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View Full Version : Frustration ventage as usual


Amethyst Hunter
03-13-2009, 04:11 AM
Usual warnings apply, et cetera...

I've been thinking over this lately and it's bothering me...

Since November I've had this godawful nose problem wherein I'm all clogged up and my goddamn nose runs CONSTANTLY. I kid you not, the VERY first thing I do when I wake up Every. Single. Day. is to start sneezing up a storm, then I have to tend the snot factory.

I've tried just about everything to relieve it, short of going to a doctor (which I CANNOT afford; I just got back from the damn dentist's this week to find out I'm basically sitting on a delayed time bomb that I also can't afford to treat). Drugs don't help. I've been eating antihistamines like candy thinking that this is an allergy problem - which it could very well be, because my respiratory system has gone completely to hell ever since I moved back to Illinois. I wheeze and cough constantly, and as I mentioned, the nose thing. It's driving me insane. I miss being able to actually taste my food. Some nights I swear I can actually breathe smoke in this house - the other night I was sitting here coughing and hacking and all I could taste (what I could taste, anyway) was smoke.

Part of it is probably because of my folks: they smoke. They go outside to do it in the good weather, but during the winter they always go down to the basement, which really doesn't do any good because the shit just floats upwards anyway. If it's not that, a friend of mine mentioned that it's possibly dust smoldering in the vents, which would make sense because this is an over-100-year-old house and it IS very dusty out here. And I'm sure the big damn grain elevator just down the road here and those goddamn noisemaking trains going through at all hours aren't doing me any good either, with whatever crap those spew out into the air. (Harvest time is particularly foul; there is always a red 'ash' dusting the sidewalks and streets.)

Seriously, all those ads hollering about breast cancer don't scare me an ounce. (Disclaimer: I am not picking on anybody who has dealt with any cancer, please don't take this as such.) If I get any cancer, it's going to be lung cancer, what with all the crap I've had to breathe in.

I'm not happy in this backwater podunk farmboy nowhere. It was not my choice to move here, but for all intents and purposes I'm stuck here. I feel more trapped than ever before. I eat worse up here than I did down south. I'm SO SICK of pork and chicken, and my family are the most unimaginative cooks you can think of. (I hate to cook myself, but that's because I'm 1) lazy, and 2) have not the knowledge and patience to do it. If I could eat out all the time I would totally do it.) They refuse to try new things; I'm picky about what I'll try but at least I'll try stuff. Whenever I tried cooking before, I'd throw in some new spice or something just to see what it would do, and it usually came out to my liking (I *can* cook, but like I said...), but everybody else hated it and bitched about it. And naturally I, the seafood lover, had to be born into a family of hamburger-lovers (I DESPISE hamburger and WILL NOT touch it). There are an awful lot of days when I honestly believe that I don't belong in this world.

When I lived in Florida I was miserable too - but for different reasons. In Florida I had employment (shitty though it was) and money. I had NO allergy problems whatsoever. Here, I have nothing. Even my closest friend lives 2 hours away from me, and she mostly comes down here to visit me because I have no money to get gas for my car to go up to her place.

I've been having good dreams about being back in Florida lately. This irritates me. My big fear is that if I were to go back there, I would be making the same mistake that I did with Illinois. I know now that when I was down there, I was idolizing my former home state because I was so damn homesick and had *no* friends down there. I missed what was familiar to me. And I *hated* that godawful heat in the summertime. Now that I'm back up north, I'm seeing things that have always existed but I never really paid attention to until now, and I don't like it.

I have no friends out here either, save the one I mentioned earlier - but like I said, it's not like we can just pop around each other so easily. There is NOTHING worthwhile in this town that I'm stuck in. Biggest attraction is the local gas station/convenience store, which is roughly the size of a gnat. I wish I was joking. You have to drive 20 or more miles in any direction just to get to something worth looking at/visiting, because there's farmland as far as the eye can see. I realized the other day that there is NO future here for me. (Not that my prospects are all that great currently, but for sure I can't see myself trapped in this dinky pit for an extended period of time.)

I want out of here. I want something better. I don't know where the hell I'd go, I just know I don't want to be stuck in this dump. It's probably my fate to be miserable no matter where I'm at; I'd just like to choose my own damnation for once. Ironically I have nowhere in Florida that I could go to, since we sold our Florida house right just before the market got really really bad. Theoretically I could stay with my uncle who lives down there, but he is *not* an animal person and there is NO way in hell I'd even consider abandoning my cats. (Nor would I force them on someone who didn't want to be around them)

Naturally all my family loves this pitstick. :rolleyes: But then my parents are getting on in age and my brother and his family wanted to move out of their former crappy town (which is notorious for drugs and high school dropout rate), so it figures that they'd want something quiet. Technically I'm young enough (32 - though a lot of days it feels a helluva lot older), and while there are some people in my age bracket around here, they're also people I have absolutely nothing in common with (for starters, they're married and most have kids, two subjects which hold little to no interest for me. Not that I can never be friends with parents, it's just that their lives are naturally going to revolve around that and I have no interest in it myself). I don't want to live in a big city; I couldn't handle that chaos without going crazy(er). But I don't want to live in this farmball isolation either, especially not one that's as conservative as this. (Some of these people's politics are downright scary - there are people here who still use the N word on occasion and have all sorts of not-so-lovely adjectives to describe Hispanic folks. Ironically, I saw more liberal-leaning types down south than I ever met up north in my lifetime.) There has to be a happy balance somewhere and dammit, I want it.

I kid you not, I have spent the past nearly-two years as a virtual shut-in because I didn't have a car and can barely amass any money (unemployed; I do chores which I occasionally get a few bucks for). Coupled with my apparently worsening health, this place is literally killing me.

I can't talk seriously to my folks. I've given up on that. A lifetime of being ridiculed, dismissed and ignored if not outright yelled at has just soured me on serious discussion. I'm stuck picking up everybody else's mess because apparently the goddamn trashcan is too much effort to walk to to throw away sweetener wrappers less than 3 feet away from the countertops. And they wonder why I don't bother cleaning my room. I'm too tired to give a shit about my own mess.

I wish I had a ton of money. I'd blow this popsicle stand tomorrow if I could. Not surprisingly, Illinois has one of the worst unemployment rates in the nation, and thanks to Assholevich (kudos to whoever thought that one up :lol: ) the state is also about 9 mil in the red ink, making it harder to finance support programs designed to aid people. Not that I qualify for any of those either, since I don't fit any of the main criteria and I can't get my folks to help me out on the damn paperwork required to apply for any such stuff (tax info is required and being that I live at home, they require this info for their records).

I don't know what to do. I'm reaching my limit for bullshit. :(

Irving Patrick Freleigh
03-13-2009, 04:23 AM
Assholevich (kudos to whoever thought that one up :lol: )

I'm disappointed. All that news coverage about the guy and I never learned whether that thing on his head was a cheap toupee or a horrendous freak of nature.

Amethyst Hunter
03-13-2009, 06:32 AM
I'm disappointed. All that news coverage about the guy and I never learned whether that thing on his head was a cheap toupee or a horrendous freak of nature.

I vote parasitic alien life form. It's the only possible explanation for how somebody could be so incredibly stupid and unaware of anything outside his own existence. :devil:

RootedPhoenix
03-13-2009, 08:28 AM
I have no soothing advice, nor do I know where bucketloads of money are hidden, but I have chocolate! *offers*

It sounds like I'd feel the same way you do if I were there. I like where I am now. It's a city, but it's not HUGE (I'm thinking of San Francisco or Los Angeles in comparison) and full of allergy-exciting smog. It's also got some open spaces within the city limits.

I'd offer Sacramento itself as a suggestion of a place to escape to, but it's not exactly down the road.

AnaKhouri
03-13-2009, 03:19 PM
There's something you can do to make yourself feel a bit better- start cooking! You don't need that much knowledge, all you have to do is follow instructions; a simple cookbook can be a big help. Let your family make what they want, and you can cook a small portion of what you want. Maybe when they see how good it looks they will be willing to try new things.

How much influence do you have in food shopping? I know eating healthy can be expensive but once you start you feel so much better, it's crazy.

It's a small thing, but it might pick up your spirits a little.

Amethyst Hunter
03-14-2009, 04:49 AM
There's something you can do to make yourself feel a bit better- start cooking! You don't need that much knowledge, all you have to do is follow instructions; a simple cookbook can be a big help. Let your family make what they want, and you can cook a small portion of what you want. Maybe when they see how good it looks they will be willing to try new things.

How much influence do you have in food shopping? I know eating healthy can be expensive but once you start you feel so much better, it's crazy.

Not very much. Since I have no money coming in, guess who gets to call the finance shots? Yep.

I could ask my mom (she's slightly more willing to listen to me than is my dad), but neither of my parents are really big on New Exciting Things, and because of my dad's issues with certain foods (he can't have many sweet things because of his diabetes, he can't eat really hard things because he has no teeth; he wears dentures that really don't fit him all that great, and he can't eat spicy things because it gives him an upset stomach/heartburn - he can't even eat a whole lot of pizza sauce because that will make him sick. We have to order any pizza we buy with light sauce) there's not a lot that I can do that won't either annoy someone or make them sick (my mom hates it when I try putting ginger in foods, for example). And neither of my folks is a fan of fish; when they do eat it, it's always that fried perch or cod stuff you find in taverns when one has a local fish fry. I like perch and cod too, but I love most any type of seafood, and they hate it when I cook salmon and tilapia because they claim it "stinks." (they also won't eat either of those because they don't like the taste)

I was born into the wrong family, I swear. :(

RetailWorkhorse
03-14-2009, 04:59 AM
I was born into the wrong family, I swear. :(

Yes, yes you were. Holy flipping DOG.

*Takes a moment to imagine a dog doing backflips*

*Chuckles*

*Tries to compose himself*

What the hell kinda podunk wee town are you IN now?! Dayum.

Amethyst Hunter
03-14-2009, 07:37 AM
What the hell kinda podunk wee town are you IN now?! Dayum.

Population is less than or at a thousand. And not really growing either, because folks around here have a morbid fear of development (which isn't entirely unfounded given the rabid growth of the counties surrounding us; my old county has gone completely to shit ever since they let in all the crapfests. While I enjoy shopping just fine, I also don't think we need to have a bajillion retail nutters - half of whom I've never even heard of - clustering on every street corner in existence. Nor do we need these godawful McMansions or cookie-cutter duplexes...). So nobody wants anything to come in here because it will OMG spoil the 'small-town atmosphere.' I kid you not, the most action this place ever sees the *entire* year is when they have their farm equipment auction every spring, or when some dinky car show occasionally sets up shop downtown and the bar here does its business.

I do think it's possible to retain that small home-ness feel and still have decent civilization, so to speak, but people have this damned myth stuck in their heads that small-town = never change anything or it'll be O NOES RUINED 4-EVAR. (There's also the myth that small towns are friendlier than larger places, which both my mom and I can easily disprove. If you ain't a Big Name around here, you're nobody. My mom was originally from a large town when she met my dad, and when they moved to my old hometown my mom found herself being snubbed by a lot of people just because she was from "the city.") Done properly, it won't turn into a suburbia explosion and neither will it stay stuck in the stone ages.

I was actually amazed that this town has its own tornado siren (which I found out the hard way last year one day when I happened to be walking down the street next to it and the testing blare went off). Though I'm still glad I bought my weather radio when I did...

To be somewhat fair, the people in the town itself don't seem to be too bad (albeit like I said, it's pretty old/conservative and that doesn't suit me so well). But we see the influence of the bigger towns east and south of us, and that's where some of the nastier crap emanates - the town about 20 miles south of us that my brother and his family moved out of last year, for instance, has had a longstanding reputation for drugs, dropouts and racists. I was *horrified* when my SIL informed me once that a town near to it actually has an active KKK presence! :eek: (Her dad lives in that town and they came up to his door once knocking for donations. Needless to say, they left empty-handed.)

But yeah. I don't like this place. The house I live in is interesting (I like my room because it has an arch in it, and big windows), but it's also OLD and as such lacks certain amenities that displease me (I *refuse* to live in another house that does not have central air conditioning). And I wouldn't be surprised in the least if there was something in here that was making me sick(er) - dust is a huge, huge allergy trigger for me.

Seshat
03-14-2009, 09:13 AM
Okay. Some suggestions:

* Make a list of requirements for a place to live.
Air quality is critical for you, so is opportunity for entry and mid level employment in industries you're interested in working in.
'Town' rather than 'City' seems important to you, as does 'Town' rather than 'Village' or 'Small Town'. Figure out which amenities you require - what makes a 'town' rather than a 'small town'. Also figure out which amenities seem to mark the difference between 'town' and 'city'.
You also have an 'acceptable weather' window. Most people do. Figure that out.

* Once you have that list of requirements, start listing places which fit them.

* In all the places that fit, make enquiries about welfare, start looking for jobs, and start looking for the cheapest acceptable housing you can. Also look for people who might take the cats for a month or so, who live either there or on the way between where you are now, and where you're trying to be.

* Also, start PMing people here and on other online communities you know. Only the ones who you like, who seem trustworthy and not-scary. (I'm not going to advocate letting the whole community know where you plan to be - there's no way we can screen every member for sanity.)

* The people who you PM may be able to help you transfer self+cats to your new place. Or someone might have a friend in place-you're-going who has a spare fridge. Or someone might be going on a road trip between place A and place B and have room in their car. Or someone can look after your cats for a few weeks, and knows someone else who'd be happy to drive them to new-home.
Yes, the majority of people you PM won't actually be able to help you, and will wish they could. But enough are likely to be able to help you in a small way that you can probably do it.
(Edit to add, for the people who might get asked: only offer what you freely can - neither I for AH would want you putting yourself out.)

It's amazing how a network of small generosities can make the impossible doable. Yes, it'll be tough. Even with the small generosities, this is a tough move with difficult circumstances; and I wish you all the best.

But it sounds like this is a move you need to make, for your own sake.

Amethyst Hunter
03-17-2009, 06:00 AM
An idea that I'm seriously considering...

I don't know yet how this is going to work out, but I'm figuring to spend next winter in Florida. Yeah, I know I bitched a mouth and a half about living down there. Vacationing/semi-vacationing is a little different. I'd have to get some sort of employment, of course (most likely retail as that's all I'm qualified for, sadly, but oh well). But I could handle a temporary exile as opposed to a more permanent one (especially since I have no friends in Florida; at least with Illinois, I have one that I can on occasion visit with), and the heat in the winter isn't nearly as bad as what it's like during the summer (we hates the heat, yes we does, preciousssss).

Where I'd live...well, that's details that have yet to be worked out (we no longer have a house there as we sold it right before the market got *really* bad). But I think that could be a tolerable somewhat-solution to my illnesses, at least. And I'd come back north for the spring/summer/fall.

*retires to plot for the evening*