View Full Version : I need to be not okay for a few minutes

02-28-2009, 02:52 PM
So like I said earlier this week, I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. I have, however, had a very rough month and I'm still not that okay. I'm trying so very hard to be for my family, but it's hard. So I need to vent for a minute. Please bear with me and feel free to skip this if you would like to. I just need to get it out to someone that isn't going through it with me.

So, like you all know, we moved back at the end of January. As you also know, I was, at the time, very pregnant -- 32 weeks the week we were moving in and unpacking. I was being very careful not to wear myself out and to take breaks when I needed it.

Well, February 6th, I got my Daughter off to school and my Son to his day care (he goes to a pre-school attached to his sister's school three mornings a week). Hubby had meetings with some clients and then with a real estate agent, as he and Boss were working on the closing on the new location for the company. I got back to the house and was cleaning and getting everything put back together. I remember seeing the beginning of First Take on ESPN2, so I know it was after 10 am. I remember feeling weird and tired and I remember putting down the things I was working with and going to lay down and take a nap.

I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital the next afternoon. According to Hubby, he was leaving a meeting when the school called him to say it was 3:30 and I had not yet picked up Son and Daughter. School lets out at 2:45 and I try to be there when she gets out. He tried to call both my cell and the house phone, but got no answer. So he called our neighbor and asked them to please go to the house and check on me. He went to get the kids and said he would be home as soon as he could.

The neighbors say they could see through our front windows and could see me laying on the floor in the living room. The doors were locked, but the neighbors called 911 right away and then tried to break open the door. They broke one of the window panes and got the door open.

I don't know all the details. I just know what the doctors told me. They said it is something called "placenta praevia". They don't know what causes it specifically, but basically, the placenta moves somewhere it's not supposed to be and it causes problems. It started bleeding and apparently caused me to pass out completely. By the time the paramedics got there, the baby was in extreme distress and, apparently, so was I. They took me directly to the hospital. The bleeding was apparently really bad and they couldn't stop it. The doctors say they did everything they could and, of course, I believe them, but apparently it came down to either save me and lose the baby or try to save both of us and have a good chance of losing us both.

It was over by the time I woke up. I remember none of it, of course. But we lost Baby Girl.

Daughter and Son are still confused. Daughter kind of gets it. She remembers when the father of a friend of hers died in Iraq, so she's started saying that her sister is being taken care of by her Uncle Rick. She understands that the baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy and no longer coming. Son just knows that Mommy is upset, though I'm not sure he ever fully got the concept of the baby to begin with.

Hubby is great, of course. I know he's as sad as I am, but he's trying. The first few days after they released me from the hospital, I didn't want to do anything but sleep and try to pretend it didn't happen. It took me almost a week to want to get out of bed. I still don't want to get up in the mornings, but I know I need to. Hubby and Daughter and Son, they need me.

But I just...I just can't seem to stop being sad. I can't seem to want to do anything. Yesterday, I came home from dropping Daughter and Son at school and day care and sat down on the arm chair to make a shopping list. Next thing I know, it's 11 o'clock and I'm still sitting in the arm chair, staring at a blank sheet of paper. Doing the simplest tasks takes everything I have and don't even ask me to do anything complicated. I just can't seem to. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I just stare at the TV without watching or stare at the same page in a book for an hour without reading anything. I just can't seem to do anything at all.

I don't know how to deal with this or know what to do. And I feel bad being sad because everyone is sad. We're all sad. Hubby lost his daughter too. Daughter and Son lost their little sister. I'm not the only one who lost her. But I just can't seem to stop being sad and to go on. It seems that everything reminds me of her. I see her things in the house and it makes me sad, but the thought of those things going away makes me even more sad.

I feel guilty. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. Maybe I stressed her out. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? The doctor assured me that this happens, that it's nothing I did wrong and nothing I could have stopped and that it probably would have happened even if we hadn't moved. But I can't help but think that I did something wrong, that I did something that made this happen. That made my poor little girl go into distress. I feel like it's my fault and I don't know how to stop feeling that way.

I guess I just needed to talk for a minute. Talk to someone or someones that aren't having to go through everything I'm going through. I don't want to talk about it to Hubby because I know he's sad too. I don't want to talk about it to Momma or Daddy because I know their just as distraught as I am.

I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

02-28-2009, 02:58 PM
Sorry it's so long.

Honey, you do NOT need to apologize to anyone for your feelings or for posting. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. Thinking of you and your family.

Lil Bunny
02-28-2009, 03:10 PM
Holy cow I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel all better. If I just send a ton of hugs and a bunch of positive energies/prayers your guy's way, I'm assuming you can put them to good use?

Seriously, take your time and never apologize for talking with friends ok? *HUGS*

02-28-2009, 03:33 PM
I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

Don't be sorry for that on top of everything else. We're here to listen and help if we can. Take care of yourself.


02-28-2009, 03:37 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that....:hug: plenty of hugs for you and your family. No need to apologize, let it all out.

02-28-2009, 03:51 PM
*hugs* and much sympathy.

Talking to friends and family is a good thing to be doing right now. And of course you have to not be ok for a bit.

Are you seeing a therapist? It might be a good idea to take the whole family and have a few sessions together.

02-28-2009, 04:17 PM
Pers, right now you are hurting. And you know what, it's ok to hurt. I would reccomend that maybe you find out if there is a councelour that you and your hubby can maybe go and visit, to speak about what happened.

I am thinking of you and your family, and sending you truckloads of happy thoughts, ok?

02-28-2009, 04:29 PM
I've been where you are at. Almost 18 years ago My Husband and I lost our daughter at birth.

It is still very early into the grief process for you. Allow yourself to grieve for your daughter. I was in a zombie state for at least the first 8 weeks, if not longer.

There are groups out there that can help you on this journey. If you want information on any of them then send me a message and I will try to help.

02-28-2009, 05:03 PM
I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling.

We are all here for you if you need a shoulder.

Sending good thoughts and prayers to you.

02-28-2009, 05:22 PM
Thanks for all the good thoughts. I know I don't need to apologize but I guess...I just don't quite feel right, if that makes sense. Things that should be easy seem so complicated and there are moments when I'm like "What's this? Oh...a phone. Hmmm." And it's like I've never seen it before.

It's like walking through fog, I guess? That's probably the best way to put it. I'm very very foggy.

I have not been to a therapist yet. I know I need to. I know. Hubby's mentioned it. The doctor mentioned it. Momma and Daddy mentioned it. I just...I'm not ready yet. Talking to a therapist about it makes it much more real. I'm not ready for that.

Actually, I think writing that post earlier is the first time I have actually said that she is gone. I still haven't said it out loud. I just...it's hard. It feels so weird to be mourning someone I never actually got to meet -- does that make sense?

Thanks for listening to me and thanks for all the good thoughts. I think there are moments I just need to babble. I am hurting and it's nice to realize there are people who understand that maybe I do need to hurt, you know? I don't know.

But thanks. I think that's all I can say.

Mike Taylor
02-28-2009, 05:33 PM
You have my sympathies, persephone.

02-28-2009, 05:44 PM
oh hon, i don't know what to say. toher then I am sorry for your loss and i hope life gets better for you.

02-28-2009, 06:33 PM
Oh honey i'm soo sorry for your loss. I'm sending truckloads of good thoughts your way and will be PMing you my phone number if you ever want to talk. Have you and hubby thought of having a memorial service? Don't be sorry for being sad, you're allowed to be sad, you NEED to be sad at this point. If you weren't sad, I'd worry more. please talk to us anytime you need to. We're here for you

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: :hug:

02-28-2009, 06:47 PM
I'm so sorry you lost your little one. I think that your reaction is completely normal, and you should not be apologizing. It's understandable that you would have a stronger reaction than the rest of the family. The kids are young; they don't fully understand. Hubby lost his child, too, but he wasn't the one carrying her inside his body and feeling every movement. It hasn't been that long; there's no timetable for grief. I'm sure it's nothing you did, or didn't do. If you're not ready for a therapist, is there a clergyperson you can talk to (I don't know your religion, if any)? Maybe arranging some sort of memorial might help bring some kind of solace.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.

02-28-2009, 08:59 PM
My thoughts are with you, persephone.........lots of virtual hugs.....

We are here to listen and to help.

02-28-2009, 11:37 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss.

*many hugs*

03-01-2009, 12:22 AM
Trying to find words to say that don't sound stupid or cliched are a pain, but I really am sorry for your loss, and I know it's normal to question, but please don't blame yourself for this, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't the fault of anything you did and don't feel guilty about being sad.


03-01-2009, 12:41 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. :hug:

You did nothing wrong and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Placenta previa (especially when it comes about unexpectedly like in your case) has no treatment other than hoping the situation will change and if known, minimizing risks. So please, don't blame yourself for this.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss.

03-01-2009, 12:54 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Persephone, what you're feeling is perfectly understandable. You're in unimaginable grief and pain. A counselor or clergyperson would be a good idea, for you and your family.

You don't need to be the Rock of Gibralter for everyone else right now. You're allowed to cry, to show unhappiness, to not be okay.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Eric the Grey
03-01-2009, 01:05 AM
Persephone, I'm very sorry to hear about this. There is no way I can fully understand what you're going through, but believe me when I say, you're not the only one crying over this.

You and your family have my best wishes and prayers.

But I just...I just can't seem to stop being sad. I can't seem to want to do anything.


I guess I just needed someone to listen for a minute. So thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

Please don't try to stop being sad. That will come in time, but it may well be a long time coming. Please allow yourself to grieve. It's natural, and understandable for you to do so. Don't feel you need to "get over it" or anything foolish like that, any time soon. You need to grieve, as does your family. Be with them and do so together.

I have not been to a therapist yet. I know I need to. I know. Hubby's mentioned it. The doctor mentioned it. Momma and Daddy mentioned it. I just...I'm not ready yet. Talking to a therapist about it makes it much more real. I'm not ready for that.

You may find it easier after this. You've opened up about it to your friends here, seeing a therapist is not that much bigger of a step.

Many virtual hugs. Please take care of yourself and your family. You have our sympathies and best wishes.

:cool: Eric the Grey

03-01-2009, 08:01 AM
*many many hugs* You and your family are in my prayers.

03-01-2009, 10:05 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss, it is okay to not be strong, let your sadness work its way through. I will pray for you and as everyone else has said, we are here for you. Therapy would be a good thing. You have your CS family here to talk to anytime and writing down your feelings can be the best therapy in the world. Take care!!

03-06-2009, 05:47 PM
I'm sorry I'm late to this thread. First of all, my condolences for the loss of your daughter. Nobody should ever have to bury a child.

The things you are experiencing are very normal for somone who has lost a child.

It was very much like that for me when my son died. I'm going to dispense some advice based on my experience and my mother's. If it doesn't sound right to you, don't follow it. Your loss is unique to you and you have to do what is right for you and your family.

First, don't fret that you're not able to function well. You're grieving now and believe it or not, grieving is very hard work. The energy to do other things will come back eventually.

Don't feel as if you must get rid of your daughter's things right away or let anybody pressure you into it. There's no time table here. Whatever you feel is right is what is right.

Talk to you family about your feelings. There isn't anybody in the world who will understand this loss as well as you and your family. A book I read talked about grief like being on a leaky raft on a stormy ocean. Each member of the family is on his sinking raft. You are so overwhelmed keeping your own raft afloat that you can't do anything to save your family members. It's an awful helpless and isolated feeling.

From another perspective, my daughter was afraid to talk to me about her grief because she didn't want to make me feel worse. I pointed out to her, quite correctly, that there was no worse way to make me feel. So we talk and we cry and we hug each other a lot. It helps.

The guilt. That's quite normal. I have not met a single bereaved parent who hasn't dealt with that. I deal with it too. The fact that nobody else would ever hold us responsible doesn't matter. The fact that we ourselves would never hold another parent in the identical situation responsible doesn't matter. We feel guilty anyway.

I can't make the feelings of guilt go away, so I just deal with them when they show up. It does get better with time. Tell yourself that you did the best you could for your child with what you knew at the time. Imagine meeting another mother who had the same thing happen. Would you blame her for her child's death? Of course you wouldn't. Keep that in mind whenever the guilt tries to surface.

By all means, feel free to PM me if you need to vent and don't want to do it in the forums.

03-06-2009, 06:39 PM
There aren't enough words to tell you how sorry I am.

It's not weird to be grieving for someone you've never met, because you did meet her. You carried her, you nurtured her, you gave her life, and you love her. It's not weird to grieve for her.

I'm glad you're able to talk to someone, and you know we'll always be here for you, right? If you want to talk to a voice, you're welcome to my phone number. If you want to talk in private, you're welcome my email, or to PM me, or I can figure some type of instant messaging.

I'm sending you virtual bear hugs, and if you're anywhere in my area I'll be happy to come over and give you actual bear hugs.

Remember, we all care about you.

03-06-2009, 07:53 PM
I'm so sorry for being late to this thread, I didn't see it until just now.


I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

03-07-2009, 01:57 AM
I cannot fully understand what you are going through, but I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love from IL.

Der Cute
03-07-2009, 02:23 AM
Oh, gosh....
I am so sorry for your loss.

All I know is that losing/grieving is a very individual process. One person's actions of crying+screaming+make flowers+light candle+time passes = all better DO NOT equal a different person's path.

It's been said to me that funerals/memorials are for the living - the people surrounding the one who is now gone. This might be something to do.

Keep talking, please, and find a counselor. Time, and talking, are the best things for grief IMO.


03-08-2009, 04:56 AM
I just saw this and I'm sorry that I didn't contribute earlier. There is a lot of good advice in this thread and you have to do what feels right for you. I'm sure your doctor is working closely with you but please rememeber that you are also dealing with an amazing amount of hormones on top of the grief. I can't imagine going through what you did, I was just into my second trimester when I lost my baby and it was devastating.

You have to manage your grief in a way that is right for you and not let anyone tell you how to feel. My heart goes out to you and your family and I am very sorry that you are going through this.

03-08-2009, 05:10 AM

My wife and I are currently trying for our first child. She has some lady issues that means concieving will be challenging, but not impossible. I can hardly imagine what it would be like to concieve successfully but then lose the baby before its born.

The best advice I can offer is that you are going through a natural process that will take time. You have to grieve in your own way. If that means crying or staring out a window for an hour than so be it. Keep your family close, they will be your rock in times like these.

03-08-2009, 05:56 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.

You are grieving and there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. You lost your child through no fault of your own and that will hurt for a long time. When you are feeling up to it have a memorial service.

Has your doctor given you any information on support groups? It might help you and your family to talk to other families who lost their babies do to placenta previa.

Just remember it is not your fault. There is no way to prevent the placenta from implanting to close to the cervix.

03-08-2009, 01:14 PM
You are feeling grief and survivor guilt. Both of these are forms of depression, but they're 'normal' and 'healthy' given the circumstances.

One thing I think you need to make yourself do: encourage your daughter and son to talk with you and your husband, and talk with both of them a little bit as well. Let them see you crying, but reassure them that it's not their fault you're unhappy and that you love them.
That's for their sake, to help them get through this without harm.

Let your adult family look after you, and the kids. Grieve, and express the grief. If you can write, paint, play music, sing, or in some artistic way express it, that's particularly good. Even if the only painting you can do is fingerpainting.
Also, try to eat at least some of what your family puts in front of you. Proper nutrition will help the grief pass, and also help your body heal physically. And let them take you for walks, if you can. Even if them pointing at flowers or butterflies makes you feel 'so what?', it'll be good for you. And it'll feel better and better once you start coming out of this.

Let your family take you to see a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, or psychology/counselling-trained religious leader. The combination of grief and survivor guilt is a partly nasty one, and without being supervised by someone who knows what to watch for, it's possible for you to get stuck in it.

If you're religious, make a point of going to church every week, and spending some time before or after church talking to one of the psych-trained ministers, lay preachers, or other professionals. That can be enough time for them to check that you're progressing normally and not getting stuck.

With the assistance of a professional, you will eventually work through it. You'll find that you're noticing the flowers again, and smiling when your kids do something particularly cute. Having your children in your arms will feel right again, not be a reminder of Baby Girl.

What you are going through is normal, and right. But it's supposed to pass, and a professional can keep their eye on you and help it pass.

I promise, as long as everything progresses normally, you will find the joy in life again, and the energy and desire to do things. And if it doesn't progress normally, the medical community can help get it back on track. For this purpose, the priests/etc of most religions are honorary medicos.

03-08-2009, 02:28 PM
I'm so sorry I'm late to this thread.

Please accept my belated condolences and heartfelt hugs to you and your family.

We are here if you need us.

03-08-2009, 06:19 PM
Thank you, everyone, for all the advice and kind words and good thoughts. Believe it or not, it means a whole lot.

My Momma has moved some things around back home (she's retired but still very involved in a lot of stuff) and is coming to stay with us for a few weeks. Mom (Hubby's mother) is coming down with her for a few days as well. I really do think it will help, if only to keep me from ever being in the house alone for the next few weeks. I think that's when it's the worst, when there's no one here to distract me.

I'm still very new to this area, and this all happened right after we moved here, so I don't really have people to talk to here. I did, however, call the minister of the church I grew up in because he's been there forever and knows my family. I talked to him for a very very long time and he's said I can call whenever I need to and he's going to try and help me find someone to talk to down here.

I think the idea for a memorial is a good one, but I don't think I'm quite ready for it. Some time.

I'm trying to eat. Really I am. Sometimes it's hard. But sometimes everything is hard. Daughter came up last night and curled up in my lap for a long time. She hasn't done that in years. I think she's sadder than she'll tell me. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't want to. I figure I'll just try and keep the line of communication open and, when she's ready, she'll talk to me. I hope. I may talk to whoever I end up talking to down here about maybe talking to her and Son as well.

Kitty knows his Momma is upset. He's started sitting with me and not leaving my side no matter what. I think he's trying to nurse me.

I still think I'm in zombie mode though. I didn't get out of bed at all yesterday. I just couldn't do it.

I mainly just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughts and words. They help. I'll be back to normal and back around at some point, but I'm probably just gonna lurk for awhile.

Thank you, all of you.

03-08-2009, 08:52 PM
It sounds like your mother and your minister have the situation under control.

Your daughter's expression of grief may well be simply clinginess. Wanting to be with her adults. And that's fine - as long as she expresses it and doesn't keep it bottled up.

Let yourself come out of your shell at your own pace. The world still needs you, but it can turn without you for a few days or weeks. Your family can handle things for a little bit while you grieve.

Do call your minister, and do talk to whoever he finds for you. (If the first person he finds doesn't feel right, tell your minister. He'll find someone else. You do sometimes need the right personality in a counsellor.)

Take care, rest, grieve, and come back when you're ready.

Good luck.

03-08-2009, 09:33 PM
I'm a little late on this, but I am sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say, except.... :hug::hug::hug:

03-09-2009, 12:34 AM
There is nothing I can say except that it's not your fault, and I'm so sorry for your loss. We're here if you need us.

Der Cute
03-09-2009, 05:13 AM
Kitty cats always know when their people are sad or sick or need lovies.
Kitties do get a bit demanding when things are OK, but they do stop to help their people.

I've noticed some days, when I'm not feeling too good about life in general, just talking to the cat and petting her does wonders. Sitting, seeing the world out the window, and petting her.

Go, talk to your parents and pastor. Get outside, with sunshine. (light does bring up your dopamines). Eat chocolate :).

I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs and kitty love from my Fuzzy.


03-09-2009, 05:25 AM
Lots of love and hugs from the puppies and myself.

We're all family on this board, sometimes we quarrel and sometimes we don't see eye to eye but we are still family. Any time you need any of us I'm sure we'll all jump to help.

Be well.