View Full Version : Your All-Time Favorite Quotes!

Jack T. Chance
06-22-2009, 04:39 AM
This is a "game" thread that proved popular on another forum I go to, so I'm starting it up here! :D

The idea behind this thread is simple: Post your favorite quotes! :)

But since they ARE quotes, it would be nice if you let us know who or where your quote comes from, mmm-kay? ;)

I'll start off with one of the greatest things ever written in any fantasy novel...

The Wizard's First Rule:

"People are stupid. Given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they're afraid it might be true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."

--From Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind


06-22-2009, 05:26 AM
"Yeah, I always find myself questioning the way I imagine my myths when I'm eating my Lucky Charms every morning with a goddamned Black Santa spoon!"- Rader from John Green's Paper Towns

"Life is like baseball. For the most part, nothing happens. Then there are moments, days, that you spend in utter glory. Or utter shit"-Desmond McKay from Black Irish

Jack T. Chance
06-22-2009, 05:50 AM
Some more faves... "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
--Albert Einstein
"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
--Arthur Dent, from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by the Late, Great Douglas Adams
"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
--Bruce (AKA David) Banner, from The Incredible Hulk
"I am NOT the man with whom to fuck!"
--Frank Elgyn (Michael Wincott), from Alien ResurrectionI especially like that last one! I saw the movie one time, in the theater, over 10 years ago, and I STILL remember that line! :D

Sadly, in my case, the ladies have interpreted that line in entirely the wrong way. :(

06-22-2009, 07:16 AM
Even the worlds greatest oak is just a nut who stood its ground.(I have no idea where its from but it fits me well.)

And of course:
This is my boom stick! - Army of Darkness

El Pollo Guerrera
06-22-2009, 07:48 AM
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

"The Rule of Nature is 'Survive'. The Rule of Man is 'Obey'. But the Rule of God is 'Love'." - from a cheap 70's horror movie called "The Night God Screamed"... I don't know why, but I've always liked that line. I'm not 100% on the quote, though... it's either Rule or Law.

06-22-2009, 08:16 AM
~"It would be a lot easier to enjoy your life if there weren't so many things trying to kill you every day."- CNN.com

~Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality- Jules de Gaultier

~Don't take life too serious. You'll never escape it alive anyway.- Elbert Hubbard

~Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoy is and the frog generally dies in the end.- E.B. White

~There is nothing more exhilarating tahn to be shot at without result.- Winston Churchill

To be honest I keep a journal of my favorite quotes. I could go on forever. I just wanted to end with these two.

~Music is music like food is food. You rarely meet someone who just eats Italian. - Gregory Charles from CBC Radio 2

~Evey new experience is unusual. The rest of life is just sleep and committee meetings. - Dr. Sophia Briggs in John Twelve Hawk's "The Traveler"

06-22-2009, 09:26 AM
I used to have a big text file of quotes I loved, but forgot to back it up. And now it's gone.

Here's a couple i could remember

This [a bible] is not a weapon... You idiot!
- Mary, Saved

From the movie Saved. It also has applications in real life

and from The Gruen Transfer, a television series about advertising, how it works, and how it works on you

"It's like trying to get laid by showing a girl your resume.
Look I was good at biology and woodwork so I know where stuff is and I'm good with my hands"
"...You know that might actually work."
- The Gruen Transfer, Dan Gregory & Wil Anderson

and pretty much anything from Terry Pratchett :)

06-22-2009, 09:48 AM
My all time favorites.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams." - Hamlet

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain." - Blade Runner

06-22-2009, 12:38 PM
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is not try." --Yoda, "The Empire Strikes Back.

“Naturally the common people don't want war.... That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along.... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” --Hermann Goering.

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin.

06-22-2009, 02:46 PM
A few of my favorites...

"Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines." -- Enzo Ferrari

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" -- Sir Michael Caine as Charlie Croker, The Italian Job

"Make the suspension adjustable and they will adjust it wrong -- look what they can do to a Weber carburetor in just a few moments of stupidity with a screwdriver." --Colin Chapman (founder, Lotus Cars)

"If God had meant for us to walk, why did he give us feet that fit car pedals?" -- Sir Stirling Moss

06-22-2009, 02:55 PM
A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved. - Kurt Vonnegut (The Sirens of Titan)

If you're going through Hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

06-22-2009, 04:20 PM
"I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down." -- Limp Biskit

"Not all who wander are lost." -- J.R.R. Tolkein

"Through the too many miles and the too little smiles, I still remember you." -- Harry Chapin

"No straight lines make up my life and all my roads have bends; there's no clear cut beginnings -- and so far no dead ends." -- Harry Chapin

"I don't know anyone who is without love. I don't know if you can live without it. We don't see it. We just count on its being there." -- Maya Angelo (I think)

"Crying is what we do before we are broken." -- from A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice

"True strength is rarely recognized and, as such, passes utterly unnoticed." no clue

"I could hate and live in shadow or forgive and live my life in peace." -- I don't remember her name, but it's the response a Holocaust survivor gave when someone asked her whether she forgave the soldiers that ran the camp she was at (and, I believe, killed some, if not all, of her family)

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." -- from Me and Bobby McGee made most popular by Janis Joplin

"Anyone can write but it takes brilliance to bring life to the pages." -- no clue

"A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same." -- Ninny Threadgoode in Fried Green Tomatoes

and, just because it makes me laugh,

“Why? What’s the worst he can do? Jump up and down screaming ‘Kill him! Kill him!’?” -- from The Nekkid Quidditch Match (http://www.nodignity.com/freaks/nqm/nqm1.html), one of the absolute funniest things I've ever read. If you at ALL like Harry Potter and need a laugh? Go read it.

Is it obvious I'm a quote junkie? My "quote file" on my computer is 50 pages of 8 point type with .5 margins. I collect quotes (and yes, I have many Gravekeeper quotes in my quote file).

06-22-2009, 04:21 PM
"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ---Anonymous

Man may penetrate the outer reaches of the universe, he may solve the very secret of eternity itself but for me, the ultimate human experience is to witness the flawless execution of the hit-and-run. --Branch Rickey

"The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." --Branch Rickey (I think)

"With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them." - Art Hill, "I Don't Care if I Never Come Back"

06-22-2009, 04:45 PM
I love quotes, I am also a collector. Here is one of my faves.

This one is very very long, more like an essay (or in this format a poem) but I love it

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
entitled Desiderata

06-22-2009, 11:04 PM
I'll start with the complete quote from my sig:
I love my dog. I love all my dogs. Every dog I ever had, I still love ‘em. And in my life, believe me, I have had me a bunch of god-damn dogs. Because you keep on gettin’ a new one, don’t ya? It’s true. As life goes on, you keep gettin’ one new dog after another. That’s the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs. –George Carlin

Morality, it could be argued, represents the way that people would like the world to work – whereas economics represents how it actually does work. –Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner, Freakonomics

We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that. –George Carlin

Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of people are really good at it. –George Carlin

Nice to see that the human race has advanced to the point of using robots to poke things with a stick.
–(I don't remember where I got that one but it's been on my bulletin board in my cube for a while.)

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. –George Carlin

Does God really have to watch all this shit? –George Carlin

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. –George Carlin

(Most of these are from last year's Carlin calendar; I had a bunch that I saved in my cube at work. I have tons more quotes somewhere on my computer. I'll have to find the file. I'll be back, I'm sure. :p)

06-23-2009, 12:08 AM
Percy Byshe Shelley's "Ode to the West Wind":

"I fall upon the thorns of life, I bleed!"

Kinky Friedman, When the Cat's Away:

"Winnie Katz's lesbian dance class is like God. Mankind knows it's there, but they've rarely seen it. Moses saw God. In the form of a burning bush interestingly enough. Then he took two tablets and went to bed."

From the movie, Start the Revolution Without Me:

Gene Wilder: "Meet me and the church, and don't forget to bring the rawhide and honey."

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, A Scandal in Bohemia:

"To Sherlock Holmes, she would always be The Woman."

06-23-2009, 12:41 AM
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin

"Sex is like a sport. Racquetball, in fact. You play hard for 30 minutes, work up a sweat and hope you don't get hit in the eye." - Dr. Cox on Scrubs

"I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

"You can't look dignified when you're having fun." Wes Janson in the book Solo Command

Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 12:49 AM
Rorschach's Journal. October 12th, 1985:

Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "save us!"...

...and I'll look down and whisper "no."Rorschach's Journal. October 16th, 1985:

...Heard joke once:

Man goes to Doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel.

Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. Says "But, Doctor...

...I am Pagliacci."

Good joke. Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.

Curtains.From Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. :cool:

06-23-2009, 12:55 AM
From Stargate: SG1, Episode 2, Season 1:

Teal'C: "What is an Oprah?"

Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 01:03 AM
Again from Watchmen...

Rorschach (to prison inmates): "None of you seem to understand. I'm not locked in here with you... you're locked in here with ME!"


06-23-2009, 01:05 AM
Oh fun thread!

"We were on the roof of America, and all we could do was yell." - Kerouac

"And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow
With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go
Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain
And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.
Rise again, rise again - though your heart it be broken
Or life about to end.
No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend,
Like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again." -Stan Rogers 'The Mary Ellen Carter'

"You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you." Walt Whitman

"42" D.N.A

I have more.....I'll have to remember them

06-23-2009, 01:12 AM
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. –Jerry Seinfeld

You can’t have everything; where would you put it? –Steven Wright

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it. –Jonathan Winters

I'm liberal on some issues and conservative on others. For example, I would not burn a flag, but neither would I put one out. -Garry Shandling

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. –Rita Rudner

Do unto others, then run. –Benny Hill

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. –Steven Wright

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. –Douglas Adams

Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ. –Sandra Bernhard

I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedburg

Congress wants to require television manufacturers to install a V-chip, which would keep children from viewing violent or explicit programming. The chip would cost about five-hundred dollars and would replace the current free-of-charge device known as the on-off switch. –Dennis Miller

Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of eighty-three. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace until some nosy anthropologist digs her up. –Norm McDonald

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. –Matt Groening

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t love heterosexuals; it’s just that they need more supervision. –Lynn Lavner

The thing about life that no one can believe is that what we’re doing is actually it. When you’re a kid, you look forward to it. You’re seriously concerned when you’re a kid that you might not be able to take the excitement of being an adult, of driving around and people calling on the phone and getting mail addressed directly to you. Now, it’s like: “You drive; tell ‘em I’m not here; and I can’t believe all this junk mail!” –Jerry Seinfeld

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard. –Johnny Carson

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job. -Douglas Adams

Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 01:21 AM
And now, the wisdom of the Late, Great Douglas Adams...

These are from the beginning of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe...There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.:lol:The story so far:

In the beginning the Universe was created.

This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.:roll:

06-23-2009, 01:24 AM

"Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now. " - Elwood Blues

Elwood - "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. "
Jake - "Hit it!"

"I've never been able to get the hang of Thursdays" - Douglas Adams

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - A. Einstein


Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 01:31 AM
Here's another of my many personal favorites...Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole, it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.

And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terrible, stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not her story.

But it is the story of that terrible, stupid catastrophe and some of its consequences.

It is also the story of a book, a book called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...From the opening chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by the Late, Great Douglas Adams! :D

06-23-2009, 01:37 AM
More DNA goodness:

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

Okay....that is enough Adams from me :)

Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 02:36 AM
Time to change direction for a bit...

From the über-classic G.I.*Joe: A Real American Hero issue # 27... "Snake-Eyes: The Origin, Part II"...

Hawk (referring to Snake-Eyes' pet wolf, Timber): "He's going to leave that poor animal behind all by itself?"

Stalker: "Hawk, that 'poor animal' is a wolf. He don't need no walkies and he thinks Alpo's for sissies."


06-23-2009, 02:38 AM
~ Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.- Gandhi

~How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards. - Spanish Proverb

~Remember some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.- Lez Barker

06-23-2009, 02:58 AM
"Outside a book, dog is man's best friend... inside a dog its too dark to read" Marx

06-23-2009, 05:17 AM
You cannot achieve success without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail...man, you have a chance to succeed! But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes half the fun is failing--learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning and saying, "Okay, watch out, here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday. And now I'm just a little more dangerous."
--Paul Heyman (Founder of ECW)

Of what use is freedom of speech to those who fear to offend?
--Roger Ebert

Remember...it's just a ride.
--Bill Hicks

Jack T. Chance
06-23-2009, 05:39 AM
"And now 'Deep Thoughts', by Jack Handey"... I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, acting like they just woke up and going, "What was THAT?!"
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-down warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If aliens took over the world I hope that they would make people their pets so I could sleep in one of those little dog beds...
If you ever drop your keys in a stream of molten lava, let them go, because man, they're gone.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.:roll:

What? I have a VERY demented sense of humor! You all should know this by now!! :p

06-23-2009, 08:53 PM
"I had two big accidents in my life Diego, the trolley and you... You are by far the worse."-Frida(Salma Hayek) to Diego(Alfred Molina) in the movie Frida-by far the meanest line in movie history.

...But why is the Rum gone?!"-Capt. Jack Sparrow

Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is... 42.

06-23-2009, 09:55 PM
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

:p woof....

06-23-2009, 11:33 PM
how could I forget this one:

“Getting to the top is optional, but getting down is mandatory. A lot of people get focused on the summit and forget that.”

-Ed Viesturs

06-24-2009, 12:34 PM
here's one i forgot before

...there’s been some wins - the (Radio Series, Book, TV series and Movie) HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY promised us a massive Electronic Enclopedia that was quote: "full of ommisions, apocraphal and highly inaccurate at best”. If you’ve got a better description of wikipedia, i'd like to hear it.
- Marc The Film Guy, Triple J

06-24-2009, 01:17 PM
"Life's a journey, not a destination." --Aerosmith.

"Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans." --John Lennon.

"Simon says go fuck yourself." --George Carlin.

"Tonight's forecast: dark. Continued mostly dark thoughout the evening, breaking to widely scattered light in the morning." --George Carlin.

"Tonight's forecast: beer. Continued mostly beer throughout the evening, breaking to widely scattered hangovers in the morning." --Me. (Yes, I have said that many times at the beginning of an evening, or the end of a work shift.)

"And the bombs and the devil, and the kids keep coming. No way to breathe easy, no time to be young." --Heart.

"Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy. She'll beat you if she's able. You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet." --The Eagles.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." --The Rolling Stones.

"I remember throwin' punches around and preachin' from my chair." --The Who.

"You're good looking, but in a goofy way." --my friend Cat to me many years ago.

"I'd love to find a girl who looks just like you, but with a completely different personality." --me to my friend Cat, in a completely separate conversation. Amusingly, both of us took the above comments as the compliments they were intended to be.

"You're best isn't good enough!" --from Mr. Holland's Opus, several characters.

06-24-2009, 07:26 PM
Good morning, Universe. Looking good. I see the sun came up today as well. Big thumbs up on that one, great idea. I'll get out of bed then.- Neil Gaiman (A few hours ago on Twitter)

06-25-2009, 01:04 AM
"And now, your extended foreceast...fffffoooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeccc ccaaaaaaaaaasssssssst"

(I have to find my lil book....I kept it for a few yrs i school....many quotes)

06-25-2009, 04:04 AM
This may not be an exact quote, but that is because I just heard it about 20 minutes ago on Real Time with Bill Maher.

"I'm Catholic. We were taught that sex is a filthy, dirty, vile thing...that you save for the person you truly love." --Paul Begala.

06-25-2009, 04:06 AM
Thanks to Jester I decided to add some of my favorite friend quotes. But only the ones that make sense without an explanation. My friend quotes get a separate journal from my famous people quote book. Because my friends like reading the friend quotes.

~It's one of those events that could ruin you. And if it ruined me, I didn't notice.- My brother Stan (I think this is one of the best things I've ever heard anyone say in my life)

~You are weird and sentimental. Emphasis on the Mental- My friend Keri

~But then the star would explode. And in physics, explosions are bad.- Dr. Zukoskas my astronomy professor

~Everyone is a whore. You just need the right adjective.- My friend Krissy

Jack T. Chance
06-25-2009, 07:14 AM
And now it's time for a couple of my favorite quotes from the Longest Running Science Fiction Series in the History of Television... Doctor Who :D

The 7th Doctor (Sylvester McCoy): "Goodbye Davros. It hasn't been pleasant."

--From "Remembrance of the Daleks"


Ace: "Professor? We did good, didn't we?"

The 7th Doctor: "Perhaps. Time will tell... It always does."

--Also from "Remembrance of the Daleks"


The 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston): "You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. That maybe you survive."

--From "The End of the World" ................................

06-25-2009, 02:48 PM
Ghostbusters (1 and 2)

"I collect spores, molds and fungus."

"Well that wasn't such a chore now was it?"

"I don't have to take this abuse from you. I got hundreds of people dying to abuse me."

"No job is too big, no fee is too big!"

"We're going about this all wrong. This Mr. Staypuft is all right, he's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble!"

"Ungrateful little yuppie larva."

"We had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."

"Have you been out on the streets lately? Do you know how weird it is out there?"

Lace Neil Singer
06-25-2009, 04:44 PM
Red Dwarf; if anyone is as big a geek as me and feels like labeling these quotes by series and episode, feel free. XD

Rimmer: Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?

Kryten: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard."

Rimmer: You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.

Cat: He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.

Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have done.
Lister: Encore!

Rimmer: Oh ha, ha!
Lister: Rimmer, people who say 'ha, ha' have no sense of humour, they can't think of a witty retort.
Rimmer: (pause) Oh ha, ha!

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.

Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

Lister: What's it feel like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

06-25-2009, 05:57 PM
"All of this was for nothing, unless we go to the stars." - Commander Jeffrey Sinclair, "Babylon 5"

"A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles." - Kosh, "Babylon 5"

"We've lived too long, seen too much. To live on, as we have, is to leave behind joy, love, and companionship because we know it to be transitory, of the moment. We know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can believe that love is eternal. [pause] You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift your race has ever received." - Lorien (alien) to Ivanova (human), "Babylon 5"

"The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements. Energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." - G'Kar, "Babylon 5"

"We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out." - Delenn, "Babylon 5"

I could do B5 quotes all day. But I'll end with a funny one:

"Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life... probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry." - Zathras, "Babylon 5"

06-26-2009, 02:02 AM
We're doing friend quotes too? Oh fun!

"Psychotic killers don't kill people........oh wait -- yes they do!" -- my little sister Emily

"Oh, come on. I want them in a Disney mood, not dead from insulin shock..." -- my best friend Lucy

"Thus, i'faith, I am always head over heels for one reason or another." -- Lucy, again, after explaining why she doesn't understand the term "head over heels" in character at the Renn Fest. If you'd like the whole spiel, I'll post it. It's a great little monologue

“I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny.” -- I'm sure it came from somewhere, but Lucy and I always say it

"Caterpillars, for reasons unknown to man, occasionally get this bizarre urge to 1) parachute without parachutes, 2) imitate rain, 3) commit suicide. They're either insane, studying zen buddhism, or in need of caterpillar prozac." -- found on a blog and I always loved it

"I have an involuntary scream reflex around them, and I do a very good, "DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"" -- Emily again

"Let me know if you figure out whether or not it's a good idea." -- the Hubby many many years ago

"Honey, he’s a psychopathic killer. Of course he’s crazy." -- me. WAY too long of a story to explain

06-26-2009, 02:12 AM
Well, if we're quoting our friends:

Happiness is a warm Chihuahua.

- My friend Harvey, texted to me a few years ago while we were sitting next to each other in a booth at the bar after work. I was upset over something or other, and were having a conversation via text so the others wouldn't hear. I still have this text in my phone. :)

Jack T. Chance
06-26-2009, 03:08 AM
Well, since we're doing Babylon 5 quotes, now...

"You do not understand. But... you will."
--Ambassador Kosh, being cryptic, as always

"A Vorlon once said that understanding is a 3-edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth."
--Captain Sheridan

"It ended the way all love ends... badly."
--Ambassador Londo Mollari, referring to an old love affair


06-26-2009, 12:22 PM
"A Vorlon once said that understanding is a 3-edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth."
--Not sure who said it

Captain Sheridan. I could find the episode if I wanted to take a few minutes. :lol:

Here's another one from B5:

"My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance." - Londo Mollari (if you don't get what he's talking about, I can explain...)

06-26-2009, 03:49 PM
Red Dwarf; if anyone is as big a geek as me and feels like labeling these quotes by series and episode, feel free. XD

Rimmer: Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?

Seaon 2 Episode 5, Queeg (When his Holo is wonky and his body splits in tow

Kryten: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard."

Season 4, Episode 4 (White Hole), in response to Space Corp Directive 195 (Where a holographic crew member must sacrifice themselves

Rimmer: You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.

Season 2 Episode 5 Queeg (again, and it's Holly that rimmer is reffering to

Cat: He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.

Season 7, Episode 5, Blue

Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have done.
Lister: Encore!

Season 2, Episode 1, Kryten, in response to Rimmer Bossing Kryten around

Rimmer: Oh ha, ha!
Lister: Rimmer, people who say 'ha, ha' have no sense of humour, they can't think of a witty retort.
Rimmer: (pause) Oh ha, ha!

Season 7, episode 3 ,Ouroboros

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Season 6, Episode 5, Rimmer World.

Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.

Season 2 Episode 2 ,Better than Life

Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

Season 3, Episode 6, The Last Day

Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

Season 5 Episode 4, Quarantine

Lister: What's it feel like?
Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

Seaon 1 Episode 1, The End.

Do I Win? :lol:

El Pollo Guerrera
06-26-2009, 07:48 PM
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is not try." --Yoda, "The Empire Strikes Back.

I love answering/interrupting this quote with the one that Jay says when Silent Bob says the Yoda quote in "Chasing Amy"...

"Knock that s*** off!"

“Naturally the common people don't want war.... That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along.... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” --Hermann Goering.

"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." --Jon Stewart, hosting the Peabody Awards

"Life's a journey, not a destination." --Aerosmith.

"Perfection is a path, not a destination." - Chiun (Joel Gray), from the movie "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins".

06-26-2009, 08:37 PM
"Practice, practice practice, and once you think you are good practice more." - Forget the Athletes name :)

"Poor practice produces poor performance." - My JROTC Drill Instructor Major John Gardiner - otherwise unknown to me

"Screw all this civilized negotiating just blow them up" - Alien commander in Project A-ko.

"Ran: While she may be a dimwit, she is a pure hearted dimwit for justice.
Meow: Wait was that a compliment or an insult?
Ran: It was a very sloppy compliment" - Tsukikage Ran

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke

"All it took was a simple physics question: Show proof that cold fusion is not possible" - From an episode of outer limits, the psycho villain made a cold fusion bomb and was explaining how he figured it out.

"One light year is about 5878630000000 miles, the nearest star other than the Sun is just over 4 light years away. There are stars we have observed that are many times farther away than this. If we are in fact all alone this is an awful waste of space." - My astronomy professor's modification of a quote from the movie Contact

I have more but this should be good for now

Jack T. Chance
06-27-2009, 02:29 AM
More really great Doctor Who quotes...

The 7th Doctor: "Think about me when you're living your life one day after another, all in a neat pattern. Think about the homeless traveler in his old police box, his days like crazy paving."

--From "Dragonfire"


The 7th Doctor: "I can't stand burnt toast. I loathe bus stations. Terrible places, full of lost luggage and lost souls... and then there's unrequited love, and tyranny, and cruelty."

--On the subject of things he doesn't like, from "Ghost Light"


The 7th Doctor: "There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, the sea's asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, somewhere else the tea's getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got work to do."

--The final lines spoken by the Doctor in the Original Series, from "Survival"


River Song: "When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it will never end. But however hard you try... you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepted. Everybody knows that everybody dies... but not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call... everybody lives."

--From "Forest of the Dead"


Tim Latimer: "He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and can see the turn of the universe. And... he's wonderful."

--Sharing his thoughts about the Doctor, from "The Family of Blood"


06-27-2009, 07:38 AM
see my signiture lines

06-28-2009, 06:47 AM
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw - One of the Heathers

06-28-2009, 02:09 PM
Go, Lemmings, GO! -debatable, possibly Spider Robinson

By the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man--man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no enemy to help him. -Lazarus Long and/or Robert Heinlein

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects! -I think this is my favorite of all the sayings from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, again Robert Heinlein.

06-29-2009, 09:54 AM
"Of course there is a sillicon heaven. otherwise where would all the dead calculators go?" - Kryten, Red Dwarf

And some assorted Jasper Fforde quotes:

"Good. Item seven. The had had and that that problem. Lady Cavendish, weren’t you working on this?’
Lady Cavendish stood up and gathered her thoughts. ‘Indeed. The uses of had had and that that have to be strictly controlled; they can interrupt the imaginotransference quite dramatically, causing readers to go back over the sentence in confusion, something we try to avoid.’
‘Go on.’
‘It’s mostly an unlicensed-usage problem. At the last count David Copperfield alone had had had had sixty three times, all but ten unapproved. Pilgrim’s Progress may also be a problem due to its had had/that that ratio.’
“So what’s the problem in Progress?’
‘That that had that that ten times but had had had had only thrice. Increased had had usage had had to be overlooked, but not if the number exceeds that that that usage.’
‘Hmm,’ said the Bellman, ‘I thought had had had had TGC’s approval for use in Dickens? What’s the problem?’
‘Take the first had had and that that in the book by way of example,’ said Lady Cavendish. ‘You would have thought that that first had had had had good occasion to be seen as had, had you not? Had had had approval but had had had not; equally it is true to say that that that that had had approval but that that other that that had not.’
‘So the problem with that other that that was that…?’
‘That that other-other that that had had approval.’
‘Okay’ said the Bellman, whose head was in danger of falling apart like a chocolate orange, ‘let me get this straight: David Copperfield, unlike Pilgrim’s Progress, had had had, had had had had. Had had had had TGC’s approval?’
There was a very long pause. ‘Right,’ said the Bellman with a sigh, ‘that’s it for the moment. I’ll be giving out assignments in ten minutes. Session’s over –and let’s be careful out there.'"

"Goodness is weakness, pleasantness is poisonous, serenity is mediocrity and kindness is for losers. The best reason for committing loathsome and detestable acts – and let’s face it, I am considered something of an expert in this field – is purely for their own sake. Monetary gain is all very well, but it dilutes the taste of wickedness to a lower level that is obtainable by almost anyone with an overdeveloped sense of avarice. True and baseless evil is as rare as the purest good –"

"I'm not mad. I'm just differently moralled that's all."

Jack T. Chance
07-06-2009, 10:27 PM
And yet more Doctor Who quotes! ;)

Group-Captain Gilmore: "Nothing even remotely human could have survived that."

The 7th Doctor: "That's exactly the point Group-Captain. It's not even remotely human!"

Group-Captain Gilmore: "What am I dealing with? Little green men?"

The 7th Doctor: "No, little green blobs in bonded polycarbide armor."

--From "Remembrance of the Daleks"


The 7th Doctor (talking to a human): "You know, your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception, matched only by its ingenuity in trying to destroy itself."

--From "Remembrance of the Daleks"

Jack T. Chance
07-08-2009, 01:41 AM
One of the Best Things Anybody Ever Said:

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."



07-08-2009, 08:24 PM
My all-time favorite, which I use often:

"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".

"Poor practice produces poor performance." - My JROTC Drill Instructor Major John Gardiner - otherwise unknown to me

I use a variant of this fairly often also, I call it the "Seven 'P' Rule" and it goes like this:


07-09-2009, 11:24 PM
Came across this one this morning:

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.
– H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: Second Series, 1920

There's a fine line between an admiring glance, and the piercing stare of a psychopath
– "Some comic", as quoted by garth1 in this post (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=589988&postcount=8)
I tried to google the quote to find out who said it, and all I got was the thread it came from :p

I'm tired...
-Blazing Saddles

To speak the plain truth it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
-Blazing Saddles

Jack T. Chance
07-10-2009, 02:06 AM
Another Doctor Who quote that I just remembered...

The 4th Doctor: "I say, what a wonderful butler. He's so violent!"

--From "City of Death", which featured rewrites by the immortal Douglas Adams! :D

07-10-2009, 02:25 AM
"And don't call me Shirley."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- A. Einstein


07-10-2009, 05:17 AM
"Only two things in life are certain: Death and Taxes." - Joe Black

"Darmok and Jelad at Tenagra." Episode: Darmok ST:TNG

"Aww, I wanted to be ginger. I've never been ginger. And you, Rose Tyler, fat lot of good you were. You gave up on me. Ooh, that was rude. Is that the kind of man I am now? Am I rude? Rude and not ginger? " 10th Doctor (David Tennant) The Christmas Invasion

"Everyone wants control; control of power, resources, people. People will do anything for it. We kill to control." myself, written in a story i've long since lost lol

and something funny:

"Ahh... I don't feel right. I feel like I'm leaking." Kirk, Star Trek XI (Chris Pine)

"Flik: Here, pretend - pretend that that's a seed.
Dot: It's a rock.
Flik: Oh, I know it's a rock, I know. But let's just pretend for a minute that it's a seed, alright? We'll just use our imaginations. Now, now do you see our tree? Everything that made that giant tree is already contained inside this tiny little seed. All it needs is some time, a little bit of sunshine and rain, and voilá!
Dot: This rock will be a tree?
Flik: Seed to tree. You've gotta work with me, here. Alright? Okay. Now, y-you might not feel like you can do much now, but that's just because, well, you're not a tree yet. You just have to give yourself some time. You're still a seed.
Dot: But it's a rock.
Flik: [shouting] I know it's a rock! Don't you think I know a rock when I see a rock? I've spent a lot of time around rocks!
Dot: You're weird, but I like you." A Bug's Life

07-10-2009, 07:26 AM
"Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a look, but you can't do that sort of thing to Jeeves. He is look-proof."

My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse

07-10-2009, 10:50 PM
The hand that stocks the drug stores rules the world.
– Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Cradle

Sad, but true.

Jack T. Chance
07-11-2009, 12:11 AM
"Show me a man that TRULY understands women, and I'll show you a man that's about to go under the knife to BECOME ONE."

--Me http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v148/JackTChance/Smilies/HitchhikerSmilie.gif

07-13-2009, 09:24 PM
"Show me a man that TRULY understands women, and I'll show you a man that's about to go under the knife to BECOME ONE."


I don't know if I'd necessarily agree with that. In my experience, even women don't understand other women.

Now for some quotes from Mark Twain. (I have not checked to make sure these are correctly attributed, but they're great anyway.)

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
Mark Twain

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
Mark Twain

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Mark Twain

Jack T. Chance
07-16-2009, 03:22 AM
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the disclaimer!
That's right, the disclaimer.

This American apple pie institution known as parental discretion will cleanse any sense of innuendo or sarcasm from the lyrics, which might actually make you think, and will also insult your intelligence at the same time!

So, protect your family!
This album contains explicit depictions of things which are real.
These real things are commonly known as life.
So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously.
If it sounds dangerous, do not try this at home or at all.
And if it offends you, just don't listen to it!

--"Disclaimer" (http://youtu.be/_yCAsGHuk3c) by The Offspring

07-16-2009, 03:35 AM
"I like to beat my meat when it's this thick."
--Paula Deen

"Most people wouldn't know good music if it came up and bit them on the ass."
--Frank Zappa

Jack T. Chance
07-16-2009, 05:03 AM
I don't know if I'd necessarily agree with that. In my experience, even women don't understand other women."Show me a man who says he understands women, and I'll show you a god-damned liar!"

--My friend Brian! :lol:

07-16-2009, 11:09 PM
I always mean to start reading a Dean Koontz book, but by the time I actually get it home from the bookstore he's written sixteen more of them, and the thought of trying to catch up is so exhausting I need to take a bunch of codeine and have a nap.

- poster "Murasaki" from this thread (http://fray.slate.com/discuss/forums/thread/3004080.aspx?ArticleID=2222828) on Slate (http://www.slate.com).

07-17-2009, 08:11 PM
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Hamlet, Act 1, Scene v

07-19-2009, 03:12 AM
When a cat adopts you there is nothing to be done about it except to put up with it until the wind changes.
– T.S. Eliot

Jack T. Chance
07-21-2009, 06:28 PM
"To be, or not to be? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.

To die – to sleep – no more… and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks the flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die – to sleep. To sleep – perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil (http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/319800.html) must give us pause.

There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/contumely), the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/quietus) make with a bare bodkin (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bodkin)? Who would these fardels (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fardels) bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life?

But that the dread of something after death – that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns – puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to those we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all. And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought. And enterprises of great pith (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pith) and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action."

--Hamlet's contemplation of committing suicide, from Hamlet by William Shakespeare.

Lace Neil Singer
07-22-2009, 12:45 PM
Various Sonic X quotes, cuz I have no life. XD

Rouge: What are you babbling about? You call yourself a hunter? Attacking a lady? Shame on you.
Knuckles: What kind of lady goes around stealing gems anyway?

Knuckles: You're late, slow-poke.
Sonic: Yeah, well, I stopped to admire the scenery. This planet is pretty cool. You'd like this place too if you weren't such a party pooper.
Knuckles: Enough talk. Let's go.

Eggman: You're pretty persistent for a hedgehog, aren't you? You're still alive, huh?
Sonic: Letting Knuckles pilot the shuttle over here was more dangerous than you'll ever be.

07-22-2009, 02:40 PM
Some George Carlin that I came across while cleaning off my desk:

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

When will the rhetorical questions all end?

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.

I'm starting to get more compassionate. I gotta watch that.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.

I wonder if a classical music composer ever intentionally composed a piano piece that was physically impossible to play, and then stuck it away in a trunk to be found years after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy.

Suggested bumper sticker:
We Are The Proud Parents of a Child Whose Self-Esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn't Need Us Advertising His Minor Scholastic Achievements on the Bumper of Our Car

Lace Neil Singer
07-22-2009, 10:47 PM
Rejected Celebration Cards.

Congratulations on your wedding... I can't believe you had the nerve to wear white!

Congratulations on the new baby... have you found out who the father is yet?

Congratulations on passing your driving test... was the instructor good in bed?

07-22-2009, 11:16 PM
A pentagon is round... for sufficiently large values of five - Rick Cook

07-25-2009, 10:54 PM
Two favorite quotes from one of my favorite miniseries (Centennial, based on the novel by James A. Michener) that have stayed stuck in my head for nearly 30 years now:

"Only the rocks live forever" - Lame Beaver

"It isn't Centennial. It's just . . . just the times. But you can't choose the times you live in. You can only try changing them a little bit." - Levi Zendt

Another one I use is:

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump

And I'll add more as I can recall them.:D

07-26-2009, 05:23 PM
I'd like to carry my lucky rabbit's foot around all the time, but it's still attached to my lucky rabbit.

-somebody's sig on EtiquetteHell.com

07-27-2009, 12:26 AM
Elwood Blues: You may go if you wish. But remember this: walk away now and you walk away from your crafts, your skills, your vocations; leaving the next generation with nothing but recycled, digitally-sampled techno-grooves, quasi-synth rhythms, pseudo-songs of violence-laden gangsta-rap, acid pop, and simpering, saccharine, soulless slush. Depart now and you forever separate yourselves from the vital American legacies of Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Willie Dixon, Jimmy Reed, Memphis Slim, Blind Boy Fuller, Louie Jordon, Little Walter, Big Walter, Sonnyboy Williamson I and II, Otis Redding, Jackie Wilson, Elvis Presley, Lieber and Stoller, and Robert K. Weiss.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: Who is Robert K. Weiss?
[the rest of the band shrug]
Elwood Blues: Turn your backs now and you snuff out the fragile candles of Blues, R&B and Soul, and when those flames flicker and expire, the light of the world is extinguished because the music which has moved mankind through seven decades leading to the millennium will whither and die on the vine of abandonment and neglect.

--Blues Brothers 2000

(And, IMHO, the only reason to watch Blues Brothers 2000 - the rest of the enjoyment can be gained simply from listening to the soundtrack.)

07-30-2009, 11:02 PM
Found on a message board somewhere I forget, not sure who to attribute it to (my Google-fu is weak today but it did find me this page (http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Grammar_Nazi)):

English is a sloppy, schizophrenic whore of a language and we will use her as we like. Grammarian authority is one “[up with which we should not put.]“

07-31-2009, 07:38 PM
"For me socks are like sex: tons of it about, and I never seem to get any." ~ Hugh Laurie, Blackadder the Third

Jack T. Chance
07-31-2009, 09:30 PM
Captain Jack Harkness: "I've lived so many lives. It's time I found another one."

--From the final scene of Torchwood: Children of Earth


Gwen Cooper: "There's one thing I always meant to ask Jack. Back in the old days. I wanted to know about that Doctor of his. The man who appears out of nowhere and saves the world. Except sometimes he doesn't. All those times in history when there was no sign of him, I wanted to know why not. But I don't need to ask anymore. I know the answer now. Sometimes the Doctor must look at this planet and turn away in shame."

--From Torchwood: Children of Earth, "Day Five"

Jack T. Chance
08-04-2009, 07:35 PM
Spotted on a bumper sticker once...

"Sex is like air:

You never notice it until you aren't getting any!"



Vincent (Ethan Hawke): "They have got you looking so hard for any flaw, that after awhile, that's all you see."

--From Gattaca (my personal pick for Best Science Fiction Movie of the 1990s!)

08-04-2009, 11:17 PM
If you want to act like you know something, at least make an effort to know something.

Came across sometime last week, can't remember where.

08-07-2009, 01:37 AM
"The end of the world will come not with a BANG but with a whisper" _Source unknown-

"Only Fools Fear Great Failure, It's the small losses that break a man down" -cant find where I found this one... I believe it was in my great big book of quotes.

"When Life gives you lemons.... make GRAPE JUICE! then sit back and let the world wonder what the FUCK you just did!" _My Lovely "Takayla"

Jack T. Chance
08-09-2009, 01:27 AM
Reinette Poisson (AKA Madame Du Pompadour): "One may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel."

--From Doctor Who, "The Girl in the Fireplace"


James Bond (Daniel Craig): [To Le Chiffre, laughing - after being struck five times with a knotted rope] "Now the whole world's gonna know that you died scratching my balls!"

--From Casino Royale

08-14-2009, 02:14 AM
The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms.
How nice -- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

...this is assuming your intelligence quotient is in excess of the temperature in your fridge.

-poster "schuylercat" on The Fray at slate.com

Jack T. Chance
08-22-2009, 05:09 AM
Dr. Manhattan: "We're all puppets, Laurie. I'm just a puppet who can see the strings."

--From Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons

cinema guy
08-24-2009, 12:04 AM

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

"I came to Casablanca for the waters."
"The waters, what waters? We're in the desert."
"I was misinformed."

"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

To Have and Have Not

Lauren Bacall: "You know how to whistle don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow."

Lauren Bacall: "Giver her my love."
Bogie, looking at Bacall's slinky dress: "I'd give her my own if she was wearing that."

Babylon 5:
"I am Susan Ivanova, Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, goddammit! I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me. "

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

08-28-2009, 01:53 AM
Anger is a gift.

-Zack de la Rocha (former lead singer of Rage Against the Machine)

Jack T. Chance
09-01-2009, 10:39 PM
"To this world I'm unimportant,
just because I have nothing to give
So you call this 'Your Free Country',
tell me why it costs so much to live"

--From "Duck and Run" by 3 Doors Down

Lace Neil Singer
09-04-2009, 11:34 AM
Love is a disease invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn. - Rimmer (Red Dwarf)

Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to the days of cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner. - Blackadder

Sometimes human places, create inhuman monsters. - The Shining

09-04-2009, 11:50 PM
We came to wreck everything, and ruin your life. God sent us.
Romper Stomper

09-09-2009, 07:40 AM
"After more than 2000 years I can still be surprised. In this I see god." - Godric from the HBO show Trueblood.

09-09-2009, 07:20 PM
"Who knows we may all get to Heaven and be staring at a giant Budha screaming 'oh shit'"

"We know there's a Hell because Jesus said there's one, but he never said anyone was in it"

Quote from "The Waiter" www.waiterrant.net

09-22-2009, 09:31 AM
All from Dog Soldiers (excellent movie)

"I'm not about to break radio silence cos you lot got spooked by a dead flying fucking cow!"

"Little Pigs, little pigs we've come to nick your video"

Sergeant Harry Wells: My guts are out Coop!
Cooper: We'll just put 'em back in then!
Sergeant Harry Wells: They're not gonna fucking fit!
Cooper: Of course they'll fit, man!

Wells: If we do happen to make contact, I expect nothing less than gratuitous violence from the lot of ya. Because we're firing blanks doesn't mean we have to be thinking nice thoughts. So you remember, you keep the fire down, right, you get stuck in and you kick their fucking teeth out, or I guarantee you, Joe, they will be eating your bollocks for breakfast, sunshine.
Terry: Hard-boiled or fried, Sarge?
Wells: Scrambled.

"We are now up against live, hostile targets. So, if Little Red Riding Hood should show up with a bazooka and a bad attitude, I expect you to chin the bitch. "

"Then we get some of them. Its a shit load better than none of them and a marked improvement on all of us. "

"Spoon: So this bloke walks into a pub right, with a little dog under his arm. Puts it down on the bar, goes and sits down. The bar-tender's lookin' at him thinking "what the fuckin' hell's goin' on here?". Then he looks back at the dog, and to his surprise the dog turns around and...
[Dead cow drops into camp]
Cooper: Fuckin' cow.
Spoon: Fuckin' hell.
[Terry fires at it]
Wells: Cease fire, Terry. Cease fire.
Joe: Terry, what the hell are you doin'? You're firing blanks man.
Wells: Is everyone all right? Is everyone OK?
Spoon: Nah, man, I think I've shit meself. "

Hell 90% of that movie makes excellent quotes.

Jack T. Chance
10-01-2009, 07:51 PM
Captain Jack Harkness: Okay, this can function as a sonic blaster, a sonic cannon, and a triple-fold sonic disruptor. Doc, what you got?
The Doctor: I've got a sonic, er, never mind.
Captain Jack Harkness: What?
The Doctor: It's sonic, okay, let's leave it at that.
Captain Jack Harkness: Disruptor? Cannon? What?
The Doctor: It's sonic, totally sonic. I am soniced up!
Captain Jack Harkness: A sonic what?
The Doctor: Screwdriver!
Captain Jack Harkness: Who has a sonic screwdriver?
The Doctor: I do!
Captain Jack Harkness: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, "Ooh, this could be a little more sonic"?
The Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of cabinets to put up?

--From Doctor Who, "The Doctor Dances" :D

Ironclad Alibi
10-04-2009, 01:48 AM
“I don’t have to be petty, Mr. Godot, the universe does that for me.” – The Prime Mover to Buck Godot in The Gallimaufry (http://www.airshipentertainment.com/buckcomic.php?date=20081206) by Phil Foglio.

“The sun shines on anyone that's got enough sense to get out in it.” – Dave Gardner

“Isn’t being born again somehow saying that God didn’t get you right the first time?” Beauty in Beauty by Sherri Tepper.

“You're a man haunted by those two most terrible words, What If?” – Über-Morlock in The Time Machine (2002).

“Kill them all, God will know his own.” – Arnold of Citeaux, Papal Legate at the siege of Béziers, 1209, in the Albigensian Crusade.

“The only good I can see in a demonstration of the truth of ‘Spiritualism’ is to furnish an additional argument against suicide. Better live a crossing-sweeper than die and be made to talk twaddle by a ‘medium’ hired at a guinea a séance.” T. H. Huxley in a letter to the London Dialectical Society on 29 January 1869.

“And those who burn the candle at both ends can always work in an extra piece.” – From Dear Abby.

“He’s an engineer. He may not be right, but he’s never wrong.” – My wife about me.

“Modern deities for modern times.” – Me about my belief in the Parking Gods.

“I’m available, never free.” – Buck Godot in Buck Godot Zap Gun For Hire by Phil Foglio.

“If it ain't broke, don’t fix it.” – Engineering axiom.

“If it works, it’s right.” – Engineering axiom.

“Necessity may have been the mother of invention, but laziness was the father.” – Me.

Lace Neil Singer
10-05-2009, 06:23 PM
Rimmer: Oh ha, ha!
Lister: Rimmer, people who say 'ha, ha' have no sense of humour, they can't think of a witty retort.
Rimmer: (pause) Oh ha, ha!

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac" - George Carlin

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. - Oscar Wilde

10-07-2009, 09:54 AM
"We're gonna play real quiet on the verse, and then come in real loud on the chorus." - Kurt Cobain :D

"To be equal you have to add or subtract, and I never liked math." - Marilyn Manson

Stevo: Do you love her?
Bob: I don't know. I'd have to think about that.
Stevo: It's not really a thinking question. - SLC punk, one of my all time fav. movies :)

I have way too many more fav. quotes but i'll cut it off @ 3.

Jack T. Chance
10-13-2009, 06:48 AM
I just stumbled upon this one tonight, and couldn't resist posting it! :D

"Apparently people don't like the truth, but I do like it; I like it because it upsets a lot of people. If you show them enough times that their arguments are bullshit, then maybe just once, one of them will say, 'Oh! Wait a minute - I was wrong.' I live for that happening. Rare, I assure you."
— Ian "Lemmy" Kilmister of Motörhead


10-15-2009, 10:31 PM
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

(from the bottom of an email my mom just sent me)

Lace Neil Singer
10-22-2009, 07:40 PM
(All from Family Guy)

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! Big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabites. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

10-27-2009, 08:46 AM

an addon to the family guy ones

*police scanner* 'there's been a shooting on 5th and main'
Brian: Is it just me or is rap music getting lazier?

Jack T. Chance
11-04-2009, 10:29 PM
The Wizard's Ninth Rule

A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole. To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy - to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions.

Faith is a device of self-delusion, a sleight of hand done with words and emotions founded on any irrational notion that can be dreamed up. Faith is the attempt to coerce truth to surrender to whim. In simple terms, it is trying to breathe life into a lie by trying to outshine reality with the beauty of wishes. Faith is the refuge of fools, the ignorant, and the deluded, not of thinking, rational men.

In reality, contradictions cannot exist. To believe in them you must abandon the most important thing you possess: your rational mind. The wager for such a bargain is your life. In such an exchange, you always lose what you have at stake.From Terry Goodkind's Chainfire, Chapter 48, page 489. :cool:

11-05-2009, 12:18 AM
"With my mission now at hand, my dear old town, my dear old people,
I now abandon everything and leave to protect this country.
To preserve our eternal and just cause, I now go forth.
My body will collapse like a falling cherry blossom
but my soul will live and protect this land forever.
Farewell. I am a glorious wild cherry blossom.
I shall return to my mother's place and bloom."

- Mayumi Ichikawa.

11-06-2009, 02:59 PM
Two from Abe Lincoln:

"I believe it is an established maxim in morals that he who makes an assertion
without knowing whether it is true or false, is guilty of falsehood; and the
accidental truth of the assertion, does not justify or excuse him."

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."

11-06-2009, 07:27 PM
Trinity: Ghost, can I ask you a serious question?
Ghost: Of course
Trinity: Do you believe that Neo is going to end the war?
Ghost: Yes. I do.
Trinity: So do I. But I can't explain how or why.
Ghost: Kierkegaard reminds us that belief has nothing to do with how or why. Belief is beyond reason. I believe because it is absurd.
Trinity: You think it's crazy to believe it?
Ghost: To believe what? That a single man can stop an entire race of machines, and end a war that has endured for over a hundred years? Of course! It's complete lunacy. And that's why we must believe it will happen. Faith by its very nature must transcend logic.

Ghost and Trinity, Enter the Matrix

Jack T. Chance
11-25-2009, 09:02 AM
While looking online for more info about punk rock singer-turned actor Henry Rollins, I found some great quotes by him...

"You can get away with a lot of shit if it looks like it's all you know how to do."

"The ones who don't do anything are always the ones who try to pull you down."

"If you hate your parents, the man, or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do."

"Nothing brings people together more than a mutual hatred."

12-01-2009, 10:58 PM
you can’t go wrong with the truth…
uless you're trying to sell something…

(posted by "MrKilljoy (http://failblog.org/2009/12/01/marketing-fail-or-epic-win-you-decide/#comments)" on Failblog)

Lace Neil Singer
12-06-2009, 07:51 PM
More Family Guy quotes:

(Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a bully)
Stewie: We're playing house...
Lois: But that boy is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are going to follow stupid old KISS around, it's painful.
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I'll miss you!

Jack T. Chance
01-12-2010, 01:58 AM
"He wasn't fired, he was upgraded to customer!"
--One of my new co-workers, in reference to a (now former) co-worker that washed out of the training program! :roll:

Jack T. Chance
03-26-2010, 07:00 PM
Conan: "Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

--Conan's version of a prayer to his god, from Conan the Barbarian.

03-27-2010, 12:35 AM
Just came across this in a Slate.com comments post:

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's also a biohazard.


El Pollo Guerrera
03-27-2010, 06:37 AM
Conan: "Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

--Conan's version of a prayer to his god, from Conan the Barbarian.

Made me think of this...

"I pissed off now, Jo-Bu... Look, I good to you. I stick up for you. If you no help me now... I say fuck you, Jo-Bu. I do it myself." - Pedro Cerano (Dennis Haysbert) "Major League" during the final game.

03-27-2010, 12:33 PM
Get the cheese to sickbay! - B'lanna Torres, Star Trek Voyager.

Did I mention I love cheese? ;)

Lace Neil Singer
03-29-2010, 08:23 PM
More Red Dwarf quotes.

Rimmer: Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea. They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled. Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.
Kryten: And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?
Rimmer: Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne."

Kryten: I beg you to reconsider, Sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates: "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."
Rimmer: Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates; the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates; Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat. If that'd been me, I'd've stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.
Lister: You would too, wouldn't you?
Rimmer: History, Lister, is written by the winners. How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk? From the only surviving document: Scott's diary. And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the First, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No, much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice," while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.

04-03-2010, 05:48 AM
The other cop was well known in the department. He was a nice guy and good to work with. He once tested the shotgun in the vertical cruiser mount by pulling the trigger. Since it's not supposed to have rounds in it, the shotgun would always click. One time though it had been used and a round accidentally left in the chamber when it was put back in the car. He blew the lightbar off the roof of the car during his shotgun "function check."
- ten80.blogspot.com

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Almost everything in Australia is made of poison, and if you find something that is not poisonous, watch out for the claws and the teeth.
- agirlandherfed.com/comic/?513

and a couple from My life is average

Today, I saw twin toddler boys wear matching shirts that said, "I'm one of a kind." MLIA.

Today I Read a website claiming Australians are incredibly bad-ass because they live in a country filled with dangerous animals and have to kill at least twenty venomous animals everyday. Being an Australian I laughed it off. Later while doing the dishes I saw a snake in the kitchen and reflexively chucked a pot I was cleaning at it, killing it. It was an inland taipan, which by the way is the deadliest snake in the world. MLIA

Jack T. Chance
04-04-2010, 05:49 AM
Leonard (on the subject of lifting a heavy box up several flights of stairs): "Do you have any ideas?"

Sheldon: "Yes, but they all involve having a green lantern and a power ring."

--From The Big Bang Theory :D

Jack T. Chance
05-03-2010, 04:31 AM
"Get that weak shit off my track!"

--Speed (Emile Hirsch), to his rival during the climactic race sequence, in Speed Racer (2008)


05-03-2010, 04:36 AM
"Everyone's an idiot. Just on different subjects." Will Rogers

05-03-2010, 10:13 PM
You can't believe in something you don't. - Ricky Gervais

05-05-2010, 03:04 AM
We're vikings we have a stubbornness problem.

Thanks for nothing you useless reptile

Astrid: So what's the plan?
Hiccup: Do something stupid
Astrid: you've already done that
Hiccup: then its time to do something crazy

-All from How to Train your Dragon

Loved that movie

Lace Neil Singer
05-06-2010, 07:38 PM
"Here's another curse for you... may all your bacon burn." - Calcifer, Howl's Moving Castle.

05-06-2010, 11:04 PM
"Here's another curse for you... may all your bacon burn." - Calcifer, Howl's Moving Castle.

What, did Retail Workhorse piss you off?

----completely unrelated but I figured I should post a quote----

To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another. ~John Burroughs

05-23-2010, 12:44 AM
I believe that I am bigger than the universe, smaller than the universe and equal to it.

-George Carlin, Last Words, p. 285


Be. Do. Get.
I do plenty. I get some. But I don't BE.

-George Carlin, Last Words, p. 288


"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel."

-Horace Walpole, 1776.

06-16-2010, 01:01 AM
If you're describing what you're doing, then you're not doing it. - Lewis Black talking about Twitter (from Stark Raving Black)

07-27-2010, 02:57 PM
My favorite George Carlin quote:

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

07-28-2010, 08:59 AM
I think that's my favourite part: "Are you sure no one's been orally affixed to you recently?". As if such a thing would slip your mind. -.--Gravekeeper

"Did you miss the first BlazBlue? Well, you're a horrible person." IGN's Review of Blazblue Continuum shift!

09-01-2010, 12:50 AM
“Really, now you ask me,” said Alice, very much confused, “I don’t think–”

“Then you shouldn’t talk,” said the Hatter.

09-01-2010, 11:27 PM
Napoleon Solo: Got any ideas Illya?
Illya Kuryakin: How can I have any ideas? I'm dead.:p

From a Season 1 episode of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." (and I can't recall off the top of my head which one at the moment.)

09-06-2010, 01:41 PM
Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard.

Herb Brooks. Coach of the 1980 U.S. Ice Hockey team that beat the Russian Hockey team for the gold medal.

09-06-2010, 03:09 PM
"Once again, we see there is nothing you can possess that I cannot take away."
--Dr. Herni Belloq, Raiders of the Lost Ark

Say this to your kids the next time you ground them.

09-09-2010, 03:37 AM
For every action, there is a reaction.

I say this in defense when we get belittled by customers and management doesn't want us to fight back.

09-21-2010, 08:16 PM
Oh, here's a Harry Dresden quote:

You never get across the bridge without facing the troll.

Jay 2K Winger
09-22-2010, 07:08 PM
More Harry Dresden quotes:

"The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault."

"Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's not an invisible demon about to eat your face."

"My faith protects me. My Kevlar helps." (Michael Carpenter)

"Not gonna bind ya or break ya, old spirit. Just gonna kick your ass up between your ears." ('Injun Joe' Listens-To-Wind)

"For my next trick... anvils!" (It's hilarious in context.)

"Polka will never die!" (Waldo Butters)

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right. ... Fuck subtle."

"You're such a cynic."
"I think cynics are playful and cute." (Molly Carpenter and Harry Dresden)

"PS--Why, yes, I can in fact capitalize any words I desire. The language is English. I am English. Therefore mine is the opinion which matters, colonial heathen." (Warden Chandler)

"There is, I think, humor here which does not translate well from English into sanity." (Sanya)

"Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka." (Sanya again)

10-09-2010, 12:10 PM
"It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

Lace Neil Singer
10-09-2010, 06:35 PM
The whole world cries out for peace, freedom and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie.

10-16-2010, 01:46 AM
Half the world is starving to death, while the other half sits on a pile of cash making bullets.

(paraphrased but that's almost exact) -Patricia A. McKillip, from Stepping From The Shadows

Lace Neil Singer
10-18-2010, 02:53 PM
Blackadder: Oh, incidentally, Baldrick - actors are very superstitious. On no account mention the word *Macbeth* this evening, alright?
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy.
Baldrick: Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?
Blackadder: No... well, not very often.

Melchett: You used to have a rabbit. Beautiful little thing. Do you remember?
George: Flossy.
Melchett: That's right. Flossy. Do you remember what happened to Flossy?
George: You shot him.
Melchett: That's right. It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run over by that car.
...George: By YOUR car, sir.
Melchett: Yes, by my car. But even that was an act of mercy when you remember that that dog had been set on him.
George: YOUR dog, sir.

Percy: Do not despair! For I have some small savings
carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my
frail old age. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and
for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...
Percy & Blackadder: ...under the squeaky floorboard...
...Percy, Blackadder & Baldrick: ...behind the kitchen dresser.
Percy: [smiles uneasily] You've seen it, then.
Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it! And the same goes
for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that
mouldy potato.
Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!

10-19-2010, 08:00 PM
My favorite Blackadder quote was in the WWI episode where he was going to be executed. Another soldier commented on how calm he seemed.

Soldier: I've got to admire your balls!
Blackadder (after a pause): Perhaps later.

10-27-2010, 01:19 AM
"Well, I must go. I hope we shall meet again. I will give you some free advice, though."
"Will it cost me anything?"
"What? I just said it was free!" said Miss Tick.
"Yes, but my father said that free advice often turns out to be expensive," said Tiffany.
Miss Tick sniffed. "You could say this advice is priceless," she said. "Are you listening?"
"Yes," said Tiffany.
"Good. Now... if you trust in yourself..."
"...and believe in your dreams..."
"...and follow your star..." Miss Tick went on.
"...you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learninig things and weren't so lazy. Good-bye."

from The Wee Free Men, Terry Pratchett

HappyFun Ball
12-18-2010, 04:36 AM
"Well, I object to all this sex on the television, I mean, I keep falling off!"
~Monty Python

"ARGH. Doorbell, am in bra and panties with wet hair. Suddenly hate the guest, have had to slave for 2 days and now they'll all swarm in demanding food like cuckoos. Feel like opening the doors and yelling "Oh, go fuck yourselves!""
~Bridget Jones

"Life is like a box of chocolates- It's dark, sticky and most of it sucks anyways."

"Some people are like Slinkys, they don't really have a purpose but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs."

"I collect church collapses , recreationaly. Did you see the recent one in Siciliy? Marvelous! The entire facade fell on sixty-five grandmothers at a special Mass. Was that evil? If so, who did it? If He's up there, He just loves it. Typhoid and swans, it all comes from the same place."

~Hannibal Lecter

"For me, socks are a lot like sex, tons of it about but I never seem to be getting any."

- Hugh Laurie as the Prince Regent in Black Adder the Third.

"Inside me is a thin woman screaming to get out, but chocolate shuts that bitch up!"

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

-Hank Hill

"Good news everyone!"

-Professor Hubert Farnsworth in Futurama (Most of the time, it was not good news)

"Give a man fire and he's warm for a day, Set a man on fire and he's warm for life."

"Honesty may be the best policy but insanity is an even better defense."

"PMS is a time of the month where Women act like Men do everyday."
~ Robert Heinlein

"He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!!"
~ Navin Johnson

"Without evil there can be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes."
~ Satan

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
~ Woody Allen

"So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth"
~ Monty Python

"What was it we had for dinner?"
"Well, we had a choice, steak or fish"
"Yes, I remember now, I had lasagna"
~ Airplane!

12-21-2010, 09:40 PM
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers, - IBM Chairman Thomas J. Watson 1943

This is the most stable operating system ever made - Bill Gates at a symposium presenting new, all-improved Windows 95, seconds before bluescreening ...

Jack T. Chance
02-12-2011, 12:47 AM
Here's one of my all-time favorite quotes from the pages of Green Lantern...In blackest day...
In brightest night...
Beware your fears made into light...
Let those who try to stop what's right...
burn like my power...

--Sinestro's oath:devil:

02-25-2011, 08:38 PM
Today, my friend told me he was going to go put small pieces of plastic in his eyes. I will never merely "put in my contacts" again. MLIA

Doctor: I think you’ll find that I’m universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.
[shows psychic paper]
Kazran: It’s just a lot of wavy lines.
Doctor: Yeah, it shorted out. Finally, a lie too big.
- The Doctor and Kazran, Doctor Who Christmas Special 2010.

"I wish everyone was a sci-fi geek because then there would be no
violence in the world. There'd be no wars. There'd only be people
e-mailing each other"
- Claudia Christian

It would be like buying Monolopy and just playing with the thimble.
Oh I've done that... No I'm just kidding
- Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes, Jay and Silent Bob Get Old

11 Cheers for Binary!

Jack T. Chance
03-05-2011, 10:45 PM
Secretary-General Rikki Stormgren: "This is serious."

The Overlord known as Karellen: "My dear Rikki, it's only by not taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess!"

--From Childhood's End, by Arthur C. Clarke

Jack T. Chance
03-12-2011, 10:55 PM
Conan: "I have known many gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by the Nemedian skeptics, or Crom's realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer's Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."
-- From"Queen of the Black Coast" by Robert E. Howard

03-13-2011, 01:08 PM
Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.
Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Unger.
Unger: Oveur.
Dunn: Oveur.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
Simon: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?
Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.
Dunn: Yep.
Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.
Unger: Yep.
Clarence Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.
Unger: So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.
Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

From Airplane II - the sequel

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!

From Spaceballs

(quotes taken from IMDB)

03-18-2011, 04:54 PM
There is no other species on the Earth that does science. It is, so far, entirely a human invention, evolved by natural selection in the cerebral cortex for one simple reason: it works. It is not perfect. It can be misused. It is only a tool. But it is by far the best tool we have, self-correcting, ongoing, applicable to everything. It has two rules. First: there are no sacred truths; all assumptions must be critically examined; arguments from authority are worthless. Second: whatever is inconsistent with the facts must be discarded or revised. We must understand the Cosmos as it is and not confuse how it is with how we wish it to be.
-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos

03-18-2011, 05:28 PM
England is not a part of Europe, Rebecca! We tolerate it, like a person tolerates herpes! ~ Assassins Creed: Brotherhood

The historian guy...i don't remember his name.

03-18-2011, 08:59 PM
That would be Shaun.

Here's another one from Assassin's Creed II & Brotherhood:

[on seeing Ezio freerun/climb]
Man 1: He must be late.
Man 2: She must be beautiful.

03-26-2011, 02:59 AM
If there is one thing I learned from James T. Kirk, it was that having sex with aliens is the best way to make friends.

(I don't know the name of the person who said that. It was a comment on a website discussion about the deleted sex scene from the movie Avatar.)

Jack T. Chance
04-18-2011, 08:50 PM
"'Speak the oath'... 'cuz everybody knows the oath...
Holds power ring up to face of power battery
I, Hal Jordan, do solemnly swear...
to pledge allegiance...
to a lantern...
that I got from a dying, purple alien...
in a swamp..."

--Hal Jordan's (Ryan Reynolds) first attempt to speak the Green Lantern Corps Oath, from Green Lantern (2011)


04-19-2011, 01:19 AM
"You should be kissed. And often. And by somebody who knows how." Rhett Butler to Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With The Wind".

04-19-2011, 02:32 AM
Favorite Blackadder quote: “This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.”

Other favorites:

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than dreaming" ~ Dr.Seuss

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." ~ Albert Einstein

"There are no elevators to success - you have to take the stairs." ~ Unknown

"You cannot change the cards you're dealt, just how you play the hand" ~ Randy Pausch

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." ~ Robert A. Heinlein

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. "~ e.e. cummings

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts." ~ Salman Rushdie, "One Thousand Days in a Balloon", New York Times, December 12, 1991

04-19-2011, 11:29 AM
"Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war" - Shakespeare, most notably in the play Julius Caesar..spoken by Antony.

There are many other great quotes I like, but this is probably my favorite.

Food Lady
04-29-2011, 10:29 PM
Daemonmonkey--love the Spaceballs quotes! My favorite is, "One, two, three, four, five?? That's the combination an idiot would have on his luggage!" Well, I could quote the entire movie--so many funny ones.

OK, mine:

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

My mom will sometimes refer to something as "uglier than homemade sin."

My friend: "People have turned the simple act of goods exchange into an exercise in personal validation and species hierarchy competition."

04-29-2011, 10:30 PM
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Food Lady
04-29-2011, 10:30 PM
Forgot one of my own: "Sometimes you have to let your inner child out. Just don't let him run into the street!"

04-30-2011, 02:28 AM
"Put. The bunny. Back. In the box."~ Cameron Poe(Nicolas Cage) in "Con Air".

05-06-2011, 05:07 AM
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But you call it a s___blossom, and I doubt most people would ever go near it to find out.

Jay 2K Winger
05-06-2011, 03:07 PM
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!"

"BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!"

05-09-2011, 03:21 AM
Pirate: "I'm confused."

The Doctor: "Well, it's a big club; we should all get a t-shirt."

From the Doctor Who Ep. entitled: "The Curse of the Black Spot"

05-11-2011, 10:34 PM
"if you don't have anything nice to say come sit by me!"

Steele Magnolias -- Clairie