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06-28-2008, 08:49 PM
Dear J,

You send me these sweet texts telling me I'm awesome or the best friend you've ever had or telling me how much something meant. The always make me smile and make me feel like everything will turn out just fine. But why do they always come between 1 and 4 am when I'm sleeping? Not comlaining, just amused and wondering.

p.s. Thank you for everything.

07-03-2008, 02:41 PM
Dear Tweeter,

Thank-you for showing up when you said you would. After Sears decided they didn't want to install my TV (which is a long story I'm sure no one wants to hear). I returned it and came to you.

Oh how good a decision that was. You mentioned things I never thought of. You kept me interested enough to not bother shopping around. You rock, and I hope that guy gets commission because I bought a lot.

And you said you'd come between 9 and 10, and you came at 10 (my wife would have preferred closer to 9 since she has to pick up her sister and nephew).

You're even installing the shelf I bought for our DirecTV box! I didn't want to till after you left so that it wouldn't be in your way.

Seriously, you guys have won all my electronic related business for the rest of my life. And there will be a lot more. 54"+ for the living room, and the basement eventually.

Dear Work Ethic,

It's the day before a holiday and I'm working on stuff?! Not putting it off till Monday? Where did this come from?

07-03-2008, 07:09 PM
Dear Hayfever

You used to be seasonal. Now you're not. Stop it and bugger off! If my eyes itch anymore, I'll remove my eyeballs and use my nailfile on them!!!

Itchily yours

07-04-2008, 12:00 PM
Dear school bullies. You probably thought you broke me. But look now- I'm still me, and I'm doing well, and I'm going to be earning well in a good job. Where are you?

Dear Julia:

I still miss you. It's been nearly a decade and still my heart hurts. Thankyou for making me strong, making me feel loved and helping me be unique. Thankyou (not sarcastically) for dying and showing me what real heartbreak was, so losing B didn't kill me. Thankyou for being you.

But couldn't you have told me that you were dying? I might have gone off the rails slightly less.

Love, for always, Ginger.

07-05-2008, 12:38 AM
Dear Jenna Fischer:

I love you. Marry me! :D


Dear Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer:

Stop it. Your movies suck ass through a crazy straw.


Dear guy who makes acoustic Sublime covers on YouTube:

You are Bradley Nowell reincarnated. Keep it up.

07-05-2008, 08:42 PM
Dear Becks--

Lá Breithe Sona dhuit.
Lá Breithe Sona dhuit.
Lá Breithe Sona. a homechicken.
Lá Breithe Sona dhuit.


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Dear Becks again--

Is it official?!?!?!?!


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Dear Jason at Verizon--

I love you! I was just teasing about making a fuss about my birthday to get a better deal.

I LOVE the phone!

Thanks for everything!


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Dear Mommy Sunshine--

Happy giving birth to us day!


07-06-2008, 03:15 AM
Dear Lizziebeff,

It won't be official until I send the check and/or actually get the address.

BTW, did you tell Monica?



PS--Thanks for the snazzy gifts!!!!!!!

07-06-2008, 04:56 AM
Dear Becks--

Send the check already before Mom does it for you. :Þ

And yes I did...was that wrong?

--Perplexed Me

07-06-2008, 11:56 AM
Dear Mom,

Thank you so much for informing me of the following tidbits:

I do not like Blue Cheese. (This after I told you that I tried some blue cheese at the Wegman's grand opening and I quite enjoyed it and was thinking about buying some to put on some crackers).

My daughter is not in fact autistic, but the RSV she had when she was 6 months old is the real cause for her to be socially inept and prone to screaming fits. (Please Mom, the doctors and her teachers agree the diagnosis is the correct one AND she fits the profile - STOP IT).

Getting an ulcer because of your "revelations" (and I'm sure more are to come),
Your Daughter,

07-06-2008, 02:35 PM
Dear Lizziebeff,

I can't send the check if I don't know who to make it out to and where to send it.

And it's OK. I'm just amazed how quickly the news is spreading between family on one hand and at work on the other.


07-07-2008, 03:45 PM
Dear 7-11 on my way to work,

Last week I had a hankering for a Rockstar Energy Drink, so I stopped at your store. You were out of the regular cans so I bought a Red Bull instead.

This morning I needed go go juice, and you were the cheapest ($3.96 ah!) so I stopped, and again went inside for caffeine goodness. Again you didn't have the regular cans, so this time I bought one of the "triple" cans with the funky top.

Dear god why?! I drank it slowly, and it's been 3 hours and I'm still twitchy. My left eye keeps blinking, and I can't type.


Dear Me,

Remember a year ago when you swore off energy drinks when that Monster gave you chest pain? Remember how you stayed away for a good while, then decided Red Bull would be ok? Remember how you switched to Rockstar because it tastes better? Remember how you're an idiot for getting rehooked on this shit?

07-07-2008, 03:47 PM
Dear Father.

You see that stuff on the windscreen as you drive along? Thats called 'water' and it falls as 'rain'. Instead of wearing out your finger pinging the single wipe every now and again PUT THE BLOODY WIPERS ON (and while we're about it some lights would be good too).

Yours, as always


07-07-2008, 07:33 PM
Dear KP,

I miss you, love you and will never stop doing either. I hope you're happy with your new girlfriend. I know I'm happy with my boyfriend.

But it doesn't mean that I won't always love you.

Love (even though I'll probably never talk to you again),

Dear Momma,

Thank you for raising me the way you did and teaching me that I didn't have to be what everyone else wanted. I'm much better off that way. Also, thanks for reminding me that it's okay it not everyone likes me. :p

your daughter

Dear kitty,

I love you and I'm glad we brought you home. However, must you choose 4 am as the time you just HAVE to play? We have to get up early and are trying to sleep :yawn:

your mommy and daddy

Dear B&D,

If we're moving in with you, please stop fighting. Thanks. :rolleyes:

your soon-to-be roommate

Dear MP,

You're a lying, cheating b*stard. You're a crook. You're a complete jerk and you drive away all your employees. You will get caught at some point and this will bite you in the butt. Just so you know.


Dear PME,

You know, not everything in the world is about you. Not everyone in the world likes you. In fact, I can name a number of people you call “friend” that can't stand your guts.

Not everything that happens is in some way related to you. Not everything that happens is in some way a sign of whatever your judgement of the situation is. You are a self absorbed, psycho a**hole and people, in general, don't tend to like you.

There's a reason you aren't getting laid and a reason you can't keep a girlfriend. They see through your bullshit real quick. Just because someone doesn't like you does not mean they are a jerk, an a**hole, a crook, a b*tch, a slut, a whore, or any of the other names you love to attach to people so much. People, in general, don't like to be stalked and, typically, when someone says to “leave them alone” it means, you know, stop calling, texting, talking to them or trying to get information on them in anyway.

Please go find a nice corner and die. Thanks. We'd really appreciate it.


07-08-2008, 04:52 PM
Dear Daughter,

Today is your birthday! (July 8). Happy Birthday to you! You're 5 years old and beautiful.

Wearing your party hat to playdate was cute :) And they all sang Happy Birthday to you afterwards.

I love you honey,
Your Mommy,

07-10-2008, 04:40 AM
Dear Fave Ex® --

I wish I could help you.

I wish you would come back home.

I wish we could.


07-10-2008, 12:58 PM
Dear Socks,

Once again we meet. You're taking advantage of the fact that I really am liking wearing my boots right now. And that my sandals are on their last leg and I hate shoe shopping. Why can't you just stay up? I would be considerably more likely to spare you in the coming revolution if you did so.


07-10-2008, 01:13 PM
Dear Hypocrite,

I've tried to get past the hurt and pain, I've tried to forgive you, and I've tried to be your friend. I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore. You're moving, I'm moving, and I'm relieved. You hurt me deeper than anyone else ever has, simply because you lied and then refused to acknowledge the truth. I. Can't. Do. It. Anymore. I'm finally standing up for myself. I'm not your rag doll, I'm not your whore, and I'm tired of being taken for granted. Of being your 'dirty secret'.

When we say good-bye at the end of this month, it's forever. Because looking at the cross on your neck, hearing you go on and on about still being a virgin, and knowing the truth of who you are...I can't. I just can't.

To conclude: Fuck You

~ Me

07-10-2008, 03:38 PM
Dear Roomie,

Why do you insist on stomping around like a T-Rex when you're getting ready for work? Some of us don't have to be up at the asscrack of dawn, and would like to sleep a bit more!

And I'm just about ready to cut your "supporting actor" off. I'm glad you guys still have an active sex life, but holy Hera, if you're gonna do it twice a day, gag her or something! It sounds like amateur opera night in here!


07-10-2008, 04:07 PM
Dear neighbor,

I realize you are from out of state, which means most people hate the very sight of you, since they hate the fact that people moving in from out of the state are bringing their crime with them, but I didn't hold it against you, till you proved to me what a-holes you really are.

You don't pull out of your parking space like a bat out of hell and expect everyone else to get out your way, since you think the world revolves around you. You almost hit us last night, because you didn't bother to look and see if someone was coming.

The neighbor hood has been really quiet lately, did you notice? Want to know why that is? It's because your children are not here right now! They are visting out of the state, so what does that tell you? THAT ALL THE NOISE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS FROM YOU ALL!

Feel free to move the hell back to where you came from. I will help you pack!

Dear ISP,

Someone needs to tell the reps in India what names are based on sex of the person. No one is going to buy that some guy's name is Beth, mmkay?

Plus, how come the I spent an hour on the phone with this guy trying to figure out why my computer wasn't connecting, even after he had me crawling all over the place under my desk checking shit that I knew was working. He told me it was my computer, yeah okay. Oh, and if he had talked to me like I was some illerate hick one more time I was going to go through the phone at him.

I called back a bit later and a woman who sounded like she was from this country told me in less than 5 minutes what was wrong and fixed it. You guys need to give that woman a raise!

Dear back,

WTF?!? I had a more painful procesdure done, because it was suppose to keep the pain away for a longer amount of time than just the injections. So, why in holy hell are you causing me so much friggen pain after only a few weeks?

Dear allergies,

GO THE HELL AWAY ALREADY! I'm tired of all the medication I have to take just so I can walk out the friggen door!

Dear idiot security guy at work,

I have done your job before and the people I worked with actually liked me. However, no one likes you because you are on a power trip. Don't pull that on me ever again or I will see to it that you are reassigned, got it? GOOD!

Dear children,

Stop growing up so fast! WAAH!

07-10-2008, 04:28 PM
Dear Women of the World

I am a sweet funny caring and loving young man. I make a point of being a gentleman most of the time, it's how I was raised after all. I actually listen to you when you speak and I care about what you have to say. I always pay my own way and most of the time I pick up the check entirely.

I am educated and I have a drive to be the best I can be at all things including but not limited to : moving ahead with my career, being a pretty good cook, being an attentive and passionate lover and being the best man I can be

I'm not perfect by any means, I know that. I can be stubborn, I'm a bit of a geek, and I have some self-esteem issues that I am working on. I realize some of the things I am into and some of the friends I keep aren't "mainstream" and certainly aren't everyone's cup of tea and that's fine

All I really want is to be given a fair shot, a second look, or to not be pushed into the background I just want to loved and feel like someone is interested in me I don't feel that it's to much to ask is it?

Just a nice guy

07-10-2008, 05:38 PM
Dear Uncle and Bossman

You could have picked any day to move people around, why did you pick the day we come back to work from a two week road trip?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And if the marketing stuff you need at the end of the month isn't here when I get back, I might have to kill you.

Your niece and report/marketing/monkey

Evil Queen
07-10-2008, 11:47 PM
Dear Frisco,

You've been such a good dog while I had to house sit you. You're well trained and that makes me happy. But, you see, we have a slight problem. I'm trying to spoil you for all it's worth because I don't have a doggie of my very own and only get a chance to love on and spoil doggies when I help BF house sit you.

Please cooperate and take the peperoni slice I'm trying to feed you!


Dear BF,

Since J is gone and the Fennec is no longer living in the house, can I please have a doggie of my very own yet? How about after I get off full time hours?

Loveing you but missing a pet,

07-11-2008, 05:32 AM
Mom and Dad,

No more hospital visits for a while for either of you, ok? I know this time luckily was something minor but still, it happens enough to worry me. I know it could be a lot worse and a lot more often. I'm getting way to used to getting the calls though.


Dear J,

I know I have this horrible problem of crashing at the worst possible moments and I'm sorry. Thank you for having more patience with me than I have with myself.

Dear Jenna,

Thank you for getting so excited that my car's insides look like they were attacked by a rabid sweater. You may be my favorite dog but I should point out that Mara rode in the car without spazzing and she's the one that usually doesn't like to be good. Your lucky that your adorable.

07-11-2008, 06:14 PM
Dear Creative side

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that we finally have proper free time to sit down and write something halfway decent you decide to go limp !!! piss off and get cracking!

yours in limbo

07-11-2008, 07:29 PM
An email to the Police.


I would like to file a missing persons report, as Summer has yet to appear, I last saw Summer briefly last year for a couple of days, she had a golden glow and a lovely warm personality. I was told that Summer would return this year after May (although she has been a bit of a damp squib recently as well).

It is with deep regret that I type that Summer has yet to turn up as promised and I am deeply concerned for her welfare, to date I have only seen April (who continually showers), although May made a brief appearance for one or two days this year.

I am unaware of the height of Summer (as I haven't seen her for such a long time) however she is usually connected to picnics, barbeques and garden parties so she shouldn't be too hard to find.



07-11-2008, 10:37 PM
Dear Dish Network,

I am disappointed in the fact you don't have LOGO as one of your channels but when I go to The Weather Channel I can skip the "Local on the 8's" just by hitting the "Select" button. You kick major ass for that. Also, when it rains, there's less complications with the dish due to rain. Might I randomly suggest you replace Sirius with XM Radio though? I misses it! :cry:

A former couch potato


Dear Wawa

Thank you for rescuing me from 4 years of bustin my ass for less than minimum wage at Hell. I am officially your bitch.

Your faithful associate


Dear Best Friend's Mom

Learn how to chastise your youngest daughter. She's almost an adult but my manager's toddler is more mature than she is. Also, your oldest daughter's suggestion to beat her ass isn't a bad idea and if you just did that, oh I don't know, every time she called you a bitch or told you to fuck off, she might learn that speaking to you like that is not only disrespectful, but just wrong. So don't yell at her and suggest you know what you're doing because obviously you don't.

By the way, Jesus hates you...a lot.

Stop trying to coerce my friend to sing in the choir.

Stop telling her the devil is blinding her because she feels uncomfortable in the church environment. It seems you're the one who's blinded by your own judgement you ignorant bitch...

Also, despite what your radical, overzealous church friends say, We ALL are the sons and daughters of God, not the devil. Dumbass.

By the way, you're the afterbirth of a Mongolian clusterfuck for telling that bullshit to her. Your brainwashing techniques have failed. Do not pass/go. Do not collect $200. Grow the fuck up and be a more responsible mother. Stop letting your youngest walk over you like you're a damn throw rug

Stop telling both of us how to live our lives. Don't hate because my mom knew what the fuck she was doing when she raised my brothers and I.

Your oldest daughter's best friend


Dear Jesus,

You probably don't really hate my friend's mom and I'm sorry for using your name like that. I just don't appreciate it when she bashes others in your name. Don't you find it disrespectful?

Your biggest fan


Dear Diet Commercials


07-12-2008, 04:27 PM
Dear dream center of my brain,

Please no more dreams/nightmares of daughter being kidnapped while we're out in public and then finding her mutilated body all over the city! :cry: No like those dreams. STOP!!!!!!

No more sleeping until this stops,

07-12-2008, 08:01 PM
Dear Tokyo,
WTF is up with this weather? Ok, the mini-thunderstorm was cool, but I left Bangkok to get away from excessive heat and humidity, and now this?

Sweatily and grumpily yours,

Dear downstairs neighbours,
I'm sorry! We do not, in fact, have an elephant for a pet, just an exuberant 6-year-old who keeps forgetting to walk quietly instead of galloping down the hallway. If you spoke any English or I spoke any Japanese, I would apologise in person, but I'm not sure when you're home, either.
Sorry again,
mom of the loud kid

07-13-2008, 04:06 AM
Dear Becks--



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Dear Becks' F-I-Ls--

Words cannot describe you.


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Dear Grá mo chroí thar fhearaibh --

How am I supposed to help you if you aren't online to talk to?

Is tusa m'fhíorghrá.


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07-14-2008, 03:27 AM
Dear SO,

I know you and my mom are on bad terms since that awful verbal fight you two had, but that was three years ago. My mom has already put that behind her, why can't you? She will be your MIL once we marry and the grandmother (along with your mom) to our children too! Besides that, it would be nice if you would come with me to my family's get togethers and what not with me. It's nice that I'm with family, but even nicer with you there with me.



07-14-2008, 05:20 AM
Dear upstairs neighbors,

KEEP IT DOWN DAMMIT!!! no one wants to hear your loud ass music thats not even remotely nice sounding at 12am!

STOP USING MY PORCH!! So what that we've had nothing but rain for the past 2 months! You have a GD porch!!! CLEAN IT UP AND WATCH HOW MUCH SPACE YOU HAVE!!!!

STOP PARKING IN MY SPOT!!! I have ONE simple little car, it runs, it doesn't require maintance that ABSOLUTLY MUST be done in my yard....at 6am ><. On the same note...I HAVE ONE CAR!!! but I like to have friends over...stop taking up the entire back yard, driveway, AND street!

LEARN TO BE CONSIDERATE!!!! ok...you have 12 people living with you...I have one...at most I have 3 bags of trash a week. so what gives you the right to take up the ENTIRE trash can ><!


Dear Landlord!

For the 90millionth time!! fix the damn floors like you said would be done before I EVEN moved in...2 months ago! I have bugs coming into my house from the 2 inch gap under my door, and the holes in the floor are becoming rather annoying!

Stop saying that you are gonna get someone over here to fix the 3 things I've been after you to fix since I moved in...2 of which you knew about BEFORE I moved in and promised they would be done before I moved in!!! dammit!

If this keeps up I'll take you to court and own this damn place!!!

ungratefully yours, Sarlon!

07-14-2008, 05:40 AM
Dear soon-to-be-ex-fiance:

Stop asking me over and over again how you can fix things. 4 chances is more than enough, and I don't like living under a microscope. You CAN'T fix things anymore. Deal with it. If you're oh-so-sad about losing me, maybe you should have changed your shit 2 years ago when our "problems" first arose?

The bitter and angry, broken shell of a human you left behind


Dear soon-to-be-ex-fiance's brother:

I let your sorry, jobless ass live in my house rent free. The least you can do is some fucking dishes and watch my kids once in a while so I can get the hell away from you and your loser brother. How about picking up after yourself when you're done free-loading on my couch all afternoon? Fold the blanket, put the pillows back on the couch where they belong? I fail to see how this is difficult for you.

Eat a fat dick,
The bitch

07-14-2008, 05:52 PM
Dear a-hole neighbor,

I have told you and told your spawn that they are not to come near my children, because you don't require your children to behave in the least. That means don't have your daughter come over and ask to play with my daughter, the answer is NO!

It seems your family can not figure out why none of your neighbors want anything to do with you. Are you really that slow or what?

Oh, and if you want every single relative of yours down every single weekend, why no move back to where they are? I promise the whole neighborhood would be eternally grateful.

Dear BossMan,

You saw that I was wearing flip flop type shoes on Friday and started to get on me about it. Did you not see my feet were two sizes bigger than normal? That my ankles looked like the marshmallow mans'? I was a bit freaked since I haven't had that happen since I was pregnant with my daughter. No, I'm not pregnant. I don't know what was going on, but thanks for making me even more self concise of the problem.

I had to go with what ever would fit on my feet, so settle peddle! have I ever gone against the rules before? NO! So next time, try to look to see if there is a reason for what is going on, so I don't have to explain it all to you in front of my coworkers, mmkay? I already felt like a freak.

Today, they have finally gone back to normal, so I promise I will have the right type of shoes on.

Oh, and it is personal on why I want Aug. 25th off. So please, stop asking. Do you want to see me break down in tears? No? then just accept that I'm taking it off and leave it alone.

Dear coworker,

Is your job slamming shit around and yelling every two seconds? It seems to me and others that it is, because that is all I see you do all night. I sit right behind you and you are pissing me off with it. Oh, and the rest of us don't care what kind of redneck life you have, okay? So, shut up, stop slamming shit and do your damn job!

Oh, and saying how horrible Italians are is not funny to me, who is married to one, or my friend who is one. We can tear down rednecks all night if you keep it up. At least, my friend and I didn't marry our male clone like you did. You and your husband look more like brother and sister. Oh wait, you just might be, never mind.

Dear children,

Do you all take turns on who can worry mom into a nut house? I swear you all take turns on who can worry mom the most! Knock it off! I worry enough about you guys as it! Do you all want me to end up in a straightjacket? AAHH!

Dear friend,

Thank you for killing the huge bug that was near my desk. I had to tell you that I have a HUGE bug phobia, but you did it for me and even took the dead bug to another aisle to throw away. Thanks!

Oh, and it's not funny to make bug jokes at me! :mad: :D

07-14-2008, 08:00 PM
Dear *Company*

Kiss my wobbly white ass.


07-15-2008, 04:49 AM
Dear loser,

Wow, you're such a catch. This explains why I just found out that the other night you and my sister slept at the skate park because you'd worn out your welcome crashing at all your friend's houses because you have no job and no place to live. The fact that you're a felon doesn't help the job search much I'm sure. Oh and randomly handing my sister a marriage license out of no where when you both had decided to wait and saying "here, fill this out" was beyond classy for sure. Also, the fact that I don't fake pleasantries with you like mom and dad is for a reason. I don't like you. I won't even pretend to. If you hurt her or get her arrested though, you will have to deal with me.

Dear sister,

I really wish I could blame him for the whole thing. You have gone along with all of this willingly though. Despite that he constantly lies but is horrible at keeping his stories straight, despite the fact that he's trying to alienate you from all your friends, and despite him dragging you down and being a waste of your time, you're still with him. You've said he's "damamged goods". I get the fact that no one's perfect and I wouldn't ever refrain from dating someone because they had issues. I have plenty myself. You didn't just mean having issues though. This guy doesn't have issues, he has volumes. He treats you like shit. Hell, you went back to him after he screwed his ex. At this point, there's nothing I can say that I haven't already but you're making some big mistakes that are going to take a lot of work to undo.

Dear Jared,

Thank you for keeping me company and listen to me bitch, even during the times when it's about your mom or your brother. Thanks for watching girly shows with me, even if you do shake your head and laugh at how horrible they are the entire way through and then make fun of me for my occational bouts of girlyness. When your brother and I were first dating and I had moved into your house, I had a lot of trouble sleeping in a new house at night. Thanks for all the late night joking and even the helping me organize the tapes all those times. Thank you for helping me rearrange my storage shed every time I realize I once again have no more room. Thank you for no longer introducing me as your brother's ex but as your brother's best friend who's part of the family.

07-15-2008, 02:33 PM
Dear head,

Please stop hurting.

This will be over soon. I promise.



You know who you are--

I just want you to know that NO ONE but the two of you think you're going about this the right way.

Totally sad.



07-15-2008, 02:44 PM
Dear Mother-in-Law,

Stop sending dirty, second-hand appliances to us, just because they're 220v. Try to be a bit more discriminating in what you pick up off the trash heap. Not everyone likes having their kitchen full of furniture one might see on "Dirty House Nightmares".

While we're at it, cut the umbilical cord already. Calling your married, adult son every night? Not a problem. Hanging all over him when you come to visit? Weird. Weird as hell. Get your own husband.

Thanks muchly,


07-15-2008, 07:06 PM
Dear Bee's Pajamas,

You rock my world. Last night was awesome. Tonight will be even more awesome, and the awesome surrounding you will increase daily until you simply can no longer contain it.

Here's to our big dream. You write the story, I'll paint the canvas.


07-16-2008, 12:11 PM
Dear Boything,

You being gone has been very hard, there's no doubt about that. I've been less than happy with it this past month for lots of different reasons, but I've truly peaked in that loneliness right now.

There is nothing more upsetting than waking up at 5am, puking your guts out and crying because you don't want to wake your room-mates up... Alone.

Please come back and make me better.

07-16-2008, 04:41 PM
Dear leg infection,

Thanks so much for itching so badly you kept me up for an hour. I've been treating you with antibacterial cream for about a month now, and you're still around. What the hell does it take to get rid of you? I'm thinking of gnawing off my leg at the knee, but then I wouldn't be able to jog anymore.

Dear middle school music teacher,


Some jackass pushed me out of a chair and I banged your precious trumpet on the floor. Oh, thanks for your lack of concern if I actually got hurt or now. Yes my saying your trumpet wasn't damaged wasn't too bright, but was it really necessary to chew me out to the point of crying about it? At least the jackass had the decency to apologize, but you?


I'm not the scrawny runt I was then, if I ever see your sorry hicktown ass again, I will gladly show you a new way to play your trumpet. That is if I don't shove it so far up your ass you'll need a dentist to get it out.

07-17-2008, 02:35 AM
Dear WW Diet,
Please work. I am diabetic. I weigh 170lbs. I KNOW I'm supposed to weigh about 125lbs. I have been following you for the last 10days and so far I feel tired and irritable, but my blood sugars are finally balancing out to a constant normal level instead of going from 30 to 230. I have lost a little over a pound so far and I just want to feel better. It may take me a year or longer, but I'm begging you WW diet....please be patient and work with me.

Dear jeans,
Hopefully I can fit into you again in a few weeks. You are my favorite pair. You make my hips look hippie and my but look nicely round. I can't wear you right now because of a little thing called "muffin top." I wish you could look it up to see what I was talking about. Suffice it to say, it does not look cool. I promise....you will be on me by the end of summer.

Dear jogging shoes,
Good-bye! I have to throw you out because I used you for the first time in months just last week and you almost made my feet blister. I have to get a new pair because I've had you for so long. Wish the new pair well!


07-17-2008, 02:12 PM
Dear MG,

Sorry I haven't been over to see you in awhile. I know you were supposed to be coming home 2 weeks ago, but because the garage didn't do something right, you broke down, and had to ride the big white truck back. I'm also sorry you ran out of gas on your maiden voyage...because stupid me didn't check the gas gauge. At least you didn't have to sit along the road very long--the gas station was only a few minutes away. As such, I didn't get to drive you very much--but the experience was truly glorious! Not sure if it was the raw engine note, or simply because I was finally getting to drive a car I'd lusted after since you came east in 1980. I also apologize if I was a bit rough--I'm simply not used to heavy steering, quick-acting brakes, and a transmission with 'Reverse' on the wrong side. I'll learn, I promise! Oh, and get well soon!


Dear Baxter,

I put those gates up for a reason...to keep you and Sally from pouncing on me as I sleep. I have this thing about being up at 3am :rolleyes: Little did I know that you could clear both gates. And yes, I thought it was hilarious when you fell off last night.


07-17-2008, 04:30 PM
Dear self,

Always look closely at the person you are calling someone else's name to make sure that they are that person.

I'm sorry, lady I thought was one of my coworkers! I'm not really a crazy person who talks to random strangers! :o

Dear doctor's office,

Who calls at 8:00 AM? I was still asleep. I don't like being woken up that early, it makes me want to smash!

Also, last time you guys told me to be 15 minutes early for my appt. I was left waiting for almost an hour to see the doctor, so why bother?

Dear children,

I turn the answering machine down very low, so I can sleep in if I want without being woken up by the voice on it YELLING TO LEAVE A MESSAGE!

So, stop turning it all the way up to levels that all the neighbors in a one block radius can hear it!

If you keep turning it up I will wake you up as soon as I get woken up and we all know you guys don't want that.

Dear security guard at work,

You take your job way to seriously and annoying everyone with it. You don't get to yell at my coworkers, me and my husband for the stupid beyond weird reasons you do.

So, my coworker forgot her badge, just sign her in and let her do her job, instead of berating her for 5 minutes for a simple mistake and telling her she should just go home.

My husband picks me up late at night after all but a few of us have already left, is it necessary to yell at him to park in the dark lot where I might not see him, instead of letting him park where I can see him?

Also, I was standing in the smoking area, so yelling at me that I wasn't far enough away is not really my problem, take it up with management as to how far away the smoking area they put in place is.

I managed to do security for 2 1/2 years without pissing every person on the site I was on off, so I know how it should be done.

Yes, I did take it up with your supervisor, so now you might know I don't like you, but it makes no difference to me, since I refuse to sit by while you treat me and my coworkers like crap.

Dear other coworker,

You know, we really aren't interested in hearing how much you drink every night after work and how wasted you were when you finally got to bed at 4 AM.

You are in your late 20's you should have outgrown that kind of behavior by now and moved on with your life.

No, just no, we do not want to hear how your mother sleeps in the same bed as you! NO! That takes it to a new level of creepy, mmkay? I outgrew having to have my mommy sleep with me when I was 4 and found out there are no monsters in my closet. Cut the apron strings or stop telling us such disturbing things.

Your life is in no way normal, I don't care where you are from, that is not normal.

Also, telling us stories of your 4 year old godchild cursing people out and punching people in the face when is mad at them is not in the least bit funny, but you think it's hilarious. I hate to see how that child is when he is grown.

07-17-2008, 04:37 PM
Dear Pet Cat,

I know you want to play; I understand the urge.

I will play with you...but for god's sake, let me sleep in past 3 AM tomorrow, okay?

While we're on the subject, please stop leaving your dirty catnip toy under the sheets, and, when you get tired of playing, hogging half the bed. I don't even know how it's possible, but you somehow manage to have both humans lying half-off the sides, our appendages going numb from nocturnal cliff-hanging while you stretch out in a weird, vaguely-cat-shaped blob right in the middle of the queen-sized mattress.

Suspecting we're being trained,
The Humans

07-17-2008, 10:23 PM
Dear Now-ex-fiance:

Thanks for practically stalking me and my friends, reading my CS posts (WTF, seriously?) to yell at me about them, and stealing my phone to prevent me from leaving you. You sealed the fucking deal.

No love,
The bitch who is about to kick you and your brother out on your asses


Please don't forget me. I need you, especially now that I'm about to be living on my own.

Please help,

07-18-2008, 03:19 AM
Dear ankles,

Please stop swelling.


It hurts and makes me cranky.



07-18-2008, 09:44 AM
To the Driver of the Silver VW Golf VA07 %%% on the A417 northbound at 07:00 today.

Look at your speedometer, what does it say? I would suggest it reads around 75+ mph. Do you know the stopping distance for that speed, if not allow me to educate you, it's 356 feet.

That's correct, 356 feet, around 106 metres in new money.

Now that I have imparted that wonderful knowledge to you may I now ask why you were less than ten feet behind my bumper whilst travelling at that speed while we were overtaking that lorry?

May I also ask why you felt the need to flash your headlights at me? I will decide when it is safe to move into lane 1, not some idiot who cannot drive properly (just for your notes it's safe when you can see all of the car in your rear view mirror).

The next time you try a stunt like that I will do the following.
1) Write down your Registration
2) Put in a complaint of dangerous driving
3) Watch you squirm in court when you lose your licence.

Yours, annoyed


07-18-2008, 11:33 AM
My Dearest Child,

When I tell you to lay down and close your eyes, I'm not saying that just to hear my own voice. I'm saying it because it's 5 o'clock in the freaking morning and I wan some more sleep!!! :cry:

No more waking up early, please????

Love you,

07-18-2008, 07:12 PM
Dear Mom,

Stop asking when we are going to have kids. And stop saying "you need to have babies so I can quit my job"

If you want babies so bad then go adopt one. Wifey and sister (mine) both told you the same thing.

If you want to quit your job, then quit! Dad even told you to quit so that you'll cook once in a while and he doesn't have to keep spending money going out/take out every night.

We'll have kids when we are good and ready. And it won't be for a while!

By the way, it's only been two years, how did you forget when our anniversary was already?

Your Son,


07-19-2008, 04:41 AM
Dear left leg/hip/knee/combo--

For the love of sleep, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease stop hurting. I know you don't like the computer chair, but there isn't much I can do about it at the moment.

If you stop hurting, I'll give you your choice of Jameson's, Tequila Rose, and.or Bailey's on Sunday night. :lol:

Seriously--knock it off.

In scream-inducing pain--


************************************************** **************

Dear Fave Ex®--

I'm glad you plan to be back relatively soon. I can't wait.

For the love of me, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!!!

Is tusa m'fhíorghrá.


************************************************** **************

Dear Becks--

I can't wait.


Are you here yet?


************************************************** *************

Dear Rooks--

Please get better. I don't want to have to take you to the vet. You don't like vets, remember?

Very scared--


07-19-2008, 06:25 AM
Dear left arm;

I know my work desk sucks. But PLEASE stop going numb and sending shooting pains into my hand and shoulder. Please please please, I write for a living and I neeeeeeed you.


Dear lovely bi-polar INFP brain;

I realize you are sensitive and never really got over that whole never-having-friends-til-college thing. I get that. But seriously, you have friends now. You have a job others your age would kill for. You live in a town you love, and have money to buy enough books to feed your reading habit. STOP. BEING. DEPRESSED. Seriously! And stop trying to tell me that people don't want to be around me, because it's a frakking lie and we both know it.

So please be a good brain and shut up. If you shut up, I'll give you ginger beer and gummi brains. You LIKE gummi brains, remember?

07-19-2008, 09:55 PM
Dear stuff,

If I leave the boxes open in the middle of the floor, could you pack yourself? I'd really appreciate it.

No time to pack


Dear birdies,

I know that when the wonderful bright sun rises in the sky, you get very excited and like to express this by singing and calling and talking to all of your bird buddies. But please, do you have to do it in the tree by my window? At 6 am on a Saturday? I keep those dark drapes over my window for a reason - I want to sleeeeep.

Sleepily yours,

07-20-2008, 03:32 AM
Dear Lizziebeff,

Not yet.


Getting there.



07-20-2008, 10:57 AM
To the person who assaulted NimrodJess this evening-

I'm a forgiving guy, I don't hold many grudges against people I don't know, but you just jumped straight to the top of list! I hope you're having fun and making friends in lockup, you're going to be there for a day or two after all!
I would advise that when you get out, please excercise some common sense and lay low. You have allot of people who really aren't happy with you right now, and while we aren't going to go actively searching for you, we may have some unkind words and gestures should we see your sorry ass.
If you decide that you must be a persistent little dumbass and exact some kind of revenge, I would encourage you to do so on my side of the river! As you may have heard Omaha got rid of it's city jail recently so your sorry ass would go straight to county to play with the big boys! If you could also do me a favor and make sure to do this while I'm nearby that would just make my day! I'm not stupid enough to physically assault you, but I would be delighted if you gave me, or her, an excuse to employ self-defense.
In all honesty I sincerely hope never to see you again, and if you're smart you'll wish the same of me and mine. Please listen to reason and play nice, accept your fate, and move on with your life, if you had done so in the first place this would never have happened.
Meanwhile, I hope you're enjoying your tour of the jailhouse, I've heard great things about that place; fresh clothes, a bed, free cable... Maybe this will give you some time to think about your actions, but if I were a betting man I'd say it won't be your last time in a correctional facility! :wave:

You have the reasoning skills of a turkey in a rainstorm,


07-21-2008, 04:48 AM
Dear muscles,

I realize I overdid it at strike tonight lifting much more than you're used to - but it had to be done. I'm going to need all of you pretty soon - I start moving stuff on Wednesday, y'know. Please don't be mad at me...and Quit Hurting!!!


07-21-2008, 06:58 PM
Dear Cow working at the local Subway--

Don't roll your eyes when I politely ask for a clean knife when you cut my sub. If I wanted mayo or God knows what else on my sub, I'd ask for it.


07-23-2008, 02:28 AM
Dear tonsils,

Soon we shall be parting company.

I can't say as I'll be sorry to see you go. This year you took up with a bad crowd and let strep set up shop in your crypts. It has come to the point where the surgery to remove you is cheaper and less of a hassle then dealing with a case of full blown strep every month.

I don't know where you'll end, but send a post card, you know I collect those.


07-23-2008, 02:35 AM
Dear Soon-To-Be-Ex-Boyfriend,

I know we're going to part ways pretty soon...probably by the end of this week or next week. I'm numb. Literally. I've shut down emotionally. It's going to hurt very very badly. I'm preparing myself for the intense heart break and inevitable emotional free-fall downward.

I love you, but I know, the smart, level-headed part of me, knows that this is the best thing for both of us.

But oh how I'll miss you....


07-23-2008, 02:36 AM
Dear Guy,

I very nearly ended things with you yesterday because I was terrified of following the same path with you that I've taken so many times before. I very nearly let the stress in my life dictate my future. I very nearly walked away from the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I just wanted to thank you... for everything. Thanks for being my shoulder when I cried, my pillar when I needed strength, and a warm pair of arms when I needed a hug. Here's to the future.

Love (more than I'd care to admit),

The hopeless romantic you woke up next to

07-23-2008, 02:47 AM
Dear Karma and Luck,

I hate you. There are lots of people I know and work with who are flat out terrible, awful people who plot to get people fired and do more than just simple bitching about lazy people. Do they have to get in car accidents? Do they have to struggle to support themselves and eat and live? I admit I was thinking some really terrible things this morning, but did I really have to bash into some guy's car in front of EVERYONE and destroy my clean record and clean out my wallet AGAIN?


07-23-2008, 03:40 AM
Dear Free Will:

Why can you not have the decency to tell me that the decision I'm making is wrong? I appreciate possessing you, but really, I'd let you go if it meant living happily. Does that sound terrible? It is, I admit it, but right now, I am far too sick of the bullshit I keep leading myself into because of YOU.

Yes, my poor decisions led up to me having a daughter at 20, the most beautiful, smart, funny little girl to grace this earth (besides me). However, I could have done without a lot of the pain I went through to get her. Please don't let me choose to be with the next asshole I meet. Let a decent fellow show his interest for once.

Thank you, although you'll probably be getting another letter soon.


07-23-2008, 01:26 PM
Dear Igorina,

You collect postcards too!? I love postcards. I have a huge photoalbum full of postcards that I keep. I've never met another postcard collector before. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

Fellow postcard collector,
Dear Daughter,

Thank you so much for sleeping through the night in your own bed for 2 days in a row! Please keep it up and I'll buy you one of the biggest, bestest, loudest, noisiest toys at Toys R Us!

Deliriously Awake,
Your Mommy
Dear Husband,

I miss you. You work to hard and too long Monday to Friday. Sometimes the only time I know you make it home safe and sound is when I roll over in the middle of the night and you're in bed beside me. Soon I might forget what you look like as you leave before I wake up.

Your Wife

07-23-2008, 01:40 PM
Dear Igorina and IDR

PM Me your addies, I'll try find you some nice SAfrican posties to send



Dear self

Stop it. Just stop beating yourself up on a daily basis. Stop being your own worst critic and enemy. You can deal with so much more if you wouldn't become a whiny little bitch.

Grow up

07-23-2008, 02:47 PM
Dear postcard collectors,

I collect them, too.

And keychains. :D




Dear T,

You know what I'm going to say. You sense it whenever you see me.



Dear male coworker L,

I'm flattered. Really, I am.

And yet...it's kind of weird that you know that I'm practically married, yet want to marry me yourself. On about two weeks' acquaintance.

Edging away slowly,


07-24-2008, 01:08 AM
Dear IDR,

I do indeed collect postcards. It's a habit I picked up from my father.

Once, he managed to find a postcard his uncle sent to his aunt in an antique shop.


Dear iradney,

Thank you so much for your offer!



Dear CS board,

If you too collect postcards and find you absolutely *must* have one from Mississippi, send me a PM with a postal addie and I shall see what i can scrounge up.


07-24-2008, 03:12 AM
Dear back,

Stop having spasms.

In pain,



Dear Mommy,

I can't believe you were on a motorcycle.

I'm shocked.



07-24-2008, 03:20 AM
Dear Mom--

I also cannot believe you went cruising on a motorcycle.



07-24-2008, 01:52 PM
Dear Igorina -

That story of your dad finding a family postcard in an antique shop? Full of the win. :lol:

Postcards rule,
To the CS.com board members,

If y'all would like a postcard from Northern Virginia/Washington DC area. Please send me your addies & I'll try my best to send stuff out to you. :)

Dear Child,

Why did you break your sleeping in your own bed streak by sneaking into my bedroom at 1:15 AM? :cry:

Dear Brain,

Please come back.

I miss you,

07-24-2008, 04:18 PM
Dear Irwin,

I love you dearly. Really. I was a bit put out when I bought you and you broke not a month later, but hey, a new hose is no big deal, a good mechanic in the family is a handy thing to have, and you were good as new pretty soon. Then you broke a few more things, and a few more, but I took care of you, and we began to come to an understanding. We get along pretty well now, and you've never really let me down. However, spending 3 grand to keep you going a month ago was a bit much.

Now, you're leaking oil. And I am warning you, right here, right now, this had BETTER be an easy, inexpensive fix. I have no more money to spend on you!

I like you and I appreciate your handy habit of numerologically predicting the future, but really, enough is enough with the mechanical problems!

-Source of Your Gasoline

07-25-2008, 10:36 AM
Child -

Again with the coming into Mommy & Daddy's room in the middle of the night?? And waking me up at 6 AM??? :cry: Thank God there is coffee in the house! :roll:

Very, very, very tired,

Our daughter might have had her head on your pillow, but she kept flinging her legs onto me. Stop the cursing. Not my fault you got home after 11 PM last night and didn't climb into bed until much later. :mad:

No love right now,

07-25-2008, 01:57 PM
Dear construction guy,

I understand that you have to do what you're doing, but the noises you're making by scraping things against other things is making my spine try to crawl out of the back of my neck. I understand you have to be doing this. Please realize though that while I'm trying to suck it up and deal with it, pausing to ask me things like, did my eyebrow piercing hurt, and did I do it myself is not appreciated. I'm really hungry and somewhat tired and worn out from staying up late having a very taxing conversation. I know you're just trying to be cheerful and have a conversation since you're working on the front counter part of my desk. It probably wouldn't be so bad except that noise really is driving me insane.

Dear JM,

Here's to hoping you're free this weekend because I could really do with some hanging out, some woodchucks, and maybe a bit of snuggling. That would be amazingly awesome.

Dear J and Jared,

Thank you for going to see Batman with me. I promise next time I will be better at the navigator stuff and I'm sorry for us winding up in a different state. :) The movie rocked and I'm glad we got to finally do that.

07-25-2008, 02:43 PM
Not-so-dear tonsils,

I really, really hate you. You're supposed to keep me healthy, and you do everything but. And you always get inflamed right before we have plans for the weekend. If I could find a doctor willing to remove you ugly, swollen, red bastards, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Either do your job correctly or shrivel up and die.

No love,

07-25-2008, 02:57 PM
Dear G,

I appreciate your offer to help us load up the truck, but I would really prefer you didn't.

Please just stay on the other side of the river until we're ready to leave.


Oh, yeah. Please tell your husband that it's RUDE to park right in front of the driveway, especially when your son is taking me to work.


07-25-2008, 03:00 PM
Dear XCashier

Why won't the docs remove your tonsils if they keep getting infected and inflamed? They sound like quacks to me :(

*huggles and icecream (with calories removed)*

07-25-2008, 05:51 PM
Dear Car

Please be a sweetie and not get dirty for a bit, I've just spent three hours washing and polishing you and making the glass all spiffy, if you get grubby again I won't be too amused.

With love,

Your provider of petrol.

07-25-2008, 06:17 PM
Dear car (another one),

Please randomly fix the alternator that went out yesterday. Also, a new battery would be nice, since you killed the one you have and now will not start.

Hooray for crappy things happening all at the same time.

The lady who fills you with gas.

07-26-2008, 03:05 AM
Dear Apartment,

I know i could have taken better care of you but its hard with a she bitch like you know who. If you could help me out by packing your self so I can be rid of your landlords once and for all I'd greatly appreciate it. Also, since you see everything, If you could leave me proff of where the hell my shit is I'd love you forever.

you friend,
Sick of this part of town and roomate

07-26-2008, 03:17 AM
Dear XCashier

Why won't the docs remove your tonsils if they keep getting infected and inflamed? They sound like quacks to me :(

*huggles and icecream (with calories removed)*
Dear Iradney,

They don't like performing tonsillectomies on adults for some reason. Whenever I ask, I always get some different excuse or hemming and hawwing. It's frustrating as hell.

Thanks for the virtual ice cream! :)


07-26-2008, 03:18 AM
Dear Shebeast Whorebag,

I know you dated my brother but im glad he dumped your ass for cheating on him in Peru with your herpy infested dance instructor. I hope your latin fever gives you Malaria. Oh and as far as you loveing your current illegal boyfriend. He's not going to wait for you. He has an illigitimate child with another girl. HE DIDNT EVEN TELL YOU until after she was born.. what was that 6 months after you started dating.. OO and as far as blowing his brains out every chance you get. If he was smart he'd drop your herpies infested ass and move back to mexico so he can become a real US citizen and STOP STEAL PEOPLES JOBS. If he was doing a job i wouldnt then what ever but being a cook at 3 different resurants seems a little greedy.

Hope your herpies burns you from the inside out.
Hope you become sterile so you dont pass any of your traits on to future human beings, because im not sure you are one.

I hope I never have the displeasure of seeing you ever again. Move back to SD and ROT!

A real Human being

07-26-2008, 06:27 AM
Dear PassionTurtle,

You forgot to mention she throws your stuff and your boyfriend's expensive stuff around for no reason whatsoever. She also steals your things and claims they are her own.

She really is a worthless human being.

I still love you,

07-26-2008, 11:42 AM
Dear Iradney,

They don't like performing tonsillectomies on adults for some reason. Whenever I ask, I always get some different excuse or hemming and hawwing. It's frustrating as hell.

Thanks for the virtual ice cream! :)


Dear XCashier

Sure, adult tonsillectomies have higher risks and recovery periods, and you might need someone to keep an eye on you for the first 10 days (tip: Sleep sitting up for those 10 days), but if they're getting infected on a regular basis...

Try keeping an infection diary, and keep the slips of any meds you have to take for em in that diary. After a couple months, check to see how many occurences you have, and take that with to the doc and say "Which is the lesser evil?"


07-26-2008, 01:35 PM
Dear Iradney,

The diary is a really good idea. Since I can't afford to go to the doctor every single time I get an infection, it'd be good to have a written record of it. I'll start on that right now.

I can deal with a long recovery time, heck, I'd be willing to heal for two months if it means I'll never be sick from tonsillitis again!

Thanks for your help,

07-26-2008, 01:56 PM
Dear Stupid,

FISH DO NOT MATE THAT WAY! You brain dead waste of space. I have to fight the urge to beat the stupid out of you every single night!

Also, don't think BossMan doesn't see you take 30 minutes breaks when we are only allowed a 15 minute break.

At least, you caught on to the fact that I don't like you and have stopped trying to get me do to your job for you. If you want me to show you how to take a payment (which you have been shown at least 10 times already) I'm going to put it under my name, got it?

Oh, and one more thing, stop whining about how easy my and my friends jobs are. You have no clue what we do and how much work it is, besides, we paid our dues when we were on the hardest account our job has and did it for months on end, an account you would not have lasted one day on, so shut the hell up.

Dear body,

I got lots of sleep last night, so stop shaking, mmkay?

Dear Security guy,

Don't you waste a lot of gas just sitting in the parking lot with your car on for hours at a time?

Also, I'm not into any kind of sports, so trying to talk to me about scores or what is going on in the sports world will get you a blank look.

07-27-2008, 08:21 AM
Dear Body,

Why have you decided to get all swollen and puffy and achy? I just dont understand it. Is it the weather? or do you just hate me now. If you would I would appreciate it if you would stop the conspiracy you have against me with my brain. Body, you are achy and hurt and are too hot then cold and all swollen, and Brain you are TOO worked up. Seriously just chill. Take about 6 hours to calm down and stop fretting. I know im asking a lot here but its not like im asking you to stop working all together.

I'm afraid if you two won't meet my requests i'll have to take a more advanced approach. You wont like the results. You will be left out cold and all groggy.

You've been warmed.

The lady that is too young to put up with this shit.

07-28-2008, 01:31 AM
Dear Nice(?) Lady at the Gaming Store,

Thank you for the information about hookworm therapy for allergies. However, $3,900.00 for one (ONE!!!) seminar/treatment is just too high for an untested/unknown treatment in the states. I've never been to Tijuana, Mexico, but I think I'll talk to my daughter's pediatrician before I make any decisions at this time. Plus, there is the possibility that she might have sleep apnea (hubs & I both have it).

Thank you for your thoughtfulness & the fact that you didn't give me dirty looks when my daughter threw a fit.


07-28-2008, 02:34 PM
Dear Keys,

Where did you go? I miss you, and I'm scared. While I doubt someone walked up the driveway and took them if they were outside, I still worry.

And what if the new dog ate them? I doubt that too but since you aren't around and we've searched the whole house I don't know what to say.

07-29-2008, 10:26 PM
Dear body,

quit being tired and achey.


Amethyst Hunter
07-30-2008, 05:04 AM
Dear Stupid,

You brain dead waste of space. I have to fight the urge to beat the stupid out of you every single night!

Dear Misanthropical,

Why fight it? :devil: ;)


Dear (not) Heat/Humidity,

You asshole, you CAME BACK. :mad:

Hate always, Me


Dear carrots from the garden,

Cleaning you off is a total pain. But you are tasty and therefore my stomach thanks thee. :)


Dear Car,

I don't care (right now) what anyone says about the environment and gas prices. I *HEART* YOU.

Looking forward to taking you out on the road again very soon, Me

07-30-2008, 05:18 PM
Dear Room-mates,
Thank you ever so much for letting me know last night that the stove and oven were broken. I was able to adequately supply myself with microwavable food in advance and was thus not left stranded today.


Fuck you guys. I woke up to a note saying "stove and oven temporarily out of order"! You don't cook in the mornings before work, therefore this happened last night, so you could have phoned me or texted me to let me know and so I could buy microwavable food. I don't have any, nor do I have a car today, so I'm stuck ordering pizza so that I can fucking eat.


07-30-2008, 09:34 PM
Dear (not) left ankle,

Why did you have to twist today? Now I hurt too much to make dinner and daughter is crying her head off. :cry: And hubs hasn't even left for home yet. :cry: I want my Mommy!

A very hurty Rum

07-31-2008, 03:18 AM
Dear T.,

You're wrong. It'll be much longer than a week.

You're right, too. I have no acceptable reasons or excuses, but one. Only...you wouldn't want to hear it.



Dear coworkers,

Thanks for the hugs, the best wishes, the cards, the balloons, the cash, the love, and for putting up with me taking pictures off and on these past few days.

I'll miss you all a lot, but I'll leave my contact information on Friday when I go in to pick up my check.

Much love and missing you already,

Rebecca/Becky/Becks/Sexy :p

Irving Patrick Freleigh
07-31-2008, 08:17 PM
Dear Milwaukee Brewers:


Why must you always get my hopes for the playoffs up, and then rip my heart right out of my chest and stomp it into little pieces with your cleats!?

The one time all of baseball focuses on you guys (instead of the Yankees and the Red Sox :puke:), and you get swept at home by the FIBS--I mean Cubs?

Real nice of you to give all the trash that blows up from Chicago in Derrick Lee and Aramis Ramierez jerseys free run of your home stadium and lots for them to run their beer-swilling mouths about.

Oh well, I have 45 to 50 years of life left. I can keep waiting.


08-01-2008, 02:11 AM
Dear (now former) coworkers,

I'm sorry I forgot to thank you for the flowers and the baked goods.

You guys rock and I miss you already.

Going back home,


08-01-2008, 03:56 AM
Dear Boy,

Figure your shit out. Know what the fuck you're doing before you do it.

And you wonder why I don't believe that you're coming back.

About to kill someone,

08-01-2008, 04:36 AM
Dear Fave Ex®--

That was so sweet of you.



08-01-2008, 05:10 AM
Dear adorable son of mine,

I know you want to cuddle. I understand why you like that so much.

Would it KILL you to stay asleep when I lay you down? I'd really like to be able to clean, do the dishes, cook dinner, etc. without having you practically attached to my breast.

You're making me crazy, and I'm just going to let you scream until your father gets home in 15 minutes. You'll survive, and I can breathe.


08-01-2008, 04:39 PM
Dear Barb:

You've sent me, count them, twenty-six emails in the last 36 hours. Which makes 81 in the last week. I realize that this publication is important to you, and reflects on your department. I do realize that.

So you need to realize that, YES! I HAVE CHECKED IT! I HAVE CHECKED EVERY ONE OF THE THINGS YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT! I've only been doing this publication for four years now, you know. Just because you've just taken over that department doesn't suddenly make me incompetent.

Besides, aren't you supposed to be on vacation today? So why are you emailing me at 10 o'clock at night? I'm only in the office 7:30 - 4:30 during the DAY. And you know that.

Huh. There's number twenty-seven. Okay, I'm getting a voodoo doll.

Cursingly yours,


08-01-2008, 05:34 PM
Dear idiot tourists,

I realize that you're in the "big city", well, infinitely bigger than whichever small rural town you came here from, and that the Plah-zah is very exciting. If, in your excitement, you choose to plunge yourself into incoming traffic, please note two things. 1) Traffic here Will Not STOP. Some might actually try to hit you. 2) I personally encourage your perfect example of natural selection at work, but please not in front of my car. You would leave a mighty big dent that I don't want to get fixed. Go find a Range Rover or Hummer if you want to play chicken.

An Angry Local

08-01-2008, 05:36 PM
Dear child,

My crutch is not a hobby horse!

That is all,

08-02-2008, 04:13 AM
Dear Mom--

Thanks for the donuts.


************************************************** *********

Dear Becks--

Are you excited yet?

--Me again

************************************************** ************

Dear Me--


--A VERY tired me

************************************************** *************

Dear K--

What is your problem? I didn't call you back because the only time I hear from you is when you want me to babysit. I DID text you to see what was up, though.

Cut me some slack, and get over yourself.


************************************************** ************

Dear Mom (again)--

You should have sent the rest of the cake home with Patty.


Evil Queen
08-02-2008, 06:02 AM
Dear self,

it's okay. feel better little eq. you'll be fine. this depression is only temporary. it's okay. just take your vitamins and smile. smiling is good. stop feeling like you're going to cry. stop it, please! please.

-from me.

08-02-2008, 02:03 PM
Dear Lizziebeff,

I'm getting there. It all seems a bit unreal yet, though.



PS-- Are YOU excited yet?

08-03-2008, 04:01 AM
Dear Becks--

Words cannot describe how I feel at the moment.

No. Really. I'm not being sarcastic.



Amethyst Hunter
08-03-2008, 04:28 AM
Attention Ebaying assmaggot,

The post office has finally returned my inquiry. So. You DID swipe my money that I sent for my auction WHICH YOU NEVER REPLIED TO OR SENT ME MY GODDAMNED STUFF THAT I BOUGHT AND PAID FOR. :pissed:

I would hate you harder, but right now I'm too tired and apathetic to bother. So I'll just close by saying that I hope you drink razor blades and DIAF. Fucking scumbag.

Loathing always, Me


Dear non-cold weather people,

If I hear one more person complain about cold weather, I swear to whatever god you believe in, I'm gonna hunt that person down and slap them silly if it takes me the rest of my life. I'M SICK OF THIS GODDAMN HEAT. :mad:

Soaking unhappily in my own sweat, Me

08-03-2008, 09:04 PM
horrible heat,

Please go away. I don't like you.

I delt with you last year. It was to be expected. I lived in florida. I also had a pool and the ocean to help make you fun. But here I have none of these things.

Please go back to florida where you belong. (either that or give me a pool. )



Dear mom,

Yayness I see you again this week! so looking forward to a week of nothing to do, I dont even have to cook for myself. Do believe i will cook for you , but because i want to. but YAY!


your loving daughter.

08-03-2008, 11:15 PM
Dear me,

Get the hell off of your fat ass and start packing and cleaning.




08-04-2008, 12:06 AM
dear heart (yes that lump of blood and tissue in my chest...not the one on my desk >.>),

STOP BEING SO DAMN FORGIVING! I know its not a bad thing.....but sometimes you just GOTTA LET GO!!! be bitter, be angry, reserve that love only for that someone special....


lots of hate,


Dear muse,

ok....4 year vacation is up....GET BACK TO WORK!!! and stop hiding behind that block....and ignore the writing on it >.> Those are just past ideas we've already written.

road blocked,

08-04-2008, 01:50 AM
Dear Husband,

I have finally figured out what your problem is when you "have to watch" our daughter. You have your head shoved so far up your @$$ that you'll need an operation to get it removed. :mad: :rant:

Our daughter is your child. Everyone says she looks just like you. So there is no doubt that she is yours. You do not "babysit" your own child. You take care of her. Watching her for 5 - 6 hours on a Saturday is NOT "watching her all day" when I "work".

Our daughter loves you for some unknown reason. She hardly ever sees you & when she does, she wants your attention when you only want to give the computer or the television your attention. That is why she acts out. You need to talk to her. I read to her. I play with her. You do nothing. You're a bump on a log.

Get over yourself & grow up.

No love right now,
Your Wife

Evil Queen
08-04-2008, 04:55 AM
dear eq

okay, bad time of the month is over so why are you still lonely and depressed? what's wrong with you? are you going to be okay? i worry about you, ya know. nothing is wrong. work is okay. your weird relationship with your s.o. is okay. mom and dad and sibling are okay. so why are you wanting to hide? why do you feel like crying?
i don't like this turn of events. your chest hurts and i don't know why. and the headache medicine isn't kicking in either.

worry about myself,

08-05-2008, 09:13 AM
Dear Child,

Why did you think 4:15 AM is a good time to get up? I'm hoping for a "nap" (or a continuation of the sleep that interrupted) in an hour or 2.

Also, the letter to Santa will be written today.

I love you,
Barely Awake,
Your Mommy

08-05-2008, 12:35 PM
Dear Precious, AKA Miss Kitty,

Why did you die? You were only 8 years old... I was having a good day until I walked inside and found you at the top of the stairs... I miss you, Mommy misses you... I love you...

And I'm sorry... Something was telling me to go inside when I was mowing the lawn, but I ignored it, and now you're gone. It looks like you would have been anyway, but I really don't know............

I'm so sorry little one, I'll never stop being sorry or missing you...

I love you my pretty kitty,


08-05-2008, 01:27 PM
Dear itunes,

How many gascquillion lines of code must you have to slow down IE this much? Surely you're not this much of a memory hog?

Yours, a new ipod owner


08-05-2008, 09:45 PM
Dear Right Arm.

Yes, I know I just asked you to move a 2/3 full bookcase so I could look for a missing CD that wasn't actually there but do you now need to ache so...?

Yours sorely


Dear iTunes

Beck, Bjork and Brian Wilson are all clumped together in the same genre as The Clash, Sigur Ros and The Dresden Dolls, wow, I guess 'Alternative' means 'not sickly sweet pop' now huh?

Yours Crossly


08-06-2008, 05:39 AM
Dear Stupid,

STOP STARING AT ME! Why do you insist on staring at me? I'm not that fascinating, so stop it! Don't you have work to do? Why do you spend most night staring at me with that idiotic grin on your face? You're creeping me out and if you don't stop I will slap you around with your computer.

Dear BossMan,

If you don't tell SmellyWoman to lighten up on the perfume I will vomit on her! It's so strong it makes me nauseated. She might actually smell better if I were to puke on her.

Dear Customers,

Don't ever lie to me! I'm a mother, so I know when someone is trying to get over on me, so don't bother. You will just make me mad and trust me, no one likes it when I'm mad.

I will reach through the phone and pull your lips off, so don't even think of lying to me, mmkay?

Dear Neighbor,

The only reason I haven't ran over your little brats that you let play in the parking lot at all hours is because I don't want to dent my car and/or wash blood off of it.

There is a rule about not letting children play in the parking lot. Yes, it does apply to yours even if you think it doesn't.

If I hear them or you screaming your fool heads off late at night one more time I will come out there and go all kinds of Wrath of God on you, got it?

08-06-2008, 09:08 PM
Dear knees,

Sharp pains I can stand. But this achy, pained feeling in them? What's up with that? My legs feel tired, my knees are achingly tired. I know like this feeling! Please stop. Not even the Tylenol is working. :cry:


08-06-2008, 09:28 PM
Dear brain

Will you please start working like a half way normal brain *or as normal as you get* This only being able to work a task for minutes before you shut down and have to move to something else is getting old. i know you just got back from vacation but I have a meteric ton of projects that need to get done. If you keep this up, there will be know more Doctor Who or Torchwood for you. *who in the heck am I kidding*

The person who is carry you around

08-07-2008, 06:20 PM
Dear Roomie:

Ya know. I've about had it with you. You're not the only one with financial troubles, but you put yourself in that position. I don't have a lot of control over mine however.

When we got the power bill and you saw that it was $120 and flipped out about it, one might think you'd put two and two together and realize that perhaps you had something to do with it. Considering that when we had my friend subleasing your room, the power bill never went above $80. The AC was fixed 1 week before you got back, and we never really ran it. In the 2 weeks you were back, you managed to rack up $70 in AC alone.
I'm already mad about that.

I come home last night after being chewed out by several people at work (on the phone, but by retarded assholes whom don't know their ass from the ground) to find that the apartment is down to 60 degrees. You were no where to be found, and knowing how you work, you come home, turn on ALL THE LIGHTS (even though we have a LARGE WINDOW WITH LOTS OF LIGHT) turn on the AC, and leave.


08-07-2008, 06:49 PM
Dear sinuses,

Please, please, please stop trying to burrow into my brain and out my forehead at the same time. It's really somewhat painful.

--your reluctant hostess

Dear Customer,

My store is not a place where you can store your purchase. Please take it with you when you leave, or alternately, make us your last stop before going home. I may tax you the change on your purchase for being annoying.

--your register monkey

Dear mom,

I love you. Dearly. But please stop trying to get me to be 'normal,' or what you perceive to be 'normal.' I am not. I like to dye my hair odd colours and dress up in Victorian-era-inspired goth clothes. My bosses don't have a problem with this, and I live in a place that expects oddness. You have one 'normal' child, so please leave me to do my thing.

--your loving, but annoyed, daughter

Dear motorcyclists,

Please stop popping wheelies at 45MPH down the street outside the store. You're going to get hurt, and I'm going to have to watch the local paramedics scrape you off someone's front bumper.

--your scared, yet intrigued, observer

Dear local teenagers,

The sidewalk in front of the store is not a rubbish bin. The flower bed is not a rubbish bin. The gutter is not a rubbish bin. Pick up your bloody trash and take it with you.

--your local, frustrated, sidewalk sweeper

Dear co-workers,

Please learn how to count money. And how to clean. And please remember that this is a place of business, not your dorm room. And stop putting your dirty shoes up on the clean white counter.

--your manager

Dear darling kitties

I love you. Please stop waking me up at 430 to play. I go to bed at 2300, and that isn't enough sleep. I'll play with you when I start my day, like always.

--your loving mommy

Dear wonderful boyfriend,

I love you. You make everything better. Thank you for being you, and for taking care of me through the last few difficult weeks. I need to find you a good present for being so amazing.

--your madly-in-love-with-you girlfriend.

Evil Queen
08-07-2008, 06:56 PM
Dear FedEX,

I got the computer back today. Suffice to say I am not happy. You will be hearing from me about this and you will be hearing from my SO about this considering he was going to ship FedEX once his computer business got off the ground.

Congratulations FedEX. I will not be shipping with you again.


Amethyst Hunter
08-08-2008, 03:38 AM
Dear Life,

Fuck you.

- Me


08-08-2008, 01:09 PM
Dear new IV line,
You are only two weeks old, and probably still getting used to things, so let me give you some advice. Bleeding through the bandage is not a good idea. This usually indicates that there is something wrong with you and that you must be replaced. My dad will take a look at you when he gets home in a few minutes to confirm that I am not crazy and that you actually are bleeding. When he gets home, do yourself a favor, and stop bleeding or both you and I will regret it.

Dear Daddy,
Should I start packing a suitcase?
Your Daughter

08-08-2008, 01:41 PM
Dear assclowns at the garage...

Pardon my French, but fix my fucking car already! It's been sitting in the exact same spot for over 3 weeks now. I know this, because it's the only orange GT there...and I pushed it to where it's sitting now. Also, and quit whining about how it's taking up space--that's your fault, not mine. Oh, and I don't think I'll be coming back for service--I'm going to learn to fix it myself. Screw you guys, I'm going home.


Dear Baxter and Sally,

Was it really necessary to play most of last night? Running around, I can handle...but not 3 straight hours of meowing. At least neither of you attempted to climb into bed with me. At least not that I could tell :p


Dear Alana and Morris*,

Quit sulking in the workshop already. Morris, I know you haven't moved from under the table in several months, and yes I do know that your tires are cracked. I have new ones...but I've been too busy to fit them. Alana, I know that your paint job looks like shit, but again, I've been too busy to fix that.


*those are the Radio-Flyer wagons I once used to deliver newspapers. After many years of hard use, they're enjoying a gentler life of keeping tools off the floor and serving as mobile workshops. That's not to say I don't occasionally use them for hauling mulch or dirt. Not often though--I have a knackered '59 R-F for that :p

08-08-2008, 01:55 PM
Dear line,
I told you so.

08-09-2008, 02:56 AM
Dear Self,

Why are you dizzy? Please make it stop! :cry: I no like being dizzy this late at night and not being able to sleep 'cos child has decided now is the time to be wide-eyed and bushy tailed. :cry:


08-10-2008, 04:50 AM
Dear Becks and Mr. Becks--



08-10-2008, 05:20 AM
Dear Lizziebeff,

Thanks. :D

Sorry I didn't get a chance to stop by when we were (kinda) in the area. Blame the men I was traveling with.

Still recovering,



Dear Paul,

Thank you for introducing me to the slice of heaven that is frozen hot chocolate from the coffee shop downstairs.


your favorite sister (at the moment)


Dear Bear,

Thanks for supplying the pizza on Thursday. I owe you big time.




Dear Julie,

Thanks for supplying the pizza on Friday. I owe you, too.




Dear Patty Moo,

Thanks for doing some of our laundry. You rock.

Also, thanks for bringing some of the brood to help. Please thank them for me and Mr. Becky.




Dear Mommy,

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to see you yet. Soon, I hope.

Missing you,



Dear apartment,

You are just way too cute for words. I love you.

Except for the kitchen, but that's OK. Everything else makes up for it.



08-10-2008, 05:57 AM
Dear husband,

Thank you for finally realizing that I want nothing to do with phones when I'm not at work. I am on the phone all night at work and don't want to deal with the phone when I'm off the clock.

Dear oldest son,

You don't realize how relieved I was that you can not drive till you are 16. Yes, I worry, deal with it.

Dear Stupid,

I realized there was a God when you were moved two aisles away. However, it is extremely rude to keep shouting out a person's name over and over again, while they are talking to me.

Oh, and here is a novel idea, how about actually doing your job at some point. That means you have to be at your desk instead of walking around talking to friends or making personal calls to your BabyDaddy.

Dear BossMan,

I was wondering if you were going to hose me when my 6 month probations was over. Thank you for not betraying my trust in you.

Dear Idiot Coworkers,

Stop sending me dumb shit through our work email. Did you all eat a big heaping bowl of stupid or what?

Bill Gates is not going to send any of you dipshits millions of dollars for forwarding emails. Don't make me have to beat the stupid out of the lot of you.

Dear Self,

What the heck is up with always making a mess when trying to eat something? Stop it.

08-10-2008, 09:53 PM
Dear Marriage,

Why can't you give up the ghost already? Isn't almost 6 years of torment enough?


08-11-2008, 01:06 PM
Dear Shoulder,

I'm sorry I slept on you funny yesterday morning. I really am. Maybe you could take some things into consideration though...
-It's been a day and while yesterday you were a dull soreness, today you are a sharp pain going through my shoulder and trying to enter into my neck
-I was amazingly careful about how I slept last night to make sure not to injure anything further and to try to help you heal.
Please please stop hurting. I'm two Excedrine in and still in enough pain that work is going to be interesting and I may have to go home early which I don't really want to do. Considering it hurts to hold the phone to my ear with the arm that I answer the phone with, I may not have many options.

Dear J,

Thank you for medicating me. Really. You are once again, my hero.

Dear students,

Please don't call too much today. I have tons of work with the keys and my arm really hurts and I know this is the week before classes start. Could we wait on the mass last minute calling that we both know is going to plague my week untill after my arm doesn't hurt?

08-11-2008, 09:30 PM
Dear assorted members of the public.

Why don't you ever do anything wrong while I'm in my normal hours for the day, why must you torment me and keep doing things wrong while I'm en route back to the station so I have to deal with you and make me even more late.

Bog off.


Lioness Blackfire
08-12-2008, 06:42 AM
Dear American High-Voiced Male Olympic Gymnastics Sportscaster,

Shut up.
You are clearly a jinx, and whenever you say something too positive, people fall over. If you keep it up, I worry that something will blow up, or catch fire.
Please close your mouth, unless you are saying negative things.

Gymnastics Fan

Dear Blackheads,

Why are you so resilient? Have you been bitten by a radioactive spider? Come from another world and gained powers from our yellow sun? Been reincarnated from a princess on the moon? What? What is your secret?! I must know!

Searching for Krypton

08-14-2008, 12:51 PM
Dear Brain,

Please please wake up! I'd get you cafeine but I only have enough for one which I was hoping to get at lunch. Also, the carbonation over my burnt tongue would suck.

Dear Tongue,

I'm sorry. Some day I will learn to be patient and eat slower. It won't be any time soon though so future appologies as well.

08-14-2008, 03:50 PM
Dear IV line,
You are really pissing me off. Thank god you're getting replaced tomorrow.
Hatefully yours,
Dear doctors,
You just had to schedule the surgery for 7:30, didn't you? You do realize that this means Daddy and I have to wake up at 5 am so we can leave at 5:30? God, I hate waking up early.
Your patient,

08-15-2008, 03:01 PM
Dear media,

I realize that getting a bunch of atheletes all together in tights to show off the obvious superiority of Americans and defeating Communism by winning more medals is extremely important.

BUT, for the love of all that's holy, can we please talk a little bit more about this whole Russia/Georgia thing?? Because in the long run, I think that's a bit more important that the in-depth discussions about what Michael Phelps ate for breakfast yesterday.

08-15-2008, 07:14 PM
Dear Warner Bros.


one of Harry Potter's biggest fans.
(reference: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,404681,00.html)

08-15-2008, 07:43 PM
Dear Hearwave,

GO THE HECK AWAY!! This is the Northwest. It isn't suppose to be in the 90s. I don't like you. I thought I left you in Nevada and California. Go way!

Sweating in Washington

Dear AC in the office

PLEASE COME BACK! I love you, why did you go away? Without you here my coworkers and I get hot and cranky. Please come back.

Sweating in Washington

Dear People who fix our AC,

DIAF Then we can get a company that will fix the problem and we won't have to keep doing this. Also where the hell are you?

Grabbing the stupid stick to hit you with

08-15-2008, 10:26 PM
Dear Semi-Delirious when I'm sleeping without my C-PAP Machine because I have Sleep Apnea self,

Why do you chose the times I don't have the C-PAP hooked up to me to dream of Grandma? She's dead. No matter how much I wish it, she can't just show up, being all "Ta da! I'm back to being alive because I feel like it." So stop bringing her back in my dreams.

Sad & melancholy,

08-17-2008, 07:57 PM
Dear <Car Parts Store>

I'd like to say at this point that your staff member rocked, not only did he fit my new stereo for free he also fitted the widget that meant that I can also listen to the radio (something to do with connctors...), iPod goodness in my car awaits! :D


08-18-2008, 10:15 AM
Dear Green Rover Driver,

I would like to point out that the speed limit on the motorways in the UK is 70mph. I would also like to point out that the average speed is 80mph, therefore your speed of 40mph on the slip road and on the main carriageway is DANGEROUS, please learn how to drive properly.

Yours, annoyed


Dear Blue Seat Driver,

Don't cut me up again while we're travelling at 70(ish)mph again, else next time I might pay you a visit while I'm at work and explain to you the errors of your driving.

Yours, annoyed


Dear <local shop> owner,

Thank you very much for opening half an hour early for me so I could buy some bits for work, you spotted me from the other side of the car park when I looked at the opening hours and walked away, I was very grateful else I'd had to have sat there for half an hour and listen to music instead.

Yours, gratefully


Dear Work,

Why the hell do we have to buy our own carriage pouches, I know that the jackets we're supposed to use have lots of pockets but have you tried wearing them in August? No? Neither have I, as I'd rather not have heatstroke.


Yours, annoyed


08-18-2008, 02:22 PM
Dear favored former coworkers,

I gave you guys my new address, my 2 numbers (home AND cell) AND my email address.

You guys are slackers.

Don't make me hop on the damn Greyhound!!! :shaking fist:

Feeling unloved,


08-18-2008, 04:21 PM
Dear iTunes,

Let me make this really simple for you to understand.

Gotan, lets shake these letters around shall we? tanGo.

That's right, Tango, the South American dance.

So why doyou class Gotan Projct, a group that plays modern Tango with traditional instruments as electronica? Hmm


Yours, annoyed (as I appear to have been a fair amount recently)


08-18-2008, 11:17 PM
Not-So-Dear Ristorante Renato's,

Why were you closed tighter than Fort Knox when Husband & I showed up at our appointed reservation time last night? It was our 6th anniversary yesterday (8/17 - for those keeping track ;)). We almost had to go hungry and cranky on our anniversary night.

No Love,

Dear The Melting Pot,

You rock! Big time! We got roses, a vase, 2 $10 gift certificates to be used for future use, a picture AND a frame to put said picture in. Plus, the food was awesome! The Martinis were delicious too. ;)

I'm definitely coming back for my birthday! Woohoo!

Much love,

08-19-2008, 12:19 AM
Dear Voice,

I know I had my tonsils out last Tuesday. I'm sorry, it hurt, and it still hurts though it's getting better.

I'm hoping, voice, that soon you'll come back to your normal register, tone, and/or pitch.

Becuase right now I sound like a pixie. And pixies don't win Maniacal Laughter Contests.

Missing You,

08-19-2008, 04:42 AM
Dear August,

I hate you so much and that hate is renewed every single year. The only good thing about you is that my little guy's birthday is in August, otherwise you suck balls.

Hurry up and get over already!

Dear Stupid,

When BossMan tells you to keep your behind at your desk and do your work, he doesn't really mean screw off at your friend's desk. Yes, we have all seen you do it, but to do it the moment he is done telling you to get back to your desk is just down right disrespectful.

Also, yes, it was my real hair I use to put up in a bun, it was not fake hair, moron. The reason you don't see it today, is because I had my hair cut short on Saturday, you brain dead troll.

It was not because I got sick of wearing a fake bun. I was sick of having to put my hair up so it would stay out of my way.

Dear employees of our sister site,

Will you idiots please stop taking a phone number out of the dialer just because someone told you that you had the wrong number. Do you even read the notes that detail the conversations we have had with the customer at that phone number?

Stop being stupid I don't like having to waste time cleaning up your messes.

Oh, and the reason that most customers talk to us and hang up on you guys is because we don't feel the need to be rude to them.

Dear BossMan,

WTF?!? I mean really WTF?!? You bring food for a group that is not under you and don't bring any for us that are under you. We asked why and you didn't have an answer.

We work a hell of a lot harder than that group does and we aren't the ones screaming to our friends across the call floor, so what the hell is up with rewarding them and not us?

Yes, your group is still mad as hell about it

08-19-2008, 04:43 AM
Dear Fave Ex®'s Jeep--

You are the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

--An extremely pissed off me

************************************************** *****

Dear L--

Don't you DARE ask me about the whole AM thing, because I will NOT hesitate to go off on you.

I consider it to be your fault.


************************************************** ******

Dear Mom--

Thank you.


08-19-2008, 09:41 PM
Hello, Darlings!

You fucking know who you are. You are that group of male fucktards who feel as if you must lend confirmation to anything I say, simply because I am a woman and my assertion does not suffice. Worse than that, you also seem to be wholly ignorant of the definition of the word "opinion" (and, yes, women are equally notorious for their violation of this concept).

Don't make inquiries concerning my point of view if you are doing so with the aim of dissecting the rectitude of my personal preferences.

08-19-2008, 10:13 PM
Dear H-
Please please please tell me how the FUCK a grown woman can leave a candle burning on the CARPETED FLOOR, next to her BED, under a WINDOW, to go next door to drink? How could you be so FUCKING STUPID as to endanger lives that way? And then, when you're told the apartment is on FIRE, go back in, MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES, just to get your stuff, thus endangering further the lives of those trying to get you OUT of the fucking building?! Then you have the NERVE to run off, when all of us are sitting on the curb, wondering if, because of your stupidity, we're going to lose everything? WHAT THE FUCK?!


Dear M,
I love you, more than anything in the world save for my son. I am sooo proud of you for doing what you did last night, but please Please PLEASE don't ever scare me like that again. I don't think my heart could handle watching you run back into a burning building, even if it is to get people out. You are wonderful.
I love you


Dear Louisville Fire & Rescue,
You guys rock! You got here faster than I imagined possible, even if it did feel like an eternity, it wasn't more than three minutes. You got the fire contained, and saved not only everything all of us in the building owned, but the lives of innocent animals that we were not able to get out of the building. You were very kind to us, and understanding when we were almost histerical with fear. You guys are heroes, really and truley and we are eternally grateful.
Much Love


Dear Guy-across-the-street.
Man I owe you big time. You didn't have to bring us drinks, or bring me one of your shirts. No one else did, even when they saw I couldn't breath in the corset I was stuck in, since I couldn't get into my home for a looser shirt. I can't remember your name, but if I ever need a taxi, you're totally getting my business man!

08-20-2008, 01:57 PM
Dear Self,

Please stop being so clumsy. Walking around today with a good cut on the bottom of my foot is going to be all sorts of awesome. Cutting it on the computer was even better. At least you managed not to bleed all over the carpets even if it took you forever to find where J keeps the bandaids.

Dear J,

You're my best friend. I'm known for being clumsy. I believe that most if not all of the bandaids in your first aid kit were used up by me at some point or another. Why do you not have a box of bandaids in your bathroom or something? I'm getting a box to stash at your place.

Dear teachers,

Thank you for bombarding me with key requests for the same 10-15 keys. Thank you also for being grumpy with me when I tell you that I have to have the key copied. Yes, this may take a day or more. We have about 5 officers who can let you into your classroom whenever you need. Their jobs are mostly opening doors and keeping fighting/clogged hallways to a minumum. Oh and by the way, they are police, not security.

Dear Boss,

Thank you . I didn't get the key organization done in time because I thought key requests would start coming in later. I've been having to finish up during whatever free points I get. This means that everything is just a little bit disorganized. Thank you for having patience with it and actually being suportive about it as well.

Lioness Blackfire
08-20-2008, 06:05 PM
Dear American High-Voiced Male Olympic Gymnastics Sportscaster,

Thank you for taking my advice. :D

Gymnastics Fan

Dear K,

Lay off on the stubborn a little bit, okay? You're always frustrating, but being stubborn and contradictory was a little too much. It's one or the other: either you're right about everything, or you don't know anything. You can't have it both ways.

By the way, just because you went to that school for two years longer than me doesn't make you right. They did turn the lobby of the women's bathroom into a tiny little men's room and leave the women's room where it has always been, and there was never a storage closet there. (The storage closet you're thinking of is down the hall.)

Frustrated love,

08-20-2008, 06:38 PM
Dear various search engines and online shops,

As much as I support Team USA in the Olympics, I would like to find t-shirts and whatnot for other countries. Yes, I know that might make me a bit odd, but that's the way I am.

Why can't I find anything? :cry: My Google-fu must be broken.


08-21-2008, 05:35 PM
Dear Students

I do not need the 5 minute intro. Honestly. Hearing about who you are, what your family's involvement is, what your other options were, etc on and on until finally you get to the point of "and so what I need to know is how to ...." If you had said that in the first place I could have already transfered you. I don't care who you are. Stop offering me your social security numbers!!! Stop telling me where you need to go and then cutting me off and going into this huge rant about why and then ending it with your first statement of where you need to go. I honestly don't give a damn about your story. I just want to get you transfered so I can get back to my other work. I'm not sure why people have been in a sharing mood lately but I'd like it if it would stop please!

08-21-2008, 08:20 PM
Dear Sister and Brother in Law:

Thank you for letting me stay with you for a few days. Brother in Law, thank you for getting my stuff. Thank you for letting my cat have a slight break down in your guest bedroom because he had no clue what was going on. Oh yeah, and thank you for loving me.

I don't say this enough, but I love you very much and you are the best sister (and brother in law) a girl could ask for.


your little sister

Dear Momma,

Thank you for getting on a plane last minute when I needed you. Thank you for dealing with a cat that doesn't like cars on a ten hour drive home. Thank you for letting me stay in your guest room. Thank you for letting me use your internet and thank you for putting me in touch with your real estate agent friend. Thank you for loving me and being the best Momma ever.


your daughter

Dear Uncle D,

Thank you for working with me like that at the drop of a hat. The job you have worked out for me is even better than I could have hoped for. Thank you for working with me when I'm a bit of a mess right now. I promise not to let you down.

And thank you for your offer to be an investor in the company I've wanted to start since high school. I'll think about it and get back to you.


your great-niece (and new office manager)

Dear kitty,

I know your world is a little crazy right now and I'm sorry. Please keep getting along with Momma's kitty. We'll only be here a couple more weeks, depending on the closing date. Thank you for being such a snuggle kitty. I promise we'll have a permanent home soon and that your world will go back to normal (well, until April when you get a human sibling. Your world might be a little weird then!)



Dear baby,

I know I'm stressed out and I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a good Mommy and stay calm, but I'm going through a lot. But do you really have to make me feel horrible and feel like I'm going to puke for two weeks straight? Can we PLEASE stop this?


your Mommy

Dear JW,

I'm not coming back. There's a reason I changed my phone number without telling you. I have also sent you a letter (okay, so technically a lawyer at my uncle's firm did, but it's on my behalf) stating that you have to move your number somewhere because when I pay this months bill? So disconnecting your line from my service. You have two more weeks but don't seem to be doing anything about it.

Also, please stop calling people you think might now where I am to find out where I am. Yes, they tell me you called them. No, they will not tell you where I am. Most of THEM don't know where I am; I'm just talking to them by e-mail. I gave you more chances than you probably deserved.

It's not my fault you never paid attention enough to even begin to have an idea where I might be. If you had, it probably wouldn't be that hard to figure out. Lucky for me you're a bit self absorbed, I guess.

No love,

your ex-girlfriend

08-21-2008, 10:56 PM
Dear Bike saddle,


That is all.

Yours, painfully


08-21-2008, 11:34 PM
Dear Body,

Why must you arbitrarily decide to get insomnia when I actually need some form of energy.

Tiredly yours, Trayol

08-22-2008, 04:36 AM
Dear Becks--

OH MY GOD!!!! I am soooooooooooooooooo surprised.


08-22-2008, 07:05 PM
Dear V

I appreaciate you telling me you were going to grab some food. Really. It's a step up from when you would just wander off like one of those nursing home patients who are a flight risk. But if you're going to be gone for a fucking hour say so! I'm really fucking tired of this. I'd love to go talk to Chief but you'll just once again try to make it sound like it's a personal attack because I have a problem with you and that I'm a liar. Fuck you. I'm tired of it.

08-22-2008, 09:31 PM
Dear Owner's Pet:

I know my posture is a bit bad (it is my body afterall). I know I growled at you yesterday when you grabbed my shoulders and pulled my upper torso back against my chair. As evidenced by my reaction, that hurts if done suddenly especially if I am being pulled into something unyielding like a chair back. Not to mention that if I am grabbed from behind in any fashion, my natural reaction is to attempt to hurt whoever's doing it. You're lucky I knew you were there (and largely prevented by the chair and my desire for continued employment from doing anything I would regret).

I'm aware there is a language barrier, but in my eyes that is not a justifiable excuse for grabbing me (or anyone) at all, nor my belongings. Please STOP.


Dear Ex,

I know you're hurting because you can't get a job. I am sympathetic, but ultimately it's really not my problem. You made the decision to not avail yourself of the academic help that was given free and drop out of college. You also made the piss-poor decision to see how long you could mooch off your family. I have my own shit to worry about. I really don't care about your schemes (none of which I think will work) to prevent your car from being repo'ed. You don't get to hear about my job until you yourself get one.

08-22-2008, 11:42 PM
Dear erasily_ani,

It sounds like you're getting things back together. Good for you, I'm still pulling for ya! Hugs to you and kitty and baby!

08-23-2008, 02:05 PM
Dear Dreamstalker,

Thanks! I'm working on it. Give me about six weeks and my life should be somewhere around stable and normal.

The kitty definitely appreciates the hugs. The baby? Well, it stopped moving for a second, then said "F*ck it" and started making Momma feel like crap again. :rolleyes: Silly baby.

08-24-2008, 04:29 AM
Dear coworkers,

Yes, I am taking Monday off and no I don't think it's any of your business as to why. I will always take Aug. 25th off and I will never tell any of you why. It's my business and not something I care to discuss with any of you.

Yes, my friend does know why and she won't tell any of you either, because she knows how painful it would be for me to come in on Tuesday and have all you bringing it up.

I don't want you all asking me why again on Tuesday, it's still none of your business. I tried to be polite about it, but I will go off if you all keep pushing it.

Just leave me alone, thanks.

Dear friend,

You don't know how much it means to me that you don't take it personal when I'm lashing out. I don't mean to, it's just that August always has me torn in opposite directions.

Also, thank you for refusing to tell every nosy coworker why I am not coming in on Monday.

You don't know how much it means to me that you are a such a great friend, even if you do give me those "why aren't you in a straight jacket yet?" looks when I think something is so funny I can't stop laughing about it and you don't really see the humor in it. The best example is the onion joke. I know you and my husband don't think it's funny, but my kids and I find it the height of funny.

Plus, when I'm rambling you don't tell me shut the hell up. I joke that you haven't told me that YET! :p

Dear husband,

Thank you for finally getting new tires on the car. I was worried more than you know that you would be in accident with those tires that were BALD! Geez!

I'm still really angry that you will be going to work on Monday. You have no idea.

Dear daughter,

Yes, I know I'm a huge meanie face right now, but you will see why I did what I did when you are older and you will glad I was tough on you. I only do things because I love you, not because I like being a huge meanie.

Dear oldest son,

I hope you do well at the main campus High School. I'm still going to worry about you, though. I'm a mom, it's my job.

Also, you crack me up. I like that we have the same sense of humor, even if others don't get it.

Dear little guy,

Happy Birthday to you on the 24th! I can't believe you are going to be 10 already.

I know you don't want me to walk you to school on the first day and you claim that you will just die of embarrassment. I worry, deal! I promised that you can walk yourself after the first day.

08-24-2008, 02:46 PM
Dear Child,

I am not the damn garbage disposal. When you're done with your breakfast/lunch/dinner plate, you will put it in the sinnk. I don't care if it has food on it or not. That's where it goes. :mad:

Your Mommy

F:censored: You Husband,

1. Do not laugh when your daughter implies I am the human garbage disposal of the family. It is not funny. I didn't even laugh.

2. I am no longer cooking you breakfast on the weekends. If you don't like what I eat, f:censored: you! Make whatever you like. I'm through with being nice to you.

Your Wife

08-24-2008, 05:20 PM
Dear Boything,

I love you so very much, even through all the shit and problems and complications in our lives. The seizures and the hormonal issues and the money and all of that... It doesn't matter. I'm able to look past them, look through them and just be with you, to be happy.

You left this morning. You moved back to Calgary, and I couldn't come with you. I don't have the money, the space or the job to live there with you yet. I don't know how long it will be till I can, and that's killing me. Seeing you drive away was one of the most painful goodbyes of my life. I hope that school goes well for you and fills that void in your life that was making you so sad.

I will be there as soon as I can, to support you and love you and be with you through everything... It hurts so much to not have you with me, but I know this is the right thing to do, this is what we need to do.

I love you. Don't get into too much trouble without me.

08-25-2008, 03:42 PM
Dear Lizziebeff,

I'm glad you liked your surprise. :D

Sorry my apartment got cold. I would've closed a window or two...or something.

Miss you!!!



08-25-2008, 04:07 PM
Dear local Bi-Lo,

Thank you for finally stocking the Mama Rosa's pizzas. I left two packs for the nice cashier because he said they were his favourite. However, I WILL be back next Sunday to get more.

Please keep stocking the only thing i buy from you,

Dear Hair-dye,

uhm...I know I probably wasn't supposed to leave the burgandy dye in for an hour but did you have to go almost black? Not that I dislike it, mind you. It rocks that I can have this dark of a colour. Now I seriously need to upgrade my camera so I can post pictures.

Thanks for making me feel good,

Dear Used Bookstore,


You have been warned. :devil:

Dear Boss-Lady,
5:30-9? That's not fair! Comeone, I use up more gas to get there than I make money for! You know I'm saving up for a motorbike, give me a chance to make at least a quarter of what I need! You don't want your Pony sad, do you? :(:cry:

08-27-2008, 01:08 AM
Dear glasses,


That is all.



Dear left ear,

Why do you look swollen and feel a little bit funny?




Dear T,

Still miss you.


08-27-2008, 06:33 AM
Dear TTO

You know what I want for my birthday. It's the same thing I've been wanting for every gift-giving occasion for the past two years. Please don't let me down. I don't think my psyche can handle it again. Even though it's mostly my fault for thinking "Oooh, maybe THIS time he'll do it!" and then the day comes and...you don't....

08-28-2008, 02:56 AM
Dear Dad,

I know that you never got to have the life you envisioned. That sucks. I also know that as you approach the same age Grandpa was when he died, you've started going through a midlife crisis and contemplating your own mortality. But the way you're reacting is juvenile and dangerous. Drinking? Again? Really? And that's "not so bad". You're a f*cking drunk. And yes, it is so bad. It's terrible, because you have such a temper and get such a kick for making Mom feel guilty. I don't want you guys to get a divorce, but if it would keep you from killing each other, then go ahead. Because frankly, you're going to force Big Sis and me to choose between the two of you. I know what Mom did...12 freakin' years ago. You chose to stay. You chose to marry her when you chose not to wear a condom and 'tada!' had a baby. Your CHOICE. Stop acting like the rebellious teenager you never got to be. And if you do something stupid when Mom comes up to visit like you did last time she visited..remember? When you took a whole bunch of sleeping pills then got in my truck that had JUST got fixed? And wrecked it? TWICE? Yeah, if there's a repeat of that, I may not forgive you. I have too much going on up here to be worried sick about the latest idiotic thing you're going to do to yourself. I can't take care of you or Mom. I'm trying to do the most important thing I've ever done for myself. If something happens to either of you, I'm not going to be able to do that, thus robbing me of my dream just as your dream was robbed from you.

Just. Please. STOP.

~ Your Little Girl

08-28-2008, 06:30 AM
Dear random friend who called me at three AM, and was drunk,

WHY?! I was half awake for a interview I had for a article and at three AM you have the unmitigated drunken gall to call me at that hour. Be glad that I was not fully awake.

Dear iPod,

Please continue playing the brilliance that is A Tribe Called Quest.

Dear the_STD,

Hang in there!


08-28-2008, 12:17 PM
Dear mind,

These dreams have to stop. Please. I'm so exhausted from starting out my days in a frustrated mood because of these dreams. I haven't had bad dreams in years, and even then, not this often. I'm not sure what's going on or what to even do about it. I just know it needs to stop. I was actually doing better in general and was happy. Then you hit and between the bad dreams getting ideas into my head and then me having to struggle not to think about those ideas all day, it's been going a bit downhill. I just need a break and a chance to catch my balance.

Dear work,

Interesting and fun though you've been, please let today be a slow day.

08-28-2008, 03:31 PM
Dear bf,

Your moodiness is getting unbearable. I honestly feel this has become a one sided relationship. We haven't even been together for 2 months yet you have barely anything to say to me, on the phone and when we hang out. I feel I like you more than you like me.

I don't know why you have nothing better to talk about than your stupid car and your stupid motorcycle. All you ever talk about is what you want to do to both. You barely say anything when I desperately try to get a conversation going. All you say is "Uh huh" "Mhmmm" and "Yep".

So I figured I'd back off a bit. Maybe I was coming on too strong. I stopped telling you I miss you. I stopped sending you stuff on Facebook. I stopped asking you if you were excited for the next time we are going to meet up. And guess what? I don't think you've even noticed. I don't think you even care.

I'm only going to keep this shit up a little while longer. I'm giving you some space and backing off. You aren't noticing. You are just as apathetic towards me as you were already. If you don't snap the fuck out of it or tell me the god damn truth sometime soon, then I'm going to rock your world and end it with you. Because I can't do this forever, and I will NOT spend another series of weeks or months just waiting for the dreaded day that I hear "This isn't going to work" or "We need time apart".

Think about what you want. Because I'm already starting to make up my mind. If you don't start putting any effort into this relationship and if you don't find those things called BALLS and tell the damn truth (if you really DON'T want to be in a relationship) then get ready for what I'll have to say soon!


08-28-2008, 09:06 PM
Dear Boss:

If I leave a note on a machine reading "RAM dead, needs minimum 1GB PC3200" with the dead stick pulled and marked as such, please do not pop any old stick in there to get it back to the customer. The same machine came back today for RAM errors...what did I find? A 1GB stick of PC2700 which I had binned the previous day because your assistant killed it. And no, we have no PC3200 in the shop and I seriously doubt the two unmarked sticks in the corner of the display case are the correct ones.

08-28-2008, 10:41 PM
Dear blas:

The ex did that, and then tried to twist it/pin it all on me. Some guys just don't get it and possibly never will. Good luck.

08-29-2008, 12:36 AM
Dreamstalker, how in the world could your SO be able to turn it around and pin it on you? I don't get it.......unless he was nuts.

I never thought about that until now..

08-29-2008, 02:44 AM
Dear erasily's baby,

Please don't make your mommy sick for the entire nine months like my cousin's kids did to her (all 3 of them! - can you say "vasectomy"? I knew you could!). She needs to feel good to get things ready for you.

some sympathetic chick in Jersey

08-29-2008, 03:28 AM
Dear blas:

I'm not entirely sure myself...he tried to say I was the one who "didn't want to talk about us" when each time I tried, he derailed the discussion with his latest conspiracy theory or how he couldn't find a job (and many moons ago, expected to show up at my doorstep with no money and no job and me to be happy about it). Yeah, he was also nuts. Whether the nuttiness contributed to or was caused by his choices of the last couple years I know not.


Dear Owner's Pet:

For the love of Hastur, if you want to apply vinyl lettering to a six-foot window, do NOT stand on a computer case balanced on the window ledge. Modern tower cases were never designed to support the weight of any person. Better yet, just let me do it.

08-29-2008, 02:22 PM
Dear BookstoreEscapee,

Thank you for the letter to the baby. S/he listened to you. Won't listen to ME, but listened to you.

I should get your number and put you on speed dial for when s/he won't listen to me once s/he is born. Maybe it'll work then too. :p

So thanks. I feel much better today.

08-29-2008, 02:38 PM
Dear HOA President,

It's raining. You haven't cancelled our "walk around and hand out flyers" If you think I'm walking around in the rain tonight then I'll suddenly have to go to New York on business.

Dear Cla**** Bl*** Company,

I call bullshit. You just don't feel like sending me information. The stuff I was asking for from you I keep in a drawer for situations like these. Don't tell me you don't have it. Liars.

Dear Owner of the company I work for,


Giggle Goose
08-29-2008, 02:59 PM
Dear Ungrateful Brats I Played Beer Pong with at FedEx Field last night,

YOU LOST! Get over it! Not only were you lucky enough to get to play on my Dad's beer pong table and getting a chance to play with the best in the "business," but we supplied you with fucking HEINEKEN!

You walked off in a huff without saying "thanks" or anything? You certainly got drunk enough off the beer that we supplied you with.

To the guy in the Campbell jersey: I'm really glad that after the game your girlfriend found out that the girl I played with was the chick you were CHEATING on her with while your son was in the fucking hospital, you fucking moron! I wish the "Cheaters" camera crew could have been there, it would have been a fucking riot.

So even though you're a bunch of sore losers, thanks for the entertainment.



Dear Latin American sex dynamo,

Get the fuck over yourself. You're not God's gift to women. Certainly not this one anyway.

I wonder if that little innocent farm-girl pop tart you took up with appreciates how you insult American people on a daily basis and talk about how much better your country is and how you only live here so you can race that car you so blatantly overcompensate with. Just don't blame me when her redneck dad shoots your dumb ass with one of his prized rifles.


08-29-2008, 04:08 PM
Dear Carrie Underwood:

Your song "Starts With Goodbye" has inspired me to reach deep down and get the balls and bravery to do what I have to do. Who'da thunkit?

Lioness Blackfire
08-30-2008, 06:04 AM
Dear Brand-New Undergarment,

You are rainbow-colored, which is awesome. But what am I supposed to wear you under?

Confusedly yours,

Dear Technological-Guyfriend,

It's been over two months since you moved all the way across the country. For the love of god, call me! I'd call you, but I don't know when you're available, whereas I am always available, and you know it. Okay, four months ago you did manage to call me on one of the three nights I actually needed to sleep this year. But those are all over now. Call me!

Love love,
your Spiritual-Ladyfriend

Dear Washing Machine,


That is all.

Dear Mom,

My voice =/= professional male announcer's voice.
Also, those eggs were not pink.

Your Daughter

Amethyst Hunter
08-31-2008, 05:50 AM
Dear Cousin A,

YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT. People like you make me so mad sometimes. I keep my nose out of trouble, I've never even done half the shit you have, and yet you're going to get 'rewarded' for your mess while I can't seem to catch a break in life. You not only screw over yourself by doing what you did, you've screwed up someone else's life and you've made it that much harder for certain others to be taken seriously. Thanks a lot, dumbass. You have just won a free trip to Fail City on the Failboat at the Fail Motel and a side of Fail Salad. :mad:


08-31-2008, 02:07 PM
Dear TTO's parents

I love you guys to bits, I really do. But you've been "visiting" for three weeks, and this house ain't big enough for 4 people. Please leave soon! I miss my house!


Dear TTO

If you ever invite your parents over again for an extended period and don't tell me? I'll check into a hotel on YOUR dime. I don't mind them visiting, I love them like my own, but I can't handle having 4 people in a place where there's only enough space for 2, and one bathroom. I live here too. I pay rent too. Either clue me in, or pay a huge hotel bill.


09-01-2008, 03:50 AM
dear headache,

PLEASE go away, I love my temples not sounding like a bass drum.


dear kitten,

I love you, but because I go out for the day doesn't mean that I've been gone for months! I love you being affectionate, but tripping me is a bit much!

Dear idiot who ran the stop light today!

that was red...and had been red....red is NOT a suggestion! what if you had hit the guy following the law?


Dear person that nearly hit the idiot above mentioned,

I'm very sorry for the almost heart attack, if you had hit him, I'd of GLADLY stayed and witnessed that he ran the stop light, not you.


Dear muse

OK 13 month vacation is OVER!! lets right this book....i got all the ideas, but now lets get them down on paper!

09-01-2008, 11:13 AM
Dear Door to guest bedroom,

I spent a while sanding your warped ass so you would close properly, and then repainting you after the sanding.

Why when I went to close you after the paint was dry did you start sticking again? Now I have to sand you down more, and hopefully just touch up a few spots.


Dear Female Dog,

We never got you fixed because there was never a reason, and money. Now we have boy dog, and he's getting neutered in two weeks. I don't know why you had to go into Heat now, but thankfully he doesn't seem to understand what you want when you point your ass straight up in the air in front of him. Stop it now you horny thing. I don't want babies!

Yes I probably should have had you fixed, but seeing as how you hadn't really been in heat for like 2 years prior I didn't think much of it.

09-02-2008, 03:10 PM
Dear Myself:

You are a coward and a wimp. How could you allow yourself to be swooned by a guy who has been so mood-swingy and completely mercurial for nearly the past month, showing almost zero interest in you except when he sees you (and even THEN he barely shows interest)....how could you be so ready to tell him to shit or get off the pot....and then be swooned when he was in a surprisingly good mood and you had a great weekend together.....you know what's going to happen, yes you do.....you were seething inside when he barely talked on the phone last night, he'll do the same tonight and you'll be seething again...........you know what you have to do.....so fucking DO IT......you know the cycle is not going to end and he's only happy and fun to be with when he's in a good mood....you KNOW it's too late and somehow he's lost interest in you and he doesn't have the balls to say anything....you KNOW what happened the last time you knew a relationship was going downhill but you sat there holding on to hope and nothing but hope, and on the worst day possible, he ended it.....do you want that to happen again? Do you want to sit and twiddle your thumbs and get your heart broken by him on a good day, or do you want to take initiative and do the RIGHT thing? It will hurt either way, but it will hurt less to do it yourself! You learned before, waiting around trying to change things doesn't work. When a guy has lost interest, he's lost it, and there is nothing that will make him like you the same again. So just TELL HIM what's up, see what he says (or most likely won't say) and do what you have to do, before you sit and stew and stress and he gets the benefit of ruining your day for you sometime in the future!

Blas, you wussy, DO IT....


09-02-2008, 04:45 PM
Dear Fellow Treadmill Walker,

It sure is fun to work up a sweat, isn't it? No, don't mind me...I only turned the channel to Comedy Central well before you got there, then you decided to take the treadmill in front of the TV. It's all good. Oh, what's that? Oh, you want me to turn it down because you CAN'T HEAR THE PERSON YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO ON YOUR CELL PHONE EVER SINCE YOU WALKED INTO THE FITNESS CENTER UNDER THE ASSUMPTION OF WORKING OUT BUT APPARENTLY WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED TO DO WAS WALK AND TALK?

Seriously, you wanted to walk on the treadmill and knowing I got there first, go RIGHT in front of the TV, then asked that I turn it down. Here's some advice I've had to give my daughter. She's two, by the way, and understands this basic concept. If you're going to use something, use it. If not, I WILL. If her cartoons are on, but she leaves the room to go play with her toys, I'm not going to ask her to turn the TV off, I'm going to change it to video 1 and play me some more Tales of Vesperia.

And guess what? That's taught her a very important, basic rule that apparently you haven't learned yet: sharing. You don't want to watch/listen to the TV? Why would you EVER get on the treadmill RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT when I already had it set up? If you have a phone call to take, you probably shouldn't be working out. And even though it's not my place to tell you that, it is mine to tell you you're an enormous douche pending a megaton teabagging a la me.


"Teabags. The other white meat."

Rainbows and Shotguns,

Gun Sage

09-09-2008, 02:13 PM
Dear Daddy

I love you, I do. I understand you want the best for myself and TTO. But please stop nagging about us coming to Canada. It will happen, I promise. But there some things that need to be done (like get married!) before we can come over. And please stop telling me I have no qualifications - what the hell is my MCSE then????

your upset daughter

09-09-2008, 06:34 PM
dear lungs,


annoyed , me.

Amethyst Hunter
09-10-2008, 06:24 AM
Dear Blas,

You're not a coward, or a wimp, or a wussy, or anything like that. You're just human. It's human to want to make something you invested a lot of time and effort into work, even when it's painfully obvious it's *not* working. At least you have the sense to recognize this. Now that you know the mistake, you can correct it. And we here at CS have faith in your asskicking abilities. ;)

To steal a quote from Barack Obama, "Yes, You Can!" You can do what you know you need to do. Rip that stale bandaid of a soon-to-be-ex off and we'll provide the Bactine** to ease the stinging.

Cheering you on,

AH :)

(** = Bactine is goooooooood stuff. Smells nice, disinfects *and* takes the sting out of any open wound!)


Dear Weather,

Thank you for turning so nice and cool. This makes my frosted little flake of a heart muchly happy, as I am one of the Evil Cold-Loving People who reviles the dreaded Heat. *hiss*

Pleased to see you again,


09-10-2008, 08:37 AM
Dear Doucheasaurus Rex,

I know it was the final day of Bumbershoot. I know. Hell, The Offspring was next! But WHY did you have to light up that joint not two feet from me during Paramore!? I've been smelling weed ever since and I don't like it.


Dear LazyTown producers,

If that cake song doesn't get out of my head immediately, I'm going to die.


09-11-2008, 03:56 AM
"Dear" fucktard trucker in Kentucky--


How can you just ditch someone with whom you have plans to help him get back home...especially AFTER he paid you for it??

I hate you more then words can ever say.


09-11-2008, 04:21 AM
Dear Lizziebeff,

Should I gather that Fave Ex© is having travel issues?

Or is this something totally unrelated?



09-11-2008, 11:13 PM
Dear Owner:

I know I didn't finish building the shop test rig. I told you why, and dressing me down for 10 minutes is not going to change the fact that a 478 heatsink will not fit on a 775 motherboard. Even if it would fit, I told you when you were asking me what parts I wanted that I cannot apply enough downward force on a board that is mounted in the case and to please find a model that used a bracket and clips [what I was given used no bracket at all, plastic "pushpins", and by design could not be attached unless the board was in the case]. That is not going to change tomorrow. "You've been here for three weeks" holds no water when you've been ignoring my requests for a shop rig until today.

Yes, the case panel LEDs got swapped. That's really not that big of a deal as long as I know about it, and TBH I couldn't really see the mobo header markings due to the general lack of good lighting in the place.

Hovering over my shoulder while I'm doing stuff is not going to make it go faster, nor is demanding I do it a different way when I'm already in the middle of the process. You have your way, I have my way. They both get the intended result. Telling me what I'm supposed to do as I'm starting to do it does not help either.

Mildly bitter tech whose skills are frankly being wasted right now

will be a working shop rig, so why do the exact parts matter?...except it's AMD kit and I don't want to waste my precious Opteron on this guy]

09-12-2008, 08:45 AM
Dear Texas drivers:
I know you don't like the speed I drive. I know you don't like that I actually go the speed limit. Do NOT drive right up on my bumper. If I can't see your tires in my rearview, you can't see my tires in front of you, which means you're too damn close! Also: I should not have to look both directions when crossing a one way street because you don't care about the rules of the road.

Dear Texas employers:
Yes, I wear nail polish every so often. It's no different from women wearing nail polish. I'm generally very cheerful, and affect a childlike manner. I like colors in my life, and being different, because it makes you think for once in your pathetic existence.

Dear Radio blasters:
Just stop. I don't want to hear your music about how you objectify women. I don't want to hear your music denigrate a person because they have more melanin in their skin. I don't want to hear about your appreciation of Bling. I do it too, and, you know what? I can do it appropria-, oh, Shiney!

Dear Carlos Mencia:
You're a racist asshole, but you make a few good points. Not many, but they are there.

Dear Larry T. Cableguy:
You're a racist asshole, you recycle old "Good ol' boys" jokes, and your damn phrase has been spreading like mental herpes. Every time I hear someone say that phrase/word (depends on the drawl) I want to gargle molten boron. Plus, you don't even have a farmer's tan to go with that damned sleeveless everything wardrobe you own... you look ri-gods-damn-diculous!

Dear Hollywood:
Halle Berry, Larry T Cableguy, Billy Bob Thornton, Jessica Simpson, and J Lo are NOT worthy of having their own movies. Stop doing it! And stop making unnecessary sequels!

I'm done.

09-12-2008, 12:27 PM
I want to gargle molten boron.

Dear Juwl,

Nobody does it like molton boron!

09-13-2008, 02:53 AM
Dear Juwl,

Nobody does it like molton boron!

ArachnoSpores: The deadly spray with the funny name.

Dear Mika:
OMG, want. You're hawt, and your music makes me smile.

Dear Saturn (Los Bastardos player):
You and Halo are a damned cute couple. Proposing to her in the middle of 'Damnit Janet' was absolutely the best night LB has had since I started attending. Hope the two of you have a lasting marriage, and beautiful kids.

Dear Halo:
Showing up to the Video Game theme show as Princess Peach! Excuse me, I'm afraid I may have to hump you a bit. I guess I should be glad you were the one to show up as Seph as well, and fought Cody (as Cloud) during the pre show... and then, Chell and a companion cube! You picked an amazing trifecta of Hot!

Dear Cody:
Why the hell do I now see you as Cloud and no one else? I can't even see you as Eddie any longer, since Mary seems to have taken the role mostly.

Dear Wolf:
Not even blinking at my having a tampon in my bag that week... apparently, your GF doesn't know you very well. She thought my idea was twisted, and would elicit some response. But, nothing?

Dear Terry Pratchett:
Sorry if I unintentionally borrow plot devices from Disc World. I swear, I don't do it intentionally. My mind latches on to bizarre thoughts while I read your books, and I stop remembering whether they were actually part of the story or just my mind free-associating.

Dear myself:
You look better in the short skirt, not that frumpy ass black, floor length wrinkled-y one... Definitely need to start on those two major building projects in your head. Should look heavily into the Guildhall, see how much it would cost to at least get up toward a Bachelors, if not a Master's, in Game Design.

(Note: Just did those to offset my hugely anti-life post earlier)

09-13-2008, 08:08 PM
Dear boss,

Congratulations, you've successfully driven away your GM and her AM, and now you're driving away your newest SM/AM (me) as well. With a little luck, you might even be able to drive away your business partner, and then you can have all the control in the world over your little empire. I hope you realize what damage you're doing to the store soon, because it's a great little place that has a lot of potential. But if you continue to piss off your managers, the place is going to collapse.


Your Bitter Employee.

09-14-2008, 04:58 AM
Dear Becks--

Words canNOT describe how incredibly awesome you are!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!! LMAO


Irving Patrick Freleigh
09-14-2008, 05:59 AM
Dear paid-off WAC refs:



http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/taunt005.gif http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/taunt005.gif http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/taunt005.gif


Shit, where has the time gone? I better get to bed already. I'm coming up on being awake for 22 hours straight. :eek:

09-14-2008, 11:56 AM
Dear Ber,

I'm glad your BP went down and you're finally starting to feel better.

Dear Ber's Doctor,

This is the 3rd time she's been in for this since summer began. Obviously it's not the birth control anymore! Please find out what's wrong with her.

09-18-2008, 03:36 PM
Dear Ber's New Doctor,

I hope you figure it out. Is the pneumonia the only issue?

Dear Cody,

I'm sorry to have to neuter you, but it's better for all of us. I'm praying you're doing well. You're a good boy.

09-19-2008, 03:54 PM
Dear Fidget's Teeth,

Come in already! You're making him a grumpy baby, and he's never a grumpy baby.

Fidget's Mommy

Dear Fisher Price,

Thank you for making the Galloping Fun Jumperoo. Really. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!


Dear BF,

You suck. I love you, but you suck.


09-19-2008, 04:13 PM
Dear T-Mobile,

You suck long and hard. Why don't you provide service to Green Bay? I'm now on my third number (second in WI) and this one is for near Sheboygan...and it's the closest I'll get to having a local number.

If it wasn't for the fact that I got a new phone at the end of June (before I knew I was moving) and thus got sucked into another two years, I'd go to Verizon. Unfortunately, I can't afford the early termination fee.

It's a shame, too. Before this I had absolutely NO complaints.




Dear V,

I love you, but holy biscuit. Unless you're going to buy me more minutes for my Tracfone so I can do the whole texting thing, lay off the texting all the time. It's not cheap, you know.




Dear T.

Still miss you. :wave:

I might have to harass you and the rest of the meat room later.



09-19-2008, 04:33 PM
Dear Body,

Stop falling apart!

That is all,

09-19-2008, 06:34 PM
Dear SB,

I've worked for the guy for 7 years now. I could have told you that's what he's like.

Anyway, complaining to me does absolutely no good. It's about as good as complaining to the laborers in the plant.

I'm not sure what you expect me to do from this e-mail you sent me, however I would hope you don't expect me to persuade him.

Seriously stop all this going through me shit. I want nothing to do with this whole thing, I'm just doing my job I don't want the headache of what you keep pushing on me.

09-19-2008, 07:19 PM
Dear Cardboard,

Please go away. I never want to look at you or slice my hands up on you again.

Thank you,

Your Nemesis.

09-19-2008, 11:04 PM
Dear Ex-Idiot,

You are an ass. I could say that I wish you'd die, but I don't. I still love you, and that's why all of this hurts so goddamn much. I don't like finding out the things I've found out about you in the past two weeks, and I'm so FARKING SICK of all your lies. I'm so glad I'm not fighting you for custody anymore. Now then, give me my farking divorce and the title of my car so I never, Ever, EVER have to deal with you again.... Oh yeah, tell your slut I said Hi.

Painfully yours


Dear MIL
How DARE you try to take my son away from me. Who the HELL do you think you are? You think that just because you're his grandmother you can have him? Try again. -I- am his mother, -I- carried him for 8 1/2 months, -I- nearly died to bring him into this world, NOT YOU. So kiss my ass and give me my baby.
I hate you.


Dear Fiance
I love you so much. Thank you for sticking by me, even though I know I've been an uber bitch lately. Thank you for being understanding. Thank you for considering my son OUR son, even though he's not biologically yours and you've never met him. Thank you for saying we have a child, not that I have a child. You have been my rock, and are wonderful. Please stay that way, I couldn't bear to lose you too.

Love forever always and a day


Dear Everyone on CS,
Thank you for being here and listening, and not flaming, even though I made some really big mistakes in all this. Thank you for bearing with my mental break downs and taking them in stride. And thank you thank you thank you for helping me through this! All the advice and positive thoughts mean more to me than any of you will ever know.
Gratefully Yours


Jones Law Firm,
Thank you for taking on my case. I'm trusting you, so please don't screw me over. Help me get my baby back.

And finally
First Unitarian Universalist Church of Louisville
Thank you for everything you've done for me since the minute I stepped through your doors for the first time. You've become like a family to me, and are more supportive of me than most of my own family. Thank you for taking me, my SO, and our friends under your wings. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

09-22-2008, 03:08 AM
Dear D-

Where are you?!?!

I don't think I can deal with much more of this.


09-22-2008, 04:16 AM
Dear Other Drivers,

I know that I'm driving slow. I know that my car is verrrrry slow accelerating. And I know about its current tendency to stall out at stoplights. Trust me, I KNOW. And I am much more annoyed about it than you could ever be. However, at the current moment, all I can do about it is drive it. I have to get from place to place, and the car still goes. So, please please PLEASE be patient with me. I'm trying to run errands at night, but I will have to go to and from school during peak traffic hours. I am very sorry. Please don't yell at me.....

~ The annoyed driver of the Camry

Dear HS 'Sweetheart',

You friended me on Facebook. I debated and decided to friend you back, even though I have not seen or spoke to you in 7 years. There is a very good reason for that - I actively avoided you. And now, thanks to Facebook, I find out that you are divorced, have a very cute daughter, and are living in Kansas City. Which does freak me out just a bit. I'm just not sure that I ever really want to see you again. Partially because of all of the pain you caused me, and partially because I've packed on 60 lbs whereas you seem to have buffed up a bit in the past 7 years.

But, believe it or not, I am glad that you're doing well, and that you're going to dental school. You will always be a special person to me.

~ Me

Dear Me,

You can freaking do this!! Have a little confidence for a change! They wouldn't have accepted you if they didn't think you could do the work. You. Can. Do. It.

~ ME

09-22-2008, 12:45 PM
Dear so-called "BEST FRIEND"...

In all the years I've known you, you've been tough but fair. I got it. But when I want something you don't agree with, I get a pissy phonecall, an insult, and nothing for a week. Have a nice life.

Oh. and your children and wife all asked me for favors RIGHT after you got done brushing me off. Guess I'm not so evil to THEM, huh?

09-22-2008, 05:05 PM
Dear Mrs. Drafter,

Sorry I forgot to put something in your lunch today. I don't know what I was thinking last night when I put it together.

Love you,


Dear Cody,

See why you're not supposed to lick at it? Now I have to take you to the vets to make sure you didn't hurt anything. I hope you're ok.

Dear memory,

Why do I keep forgetting things lately?

09-22-2008, 05:46 PM
Dear idiot in the HHR that flew past me last night,

What the hell were you thinking? Heavy traffic + construction zone? Are you effing kidding me? Even though you are an idiot, I hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly when you later shot across 2 lanes of 70mph+ traffic on I-79 last night...only to miss the exit ramp, and plow into the wall. Oh, and thanks for giving the rest of us plenty of time to avoid your vehicle sticking out of said wall at a 90-degree angle.


09-24-2008, 02:38 AM
Dear Becks and Mike--

Thanks for taking care of Rooks for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.



************************************************** *************

Dear D--

Indiana is a lot closer...but you still aren't here.


************************************************** *************

Dear Miss E--

There is no way that you are that old.

Love ya.

Amethyst Hunter
09-24-2008, 03:05 AM
Dear State of Illinois and all its bureaucratic nonsense,


Beginning to regret ever having moved back (not that I had much choice), Me :mad:

09-24-2008, 04:06 AM
Dear Amethyst Hunter,

Pennsylvania's licensing department sucks too. I can't get my MG's title transferred since it's not in mint condition. That is, no rust on the bumpers, no stickers of any kind on the windows. Never mind that the car's 40 years old, and is bound to have some rust somewhere. Oh, and the photos have to be perfectly straight-on. It annoys the hell out of me, mainly because the car was in similar condition when we bought it nearly 30 years ago, and they had no problem changing the title! :wtf:


Amethyst Hunter
09-24-2008, 04:45 AM
Dear Protege,

Let us gang up on these DL bureaus of doom. Sounds like Penn State's been taking lessons from IL... :eek:

09-24-2008, 09:13 AM
Dear Guy who sits next to me in my programming class,

You seem really nice and have pretty eyes. I hope before the end of the semester, you either ask me out for coffee or I get up my nerve to. Every time I try to talk to you, the things that come out of mouth, never sound a witty as they did in my head, and I know I usually look worn out during class, but I work nights and this is a 2pm class! If you aren't interested, at least give me some sort of sigh, so I can quit having pervy thoughts in class!



09-24-2008, 03:39 PM
Dear Lizziebeff,

You're welcome, and we're honored that you're letting us take care of Rookie for you.

Too bad she's busy hiding behind the kitchen sink. :lol:



09-24-2008, 04:10 PM
Dear Co Workers

Please for the love of gord, if you are sick STAY THE HELL HOME!!!! I don't want your stupid cold. I would like to do something this weekend besides take it easy. Also I would really prefer not be to be sick next week when the hubby and I get to go to Portland and see the Mythbusters with our friends. Ok is that too much to ask. This place is worse then grade school right now!


PS don't make me hit you people with the bleach hose!

Mighty Girl
09-24-2008, 04:37 PM
Dear N,

Yes, in fact, you are a bad mother, and a bad person and generally stupid. We only tolerate your presence because it's against the rules to drop kick you to the curb where you belong. We're supposed to have sympathy for your pathetic existence and try and understand that people like you- people that can't attain friends without joining a club and pretty much forcing yourself into people's lives- need this support group more than those of us who aren't totally fucked in the head.

Our kids don't want to play with your daughter or your son because they're incredibly aggressive and you sit there staring at the sky/ceiling/cell phone, whatever. That's why when you held that playdate at your house, only 3 moms showed up- out of pity. The rest don't want your evil spawn contaminating their kids. You have actually ADMITTED that you can't get them to listen to you and your husband has gathered up all their toys and put them in the basement so they can earn them back one at a time any (VERY VERY RARE) time they're behaving themselves. And speaking of that darling hubs of yours....so not impressed. Do you think he could refrain from showing off his bodily noises at future family events? While you may consider it a form of foreplay, belching and farting in the presence of others is anything BUT entertainment for those of us above a 3rd grade reading level. :puke:

And how dare I! I actually told you when you needed to correct your brats because I wasn't going to skip playdates because of you, and I wasn't going to sit there and let your kids treat the others like dirt. You were so insulted :devil: So instead of approaching me and talking to me one on one about your sociopath brat heaps, you waited until your redneck illiterate mother and grandmother came to town and then had the audacity to try and ambush me in a public park?

You really thought that I'd be intimidated by two retired crack whores likely supplementing their moonshine business by making meth in their basements? Think again bitch. You'll notice that I didn't run off, I never failed to make direct eye contact with you or them, and everyone I've discussed your behavior with (that would be international and the other officers) is appalled at your immaturity and lack of a spine. :D (I especially loved your response that you're "never going to talk to anyone ever again"---- know what I said? "Promise?")

I would consider it a blessing if I never had to deal with the burden of your presence again.

(wow---that was downright cathartic! sorry for being so long)

09-24-2008, 06:43 PM
Dear Intro Students,

The back row of the lecture hall is for GTA's. You are not a GTA. You are a student. So get over the fact that "OMG can't sit on the back row!!" Deal with it. And stop texting/talking to friends/listening to IPods/playing on the computer during class. It's pissing us off. You know what we do on that back row? Watch YOU. And if you're a nuisance, your GTA will be pulling you aside, talking to you, and docking points. If you're going to be a pain in the ass - Just stay home. Or drop the class. We really don't care.

~ Mean GTA

09-24-2008, 08:24 PM
Dear Financial Manager

There is nothing wrong with your laptop, but you want one with a bigger screen. My laptop is a piece of shit, and I desperately need a new one.
However, the Powers That Be decided that YOU get the new laptop, and I get your sloppy seconds.

You have had OVER SIX MONTHS to get a laptop and you haven't. WHY?? What the hell are you waiting for?? If it was ME that was getting the new laptop, I'd be working on it for the past 5 months.

Also, you want to know the reason WHY you never have time to do your work? BECAUSE YOU FAFF AROUND AND WASTE TIME. If you were to actually work, instead of complaining about how you have TOO LITTLE TIME TO WORK ZOMG, you would get everything done.

I'm going to talk to you tomorrow about why you haven't chosen a new laptop yet, and let you know that you are holding MY department back because you are being an assmunch of note. I have to spend 3 weeks away from home due to work, and I was hoping to have a decent laptop to work with and play with after hours. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you have to be a fuckmonkey and waste everyone's time.

I swear to Deity, I will personally go to the RGM (when he gets back from leave) and put forward the following motion:

a) You don't NEED a new laptop - yours is working fine
b) Mine is a piece of crap that is 4/5 years old and isn't even in production anymore
c) you were given the option to get a new laptop and you've been FAFFING for SIX MONTHS
d) I should get the new laptop and you can go to hell


09-24-2008, 09:50 PM
Dear Body,

If you're going to have a reaction, just get it over with! The itchiness without the rash/hives is just driving me insane as I don't know if I'm just insane or I'm actually having a reaction. :cry:


"Dear" Husband,

When you're out and about carousing with adult people, you darn well had better turn your :censored::censored::censored::censored: cell phone on or you're getting one of these: :salmon: and then being thrown into this: :chipper:. I might even throw in this: :flame: for free.

Now turn on that phone! :rant: Maybe this is why I'm having dreams of getting rid of you.

Your itchy, hot, miserable Wife IDaR

09-29-2008, 06:47 PM
Dear self,

Good job on actually finishing your computer case mod instead of just 'meaning to' indefinitely. Actually get around to the rest of the stuff you've been meaning to do now!

Dear mom,

Thank you for agreeing to time Thanksgiving dinner just right so that if we have certain guests (my sister's husband and his mom) I can use work as an excuse to leave early. I can only play nice for so long.

Dear W,

I am thrilled that you are pretending that I didn't basically tell you I think you're an ass. It makes things a bit easier since you and J hang out, and you're roomates with D. Thing is though, we both know I don't like you. J and D both know I really don't like you. You are a condesending ass to me and any girl you don't want to sleep with. Hell you're like that to most of you're guy friends too.

I was a bit perplexed and irritated about you contacting me today about the entertainment center that D offered me. Seeing as how you can't even answer the simple question of when I should come get it, I'm a bit confused as to why you even bothered asking instead of just having D ask when he got home.

09-29-2008, 07:30 PM
Dear Deity that Stole My Littermate,

If I said "FUCK YOU" then it wouldn't do me a lick of good, would it? There's no use in yelling at Something that may or may not exist just because I am in pain.

I just want you to know that I didn't appreciate it, nor will I be doing anything to attempt to get on your "good side" just so I can get my hands on a furbaby that needs a home that can stand a pycho like me.

I know you took her before this shit-tastical year even began, but for some very odd reason it just keeps hitting me harder and harder. Already I have wept more in the past 8 days than I had all of last year combined, and believe me, Deity, that is a lot of tears.

I am reminded of a story such a long time ago that explained why the Mother Sea is so salty. A young girl had lost her Beloved in a war and when she cried she filled the dessert full of her salt-laden tears. In a way I can certainly understand how she felt, for she had lost someone so very dear to her.

I know that my Littermate was considered "just a dog" by some people and others would question why I felt so close to a animal that clearly didn't have the ability to speak with me. But she could Speak with me. We Spoke all the time, just in a different way, on a differing wavelength than most humans can understand.

I can only imagine the stress placed upon my blood-littermate, as she was over a thousand miles away when our baby fur-sister took her last breath, so I know that some days she feels even worse than me. Our Mother was able to hold her hand when she left and our Father comforted her in her pain. They have each other, and my Sister has her boyfriend. Sometimes it feels as though I have no onee, but I know that's not true. I have my parents in close proximity but sometimes that's just not close enough.

I am not asking for Pity, Deity, nor am I asking for understanding. I already Understand why you had to take my Littermate and please forgive the fact that I will heartily dislike you for a very long time. But it's something I cannot help, you see, as I am prone to hold onto grudges for as long as it takes to correct them.

I will not beg for her back, for that would be against the rules, but please help me in my grieving, as I don't think I can take this for much longer. I Felt, rather than Heard, that my future Littermate was born into this world, and I know that she as a child will suffer hardships before she is delivered to me, but please keep her safe until then. I will do everything in my power to protect her from then on.

With Pained Understanding and Hope for a Better Tomorrow,
Melonius of Bladian Clan, Lesser Shinsuke Branch.

Dear Seratonins within my Brain,


09-29-2008, 07:51 PM
Dear RW,

It's ok to let yourself grieve. Everyone has a different process, and no single person has the monopoly on 'proper' grieving. Cry if you need to. Scream if you want. Your littermate was YOURS, and no one has the right to tell you what you 'should' be doing.


--someone who has spent most of her life grieving.

09-30-2008, 12:30 PM
Dear Dad,

You are an amazing dad. You always go above and beyond with the little things to help. You not only lent me your van to go down south, but let it stay filled till the next day when I forgot where I stuck my storage shed keys. Last night when I asked if I could use the van today to grab the entertainment center, you were cool with it which was awesome. I had meant after I got off work, but looking back, I guess I didn't say that, so please excuse my confusion this morning when I was trying to figure out why the van was blocking me in. Also please excuse my calling you asking you to come move the van, only to be reminded that I was borrowing it today and that you had moved it for me and left the keys downstairs. You rock.

09-30-2008, 03:00 PM
Dear Milwaukee Brewers,

Thanks for living up to my expectations. I had hopes, you see, but I was also realisitic.

Even if this week is the end of the season, I thank you for it.

Searching out postseason gear,


09-30-2008, 06:33 PM
Dear idiot maintance,

I'm starting to not give a shit that my townhouse controls the water to the rest of the townhouses on this side. I'm about to turn it back on and not give a shit you will have a huge mess to deal with.

I was fine at 9 AM when you told me it wouldn't be off for more than 15 minutes, but it is now 2:30 PM and I haven't had water all fucking day. I can't use the bathroom or take a shower.

I go out to ask you how much longer and you tell me "It's going to take another couple of hours" and are shocked that I'm pissed when I tell you that I have to get ready for work and you tell me "too bad".

Yes, that is good way for me to come back in and turn the water back on. If you don't give a shit that I'm inconvenienced, why should I care if you?

I suggest getting your asses in gear and fixing things right the first time, instead of putting band aids on stuff that will get worse later and make it hard on those of us who had nothing to do with your shitty patch work.

Don't expect me to be happy to let you in next time.

10-03-2008, 04:45 AM
You know who you are--

Where in hell are you?? This has been dragged out long enough. By the time you finally get here, I'll have moved.

And don't say I didn't tell you. I did. 3 months ago.


10-04-2008, 07:07 PM
Dear IB,

It would appear that I've royally pissed on your parade, and that you did only want to join so that you could saunter around and pose at work. It would appear that (through no fault of my own) I'll 'outrank' you from the word go and you don't want that so you'll be buggering off fairly shortly methinks.

Yours, laughingly


Lace Neil Singer
10-04-2008, 08:47 PM
Dear Bitch,

Fuck off and die. I mean it, seriously. Better yet, don't bother taking to the roads again til you've actually learnt to drive.

Yours, the girl on the motorbike.

10-04-2008, 08:50 PM

Karl Marx, Claude Levi-Strauss, Walter Benjamin, Louis Althusser, Michael Foucault, Lacan, Derrida and all of you other theoretical philosophical assholes. Who do you think you are? Why are your musings so freakin' important that I have to know the inner workings of all of them!!! GAAAAHHHH! :runaway:


Dear teachers,

This is theatre. Why is there so much theory in theatre? Can't we just do plays? Do we have to read all this stuff? Because, if I try to stuff one more theory in here now, my brain might explode. Oh, we're doing post-structuralism next week? bye-bye.

Dear students,

STOP WHINING. Yeah, you failed the test. Boo fucking hoo. If you would've come to class and actually paid attention, you would have done fine. It's not the questions. It's YOUR laziness. Yes, I know you're going to be a bunch of vindictive bitches when it comes time for teacher evals. Right now, I don't care. Half of you lazy-asses shouldn't even be in college.

Dear body,

You had the chance to sleep this morning. Why did you wake up at 8 am? Sleep in tomorrow. Please?

10-05-2008, 12:59 AM
Dear fella on the goth dating site,

You met my daughter today, spent an hour over your lunch talking to her face to face. You sound like your profile, and I like your profile as much as she does. You both just suffered big relationship collapses, neither of you are looking for a romance, and that's cool. New friends are what she needs now, too.

You said you'd call her on Wednesday when you both have the day off. Please do. She's looking forward to it, and it took a lot for her to post on that site. And please, please, if you do see each other more, don't turn out to be a jerk. She deserves so much better than that.

Her Mom, who'll stay respectfully in the background because her daughter's well over the age of consent

10-06-2008, 03:57 PM
Dear Foot,

I have no reason to write to you, but for some reason I had the desire to write "dear foot"

Dear Nose,

Stop already. I feel 1000 times better than I did Friday, but why are you still running?

Dear Wifey,

I hope you feel better soon. I love you.

Dear Lunch,

I will be eating you in 3 minutes

10-06-2008, 09:34 PM
Dear Directv,

Fuck you. Fuck your policy. I hope you all get cancer. I have cancer. Do you care? No. So maybe if you all fucking get fucking cancer, you'll start to care.

Dear Ryan,
Fuck you and your family and the Navajo Nation. I don't care. BRING.IT.ON. Custody battle of the century, buddy. I'll take on all theNATIVES! How DARE you let me sink after all I did for you? Man the fuck up.

By the way, dudes in Washington are way hotter than your hick ass.

With Love,

Evil Queen
10-07-2008, 07:28 AM
Dear SorryisGoodEnough,

I hope you win.

Hugs and brownies (because I made brownies today),

My dearest <name>,

I love you, I love you, I love you! I miss you dearly and look forward to seeing you very very soon.
Sexual innuendos included. :)

Your bella,

10-07-2008, 01:01 PM
Her Mom, who'll stay respectfully in the background because her daughter's well over the age of consent

Oh, I SO understand! Pardon me while I weep with relief!

If anyone out there is so misguided as to believe that birthday number eighteen signifies the end of parental worries-- Boy Howdy, your turnip truck awaits!

10-07-2008, 04:51 PM
Dear Housemate/Dear Friend of Mine,

Let it never be doubted that I love you like a sister. You are part of my closest group of friends ever since coming to college. I was so happy to hear when you got engaged, and I wish you and The Boy total happiness.

That being said, can you please cool it with the PDAs in front of me? To put it bluntly, it hurts to watch. I see my boyfriend of >4 years maybe once a month, and trust me, it gets pretty crushingly lonely. It gets to the point that, when I see you hanging off him, I have to resist the urge to cry. I don't want to sound like a complete bitch, but here I am crying myself to sleep most nights and you mope whenever you don't see him for a few hours. Seeing you and all of the other couples we live with together constantly just twists the knife a little too much at times.

I know you enjoy being together, and I know that it sucks when he goes away for the day/weekend, because I know you two really do love each other. However, as the girl in a semi-long-distance relationship in a house full of happy couples, all I ask for is a little consideration.

Your depressed housemate,

10-08-2008, 04:03 PM
Dear Dad:

I am not a 'political' person. I've been telling you this since I was twelve. Please stop calling me to go on about issues and books you heard about from Limbaugh. ><;;

10-09-2008, 04:01 AM
Dear place that installed my remote starter:

I saw the appointment book. You were supposed to be done with my car at 1, because 1. that's the time you quoted me and 2. you had another appointment for 1.

I'm OK with the fact that you couldn't meet that self-imposed deadling.

What I AM pissed about is that you didn't call to inform me that my car was NOT done!

Maybe I had an extremely important appointment today, that I would have missed because of you.

Thanks for finally finishing my car...almost 2 hours past the quoted time.

Still pissed off--


************************************************** **********

Dear bank--


When I go in to cancel an automatic transfer, that's just what I mean. Don't fucking inform me that you need to charge me $26 for trying to stop payment on a check. :wtf:

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen finally bring out the "personal banker" who had to talk to another PB, both of whom were talking about me and what I wanted done...but not asking me the vital info...such as the day the transfers go through, etc.

Both accounts in question are MINE. And since NO ONE in that bank knows what the fuck is going on, maybe you should ask ME, the person needing the service, exactly what is needed to be done.

Thank God I'm moving. I don't want you asshats handling my money anymore.

10-09-2008, 12:53 PM
Dear pillows of the world,

Stop trying to rip the barbell out of my eyebrow!

Dear mom,

Sometimes I draw on my arm when I get bored. Every time I do so, you do not need to ask if it's a tattoo. No, I am not going to tattoo a squiggle on my arm that looks more like a pen was dropped on me than anything else because of the pen being crappy. Either you're getting incredibly parranoid to an extreme level about me getting a tattoo or you think I would actually tattoo something that dumb looking (yes I drew it, but like I said, it was just because I was bored, and it washes off!) onto my arm/wrist.

Dear D,

I'm glad you're back. I'm even going to your welcome back party despite only knowing you and Kaetchen out of all the people who are showing up. I don't like parties where I don't know many people but I'm going anyway. I really hope it doesn't suck and that you are actually social. Please don't be offended if we get bored and leave early.

10-09-2008, 01:38 PM
Dear MG,

Yes, I know you've been home since last Saturday. Driving you home was truly glorious, especially the blast up the long hill into town. Good think no cops were around :angel: Seriously though, did you really have to develop that fuel tank leak? I mean, do you *want* to return to the garage, and sit for months outside? I know you're outside now (damn gas fumes!), but I do plan on using the garage come winter...


Dear allergies,

Was it really necessary to make me feel like shit the past few days? The runny nose I can deal with, but the constant sneezing and coughing just pisses me off. Cease and desist!


10-09-2008, 03:41 PM
Dear City of Chicago,

Ready or not, here I come! :D

10-09-2008, 04:45 PM
Dear Ex,
I don't know quite how to tell you this, but I loathe you our romance is over. I think I first knew it last Arbor day that night at that monkey house in your landfill at your party in your apartment, and I saw you practically tear the clothes off make a pass at that backstabber my best friend. I'm sure you're stoned man enough to see I dig sanitation in men how miserable I've been. I'm returning to Saturn your t-shirt, but I'm holding on to my sanity your photo as a keepsake. I want you to know that I'll inform the asylum about always treasure your Eskimo incarnation friendship.

Regards to your creepy family Sincerely,

10-13-2008, 04:38 PM
Dear Coworker's friend,

Shut up. No really, just shut up. SHUT UP! You drive me insane. Hell, I've even managed to deal with her, but you drive me insane. You don't shut up. I'm so tired about hearing so much about you. You insist on coming up almost every day and talking to her though. God you drive me insane.

Dear Coworker,

We have this awesome computer program. The whole damn purpose of it is to keep track of what our officers are doing. So when one of them goes on an off campus run, put it in the damn system! Otherwise, you run off to lunch and then I find out that he's gone when he calls it in that he's moved locations. Do your job!

Gabrielle Proctor
10-13-2008, 05:36 PM
Dear anyone who is pro-breed specific legislation,

It isn't my dog's fault that some other rottweiler in some other city bit some stupid kid(where were the parents?). My rottie has never bitten anyone and she will NEVER turn on me.

Don't punish the breed for the actions of a few! If that were happening with people, you would be considered racist!

Punish the deed, not the breed! Better yet, punish the idiots who get them to be vicious, who just tie them up in the backyard, who give the names like "brutus" "tyson" "bruno" or "killer", or who wander on to the rottweiler forum asking why their rott doesn't do what it's "supposed" to do and attack people!

Rottweilers are the most rounded of the working class dog and they have the strongest bite force of all domesticated breeds. Because of this they need training, a LOT of training and a LOT of socilization. They take time, but they're worth it.

If you don't think you could handle a dog like that, DON'T GET ONE! If you have never owned a dog before, DON'T GET ONE!

A dog of any breed is a responsibility, especially a working class breed. For the sake of the dog and the people around you, please be a freakin' adult.

Fuck you with something hard and sand-papery,

10-13-2008, 07:10 PM
Dear fellow GTA's,

How hard would it have been to send me a text message letting me know that you changed the location of the meeting? Instead you left a message with someone I don't know and wouldn't have been comfortable approaching. Thanks for making me feel more left out than usual.

~ The 1st Year

10-13-2008, 08:12 PM
Dear right leg,

The nice doctor said you hurt because of an inflamed syotic nerve. He gave us an oral steroid medication and the pain went away for a few day and much happiness was found. So, why do you hurt again! GRRR!

Stop hurting right now! You know what? I want the whole body to agree to stop hurting! That would be great, so work on that, mmkay? When I'm in pain the husband freaks, so just stop hurting and everyone will much happier.

Dear neighbors,

Are you all complete morons? If you want to have a dog, learn to pick up after it or the rest of us will find you and rub your nose in it.

Dear other neighbors,

You and your children are the reason people keep getting notices to keep the children out of the parking lot. There is also a big sign off to the side of the parking lot saying the same thing. Are you illerate or just think the rules only apply to everyone else and not you?

If something is going on in the neighborhood that is loud and upsetting, we all know who is involved, so either learn to live like civilized human beings or move back to New York. Most of us would prefer you move back.

Dear stores,

Why did you stop carrying my favorite breakfast sandwiches? Please order them again. I tried to write to the company, but they said they have been sending them. I can never find them, though and that makes me a sad panda.

Dear little guy's teacher,

Don't test me. I know he is not perfect, but you are testing me and if you do it again I will fight back. You only think I'm a push over, so yeah, you really don't want to go there.

Dear big guy's teachers,

You guys rock. Thanks for all the help you give him and letting me know when he is doing great. I do like to hear when my children are doing great, instead of only hearing from teachers when they mess up. Thanks.

Dear daughter,

I know about him. So, why do you think I don't? I'm your mother, that does not make me an idiot. I can tell you like someone, so just tell me about him and I promise not to hurt him...much. ;)

Also, your fingers are going to fall off if you don't stop texting all time. I won't nag you unless you do it in school.

Dear guys who fixed my car,

It looks great! You guys did a nice job repairing the deer damage. I did get a bit queasy when I read the itemized list and read "removal of deer hair" eww.

My car looks brand new. You guys know your stuff.

10-13-2008, 08:20 PM
Dear IB,

I'm presonally fed up with your self importan strutting and posing. I feel incredibly sorry for any poor staff who may end up working with you at the beginning of their career as they will only be able to work with you for <set time>, to think that you will be their first impression is horrific, I pray to all that is holy that they do not think that all of us are like you.