juggling bottles is not a good idea.
33. Especially when I am not standing on any mats or carpet.
34. Strip poker really needs to wait until after hours.
35. I am not allowed to throw the change in the face of the cheap people who leave JUST coin change for a tip. On a large bill. No matter how much I am justified.
36. While I AM allowed to put a curse on annoying and/or cheap people and their families for ten generations, I am NOT allowed to do so OUT LOUD WHERE THEY CAN HEAR ME.
37. I really shouldn't tell trainees, "This is how management WANTS us to do something...but this is how we REALLY do it."
38. Breakdancing during the dinner rush in the middle of the dining room? Not endorsed.
39. I am not permitted to offer guests "joost a waifer theen meent...."
40. Making smiley faces on their dessert is vaguely funny. On their steak it's not.
41. We do NOT serve fermunda cheese!
42. "Live long and prosper" is not the company endorsed way to say goodbye to our patrons!
43. Neither is "May the force be with you," "Go forth and multiply," or "Sig Heil!" Especially not that last one.
44. While I am allowed to wear a costume on Halloween, wearing only roller skates and going as a "pull toy" is NOT an appropriate costume!
45. We do not refer to the liquor as "tasty toxins."
46. A sundae without nuts is not a "female sundae."
47. "Splitting the check" does NOT mean ripping the bill in two and giving each party half!
48. I cannot snicker uncontrallably when a woman aks for "extra pickles."
49. Ditto for cucumbers.
50. And nuts.
51. A Grey Goose and Red Bull is NOT a "Farmyard Special!"
52. There is never an appropriate time to play "chicken."
53. He is the cook or the chef. He is not "The Culinary Mack Daddy!"
54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"
55. When guests ask me to suggest something good, I cannot direct them to our competitor.
56. Or draw them a map.
57. Sitting down on the job is frowned upon. Sitting down on the guests is strictly forbidden.
58. I should not tell guests that we "discontinued" our bathroom.
59. I will not tell guests who ask for change to "try listening to more jazz."
60. I will not ask a large woman drinking a Dutch beer if she is "ready for another Heiny."
61. Same with a stoner and "more Bud."
62. Marilyn Manson is NOT appropriate breakfast rush music.
63. When I'ma delivering pasta to-a the table, I willa notta put onna cheezy fake Italiano accent.
64. Lobby. Polka. No. Bad Jester. BAD Jester!
65. I will not introduce myself to a table as Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, or Richard Ramirez. Even if that actually IS my name.
66. I cannot use a "blowgun" made from a straw and toothpicks on those who annoy me.
67. I definitely cannot use a real blowgun. Pity.
68. There are many acceptable responses to "Are you open?" "To what?" is not one of them.
69. I probably should not mock people who order light beer by referring to it as "water with beer-flavor added." The truth notwithstanding.

07-23-2006, 12:10 AM
Thanks for saving the original list . . . I just thought of a couple more to add:

No playing hockey on the rooftop during business hours

No closing the store to go to a funeral home, either.

I'm surprised these two hadn't already made it to the list.


07-23-2006, 02:49 AM
Mad props and warm fuzzies to DGoddess for the Clerks references!!!!! :worship: :super: :yourock: :worship:

07-23-2006, 05:03 AM
54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"


07-24-2006, 04:11 AM
70. I probably should not, upon leaving work within view of customers, pump my fists in the air triumphantly and shout "FREEDOM!"

I probably shouldn't....but I quite often DO! :devil:

08-02-2006, 01:56 PM
-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

-Nor may I offer to push the button for her after she climbs in.

-If I am dealing with two angry phone customers I am not allowed to patch them both into a three way call and listen while they abuse each other:

"I called you!"

"No, I called you. Moron!"


-Even if the boss finds the idea just as funny as I do.

08-03-2006, 08:12 PM
-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

LMAO . . .I need no ideas.

Let me add this little ditty . . .

No playing Superman with the floor machine while high on Benadryl (I actually witnessed this being done by a store manager of all people.):eek:

08-22-2006, 09:05 PM
1.) If asked by an applicant if it matters that they are charged with something, but not convicted; I am not allowed to laugh.
2.) -I am not allowed to tell everyone about it either.
3.) While the applicant is still at the computer.
4.) Free samples are for the customers.
5.) If I have to ask for something with the words "Uh, could I talk with you a second?" I'm not getting it.
6.) Saran wrap on the toilets is not funny.
7.) Nor is a stink bomb just under the rim.
8.) When called on the in house phone, do not ask the customer to hold on while I flush.
9.) Do not randomly lock the unisex bathroom.
10.) With myself inside.
11.) Telling a customer that herbicide only kills the bad plants because it is smart, is wrong.
12.) So is convincing them to buy a bottle of it to spray over their new seed to prevent weeds from coming up.
13.) Electric fork lifts are not called "Star Wars."
14.) It is not okay to stage the Trench scene from Star Wars in the back ailse. I don't care how cool it is.
15.) If it does not fit in the fridge, do not force it.
16.) Do not tell others what color your hair is, and then prove it. (not talking head).
17.) Making out in the parkinglot is a no no.
18.) Screaming like you're being killed when working outside the compactor and you hear it cycle, is not funny and will get you terminated.
19.) Do not put coke cans in the microwave.
20.) Same goes for light bulbs. I don't care how neat it looks.
21.) Do not put microwave pop corn in the microwave and then wander off.
22.) If I smell smoke, the proper thing to do is not scream. "Man the life boats!"
23.) Fire is bad.
24.) Laughing when management forgets to close the paint door on the shaker, will have me mopping it up.
25.) Do not refer to customer color choices as "Puke Green."
26.) "Bloody Tampon Red."
27.) "Heroin Addict White."
28.) Do not grind up the plaster board and try to convince new guys it's coke.
29.) No asking for a cup of thinner in a styrafoam cup.
30.) When asked where receiving is, I am not allowed to take it myself.
31.) Returns should not be met with a laugh after the customer explains the problem.
32.) A ball peen hammer never solves anything.
33.) Customer service has NOT been outsourced to India.
34.) Don't look at me that way.
35.) If you can't ask for it with a straight face, you don't need it.
36.) Do not puke in the parkinglot when sick. Call in first.
37.) Do not drop frogs through the cash office slot. Just to hear the girl inside scream.
38.) I don't care how funny it is. Don't do it.
39.) If you have to ask for clarification, you weren't paying attention.
40.) You can not get workers comp for a paper cut.
41.) Nor emotional trauma.

08-23-2006, 09:10 PM
Things I was not allowed to do in the research lab:

1. No answering the phone, "Epstein-Barr and grill. How may I help you?"

2. While on the street moving between buildings, no flapping my lab coat like wings and cackling evilly when the tourist trolleys go by.

3. Even if it will make really good picture for their slide shows.

4. LB amp plates are fine. LB amp cockroach plates are not.

5. Even if the cockroach was dead when found and the autoclave sterilized it; this in no way justifies freaking out the boss.

6. Labelling a bottle "not necessarily distilled water" to give a co-worker pause about stealing my distilled water is a violation of OSHA regulations.

7. As well as the Boston Fire code.

8. So is putting a biohazard warning sticker on it.

9. Speaking of OSHA, pointing out to the hospital safety rep. that following his directions to move the bottle of acid from the floor to a shelf will give it more potential energy is not appreciated.

10. Dry ice is not a toy.

11. Nor is liquid nitrogen.

12. Even if it creates a really cool-looking fog effect.

13. Fire VERY bad.

08-27-2006, 03:36 AM
1) Always be sure to check that the ash trays are cool before dumping them into the garbage can.

2) When demonstrating your ability to think of cross-merchandise display items to your grocery manager, don't suggest building a display including peanut butter, Reddi-Wip, and condoms.

3) Don't use the fact that you make the bathroom smell so bad nobody will want to enter it as an excuse to take a nap in there.

4) Failure to bring my famous cobbler to the store picnic will result in termination, carried out personally by the DM or the president of the company, both who have become addicted.

5) Must not laugh and tell all co-workers when the diabetic DM informs me that his wife was in a panic when he tested his sugar after eating my cobbler.

6) Must not refer to the president of the company as "the Dark Lord Wilki-mort"

7) Must not flirt with the chip vendors

8) Especially when the chip vendor in question is the girlfriend of one of the beer vendors.

9) Must not shrink-wrap and window chalk a co-worker's vehicle.

10) Must not eat a stick of butter

11) Even for $10

12) Especially when the person offering the $10 is probably not going to give it to you.

13) The samples are for customers

14) Even if you bring a good chunk of money to that department buying their products every week

15) Even though they made a point of saying in our customer service classes that employees are customers too, and in fact our best customers, and are still customers even when on the clock and should always be treated as such

16) Not allowed to make fun of the free donuts recorded announcement over the PA (part of our anniversary celebration)

17) Even if the "mmmmm.... enjoy!" does sound a little... um... questionable in intent

18) The pallet jacks are not scooters

19) Not allowed to put water bottles in the lift part of the scisor lift and drop it to make a water cannon

20) Probably a bad idea to make the new guy catch full cases of butter dropped from the third rack

08-28-2006, 05:06 AM
OK, I just spent a week in Williston, North Dakota helping them setup their new store. I didn't have internet access for a whole week.:runaway: Anyway, here are some of mine I got from there.

When reading the "Rule board" and seeing that cursing is not allowed, the proper response is not, "Aw f*ck."

Not allowed to use company computers to surf the internet, even if I am on break.

Must not build stuff with the "All Purpose" Flour.

"Zone defence" does not involve hiding behind shelves and shooting co-workers with a Nerf gun.

When asked, after looking at the backroom of the old store, "What do you want to do first", the proper responce is not, "Call OSHA"

Ditto for "Call the Fire Marshall."

Do not replace the electricians colored markers with crayons.

Even if the electrician thinks it's funny.

Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

Not allowed to nap in the server room during break. (It's nice and toasty in there.)

Do not put bubble wrap in the bailer.

Even if it, "Makes a cool sound."

I'll have to remember more of them later. I had a great time there.

08-28-2006, 04:18 PM
Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

When I read these, I giggled until I cried.

09-05-2006, 04:04 PM
A post I made for another topic reminded me of this one...

I cannot wander around my place of employment holding up a cup and saying "Alms for the poor" to my coworkers.

Apocalypse Cookie
09-09-2006, 02:23 AM
In general:

1) God forbid the words "You might be a redneck if" or "Here's your sign" ever leave my mouth while on the clock.

2) No matter how much the recipient deserves it.

As a giftwrapper:

1) I may not hoard customers' items in the back room and pretend I am a fire-breathing dragon from the days of yore.

2) Pretending to be a robot is also out of the question.

3) Covering myself with wrapping paper and claiming to be practicing to go out as a present next Halloween is a bad idea.

4) It's also a waste of good wrapping paper.

5) When I have to wrap a panini press (or other deceptively heavy object), I should not exaggerate the effort of lifting the box, nor ask if the guys put bricks in the box as a joke again.

6) When the guy who looks like an out-of-uniform Santa Claus comes, I am not allowed to ask him if I can have a boyfriend for Christmas.

As a bakery worker/bagger:

1) While answering a request that would break the store rules with "No, sir/ma'am," or "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir/ma'am," is acceptable, continuing with a conspiratorial whisper of anything along the lines of "Big Brother is watching," followed by a nod at the security cameras, probably isn't.

2) A question regarding the location of a product is not to be answered with "In here, somewhere."

3) A customer's purchases are not to be referred to as 'junk' or 'garbage'.

4) Even if they are.

5) When asked if bread can be sliced in a thickness other than the two choices available/if the bread slicers can have the slice width adjusted, "That's what knives were invented for" is not an appropriate reply.

6) If a customer comments that he/she/it has no idea where all his/her/its food is going every week (or so), I am not, under any circumstances, to tell them to look in a mirror and turn sideways.

7) Or is that 'turn sideways and look in a mirror'?

At the cookie place:

1) I should not, on receiving an order for "(insert number here) chocolate chip(s)," place that many individual chocolate chips into a bag, then charge the person who made the order full price.

2) The same goes for "(insert number here) M&M(s)," "(insert number here) sprinkle(s)" and "(insert number here) macadamia(s)".

3) The customers probably already know that I am not an effing telepath. Informing them of this fact will not change anything.

4) Even if it will make me feel better.

5) Similarly, there will always be customers who apparently can't read, and therefore call macadamia nuts "macadamians".

6) If a customer tells me to give him/her/it 'whatever,' I should not take a card, write "Whatever" on it, and sell it to him/her/it for twenty bucks.

7) It should probably be closer to thirty bucks, anyway.

8) As much as I wish otherwise, there is no such thing as an idiot tax. Just because some customers might believe me when I say there is, doesn't mean I should charge it to them.

As a reading tutor:

1) If ever I am asked by a student why they have to learn this, "Because civilization as you know it will collapse if you don't," is the wrong answer.

2) It only encourages them to rebel more, anyway.

09-09-2006, 12:03 PM
- Bartenders are not allowed to tell new servers to go in the back and get a can of steam for the cappucino machine

- Cooks are not allowed to tell the new servers to go and fetch the plastic frying pan

09-09-2006, 02:42 PM
As a dispatcher:

- Probably not a good idea to send an electronic message to a driver asking him what is he wearing

- Nor when he finally gets a call sent to him to send him another message telling him to put his clothes on he has a new call

- Also probably not a good idea to send a message that asks the driver to make sure the member has their clothes on right

- You should probably make sure you have fully released the button on the two-way radio or walkie talkie phone and have completely hung the business line up when you start making fun of the person on the other end

Meant for one co-worker (there are 4 of us from my dept. on here, this one is not! Even if she was, I doubt she'd think this was about her)

- Referring to the your co-workers as your butler is not recommended.

- Telling your co-workers you can't do the job of two people when actually what they are asking you to do is in the job description of one person and is, in fact, YOUR job - is not advisable.

- Talking on your personal cell phone AND the business line at the same time with conversations that are not remotely related to your job and then yelling at your co-workers telling them you are too busy to do your job is also not advisable.

- Thinking that you are the best at your job and telling other co-workers that everyone hates them is also...NOT ADVISABLE and giggling in a cutesy manner after you say it DOES NOT excuse what you just said

- Gossiping on the business line to the supervisor while your other co-workers can hear what you are saying - NOT ADVISABLE

- Telling another co-worker that you NEVER talk about them when asked about your gossiping is not only not advisable but also unbelievable bullshit!

Woo...glad to get that off my chest!

10-22-2006, 03:52 AM
Sweet!! :D

....Although, I did save the list this time... :lol:

Thanks again Crosshair :yourock:

In regards to your original one, 125 and 126... Cat5 is a standard for RJ-45 cable (I usually just refer to RJ-45 as the connectors that you have to crimp on).

But trust me, 20' of Cat5e is all you need to end it all.

Mr. Rude
10-22-2006, 06:30 AM
Dutch Hater!! :)

10-23-2006, 03:08 AM
Dutch Hater!! :)


I used the pibcak error thing today :>

11-02-2006, 02:22 AM
I am not allowed to have a duel with a coworker (with plastic pirate pistols), with the result that I dive behind the rotisserie chicken stand for sniper shooting.

Even the cop on duty laughed, though.

11-02-2006, 05:12 AM
Not allowed to have the following books under the gun counter to use when debating a customer on gun subjects: Cartridges of the World, Small Arms of the 20th Century, Machineguns of the World, The Geneva Conventions, Reloading manuals of ANY kind, Complete copy of the 1934 NFA act, 1968 GC Act, and 1986 FOP Act, and the 1994 AWB Act (Now dead), or The Second Amendment Primer.

Stop refering to North Dakota as a "Free state".

Stop refering to California as, "Commiefornia."

Even if the customers agree with me.

Not allowed to time my NICS checks.

When helping unload truck and management asks if we need anything, the phrase, "WE DEMAND A SHRUBBERY" is not to be used.

When discussing preperations for this years "Black Friday" I am not allowed to suggest the use of rubber buckshot or cattle prods on customers.

11-02-2006, 02:06 PM
When discussing preperations for this years "Black Friday" I am not allowed to suggest the use of rubber buckshot or cattle prods on customers.

Interesting. I'm allowed to suggest it. We won't be allowed, but at least I can suggest it.:lol:

Irving Patrick Freleigh
11-02-2006, 06:08 PM
When helping unload truck and management asks if we need anything, the phrase, "WE DEMAND A SHRUBBERY" is not to be used.

I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

11-02-2006, 06:27 PM
I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

Monty Python reference.

11-02-2006, 06:39 PM
I don't get it :confused:
Monty Python quote.:D

11-02-2006, 09:18 PM
I don't get it :confused:

But that might be the point.

Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151625/) :wave:

11-03-2006, 08:20 PM
When customers want cigs, I can't just look at them for a while and then say "oh, you wanted them NOW...?"

Even if they AND my boss think that it's funny.

11-24-2006, 11:17 PM
Deflating and boxing basketballs for winter storage does not involve a Buck knife or a BB gun.

Stop using double negatives.

Stop pointing out when management uses double negatives.

Stop pointing out when coustomers use double negatives.

Stop storing cookies in the gun safe display.

Ditto for soda.

Do not put polka music into the display CD players.

Do not name the pallet jacks. (Someone wrote car names on the pallet jacks with a sharpie. "Hey, where is my Pinto!!!")

Do not reconfigure the camera monitor in the TLE to recieve TV signals. Even if you can switch between camera and TV mode with the push of a button.

Do not tell people that they can't sleep or go to the bathroom while waiting in line for PS3. (Co-workers in Electronics did this.)

Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 while on the clock.

(Next day) Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 even if I am off the clock.

Even if it involves a clown suit, Lysol, and is really really funny.

Spiffy McMoron
11-25-2006, 01:41 AM
-Put up a hammock
-Preposition cute customers (I haven't done this, I'm just saying...:p )
-Challenge customers to games of foosball
-Jump on counters to do your monkey impersenation. It will end badly.
-Heckle customers for owning a Neon
-Start a kariokee competition with the background music

11-25-2006, 05:33 AM
Not allowed to take kickballs I find in the building
Not allowed to use said kickballs as soccer balls when there is nothing to do
Having a rock fight is not allowed (Coworkers were doing this)
Not allowed to do mob voices when I work the mob suite name
Asking to set up wireless security so you can check your forums while on break is bad
Reading Fast Food Nation and loudly exclaming all the disgusting stuff is bad
Especially if coworkers are eating fast food
I will not respond to the ex-navy supervisor in soldier fashion.
That includes "Sir yes Sir", doing push-ups when he is around, and singing in miltary tune
It is a bad idea to point out major flaws of a customer's argument
Even if my supervisor finds it funny

EDIT: One more thing, I am not allowed to record the PA voice for music purposes

11-25-2006, 03:26 PM
Deflating and boxing basketballs for winter storage does not involve a Buck knife or a BB gun.

Stop storing cookies in the gun safe display.

Ditto for soda.
Even if it's high theft by staff?

Do not put polka music into the display CD players.
Isn't putting it in counting as cruel and unusual punishment?

Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 while on the clock.

(Next day) Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 even if I am off the clock. Yeah, I was told this too. And I REALLY wanted to.

Even if it involves a clown suit, Lysol, and is really really funny.
I'm not even sure I wanna know...

11-25-2006, 03:53 PM
Cell Phone Store
- Playing football in the store is not recommended. Even if all the sales guys and the boss are involved. Eventually, something will break.
- If the chair in the back office is broken, take it out to the dumpster. Don't leave it there for the boss to sit in later when he forgets it is broken. Even if it is funny to hear the giant CRASH! then the sound of him cursing later on from the front of the office.
- Do not steal Myra's candy. Unless you want to lose an arm.
- I don't care if Myra has Snicker's left. Stay the hell outta her candy. It doesn't matter if you're the boss.

Grocery Store
- The pallets of cereal are not for building forts in the back room.
- Stop putting rotten meat in your co-worker's pocket when he's not paying attention.
- Same goes for throwing said rotten meat at the co-worker when he's outside having a smoke.
- As tempting as it may be, do not scratch your butt with your gloved hand before slicing the ham of rude customers.

11-25-2006, 10:35 PM
-Can't recommend anal sex as a better "Plan A" for people that complain about the cost of "Plan B"
- I'm not allowed to perv on hot customers or the new LP Guy.
- Using the pill bottles as a sippy cup is a no-no.

11-26-2006, 06:25 AM
I'm not even sure I wanna know...
I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.:D

Irving Patrick Freleigh
11-26-2006, 08:57 PM
SPecial holiday edition:

When the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I am not allowed to sing my own version of that song, about a certain lead singer from said Jackson 5.

It starts "I saw Michael Jackson kissing little boys...":devil:

11-27-2006, 01:58 AM
I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.:D

Is he any relation to Don Quiote who used to appear in those old 1970's dental hygeine commercials who rode around on a horse, fighting the windmills with a giant toothbrush?:p

11-28-2006, 01:19 AM
Car audio install bay edition:

-It is a minor annoyance that store management regards our install bay restroom as their executive washroom. However, if, while the restroom is in use, I strike the adjoining wall HARD with the flat of a shovel, I should not be surprised at the confiscation of said shovel.
-If I forget to lock my tool box, they'll probably take my big rubber mallet, too.
-While we're on the subject, I need to stop telling co-workers how "Stinkyfinger" got his nickname.

-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".
-Or the small card on the floor drain, warning of sewer monsters.

11-28-2006, 04:05 AM
-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".

Okay, these I CANNOT show to my install techs, lest I get in trouble for these.:lol:

11-28-2006, 05:26 AM
-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.
Sooooo many memories from high school involving something along those lines.

11-28-2006, 05:52 AM
-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.

Oh great, you had me *hic* laughing so *hic* hard I've *hic* got the *hic*... Ah, you get *hic* the id-*hic*dea. :D

12-19-2006, 05:23 AM
-Cannot swear at customers in Italian
-Or French, Japanese, German, Russian, Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Greek, and Korean
-The flashlights are not pointy for one's pleasure
-Reenacting Strangers with Candy is not funny
-Nor is reenacting the Argument Clinic sketch from Monty Python
-I am not a professional complainer and stop stating that to customers
-And I am not a professional verbal abuser either
-Aphex Twin being played loudly while counting tickets? Bad
-Same for Flaming Lips, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Autechre, and Jane's Addiction
-When working the North Clubs I am not allowed to make fun of the compant names
-Even if two of them are KGB associates and Larry, Moe, and Curly
-I am not allowed to talk about rigging the sound and light system to fit the atmosphere of the rave underground in the new clubs. Even if I am joking about it.
-If I find $20 I am to return it to the man in charge.
-If I find a shredded love note, I am supposed to bring it back and help piece it back together
-I cannot install digital cable with the sports package so I can watch my soccer matches when I'm on break
-Even if I offer to pay for the set-up

Mr. Crow
12-19-2006, 06:06 PM
- Running out of a factory fast with a vital part of a motor is acceptable behavior if you are avoiding engineers.

- "You f***ing broke it" is an acceptable diagnosis for the management to make.

- Fire is inevitable.

- Bringing fire arms to work is tolerated, nay encouraged.

- The safe is not to be opened for any reason. We lost the combination for a reason.

- Thats the bosses story and he is sticking to it.

- OSHA is a myth.

- So don't call them.

- Giggleing as a customer does something very stupid is acceptable as long as they are looking away from you when you do it.

- Stop whineing about the manure and sewage on motors and drives Crow.

- You won't die from it.

- Unless there is an E. Coli outbreak again in Burlington. Again.

12-21-2006, 07:02 AM
Things a Radioshack Sales Assoc. Cannot Do:

1. Make stereotype jokes to a customer

2. Explain said jokes, when the customer doesnt get it, using the words "you people"

3. Yell "What the F--- do you want?!?!?" when a customer walks in the store 5 min before closing.

4. Ask attractive female customers if they'd like to make a deal to get that iPod for cheaper.

5. Blast Weird Al on the iPod systems.

6. Show the Adult channels on the Dish Network system on the LCD TVs.

7. I am not "the Juggernaut Bitch!", and I do not have a "pimp cane."

8. Speak chinese to a customer who speaks spanish in such a way that i cannot understand, and then follow it with, "See how that feels?"

9. Inform customers of Motorola's deal with the chinese military to build the detonators in their landmines.

10. Inform a customer of how many times a day a panda will stand on it's head, which FYI, is 8, on average. I am told they do not care.

11. I cannot ask a customer's advice on how to attract other males. (i'm not gay, but it's fun to do.)

12. It is never appropriate to tell customers that cell phones now have detonation devices within them, that if the bill is overpaid, it will self-destruct at the companies activation.

13. In addition, it is also not appropriate to tell this to neurotic elderly women who still believe that Russia is our worst enemy.

14. I absolutely under on circumstance am not allowed to tell an annoying customer that another store in our district has said number of product, just to prank them.

15. I've found it's not advisable to ask an Indian customer if they've been to the Roadhouse Steakhouse.

16. I've also found that to be hilarious to do, though my manager thinks it's a bit off-color.

17. We are not allowed to rock-paper-scissors to see who has to deal with the elderly.

18. iPods, no matter what i tell the older customers, are not tracking devices for the NSA.

19. My godzilla impersonation is not funny, ever.

20. I am not allowed to question Elvis Presley's sexuality.

21. My boss's either.

22. Or my coworkers.

23. Or my coworkers' relatives

24. Or my boss' girlfriend

25. I cannot chase the "Seeing Eye" dogs with remote control cars. It's not funny.

26. Sneaking up on little children is not at all humorous.

27. Doing my Hulk impersonation is not appropriate chick-magnet behavior.

28. Radioshack is for nerds, so act like one.

29. I do.

30. I am not allowed to groan at my dismay at having to do a cell phone activation.

31. Our customers are actually people.

12-24-2006, 02:41 AM
Not allowed to politely point out the difference of us actually having a creamer station and being out of said creamer when customers storm up to me asking "Do you HAVE any cream for coffee?!?!" when they mean to tell me that they tried said creamer dispenser and it is out.

I am in the middle of getting written up for this, BTW.

12-24-2006, 03:10 AM
I (and other coworkers) aren't allowed to wear mistletoe attached to any part of our work uniforms. :cry:

12-24-2006, 06:59 AM
I (and other coworkers) aren't allowed to wear mistletoe attached to any part of our work uniforms. :cry:

Belt buckle? I got away with that, though being the son of the owner helps.


12-24-2006, 02:55 PM
Belt buckles, aprons, not even our hats. Some people have no sense of humor or whimsy.

12-25-2006, 04:21 AM
I do not suffer from "Caffeine Deficiency Disorder" (CDD). Therefore I do not need to keep a container of "Flavored Liquid Caffeine Supliment" (Soda) on me at all times.

The entry "Firearm & Dang. Weapon" under "Type" on the North Dakota CCW (Consealed Carry Weapon) permit stands for "Firearm and Dangerous weapon." It does NOT stand for "Firearm and Dangling weapon" so you need to stop the "Dangling" jokes. (It was a co-worker who came up with and started using that one, much to my annoyance.)

Stop looting the supply of new boxcutters, boxcutter blades, and boxcutter holsters when they come on the supply truck. (I got a new holster and blades.)

Layaway will not be turned into a bar. So quit asking what we are doing with the Layaway desk now that we have stopped doing layaways.

Putting a $30 Red Dot sight on an $8 Nerf gun is not funny.

Putting a $250 EOTech holographic sight on an $8 Nerf gun is just wrong.

Ditto for a 3x9x40 scope.

Spiffy McMoron
12-29-2006, 04:44 AM
-Blaming other departments for things going wrong, even when it's not their fault, is fine. However, these departments must have a proven track record of screwing up badly. Blaming a good department helps nobody.

-We reserve the right to giggle at you if you ask us if we sell performance exhausts for minivans.

-I would appreciate it if you could not interupt me while I'm looking at the webcam that a Mexican resort has set up on the beach to show how fantastic it is. I would especially appreciate it if you would not interupt me when the topless girl was sunbathing. It's not that I don't want to help you, it's more a courtesy thing.

-Please, please, please don't be surprised when we don't have an extremely obsure part for a 25 year old vehicle. We run out of common parts for 3 year old vehicles. We only have so much room here, people.

12-29-2006, 06:05 AM
Putting a $30 Red Dot sight on an $8 Nerf gun is not funny.

Putting a $250 EOTech holographic sight on an $8 Nerf gun is just wrong.

Ditto for a 3x9x40 scope.

You're right. It's not funny. It's HILARIOUS!:roll:

And then there's the newest nerf gun out. The things a sniper rifle!

12-29-2006, 06:16 AM
Putting price tags on my manager and telling customers he is on sale for half price when purchasing a cell phone, while amusing to me, is totally stupid.

Customers dont have a sense of humor, so stop making jokes about our slogan.

"Butt Connector" is no longer funny. Neither is "Slow Blow Fuse". *giggle*

Not allowed to act out "Robot Chicken" skits at work.

Stop saying Catharsis.

The delivery guy doesn't want a theme song done as a parody of "Mail Time" from Blue's Clues. (Why NOT??)

Hiding on top of the storeroom shelves and scaring coworkers is immature, and silly.

Tell that damn "Two Snare Drums and a Cymbal" joke one more time, and you're canned.

01-02-2007, 03:51 AM
Putting a $30 Red Dot sight on an $8 Nerf gun is not funny.

Putting a $250 EOTech holographic sight on an $8 Nerf gun is just wrong.

Ditto for a 3x9x40 scope.


01-02-2007, 07:06 AM
Hmmm, mabee. I need to get a pic of it online, but we are out of those Nerf guns right now. I did the above to a return that was out of the pakage. I just happened to have the EOTec in my backpack in the breakroom because I was showing it to a co-worker that day on break. I didn't do the 3x9x40 scope, but I did suggest it when they told me to take the EOTech off.:D

01-03-2007, 07:04 AM
Speak like Jar Jar Binks for the entirety of my shift as revenge for my boss calling me in on my day off.

I am under no circumstances allowed near the remote control cars ever again.

01-04-2007, 02:10 AM
I'm not allowed to make any comments whatsoever on meatball day at work. :angel:

01-06-2007, 08:02 AM
Oh man. A million comments just appeared in my head, too. I'm such an 18 year old male......gotta love it. Oh, here's one:

I'm not allowed to make up any more theme songs for the mailman or delivery guy from FedEx.:cry:

01-08-2007, 09:48 PM
I am NOT permitted to have any sort of caffeine or sugar before or while on the clock.

(I bounce when I'm decaf. I bounce higher when I'm caffeinated)

01-09-2007, 01:36 AM
At the hardware store
I am not allowed to:
-threaten customers with sledgehammers
-nor their children
-maul axes are not acceptable either
-or really, any of the machinery in the back
-while the various guys who come in might take me more seriously if it were true, I am not allowed to tell customers my given name is John, but I'm post-op now when they say "I didn't expect a girl to know that!".
-SSOAP (Slightly Senile Old Argumentative People) is not a real club, and they do not meet here, so stop laying out cheese trays.
-I should stop telling people that rat poison is "great in martinis". Some of them might take me seriously.
-No sodas in the paint shakers.
-Especially the manager's soda.
-No demonstrating bondage technique on coworkers.
-Especially that one annoying guy.
-Because you keep "forgetting" to take him down, that's why.

01-09-2007, 02:14 AM
Oh man. A million comments just appeared in my head, too. I'm such an 18 year old male......

And I'm a 27 year old female who spends too much time with guys. :D

My boss thought (unofficially, of course) what I DID say was funny...I just can't ever say it again.

01-09-2007, 03:01 AM
-No sodas in the paint shakers.
-Especially the manager's soda.

OMG I could see it now. Especially with a few of the managers at my store (don't get me wrong - I love them to death). It'd be REALLY funny to see a few of their reactions though. I know a couple of them would jump through the ceiling :roll:

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-09-2007, 03:41 AM
-No sodas in the paint shakers.
-Especially the manager's soda.

Time for a gratuitous Simpsons reference!

If you shook that soda up enough, it could blow the roof and the windows out of your store when your manager opened it. ALso could put him in the hospital in a coma.

01-09-2007, 04:37 PM
Time for a gratuitous Simpsons reference!

If you shook that soda up enough, it could blow the roof and the windows out of your store when your manager opened it. ALso could put him in the hospital in a coma.

With the effect of a nuclear weapon of soda!:lol:

01-10-2007, 05:31 PM
And I'm a 27 year old female who spends too much time with guys. :D

My boss thought (unofficially, of course) what I DID say was funny...I just can't ever say it again.

Care to enlighten us on the comment? Cause teasing me like this isn't funny. :cry:

Spiffy McMoron
01-11-2007, 01:17 AM
With the effect of a nuclear weapon of soda!:lol:

Pretzels! You'll need pretzels! :roll:

01-11-2007, 01:24 AM
Pretzels! You'll need pretzels! :roll:

What are these pretzels you speak of?

OH! You mean Beer Sponges!:roll:

01-11-2007, 04:20 AM
-while male customers shop for meat, I am not allowed to stick tampons or douches in their shopping cart.
-i am not allowed to sit my piggy bank on my register with a little sign saying, "Your loose change could help feed a hungry pig (or send your cashier to college.")
-I am not allowed to say over the intercom, "Attention customers! There is a pearlescent Escalade in the parking lot with it's headlights on. Oh, nevermind, a nice big guy in a black toboggan just turned them off for you. But I think he accidentally busted your window in the process."
-Giving customers directions to the freezer when they ask for the restroom is not acceptable.
-Doing backflips off the dumpster when I'm supposed to be stocking is grounds for termination.
-Patch tape is only to be used for its intended purpose.
-Spying on the fifty-year-old manager is not okay - even if he is browsing teenage girl Myspace profiles.
-Having fun is grounds for termination.
-answering customer's questions in American Sign Language is not okay.
-Neither is Swahili.
-Or Vietnamese.

01-11-2007, 04:24 PM
Care to enlighten us on the comment? Cause teasing me like this isn't funny. :cry:

Well, the hot foods area is right next to the deli. My manager and a coworker were preparing meatballs for the next day. Aside from my usual "ball handlling skills" comments to my (male) manager, the following conversation took place.

Deli guy--"What smells so good over there?"
Manager--"Meatballs for tomorrow."
DG--"They smell FANTASTIC!!!!!"
Me--"I always suspected you enjoyed sniffing balls."

Something about what I said and HOW I said it was absolutely priceless, I suppose... :shrug:

01-11-2007, 06:14 PM
--Not allowed to answer the phone "Ghostbusters Boston" (even if the building is reportedly haunted)
--Even if it does weed out the telemarketing calls

--No "symmetrical book-stacking" with the unshelved used books...even if I do have the required spare time
--Or my books at home (hey, it does save space)

--Domokun is not a major deity (why the hell not?)

--Using Japanese rope bondage techniques while giftwrapping packages is generally not appreciated (ribbon is almost impossible to remove once tied that way)

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-13-2007, 12:19 AM
-Making a t-shirt reading "Third-shift Teammates Do It In the Dark" is not an acceptable way to protest corporate cutting about 3/4 of the lights on the salesfloor at close.

-Wearing said t-shirt to work is grounds for termination.

Phone Jockey
01-14-2007, 05:52 AM
I'm not allowed to send SPAM to my e-mail customers. :(

01-15-2007, 12:52 AM
It's probably not a good idea to ask customers, "Why are you harrassing the working poor?!?"

01-16-2007, 05:40 AM
No longer allowed to quote Sam Kinison. EVER. NEVER.

I am not "Lord Sprint The Seventh of the House of Cellphone", and cannot banish customers who don't speak fluent english. (that goes especially for those who speak english as a first language.)

01-20-2007, 06:58 AM
I am not allowed to laugh as I run the ignorant redneck that thinks he's going to trap me in the right hand lane that's closing in 500ft off the road.

I am not allowed to ask the retarded dispatcher that asks me for the umpteenth time if I will go to NYC for him if he's on crack because I told him no too many times already.

I am not allowed attend a Jesse Jackson speech and scream "I'm sorry Mr. Jackson, your race card has been declined. Do you have another form of entitlement?" into a megaphone as soon as he finishes speaking.

I am not allowed to mock Oprah Winfrey for teaching people how to be professional victims daily on her show. If most of the idiots that made it there just took some kind of ownership over their lives they wouldn't be there in the first place.

01-20-2007, 01:05 PM
im not allowed to cry you ruined it!
when people ask what non-system disk or disk error means.

Spiffy McMoron
01-22-2007, 10:12 PM
-Throwing things at mechanics is expressly forbidden, no matter how badly they deserve it
-Ditto for the shipper/receiver, who can neither ship nor receive properly.

01-24-2007, 03:39 PM
I'm not allowed to ask male coworkers "So, when's the baby due?" when they park in the pregnancy preferred spots, especially in front of the manager without a sense of humor.

01-25-2007, 05:35 AM
Apparently, according to corporate, Im not allowed to grab a customers arm when they swing at me full force. Forgive me for defending myself.

02-07-2007, 06:07 PM
"I heard about this on 4chan" means "This is an inappropriate topic for work".

Especially if it's /v/.

Even if it's a worksafe board.

Mentioning the /b/ board on 4chan is not allowed. Ever. EVER.

Whistling while you work is against company policy.

Even if you mute the phone first.

Corporate policies are none of the following: Stupid, idiotic, hare brained, craptacular, magically dumbasslicious, pulled from the VP's ass, the product of an acid trip, made of failure, dur hur hur, brain cell killers, fascist, communist, nazi, orange, or propounded from on high by Xenu.

02-08-2007, 01:38 AM
magically dumbasslicious

May I use that phrase? I'll give you mad props for it.

02-08-2007, 01:39 PM
Go for it. I encourage people to quote me, it's how I get my powers. :P

02-09-2007, 03:37 PM
Rock on. :D

02-09-2007, 03:46 PM
Moved to General Work Chat since htis is obviously still live :) Also stickied.


02-09-2007, 04:50 PM
Tell customers they are too stupid to own a phone and they should return it.

Also, tell customers that they should practise some common etiquette on the phone, and that they do not start a phone conversation with "Gimme..."

Arcade Man D
02-10-2007, 06:17 AM
Not allowed to tell the customers that if they're dumb enough to put tokens in a game that's off, they can't get 'em back. I can, however, tell them that they can't get them back if I watched them take the tape off the coin slot. Or shove the coin through the tape.

Not allowed to tell the customers exactly what I think when they do something stupid, like put a quarter in a token slot, put a coin of any sort in a DBA, or ask me to just give them a 40-60 dollar (~1000-2500 ticket) redemption prize for their 50 tickets. Which is certainly easy enough to get on a dollar's worth of games. (Though I did get away with telling someone that they said the dumbest thing I ever heard when he asked me if I'd give him a quarter for 13 cents.)

However we are allowed to do the following:

Place a torn piece of currency ((if less than 1/2, and thus unusable)) under the leg of the air hockey table, and watch as customers try to get it out. Especially if we have the serial number written down so that they don't try to say our machine ripped their dollar. ((Done by the SM. The guy totally rocks :). ))

Say "You're welcome" as a prompt for customers to say "thank you."

Use quarter jams as a way to remind the customers who are there that they should make sure they aren't putting quarters in the games, but tokens.

Mock nameless customers to regulars. ((At least I haven't gotten told not to yet ^_^))

02-10-2007, 07:38 PM
I am not allowed to tell customers that we've called the FBI, after looking at their horrid credit report with repos, collections, and returned checks.

Nor am I allowed to tell people the only bank that will finance them is the Chinese Bank. (Won Lump Sum)

02-11-2007, 04:57 AM
Not allowed to confiscate customers' cell phones if they insist on yapping away about their uncle's hemmroid surgery in intricate detail loud enough to be heard in the next county

Not allowed to call the manager "Junior" even if he is almost young enough to be my son

Not allowed to physically grab a manager off the floor during a Grand Opening to bag groceries b/c I have no bagger and all the managers are doing is walking around, sipping coffee, eating donuts and talking amongst themselves

02-12-2007, 12:26 PM
Not allowed to tell people who call yelling about the noise we make that they do live next to an industrial site, and that maybe they should have looked around more before they bought their house.
(I did it once, now I'm not allowed to anymore)

02-13-2007, 02:13 AM
-VIP does not stand for Very Inept Prick
-Nor does it stand for Very Idiotic Person
-That also goes for Very Insane Patron
-Pirate voices at work are not funny
-Talking to customers in a pirate voice is grounds for being written up
-A dirty old man voice is defintely not funny
-I am from America, not France, England, or Australia so stop it with the accents
-I am not the Galactic Overlord of VIP
-The same goes for VIP chains
-Playing the Spiderbite Song by the Flaming Lips near coworkers who have a fear of spiders is not funny
-Even if some of them find it funny
-When being bribed it is not good to say "Do I look like a politician?"
-Even if said customer is a politician

02-13-2007, 02:49 AM
Pottery Barn Kids

Not allowed to step one foot out of the zone I am covering
Even if it is to assist a customer
Not allowed to speak to another co worker unless it is about a product that the customer I am waiting on is asking about
Not allowed to use the bathroom unless I ask permission from the manager(last time this happend, I about wet myself!!)
Or get a drink of water
No drinks are allowed on the floor

Grocery Store

No having water fights with the sprayer
even if someone else started it
No eating samples
No eating any food
even if they are just going to throw it away
Cranking up of the Jute Box in the Cafe area is frowned upon
No smoking when you take trash out
You must ask permission to take trash out (some ppl were taking it out 4-5 times a night...just to sneak a smoke)
No hitting on sexy male customers
or coworkers for that matter
No talking with friends/relatives
even if they came into the store to your dept to purchase something, if you are seen conversing with them, you will be wrote up
even if other people did have friends/relatives come in..they would be seen talking to them for 15-20 min instead of working
No using the company phone as personal phone
Breaks are 15 min. leaving early to buy something to eat while on break is considered stealing company time and you will be terminated
No smoking in the bathrooms (i never did this but knew plenty of people who did)
Not answering ppl when they ask "if I work there" is frowned upon
Taking naps in the break room is prohibited
Apparently shopping at other stores because they are cheap was also forbidden (not me but a co worker...she was on her own time too!!...long story)

Geek King
02-14-2007, 02:04 PM
...no pointing to the power button when asked about the <any> key.
...no laughing when they turn off thier monitor when asked to reboot a PC.
...no killing of the idiot office manager in the other office who installed a cheap-ass wireless network with known issues, then complains for MONTHS about it not working correctly.
...no, not even if my boss agrees.
...no telling people that workers with free desk candy get priority on support calls.
...no answering the phone with, "what did you break THIS time?"
...not even if they laugh when you answer that way.
...no refering to the UNISYS server as "the boat anchor."
...especially when the UNISYS techs are in the room.
...no making a cat o'nine tails out of spare power cords.
...no telling users that, "maybe the computer just doesn't like you."
...no asking for travel compensation for the trip to the other office.
...accross the parking lot.
...no setting error message sound effects on the servers to The Funeral March.
...or the Empirial March.
...or Yakkity Sax.
...no making bets with users that I can fix their problem in 30 seconds or less.
...no plugging monitor cables into PCs at other peoples' desks. (for April Fools)

02-14-2007, 03:27 PM
No swapping keyboard cables and turning a classmate's computer into HAL/Eliza.
...unless the instructor has a sense of humor.

Not allowed to tell customers with Vista computers that they've found the new resting place of Zuul/Gozer/Vigo/Cthulhu/Hastur/whichever demon seems appropriate (I have had so many problems supporting Vista boxen)

My Schrodinger's Cat (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/ladies/6f59/) T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.

Food Lady
02-14-2007, 04:30 PM
Pirate voices at work are not funny
Talking to customers in a pirate voice is grounds for being written up

This happened to my brother when he worked at a fish fry place. The customers thought he was hilarious but his boss didn't. Yeah, I guess it's bad if your customers are having a good time. :rolleyes:

02-14-2007, 06:54 PM
Yeah, I guess it's bad if your customers are having a good time. :rolleyes:

Heh heh, some customers didn't find it funny, one of them asked me if I was screwed up in the head. The dirty old man voice got plenty of laughs though. ;)

Geek King
02-15-2007, 02:50 PM
Schrodinger's Cat T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.

Another Schrodinger's fan! Horray for sarcastic theories taken seriously by silly people! :lol:

02-16-2007, 05:12 PM
I am not allowed to tell the customer that the latest James Patterson/Dan Brown/Whatever Big-name-author-who-comes-out-with-a-new-book-every-6-months is crap.

I am not allowed to be "Over the Top" (in the words of one British manager that I had) in my we'll-be-closing-soon announcements (ie, don't sound too happy).

I am not allowed to hide in the shopping bag cubby under the register, even when I see those *certain* regulars coming my way.

I am not allowed to take a nap in the shopping bag cubby either. Or in the cashroom.

I am not allowed to say (scream), when a customer starts ranting about the contents of The Da Vinci Code/Harry Potter/etc, "It's FICTION!!! Get OVER it!!!

I am not allowed to pose the stuffed animals in pornographic configurations, at least not outside of the receiving room.

I am not allowed to drop my armload of books on the heads of the teens sitting (sprawling) in the philosophy aisle as I step over them (at least not on purpose).

I am not allowed to hold sticks at the bottom of the handicapped ramp for the kids skating down in their Heelies sneakers to trip over (a la Adam Sandler in Big Daddy).

I am not allowed to post an "Employees Only" sign on the restroom doors.

I am also not allowed to post a sign that says "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat" in every stall.

When customers complain about the quality of the gift wrapping another employee did, I am not allowed to tell them to go to the Hallmark store, get their own damn paper, and do it themselves.

Ditto when they complain about the gift wrap selection (book titles on green or childrens, yes, those are your only choices, unless it's December then there's Christmas and Hannukah). We do have some lovely gift bags and tissue paper for sale.

02-17-2007, 02:46 AM
I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin.":lol: )

02-17-2007, 11:58 AM
Not allowed to tell clients what I think of them. Not allowed to curse at them. I have to let them in no matter what they do. I have to be nice to them while they abuse me.

02-17-2007, 11:25 PM
Not allowed to insult spanish customers back in their native tongue to show them gringoes can "speakie spanish" too.....

"Fuck you" is no longer an appropriate answer to our card sign up pressures....

Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...:lol:

02-18-2007, 04:48 AM
I'm not allowed to tell any SCs that they make Baby Jesus cry, even if it's true. I know, I asked my CSM today.

02-19-2007, 07:33 PM
I am not allowed to act as a mediator for the homeless folks when they fight over the cans and bottles.

If someone tells me they find my job disgusting, I am not allowed to start sniffing my gloves and say, "But it smells so good."

I am not allowed to keep any of the pornography, text books or CDs I find in the recycling bins.

I am no longer permitted to sing "Trash Day" by Weird Al Yankovic while on the clock.
("There's somethin' rotten here, you better hold your nose / Hey, you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out.")

I am not permitted to give reasons to any question related to "what that smell is."

Spiffy McMoron
02-20-2007, 04:58 PM
I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin.":lol: )

Same thing with me, except substitute "In-store announcements" with "Mechanics request" (i.e.: He wants a shaft/butt connector/some lube/nuts/etc.)

Well, you can but we've heard them all. :lol:

02-21-2007, 02:23 AM
I'm not allowed to laugh at one of the guys from grocery for wearing a sticker placed in a naughty spot that says "Suffocation warning". Even if it's funny.:lol:

Geek King
02-21-2007, 11:36 AM
Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...:lol:

Just a heads up DR, Dean and Jerry didn't really sing this, at least not the real Dean & Jerry. It was done as a joke by morning show guys Bob & Tom (http://www.bobandtom.com) (WARNING: occasionally has not safe for work stuff on the main page). Still a great song though. :lol:

02-21-2007, 10:07 PM
When the back-ordered part does not arrive as scheduled and the customer is screaming on the phone, I am not allowed to hand the mechanic a part for another model, a mallet and a large wrench, with the instructions, "Make it fit."

No matter how badly an attorney has messed up a document, I am not allowed to roll it up, whack him/her on the nose, and say, "Bad lawyer. Go to your corner office and don't come out."

Even if I know the woman at the counter is a known thief, I am not allowed to tell her that I know that she's a thief, even though she knows that I know, and that I hate her and wish on her a death consisting of choking on the price tags from all the items she has stolen and returned over her criminal career.

02-22-2007, 12:48 PM
I am not allowed to tell network administrators I'm supporting what their job is. Even if they think network administration at their institution is somehow MY job.

Nor am I allowed to ask them if they got their certification by following a link in a spam email.

Speaking of spammers. Asking Nigerian scammers to convert the millions into gold and mail it to me for safekeeping against the impending collapse of the international banking system and civilization is not work-related and is discouraged.

02-23-2007, 07:44 AM
Not allowed to try and "upgrade" the stores FFL to Class 2 SOT status.* (I don't think anyone got it when I asked, but it is still funny to me.)

*For those who don't know. Class 2 SOT = Manufacturer of NFA firearms, including machine guns, suppressors, short barreled shotguns, short barreled rifles, destructive devices, and "any other weapons".

I am sure corporate would have LOVED me.:rolleyes: On the other hand, being able to buy and possess Flashbangs and CS (Tear gas) gernades, both classified as destructive devices under the NFA, might come in handy around Black Friday. I'm sure we could get a M242 Bushmaster for those people who park their cars in the fire lane.:D

03-06-2007, 06:45 PM
This is a list I compiled while working for a Box production company.

I was the company bitch, I brought the presses ink, plates and then removed them and did whatever else I was told.

Anyway, I compiled this list. These are things I did, said, was told, or suggested I do. Seriously.

Enjoy, Some are really out there.

1. My co workers do not speak either terrified or enraged German.

2. Do not ride any machine mo matter how fun it may sound....it will only end in a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and money coming out of your pocket.

3. My official title is: Press Service Attendant, not Ulric the destroyer of worlds, crusher of dreams, and devourer of souls and breakfast cereals.

4. We cannot pillage and raze the Cardboard village (Stock Floor), no matter how much gold they may have.

5. There are no magical pot-smoking leprechauns in the 35" press.

6. And put down that air wand!

7. Thou shalt not throw the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch into any machine, no matter how much of the devil is with it.

8. I am not authorized to operate any vehicle on premises, with the exception of my own. That includes floor trucks, fork lifts, mowers, sweepers, Semi's, train engines, vendor trucks, and the war machine.

9. I'm not allowed to ride the printing plate carousels, no matter how fun it could be.

10. This is not a chemistry lab, I am not to test my theories on the combustibility of corrugated board.

11. No open flame means NO OPEN FLAME!

12. And put that torch down!

13. I am not authorized to perform "repairs" on anything unless it is actually broken and I have been trained to do so.

14. I am not to use any machine or tool for my own personal vendettas or entertainment.

15. We are to run at the maximum possible speed the machine can, No matter how much it hinders production by jamming up the machine.

16. When asked if you will work overtime... It's not a question.

17. You can be assaulted by an inanimate object that is not in the possession of a living being.

18. I did not have to bludgeon the magical leprechauns with a wrench before they kicked my ass, that's just ink.

19. If people want my opinion, they'll ask me.

20. I am not to assume that the machine is okay to go. Recheck it before starting and explosions like this can be avoided.

21. If I spill silicone on the floor I am to clean it or tell someone who can. I am not to create a gambling racket on who will break what bone when they slip and fall.

22. I am not to operate a drug cartel from my locker.

23. You have plenty of time to rest when you die.

24. A black bucket marked with any Mike's Hard flavor is NOT the actual thing...

25. And Stop drinking the ink!

26. My supervisor's name is Shane, not dumbass, hey you, shit head, ass hole or any other term or phrase that is not his given name.

27. The printing plate washer is not the state's largest bidet.

28. I am not to start a knife fight with the helper of a machine because he looked at me funny.

29. I did not see the face of Jesus on that board...or that one....or that one.....or that one...

30. I cannot pay a bum to fill in for me.

31. Gone drinkin' is not a valid excuse for ditching work.

32. God has not damned this place to hell. (as the power fails):devil:

33. The supervisor is not possesed.

34. And put that hose down! It's not even holy water!

35. I am not allowed to tell new people they must drink their own urine for refreshment.

36. I am not to use stock floats as a skateboard, luge or any other method of personal conveyance.

03-09-2007, 02:34 AM
When working as a newspaper carrier:

1) Am not supposed to throw paper into bush and pedal away like a maniac
2) or throw paper unto porch roof and yell "Score"
3) should not start a pool with other carriers to see how many days the printing press goes with out a problem
4) Am not aloud to say to nasty children to f*ck themselves and throw paper at said child's head
5) nor am I allowed to beat said child with said paper
6) even if their parents encourage it(not joking)
7) do not kick rabid dog in front of its owner
8) when delivering to a buisness, do not set paper on counter, back away slowly and then run out of building shouting "it's gonna blow!" (especially since 9/11)
9) do not call in sick after papers have arrived at your house
10)or call from out of town the day you are out of town
11) when asking a friend to do your route while out of town, don't leave a note saying "Just throw them in the creek, no one will notice" instead of the list of houses
12) do not come up to a customer, hand them their paper and walk away whispering "your time will come."
13)espcially if said person is a friend of your supervisor
14) when asked why you are late, do not respond with " I was turned into a newt!" Then stand there and wait for response.
15)then followed by " I got better." and walk away.
16)do not throw paper into windows, even if that person is a major douche
17)and don't leave your newspaper bag with your name in it behind
18) especially if it still has papers in it.
19)do not type your own articles and draw your own comics and deliver it to your customers
20)even if the elderly ones couldn't tell the difference
21)do not kneel on someone's lawn and raise your arms and shout "By all the powers that be, I command that this house be sacrificed."
22) even if it is your friend's house
23) or exorcising the owner's dog
24) even if it's name really is El Diablo
25)do not tell little girls that their dad was the mailman
26) do not yell at kids who throw snowballs that "the newspaper gods will bring their wrath upon you" and pelt them with extra papers
27)do not use papers as stuffing during winter when you forget your coat
28)when paper falls apart and lands in pieces on the lawn, do not point and laugh like Nelson
29)especially if the owner is standing right there
30)do not carry a random black cat around saying "it's my familar", especiallay to an old lady who is roman catholic or protestant.
31) on halloween
32) your carrier bag does not count as a carry all pouch
33) when delivering to insurance companies, do not knock out windows and yell "your insurance covers that, right?"

At my resturant job:
1) do not call owner/manager crazy, even if he truly is
2) do not act like a walrus with the straws
3) when asked where you worked last on application, do NOT put the 7th layer of hell under Satan herself.
4)when asked about references, it is not a good idea to put your dad as one
5)especially if he has a sense of humor
6)do not spray co-workers with hose when doing dishes
7)espcially if said co-worker is cooking
8) do not throw bosses keys into dumpster
9)espcially when it'garbage day
10)half an inch of snow is not grounds to show up 2 hours late
11) or close 3 hours early, even if no one has come since 10 that morning
12) do not stand up on one of the big tables and sing and dance to the tune of "the knights of the round table"
13) especially if there is customers who don't know the song
14)do not quote monty python's "cheese shop" sketch when asked what kind of cheese they have for omlets
15) same goes for the dead parrot sketch when asked about the roasted chicken
16)do not fill a coffee cup with heated pepsi, advid coffe drinkers can tell the difference
16)when asking a customer regular or decaf and is answered with "what ever you have fresh", do not walk back to where the coffee maker is and return with a hot pot of water and coffe grounds
17) and label it, "instant coffee"
18) when asked what kind of potatos you have, do not reply Mr. and Mrs.
19) do not crawl around the kitchen floor with knife stating "the tendorloins are attacking at noon."
20) when entering the storage room upstairs, do not run around happily and sing "the sond of music" when in open space
21)nor bang pots and pans together and tell patrons later that the place is haunted
22)or ride the dumbbell system just because you didn't fell like taking the stairs.
23) if you're going to smoke upstairs, don't leave a lit cig in the ash tray by the open fire escape
24) because it will live up to its name and will let the fire escape into other parts of the building
25) when in need of ice or paper towels do not go to the minimart next door and ask for "ammunition against the communist pigs"
26) even if the clerk agrees
27)do not ask for a larger tip because you need money for drugs
28) because old people do not appreciate being made fun of
29)when asked what the special is, do not reply with fresh venisin with a side salad
30) unless that deer came through your window is lying next to the customer( actually happened! a pack of deer went through downtown, one of them crashing through the window. Thankfully, that was before I started working there and it was closed at the time. The tabe that the deer struck is still there, with the chunks missing from the top from where the hooves hit it.)
31) or if it is hunting season
32)you can not, under no circumstances, hold a sword fight with the extra knives
33) or play with the napkins while wrapping silverware
34) when a customer says you missed a spot while your mopping up after them, do not respond with "I think you missed a spot too, oh wait that's just your herpes."
35)because old people do not like to be made fun of
36)do not smear redi-whip n your upper lip and yell " hail hitler!" in a room full of ww2 veterans
37) when serving kids, do not say " what would you like to drink and then spill on the floor and cry as I beat you senselessly for dirtiering my newly cleaned floor?"
38) do not answer the phone by saying "1-800-Sexy, how may I service you?"
39)even if your supervisor finds it funny as hell
40)when making pies, do not place any body part in the apple pie, no matter how horny you are

03-12-2007, 07:58 PM
No swapping keyboard cables and turning a classmate's computer into HAL/Eliza.
...unless the instructor has a sense of humor.

Not allowed to tell customers with Vista computers that they've found the new resting place of Zuul/Gozer/Vigo/Cthulhu/Hastur/whichever demon seems appropriate (I have had so many problems supporting Vista boxen)

My Schrodinger's Cat (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/ladies/6f59/) T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.

I want that shirt!

03-12-2007, 08:47 PM
- No renaming the office space "Hell on Toast" when the new heating unit spontaneously sets the temperature 20 degrees higher than usual.

- No calling the same place "The Frozen Wasteland" when said heating unit does the opposite.

- The A/C is not made up of a large line of pots boiling water. Even if it does sound exactly like that.

- The motor operating the shutters for the windows was not taken from an old fishing boat. Even if it does sound exactly like that.

- No accusing the security team of setting off the alarm in our area "just to see how fast we react".

- Even if the very sound scares the daylights out of me and makes me want to take a wirecutter to the speakers.

- No removing my footwear, dragging my socks over the carpet and zapping my co-workers with static electricity.

- Especially not when they're on the phone with a customer.

- The Southern wall with the funky shade of blue paint is not a portal to another reality. So quit referring to it as such.

- The cargo lift by the Northern stairs is not a toy.

- Nor is the incline below said lift a slide.

- Sliding down the banisters while on the clock is a no-no.

- Same if I'm off the clock.

03-12-2007, 09:14 PM
No more corny jokes. EVER.

No telling customers that phones are expensive because Jesus told me so.

Not allowed to claim anti-theft protection and then demonstrate as per Sprint commercials.

Don't touch that. It's sharp, we know how you are with sharp things.

You're not too sexy for your shirt.....turn the song off and put your shirt on. For humanity's sake.

03-14-2007, 02:22 AM
You're not too sexy for your shirt.....turn the song off and put your shirt on. For humanity's sake.

When I have my own business, you can work with me. I'll let you play the song and strip. :eyewaggle:

Mr B Rabbit
03-14-2007, 09:52 AM
At the school's network centre, I am not allowed to use the BOFH (http://www.theregister.co.uk/odds/bofh/) stories as an instruction manual...

...even if it would be much more fun to hook the office door handle to the mains.

03-19-2007, 09:57 PM
- Not allowed to answer the phone "<workplace name>, please fuck off"

- Even if they called six times in a row and won't believe they STILL have to go to voicemail

- Not allowed to diagnose customers using the DSM-IV - apparently you have to have a psychology degree to do that.

- Even if I'm right

- Not allowed to use the phrase "herding cats" when describing what I do

- Not allowed to put Ritalin in the water cooler

- Not allowed to get radio-tracking collars from old job at national park and put them on the people whose appointments/phone calls I'm responsible for despite the fact that said people keep leaving their offices 2 minutes before said scheduled appointment/phone call thus requiring me to run down hallways after them and herd them back

- Definitely not allowed to get the kind of collars that give a shock when the wearer gets too close to an electronic "fence"

Food Lady
04-02-2007, 04:54 PM
ok nevermind, my mistake

04-02-2007, 08:52 PM
First, I need to cite the original, the best, the 213 Things Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do in the Army

Things I have not been allowed to do at various jobs:
1) Lean
2) Drink liquids other than water while in the store

Short list, huh? OTOH, things I have been allowed to do:
1) not wear shoes
2) pretend to be Inuit/First Nations
3) attempt to wear all the rings in the display case at one time
4) have food delivered
5) offer to sell 1 or 2-tonne artifacts to the public

El Barto
04-03-2007, 02:38 AM
When the cashier that was on (who happened to be the store prankster, bad scheduling on my bosses part) and I closed the store Sat we did a few things to mess with the people who opened the next morning (April Fools Day).

Leave an 8ft tall stack of Bounty paper towels blocking the office door.

Move a pallet of Poland Spring so it blocks the overstock room.

Stack all the outside garbage cans on top of each other. (Still there when I came in Sunday afternoon, nobody scheduled in the morning could get the top one down. :devil: )

Fill an empty till with empty film containers.

Put garbage bags over all the register screens.

Jade Pheonix
04-10-2007, 06:14 PM
I'm not allowed to...

..."rent' a hamster and ball for Derby race.
... give "7th layer of hell" as the store's address.
... run around the parking lot yelling "Freedom!" after my shift.
... let any person wearing lots of jewelry hold a ferret just so I can tell them how good ferrets are a stealing.
... use old english when making annoucments of the PA.
... use a embarrassing nick-names for co-workers when calling them over the PA ( ex. "Susy-wozy, please come to register one.")
... walk around backwards with my uniform on backwards, and a piece of paper with a face drawn on it taped to the back of my head.
... put a coller around my neck and offer the leash to co-workers, beg to be taken to the park.
... throw "Hamster grenades" at SCs.
... challenge co-workers to sword fights using bully-sticks.
... tell customers the bathrooms are out of order then go use the bathroom.
... ride the pallet jack around the store.
... offer rides to customers/co-workers while riding pallet jack and charging them a $5 fare.
... make quacking sounds when our over-paid "celebrity" store vet visits.
... drink a XL cup of expresso before my shift.
... teach the parrots/cockatiels how to say " No, you can't haggle my price."
... tell manager that " a witch" turned a co-worker into a newt and show them one of the store newts as proof.
... act out the "Witch" scene for "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" with co-workers, no matter how funny the customers think it is.
... prank call the guy in the fish room during my break, no matter how much of a jerk he's been.

04-10-2007, 07:50 PM
at stein mart (like a higher end kmart/dept. store):
1. not allowed to call in crazy
2. not allowed to have scan gun wars with other cashiers
3. not allowed to call direct supervisor a bottle blond bimbo
4. not allowed to fake my own death to get out of work
5. or even joke about it

at waldenbooks:
1. not allowed to walk on my knees and pretend im a midget
2. not allowed to write stories while at the calendar kiosk
3. no matter how boring
4. not allowed to let people use the bathroom unless approved by management
5. not allowed to actually be fired, must notice that im not on the schedule for the next 3 weeks

at kmart:
1. do not encourage your direct supervisor to fake orgasms over the intercom
2. not allowed to throw your vest at the manager and shout "i quit!"
3. do not refer to kmart as "gay-mart", "came-apart", or any other derogatory name.
4. not allowed to go home "sick" on memorial day weekend
5. not allowed to tell customers to get out if they have nothing better to do than bother you

at B&N:
1. cant call the DM grimace
2. no matter how much she looks like him
3. not allowed to shout "fuck you!" to a customer on the phone
4. not allowed to shout anything to a customer on the phone
5. not allowed to tell parents to watch their kids
6. dont call the manager "gay"
7. or "queen"
8. even if he is
9. even if you dont mean anything by it
10. not allowed to joust with the carts and old packing material
11. not allowed to refer to the clientele as white trash
12. or the obese and stinky public
13. or trailer trash
14. or red necks
15. or pack of cletuses
16. not allowed to encourage fellow coworkers to break the rules
17. especially since you're in a position of authority
18. not allowed to call a manager and say "pee lady is fresh"
19. not allowed to call a manager and say "i think i hear tornado sirens" and then call back minutes later and say "oops, my bad"
20. not allowed to call in sleepy
21. not allowed to call in fucked up
22. not allowed to refer to coworker K as "special k"
23. or "shuffles"
24. not on the floor, at least
25. not allowed to shout "every man for himself" during a fire drill
26. not allowed to page "blue wizard to the dungeon"
27. not allowed to say "blue wizard needs food badly" over the pa system
28. dont regale new employees with your stories of battle trauma
29. especially the one about the "mad shitter"
30. not allowed to leave after manager hits you in the eye with a quidditch ball
31. not allowed to tell new employees that story
32. or anyone else for that matter
33. not allowed to later claim PTSD because of it
34. do not take home standees and then claim you have legolas or judge judy in your trunk
35. not allowed to clothesline thieves
36. or fellow coworkers
37. especially not grimace
38. no matter how satisfying it would be
39. seriously, stop asking
40. this is the last time im going to tell you
41. not even with sugar on top
42. or a cherry

04-10-2007, 11:16 PM
Same store, different incidents

Not allowed to
- start closing announcements 1/2 hour before closing, must wait till 15 minutes before closing
- stack milk crates from the floor to ceiling in recieving
- take a 45 minute break
- change the price of butter even if it's on the price change list
- turn out the lights on customers, even if we are closed
- have a goatee
- throw away a ready-made pie crust display that someone left a bannana in and now it's infested with fruit flies
- drive my car on the sidewalk just to see if it would fit between the wall and the poles holding up the awning

04-11-2007, 11:10 AM
Not allowed to:

tell contractor to get off his lazy ass and measure something, not just guess.

Even if he is telling me he's standing on the 7th floor and is looking down to the 2nd floor and something looks an inch off.

Tell someone we have more customers than you and we can't piss everyone of them off just to make you happy.

Tell my boss to stop yelling at me and call the people and tell them what to do.

Even if I had nothing to do with it, and was just relaying a message.

Stand around talking.

04-11-2007, 03:43 PM
Apparently I'm not allowed to answer the phone "We don't love you go away" or "We died. We're not here."

04-12-2007, 07:11 PM
-Or Vietnamese.

Gah doi boung qua com?

04-12-2007, 07:21 PM
The following songs are now forbidden from being sung or played:

A. Stone Rose' Fool's Gold
B. Faith No More's We Care A Lot
C. The Flaming Lips Yeah Yeah Yeah Song
D. The Flaming Lips Haven't Got a Clue

When an irate customer is told off, it is best to wait till he/she is inside then do a happy dance.

When rescheduling, a good excuse is not because of a Chelsea soccer match that you have to watch.

You are to be referred to by your given name and it's not King Arena, Emperor Arena, The Knowledgeable Parking Slave, or The Big Cheesebah.

No you cannot change your name because you felt like it.

04-13-2007, 05:29 PM
27. not allowed to say "blue wizard needs food badly" over the pa system

>ahem< That's "Blue Wizard needs food... badly". It just doesn't work without the dramatic pause.

04-13-2007, 09:46 PM
I am not allowed to:

Use the air compressor to fire projectiles aross the floor
Or scare people as the walk into the tech room
Or make farting noises
Use elastic bands, cardboard boxes, tools, and whatever else I find to make a mangonel
Or a ballista
Or a crossbow
Or any other kind of medieval artillery

04-13-2007, 10:15 PM
1.Tell my manager to sit in the corner when he’s bothering me
2.Give mean customers who asked for decaf regular coffee and hope they have a heart condition and die
3.Threaten the eat a customers child
4.Threaten to eat a child
5.Beat a middle schooler to death with his skateboard
6.Stick fingers in my mouth
7.As customers if they want whip cream on me (instead of ‘would you like whip cream on that’ at the end of an order)
8.Take Danny’s manbooties
9.Climb over the counter
10.Label the chairs
11.Label the bathroom
12.Label the walls with arrows that form a circle and amuse myself with their confusion
13.Pretend to have an orgasm while at register
14.Have an orgasm at work
15.Tease boys by tucking my shirt in all sexy so they tip me personally
16.Dance to the music in the store
17.Scream and drop to my knees with my hands over my ears when the random all squirrel voiced song comes on (No one knows where the hell it came from)
18.Be stoned
19.Or drunk
20.Or horny
21.When asked where the bathroom is the correct answer is not “in my pants”
22.When a person asks me for a bathroom key it is not appropriate to hand them a random key and then laugh in their face when they walk to the door and see that there’s no key hole
23.Shout slander from the back room
24.Play with the price labeler
25.Touch the price labeler
26.Get a latter and climb up to the top shelf where they put the price labeler because I wouldn’t stop plaything with it
27.Hideing the toys that the kids leave in the store in drawers to be played with at a later date
28.My name is not ‘Lick me’
29.Nor ‘Touch me’
30.Nor ‘The queen of Freaks’
31.Calling customers daddy for my own amusement is not apropreat
32.Challenging customers to a dance off is not allowed
33.Same for coworkers
34.Yelling at inanimate objects for disregarding my authority

04-13-2007, 10:19 PM
>ahem< That's "Blue Wizard needs food... badly". It just doesn't work without the dramatic pause.

Yellow Elf, your life force is draining.

Red warrior is about to die!

04-13-2007, 10:20 PM
14.Have an orgasm at work
20.Or horny


Dare I ask where you mind is and what is it doing in that gutter? :D :lol:

04-14-2007, 12:42 AM
Yellow Elf, your life force is draining.

Red warrior is about to die!

That's because the frickin' Green Valkrie shot the frickin' food!

04-14-2007, 01:31 PM
Oh yes, we're not allowed to play laser tag with the scan-guns.

Nor am I allowed to take the boxes of phones (which have people's faces on the back) and wear it as a mask.

04-14-2007, 01:52 PM
Oh, did I mention NO dating any of the vendors?:angel:

And I would suspect sex with any of them would be a no-no as well. :whistle:

04-15-2007, 01:22 PM
Oh, did I mention NO dating any of the vendors?:angel:

And I would suspect sex with any of them would be a no-no as well. :whistle:

Why? Just because you're having sex doesn't mean you're dating. :angel:

Just don't make a mess on the pallet jacks.

04-24-2007, 06:41 AM
243: Sing 'Little Girls' by Say Anything while making Kids Meals (I.E. sing 'I kill, kill, kill little girls')
244: Randomly say a word and start laughing like a maniac
245: Tell the SC that she can call her friends in corperate all she wants, it doesnt matter. We are a franchise.
246: Tell the costumer everything on the menu, with alteration opitions, to get out of helping drive thru/
247: Take off your work shirt to remove a sticker a coworker put on your back. Even if everything important is still covered.
248: Answer the phones or head set is chinese or japanese.

05-01-2007, 03:09 PM
249: Put collegues "on hold"
250: Especially not to Rammstein
251: read this list at work :D

05-04-2007, 03:05 AM
I'm not allowed to roast/toast marshmallows in the back room...especially with my lighter.


05-04-2007, 08:37 PM
Not allowed to let nipples or piercings show through my shirts even when it does feel like a meat locker in the office!


Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-08-2007, 03:43 AM
I may no longer blurt out in the breakroom "Either somebody farted or someone's cooking broccoli." (I hates broccoli).

Nor am I allowed to tell my annoying, lazy co-worker to follow me around fanning me with sheets of paper when he asks me for something to do.

Spiffy McMoron
05-08-2007, 05:32 PM
Not allowed to let nipples or piercings show through my shirts even when it does feel like a meat locker in the office!

Keep that up at my place of employment, and it would turn from a meat locker to a meat market...:p

-Can't throw things at mechanics.
-Can't throw things at salesmen.
-Can't give out price quotes for "vehicles that don't suck" (I'm looking at you, 1988 Dodge Lancer!)
-Still can't throw things at salesmen. (dammit...)

05-11-2007, 04:54 AM
-Call corperate and say "For the love of god turn on the heat on store 83! We cant take it anymore!"
-Watch the store across the streen burn to the ground and scream, "You missed!"
-Stand up and scream "Yes!" at the top of my lungs when the elsectrisity goes out

05-14-2007, 05:11 AM
153. Wearing stickers that say "As Advertised", "Take Me Home, I'm Delicious", etc. isn't part of the image we want to show customers

We had these great stickers that were in the Butcher Block that we used to tell the new hires they had to wear on their name tags for their first week. They said, "I'M NEW...TAKE ME HOME AND TRY ME" in flourescent orange. I think this one is perfectly acceptable! Love your list. I would have threatened to fire your ass repeatedly, but would have been laughing right next to you.

05-17-2007, 02:08 AM
And yet, oddly enough, no one said anything to the Double D Farms sticker I wore.

Actually, the owner doesn't actually look AT me. He looks above and to the side. Loser.

He notices the stickers on other people's uniforms, though.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-21-2007, 12:34 AM
Must never again sing Monty Python's "Lumberjack song" whenever I see the Lawn and Garden specialist bundled up in a sweatshirt and a flannel shirt over it.
Even though it is funny as hell
And cracked up a couple people in the break room who were familiar with said Lumberjack Song.

05-21-2007, 03:22 AM
When I witness a couple arguing I am not to sing Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart. Loudly. In direct earshot of said couple.

When asked why you can't handle a customer, the excuse "Because I hate stupid people?" is not valid.

Professional Serf
05-22-2007, 02:03 AM
~Knock on customers heads and ask if anyone is home.

~Throw lit matches at the women who bathe in cheap perfume to see if they'll ignite.

~Hand out deodorant and douche bags...if not toilet paper with instructions...to the hygienically challenged.

~Dress up like a fly and buzz around said ^ people. Then again, I'd be one busy fly!

~Hand out condoms to "people" who really should NOT procreate!

05-29-2007, 01:14 AM
Suddenly yell WAKE UP when it is dead quiet in the store.

05-30-2007, 11:35 PM
41)Am not allowed to draw comics about being a waitress.

42)Especially when it makes fun of the manager.

43)Am not allowed to comment on a fellow waitress's ass when accidently running into it behind the counter.

44)No matter how saucy I'm feeling

45)Singing My Chemical Romance's "Teenagers" at the top of your lungs is a major no-no.("B/c the drugs never work....They're gonna rip off your heads....All teenagers scare the living shit out me!"etc)

46) Even if it's just you and the cook at 7 in the morning.

47)And she's singing along with you.

48)NOt allowed to touch the coffee machine while it is working

49) Because the cook won't give a shit when you scream in pain.

50)nOr am I allowed to shout "satan is within this machine!" when said machine burns me.

51) the oven is not a good place to sleep

52) Even if it is warm and smells of fresh baked bread.

53)am not allowed to pop my head in on my day off and point and laugh at co-workers

54)Even if everyone is doing it.

55)I don't care if the fans run slow, you are not to call them retarded

56)call them "rotationally chalenged"

57)am not to mess with the desserts list

58)Especially when apple pie is served

59)I don't care if it's funny as hell, leave the sign alone!

60)'Seat yourself' does not mean "sit down and shut up, cause your gonna deal with the table you got"

61)When a big table arrives, do look out kitchen window and shout, "the herds returned!"

62)Even if everyone involved finds it funny

Mr. Rude
05-31-2007, 07:13 AM
65: Other peoples open e-mail accounts are not toys.

Got busted for that today...Apparently, young college students that are applying for jobs as "network security" types get kind of whiny when you send out spam e-mails about them loving cheese....

Through there open e-mail accounts...

That they leave open...

Days after they work their one shift a week...

Over & over again.

Hmmm...Network secure yet?

PS: It was a joke... No ill will at all, but holy dogs**t!! Don't be a whiny bitch about leaving your e-mail client open to potential EMPLOYERS that you're trying to impress about your security skills. If you're so good at your job...LOG OUT :devil:

PPS: I didn't know who was on the list anyways...I just hit "select all" for contacts.

I think this will be filed under "Lessons learned". :D

#316 Coworkers e-mail account are not toys...Even if they're stupid enough to leave them open over & over & over & over again.

You'd figure I'd have learned by now too.....DOH!!

05-31-2007, 11:47 PM
Adult toy store:
- not allowed to read Crime and Punishment at the counter - it confuses the customers
- not allowed to blackmail Professors for a better grade based on instore purchases
- not allowed to kiss my boyfriend in the store or parking lot
- not allowed to have visible hickeys
- not allowed to use real name
- not allowed to use Empress of the Galaxy as my replacement name

Process Camera Op/Press Assistant
- not allowed to tell a customer their ink choice "looks like baby poo"
- not allowed to make up beer/drink names while pasting up a menu
- not allowed to use the drill press for anything but paper
- not allowed to say the ABDick was forged by a minion in Hell
- even if it is true
- not allowed to laugh in a customer's face when they bring in their job
- not allowed to hang the "burning plates" sign on the door and take a nap when hungover

Nursing Home:
- not allowed to tell a coma patient they are having blueberry pancakes for breakfast while hanging their food bag
- not allowed to let my patient believe it is Christmas (she thought it was Christmas every day - I only corrected her if she was having a bad day )

House Manager (live/movie):
- not allowed to hang the poster for Clerks in the ice machine room
- even if it boosts morale
- not allowed to offer opinions on how the tour manager got her job
- even if the band agrees with me
- not allowed to offer the opinion that a certain performer’s girlfriend is a total b*tch
- until she is out of the lobby
- not allowed to scalp house tickets
- not allowed to “make the customer dance” for a 50 cent discount on their movie ticket
- not allowed to let the ushers assist in the judging
- not allowed to curse at the old house manager on the lobby payphone when he calls to say “you’re working Warren Miller and I’m not, neaner neaner”
- even if he does it every year
- not allowed to reveal to fans that the guys in that Christian band are total sluts judging by the talk backstage
- not allowed to convince the projectionist to splice the movie reels together out of order
- even if it does make the movie better
- not allowed to call the actor playing Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar by his real name
- not allowed to have the ushers act out Jurassic Park when the movie breaks
- not allowed to bribe the projectionist into breaking Jurassic Park on the sixth week of showings
- not allowed to take bribes from little old ladies to get backstage to see the Elvis impersonator
- not allowed to let the ushers “keep what they confiscate” at concerts
- not allowed to take bribes from ushers to work the balcony at those concerts
- not allowed to bribe ushers with the promise of many beers for working dance recitals
- even though they will really need them

06-06-2007, 03:09 AM
I am not allowed to make the cashiers call me "All Powerful One" when paging me over the intercom.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
06-06-2007, 03:38 AM
-"Bitchy McOntherag" is not an appropriate nickname for the girl in pharmacy
-Even though it's freakin' TRUE!
-Must never again refer to a co-worker's pants as being "not so much high-waisted as rising low on the nipples"
-Especially not when said co-worker just came up the stairs to the offices
-Even though it's freakin' TRUE!
-And made everybody in the breakroom die of laughter, especially because co-worker never figured out I was talking about him
-Must not recruit people to assist me in following stinky people around holding up funnoodles (to simulate cartoon stink-lines)

06-06-2007, 04:40 PM
- not allowed to hang the poster for Clerks in the ice machine room

Well, that's no fun.

Why not?

06-06-2007, 08:54 PM
Because the poster says "We may have to serve you, but we don't have to like you". A board member saw it and thought that it sent out the wrong message, because what if a customer saw it? Nevermind that if a customer was in that room, they would have had to go thru a locked door, past the people working at the counter, thru a small storeroom to get to the ice machine room.

06-07-2007, 04:40 AM
-not allowed to question my supervisor's sanity.
-even if he's crazier than I am.:angel:

(Oh yes, I forgot to mention, this one is real. We were discussing bad movies and Tom Cruise's behavior came up and I said "Yeah, the way he's acting makes you look sane." My Ops manager agrees with me too!)

06-07-2007, 03:21 PM
Because the poster says "We may have to serve you, but we don't have to like you". A board member saw it and thought that it sent out the wrong message, because what if a customer saw it? Nevermind that if a customer was in that room, they would have had to go thru a locked door, past the people working at the counter, thru a small storeroom to get to the ice machine room.

Ah. I see. That sucks. Of course, the customer just MIGHT have a damn good reason to be back there, you know. (Yeah, I know...)

As a customer, I would LOVE to see a Clerks poster in a work setting. That means my kind of people work there. :D

06-08-2007, 01:29 AM
My office has speakers throughout playing music softly throughout the day... Well a select few in my area hate the music playing, so they requested the speakers be disabled by our cubes...

I enjoyed the music and made it known... but they didn't care. The music would help me drown out all the chatter going on around me so I could focus and do work!

Well someone told me why don't I just wear headphones... so guess what? I started wearing headphones...

Next thing I know one day I'm there working hard with my headphones on and one of the ladies who wanted the speaker disabled comes darting around my cube door yelling at me... Apparently she feels I should not be wearing headphones since she can't tell over the walls to talk to me... I guess she was trying to get my attention hollaring over the walls and I was unable to hear her...

So now I can't wear headphones... and I can't listen to the office music... Bundle of joy this group is...

06-09-2007, 07:13 AM
Detroitmotor...If I were you - I'd just sing as loud as I could. Maybe they'll let you have the music back then. LOL.

What I can't do at work?
*slap the obnoxious soccer moms botoxed heads silly
*eat bad children

06-11-2007, 06:06 AM
I could write about this forever.

1. Not allowed to tell an obese customer who orders a large diet soda to go with their meal consisting of enough food to feed 3 people that their diet isn't working.

2. Not allowed to cackle maniacally when a customer tells a lame joke and expects you to laugh. Unless there's no one in the store, they're in the drive-thru and your mic isn't on.

4. Not allowed to take food that's been brought back because, well, it just didn't look right or there are chives on it and GOD KNOWS some little green circle things are going to ruin your entire day and fling it so hard into the reject bin that you hear a satisfying crunch and it makes the customer jump. Unless your manager isn't looking and you totally know you can take this whiny prick in a fight.

5. Not allowed to tell a customer that they "would suck" if they were going to try to abuse the 40 coupons for 2 free chalupas, one visit only coupons.

6. Not allowed to tell a customer in the drive-thru that you don't know where the soft drinks are on the menu they're looking at because it's 40 feet away and facing away from you, and "Right on the menu" is not an answer when they ask.

7. Not allowed to tell a customer they're not funny when they tell you a racist joke because they think that as a member of the same race you'll be ok with it and think they're cool. Wait, actually, you are allowed to, next time it happens forget everything you've been ordered to think at this job about how customers are holy and you should actually be blowing them instead of just doing your job and tell them they're not eating at this store today and please get the fuck off our property.

8. Seriously, the guy wearing the torn-up Britney Spears concert t-shirt is just way too cool for anyone to make fun of, and because I wish I had rocks his size none of my co-workers are allowed to make fun of him.

9. Not allowed to wonder aloud why there's suddenly a weird rotten egg smell permeating throughout the store, or ask the manager if a natural gas line might be broken, even though everyone else smells it.

10. Not allowed to make smiley face patterns in the personal pan pizzas we're making you make.

11. Not allowed to keep breadsticks that are at least 5 times older than we're allowed to keep and keep switching out the time stap thingy just in case you get a huge asshole of a customer who orders breadsticks.

12. Not allowed to wonder aloud who these kids blew to get a place like the one they live in, and what chemicals they drank underneath the sink to let their backyard go to complete and utter shit in less than 6 months.

13. Not allowed to rewire the muzak after the inside of store closes to play underground death/thrash metal, unless everyone in the store knows that the guy everyone hates can't stand anything except for hip-hop and it's fun to watch him squirm.

06-15-2007, 05:04 AM
9. Not allowed to wonder aloud why there's suddenly a weird rotten egg smell permeating throughout the store, or ask the manager if a natural gas line might be broken, even though everyone else smells it.

I agree to this one. It's probably better to save yourself and bolt out the door.:devil:

06-21-2007, 05:39 PM
When a group of potential recruits come around on a group stage interview (being shown the company at work), I am not to leave inpirational messages on my document holder in sales (especially today's of "I am chained to the desk in this phone bank. Please call the police.")


06-24-2007, 08:17 AM
Do the drive-thru in German (I was able to do the fron counter in German when I got a german speaking couple, it was awesome, and we had a good laugh at my feeble attempts to speak their language, they said I did okay)

Tell customers "Good Luck" after they start pulling away at the Drive-Thru (Even though the manager found this funny as hell)

Scare the little children. (Not me, co-worker on his way out of the store)

Make customers laugh so hard they spill their drink.

Quote George Carlin

Tell jokes over the Headset to the other people when they are taking orders up front (Even my managers were guilty of this one, we can't help it sometimes)

When the Church Group comes in start doing a ritual involving the tiny french fries, the biggest onion ring ever, and the insane guy in the back, calling forth the "Gods of Heart Attacks, and Colly-ster-all!!!"

Try to convert the workers in the back to join a cult that worships the bird that nests in the sign. (It was 9 in the morning, I just drank 6 coffees with 20 packets of sugar a piece. I was a little high on it)

06-25-2007, 04:04 AM
When trying to find new people to work, am not allowed to call up guy I like just because "I want to see that fine ass in his tight black pants" everytime i come to work.

Even if the cooks think he's hot as well.

And would love a "change of scenery" as well.

When calling a potential employee, do not use the phrase "get your fat lazy ass up here and get this damn job before K calls stacy!" as your hello.

Do not answer the phone by saying "Hello, hell operater, let me transfer you're call" and stick phone near radio where rob zomie is blarring.

Even if it was the boss and found it entertaining and thoughtful.

Not allowed to say, yes we deliver, even though we have no way of doing, just so we could get rid of said person who asked.

Even if they were a douche.

And the cooks found it genius.

06-25-2007, 06:39 AM
When trying to find new people to work, am not allowed to call up guy I like just because "I want to see that fine ass in his tight black pants" everytime i come to work.

Even if the cooks think he's hot as well.

And would love a "change of scenery" as well.

Why not? I had a pseudo-manager who was allowed to interview people hire girls based on mostly their looks. Probably half the girls he hired quit within a month. The rest not even that.

Anyways, Broomjockey's "Not allowed to do at work" Residence edition:

*Deactivate co-worker's prox cards so they can't get into the building or use the elevators.

*Schedule a wake-up call at 8 for my co-worker who finished work at 6.

*Inform summer guests that we are a STUDENT RESIDENCE for 2/3rds of the year, and therefore having carpeted rooms with a TV would be supremely stupid. People stay here because it's cheap and convenient.

*Call the RA because someone didn't say hi to me on their way past...

*Call the RA at 3 in the morning because I'm lonely...

*In fact, I'm not allowed to call the RA anymore at all, my co-worker now has to.

*Not allowed to take yesterday's papers and burn them in the abandoned lot next door.

cinema guy
06-25-2007, 11:12 AM
*Schedule a wake-up call at 8 for my co-worker who finished work at 6.

If anyone did that to me, that would be a death penalty offence. :D

06-25-2007, 03:05 PM
*Not allowed to take yesterday's papers and burn them in the abandoned lot next door.

Grab a few bags of marshmallows, too, and invite everyone. :D

06-25-2007, 03:37 PM
Grab a few bags of marshmallows, too, and invite everyone. :D

Grab weenies too. I hate to waste a good bonfire.:angel:

06-26-2007, 03:18 AM
Grab weenies too.

:eyewaggle: :angel: :devil:

06-26-2007, 10:56 AM
Grab weenies too. I hate to waste a good bonfire.:angel:

I've got a few co-workers who qualify. And there's a grocery store a block over, so we can grab anything we need :D

06-26-2007, 02:06 PM
I am not allowed to tell customers the truth.

"Ma'am, that computer kiosk is not meant to be a toy for your children. It is for people who want to apply for jobs, and frankly, your children are too young."

"Ma'am, I can't return this. If you didn't keep the box or the reciept and want to return it now, how the hell am I supposed to do that? Hrmm?"

06-29-2007, 04:34 AM
I am not allowed to refer to the cashiers as minions.
I am not allowed to have them take out the trash.
Even if that is what having minions is good for.
I am not allowed to tell the customers that my boss is a liar.
Even if he is.
I am not allowed to tell the customers that my boss is a lazy SOB.

07-02-2007, 01:42 AM
-Not allowed to tell new employees that the cooks are CIA members during the school year and will arrest them for the slightest error when billing customers.

-Am not allowed to say that the oldest waitress is really a dominatrax at night, but likes to practice during the day.

-Even if she thinks it'll make us more money doing that.

-Am not allowed to stay after the boss lets me leave early, sitting at a table, pointing and laughing at the others and eating great food that I don't have to pay for.

-Even if they joined me later on and we chatted for almost a half hour.

-Am not allowed to hit register and yell "bam bam!!" when it does not want to do my bidding.

07-11-2007, 04:25 AM
I couldn't make it to the bottom of the page without giggling so hard I almost hit the desk. Multiple times. I just cant make it through the whole thread. Sooooo....

I'm sure someone has mentioned this, but JIC:

The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army (http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3)

(Also, go to Skippy's Silly Stories and read about the "Surprise" :angel: )

07-11-2007, 08:33 PM
Crawl into the cold bar cup cabinet and fall asleep for an hour
Crawl into the hot bar cup cabinet and fall asleep for an hour
Crawl into anything and fall asleep

07-12-2007, 02:27 AM
I'm not allowed to wear party hats when it's not my birthday. :(

07-12-2007, 03:32 PM
If a customer tries to hit me, I am not allowed to defend myself. In fact, the rest of the store has to evacuate while I am being beaten to a bloody pulp.

Only one person may open a store. Everyone else has to be "out of sight". This is in case the person opening the store gets attacked, the rest of the employees can call 911 when they can't see the opener getting attacked. This is strictly enforced when the opener is a petitie female and the rest of the opening crew is a bunch (4+) of guys, all over 6'3" and muscular.

If the store is being robbed, we are not allowed to trip the silent alarm. We are to call 911 after the robber leaves. (So what's the point of the silent alarm?).

If someone tries to steal something, we are not allowed to stop them.

07-14-2007, 08:09 PM
No matter how much they piss me off, I can't kill any of the vendors.

No kissing on the salesfloor either (I wouldn't dare:angel:)

Irving Patrick Freleigh
07-18-2007, 02:13 AM
I am not allowed to sing any of the following golden hits while on the clock:

-"Longview" by Green Day
- Especially not the "I smell like shit" part.
- Anything by the Bloodhound Gang
- "Bad Day" by some weenie
- "You're Beautiful" by some other weenie
- "Turning Japanese"
- Even though that song freaking RULEZ!
- "I touch Myself"
- In fact, don't sing period. My grade-school honors choir voice isn't what it used to be

07-19-2007, 04:57 PM
I am ... discouraged from ... drawing an eye on a post-it note, sticking it to my forehead, and claiming that it's my all-seeing third eye, and it is ... unwise ... to make it stare at people.


07-20-2007, 01:27 AM

They're no fun, Raps!!!!!!!!!

07-20-2007, 02:17 AM
I am not allowed to tell people that Big Brother is watching them, and point at the giant poster of the king's face.
I'm forbidden from making any reference to 1984 comparing it to our store, no matter how true it is.
I'm not allowed to say that we were ever at war with East Asia.

07-20-2007, 03:03 AM
Not allowed to very slightly stress to customers...for the THIRD time in less then a minute...that we don't have the setup for debit. Story coming soon if anyone is interested.

07-20-2007, 03:12 PM
Story soming soon if anyone is interested.

Interested. :wave:

07-20-2007, 03:35 PM
Interested. :wave:


07-20-2007, 08:54 PM

New York abstains.... courtiously.
I haven't seen this movie in god knows how long. But seriously, Thirded.

07-22-2007, 05:30 AM
I may not ever hit a goose with my broom
Even if the goose started it
Especially not in front of the park guests
Letting the goose attack the dustpan while herding it away from the park guests it is attacking is A-okay even though they weren't supposed to be feeding the birds in the first place

It is not appropriate to intentionally give the park guests the wrong directions
No matter how funny it is to watch them get lost.

I may not tell the park guests that we let the lions out after nine.
Even if they are staying on grounds after closing time.

I hope I was amusing.

07-24-2007, 02:15 AM
I am not allowed to leave my mess for anyone else to clean up. Even if that is what minions are for.

07-28-2007, 09:09 AM
I am not allowed to walk up behind the company secretary two days before the biggest event of our year and ask him what he's forgotten.


07-29-2007, 08:40 PM
I am not allowed to kidnap patrons and hold them hostage by refusing to give them their tabs, even if we ARE a pirate bar.

08-07-2007, 07:51 AM
Movie Theatre

-I am not allowed to stand in a customer's way, clear my thoat and point to the trash he/she left in his/her seat.
-I am not allowed to shoot spitwads at movie watchers from the projector booth window.
-I am not allowed to slide drinks to people over the concession counter like a cool bartender, as paper cups don't slide quite like the glass ones do.
-When a customer complains about the prices of popcorn, drinks, candy, etc., I am not allowed to respond with "Maybe you're just poor."
-When an old couple asks what movie is good, I am not allowed to say "Saw III"
-I am not allowed to signal the ticket ripping guy to not let someone in, and insist the ticket is fake.
-When I am the ticket ripping guy, I am not allowed to look at a clipboard and say "Yo not on da list..." to customers.
-I am not allowed to streak through The Omen on opening night with my boxers on my head screaming "ANTI-CHRIST!!!" (This I actually did... after I quit)
-When directing movie-goers to their auditoriums, I am not allowed to say "Auditorium 11 on the right" (we only have 10)

Carl's Jr.

-When told by the general manager that I don't smile at customers enough, I am not allowed to respond by saying "I don't get paid enough to smile"
-When a customer asks "Can I get a cheeseburger?", I am not allowed to respond with any of the following:
"Excuse me while I consult my supervisor about this."
"What's a cheeseburger?"
"What's in it for me?"
-While working at drive-through, seeing as we only have one window for food pickup, I am not allowed to tell a customer to drive to the second window.
-When locking the doors when we close, I am not allowed to stick my tongue out at people trying to get in.
-When a heavy wave of customers come in when I am already exhausted, I am not allowed to lose it and go on a screaming rant about how fat they're all going to get from our food, or how fat they already are, or about how they'd be better off eating meat that wasn't squeezed out of one of those Play-Doh thingies.
When someone throws a drink into our drive-through window as a prank, reporting his license plate number to the police is the only necessary action. I am not allowed to hunt him down, tie his feet to cinderblocks and throw him in the lake.

Wal-Mart (cartpusher)
-I am not allowed to block in someone's car with 80 shopping carts.
-I am not allowed to clock in, spend 6 hours sipping hot chocolate at the nearby Starbucks, and clock out.
-I am not allowed to get on the PA and threaten all Wal-Mart shoppers that I will hurt a kitten for every shopping cart that isn't returned.
-I am not allowed to dispose of the shopping carts that are not returned, hoping that once the supply of carts diminishes completely, people will get the message.

08-11-2007, 03:07 PM
I am still not allowed to play with the officers' handcuffs. :(

I'm also not allowed to put smiley face stickers on cops' butts, even if they don't notice for a while and it entertains coworkers.

08-11-2007, 07:18 PM
Not allowed to try and "revive" the produce, even though I swear that some of the products are revivable.

Tomatoes are not funny, no matter how much I think they are.

Not allowed to play Horseshoes with broken onion rings and chicken fries (still frozen) even though they are expired and we're just gonna throw them out.

I'm not allowed to tell certain co-workers to "hop in" when I'm taking the garbage out. Double when it comes to a manager. Triple when it comes to a customer. (I've only done it to a co-worker)

08-11-2007, 10:15 PM
I'm not allowed to tell certain co-workers to "hop in" when I'm taking the garbage out. Double when it comes to a manager. Triple when it comes to a customer. (I've only done it to a co-worker)

I've heard that offer made to a couple of coworkers with our baler.

Can't recall who would do such a thing though :whistle:

Irving Patrick Freleigh
08-11-2007, 11:03 PM
Okay, this didn't happen at work, but it still cracks me up to this very day. It happened a few years ago when I was visiting the Wisconsin State Fair with some friends.

During a performance by the Kids From Wisconsin (http://www.kidsfromwisconsin.com/), it is not funny to yell out in your best stoner metalhead voice "I wanna hear IRON MAN!"


08-15-2007, 03:54 AM
I am no longer allowed to tell customers that Microsoft sacrifices virgins in master Chief outfits to keep Halo 3 exclusive to the 360.

08-17-2007, 11:03 PM
Thou shalt not...
Ask a customer for an autograph...
no matter how much they look like Chuck Norris.

Use paper airplanes to pass messages to other cashiers...
or to play tic-tac-toe.

Inform customers that they can not find an item they are looking for because it has, in fact, been moved to a store in a nearby dimension.

This one happened to another co-worker.
Use your phone while on the clock...
not even to send a text message...
while waiting for a receipt to print...
for the owner's wife's order! :grats:

08-19-2007, 06:53 PM
Thou shalt not...
Ask a customer for an autograph...

I ALWAYS ask for autographs...when customers are about to sign the CC receipts. :lol:

08-23-2007, 01:13 AM
Not allowed to wield a peanut-butter coated spatula, crouch down to midget height, and chase E around. (When it's busy, at least. When it's slow, this is prime entertainment.)

08-25-2007, 07:05 PM
I ALWAYS ask for autographs...when customers are about to sign the CC receipts. :lol:

here's another one for you, it is generally considered inappropriate in polite company, or while behind the milk rack to pop your head out and moan "...brains..." near passing children.

08-26-2007, 01:30 PM
It's inappropriate to teach my coworkers the zombie tag game.

And, from a story a work mate told me- a friend of hers worked at a supermarket. They had quite large hollow kickstools to get up to the very high shelves.

It is not appropriate to crouch on the floor, pull one over your head and wander around pretending to be a Dalek.

09-29-2007, 04:12 AM
I am not allowed to smack the customers upside the head with the salmon no matter how much they deserve it.

10-04-2007, 12:21 PM
After reading the entire thread...

- If the chair in the back office is broken, take it out to the dumpster. Don't leave it there for the boss to sit in later when he forgets it is broken. Even if it is funny to hear the giant CRASH! then the sound of him cursing later on from the front of the office.

That reminds me of a family reunion a couple of years ago... some of us were staying with one of my cousins. When showing us around the place, he said "I forget which of these chairs is the broken one" just before sitting on said broken chair. The chair collapsed in such a way that he went face-first into the wall.

-answering customer's questions in American Sign Language is not okay.

Unless of course they're deaf. My boss was excited to see Auslan (Australian sign language) on my CV, aparently there's a semi-regular customer who's deaf.

Got busted for that today...Apparently, young college students that are applying for jobs as "network security" types get kind of whiny when you send out spam e-mails about them loving cheese....

I used to find that kind of thing a lot at uni, I'd send people messages from their own email address reminding them to log out.

And a couple of contributions:
-I should not make nametags that say Ahatdis Fakeenjob or Awilbe Fayed (say them out loud).
-Also, no encouraging co-workers to make tags that say Satan or Yoda.
-stop writing "do you like pants?" in the site diary every week. (a co-worker did this, we never figured out who)
-stop drinking the cleaning products (written in the diary one day, possibly related to the above)
-not allowed to self-administer first aid if there are customers in the store. (who cares if you get burnt when there are people waiting for hot food?)
-not allowed to charge "five hundred cents" for a $5 sale. Even though they're the same amount of money.
-don't race the floor buffer against the pallet jack.
-also a friend of mine who works as a chef is not allowed to ask the apprentices to crumb peas.

10-06-2007, 07:10 PM
I am not allowed to tell people they are idiotic entitlement whores.

Even if they come in at 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon and expect us to have openings for every possible spa treatment right then.

Even if they fuss at me because we shuold just know they wanted to come in and should have held appointments.

Even if they called and we told them we didn't have any openings and then they came in because of course we must have been lying on the phone.

Even when they call me a b*tch and incompetent.

.........I am not allowed to kill people.

10-07-2007, 05:00 AM
Another one a co-worker thought up today... it's probably not a good idea to refer to the 10% ethanol fuel as "alcohol", and especially not a good idea to dare customers to drink it.

10-16-2007, 01:57 AM
it is generally considered inappropriate in polite company, or while behind the milk rack to pop your head out and moan "...brains..." near passing children.

Although very funny (must try that at school during lunch), I do believe you are right, it is not good to do, especially since Resident Evil Extinction just came out. (hehe)

When cleaning the K of C Hall:

-am not allowed to challenge fellow cleaners to "table raisers" races

-am not allowed to touch alcohol that is "locked" away

-even when the other cleaners have keys

-and the cabinet itself is easily pulled open

-am not allowed to point and laugh at local cops because I am legally able to be out passed curfew

-cannot play with the bands pretty and expense toys

-even if they leave them out where anyone can touch them

-and they're too drunk to notice

At Festival: (our school/church has a festival every year and I have worked it 3 years now and must share with you the mindlessness of it all)

-am not allowed to come dressed as a pirate and proclaim "I fight ye for this booty" when working Treasure Island (prize booth)

-am not allowed to pull the drawers back on the Fish Pnd when the kids still have their hands in them

-even if they have already shoved the drawers back at you when their prize has not shown up

-am also not allowed to toss coins over the top of the Fish Pond at stupid jr high kids that think a penny is really a nickel.

-even when they toss them at you first

-the Cake Booth is not the Karoke booth, so please don't sing White Rabbit or Go Ask Alice while working it

-the Animal Parade may look easy, but when you've spent $20 in 5 minutes, you know you have a gambling problem (basically tip tickets with numbers that are highlighted, and you win a stuffed animal. Highly addictive game.)

-you may not taunt your teachers or fellow students with prices they have picked while working Treasure Island

-nor may you not toss said prize at them and yell "heads up!"

-espcially is said prize is more than 2 ft tall and 2lbs or more in weight or made of any kind of hard plastic or metal

-may not stick fingers in cakes when working the cake booth or the cake receiving room, even if it is the one your mom baked.

-though treatening underclassmen with their lives is fun, you may not, under any circumstance, make them walk the plank on Treasure Island for winning you a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting instead of the chocolate cake with chocolate forsting you requested

-even if the whole festival finds it entertaining

-may not spend "pirated game funds" on the poker game

-even if you win it all back 3 fold

- I said no, the money is for charity man, get away from the poker booth, now!

At the resturant:

-may not sing from the back "Everbody's Working for the Weekend" at the top of your lungs

-especially since we only work weekends as it is

-may not confiscate customers soup spoons after the third "this soup isn't hot enough" complaint

-may not make the customers walk the plank from the fire escape when the spoon is returned and they still complain

-may not quote "Go Ask Alice" lyrics to customers that just walked in

-even if it's your teacher/coach

-and he knows the song and sings along

-may not call co-worker a "dryed out poopy head that sucks pickles"

-even if he is one *pouts*

-no pouting:D:p

10-19-2007, 11:06 AM
I typed this up and my POS laptop did something right before i hit backspace, so it hit the back button and I lost it, so let me see if i can remember them

not allowed to race the pallet jacks down "the hill" caused by our parking lot slanting for drainage

even to smite the company for making the hill friggin steep

not allowed to crush the co manager's head

even if he thinks 50 carts is plenty for our GC door (they put 70-80 into the store at the same time at noon on sundays)

and thinks the best temporary storage place for a scissor lift is THE CART BAY!

and doesn't respect anyone(even assistant managers)

ditto for the demon woman people greeter

even if she constantly whines about how she can't put a baby in a wet cart(I think it may have a shot at surviving, but a wet ass, that's pretty extreme)

and all I had to say to get her to STFU about how i'm going to get a cold pushing carts in that weather was tell her that I wouldn't call in(great to know she cares about me LOL)

they won't even let me crush the head of the demon cashier, who has had customers complain about her being rude several times

even though she thinks women can't do carry outs, even on light things. I wonder what she thought about our department manager of furniture being female and helping me on carry outs numerous times

even when she yells at me for *gasp* filling up the cart bay at our main door one morning(I used to work 8-12 m-f which was pretty kick ass and we were allowed to line up a few extras in front of the store, so I could fill it up in the morning)

when asked "can I have one of these(carts)" the best response is probably not "no bitch, get your own"

when asked "why'd you hit my muu fuckin truck?" the best response is probably not "why'd you run my muu fuckin stop sign?"

even though my assistant manager would probably have to hurry the customer out of the office so she could shut the door and laugh

I kinda got lucky on that one, I laughed at her, I said "you ran the stop sign, I couldn't stop" but the laughing may have been unprofessional

I can't sing "Move Bitch" by 3 6 Mafia and Ludacris

or any other song by 3 6 Mafia or Ludacris

even if the bitch does, in fact, need to move

when asked "where's Wal Mart?" I probably shouldn't send them down the road and tell them to just keep going, they can't miss it or direct them to the competition

or the local sporting goods store to get some hockey pads

I'm also not allowed to throw people out of the store

even if they're just going to hurt themselves out of stupidity and sue

I haven't done any of those, but damn i've wanted to

10-27-2007, 02:28 AM
From the coffee shop:
-Not allowed to refuse caffinated drinks to a person on the grounds that it would make them "unbearably annoying"

-Do not refer to a customer's requested extra-hot drink as "lava java".

-When asked how many grams of fat are in a given pastry, a responsible employee does not respond with "too damn many."

-Nor "Fuck if I know."

-The samples are for the customers.

-I AM allowed to pretend to be my female coworker's girlfriend in order to get rid of an overly amorous customer. I am allowed only because Management laughed a lot.

-Whipped cream wars are to be kept strictly between the lower level employees.

-MODs are only to be involved if they started it. If store managers are involves, stern looks WILL be issued all around.

-No cross-words on duty. Even on a slow day.

-Asking customers for the crossword answers one didn't get is only a good idea if one is not caught.

-DO NOT SING the incredibly offensive WWII song one just learned from a coworker.

From the Hotel
-Not allowed to hook up a PS2 to the lobby television in order to watch movies.

-Especially not Psycho.

-Please do not leave the lobby TV on the channel showing Girls Gone Wild.

-Refrain from laughing at customers until they're fully out of the lobby.

-It is never proper to answer a guest's protests about a room deposit by citing any reason involving beer residue, drug paraphenalia, or bodily fluids of any kind.

-One may only dance to the music when guests are not present.

-Do not flash or shake one's fanny for the security cameras.

-Training the new employee is NOT an opportunity to nap.

-Using the black permanent marker to color in the scuff marks in your boots makes the area smell like adolescent delinquence for hours afterwards.

-Do not demand a reward for not telling the incredibly-sure-of-his-entitlement customer that the young man working on the ceiling is the owner, not the handyman. Said reward will not come.

-It is unprofessional to give a customer the finger, though delicately hidden behind the counter. It may be hidden from the customer, but the security cameras see all.

10-28-2007, 03:34 PM
While I am allowed to occasionally wear fancy toothpicks in my cap, I really shouldn't tell customers it's to keep my brain in place. :D

11-01-2007, 10:48 AM
Inspired by something that happened today:

I am not allowed to challenge customers to belching contests. If a belching contest starts anyway, I should let the customer win.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
11-06-2007, 02:10 AM
When the song "Physical" by Olivia Newton John comes on the PA, and she gets to the part where she sings "Let me hear your body talk," I am not allowed to say "Okay!" and cut the biggest fart I possibly can.
Even though my coworkers found it life-threateningly funny.
And started imitating me.

11-06-2007, 06:33 AM
Wow, do I wish I'd had the guts to do some of this stuff when I was still working! Here are mine - this is the definitive list for the moment, until I get another job.

While working at the chemist/ drugstore
- After-hours is for store presentation, not a store-wide Hide and Seek contest.
- The wheeled pallets are for moving heavy stock, not staging a real-life version of Mariokart in the delivery bay.
- London is in no danger of a Zombie holocaust, so I must keep my mind on the job and stop creating my contingency plan.
- I am young, white and middle class, so I must stop pretending to be a 90 year old Jamaican woman on the "confidential" store surveys.
- I am not allowed to conduct conversations in animal noises with other colleagues, even if you both understand one another perfectly.
- Wheeling heavily laden trolleys by myself during open hours is against the health and safety rules, so there must always be a person to help me.
- But two people wheeling trolleys is just a bad use of time, so ignore the completely vital Health and Safety act.
- I must not smack my colleague's butt in the store.
- Even if he enjoys it.
- I am an "operations assistant," not a "stock monkey."
- Not allowed to request a change of music at Christmastime.
- Even if we've been playing the same 40 songs on loop for the past three months.
- Even if I did bring a replacement CD, and it's not "Xmas in the 909!" this time.
- Not allowed to file a customer complaint about a superior, especially if it contains grounds for termination.
- Not allowed to speculate on which drug my manager uses to keep her husband married to her.
- I am not allowed to laugh at a customer's name, even if it is "Squirrel Smith."
- "My section is haunted" is not a valid reason for a section transfer.
- Even if it bloody well is!
- Faking stomach flu to get off work results in a written warning.
- Actually having stomach flu and taking the day off work results in a written warning.
- The air conditioning is a Lie.
- My Chemical Romance is not suitable store music. Nor is Muse, Rammstein, lostprophets, AFI, the Doctor Who Soundtrack, or anything else in your music collection. Except Jack Johnson. We'll play him to death.
- Not allowed to yell "Hooocheeeee MAMA!" in any context, at any time.
- Not allowed to write the lyrics to My Chemical Romance's "Blood" on the walls of the pharmacy - "I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough..."
- No singing that anywhere near the Pharmacy.

While temping at a small London production company
- No playing "fruit darts" with the display fruit and people walking under the window.
- No dressing scruffier than the managers. This is not usually a problem.
- No snerking at the suits your superiors seem to think look good on them, even if they are blue and pink.

11-07-2007, 04:45 AM
Oh! Oh! Just remembered these.

- Not allowed to refer to new hires as "Fresh meat to taint and corrupt."
- Same goes for looking at them and laughing in any form.
- When asked for tips for a new hire in my former department, "Find a small, infrequently visited area and hide." is not acceptable.

All are true. I have fun messing with new hires.:devil:

11-07-2007, 12:16 PM
I am not allowed to use my Evil Laugh™ at work, even on Halloween, because it's "too good" and gives my manager the heebie-jeebies.

11-08-2007, 06:49 AM
I'm not allowed to obey the late night radio DJ who wants people to stop what they're doing and dance whenever he plays a particular song.

11-15-2007, 12:42 PM
- No cracking bad jokes about killing prostitutes in front of your boss THEN remembering your boss was actually charged and jailed for doing so a decade ago. (3rd day on the job)

- No calling the two bosses Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

11-18-2007, 09:15 AM
- No cracking bad jokes about killing prostitutes in front of your boss THEN remembering your boss was actually charged and jailed for doing so a decade ago. (3rd day on the job)

I think that would have been my third and last day on the job...

11-19-2007, 01:02 PM
I lasted two weeks before telling them to shove their newspaper up their ass.

I was sooo tempted to take things further seeing I had all the remote access codes to their online news site. Maybe im just too nice :angel:

11-21-2007, 03:18 AM
- Respond to incredibly stupid e-mails with "Thank you for contacting X Company. Wrong. - Sage."
- Write down a customer's address and egg their house when I get off work.
- Yell something random like "The British are coming!" and then releasing the call.
- Send whiny customers a bottle of "No More Tears" shampoo. Yes, I love Maddox, btw.
- Throw my shoe at coworkers that won't get off of exercise machines when they're done, but instead decide it's chit chat hour.
- Put myself in idle and beat the hell out of cold transferring agents that have the balls to do so IN THE SAME BUILDING.

That's about it for now. :wave:

12-13-2007, 01:33 AM
-The axes in the greenhouse are for fire emergencies and not for weapons practise.

-I am not allowed to laugh maniacally in front of visitors.

-I am not allowed to introduce myself as 'Queen of the Ant Porn'.

-I am not allowed to instruct the secretaries on the best ways to dispose of a body and destroy the forensic evidence.

12-14-2007, 02:12 AM
-Lifts are for raising cars, not racing.
-Lifts are not to be referred to as 'Those-Magical-Car-Picker-Upper-Thingies' in front of customers.
-Floor Jacks are not to be placed on top of the I-beams. Not even if they are holding part of the roof up. Not even if they are held in place by chains.
-The plasma torch is not the proper way to remove bolts that the heads have broken off of.
-The plasma torch is not to be used as a lightsaber.
-Even if you are wearing a Darth Vader mask.
-Darth Vader masks do not qualify as proper eye protection.
-Darth Vader masks are not proper attire for speaking to customers.
-Don't wear Darth Vader masks to work.
-If you spill ATF on yourself, don't run into the customer waiting area screaming 'The car commited seppuku!'
-Don't run over to the dealership next door that services ambulances and hop in one to scare the tech working on it.
-Unless I approve it first.
-Or the guy deserves it. (He should bring back our scan tool when he said he would next time and then maybe I won't have to...)

12-18-2007, 12:46 PM
A Small List from the Drugstore, thing's that I've though of:

*Refer to my coworker as "Big Master General" over intercom
*Even if one of my manager's laughs her ass off about it
*Play Jenga with the large boxes of chocolate
*Even if the MOD is cheering us on
*And we get a tower almost seven feet high
*Don't call your coworker you're playing Jenga with over the intercom to say it is his turn.
*Even if it is, and no customers are in the store
*Don't brag about how you defyed Physics with your Jenga tower to customers
*Because they might be related to the DM.
*Do not stock obviously wet damaged goods on the shelf
*Especially if it is pepper spray
*Don't give the pepper spray to the pedophile looking co-worker and say "You know what to do with this, it looks like people use it on you a lot"
*Don't put the stuff you are holding behind the counter for people back on the shelves.
* Even if they are customers that you despise.
* Especially if its already paid for.
*Don't tape random boxes of cigarettes together
*Or leave just one pack in each carton you put on display
*Have a fight with clearance tags
*Say it was the ladder's fault that you broke a hanging sign.

12-24-2007, 10:20 PM
Play tag with the clearance and "as is" price sticker guns

Race each other in the pallets

Make forts out of the reusable boxes

Force all the SC's that stay after hours or make messes to help with cleaning up the store:devil:

12-25-2007, 04:46 PM
Do not call the radio station and have them anounce to the listining public that we got in 16 Wii's.

Not allowd to try and sell a rubber mallet to people buying the Remington 710 and 770 rifles as an accesorry.

Even if one does need a mallet to work the bolt on those cheaply made guns.

Not allowed to play "Spot the canadian" whileon the clock.

Even if it is really easy to spot them.

Not allowed to claim salvage rights on abandoned veicles in the parking lot.

Even if they have been there a month and management won't get around to calling a tow truck.

Not allowed to race coworkers across the snow/ice covered parking lot.

Even if I am wearing carbide snow cleats.

Especialy if coworkers don't know that I am wearing carbide snow cleats.

01-02-2008, 05:12 PM
Things You Mustn't Do in a Pet Store

Do not throw the snakes at customers.

Even if they asked to hold a snake.

Same goes for tarantulas.

Especially if they just mentioned their arachnophobia.

You still may not throw snakes at customers, even if they just made a rude comment about how snakes are a "man's pet" and asked why a girl is handling the snakes.

Do not ask children how they would feel if you locked them in a box with no air when they ask about getting a goldfish and a bowl- they do not know any better.

Do not ask children's parents if you may lock their children in a box with no air when they ask about getting a goldfish and a bowl- they do not know any better.

You may not wear nice trousers to work and pocket the Red Tailed Boa simply for the purpose of asking customers if they would like to see your trouser snake.

Asking new employees to spend some time socializing the Albino California King Snake is not polite when you know that said snake is the nastiest biter in the store and has been in the store for over a year due to the fact that it is impossible to handle him without very thick gloves.

New employees who run around the store screaming with the Albino California King Snake attached to their thumbs are not to be laughed at- at least, not while they are within hearing range.

When informed by a concerned customer that there is a dead fish in one of the tanks, it is not nice to respond, "FINALLY! I've been waiting all day to take my lunch!"

I am not permitted to hide geckos in my shirt.

The delivery person who drops off small animal shipments is not to be cornered and harangued about his company's poor care of breeding animals.

If I find a leopard gecko in the back stock room, obviously having escaped as a tiny thing and survived on loose crickets for months, if not years, which is now large and likes to bite despite its lack of teeth, the manager's desk drawer is NOT the appropriate habitat for said gecko.

The argument, "but the drawer is nicer than where it WAS living!" holds no water.

Loose crickets are for catching and tossing to the lizards and/or fish, not tossing AT the customers.

Customers who demand that you recount their crickets to make sure they really got 100 are not subject to the dumping of 100 crickets on their heads.

01-03-2008, 01:37 PM
Things You Mustn't Do in a Pet Store
You may not wear nice trousers to work and pocket the Red Tailed Boa simply for the purpose of asking customers if they would like to see your trouser snake.

I am still laughing about that one. Very nice.

01-12-2008, 03:55 PM
I am not allowed to tell my manager to 'stop acting like a little brother' even if he is.

01-15-2008, 05:18 PM
I am not allowed to sing when customers are in the store.

Especially when the lyrics include sex, blood, or violence.

Even though I'm in management now.

01-18-2008, 05:38 PM
*I am not allowed to use the paper shredder to make a hula skirt and give my boss the experimental results via Polynesian dance.

*I am not allowed to say, 'I'm from the government, I'm here to help' to unsuspecting members of the public.

*Chained to the lab bench is a metaphor, not an invitation.

*Not allowed to play porn music to encourage the colonies.

*Not allowed to leave visible marks on the post-docs.

01-18-2008, 08:22 PM
-Not allowed to make an Ultimate Latte Of Ultimate Destiny using one pump of every sauce/syrup (about 20 different flavors).
-Not allowed to run wash sink until the entire kitchen is full of suds, no matter how dirty it is.
-Not allowed to use hoses, packing tape, a sauce pump, a wrench, a pair of vice grips, some towels, an empty mop handle, a few mutilated cups, a tray, and a half-hour of company time to construct an Ice Melting Device to help facilitate the cleaning of the ice machine.
-Not allowed to empty the Irish Cream syrup bottle and fill it up with actual Irish Cream.
-Same goes for the espresso syrup and Kahlua.
-Not allowed to write horrible puns on the "drink of the week" chalkboard ("It's so cold outside...SNOW wonder you want a gingerbread latte!")
-Not allowed to sneak shots of espresso into kids drinks.
-Even if I can totally make them sweet enough that nobody will ever know.
-Not allowed to talk like a valley girl until my coworker starts pulling his hair out.
-Not allowed to talk like I'm from "Sowth Cah-uh-lah-nuh" either.
-Especially if the only word I can say correctly in that particular dialect is "Cah-uh-lah-nuh."
-Not allowed to bring my hamster in for show-and-tell, even if I'm off the clock.
-Not allowed to have contests to see who can drink the most espresso without visible effect, even if I'm sure I'll win.
-Especially if I'm sure I'll win.

01-19-2008, 02:16 AM
I am not allowed to tell my service manager that he needs to get dirty.
I am not allowed to throw an oily rag at my service manager after telling him he needs to get dirty.
Degreaser is not holy, nor should I try to bless peoples cars with it.
Even if the car did just randomly start by itself.
Telling customers that their car had to be sent to the farm because it would have a place to run and play is improper.
Especially after the customer just told me that was how they lost their first pet when they were a child.
Threatening to toss a lit match down a gas tank is wrong.
Even if the car is blocking my bay and I have work to do.
Telling customers that the ford house next door is really an elaborate park and ride is not funny.
Unless there are no ford salesmen in earshot.
When raising a car, I shouldn't randomly shout an obscenity and run.
Don't offer test drives to customers without any pesky salesmen in the car telling them to try and keep the car at legal speeds.
Especially the 08 Shelby 500 GT Mustang we have on the lot.
Cans of B12 are not be used as flamethrowers.
Do not hide behind my bench and shoot flaming B12 at my coworkers when they walk by.
Or at my service manager.
Or service writer.
Or salesmen.
Or parts guys.
Or the UPS guy.
Or the parts delivery guy.
I'm not allowed to ask who it is ok to shoot flaming B12 at.
Especially not while staring at one of the make-ready guys.
I shouldn't ask the make-ready guys to go find me a can of blinker fluid.
Or cans of vacuum.
Even if they are standing around in my bay getting in my way because they have nothing to do when it's raining outside.

01-25-2008, 07:07 AM
I may not scrape charcoal pencil dust onto the black seat cushions we use to make the drawing horses more comfortable seats.
No matter how funny it would be for someone to sit in it.

01-28-2008, 02:28 AM
I can't wander around the store with an orange and ask people if they want to see my navel.

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/laughing023.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

01-28-2008, 02:30 AM
I can't wander around the store with an orange and ask people if they want to see my navel.

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/laughing023.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

I just may have to try that. That's hilarious!

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-31-2008, 03:53 AM
When a coworker pisses me off, do not corner them in the backroom, take off my shoe and slam it against a box shouting "I WILL BURY YOU!"
When paging a coworker to call an extension ending in 9, may not change the 9 to "niner"
Therefore, no 1-4-niners, no 1-6-niners, no niners of any kind
The garbage compactor is not an escape chute. When a full dumpster is taken away and we're waiting for an empty one to be attached to the compactor, must not shimmy out the chute and make a break for it.
Not allowed to seal up CBFH in a huge box and put him on the truck to be shipped back to the DC
Unless we poke some airholes in the box
But CBFH does not deserve airholes.
Must not hang clipstips of condoms in front of magazines with Jamie Lynn Spears on the cover
Especially not the pleasure packs
Must not ask male coworkers to "pick up the checkout candy pull on aisle 4" (back in the day that was our way of saying there was a smokingly hot chick in that aisle"
Mooning is not an acceptable way to express displeasure with a coworker
Or an SC
Even though they deserve it!
Must resist temptation to pull Saydrah's "trouser snake" trick using the cheap-ass toy snakes in the toy department

02-03-2008, 12:12 AM
Not allowed to say that we hate anyone or anything.

Not allowed to say someone should be fired...even if it's true.

Apparently a DM from the Madtown division came into my store the other night, and overheard parts of a discussion and talked to a DM in my area, who talked to our DM, who talked to my manager, who talked to me about it.

I had to watch the tapes to try to figure out what was said.

The thing is, the discussion in question happened AFTER I left.