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cinema guy
02-15-2009, 11:15 AM
I havenít been on the boards much this week. This is the reason. I donít really know how to tell this so I will start at the beginning and work through it.

Background

Rose and I are friends. She used to work at the cinema; she pops round to my house every couple of weeks for tea and a chat. We text chat quite a bit. I know Roseís husband, H. She has 2 teenage girls A&E.

Rose often complains about her marriage. H pays no attention to her. She does all the housework and cooking and so on. They both work. H comes home, plonks himself in front of the computer when he gets in from work and barely says a word. Rose sleeps on the couch, mainly because of Hís snoring - which he refuses to do anything about. Despite that, when I have visited them, they have seemed to get on reasonably well.

Sunday

I am at work. I switch my mobile on during my lunch break. Get a text from Rose asking what time I finish, can she come for a chat when she finishes work. I say 6, and that it is fine. In my mid-afternoon break, I get a further text saying she hasnít been in to work, and she wonít be coming round, sheíll text me later on.

Later that night, I get a whispered phone call. Now I am deaf, and struggle with phone calls, but whispered ones are impossible. It is clear she is distraught, but I canít make out exactly what she is telling me. I make certain she doesnít need me to do anything.

What transpired is this:

Rose had been shopping with H on Sunday morning. When they finished and got in the car, she said to H, ďCan we talk?Ē She tried to tell him her feelings about their marriage and how she feels neglected by him and has done for some years. H hasnít reacted well to talks like this in the past. He doesnít this time. He pushes her out of the car and drives off.

That afternoon there is a blazing row.

That evening, he approaches her, tells her he is sorry and makes solicitations for sex. She tells him she doesnít feel like it. He continues and she again tells him no. He proceeds to tip a bottle of lemonade over her, drag he out of the house and shut her out, telling her, ďThatís what youíll get every time you refuse.Ē

She is now out of the house in the snow, with no shoes and no coat. She trudges round to a nearby friend Cís house and stays the night there. Later H comes round to the friendís house to see if she is there. Rose hides in the toilet and Cís husband tells H she is not there.

Monday

I get a phone call from Rose at 9am, asking if she and the girls can stay with me. She tells me a little of what transpired. I, of course, say yes.

I do a bit of tidying and cleaning. I live on my own, and donít have a terribly big house, but I have a spare room and a foldaway bed and a sofa big enough to sleep on.

At about 2pm I get another phone call, she is on her way.

Rose has been back to her house. H has gone to work. The girls let her in and they proceeded to get as much stuff as possible into her friendís car and come to my house.

The girls go out for a walk, and Rose fills me in on the details and shows me her bruises.

After some discussion and phone calls, eldest daughter A decides she is going to stay with C, who has a son who is Aís friend.

Rose brought some food, so she cooks dinner. The four of us eat dinner. Afterwards, we sit and the girls play on the Nintendo hand-held game. Every time a car goes past, Rose says, ďShh, shh.Ē She is clearly terrified H is coming to find them. When the doorbell goes, she wonít let me answer it, because she is convinced it is H. Poor C is left out in the snow until she phones.

Rose and E have the camp bed and couch in the living room. They want to be together and they refuse to take my double bed. I leave the heating on for them, so it is too hot for me. I don't sleep well and dream of being chased by H.

cinema guy
02-15-2009, 12:34 PM
Tuesday

A goes round to the family home. She reports that H has deadlocked the front door and barricaded the patio door with furniture. He has also packed their belongings in suitcases.

C and Roseís mum both report H has been to them looking for Rose.

Rose decides they are going to get their possessions. Roseís mum comes to pick up Rose and E. They go off to get their possessions. I get a call later to help.

I go to the house. Roseís mumís car is full, and they fill my car. We have to carry and drag stuff over the furniture that forms the barricade at the back.

They take a further suitcase round to Cís. I take a car full to my house and unload. I go back for Rose, E and the last suitcase.

I have to go to work. Rose is so frightened that H will come to my house and see that the lights are on but my car is not outside, that he will know they are in there. She decides they are going to switch all the lights off and sit in the back bedroom.

I come home at midnight and they are in bed in the living room with the TV on. They seem a bit more cheerful.

Wednesday

The schools are now open after the snow. A is going to school. But E is staying off.

Rose goes into town with her mum to talk to an estate agent about what is involved in renting a house. It is clear it is not going to be cheap, nor quick.

She does some phoning to find out that she will be entitled to various benefits, but the deposit will be a problem.

We collect A from school because she only has a half-day. Later they all go into town to run some errands.

I take A back to Cís.

I am due to go to the war games club, but Rose would rather stay I at home. So I cancel my game and arrange for a mate to collect the keys. Rose is still terrified when my mate rings the doorbell, fearing it is H.

H has finally managed to get hold of his wifeís mobile number and leaves a message. He does sound distraught. He says he is ashamed of what he did.

Neither E nor Rose is hungry. E has some soup. They get a text from A, saying C has ordered pizza. Texts fly back and forth about who is eating what.

When I cook myself some chicken nuggets and chips, suddenly Rose and E are hungry and are very chuffed when I wait on them and do the washing up.

We sit and watch comedy shows, and everyone seems a little happier.


Thursday

I am up at 7 so I can drive E to school.

Later I drive Rose to the school so she can have a meeting with them and tell them what is going on. From there we drive to see a lawyer.

Rose asks me to come with her to see the lawyer. He is brilliant. He knows exactly what he is talking about when it comes to the breakdown of marriage, what she needs to think about. Although Rose wants to walk away and leave everything behind and ask nothing of H, the lawyer tells her that she is entitled to child support and half of the house. And she should do it for the girlsí sake.

The lawyer likens marriage to a loved dog that is sick. When your dog gets sick, you take it to the vet and try everything to get it well. But when there is nothing that can be done the only option is to put it to sleep. If you donít have the courage to put it to sleep, the dog suffers and you suffer. He, the lawyer, is the vet who puts the dog to sleep.

The lawyer does point out that H has a right to know where his children are.

After the lawyer, I practically have to drag Rose into McDonalds so she will eat something.

We go to collect E from school. She has been upset, but her friends are all pretty supportive.

Rose leaves a message for H, saying she and the girls are safe and she will be in touch so he can see the girls. She plans to have her mum take the girls to McDonalds so they can meet there.

Later H leaves another message, saying he wonít contest a divorce or he will move out if that is what she wants. E is very upset when she hears the message.

We promised E take away, since her sister had it last night. She goes through my selection of menus and chooses, but when we ring up it is snowing hard and they decline to deliver. So I agree to go out and get something. The roads are dicey and on the way back I have a small skid, and clip a parked car. I wasnít going fast and there was no damage to either car. E is very happy with her pizza, chicken wings and ice cream.

A little later E complains of an earache. I donít have painkillers that Rose wants, so she plans to go and get them. I offer, but she insists that she goes. I dread having to look after an upset, sick child, even for a short space of time, but E is ok.

We watch comedy shows until bedtime.

cinema guy
02-15-2009, 12:36 PM
This is proving quite hard to write. But more later.

sms001
02-15-2009, 02:36 PM
This is proving quite hard to write. But more later.

You're doing a fine job of it - and I hope you are benefiting from getting it out. Wish more folks had friends like you when thing go sour in a relationship like they have for Rose.

Evil Queen
02-15-2009, 07:10 PM
Rose needs to get a divorce.
She also needs to get an apartment or rent a house and move out.

It's good that you're doing this for Rose. Make sure she doesn't take advantage of your friendship and I hope there are more people in the world like you.

Lil Bunny
02-15-2009, 07:23 PM
Sending massive hugs and positive energies to you guys. I have to say your post makes that pit in my tummy rather um, off.

Do hope your next update doesn't expand upon that queesy feeling!

Seriously though, stay safe!!

Amina516
02-16-2009, 12:20 AM
I hope you all stay safe!

One question though: Why didn't Rose call the cops from day 1 when he threw leomonade on her and dragged her out of the house? It might have helped.

Either way, best wishes. Please keep up updated.

KiaKat
02-16-2009, 02:49 AM
Unfortunately, a lot of abused women (and men) never think to call the cops.

I can honestly say that I never thought to tell a teacher, parent, or cop when I was being abused - I didn't see it as abuse. I just saw it as 'oh, he's trying to help me be a better person.'

Mine wasn't physical, but mental/emotional abuse - still, I can understand how someone wouldn't think to call the cops.

CG, when you're ready, I'd definitely like to hear the rest. And if Rose wants a sympathetic ear, I'm happy to help. But, if she's willing, I'd definitely suggest she sees a psychiatrist. It sounds like she probably has PTSD - very common in abuse victims. It can take a lot to overcome that.

iradney
02-16-2009, 04:23 AM
CG, you're being a very good friend to Rose right now. Sending you, Rose and A & E loads of happy thoughts, and I hope H truly realises what an arse he is.

MannersMakethMan
02-16-2009, 09:22 PM
You're doing such a wonderful thing by helping Rose out. It's times like this that I'm glad for the good there is out there.

Just be careful it doesn't get too much for you, because Rose needs you in top form. If there's anything you need help with, don't be afraid to ask. We'll help if we can.

cinema guy
02-16-2009, 09:25 PM
Sadly H hasn't realised what and arse he was.

God knows why Rose didn't call the police and why C didn't call them when Rose turned up on her doorstep that night.

Update:

Friday

The plan is Rose and both girls will go to her mum’s over the weekend. I take E to school and we return to my house and pack up some of their stuff. Mum comes and takes a car full, while Rose goes to the doctor’s to get signed off work.

Mum comes back and takes Rose and more stuff.

My house is my own, although there is still a lot of stuff. I expected to be relieved that they’ve gone. But truthfully the house feels empty.

I go to work.

That evening, Rose gets in tough with H. The three of them go home for a little while. They haven’t been there long when her mum rings up and demands H bring them back to her house.

I’ve only met her mum a couple of times, but she can be really strident and controlling.

Rose, A & E spend the night at her mum’s. But she only has one bed, so the three are in one bed and E gets ill in the night. So Rose gets no sleep.


Saturday

Rose phones me. She can’t bear to be around her mum. Even though E is ill, Rose’s mum is on her case for being in bed and watching DVDs. Rose tells me she’d rather move back with H than stay with her mum. So Rose and E go to the family home and are joined by A after she has finished work.

H says that he might as well move out rather than Rose renting a house. If they move out, he will be left with a three-bedroom house.

Rose and E spend the night at mum’s while A stays at home.

Sunday

I get a phone call from Rose. Although she has spent most of Saturday at home with H and the girls, she won’t allow H to think that things are back to normal, so she comes to spend the night with me.

H has said he will see a counsellor at work. But he is complaining that she is getting everything her way. He also has been sulking, saying she isn’t the only one that has been hurt.

Monday (today)

I take her home. It is school holidays, so girls are off school. H has gone to work.

I go to work.

When we speak after work, she tells me she feels she is pulled every way by everyone’s expectations of her and she can’t keep a clear head and make a decision.

We've been texting about an unrated matter. I can only assume she is planning to sleep at home tonight.

SengaKitty
02-16-2009, 10:57 PM
All I can say is thank you for being a good friend to Rose. I posted in another thread about my own experience with abuse, and will not repost it here. Just continue to be that piece of wood for her to hang on to in the sea and keep her floating, cause it's gonna be hard. But also support her and try to push her to get a divorce. Do NOT let her get back with him if you can do anything...

wagegoth
02-16-2009, 11:13 PM
CG, you're being a great friend to Rose.

BTW, I really love the lawyer's analogy. Maybe H will get counseling and it will help, but if his behavior is narcissistic it could take years and maybe never happen and Rose would have to have a backbone of titanium to get through it. Let's hope he moves out as promised and let's them have the house.

cinema guy
02-19-2009, 10:15 PM
Updates:

She is living at home. He is upset, and trying to be very nice to her. Although he has the bed, she sleeps on the couch. But she has asked him to move out.

On Monday night, he said he was going out to fill the car with diesel. He left the house at 9.15. I got a panicked phone call from Rose at 10.45, he hedn't come back. She was worried he had done something stupid, and worried he was going to come back in a bad mood. He finally returned home at 5.30 am.

Tonight, he took E to karate. He was supposed to bring her home at 7.15, but at 8pm they had not returned. Again I got a tearful phone call from Rose. She did not know where they were, and she feared the worst. He doesn't carry a mobile phone. It turns out the car broke down, but Rose is sick of the worry and aggro. She is certain that she needs him to leave, at least for a while, so she can make a clear-headed decision.

I really hope he doesn't procrastinate and leaves soon.

El Pollo Guerrera
02-20-2009, 04:30 AM
Whoa...

Best of luck to Rose and her kids. Let's all hope that H gets a reality check damn soon, too.

cinema guy
02-20-2009, 10:20 PM
Well he's moved out. Rose says she is a little sad. They have been married 20+ years.

sms001
02-20-2009, 10:29 PM
Well he's moved out. Rose says she is a little sad. They have been married 20+ years.

Way to be there CG. Hope the shoulder weight doesn't sour your friendship with Rose - she sounds like she's really counting on you. Again, props for being there. Thanks for the update.