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Tanasi
04-16-2008, 09:38 PM
Dear Middle Daughter,
I think you're making a mistake by "lending" your "fiance" money for his tuition from the money set aside for your tuition. Didn't his previous fiance also pay his tuition right before they broke up? I will not nor will your mother co-sign a student loan for him, if his parents won't co-sign maybe that should tell you something.
I'm trying real hard to keep my mouth shut about this boy but the more I get to know him the less I care for him. I don't think just because he's in law school makes him all that smart, and if I hear him call me an ignorant redneck hillbilly again because I disagree with him I will take him apart.
I don't ask much of you except that you be respectful to your grandparents, your mother, your siblings and me. I know I can be a little selfish at times but I have reasons for that selfishness, so the next time I catch lover-boy in just his boxers and you in just a t-shirt in my house and my recliner, I will bust your butt!! I know you're almost 21 but I won't and don't condone that behaviour from anyone. BTW whatever possessed you to think I wouldn't say something? I don't believe for a second that nothing happened or was going to happen. You were nearly naked and I saw where his hands were as I entered the room. You're hurriedly making yourself and the boy unwelcome. BTW this is my home and your mother's home, you choose to move out and that doesn't give you leave to come and go as you please. Until our death you have no finacial stake in this house nor this farm it is ours and ours alone. BTW I don't make threats and you know that, I mean what I say, notice I'm not laughing.

Your angry Dad,


Dear Neighbor with the Chow dog,
I have repeatidly asked you to keep your dog out of my pasture and away from my cattle and mules. I don't care that your dog is trying to "play" with them, they're cows and not really that smart. They just see an aggressive dog that is harrassing them. Having said that if I can catch the dog I will hold it for animal control, if I can't I will shoot it. I can't afford anymore calfs without switches on their tails. Your dog is causing damage to my cattle and you've been warned several times and there is a leash law that even applies to snakes.

PO'ed Neighbor,


Dear Tennet in Apt 82,
I took a chance on you and against my better judgement leased you apartment 82. You leased one apartment and with that comes one parking space and that space has your apartment number on it (co-incidense??) The lease plainly states that numbered spaces are for the tennet of the designated apartment either you, your boy-friend, or one of your guests can part in that space and that space only. All others must part in the marked visitors spaces or risk having their car towed at their expense. All the close-by visitors spaces are full? Well that's not my problem there's more spaces around the club-house at the bottom of the hill. Don't want to park there it's too far to walk? One more complaint from another tennent that you, your boyfriend, or your guests are parking in their spaces will result in your eviction.
Also the rent is due on the 5th no exceptions. On the sixth there is a $10 late fee and everyday afterwords an additional $10 is assessed, and if you havn't paid by the 15th consider yourself evicted and you have one week to move. No my wife or anyone in my employee make an exception for you, only I or my Mom can make that exception and Mom says she didn't.
Also #2 state law says you can't store or use a grill on a walkway or balcony of an apartment building. I didn't make the law nor do I agree with it but we both must obey it because the fire marshall will fine us if we don't.

Angry Landlord,


Dear Tennet in Apartment 82 Neandertal boyfriend,
One more threat real or not toward any other tennet, maintenance personel, or myself will result in your explusion and banning from the property. I don't care if your girl friend lives there and you think you have a right to visit. I manage the property and I decide who is allowed. Should I ban you and you return you will go to jail for trespassing and I will make it a point to be at your court date.

your girl friend's angry landlord,

Becks
04-17-2008, 12:32 AM
Dear headache,

Please go away. Please? :lip quiver:

Why do you always come to me when I spend time outside in the fresh air? It's annoying. It makes me want to stay holed up in the house. Blah.

Becks

blas
04-17-2008, 12:49 AM
Dear weather:

Why must I work 3rd shift? Now the sun is shining so bright during the day and it's so warm and nice.....yet I must sleep........and it's only going to get nicer and warmer.....arg.

Blas


Dear Creepy:

I do not want to go out with you. I'm thanking the powers that be that the bigwigs ordered the new machines to be placed right by the windows so now you can't watch me walking down the hallway and stare sadly at me. I have a boyfriend, I told you about another girl who has a crush on you, you don't think she's good enough......sorry buddy, Deal or No Deal. You chose No Deal. Stop staring at me.....and if you EVER hunt me down in the hallway again, I swear I'll tell security and get you in lots of trouble.

Blas

Slytovhand
04-17-2008, 02:03 AM
Dear Blas,

Good to see you back :wave:

Slyt

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-17-2008, 02:05 AM
Dear plants:

Please stop masturbating your pollen all over the place. My sinuses feel like Niagara Falls.

Sneezingly yours,
Irv

JessEm
04-17-2008, 03:20 AM
Dear B,

Miss you. Like all hell. :cry: I can't believe I haven't seen you in 4 months. *lip wibble*

Your absent BFF,
JessEm.


Dear Kusanagi,

Wear those cat ears again and you soon won't be. :devil:

JessEm.

draftermatt
04-17-2008, 11:34 AM
Dear plants:
Please stop masturbating

Dear Irv,

When I read this the first time I was wondering how your pants were masturbating.

MystyGlyttyr
04-17-2008, 01:19 PM
Dear Kusanagi,

Dude, you're gonna get mugged, dude.

Mysty

the_std
04-17-2008, 06:03 PM
Dear Kusanagi,

Some of the girls on this board are starting to scare me. Please stop being hot, or we'll soon have to create a new sub-board. Instead of Fratching, we'll have the OMG ULTIMATE KUSANAGI FAN SIIIIITE KAWAII YAY! board.

Yikes,
Me

Shangri-laschild
04-17-2008, 06:28 PM
Dear Fortune Cookies

You keep telling me I'm a gentleman of outstanding wisdom. I'm not sure how to take that really....

Perplexed but amused (and still very female),
Me


Dear computer,

Stop beeping. Really. If you think I won't actually throw you. We were having such a good quiet morning without any of your shit. I've been walking over to silence you all day. Oh yeah and that resuming beeping right when I've sat down? It's going to cause you problems in the end. Just you wait.

Love,
The person who's waiting to throw you at the computer guy

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-17-2008, 07:06 PM
Dear American Idol:

Why do I even care? Why do I continue to watch or even desire for certain people to be kicked off, and hope for certain ones to stay?

WHY do I care?

Blas

Dear Blas:

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Seacrest, out!

CaroPhoenix
04-17-2008, 07:55 PM
Dear IPF,

You made me almost spew hot coffee out of my nose with your borg reference to American Idol.

My poor nose does not thank you,
IDaR
-----------------------------------
Kusanagi,

I have not seen any pictures of you. :cry: Please do not leave me out of the loop. May I have a picture to drool ov ... I mean gaze upon raptur ... Ahem ... May I just see what you look like, please? :D

Soon to be another fan of Kus' looks,
IDaR
------------------------------------------
Dear the_std,

You might have an idea for a new website. Remember: If you build it, they will come.

Encouragingly,
IDaR

Saydrah
04-17-2008, 10:24 PM
Dear Mama Bird and Babies,

There are THREE MATURE TREES in my yard. Why are you inside my stove fan?

-Talk is Cheep

the_std
04-18-2008, 02:30 AM
Dear Class That I Just Taught,

WHY WON'T YOU LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE?!!! :cry:

Sad,
Me

CaroPhoenix
04-18-2008, 02:33 AM
Dear the_std,

Even though I am not in your class, I will offer you my like (as for love, I don't know you that well).

Like,
IDaR

Evil Queen
04-18-2008, 02:45 AM
[COLOR="Purple"]
Kusanagi,

I have not seen any pictures of you. :cry: Please do not leave me out of the loop. May I have a picture to drool ov ... I mean gaze upon raptur ... Ahem ... May I just see what you look like, please? :D

Soon to be another fan of Kus' looks,
IDaR
Dear IDaR,

Please allow me to oblige and clicky the linky in my signature.

Loving,
EQ

the_std
04-18-2008, 02:48 AM
Dear IDaR,

... :love:

Thank you.

Feeling Much Better Now,
Me

monolayth
04-18-2008, 02:49 AM
Dear classmates,
If you have such a problem with him, WHY are you being buddy buddy with him?

confused,
monolayth

RetailWorkhorse
04-18-2008, 03:24 AM
Dear Sinuses,

....unCLOG yourself! *Shakes and smacks dramatically*

-Yours ever so.....uhm....sufferingly,
Me

Dear Manager-dude,

I don't GIVE A SHIT that you think motorcycles are deathtraps. I want one because of the GAS prices. You are "lucky" enough to actually live in the damned towne you work in. I, however, do not and must therefore drive over 30 miles just to get to work.

Oh, and by the by, just because I have more books then GOD that doesn't make me weird.

Your Underling who's about to shove one of his books (in a baggie) up your ass for safe-keeping,
Me

Dear Co-Worker N,

Your a Rich brat. Don't talk to me about Germany and stop trying to get information from me. I'm of LEGAL AGE and YOU are JAILBAIT.

Also: I'm not a girl.

-Me

Dear Ears,

Please stop clicking every time I swallow. I know it's hard to function when I'm suffering from allergies but it's just something that you have to deal with until the pollen count goes back down. Please know that I love you.

With love (and I promise to stop listening to Pink Floyd at a million decibels),
-Me

CaroPhoenix
04-18-2008, 04:14 AM
Dear EQ,

Thank you so much for the linky in your signature! I am a much happier Rum now that I have seen Kus in his cosplay glory.

Eternally grateful,
IDaR

--------------------------------------

Dear the_std,

You are very much welcome. I always like to make new friends. :D

Friendly,
IDaR

---------------------------------------

Dear Kus,

May I say that I have added myself to your harem of female admirers from this site.

If you're ever in the Maryland, DC, Northern Virginia area, please let me know, and I'll invite you over for ... coffee. ;)

A fan,
IDaR

Evil Queen
04-18-2008, 04:51 AM
Dear IDaR,

I have first nibble on Kus. But I promise there won't be any sloppy seconds.

I'll share this toy...
-EQ

CaroPhoenix
04-18-2008, 12:37 PM
Dear Evil Queen,

Thank you for assuring me that I will not get any sloppy seconds. ;)

As for all of us females lusting after Kus, does he know the plans we have for him, or are we keeping those a surprise?

Wonderingly,
IDaR

crazylegs
04-18-2008, 02:32 PM
Dear H

You must be a really big man to have to run over an unarmed, 35y/o 5'3 woman because you did something wrong. Be VERY glad you were caught after such a short chase as I'm sure noone would have shed a tear if you'd wrapped your car around a propane tank in the middle of nowhere.

Yours angrily

Crazylegs

CaroPhoenix
04-18-2008, 05:02 PM
Dear crazylegs,

I would like to know more about the situation and the 35 y/o woman. Is she alright?

Concerningly (OoO! I think I made up a new word!)
IDaR

Evil Queen
04-18-2008, 06:40 PM
Dear Evil Queen,

Thank you for assuring me that I will not get any sloppy seconds. ;)

As for all of us females lusting after Kus, does he know the plans we have for him, or are we keeping those a surprise?

Wonderingly,
IDaR
Dear IDaR,

Either our adorable Kus already knows and he's really good at hiding it.... or it'll be a loverly surprise on his part. :devil: Either way, I'm hoping he plays along.

Truly a joy,
-EQ

crazylegs
04-18-2008, 08:10 PM
Dear IDaR,

I can tell you this, she is ok (no thanks to him) as she had the sense of mind to cling onto the car for 200 yards, else she would have gone under. He is currently on remand for attempt murder. Other than that, we'll have to wait for the trial.

Crazylegs

iradney
04-18-2008, 08:19 PM
Dear Kus

Don't be scared. It's nice to have admirers no?

Totally not gonna hurt you in any way
rads


Dear body

Why, oh WHY have you chosen NOW to get sick? I'm definitely getting something, I'm far away from home and I Have work to do. You suck. Pull your socks up, arm your defences and get with the fighting. And also, what's with the whole no appetite for 2 days? I'm never hungry anymore, but I HAVE to eat lest I pass out during training. I think collapsing in front of my class would not be a good idea. Eating when not hungry sucks. Sort it out.

Getting sick
rads

CaroPhoenix
04-18-2008, 08:36 PM
Dear Kyra (my girlie kittie),

Why did you make me up-end my couch? It looks like someone has come in and ransacked my house. :cry: And I'm totally not going to enjoy putting the couch back to rights. I might have to wait until hubs gets home for that.

Sighing,
IDaR

-------------------------------------------

Dear Darwin (my boy cat),

I hope you're better at being placed in your carrier than your "sister".

You might not like the vet as we're going to be discussing diets for you.

Love,
IDaR

Kusanagi
04-18-2008, 09:25 PM
Dear driver's side rear tire -

Thank you for completely having your tread blow off at 55 on the freeway last night, scaring the shit out of me, and taking out a piece of my rear bumper cover. I didn't need that year of my life anyway.

Dear Life:

IS THAT ALL YOU GOT, BITCH!?

crazylegs
04-18-2008, 09:26 PM
Dear Kus

Please be aware you are shortly to receive numerous offers of relaxation from your adoring female fans.

(glad your ok though)

Yours (not jealous at all :p)

Crazylegs

Dear All CS.com Members

Please check your tires for bulges, tears and worn patchs (however sometimes shit happens)

Yours carefully

Crazylegs

Kusanagi
04-18-2008, 09:49 PM
Dear Me:

I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away...

Dear fearmongers:

I cannot prove it, but I know you were behind what happened to my friend last week. I know either you or someone associated with you were responsible for loosening the lugnuts on his tire, and thankfully he was not injured when it went flying off on the freeway. Three ASE certified mechanics concured the nuts were loosened, and anyone with half a brain knows who was behind it.

I am well aware that if you could get away with it, both of us and many others would be dead. If you think this is going to stop what we are doing, and what we are fighting for, you're sorely, sorely mistaken.

MystyGlyttyr
04-18-2008, 09:58 PM
Dear Kus,

Hang tough, man. It's gonna work out and it's gonna be okay. *hugs*

Mysty

ArenaBoy
04-19-2008, 04:48 AM
Dear me:

What happened to you? You used to be dedicated to a fault. So dedicated that at one point it gave you a knee injury in track and cross-country because of it and you were only 15 to boot. This also carried into school as well. Now, you just coast through things not caring in the slightest bit. It's 12:40 AM and you have yet to start your final journalism project and right now you're on here typing this bitching and moaning. You've became pathetic over the last year and a half anyway. You're not in your teens anymore so just realize that you will have to put in a little more effort anyway, you seem to have forgotten how to be competitive you used to be and how you wouldn't let anything in your way. Run some races, that might restore your desire and hunger.

So me, please do yourself a favor. When you get up have some breakfast, read the BBC and Sky for news, then go on a very long and I mean very long run. Go 10 or 15. It will kick you into gear, and treat it like the old days. You and I (I being the one typing this :p) both know that you can take a lot of punishment and still feel brand new. The old you would be wondering what the hell happened, and while there are parts of the old you that people didn't like, the competitive and dedication aspects do not need to go.

You're also in a rut. Find a job and get out of the house more. You've been sitting here watching Match of the Day and playing your guitar. At this rate, you'll go crazy that you'll actually think you can go to a crossroads around midnight and learn to play blues. Do something outside of the house. And remember, you gotta roll with it.

PS: Get to work on those journalism projects.

Signed, me.

ArenaBoy
04-19-2008, 04:59 AM
Dear Tottenham,

The idea is to win. Do you recall that concept? Just getting the first goal is not good enough.

BTW - corners.. they are supposed to give you a better chance to score (see above). They weren't invented as a more complex method of giving the ball back to your opponents!

Slyt.

Same old Sp*rs eh? Paul Robinson still in goal? Also, may we have Berbatov? I've lost count of how many times Drogba says he wants to leave and then changes his mind. Also, remember Tore Andre Flo? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeIzUpD4FGM) :p

On that note:

Dear Didier Drogba: For the love of all things holy don't go. You have made me eat crow after some of your more dismal seasons but you and Lampard are our scoring threats. And you'll be a legend if you stay.

Dear Avram Grant: You're tactically inept, seriously, Essien at right back? You got it right the other day against Everton but you are truly a clueless manager. We used to be a team that was hard to score on in set pieces and now we're crap. I also don't want to lose our home record!

Dear Roman: Please hire Jose, Deschamps, Laudrup, or Lippi with Zola as an assistant. Preferbly Jose or Deschamps. Laudrup I wouldn't mind either.

Dear Petr Cech: Take the summer off, as in don't get out of bed. You got a helmet, a chin strap, and next thing we know you'll be playing in a bubble.

Dear Joe Cole: You're awesome. End of story. You're also the only player in England who can do fancy footwork and still do something beneficial for Chelsea, unlike a certain over gelled hair styling Portuguese guy who seems to be fixated on doing 17 stepovers.

Dear ArenaBoy,

Please tell your team to win - I don't want to see MU get the premiership again :P

Two points behind and United have to play Blackburn! BRING IT ON FERGIE! I still think we're the better side though, United needed to have a man advantage to score against us FFS and that penalty was a dive. I still think C.Ronaldo's overrated too.

Peppergirl
04-19-2008, 01:25 PM
Dear Skin,

Please accept my humble apologies for subjecting you to a LOVELY combo of sun AND wind burn. Please get over it now and don't be red and painful.

Dear Brain,

Thanks alot for spacing and causing an 800.00 mistake on a reservation. In addition to beating myself up repeatedly over it, I'm quite sure I'll never hear the end of it from my bosses.

Dear Eldest Son,

I don't want to hear about the trick your GF played on you on your 20th B-day by telling you she's pregnant. I'm your mom and, although you think I'm pretty cool - I can ASSURE you I'm not cool enough to be amused by THAT little tidbit of info.

Dear Youngest Son,

Please stop assuming I'm an idiot. I can assure you that I've 'been there and done that' on nearly every stunt you've been attempting to pull lately. Knock it off.

MystyGlyttyr
04-19-2008, 07:01 PM
Dear coworker,

Yes, I am playing music at my desk. Heavy metal, thrashing, violent, loud rock, rap, whatever, the more abrasive and pissed off, the better. However, I know that complaining about it is just something you're doing to be a bitch because when I walk ten feet away from my desk, I can no longer hear it. Considering your desk is across the room, behind a wall, and you've got your loud-ass computer running, I know for a freaking fact that you can't hear it.

Do not interfere with my weekend music. I'm already in a bad mood. If I don't get my daily helping of Fozzy, it will not be pretty for one of us, and by "one of us" I mean YOU. Don't forget we're the only two in the building and I know where the security cameras are...and more specifically, are NOT.

Grrrr
Mysty

Kusanagi
04-19-2008, 10:33 PM
This is going to be a long, rambling, angry one. This is going to make NO sense but I need it right now, desperately. :(

Dear K:

You know what? FUCK YOU. I'm so fucking sick of being used as a doormat and being jerked around. You had plans to hang out with me after FOUR FUCKING YEARS of things falling through due to legitimate reasons then changed them at the last minute to go somewhere that I can't get time off to go see you. Why? Because I finally realize you've been making me think that my feelings mattered and didn't even tell me that yours for me changed.

All things are equal in deciding when you want to come out, and I know that despite what you claim, or despite what you think, you don't give a shit. Fuck you, I'm DONE.

Sincerely, Angry Me

Dear Angry Me:

Don't lose it over this, it's not worth it. You still have friends that care about you and you'll be sure to find something where you can be happy one day. Just put your best foot forward and things will turn around in no time, okay?

Sincerely, Hopeful Me

Dear Hopeful Me:

You know what? Fuck you too. You're the reason I even exist in the first place - if you just fucking gave up on emotions when the rest of the body was broken and exhausted in a bloody lump on the floor after finally duking it out with you, we BOTH decided that just choosing not to give a shit anymore would avoid these unpleasantries. We've tried it your way and guess what? You don't do anything, you just make it easier to get hurt when slammed with thing after thing after thing after thing. There's no time to waste on you right now if we even want to fucntion to the point where we can make sales, or to the point where we can make money and not end up like we did years ago bin when we finally have it out again and go off the deep end. We finally hit a balnce over the last few months in spite of ALL the shit going on, and YOU are the one fucking it up. Be glad I even ALLOW you to exist right now AT ALL.

Sincerely, Angry Me

Dear Angry Me and Hopeful Me

Both of you shut the hell up and die already so I can be the only one left, the way it should be, the way it used to be.

Sincerely, Logical Me

Dear Logical Me

Can you please somehow get us to swing by the hospital on the way home? I think I'm broken after Angry Me got upset because of Hopeful Me over and punched the door as hard as he could.

Sincerely, My Right Wrist

:cry:

blas
04-19-2008, 10:37 PM
Dear Kus,

I am sending a box full of good karma sealed with a kiss your way.....

Blas

monolayth
04-19-2008, 11:19 PM
Dear body,


I understand I did a lot of things this past two day that you don't like. I know this because of the way you protest when I move. It was fun right? You did enjoy it. Please quit your complaining.

Lots of Love,

The mind you are complaining to.


Dear Kus,


You ok?

Concerned,

Monolayth


Dear brother,

Move back to Omaha, I miss you!

Your little sister

the_std
04-19-2008, 11:31 PM
Dear body,

Do you know what I've eaten today? Four bowls of broccoli, peas and green beans.

GET IT?!

Aaaaaaaaaargh,
Me

Jester
04-19-2008, 11:57 PM
Dear Phoenix Suns.

What. The. HELL? You had control of the game. You had a 16 point lead at one point, an 8 point lead at the half, and things in control near the end of regulation and the first overtime. And you still lost? Guys, sack up! Play defense at the end the way you were at the beginning. Stop playing delay basketball near the end when you have a 3 point lead and there are 10 seconds to go, and just go to the hole and score, and make the other team try to score twice in that time. Stop throwing away the game, damnit!

Signed,

Your Loyal Psycho Fan.

P.S. I am still pissed off at you as an organization for doing exactly nothing for my niece after her brain surgery, despite repeated contacts with you. Your community relations department sucks ass. Y'all know who you are!


Dear San Antonio Spurs,

You got lucky, and you know it. This is our season, damn it, and we are going to take you down!

Signed,

Psycho Phoenix Suns Fan.


Dear Tim Duncan

You are a great player. One of the best currently, and perhaps one of the best all around players ever. You are, from all accounts, also a great person. So, with all that going on, WHY do you whine and pose and pout after Every. Single. Foul. Called. Against. You. Or. Your. Damn. Teammates?

Seriously.

Dude, I know some calls are bogus. And everyone occasionally complains about calls, valid or not. But when you whine and bitch and moan and make faces after your teammate mows down a member of the opposite team and gets called for a foul, and then you have the same exact reaction AGAIN when you mow down the SAME member of the opposite team, and both calls were CLEARLY valid charging fouls....well, then you look and sound like a whiney little punk ass bitch. I had respect for you, I did, but the more you continue to act liek whiney little punk ass bitch, the more I am going to think of you as a whiney little punk ass bitch.

Yours,

Get Real.


Dear My Mechanic

Dude, I asked you for quotes on those parts and services THREE WEEKS AGO. And reminded you about them TWO WEEKS AGO. Freakin' call me with the info, dude, and that way you can make money off of me while you actually do to my truck what needs to be done to it. Don't MAKE me go to those other guys!

Your Client (for now).

Dear Kusanagi,

You whine one more time about you being single with all these women throwing themselves at you, I will personally fly out there and throw you off a pier, bridge, or upper deck in a stadium. After I beat you silly with a whiffle ball bat. I haven't had so much as a date in ten freakin' months, and I ROCK....I don't want to hear your bitching any more, or I'll start calling you Tim Duncan.

Jester.


Dear Makers of the Big Buck Hunter video game,

Thank you for giving me something to relieve my frustrations on. Especially after that double overtime heartbreaker of a game tonight.

Frustrated Basketball Fan.

Kusanagi
04-20-2008, 12:13 AM
No, I'm not :cry:

Dear wrist - please don't be broken. You know I can't afford anything more than a wristbrace right now, and I will get you one tonight...along with lotsof painkillers. Stop swelling up please...

Dear Distance - fuck you for being in the way of me and the people that care about me when I get like this. YOU are the reason I can never meet people I'm interested in.

Dear Airline Fares - see above.

Dear San Diego girls - Why do you all suck so much? Stop trying to be likeParis Hilton. And you all wonder why you blow through boyfriends. Try being genuine and STOP BITCHING ABOUT HOW THERE ARE NO NICE GUYS LEFT.

And one more that's been building up that isnt entirely original but true for me nontheless:

Dear Women who complain that there are no nice guys left:

Want to know what happened to them? YOU DID.

You see, you HAD the shot at a nice guy. If you think back, there was always a time in your life where you had a platonic guy pal who always wanted to be more, but you shrugged him off because he just wasn't your type for whatever reason your immature mind came up with. Too fat, short, poor, etc, and you tried to go after the dreamboat guy that ended up cheating on you or kicking you to the curb after he got tired of you putting out. You resented the nice guy's devotion and friendship and didn't return in kind beyond the level that was just enough to keep him around for support. Eventually, he got the hint that if he wanted to date someone like you, he'd have to act like the assholes that you had been dating. So he cleaned up his act and got some backbone when it came to what he wanted. And truth be told, turned into more of a cynical asshole than he ever wanted to be. You kept going off and doing your own thing.

So now you've still been chasing guys who still fit this horrible infantile shallow taste that you have and having only been encountering players and assholes. You try the bar and club scene for a few years, wondering "What happened to the nice guys?"

Want to know what happened to all the nice guys? You did. If only you were five years younger, or had the ability then to see what you had right in front of you at the time.

Most women will only have a handful of "nice" guys come into their lives. So please, stop misrepresenting what it is you want and grow up, or admit ot the fact that you've completely screwed yourself over. You aren't getting any younger.

Sincerely -

Someone who is STILL trying hard to be a nice guy

Jester
04-20-2008, 12:14 AM
Dear Beer,

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. You are my savior more often than you know. Yes, you cause me problems too, but overall, the positives far outweigh the negatives. You rock, Beer!

Yours Forever,

Beer Drinker.


Dear Top Chef Producers,

About time you had a challenge utilizing the magic elixir that is beer. Better late than never, though.

Your Fan,

Beer Drinking Jester.


Dear Stephanie on Top Chef,

You rock. You are awesome, and you are going to win. Kick the other chef's asses for me.....and then give me a call. You are too cute!

Single Jester.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-20-2008, 12:53 AM
Dear internet connection:

Die in a fire. I shouldn't have to try connecting two or three times before I get a connection that isn't "limited connectivity" or "local only".

Irv

Evil Queen
04-20-2008, 01:07 AM
Dear Kusanagi,

You whine one more time about you being single with all these women throwing themselves at you, I will personally fly out there and throw you off a pier, bridge, or upper deck in a stadium. After I beat you silly with a whiffle ball bat. I haven't had so much as a date in ten freakin' months, and I ROCK....I don't want to hear your bitching any more, or I'll start calling you Tim Duncan.

Jester.

Dear Jester,
I was wondering who was going to say it. And, oh by the way, next time I'm in S. Florida do you wanna go out and bitch about sucky customers?

I'll buy the first round,
-EQ



Dear Kus,
I agree with Jester, dude, relax and enjoy your farking fan club!

Your Fan Club president,
-EQ



Dear Job,

Either please stop making the phone ring or please start giving me more walk ins because if you're going to interrupt my eating my banana and peanut butter sandwich -- The first meal I've eaten all day -- you better have a good reason. :pissed:

More then slightly irked,
-EQ


Dear Work Accountant,

Please give me my raise now! I don't wanna wait until JUNE!

The lady in waiting,
-EQ



Dear Irving Patrick Freleigh,

Get your fanny back in the barn, we're not done being mean to you yet! And why'd you take the beard off?!? Don't make me send the rest of the group after you with chains!

Your Loving Fiend,
-EQ

P.S. I missed the "r" on purpose. :devil:

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-20-2008, 01:20 AM
Dear Evil Queen:

You talk but I'm still on the loose. Ha ha! I'm getting away!

*plbbbbtttttt!
Irv

Jester
04-20-2008, 01:33 AM
...next time I'm in S. Florida do you wanna go out and bitch about sucky customers?

I'll buy the first round...

Dear EQ,

Well, when you offer free booze, how can I refuse?

So, when should I expect this first round. Are you expecting to be in the Keys anytime soon?

Inquiring livers want to know......

:cheers:

Jester

Kusanagi
04-20-2008, 01:37 AM
Dear everyone -

Please see my comments about airfare and distance. :P

Hey, I'm only human and I've been through alot of shit this last year without a breakdown. I think I've earned a little emo time to listen to Linkin Park. ;)

Jester
04-20-2008, 01:42 AM
Dear Kusanagi,

Emo this. http://www.spokanestreetracing.com/forums/images/smiles/new_321.gif

Your friend.

Evil Queen
04-20-2008, 03:00 AM
Dear Jester,

I'll be in S. Florida when the last "grandparent" finally kicks the bucket. But he's a mean old bastard so it may be a while. :(

But I'll be happy to share the free booze offer with anyone else who wants to come with! :D

-EQ



Dear Irving,

You've not seen the last of me! I have Evil Irv, he'll be a decent substitute for now. :devil:

Happy Days are Here Again,
-EQ

Becks
04-20-2008, 03:01 AM
Dear Jester,

If I were single, I'd throw myself at you.

Don't know how far I'd get, considering the distance, but..

Oh yeah... http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/sex010.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

Some clever closing,

Becky

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-20-2008, 03:31 AM
Dear Evil Irv:

Wait until EQ is asleep, then escape just like we planned. You do have the hacksaw, the chloroform and the can of baked beans as an emergency backup, right?

Awaiting your safe return,
Good Irv

TequilaSunrise
04-20-2008, 06:30 AM
Dear Kusophiles,

Please add me to the harem. :love::love::love: :yes:

Hopelessly in love,

TS

Dear Brain,
Please, please shut down so I can go to sleep.

Exhausted body

CaroPhoenix
04-20-2008, 12:07 PM
"Dear" L,

Yesterday was a really nice sun-shiney day. I decided that I was going to celebrate it by wearing my nice, bright yellow dress. I actually looked like girl! (I know, I know ... can y'all imagine?)

Just because I was bright and shiny yesterday, did not mean you were allowed to follow me around the store for the hour we were working together. I know you get distracted by bright and shiny objects, but really ... next time, I rip off your head (and I haven't decided which one yet 'cos you don't use either). Let me talk to the customers without you interrupting every few seconds.

Not happy,
IDaR

P.S. Now I need to go someplace and buy me some Sailor Jerry.

Peppergirl
04-20-2008, 12:37 PM
Dear Kus,

There is a granny member of your harem who is a travel agent. Quit bitching about fares. I'm a miracle worker.

Love,
Pepper



Dear rest of harem,

As the oldest member, I get first shot.

Love,
Pepper



Dear Jester,

I'm sure you're just as adorable as Kus. STFU already. We'll fawn over you too.

Love,
Pepper



Dear skin,

I already asked you yesterday to forgive me for exposing you to a horrible sun/wind burn while in florida. Please accept my apology already and quit hurting.

Love,
Pepper



Dear Jetta,

I don't like you. I miss my jeep. I will never like you.

Love,
Pepper

CaroPhoenix
04-20-2008, 03:07 PM
Dear Pot,

You are black.

That is all.

Your ever-suffering,
Kettle

crazylegs
04-20-2008, 03:09 PM
Dear Women who complain that there are no nice guys left:

Want to know what happened to them? YOU DID.

You see, you HAD the shot at a nice guy. If you think back, there was always a time in your life where you had a platonic guy pal who always wanted to be more, but you shrugged him off because he just wasn't your type for whatever reason your immature mind came up with. Too fat, short, poor, etc, and you tried to go after the dreamboat guy that ended up cheating on you or kicking you to the curb after he got tired of you putting out. You resented the nice guy's devotion and friendship and didn't return in kind beyond the level that was just enough to keep him around for support. Eventually, he got the hint that if he wanted to date someone like you, he'd have to act like the assholes that you had been dating. So he cleaned up his act and got some backbone when it came to what he wanted. And truth be told, turned into more of a cynical asshole than he ever wanted to be. You kept going off and doing your own thing.

So now you've still been chasing guys who still fit this horrible infantile shallow taste that you have and having only been encountering players and assholes. You try the bar and club scene for a few years, wondering "What happened to the nice guys?"

Want to know what happened to all the nice guys? You did. If only you were five years younger, or had the ability then to see what you had right in front of you at the time.

Most women will only have a handful of "nice" guys come into their lives. So please, stop misrepresenting what it is you want and grow up, or admit ot the fact that you've completely screwed yourself over. You aren't getting any younger.

Sincerely -

Someone who is STILL trying hard to be a nice guy

Dear UK ladies

Please re-read the above letter which I have quoted for emphasis.

Yours frustratedly

Crazylegs

Igorina
04-20-2008, 03:10 PM
Dear emo-Kus,

Got any reccomendations for music to listen to? I'm going through my own li'l patch of it right now, and my music list could use some expanding.

Signed,
emo-Igorina

P.S. The punning bio-geek in me almost typed, 'emu' instead of 'emo', but I figured neither one of us is a large flightless bird from Australia.

Dear Jester,

I, for one, am a fan of your sense of humour and rapier wit. I even have red hair.

Igorina

Becks
04-20-2008, 04:09 PM
Dear me,

Wait a few weeks, then if it seems the right thing, really look into a transfer.

Seriously.

This BS has to stop.

Advisingly,

Myself

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Anthony,

Thanks again for the Klondike bar you gave me yesterday. And to offer such a wide selection...You're a sweetheart. It's no wonder I adore the guys in the meat department.

Easily pleased,

Rebecca

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tommy Teddybear,

Yeah, I'm off from work today, but you won't realize it for a few hours.

Remember, the gum is in the top drawer of your desk. I even left a note for you stating that.

Sharingly,

#1 fan girl

monolayth
04-20-2008, 04:28 PM
Dear Jester,

I told you, that you have fans. The only difference is Kus posted hot costumed pics.

One of your fans,
Monoalyth

Jester
04-20-2008, 05:03 PM
I'm sure you're just as adorable as Kus. STFU already. We'll fawn over you too.

Ah, but I am not looking for web fan girls. Thanks, but I don't need fawning over from afar. This may shock some of y'all, but that has never been what I'm about.

I, for one, am a fan of your sense of humour and rapier wit. I even have red hair.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

For some reason people seem to think that red hair is a good thing for me. Yes, I have had a weakness for it, but I seem to not have the best luck with redheads. Betrayers, flings, drunks, psychos, felons... Don't take this the wrong way, but somehow I am thinking that redheads may not be in my best interest! :lol:

I told you, that you have fans. The only difference is Kus posted hot costumed pics.

I have posted costumed pics. Oh, wait....forgot about that one word: "hot." :lol:

Peppergirl
04-20-2008, 05:21 PM
Thanks, but I don't need fawning over from afar.

Who said anything about 'from afar'? ;)

I kid, I kid.

Becks
04-20-2008, 05:25 PM
I have posted costumed pics. Oh, wait....forgot about that one word: "hot." :lol:

Hey, a man in full jester's costume...VOTING...is just ROWR. :eyewaggle:

MystyGlyttyr
04-20-2008, 05:41 PM
Dear Kusanagi,

Sorry I vanished off the messenger last night, there was some heavy ass wind that took out our phone lines. It'll be fixed by tonight if you want to talk more. Vent away :)

Hint hint
Mysty



Dear Whiny Ass BITCHES Who Call Me,

WHINING at me that your shitty fluff piece didn't run on the front page of the Sunday edition means SHIT to me. I DON'T CARE. They pay me to pretend I care to your face, but the instant you turn your back, I am flipping you off, swearing, and pummeling an effigy of you into dust. If you just call and ask if it ran, fine, that's acceptable. If you waste five minutes of my time bitching and moaning that a reporter "promised" you it would run, which is a BLATANT GODDAMN LIE, because that is the very first rule we drill into new reporters heads "NEVER PROMISE ANYTHING" then I'm going to be very hard-pressed to do a damn thing to help you in any way, shape or form.

In fact, once I've ascertained what you're whining about, I'll probably tune out 30 seconds in because you aren't going to say anything other than the "professional" version of "LICK MY BOOTS WORSHIP ME PEON" and I have more important things I can be doing than listening to that, like looking at pictures of Matt Hardy's naked butt.

Yes, I'm sure that you think your story about how your TRACTOR DEALERSHIP has celebrated it's TENTH ANNIVERSARY is FRONT PAGE WORTHY, but see, we have this thing we're printing...let's see...oh yeah, it's called NEWS. We print that, not fluffy bunny bullshit about how a tractor store has managed not to implode in the middle of FARM COUNTRY.

In conclusion, bitch, I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION. In fact, let me make sure I eat a big cheesy meat-covered pizza first so I can be SURE that you catch a good whiff of how much I care.

GROWL
Mysty

tropicsgoddess
04-20-2008, 05:44 PM
Dear M,

I know you and J have known each other for years and you're a cool guy and decent looking. Aside from that you work, you're a nice guy but sometimes too nice to a fault . What bugs DF, me and everybody else that knows you is your "taste" in women and how you're pussy whooped. All the girls you've been with and even your current girlfriend V are ugly enough to make Jabba the Hut look good with the brains the size of pecans. Surprisingly they've managed to play you like a toy and manipulate the hell out of you. Hell, when me, DF and his mom went out to the bar, the cool chick you never called back was still working there!!! You could've been with somebody who was vivacious,independent, laid-back and smart with good looks but instead you settled with the high strung old cow with shit for brains who sits on her ass and doesn't work. Now you're stuck because she's pregnant!!! All I can say is good luck because you're gonna need it.


Tropicsgoddess

Jester
04-20-2008, 06:07 PM
Who said anything about 'from afar'? ;)

I kid, I kid.

I rest my case. :D

Kusanagi
04-20-2008, 08:09 PM
Dear Vicoden -

Thank you so much for existing.

~Kusanagi

Andara Bledin
04-20-2008, 08:40 PM
I have more important things I can be doing than listening to that, like looking at pictures of Matt Hardy's naked butt.

Dear Mysty,

I do believe you have your priorities in the right place.

So where does one find said pics?

One of your fans,
^-.-^

MystyGlyttyr
04-20-2008, 09:05 PM
Dear Mysty,

I do believe you have your priorities in the right place.

So where does one find said pics?

The "Fantasy Lake" episode of The Hardy Show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9TqTKN2Rm8

It's censored in the YouTube preview. However, on the actual Hardy Show ep, I have been told it are not. :D

AKA will be buying that DVD...

CaroPhoenix
04-20-2008, 11:17 PM
My dearest, sweetest punkinest pie ever,

Please put on some clothing! Why are you running around the house nekkid as the day you were born? You're not getting your bubble bath until after Dora the Explorer.

Clothing is not optional in the house. You have to wear something every day (unless you're in the bath, then no clothing).

Mother of a free-spirited nekkid child,
IDaR

----------------------------------------------------------

My dear child,

You will get your lollipop after you eat your goldfish. You must learn that no matter how much you yell in Mommy's ears, you will not get what you want. What you will get is a deaf Mommy who can hear out of her ears because of your yelling.

Love,
Always & Forever,
Mommy

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Idea Nuova,

Why can I not find a website/complaints e-mail for you? And in which world is it acceptable to put a flat sheet that is 39"x75" in a package, not once but at least twice that I know of, when the package reads the flat sheet should actually be 54"x75"???

I hate you, you company. Now I have to e-mail Wal-Mart (where I bought and then exchanged the darn things 'cos I lost my darn receipt! :mad: ).

No love,
IDaR

------------------------------------------------

Dear Pot,

You're still black.

Just because I took a nap, doesn't mean you should take one too. I accidentally made myself sick by not taking my blood pressure medication until almost 3 PM in the afternoon. Plus, I had a really bad headache by being left in our small SUV and a screaming child.

Your still suffering
Kettle

Bella_Vixen
04-21-2008, 01:41 AM
Dear new peircing in my left ear--

Why are you bleeding?

Actually you aren't REALLY bleeding, so why am I getting a slight smear when I clean you every morning for the last week?

I'm keeping you clean and safe, so why are you making me worry about you?

Please stop this nonsense.

Worrying--

Me

************************************************** *******

Dear JC Penney--

You, as a whole, no longer need to suck it, either long and/or hard, but your website does. If the earrings you have advertised are ONLY available in-store, you really should say so.

Grudgingly--

Me

Evil Queen
04-21-2008, 01:56 AM
Dear Bella,

I had the same problem, too, when I was 14. Turns out I was allergic to metal. Being 21 now, I still can't wear earrings.

I hope that you heal properly and don't wind up having an allergy.

-EQ

----------

Dear X,
Baby I love you but we have to clean the house tomorrow. No, I'm not going to allow you to do anything that involves avoiding the dishes. If I have to Mop, then you have to do dishes. When we're finished we cna go out for ice cream.
No you're not fat but if you loose your tubby tummy I'm going to cry so you get the full fat ice cream.
The chubby chaser of your dreams,
-EQ

----------

Dear Bank,
My tax refund came in today and it made me happy. Thank you for being a good bank and for giving me a nice surprise today. I'll be forwarding the excess moolah into the savings account. Loves you!
-EQ

Evil Queen
04-21-2008, 02:03 AM
To: Other lovely CS Forumites
From: Evil Queen
Re: XXDarrienX's "A Situation is Brewing"



Dear Friends,

I had lunch with XXDarrienX last week and talked about his craptacular girlfriend and the situation he was in. The two will be separating shortly as he needs to find a place to house the dogs before he leaves. The girlfriend (Hereon our known as The Witch because she gets mad at him for talking to ANYONE OTHER THEN HER) is currently out of town this week (left yesterday) and will be gone for several days. I can't remember why but it doesn't matter right now. The point is he's temporarily free of her and this taste of freedom should give him the incentive he needs to move out more quickly.
He and I (along with my bf X, who likes XXDarrienX because they can talk about computer games together) will be seeing each other again in the next couple of days as we both have time off from work at the same time so we'll be teaching XXDarrienX the wonderfulness that is "Monty Python's Flying Circus."

I will gladly update you guys as necessary.
-EQ

Dear Mods,

If you feel this post is in error, you have my full permission and support to remove it. Have a good evening!

-EQ

Bella_Vixen
04-21-2008, 02:09 AM
Dear Bella,

I had the same problem, too, when I was 14. Turns out I was allergic to metal. Being 21 now, I still can't wear earrings.

I hope that you heal properly and don't wind up having an allergy.

-EQ






:eek:

I know allergies can and do show up without warning, even if you've done the same thing/used the same product before, but...:eek:

I don't want to be allgeric to metal! I love my real gold! (I'm such a snob!)

Evil Queen
04-21-2008, 02:12 AM
:eek:

I know allergies can and do show up without warning, even if you've done the same thing/used the same product before, but...:eek:

I don't want to be allgeric to metal! I love my real gold! (I'm such a snob!)
Sucks hardcore. Thankfully, I can still wear my gold ring but necklaces and earrings are outta the question. :eek: Lets just hope it's a temp. hormone imbalance.

Which makes me really really sad because my brother bought me a beautiful pair of earrings shortly before I got the allergy and I miss wearing them!

Shangri-laschild
04-21-2008, 02:21 AM
Dear sister,

You're kidding right? I didn't flip or tell you you were an idiot when you announced you were engaged (not much anyway). I figured you'd realize you were an idiot before anything actually happened.

This guy you are engaged to is the same guy who almost got you arrested for a felony. The fact that he's hanging out with people who pull guns when confronted by cops doesn't really help his case any at all.

So I get home today to find that you've set a date. It's a month from now. Apparently my hope that you've discovered that you're an idiot hasn't set in yet. You admit that he's damaged goods. You admitted this after he slept with his ex last month. This strangely hasn't detracted you any.

I got a bit of a laugh when I found out that you're looking at apartments in the upscale apartment complex. Unless your guy is stealing cars again, I'm guessing you two can't afford that. Especially since he sucks at stealing cars! Oh he's going to be a telemarketer? Yeah I've heard about all the times he's blown up at mom over nothing. He's totally going to work out as a telemarketer.

Mom and Dad have lost just about all sympathy for you at this point considering you know he's a loser. I'm trying really hard to be nice about it. I'm failing.

Skeptically,
Me


Mom,

Thank you so much for telling me before she did. While I'm not exactly trying to be supportive, I am trying to be nice about it. Me bursting out laughing in her face would have been a bit of a problem and since that was my first reaction, along with a "nuh uh, you're kidding right," I can see how that would have been counter-productive.

Love,
Me

Becks
04-21-2008, 02:35 AM
Dear new glasses,

You rock.

For the most part.

I picked you up just before work yesterday and you were fine.

Then you decided that the ear pieces were too tight after the place closed. (Which is just as well, since I was stuck at work, anyway.) Of course, now I have to wait until at least tomorrow.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

Becky

blas
04-21-2008, 02:55 AM
Dear girl at the bar,

Wear a skirt that fits. I do not want to see your asscheeks. And contrary to what you believe, bending over seductively will not get you Prince Charming.

Thank goodness I have a strong stomach and don't puke easily. Blech.

Blas

TruthHurts
04-21-2008, 06:05 AM
Dear Roommate,

We don't like your ex. She is rude, loud, and shows absolutely no regard for the feelings of the other people who live here. Whenever she leaves a message you make a big deal out of saying how you can't stand her and want to avoid her.

But as soon as she finally manages to get a hold of you, you are all smiles and "Hey come on over." We don't like her, you know we don't like her, you don't like her half the time, so why invite her over?

Your woken up abruptly on her only day off due to her unnecessary yelling roomie
TH

Sylvia727
04-21-2008, 07:00 AM
Dear Medical Insurance Company,

I know that having wisdom teeth pulled is usually a luxury and thus is not typically covered under the definition of "absolute bare necessities" however, won't you admit that teeth are not supposed to come in at 90 degree angles? And that having open sores in one's mouth that are infected and bleeding is not healthy at all?

Fuck you very much,
Sylvia

-----

Dear Orajel,

I love you.

In numbing relief,
Sylvia

-----

Dear Cousin Sugar,

You're not going to school. You're not raising a child. You're not donating time or energy to any charities or activist groups. So don't come whining to me when your 30 hours a week at a minimum wage doesn't pay the rent. Get more hours. Or get another job. It wouldn't kill you to work 60 hours a week like most lower class folk. Stop asking your father for money. He was broke before he decided to sign for $20k of your tuition debt, which you promptly failed all the classes for. Stop asking your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and distant relatives for money. They have better investments than your loser ass.

If you really do want out of debt, you could try some combination of the following: (1) Working more hours (2) Applying for a better job or working for a promotion (3) Stop bailing your druggie mother out of debt (4) Stop buying expensive toys (5) Stop eating out, and switch to store-brand groceries.

Stop lecturing me on responsible money management. Yes, I bought a book. An $8 book, which I fugging earned by scrimping on groceries and subsisting on ramen noodles and PBJ for a week. How much was that new cell phone of yours? When the old one worked perfectly fine?

I know that John loves you very much. So much that he decided to share a gift with you, that you had to have treated at an anonymous clinic. I'm sure his pregnant, live-in girlfriend is a bitch for calling you up and warning you to stay away from her man. I'm sure John is only staying with her for the baby's sake, and lying to her about breaking up with you in order to keep her "crazy pregnancy hormones" in check. But now that John, his girlfriend, and his baby son moved halfway across the country, why don't you consider seeing someone new? I know John still calls you and plots to move you to his new city, but unless you plan to get pregnant, his "bitch" girlfriend is still one up on you. Two up, actually, since he lives with her and not you.

Please don't get pregnant yet. You need to get your head on straight first. You need money first. I heard a rumor that babies like to eat. And wear clothes, and play with toys.

Please, Sugar, do yourself a favor and stop fucking your life up.

Love,
Your Cousin Sylvia

Jester
04-21-2008, 08:02 AM
Dear Meat Loaf,

What the hell, dude? I mean, your stuff is classic. You ROCK. And you go and sell out for that stupid Go Phone commercial?

Yeah, yeah, I know, lots of songs are on commercials these days, from respected artists. Even my favorite band Heart has a riff from "Barracuda" on a freakin' minivan commercial.

But they only provided a riff. They didn't change the freakin' song.

Dude, you took one of your all time classics, and changed the lyrics to cheesey commercialism crap, and PERFORMED said crap on the commercial. You didn't even have the dignity to hide behind someone else performing your revamped song after you sold its soul to Corporate America.

To take your cue, let me change some of your lyrics for you:

"Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Meat Loaf selling his soul is a depressing sight."

Okay, that was cheesy. See what I mean? But Meat, I'll close with some of your lyrics, unadulterated:

"And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost."

So, Meat, was it worth the cost?

Your Disgusted Fan

draggar
04-21-2008, 09:53 AM
Dear Medical Insurance Company,

I know that having wisdom teeth pulled is usually a luxury and thus is not typically covered under the definition of "absolute bare necessities" however, won't you admit that teeth are not supposed to come in at 90 degree angles? And that having open sores in one's mouth that are infected and bleeding is not healthy at all?

Fuck you very much,
Sylvia


Deal Sylvia,

Insurance companies suck. They kill 44,000 people a year because they don't want to spend money.

They don't pay our doctors a fraction of what they deserve and when something goes wrong because the insurance company doesn't want to pay up the doctor gets sued and the courts go against the doctor.

They think someone who can type well knows more about medicine than actual doctors do.

Dear Meat Loaf,

What the hell, dude? I mean, your stuff is classic. You ROCK. And you go and sell out for that stupid Go Phone commercial?

Dear Jester,

I agree. It's sickening when someone sells out like that, especially in such a cheesy way.

Although, once again I'm seeing an influx of Queen songs in commercials and they're not too badly done ("I Want It All" for a credit card commercial, the guy is buying a new TV and "Don't Stop Me Now" for Cadbury Chocolates (on YouTube now). I've seen a few others, too.

kaetchen
04-21-2008, 12:39 PM
Dear roomate,

Okay, I understand that you are going to be gone for a month and a half and don't want to pay rent. That's fine, and I understand you want to get someone to sublease it. Okay.

HOWEVER, when I tell you that if you are going to pick someone and to please run it by me first...why is it that you neglect to ask me before effing asking the person?!! Neither myself, OR the bf think that your kleptomaniac friend is the best person to sublease to! Especially after you tell me about how he stole massive amounts of things from the University and complusively steals bikes!! (PLUS THERE IS NO WHERE TO HIDE THEM HERE IF WE WERE TO! AND I WORK FOR A POLICE DEPARTMENT!!! THAT ='s BAD BAD BAD!!!!)
I know you say "Oh, he doesn't do that anymore." Oh really, how do you know that for sure? You don't have any definitive proof of this.

It's bad enough that another one of your idiot friends came into our room and stole $ out of my change jar for cigs.

No love.

Also...
Dear future mom-in-law lady person,
Yes, I know that I told you about my wig. You've known about me wearing them for about 4 years now, also I have told you MULTIPLE TIMES that I have Trichotillomania and that's why I pull my hair .
Remind me in the future not to tell you why I am absolutely livid at UPS for not sending my wig on time when I paid extra. Because deciding to ask me "Is that a new wig?" while we're eating with the rest of your family who doesn't really know and then trying to back-pedal only to end up having everyone wonder what the hell you're talking about and as a result having everyone go ":eek: :jawdrop: whawhawhat?"isn't really helping me to like you much more. You could have at LEAST asked while we had been in the car when we were by ourselves.

I think I want to have a courthouse wedding when the time comes,
Me

morgana
04-21-2008, 04:23 PM
Dear Jester,

I am a redhead.



Betrayers, flings, drunks, psychos, felons...

I am "none of the above".

Don't give up hope. :devil:

Morgana

friendofjimmyk
04-21-2008, 05:15 PM
Dear you - you know who you are,

I can appreciate the fact that you are still reeling from your first ever relationship. I can respect the fact that you do not want to put yourself in a vulnerable position to get hurt again. I really can understand that. However, if you do not want a girlfriend - you do not deserve the benefits of one. I know I am to blame in this situation because I allow the behavior to continue - but you know where I am - you know how I feel about you. I cannot help but feel taken advantage of - the worse thing is I have no one but myself to blame...

so... I guess...

Dear me,

You suck! Buck up and stand up for yourself! If you don't like it - you DON'T have to put up with it. YOU choose to stay in this situation when you do NOT receive what you want from it. You have NO ONE to blame but yourself - so what are you waiting for - you're not getting any younger! :(

protege
04-21-2008, 05:19 PM
Dear Baxter,

I know you and your fellow kitty Sally have only been home 2 days, but could you please stop leaving massive furballs in the living room? I know you're just playing with her, but stop it :p Oh, and you're welcome to curl up in the green recliner.

--Pro

Lace Neil Singer
04-21-2008, 07:05 PM
Dear Bitch Features,

I know that when a person makes an apology to another, there's a certain etiquette that goes along with it. Sadly, you don't know that. Thanks for throwing my flag of truce right back at me; may you contract crabs and headlice and consequently lose all your remaining friends, who I pity for they have to put up with you all the time. I put my hope in karma and it biting you right in your arse one day.

LNS

Saydrah
04-21-2008, 07:12 PM
Dear Rat World,

Enough with the drama already. I say something innocuous that could, if I was a bad person, have a bad meaning. You know me. You know I am not that kind of person. Yet you still assume that I meant the "by some stretch of the imagination it could mean this" bad interpretation of what I said. Quit being jerks, ok?

-Is this middle school?


Dear Birds in the Stove Fan,


AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Can't you wake up at 9 or some other REASONABLE time, not daybreak?

-Not an Early Bird

ShinyGreenApple
04-22-2008, 03:28 AM
Dear teenaged boys who ate at Little Ceasar's whilst I was in there today,

You are stupid, self-absorbed wastes of flesh and oxygen. While you obviously think you are cool by crowding eight of yourselves into a very small lobby with barstool seating and being as loud as possible, I beg to differ. Contrary to your beliefs, the general public do not find you amusing in the least when you say the same things over and over, especially when said things are peppered with "Dis is funny shit!" and "I don't want no Mountain Dew, it'll make your winky shrink!" To the contrary, it makes you appear to have all the intelligence of a petrified grapefruit, and the very fact that you still use the term "winky" makes it obvious to me that yours is either non-existent, or at the very most, when flaccid it is little more than a bobbin, or when inflamed, towers a mere four inches. The next time you get the urge to disrupt a public dining area, please repress it and order in, or have some nice oreos and milk while you sit and let Elmo teach you all about the wonders of rubber balls. It will spare me, and the rest of the people of this good town of your idiocy. The same idiocy that makes me loose more faith in humanity with every word that exits your slavering, pubescent mouth and makes me overcome with the desire to Sweeney myself with a rusty salad fork.

TruthHurts
04-22-2008, 05:22 AM
Dear Gray Hairs,

I spent $20 dollars on a lovely red shade in order to hide you. Instead I have lovely red hair with all the gray still intact. How dare you defy me.

Signed
Not willing to grow old gracefully

:cry:

CaroPhoenix
04-22-2008, 09:40 AM
Dear Gray Hairs,

I spent $20 dollars on a lovely red shade in order to hide you. Instead I have lovely red hair with all the gray still intact. How dare you defy me.

Signed
Not willing to grow old gracefully

:cry:


Dear TruthHurts,

I can sympathize with you about the gray hairs that defy the home dye. You might have to break down and get them professional dyed. I know that's what I've had to do.

:cry: in sympathy,
IDaR

Lace Neil Singer
04-22-2008, 11:45 AM
Dear Slow Male Mate,

Why did you ask me the other day if my hair was dyed, when at the moment it's bright red with blonde streaks in front? I would love it if my hair naturally grew this colour, as I'd save the 40 approx it takes to have it dyed. I refuse to apologise for laughing myself sick at your inane question, but I hope that next time I see you in the pub we can put this incident behind us. You're alright really, but you do ask very stupid questions sometimes.

LNS

MystyGlyttyr
04-22-2008, 03:28 PM
Dear Matt Hardy,

How much money would it take for you to fly out here and just stand next to my desk and let me just look at you for a while? I'll pay extra for the creepy factor of the unrelenting staring, I promise. And I'll pay more extra if it's shirtless. I will sell you my soul for naked except for shorts.

Oh my God, I used to HATE YOU. Just the thought of you once upon a time made me physically ill. Then you ended up being a decent human being after all and...just...when the hell did you get so freaking hot?? I mean...I don't know if you've looked at you lately but DAMN.

Just looking...a lot...
Mysty

the_std
04-22-2008, 03:47 PM
Dear Boyfriend,

Please get your act together or this is over. And, since I don't want to have to pay both halves of the rent, I'd prefer you to stick around.

Oh, and I love you. That might be incentive, too.

Very Unhappy,
Me.

crazylegs
04-22-2008, 07:47 PM
Dear N

I don't think you realise how much of a total prat you sound when you state the following phrase 'stick with me and you'll learn Crazylegs'. You may wish to consider the following

1) I have more training in this job than you do, infact my training was 60% longer than yours (this was due to an improvement in the training package)

2) You only have 6 weeks on the job experience (for this job) than I, after well over a year, this means jack shit

3) I have considerably more Management experience than you

4) I have considerably more experience with dealing with youths, both compliant and non than you

5) I have had considerably more experience in dealing with aggression with you

6) Your approach to dealing with unruly people is staggering to behold, only you can lose control of a group of people that quickly

7) I have considerably more experience on dealing with aggression single crewed than you do.

If you do say that again you may find I locate the nearest pick ax and ram it sideways into your mouth in a strange toothpick type fasion, however as your arse and mouth are interchangeable this could lead to an interesting sight.

Yours pissed off

Crazylegs

Princess-Snake
04-22-2008, 08:12 PM
Dear IV line,
Thank You so much for providing me the nutrition I need in order to stay alive. I really do owe my life to you. However, would it kill you to go for more than one month without getting some kind of damn infection?! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired every month. Back in the past, it was maybe every three to four months at the least, but ever since September, my health has been riding a roller coaster. I thought that month long stay in the hospital back in October- November had fixed things, but apparently, they didn't. I took my temperature today because I was feeling a bit chilly, and the thermometer read 99.5. I was just out of the hospital last week! If I have to go back there again, I'm going to rip you out of my leg, cry in pain for about fifteen minutes, drive over to Baltimore where the hospital is located, and drown you into a vat of alcohol as nurses surround me with straight jackets and happy shots.

Respectfully yours,
Princess-Snake

MMATM
04-22-2008, 08:34 PM
Dear Mark,

Sort your shit out. Get done with your work and stop screwing around. Figure out what you're doing and get it done. Talk to your professors, catch up in your classes, finish your damn certification, and get a job lined up before the summer starts. Stop relying on twenty-year-old investments to pay your way through school, even if that's what they were originally for. Get a couple scholarships, save some money, and end up in the black for once.

Sideline all the unimportant bullshit you've been working on and focus on what has to be done. Then do it. Don't half-finish something and then decide you'll get back to it. You can't afford any more hits to your GPA or you'll end up spending an extra two years getting your degree. Stop blaming sickness and circumstances beyond your control for being behind.

Lastly, stop settling for less than you're capable of. You used to look forward to this, and now you can't be bothered to make use of your time.

Pissedoffedly,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear floormates,

OMFG STFU.

-Mark

-----------------------

Dear business majors and others to whom this may apply,

I know you've managed to get into the business school here at the 'Zoo. This means you most probably have some ability to not be completely retarded 24/7. This does not, however, mean you can slack off and make life miserable for everyone else who has a real major that requires more than a pulse to graduate.

Obviously there is more to your major than you're doing with it. My girlfriend is in the same major and is taking a lot of difficult classes, and will be graduating with at least two minors, if not two majors and a minor. As a result, she will be far and away more prepared for the business world than yourselves. Completing the bare minimum may be enough for you, but by doing so you forfeit the right to complain about anything, ever that has to do with your life here at the 'Zoo or ever again about the "real world" which you've decided not to prepare yourself for.

Also, Thursday is not a weekend day. Just because you only have two classes on Fridays and are skipping them both doesn't mean everyone else on campus needs to be kept awake until five o'clock in the fucking morning. Go to bed or at least stay in your rooms to drink, instead of running up and down the halls and screaming.

Consider yourselves warned, the next person that knocks on any door within earshot of my room by repeatedly kicking the bottom of the door for more than five seconds, producing an incessant pounding noise that echoes up and down the hall, may be mercilessly beaten with one of the following implements:
- Golf club,
- Hardwood practice sword,
- Steel chin-up bar,
- YOUR OWN ARM.

If you vomit in one or more of the bathroom stalls, CLEAN IT UP. If I ever catch any of you leaving a vomit-filled stall without even so much as flushing the fucking toilet, I will make you eat the contents of said toilet without the benefit of utensils.

Also of note: The piss-water beers and rot-gut liquors you manage to choke down are not alcohol, they are the urine and other discharges of a thousand STD-laden former porn "actors" and "actresses" fermented in Satan's asshole. The fact that such liquid horrors can cause intoxication is anything but surprising, and is far less shocking than the fact that you've retained enough brain cells to be able to operate the flip tabs and twist-off caps used to access said crimes against humanity.

Ever-so-sincerely,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear RA's,

DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. WRITE PEOPLE UP WHO DESERVE IT.

Thank you,
-Mark

-----------------------

Dear readers,

Sorry for the length.

Apologetically,
-Mark

Tanasi
04-22-2008, 09:17 PM
Dear Community Activist,
Get a real job. Get your "protest" signs out of my pasture. I don't care that you have a message to get out I have hay to raise that I will use to feed my cattle this coming winter. BTW you're trespassing catch you in my pasture again, you are going to jail and I will make it my mission to keep you there.

PO'ed Land Owner


Dear Hillary, Barak, and John,
I really do not care for any of you and come November I'll truely have to hold my nose to vote. BTW I'm paying my kids a dollar a sign for everyone of your signs that's attached to my property. Hillary I bet that big old plywood sign was expensive maybe you should have asked before putting it up. Never mind now because that sign has been painted over and I will use it for something else. No it stopped being your sign when it was abandoned on my property. John you sound like a breathless hobbit don't call back, btw you're not the only to have served in RVN, you weren't the only one to get wounded, I was smart enough to not get caught.

PO'ed Voter


Dear Police Officer,
I gave you and your fellow officers those car wash tolkens in thanks for the job you do and to keep your police car nice and shiney. That being said pulling your patrol car into my automatic washer and closing the doors and having a "date" is more than I'm going to put up with. If you're going to cheat on you wife then do it somewhere else, I will be warning you just one time and if you or one of your buddies harass either me or my family the video footage of you and your "date" will be released to your superiors and the media. I don't condone that kind of behavior and I won't be part to it.

PO'ed Tax Payer


Dear Local Temporary County Commissoner,
Tear the building down, restore it, or sell it I don't care just stop yammering about it. I can't even eat breakfast with the dead pecker club without hearing your nasalily voice. There's a reason you didn't come close to winning the primary no one outside your family and friends cares for your politics and that explains your pathetic showing. Why can't you get a clue? Is someone going to have to flat out tell you to shut the heck up? I look forward to August when your successor is elected. Don't take my politeness as caring, I just being polite to set an example for my kids were they not with me I'd tell you what I think of you.

PO'ed Voter


Dear GK,
Get better soon, we miss you and your stories.

Tanasi,

CaroPhoenix
04-22-2008, 10:48 PM
Dear Child,

No putting hands and other body parts into the toilet bowl just after/while doing your "duty" in said toilet. There is not enough anti-bacterial whatevers in the world to possibly get you clean.

Head-desking until the pain gets too much & I pass out,
Your Mommy

----------------------------------------

Dear Pot,

The fires are going out.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Your very lonely,
Kettle

blas
04-23-2008, 02:18 AM
Dear Sheriff,

I thank God every day that you got a new job and you're out of everyone's hair from 8:30-4:30 every day. Now all I have to worry about is when I'm awake and want to go out to smoke in the evening. I thank God that you are so stupid that you never condense your errands into one trip and more often than not, you're not home, and you're almost always on to go somewhere.

Having said that:

When you are home, you are nothing but a pain in the ass and I really hate you. I'm no longer sympathetic to your cranial shortcomings. You're obviously able to operate a motor vehicle and to live on your own (well, with your wife, but you know what I mean). I cannot fathom how you cannot understand that peeping out your window looking for people outside is WRONG. It may not be the same as going up to someone's window and peeping in on them but it is STILL invasion of privacy.

This has been going on since I moved in. It's so irritating. I have to smoke outside. I just want to smoke. I do NOT appreciate seeing you peeking out your window, seeing me, then proceeding to run outside and hunt me down (or anyone else who happens to be outside).

You were obviously blessed with some kind of psychic ability. There have been times at night when it's DARK where I knew you were outside, so I snuck out and rolled into a little ball and sat by my door and didn't make a peep. As soon as you walked away from whomever you were already harassing, you suddenly turned around and KNEW I was there and found me anyway.

It irritates me that I've lubricated my door so it no longer makes noise, I have started smoking at different times...and yet you still ALWAYS see me outside and come after me.

I already yelled at you once for coming after me one night while I was walking to my car. Every time I see you, I dash back inside or hide. Does that NOT phase you at all? Does that not click in that "Hey, I creep this person out, I shoudn't do that anymore." Or "Maybe I should stop bothering people."

I'm warning you. This happens ONE more time (and I guarantee it will) and I will speak with the landlord when I go to pay my rent next Monday. I will not tolerate this anymore. This is MY apartment. If I can't smoke inside, then I EXPECT to be able to smoke in peace without being stalked and spied on.

KNOCK IT OFF!

Blas

karath
04-23-2008, 04:24 AM
Dear Steve:

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET BACK TO WORK. You've been planning to change jobs for the better part of two years, DO IT ALREADY! Learn to focus, learn to study, learn to work hard enough that you can afford to move out! Start making friends in real life; the "buddies" you haven't actually seen in months hardly count. You've used them as an excuse to avoid making other friends for most of your life, stop spending time in your own worlds and live in the real one for once! Pay attention to your classes, start studying, and get the hell out of community college! You've got a plan for life, get to work on it!

Respectfully, Steve.

protege
04-23-2008, 04:49 AM
Dear MGB GT,

I know it's been awhile since you've been home. I know sitting in the garage just sucks...but look at it this way. You've had a *serious* makeover, and look damn awesome in your restored glory. Oh, and the new air filter boxes should be arriving any day now...along with the bumper spacers and other chromed goodies. Looking forward to driving you and having a good time at the car shows this summer. I can hardly wait!

--Pro

friendofjimmyk
04-23-2008, 01:06 PM
Dear annonying co-worker,

Can't you tell I'm ignoring you? Can't you tell when someone isn't interested in your boring, monotonous stories. Its one thing to share a little bit of what you do outside work, but to continue to speak on and on after I've obviously stopped paying attention just confuses me. I feel bad when I'm not paying attention to you...but I am engrossed in my customerssuck.com website and I really don't like to be bothered when I'm reading it by real work let alone a chatty co-worker. :lol:

Much love - maybe if you stopped talking
FOJK

Dear Mr. Text happy person,

I don't know you yet you text me ALL THE TIME!!! Every morning, you say "guten morgen" (uh, I speak English!) and then you text me silliness throughout the day and then you text me "good night".

We are merely passing acquaintances. The only reason you have my number is for fellowship related stuff. I am not going to date you - I am happily chasing a man who does not want to be in a relationship but who spends all of his free time with me. I've explained this to you. Has that stopped you from texting me? NO! Why?

What I really can't stand is the fact that you think I care about some of the things you text me. Like, when you're "messing with me" thinking that I've gotten all upset over something you've text me. No. No, sir, I'm sorry to be rude, but you're just not that important to me. At least I've gotten you to stop sending me the pornographic picture jokes. I was not amused!! AT ALL! I am not one who is easily offended, but YOU DON'T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF A NAKED WOMAN IN VAROIUS OBSCENE SILLY SITUATIONS! You do realize that this is where ANY, ANY remote one in a billion chance of taking me to a movie was killed. There is now no chance that I'd ever even be in a room alone with you.

I know, I should be straightforward with you and tell you to stop. You know, I think that today, maybe I will...I'm sure I'll hear from you.

F***ING GO AWAY!
FOJK

draftermatt
04-23-2008, 01:31 PM
Dear Big Boss,

GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know we are slow, and you are bored, but you constantly being up in my space is infuriating. Especially when I get off the phone, relay the conversation to my boss, then you in turn tell my boss to call the person back, "You'd better talk to them"

And today, I knew what I was looking for, it wasn't there but you said "It has to be there" guess what, it wasn't, either time. Twice in a 5 minute span you did this.

One of these days I'm going to lose it and punch you right in the fucking head, and I'll got to jail with a smile on my face. Your brother and I got into badly a few years back, and did you notice how I'm one of the few people he speaks civily to? Yeah, because I chewed his ass out. Once my wife is out of school I'll be job hunting, and while I'd hate to lose the reference, if you keep pushing it's not going to be fun for you.

I know how to do my job, and do it well. I've been doing it fine for almost 7 years now. Funny how you seem to trust me when we are busy. Guess money will do that to you.

Asshole.

friendofjimmyk
04-23-2008, 01:53 PM
..I'm sure I'll hear from you.


....ah, there you are like freakin' clockwork. I could almost use your texts as an alarm if I didn't have to be at work @ 6am.

Oh, and your bullshit about how you get up at 4am to jog in the morning! Yeah, right. You smoke 2 packs a day, you run a meeting that ends near midnight each night and you are so freakin' pale I need sunglasses to stand around you to stop the glare. Don't bullshit me - I'm already not impressed.

I'd text you and tell you to leave me alone, but I believe its best said in person.

Becks
04-23-2008, 03:05 PM
Dear T,

Thank you (I think) for saying something to me that actually made me blush with pleasure, look down and act all shy.

That doesn't happen very often.

I'm going to get you back for that.

Becky

Misanthropical
04-23-2008, 03:06 PM
Dear coworker who sits next to me,

You are so use to putting down people and getting away with it, that you think you are the smartest person on the planet. That stopped when I was told to sit next to you. Well, my friend and I were told to move over by you and she refused to sit next to you, so being the good friend I am, I bit the bullet and sat next to you.

You try so hard to put me down and I always turn it back on you and you end up looking like the dumbass. You always end up pouting and sulking like a two year old when it happens. So, maybe you should just stop or do you like me making you look like a complete jerk? You do make it easy, so it's no skin off my nose.

Do you know why the boss comes over and stands next to you when you start up with me? He enjoys seeing me put you back in back in your place. He even told you that you brought it on yourself, so that pouting act doesn't work with him either, besides don't you know how revolting it is to see a middle aged man pout?


You also keep telling me you want to talk to my husband about how "evil" his wife is and how does he stand to live in a house with such an evil person, but when you have the chance, you chicken out. I'm not an evil person, being intelligent does not make one evil, no matter what your mom told you.

So, in conclusion don't start what you can't finish, dumbass.


Dear boss,

No, I don't argue with the coworker because I like him. I argue with him because he needs someone to take him down. I have told you that I am only attracted to intelligent men. My coworkers is not an intelligent man, and besides, he is threatened by intelligent women.

Kusanagi
04-23-2008, 06:42 PM
Dear fever -

Please, PLEASE drop below 102, I have no choice but to be at work and it helps if my heart isn't racing and my vision isn't blurry.

Dear stomach -

Please keep down water.

Dear emergency room -

I would have been there last night had you not been so fucking expensive to the point of charging $800 to tell me to turn my head to the side and cough. I'll make do laying in a bathtub of cold water, thanks.

Dear wrist -

No, I haven't forgotten about you. Please stop thinking I have and be nice enough to stop sending shooting pains up my arm every two minutes.

Dear car -

You know, I've had to do twenty years worth of maintinance on you in the last six months. I don't mind, as there are no repeat issues and you are a good car, but when I pull into the parking lot while running a fever of 103 and I see smoke pouring out from under the hood and oil sprayed all over the inside of the engine compartment, I will understandably freak out. Please stay there with the giant puddle of oil under the car and don't have anything else break until I figure out just what the fuck I'm going to do or how I'm going to pay to fix you.

Dear Life:

IS THAT STILL THE BEST YOU CAN DO!?

Dear potential saviors:

Did I mention I cook, clean, and have an open apartment for someone to stay for a week or so out here in San Diego?

Bleargh....

:(

Saydrah
04-23-2008, 07:45 PM
Dear SO's Grandfather,

You are a true hero. Thank you for serving our country in the second World War, and for the actions that saved many lives. Thank you also for not taking military life too seriously, because had you not intentionally gotten yourself demoted back to Private seven separate times so you wouldn't have to supervise night watch, I would have never heard your stories about ordering your men into town to brothels or getting the entire unit drunk on your watch.

I am glad that you aren't very aware anymore, because I think you're already in a peaceful place, no longer suffering from the embarrassment of being a strong man, a veteran, unable to dress yourself. It's hard to see an endangered species dying- someone who remembers times that most people born today will never hear someone personally recount, except in videos and books. It's even harder on your grandson and your daughter.

If there is any justice in this world, whatever afterlife exists will consist of you finding yourself in your own personal heaven, full of the donuts, apple pie, and french fries that you haven't been able to eat for years, with your wife by your side. Oh, and the angels will have a strong labor union.

-:cry:

Becks
04-24-2008, 12:10 AM
Dear Mommy and Bella,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for the gorgeous earrings. I can't wait to show them off at work.

:worship:

Much love,

Becks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Kusanagi,

Stop teasing me. :p

Becky

Giggle Goose
04-24-2008, 02:10 AM
Dear person my ex supposedly had an affair with,

Show yourself. I don't bite.

Love,
GG

PS: I want proof.

Amethyst Hunter
04-24-2008, 08:39 AM
Dear Kusanagi, Gravekeeper, Saydrah, and anyone else currently having a rough time,

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

It's not much, but it's something? :shrug:

--

Dear Tension Headache,

You wore out your welcome well within the first 24 hours of your descent 4 days ago. NOW GO AWAY ALREADY DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!! :rant:

--

Dear Allergies,

You still suck. Bite me.

--

Dear former hometown,

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

You wanted it, you got it. No sympathy here.

--

Dear money,

I miss you very, very, very, very, very, very much. Please to be coming back asap?

--

Dear car,

I miss you too. Sadly, if we ever do get back together again, I won't be able to take you out as often thanks to the gasfuckery going on.

--

JessEm
04-24-2008, 08:46 AM
Dear Boy,

I give you the "come hither" eyes every time you look at me. I smile at you, talk to you, tease you affectionately. I even listen to your favourite (Dog-awful) experimental Jazz. I KNOW you like me. I have made the first moves. I have made moves 1 through 10. For fuck's sake, GET THE MESSAGE!!! If you don't get your act together, I'm running off with my Doctor Who fan.

Yours,
A crush.

Dear Doctor Who Fan,

You're HAWT. Almost as hot as David Tennant.

Yours,
A fellow nerd.

Dear Kus,

Get yourself to someone who can look after you, STAT. What will happen if you collapse? At least have someone call you every now and then to make sure you're not, you know, dead.

A worried fan-club member.

XCashier
04-24-2008, 01:41 PM
Dear Doctor Who Fan,

You're HAWT. Almost as hot as David Tennant.

Yours,
A fellow nerd.
Dear Jess,

May I humbly suggest you go with the Doctor Who fan? I never regretted marrying mine. :)

XCashier

Becks
04-24-2008, 02:47 PM
Dear new frames,

OK, :wtf:. You apparently have two adjustable settings: too loose or too tight. And yet you felt fine when I chose you from the whole damn selection available.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

You still really accentuate my eyes, though.

:sigh:

monolayth
04-24-2008, 03:40 PM
Dear Jess,



XCashier

heehee, I thought you were talking to me for a second...


Dear co-worker,

Yes I am being nice and giving you a ride everyday. I am not about to let a 5 month along pregnant woman take the bus when your on my way. You say you are getting a new car the next day every day. Yet I am still giving you a ride. I have no problems with this. If you are really meaning to get a new car then do so. I get tired of hearing the same excuse every day. I really don't care. So seriously stop it.

Still giving you a ride,

Monolayth

ShinyGreenApple
04-24-2008, 04:50 PM
Dear nephew,

You're funny. First, you said you didn't want to watch the movie I picked out from the library, but you did anyways. And in my defense, I promise and swear on my life that I had absolutely no earthly idea that this particular film featured so many scenes of a gleefully pantsless Geoffrey Rush. On the other hand, you overreacted about simply seeing a few quick flashes of man-butt. It's a butt and a rather nice one too, I might add! we all have one, we all know what they look like. No biggie. And I'm sure you wouldn't have thought it so repulsive if it were Evangeline Lilly or Keira Knightley jumping on a trampoline and wearing nothing but a coat. Other than that though, I'm glad you enjoyed the movie otherwise though you were determined not to.

Thanks for the laughs,

Your quirky aunt, the Rush fan.

the_std
04-24-2008, 06:18 PM
Dear Boything,

Yes, the "Buy It Now!" button on e-Bay does, in fact, mean that, if you click that button, you will buy it now. It does not mean that you will fill in some forms, have time to think about it and go for a stroll through the park.

So now you have the World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade Collector's Edition with an art book and a map and a deck of cards and the game... Yet you don't play the game. But you will now. Cause you bought it, even if you bought it "by accident". Even if you just clicked the button "because there was a button".

Laughing and totally confused/amused,
Me

ArenaBoy
04-24-2008, 06:31 PM
Dear friends, family, and random people.

Tonight is Red Wings-Avalanche. I will be on that couch watching it. Between the hours of 7 PM - 11 PM contacting me via instant messenger, cell phone, land line, e-mail, semaphore, smoke signals, telegram, morse code, pigeon, drums, and yelling with expecting me to respond will be as likely expecting Andrei Shevchenko (soccer reference) to score a hat trick on Saturday. I am not missing this game. No way. With that said, GO RED WINGS!

PS. Dear Chelsea Football Club, please beat United on Saturday.

Lace Neil Singer
04-24-2008, 06:33 PM
Dear Fuckwit,

It may come as a surprise to you, but when someone on a motorbike slows down to take a tight bend, that is NOT an invitation to barge right past them in your Jaguar, which is in all likelyhood compensating for your being hung like a Ken doll. One day you'll try that trick with the wrong person and get what passes for your brains beaten out.

Annoyed at idiots who try to kill me,

LNS

the_std
04-25-2008, 03:25 AM
Dear School,
HAHAHAHA! I HAVE NEARLY DEFEATED YOU!

Tonight was my last class, and I graduate in August. And I will be free. Free! FREEEEE!

HA!,
Me

Becks
04-25-2008, 03:54 AM
Dear new glasses (again) and/or my local seller of said glasses,

Uh, yeah. So...

Yep.

I'm back to wearing my old glasses. Hell, I spent a good chunk of my workday not wearing my glasses at all.

I'm tired of having to get my frames readjusted. It sucks. And it's NOT WORKING. The tightness sucks and I think part of my ears are getting irritated. WHY?!?!?!?!?

I'm thinking of taking them back and seeing what can be done.

I didn't realize how comfy my old glasses were until I got the new ones.

:sigh:

Bella_Vixen
04-25-2008, 03:56 AM
Dear left ear peircing--

Thank you for stopping bleeding.

Much relieved--

Me

:wave:


************************************************** ******

Amethyst Hunter
04-25-2008, 05:07 AM
Dear money,

I miss you very, very, very, very, very, very much. Please to be coming back asap?



Dear money,

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUILOVEYOULO VEYOULOVEYOULOVEYOULOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVEYOOOOOO OOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugkisshugkisshugkisshugkisskisskisskisskisskiss*

--

Dear people of the world who think that money can't buy happiness,

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:

JessEm
04-25-2008, 06:27 AM
Dear Jess,

May I humbly suggest you go with the Doctor Who fan? I never regretted marrying mine. :)

XCashier

Dear XCashier,

Believe me, if I was sure of his affections, we'd be married by the end of the week!
He's a Tom Baker fan. Soooo dreeeaamy.....

Nerdy Love,
JessEm


Dear Monolayth,
ZOMG another Jess! Be my BFF KTHANXBAI
Love,
Jess


Dear people of the world who think that money can't buy happiness,

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:

I'd just like to add a post-script to your letter:

PS - You clearly don't know where to shop. Love, JessEm xxx

monolayth
04-25-2008, 04:54 PM
Dear, Jess

YAY, We rock!

Love,

another Jess

Dear, N

Why are you such an asshat???

Pissed

Monolayth

Dear, Dispatch

Sorry for unloading my pissy babblings via office e-mail.

Happy to be here,
Co-worker

draftermatt
04-25-2008, 06:14 PM
Dear Digestive System,

Why? I didn't have a big lunch, or an odd lunch. I didn't wolf it down, nothing.

But after that 15 minute trip to the bathroom (my butt hurst now) I thought I'd feel better, but here I sit with my stomach upset, and a knot in my throat that feels like I'm going to spew. This sucks.

iradney
04-25-2008, 07:20 PM
Dear Hotel I stayed at for two weeks

You are awesome. Seriously. The rooms are great, the bed was uber comfy, and the decor was easy on the eyes.
The staff was fantabulous. and I have already filled out a comment card, listing their names as people that really impressed me.
I hope that when I go back in 10 day's time to that town, I'll be staying with you again.

Much love,

Rads


Dear work

Holy shit, my bonus is HOW MUCH??? :eek:
Um
Thanks :D :love: Now I'll be able to buy TTO a smashing pressie for his birthday!

Love
rads


Dear TTO

My word, it's great to snuggle you again after two weeks apart!!

Soppy love n kisses
rads

Amethyst Hunter
04-25-2008, 08:06 PM
PS - You clearly don't know where to shop. Love, JessEm xxx

Three words: Garage. Sale. Whore. :lol: :D

(Actually, I'm not doing all that much shopping lol. Just hitting the store for some stuff I need and that's it. Mmm, money...)

CaroPhoenix
04-25-2008, 09:20 PM
Dear Lane Bryant,

Thank you for being the only store in 2 towns that sells garter belts for women of my size.

Eternally grateful,
IDaR

--------------------------------------
Dear Torrid,

You're awesome! I love your shoes, your thigh-his and the new corset tops (which I will be getting one once they are on clearance :p ).

Happily,
IDaR

------------------------------------------
Dear Digestive System,

Why are you plaguing me like this? What have I done to you? I ate polish sausage, Mac & Cheese & green beans for dinner last night. I ate popcorn for dessert. Today, I had 2 sandwiches & 4 cups of coffee. Why are you acting up? And when you're acting up, why do I have to get menstrual cramps at the same time!? :cry:

Unhappily,
IDaR

the_std
04-25-2008, 09:40 PM
Dear Bad Things in Life,

I can deal with you. I know I'm strong enough. But that resolve isn't there when you attack me all at once. This is part of your nefarious plan, I'm sure, but I'm gonna beat you. You just wait and see.

I just wish I felt like I could right now.

Me

crazylegs
04-25-2008, 09:57 PM
Dear T

You think you won when I walked away this evening, you haven't. This is only the beginning, I will win, I will eventually get you pinned for something.

You will Lose.

Yours Determindly

Crazylegs

Kusanagi
04-26-2008, 12:23 AM
Dear Hospital -

Thank you for taking care of me when I went in there the other night, and even finding an affordable payment plan that even I can work with. Thank you for rushing me through the waiting room when I came in after vomiting blood. The IV was much needed to get me hydrated again so now I can at least somewhat function. Thank you.

Dear specialist -

I know that you run these tests on anyone who vomits up any amount of blood, but when you say there's a remote chance that this, my lack of appetite, my lack of energy, and my stomach behaving the way it is could be related and you want to do some blood tests, and the list of possibilities includes the C word...I am understandably going to be a little distressed.

Dear blood test results -

Fuck you for taking until Tuesday.

Dear stomach -

Please, please, please don't let it be the "C" word.

Respectfully,

Kusanagi.

Evil Queen
04-26-2008, 01:37 AM
Dear Kus's tummy,

Please please please DON'T BE THE MODDER FLOGGING "C" WORD! You don't want a fangirl to cry, do you?? I'm not pretty when I cry and, honestly, I don't cry so much as I put my fist through the wall and then cry.

-Kus's fangirl leader


Dear clock,

Please hurry up. I want to go home because I've had a day.

-EQ

Andara Bledin
04-26-2008, 06:21 AM
Dear Kus,

With all you've gone through with work and such, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just an ulcer.

Prayin' for ya,
^-.-^

ArenaBoy
04-26-2008, 04:06 PM
Dear slytovhand:

Chelsea 2, Man United 1

Goals from Ballack and Rooney.

http://www.d1g.com/video/show/?id=1957563

http://www.d1g.com/video/show/?id=1957701

http://www.d1g.com/video/show/?id=1957753

the_std
04-26-2008, 04:43 PM
Dear ArenaBoy,

And that's when I tried to buy the horse a prostitute!

:lol:,
Me

ArenaBoy
04-27-2008, 12:14 AM
Dear the_std,

I love this guy. ;)

Misanthropical
04-27-2008, 03:35 AM
Dear boss,

Please don't take my most excellent assigment away and give it to a new person! I think I earned it with the work I did on the previous assigment. I will be forever in your debt.


Dear computer at work,

WTF is wrong with you? I can copy and paste with the mouse for a couple of hours and then you decide you don't like that and won't let me do it for the rest of the night. I also don't like the fact that you close pages I have up for no apperent reason. Knock it off or I will have you scraped and made into a toaster!


Dear shoulders,

You have to stop hurting or the nice doctor is going to say I have Fibromyalgia. I don't think that would be a good thing. He already asked if I had been dignosed with it, so let's not go there, okay?

draggar
04-27-2008, 04:36 PM
Deal Lacuna Coil,

Get rid of Andrea Ferro, or at least make him stop singing. He sucks and he tries to push himself too much. He's bringing the band down. He's trying to be gothic while the rest of the band is trying to go punk. His scratchy voice that he pushes too far (dude, you're a tenor, don't try to sing the higher end of alto, it won't work).

Keep Christina Scabbia, make her the main vocal. She rocks. Don't be afraid of having a female frontman, it does work and would work with your band.

Lace Neil Singer
04-27-2008, 08:06 PM
Dear stupid customers,

Read this; I am saying it slowly so you will understand; THERE. IS. NO. PETROL. SHORTAGE. Did you get that? We are not Scotland. So there is no need for you to all charge into the petrol station and fill your tanks to bursting, along with petrol cans galore. But if you do insist on being idiots over this, then petrol rationing will happen; just like last time. And then us sensible people suffer, just cuz you're moronic enough to believe everything the Daily Mail says.

LNS.

the_std
04-27-2008, 08:56 PM
Dear Antonio Banderas,

I watched "Take The Lead" for the first time last night. I know I swore up and down that I will never, ever have children, EVER!, but...

CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?!!

Swooning,
Me

CaroPhoenix
04-27-2008, 09:20 PM
Dear L,

Thank you for coming into work 10 minutes before I had to leave! I only had to deal with you for those 10 minutes and at least 2 different customers noticed you don't like me. That's bad.

No likey,
IDaR

----------------------------------------------
Dear C,

Hubs says I can start dating you so you can take me out places. :D (Though, I think he was joking).

However, you rawk. You're intelligent and I think you're awesome for thinking I actually have knees. :p

Much likey,
IDaR

Bella_Vixen
04-28-2008, 02:48 AM
Dear left ear--

You suck.

Long and hard.

--Me

Dark-Star
04-28-2008, 03:45 AM
Dear parents with a mild case of grandbaby-rabies:

Will you PLEASE knock it off with the references to getting married and starting a family? In case you haven't observed I am at the moment -

A. Unemployed and with no prospects
B. An emotional wreck barely capable of keeping myself from self-harm
C. In possession of hormones that have 'flatlined' due to constant discouragement and recent lack of use.
D. Frightened of being mugged by the legal system if my wife figures out that she can rob me blind in court at any time and for any reason and I will have little recourse.

In spite of all this you continue with the references and nudges that you think are clever and/or subtle (they're usually not). And I thought it was bad seeing every other guy I know get a girlfriend or get married - like the 2 guys who are getting married THIS MONTH.

I don't care how much you want grandkids or how much you think marrying me off would be beneficial to me and whoever I wedded. I am in no shape to so much as land a Friday night date to McDonald's, never mind find a lifemate. And BTW, my church elder father, would you kindly remember that verse in the Bible about a man who doesn't provide for his family - the one that says he is 'worse than an unbeliever'??? Remember that? I'm still stuck in the basement b/c of a lousy job market and lousier luck. I can't' even pay for my own life for a month, never mind support someone else.

I humbly ask that until I have the following you cease and desist from any references to a change in my marital state, to wit---a stable job, an apartment I am able to rent and furnish at my own expense, and a decent used car. You and dad had all those before you met, so all I ask is that at the minimum. Then you may resume the bingos and winks and nudges in full force.

Your respectful but frustrated son,

**********

Amethyst Hunter
04-28-2008, 05:40 AM
Dear Assholes,

FUCK YOU.

Just FUCK YOU.
You give my goddamned brother a free pass on everything, but because I have mental and sensitivity and health issues, some of which YOU GAVE ME AND NEVER BOTHERED TO FUCKING HELP ME WITH, *I'M* the fucking problem?!?!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!! :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

monolayth
04-28-2008, 06:55 AM
Dear friends,

I love you. I really do. That is why I invited you over. We played games had cake it was fun. SO go home. Its ten till 2. Seriously go! I made it very clear that it was the approprate time to go.

I said its time that they needed to leave because I was getting tired and needed to workt he next day.

Two of you understood and left. Two of you are still on my sofa. Granted I don't mind S very much. She is my best friend. But D LEAVE! yes you are S's good friend. But you are not mine. You two arrived sepreatly. You have no reason to stay. so shoo.

D you had better leave before i shoo you out the door with a broom.

signed, the tired hostess

Tanasi
04-28-2008, 09:02 PM
Dear Customer,
From the looks of your blue prints the new look should really help your business. With the lobby work now being done I don't know how you're managing with guests as we all know they can be quite a pain. Now on to business, your file server crashed Friday because it was full of concrete dust, there was even dust on your so called backups. It's common sense that tells you to cover electronic equipment with plastic, old worn out thread bare sheets aren't good enough because the dust just passes on through. Three of us spent the biggest part of Saturday rebuilding that server and we all had other plans. BTW the server room will have to be cleaned and blowing it out won't work. The dust will have to be wiped up with damp cloths anything else will just move it around and continue the problem. No cleaning your server room isn't part of our contract. If it goes down again in 2 weeks because of the concrete dust maybe having to hand write the month's entire payable checks and manually write each and every paycheck will teach you a lesson. I doubt it.

T

Dear Cow-irker,
You drive too dang fast. It's a mini-van it wasn't designed to leave the ground ever!!! When one or more of the tires do leave the ground I will yell. So you're in a hurry to get back to the office, I don't much care because with the way you're driving we won't make it back. Slow the F down. I'm not afraid to die but I don't want to die today with you in a mini-van.

T

Kusanagi
04-28-2008, 09:16 PM
Dear monday - HURRY UP AND END ALREADY

Trayol
04-28-2008, 10:01 PM
Dear Body,

Why must you hate me? Don't think I won't go to war with you. Just ask Brain.

A pre-emptive feeling Trayol

monolayth
04-28-2008, 10:41 PM
Dear lungs,

Please be nice and work correctly. I dont like this feeling. I promise to be nice to you!

Love the one you are making wheeze

blas
04-29-2008, 12:08 AM
Dear car,

I need you back. Please don't have anything else wrong with you. I've been down this road before. I thought it was just a Ford thing, but now I stand corrected. Seriously, once I'm done paying you off, you do this to me one more time and you'll find yourself at a junkyard being groped day in and day out for parts.

Rawr

Blas

monolayth
04-29-2008, 03:18 AM
Dear self,

It was only two inches, Quit freaking out. It will grow back and be healthy. It did not take that long to get it that long. next year you will be sitting on it. you had split ends. Again quit freaking out!

Love, yourself.

crazylegs
04-29-2008, 07:48 PM
Dear CC

Please work out in your mind what you want us to do. If you want us to do roufty tufty stuff then give us the kit do to it, if you don't, don't give us the training and not the kit.

Yours confused

Crazylegs

Kusanagi
04-29-2008, 09:52 PM
Dear Blood Test:

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING UP NEGATIVE FOR INDICATORS OF THE C WORD SO NO MORE INVASIVE PROCEDURES WILL BE NEEDED AT THIS TIME.

Dear Emergency Room:

That endoscopy sucked the second time I went in vomiting blood. I would prefer to not have to do that again, although thankfully you determined the blood was coming from a tear in my esoghagus. Now you want to do some more blood work and will have results on Thursday or Friday. I can wait.

Dear Specialist:

Thank you for outlining the four or five causes as to what makes an esoghagus bleed, and explaining why you gave me the endoscopy. I did not know that bleeding in the upper tract could indicate a condition that might be fatal, so now I know why you were all panicking and rushing me into prep so soon.

Dear Liver:

Please don't be the problem. If you are, I don't want to have to get transplant surgery to replace you.

From the pan into the fire
Kusanagi

Bella_Vixen
04-30-2008, 04:19 AM
Dear JG--

WTF is your issue??

Why do you think it's OK for you to ask me all kinds of questions like that?

Why do you think I'll answer you, when you won't answer me?

Anything that has to do with my life that doesn't involve you, guess what?? IT DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU! It's none of your business!

You want the answers? Answer my questions, too.

BTW, I couldn't care less if I never saw you again.

--An extremely pissed off me.

Evil Queen
04-30-2008, 04:54 AM
Dear Ex,

....LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU :censored: :censored: :censored:!! Stay the :censored: outta my life and don't you :censored: dare :censored: contact me again you :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored:!

I was so much happier and my blood pressure so much lower BEFORE you IMed me, you jerk!

Rot in Hell,
-EQ

tropicsgoddess
04-30-2008, 01:41 PM
Dear Economic Situation,

You suck. It's bad enough that it's hard for anybody to get work, hell it's worse to try and get a second job which I need because I have stuff that I need to pay off but would have a hard time doing or can't since most of the money I earn from a $9/hr job goes towards food and the bills because the cost of living down here is getting pretty damn expensive, even with two other people living with me that don't make much money either. I probably won't be able to get a house down here because again, it's so frickin expensive down here in South Florida. As much as you suck, you've motivated me at the ripe age of 24 after all these years to stop fucking around and get my shit together. I will go back to school, I will do whatever it takes to make things better for me.


Tropicsgoddess

ShinyGreenApple
05-01-2008, 01:16 AM
Dear person who keeps sending me IMs under various usernames containing the word "Salmon".

You are an idiot and you do not amuse me. Please grow up, grow a set, and get a life. Preferably one that doesn't involve you telling me 'i liek lots of things and cheerleading and mabye more!' or 'Your computer will explode in 20 seconds'.

No love,

LB a.k.a. BarbossaSnape.

RetailWorkhorse
05-01-2008, 04:16 AM
Dear Hotel on the Stateline,

Please please PLEASE CALL ME FOR AN INTERVIEW.

It's not about making the money or the hours, I swear. I only need a part-timer to 1) supplement my income (so I can buy books, my own worse drug) and 2) I'm seriously jonesin' for the experience. If I go out Cross Country with 2.5 years of only RETAIL experience I am going to die a slow and painful and agonizing death from people who's never seen a kaleidoscope in their 60+ years on this planet (that makes 5 in the past 3 weeks).

So please, I'm a'beggin. I am on my knees and roasting a goat to whatever coconut will get me this job.

All my appreciation,
The Mel

RetailWorkhorse
05-01-2008, 04:29 AM
Dear Ex,

....LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU :censored: :censored: :censored:!! Stay the :censored: outta my life and don't you :censored: dare :censored: contact me again you :censored: :censored: :censored: :censored:!

I was so much happier and my blood pressure so much lower BEFORE you IMed me, you jerk!

Rot in Hell,
-EQ

*Coughs*

Dear EQ,

Does the name "Rhonda" ring a bell? Because that's the only reason why he AIMed you and Yes, I am verbally kicking his fanny. He made your BP go up so he's got to get a talking-to.

-Your Bro (who ISN'T in love with the Over-sized Blonde Bimbob),
Workhorse

Amethyst Hunter
05-01-2008, 05:42 AM
Dear [certain country] Government,

If you do what I'm suspecting and am *terrified* you're planning to do...YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE AND SUICIDAL.

And if, God forbid, the worst happens...all I have to say is that I *sincerely* hope you burn in the very Hell that you'd gleefully condemn us all to.

Me

ArenaBoy
05-01-2008, 06:04 AM
Dear me,

Enjoy the rest of the week. Crazy as the last few months have been for you, you fookin' deserve it.

Slytovhand
05-01-2008, 07:06 AM
Dear Amethyst Hunter,

I'm curious... please explain.


Dear ArenaBoy,

Go CHELSEA!! :p ....but not before Go SPURS...(but that'd be a waste of breath, really)

And well done on the win the other night


Slyt

Daisy
05-01-2008, 03:05 PM
Dear Boyfriend,

You are an idiot. I have been putting up with your shit for a year and a half - I could deal with it when it was just me. Now we have a newborn son, and I assure you, I will not tolerate your nonsense in his presence. I wish like hell I had the strength to kick your ass out and pray I never saw you again. Being with you may very well be the stupidest thing I have ever done, and now I'm stuck with your dumb ass forever because we have a child.

No Love,

Daisy

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Dear Newborn Son,

I love you very much. Know that you and I will be ok no matter what happens.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. Sleep. Please. Please?

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Dear Me,

Grow a pair and get your life in order. Damn it girl, you know better.

Love,

Me

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Oh almost forgot...

Dear Kusanagi,

Thank you for being my eye candy at a time when I think most men really suck.

Love,

Daisy

Daisy
05-01-2008, 03:48 PM
Thought of one more.


Dear David Cook,

I watch you every week on American Idol. When you sang Music of the Night, I had goosebumps for two days afterward. Please stop being so damn hot so that I can concentrate on other things.

Thanks,

Daisy

draftermatt
05-01-2008, 04:51 PM
Dear Big Boss,

Go away. Stop standing behind me while I'm on the phone, and then staying there when I go back to running CAD. I know it must be amazing watching me work since I'm fast and good (but not cheap) and did you notice how I pulled those papers you were reading away from you? That's because I've watched you read them 12 times now and I needed them for what I was doing.

I'm going to have to take my after lunch pee here rather soon, would you like to come in and hold it for me?

tacohuman
05-01-2008, 04:56 PM
Thought of one more.


Dear David Cook,

I watch you every week on American Idol. When you sang Music of the Night, I had goosebumps for two days afterward.

off topic, i loved his performance, too, but i was really hoping to see him perform "damned for all time" from jesus christ superstar.

back on topic:

dear job,

some days i like you, but most days i wonder if it was a mistake to ever take you. i'm sick all the time, and i can feel you sucking my soul away. if i could find another job that would compensate me as well without a college degree, i'd be all over it in a second.

love (or not),

me

draggar
05-01-2008, 05:14 PM
Dear Amethyst Hunter,

I'm curious... please explain.

From what it seems he/she is in the US (from what I've read in a few other posts) which means he/she may be suspecting something big. What? Who knows.

War with Iran? Some controversial offshore drilling? Electing someone they don't like?

Princess-Snake
05-01-2008, 05:29 PM
Dear Sis,
I don't know what argument you had with our parents, nor will I ask, but you are more than welcome to cool off at my place for a few hours. I do not mind this. However, please do not complain that I'm making too much noise pushing the coolers down the hallway and out the door for my medical delivery tomorrow. The coolers may be made of styrofoam, but they are still too big for me to carry, so unfortunately, pushing them is my only option. And you know this very well.
Another thing, you are more than welcome to borrow my calculator for your algebra-geometry-trigonometery-whatever math class you're taking, but please ask me first. That would have saved me a good twenty minutes of looking for it so I could pay my bills. And please do not bang on the keys of my calculator while shouting at your math homework, "Make sense, damn you, make sense!" Not only is this not going to make the answer magically appear out of thin air by the banana king of candy mountin, but it will most likely cause some potential harm to my calculator. Luckily, no harm was done this time, but please don't do it again.

Love,
Your big sis.

Saydrah
05-01-2008, 05:29 PM
Dear Democratic Party,

Karma's a bitch, ain't it? A few months ago we were all giggling about how the Republicans couldn't decide on a frontrunner, would never choose a nominee in time to get their general election groove on, and how they were tearing their own party apart. Look, I'm up there with the best of them when we start telling Republican jokes. I OWN the "No Republicans Allowed" panties. But can we get this over with, please? Howard Dean? Where are you on this one? Nancy Pelosi? Let's get a move on! We HAVE a nominee, quit playing charades!

-Young Democrat



Dear World,

Today is blogging against disabilism day. Please take a minute to read one of the blogs on this list: http://blobolobolob.blogspot.com/

Discrimination against those with disabilities is a huge problem in the world today, even in otherwise inclusive areas. Just last week I read about a mother who hung herself and killed her severely disabled son. Earlier this year, a young man with disabilities was beaten to death by teenage thugs who later referred to him as a "muppet" and expressed no remorse for joking and laughing as they beat him to death. The young man who was murdered spent his last moments telling his attackers he was their friend. Don't enable a disabilist- speak out whenever and wherever you see or hear discrimination.

-Sayds


Dear Algernon,

Another abscess? Really? The vet visits are eating my paycheck, and I feel awful having to cause you pain to make you better! No more!

-Rat Mom



Dear Colorado,

IT'S MAY! QUIT FREAKING SNOWING!

-Cold and Wet


Dear Roommate,

Pay April's rent already. Jesus. You got a dollar raise this month and you are STILL always broke. You only pay 1/3 of the rent, and I pay 2/3. You better be planning to do some serious house cleaning and yard work to make up for this tardiness!

-Other Roommate

Evil Queen
05-01-2008, 05:47 PM
Dear Boyfriend,

I know you're going through a rough time right now but you do have to fly out to Iowa and you do have to attend the funeral. I know you suddenly don't want to but the tickets were purchased and your family has already picked you up.
Please remember that I love you and I'll have a nice clean house and a hot meal ready for you when you return on Monday.
I miss you too and I know you said you didn't want him but are you sure you don't want to take my teddy bear with you?

Love you,
-Me


Dear Continental Airplanes,
Please don't crash and please don't get rerouted to some other airport in the middle of Nowhere Iowa. He's going to Middle of Nowhere West Iowa and I don't need him going to Middle of Nowhere East Iowa.
-EQ

Shangri-laschild
05-02-2008, 12:29 PM
Dear self,

I know I went to see Iron Man at 1115(pm) and didn't get home and into bed till 2, when I work at 7. That and the conversation I had after the movie were completely worth it. That being said, I promise to mainline caffene today and get decent sleep this weekend if you please just promise to stay awake.

Still psyched about the movie,
Me

blas
05-02-2008, 01:50 PM
Dear Vehicles of all Kinds,

Please let us know next time you guys plan on breaking down and costing us hundreds or thousands of dollars.

Blas

morgana
05-02-2008, 05:38 PM
Dear Idiot on the Front Porch,

You do know, don't you, that it's three-*&$%ing-eighteen in the morning? I get up at six. Yeah, I ain't happy, what's your point?

You do know, don't you, that I'm not buying *any* of your story about wanting to talk to "the red-haired lady who was scooping the sidewalks earlier this afternoon"? The fact that there has been nothing on the sidewalks to scoop for at least two months is just the smallest of the reasons I ain't buying your tale.

You do know, don't you, that the object in my right hand is an ax? You must; you sure discovered in a hurry that you were "at the wrong house". Duh, ya think?

I sure hope you do know all those things. 'Cause if you show up at three-*&%$ing-eighteen tomorrow morning, I'm just gonna open the door and *use* the ax. No questions asked.

A pissed-off, tired, cranky
Morgana

iradney
05-02-2008, 06:30 PM
Dear Robert Downey Jr

ROWR!!!

love
rads (who just got home from watching Iron Man)

Melxb
05-02-2008, 09:12 PM
Dear Work,
Please lighten up a bit. I know that it's the busy season and that I'll be working massive overtime for the next two months, but I'm getting really stressed. Can you just make yourself easier? Thanks.

M

Dear Self,
STOP EATING CINNAMON ROLLS! Seriously, they are the reason that you've gained 15lbs since New Years. Get off your increasingly fat butt and go jogging or work out or do something. You're getting TOO FAT.

M

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-03-2008, 12:09 AM
Dear Ned Yost:

Fuck you very much for keeping Yovanni Gallardo in the game yesterday to pitch on a torn ACL, which will keep him out for the rest of the season.

Thanks to your idiocy, the Brewers are now one inevitable Ben Sheets injury away from (shudder) Jeff Weaver in the starting rotation.

Playoffs go bye-bye. Hopefully you do too.

PO'd Brewers Fan

Evil Queen
05-03-2008, 12:54 AM
Dear Boyfriend,

I miss you! :cry: I had a crappy morning and I wish I could just hide under my blankets with my teddy bear and read until I die of starvation.

More dramatic then intended,
-Me


Dear Co-irker whom made the schedule for the next two weeks,

Burn in hell.

-EQ

RetailWorkhorse
05-03-2008, 02:37 AM
Dear Employees Only Parking sign I ran over this morning at work,

.................oops?

-Me


Dear Shoes That I Wore And Couldn't Feel The GAS/BREAK Pedals In,

You're going back in the closet and I'm wearing my sneakers.

-Me


Dear Sneakers,

I LOVE YOU.

-Me

Dear Claudia-Jeep,

I'm so sorry, love! When I get the cash I'll take you to JB and have them fix you up good and proper. Please don't hate me.

-Me

Dear Boss-Man,

Okay, I get it, stop calling me Eval Keneval! I'll kick you again! And thanks for not screaming at me (you cracking all the jokes are punishment enough).

-The Brat

Dear Evil Queen,

Tell Mom and Dad and you're a dead woman.

-Your Bro
PS PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE SEND ME A TEDDY BEAR BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND MY NARUTO PLUSHIE AND I NEED SOMETHING TO SQUEEZE WHILE I RECOVER. ACK!

Evil Queen
05-03-2008, 02:47 AM
Dear Evil Queen,

Tell Mom and Dad and you're a dead woman.

-Your Bro
PS PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE SEND ME A TEDDY BEAR BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND MY NARUTO PLUSHIE AND I NEED SOMETHING TO SQUEEZE WHILE I RECOVER. ACK!

Dear RetailWorkhorse,
Gee, what's to tell? You didn't get in trouble with your boss over it and it did (I'm assuming) no damage to the jeep, right? So there's nothing to tell.
-EQ
PS: Try storage, I think I left a couple teddy bears in there. If not I'll see what I can find and send you one later.

RetailWorkhorse
05-03-2008, 02:58 AM
Dear EQ,

It did very little damage to the bumper, actually. Kinda glad it was loose when I got it....

I found my Naru-plushie so I'm fine. Granted, Naru looks a bit mangled now....I really to get a Sasu-plushie..........

-Your Bro

Becks
05-03-2008, 03:37 AM
Dear me,

Yeah, you told bossman that next time he wants to give you two days off, but one is on Sunday to just give you the one (non-Sunday) day off. He listened, and you have it. Deal with not having a nap on Tuesday and think of the extra money.

See the last five words of that last sentence? Keep that in mind because you also talked him into letting you come in an hour early tomorrow so you'll be there a total of 12 instead of 11 hours.


Sleep is overratedly,

Me

the_std
05-03-2008, 05:58 AM
Dear ArenaBoy,

Neener neener.

Me

ArenaBoy
05-03-2008, 06:00 AM
Dear The_STD,

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! :wave:

Princess-Snake
05-03-2008, 02:42 PM
Dear Stomach,
I know you are upset right now, but please, no more of this upchucking business, alright? It burns my throat, tastes nasty, and leaves you hurting more than ever. So let's not go through that again today.

Love,
Your food provider. (and don't you forget it)

Dear IV line,
What did I tell you in my last letter to you? You had better not be infected. There are plenty of alcohol vats around here somewhere.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Thermometer,
What in the hell is wrong with you? I'm shaking, I've got a headache, I just threw up my rice krispies. And, let me remind you that just moments before I lost my breakfast, I was relaxing in a steaming hot bath. Yet, you claim my temperature is 98.3! Do you not see a problem here? One of us is wrong and it's not me.

Frusterated,
Me

Dear IV bacteria/virus/fungus,
Fuck you with something hard and sand-papery! Betch!

Angrily,
Your relunctant host

Dear Blood sample,
What the hell did you have to clot for?! How am I supposed to know what's wrong with me if they can't test you?! Now I have to draw you all over again tomorrow! It's too late now, I'm on my IV. Damn you!

Irritated,
Me

Evil Queen
05-03-2008, 06:36 PM
Dear C,

If you don't leave my friend alone, there will be legal consequences. And I'll be there to give him the moral support that he needs to finally get your fat ass out of his life. I'm a mean one, but the cruel thing is I do it legally. Whereas you can't do more then threaten. I am sick of your little games and I will end them. And, when you are finally burning in the nth dimension of hell, I will be there with Satan himself. Laughing at you.

I hope your shallow, sheltered, pathetic life is worth the hell you put my friend though. Because Karma's a bitch and so am I.

-EQ

ShinyGreenApple
05-04-2008, 12:28 AM
Dear Department of Corrections,

Even though you decided not to hire me, I have to thank you for one of the most pleasantly efficient interview processes I have ever been through. You gave me three days' notice for my interview instead of calling a day or mere hours ahead, like some have done to me before. I also appreciate the fact that you let me know in no less than 24 hours what your decision was, and not stringing me along on false hope when you had no intentions of hiring me, again, like some have done. Thanks for having a no-nonsense system and not beating around the bush. Maybe we'll meet again someday, and maybe we won't, but thanks nonetheless!

Dear Sawyer the baby horse,

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE!

blas
05-04-2008, 12:46 AM
Dear HIM,

Come to America more often!!!

ShinyGreenApple
05-04-2008, 02:40 AM
Dear Dad,

It's twenty till eleven at night. You are in a 2 acre pasture with NO flashlight, and I told you that horse won't let you near her. She's in mama bear mode right now. Why the hell are you traipsing around out there whistling at her and saying "Want an alfalfa cube? Here, here, here's some alfalfa, come on girl come on, come on, don't be that way, here's some alfalfa" over, and over, and over, and . . . ugh. She doesn't want the damn hay cubes. She is going to run you the fuck over.

karath
05-04-2008, 06:39 AM
Dear throat,

It's been over a week. The only way I can eat is if I take painkillers every four hours. The doctors say I just need to drink fluids, so why the hell are the 20 bottles of water I'm drinking a day not doing anything!?

Sincerely,
Your host.

Dear Stephanies:

You love each other. I know you do, because I've been there for all the drama you had LAST semester, when you (quite unintentionally) cut the ol' heartstrings when you told me you were dating. I've lost track of how many times you've broken up. I can't talk to Steph1's family because of you guys now, now I'm Steph2's "boyfriend" because you won't come out of the closet (ok, with your folks I can't really blame you, but still!), AND the only way you two can talk to each other (because you can't find better ways of communication than texting me and having me text your soulmate)? God dammit, girls, I'm only human! I was not expecting to have this much damn drama before I got my first girlfriend! PLEASE, for the love of all that's good and holy, settle this situation before I go craz....erm. Do something we'll all regret. I want no part of this anymore.

Love,
Stephen.

p.s. - Steph2, you KNOW I don't like Matt. I know YOU don't like him that much. Keep his sorry ass away from me or I WILL break his face the next time we meet. Being around you guys is frustrating enough without all the gay jokes you insist on making when we're in the same area.

Dear calendar,

Why aren't you July 15th yet? You gave me Iron Man, we need The Dark Knight NOW! :angel:

Sincerely,
An impatient comic geek.

Dear Emmanuel,

Keep your fucking hands off of my sister or her violence-prone, black belt brothers will tear them off of you and shove them up your ass.

Love,
Protective Brother.

Andara Bledin
05-04-2008, 10:31 AM
Dear Daisy,

Just because you have a child with a guy does not mean you're stuck with him.

Please, for the sake of the kid, if ends up not working out, don't stay with the guy. And don't stay with the guy for the sake of the kid, because unless you're both incredibly mature, it can't possibly work out, and trapping the kid in the middle of all that is just not right.

Wishing You Well,

Andara

***

Dear Retailworkhorse,

Sasuke is a whiny, self-involved twit. :p

Love,

a Shikamaru fan

p.s. he's not very cute, either. :p

***

Dear Karath,

You do see the amusement value in the fact that two girls named Stephanie are using a guy named Stephen as their go-between, right?

Amusedly,

Andara

***

Dear Other New Neighbors,

I don't know you yet as they haven't finished fixing up the apartment, yet, after the neighbors moved out (when did that happen?), but please see my last letter to the other new neighbors I haven't met yet on the other side.

With Anticipation,

Andara

***

^-.-^

PuckishOne
05-04-2008, 06:19 PM
Speaking of neighbors...

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

I'll cut to the chase here: HOW do two smallish people manage to make so much bloody noise and WHY does it never seem to end? In the year since you arrived, I swear I've heard power tools at 2am, generalized stomping pretty much all the time, and the occasional example-laden lecture on Why Bowling Balls Don't Bounce. Do you wear wooden platform shoes at all times indoors? Are you training for the Olympic exhibition of power jump-roping? Or are you merely inconsiderate assholes who don't give a rat's ass about the people below you? Personally, I'm leaning towards Door #3.

(Oh and, no, sleeping with the pillows over my head doesn't help. I've tried it.)

If Mr Puck didn't stop me I'd be banging on our ceiling with a hockey stick from time to time in the hopes of shutting you the hell up. You don't answer your door, so the face-to-face treatment won't work, clearly. Hell, the fire alarm went off and you peeked through the blinds but didn't come out. What are you doing in there, anyhow?

Let's make this deal, mmkay? I won't call the cops on you for being suspected criminals if you'll learn that socks and area rugs are your friends. Is that too much to ask?

- Puck

iradney
05-04-2008, 06:24 PM
Dear Work IT Guy

It's been over a week now since the office move, and the mail is buggered. I have literally been able to access my mail TWICE this whole week. Twice. Even the GM has sent out an email about how crappy and unreliable it is. Please sort it out. I need to access my mail so I can see WHEN my bloody flight is TOMORROW MORNING.

ARGH
rads

CaroPhoenix
05-04-2008, 07:31 PM
Dear Hubs,

You know I'm not feeling well. I think I have caught yours and Kelly's cold. I also have hurty shins. My knees are killing me (and it's not even winter! :cry: Why!? Why!!!???) I took a 2 hour nap. I could have slept for the rest of the day. I feel that wiped out. Why do you expect me to me nice and compassionate for you when you're sick, but I get bumpkiss from you?

Sick, sick, sick,
Your Wife

----------------------------------------------

Child,

Just because you run around the house nekkid, doesn't mean I'm giving you a bath. Knock it off right now! I'm not amused you decided to have a full-blown temper tantrum right behind me, on the same chair I'm sitting on and you kicked me in the back for a steady 1-2 minutes.

RAWR,
Your Mother

RetailWorkhorse
05-04-2008, 11:45 PM
Dear Retailworkhorse,

Sasuke is a whiny, self-involved twit. :p

Love,

a Shikamaru fan

p.s. he's not very cute, either. :p


Dear Andara,

You forgot Emo-bitch-boy. But the dynamic between him and Naru is pretty good.

With Pervertedness,

A Jiraiya Fanboy (I need a plushie of Ero Sannin, too!)

Andara Bledin
05-05-2008, 03:12 AM
Dear RetailWorkhorse,

Oh, yeah, Jiraiya rocks. I have a Jiraiya wallpaper I use sometimes.

A Fellow Jiraiya Fan

p.s. a Jiraiya plushie would be a must-have

^-.-^

monolayth
05-05-2008, 05:03 PM
Dear training,

Please be over soon!

Bored, monolayth

Evil Queen
05-05-2008, 05:33 PM
Dear Mailbox Key,

Where the hack are you?! Because you ran away, I haven't been able to check the mail for a week! Come back!

Wants the mail,
-EQ


Dear BF,

I still miss you and have no idea when your plane is supposed to come in today. Please still be all right!

Yours,
-EQ

protege
05-05-2008, 05:50 PM
Dear Sally,

What the hell are you on? Seriously, lay off the catnip. Oh, and leave my car magazines alone. I wasn't exactly thrilled to find my just-purchased issue of Classic & Sportscar torn to shreds last night. While we're at it, did you really have to chase Baxter all over the house...and then start crying when he smacked you? I told you he wasn't going to be happy if you took his toy away. Even so, why the hell did you claw up my arm? I was trying to be nice, and wanted to comfort you. You're still a bit nervous about being "home," which I understand. You two had been in the shelter far too long, and yes, I love you both. Settle down, OK?

--Pro

Der Cute
05-06-2008, 03:54 AM
Dear Belly Flub:

Please melt. Quickly. I'm trying to have less butt time and more foot time, but I don't think you're hearing me. I want you to disappear. Like soon. I garden. Lawn work. Pick up PC's and haul them around. My upper body strength is great. So can the flub just like....leave?

But, thank you, Buns, for firming up.

Cutenoob

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-06-2008, 04:03 AM
Dear Eric Gagne:

You stink. You suck. Blowing 5 out of 14 saves is not good.

At least you were something before the Mitchell Report. :no:

Gag Me With A Spoon,
Irv

ArenaBoy
05-06-2008, 05:52 AM
Dear Slytovhand,

Spurs, *SNORT, SNICKER* Just be glad I'm not an Arsenal fan.

Misanthropical
05-06-2008, 01:41 PM
Dear coworkers,

I don't have a cold! I have really bad allergies, so stop asking me if I have a cold or telling me I sound terrible. I am tired of telling you all that I have ALLERGIES! GRRR!


Dear other coworker,

What is up with having the Satanic Bible on your desk? I don't care one way or the other, but in case you haven't noticed, most of the people who work here are very religious and easily offended. I know you are a nice person and would hate to see you get fired over it.


Dear sort of coworker,

The day people and the night people share desks. You see the day guy where I sit try to hurry to leave, so I can sit down and get to work. You also see how he made room so I could put my stuff up on one side and leave some drawers empty so that I can leave my stuff. You see how that works? He had his side and I have mine. Look around, you will see that all over the call floor.

So your passive aggressiveness is getting on my nerves. My friend sits at that desk at night and you move like a snail on valium. I swear if you moved any slower you would be going backwards! You make her late logging on and you do it on purpose.

You have your stuff all over both sides of the desk, you take up all the drawers and ask her snide questions like "How come they put you HERE! They have so many other desks?!?" She is too nice of person to say anything to you or to go to a supervisor and make you share. I'm not! One more little thing and I will speak to our supervisor, got it, bitch?


Dear little guy,

I love you more than life itself, but you are driving me nuts! Your father and I bought you a very nice set of glasses, that the nice eye doctor told you that you had to wear at all times, since your eyes have changed so much since your last visit.

So, for the love of all that is holy leave them on! I should not have to check every time you walk by that you are wearing them.

I just know this is my grandmother's revenge from beyond the grave, since she was always on me to wear mine and I would take them off and lose them. It's a good thing she had a good paying job or she would have gone broke always replacing my glasses. :o

Oh yeah, thank you for finally deciding to wear your pj's when you get undressed. I was tired of telling you to put something on and stop running around in your underwear.


Dear children,

Do you really have to say "EWWW!" every time you see your dad and I kissing or giving each other a hug? If we never got close to each other you wouldn't be here.

I know it's weird to have parents who still love each other and are together, since all your friend's parents are divorced and dating other people, but you should be use to your father and I being affectionate to each other, since, you know, you LIVE HERE.

You should only be worried if you see us not being affectionate towards each other.


Dear big guy,

Stop calling me "Short Fry" just because you are so much taller than me. I mean it! GRR! :p

Becks
05-06-2008, 02:44 PM
Dear body,

9 days and counting? :wtf:

See my last post in Workday Phrases of Lore and Legend.

Not amused,

Me

Evil Queen
05-06-2008, 07:00 PM
Dear Misanthropical's co-worker with teh Satanic Bible on her desk,

Can I have a copy?!

-Love EQ

draggar
05-06-2008, 10:08 PM
Dear neighbors who keep dumping their garbage outside,

I just called the humane society on you. You are leaving your poor dog out on a patio all day with little to no shade. I do not know if it has a dog house but it is still extremely irresponsible for you to leave the poor dog outside all day. My weather station says that today's high was 95.54 degrees and that was about an hour ago. It is currently one degree cooler. It can easily get into the 100's in the next week or two.

Sadly, if your dog is confiscated I think it would be put down. One, because it is a pit bill (not an aggressive one at all) and pit bulls that are brought in are usually euthanized but I think this would be more humane than leaving it outside to fend for itself in the hot south Florida sun all day.

Obviously you do not care about anyone but yourselves. You've cursed out people for asking to to not dump your garbage wherever you want to, you never clean up after the dog and you let it run loose in the neighborhood. You better hope I am not walking Kiri one day when your dog is loose, I know your dog will run up to me and Kiri WILL defend us and kick your dog's ass (and then I will quickly call the police).

Your irresponsibility amazes me. I am glad you two are lesbians, it just makes the odds of not having any children that much higher. If you treat your own dog and community like this I'd hate to see how you'd treat your own child.

blas
05-07-2008, 01:13 AM
Dear bf:

I understand there's a huge difference between us. I am not afraid to let people know when I'm bored, angry, sad, etc, and you tend to slump in a corner and say "I'm fine", and you'll always deny being mad or bored or disappointed. This is probably why you said you'd fix my car. You didn't want to say no. You're pretending that you have time for it. You're pretending that you want to do it. Just give it up....it'll make it easier for me to get my car back from you. Just be honest with me for once. I don't care if you don't want to do it....I want my car back and that's that.

Evil Queen
05-07-2008, 01:25 AM
Dear Guests that have yet to Arrive,

Please, please,please,please,please,please,please have the rest of you come in on the next guy's shift!! I'm tired, I wanna go home and I can't stand any more of this Convention shit! I don't wanna walk any more people! I promise, if ONE of you cancel your room, I won't charge you! I promise! Just, please, let me go home!

With two and a half hours to go,
-EQ

RetailWorkhorse
05-07-2008, 03:05 AM
Dear children,

Do you really have to say "EWWW!" every time you see your dad and I kissing or giving each other a hug? If we never got close to each other you wouldn't be here.

Dear Misanthropical,

They will do it until they reach the age where it's no longer gross.

I'm 21 and it's still gross. :p

-A 6 year old who's legally able to buy alcohol.

Shangri-laschild
05-07-2008, 01:11 PM
Dear sister,

What the hell were you thinking? Mom and Dad said if you wanted to stay at home, you were welcome to. They were also very clear about how your boy was not welcome to stay here. You were informed of this from the start. Waking up to find out that by pure luck, I was not the one to discover him sleeing on the couch was not amusing. Especially since I would have discovered him while I was only wearing a towel. I'm somewhat of a morning person, but you're pushing it. Again, you are really lucky Dad just happened to be getting up before me for once. You're quickly burning all your bridges and if Mom and Dad are to the point of wanting to change the locks on you, you're really screwing up more than you thought.

Your sister
PS If you ever have your boyfriend pick a fight with me again, especially after I just got done doing you a big favor, we will have a serious issue on our hands.



Dear computer,

It is way too early for this beeping shit. Please stop

Not amused,
Me


Dear morning,

Thank you for not actually being all that bad

Misanthropical
05-07-2008, 01:34 PM
Dear Misanthropical's co-worker with teh Satanic Bible on her desk,

Can I have a copy?!

-Love EQ

I think it's his only copy, so he wouldn't be willing to part with it. I have never asked him about it, since I don't care what people read. I did use his Japanese dictionary to tell another coworker to shut up, though. :)

Evil Queen
05-07-2008, 05:16 PM
I think it's his only copy, so he wouldn't be willing to part with it. I have never asked him about it, since I don't care what people read. I did use his Japanese dictionary to tell another coworker to shut up, though. :)

I see most religions as works of fiction so I see the satanic bible as a possibly amusing fantasy book. I would love a copy (because three years of Bible Training was "good for me" *gagmewitharustyspoon*).

Maybe I can find one online? :D

the_std
05-07-2008, 10:42 PM
Dear Chest 'n Stuff,

Please don't make me feel like I'm having a heart attack while I'm trying to sleep. Repeated convulsions right in the centre of my chest and a lump in my throat are not cool. I was just about to pack it in and go to the hospital when mom convinced me to take some Gaviscon. It worked and made you go away. Therefore I hope that you're related to this hernia in my esophagus, because, if not, I shall be very upset.

Tired and sore,
Me

Daisy
05-08-2008, 12:24 AM
Dear freaky winged insect on my front door,

You are a moth. Moths do not have creepy talon-y spider legs that look like claws. You do. This fucking scares me. Go back to hell, devil-moth.

Daisy

draggar
05-08-2008, 12:31 AM
Dear Daisy's moth:

Meet my shoe. :)

-Draggar

RetailWorkhorse
05-08-2008, 03:40 AM
Dear Daisy,

Grab a picture of that demon-moth, quick! Oh, it's gone you say? Draggar introduced it to his shoe? Oh, darn. Ah, well.

-RetailWorkhorse

Dear Rain,

I gotta job-hunt tomorrow, please hold off until next Monday. Dad kinda needs to do some Yard Selling and I'd really like to go to the gem show this weekend.

-about to locate a goat to sacrifice,

RetailWorkhorse

Jester
05-08-2008, 04:22 AM
Dear Cupid.com,

Thanks for talking such a good game. But your delivery needs a little work.

Yeah, your ads talk about how we'll meet this person or that person.

But what do you deliver to my email? The same five women you delivered last month, and the month before, and the month before.

Two of which I have no interest in.
One of which looks like the poster child for Crack Whores R Us.
One of which I emailed a while back, and never heard from again.
And of course, the one that cracks me up, one that I dated years ago and vowed never to date again because SHE IS CRAZY!

Thanks, Cupid.com.

Now blow it out your sanctimonious ass.

Jester

iradney
05-08-2008, 06:33 AM
Dear Boss

Please stop being such a nice guy, and good looking to boot. And those jeans you wear? They make your butt look hot. Stop it. It's not like me to have a crush on my boss but... :love: you make it hard not to. Please become an asshat so I may hate you. Or at least, not have a crush on you!

rads

crazylegs
05-08-2008, 09:36 AM
Dear assorted collegues.

I had such a wonderful time last night.

I absolutely enjoyed the beginning of the event where everyone was over an hour late, I always have nothing better to do with my time than sit in a pub garden for an hour or so waiting for your company.

I also enjoyed being left behind at the ticket gate as you'd pre bought tickets, you knew that
a) I had no ticket and
b) I hadn't been to the races before
so your gracious act of blazing through the 'ticket holders only' section and leaving me in your dust was beautifully executed. I always enjoy wandering around a race track I don't know looking for my friends who might be anywhere especially when I don't have your mobile no (you do however have mine and you could have rung...)

I throughly enjoyed your constant questions of 'are you not drinking?'. I will drink when I want to, how much I want to and whatever drink I want, however if you constantly badger me into drinking I most certainly will not.

I then enjoyed standing around for four hours while getting hotter and more irritable as we dithered as to when we shall eat. I hadn't eaten for a significant time and can think of no better way to spend my day than to stand on a grandstand in the cold wind getting more hungry by the minute.

I feel I must also thank you for the wonderful way you all included me in the conversation at the pub we ended up at. Although I am tall I still can't hear what your saying if you're not looking at me so turning your collective back and huddling around a few select people meant I had no chance in getting involved in the conversation.

I also really appreciated it when the smokers tilted their heads up to blow their smoke away, I can think of nothing better than receiving a face full of second hand smoke.

Yours angrily

Crazylegs

Dear pubs in my town

GET MORE F@*KING CHAIRS

That is all

Crazylegs

the_std
05-08-2008, 05:47 PM
Dear Life,

ARGH!

That is all.

Saydrah
05-08-2008, 06:27 PM
Dear the_std,

I concur!

-sayds


Dear Mr. Country in Africa, State of Being From Britain,

YOU SUCK. Do NOT tell me you are ready to make a lifetime committment to an animal, get your vet boss to vouch for you, and then give the animal back a week later because you don't want to spend money on it or bother finding a way to shut your dog and cat away from the cage. I hope karma results in your children someday moving you in with them, and a week later deciding you are too much trouble and sending you to a nursing home.

And your boss sucks, too. Does nobody get the part where you LIED TO ME?

-Rat Lady


Dear Coworker Who Is Awesome,

You're becoming outstanding in your field! Multiple really prominent people have called/emailed for you lately. I am genuinely happy for you, because you are a good person and deserve it.

Thanks for the compliments the other day, too- I've been thinking about what you said, and it has helped me remember my own value during a difficult week. I notice that you have been trying in a few subtle ways to help me learn and develop new skills in the workplace without making it obvious that I'm in need of the help. Even though we are not much different in terms of the office hierarchy, I am coming to see you as something of a mentor.

Have fun on your vacation this weekend, and I hope that life continues to bring you good things!

-Thankful Coworker

Daisy
05-08-2008, 08:03 PM
Dear RetailWorkhorse,

Ask and you shall receive.

Behold the devil-moth.

Daisy

monolayth
05-09-2008, 12:14 AM
dear trainers,

Certify me alredy.....seriously.

Irritated trainee

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-09-2008, 12:18 AM
Dear Dave Bush (a starting pitcher for the Milwaukee Sewers--er, Brewers):

Help me pick out a nickname for you. Boom-boom or meatball?

Would like to see a Brewers World Series appearance before he croaks,
Irv

Dear Carlos Villenueva (another Brewers starting pitcher):

Your nickname is the one Dave Bush doesn't pick.

Irv

Dear Milwaukee Brewers hitters:

The way you're (not) hitting right now, you guys need Viagra just to get wood on the ball

Irv again.

Amethyst Hunter
05-09-2008, 02:29 AM
Dear Daisy's Devil Moth,

Please come eat the dumbass spiders that have decided my room makes a perfect squatting site. In return, I shall see to it that my cats do not do to you what they did to their feather toy.

Me

--

Dear Spring,

We officially hate your bloomin' ass. I miss winter already.

With hate, my Allergies

PuckishOne
05-09-2008, 02:38 AM
Dear Irving Patrick Freleigh,

Please, please, please oh please take that incredible sense of humor and writing skill you have and put it to better use someday than just writing for the amusement of losers like me. ;) "You guys need Viagra just to get wood on the ball" isn't even one of your best and it's farking hilarious. Truly, you have a talent there and I thank you for sharing it with us. Today was the kind of day that left me craving a good laugh, and you've provided it.

Having thoroughly embarrassed you now, I take my leave...neither a fangirl nor a stalker (just someone who knows when a compliment is due),

Puck

P.S. Cheer up!! You could be a Mariners fan!! :rolleyes:

ArenaBoy
05-09-2008, 06:56 AM
Dear Chelsea (A girl I'm friends with),

You're awesome. Even though you tend to do some incredibly stupid things that just make my mind boggle (And you will admit it) you're an amazing person. Thanks for being there for me when I was having a rough couple of months (August, September, and October) and for helping me when my car was having trouble. You're the definition of friend.

Also, thanks for making me realize not to take things so seriously. Hopefully, I get to see you again when things settle down for me.

Arenaboy.

PS. You haz craziness?

BarbieGirl
05-09-2008, 07:12 AM
Dear neck
All I did was a simple stretch and now I can't turn my head! You are being rather annoying, get better quick!

The rest of me.

Dear stupid stupid stupid stupid female 'drivers'

Driving 40 around curvy back roads in town is not so smart especially when you can't make the turn and proceed to practically fly into our parking lot. Although I did laugh when you bottomed out and the air bag in your car deployed, rendering your vehicle useless. The cops were as equally baffled as to why you thought it necessary to clear out your car and run up the road. When you borrow a friends car they tend to know your name and will proceed to give you up to the police. I have a feeling you may have lost a friend today. among other things..

Thanks for making my day interesting.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-09-2008, 09:42 AM
Dear Puck:

Thank you for the kind words. However, I would like the record to show that the Mariners have been to the playoffs much more recently than the Brewers have.

Irv, who watches too much baseball for his own good

daleduke17
05-09-2008, 10:27 AM
Dear Irv:

The Brewers might be better once they get rid of that dead weight in the bullpen with "Gagne" on the back of his jersey.

- Duke

Dear Boston Red Sox:

Never make another trade of idiotic porportions like last year. Receiving Gagne in trade for Gabbard and Murphy (and Engel Beltre) was one of the stupider things I've seen done. Gagne has a shoulder that has had problems while Gabbard had very nicely filled in for Curt Schilling during Curt's stint on the DL. Murphy is coming into his own and would have been helpful the last few weeks while just about everyone on the starting 25 was hurt or sick.

Please, don't do that again.

- Duke

Shangri-laschild
05-09-2008, 06:54 PM
Dear Crazy,

I really don't appreciate you telling my best friend you are going to tip over his motorcycle. I especially don't appreciate you telling him if he calls the police to get you removed from his house that you'll tell them he hit you (when he didn't). You realize that saying stuff like that to someone who is also a coworker is likely to get you in trouble at work or at least really carefully watched. By the way, your message to him about how you still love him and miss him and can't wait to see him at shift change tomorrow? Creeeeeeepy. I already didn't like you. The threats to make false claims of abuse didn't help. Stop screwing with my best friend who I am at times very protective of. It's over. Really.

Love,
The one who's still in his life despite all your efforts.

To any future girls,

I'd recommend not trying the 'her or me' approach. It won't work. I been around much longer and am basically part of the family. You're going to get disapointed. And I should warn you. He only gets amused when he gets to say "her". I'll stay out of your way and even try to be nice and friendly if you want. Just realize you don't trump me and no amount of putting out is going to change that.

Love,
The best friend who's not going anywhere

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-09-2008, 07:35 PM
Dear daleduke17:

Get rid of Gagne?

:spew: You so funny! The Brewers have already said he's going to continue to be the closer. Seems Doug Melvin and Ned Yost love them some Gagne, or at least they have to for the money they're paying him

He actually hasn't been much of a problem lately because he never gets a chance to come in and save a game anymore. Right now every Brewers pitcher not named Ben Sheets looks about as ridiculous on the mound as a guy with no hands trying to pleasure himself.

Irv

PS--Looking forward to that Brewers-Red Sox series coming up. I bet the Brewers get outscored 60 to 3 or something.

Evil Queen
05-09-2008, 09:54 PM
Dear Arriving Guests,

One? Just ONE arrival?! Come on poeple, you do NOT want me to be bored at work, do you?!

Need more customers,
-EQ

the_std
05-09-2008, 09:57 PM
Dear Friday,
If you had a physical body, I would love you long time! Thank you for being today! I am eternally grateful.

Mwah,
Me

Elspeth
05-09-2008, 10:17 PM
Dear Mariners:

What in the hell happened??!?!?!?!?!? And why are you people fighting. We can't be worse then the Rangers.

Your loyal fan how is very annoyed and wants Lou back as the manager

Dear Seahawks:

Please don't suck this year.

Your loyal fan who is wishing football season would get here

Dear Vacation

WOULD YOU GET HERE ALREADY!!!!!!! I can wait until till July to go to Comic Con and Vegas and Disneyland

Tired and wants to hurt her co-workers with her stupid stick

Dear Pollen:

Go away I don't like you

blas
05-09-2008, 10:42 PM
Dear ex bf,

After posting in the "why i don't like hot guys" thread, I'm now wondering if you have a new gf yet, and if you do, I'll bet my entire loan I just got that she's just like your last ex before me, and you're probably paying her way as well with rent and everything else under the sun. I hope you have a great life paying some girl's way, even though you can barely afford to keep yourself clothed and sheltered. But it's what you want and I have to respect that. You can be miserable and broke while I spend my life with someone who is willing to accept a girl who can pay her own way.

I still have no idea what happened between us. I never knew that love had an on/off switch like a light in the house. But whatever it was, it was totally your loss. Have fun filing for bankruptcy!

(not so much) love,
blas

monolayth
05-09-2008, 11:53 PM
Dear Bloodsugar,

Hey lets stay above 80 please! Last night when you made my body freak out it cause my friends to worry.

thanks, the person your screwing around with.

RetailWorkhorse
05-10-2008, 01:46 AM
Dear RetailWorkhorse,

Ask and you shall receive.

Behold the devil-moth.

Daisy

Dear Demon-Moth,

I have your siblings in a jar. Leave the Daisy-ness alone or the little black fuzzies gets it. :devil:

All my Luff~
RetailWorkhorse

draftermatt
05-10-2008, 01:50 AM
Dear Person that robbed the bank literally 500 ft from my door that had the police helicopter searching my neighborhood,

Damn it! I thought I was done with this when we moved from the dump town to this town, and this (upscaleish) neighborhood. That said, I really hope you are gone for good or caught, because if I see you sneaking around I will use that baseball bat (and I have 6 to choose from) and I've seen my dog when she gets violent, you wouldn't like it.

Hoping your caught and in jail,

Matt (i.e. the redneck in the midst of all the city folk)

Evil Queen
05-10-2008, 05:27 AM
Dear Suzuki,

Why do you need new shocks at nearly $70 a tire?! I don't have that kinda money! Do you realize that I can BUY a new car for the money I've poured into you?! Why do you have to be so difficult?! *sniffles* Why do you hate me?! Please don't make me spend my tax refund to fix you; I have to save money this year! PLEASE LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU!!

Your loving (but sad) owner,
-EQ

Slytovhand
05-10-2008, 10:09 AM
Dear Chelsea.

Go kick some butt this weekend!

Dear MU,

Go get your butt kicked this weekend :D


Dear Spurs,

Please try to resemble a good team for once :p


Dear me,

Try to stop writing letters to EPL teams that will never read them...


Dear Arenaboy,
Just make sure your guys end up on top...right?????


Slyt

Evil Queen
05-10-2008, 09:58 PM
Dear Guests,

This is very odd for me to come to work and have NO ARRIVALS! If you people continue to do this, I'm going to be out of a job!
Oh, and that SINGLE GUEST I was waiting on FOREVER never showed up on my shift, or the next guy's shift.
Please please please let me get a bunch of walk-ins today! The rate for tonight is only $95, it's not too much to ask, is it??

Fearing the lack of a job,
-EQ



Dear XXDarrienX,

More Monopoly Tycoon when I get home! I'm sooo going to beat the pants off you and X!

Becoming computer game addicted,
-EQ



Dear Creative Streak,

Please return to me so I can start writing fantasy again. I was wanting to have been on my final draft by now so I could get a novel published this winter. It's hard to be a novel writing when I haven't... you know... written a novel yet. Please help me get my skinny arse in gear and make me write.

Wanting to badly to belong,
-EQ

RetailWorkhorse
05-11-2008, 02:13 AM
Dear EQ,

So how's that prompt/rewrite for that blurb from so long ago going?

-Awaiting an email with writing-goodness,
RetailWorkhorse

CaroPhoenix
05-11-2008, 03:54 AM
Dear(NOT!) Sink & disposal and other stuff that are sink related,

Why did you have to break down 30 minutes before Mother's Day??? :cry: And Mother's Day is a SUNDAY. Do you think we can get a plumber out here that won't charge an arm and a leg? And it's technically an emergency as any time the dishwasher is run or the water from the faucet runs, water comes out of the disposal/pipes/stuff and waters the cabinet under the sink and my floor. :cry: F:censored: YOU! :mad:

Your owner,
IDaR
-----------------------------------------------
"Dearest" Husband,

When I tell you that I cannot stand, squat, bend at the knees, why do you not believe me? Especially when I do sit down, I start to cry because I have sciatica and it's really incredibly painful. F:censored: you too.

No lovey,
Your Wife

Becks
05-11-2008, 04:01 AM
Dear feet,

I know you hurt. The better part of 13 hours with only a bit of sitting down (half breaks and whatnot...). If I get a foot massage tonight before bed, will you be nice and not hurt tomorrow? I'll throw in Tuesday and Wednesday with a minimum of making use of you.

Love,

Me.

ArenaBoy
05-11-2008, 06:14 PM
Dear Slytovhand,

We tried. Sorry.

PS. If United had won on goal difference, it'd be fucking lame. What was the FA smoking when they came up with that idea?

MystyGlyttyr
05-11-2008, 07:31 PM
Dear CS.com'ers...

Next time I make a thread to whine about my female monthlies not showing up for four months, PLEASE smack me in the face with a shovel and tell me to shut my freaking mouth because OH MY GOD, I have half a bottle of Pamprin in me right now and I'm still doubled over in pain, my fat-pants don't fit, I'm weeping hysterically over WWE.com and I can't stop shoveling in bacon and KitKat bars like they're being outlawed tomorrow! I wish it would go away again for another four months! What the hell was I thinking, complaining about it??? ARGH!!!

Sincerely,
Mysty

Umingmaq
05-11-2008, 07:49 PM
Mysty,

Sing along now: "I enjoy being a girl!"

My sympathies. Between that sort of thing, childbirth, and other assorted indignities, women do seem to get the short end of the pain stick.

TruthHurts
05-11-2008, 08:32 PM
Dear Brain,

Scratching off the wrong number on a scratcher ticket is one thing. Convincing yourself that you won a hundred and fifty dollars when you didn't is another.


Pay better attention, damn you.

Love,

Me