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Jester
01-29-2008, 02:52 PM
I know we don't propose violence toward others on this site, but is it permissible to hope that BB rots from the inside out? For a long time?

Not only is that permissible, but I imagine you are not alone in it.

As for CS not condoning violence towards people, something tells me if someone happened to commit some violence against BB, no one would object, here or otherwise.

Are you going to be posting an address for contributions from CS'ers?

I am not sure I understand this question.....

Take care of yourself, Jester. Please.

I have been, and I will. Cooked a lovely pasta dinner for my friend D-Rod, Flakey, and Photo Boy last night. We went through SEVERAL bottles of wine, and had a blast playing "I never." Fun for all, and good food too!

Have a pinata or six, meant to represent BB and charge people $1 a whack.

I love the idea, but no. We want to keep this positive, keep the focus on celebrating TD's life, and I don't think something violent like that, as well-meaning as it is, would be appropriate.

no one witnessed the deaths of ron goldman and nicole brown (except for OJ) and ron's father still filed a civil suit against OJ and won.... so there doesn't need to be a witness per se.... just proof that he caused her death, whether it's directly or indirectly.

There is apparently no proof that BB caused TD's death. Period.

As a side note, watch out that BB doesn't try to sabotage the proceedings in some way. I'll bet he really got off on playing the role of the grieving boyfriend, and doesn't want to lose the limelight. He may attempt to crash the celebration - I don't know how, but he might.

We are probably going to have the Celebration of TD at The Bar, where she worked with me and RW, and where BB is banned from ever entering. He CAN'T crash it if it's there. The other option we have considered is the Waterfront Bar, where TD once worked. If BB crashes that, he will probably end up dead. Also, on the flyers I am going to print up, we are going to have the involvement of the domestic abuse advocacy group prominently displayed, so hopefully he'll get the hint that he is not going to be welcome. I DO hope, though, that he calls me asking to attend. I so hope he does.

Becks
01-29-2008, 04:20 PM
I don't think something violent like that, as well-meaning as it is, would be appropriate.

You're right. I should've thought of that, myself.

What was I thinking? :ashamed:

Jester
01-29-2008, 04:22 PM
What most of us were thinking....if we can't beat the crap out of BB himself, why not beat the crap out of his effigy? Good idea, actually, very therapeutic....just not really appropriate. No worries though.

Rapscallion
01-29-2008, 04:48 PM
As for CS not condoning violence towards people, something tells me if someone happened to commit some violence against BB, no one would object, here or otherwise.


It's fair to say that we wouldn't approve, but as long as such didn't involve this site in any way, shape, or form, what could we do about it?

Rapscallion

Jester
01-30-2008, 04:22 AM
We are no longer having the memorial at The Bar. We may not be having one at all.

Allow me to backtrack. Earlier today I had called the local ASPCA again, and talked to the director, and she was all about it. (Who turns down free money, right?) I also called the local domestic abuse advocacy place and left another message for whoever it is I need to talk to. Still haven't heard back from them. Tonight I was supposed to sit down with Rockin' Manager at The Bar and hammer out the details of when and what, blah blah blah, for the memorial.

Then a friend of mine, A., came in to talk to me. She said she liked what I was doing, that it was really nice, but that it was "inappropriate" of me to be having the domestic abuse people involved, as TD had a history of getting boyfriends falsely arrested. I knew about this, and I never claimed TD was a saint, but as I told A., I also saw BB's handiwork. What I saw was not something that could be faked or done to oneself. Such as, oh, I dunno, a fist sized really black eye, or bruises on her neck in the shape of fingers...you know, the kind you might get from being choked.

A. told me I was all wrong about BB, that she's known him a while, he's a really nice guy, and he wanted to be part of the memorial. I told her very bluntly that that was NOT going to happen. 1. A lot of people would not show up if he was there. 2. *I* would not show up if he was there. 3. It was in his best interests to not show up, as not only would many people want to kill him, several would probably try. 4. Even if everything she was saying about him was true, he was not, by management decree, allowed to ever set foot in The Bar again.

Upon hearing this, A. asked to speak to my manager. I directed her to Rockin' Manager, and told her to "have fun with THAT conversation!"

A little bit later Rockin' Manager came up and told me about the conversation, in which A. basically told her that we were all "all wrong" about BB, blah blah blah, and finally after a little bit of this, Rockin' Manager told A. that she was walking away, and the conversation was over, period.

So this was bad, but nothing I had not expected. I actually expected BB to call me at some point to ask about being involved. Silly me...I expected him to act like a reasonable person. And yeah, the above is semi-reasonable. What followed.....was not.

About half an hour after A. left, two dirtbags came into The Bar, walked up to the hostess stand, dropped their pants, said, "This is for TD....Kiss our ass!" and then left. I heard about this, but did not see it, as I was bartending on the roof. (Had I seen it, I probably would have been fired for swinging at one or both of these assholes.) EVEN if you disagree with what I was planning for the memorial, this act was so atrocious, vile, disgusting, disrespectful, hateful, horrible, and over the top idiotic, that you have to wonder what person thinks that this is acceptable behavior in any way.

And so Rockin' Manager did something that I cannot in any way disagree with: she pulled the plug. She said flat out that we are not going to be having the memorial at The Bar, and frankly, I can't blame her. The last thing The Bar needs is that kind of circus idiocy.

The problem, of course, is that I am not sure we can do this ANYWHERE without these idiots showing up. A couple of friends have suggested various alternatives, such as having a small private ceremony, or having big burly guys at wherever we end up to take care of troublemakers, etc.

But I am discouraged, dishearted, disgruntled, disgusted, and several other words that start with "dis."

I tried to do something nice for someone who, while certainly flawed in many ways, was a sweet girl, and I get absolutely shit on for doing it.

What the fuck is WRONG with people? What is so wrong with doing something nice?

My guess is that BB just doesn't want to be associated with being an abuser. He certainly has A. snowed. I am going to try to talk to A. tomorrow to see if, perhaps, BB and his friends will agree to just stay the fuck away if I agree to focus the memorial just on TD and the ASPCA, and leave the domestic abuse place out of it. I doubt his word will mean shit, but it's a thought.

One thing they cannot stop me from doing, though, is having SOME kind of fundraiser for the ASPCA, and they cannot stop me from volunteering at the domestic abuse place. (I tried volunteering at the local animal shelter years ago, but they were very disorganized, and despite repeated phone calls from me, never bothered to call me back.)

No matter what I do, I expect more trouble from these people, probably including physical threats or acts against me.

When I was talking to my mom earlier about this, I said "I want this asshole dead." She said, yeah, metaphorically....and I stopped her. "No mom. I want him dead. Removed from the planet. No longer living. Not metaphorically, but really. People like this do not deserve to live."

There are people who say it is not up to me to decide who lives and dies. Perhaps not, but I can certainly have my OPINIONS on who should live and die.

BB deserves to die. And I would gladly dance on his motherfucking grave.

Pardon the profanity, but I am absolutely LIVID right now. I don't know whether I want to cry or beat the crap out of something. Maybe both.

Fuck. Just fuck.

MMATM
01-30-2008, 04:47 AM
Have the event. Somewhere. Ditching all the plans just lets BB win, again, and if anyone deserves to be sore about the whole thing, it's him.

Also, hire (or ask for volunteers) some burly guys (and/or girls) to bounce for you. Preferably with some sort of advantage (e.g. mace, nightstick if they're cops/security guards, but no guns or anything deliberately lethal) in case BB and/or company show up looking for trouble.

Next, throw out anyone who acts up like those two brainless fuckers. No warning. And if they resist (meaning as soon as they touch anyone, meaning literally anyone, shout "assault" and then self defense laws come into play, so physically removing them from the property becomes legal) throw them out in the literal sense. Also have them banned both from wherever you hold the event (preferably somewhere that has some prior connection to TD or friends) as well as The Bar, for life.

Call the police and inform them of the behavior, as well as the identities of the two aforementioned brainless fuckers. If there's any security footage (unlikely but hey, you never know) use that to get them nailed for public indecency and anything else you can. Also tell them that you suspect some similar behavior on [date of event] at [time of event] at [place of event] because they're deliberately antagonizing certain people and those people are scheduled to be there.

No matter what happens, make sure that you aren't the only one doing something for TD. Make sure there is an event, make sure it's well-known and widespread, at least among TD's friends, and make sure it stings BB to know that the women's advocacy group is in on the celebration so everyone knows about him.

Remember that you don't have to do all of this yourself. Enlist some equally-devoted and un-intimidated friends and have them do some of the required work.

MMATM
01-30-2008, 04:51 AM
Finally (with nods to Kusanagi or whoever pioneered this style), talk to A. Try and convince her that she's a fucking idiot / severely misguided / next on BB's list, and that she should get as far away from him as possible / kill him herself / lure him to a dark, out-of-the-way place near a convenient jetty. Also, tell her that her bashing of TD is out of line / insignificant next to BB's offenses / all of the above and that she should try to think about what TD and her friends went through / go get involved with someone so evil she'd hang herself to get out of it / just go hang herself, period. Lastly, remind her that BB is a manipulator / evil / abusive / the scum of the earth / on [insert deity here]'s shit-list for eternity / just going to do it again / all of the above and that if she really wants to take his side, she's also not welcome at the event for TD / she is no longer your friend / she should date BB, seeing as he's such a "great guy" / you will accept that and might be there for her when and if she's ever abused by BB or some other abusive dickwad.

Disclaimer: CS.com does not condone violence. Obviously there is/are a "correct" answer/answers to each of the above choices. No violence should be attempted or committed as a result, either directly or indirectly, of this or the previous post. -MMATM

RecoveringKinkoid
01-30-2008, 05:03 AM
Sadly, there will always be people like BB around.

And even sadder, there will always be people like A around. Which is almost worse.

MMATM
01-30-2008, 05:10 AM
And even sadder, there will always be people like A around. Which is worse.

Edited for the sad truthfulness. :(

Jester
01-30-2008, 06:04 AM
A. is actually, as I said, a very nice person. She is just misguided, as she has been fooled by BB. Remember, as an abusive manipulator, he is by definition used to making people think he is something he is not. A. is actually doing what she thinks is right, which is what makes all of this so much worse. Please don't judge her too harshly.

As for the rest....I am still too bitter and disspirited to comment on the rest of it. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe we'll get lucky and BB will walk in front of a Greyhound bus.

Eireann
01-30-2008, 08:26 AM
Is it possible you can go to the police, explain what's going on, and have a restraining order issued against BB and his toadies? That way, if they tried to crash your event, they'd get arrested.

And doesn't BB already have a criminal record? This wouldn't look good, to have him arrested for stalking his late girlfriend's former coworkers.

Jester
01-30-2008, 12:42 PM
Please excuse my post from last night. I was obviously not in my right mind.

We will have a memorial. We will raise funds for animals in TD's name. We will do this, and we will not tolerate any troublemakers. We are going to hammer out the details, but this will happen.

A couple of my coworkers last night told me that it is just not realistic for me to think that we are going to be able to do this. I respectfully disagree. Do I expect BB and/or his friends to attempt to cause trouble? I would be shocked if they didn't. We will deal with it at the time. I am not about to let this idiot and his friends dictate what I do in my life. Period. End of story. He may think he can control everything and everyone, but he is woefully mistaken, and is seriously underestimating me. I am not about to hide from him or bury my head in the sand for fear of what he may or may not do.

In short: fuck him.

Rahmota
01-30-2008, 01:27 PM
In short: fuck him.
Somehow I dont think you'd want to try that. I dont think they make a condom in stainless steel.

But I am not surprised by all this either. Good luck with things and hope it works out for the best for everyone involved.

morgana
01-30-2008, 01:35 PM
In short: fuck him.

Rather not, thanks. Although pouring mare musk on him and introducing him to my ex-neighbor's prize Clydesdale stallion might prove amusing.

On a different note: Jester, you have my undying respect. Don't let the bastard keep you from honoring your friend. Don't get yourself arrested, and please gods don't get yourself killed, but stand your ground.

I wonder what A's reaction would be upon learning of the scumbags' action?

I wonder what her reaction would be if BB's actions at the memorial (or those of his 'friends') was videotaped and shown to her?

If he's got her this snowed, probably just more excuses. But it might be worth hoping about.

Emrld
01-30-2008, 02:29 PM
Jester - get a copy of the book "Gift of Fear" and give a copy to A
(yes, this was just once again on Oprah - but there is truth to how our body will tell us something isn't right and we will ignore our fear, which puts us in danger)

monolayth
01-30-2008, 04:18 PM
if they do show up i suggest that the mc tell everyone so they can all point and laugh at them or something equally humilating.

MMATM
01-30-2008, 05:50 PM
Please excuse my post from last night. I was obviously not in my right mind.

No worries, Jester. It was late and I imagine you were too tired to deal with it. We (or at least I, but I think I speak for most of CS.com here as well) aren't about to lose faith in you doing what you know is right. You've proven that much.

Best of luck. And the contact offer still stands.

Jester
01-31-2008, 12:06 AM
Don't let the bastard keep you from honoring your friend. Don't get yourself arrested, and please gods don't get yourself killed, but stand your ground.

I wonder what A's reaction would be upon learning of the scumbags' action?

I wonder what her reaction would be if BB's actions at the memorial (or those of his 'friends') was videotaped and shown to her?

I am not about to let him from keeping me, or any of her other friends, from honoring her, remembering her, and celebrating her life. The memorial will go on. I will not get arrested (done that enough in my life, thanks), I will not (hopefully) get killed (though I do expect at some point threats of violence or violence itself against me), and I am not about to let this waste of carbon tell me what I can or cannot do.

I AM going to drop having the domestic abuse people there, not because he wants me to do so, but just so he and his friends have nothing to bitch about or cause a scene about. What, you don't think we should honor the memory of your girlfriend? What, you don't think we should raise money for animals, that your girlfriend loved? Yeah, how silly do you look?

I plan on showing A. a copy of the police report and the doctor's medical report, both of which are being sent to me by her parents.

As for BB and his friends at the memorial, they are not invited. Not just because *I* don't want them there, but because her family doesn't want him there. Chew on that, asswipe. You want to be at her memorial? Put one together yourself. (Note: something tells me a) he will show up anyway, b) he will not bother donating a thing to the ASPCA, and c) he will do something stupid, embarrassing, disrespectful, or a combination of the above.

if they do show up i suggest that the mc tell everyone so they can all point and laugh at them or something equally humilating.

I plan on going to the memorial fully armed.





With water guns. :D


Yep, someone acts up, I squirt them. Damn it, this is going to be a POSITIVE and FUN event honoring a sweet girl. If I have to use silliness to prevent someone from being an ass, I will.

Oh, that and we'll have a couple of large burly guys to remove any real problems.


Small update: it seems that the battery charges against BB from December were never dropped, and he was actually supposed to be in court this morning for arraignment on said charges. Not sure what the status of all that is, as it is all still murky, but the family is working with the appropriate agencies here to attempt to continue the prosecution on those charges. This was much needed good news to us today.

MMATM
01-31-2008, 12:43 AM
Small update: it seems that the battery charges against BB from December were never dropped, and he was actually supposed to be in court this morning for arraignment on said charges. Not sure what the status of all that is, as it is all still murky, but the family is working with the appropriate agencies here to attempt to continue the prosecution on those charges. This was much needed good news to us today.

HUZZAH!

That's excellent news! With any luck, BB will still feel the dry, uncomfortable, penetrating sensation so deserved by his ilk. Didn't somebody mention OJ Simpson before, and say something about a civil suit against BB? If not, someone should. Though that'd be a lot of time and effort and you'd need a real lawyer who knew all the details to be able to judge if there was a chance of winning.

Anyhow, good luck with A. Here's hoping that she comes around. :cheers:

Jester
01-31-2008, 02:01 AM
Bad news: Stepdad found out today that the battery charges against BB have been dropped, despite assurance from one of the agencies involved that it would be pursued. He is planning on asking a LOT of questions on that one.

Talked to him tonight while I've been making salsa.

Seshat
01-31-2008, 03:53 AM
Jester - get a copy of the book "Gift of Fear" and give a copy to A
(yes, this was just once again on Oprah

. . . wow. There's a book Oprah and I agree on.
(not that I know what else is on Oprah's lists)


Jester:

Organise the fundraiser. Inform the police of the situation, and ask if having a police presence at the fundraiser is possible. And ask if it would be appropriate to advertise the fundraiser with them. Off-duty police at the fundraiser can act as witnesses, even if the local laws prevent them from acting as bouncers.

Discuss with the police that you want to raise funds for a domestic-abuse shelter as well as for the ASPCA, but you're concerned about interference if you do: the police may well have ideas, or may be willing to have a visible police presence at the fundraiser to discourage trouble-makers.

wolfie
02-03-2008, 10:02 PM
Maybe we'll get lucky and BB will walk in front of a Greyhound bus.

That's something I wouldn't want to happen - there would likely be a large number of innocent passengers traumatized (or at least delayed) by the event, and (extrapolating from what I deal with on the job) Greyhounds are limited to 41,000 pounds (12,000 on the front axle, and 29,000 on the rear pair - one of them only has single tires). On the other hand, an 18 wheeler carries at most 2 people (for a team truck) and is allowed up to 80,000 pounds gross weight - and Texas bumpers are made of 3/16" thick steel plate.

This all happened in Key West? I believe Key West is in Florida, Florida has alligators, and alligators are carnivores. One line in "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia" (near the end of the song) seems appropriate.

Jester
02-04-2008, 01:50 PM
No gators in the Keys, though. They are up in the Everglades. Besides, since they are (I think) endangered, poisoning them with foul meat like BB would be illegal.

We DO, however, have plenty of sharks in these parts. :devil:

Geek King
02-04-2008, 07:52 PM
No gators in the Keys, though. They are up in the Everglades. Besides, since they are (I think) endangered, poisoning them with foul meat like BB would be illegal.

We DO, however, have plenty of sharks in these parts. :devil:

Use pigs. They can even eat a human femur, and there would be a certain poetry to it.

XCashier
02-04-2008, 07:56 PM
We DO, however, have plenty of sharks in these parts. :devil:
Yeah, but they might leave him alone out of professional courtesy. ;)

Jester
02-05-2008, 02:53 PM
Use pigs. They can even eat a human femur, and there would be a certain poetry to it.

And as with gators, no pigs in these parts. As said, plenty of sharks, though.

In other news....the memorial/celebration of her life is going to be on Monday, February 11th at a local outdoor bar. I need to make up the flyers, as I just got workable pictures of her yesterday. Once the flyers are done, we need to get some volunteers to go around to businesses with them, asking permission to put them up and then turning around and asking the same businesses if they'd like to donate products, services, or gift certificates to the cause. The ASPCA is on board, and has actually offered to have some of their volunteers help with the flyering, which is damn cool.

Sadly, it seems that BB may be attending, as there really is no way I can keep him away without making it a whole political thing, which is what I DON'T want to do. I have made it clear to A., though, that ANYONE causing trouble (including me) will be removed with prejudice. Hopefully that message will filter through to BB and his dipshit friends.

Okay, much work to do. Bleah.

Eireann
02-05-2008, 07:31 PM
What if you cold-shoulder BB and his friends? If the temperature in the room drops markedly when they enter, it may even penetrate their primeval little vestiges of brains that they are not welcome.

Just a suggestion.

monolayth
02-05-2008, 08:33 PM
What kind of idiot will go to a place he is quite obviously not wanted?

Rahmota
02-05-2008, 09:28 PM
Jester:though, that ANYONE causing trouble (including me) will be removed with prejudice. Hopefully that message will filter through to BB and his dipshit friends.
Well that might work. Hopefully they will decide to be better people but who knows.

monolayth:What kind of idiot will go to a place he is quite obviously not wanted?
One who thinks they can proove how good and how much better they are and that they cant be shoved around and forced to not go where they want to go.......blah blah blah. I mean I can undetstand if there was a moral elg to stand on doing that but this case not only is there no moral leg there isnt even a moral stump....

Jester
02-06-2008, 05:46 AM
What if you cold-shoulder BB and his friends? If the temperature in the room drops markedly when they enter, it may even penetrate their primeval little vestiges of brains that they are not welcome.

My cold-shouldering him would mean nothing, as our last conversation ended with me saying, as I recall, "I hope you rot in hell, you fucking piece of shit." Yeah, after that, cold-shouldering? Not making much of an impression. He knows what I think of him. I have never hidden that, nor attempted to.

What kind of idiot will go to a place he is quite obviously not wanted?

The kind that wants to maintain the illusion that he cared for the girl he either killed or drove to suicide. Of course, there is the possibility, which I don't discount, that he actually believes he did love her, in his own way.

Sorry for the negativity of this post.....working for several hours on the flyers for TD's memorial took more out of me than I would have thought. I am somewhat somber for a Jester........

Eireann
02-06-2008, 10:33 AM
I should have been more specific.

I didn't mean just you, Jester, I meant ALL of you. Every single person in the room. Ignore the fuckers. Pay ZERO attention to them. Walk away if they're approaching you. Do not answer if they talk to you. Whatever they do, ignore it, unless it's violent; then, call the police and let them handle it.

Remember, people like BB exist to be noticed. They couldn't care less HOW they are noticed. Negative attention, to them, is still attention. This guy stalked TD when she left him. He had to have her attention. Now he needs it from others. He'll play "poor me" to everyone he can, whenever he can, wherever he can, for as long as he can.

And, just as important, he sees himself as a good guy. Assholes don't go around saying, "God, I'm such a prick! What a loathsome waste of space I am!" They always always always attempt to justify their actions, whatever those actions may be. We all want to feel that we're good people, and BB and his ilk are no exception.

He wants to be treated as the grieving boyfriend. If he can't get that, he'll be glad to settle for "I hope you rot in hell, m*****f*****." Don't give it to him. Hard as hell though it is, don't respond to him unless he puts property or health in danger. Then, as I said before, hand it over to the police.

Seshat
02-06-2008, 04:56 PM
Eirann is right - well, IMO.

Also, have the bouncers (and any off-duty or on-duty police who attend) be aware of the policy. If BB or his cronies start to cause trouble, have them removed with as little attention given to them as possible. Treat them as mobile furniture while they're there, and when they're trouble, treat them as mobile trash that needs to be taken out.

If possible, have not one word spoken to them, and have noone so much as make eye contact with them.

Jester
02-11-2008, 05:38 PM
The Celebration of TD's life is today, from 5-7 pm ET.

I have been very busy organizing it and getting donations for it, so haven't really had much time to update on it.

Will try to do just that tonight, tomorrow, or the next day.

Okay, off and running....talk to y'all later.

MMATM
02-11-2008, 08:35 PM
Holy cow, that's only a half hour away!

Good luck Jester! Make it a helluva night!
:cheers:

aniwahya
02-11-2008, 11:16 PM
I am so sorry to hear about TD Jester. Gods that sounds so inadequate.


In reading this thread and hearing a lot of comments regarding personal safety and self defense I just wanted to recommend that EVERYONE get a copy of Hardcore Self Defense by C.R. Jahn.
I apologize if this seems I'm trying to move the thread away from TD, because that's not my intention at all. My only intent is to give people a fighting chance because what happened to TD shouldn't happen to anyone, but it does all to often.

myswtghst
02-11-2008, 11:42 PM
Looking forward to the update, to hear how it all went. My thoughts are with you. :)

Sir Spaniard the 12th
02-12-2008, 12:21 PM
I think I speak for everyone who has read this thread when I say: I hope it went smoothly, and BB and his friends, if any, didn't show up..

And if they did, they got <blankity blanky blank> and <blank-blank blank>.

Use your imagination.

Amethyst Hunter
02-14-2008, 04:46 AM
In reading this thread and hearing a lot of comments regarding personal safety and self defense I just wanted to recommend that EVERYONE get a copy of Hardcore Self Defense by C.R. Jahn.


In the same spirit I would also like to recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. EXCELLENT book for dealing with stalkers and other unwanted attention. In a nutshell, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They're giving you heebie-jeebie vibes for a reason.

Hope that the memorial-celebration for TD went well and that BB didn't spoil it with his rank presence!

CaroPhoenix
02-18-2008, 09:36 PM
Jester - Any updates on the celebration of TD's life? Just wondering!

Jester
02-19-2008, 08:23 AM
I admit, I have been lax in the report of the Celebration of TD's Life. My apologies. For a couple days afterwards, I was just so drained, physically and emotionally, trying to write was like trying to paint with a dry brush. I just couldn't do it. After that, I was just busy with work, and frankly, was semi-consciously avoiding doing this. I'm not even sure why I was avoiding it, but I was.

In any case, the very short story is that many of her friends gathered, remembered TD, we raised money (over $2,000) for the FKSPCA in her name, something she would have been very happy about, and a lot of people got to go home with good memories and some cool stuff. And yes, BB was there, and no, there was no trouble.

That's the short story for the Attention Impaired.

The longer story:

I spent a good week or more, during my non-work hours, putting up flyers in bars that would let me (most did), talking to bars and other businesses about donating stuff (products, services, gift certificates) to the cause (most did), and fielding calls from TD's friends, many of whom had just found out about the whole thing. (My number was on the bottom of the flyer, which is why these people were calling me.)

I approached the flyer/donation side of things with a very simple idea: every time I went into a new place and gave them my little spiel, I expected them to flat out say no. I was not pleasantly surprised by their response. I was downright flat out stunned by the amazingly positive response and willingness to help, often by businesses, managers, and owners who never even KNEW TD. (Though many people DID recognize her from the pictures on the flyer....she was a Key Wester for ten years, after all, and like me was known about town.) I received everything from $10 gift cards to valuable collector coins, a book signed by a fairly known author, and a piece of art signed by the artist....an internationally known artist, I might add. I was stunned by how willing these people were to just GIVE me this stuff, not knowing me, often not even knowing TD. People were just willing to help, and I guess I came across as sincere and honest and trusting.

And I kept plugging and plugging and plugging and at every step I thought I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't getting to enough places or talking to enough people or putting up enough flyers or getting out enough of the word--my biggest fear would be that we threw a memorial for a friend, only a few people would show up, and we would raise about $20 for the charity in her name. And when I started getting stressed out and a little nuts....I would stop and have a beer. Professional? No. But then, I am not a professional in fundraising/memorial organizing, and every time I thought about having a beer break, and started feeling guilty, I could see TD laughing at me and saying, "Jester, shut the fuck up and have a beer. Hell, I'll buy." I actually talked to many bar managers with a beer in my hand. It's Key West, and if they thought it was inappropriate, my philosophy was: "Screw 'em. If they think this is inappropriate for this event, they didn't know TD worth a fuck."

And Monday the 11th came along, and TD's sister and her husband came to town from Tampa and I, of course, was frantic, trying to get everything together, worrying about potential trouble from BB and his friends. And my friend Zim and I got down to the Pool Bar where the Celebration was going to be held about two hours before the scheduled start time, but about an hour after I wanted to be there. And bless Zim, he helped me organize all the donations, figure out what was going to be for the silent auction, what was going to be raffled off, helped me put out the silent auction stuff with the appropriate signup sheets, etc., etc., etc., and etc. And despite my worst fears, we were done setting up just about on time, with some definite help from the Pool Bar's GM and TD's Sister.

And the Celebration went well, and there were some friends of TD's that I knew, and some that I didn't, and overall it went well. We had a photo board of TD that some people signed. We had people volunteer to help us with this, that, or the other. Everyone talked to TD's Sister--I was more busy trying to a. keep the whole thing going smoothly and b. keep myself together. Neither was easy. But through much laughter and tears, it was cool, my friends Frank and Zim were invaluable, and between the silent auctions, 50/50 raffle, dinner raffle (the buffet was donated by the Pool Bar, and for a small donation, people got to eat it and got a raffle ticket, by which tickets we raffled off the smaller stuff), and straight donations, we raised a total of $2,102 for the FKSPCA in TD's name. And in addition to my organizational and financial contribution, I had my own personal tribute to TD by drinking only Coors Light all night long. While I think the stuff tastes like water personally, that was TD's beer of choice.

And of course BB was there. He wasn't being an asshole per se, as in not what we expected, but to another ex-boyfriend of TD, to TD's Sister, and to myself, he cried on cue, not for TD, but for himself and how we all hated him and how he never hurt TD, blah blah blah. Never once said anything about her other than crying about how he never did what we said he did, even though we repeatedly (individually) told him that this night was not about him or us, but about TD. He didn't get the message. He also did not lift a finger to help, offer to help, offer or ask to say anything about TD, bid on one thing in the silent auction, buy a dinner ticket, or donate one red cent to a cause he had to know was near and dear to TD's heart. And I can understand how some people can't afford to do stuff monetarily....but again, he didn't make one effort to help or say anything about TD, the girlfriend he was allegedly mourning. All in all, most of us agreed that his behavior was truly and disgustingly pathetic.

After the official Celebration wound down, a few of us (not BB) went over to the Waterfront Bar and continued our own private celebration, including having TD's Sister read aloud on stage a poem/story about TD that a friend of hers had written. Said friend had asked that it be read on stage at the Waterfront Bar, but she herself could not bring herself to read it. As it was, most of us on stage (with one of TD's favorite bands) got rather emotional, myself included. I think I said a few words, but I couldn't tell you what they were.

The whole thing had problems, and didn't go perfectly, and had flaws, and could have been better. But then, that could be said about anything and anyone, and frankly, if it HAD gone perfectly, it probably would not have been appropriate for TD. The gods know she liked chaos!

If this whole narrative seems a bit chaotic, or if the events seem to have been a bit off, understand that even now, a week later, I am having trouble telling them, and am tearing up slightly typing this. And laughing too. And I guess that's appropriate too. After all, in the immortal words from the song by Christopher Cross, "When you think of Lora, laugh, don't cry....I know she'd want it that way.

Binky
02-19-2008, 08:47 AM
Jester, you are an inspiration. You've been a real trooper through all of this. :)

I think everyone would agree with me.

It's so so sad what happened to TD, but one would hope that her story will be heard an others that are still in the situation she was in will find the courage to get out.

Thank you

Jester
02-19-2008, 01:46 PM
I was thinking that I wasn't that inspirational, to be honest, that I had merely done what needed to be done, even if no one else had done it.

And then I went into my email and read this:

"Jester,

I hope you have recuperated some of your energy after the amazing display of generosity, organization, and determination you showed last week. I want you to know in no uncertain terms how much I personally appreciate all of your hard work and how you showed me the other side, the much better side, of Key West and its people. I am actually looking forward to visiting again in the not too distant future. You are my hero.

There is no way I will remember the names of all of your friends and neighbors who helped with the memorial celebration, so will you please pass on my most sincere thanks to all of them?

With much gratitude,

TD's Sister"


I am uncharacteristically speechless.



Now I really feel I need to get off my butt and write the thank you letters to the businesses that donated, not to mention an overall thank you letter to the community via the local newspaper.

CaroPhoenix
02-19-2008, 02:07 PM
Ah Jester. You are definitely an inspiration to those of us out here in the real world, grappling with issues similar to what you went through before and after TD's death.

That you touched TD's sister, is also a testament to your awesomeness.

I, at least, am happy to know you (if only thought a message board and only through your postings here).

morgana
02-19-2008, 05:56 PM
Ah Jester. You are definitely an inspiration to those of us out here in the real world, grappling with issues similar to what you went through before and after TD's death.

That you touched TD's sister, is also a testament to your awesomeness.

I, at least, am happy to know you (if only thought a message board and only through your postings here).

I can only second this. An inspiration indeed.

crazylegs
02-19-2008, 06:28 PM
Jester,

You are a true friend, loyal, honest and there for others, even though it is by the most tenuous link to know someone I am incredibly proud to know you, your behaviour throughout this has been impeccable, Sir I salute you.

PS If I'm ever in Florida again I'll pay a visit with the sole intention of buying you sufficient quantities of alcohol to get you drunk for a week!

XCashier
02-19-2008, 07:27 PM
Ah Jester. You are definitely an inspiration to those of us out here in the real world, grappling with issues similar to what you went through before and after TD's death.

That you touched TD's sister, is also a testament to your awesomeness.

I, at least, am happy to know you (if only thought a message board and only through your postings here).
Hear, hear! :cheers: You did very well, and we're all very proud of you. People like you make the world a better place. :)

Binky
02-19-2008, 10:09 PM
your too modest Jester really you are.

tropicsgoddess
02-19-2008, 11:52 PM
Jester, you are the definition of a true friend for all the things you've done for TD. People like you really make the world better. :)

Jester
02-20-2008, 12:26 PM
Thanks for all the kind words, folks. I swear, you are going to make me do something I almost never do: blush.

So stop it, damnit! :lol:

your too modest Jester really you are.

Why yes. Yes I am. :D

PS If I'm ever in Florida again I'll pay a visit with the sole intention of buying you sufficient quantities of alcohol to get you drunk for a week!

Now THAT is an absolutely brilliant idea! :cheers:

Eireann
02-20-2008, 04:41 PM
I think the whole thing is a marvelous tribute to TD, her memory, and what she meant to all of you. You didn't try to turn her into a saint, knowing full well that she wasn't; you collected money for important causes; you didn't even start anything with BB (who showed just how clueless he really is by trying to cry on YOUR shoulder, Jester).

If something were to happen to me, I only hope that my friends would have an event like that in my memory. You're all to be commended for your caring, your devotion, and your determination.

Jester
03-04-2008, 02:35 PM
I found out some stuff today. Some very interesting stuff.

To wit, Big Boy was set to be arraigned in the original battery case on January 30th. He filed an affidavit of indigence (meaning he can't afford an attorney and thus needed a public defender) on January 25th. The case against him was dropped, however, as Tiny Dancer was not able to testify. She was unable to testify, of course, because she had died. On January 24th.

Anyone else think the coincidence of the dates seems a little TOO convenient? Yeah, that is what I and her stepdad think also.

In other news, BB sent TD's family a letter, weeping and moaning about how he loved TD, he adored her, he would never harm her, and he was just trying to protect her from all the lecherous drunks who were trying to take advantage of her. In other words, the people at The Bar who circled the wagons and tried to help her out of the situation she was in before she ended up dead. Which, as it turns out, she did.

The letter in itself isn't so much news, as BB has been spinning this same story from the beginning. What IS interesting is what he included with the letter: TD's delinquent bills, including one of her doctor's bills from when he beat the stuffing out of her in December.

I truly thought there was nothing left that this stain could do that would surprise me.

I was horribly mistaken.

I mean, I get the notion of him not wanting to pay her bills. I get it. But anyone else would have just pitched them in the trash. Why are you sending them to her family? Even if legally they are obligated to pay them as next of kin (and I don't think they are), why would you do that as the loving person you are claiming to be?

The answer is pretty blatantly obvious.

He isn't the loving person he is claiming to be. Sending her parents her bills? Just beyond the pale.

So far as I know, though, the investigation into her death is NOT yet closed. I'll keep y'all posted.

tropicsgoddess
03-04-2008, 03:41 PM
He isn't the loving person he is claiming to be. Sending her parents her bills? Just beyond the pale.


I don't think BB is fooling anybody with that act of his at all. How can he say he loved her when he did beat the crap out of her and won't at least help out with some the delinquent bills TD had prior to her death?!! Jester, you're not the only one here that sees a HUGE coincidence in the dates BB filed affidavit of indigence and TD's death. I do hope that BB will get what's coming to him, pricks like him make my blood boil! :pissed:

Saydrah
03-04-2008, 10:49 PM
:eek:

Excuse me, I'll have this jaw off your floor in just a minute, sir, it's proving a bit hard to pick up.

Becks
03-04-2008, 10:57 PM
And today's :wtf:-a-thonŠ winner is...

Amethyst Hunter
03-05-2008, 01:41 AM
It's times like these that I find myself AWFULLY tempted to start practicing witchcraft... :wtf: Methinks BB could use a nice little hexing at the very least.

Trying (and failing) to paint oneself as the victim and then sending the grieving family insult to injury...that takes fucking balls, man. (And not the good kind either) :pissed:

karath
03-06-2008, 08:50 AM
my God...

I cannot remember crying since I was a kid. When I read that TD had died I burst into tears. I read through all 31 pages of the thread, on a little roller coaster with the mood of the posts...and my God, there's really nothing I can say to this.

My previous jokes about the death of my faith in humanity seem pretty shallow now. And it's obvious from other posts here that BB and TD were far from alone in all this.

Jester and Reformedwaitress, you and all your coworkers and friends (and TD's family) are in my prayers, along with everyone who has or is going through this situation.

zzapp the witch
04-04-2008, 10:04 AM
I just found this thread (don't venture here often enough) and I may owe you an apology, because I've already hexed the fucker. (With proper qualifications to keep anything coming back on me). :devil: The more attention he seeks, the less he will recieve. The more he makes things about him, the less he will matter to others.....etc.

Jester
04-04-2008, 12:08 PM
And just what about that makes you think you owe anyone an apology? :confused:

Other than that your hex against the fucker wasn't far more severe, that is....

Dilorenzo
04-04-2008, 05:42 PM
Well, I've just read most of this - mostly your replies, Jester - and have to say, you're the goddamn man. You did what you could to help, and when help wasn't needed anymore, you did what you could to make sure she was remembered. And through all of this, you keep saying that folks need to learn from this - a lesser man would have broken down and given up.

So, hey, kudos. Really don't know how to say it any better than that.

Jester
04-04-2008, 05:49 PM
Thanks. I really do believe in the saying, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger." I have been through worse that affected me more directly, and have only become a better person for it. The only thing that came close to really destroying me was five years ago, when my fiance decided to become my ex-fiance. I survived that, and everything else that Life has thrown at me since. That, and I am too damn stubborn and evil to let bad people like BB ruin MY life.

Cyphr
04-04-2008, 06:12 PM
That, and I am too damn stubborn and evil to let bad people like BB ruin MY life.

Jester you rock. I spent the last two days reading all 31 pages nearly continuously. MY condolences for TD. Watching this chain of events is like watching propane train wreck on double tracks - it looks like things might be okay but it turns out much worse than you could ever imagine. I've been planning to come down to The Rock (awesome name btw) for sometime now and if the plans happen I'll personally buy you two your drink of choice.

Lachrymose
04-04-2008, 09:10 PM
I followed this thread from the beginning. I gasped in horror as I read the twisted turn of events regarding TD's death.

I just want to say what everyone else has said. Jester, you are a great, kind person who I'm sure anyone would value as a trustworthy, loyal friend. Who could have thought that such a tragedy would have allowed such a positive outcome on your part?

Also, I work for a collection agency (as a programmer, not a collector) and want to make clear that the only way any family members will be responsible for any bills is if their names are on them as well.

This may not stop the businesses or agencies from calling and (unfortunately) using guilt to get them to pay: "Mr. D, you know that paying this bill is the right thing to do.", etc. But they are not legally responsible for any bills.

Jester
04-04-2008, 09:44 PM
Thank you, Cyphr, that is very kind of you.

Jester, you are a great, kind person who I'm sure anyone would value as a trustworthy, loyal friend.

Thank you as well. Though I have to be honest...there are quite a few people who don't have quite the same view of me as y'all do. So to say "anyone" might be stretching it a bit. I can be rather.....unpleasant, if I set my mind to it. Also, some people find me to be rather obnoxious in general. Not to mention arrogant, rude, sarcastic, and unfunny. And those are my good days! :lol:


Who could have thought that such a tragedy would have allowed such a positive outcome on your part?

Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I don't see it as at all positive. A good, longtime friend is dead, and the man who is, one way or another, responsible for her death, and who without question treated her horribly in life, is still walking around free, breathing air and living his life. TD deserved better. This is not a positive. Sorry, but no.

the only way any family members will be responsible for any bills is if their names are on them as well.

This may not stop the businesses or agencies from calling and (unfortunately) using guilt to get them to pay: "Mr. D, you know that paying this bill is the right thing to do.", etc.

TD's parents have no plans of paying those bills, and as far as they are concerned, the collection agencies/creditors can go get bent. And her stepfather has no problem saying it in far less eloquent ways.

RayvenQ
04-04-2008, 09:48 PM
Jester, I have to commend you for your self restraint, If I were in your situation, I'd be out for blood, literally.

Jester
04-04-2008, 09:51 PM
Rayven, if I thought I could get away with it without ending up in jail, trust me, BB would already be getting picked up by the cops in multiple body bags.

Lachrymose
04-04-2008, 09:55 PM
Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I don't see it as at all positive. A good, longtime friend is dead, and the man who is, one way or another, responsible for her death, and who without question treated her horribly in life, is still walking around free, breathing air and living his life. TD deserved better. This is not a positive. Sorry, but no.






Sorry, I didn't exactly mean positive like that. I meant you were able to pull off a great benefit in her honor.

I know that's no consolation for her death. I apologize for it coming across that way.

I can't even begin to know what it feels like to lose someone close to you to death. I'm 30 years old and have never had to go through it. I've been through a divorce, but that's kind of different.

So, I commend you for keeping your head together enough to go through with something like you did. I don't think I could have done it.

RayvenQ
04-04-2008, 09:58 PM
Rayven, if I thought I could get away with it without ending up in jail, trust me, BB would already be getting picked up by the cops in multiple body bags.

Well, you still have commendable restraint as I in your same position would reduce him to offal regardless of the consequences.

I hope he gets served justice, either lawful or cosmic/karma.

Jester
04-04-2008, 10:11 PM
Rayven, it's easy to say that, it really is. Even easy to think that. But would you REALLY risk going to jail for the rest of your life or (in Florida, anyway) even the death penalty? Think about it before you answer.

Now think about this: if you had a friend like TD, do you think they would WANT you to throw away your life on a scumsucker like BB? I know TD would smack me upside the head for it, and then give me a lecture. Stubborn wench. What would your friends do to you for it?

The consequences would be far greater than the small reward I would get, and if you think about it, I think you'll agree.

And forget personal conveniences....think about other people. How many good things could you do for other people if you were in prison? Right....far less than if you weren't. The idea is to make things better, not worse. People like us who care what happens to people like BB need to rise above our more base emotions and do things to improve the community, so people like BB have less options. Going to prison would accomplish very little.

Andara Bledin
04-05-2008, 03:53 AM
Jester, I read through this the other night (after you linked it in the other thread) and even though I knew where it was headed, it felt so sickening when I got to that one update. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like to live through.

This is one type of situation where I have found that being deeply and unshakably religious is actually quite comforting. Because I know, deep down, that no matter what he might get away with on Earth, there is no way BB will have anything pleasant to look forward to after.

^-.-^

Pagan
04-06-2008, 12:40 AM
Like Andara, I just found this thread off a link from the other thread.

Jester, I know it's cold comfort, but just remember that Karma, being the bitch that she is, will eventually get that fuckwit....and in a spectacular way.

I just found this thread (don't venture here often enough) and I may owe you an apology, because I've already hexed the fucker. (With proper qualifications to keep anything coming back on me). :devil: The more attention he seeks, the less he will recieve. The more he makes things about him, the less he will matter to others.....etc.

Acutally, binding someone (especially to the Tree of Life with dragons to hold them, which I have done on a couple of occasions) works much better. :devil:

Jester
04-06-2008, 08:19 PM
Zap, Pagan, I appreciate the thoughts, really I do. But as much as I approve of hexes and bindings and spells, I would be far happier if someone would just take a fucking baseball bat to his melon.

I know, I know, CS.com does not condone violence. I get it. I am not saying *I* am going to take batting practice on him. But that doesn't mean I can't wish that someone ELSE would.

Nothing in the rules here say we can't WISH for violence to happen to fuckwits and sphincter suckers.

Pagan
04-07-2008, 12:11 AM
Oh, no, I'm wishing that, too. That's basically what we're doing....wishing. Putting it out to the universe in the hopes that someone or something will take out the....well, can't call him "man", because he's not one. Can't even call him a cockroach, that would be insulting to cockroaches. How's this - useless waste of flesh. Yeah, that sounds good.

Lyger
04-07-2008, 07:56 PM
I read this story last night, front ot back, even risking missing work for it. I was so angry with BB, and felt so bad for TD that I was shaking. What I'm thinking about has been said many times within this thread already, but I hope you don't mind if I say it anyway.

It seems so completely unfair for a guy like BB to be able to have done this to TD, regardless of the very bad decision she made to go back to him, and end up practically escaping unscathed for it. Perhaps I'm a little naive about justice (seeing as how I haven't been exposed to this stuff as much as others have), but forgive me for waiting on the hammer, baseball bat or other blunt object that's going to fall out of the sky and bed itself into BB's head until he is no more. Because he deserves nothing less, that's for certain.

Jester
04-08-2008, 02:27 AM
It seems so completely unfair for a guy like BB to be able to have done this to TD, regardless of the very bad decision she made to go back to him...

I DO hope that everyone who has read this thread or will read this thread realizes that this is not, in any way, an isolated incident. Shit like this happens all the time, in every place. While TD was my friend, and I understand the anger (trust me, I understand the anger!), I don't want anyone thinking that this is rare, uncommon, or even all that unusual. It happens here, it happens there, and it is happening, right now, where you live. Yes, even where YOU live.

Please, open your eyes and ears to this stuff, lend a hand when possible, and by all means, feel free to volunteer your time, money, services, or whatever to your local domestic abuse charity. Because if you are angry about TD and BB, you should be a thousand times angrier than that when you realize how prevalent this sort of thing really is.

Don't read this, get angry, and then forget about it. Remember it. Hold on to the anger. And use it in a positive way to fight this everywhere, every time. We may not be able to stop this sort of thing, but we can certainly do what we can to prevent a good portion of it. We CAN make a difference.

Andara Bledin
04-08-2008, 02:43 AM
It happens everywhere, and has been for a very long time.

My mother and aunt used to collect donations (they'd get stuff from co-workers and family that wasn't being used any more) and take them to the local abused women and children's center.

It's bad enough when it's a grown woman that made some sort of choice, but there were always an awful lot of kids there, too.

^-.-^

Jester
04-08-2008, 03:59 AM
It's bad enough when it's a grown woman that made some sort of choice, but there were always an awful lot of kids there, too.

Domestic abuse is not limited to men against women, as should be evident by recent posts in this forum, as well as what we all see every day with children who are obviously and oftentimes not so obviously abused.

And it is a cycle. That is why TD went back. And why other woman go back. And why victimes of abuse seek out abusers in the first place (though of course they don't realize they are seeking them out), or why abusers become abusers in the first place: they are repeating behavior they learned. The abused go on to grow up to be abused again, or to be abusers. It's a vicious cycle, and it takes a lot to break it.

Sometimes I wonder if it IS possible to break it. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever BE possible.

At those times, I weep for humanity.

Tireana Dorcha
04-08-2008, 01:20 PM
Like a few others I found this thread through the link on another page. Though I'm late, I offer my condulences to you and TD's family.

And I want to bring emphasis to your words. This happens EVERYWHERE. People on this thread have mentioned how they or loved ones were in abusive relationships. My fiance's sister was in one (though we didn't know about it until well after she'd dumped the jerk) and it changed the lives of many people that were close to her.

I really hope that this thread at the very least makes people more aware, and hopefully that it will help save a life.