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Gravekeeper
03-22-2009, 07:01 PM
Forgive me a moment, for I must rant and you are as kind an audience as I know.

This week, I almost reached what I can only refer to as my saturation point for the sheer amount of stupidity and rudeness that seems to walk this Earth at night. In 3 easy steps no less. It was already fairly moist with the tides of idiocy I deal with on the phone.

My Bastard Switch was ever so lightly fingered. It began simply enough....



Step 1: Don't even make it a block from my house.

Now, I live in a rather nice, large, residential neighbourhood. But it has That House(tm). You know, that one house in the neighbourhood that's rented by either college students or white trash who think Domestic Disturbance is another way of saying Family Time? Yes, that house. That House hasn't been That House for very long. It only recently had new renters move in. College students. Frat boy ones.

Within a week, there were 4 cop cars in front of that house breaking up some sort of house party and / or riot. So the neighbourhood is mildly displeased with its new occupants currently and the police are displeased at having to tie up so many units for some drunken fuckwit festival. But anyway, I was walking by this house when a voice called out to me:

"Hey, excuse me?"

I turn, and see this girl behind me. I assume she is seeking directions. As 9 times out of 10 when I am stopped, it is for directions as I wear glasses and thus must know everything.

"Can you spare some change?"

......wha? Bloody hell. Usually I can at least make it downtown before losers try to bum change off me ( and yes, 98% of them are complete losers in Vancouver. They'll try to bum change off you while they had iPod earbuds on. ). She's blasted out of her mind, so I can only assume she wandered out of That House(tm) and decided to try and drudge some additional beer money for the rest of the tribe.

Not to mention its 6 blocks to the nearest commercial establishment that would even be open at this time ( 7/11 ) that would have the sort of foot traffic necessary to facilitate panhandling. I guess the rarity of passersby explains her rates....

"Aw come on, you can't even spare a tooney?"

For those of you outside of Canada, a tooney refers to our $2 coin. The largest denomination of coin we have. Yes, that's right, upon being informed I do not have any spare change she immediately asks me for the largest possible denomination of coin my country has.

Whatever, I ignore her and walk away...



Step 2: Parental Supervision

annnd at the store. I walk up to the store, seeking nourishment and sufficient caffeine supplies to endure the night. There's a guy out front, leaning by the door waiting for the bus with his son. But the son is playing around directly in front of the door to the store. This door opens outwards.

The kid can't be more than 3 so he's way way below eye level, wearing a dark jacket in the middle of the friggan night. No one's going to see this little speed bump until after they've plastered him across the sidewalk with the door. I had to half shuffle, half negotiate with him just to get enough clearance to open the door enough to get in.

So what's dad doing? Every now and than he tells the kid to stop without even looking at him and continues to ignore the child completely. So of course the kid isn't stopping. But you know this asshole will probably start a fight with the first person that so much as bumps the kid with the door.

Argh!


Step 3: The Zone of Apathy

I discovered I have what I can only refer to as a Zone of Apathy. It is a rather calming place I must say.

After I arrived downtown and was leaving the station I noticed something peculiar. Now, its sort of a blind corner from where I'm coming from to the main entrance. So I can't see the doors. But the 3 guys in front of me get to doors, I see them stop, talk amongst themselves, shrug than keep walking to the far doors. Hrm...odd. A few more people do the same thing before I reach the corner. Oh well, I figure the door is out of order, right?

Wrong.

I round the corner and someone is leaning on the door from the outside. There are two double doors that exit the station. This is Friday night, the busiest night downtown at the exit to the busiest transit station in the city and some butter toasted blueberry twat waffle is standing directly outside one of the exit doors, leaning on it? These doors of course open outwards, so him leaning on it effectively blocks that door entirely.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

What matter could be so important as to block half the exit to the busiest transit station in the city on the busiest night in the city forcing everyone to walk around you to the far door?

He's trying to chat up some chick.

<twitch>

Now, this guy, I'm sure you've seen him before. He's everywhere after 10pm on a Friday. Short, spiked, gelled hair, little goatee even though he has the baby face of a 12 year old, single earring, enough aftershave to scare off elk half a mile away and that sort of icky "I am god's gift to the vagina" attitude. They appear downtown for one reason, and one reason only: To convince someone or something to let them put their penis in it.

To make it all the better, he's chatting up a Surrey Girl(tm). So it's not like there's much of a difficulty curve here. I recognize her by her uniform: Hooded sweat shirt with the hood up, track pants, bleach blond with the roots showing, heavy blue eye shadow and glitter, at least 6 piercings and a designer purse for no apparent reason and a logo plastered on her ass.

That's when the Zone of Apathy overtook me and the thought "Meh, screw this guy" crossed my mind. Everything became peace and calm. I'm not about to walk around to the far door just because some oily, Axe bodywash encrusted jiffpuzz is trying to talk his way into a day pass in the glory hole(s).

So I opened the door of course. Now, I'm not a total bastard ( Yet, anyhow ). They're double doors and I pushed the one opposite the one he was leaning all his weight on. But these doors are notoriously sticky so it pushed out the door he was leaning on somewhat too, surprising him and throwing him a little off balance.

Which of course, I assume, dishonoured his throbbing man hood in the face of his poon lottery. I had, for one brief moment, disturbed the force of his Cool(tm) directly in front of his would be conquest. He had to recover. He had to save face and the illusion he has a remarkably gifted penis size, and he had to do it quickly.

Thus, this was spat at me from his red baby cheeked rage:

"HEY! You better WATCH IT, son!!"

Which, I'll admit tickled me. As he was at least 5 years younger than me. But whatever. I really just get more and more calm rather than angry. So I merely grumbled back:

"Pfft, you're not even worth it."

and cut right between the two of them.

I didn't hear a further word directed at my back. So I assume he merely sat there and chewed anger until he remembered there were tits in front of him.



Argh! Why must humanity suck so? This isn't good. I'm beginning to hit my limit. =p

NotSoInnocent
03-22-2009, 07:35 PM
*in non-stalkerish/only-semi-fangirl way* .... .... *hugs* Sorry you've had a shitty day, hun. It'll get better. You'll see something that completely trips your funny bone and spend a few minutes every hour for several hours cackling madly at the memory.

Animae
03-22-2009, 07:42 PM
As to the dude on the door.

I find Stompy boots speak volumes.

Get a nice pair of flamey new rocks with a large metal bit on the toes. You'll be amazed how quickly people move, or, when they try and pick a fight, decide they don't want to get kicked by you.

HorrorFrogPrincess
03-22-2009, 08:16 PM
I second the New Rocks as a stylish warning. Though I lean toward skull buckles. Give it that Grim Reaper feel.

Buglady
03-22-2009, 08:57 PM
I find it hilarious that the Surrey Girl still exists (I went to high school in Victoria, twenty years ago, and we had them then... they had fewer piercings and bigger hair then, but the bleach-blonde and blue eye shadow parts still applied...)

You probably ruined that guy's entire YEAR by ignoring his Manly Awesomeness, though :) (And I recognize that type, too. My college is full of them >< - although it IS amusing when they hit on me and I gently inform them I am in fact old enough to have given birth to them; had I actually done so, of course, they'd have been taught better manners and better taste in aftershave...)

El Pollo Guerrera
03-23-2009, 06:05 AM
I find it hilarious that the Surrey Girl still exists...

They will always exist. They will probably be around with the cockroaches after Ragnarok.

Anyways, I'm a jerk and would have opened the door that the guy was leaning on. Then kept walking as if I hadn't seen them.

Or, better, jumped through the door channelling the spirit of 'Crazy Canucks Fan', getting in their faces shouting "GO CANUCKS!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!" Knocks the pins right out from under them.

Jester
03-23-2009, 06:12 AM
First I must thank you for making me take even longer to drink my beer than usual. For I have learned that, when drinking beer and reading a Gravekeeper rant, one must do one or the other, but not both simultaneously, lest one (a) ruin their monitor, keyboard, or both, or (2) waste perfectly good beer. (Or in this case Miller Lite.)

Secondly I must thank you for a very entertaining post. I haven't even gotten to your usual Sunday offering in Sucky Customers yet, but this was a good start!

Forgive me a moment, for I must rant and you are as kind an audience as I know.

Um, just how many audiences DO you know? Because you rather struck my as a shy, quiet fellow, who merely rants to us, his coworkers, and his cat, and is not in the habit of leaping up on a makeshift stage to spew his misanthropy to strangers.

"Can you spare some change?"

......wha? Bloody hell. Usually I can at least make it downtown before losers try to bum change off me

I love this type. I don't mind so much when it's the professional bums--you know, the old guys who look like a dingy skinny Santa Claus after a two week bender in a garbage dumpster--but when it's twentysomethings it rather pisses me off. My favorite was a youngster who, upon my exiting a convenience store with a twelve pack of cold frothy goodness, asked, "Hey, can I get some of those?"

Hmmm. I buy my friends beer. I buy occasional amusing tourists beer. I would buy Gravekeeper beer if he was here, I were there, or he actually drank the stuff. But these are people I like, and who have made me smile in some way. You, on the other hand, are a lazy lout who, while fully capable of working, chooses to panhandle and be a pain in the ass to those of us who do, in fact, work. More importantly, I don't know you, you have given me no reason to supply you with my favorite inebriant, and you have not even made me smile.

In other words, fuck off, go get a job, and buy your own fucking beer.

"Aw come on, you can't even spare a tooney?"

And then there's the high class bum, who not only wants your change, but asks for larger denominations. They are either high class or lazy for bums, figuring they will ask for more in the hopes of having to do it less. Mathematically, it makes sense. Realistically, it fails. Epically.

This is Friday night, the busiest night downtown at the exit to the busiest transit station in the city and some butter toasted blueberry twat waffle is standing directly outside one of the exit doors, leaning on it?

Thank you, sir, for my new favorite Phrase of Awesomeness.

What matter could be so important as to block half the exit to the busiest transit station in the city on the busiest night in the city forcing everyone to walk around you to the far door?

He's trying to chat up some chick.

Hold on, GK. Actually, that IS a perfectly good reason to be doing something stupid, inconsiderate, or annoying.

Actually, that is usually the best reason to be doing ANYTHING. I'm afraid I gotta side with the butter toasted blueberry twat waffle on this one. :D

Now, this guy, I'm sure you've seen him before. He's everywhere after 10pm on a Friday. Short, spiked, gelled hair, little goatee even though he has the baby face of a 12 year old, single earring, enough aftershave to scare off elk half a mile away and that sort of icky "I am god's gift to the vagina" attitude. They appear downtown for one reason, and one reason only: To convince someone or something to let them put their penis in it.

Yes, I know this guy. We all do. He is not unique to Vancouver or even Canada. We have local versions of this guy and, with Spring Break having snuck through here recently, we had imported versions as well. While I side with his reasoning, his bearing, personality, and attire are repulsively ridiculous. Or ridiculously repulsive. You pick.

To make it all the better, he's chatting up a Surrey Girl(tm).

The amusing there here for ME is that, technically speaking, my ex-fiance The Brit was a Surrey girl. Of course, that was Surrey, ENGLAND, not Surrey, CANADA. I get the feeling that there is a huge difference. Actually, I know there is, based on the fact that your description of your typical Surrey Girl(tm) did not in any way match my former Surrey girl.

Sorry for that interruption. Where were we?


"HEY! You better WATCH IT, son!!"

Which, I'll admit tickled me. As he was at least 5 years younger than me. But whatever. I really just get more and more calm rather than angry. So I merely grumbled back:

"Pfft, you're not even worth it."

and cut right between the two of them.

Somehow I don't know if that Zone of Apathy would have had much effect on me.

For I imagine I would have turned and fixed him with a Stare of Death, perhaps silently, perhaps asking, quietly and chillily, "Or...?"

I really oughtta teach you the Stare of Death. It can be rather effective. RATHER effective. :devil:

malmalthekiller
03-23-2009, 06:43 AM
I'm just so sick of people in general.

I walk into work with my head down, so I don't have to look at anyone walking around.

People will just jot out in front of my car as I'm driving anywhere. Even if I have a green light, and there's no crosswalk...and it's 2am and they're wearing all dark...*twitch*.

I want to give the collective human population a punch in the face.

Jester
03-23-2009, 07:01 AM
I want to give the collective human population a punch in the face.

Might I suggest a squirt gun instead? Far more entertaining, especially from a moving vehicle, harder to trace the source, and far less likely to get you into any kind of trouble, physical, legal, or otherwise.

Plus, as I said, it's far more entertaining. :D

SengaKitty
03-23-2009, 09:08 AM
butter toasted blueberry twat waffle

Gravekeeper, m'dear, I am so glad that I had already put down my Extreme caffe caramel when I read this, else I would have ruined Sir's computer, and wasted perfectly good caramel infused vodka. May I please add this to my arsenal of insults? Please? Pretty please? -begs very prettily and offers wonderful sources of happy caffeinated treats-

Have I mentioned that, as a newly outed girl geek, I would love to become your fangirl?
:love:

SengaKitty
03-23-2009, 09:10 AM
Might I suggest a squirt gun instead?

I second this notion, but I'm also a rather sick individual :devil::angel:

Gravekeeper
03-23-2009, 12:42 PM
I love this type. I don't mind so much when it's the professional bums--you know, the old guys who look like a dingy skinny Santa Claus after a two week bender in a garbage dumpster--but when it's twentysomethings it rather pisses me off.

Ugh, I know. When I first moved to the Lower Mainland here, years and years ago, it was just the Santa Claus sort. They were typically really nice honestly, were polite, said please and thank you. Perhaps the occasional "Right on, brotha!". I knew one guy downtown that I gave change too every night for a couple of years. Nice guy, had his little "Need $ for a haircut and clothes" sign. As the months went on he slowly got nicer clothes, got a hair cut and got progressively cleaner. Till I ran into him one night, went to offer him the usual change and he waved me off, telling me he didn't need it.

Told me he'd found a half-way house in Victoria and a job nearby. Nothing fancy, but enough to support himself. He was at his usual panhandling spot not because he wanted change, but so he could thank all the regulars and let them know he'd gotten back on his feet.

Nice guy. Haven't seen him since.

But......NOW, argh. Everyone panhandling downtown these days is a 20 something, if that, little brat that's just panhandling because they can make as much if not more money asking for change than they can working an actual job. For much less actual effort. Drives me nuts. Because they typically have a cell phone or an iPod hidden under their dirty pity blanket. They have friends that drop by every few hours to hang out with them. They don't have a shred of manners of course.

Yet enough people still give them money for them to picket $80-90 a day. Tax free. Meanwhile anyone that actually needed change has been shoved off god knows where. Likely down to the east side.

Nothing irks me more than being asked for change by a kid wearing more expensive cloths than I am. =p

As for the death stare, I think I do it unconsciously now and than. Once in a while I notice old people backing away from me on transit. >.>




May I please add this to my arsenal of insults? Please? Pretty please?

Feel free.


Have I mentioned that, as a newly outed girl geek

Did they throw you a coming out party yet? -.-

Broomjockey
03-23-2009, 02:35 PM
Told me he'd found a half-way house in Victoria and a job nearby. Nothing fancy, but enough to support himself. He was at his usual panhandling spot not because he wanted change, but so he could thank all the regulars and let them know he'd gotten back on his feet.

Nice guy. Haven't seen him since.


Wow. I actually got warm fuzzies from that. I didn't know I could. o_O

Jester
03-23-2009, 03:59 PM
I would love to become your fangirl?

Just exactly what GK needs....another fangirl. :rolleyes:

SengaKitty
03-23-2009, 04:42 PM
Did they throw you a coming out party yet? -.-

Sir's seriously considering it 0.o As, I think, is Smiley.....

ETA: And your story about the friendly panhandler made me smile. It's good to know there are still some honest people out there, and I'm glad to hear you haven't seen him panhandling any more. Hope he's doing alright where ever he is.

malmalthekiller
03-23-2009, 05:17 PM
Might I suggest a squirt gun instead? Far more entertaining, especially from a moving vehicle, harder to trace the source, and far less likely to get you into any kind of trouble, physical, legal, or otherwise.

Plus, as I said, it's far more entertaining. :D

I might invest in one. Maybe one of those humorous squirting flowers, so people don't know what hit them.

lordlundar
03-23-2009, 05:29 PM
Yet enough people still give them money for them to picket $80-90 a day. Tax free.

Pfft! Lightweights. A pro can pull off $500+ a day.

Gravekeeper
03-23-2009, 05:42 PM
Pfft! Lightweights. A pro can pull off $500+ a day.

Perhaps I should be more specific. You can only make $80-90 if you spit.

Yes, I am a terrible person.

Jester
03-23-2009, 05:54 PM
Maybe one of those humorous squirting flowers, so people don't know what hit them.

The problem with the squirting flowers is that they have very little range and very little ammunition capacity.

Keep in mind, from a moving vehicle, the last people expect is a stream of water, so trust me when I say they will not know what hit them.

Optimal firing position for the driver is to be steering with your left hand and have your right hand holding the weapon, below the windowsill, pointing out the driver's side window. Only the tip should be visible....not that anyone would notice this. Upon target acquisition, it is a simple matter to pull the trigger and soak the target...by the time the water actually hits them, not only will you be well down the street, but they will have little to no idea it was you.

The problem with driver-side firing is, of course, you are shooting across the street. Limits you due to range and the size of the street. If you have a passenger or are the passenger with the wet sniper weapon, reverse hand positions and fire upon those upon the sidewalk as you pass. Another advantage to the "shotgun" seat doing the firing is you are not limited to waterguns that can be operated with only one hand, or to a single burst from a pump-primed weapon. Passengers have more options open to them as they are not actually piloting a several-ton pile of steel and rubber at high speeds.

Though of course, if you are alone in your car, you can still fire through the passenger window, but aim and camouflage will be a bit more difficult.

NOT that I have ever tried any of this, mind you. :whistle:

bloodrose
03-23-2009, 07:53 PM
Perhaps I should be more specific. You can only make $80-90 if you spit.

Yes, I am a terrible person.

*sigh* Should I be embarrassed or proud that it took me many readings of that sentence to get it? :lol:

El Pollo Guerrera
03-24-2009, 05:22 AM
As much fun as it would be... driving through Vancouver with a water gun right now would probably be a bad idea. There's been a bit of a 'gang war' going on, and many drug dealers and family members have been shot and killed (along with a few innocent bystanders). A few of these 'hits' have happened in broad daylight, in crowded parking lots of shopping malls... And, of course, the police are out in force to 'keep the peace'.

I wouldn't want the words carved onto my tombstone to be "Brought a Super-Soaker to a gun fight..."

Amethyst Hunter
03-24-2009, 06:32 AM
With panhandlers, I've found (not that I've run into very many, mind you) that the offer of food instead of money can reveal their personality. I once saw an older guy (probably 50s - 60s) sitting by the side of a busy highway with one of those "will work for $" signs. Since I was feeling charitable that day, I went back to the nearby shopping complex and bought a sandwich and some chips. I also picked up some of the brochures for jobs and such that they sometimes have in grocery stores. I took this bag of goodies back to the guy and he thanked me pleasantly (I wasn't the only one who'd been inspired; a nearby McDonald's worker must've had the same thought because he came running over shortly before I pulled up with a box of fries for the guy).

Prior to this incident I had read somewhere years ago an interview with actor Tim Robbins (Shawshank Redemption - great movie) where he discussed how he taught his kids charity with responsibility, and he said something about how if you gave money to a panhandler, you wouldn't know if they were going to use the money for genuine purpose, or blow it on drugs/whatnot, so the best course of action, if one was inclined to give anything, was to give the person some food instead. The theory is that the fakers will be the ones to complain about not getting money, whereas the real hard-luck cases will be thankful to get just about anything.

One's mileage may vary, of course.

crazylegs
03-24-2009, 12:06 PM
I wouldn't want the words carved onto my tombstone to be "Brought a Super-Soaker to a gun fight..."

I would, it would be feckin' hilarious! :lol:

AdminAssistant
03-24-2009, 01:14 PM
This is a huuuuge problem in KC. I had people come up to my house, stop me on random neighborhood streets, and they stand at busy intersections and stare at you in your car. I never gave them anything. They did too many news stories of finding out who these people were to discover that they had cars, houses, families, etc.

Blade_Raver
03-25-2009, 05:34 AM
I had someone ask me for change once..

I eyed the person up and down a few times over.. saying "Hmm..."

After the person showed enough impatience, I said "Nope. You don't look dirty enough to convince me. Better luck next time!"