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AdminAssistant
05-09-2009, 01:45 PM
Gahhhhh....

Department banquet last night. Overall, a good time. All the grad students sat together, everybody was all fancied up, and the Director of Grad Studies floored everyone when he said, "I've never seen so many potential lawsuits at once!" (ALL of the undergrad females were wearing as little as possible) Now, I knew I wasn't getting an award, because I didn't get an e-mail beforehand. However...

Practically every other grad student got SOMETHING, either a small award or a big one. The only ones who didn't get anything (besides me) were people who were graduating and one girl who just went ABD*, is moving away, and has a fellowship for next year. As a new kid, there was really only one big award that I could get, the New GTA award. There were three new GTAs, they gave out two awards. Guess who didn't get one? I'd never been so offended in my life. The kicker was that one of the new GTA's that DID get an award also got another big scholarship.

There was a party after, which was fine, although the faculty were very awkward around me, because I was holding it together, but it was obvious I was upset. I got home and had a complete nervous breakdown/anxiety attack. I just fell apart. 1) I feel like a complete abject failure. I'm a good student. I've always been a good student. I feel like I'm a good teacher. But apparently, I massively fail at life. Why else would there be no recognition? 2) I do not know how I'm going to afford to live this summer. I can pay my rent, and I think I'll have enough to pay my bills. I'll probably have to sell plasma and a lot of my movies and CD's to buy groceries. I'll tell my parents to make my birthday present gas money so that I can go home. I can probably scrape together enough to send Monster (nephew) a birthday present, but not enough for actual presents for Mother's Day, Father's Day, or Dad or Sis's birthdays. I desperately need new glasses, I just know that these awful headaches are related to eye strain. I've got a dentist appointment in June. Need money for health insurance.

Earlier in the semester, I had really been hoping for that award, thinking...wow, I could pay off my credit card bills, get new glasses, maybe get a mini-laptop! (The award is for several thousand dollars). Now, I'm going to wipe out my savings, rack up credit card bills, and just barely survive. And God forbid something go wrong with my car or laptop.

I can practically feel the stress running through me. This is finals week. I have a 15 page paper to write, two finals to take, and a big pile of grading to get through. I do not need this! Although, apparently, I'm such a crappy teacher, I guess I can just let the grading go. At this point, why should I even try?

* All But Dissertation

LibraryLady
05-09-2009, 03:42 PM
Dear AdminAssistant,

{{{hugs}}}

Yes, you are worthy and don't ever think that you're not.!

Those who work the hardest and are reliable are too often those who are not recognized. The general feeling is that she'll s/he'll always be there to do what needs to be done. If you're really good at what you do, nobody will notice it because excellent service is expected from you and you will produce what's needed.

Those who aren't quite up to snuff will be rewarded when they do something good because what they produced wasn't expected from them. Consistent competence may not be rewarded because nobody sees it. A fluke by a flake might be because it's so out of character.

You know your worth, we know your worth and there will be a time and place in which your worth will be valued. Soldier on, dear Lady and your friends here will be behind you.

Let's all raise our glasses in a toast to AdminAssistant!

lupo pazzesco
05-09-2009, 07:03 PM
:hug:

I can't say it any better than Library Lady, AdminAssistant. It sucks majorly that you were treated like this, and I know the sick fear that comes from financial worry (it does plague college students, doesn't it? We should form a club...)

Just remember, that, as you avatar says, you ARE made of awesome, even if the department can't recognize it. We do! So, I'm raising a glass with Library lady in a salute to you!

:cheers:

AdminAssistant
05-09-2009, 08:50 PM
Thanks guys.

I'm feeling a lot better now. I spent a good hour picking up the apartment, that helped. I can't wait to be done with classes so I can take a day and just deep clean the whole place and make it all shiny and sparkly! (An act that will hopefully be repeated with my car that currently has a nice green film of pollen all over the outside..ew) Anyway, cleaning up the environment a bit did wonders.

Still haven't called home yet. I'm debating asking Dad for some money for glasses. I know he'd give me as much as I needed, but I hate hate HATE asking, especially when things are so tight for them with Mom still temping here, there, and everywhere.

But, yeah, I'm feeling okay. Might as well, stuff's gotta get done. I'm almost done grading projects (yaaayyy!!) and then I can get started on the paper (my RHPS paper, so excited!) I'm going to have a meeting with one of my professors after finals are over, and maybe something concerning it will come up, maybe not. I'm still highly annoyed and hurt. And broke. But, I've had my big whiny thrash in self-pity, I'll take a brief stroll through bitterness, and then on with life.

Thanks for listening!

Shards
05-09-2009, 09:46 PM
You know, admin, I honestly never thought I'd agree with you on just about anything, but in this case, I have to say: You're right, they shouldn't have given out so many awards.

An award is supposed to be something that honors a few people who do a significantly above par job. It's supposed to cause people to compete and make everyone do well in order to try to attain it, and to leave it open to interpretation who would have gotten the award if the person who did win it haddn't. There should never be so many awards that there is only one person who doesn't get anything, because then that person goes into the same spiral you've described. I suppose they're trying to give out as many awards as they can to try to make everyone feel special (-snarl- sorry, that's the thing that annoys me most about academia) but they pretty much shot themselves in the foot. I mean, I don't agree with the things you say on here, and sometimes it gets to the point where the only reason I don't start up a debate with you is because this site has rules against the flame war it would turn into (my anger issues, not yours) but I know you're a darn good student, and a damn hard worker. Maybe you didn't deserve one of those awards, but I'm sure many of the people who did get them didn't deserve them any more than you did.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... This one's on the administration, you did what you could, you're going to keep doing it and light the world on fire (or at least whatever world a PhD in theater can get you into :P) but for some reason the admins decided to create a situation where one person got to feel the burn for the entire class, instead of distributing minor, acceptable burns around the class. You'll show them next year, I know you will. :hug:

BookstoreEscapee
05-09-2009, 10:32 PM
I spent a good hour picking up the apartment, that helped.


You can come visit me if you need more..uh..therapy. My place could keep you busy for hours!! :angel:

AdminAssistant
05-09-2009, 10:47 PM
:lol: BE...I still have lots of therapy to do here. I was just picking up clutter - books all over the place, paper clips, papers, notebooks, pens and pencils... It still needs to be cleaned but that will have to wait until after the paper.

BookstoreEscapee
05-10-2009, 01:48 AM
But I have tea and cookies!

lupo pazzesco
05-10-2009, 02:26 AM
But I have tea and cookies!

did someone say tea?? <perks up>

I likes tea...I neeeeeed tea... pwease...?

AdminAssistant
05-10-2009, 04:35 AM
You can have the tea, I'll take the cookies. After Wednesday. Dear Dieties, the quality of my life improves massively after Wednesday.