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Der Cute
08-03-2009, 07:47 AM
Ok.

Background: My sister and I don't get along very well - the last time she called me was in Feb 09.
I have not spoken voluntarily to my mother for over 3 years; I believe I was abused as a kid and both she (mother) and father were responsible for it. I don't trust this woman.


So, today.
I called my sister to say hello. I am trying to talk to her occasionally, to chat and say hello. Not much depth between us, tbh. I called C. today to say hi and to chat a little bit about my pregnancy.

I asked her some questions - can a dr. guestimate the baby's size/weight at birth? She said "I didn't carry the baby to full term."
I said, "Yes, I know, but can a dr. measure these things and guess?"
She said, "We just wanted to see if she was normal we didn't ask that"
She was getting irritable.

I asked her if she'd heard from Dad. She said yeah, I have, haven't you called?
I said, "Yes, I have, but he's never home, just answering machine."
"Oh, he'll be back in town next week."

She asked me if I was going to tell my mother about the upcoming kid.
I said, "Probably not."
She asked why? I told her, "I don't talk to her, haven't done that for a long time, it's my choice."
C. said "so you're going to deprive your mother of a grandchild? Why aren't you going to see/tell her?"
I said - what I feel - "I don't trust her"

and then C. says I gotta go and hangs up.

Isn't it my business on what I do with my mother?
Why is my sister so pissy about this?

For a long long time I've been not talking to my relatives - due to the child problems I've had. I spend a little bit of time with Dad - he yells and repeats behavior and I had some flashbacks. Interesting. I spent time with mom a few years ago - and have grown to dislike the views she has and the behavior she does - stay away.
So is it so bad that I try to talk to some people occasionally, and just chat about basic low level things? Am I expecting too much for people to be cordial and polite here?

Am I smoking some weird shit and not knowing it?

Cutenoob

taxguykarl
08-03-2009, 04:40 PM
So is it so bad that I try to talk to some people occasionally, and just chat about basic low level things? Am I expecting too much for people to be cordial and polite here?

Am I smoking some weird shit and not knowing it?

CutenoobNo, not at all. I don't think so.

thegiraffe
08-03-2009, 05:34 PM
I believe that you're fully justified. You strongly suspect abuse, and your father's behavior has triggered some sort of reaction - that 's enough for me.

As a mother, your ultimate responsibility is the safety and well-being of your child. Unfortunately, sometimes that means cutting all ties. I just hope that this doesn't turn into an argument about being vindictive or spiteful. It seems that those aren't your intentions, but people (especially abusive ones who crave power) can attempt to make it seem as such. I'm also not sure what the laws are where you live, but some areas have grandparents' rights laws - essentially saying that a parent cannot forcefully keep a grandparent out of their grandchild's life. I would check into it (if you think it may come to that if your mom finds out) and prepare to tell the courts what you suspect.

Cute, I think that you're doing the right thing. I certainly wouldn't want any of my future children around others that I truly believe may endanger them.

Jester
08-03-2009, 07:30 PM
Whether or not you are doing the right thing is not the issue here when it comes to your sister's reaction. They are two different things.

If you believe that having a relationship with your mother is not in your best interests, you are doing the right thing by not having one.

However, your sister may not see things the same way you do. You may not have explained to your sister why you are not talking to your mother (from your post it sounds like you have not), and if that is the case, she may wonder why you are acting like that. Even if you have explained it to her, she probably still sees things differently, and thus is upset with you, seeing your ignoring of your mother as an insult to the person who is her mother as well. And if she does not view your mother in the same light you do, you can see how this would upset her.

I have spoken many times on these forums about my older sister and what a horrible person she can be, especially to me. Well, even though my younger sister does see that, and has even commented on it ("If she treated me the way she treated you, I probably would be pissed off at her too!"), she still sees my basically ignoring my older sister as an attack on our "family," and she goes out of her way to try to convince me to not hold such a grudge, to be more reasonable, etc. That is her view. My view is that my older sister has been such an evil witch that I have no reason to bother with her, and the fact that I still do at all is only because of the family--I do it more for my mother and my younger sister than for my older sister.

Amusingly, she actually asked me a favor today. She wanted me to come to Phoenix for her boyfriend's birthday in January, to DJ the party. Yep--I am not worth her being human to until she needs some hired help. Presumably at no charge or at a discount. Maybe that is her way of inviting me to the party, but either way, whether she just wanted a freebie and views me as only worthwhile when I can provide something for her, or if she knew no other way to invite me other than trying to hire me, I don't care...it is still pretty shitty of her, and right in line with her normal attitude towards me. I politely told her that I have a rule against DJing for friends or family (I've had that rule for years, actually), and that in any case, I have no equipment, so such a thing would be impossible--but I did refer her to the company I used to work for.

Back on topic, put yourself in your sister's shoes, and try to see things from her point of view, so you can better understand her reaction. It might help. It also might help if you explained things to her. If you are unwilling to do so, you need to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

BlaqueKatt
08-03-2009, 11:30 PM
but some areas have grandparents' rights laws - essentially saying that a parent cannot forcefully keep a grandparent out of their grandchild's life.


um no-grandparent's rights laws ONLY apply if the grandparent has irrefutable proof that severe harm will come to the child if they are denied visitation. They also have to prove they have had a meaningful relationship with the child, and the child will suffer if that tie is severed.

no judge can say a parent does not have a say in how their child is raised-which is what that would be doing-effectively telling the parent-"it's your child, but you parents have more rights than you do"

More info here (http://www.enotes.com/everyday-law-encyclopedia/grandparents-rights)-some states have struck down grandparent's rights laws as being unconstitutional. Some states require one of the parents to be deceased before even hearing the case-it varies but-the rights of the parent trump the rights of anyone else.

Der Cute
08-05-2009, 08:01 AM
Back on topic, put yourself in your sister's shoes, and try to see things from her point of view, so you can better understand her reaction. It might help. It also might help if you explained things to her. If you are unwilling to do so, you need to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

Ok.
My sister has a really strong relationship with my mother. Always has had one. I have tried explaining why I do not speak with my mother, but I think that there are feelings in me that I can't explain - some deep old roots I just can't express. I can give some examples, but out of context and out of time, they look small.

I haven't spoken to my mother in a long time, and really don't want to. Just not a priority for me, as I feel that being belittled and not accepted for myself does no good- just adds that much more stress/worry to me. But I feel that no matter how I explain my reasons, C will just get upset and growl at me.

So, looking at this, it's going to be only snail mail cards and such, no phone calls about Egbert's upcoming arrival (we're only 1/3 of the way done anyways). Doing it this way (notifying rellies via mail) will be less stressful.

I know that I've grown up and changed since I left home and have been on my own, I guess it's too much to ask that they all do too.

Cutenoob