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View Full Version : I'm so confused. Need anwers. (Long)


Plaidman
04-10-2009, 08:58 PM
I live with my mom and my mom's friend. We all pay equal share in rent, bills, and consider ourselves roommates.

A few months ago, our roommate let a coworker of hers in our home. She heard rumors that this woman was a thief, but thought she could watch her. They got drunk. Naturally my wallet, that was in my coat in the kitchen showed up missing. My ID, social card, debit card, cash, pictures, health code blah blah blah.

I do misplace my wallet, so I search standard places. Nowhere. I clean my room. Nope. GONE. I cancel my cards, etc etc. Roommate is so ashame, helps pay for my ID, takes me to lunch. I was mad, but I didn't completly blame her. She was drunk.
My mom had other words, but held them in check for the most part.

Roomate during this time even told me the stories she heard. She confronted her at her work, and told her that her roomates wallet was missing. The coworker said she didn't steal my wallet, using male. My coworker never said she lived with a male, so yeah...

But whatever, forgive and forget. Its over. I'm out, and the human race keeps being the shitheads the bulk of them are.

Roomate knows of my feelings towards people. The general hatred I have. The gut feelings that are normally right. And the fact I tend to do the right thing, even if I get in trouble/hurt for it.

Now, little bit ago, A very close friend told me she was going to visit me. Since she out of state, she'll be here for 2 weeks. I'm estactic. Mom cool, and wants it to happen. She been hoping I get a close friend like her for a very long time.

I do a dumbass move, and tell girl its ok, before telling roomate. I made a mistake. Mom tries to tell her. Roomate freaks out. ALOT. Saying horrible things. Mom does the remark that me saying I trust someone, is saying ALOT. Speaking volumes about someones character.
Not enough. Roomate wants to know if I be able to watch her while I'm taking a shower. Mom does standard smartass remakr that I learned from her, (Which was seeing as they'll likely take showerst ogether... yeah)

But roomate isn't having any of it, and gave us all the silent treatment. I tried talking to her, and got very polite terse talkings. Roomate is now moving away. We can't afford rent, so we gotta get another place too, which may take up all my savings.
A few times we had family member here, (My aunt Rena, who lost her granddaughter, my cousin Natasa to Cancer), my mom being who she is, would tell roomate that don't worry, she watching her sister real close.

I tried asking roomate what was up, and she won't answer too much. I'm feeling horrible. This is my fault. She wouldn't have done this if I just asked first.

Now just a few minutes ago, before I started to type this, I hear her talking on the phone. She likely thinks I'm asleep.

She complaining about having to get my ID. She complaing about taking me to lunch. I TRIED TO FORCE HER NOT TO PAY! I didn't want it! IT WASNT HER FAULT. But she wouldn't have it, and when you have an angry woman, its best to do what they say.

I talk to my mom. My mom told me she been done with her bestfriend for a long time. The only reason we all got a place together, was to help her. My sister is happy. Sue wouldn't even visit mom during her surgerys and heart attacks she had.

I don't understand. I'm trying to figure out why she became such a well, BITCH?! I been polite to her. Years ago, when I was 14, I'd walk her home when she was so shitface drunk she kept falling down, and doing joking sexual references to me. (We both did this, nothing serious). Since this was before her operation, it was very hard to get her up again. This was of course begging her just to take my bed and I sleep on the couch, but her not wanting it. I took care of her babies (cats) when she was out of town. She made me food. I watch out for her, help her out.

I still can't feel like this isn't my fault, because why would she complain about doing that? That was the starting of the downfall of how she treated us. Since I work alot at nights, and sleep during the day, I didn't see her too much.

Granted, mom likely had some hand in it too. We both disliked her favorite cat, since her favorite cat tend to like to claw and bite and make my own cat a shaking mess that she had to live in my room since we moved here a while back out of abjact fear of being attacked by it. But we never hit it, or insulted it, we even pet it. When it got lost in the winter storm Portland was hit, I felt so bad because I was the last one to see it before I left, it must have ran out. I searched every day for seval hours. Roommate didn't really care. She made remarks that it was likely already dead. Natuarlly it came back to my relief, though not to my cat since she could play in the house with the other cat just fine.

I pay attention to her granddaughter, who after the thievery incident, just didn't want to play with me. (We'd watch TV, or play stupid games on the computer. She even drew a picture for me).


But now, I hear her complaining. I just don't get it. I feel guilty. Mom happy. Everyone is happy. Except me. Even Sue doesn't seem to happy.

She use to call me her son too. I was a far better one then her real one, who ran out on her when he was 15. He came back in her life when she got some money. Now he borrows her car at all hours. Threatens to not bring his daughter if he doesn't.

I couldn't do that. I can be an jackass to people I don't like, but I'll be nice to assholes if it means that a person I do love would be happy, so I treated her son like a real person despite I knew what a greedy twoface thieivng drug user he was.


I'm just confused. I don't know what to make of it.

One-Fang
04-10-2009, 09:23 PM
Some people are just jerks.

My google-fu is off so I can't exactly quote the elephant handler from The Simpsons. Basically, some elephants, just like people, are "just jerks".

I guess all you have to do here is try to shake it off, remember that you and your mom are better people than her, and recognise that some people, no matter what you do for them, will never be thankful or grateful or even just good friends.

McGoddess09
04-11-2009, 03:30 AM
Wow. I kinda feel responsible now.

I'm sorry I led her to do that. :cry:

I won't be much trouble. I promise.

And close friend? Darling, I'm your girlfriend. I'll let it slide. lol

Aethian
04-11-2009, 03:56 AM
*snerks* McGoddess...your boy needs a hug. He got all flustered and now just needs some comfort from his lady. So get to it! Rar!

Plaidman...the lady who is moving out is acting like a spoiled Princess. The world does not revolve around herand until she figures that out, she's going to keep burning bridges until she finds herself on a island alone. That being said....budget budget budget when it comes to looking for a new apartment.

Jester
04-11-2009, 06:16 AM
Plaid, McG, both of you, stop. Seriously, just....stop. Because neither one of you is to blame. The only one to blame here is the Roommate.

And since I have no problem calling something what it is, I'll say what others have thought: she is a fucking idiot, a diva, a jerk, a user, and a douchewaffle. I fart in her general direction, and make fun of her mother the elderberry. (Yes, I know that's not the quote. Hush. I'm rolling now.) I wish her a speedy move (and bumpy, too, so lots of her shit breaks) so that she can get out of your lives that much faster.

Eric the Grey
04-11-2009, 09:25 AM
Agreed with the others. She can invite someone over and you cannot? Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot?

Seriously, you may have slipped by not mentioning it first, but mistakes happen. She needs to get over it.


:cool: Eric the Grey

goldaries13
04-11-2009, 10:10 AM
Slash her throat! Eat her eyes! STEAL HER SHOES!!!

*ahem* Sorry, got a little carried away.

May she fall down a very deep hole.

Aethian
04-11-2009, 11:44 AM
Slash her throat! Eat her eyes! STEAL HER SHOES!!!

*ahem* Sorry, got a little carried away.

May she fall down a very deep hole.

O.o *shifts away to hide behind the awesome Jester*

Jester
04-11-2009, 02:26 PM
O.o *shifts away to hide behind the awesome Jester*

What makes you think I disagree with the sentiment you were hiding from?

McGoddess09
04-11-2009, 08:09 PM
I fart in her general direction


Call me immature, but that had me laughing.

Aethian
04-11-2009, 09:39 PM
What makes you think I disagree with the sentiment you were hiding from?

Cause I don't want to get covered in blood and guts and gore?

Jester
04-11-2009, 10:53 PM
Cause I don't want to get covered in blood and guts and gore?

And what makes you think I would stop the blood, guts and gore, OR protect you from them? Hell, I might help in the carnage. :devil:

Aethian
04-11-2009, 10:56 PM
Cause you would be getting the blood guts and gore on you and I would be behind you and out of the way of the spray?

Jester
04-12-2009, 12:07 AM
I'm not that large a fellow, blood and gore have a habit of getting everywhere, and if I joined the fray, you would have no protection.

Getting back to the OP....yeah, the roommate is a fuckwit.

BookstoreEscapee
04-12-2009, 01:59 AM
I was mad, but I didn't completly blame her. She was drunk.

Call me judgmental, but frankly, that's no excuse. She invites someone over who she apparently admittedly does not trust and proceeds to get drunk? And she sounds like a bit of a...what's the word?... oh, yeah - hypocrite.

Wow. I kinda feel responsible now.

I'm sorry I led her to do that. :cry:

NOT your fault. Plaidman should have told her first, perhaps - not asked her permission; you pay an equal share of the rent, you have an equal right to have guests - but not really his fault, either. This woman sounds, for lack of a better word, a tad unbalanced (sorry, I don't have Jester's way with words :p).

Slash her throat! Eat her eyes! STEAL HER SHOES!!!

*ahem* Sorry, got a little carried away.

May she fall down a very deep hole.

Don't you think stealing her shoes is going just a bit too far? Besides, how will she run away if she has no shoes?

Oh, and what Jester said.

Moar giggles (http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/02/26/funny-pictures-i-farts-in-yor-genral-direkshun/).

And just for the hell of it (http://icanhascheezburger.com/2009/01/12/funny-pictures-kitteh-ministry-of-crazy-walkz/).

Ah, one more (http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/04/01/funny-pictures-bring-me-a-shrubbery/).

Seshat
04-12-2009, 02:40 AM
Roommate is so ashame, helps pay for my ID, takes me to lunch. I was mad, but I didn't completly blame her. She was drunk.
My mom had other words, but held them in check for the most part.

She freely chose to do it. Therefore it is her choice, her responsibility, not allowed to be part of the current discussion. (See my .sig).


Now, little bit ago, A very close friend told me she was going to visit me. Since she out of state, she'll be here for 2 weeks. I'm estactic. Mom cool, and wants it to happen. She been hoping I get a close friend like her for a very long time.

I do a dumbass move, and tell girl its ok, before telling roomate. I made a mistake.

OMG, you're human?


But roomate isn't having any of it, and gave us all the silent treatment. I tried talking to her, and got very polite terse talkings.

Okay, you made a mistake. I'm presuming you attempted to come up with some sort of compromise situation, but she was unwilling to be reasonable.

She complaining about having to get my ID. She complaing about taking me to lunch. I TRIED TO FORCE HER NOT TO PAY! I didn't want it! IT WASNT HER FAULT. But she wouldn't have it, and when you have an angry woman, its best to do what they say.

Some people do such things in an attempt to build up ... well, I call them 'manipulation points'. I have learned not to allow that - I have learned to accept people's freely made decisions as just that, and will in fact call people on it if necessary.

I'm not saying that this is what's happened here. I don't know the people or the situation. However, that is what might be happening here.


I don't understand. I'm trying to figure out why she became such a well, BITCH?!
. . .
I still can't feel like this isn't my fault, because why would she complain about doing that? That was the starting of the downfall of how she treated us
. . .
But now, I hear her complaining. I just don't get it. I feel guilty. Mom happy. Everyone is happy. Except me. Even Sue doesn't seem to happy.
. . .
I'm just confused. I don't know what to make of it.


Again, I am not saying that the roommate is a manipulator, but I'm going to talk about manipulative people to let you know what might be happening.

When a manipulative person doesn't get their own way, they will strive to make the person who isn't giving it to them feel like a heel. They'll dredge up past incidents, they'll magnify the importance of mistakes, they'll disregard or discount past things that the victim did that benefitted them.

They'll do whatever it takes to try to undermine the victim. If they can't get the victim to do what they want, they'll still try to make the victim feel horrible. If they can do it while making themselves look good, that's even better. If they can make themselves into the martyr, who does Nice Things for the victim, while the victim is the Bad Guy who did This Horrible Thing To Me, that's best of all.

And the manipulator might even come to believe that themselves! The manipulator can, as near as I can tell, actually forget the objective truth, seeing only their subjective, highly invalid version.


There's also an innocent (or at least totally subconscious) version of this sort of thing, that happens when someone changes. People get used to patterns of relationships. Dad is always the dominant one, Mum is always the carer, Big Sis is the Golden Girl, Middle Brother is the Sporting Hero, Baby Brother is the Child.

Then Baby Brother grows up, wants to stop being the Child of the family, starts acting like an adult. And everyone else's relationship to Baby Brother has to change, and they resist that. There might be arguments, there'll certainly be stresses in the entire family relationship. If Baby Brother sticks to it, though, and everyone's adult and reasonable about it, eventually the family will reform around the new relationship dynamics and be fine.

However, in the middle of that change, it can look almost identical to the Manipulator situations. The big difference is that this is trying to preserve relationship dynamics, keeping everyone in their comfort zones; rather than being an attempt to make the situation benefit the Manipulator. And once things settle, in the relationship-dynamics thing, everyone is healthy and the relationships are healthy. Whereas if the victim gives in to the manipulator, the victim ends up suffering to the manipulator's benefit.


.... anyway, the purpose for all that was to give you some information, to let you decide: is it possible that you're being Manipulated into feeling guilty? Is it possible that all of this is just her trying to use you? And your guilt is being manufactured?

If so... then you should get angry, and let the anger burn away the guilt. Then go ahead and use the anger-energy to do something. Use it to find the -perfect- apartment for you and your Mum, with this woman left entirely out to fend for herself. Write her out of your lives, and be done with her.

Jester
04-12-2009, 03:16 AM
I have to chime in yet again. Unless it is her place (and I do not believe it is), she does not have any right to tell you that you can't have people over, unless the three of you had such rules in place prior to this. Considering she had people over herself, I am going to guess that that is not the case.

Only once have I ever "banned" a roommate from having people over, and that was with cause....one of his friends helped himself to $300 out of another roommate's bedroom. So for a short while, that roommate was told he could not have people over until a few things got sorted out. He agreed to the ban, recognizing that that was fair, and agreed to repay the burgled roommate out of his own pocket, as his "friend" had left town.

This, however, was an extreme example. Generally speaking, no one roommate has the right to unilaterally tell another what they can and cannot do. Poppycock! I say.

Geek King
04-14-2009, 08:13 PM
It could also be displaced emotions. Your roomie knows she did something stupid, and you were hurt by her actions. She feels terrible, but has no one to blame but herself. Now, people generally don't handle being the bad guy very well, so roomie gets mad at the person she thinks is causing the bad feelings--you. After all, in her mind, if your wallet hadn't been stolen, she wouldn't feel bad about it. Not rational or fair, but some people get caught in that mental trap. Hopefully she'll finally get a clue and stop blaming you for something that was not your fault whatsoever.

Plaidman
04-14-2009, 09:07 PM
Thank you all. Roomate is almost gone. Mom is getting super excited and happy, and repeatedly tells me not to worry, blah blah. I did stop blaming myself. Its still confusing why it all happened to me, but at least I can move on now.


Thank you all again.

And yes, McGoddess is my girlfriend. I love her. :)

sportsmom
04-14-2009, 10:11 PM
Slash her throat! Eat her eyes! STEAL HER SHOES!!!


But what if she has ugly shoes? Seriously? Or they could be the wrong size.



Dude, let the loser go and don't look back. She has some real issues if she can't get over it, and you guys are better off without her.