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03-31-2008, 08:31 PM
This has probably been done here before, but it's currently going on another forum and has been really interesting. Basically, you write an open letter to anyone. I'll start.

Dear Cousin V,

Stop being so perfect! As if it's not enough that you're a beautiful twin, you run marathons, and are a concert violist, you go and join the Peace Corps? Stop it! I demand that you go drink yourself into a stupor and shoot a rifle at your own porch, or take up crocheting hats for earwigs. There must be SOMETHING about you that isn't perfect... right?

(Just kidding, really I am so proud of you and love that you are doing good in the world. But you ARE way too perfect.)

-Your Imperfect Cousin

04-01-2008, 04:10 AM
Dear Attention Whores of the World-

PLEASE, just STFU already, you pathetic slags. Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Reading through and listening to all your made up bullshit is exhausting. You aren't fooling anyone-anyone with half a functioning brain, anyway. :rolleyes:

I'm over it. You'll get no sympathy from me, so save your breath and keep that shit to yourself. For the love of GOD, keep it to yourself!

Love always,

JAM :wave:

PS I mean it. You really ARE that pathetic. Bitches...

04-01-2008, 06:10 AM
Dear Customers;

Please for the love of God, stop asking us what size unit will be able to fit your, insert room here. We have several different sizes. We are more then willing to show you the units. Plus, you know what. You can fit a lot of crap into whatever room. And also that the rooms are going to be different sizes.

04-01-2008, 06:29 AM
Dear Manipulative Assholes of the World:

Stop fucking with people's heads. Stop screwing people over. Stop making it all about you you you, and maybe, just maybe, occasionally do something selfless and worthwhile for someone else, where you are not in some way benefiting. Stop thinking it is all about you. It isn't. This Life thing is a team sport. Stop fucking over my friends. I don't like it. Frankly, I get downright pissed off when people do that. Finally, when you get called on your bullshit, stop acting like a victim. You aren't innocent. You never were. And no one's believing your sob story now. It's just the same old bullshit, dressed up in new Woe-Is-Me wrapping paper.

Fuck off. You suck. Go away.


04-01-2008, 06:36 AM
Dear fatcells

Please stop expanding and multiplying. You're beginning to piss me off.



Dear South African government and monopolies

Thanks very much for gradually turning a beautiful country into a steaming disorganized mess. It's people and organisations like you that are preventing us from taking our place on the world stage. The police force is a joke. Our electricity provider didn't plan ahead for the demand we have today, and we have rolling blackouts - yet the big wigs are getting ridiculously huge bonuses.

The landline telecomms company is corrupt, absurdly expensive and slower than a sloth crawling uphill through peanut butter. With it's legs tied together. In winter.

Our violent crime is increasing at a ridiculous rate, but at least the politicians are doing something about it - by building HUGE WALLS around THEIR houses and hiring bodyguards!

This is why I am planning on leaving. I don't like having to wonder when I'm going to be the next robbery and rape victim. I don't like having to live like a prisoner in my own home. I don't like having to leave the country of my birth, but unless something drastic happens, I have to for my and my family's personal safety.

So, government and monopolies - DIAF.



04-01-2008, 06:53 AM
Dear bigoted racist assholes, George W. Bush, the FCC, censors, race card wielders, Barry Bonds, hypocrites, abusive boyfriends, abusive girlfriends, cheaters, bad film makers, the Counting Crows, Michael Bolton, Hillary Rodham Clinton, thieves, incompetent bosses, bad drivers, Dick Cheney, Dianne Feinstein, Oprah Winfrey, the corrupt police officers, the Dodge Car Company, the City of Miami and most of its residents, the University of Arizona and their fans, Ohio State University and most of THEIR fans, people who say "it's a dry heat," bar owners that price gouge, Terrel Owens, Michael Vick, OJ Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, country music singers, Jerry Falwell, Carrot Top, my middle name, Al Gore, Tipper Gore, New Gingrich, Arlen Specter, lima beans, and the assholes at FreeCreditReport.com,

Fuck off and die!!!


04-01-2008, 09:59 AM
:roll: (@Jester)

Dear people at other forums,

It is Draggar. Notice the A near the end. It is not Dragger (I don't go around dragging people), it's not Draggir or Draggor (WTF?). If you can't spell my name how the hell do you expect me to take you seriously?


Dear Clients;

I don't care about your life's story. I don't care about the fact that you've had nothing but problems with your laptop since the day you got it. I don't care that your sister's ex-boyfriend left because of it. Get to the goddamn point. Also, don't get pissy with me because I can't pull a part out of my ass and fix your problem 10 minutes before you go on vacation.

Dear criminals who run from the police.

QUIT USING MY NEIGHBORHOOD TO HIDE OUT. I'm sick of the helicopter flying over my house at 4AM. Don't also say "But I didn't do nutin wrong" (aside form the double negative). The police are after you for a reason and they don't send the chopper out for bad tags or a minor traffic violation. Also, quit crying police brutality. YOU are the one who ran from the cops, YOU are the one who fought with them while they were trying to apprehend you, YOU were the one who was kicking and screaming, don't cry when they slam your face on the pavement.

Dear annoying gawkers,

Just because he is a collie does NOT mean his name is Lassie nor is he a "Lassie dog". Also,


It is stupid to approach a strange dog and just pet it, but you're an adult, you are liable for your own actions (well, technically not anymore. I'm liable for your own stupidity). At least teach your kids this valuable lesson, do not pet strange dogs and always ASK the owner if you can pet it. This lesson will be extremely valuable the next time they see a feral street dog.

04-01-2008, 03:30 PM
Dear Department of Natural Resources,

Thanks for not hiring me. If you'd offered me a job, I probably would have taken it over the one I have now. And that would not have been the best choice. To say the very least. Thank you for basically dissing my credentials and saying I wasn't qualified.

My current job busted their asses to get me in here. They respect my skill and talent and treat me right when raise time comes around. If I'd taken the job with you guys, it would have been more state-sponsored horseshit and no money. Every fucking day I come in here I'm tempted to send you some flowers as a thank you gesture. So guess what?

Eat me.

Recovering Kinkoid

04-01-2008, 03:48 PM
Dear Rats,

I have to give you morning meds while I'm already dressed in work clothes. Please stop wiping your mouth with your paws and then wiping your paws on my work shirts. It's embarrassing to explain, "Oh, that's just enroflaxin, and that spot over there, doxycycline."

Bringer of Fruit Flavored Antibiotics

04-01-2008, 04:14 PM
Dear Annoyed-looking Woman in Dairy section,

I gotta be honest with here. My two year old daughter's bobbing in the seat and chanting "meow meow meow" over and over and over is kind of getting on my nerves, too. I mean, just think, you've been listening to it for a whole 15 seconds. I'm clocking in at around 15 minutes, so yeah. It's annoying.

However, she's being good right now. If the meowing is getting next to you, I don't think you'd like her other sound much better.

I understand it makes you unhappy. If I make her stop, it would make her unhappy. Hmm...eeny-meeny-minee....

Ah, fuck it, I like her better than I like you, so I guess you're boned.

Recovering Kinkoid

04-01-2008, 04:16 PM
Dear Jester,

my middle name ...WTF???


04-01-2008, 04:42 PM

Idiots on my street. Learn how to fucking drive, OK? Last time I checked, it was *not* a superhighway. Speed limit is only 25mph, so I don't know where you all got the idea it was 90. We have too many little kids around, along with the dog-walkers, old people, not to mention myself (usually with the beat-up '59 Radio-Flyer wagon) on the street at various times. None of us wants to get hit by a car, nor do we want to scrape your ass off the road after you hit *our* cars, or end up on our property? You wonder why I have that ugly stone lion on the corner, plus the pile of rocks? Yep, to keep you idiots out of my yard!

This includes *you* who drop your kids off at the school, and then lay rubber out of there. While we're talking about the school...park in their lot, OK? I really hate to come home from work, and *not* be able to get down the street because you idiots can't park for shit! One side of the street is bad enough, but *both* sides? Also, if you're going to do that, don't be surprised if someone's had your car towed, or decided to vandalize it. People get upset if you're in their driveway, or *blocking* said driveway. I don't mess with your cars, but I will *not* hesitate to call the cops and tow your ass!

Further, let's not even think about the effects of a speeding vehicle on ice. Yes, we get snow here in PA. Yes, the street does get slick. Does that stop you idiots from suddenly going around the corner sideways...even with the aforementioned other vehicles and street users? I'm just waiting to wake up one morning to find a car sitting in my yard, or against the trees across the street. I'm sure my neighbor will be delighted to see that you've just totaled his brand new truck...


04-01-2008, 04:46 PM
Dear married men,

Yeah, for some reason you want me. Good for you. Sometimes I don't blame you for that.

However, you are MARRIED. Hell, if the ring itself didn't tip me off, you've told me that yourself. Every once in a while I am observent and I DO pay attention to things I'm told.

I am engaged. While I don't wear my ring while I'm working, I do have it on my person. You've seen it. I've shown it to you before.

Learn to respect (in no particular order) your wife, yourself, me and my fiance. Any children you have, too.

I am not mistress material, and I don't think my fiance would appreciate what you said to me...in graphic terms. Maybe at first it was mildly amusing, but holy biscuit. Once you get THAT graphic, maybe you should look into writing erotic literature or participating in porn.

I'd tell you to eat me, but that's near the top of the list.

Go to hell.

04-01-2008, 05:52 PM
Dear P:

Nobody in this town respects you. We all think you're a lazy asshole selfish pothead. We KNOW you totally screwed A in her car that night and we hate you because your wife is really sweet. Speaking of which, how the HELL do you sleep at night knowing she works her ass off, has worked TWO jobs to keep the house afloat, and you have yet to hold a job for longer than two weeks??

You just screwed over the best band you've ever been in and you are playing with your meth-head brother again? He sucks ass and every time you guys are in a band together it sucks ass. This happens when you've been doing meth long enough that you have suffered permanent damage. But you think he is so freaking awesome.

Wake up, you suck, you need your ego checked.


Dear Other People Who Work for My Company:



Dear Paris Hilton:

I hope the crab lice carry you away in your sleep and your herpes sores get infected. You have officially set back the female gender about 50 years. I don't care how many people you pay to say you are smart, you are dumber than a box of hair. You are a waste of space on this earth who is only famous because your daddy is hella rich. You are a horrible person and I hope your dog chews your face off while you sleep.


04-01-2008, 06:37 PM
Dear Bitch

Know how you insulted to me infront of D after we met for just a second? You know, before I had even said anything to you to give you a reason to hate me. Know how you were friends with D and his brother J? Well J is my best friend. Remember insulting me infront of J in the check out line? It didn't help your case much when you insulted me yet again. (both times you insulted me to my face were while you were working too which was kinda dumb) Know how J is no longer answering or returning your calls? That's cause you're a raging bitch. Oh yeah, and he likes me better. Next time you want to be friends with people, maybe don't blatently repeatedly insult the person who lived with them for a while and is better friends with them then you are. By the way, you can stop giving me dirty looks every time you see me. It's not my fault you hate yourself and have decided to take it out on me. I personally am happy with who I am. Good luck with that though.


Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-01-2008, 07:21 PM
Dear Old Guy Who I Had To Help Today:

First, you asked me if we carried a specific kind of wiping cloth.

One with holes on one side, and the other side had a scrubber on it.

I was unable to find it for you.

Then you decided to tell me about how you used to buy this particular cloth everywhere, particularly K-Mart, which has been absent from our city for close to 15 years, that you were good friends with the K-Mart manager and you used to go bowling on Friday nights, and how that particular cloth was very useful for washing dishes, and how you don't like to use scrub brushes or dishrags or blah blah blah blah blah....

All I have to say to you is: Does this story have a point? Or does it just ramble on and on endlessly like my job?

Your Friendly Befuddled Neighborhood Stock Monkey And Creepy Furniture Goon,

04-01-2008, 07:33 PM
Dear idiots on Roswell Road.

For the love of god stop crossing the road where it's four lanes, at night, wearing black clothes.

Someone will hit you!

Driver of the Piratemobile

04-01-2008, 08:44 PM
Dear Bitch in my History of Africa class,
You have two papers to write before tomorrow, and that's our professor's fault how? You know, some of us know how to manage our time, and you bitching and moaning and putting the poor man down every time he assigns us something that's required to be more than half a page long doesn't mean he's the worst person ever. On the contrary; he's actually a very nice, sweet little man from Kenya with an awesome accent and a very genial teaching style. He's given us extensions before out of the kindness of his heart, and yet you still complain and gripe and act belligerent towards him every time he gives us an assignment.

Hey! Guess what? You're in a MFing history class. And you know what history majors do? We read, and more importantly, we write. So get over yourself, shove your pretentious attitude up your ass and write your damn paper.

Love (please get hit in the head with someone blunt it'll make you smarter),

04-01-2008, 09:23 PM
Dear Jester,



I thought it was obvious. I despise my middle name, and want it to go away. Preferably far away. Say, Madagascar. Or Pluto. It's one of only two things I have never forgiven my mother for. The other one being lima beans.

04-01-2008, 09:44 PM
Dear my partner's parents,
Yes, I swear. I enjoy swearing. I do choose to ensure I do not swear around you, however. I do not swear around my family either. I do not swear around children. (Other than accidentally saying "poobumhead" near my niece once, but she giggled so it's ok).

Telling me that "I should just know why swearing is wrong" is not a basis of debate.

Just because I swear around my friends, and around your son does not make me a bully. I do not "itimidate" people by swearing. I do not swear AT people, I swear in my general language use. How is it that someone who swears is automatically a bully? It makes no sense, and is a massive generalisation. And where do you get off trying to tell me that I'm a bully? Obviously you have used the past 4 and a half years you have known me to completely ignore who I am.

It also does not mean that my vocabulary is such that I can not think of any other words to use instead of curse words. It's just that swearing sometimes has a better impact that other words which it could be replaced with, such as Fuck you! as opposed to Sod off! It enhances my vocabulary.

Nor does it mean that I should be ashamed of myself because my partner swears around me. It does not mean that he doesn't respect me, it means that I don't find it a big deal. It should not reflect badly on me, take some freaking responsibility for how you raised YOUR son. How is anything that your son does my fault? It seems that you have washed your hands of him, and have now made me his guardian. Maybe it's so that you have less effort to put in as a parent, not that I have seen you do any fucking parenting EVER unless it was while sitting on your couch while watching your constant stream of shitty tv shows.

Your pissed off future daughter in law who wishes you'd get a life or a brain,

04-01-2008, 09:47 PM
Dear Garbage men,


04-01-2008, 09:50 PM
Dear tourists:

The gas pedal is the one on the RIGHT. I know the speed limits are slow down here, but they AREN'T 10 mph! Oh, you want to check out the sights? Fine. PARK THE FUCKING CAR AND WALK, OR CHECK OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. Some of us need to get where we're going before we're eligible for retirement!

Yeah. Thanks.

Late Jester.

Dear Jester,

You know, you would stress out a lot less for these cookoffs you participate in if you would just stop procrastinating and get stuff done earlier in the day. ESPECIALLY when you are making something you have never made before. Asshole.

Annoyed Jester.

04-01-2008, 10:10 PM
Dear friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend...

Someday, we need to pick a position and stick with it.


04-01-2008, 11:26 PM
Dear Head Hunters,

You all are of great annoyance and frustration to me. I hate that you don't call when you say you will to tell me if I get to come in for another interview or if I got the job. How unprofessional and discourteous of you. What pisses me off is how you want to pigeon-hole people like me into the same type of work despite my qualifications. Worse is how extremely high of standards you all have for a grunt job with crappy pay. Get over yourselves. Not even a recent college grad would go for that, unless they were really really desperate. The worst part of all is how you like to post up these ads for seemingly great jobs that are nothing but either commission only sales bullshit or overly-glorified crappy jobs. I am not job hunting for fun, stop wasting my time, you asshats.



Dear S,

I hope that you finally got it in your pecan-sized brain that I don't want you speaking to me anymore in any way shape or form. I have been telling you so many fucking times that it's disrespectful that you keep attempting to do so when I am engaged and living with my fiancé. It's been 5 years since I dumped you and all the whining you've been doing about how I "hurt you emotionally" etc. needs to stop. Move on already! You're full of shit every time you've told me (more than once) that you're getting married , when A who is supposedly your homeboy spills the beans on how you keep getting dumped because you're a pathetic pansy. For somebody who is 3 1/2 years my senior you sure are petty and immature and I do not regret dumping your sorry ass at all. Please for the love of all things holy leave me the fuck alone and man up you fucking wuss.


04-01-2008, 11:58 PM
Dear tourists:

The gas pedal is the one on the RIGHT. I know the speed limits are slow down here, but they AREN'T 10 mph! Oh, you want to check out the sights? Fine. PARK THE FUCKING CAR AND WALK, OR CHECK OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. Some of us need to get where we're going before we're eligible for retirement!

Yeah. Thanks.

Late Jester.

I think I love you. I yell this at someone every single day. :D

PS. I must write my letter later as I am currently in the same room with the person to be written about.

04-02-2008, 12:12 AM
Dear SO's High School Teacher,

You are a vindictive cunt, and I don't use that word lightly. Do you realize that now, years after you "lost" his high school transcripts to prevent him from graduating after he upset your pet student, it is still screwing him over? I don't care WHAT he did to the teacher's pet- it was high school drama, not a criminal offense, and I wish I'd known about it at the time so I could have taken you in front of the school board over it before he buckled under your pressure and insults and consented to withdraw from school. You told a student he'd never amount to anything and he was worthless- what kind of a teacher are you?

I hope that someday you really need a document from someone in order to keep your job, and they shred it right in front of you and tell you they lost it.

Oh, and I know about your paranoid personality disorder. It's no excuse, bitch. Get a job where you don't deal with young people or anyone you can fuck over.

With Hate,
Resume Tweaking Girlfriend

04-02-2008, 01:13 AM
Dear Arsenal

Please please beat Liverpool in the Champions League. I say this because anytime that Chelsea plays Liverpool the matches become so boring that they are one day going to be used as sleep aids. They're that bad.

Dear Michigan:

Stop snowing, please? It's April ffs and I'm getting sick of cleaning off my car.

04-02-2008, 01:55 AM
Dear friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend friend not friend...

Someday, we need to pick a position and stick with it.


Man, I wish I'd seen this before choosing the "not friend" option on a...well...a "not friend".

I mean, I still would have chosen "not friend", but it would have made a witty retort before I made the commitment. :lol:

Dear Guys with Buckets Collecting Money for an Alleged Charity At the Red Light,

Get your dumb ass the FUCK out of the road! I have enough to worry about without having to worry about some dicksmack that lacks the intellence to not play in traffic!

You knock on my window, you're gonna end up fitted with a hook. Get out of the road!


04-02-2008, 02:20 AM
Dear Grandma W,

I am not five years old. I haven't been for almost 17 years now. I can legally drink. I can walk on the beach at dusk and not drown, k?

Your greatly annoyed granddaughter

04-02-2008, 03:00 AM
Dear fatcells

Please stop expanding and multiplying. You're beginning to piss me off.


Dear Head Hunters,

You all are of great annoyance and frustration to me. I hate that you don't call when you say you will to tell me if I get to come in for another interview or if I got the job. How unprofessional and discourteous of you. What pisses me off is how you want to pigeon-hole people like me into the same type of work despite my qualifications. Worse is how extremely high of standards you all have for a grunt job with crappy pay. Get over yourselves. Not even a recent college grad would go for that, unless they were really really desperate. The worst part of all is how you like to post up these ads for seemingly great jobs that are nothing but either commission only sales bullshit or overly-glorified crappy jobs. I am not job hunting for fun, stop wasting my time, you asshats.

Gotta give a "DITTO!" and a :highfive: to both of these letters!

Okay, here's mine:

Dear temp job,

You've got concrete floors. You expect your employees to stand for eight-hour shifts, five days a week. It would be very kind of you to invest in some anti-fatigue floor mats, as well as work tables set at a proper height so that we don't have to bend over to work on them. Otherwise, you will lose more and more temps due to horrible back pain, just as you did me.

Oh, and if you want us to wear your work uniform, you might try investing in some sizes that real people wear. Very few people can wear 28 W X 38 L pants, at least not safely. And who had the brain seizure to come up with putting the final step of the assembly all the way back at the start of the assembly line?! Ergonomics, planning, safety. All good words.

Please get your act together,

Evil Queen
04-02-2008, 03:32 AM
Dear Mimi,

No, I'm sorry I'm not the "good granddaughter" you always thought I was but you know what? I never was the good one and you only think I'm the good one because I had the patients to try to help you through your homework/computer/tv/remote/cable internet problem but I got tired of having to repeat myself to your vindictive ass. Shut the Fuck up.

I am going to cuss, I am going to die a happy atheist, No I'm not going to marry the guy I'm currently having a relationship with and I DON'T CARE WHAT THE NEIGHBORS NICE YOUNG SON IS DOING!!!!

Much love,

Dear Bank,

How many times do I have to request; please tie my savings account to my checking account so I don't have to call you, chew you out and demand you refund all those late fees that never would have been there if you had done your jobs in the first place! Have a good day!

Not so much love,


Dear Pompus Ex Boyfriend;
Just because you talk to my sibling daily doesn't mean I'll be letting you back in my life! Please piss off and die a terrible death!

Dear Sibling,

-Your sister on Hold.

04-02-2008, 04:09 AM
Dear Sibling,

-Your sister on Hold.

I suddenly have the chills.

We need to talk.

04-02-2008, 04:09 AM
Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

Thank you oh-so- fucking much for bringing that skank back to live with you after the cops tossed her out. Although I must apologize for my mistake that you were a rude, narcisistic asshat, for once I saw your #1 girl wearing that miniskirt that obviously showed of her inability to afford panties, I realized that you are simply doing the charitable thing and getting her off the streets where her pimp was obviously taking all of her panty fund.

Oh, and STFU, and die.

Loathing you more each day,


Dear Cunt Harpy, aka, J, aka my SO's EX-wife,

HE LEFT YOU. Get the fuck over it. He did not leave you because he was tired of being left in your shadow of fabulousness. He did NOT leave you because he was snowed by an untrustworthy younger woman. I didn't even MEET him until long after your marriage was over in all but name. NOBODY is fooled by your sudden desire to move to a city you never mentioned before in your life CONVENIENTLY a mere few days before my son was due. I'm sorry that your son is now in love with the brother you tried so hard to prevent him from meeting. I'm also so sorry for disappointing you by having a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy instead of the scrawny little whine bag you so hoped I'd have, despite me not following YOUR instructions to the letter regarding MY pregnancy. STOP TRYING TO PUT YOUR MUDDY PAW PRINTS ALL OVER THE WAY I CHOOSE TO RAISE MY CHILD. Unlike you, I don't think it's anything less than child abuse to breastfeed a child until he is EIGHT YEARS OLD, unlike you, I don't think it's acceptable that he is still having bathroom accidents at the age of TWELVE! If he truly cannot help it then he needs to go to a doctor, if he is choosing to do this then you need to put an end to it.

Face facts, you had no desire to be a good friend, wife, or mother. You felt that biological clock tick, LIED about your inability to get pregnant and imported someone to knock you up because anybody that actually knew you, hates you. Just because you have at LEAST six blogs doesn't mean you are clever. Far from it. Just because you tried to homeschool your son once for a month or so, does not make you an incarnation of any goddess. Just because you got sick from a vaccine does not make them evil, and you are a selfish bitch for not allowing your son to get any. This may end up making him seriously ill, (which as a parent your job is to try and PREVENT this, btw), or kill him.

STOP calling SO's family to "chat". They hate you, and have personally told me so. M is not your mum, so stop calling her "Mum". YOUR Mum was an alcoholic abusive woman that got exactly what she deserved. Get over it. Get a life. Let your son have a relationship with his father on HIS terms, not yours.

Hoping you die in a very silly manner,

The untrustworthy other woman

Amethyst Hunter
04-02-2008, 04:12 AM
Dear...Hillary Rodham Clinton...Al Gore...

I totally agree with you on everything in that post except for those two. I don't think they're evil enough to warrant it. ;)

Saydrah - how would you like to come out east and have a little...talk...with my HS sophomore rat pizzle of a teacher? :devil:

As for me:

Dear Parents,

I love you. Really, I do. I understand now (well after the damage has been done, of course, but that's another rant for another time) why you are the way you are, and that's okay. But seriously - we NEED to clear out all this shitty clutter we've accumulated over the last what, 30? 40? years. It's not doing us any good and some of it could go to people who can actually use it. And a lot of it is just plain *worthless shit*. (I'm talking to you there, Dad. WE DO NOT NEED A RUSTED BROKEN-DOWN GIANT MEDICAL OFFICE SCALE!)

Yeah, I realize I'm hardly on solid ground when it comes to clutter-hoarding. But at least I'm aware of my faults and try to fix them. Matter of fact, I'm considering some spring cleaning of my own. Moving all this crap around sucks, and I'm not getting in any better physical shape to do it.

So please, for all our sanity's sakes, let's weed out some of the crap we just don't need and will never use again (if at all). Besides - we can always accumulate better crap later on! ;) :devil: :lol:

Love, your daughter


Dear anti-choice anti-birth control anti-*female* religion-hijacking asshole scumbags around the world,

STFU. It's none of your goddamn business whether or not a female takes contraception, has an abortion, or does whatever else with her body for whatever reason. Places like Planned Parenthood do more for women's healthcare than losers like you will ever hope to accomplish with all your hateful condescending two-faced lies, propaganda and tactics (some of which has even been known to include violence, depending on the group). Don't like that? Tough shit. It's not your right to dictate to someone like me what I can or can't have/do just because you don't like it. So, to quote Jester,

Fuck off and die!!!

No love whatsoever, Me


Dear Jesus,

I like you. I really do. You seem pretty cool, and although I don't know for sure how You feel exactly about me given my own personal list of sins (and won't until I get there to meet You), I like to think that we would get along okay. But, Lord, PLEASE save us from some of Your professed followers. They scare the absolute shit out of me!

Your (hopefully) friend, Me


Dear Me,

See the above letter to your parents. IT'S OKAY TO LET GO OF CLUTTER. Really, you'll get to accumulate more shit somewhere down the road. Then you can have fun trying to figure out where it all goes all over again! :D

Oh, and lay off the soda and candy. You've been hitting that a little rough lately, and the teeth aren't happy about it. Capisce?

Yours always, Me


Dear Wisdom Tooth and the gum you live in,

YOU SUCK. You had to go and throw a little piss onto what was otherwise a good Easter. And, as if that wasn't annoying enough, you had to stay irritated for a full week, thereby ruining my enjoyment of other foods. If I wasn't so broke right now, I'd rip your rotten ass out of there with my own bare hands. Thank God for the vodka trick (courtesy of a fine CS.com patron! :) ). And Listerine. Mustn't forget our best friend Mr. Listerine. That'll learn ya, beeyotch.

Despising you forever, Me

04-02-2008, 05:48 AM
I think I love you. I yell this at someone every single day.

And yet you are only four hours north of me. Come on down, I'll buy you a drink! :wave:

I totally agree with you on everything in that post except for those two. I don't think they're evil enough to warrant it.

And that is one area we will disagree on.

And that is the great thing about opinions. They are like assholes. Everyone has one.

So, to quote Jester...

I can't lie, I do like being quoted.....makes me feel as if I almost matter. :lol:

Dear Idiot Punk Teenager In The Street,

Go ahead, take your time crossing the road. Despite, of course, your girlfriend stopping as she saw my truck coming at a speed reasonable enough not only for the road, but also reasonable enough for her to stop crossing the road and attempt to wait for me to pass. Despite YOU clearly seeing me and strolling oh so casually across the street. Despite the fact that said crossing behavior made me wail on my brakes so that I wouldn't hit you.

Oh, and don't mind that horn thing. I know I blew it at you. Twice. Once for forcing me into panic stop mode, and the second time for you giving me the finger after I honked at you after NOT killing you. Yeah, don't mind that. It doesn't mean anything.

By the way, I feel, as a friend, I should let you know that next time you are crossing the street and I am coming along, as I don't want to distress you with my horn and force you to exhibit that rude one-fingered gesture I am sure you loathe so much....well, next time I will not bother with the horn, and just ram right into you, shattering your skeleton into pieces that even House and the CSI team couldn't put back together, you suicidal idiotic waste of skin.



04-02-2008, 06:09 AM
Dear Father of mine.

I hate you. I really do. Yes we can get along wonderfully for several hours at a time. But did you ever notice I am never sober during that time frame? You sucked as a father. I never liked you growing up. It might have been the temper tantrums you would throw, during which, you trashed the house and left it for me to clean up. The fact that you will never spare a dime for me when I need it sucks. And what sucks more is how involved you are with your new wife's children. You will always bail them out. Hell there is always one of them and their children living with you. You seem to have more loyalty to these children who you did not meet till they were adults.

You wonder why I love my step father who has always been there for me since he met me. He has been kind and understanding. he never screamed at me, thrown things at me, trashed the house, or abandonded me. He has also never abused me in any way. He was even there for me during that time that mom decided to give a realtionship with you once more try.

And that who thing in your and my mothers divorce decree about how I could never call my step father any form of "dad" was really mature. For your information, I would never insult him so. I have one father and he is a jackass. I would never deem to confuse you two.

I hate you, Your loving daughter.

04-02-2008, 06:23 AM
Dear manufacturers of car alarms


No love

a very cranky iradney who kept getting woken up by a F****NG CAR ALARM LAST NIGHT

04-02-2008, 10:16 AM
Dear complainers,

Don't just bitch and moan on forums, PROVIDE REASONABLE SOLUTIONS! (And not ones that are just way out there or typed in anger (like fire all of them), make them reasonable!

04-02-2008, 10:47 AM
Dear T

I was there for you, I was awoken by you at night more times than I can remember, I put my life on hold to help you FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS. I understand that you went through an horrific experience which is why I was there 24/7, I helped you get back on your feet and helped you into your dream job.

Yes if I hadn't helped you get over your rape someone else would have done, but why have you so completely cut me off without even a reason why? I didn't get told you got married, let alone an invite, you didn't tell me you had a child, nor again when you had your second child.

I don't want recognition of any kind, nor glorification, just a message to tell me why you don't want to talk to me or want me in your life at all, thats all I ask for the hours of work I put in to help you.

Yours, confused



Dear Grandparents

I am fed up to the back teeth of your lack of acceptance to your respective child in law. My parents have been married now for nearly 30 years, isn't it time you Shut The Fuck UP about how you're not happy that your son/daughter married someone you don't agree with, I'm sorry but you're not marrying them so you have very little to say about it, especially as neither of you contributed a single penny to the ceremony, my father had to pay for the entire thing from a (then) pitiful Policemans wage in the early 80s.

Get over it.

Yours, angrily



Dear General Public

No, I haven't always been this tall, things might have been slightly unpleasant for my mother. No the weather is no fucking different 'up here' then where you are. You have no right to demand to know how tall I am, nor any other personal information. Its no business of yours where I get my clothes from, and no I don't have to sew two pairs of trousers together as you so 'humoursly' stated. No I'm not stood on a box, nor have I stilts under my trousers. I do not, never have and never will play basketball, would you suggest to an overweight man he would make an excellent sumo wrestler?

Yours, annoyed (constantly)


04-02-2008, 11:11 AM
Dear person who has an answer for everything,

I have caught you in so many lies and half truths, and when I call you on them, you always have an answer. Don't you know that the internet exists, and Google is your friend, and the truth can be verified with just a few keystrokes and the click of a mouse?
All your outrageous claims can be seen through if a person just uses their head and doesn't blindly believe everything told to them.

I am really sick of your drama. Nothing is ever simple in your world. It's as if Murphy's Law was written just for you, because anything that can go wrong, does go wrong when it comes to your life - at least, it seems that way, based on all your wild stories.

I especially love it when you tell the same story twice and give 2 different versions of the details. Here's a tip, if you're going to lie, make sure you remember which version you have told before repeating it to the same group of people.

Quit playing for attention and preying on the sympathy of kind-hearted people. Too many people are willing to believe the best of others, and you have people right in the palm of your hand, eating up your tales of misery and feeling sorry for you.

You claim not to have money, and then spend any that you have in stupid ways, but nobody notices. Well, I notice, because everything you say to me now is suspect, and I verify every claim you make.

One of these days, you won't have an easy answer, and I will out you for the liar and needy, grasping attention whore that you are. It will not be pretty.


04-02-2008, 11:15 AM
To my former friends,


I know I should be over this. Mostly, I am. But every once in a great while, I regret the way I ended things. Which is to say, being mature and just walking away. You abused the relationship, took everything I had to offer and gave almost nothing back. Friends are supposed to BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER!!! Me dropping everything whenever you had a hangnail or something, and then you JUST NOT BEING THERE when I needed something?? Simply unacceptable. I got tired of being your doormat.

I cut my losses.

There are times I just WISH I had smashed you in the face, and let my displeasure be known with a tire iron and a BLOWTORCH!

On the rare nights that I reminisce... It's not any of you that I miss.. It's the people I THOUGHT you were. It's the friends I THOUGHT I had. But hey.. You DID give me a nagging distrust of people in general, so that's SOMETHING...

04-02-2008, 11:52 AM
Dear Hopper

Stop being so gosh-darned cute. You're a loving, happy little furchild, and if I ever have a baby human, I want it to be like you.

Love you lots!

04-02-2008, 02:20 PM
I can't lie, I do like being quoted.....makes me feel as if I almost matter. :lol:


Almost matter? Quoting you is fun, you know. :p


Dear Mommy,

Thank you for being a wonderful mother. I mean it. I know it wasn't easy, especially with both me and Bella to take care of.

If I ever acted like a brat and told you I hated you, I didn't mean it. I hope I never said that. If I did, I hope you've forgiven me.

Things weren't easy for you, but you did your best. And hell, we ended up better than the Murphy side, didn't we? :D

Oh, and I should've taken you up on your offer to hit Mickey D's on the way to the airport. They didn't have the muffins for the flight snack. Someone forgot to put them on the plane.



04-02-2008, 02:23 PM
Dear Troll,

STOP STARING AT ME! Stop quitting working just to listen in on a conversation I am having with a trainee. Stop quitting working every time you see me wander to someone else's machine to discuss something with them. STOP STARING AT ME EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SEE ME. I AM LOOKING AT. THE. CLOCK. NOT YOUR UGLY FACE! STOP STARING! It's pretty pathetic you cannot get anything done because you spend all night staring at everyone and eavesdropping on everyone's conversations. It doesn't involve you, so STOP IT!

Stop staring at my coworkers and trainees as well. They want to be left alone and to work. Stop talking to us on break. We don't like you. You are annoying.

Go back under your bridge or find something shiny to look at.

Dear Cellulite:


Dear Wrinkles:

Go back into my skin and do not come back for at least another 20 years.

Dear pimples:

ONE DAY, ONE VERY WONDEFUL DAY, I WILL FIND A CURE....and you will NEVER EVER have the pleasure of popping up whenever you please or every time I get a little bit pissy. ONE DAY you will cease to exist.

04-02-2008, 03:17 PM
Dear Wallet,

How the hell do you accumulate so much shit inside you? What IS all this stuff? Months old credit card slips, months old bank slips, business cards from....who ARE these people, anyways? Ooh, three free drink tickets....a little redemption for you....and four lottery tickets.....with not one matching more than two numbers. Why do you tease me so, Wallet, why? And why don't you have more money in you? I mean, besides those Mexican and Bermudan banknotes and all those two dollar bills that you KNOW I'm not gonna spend. Come on, Wallet, get it in gear, and stop being such a Costanza Wallet.



04-02-2008, 03:29 PM
Dear socks
I know you hate me. You've made this quite clear by your unanymous desicion to never ever stay up when I wear any of you no matter what. This is why I don't wear you. Some day there will be a sock revolution. For now I just keep my self happy by wearing lots of awesome tights. Until the revolution then,

04-02-2008, 03:37 PM
Dear assistant manager who works Saturday afternoons and I have to work with for 1 hour before I can go home,

STOP BEING LATE. Last week you were almost 1/2 hour late.

Stop being so smug.

Stop being an a$$ towards me. The customers love me and I actually help out.

Yes, I am a female. Yes, I am a female with a brain in my head. I also am a gamer. Just because you'll never have a chance to either date me or get me into bed, doesn't mean you can be a $hithead towards me.

No love EVER,

04-02-2008, 04:08 PM
Dear manufacturers of car alarms


No love

a very cranky iradney who kept getting woken up by a F****NG CAR ALARM LAST NIGHT

Yes. And the time limit should be from 1979 to 1981.... the last time anyone paid the least bit of attention to one. JFC, there's a REASON "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" is a moral fable taught to every kid. Reread it, memorize the lesson, and save us all the earache and the two hundred bucks extra tacked on to the car price for something absolutely less than useless.

04-02-2008, 04:11 PM
And yet you are only four hours north of me. Come on down, I'll buy you a drink! :wave:

I'll actually be down there for my birthday with bf and a bunch of friends. June 13th -15th. :D

Dear Man,

You need to figure out what the fuck you want. I'm sick of this game.


Dear Dog,

Please for the love of god, pee when I take you out at 11 because I will not be happy with you when you wake me up at 3AM to go again.


04-02-2008, 04:21 PM
Dear Old Coot,

Get out of the office! I know I work for your son, and you have some project downstairs in the garage so using this office is a convenience for you. However as your son's employee, it is terribly inconvenient for me. Why must you keep literally hundreds of pounds of random piles of personal paperwork in this office? It makes the office look terrible. Client visits are few and far between, mostly because we don't want them seeing what a shithole the office looks like with its stacks of paper. I've seen your home. You have room for 3 or 4 offices in that house.

And quit using this computer! I hate when you march in here and announce "I need to get there for a second". First of all, you never take into account whether I'm busy or not. Secondly, it's never a just "second". It takes you anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half to check your email! God forbid you start editing a document - I might as well go home for the day.

Speaking of going home, I don't appreciate when you ask me to take a long lunch, or ask me to go home early because you want to use the office computer without my presence. No, I don't want to go home. I want to stay here and earn money! You're freakin' rich! Buy your own damn computer and use it at home. Oh, you say all your oh-so-important documents are on this computer? Isn't that why you bought those USB drives - so you could easily transfer all your stuff from one computer to another?

Most of our client and vendor information is on this computer. Do you know how frustrating it is when a client, or your son, or his business partner calls me looking for some information, and I have to tell them "I'm sorry. I don't have access to the computer right now."? Can you feel the dirty looks I'm shooting you?

By the way, a vendor had stopped by the office recently. While speaking with him, you again marched into the office and kicked me off the computer. The vendor called later to make sure everyone was ok, since he found your behavior and the fact that you ousted me from my workstation odd.

Finally, for the love of all that's unholy: Stop leaving used tissues and napkins on this desk! I hate coming to work in the morning and finding a pile of snotty tissues. The garbage can is RIGHT NEXT TO THE DESK! Just stretch your right hand out and drop the tissues. That's what that plastic can is for!

No love here,


04-02-2008, 04:27 PM
Saydrah - how would you like to come out east and have a little...talk...with my HS sophomore rat pizzle of a teacher? :devil:


Obie says: "What's wrong with rat pizzle?"

Saydrah says, ":devil: Oh, I could tell you some stories about sucky teachers who got their comeuppance thanks to me. I got my HS principal fired for taking an action that violated District Conduct Code, federal law, and the Constitution. The secret is, don't be afraid to self-advocate, but don't get razzled. If you have a legitimate complaint, document it all in writing, take time stamped photos of your documentation to prove it was done on the date you say it was, and go straight to the person causing the problem.

Give them 10 minutes of your (polite but straight to the point) time to start offering solutions, and if all they do is browbeat and deny things, thank them for their time and schedule a meeting with the next person over their head. That's usually either the department head or the principal depending on how large your school is. Then repeat- but give them more time because they have to bullshit more to get away from liability. If that doesn't work, school board (or board of regents).

It doesn't do a damn thing if your complaint isn't legit, but if it is, you can get things addressed with enough tenacity and as long as you don't fall into any of the traps authority figures like to set, like making you cry or tricking you into yelling or saying something that's not true and discrediting yourself. A calm, 'This is what happened, this is why I feel it's wrong, I have documentation, here's my suggestion to fix it,' and then letting them talk does wonders.

I've had some fantastic teachers and some awful ones, and only one of the awful ones has managed to get the best of me, and that was when I was going through a rough time and couldn't cope mentally and broke down crying in my meeting with her."

Oh and:

Dear Barack Obama,

Please stop being attractive. This crush is getting ridiculous. It is very hard to be taken seriously as a supporter who has educated herself thoroughly on your Senate record, life story, positions, and campaign promises, as well as read both your books and studied videos of all your key speeches, when I get a silly grin any time I start talking about you and catch myself reciting 'A More Perfect Union' in my head during intimate moments. I am officially taking away your sexy privileges. Go get a reverse nosejob and gain 100 pounds or something, please? I can't very well convince people to vote for you when they all just start calling me "Mrs. Obama!"


04-02-2008, 04:40 PM
Dear person who has an answer for everything,

I have caught you in so many lies and half truths, and when I call you on them,

I've met this person several times now. I call them galushes, after the foremost among them. For me, it's not even the constant lies (which are bad enough and ALWAYS self-serving, and often pointless....) but the fact that they believe that NO one is clever enough to catch them up. I realize that it's probably a mental disability of some sort, but they are essentially calling everyone "stupid" right to their faces. :(

04-02-2008, 05:09 PM
Dear Children,

I know I'm not always the best mommy in the world and for that, I am sorry, but could you at least put your nasty socks in the washing machine? I really don't want them trying to bite me when I pick them up.

And, please rinse off your dishes when you put them in the sink, so the food on them doesn't become some super type glue.

Much love,

Dear Boss,

You are the best boss I have ever had and you rock out loud, but could please tell one of your favorite employees not to drop the F-bomb every two seconds and mean it? I know you think it's cute when she does it, but the rest of us are really getting annoyed by it.

Much respect,

Dear other boss who is not my boss,

If you take chocolate off my desk one more time I will have to hurt you. One does not mess with a woman's chocolate, mmkay?

Buy your own,

Dear Coworker,

What project me and my friend are working on is none of your business. So, please stop whining about how we get the easy jobs and you have been there longer, so you should have it.

Also, please stop coming by our desks and annoying us while we are trying to do our work, besides shouldn't you be doing your job?


Dear Neighbors,

Could you please keep it down a bit? I like a good time too, but I try to be considerate of my neighbors.

Also, it's funny to watch your child, who is smaller than your dog try to walk the dog, since it seems like the dog is walking your child.

Lots of love,
Your neighbor

Dear Other Neighbor,

You rock! Thanks for all the baked goods you have brought over for us. It's hard to share, since your baking so darn good.

I have gained weight from it, but it's just so darn good that I wonder if you have added something totally addicting in the batch.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to give you that would compare to it.

Your addicted neighbor

Dear Banking Accounts,

Why can't you grow? I mean huge amounts of growth? That would be great!

Lots of love,

04-02-2008, 05:12 PM
Dear Male Parental Unit,

What with the horrible hail storms knocking out windshields all over the county, it occurred to me too late that it was the perfect opportunity to smash your head through the windshield of the car and claim that hail did it, and that the enormous gaping wound through your face was the result of your own stupidity. Alas, it's too late now. Next time I'll remember, though. So maybe, just maybe, you could stop acting like a fuckwit for, oh, say, twenty seconds, and then I could stop thinking nonstop about how I wish you would buy life insurance so that I would lose the only reason left (that it's not worth my effort) that I haven't bothered to kill you yet.
At the very least, stop bitching and moaning about how tight money is and pouting every time my mother does something like, oh, buy her HEART MEDICINE, and look around you and realize that, unlike ANYONE ELSE WE KNOW, you have ALL of the following...
—a roof over your head in no danger of repossession.
—a family who isn't completely insane.
—a spouse who is still alive (despite your BEST EFFORTS) and who, for some reason, still loves you.
—three adult and moderately successful children who are still alive who, for some reason, still love you.
—two grandchildren and three nieces who are practically grandchildren who are all in absolutely ungodly good health considering their births AND who love you unconditionally because they aren't yet old enough to know what a whining BITCH you are.
—things like two working cars, plus a third that works well enough that you can still use it in an emergency, decent household appliances, a well full of clean water, a house and an acre of yard far away from anyone who would ruin it, and a computer with Internet access (dial-up, yes, but still access!)
—basically a lifestyle that isn't perfect but is still a hundred times better than your's was when you were MY age, which is every parents' goal, to make life better for their kids than it was for them, right?
—even if it's not always the best of food, never fearing going hungry.
Just, overall, you need to shut up, realize that your life is full of blessings that other people don't have and some people will NEVER have EVER, and stop being so goddamn negative that the only emotion that permeates the whole of the household is an almost overwhelming desire to cause you bodily harm.
You know, It'd be one thing if you were actually DEPRESSED, but you're NOT, and I KNOW you're NOT because if you WERE, you wouldn't have that shit-eating smile on your face when you spend six solid hours playing that stupid video game of your's instead of looking for work to try and earn some money so LIFE DOESN'T SUCK like you think it does. The ONLY reason I haven't felt spiteful enough to sabotage that game is because it's the only thing that SHUTS YOU UP.

Your daughter,

P.S. Despite the raging vitriol that I don't let out nearly enough, you're still my daddy and I love you, but god DAMNIT, SHAPE UP OR SHUT UP.


04-02-2008, 05:41 PM
I'll actually be down there for my birthday with bf and a bunch of friends. June 13th -15th.

You'll just miss my birthday, June 8th, and my Recovery From My Birthday Day, June 8th. By the way.....Geminis rock!!!

Drop me a line when the time nears. :cheers:

Dear Coworker #1:

You have been here a month. I am training you on the bar. Do not sit there and condescend to me about how things are supposed to be done, just because you've "been in the industry for ten years." I've been doing this for 21, so get off your fucking high horse and stop acting like you are too good to do certain things.

Dear Coworker #2:

You have been here a month. Do not sit there and condescend to me about how things are supposed to be done. I have been working here for well over a year, and will run circles around you. With a hangover. And a cold.

Dear Coworker #3: You have been here 2 days. You made my shift training you on the floor an absolute piece of cake by knowing just about everything you need to know and how to do your job. And you had a great attitude about 95% of it, too. Thank you. You rock. Can you talk to Coworkers #1 and 2 for me please?



04-02-2008, 06:03 PM
Dear assistant manager I work with in the morning,

Thank you for coming to work closer to 9 AM on Saturday mornings. Though once the warmer weather comes here, I won't mind waiting in front of the store for you to show up. :D

Also, you rawk! You are awesome! I love to work with you.

We should hang out more often. I'm definitely taking you to the local diner I've told you about. Just name the time and date.


Dear Husband,

Thank you so much for helping me move the furniture with me last night - NOT. :mad: I had to do that today. I now have shooting pains going from just below my butt to all the way down my legs. I may not be able to walk again for a few hours. Even sitting here typing this to you isn't helping.

I will be curled up on the couch when you get home, crying.

I am not your manly mother,
IDaR aka Your Wife

04-02-2008, 06:09 PM
Drop me a line when the time nears. :cheers:

I will indeed. :)

Dear Ignorant Parent #1,

You really need to teach your child not to interrupt people. I do believe that every parent has a right to raise their child as they see fit but common manners are a pretty important lesson.

I love kids, all kids..even yours, but your daughters rapid fire questions are grating on my nerves.

The Babysitter.

PS. Your son is adorable.

Dear Ignorant Parent #2,

Do you know why your son won't go to bed for you? I do. It's probably because you make bedtime into such a huge ordeal that he ends up getting himself worked up. He's 2. He doesn't understand that sleep is important. He just knows that you are making a bug fuss out of something and leaving him in a dark room for the night.

Put him in his PJ's and tell him it's time to have an elmo pajama party, sit with him in his room and watch the elmo video. He will be out cold in 15 minutes... every time. The first time I told you this you were astounded that this worked and you sang my praises for at least 20 minutes..yet you haven't tried doing it yourself. Why? It's not rocket science.

If you can't do it fine...but don't complain to me that you can never get him to go to sleep as well as I can. That's sort of sad. He's your kid.

The Babysitter

PS. He's also probably old enough to feed himself.

Dear Ignorant Parent #4,

Dear god what do you feed your daughter? The child has the energy of 20 kids half her age.

The Babysitter.

Dear Amazing Parents,

Thank you for doing your job. Your girls are a delight.

The Babysitter

04-02-2008, 06:20 PM
Dear Man of the Household©,

I love you. You know that. If I didn't, I wouldn't live with you OR be engaged to you.

However, you really need to get a fucking job. Please. I don't think it's fair to either of us that I'm the only one working. Get off your ass and apply at a damn grocery store. You say you miss working in seafood--do something about it.

Or maybe go back to school. You have two years left of a paid scholarship. You said before I even moved out there that that is something you've been considering. You still have your books in one of the closets at the other house. Read up.

Oh, and since YOU'RE the one that's home all day, clean. Sure, maybe some of my stuff is cluttering the rooms. Sorry about that. Put my stuff in a box and stick it in the second bedroom. I'll go through it. I promise.

Oh, yeah. Do your damn taxes. NOW. Stop snoring behind me and do it.



Your (not so) tolerant angel

Evil Queen
04-02-2008, 07:19 PM
Dear Sucky neighbor to my right,

Please stop running your power tools! I understand you have to get some stupid little thing cut but can you please wait until AFTER 10am to do it?! I work hard and usually late so I'm still asleep at 7AM!

Tired of you,

Dear Sucky Neighbors to the Left,
Please make your sucky children pick up their skateboards and rollerblades out of my walkway. My walkway goes directly to my door and is in no way in your way. I do not appreciate tripping over their toys on the way into my house.
If they leave their toys there again I will keep them for myself!


Dear Significant Other,
Darling, I love you but please stop asking me to do your laundry! The only reason I will consider doing your laundry is if I don't have enough of MY laundry to finish a load. I don't wear your clothes so you can just wash them yourself.

Love you,

04-02-2008, 10:55 PM
Dear person whom I was supposed to meet at their store this morning,

If I can make it across three counties during rush hour to make it to your store on time you can drag your @$$ out of bed an extra half hour earlier to drive 10-15 minutes to your store.

I have a lot to do and really do not enjoy sitting outside of your store for 45 minutes waiting for you.

Oh, and don't complain that the store isn't ready. If you were there on time, the store would have been ready for your customers when you open.

Dear cell-phone talking drivers,


Dear people who try to get me into an accident,

Yes, I drive a company van, a big one. Cutting me off and then slamming on your breaks will NOT make me rear-end you. I know, times must be hard enough for you to try to commit a felony (insurance fraud) just to try to get extra cash. Also, as for the 4 counties I cover, my wife trains the police K9s for a lot of them AND a lot of police officer's personal pet dogs plus my driving record has been clean for almost 20 years. Guess who's side they'll take?

Dear people in front of me at the red, now green light:

GO! The light is now green. Now is NOT the time to go into the glove box or passenger seat to fiddle with something. The light is green which means GO. Don't sit and dick around with your shit. I have a lot to do and none of it include sitting behind a complete moron trying to remember what to do when the light turns green.

Also, when the light turns red STOP. I do not like sitting there when my light turns green only to have to slam on my breaks because you're too stupid to notice the light is red or in too much of a hurry to risk a major accident. Next time I should T-bone you.

Dear people auctioning domains on another forum,
Don't pot an "opening bid" unless you're willing to sell it for that much. Don't sit and tell people you're refusing their bids because it isn't enough. POST AN ACCURATE OPENING BID. Plus don't tell people that you will only sell it for the BIN (Buy It Now), if you want that much, sell it for that much.

Also, drop the ridiculous bid increments. An opening bid of $5 with $25 increments will mean you will sell the domain for $5 (unless it is really good), chances are it is not worth $30.

04-03-2008, 01:19 AM
Dear Mum,
I know that you are slowly morphing into a Psycho Bitch, but could you please hold off until I have moved out. It's not that long, really. Just wait until next Wednesday night before you decide to go into my 22 year old brother's room and start screaming at him to fall asleep.

And don't get mad at me when I try to get you to go away, because you are not in a healthy state of mind. It is NOT ok for you to scream at him, it is NOT ok how he is behaving. However, you can not control him, so stop trying to.

And it isn't ok that I have to wake up at 11.30pm terrified in my bed thinking that maybe you will hit him (again), or maybe that he will finally retaliate. Your relationship together is poisonous, and you both need help. And after I get you to go to bed, and stop screaming at my brother, you screaming at me not to touch you when I touched your shoulder when I guided you through the kitchen, do NOT tell me in the morning not to interfere when you are disciplining your son. I am YOUR daughter, surely you have enough respect for me to let me sleep in peace, and not be freaking out in my bedroom. What you are doing is WRONG, why can't you see it?

And for fuck's sake, you are the one who suspects that he has a mental illness, so I don't know how much screaming at him will help his state of mind.


PS: Have you not realised that what you are doing is scarring our relationship for life? I can no longer forgive you for what you are doing, I can not forget what you are doing. The pain wont go away, and that's why I have been distancing myself from you. And that's why I will continue to.

Fuck I wish dad was here.

For all those who read this, mum was mad at my brother because he was still awake at 11.30, playing computer games. Apparently he has to go to bed at 10am and wake up at 8am. That's what normal people do.

04-03-2008, 01:30 AM
Dear Mum and Dad,

Sometimes you really aggravate me and sometimes I don't know what the hell I would do without you. I know there is stuff I'm supposed to do and I haven't done it yet, but in case you haven't noticed: I'm not mentally fit to live by myself. I have the mind of a 14 year old with access to a lot of porn. Mostly hot-smexy-man-porn.

I understand I'm supposed to have made an appointment with the doctors to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and this vicious cycle of mood swings/personality shifts. I understand I am not supposed to crack my neck/back/shoulders/elbows/knuckles/toes because the chiropractor said it wasn't good for me, but dang-it, it hurts if I don't! I am at least eating mostly right (I need a sammich) and I'm keeping my glucose levels under control.

Please don't hound me about getting a job, although so far this round you haven't. I'm very thankful for that, but I don't dictate who calls me back first or when. I tried that, I'm pretty sure my application was junked upon reading that.

And please pay me back the 300$ I gave you to get out of the hole. I'd really like that money back in my emergency fund.

-Your Son "Clyde"

Dear Mimi,

I stopped eating sugar, please stop buying junkfood. I had a nervous breakdown and I hit rock bottom so hard I was sick for two days. So please don't make me go into a sugar coma just to keep you happy, as much as I want to die, I'd really rather not do it here and I have a list of stuff I have to do the length of my leg I have to complete beforehand.

Your grandbaby,

Dear Aunt C,

What part of "gay" didn't you get the first time? Stop teasing me about my friends! Just because they're my friends it doesn't mean I wanna shag 'em!


Dear Sister-chan,

Will you make me jello when we move to NM?
-Your baby bro

Dear fuzzy child that doesn't exist yet,

There are a lot of things I'm sort of expecting from you, and I want you to know that you don't have to perfect. If I start to get all uppity about it, you have my full permission to snap at me to get my attention. Just please don't break any skin. I can only imagine what your teething days will be like, and though I may talk to you about my last fuzzy-sister, please understand that you are in no way, shape or form, a replacement for her. You will be your own fuzzy self and I will promise to teach you to the best of my ability. Please don't be upset if I get impatient, but I'm a real crappy teacher, I admit now. If I get impatient, go see Big Sister and she'll yell at me for you.

I love you so much and I haven't met you yet!
-Your Big Brother.

Dear Gaming Buddies,

Psychobilly Freakout. Left handed. On Expert. BEAT MY SCORE BITCH-BOYS! :devil:

Your Man In Amsterdam,
Shinsuke Maru

Evil Queen
04-03-2008, 01:47 AM
Dear Sister-chan,

Will you make me jello when we move to NM?
-Your baby bro
Dear baby Bro,

Yes I'll make you jello but only as long as it isn't fruit punch flavoured.

-Your mean big sister

Dear FurrBaby I want to adopt,

Why do you have to be so expensive to adopt? I know it's a good idea to get you fixed and your shots up top date and a chip "installed" but gosh darn it, why will you cost hundreds of dollars when my last furrbaby was less then 40$? Personally, I don't blame you. I blame TX, but that's another "dear" letter.

-Your wanna-be-future-Mommy

Evil Queen
04-03-2008, 01:51 AM
Dear TX,

Why do you have to suck?

Not much love,

04-03-2008, 02:06 AM
Dear Mom and Grampa Asshole,

I am sorry I'm not perfect like my little brother. You think it's so funny to call him "Brains" and call me "Beauty". You think it's so cute to point out how he is going to college immediately this fall, is graduating with honors, and will be making hundreds of thousands of dollars more than me while I waste away at a factory.

FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU. I graduated with a 3.0. I graduated in the top 50% of my class. Most kids around here are a bunch of slobbering pieces of meat. I am smarter than a lot of people my age. Let's see...I also don't have any kids yet, I haven't been incarcerated, I have a clean criminal record, I make MORE money than you, Mommy dearest with your fancy degree, I work full time, I have my OWN apartment that I pay for on my OWN, I can afford all of my bills and guess what? I am doing ALRIGHT.

Stop trying to put a wedge between me and baby brother. We have a great relationship and I do NOT want you to tarnish it by trying to brainwash him into thinking that I'm a failure. STOP telling him "Don't do what your sister did". By the way, your perfect little son does drink and he does smoke pot. So he is just as bad if not worse than I was.

I love you two, but sometimes, I wish you'd go to HELL. I may regret writing this later, but at this very moment, I am pissed that YET AGAIN you HAD to remind me of how great and smart little brother is and how big of a failure I am.

04-03-2008, 02:11 AM
Dear baby Bro,

Yes I'll make you jello but only as long as it isn't fruit punch flavoured.

-Your mean big sister

Dear Sister-Chan,


-Your pouting baby brother.

Dear Verizon,

I understand it's late, but I've been trying to get a "Temporary PIN" from you for two days because I've been trying to figure out the the HECK is with this phantom voicemail on my grandmother's phone. There shouldn't be a voicemail, because voicemail wasn't set up. I'd really appreciate it if you got back to me in the 20 minutes it says stated on your website, but since I've been sitting here staring at the screen for 3 hours WAITING FOR YOU, I don't think I'm going to get a bloody answer.

Thanks, but whatever,
A customer with a migraine

Dear Dad,

Just because I was staring at the vacuum cleaner doesn't mean my mind went unhinged. Thanks to you and your saying that, I can't look at the vacuum without dying from laughter. Thanks a lot, old man. :p

-Your son "Clyde"

04-03-2008, 02:41 AM
Dear people who try to get me into an accident,

Yes, I drive a company van, a big one. Cutting me off and then slamming on your breaks will NOT make me rear-end you. I know, times must be hard enough for you to try to commit a felony (insurance fraud) just to try to get extra cash.

That's insane.

Dear parents,

When your daughter has just gone into shock from pain, and all you could do for her was give her over-the-counter painkillers, this is not the time to lecture her on how much of a wuss she is.

I didn't even cry. I didn't complain. I just sat there and tried not to spoil your outing. I knew how important it was to the two of you to share your pretty picnic spot with us, that's why I didn't say anything when I realised it was going to hurt me to get there.

But just because I chose to bear the pain in silence and mask it from my expression as much as possible, doesn't mean it wasn't severe. It put me into shock, dammit! I can't help being in pain! I don't need a lecture on top of it.

You're a pair of ungrateful asshats sometimes, and I really didn't want to have to realise that.

Your loving, but badly disappointed daughter.

04-03-2008, 04:40 AM
Dear Mom and Stepdad:

Thank you for being the rockin' parents you have been. You weren't perfect, you did the best you could, and frankly, that was pretty damn good. I'm sorry if I sometimes disappoint you or don't live up to your expectations, and I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you in the time we've been together. And thank you for reminding me how awesome you are, every time I hear a story about how this or that parent did this or that fucked up thing to their kid......Y'all rock, and I love you both.

Gratetful Jester

Dear Fucked Up Parents of the World:

Stop being such assholes and shitting on people I like. Sack up, pull the stick out of your ass, and stop being such bungholes.

Annoyed Jester

Dear Friend:

Thank you for rubbing it in. Thank you for coming to my bar with the hot chick you are hooking up with, while I sit there and play Golden Tee and look like a tool. Thanks for introducing me to this attractive, intelligent, charming, funny, witty young lady that you are banging and in a week won't give a shit about while you know I haven't gotten laid since the Nixon Administration. Thank you for telling me every single time you hook up with some hottie tourist, while you know that, for whatever reason, even the ugly ones aren't looking my way. You are an awesome Wing Man. Thanks for making sure I know that if I hung out with you more, I would hook up more....even though I have never ONCE hooked up while hanging out with you, and you not only don't help me out as a "Wing Man," but actively tear me down in front of any women we might meet.

Thanks, "friend."

Pissy Jester

Dear Cupid.com,

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop sending me a "match notification" for the girl I dated 2 years ago. Yeah, she's hot.....I'll give you that. But she also is the Second Most Psychotic Girl I've Ever Dated. Which means I ain't going through that minefield again, mmkay?

Unimpressed Jester

Dear Ex-Fiancee,



04-03-2008, 07:31 AM
I thought it was obvious. I despise my middle name, and want it to go away. Preferably far away. Say, Madagascar. Or Pluto. It's one of only two things I have never forgiven my mother for. The other one being lima beans.

Well - true, it was sort of obvious... but then, why not change it? I don't have the name my parents in this life gave me, and it's "I'd have to kill you if I told you" material now... I decided it was more important than leaving a place that I hated being in... (but that's just me!:D) It offended the hell out of my father... but hey - who gives a toss?

04-03-2008, 11:12 AM
Dear Home Computer,

How? How did you get riddled with viruses, spam, spyware, etc? I've tried and I thought I was succesful in cleaning you up, but AVG told me last night that you had 3 more viruses! I take care of you, I don't visit sketchy websites, in fact all the trouble started after I visited Myspace!

I'll reformat you in June when the Mrs is done with school because knowing my luck something will go horribly wrong when I attempt to fix you again.

Dear Pshyco Bitch who used to own my house,

Ok, thank-you for accepting our offer, we love the house and the neighborhood. But,

1. Why did you decorate the landscape with red rocks? It looked stupid and it took me two days to get rid of it all.

2. Why did you let your horse of a dog gnaw on everything? I've got to replace all the door trim, the sliding door, etc because he scratched it all to hell.

3. I know they are your friends, but do you have any idea how odd it is to look out my window Saturday nights and see your vehicle parked next door? It's almost every freaking weekend you are there! (PS S & C are annoyed that you visit D & C but not them)

4. It's not your house anymore, it is my wife's and mine. Please when we see you stop referring to it as yours. Also, saying "I wish I could pay you to just sleep there another night" and running off crying just made us feel extremely awkward, I've changed the locks because of that incident.

Dear Awesome Neighbors,

You rock. You've got your eccentricities for sure but for the most part you rock. I'll get used to knocking on the door when I need something instead of running to the store or borrowing it from my Dad, but you have to understand. Growing up, and at my last house I (or my Dad) were the one's people borrowed from. We were the one's who did it all first and people followed suit, so it's going to take me a while to get used to asking for things. It's no slight on you, I'm just not used to it.

Side bar #1: Sure, I'm a little crazy, but when something flies off my roof I will put the ladder up there and fix it. I have no fear of heights or roofs so standing on the ground saying "I've got 911 on hold" isn't really funny. And sure I could have called and asked you to spot me when I was running the chainsaw from a top a ladder, but I had my cell on me had I cut my hand off.

Side bar #2: I'm an early riser. (I will never run power tools or my mower before 10 AM on a weekend though.) So, if you get out of bed at 10 AM Sunday morning and look outside to see my yard looks a lot different don't be surprised.

Side bar #3: I too care about my lawn (obviously not as much as you though M) but I feel no need to mow my lawn on April 2 when it's just a smidgen shaggy, especially if I just put seed down. Please stop with the odd looks, I'll mow in a week or two.

Dear Other Neighbors,


04-03-2008, 12:35 PM
...why not change it?

Not sure. Not worth the effort? Not that huge a deal? Don't want to change what my parents named me? Despite my opinion of my middle name, I was named after my father's father--both my first and middle names come from his first and middle names. Sure, I go on about my middle name being a piece of crap (and it is), but there are far worse out there, and when it comes down to it, there are far worse things in my life.

At least nowadays Florida allows me to only have my middle initial on my license, not my full name like they used to require. :lol:

04-03-2008, 12:54 PM
Dear Coworkers,

See that thing on your desk, making that ringing sound? That's calling your PHONE. And if it rings more than three times, SOMEONE is supposed to pick it up. It doesn't matter who. Granted, it's supposed to be me most of the time, that's part of my job-to answer your phone when you aren't here to answer it. However, if I am ALREADY on the phone with someone who was calling one of YOU, or on the phone with one of my funeral homes, doing the MAIN part of my job (because hi, you guys might squabble over front page, but face facts, MY page o'death is the most read in the paper, so get used to it) and another phone starts ringing, ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO GET IT.

Further, if you are in the newsroom and your phone is ringing, kindly stop chatting long enough to ANSWER IT. It's really getting hard to resist the urge to start telling your sources that they aren't more important than your date last night and the color of your new shoes. Honestly, I don't care if you blab all day long, just ANSWER YOUR PHONE.


Dear Funeral Homes,

The deadline (pun) to get the obituaries in to me is 2:30. Some of you do not seem to understand the definition of the word "deadline". So I consulted dictionary.com for you.

"the time by which something must be finished or submitted; the latest time for finishing something: a five o'clock deadline."

Okay, that means you have UNTIL 2:30 to get the stuff to me. NOT, as many of you seem to think, that you have to get it to me AT 2:30. Because every day, from 2:25 to 2:45, I am actually unable to do any work other than answer the phone and tell all of you that the reason the fax is busy is because ten of you are jamming it all at once since none of you could be bothered to do your JOBS until the last possible second.

Further, if it were up to me, we would have a "corrections" deadline, say, 3, by which time you would have to call in any corrections or errors or whatever you find on your obituaries...otherwise, the obit goes in messed up and YOU have to pay to fix it. When they're supposed to be in the hands of the copy editors at 4:00 and at 4:55, I'm still taking phone calls from you because you left off half a dozen relatives, there's a freaking problem. I'm actually very aware that several of you are sending "placeholder" obituaries just prior to deadline so that you can call me 10 times afterwards to make your "little" corrections. I'm planning to let you know this in very great and very loud detail as soon as my manager RM's back is turned.

Finally, you should all be coming up here to regularly lick RM's boots, because if she weren't here to be a level head of reason and compassion, I would be a freaking NAZI about the obituaries and it would be a flaming miracle if I allowed an obit sent at 2:30:05 to be put in the paper, let alone any of the rest of this.


Dear hydrogen peroxide spray that I just spritzed into an open wound,




04-03-2008, 04:00 PM
Dear Roommate of Mine,

You are a fine roommate, truly. You're an upstanding human being who has gotten a rough shake in life, and I'm quite glad to have been around to pluck you off the streets twice now and help you get your life back together, since neither time you were nearly homeless was it your fault in any way. However.


Also, just because we recently moved and you now have much more privacy, does not mean that you no longer have chores. You still pay 1/3 of the rent and I pay 2/3. The agreement is that, in exchange for your not being able to pay as much rent as I do, you do certain chores around the house. I understand you are enjoying your privacy and probably wanking 30 times a day now that you have a room with, well, a door. But please come out, wash your hands, and help unpack the rest of our stuff, do the dishes, mop the kitchen floor, and clean the tub and toilet. It's not much to ask, considering you've also been eating those homemade cookies I got from my mom without permission, and those are GOOD cookies.


Had it with Floaters.

Dear SO,

I love you. But do NOT block my car into the driveway when I have to work in the morning. Or, if you do, your ass better be up moving it BEFORE I am ready to leave, not sleeping like a nude log when I'm ready to leave and THEN suddenly find my car can't be moved.

Oh, and if you can't be bothered to abide by the above? Don't act hurt if you don't get a goodbye kiss and instead receive a goodbye GLARE as I run to my car to leave as soon as you've removed yours.

One more thing: Providing care for your grandfather and grandmother is important, and I think it's really sweet you're dedicated to being there for them as long as they need you. Too many people these days don't respect their elders. However, they have other people with them on the weekends. GET A DAMN JOB on the weekends, and when I FIND you jobs, stop making excuses like "I don't know how to do that!" DUH you don't know how to do that, you haven't started yet- that's what TRAINING is for.

Blocked In Second Fiddle

04-03-2008, 04:14 PM
Part 2 for the man.

If you buy a gallon of 2% milk for me and a gallon of skim for you, why do you drink the 2% first? I DESPISE skim milk and you know it. You're just to damn lazy to move your pitcher of...what is it today? fruit punch? out of the way.

Oh, and that cereal you're eating? You told me you didn't like it. You're still eating it. WHY?

04-03-2008, 04:26 PM
Dear Wild Exotic Orchard of Pimples On My Left Cheek:

I swore I'd gotten rid of you last week.....just when the hell did you renew your lease with me?

Dear Minivan Family Of Four On My Right Cheek:

Where the fuck did you come from? Great...both sides of my cheeks are full of pimples.......I am never wearing safety goggles at work again.

Fuck you,


04-03-2008, 04:29 PM
Dear Motorcycle,

Damn you. You know it's finally nice out. I could be out riding you. Instead, you're sitting in my driveway taunting me each time I pull up. I've treated you well. You haven't even had time to hate me as you were only used for a couple of months before the car accident screwed up my back for a bit and then the snow came. Now I have to take you to the shop. I don't see why this is neccessary.

As always,
Sad I'm not getting to ride,

04-03-2008, 04:42 PM
Dear Mom,

Please stop worrying over every little thing. If there's nothing you can do to actually solve a problem, worrying certainly won't help. It only makes you more stressed out. One of the reasons why I can't stand to spend more than a few hours at a time with you is because you project your stress onto everyone around you. Yes, life is potentially dangerous. It doesn't mean that I need to be worried about being raped or robbed every time I leave the house. Again, worrying does nothing to help.

Stop thinking that the world is a bad place. I know, your religion tells you that this world is bad, and that God will soon come and fix everything. Please don't sit back and wait for God to make a move. Please, enjoy this world and all the wonderful things it has to offer while you are still here. It is possible to be happy in this existence. I want you to be happy in this existence. It pains me that you focus so much on the negative things in this world. This life is what we make of it. I urge you to make the best of it while you have a chance.

Lastly, please stop hinting about how you want me to return to your religion. I was unhappy all my life being a part of it. Now that I've distanced myself from it and have discovered my own core values, I'm a better person all around. Since I've left, I've noticed the cult-like aspects of that religion. I wouldn't ask you to leave the church, since I think it's the one of the few things that's kept your will to live going. However, I'm content with my life, and do not need or want the support of those people. Stop trying to get me back there.

Unconditional Love,

Your daughter


Dear Period,

Why have you come back? I haven't seen you since September, and boy was I happy to be rid of you. I considered myself lucky that you disappeared the first month I started Depo-Provera. Why must you come back unannounced seven months later, at a time when I no longer keep feminine products in the house? Worse yet, why have you chosen to make your return right before the bf and I go away on vacation? I really don't want to interrupt our relaxation time by having to attend to you, and the unpleasant side effects you bring.

On the plus side, at least you've let me know I'm not pregnant.

Please go away again,


04-03-2008, 04:44 PM
Dear Tooth,

The dentist said you would stop hurting, SO STOP HURTING! I have to go to work tonight and do my job which is hard to do when I'm in pain, so stop already!

I swear I'm going to pull you out myself if you don't stop!

I'm getting the pliers,

04-03-2008, 07:04 PM
To my body,

Why do you hurt so, I have only done a couple of hours manual labour yet my arm feels like I've held it funny for years, my back is still stiff from chopping logs two days ago and lets not even go near the subject of my left hand and right wrist.

you suck


04-03-2008, 07:42 PM
Dear Facilities Management;

Someday the fire alarm is going to go off for real and no one is going to believe it. I'm also on the top floor and this doesn't make me happy.

-Kentucky Fried Draggar

04-03-2008, 08:01 PM
Dear D,

I know things suck right now and you're stressing out but I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I just wish that you'd stop being so damn stubborn and let me do more for you.

Love always,

04-03-2008, 08:41 PM
Dear Internet,

Please stop distracting me from work!

-Workin' 9 to 5

04-03-2008, 09:06 PM
Not Dear Husband,

Why the in the blue blazes hail, do you want to change our daughter's eye appointment? You were not around for her 2nd eye appointment with the eye doctor. My mom & dad were! You know when doctors start talking surgery and blindness and other bad things happening about our daughter, I get very very anxious!

I do not care that the Awards Luncheon for your work is the same day. I doubt they'll give your award (if you have won an award that is) to someone else. They'll save it for you to give to you the next time they see you!

You. need. to. be. at. the. eye. appointment. It. is. April. 10th. at. 3:15 PM. You darn well better NOT change the appointment day and time!

Your livid wife,

Dear state of Virginia's weather,

Why the heck is it sleeting right now??? It's the first week of April! April SHOWERS bring May flowers - NOT April sleetings! Grrrrrr!

No love,
A Virginia resident

Andara Bledin
04-04-2008, 12:56 AM
I take care of you, I don't visit sketchy websites, in fact all the trouble started after I visited Myspace!

Totally off-topic, but in way too many cases, MySpace is a sketchy website. It's disturbingly popular, and if there's a way to serve something nasty over a webpage, some schmuck will stick it on a MySpace page until it gets patched out.


04-04-2008, 01:11 AM
Dear Mom,

I love you.

DESPITE the fact that I came home from the Marine Corps to find you gone, our family home sold, and it had been that way for over a year before my EOS. The fact that I had no place to live and my suposedly rock solid "Old School" parents now hated each other is not something that should have been discussed with me. I realize you "not wanting me to worry" wasn't actually you "not giving a damn about me having every last posession stuffed into a duffle bag and NOTHING ELSE TO FALL BACK ON!"

The fact that ever since then, every other word out of your mouth has been a complaint, a plea for money, or yet another tale of woe has been so FANTASTIC over the years. I mean, how many OTHER PEOPLE get to think "How much is THIS gonna cost me??" when their mother calls?

Oh.. and hearing three versions of the same story from differant relatives, every time you get into a fight has been SOOOO RELAXING.

You raised me.
You loved me, despite me being a whiny pain in the ass sometimes.

I got 21 years.
You got 21 years.

Are we even YET?!?!?

Evil Queen
04-04-2008, 01:31 AM
Dear Neighbor's behind me,

Why the hell did you let your car alarm go off for TWO HOURS this morning?! I know you're NOT DEAF but come on, NEITHER IS EVERYONE ELSE~! If it goes off, and off, and off, and off AGAIN I will personally go over and break the back windshield so there's a REASON it's going off!

Your extremely tired and pissed off neighbor with a tire iron,

Not sure. Not worth the effort? Not that huge a deal? Don't want to change what my parents named me? Despite my opinion of my middle name, I was named after my father's father--both my first and middle names come from his first and middle names. Sure, I go on about my middle name being a piece of crap (and it is), but there are far worse out there, and when it comes down to it, there are far worse things in my life.

At least nowadays Florida allows me to only have my middle initial on my license, not my full name like they used to require. :lol:A friend of mine in CT changed his middle name about a year ago now. At least I think it was a year ago now... he said it was pretty easy and didn't cost much to do. Just time, mostly.
He hated his middle name because it was the same name of his ex-girlfriends new fiance and it upset him to no end. Also I think it, too, was his Dad's name but I'm not sure.
Now he has a cool middle name rather then a boring generic one. :D

04-04-2008, 03:22 AM
Dear Coworker,
I'm sorry I tried to pimp you out to a police officer for a pair of sunglasses.

In all fairness though, the sunglasses were for you and you told me I could. Not to mention you did get them for free. Thank you for having a good sense of humor which is why we are such good friends.

The crazy one who you keep throwing things at.

P.S. I still think we could have barganed for more than just the sunglasses but oh well.

04-04-2008, 03:47 AM
Dear right hand,

Stop having shooting...well, not pains, just shooting whatever.

Seriously, knock it off. One of these days I'm going to drop something and I won't be happy about it.

The body you're attached to


Dear knees (left one especially),

What the hell caused you to spaz out in 2001?

Why do you feel gross when I bend and stretch out?

Thanks for causing me pain, ranging from annoying to excruciating, whenever it rains for longer than three hours at a time.

Damn you.


Dear right foot,

I don't know what I did, but holy biscuit. I would like to make it through one whole shift without limping.

Limping sucks.


Dear Lizziebeff,

Thank you for being a wonderful sister.

I love you.

I know I haven't always been as nice to you as I should be. I'm sorry.

I'm also sorry I forgot to give you money for Febreeze for when you let me smoke in your car.

I miss you.



04-04-2008, 03:59 AM
Dear Becks:

Here I am again,
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near
Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
Can't separate
You're all I hoped you'd become
Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you
Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
Our flames burn as one
Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you
All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we fall asleep underneath the same sky
You're all I knew you'd become
Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you
Intertwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see walking there...
I see you dancing in my mind
(thank you, Nixons!)

Thank YOU for being a wonderful sister.

I love you.

I know I haven't always been as nice to you as I should be. I'm sorry.

There is, and always will be, room for you here, if and when you need it.

You are my best friend.


04-04-2008, 04:40 AM
Dear person who has an answer for everything,

I have caught you in so many lies and half truths, and when I call you on them, you always have an answer. Don't you know that the internet exists, and Google is your friend, and the truth can be verified with just a few keystrokes and the click of a mouse?
All your outrageous claims can be seen through if a person just uses their head and doesn't blindly believe everything told to them.

I am really sick of your drama. Nothing is ever simple in your world. It's as if Murphy's Law was written just for you, because anything that can go wrong, does go wrong when it comes to your life - at least, it seems that way, based on all your wild stories.

I especially love it when you tell the same story twice and give 2 different versions of the details. Here's a tip, if you're going to lie, make sure you remember which version you have told before repeating it to the same group of people.

Quit playing for attention and preying on the sympathy of kind-hearted people. Too many people are willing to believe the best of others, and you have people right in the palm of your hand, eating up your tales of misery and feeling sorry for you.

You claim not to have money, and then spend any that you have in stupid ways, but nobody notices. Well, I notice, because everything you say to me now is suspect, and I verify every claim you make.

One of these days, you won't have an easy answer, and I will out you for the liar and needy, grasping attention whore that you are. It will not be pretty.


Quoted for emphasis!

04-04-2008, 01:35 PM
A friend of mine in CT changed his middle name about a year ago now. At least I think it was a year ago now... he said it was pretty easy and didn't cost much to do. Just time, mostly.

Fair enough....but that doesn't change the other reasons I haven't changed my reviled middle name. Just saying.

Dear My Hangover,

Go away. I know I invited you in with my shenanigans last night, but really....just leave. Begone, foul reminder of spirits! Don't MAKE me break out the Advil and Gatorade, damnit!

Next Day Jester

Dear Drunk and Crazy Spring Break Girls at My Bar Yesterday,

Thank you for the entertainment. It was....interesting, to say the least. There are days I love my job....yesterday was one of them. :D

Amused Jester

04-04-2008, 01:40 PM
Dear Jester.

I am most suitabley jealous.



04-04-2008, 01:55 PM
Dear tooth,

Thank you so much for not having any pain today. I'm glad you finally saw it my way and realized that not eating because of the pain was not fun.

The stomach

Dear boss,

Yes, you are a great boss, but sometimes I have to wonder how your mind works.
I told you my tooth and jaw still hurt last night and you said pain is all in the mind. No, it was in my mouth and jaw! :p

Besides, if you were correct I wouldn't have to see a pain specialist for my back. I would just have to wish the pain away. You haven't been in the pain I have had and prayed to any god that would listen to take it away or kill me, so I wouldn't be in such horrible pain.

I'm glad you are not a doctor, because you would suck at it. Don't worry, I'm still glad that you are my boss, since you rock at it, but don't ever go to med. school.

I really didn't mean to look at you like you just sprouted another head, really I didn't. I couldn't help it.

Still glad your my boss,

04-04-2008, 02:49 PM
Dear ears,

First, please don't let my lastest piercings get infected a week before I can take the starter studs out. I know you did it the first two times I got my ears pierced, but can you take pity on me this time? I'd appreciate it.

Also, first piercings. Why the hell don't you like the earrings I'm trying to wear? They're pretty. They're new, I know, but you never give me problems with any other pair. This is the second day I've tried to put them in. I really don't want to get the man of the household to do it, what with his shaky hands. That might not be pleasant.

Second piercings, your turn. Except for when you got infected the week before I could take my starters out, you've been well behaved. Thank you for that.

The body you're attached to

04-04-2008, 04:30 PM
Dear heartburn:

Why must you always flare up when I'm on a date? Here I am trying to look great, act cool, and have a great time with a guy I'm starting to really really like, and then you kick in....and make me miserable and make an idiot out of me.

Thankfully he was an understanding guy and he gave me some Tums to hold me over until we got back to my place and I could get some Zantac.

Honestly, I go out to eat with my family and girlfriends, and I can eat whatever, and you never show up. The SECOND you see I'm on a date with a guy, you flare up. I swear I could be out for ice cream and you'd do it if you could.

(not so much) Love,


Dear Pimples:

Thank you for cooling down and hiding yourselves for a day. I really appreciated how non-existent you all looked yesterday. You look even better today! Maybe it's cuz I'm not at work.

Dear Zyporex:

Thank you for telling those pimples to shut up.

04-04-2008, 04:38 PM
Dear money.

What? Please, just tell me - What? What is it about me that makes you stay away from me? Do I smell? Do I annoy you?? Why don't you ever invite your friends to stay? I'm sure together, we could all get along wonderfully. Please just give me a chance. My wallet feels empty without you - I think it's depressed and not eating any more - it's looking all gaunt and sad and lonely.

I can appreciate that maybe with my personality, you can't stand to be in my presence for too long - but that's ok. I don't have a problem with you having other friends. I'm even quite willing to drive you to them, and even hand you over into their care.

But please - just stay with me a bit longer, and let me get to know your friends.

Missing you,

Dear debts.

I have a confession to make - I don't really like you. I would seriously rather that you just up and left me alone, and never EVER contacted me again! I know - you and money don't get along - or is it that you do?? You 2 have been having an isidious relationship behind my back, haven't you??? You've been cheating on my wallet all this time! You BITCH! Get the hell out of my life, and stop trying to backstab me to money!

Pissed and indebted - Slyt.

__________________________________________________ ____

Dear Hairline,

I'm starting to think that you're ashamed of my face. Is it my eyes? My nose? Yes - I have noticed that you've been avoiding me lately. I notice that you don't get involved with us any more - that you've been trying to sneak away from them lately. Whatever it is, it's not good enough that you just up and away without even an explanation. What sort of a friend are you?? Get back here and get to wehre you're supposed to be - NOW!

Not happy,

__________________________________________________ _______

Dear Bed & Pillow.

I love you! :D :X


04-04-2008, 05:04 PM
Dear Alarm Clock,

Please actually wake me at the time I set you for! Also if you could grow legs and run when I try to hit snooze, that would be helpful.


Dear Houseguest-to-Be,

I'm sorry the house will be such a mess for your visit :( I just moved last weekend and haven't finished putting things away yet. I hope you still enjoy staying with me!

-Hostest With the Mostest (Boxes)

04-04-2008, 05:23 PM
Dear Teenaged Nieces,


Uncle Jester

Dear Boys Dating My Teenaged Nieces,

GGGGRRRRRRR!!!!! http://www.spokanestreetracing.com/forums/images/smiles/bigfiremad.gif

Your Lord and Master

04-04-2008, 06:38 PM
Dear Saydrah,

you may find this useful. http://www.firebox.com/product/1681

Yours helpfully


04-04-2008, 07:14 PM
Dear ex roommate:

You better hope I never see you again, after you fucked me and my current roommate out of nearly a thousand dollars in late fees and bounced checks. You're failing tests in the Navy, lied to get in to the program you so desperately want out of, and the like.

And no, the stuff you left in the apartment when you moved is mine. You had three months to move the stereo to your moms, you had three months to sell the sofas. You want them back, pay me and R the thousand dollars that we desperately need.

Go fuck yourself, I hope you get shipped off to Guam and spend six years scraping bird shit off a runway.

04-04-2008, 07:24 PM
Dear Drunken College non-peers,

What the hell is wrong with all of you. Do you not see the epic stupidity to be found on partying on a Thursday night, knowing full well you have an important class to go to the next day. And yet you're the ones complaining about failing because the teacher is "unfair" or the tests "too hard."

Grow up you whiny shits. Life will never hand you anything unless luck happens to take a dump on your head, like that random person did last night, in that place, with those people. I'm going to take great pleasure in watching you fail miserably and flop around like a dying fish on land.

A now feeling better,

04-04-2008, 07:54 PM
Dear Tommy Lee (the guy downstairs):

Put a shirt on! Ribcages are only popular on America's Next Top Model. You are not the real Tommy Lee.......if half of the 20 year old girls you oddly attract knew that you actually cannot play guitar, they'd leave you in a New York minute. If it weren't for your amazing skills at male prostitution and drug dealing, no one would want you.

You're gross. Go get updated on all of your shots before you infect the entire city.

Your not amused upstairs neighbor,


04-04-2008, 09:01 PM
Dear clients;


Don't call me until a week from Monday. :wave:

04-04-2008, 09:09 PM
Dear You Know Who You Are,


I don't understand... you seem so intelligent.


Damnit, I really kinda wanted to fuck you, too.


04-04-2008, 09:46 PM
Damnit, I really kinda wanted to fuck you, too.

Now THERE is a backstory I really DO want to hear! :eyewaggle:

04-04-2008, 09:52 PM
I'm kinda curious too.....

on that note:

Dear Guy I'm Seeing:

I hope you weren't too mad last night that I just wanted to sleep. It's a little too soon.....and I'm afraid of big things.....


04-04-2008, 09:53 PM
I'm afraid of big things.....

And THAT could be taken all KINDS of ways!!!! :eyewaggle:

04-05-2008, 12:16 AM

I hope that you realize that not all of us with a certain point of view are idiots or bad people, and I'm sorry that there are idiots that sadly, give you a mostly justified viewpoint. I hate it worse than you do, believe me.

My attitude towards you didn't change, and I hope yours doesn't either.

I respect you, think you're awesome, and still want to totally wreck that shit.



Evil Queen
04-05-2008, 12:58 AM
Dear Boss,

I hope you eat :censored: and :censored::censored: you :censored:!

Your disgruntled employee,

04-05-2008, 04:12 AM
:lol:Dear Me:

Watch this video. Keep things in perspective.



(for those curious, it's "Jiggly Butt" from Foamy the Squirrel.)

Andara Bledin
04-05-2008, 04:28 AM
Why the hell did you let your car alarm go off for TWO HOURS this morning?!

I don't know how it is where you are, but around here, it's against noise ordinances for car alarms to go off for more than a short time, like 10 minutes or something. They can be ticketed beyond that. I'd report it.

Now THERE is a backstory I really DO want to hear! :eyewaggle:

What he said.

Watch this video. Keep things in perspective.

Just curious. Why would you watch it there instead of HERE (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/197426)?

Dear '79 Chrysler LeBaron station wagon,

I am actually surprisingly fond of you, even though you're rather larger than I generally like in a vehicle.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten that hose fixed, but I have been beyond good about keeping the power steering fluid levels up every time I drive. I've also been very good about checking your oil and putting water in as you need it.

I am just requesting that you do not develop any fatal transmission problems. You've got a serious workhorse of an engine that should be good for another 10 years, but if your transmission goes, I don't think I can afford to fix it.

Please keep it together.

Your owner,

p.s. I'll be getting you that tune up and oil change once my refund comes in, I promise.


04-05-2008, 04:32 AM
Dear Andara--

I posted it from YouTube because I was too lazy to post it form somewhere else...that might NOT require someone to be a member to see it. My bad. Thanks for the better link.


Bella :wave:

04-05-2008, 05:17 AM
Dear hiccups,




Dear boss lady,

I hope you enjoy your vacation because when you come back you'll discover that I've put in my two weeks. MWAHAHAHA. :devil:

soon to be ex-coworker

04-05-2008, 05:35 AM
Dear R

You know what, you've been a close friend for three years, and you're choosing to cut off the entire friendship completely, call my intelligence into question, and throw personal insults because I didn't give you an answer you wanted to hear when you asked my honest opinion on something?

Fine, I guess three years worth of friendship meant we could have an intelligent debate about something and lord forbid, even disagree.

No, I don't believe in your religious viewpoint. I once did, and in all honesty, my issues are between myself and God, and have nothing to do with you. Stop trying to make me into your lab rat to try all the new things you learned in Evangelical school on. If I decide to come back to it, it's my choice, and frankly, nothing you say will change that. But you know what? I've always respected you, and never thought less of you for believing what you believe. And I don't care if it sounds selfish - if you're going to throw out all the shit I've been through, and stood up for, and especially with all the things I have been through for YOU specifically - I think I've earned the right to demand the same level of respect.

Grow up, or get out of my life. Either way, you're hurting me. Just accept me, and stop trying to "fix" me, okay? :cry:

04-05-2008, 10:17 AM
Dear people that design townhouses

Please, PLEASE bear in mind that people generally have appliances. Like washing machines AND dishwashers. Please include spaces and general hosey things for both, not just one. Also, if you design a two or three bed house, please try and include parking for at least TWO cars? Or is that asking too much?

No love

04-05-2008, 12:36 PM
country music singers,
Fuck off and die!!!


I think I love you

04-05-2008, 12:39 PM
Dear coworker that thinks she is the smartest person on earth,

You are 18 years old, you have no clue about life, so please shut up and learn from those who have life experience. No, I don't mean me. I don't like you that much.

Did we all have to know that you have unprotected sex with your latest boy toy? I do agree with your doctor, you are stupid. Having unprotected sex in this day and age is beyond stupid, it's a new level of stupid.

The way you got all pissed off at everyone who was agreeing with your doctor made my night. People should be called out on doing stupid shit.

I also loved how one of the bosses called you out on your language. He doesn't like hearing you say the "F" bomb every second word either.

You were doing so great on your diet. I admired you for that. Why did you stop? I was rooting for you on that, even if I don't really like you that much.

Please learn to shut up,

Dear little guy,

You are so sweet for telling my boss that your mother is perfect. Never grow out of this sweet stage.


Dear Other coworkers,

I did security in the old tower we worked in, there is nothing mysterious about the 13th floor. You have to have a special key and use a service elevator to get to it, but it's just a storage floor. Nothing spooking about it.

I was laughing at you guys coming up with paranormal explanations for why you couldn't get to it on the regular elevators and what dark secrets might be on that floor.

It's loud and dirty on that floor, but everything is very much of this world.

The ex-security gal,

04-05-2008, 12:42 PM
Quoted for the truth! You preach it, Kusanagi! :)

Dear R

You know what, you've been a close friend for three years, and you're choosing to cut off the entire friendship completely, call my intelligence into question, and throw personal insults because I didn't give you an answer you wanted to hear when you asked my honest opinion on something?

Fine, I guess three years worth of friendship meant we could have an intelligent debate about something and lord forbid, even disagree.

No, I don't believe in your religious viewpoint. I once did, and in all honesty, my issues are between myself and God, and have nothing to do with you. Stop trying to make me into your lab rat to try all the new things you learned in Evangelical school on. If I decide to come back to it, it's my choice, and frankly, nothing you say will change that. But you know what? I've always respected you, and never thought less of you for believing what you believe. And I don't care if it sounds selfish - if you're going to throw out all the shit I've been through, and stood up for, and especially with all the things I have been through for YOU specifically - I think I've earned the right to demand the same level of respect.

Grow up, or get out of my life. Either way, you're hurting me. Just accept me, and stop trying to "fix" me, okay? :cry:

04-05-2008, 01:04 PM
Dear Insomnia,

Please go away. Particularly on nights before I have to work my 14 hour shift.

Dear Fat Cells,

Please stop multiplying

Dear Ex-Husband,

Fuck off and die, already. Put down the bong and realize you have a son who still loves and needs you.

Dear Ex-boyfriend/Best friend (since you are both)

Please stop being so attractive. We'll never move on if you don't.

Dear Parents,

Please stop aging. I'm scared and don't know how I'm going to handle you when you cant take care of yourselves. I'm 800 miles away and I *hate* Ocala. Please stop aging so I don't have to move back.


04-05-2008, 01:25 PM
I think I love you

:o :D Ah, the amusing parts of being me......

Dear Parents,

Please stop aging. I'm scared and don't know how I'm going to handle you when you cant take care of yourselves. I'm 800 miles away and I *hate* Ocala. Please stop aging so I don't have to move back.

That's funny. My parents are in their seventies (76 and 72) and are 2600 miles away. Luckily, they are in great shape and still have their minds intact. Well, as intact as they EVER were. :lol: But I do worry, and that is one of the (many) reasons I want to move back to Phoenix. But for now, I get to worry from this lovely little tropical island paradise at the end of the Florida Keys. Hey, if you're gonna be stuck somewhere, this place isn't too shabby! :lol:

04-05-2008, 02:45 PM
Dear me,

Please stop being so hard on yourself.

You're a wonderful person (by a nearly unanimous vote).

At work, you do the best you can. It's not your fault you're the only one in your department that actually works. Yes, it sucks that your dept. manager knows but doesn't do anything about it, but rise above it.




04-05-2008, 04:11 PM
Dear Assistant Moron.
Look I have only worked with you for a few short weeks, but the level of stupidity you have spewed forth at me in such a short time is just amazing. I have no idea how you got to be assistant, and really don't want to know, I am far to scared to learn the truth. You have no business managing a cash register, let a lone the hole damn store. I know this company has always done things this way, no sorry it does not make their policies any less idiotic. I do not care how many times you spout to me that it won't change because they have just always done it this way, I will tell you the same thing. We can go around in circles about it until the day you leave if you want. I don't care how you try to justify things, they very fact that it is actually policy to never turn away from a customer even to remove trash for them proves my case. If that is not good enough for you, how about the one you told me about a few days ago? How do you justify that we can't even talk about the daily news to customers. Oh I remember now, they would sue us because we told them about it before they got to read/ or hear about it, yeah.....
Among other things you fail to understand;
I will not be satisfied if my cigarette count is 'only' a couple hundred packs off. I do not care how many times I am told that it is fine, 20 cartons short is not fine!
I do not find it amusing that you pulled out my drawer and hid it, neither do I care that it was ' to teach me a lesson." I did not exit out of the register when I went out to sweep the lot because, there is no point. Even if I signed out any one of you asshats could sign right back in under your own number and take all of the money. There is really no way to actually tell if who lost/stole the money unless it was a legit mistake that will show up on the paperwork. Even if I did sign out, you are the assistant manager, if you really wanted to mess up my drawer you have my code anyways, so really what is the point again?
And no you stupid selfish little girl I do not care that you have been on the register for a whole 2 hours. You can bitch at me all you like, I do not give a rats ass that you are the assistant manager. You see that soda fountain over there, see all the cup slots that are empty, and all the lids that are strewn all over the place, yeah you can go have your precious smoke as soon as I clean that up. What, I have to listen to you? Fine fire me, go ahead I dare you to, I am going to clean that mess up, you really should save your breath.
Oh just as a friendly warning, I heard you put your notice in yesterday. Yes I already heard that you were interviewing at other awesomesauce gas station, which was exactly why I turned down their offer. I don't want even a remote chance of having to work with you ever again. I just wanted to let you know that you probably won't last two weeks there.
I know some people in management for them, and trust me they run a tight ship over there. They don't tolerate crap. Trust me on this, I really want you succeed there, honestly I do, so that I never have to worry that one day you will be back.
For reference here is a list of some of your regular habits they probably won't like:
1. You will not be able to go out for 6 or more smoke breaks in an 8 hour shift, sorry you will not even get one. Sure you can go smoke, but you will be required to actually work while doing so, sorry.
2. It will not be acceptable to do a shift change 4 hours after it should have been done, just so you could stand around and gab, eat, go smoke, whatever while the other cashier is forced to deal with long lines.
3. It is most likely that when you make a claim to do some massive project, like hose down the entire lot and them go through and pick up every piece of trash on the lot, in the grass, and even inside of bushes, all in less than an hour some one is probably going to go verify your claim, same for pricing and stocking large orders, if it takes you less than and hour to price every single individual item, in an order that takes 20 minutes or more to just to be brought into the store, someone is probably going to check.
4. Depending on everyone else to do the actual daily work. Sure I know you are management and all, and it gives you perks. Sadly your new company is probably not going to blow their budget on an excessive work force. You are used to having 5+ people working a sift sometimes as many as 6 or 7, that is highly waist full. There is little to no chance another company is going to waist that sort of money. Yes I know you claim we are so busy, that we need it yada yada. No we don't. there is zero reason that we need two, three, or four cashiers, two people in the kitchen and one or two members of management every day. The max I can see being needed are two cashiers, one kitchen, and maybe the manager. Sorry but all those big projects you like to pretend you do, will not fly at another place.

Hope we cleared some things up.
Good luck and Good Riddance.

04-05-2008, 04:53 PM
Dear model companies,

Would you all quit making so many cool new kits this year? My hobby budget is already stretched pretty thin as it is. Also, the "limited runs" just piss me off. I understand that all those kits will sell out, but give me a break, OK? While we're at it, can we get something *different* at the hobby shop? I'm thinking more of the lines of an MGB GT, Austin-Healey, or similar long-out-of-production cars.


Dear 1969 MGB GT,

I'm sorry I haven't been over to see you in awhile, and that you've been sitting across town in the garage for the past few years. I was hoping to have you running again long ago, but the pressures of work, house, and life got in the way. Don't hold it against me, and we'll go crusing very soon. Oh, and your new bumper is in the mail :)


Dear Snowie,

It's not quite the same that you're not around. The house is just too damn quiet, and I have nobody to snuggle with while watching TV. You were a good kitty, and I miss you terribly,


04-05-2008, 06:55 PM
Dear Humans.

Your ego is irrelevant - deal with it.

The universe.

04-05-2008, 07:10 PM
Dear Cindy Crawford

You must be an alien. No one can be your age, have a kid and look that hot. I hate you.

Teach me!



04-05-2008, 08:33 PM
Dear Jackass

Why is it that I'm making all the consessions here? Shouldn't it be going both ways? Shouldn't it be compromise? Shouldn't we both be making sacrifices in order to get through this? Fuck you.

Your friend?

04-05-2008, 08:43 PM
Dear Roommates,

Contrary to popular belief toiler paper doesn't grow on trees. It is bought at a store usually by me. If you happened to be the one to use the last of it, go to the store and buy more. Don't use the kleenex, paper towels, or leave a pile of fast food napkins in the bathroom. And when I say toilet paper I mean the good name brand kind not the ghetto gas station 99 cent rolls.

The trash also does not take itself out, it needs help getting to the garbage can. If you see the garbage can overflowing take it out, don't continue to pile stuff on top of it.

The only reason I clean the bathroom or kitchen is because none of you can do it properly. I don't mind. But after I have worked a forty hour week and still clean the house on my day off, all I want is compliments. If I ever hear you whine that the kitchen was so disgusting last night that you couldn't even make dinner, I will chase you around the house with a mop screaming obscenties.

Consider yourself warned
Your Roommate TruthHurts

Evil Queen
04-05-2008, 09:54 PM
I don't know how it is where you are, but around here, it's against noise ordinances for car alarms to go off for more than a short time, like 10 minutes or something. They can be ticketed beyond that. I'd report it.
Wow, I forgot about those! I don't know if my townhouse district (?) has that but I'll be sure to call the Main Office when they open Monday morning. Thanks for the advice! Now I just have to get the address or the plates of the asshat that lets his alarm go off forever!


04-05-2008, 10:01 PM
Dear Financial Aid Department for HCC,

Thanks for telling me that your 2 months behind on processing financial aid applications only to tell me a week before school starts that I was missing certain things that needed to be done and I have to wait for second start classes.

Also I would like to thank you for taking till 2 days before classes for second start that I make too much for financial aid and that you do not give emergency loans for people relying on student loans thus forcing me to be out TWO semesters and to save up for Summer. DIAFF kthxbi

Angry Student

04-05-2008, 11:03 PM
Dear Hair,


Send Clairol ASAFP,


04-05-2008, 11:11 PM
Dear Schroeder,

You are the sweetest puppy in the whole wide world and I wouldn't trade you for anything.


PLEASE stop barking your damn fool head off at everything that you think may or may not have moved. You are a BEAGLE. BEEEEEEEAGLE. I promise you I have had the vet look closely and you are not a german sheperd in disguise. That is why nobody is afraid of you like you seem to think they should be. A rottweiler foaming at the mouth and snarling might be considered frightening. A beagle going AWOOOOOOOOOO and then proceeding to hide behind me when approached by a laughing toddler, does not make for a bad ass street rep.

Remember that 1 1/2 year old that you barked at oh-so-menacingly only to have him kiss you between the ears and call you a "silly puppy"? Yeah. That's how scary you are. Get over yourself and get it through your thick skull that if youstopped trying to be rin tin tin's schizo cousin you'd have more treats and belly rubs than you'd know what to twitch your back leg at.


The Mama

04-05-2008, 11:37 PM
I know I'm not always the best mommy in the world and for that, I am sorry, but could you at least put your nasty socks in the washing machine? I really don't want them trying to bite me when I pick them up.

But do any of them try to run away? Ours here seem to disappear every once in a while. I'm not sure if my washing machine has turned into some kind of Bermuda Triangle for socks or if the dryer is evaporating them or what . . .

Dear Microsoft-

While as a computer user I can appreciate your attempt to make Windows more secure and safe and easy to use, you could at least have kept the dial-up networking functions that came with XP intact with Vista instead of chopping them up.

My laptop doesn't recognize what the version 6 IP is . . . my ISP is still using the v.4, so what I end up with if I have to use dial-up is more often than not a lost connection after a few minutes online.

Oh, and another thing: could you start leaving out all that Norton security crap off the Vista OS??? It was a royal pain to remove off my system, as until I did finally remove it I had to put up with the PC version of the Redneck peeing-for-distance contest between Norton Firewall and Windows Defender. . .

In the future, could you actually ASK users for input by way of survey or some such?

Thanks for nothing . . .


Dear Britney-

I've got two words of advice for you: straighten out.

Nobody's impressed and pretty much fed up with your antics for five minutes' worth of attention. Some role model you are becoming for your children.

Oh, and when you're out in public, please make sure you're wearing as little as possible to show off that sagging rear end . . . I so enjoy my better half telling me my assets look better than yours - and I'm almost 40.



Andara Bledin
04-05-2008, 11:54 PM
Ours here seem to disappear every once in a while. I'm not sure if my washing machine has turned into some kind of Bermuda Triangle for socks

Fun fact: most socks get lost from the washer. When you do a load with smaller items such as socks or panties, make sure you don't overfill the load. With top loaders, you have a notable gap between the top of the barrel and the outside of the machine. Side loaders do not have this issue.


Dear new neighbors,

I don't know who you are yet, as they haven't even fixed up the apartment for viewings.

However, when you do finally move in and get settled, please be as quiet and pleasant as our neighbors on the other side of us. Our bedroom shares a wall with yours and our front room is right next to your front door.

The last people had a son that wore combat boots and tromped heavily everywhere, and they had people pounding on the door at all hours. Please don't do anything to remind me of them.

We're great neighbors. You'll hardly even know we're here.


Fellow Apartment-dweller Andara


04-06-2008, 12:29 AM
Dear Butt:

You get any bigger, and I'm going to cut you off and turn you into a rump roast for a small army.

Dear Breasts:

Stay where you are, or you'll regret it, I promise.

04-06-2008, 12:39 AM
Dear customer that knows next to nothing about computers that calls literal SECONDS before I'm calling it a day,

You sound like a perfectly pleasant, though not competent, person. The only real problem I had was that you called up at 4:25 when I was set to leave at 4:30. Problem is, #1, no, I'm not going to be straight with you. Yes, I'm a good worker, but I just got back from vacation, closed about 50 tickets, answered about 50 as well, assisted with SEVERAL techs in the field...ALL ON A SATURDAY...MY CRISIS CORE TIME!

I'm at work, yes, I know. Therefore, I'm supposed to be working...I know. And CLEARLY, I did. Problem: you. I hate it when I have a call RIGHT BEFORE I'M SUPPOSED TO LEAVE BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL. Sorry, it is. Fortunately, I didn't fob you off. You legitimately had a problem, I legitimately tried to fix it, and ultimately, yes, you needed to call back, so I don't feel guilty for getting you offa my fuggin line.

It wasn't your fault you called when you did. However, there was ONE time where I had a call just like yours and it ended up lasting TWO HOURS and I could only resolve it with the help of my (former) team lead's help, who's kind of an ass (ex-military). I don't mind the overtime, certainly, but at the same time, I was simply ready to go. Oh, how I wish there was a system to simply ensure that would never happen, but alas, it does...it has...and it will probably continue to.

Anyway, this isn't really as much of a rant as much of a "happening." Does this happen to anyone else?

04-06-2008, 01:34 AM
Dear Andara--

I posted it from YouTube because I was too lazy to post it form somewhere else...that might NOT require someone to be a member to see it. My bad. Thanks for the better link.


Bella :wave:

Go to the source!


Many great cartoons there. :)

04-06-2008, 01:57 AM
Dear He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,

Once upon a time, if someone had told me that I was just like you, I'd have thought it was a tremendous compliment.

Now, the thought that I actually might be, is the most terrifying thought in my life.

From me.

04-06-2008, 03:12 AM
Dear Becky,

Please see if you can figure out why you're so angry sometimes.

It's scary.



04-06-2008, 04:40 AM
Dear Boything,

Why did you decide to go visit your mom, who lives eight hours away, and only bother telling me the night before? And then say that you have no idea when you're coming back? This is the first time we've been separated for more than a day since we moved in together, and the shock of your seizure still hasn't worn off, so I'm a little paranoid.

Please come home sooner rather than later. Sucky Roommate has already made the comment that you're never coming back, and that makes me sad. It's cold and lonely here without you.

Pretty darn depressed,

04-06-2008, 05:52 AM
Dear DF's car,

You sure have been giving Honda a bad name. All the times you would have one problem after the other. You've been sitting in the driveway for an awful long time and enough is enough. I hate when DF has to ask his mom to use her car or bum rides if he and I need or want to go somewhere since her car is the only working car in the house. I really can't wait for me and DF to get the cash to fix you up.


04-06-2008, 02:37 PM
Dear friends from the online "Mom's" community,

I really enjoy being a member, and I am very glad you added me to your friend's list, but when I haven't logged in for a while, and I come back to 354 bulk messages, that is really annoying.

To friend #1: I think it's lovely that you post to say good morning and good night each day, but after a month, that's a lot of messages.

To friend#2: www.snopes.com is your friend, and while I appreciate that you care enough to send out those dire warnings, you should know that I have been getting them in my email since I started using a computer all those years ago, and have long ago learned that they are nothing more than urban legend and hype.
A missing child is a tragic event, and I think using an online forum to get the message out is a great idea. The thing is, either the child was found long ago, and this message is a waste of time, or it was just another stupid online hoax started by some bored person.

To friends #3- 29: I appreciate all those sentimental little poems about friendship and motherhood and angels and special blessings. Thank you. Unfortunately, I do not have time to forward it to 12 people, including you, in order to prove that I am a true friend, or to receive those special blessings, or to make sure the person who sent it gets remembered in the prayers of all those to whom I am supposed to forward it.
I will not be blackmailed into forwarding messages. If I haven't proven before now that I am a friend, then I highly doubt my sending back a cutesy little poem will be any further proof.
Besides, it rather loses its charm when I see that you have sent the message to the 150 other names in the header above.

To random friends in no particular order: If you are going to forward stuff, edit the damn things. The forum is notorious for the members having flashing, blinking, sparkly signature lines with umpteen pictures of every child in their family through various stages of their life, and the software for this forum does not edit out siglines when things are quoted or forwarded. It does not edit out the headers, either, so when the message has been passed on through 20 people, it becomes rather cumbersome to scroll down through all those forwarded headers and flashing images to get to the actual message. If I am trying to get through 354 messages before my Inbox fills up again, that's a lot of time wasted.

Thank you.

04-06-2008, 03:21 PM
Dear neighbor,

We all know you own a business. You had no need to canvas the community parking lot to let us all know, it is actually quite rude.

The fact that you canvassed all of our cars the night before a thunderstorm (that we all knew was coming) just shows how stupid, arrogant, and just how poor your business ethic is. I'm sure I speak for everyone in the community that you can be DAMN sure that no one in the community will ask for your business.

Also, since it is a car cleaning business, I'm assuming you'll clean everyone's windshields for free?

04-06-2008, 08:16 PM
If I ever hear you whine that the kitchen was so disgusting last night that you couldn't even make dinner, I will chase you around the house with a mop screaming obscenties.

A mop? I would think a meat cleaver would be more intimidating......

Dear New Roommate,

For the most part you are a pretty cool dude. But I've gotta tell you, I'm concerned.

First you tell me you are going to be late on rent. Again. That's 2 out of 2 months. But fine, you had to have emergency work done. I get it.

But then you ask me to borrow some cash....the day after the last day rent could be accepted without a late fee. This does not inspire confidence in me, on Sunday, that you will have rent when you said you would, on Wednesday....which is, as I might point out, three days after the late fee kicks in and eight days after said rent was due.

Get your shit together, dude, or we are going to have to find another roommate. Because the only thing we hate more than roommate-hunting is having a roommate that doesn't actually pay his rent.


Jester and the Other Roommates.

04-06-2008, 08:50 PM
Dear new neighbors,

If you want to know why people from New York and New Jersey that move here are treated like invading space aliens who go around burping anchovy breath in people's faces is because of stunts like you pulled this morning.

Not all of us are on your schedule. So, letting your daughters have screaming contests on who can be the more annoying in the parking lot is not a good way to introduce yourself to the new neighbors, especially when the most anti social neighbor you have is trying to catch up on her sleep.

Also, if your kid is suddenly not screaming just for the sake of screaming, but actually screaming in pain, you should immediately put out your damn cigarette and find out how badly she is hurt. She should not have to wait for her useless parents to finish their cigarettes before they even take a step towards her.

Oh, and what class you showed me you had when you just flung your still lit butts in the parking lot. Hey, at least you didn't hit your daughter with it, right?

If you actually learn to behave in a socially acceptable way. The rest of us who live here might actually speak to you without wishing you would move back to New Jersey.

04-06-2008, 10:11 PM
Dear E

Although I appreciate your company, and ejoy working with you, would you please somehow be not quite as drop dead gorgeous as you are normally, its difficult to drive when your in the car anyway, but when you laugh its a virtual imposibility to concentrate.

Yours, (hopefully not crashing anytime soon)


04-07-2008, 02:19 AM
Dear T,

You make me laugh.

Thank you.


04-07-2008, 02:38 AM
Dear Baby Neon (Skeeter):

I'm sorry we don't have garages here and you've been left outside in the most shitastic sorts of weather. But you've been needing a bath so badly lately, it's a good thing you've been out in the rain all day.


04-07-2008, 03:15 AM
Dear C,

I love working with you in the mornings & coming up with new and crazy ideas for a gaming store. (Who wants caged dancers in a gaming store? Raise your hands! :lol: ).

Thank you for just being you and letting me rant and rave and sniffle during the time we open.

You are awesome,

P.S. Thank you for taking L on for me this past weekend. I'll do another rant about him in another letter later. :D

Evil Queen
04-07-2008, 03:17 AM
Dear X,

Thanks for taking me out for dessert after my shift the other day. I had a trying day at work and it was nice of you to treat me to sweet goodies.

Love you,

04-07-2008, 12:45 PM
Dear Company that hosts our website & e-mail,

My e-mail is down, I'm expecting very important things to come today (if they didn't come late Friday) please fix it ASAP. Also, your website is down as is mine, so this appears to be a very big problem. Crap.

04-07-2008, 02:05 PM
Dear G,

Was avoiding you in person not enough? Haven't figured out why I don't answer your calls? Why do you think I never show up on your buddy list? No response to facebook or myspace comments? Hm, this isn't brain surgery, buddy.
Being someone who has had problems with depression, I was more than willing to sit down and talk you through some rough spots. But my patience wore a little thin when I realized that you weren't getting it out, you were bragging about how miserable you are. I've suggested plenty of ways to help you help yourself; but if you're not gonna listen, I'm not gonna talk. Seriously, ALL you EVER talk about is how miserable you are... I don't want to hear it anymore.
If you were showing just the smallest bit of effort, I'd stick through for you. But you're wallowing. I explained my frustrations with your behavior, you just whined about how awful your life is. Then do something about it. You don't WANT to? That's my cue. :wave:

Much disgust,

P.S. Take a bath sometime. I hear it does wonders for your social life.

04-07-2008, 02:42 PM
Dear complexion,

Why do you feel the need to break out, especially around my chin? I make sure you're clean (and try not to dry you out...or overly touch...). Christ. Even makeup doesn't cover you up. Being nearly 29 years old makes it even more annoying.

Maybe I have to make veils fashionable again around here.



04-07-2008, 03:49 PM
Dear skinny people who claim to be fat,

Shut up, just shut up. You are not fat, deal with it. That meat you're grabbing, it's called skin you twits. I swear If I have to listen to someone else complain about their body fat being at 10% instead of 9 or lower is making them feel "chunky", I will have to personally hold them down and shove a large container of lard down their throat. Oh once again:

Shut the Fuck UP!!!!

Sincerely yours,

04-07-2008, 04:00 PM
Trayol, you speak the truth! I swear if I hear one more bone thin woman saying how fat she is I'm going to force a pizza down her throat!


Dear teeth,

WTF is going on with you guys? Stop pissing me off by having me running to the dentist every other day! I decide to not have a tooth pulled, so another tooth decides to throw off it's filling. One of the teeth in the front, so there is no hiding it.

Now, I have to run once again to the dentist today to get it replaced, so I don't look all freaky at work.

I swear to you teeth that if you don't stop I will have you all pulled and replaced with dentures! GRRR!

04-07-2008, 04:02 PM
Dear hair

I know I have let you grow much longer than I usually do. Either you are unhappy about this or just mean.

Please stop winding around my eyebrow piercing while I'm trying to sleep so that I accidently tug at it when I'm trying to get my hair out of my face. I really don't like sleeping with you braided, but I'll do what I have to.

Love (please!)

04-07-2008, 04:09 PM
Dear future self,

Stop. Think. Then act. You'll thank me later.


04-07-2008, 07:22 PM
Dear Rats,

NO MORE ABSCESSES! Seriously, squeezing pus out of rats is no fun. Stop fighting, and you won't get abscesses.

-Washcloth Lady, Bringer of Hot Compresses

Dear Breeder of Two of My Rats,

I can't believe that I was so deceived by you. I thought you were a very conscientious and ethical breeder, back when I was only looking for good pets and before I got into breeding. It says a lot that two of my rats- brothers- have abscesses every time they scuffle, and the rest of my rats have never had abscesses. The two brothers were bred by you.

-No Longer Gullible

04-07-2008, 08:18 PM
Dear sometimes sweet, sometimes annoying friend of TTO's that recently moved to our town.

Yes, I know you're lonely. But you've only been here a month, give it time to make friends. I don't mind you coming over. BUT FOR PETE'S SAKE, CALL FIRST! There is nothing more annoying than settling into an evening with TTO, especially when he's JUST come back from a week away, and the security guy buzzes to say you're here. And then you stay for 3 hours. Plus, it's amazing how you ALWAYS pitch up right when it's dinner time. When I make supper, there are leftovers for TTO and I for lunch. It saves me having to buy food, and TTO having to make food. So you're not getting any. I'm not giving you any encouragement.

Annoyed (and cock-blocked!)


04-07-2008, 09:10 PM
Dear oldest daughter,
You chose to ignore my advice and buy a car for the sole reason that it was cute. I have no sympathy for you when it breaks down. No you can't borrow the spare that's for drivers that live in this house. No you can't borrow one of the farm trucks, antique cars/trucks you aren't insured on them and frankly your driving scares the crap out of me. No neither I, your mother, nor your grandparents are going to lend or give you money for repairs. We know and you know that you already have the money but choose not to spend your money but want to spend our money. We worked for our money and to be frank I earned your money for you. You bought that POS and you got what you paid for, maybe your baby-brother will let you borrow his scooter. I hope you have comfortable walking shoes.

Your Dad,

04-08-2008, 09:53 PM
Dear meat department,

I adore you guys.

Keep it your pants.


Your number one fan girl,


04-08-2008, 10:01 PM
Dear Basil, my cat,

You're a moron. No, really. Mo. Ron. You'll stay at the baby gate wailing as if you're in Bohemian Rhapsody (LET ME GO!!!~), but eventually give it up and jump the damn thing. And further, you'll come out to the living room to...what? What is it exactly that you came out here for? I don't know and I have a hunch you don't either because YOU'RE BACK AT THE GATE! ROOOOWWWWRRRRHHH!!! Dumbass!

Next up, I understand you wanting to try to get at the toilet if your water's getting low. What I DON'T understand is why you drink out of the "bowl" from the wrong end. Normally an upside down jug of water is supposed to be there, but in your everlasting retardation and pig-headed persistence, you would often knock that over so you could get to THAT hole which is slightly smaller and almost unable to conform to your BIG ASS head.

THEREFORE, even if you still have several milliliters left, ZOMG IS TOILET TIMEZ! MORON!! What I also don't get is I have the cat food in the closet. Ah, but to clarify, it's in the upper portion. There are two doors...the bottom one that leads to various stockpiled tools and the upper portion which has towels and your food. They do NOT...I repeat...NOT connect! Stop pawing open the bottom one and snooping about inside! MORON!!

Last but not least...when I say "GO AWAY, BATING!"...it means just that...not "COME AND INVESTIGATE!" GRAHH!!

With 151 in hand,

Gun Sage


04-09-2008, 12:40 AM
Dear Stray Human,

I hope you're comfortable on the couch, because it looks like you'll be there for a while. Isn't it funny how things happen? Two weeks ago I couldn't have taken you in, but we just moved to a place with a bedroom for the last stray that showed up at my door (who is now gainfully employed and upgraded from stray to Mostly-Dear-Roomie) and now his old spot on the couch is free.

Please keep your promise to get your life back together. I think you should join AA or NA. You can't drink or do drugs here. I just will not have that around me or my pets. If you're going to give yourself a chance to survive, you're welcome here. If not, I don't know who else hasn't given up on you yet. At the point when the ER nurse compliments your knowledge of pharmacology, you might guess that you're addicted to pills.

You know you have a problem, and I believe you truly want to fix it. I can't turn away a stray in need, whatever the species, so you're welcome here as long as you're off the drugs and alcohol. Come on, I've known you since middle school, you're only 21, you're not ready to die. And you died last night already. I think maybe that shook you up enough to change. Please.

-Owner of the Couch

04-09-2008, 12:45 AM
Dear James Bond, McDonald's chicken burgers, Bailey's irish cream and Dr. Scholl's Foot Spa,

Seperately, you all rock pretty hard. Together, especially after my last day of work, you are freaking HEAVEN!

Nuff' said,

04-09-2008, 12:54 AM
"Dear" L,

Sure you have written 2 gaming systems that one was popular in the late 80's or so and the newest one just came out like last month. You are so awesome.

However, just because I'm a bubbly type person who can talk to anyone about anything, doesn't make me a bad person. I do my job. I make sure the customers are happy and I offer them my help. I do "patrol" the "aisles" and I make sure the play area is happy. Yes, I do have my "blond moments".

However, just because I didn't connect the name Bob to Robert, doesn't mean I'm stupid. Just because I chat up the customers doesn't mean I'm stupid and hitting on and flirting with the customers. Just because I'm a girl (who is attractive, smart, and a gamer) doesn't mean you can treat me like dirt. :mad:

Start treating me with respect and I'll do the same with you. Just because you're an Ass Man, doesn't mean anything. I will defer to you out of necessity, not out of admiration.

No love,

04-09-2008, 01:12 AM
Dear A,

I miss you. That sounds wimpy, but I can't put it any other way.
Take me back, please. :(


04-09-2008, 01:21 AM
Dear Immune System:

Thanks for failing me when I need you to be functioning your best. I need to have perfect attendance at work and keep acruing my vacation time....but no, you just HAD to get weak and let this disgusting virus that's going around infect me. Now I can't sleep worth a shit, and I have a fever of 101 degrees. Every time I breathe, my insides rattle. I cough and it sounds like a bomb going off.

You suck,


04-09-2008, 05:04 AM
Dear back,

You should know that the nice specialist didn't give you shots the last time so that the antibotics the dentist gave me would work, so please stop hurting. I was actually enjoying the hell out of life because I didn't have the pain anymore.

It's amazing how much life is so much better without pain, so please stop hurting till the next appt. with the nice doctor, okay?

Dear coworker,

I'm getting use to the stupid shit that you say, but when you told me and our boss that I don't do anywork during the day because mothers don't have to do anything when their children are older showed me just how beyond ignorant you are, being a mother is not the cake walk you seem to think it is.

Yes, even our boss, who has no children told you that you are full shit. When everyone around you tells you that you are full of it, you should probably stop thinking that you know everything about everything, know what I mean?

04-09-2008, 05:39 AM
Dear work PC

Please stop being a piece of crap


Dear work

Please stop being so cheap. Give me a pc that isn't FIVE YEARS OLD, that freezes if I have powerpoint AND adobe open, and that arbitrarily restarts itself when it's in the mood. Seriously. This is just adding to my list of bitches that I have about you right now, and I am SERIOUSLY CLOSE to throwing in the towel and becoming a dog walker.


Andara Bledin
04-09-2008, 06:31 AM
Dear work monitor,

You are so nice and pretty.

When the bosslady greenlighted the order to actually get me a replacement so I didn't have to use the defective spare any longer, I wasn't expecting to get you.

You are a 20" widescreen marvel.

I do admit that it took a little getting used to the fact that your screen is very shiny when most LCD screens tend to have a slightly matte appearance to them. But the depth of your blacks is amazing.

I am a little disappointed, however, in the fact that you will only display a single resolution on my computer. I was forced to increase the font sizes on all of my windows, and increase the display size on my Excel spreadsheets.

Can I take you home with me?

Your user,

04-09-2008, 11:40 AM
Dear Employers,

Look, I know we're slow, but you can't tell me time and time again that "reviews come the first week of April" and not follow through with it. If you have to tell me to wait till May or June because we are so slow (for a raise I mean) ok. But damn it, I've been making the same amount for over a year now, and I know how much I was promised last year that I didn't get because of insurance. Please, I need more money, it's harder to drive the 12 miles to work everyday.

By the way. Your former employee G (did you notice he was in my wedding?) has been trying to get me into his company for years now, but I've been turning him down, keep that in mind.

04-09-2008, 04:21 PM
Dear client(s):

I am on vacation. STFU and stop calling me.

04-09-2008, 05:26 PM
Dear K:

Why? I know I didn't know you very well, but I know B and he's a mess right now. Nothing in life is unfixable. Where I work, I could've found you help if you'd of told B and he told me.

Just, why?


04-09-2008, 05:30 PM
Dear Dentist,

I realize I need a lot done to my teeth. You know I'm vain about my teeth, so why do you think I haven't gotten things taken care of sooner? It could be because WE DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY?

You see, my husband works for a company that makes money hand over fist no matter how the economy is doing, but their board members need that extra billions for themselves, so they have a SHITTY DENTAL PLAN!

I would love to go into the board meeting and ask them to pull their head out of their ass long enough to see their employees and the families of said employees need a much better dental plan, but I never get invited, mmkay?

So lighten up on me about all that I need to have done, unless you are offering to do it for free, otherwise I might have to bite you next time you have your hands in my mouth.

04-10-2008, 02:52 AM
Dear commercials,

99% of you that I see suck.

Take into account that I don't watch much TV, either.



04-10-2008, 03:32 AM
Dear Government,

Please get your nose out of my chosen profession. Seeing as how most of you have not been inside a classroom since graduating from college. Or, if you have been in a classroom it has been part of a publicity stunt and everyone and everything have been hand picked to make the school look good.

Not only have your new laws and ordinances moved the focus away from teaching and more to testing. And boy do we test, almost too much. There are some schools that are forced to test their students every four weeks. Exactly when are the students supposed to learn the new matterial if they haven't mastered what was on the last test.

Until one of you yhaoos actually go throught the teaching credential program, don't assume you know what should been happening in the classroom. Unless of course you want my job.

An over tested teacher.

04-10-2008, 03:48 AM
Dear Mother of Stray Human (MOSH),

Bring him back, k? I know you just took him clothes shopping and it's nice that after causing so many of his problems you are taking an interest in his well being, but it's getting late and I'm worried you've smuggled him back to your house without telling me. It would be nice if he could live with you and be safe, but his druggie friends and druggie ex know your address. He needs to stay AWAY from that crowd, not be where they can find him.

I'm taking care of him- you can see he's bathed, shaved, slept, eaten, and he's even wearing my clothes, since he didn't have any clean clothing of his own. You don't need to smuggle him away to what you know is a worse environment for him.

-Couch Owner

04-10-2008, 11:26 AM
Dear Geico,

If I have to see another anamatronic lizard, or a caveman, I'm going to be upset. Your commercials suck, they aren't funny! I don't care how much money you can save me I'll never use your company.

Dear Baltimore Orioles,

I hate to pull rank, but I am a season ticket holder. That said, please stop with the freaking "fantasy camp" commercials with Buck Martinez and Jim Hunter. They were funny the first time, but they are on between every freaking inning! STOP IT!

Keep playing well

04-10-2008, 01:36 PM
Dear Pittsburgh Pirates...

Get your crap together, OK? You *begged* us, as taxpayers* to foot the bill for your new stadium, and you continue to suck? Are you effing kidding me? You haven't been in the playoffs since the 1990s. Oh, and BTW, quite a few people had fun with last year's slogan, "We Will." We Will what...suck?

An annoyed fan

04-10-2008, 01:48 PM
Dear Dina Lohan...
My god, you are easily one of the worst mothers in the histories of mothers. You stood idly by, letting Lindsey "make her own mistakes", and now she's a pathetic ho nobody wants anything to do with anymore. And now you're moving on to her little sister!! You're nothing but a greedy, selfish, enabling leach! My god, letting your underage kid go clubbing??? When I was 16, I had to beg and plead and all but bribe my mother to let me wear a tank top!!!! I usually try to mind my own business on how others raise their kids, but you're just the prime example of the new generation of dipshit "cool moms" who'd rather be their kids' friends than their parents. Get it through your fake tanned head: you're not young. You're not hip. When you go clubbing with your kids, people are secretly laughing at you. You're a fortysomething mother. Act like it. Courtney Love, if you're reading this, same goes for you.
Pissed off.

04-10-2008, 02:00 PM
Dear Hail, Tornadoes, Flooding, etc.,



04-10-2008, 03:58 PM
Dear Rain,

I love you. Dearly. I wish I lived in Vancouver, where every day is a wet paradise! But goddamn... I was all ready to take my block printing stuff and my laptop out on to the deck, to work outside for the very first time this year, and you show up.

I was happy that you made it smell nice outside, I was content that you made the sky look so pretty... But why? Why at that specific time? The first rain of spring, and you had to shoo me away from my warm day of art-making on the deck!

I still love you, but please... Can't we just play nice?


04-11-2008, 01:21 AM
Just a bit of disclaimer...this is likely to be a long one, but I've been needing to get it off my chest for a while. Feel free to skip over it if you like.

Dear "K" AKA The Source Of All Evil,

You know, if we had met in a dark alley years ago, I can't with good conscience say that you wouldn't live crippled now, assuming you don't already by someone else's hand to shut that big mouth of yours. Sure, at the time, you probably thought it was good fun to put fuel on the fire that only recently had been doused by MY efforts alone, seeing as you never apologized, by saying various things about my family, relationships, lifestyle, and much more in a very derogatory, obviously instigating manner.

I'm sure you did, in fact. That is, until I almost plunged a pair of scissors into your throat. A lot of things happened that day. A lot of things I'm ashamed of. A lot of things that, I hope anyway, you still sweat thinking about today. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Unfortunately, that one incident almost got me thrown out of college. But then, I think back and wonder if that's exactly what you had intended.

Those weren't my scissors...nor were they my roommate's. You were also right in the doorway; my only exit. I'm not saying what I did was right and I certainly can't justify it, but I'm sure the courts would've had a heyday assuming it had come to that. And that "fire" I doused? Yeah, on the recommendation of your girlfriend and the "anti-recommendation," if you will, of the RAs, I decided to put a stop to our little "feud."

A lot of things changed after that day. For one, though I was allowed to stay in college, I was forced over to a much more ghetto-y area on the east side. I was positioned with three roommates who were black (important), picked on me because I was white, stole stuff from me, had illegal firearms, were dealing marijuana, whose friends were equally assholes toward me...I think you get the picture.

Fortunately, this did not affect my view of black people. Unfortunately, that's not the end of my tale. I got hit by a car while walking, robbed at gunpoint at work, threatened on a regular basis either because of my skin color or because of where I was working, and it really never got all that much better until I finally moved in with my girlfriend (now wife).

Ah, but here's the good part. Because of what happened, I had one year's worth of mandatory anger management counseling with an awesome counselor. I feel a lot more well adjusted and I'm a lot more outgoing. I do better in high pressure situations and I deal with the public better. It didn't hurt that I worked security for about 5 years which has made me virtually fearless when it comes to arguments, physical confrontations, and high pressure in general.

Nevermind that, where I was located, I had to rely on people to get to and from. Even though I was moved to a crappier living situation, transportation got better because I was right on the bus line. Sure, COTA isn't very reliable, but it was better than nothing. I could go to Easton whenever I wanted (and did), I ate on the go, and I maintained an excellent 175 lbs with rock solid legs and excellent endurance...especially in the bedroom.

Because of my experiences, I'm actually a lot better off now. It took a lot of ugly to get where I am now, but I'm here. And that's something you can never take from me, much as you tried initially. So in a way, I'd actually like to thank you for being an absolute asshole. I don't know or care where you ended up from this. I hope at some point someone set you straight, because if they haven't by now, you're never going to learn until it's too late.

With more thanks than you probably expected,

Gun Sage

04-11-2008, 03:29 AM
Dear MOTH™,

What part of "I have a headache" did you not understand? Holy biscuit. Please stop singing.

And whistling.

However, you CAN keep that plastic bag over your head. You think I don't see it because you're sitting behind me, right? For a 29 year old, you sure are immature sometimes.


Dear bossman,

You've been pissing me off lately.

I'm thinking of asking for a transfer.


04-11-2008, 05:00 AM
Dear Blog Trolls,

Stop leaving links to your shady "Spyware" sites on every darn entry I make. I am not dumb enough to risk my computer by downloading some random file on it. It doesn't how times I report the spam, I keep on getting them.

Please donate your computer to someone less fortunate who will use it for good and then seek professional help.

Annoyed Blogger

04-11-2008, 06:27 AM
Dear left arm:

I know you've been through alot the last two years. Stabbed with a knife, crushed with a sofa, dislocated by a car.

Despite all that, quit your bitching.


04-11-2008, 05:20 PM
Dear Roommates,

I cleaned the kitchen from my and your mess. And now it is wrecked again, and I only contributed a skillet and a couple plates. Please, clean the fucking disaster before we need a bulldozer.

Dear New Roommate,

Pay your fucking rent. It's already the middle of the damn month!

Dear Former Roommate,

Pay me the damn bills that you still owe me from FEBRUARY, you toad whacker!

Dear Hot Friend of Little Red,

Hi there. Yeah, over here. The funny guy you met last night? Yeah. Feel free to pay me some attention any time. I would not mind one iota. Nope, not a bit. :wave:

Dear Laziness,

Your presence on Wednesday may have cost me a chance for that job I wanted. Fucker.

Also, your omnipresence means my room is still a disaster. You need to stop this. Fucker.

Dear Jobs,

Thanks for Friday and Sunday off. I think. Though this could be dangerous.

Dear Jury Summons,

Piss off!

Dear Hangover,

Get the fuck out of my head! Yes, yes, I know....every time I go out with Little Red, it seems like I invite you in. Damn it, enough is enough! Go away!

Dear Little Red,

Thanks a lot........wench. :lol:

Dear Messy Room,

It seems obvious I am not cleaning you, as I have been swearing I would do for some time now. Please, feel free to reorganize yourself and save me the heartache and heartbreak of not doing it. Again.

Dear Customers,

Your timing sucks. Thanks ever so much for staying away yesterday while I was working, but coming in in droves as soon as I finished. You are so not appreciated right now. Assholes.

Dear Mood,

You're awfully perky and chipper, all things (see above) considered. What's up with that?


04-11-2008, 07:00 PM
Dear Kusanagi,

I showed the picture of you dressed like Leon from Kingdom Hearts (from the cosplay thread) to my coworkers just to show them the gunsword thing, and now there's a newsroom full of married women getting drool on my keyboard. I'm not sure if you should be flattered or traumatized. Oops?


04-11-2008, 08:55 PM
Dear <insert descriptive expletive> in South Tower,

Thanks for pulling the fire alarm last night/early this morning at 12:15 am. I hope you enjoyed your little prank. Oh by the way, when they find you because there are cameras near every fire alarm, it'd be best that you don't go quietly so the rest of the residents can have a good laugh as you struggle with security as they escort you off the premises since you know that you will be kicked out for this. Have fun trying to commute to class for the last 6 weeks of school.

Your neighbor in the North

PS: You better pray that staff find you first, if we residents do, then the administrators will have very little left to kick out.

04-11-2008, 09:10 PM
Dear D--

We still have feelings for each other. As always, I say it fully, you show it by doing little caring things.

That said, don't mess with my head anymore. I told you long before we started dating that I prefer to hear the brutal truth then pretty lies.


P.S. I want my system. :Ţ

************************************************** ***********

Dear back--

Please stop hurting. If you cooperate, I'll give you some Jameson's.


************************************************** ************

Dear Face--

Jameson's is the best whiskey on earth. You are just more German then Irish, so of course you'll prefer that Jagermeister crap.

I still love you, though, and I will still buy you a bottle for your birthday.


--Your favorite aunt

P.S. Your daddy is still a monkey man.

************************************************** ************

Dear mattress companies AND furniture stores--

Please make my dream bed affordable...BEFORE I buy it. :lol:

--My sore back AND bank account

************************************************** ************

Dear gas buying public--

I don't decide what the price of gasoline will be. I in no way profit from the high gas prices. I do not get any kind of discount, just because I work at a gas station. If you don't like it, don't tell me. I have no power.

--A very pissed off me

************************************************** *************

Dear cigarette buying public--

See above. Substitute "cigarettes" for "gas" and "gasoline."

--A still very pissed off me

************************************************** *************

Dear lazy coworker(s)--

The reason it takes me half a shift to stock the cooler is because I actually STOCK it. What a concept. Unlike you, I cannot leave empty slots just because only one or two cans/bottles were sold today. If everyone would actually stock everything that is needed, we wouldn't have this issue.

Get your lazy ass to work.

************************************************** **************

04-12-2008, 12:37 AM
Dear 4/7/08- 4/11/08,


Go away! You stink! I do not need more stress!

-The Victim

Dear Work,

Some appreciation would be nice. I love you guys, but seriously, one of my posts gets more traffic than any other blog on the site EVER, and only one person outside my department notices. That wouldn't be so bad... except we TOLD the entire team in our weekly email. Grr.

-Fingers, Meet Bone

Dear Primary SO,

It is NOT my fault you want to buy poker chips instead of gas. This does NOT mean I should drive to see YOU rather than the other way around because I can afford gas. I just drove 20 miles home from work. I drove 20 miles there in the morning. You have maybe driven 40 miles ALL WEEK. Newsflash: I have money because I have a JOB. Joooooooob. J-O-B. Interesting concept, no?

Seriously, though, I know you need to focus on being your grandfather's primary caregiver for a while, and I love gramps, but your family's house is NOT a friendly environment with gramps being sick. Being over there is depressing, and we get no privacy. And, I have stuff I need to do here at the house tonight. So, you should logically come over here. I mean, you're a male in his 20s. Are you seriously choosing hanging out with your lady at your parents' house over HER house with privacy and booze in the fridge? Besides, I noticed you had time to play poker 2 nights this week, and no time to spend as a couple this week.

I love you and you are generally a wonderful person, but you are pissing me off!

-The Girlfriend

Dear Secondary SO,

You're adorable. A little TOO adorable, I think. Primary SO has paid more attention to you than me this week.


Dear MoSH,


-I Tried...

Dear SH,

Come home? :(

-Couch Still Free

04-12-2008, 12:45 AM
Dear cigarette buying public--

See above. Substitute "cigarettes" for "gas" and "gasoline."

--A still very pissed off me

Dear Cigarette Buying Public,

If you cannot afford to smoke anymore, isn't that a sign that you should quit? The cheapest smokes we have are GPC's. Same as the week before and the month before that. You hate GPC's, well tough. Cigarette's are not getting cheaper, deal with it.

Your Getting Increasingly Annoyed By That Question Cashier,

04-12-2008, 02:33 AM
Dear stupid coworker,

I sit two rows away from you now, which I thought would be nice since I didn't think I would have to listen to the pure stupid that comes out of your mouth anymore. I was wrong. I can still hear every single stupid thing you say.

Please, learn two things. The first thing is, you do not know everything there is to know and two, learn to lower your damn voice. If I can hear you over my headset you are too fucking loud. SHUT THE HELL UP!

Dear coworker who sits next to me,

You stupid comments about where I grew up might have more of an impact if you could actually remember the state. No, moron, it's not Idaho and it's not North Dakota. You thought I was kidding when I called you a fuckwit, I wasn't. You really are.

Oh, and remember how you were much too busy to ever give me a ride to work, no matter what? I do, so when you asked me for a favor, it was real hard not to laugh in your face. That favor isn't going to ever happen, just accept it and move on.

You now realize that I'm in a position to be able to make many nice things happen, if I'm so inclinded. With you, I'm not the lest bit interested. Sorry, I'm much too busy.

Dear other coworker who couldn't be bothered to help me out,

Yeah, that was funny when you found out I could do a huge favor for you too, if I wanted to. A favor you would sell your soul for. The answer is not no, but HELL NO.

Why should I go out of my way to do favors for people who couldn't be bothered to help me when I needed it? I'm not about to do any favors for you two, so stop asking. It's not happening.

Dear friend who takes me work,

If you need anything, just ask. I will do my best to do it for you. You know I would do any favor you needed. I know you are not the type to take advantage.

Oh, and thanks for buying me a Frosty from Wendy's the other night, that was nice of you and totally unexpected.

Dear nurse at my little guy's school,

Why do you have to always be such a bitch? My little guy would rather deal with any pain or sickness he might get at school, just to avoid you.

I have talked to you myself and wondered what crawled up your ass and died.

You deal with small children, lighten up! Learn from the other nurse who comes in sometimes. She is very professional and has a wonderful personality.

Hey, I am not a people person either, which is why I don't work with people face to face. I also have little paitence with other people's children, which is why I don't work in a place that they will be. You see what I'm saying?

Upset my child for things out of his control one more time and I will show you who the biggest bitch is, mmkay?

Dear other teacher,

A teacher who knows who I am let me in to the building to check on my son. He knows me and my son and knows the only reason I would be up there is to deal with something for my son.

That teacher didn't just let a total stranger in, so mellow out. He sees me pick up my son from school every day.

Dear guy who uses our desk during the day,

The first time I met you I thought you were a total jerk. I was wrong, you are pretty cool.

04-12-2008, 03:14 AM
Dear coworker L,

Hey, I'm sorry that by doing the culinary workshop on Mondays, you end up doing one or two other things that cuts into your flirting time. If you have a problem with it, take it up with...oh, I don't know...the STORE MANAGER that has me doing the cw?

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, the temperature's starting to rise. Fill the cart, please, before you leave on Saturdays.



Dear Tommy Teddybear,

Please let my #1 best at work boyfriend work a better shift on Sundays. I miss talking with him.

--Your #1 fan girl

Dear "Dolphin",

Maybe there's a reason that I don't have a working webcam. Ever think of that? Hmmmmmmmm? Did you?

If it's such an issue, maybe you can get me one. And send it to me. From Turkey.

Yeah...that's what I thought.

--Minik kedi

Dear underwires,

Stop poking me. Please. Seriously. It hurts.

I make use of you for a reason.


04-12-2008, 03:34 AM
dear colon and/or small intestine,

for weeks now you've been plaguing me with random excruciating pain and other unpleasantness that need not be discussed in polite company, yet every time a medical professional examines you, you pick that moment to behave. please behave at all times, or misbehave in such a manner that a definitive diagnosis can be made as to what's wrong with you so that proper treatment can be given.

--sick and tired of being sick and tired

04-12-2008, 03:52 AM
Dear back--

Thanks for cooperating. Your shot of Jameson's is on the way.

Thankfully yours,


************************************************** **********

Dear Kelly--

I really REALLY don't care to know about your porn collection. STOP telling me about it!!

Yeah, and don't judge me about the whole D thing, OK? You have no right to talk, what with the whole Scott thing.


By the way, you are so very welcome for your job and your promotion.

************************************************** **********

04-12-2008, 04:26 AM
Dear Victoria's Secret,

Your bras suck!!!! I bought two bras last year that totalled nearly 100 bucks. They both didn't last even a year. One was a nude colored bra that you could take the straps off if necessary. Well, I did that once for a tank top and the straps have NEVER been the same. I'm lucky if they stay on. The other bra - the connectors ripped right off!!! It's not like I wore them all the time - if that was the case, I would understand...maybe. Maybe if you focused on making a better product over plucking amazon women from mars for your ads you'd be a better company.

Loose straps mean floppy t**s!

I barf in your general direction!

04-12-2008, 05:19 AM
Dear Kusanagi,

I showed the picture of you dressed like Leon from Kingdom Hearts (from the cosplay thread) to my coworkers just to show them the gunsword thing, and now there's a newsroom full of married women getting drool on my keyboard. I'm not sure if you should be flattered or traumatized. Oops?


Oh christ. :lol:

04-12-2008, 08:32 AM
Dear J.

It was great, really. I don't mind giving. But... Rolling over and falling asleep? Harsh. To quote Austin Powers, "Owch, baby. Very owch."

Still awake,

04-12-2008, 01:20 PM
Dear Coworker,

I know I say yes just about every time someone asks me to work for them. I know that I am one of the "go to" guys at work. But every now and then, I will say no. So, when you texted me at lunchtime to ask me to work for you, and I said no, I don't know why you think calling me at midnight when I am out attempting to have fun will result in a different outcome. Oh, and when I don't answer your call....yeah, I recognized your number. Answer's not changing. And if what you had to say was all that important, you would leave a message. You didn't. You know why. Hell, I know why. Because you were calling to ask me the same thing you asked me via text, and you didn't want to leave a message in the hopes that I would call you back and not just erase the message. Well, sorry honey....not happening. I work all day today. Feel free to come ask me to my face. The answer will still be the same. I am NOT giving up my Sunday off. I finally started getting my Sundays off back, after weeks of working on my normal day off. You're cute, darlin'....but you ain't THAT cute.


NOT the Sunday Go To Guy.
Not the SUNDAY

04-12-2008, 01:27 PM
Oh christ. :lol:

Where might one see one of these videos? Just askin', of course. :whistle:

04-12-2008, 01:30 PM
Deal person I was behind at the self-checkout in Home Depot yesterday,

If you don't know how to use the self checkout, then DON'T USE IT (especially when the cashiers do not have a line).

Dear person I was behind at a traffice light on my way home from Home Depot yesterday;


Dear person behind me at that time,.

The car in front of me isn't moving, inching forward will NOT make me rear-end them, in fact, I hope you rar end me, my car is almost paid for.

04-12-2008, 02:45 PM
Dear legs

You're getting better at walking! Even Hopper is beginning to approve the speed at which you walk him. Keep it up. Btw, you're looking better these days ;)


04-12-2008, 04:49 PM
Dear PKI,

When you tell me there is practice at your house at 11 on Saturday. Please let there be practice at your house at 11 on Saturday. I showed up. No one was there. Your did not answer your phone. I would have rather slept in. then go out in the cold for nothing.

Lots of love,
The cold and tired one.

04-12-2008, 05:41 PM
Dear everyone at my internship

(Internship is a drug rehabilitation residential treatment center for women)

Well my internship is almost over and I want to say you all rock.

To the staff- you guys were so open to teaching me things and helping me out thank you sooo much for that. I've learned more than I could ever imagine, and I really hope that I can get a job working their this summer.

To the clients- you ladies are incredible. I know this is a scary time for you, but you should be sooooo proud of yourselves for getting help. To the clients who have graduated, congratulations! I hope you continue to do well.

To the clients who have hit rough stops and quit and relapsed. I pray that things will get better for you and you'll become clean again.

04-12-2008, 06:12 PM
Dear Tottenham,

The idea is to win. Do you recall that concept? Just getting the first goal is not good enough.

BTW - corners.. they are supposed to give you a better chance to score (see above). They weren't invented as a more complex method of giving the ball back to your opponents!


Dear ArenaBoy,

Please tell your team to win - I don't want to see MU get the premiership again :P

Der Cute
04-12-2008, 06:39 PM
Dear body,

I'm taking these medications to stop seizures and depression. It does NOT mean inflate fat cells at a evilly speedy rate. I'm asking you, no, begging you, to NOT gain any more weight. I want you to lose that pooch in the front. I want the thighs to get firmer. Can't you feel it? The stairs I walk every day are easier than before! SO STOP ADDING FLUB TO THE POOCH GOD DAMMIT.

__________________________________________________ __________

Dear Work,

I really think I'm an asset as a contractor, and am hoping to be hired on FTE. Please make the decision soon and get me on board.

__________________________________________________ __________

Dear Roomie,

I pay you rent for the use of the bedroom and a bathroom to myself. STOP WAKING ME UP IN THE MORNING BY TAKING A DUMP IN THERE. You're using my tp, you're making NOISE, and just...why? You have your own bathroom, so use it, buster. The only poo in that toilet should be mine.

And stop asking for painkillers. You have issues. Go work on them yourself. I'm not going to enable you at all. You're an addict, a low level one, who's trying to silence pain. I WILL NOT LET YOU USE ME FOR DRUGS.

And stop whining about money. Ya know what? I work. I work and save. You work, yes, but you work and blow. Guess who has about $1K in the bank? Me. Guess who has a gas efficient car? Me. Guess who's got a plan? Me. I go to THRIFT stores to buy clothes. I go look for sales. I buy groceries on the cheap. You just think, Oh I'll work harder to fix the gap. WRONG. You spend less than you make and save the rest. BTW, stop eating at your mom's house. Learn how to budget.

04-12-2008, 06:45 PM
Dear CO

Please, for the love of every deity imaginable give us the powers and equipment to to our bloody jobs. We are, as the saying goes, toothless tigers.

Yours, frustratedly


04-12-2008, 08:22 PM
Dear Mum -

There was a reason I didn't go on the trip to younger bro's bowling tournament this weekend, aside from the fact I'm on what I fondly refer to as "Foal Watch 2008." No, it's not here yet, thanks for asking, and welcome home. The reason I didn't go was because Dad went. Three hour long car trips with bluegrass and southern gospel music on a fuzzy FM station blasting at a volume that threatens both my sanity and my hearing ain't my cup o' tea, nor is it yours. Please do not recall three times over in painful detail how he did this all weekend, your whining is just as bad, if not worse than actually being there. I also don't want to hear about how he put the windows down in the car, despite the fact that they don't always go back up. Or about how he tried to volunteer to give someone a jump and you wouldn't let him because you think that'll 'ruin' my car. Yes, he has all the tact and sensitivity of a blunt knife, but most of the time it's harmless, and you only worsen the situation by 80% with the way you react to him. The only good thing to come of this is that I now no longer feel bad that I didn't go, since I missed last year as well. Next time we must all take a trip, I will be traveling by air even if it means draining my bank account and selling my own hair.

- Your daughter, LadyB.

Evil Queen
04-13-2008, 12:47 AM
Dear "Kim" at my local Bank of America,

You're such a wonderful employee for attempting to pronounce my last name properly and laughing when I told you the story about how I figured it out when I was 6. You're so nice and I'm so happy you asked me how my day was and actually responded when I asked how yours was! :D I hope you have a wonderful weekend!


(nice letters are sometimes needed)

04-13-2008, 12:57 AM
Dear Patty Murf--

Thanks for reminding me about FD&S. I totally love my new bed, and I love the low, LOW price even more!

Forever in your debt--

Your favorite sister

************************************************** *************

Dear Furniture Steals and Deals--

Thank you for existing. Thank you even more for having a store in my area.


Me :wave:

04-13-2008, 01:02 AM
Dear Victoria's Secret,

Your bras suck!!!!


I barf in your general direction!

Fredricks of Hollywood is my friend. :wave:

04-13-2008, 02:23 AM
Dear assholes 3 units down from me:


You may not mind living in a trash dump but I do as well as everyone else here. You've been warned, I know who you are (pretty obvious by the bills in the garbage).

I'm calling the police tomorrow and reporting you.

Also, the numbers on the parking spaces mean what unit OWNS them, it doesn't mean you can park in whatever damn spot you want. Park in your own spots so my handicapped wife can park in the spots close to our unit.



04-13-2008, 02:35 AM
To Laptop,

Why must you be evil to me. Don't I care for you? Don't I use you with vigor? Why must you at times decide to not run certain files and programs. Things that I would like to use. Is this revenge from the first 3 months of ownership. I said I was sorry. What more do you want, blood? And don't you dare make an Audrey II joke now. Could you please just try to run better or the virus protection goes off and I'm going back to Internet Explorer.

Your friendly but serious owner

Andara Bledin
04-13-2008, 02:51 AM
Where might one see one of these videos? Just askin', of course. :whistle:

Dear Peppergirl,

Ask and you shall receive.

Behold the glory that is Kusanagi in cosplay (http://customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=17470).


Your forum friend,

Evil Queen
04-13-2008, 02:58 AM

Dear Kusanagi,

Did you know you're a SEXY BEAST?!?

Your new fan,

P.S. This makes me want to post my Cosplay pictures! :D Now if only I can find them....

04-13-2008, 04:32 AM
Dear State of PA,

I really don't like beer, so when I actually want one, I just want to buy a six pack.

Can you please explain to me why on earth I have to drive by all these beer stores that only sell cases of beer and will laugh at you if you ask for just a six pack?

I was looking all over for a place to just get a six pack, and actually had to ask someone.

I had to pay much inflated prices at the restuarant and then I only bought four, because to get an actual six pack I would have to pay almost double.

No one is allowed to say what a hick state I come from (South Dakota) because back home I could buy beer and wine at the grocery store if I wanted.

Dear woman at the store today,

Am I invisable? Did you not see me standing there waiting for service before you even walked up? Did you not hear me saying something to you?

So, the lady waited on you first, but I got to pay and leave first, because I was not about to let you cut in front of me twice.

The dirty look you gave me, like I had done something wrong was almost too much.

Your husband had to wait behind me to get his soda, but he never once looked at me. He actually tried to pretend he was looking at something amazing on the floor, while I was filling my soda.

He probably heard my husband telling me to calm down. I don't like line jumpers.

Dear people in the store,

It's called personal space, learn what it is before I get real hostile about it.

Dear crew at the car wash,

You guys rock at what you do! Plus, not charging me for the coffee was really sweet and totally unexpected. Thanks! Yes, we made up for it in the tip we left in the box. I hope you guys work at a place that let's you keep your tips. You earned it.

Dear love of my life,

Yes, the Godfather is on once again. Stop whining about it, you know I love it, so shush!

04-13-2008, 04:35 AM
Dear wife,

Quite pretending you love movies you actually hate. You just make yourself look really stupid when you really f- up a movie quite.

For example, if we're talking about "Office Space", don't tell us you love that move (I know for a fact you hate it) and then try to say, "That's my stapler!".

04-13-2008, 11:42 AM
(Internship is a drug rehabilitation residential treatment center for women)


My internships hopefully start in the summer. I too am doing them at treatment facilities!

04-13-2008, 11:43 AM
Fredricks of Hollywood is my friend. :wave:

Those still exist? I haven't seen one in a long time...

04-13-2008, 12:24 PM
Dear Andara,

Thank you ever so much for those pics/video of our fellow forum friend.

Love, Peppergirl

Dear Kusangi,

Are most of your furniture buyers female? If so, I can completely understand why you're the top sales person. After viewing the video and pics, I'm fairly certain that you could just simply just stand and mutely point at the furniture and sell out the entire store to a bunch of women. :lol:

<Feeling like a dirty-old-woman>

Love, Peppergirl


Dear Kusanagi,

Did you know you're a SEXY BEAST?!?

Dear EQ,


Love, Peppergirl

04-13-2008, 02:47 PM
Dear friendofjimmyk,

FOH can be found in some malls and online.


04-13-2008, 05:14 PM

Dear Kusanagi,

Did you know you're a SEXY BEAST?!?

Dear Kusangi,

You have reaffirmed my Gay (please oh please oh please don't freak). Thank you.


04-13-2008, 06:02 PM
Dear Smug and Superior-Acting Coworker,

You're lazy. You're an ass. You're condescending. You're new. You've been doing this half as long as I have. So for fuck's sake, stop talking down to me before I shove a bottle of Cointreau in a place you don't WANT a bottle of Cointreau.

Your Annoyed Coworker,


Dear BBC America,

Thank you for Doctor Who, Torchwood, and Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.


04-13-2008, 06:25 PM
Dear A,

You came in only as a temp worker to my former job and decided I wasn't a good housekeeper. You were obviously so much better that I was and felt that you needed the job more than me. With harassment, rudeness, and entitlement on your side, you drove me out of a job that I had had for three years.

But now I realize you drove me into a new job with better hours, better pay, and weekends off. So don't be surprised the next time we see each other if I smile and wave.


04-14-2008, 01:06 AM
Dear L,

You're right we keep on ahving the same damn fight every month.

I'm not strong enough for this type of relationship, and you're not willing to meet my needs.

Return my books promptly.



Dear Self,

It's over. No more losing 20 lbs in 3 months due to severe stress and anxiety.

Not all of the memories were bad, though.

Please remember you are only alone as you let yourself be. You are not Atlas to take the weight of the world on your shoulders.


Evil Queen
04-14-2008, 02:14 AM
Love, Peppergirl
Dear Peppergirl,

Thank you again for including the pictures of our oh so darling fellow poster.


04-14-2008, 02:26 AM
Dear my new bed--

I love you.

--a VERY happy me

************************************************** **************

Dear headache--

Thanks for going away, without me having to threaten violence.

--an even happier me

************************************************** **************

Dear paperwork at work--

Please stop being so sucky that I have to make you much more complicated then you are. I think my boss thinks my old bosses were crazy to make me AM, which is why I was hired for my current store.

--a very perplexed me

04-14-2008, 02:59 AM
Dear Homework,

Please finish yourself as I no longer wish to.

Dear computer program,

Work, blast you, Work.

Dear inner voice,

Shut up. Stop speaking your truthful lies to me. You can start again when school is over.

Dear dumbasses outside my window blasting music,

This is why you are failing your classes. I hope you enjoy your own sub-mediocrity.

Dear crazylegs


04-14-2008, 03:32 AM
Dear JC Penney--

For the love of God, STOP advertising earrings that I cannot buy on your website, and I would be willing to bet that you don't actually have in the stores either.

I would be willing to buy two pairs of these gorgeous earrings, but it seems you don't want to sell them, since they don't exist.

You suck long and you suck hard. (/Sean Connery on SNL)


04-14-2008, 03:37 AM
Dear dreams,

Please come back. When I have you I know I actually had a deep sleep.

I need it.

Besides, I like my dreams...well, most of them. That recurring dream about the tide coming in?? Please keep avoiding me. I don't like you.


04-14-2008, 06:05 AM
Dear everyone on CS,

This is my 100th post yay!

bored monolayth.

weird, it was supposed to say 100, and it still says 99.

Dear post counter,

You suck.

confused about how it is still 99.

04-14-2008, 08:06 AM
Dear cellphone

You're a 3G phone, you're in 3G reception, I have 3G activated on my SIM card - WHY WON'T YOU DIAL UP AT 3G?? I blame your drivers. *sigh*

wishing I had a decent internet connection while away from the office so I can actually work


04-14-2008, 11:56 AM
Dear Wireless PS2 Controller,

Why? I mean really...WHY? I KNOW you were centered when I turned the PS2 on, YOU know you were centered, AND you proceeded to play along quite normally until about, oh, five minutes in in the middle of a GODDAMN'D WAR to decide "Hey you know what'd be fun? Yeah, let's kill the calibration randomly and have your character creep upwards which, while not the middle of combat can be remedied quite quickly and easily, but in the middle of combat causes my character to whip his sword all retarded-like upwards! That sounds like GREAT FUN!"

SCREW YOU! You SAW what I did to your "brother" in a fit of rage. You KNOW what I'm capable of! Better RECOGNIZE.

Dear Cat,

Old as you may be, you're still a MORON. Knock it off!

Dear Decker,

You may be an awesome game, lackluster as you are. You may be THE awesome game...at least right now. When I use quick save, it's because I want to load up in case I screw up, which is likely even though my stats and such are high. So when I go to QUICK LOAD but somehow that turns into QUICK SAVE AFTER AN ALARM HAS BEEN TRIGGERED IN A MISSION WHERE THINGS MUST NOT BE TAMPER EVIDENT...well...that's kind of a problem. Especially when it seems to occur regularly! :pissed:

Sincerely, and by that, I mean ya'll can go **** yourselves,

Gun Sage

04-14-2008, 02:40 PM
Dear monolayth,

Posts in Off Topic don't count towards your total.

I look forward to seeing your 100th post elsewhere on the board!!



04-14-2008, 02:58 PM
Dear counciling,

Your hold music is strange. And it makes me nervous. This is because your holding music (and the lady saying to hold) sounds exactly like mine. While I'm fairly sure I didn't get transfered to myself, the phone system has done weirder things before.


P.S. I only recently realized that my line had hold music actually. Who pics this shit out? It's weird and airy like spring and makes me want to throw things at people despite my fairly good mood.

P.P.S. Damnit it was admissions I was supposed to talk to anyway.

04-14-2008, 09:25 PM
Dear Mississippi River,

Please stop rising.

Igorina who lives in the shadow of your levees.

04-15-2008, 07:34 PM
Dear neck & knees & guts & face,

I am aware I botched up the moonsault to a spectacular degree. I have learned my lesson that doing wrestling moves off a desk onto a metal newspaper floor is a shitload more painful than doing them onto a squishy person. No more wrestling moves in the office unless I'm beating someone up, I promise.


04-15-2008, 08:02 PM
Dear Morris and Alana...

Would you two *please* quit leaking oil out of your wheel bearings? I know that they're a bit worn, but give it a rest already! Keep it up, and I'll banish you both to the garage, instead of the nice, warm basement you've become accustomed to. I mean, come on--the '59 is much older than both of you, and it behaves itself!


(Morris and Alana are two of my shop vehicles, a light blue 1970s wagon, and a sort-of-yellow '88 version, both by Radio-Flyer)

04-15-2008, 08:56 PM
Dear Bitch,

Guess what? It doesn't work like that. He really really doesn't like being told who he can and can't be friends with. I was trying to make a nice gesture, not "stay in his life." You need to realize I never left his life. Nor will I in the future. Either get over it or move on. Your games aren't working and I only play nice for so long. Playing nice now is making me want to punch you in the face. Quite simply, back off. I trump you on this and you don't want to push too hard. I'm not the only one that's going to be telling you to fuck off.


P.S. If we do hang out, please don't spend the whole time fishing for information or trying to trick me into saying what you think I feel. It won't work because you're wrong.

04-16-2008, 12:50 AM
Dear Women of CustomersSuck -

I am still single. :P

~Soon to be doomed

04-16-2008, 12:58 AM
Dear American Idol:

Why do I even care? Why do I continue to watch or even desire for certain people to be kicked off, and hope for certain ones to stay?

WHY do I care?


04-16-2008, 01:45 AM
Dear Kusanagi,

Stop teasing the engaged woman.

Thank you.

I am willing, however, to add you to the male harem if you'd like.



Amethyst Hunter
04-16-2008, 03:04 AM
Dear Allergies,


Me :pissed:

04-16-2008, 03:35 AM
Dear Kusangi,

May I be the first to formally propose?


04-16-2008, 07:47 AM
Dear Trainees

You're so cute in your eagerness. I know you're a little shy now, but by the time I'm done with you, we'll be well acquainted.


Andara Bledin
04-16-2008, 09:04 AM
Dear Kus,

You really like tempting fate (and the CS femmes) don't you?

Be careful, because I only live about 100 miles from your shop, and I know how to use Google (among other things) to track a person down. :p


Andara, who is not a stalker, really

04-16-2008, 01:31 PM
Dear Boss,

The crap you don't remember is amazing. I come in this morning to a note from you asking me to call you to about the site visit we did back in Jan. The one you said we'd wait for them to call us for a report, so I put the notes on your desk.

Yeah, I found the notes on your desk where I left them all those months ago, and then you tell me we should type up a report. Wow.

Dear Grandma,

It saddens me that you're ready to die. I understand losing your memory like you have been is scary, and your family and friends are scared too, as we can see how badly you are fading away. I mean the other week you couldn't remember how to get to Wal-Mart, you forgot how to get on the internet, you forgot telling your doctor that Mom was forbidden to talk to him (that way the only person who could do something about it was Pat who lives in Boston, so nothing would get done). You even forgot you have arthritis that you've had since before I was born.

But I hate how when I call with a reason (though I just want to check up on you) the conversation turns to death, Heaven, Hell, etc. You're the only one who would discuss it with me as a kid, so I know that's why you turn to me to talk about it now.

I'd say we're not ready, but it's not true. I've been preparing myself for this since you started to lose it. I'll miss you greatly when you go, but I think what makes me saddest is that none of my children will get to meet any of their great-grandparents on my side of the family.

04-16-2008, 01:50 PM
Dear becky,

Thank you for telling me why my post did not go up. Now I am smart and educated....:D;)

Soon to be making that 100th post about the weirdness with job training.

Dear Kusangi,

Ever thought of moving to Nebraska?


04-16-2008, 02:14 PM
Dear Monolayth,

You're welcome. :D

Anything to help a person out.


04-16-2008, 03:19 PM
Dear Manager A

It's kinda creepy that you're sitting in on the training and butting in when you feel like it. It unbalances and inhibits me, and trainees can pick up on that.
Don't you have a new office to sort out? Meetings to organise? A pregnant wife to spend time with?