View Full Version : The Customer Complaint Letter Game

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07-01-2011, 12:49 AM
Dear Ms. Nottadwarf,

Your insensitivity, intolerance and all-around nastiness have been noted. We'll pray for you. You are hereby banned for life from our premises.

Yours truly,
Tom Thumb, Manager

Dear Sirs,

I was horribly offended when shopping at your supermarket yesterday. I overheard customers speaking in a foreign language! I can't believe you allow this type of unAmerican behavior in your stores. Why do you hate America??? I want a gift card in the amount of $500 or I will never buy anything from your store again.

Mrs. Ima Nidiot

Grape The Cat
07-05-2011, 11:46 AM
Dear Mrs. Nidiot,
Unless they are being hostile we cannot control what our customers say or how they say things. In addition customers may speak any language they please, and there is nothing Unamerican about this. Your request for a gift card is denied.

Lynn Guistic
store managere

Dear Wal-Store
I was at one of your stores today and and I was appalled at the level of customer service. I was in the store and lit up a cigarette. Without being civil , your associate told me that smoking was not allowed in the store. EXCUSE ME??? I am the customer. I am always right. Your rude, idiotic assistant manager also said smoking was not allowed in the store. Such Nazi policies should be eliminated. Fire both employees and give me a $5,000 gift card or I will start a class action law suit.
Nick O'Tine

07-06-2011, 07:53 AM
Dear Mr. O'Tine,

It's against the law to smoke in stores. Therefore, your requests have been denied.


Store Manager

Dear Pool Manager,

I recently came to your pool with no clothes on and your rude lifeguard told me to leave and put on a swimsuit. I am the customer and if I want to come to your pool wearing no clothes then I have every right to. I want you to fire the rude lifeguard and give me free membership for life. If you don't, I will never come to your pool again.


Mrs. Natural

07-06-2011, 10:54 PM
Dear Mrs. Natural,

I was so sorry to hear that the police were unable to catch you before you left the premises. We will, of course, be cooperating fully with the parents of the four children who saw you and are pressing charges against you. You'll be happy to know that our security cameras recently received an upgrade at the behest of a particularly generous donor, and we therefore have fantastic video of the entire situation.
As to whether or not you will be coming to our pool again, I must say that you won't be. Sex offender status has a way of keeping children away from you.

Best Wishes for your trail and prison sentence,

Pool Manager


Dear Restaurant,

I am writing to complain about the service I received at your Interstate location the other day. The hostess sat me at a TABLE! I CLEARLY wanted a booth. It should have been obvious, as I spent five whole seconds looking at the booth I wanted. Then my waitress brought me water, but it was in a tiny cup! I am not a child, and I take offense to being served out of a child's glass!
The real problem, though, was the waitress's attitude. She was extremely rude, especially when my daughter pushed the fire door open and the alarm went off. I mean, she's only seven! How is she supposed to know what will happen? The waitress should have been there to stop her from opening the door. I demand to be compensated for my meal and given gift certificates, and at least 10 of your restaurant's t-shirts (in sizes small and large).


Mother of the Year

Irving Patrick Freleigh
07-06-2011, 11:29 PM
Dear Mother:

We are sorry to hear of your experience. Enclosed find 20 (10 in small and 10 in large) of our super-deluxe, designer "I got kicked out of Restaurant and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirts.



Dear Clearance Swamp Manager:

I visited your store today, the first Wednesday in July and thus Senior Day. Yet I did not get the 15% senior discount on my purchase.

So what if I'm only 22? I'm a college senior! I should get the discount!

Give me a personalized written apology (no form letters!), at least $1,000 in gift cards, and that sexy devil Irving Patrick Freleigh for one night. I'll do things to him that will make his co-workers bow before him like the hunky god among men he is.

Coed Naked

07-06-2011, 11:59 PM
Give me a personalized written apology (no form letters!), at least $1,000 in gift cards, and that sexy devil Irving Patrick Freleigh for one night. I'll do things to him that will make his co-workers bow before him like the hunky god among men he is.

Coed Naked
Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.


* * *

Dear Manager of Sparky's Fireworks Tent,

I wanted to get loads of fireworks for the Fourth of July, but your rude employees wouldn't even let me enter the tent! Just because I was smoking my cigarettes, they demanded I stay back fifty feet! Damn it, I'm the customer, I'll smoke where I want to! Now I missed shooting off fireworks for the Fourth. I want free fireworks for the next ten July Fourths, and you to fire that rude employee!

Smokey Toomuch

07-07-2011, 11:34 PM
Dear Mr. Toomuch,

We won't be firing the employee since you were told not to smoke near the tent for safety reasons. Also, we will not give you free fireworks.


S. P. Arky

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I scanned my items through self checkout and selected credit as my payment option. I was steamed when it gave me an option to enter my pin or press enter. I demand this step be eliminated if credit is chosen. If you don't do this, I will break into your store after closing and smash all of your pin pads to pieces.


C. R. Editcard

07-08-2011, 07:00 PM

Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.


FTW! :lol:


Grape The Cat
07-23-2011, 11:15 PM
Dear Mr. Editcard,
Many of our customers have cards that can be used as credit card s or debit cards, sometimes they like to get additional money back, which requires, in most cases, a PIN number. We are sorry that you are frustrated with the way our machines are set up, but that is the way the machines are set up. We have reported your threat of burglary and vandalism to the local police.
Chuck Roast
Store manger
Dear Rest stop,
I stopped in your location yesterday and was appalled at the level of service. First of all, tour rude cashier insisted that I wait in line. I have kids! I can't wait in line! Secondly, when i ordered a glass of red wine your cashier told me you do not serve alcohol. Thirdly, when I went to get my daughter a Hannah Montana DVD at your shop, I was told you did not have it. This is sexism and discrimination and illegal and immoral. What I want done: Have the cashier fired, always serve me first whenever i come into your location, always serve me wine and devote at least 60% of your store's floorspace to Hannah Montana DVDs. If you do not comply, i will start a class action law suit.
Sue M. All

07-25-2011, 09:35 AM
Dear Ms. All,

There are other customers besides you, we aren't allowed to serve alcohol because children shop here, and we have no room for any DVDs. Therefore, your requests have been denied.


Rest Stop Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off arresting me? It was the fault of your employee standing in front of the self checkouts. I told her to scan my items and she had the nerve to tell me that I was supposed to scan them myself. I was steamed at her, so I put my items in a bag and took them without paying. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $200 gift card to make up for my arrest. If you don't do what I want, I will continue to take items from your store and not pay for them.


S. H. Oplifter

07-26-2011, 10:44 AM
Dear S. H. Oplifter.

Do you know what self-serve means? Also, do you know what stealing means?
I'll give you a hint: One involves not being lazy and one involves a heavy fine and possible jail time.
Hopefully, you are smart enough to know which one is which.

Supermarket Manager


Dear Bookstore manager.

I am disgusted that your staff forced me to pay for several books which I didn't want to buy.

All I wanted was a few pages from them because they were my favourite parts. I carefully pulled them out and did not damage the book in anyway.

The staff informed me that I was "damaging" the book. I didn't damage it! They can just replace the pages easy. I worked in a bookstore once and I know for a fact that you have boxes of spare pages out the back. I only took a few pages out of each book. How hard is it to replace them?

I demand several requests to be done for the way I was treated:
A $200 gift card
Free books of my choosing
The employee who told me I was damaging the book to be fired.
The supervisor on duty who made me pay for the book or else they would call the police to be fired.

If you do not comply with these requests, you will hear from my laywer and will be sued.


I. Rip Pagers

07-26-2011, 11:56 PM
Dear Book Mutilator,

If you did indeed, as you say, work for a bookstore at one time, you would know darned well that we do not have spare pages in the back or anywhere else!

You fail. And you will not get what you want, because our lawyers can beat up your lawyer. :p


Barney Noble, bookstore manager


Dear Slurp 'N' Burp manager,

I ordered a meal from your establishment, and wanted a coke. Your cashier told me you didn't have Coke, only Pepsi. Well! I am the customer and the customer is always right! I think it's downright rude that you don't carry the product that I want, and I won't take rude behavior, so I slapped your cashier across the face.

Next thing I know, the cops eating lunch in the dining room are arresting me for assault and battery! How dare they! All I was doing was standing up for myself.

I will not accept this at all. I demand that you bail me out of jail, fire that rude girl and carry Coke products from now on!

Ann Tagonist

07-29-2011, 03:55 PM
Dear Ms Tagonist,

We will do no such thing.

Please find enclosed a restraining order on behalf of our employee, and a free lifetime subscription to anger management weekly.

yours unhappily,
surrey brup


Dear Big chain movie theater,
I went with my poor infrm mother to one of your movies the other day with her in a wheelchair, and was highly insulted that you yanked the two of us from the theater!

The peon who pulled us out was saying things like "pay for your ticket!" and some such nonsense!

I've been going to your theater for YEARS and have always gotten free tickets when I take my mother!

I demand this policy be reinstated for the caretakers of the elderly, and free concessions for life!

yours hatefully,
Elma Waddle

07-29-2011, 05:54 PM
Dear Mrs Waddle.

The 'peon' in question happened to be me, the manager.

Thank you for identifying yourself. We have checked the security tapes of the last month and found you entering with a ticket on two other seperate occansions.

You are now banned. Your mother is not.

Have a nice day.

Dabig Screen, manager.


Dear owner of Customerssuck.com

I am writting this on behalf of the Customer Rights Anonymous Program when one of our trusted and loyal member (Username IRLurker111) and we are DISGUSTED with this site.

The stories that these inhuman peons spread are filled with lies, set to cause grief to us, the loyal, paying, always right customers! Some of our member even recognise some of these stories, heavily twisted to support these uneducated drop-outs.

One of our members, Username "Tun0Neal0Vison" recognised the story where the rude employee dared to point out a sign that said "No coffee today. Sorry". Mr Vison informed us that he was offended that he had to READ. Unacceptable! It was clearly the EMPLOYEE's fault and the employee should of been FIRED!

Another of our members, "1mmaSt0rm" noticed the story where she was declined a service from the peons stating that the power had 'gone out' due to a passing thunderstorm. How dare those things say they can't control the weather! It was beyond poor service and we have boycotted the entire business until our demands are met ($500,000 for each day we don't go to their store).

This site is a disgrace to our rights as customers and we at Customer Rights Anonymous Program demand it be SHUT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Further more, we demand that you track down these worthless peons and drop outs who have posted comment and stories alike and FIRE THEM from whatever pathetic job they may own!

For each day you do not shut down this site, we will be suing you for 10,000 each hour and contact the news, the FBI, our lawyers, our families and our friends and we will FORCE you to shut down!

Customer Rights Anonymous Program
We are C.R.A.P and proud of it!

(I had way... WAY to much fun writing all that. :lol::lol::lol: )

08-05-2011, 04:13 AM
Dear Customer Rights Anonymous Program,

Our members need a site to vent about people like you and we will not get them fired. Therefore, we will not shut down our site.


The Secretary

Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store selecting some clothes and I since I don't like fitting rooms, I started undressing over where the back wall is so I could try the clothes on. One of your rude employees told me to use the fitting room and I told her to mind her own business. She had the nerve to call security and have me removed from the store. I want the employee and security guard fired for being rude to me, an $800 gift card, and my next purchase for free or I will come back and slice all of your clothes to ribbons.


D. R. Esser

Grape The Cat
08-17-2011, 08:10 PM
Dear D.R. Esser,
Our fitting rooms are where you try on clothes, we do not allow undressing in any other part of our store, except for the bathrooms, which you cannot enter with unpaid merchandise. As the employe and security guard were doing their jobs within company regulations we will not fire either of them, your request for a gift card is also denied. Your threat to damage our stock has been forwarded to the police department. You are hereby banned from the store.

Dee Cency
store manger
Dear O.G.I. Monday's:
i have suffered terribly because of the wanton abuse and carelessness of your rude and imbecilic employees. First of all whenever I order an alcoholic drink your idiots insist on carding me. I'm 42, not some loser teenager with a fake ID. Second of all, when i refuse to show my ID your idiotic employees don't serve me. Third of all, when I demand to see how my tofu and bean sprouts are cooked i am told I can't go to the kitchen, and some nonsense about health regulations. That is nonsense I have college degrees! I am smarter than your employees, furthermore I am the customer and I am always right. Fire all your employees and give me and my family free meals for life at all of your locations or I will report you on my blog.

I. Bea Vain

08-20-2011, 04:21 AM
Dear Mr. Vain,

We have to card all customers who look under 40 if they want alcohol and the employees were right about not allowing you into our kitchen due to health regulations. Therefore your requests for firing the employees and free meals have been denied.


Food Manager

Dear Theatre Manager,

You had absolutely no right to kick my boyfriend and I out of the movies. All we were doing was sitting in the back row making out. Those other customers who complained about us need to learn to mind their own business. I want free movie passes and free refreshments for my boyfriend and I for life or we will never come to your theatre again.


Miss Makeout

Grape The Cat
08-21-2011, 12:21 AM
Dear Miss Makeout,
Those other customers were trying to enjoy the movie, which you and your boyfriend prevented them from doing. In addition you were warned about your behavior twice by an usher, but you persisted. Our corporate rules allow us to kick out anyone who is creating a disturbance or hampering the enjoyment of the film for others. Therefore your requests are denied.
Roland Film
Theatre manger

Dear Butcher Shop,

08-21-2011, 05:22 PM
Dear Mr. Sprouts,

If you'll step next door, you'll find The Green Grocer, a very nice produce store. I highly recommend their salad bar.

As I said, he's right next door. He doesn't sell meat, I don't sell vegetables, we don't step on each others' toes. Have fun.

Butch R. Block, owner
Butch's Meats

* * * * *

Dear Manager,

I was at your store buying hundreds of dollars of school clothes for my perfect precious little angel daughter and one pair of pants for the other child that came from me, whatever the hell it is. My little angel was rather rambunctious and talkative, as many children are, and was a wee bit sassy with the cashier when she wanted to buy a few trinkets. Cashier refused to ring up her sale, saying she didn't like being called a bitch or some such nonsense. I was horribly embarrassed and ended up buying the items myself, and scolding my darling daughter. Now I think of it, the cashier was vastly out of line for defending herself. Who doesn't get called a bitch now and then? I certainly hear it several times a day every day!

I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and to allow my precious darling daughter to beat the crap out of that horrible cashier, or I will never shop there again.

Terri Bull-Parent

(Yes, I based that one on a recent post (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=81057).)

08-26-2011, 11:10 AM
Dear Mrs. Bull-Parent,

Our employees reserve the right to refuse service when necessary. Therefore, your requests are denied.


Store Manager

Dear Craft Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring my daughter? She's 16 and needs a job to help pay for the car that she plans to buy. I demand you hire my daughter and allow her to make out with her boyfriend and talk with her friends on the job as much as she wants. If you don't, I will start an online petition to get you fired and the store shut down.


A. P. Ronstrings

Grape The Cat
09-01-2011, 08:17 PM
Dear Ms. Ronstrings,
If we hired your daughter she would have to abide by the same terms of employment as our other workers. Therefore, we could not permit her to talk with her friends or make out with her boyfriend. If your daughter wants a job she can apply in-store or online. Thretening us with an online petition douse not help your daughter's case. Thank you for your interest in our company.

Art N. Crafts
store manger
Dear Power Company,

How dare you not have power two days after a storm meant through. All it was was wind and rain!!!!!!! Because of your gross incompetence I have been forced to eat meals out. I ate at Le Chateau Jean-Claude for six meals and I spent $500. I demand that you reimburse me for the meals I was forced to take out and give me a free year of service and also guarantee that my power will never go out again. If you do not do all of the things I will sue you and go to the media with my story of your abuse of a loyal customer.

Irene Was-Nothing

09-02-2011, 03:41 AM
Dear Ms. Was-Nothing,

We have no control over the weather so we can't promise your power will never go out again. Also, there are cheaper restaurants you could've gone to so your meal reimbursements will be denied.


E. L. Ectric
Power Company Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to buy some strawberry kiwi juice and there was none on the shelf. I saw an employee with the juice I wanted and told her to give me some. She had the nerve to tell me that the juice was being put on hold for a customer that was on the phone. The other customer wasn't in the store so I should've been the one to get the juice. I demand you allow customers who are in the store to have first dibs on your items, fire the rude employee, give me free strawberry kiwi juice for life, and a $400 gift card. If I don't get what I want, I will never shop at your store again.


Ann Titled

Grape The Cat
09-07-2011, 11:37 PM
Dear Ms. Titled,
After reviewing the incident we found that the customer who was on the phone did indeed make her request first and was therefore. I have no idea why you were looking for strawberry-kiwi juice in the paper goods aisle, but we had plenty including a sale display in the juice aisle.Your requests are denied , we will not fire an employee for obeying store policy, nor will we give you a lifetime's supply of juice and a gift card.
Bev R. Age
store manager
Dear WalTarg,
I recently went to one of your stores and I was appalled!!! At!!! The level of Service!!!! First of All!!!! The lazy syock boys refused to find me a perfect cart!!!!! Secondly!!!! When I got to the toy department !!!! You had some!!! Loser thirty year old !!! Shopping!!! I needed toys for my angels!!! Although he didn't buy any of the toys I wanted he looked like a child molester!!!! I demand!!!! That you clear all areas!!! That I will be shopping in!!! And!!! Fire all you lazy incompetent stock boys!!!! Also do not allow losers to shop in your store!!!!! If you do not!! conform to my demands !! I !!! Will call!!!! The attorney general!!! And the media!!!!
Dee Manding-All

09-08-2011, 05:05 AM
Dear Ms Manding-All,

Nothing in your letter was worthy of investigation, except for your excessive use of exclamation points, which makes it look like you're under too much stress and wound way too tightly. Enclosed is a business card to an excellent psychiatrist who can get you the help (and possibly medicine) that you obviously desperately need.


Mel O'Yellow, manager,

* * * * *

Dear Bullina China Shop,

I am appalled at your lack of pet-friendliness! I went shopping at your store yesterday, bringing my darling little doggie FooFoo with me because he pines when I'm not with him and starts chewing on things. Well, naturally he's a little perky, and likes to play. But your nasty clerks got so angry with me, just because a few silly dishes got knocked over. Why do you hate animals so much?!

I demand that you fire those idiot clerks, give me a million dollars for compensation and let me bring in my little angel FooFoo, and never mind the dishes he breaks, or I will sue you.

Karen Knott Abitt

09-10-2011, 04:28 AM
Dear Ms. Knott Abitt,

We can't allow pets in our store for safety reasons. Therefore, all of your requests are denied.


C. H. Ina

Dear Jewelry Store Manager,

I was in your store deciding on some jewelry to buy when one of your rude employees made a closing announcement. This made me feel rushed so I shoved your earring and necklace displays to the floor and stormed out. I demand you make your employees stop the closing announcements so important customers like me can take as much time as we want. It's not like your workers have anywhere to go. They live to serve customers like me. If you don't stop these closing announcements, I will take as much jewelry from your store as I want and not pay for it.


Leah Sure

09-16-2011, 01:14 PM
Dear Miss Leah Sure.

Enclosed in this letter is a bill for the damages you caused to our earring and necklace display. Failure to pay for the damages will result in legal action. \
Further more, the closing announcements are in place to inform all customers that the store is closing. If you were unable to find what you need, you are more than welcome to return another day.

Police have been notified to your threats to steal from our store.

Bree Jewelled.


ToComputerStoreOwner.Iwasdownloadingsomemusicwhenm ylaptopdecidedtostopthedownload.Somethingaboutitbe ing"illegal".Downloadingmusicisn'tillegal.SoIthrewmylaptopagai nstthewallandstompedonitafewtimesbecauseitwasastup idhunkofjunkinthefirstplace.NowIcan'tusetheenteror spacebarkeys.Itriedtoreturnitbutyourstupidemployee ssaiditwasn'tunderwarrentyandIhadtopayfortherepair s.Iwantafreelaptopreplacementforthetroubleyourempl oyeescausedmeandalsoforyoutopayfortherepairstomywa llthatyourstupidlaptopcausedwhenIthrewitagainstthe wall.Andthenewlaptopbetterbeunbreakable!!Sincerely ,WalloTexCritsu

(To Computer Store Owner.
I was downloading some music when my laptop decided to stop the download.Something about it being "illegal". Downloading music isn't illegal. So I threw my laptop against the wall and stomped on it a few times because it was a stupid hunk of junk in the first place.

Now I can't use the enter or space bar keys. I tried to return it but your stupid employees said it wasn't underwarrenty and I had to pay for the repairs. I want a free laptop replacement for the trouble your employees caused me and also for you to pay for the repairs to my wall that your stupid laptop caused when I threw it against the wall. And the new laptop better be unbreakable!!

Wallo Tex Critsu)

Grape The Cat
09-17-2011, 01:26 PM
Dear Wallo Tex Critsu,
Downloading music can indeed be illegal if you do not pay for it. In addition your computer was out of warranty by three years when you contacted our employees. In addition your admitted actions caused the problems with the computer it was not defective. Therefore we will not give you a new "unbreakable" laptop as none would survive the abuse you put this one through. We will also not pay for the damage to your wall. If you want your computer repaired you'll have to pay for it. By the way we have forwarded your letter to the police and the FBI who will be interested in your illegal downloads of music.

Chip Motherboard
Owner Motherboard Computers
Dear food store:
I was in your location and I was offended deeply!!!! First of all you have shirts for a team I don't like. Second of all you have no New York Times. I am not illiterate like the rest of your shoppers and all of peasant workers. Not having the New York Times is discrimination against New Yorkers and Intelligent people!!!Second of all I found fried chicken at your deli. Only inbred hicks like fried chicken it is offensive to me as a New Yorker to have to see that. In addition, I asked how to get to New York City from this hick backwater illiterate town and none of your illiterate sales clerks were able to tell me!!! I demand that you carry the New York Times educate your employees and only have t-shirts of teams I like!!! I have an IQ of 146 and if you do not do these things and give me a $5,000 gift card for my troubles i will report you to the NEW YORK media.
Gene Yuss-Snob

09-21-2011, 04:46 AM
Dear Mr. Yuss-Snob,

Those items are very popular with our regular customers and we don't have a spot to put a New York Times. If you want to know how to get to New York, go to a computer store and buy a GPS.




Dear Fast Food Restaurant Manager,

I went through your drive thru and ordered a coffee. When I took a sip, it spilled on me and burned my lap. I had to go to work with a stained outfit and drink horrible coffee at work since I threw the coffee that burned me out the window. If you don't put warnings on the cup that the drink will be hot, I will sue you and set fire to your restaurant.


Mrs. Coffee

Grape The Cat
09-21-2011, 08:06 PM
Dear Mrs. Coffee:
We already have warnings that our coffee is hot, they are quite prominent, in fact. Also our employee told you that it was a from a fresh pot and very hot. We did warn you as to the high temperature of your coffee, but you did not listen. Also when you through the coffee out the window you threw it into the employee's face. Thank you for identifying yourself, you ar now banned from the store and we have informed the police of you arson threat.
Maxwell House
Dear Credit card company.
I tried to pay my bill like a good patriotic American, and when i called you help center to dispute a charge your nasty worker hunged up on me!!! When I called again I got a different service rep. who could not help me and sounded like she was from Jermanee. I was on hold for 62 hours while for a superviser who also couldn't help me, becauz she said the charges were from eight years ago. What kind of nonsense is that?? Also your workers are harassing me on a consumer message board and have prevented me from going to the meedeyah. I will boycott you until i am able to get the carged reversed and an upgrade to a platynumm

Deb Tore

10-03-2011, 04:20 PM
Dear Miss Tore,

We are sorry to hear about your recent experiences. However, the charges filed against you are dating to years ago. Therefore, until you pay off this charge and the several you currently owe us, we are declining your cards and filing a lawsuit.

P.S Learn to spell.

Ree Padee

Dear Video Game store,
I was in the store the other day when I saw a few games I wanted. I also noticed that there was a sale on which was: Buy one game, get the second one free.
I went up to the counter with 4 games I wanted, which were, along with their prices:
Sonic: Never says die - $35
Call of Duty: Future Warfare - $70
Grand Theft Auto: Space Edition - $65
World of Warcraft: War of the Angry kobolds expansion pack - $40

I was going to pay the $75 for the two games (Sonic and Warcraft) and get the other two free as part of the sale. But your stupid employee on duty told me that I would get the lower priced one for free and would have to pay $135.
How DARE they try and rip me off. It was only fair that I threw the all the cases off the selves and stomped on them because they were trying to rip me off.
I demand you give me all the games I want for free and a free game each month because I was almost ripped off.

Faile Scom the Third.

P.S I also demand you pay my bail out of jail because of the false arrest made against me for this.

10-07-2011, 02:30 AM
Mr. Faile Scome the Third,

Thank you for your patronage at our store. Please know that we value every customer's experience as an opportunity to improve.

As to your complaint, if you had bothered to RTFM , or sign in this case, it clearly states that only 1 BOGO is offered to a customer at a time and the fine print, written in not so fine print, indicates that the lower priced game is the one for free.

To put it in words you understand: j00 failz, OMG!!!11
Also, we will not be reimbursing you for legal fees as we have no desire to deprive Sarge of his favorite shower toy.

Mr. Ban Hammer

Dear "Customer Satisfaction" Hag,

I walked into your store and thanks to your BAD SELECTION, I couldn't find anything I wanted to pay for. I was on my way out when you Security troll grabbed me by the neck and frog marched me to the office and accused me of stealing! Yes, I tried on the shirt, but I left it in the room. That OX must have reattached those tags to MY SHIRT!
So now, I'm in jail, my reputation is ruined and I had to drop out of classes because of YOUR INABILITY TO HIRE HONEST EMPLOYEES!
I want the shirt, my legal fees reimbursed and the security guard drawn and quartered. Then MAYBE I'll consider not suing you.


Ima Dumass

10-14-2011, 05:29 PM
Dear Ms. Dumass,

Our cameras confirmed that you did steal from our store. Therefore, we're denying all of your requests.


Store Manager

Dear Chief of Police,

Where does you rude officer get off charging me? All I did was call 911 because the fast food restaurant I went to was out of fries. That restaurant broke the law by being out of fries when they're required to have everything on the menu in stock. I demand you drop this charge or I will come to your station and break all your first floor windows.


E. M. Ergency

10-14-2011, 11:39 PM
Dear Mr. Ergency,

If you can point out to me the exact clause in the law that states that all fast food restaurants must have everything on their menu in stock at all times, I will gladly drop the charges. I suspect you will be examining law books for a very long time.

John Darme, Chief of Police

* * *

Dear VoldeMart,

My daughter used to work for you until you fired her. I don't think this was just at all, she only took a DVD, I know for a fact that many of her friends took more than just that from you!

I want you to pay my daughter's bail and give her back her job, or my family won't buy from you anymore.

Ann Abler

Grape The Cat
10-16-2011, 03:45 PM
Dear Ms. Abler,
Over the week that your daughter worked for us she stole thirteen DVDs twenty-two CDs, and $500 from her register drawer. We have also fired the other employees who stole. We have video proof of your daughter's thefts, and we will not drop the charges against her, or give her her job back. We have also identified you and your family as shoplifters as well, therefore we will file charges against you and ban you from our stores.
Justus Served
Loss Prevention manager
Voldemart #3434
Dear Insurance Company,
I recently called one of your incompetent, idiotic, and rude representatives. I told her I wanted your company to pay for my taxi to and from the hospital. She said she couldn't do it. Do you know how long I have been a member? You need to pay for my taxi, as i am a high-class lady, and i do not have time to talk to people like your representative. Also i am demanding that from now on you give me free limo services for life, that you pay for all of my surgeries and give, that you fire the rude representative and give me $5,000 to make up for the trauma I suffered when i had to call a taxi myself. If you do not do these things I will report you to the media and Congress.

I. Bea Asnob

10-17-2011, 04:25 AM
Dear Ms. Asnob,

It's not the job of our representatives to call a taxi for you. We're also denying all of your requests.


I. N. Surance,

Dear Mini Mart Manager,

I came into the store with my 4 year old daughter so she could use the restroom and your rude employee told me that the restroom was for employees only. I was steamed so I told my daughter to relieve herself on the floor which she did and then we walked out. I want this rude employee fired and a customer bathroom built. If you don't give into my demands, I will pour all of your milk on the floor.


Mrs. Spoiled

Grape The Cat
10-19-2011, 07:12 PM
Dear Mrs Spoiled,
Due to limited space we do not have space for customer restrooms. However there is a 24 Hour McDonald's across the street and a 24 hour Wal-Mart down the street. We have tape of you telling your child to relieve herself in our store and we will release it to the proper authorities. If you come into our store and deliberately damage our products you will be charged with theft. Your demands are denied.
Minnie Mart
Minnie's Mini-mart
Dear Drug Store,
i went into your store and I am very appalled at your level of service. First of all your rude employee asked me for a loyalty card. i don not believe in being in the system of Big Brother, and I am appalled your employee would dare ask me to be part of your soul-sucking corporate empire. Secondly when I asked for some marijuana and cocaine, your rude employee told me they were illegal. This is false advertising! You are a drug store! You should sell drugs! I later got arrested buying some drugs on the street. i demand that you stop your loyalty program and pay my legal fees because I never would have been arrested if your rude employee had served me properly I also want a $20,000 gift card to make up for the pain and humiliation of that night.
Mary-Jane Coke

10-30-2011, 06:02 PM
Dear Ms. Coke,

We sell prescription and over the counter legal drugs and most of our customers enjoy our loyalty program so we will not stop it. Also, the employee was right about marijuana and cocaine being illegal. We also had nothing to do with your getting arrested. Therefore, we won't be paying you anything.


T. Y. Lenol

Dear School Principal,

Where do your teachers get off telling my daughter to do her homework? She is very busy with her music and doesn't have time to do homework. I demand you tell the teachers to do her homework for her. If you don't, I will hire someone to wreck your school.


Mrs. Mother

Grape The Cat
10-31-2011, 03:26 PM
Dear Mrs. Mother,
All students have to do their homework, it is a factor in calculating a students grade. It would not be fair to other students if your daughter did not have to do her homework. I understand that students may have other interests outside schoolwork, but we cannot make exceptions. We have reported your threat to destroy our school to the authorities.

Ed U. Cates
Dear MalMart,

11-08-2011, 12:08 AM
Dear Ms. Daughter-Spoiled,

All children get the same amount of candy so it will last. Therefore, we will deny your requests.


Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout lane, put my items on the belt, and your rude employee told me she was closed. I told her that it was illegal to tell customers she was closed and that she had to ring me up. She told me it was time for her to leave and walked away so I ran after her, pulled a knife on her, and forced her to ring me up. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and arrested for committing an illegal act. I'm a lawyer and I know my stuff. If you don't do as I want, I will press charges against your employee myself.


L. A. Wyer

11-14-2011, 03:09 AM
Dear L.A. Wyer

Thank you very kindly for bringing this to our attention. Please find enclosed a nice shiney new set of handcuffs to be personally delivered by our neighborhood policemen. You have also won a life time supply of banhammer, we will be paying a real lawyer to represent or employee whom you threatened so openly, infront of 2 cameras and 3 witnesses.

Mr. R. L. Awyer


dear big name bank,

I'm simply appaled by the level of service I recieved by your call center the other night. I simply called in to see if my money had been placed on my unemployement card yet. and they had the GALL to say they had no idea when the money would be released. I told the associate that I was an important person and that they had better find out that information for me or I'd hunt her down in what ever podunk little town she lives in and kill her, then sue ALL of you for this!!!

Irving Reginald Smrt

Grape The Cat
11-21-2011, 10:34 PM
Dear Mr. I. R. Smrt,
We do not know when exactly this deposit will be credited to your account because we have to make sure the funds are available in the depositor's account. Thank you for sharing your name with us, as your death threat has now been turned over to the local authorities.
Nick L. Andime
Customer Service Supervisor
Dear Food Store,
i was at one of your locations and had a most unpleasant experience. I bought some store brand clothes detergent and tried to use a coupon , your idiot employee tried to tell me that the coupon was only good for Tide. In this economy I think you should bend the rules so that people who are struggling don't have to follow insane policies. Also your cashier, who is an idiot dared ID me for my Merlot, I am not some college kid with beer, i am a smart, sophisticated lady and I do not need to show your idiot employees any ID whatsoever, when I told your idiot incompetent employee this she refused to sell me my wine. Excuse me? I am WELL above the age for buying alcohol and I am offended at the notion that your lowly employee DARE question me. To make up for the heinous injustice done to me I want a $500 gift card, the employee I dealt with fired, and a handwritten letter of apology from your CEO. If you do not give me what i demand i will spread the word on my blog and tell all my friends of your unfair and moronic policies.
Della Olivia As-Isay

11-22-2011, 02:19 AM
Dear Mrs. As-Isay,

We regret to inform you that mix-and-match for coupons simply doesn't work. We wouldn't get the reimbursement we need for the coupon from Tide if we sold you something else, then used the Tide coupon. They would tell us no, and therefore we must pass the no on to the consumer. I'm sure you understand.

And as one of my less . . . wise employees once bended to the will of a teenager who demanded wine, our license was nearly pulled. I personally fired that employee and brought in a specialist to retrain all of my cashiers on proper liquor sales. My assistant informed me that your cashier, Wanda, did exactly right and therefore she will be declared employee of the month.

As for informing the C. E. O., that would be me. If you defame us on the Internet, we will sue you for libel. Please consider yourself free to shop elsewhere, with our blessing. I will personally send you coupons from our store to use on their merchandise. :)

Cheers and have a happy day,
Crystal O'Cleary,
Crystal's vision food mart C. E. O.


Dear Witch's Brew:

I went to your sickening store to go Christmas shopping for my family, because it was the only store in town I hadn't been to yet. Every other store in town refused to accept my seven debit cards. When I went shopping for presents to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior, what did I find in your store? Goddess worship music! And crystals! Books on how to cast spells. Tarot decks on display! Not a Christ to be seen. Not a bible in sight! And the staff there were telling people "Happy Solstice." Happy Solstice? This is Christmas, damn you! Now I demand you get rid of all that Satanic stuff you sell, fire your employees, and get good, decent, hard-working, clean-cut white Christian men! I also demand a 5,000 gift card, and to see you at my church, the Holy Cathedral of Holier Than Thou, on your knees begging forgiveness. First from me, and then from God!

Father Mal Content.

11-23-2011, 01:20 PM
Dear Father Content,

Our store sells witchcraft items since we are a witchcraft store. Therefore, your requests are denied and none of my staff will be attending your church.


Head Witch

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to do Thanksgiving shopping. When I was checking out, your rude checker had me try out the pin pad since it broke earlier and it froze just when I was about to sign on it. To make things worse, your rude service desk employee had the nerve to ring me up for just the total. I needed the receipt to find out what I saved on each item especially the turkey and I waited in line for 40 minutes. No one knew how to do that but mentioned that my daughter, who works there but was off, might be able to figure it out. Later, the rude supervisor had the nerve to call me at home to let me know that they couldn't retrieve my original receipt. Also, she told me that my credit card might be double charged. I demand a $400 gift card, my next order for free, and the employees retrained on what to do when the register freezes or I will only shop in your store when my daughter is working.


Mrs. Guineapig

12-05-2011, 09:10 AM
Dear Mrs Guineapig,

unfortunately the wait times before holidays such as Thanksgiving cannot be avoided here in the United States. We do have to apologize for the inconvenience as a firmware update was installed as the firmware of the pinpads was vulnerable to a certain exploit. As such, it could not have been unfrozen even when your daughter was working there. We will attempt to make the staff aware of such updates again should the need arise to do so.

Kind regards,
C. Lone,
Store Manager


To Whom it might concern,

I called your internet provider yesterday as the internet was broken and the representative was unimaginably rude to me. After we made the internet work again which required him to give me some technical instructions, I asked whether he thought that I was stupid as he explained that resetting something called the router helped. I am sure that he did something on his end and just led me through this ordeal because he was inept and unable to do this quickly. To that question, he just replied that he was not allowed to answer rhetorical questions. I think that this was a very rude reply, especially as it took about three hours to get me to it and constantly interrupting me talking about and to my cats to do more of that technical stuff. I demand this technician to be fired and a handwritten apology from him.

M. Moron

12-10-2011, 07:02 AM
Dear Mr. Moron,

I am dreadfully sorry to break the news to you, but the employee to whom you refer is in the hospital. You see, you literally talked his ear off, and we had to call in a medical team to save his life from the blood loss. Then we had to call in a janitorial team that specializes in disaster cleanup, to take care of the massive blood all over our call center.

Review of his call with you is impossible because our computer systems were ruined by the blood. But we can extrapolate, because his nearest co-worker and the new girl he was training were sitting beside your cust. service rep, and told us the vast majority of the inane babble you call conversation. She required headache relief pills - 8 of them. He required a martini, and a shot of vodka, and a . . .

Therefore, our union will not allow me to fire the poor employee, and instead demands his medical bills be covered to the penny. We also require recoupment to replace our technical equipment.

So I hereby gladly send you a bill for two million dollars. The majority of it is medical bills. Please ensure direct payment within two weeks.

Angel Ickboss, Vice President of Operations,
Swiftwind Internet Service.


Dear Cat's Meow Pet Supply:

I went into your store the other day, and was greatly offended by three of your employees, Catherine, Leo, and Felix. I'd visited your store a couple of other times while price-shopping, and decided to go in and make a purchase because I liked your low prices. I also noticed that your store allows people to bring in their pets. But the only pets I ever see are cats.

So I came in with my dog, Killer, a pit bull. No, he didn't have a leash on him. He goes everywhere with me, but when I came into the store, do you know what happened? First, Killer went after some of the cats, which was good clean fun. But then a group of cats stood up, and slapped him. Repeatedly! They seriously hurt my Killer, as if they didn't want him there! And your employee, Catherine, came over to Killer, and she removed the cats from him. Yes, she did get her hand scratched up, but I don't care. That's her job! Do you know what she said? "Please get that dog out of here!" Can you believe it! The utter gall? I've never been insulted in my entire life!

But I didn't have to get Killer out. The cats all ganged up on him again and chased him out. A Siamese even continued to beat up on my poor little pit bull until he jumped into the car to get away from her! When I tried to shout at the cat owners, they shouted back at me, told me my dog had scared their innocent little masters! Well I never!

So I stormed over to Leo and demanded to speak to a manager. He said you were out to lunch and would be back in a few minutes. He offered to take my phone number, but I just pushed him down into a decorative fish tank most of the cats in the store were watching!

I asked another employee, Felix, where the dog food was, and he said your store only sells cat things! How disgusting! I am so offended I can't stand it! Then Catherine comes to me and says she's called the police and the ambulance. That made me feel better, until the policeman showed up. All the cat owners told the cop that they saw me push Leo into the fish tank. So I ran from the store and got into the car. I saw the ambulance and tried to give them Killer, but the paramedic said she wasn't interested in a dog. She was there to help a man who'd been badly cut by broken glass. The cops came out, looking for me, so I got into my car and drove away.

I've never been so insulted in my whole life! I demand Killer's vet bills for the scratches be paid to the penny, and a lifetime supply of your best dog food! If you don't do this, I'm going straight to the press! My nephew's ex-girlfriend's brother is a lawyer and my hairdresser's daughter's husband is a t. v. reporter!

Signed Mrs. Luna Tick the third.

12-12-2011, 01:12 AM
Dear Mrs. Tick,

Enclosed is a bill for the damage of the fish tank and the injuries of our 2 employees. Also, if you want dog food, go to a dog store since you're no longer welcome here. Also, we are pressing charges so expect a visit from the police sometime soon. Enjoy your time in prison.


K. Itten

Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I came to your store to buy a tote and also put several other items in the tote. When I got to the checkout, your rude checker had the nerve to open the tote and ring up the items inside. I should've gotten them for free since I could fit them in the tote. I demand you train your employees to trust your customers by not looking in the totes or I will open all of your paint cans and throw the paint all over the store.


Mrs. Sneaky

12-12-2011, 10:31 PM
To the dear Mrs Sneaky,
Ma'am, this isn't Fallout: New Vegas. I would suggest increasing your anti psychotic meds while searching for another store to shop at.

We know where you live,
Ham R N'screws, CEO
The Hardware store

My dear peon,
As you know, I pay for your service, therefore I am your lord and master.
how DARE you tell me that I am unable to order "Miss Kitties whips and tails for nauty boys" on PPV simply because I am 113 days past due on my bill! The NERVE of it all!
As you know, I pay more per month than you make in a year, I know so becasue I read it on the intertubes.
Now do something about this IMMIDATELY!

William S.Cammer

12-13-2011, 04:50 AM
Dear William S. Cammer,

We will be more than happy to rectify the situation. As of now, your cable TV is canceled. Enjoy your blank screen!

Kay Bull-Teevee, president
ID-10-T-Box Television

* * * * *

dear mcdonalds,

i got a Happy Meel with a toy i didnt want so i asked the employee for another toy in the display and she sed they werr out but the toy wuz in the dispaly so why did she say they werr out thats not fare i asked agin and agin and she kept sayin they werr out so i want my monee bak and i want that toy gimme that toy

Ken Nott-Listen

12-23-2011, 05:08 AM
Dear Mr. Nott-Listen,

The display toys are only for display and your refund is denied. However, we will let you know when we get in the toy you requested.


B. Urger

Dear Zoo Owner,

I was recently in your zoo and enjoyed looking at the animals. However, your rude employees displayed horrible customer service. They refused to give me a straw and gave the excuse of not being allowed to have them. The drink spilled on me when I tried to take a sip so I took off my dress right then and there. One of them had the nerve to call security and have me ejected from the zoo. I demand you retrain your employees on customer service and give me a free pass for life or I will release all the animals.


Mrs. Straw

01-02-2012, 01:15 AM
Dear Ms. Straw;

I have scanned the video of you in the zoo on the day that you mentioned. As you were by the elephant exhibit, we had to escort you out as the male elephants were trying to climb the fence to get to you. I'm sure you understand that mating season is now upon us and we do need to be careful about these things.


I.M. Manager

Dear Grocery Store;

I was in your store yesterday and I bought some nuts, they were supposed to be broken walnut pieces but there were WHOLE nuts! I cannot eat WHOLE nuts! I can only eat BROKEN nuts! Why did you lie to me about the nuts? I demand groceries for life for the trauma of having to see WHOLE nuts! I have never seen WHOLE nuts before and it has left me blind!

Ms. Nut Eater

01-02-2012, 03:24 AM
My dear Mrs Nutball..I mean EATER, NUT EATER.
I fear for the well being of your husband.
We have started a "Save the nuts" fund, please stop by any time and let us know the name of your family doctor.

Manny Ger

Dear Books R Them
The nerve telling me that I can't smoke in the childrens section on "Read to asthmatic 4 year olds day"! That was one of my most favorite cigar,meant to be enjoyed by everyone within 100 yards!
Obviously your storytellers, security, manager, assistant manager and the police officers that were summoned are all wrong and I'm right.
Please do something about this or I will hold my breath until I turn blue!
Mr I Spendy Dolla

01-04-2012, 02:00 PM
Dear Mr. I Spendy Dolla,

You not only sent two children and one parent to the hospital with your careless smoking in our bookstore, you also set our sci-fi section on fire by carelessness. It is lucky for everyone that we keep a fire extinquisher. And by the way, did you know smoking inside of most public buildings had been banned? Well now you do. I am delighted to send you a bill for the books you ruined, in the amounts of two thousand dollars.

Signed Professor Joy De'Livre,
Owner of Undiscovered Treasures fine, rare, and vintage bookshop.


Dear Manager of Pizza Heaven,

Your store should be renamed Pizza Hell! On Christmas Eve, I called your pizza shop to have a delivery of ten Super-special pizzas sent to my house to take advantage of your great Christmas sale. But twenty minutes passed, and I simply had to go out and hit the big sale I heard about at the Little Shop of Horrors before the last of the Christmas bargains were all sold out! The t. v. said so! I needed to do my Christmas shopping anyway. When I come back, there is no pizza there. My six-year old daughter was home, alone, and she said you wouldn't take the check I wrote because she didn't have an i. d. Those pizzas were the dinner for my family for Christmas! I'll bet your good for nothing teenage pimple-faced delivery boy ate my whole pizza order himself! I was only gone for three hours buying my Christmas presents. I want my pizzas! I want them now! And I want them free! Make this right or I will call the radio station during the customer-fightback hour and tell everybody exactly what kind of business you run! How dare your brainless teenage boy not wait for me to be home, not take my check, and ask my daughter where her mother was! You ruined my Christmas. We all had to starve! My daughter never did get dinner, and when my relatives arrived later that night to stay in my house, no one was able to eat all Christmas Day, either! And I expect you to compensate me, because my ex-wife is now trying to get full custody of my daughter! Fix this, right now, or I'll get you but good!

Signed Mr. D. M. Bunny.

01-07-2012, 01:29 AM
Dear Mr. Bunny,

We require an adult to be present at the home when deliveries are made. Also, it was your own fault that you went shopping instead of waiting for the pizza. The employee who tried to deliver your pizzas returned them to the store untouched. Therefore, your requests are denied.


P. Izza

Dear Computer Store Owner,

I recently came into your store and there was an employee in a wheelchair at one of the checkouts. When I demanded a manager, a lady came over claiming to be the manager even though that's a man's position. I demand you fire all the women and the man in the wheelchair and hire only men that don't have any disabilities whatsoever. If you don't, I will take my business to a computer store that only hires men that can walk and talk like normal people.


D. I. Scriminate

01-08-2012, 12:40 AM
Dear Mr. Scrimnate,

I do not regret to inform you that I will not grant your request. Why not? Well, not only is your attitude blatantly discriminatory, but I would have to fire myself, as well, twice.

You see, not only am I female, but legally blind as well. (Are you laughing at the irony of my using the phrase "you see"?)

Now, I suppose you wonder how I am able to correspond with you. Are you guessing that I have a male assistant to read my e-mails, and I dictate a reply? Oh, wait, secretarial is a female job, isn't it?

You see, *snerk* with the wonders of modern technology, such as text-to-voice translation software, and Braille keyboards, I am able to function as capably as a non vision impaired person.

Now, I suppose, you are having a hard time believing that someone "like me" can communicate in such an intelligent manner. Well, I'm proud to say that I graduated at the top of my Business Administration class at a prestigious College, and that my store has been repeatedly recognized as a sales leader and customer satisfaction leader with in our large company, since I took over management of it five years ago. My "disabilities" and my employees "disabilities" not-withstanding.

Ima Moore-Abledthanyu
Computer Store Manager


Dear Animal Control Supervisor,

Recently I was visiting a local park with my precious dog, Fido.

I know there are signs all over stating that by City Law, all dogs must be leashed and under control at all times, and that there is an off-leash dog park about a mile away.

I don't believe that Fido should be leashed, as I have him under voice control at all times and he always minds me perfectly.

I have to say that I am extremely appalled at the conduct of your sub-ordinate, Officer Leashem. He had the unmitigated gall to cite me for having my dear Fido off leash, when someone else walking their dog on-leash, called and made a complaint against me.

This other person was all in a tizzy when my large, loving, playful Fido ran up to play with her little ankle biter. I am also upset that Officer Leashem didn't cite the other owner for attacking my Fido. (The other owner claims "self-defense", which Officer Leashem agreed with, and I am pursuing a Civil Suit against her). My Fido just wanted to play!!!!!!!1111111

If you don't fire Officer Leashem right away, and take back any pay and benefits he has received retroactive to the date of this incident, I will notify the Mayor, and you will be out of a job as well! (I have influence, as I have voted for this Mayor both times he has run for office, and I know he remembers me waving a sign at his rallies).

Dee Laws-Dontapplytome

01-15-2012, 05:05 AM
Dear Ms. Laws-Dontapplytome,

All dogs must be on a leash for safety reasons. Also, we have promoted Officer Leashem to Liuetenant.


A. N. Imal

Animal Control Supervisor

Dear Bank Manager,

I needed cash to take my girlfriend out for a special dinner so I came to your bank to get some money. I asked for $200 and your rude teller had the nerve to have me verify my information instead of giving me the money. It's illegal for the bank to not give customers the money they ask for. I want this rude teller fired and arrested or I will burn your bank vault.


B. R. Oke

01-16-2012, 10:36 PM
Dear B. R. Oke,

I am sorry to inform you that due to the threatening nature of your letter I am formally repsonding on behalf of 8th National Bank in reguards to your arson threat. As you may not know threatening a bank is a federal offense. Please present yourself to the federal court house for booking and confinement, in 2 days hence. Failure to do so will be met with immediate force.

Agent K. Butt


Dear manager of big box store,
I went into your store to buy my new tv. I had to wait OVER 4 hours for someone to come ask if I needed any help then was gone for anoter HOUR! just to come back and tell me that you have not carried that TV in 6 years!

your RUDE employee dared to tell me that the AD I had brought in for the sale was out of date...ok...maybe a day or so...but thats not the point!!!

I DEMAND the employee properly trained, a written and verbal appology from the manager, owner and the employee! as well as a $5000 gift card AND a comparable TV!!!!!!!!

Elvis Presley

Lace Neil Singer
01-19-2012, 12:47 AM
Dear Mr Presley,

We all thought you were dead and are pleased to see that it's not the case. However, the IRS are very interested and we thought it best to pass on your address to them. Have a nice life.

Mr Manager.


Dear manager of Crapcinema,

I wanted to take my daughter Cznofla'ke to see the new showing of the latest Disney film for her eleventh birthday. When we showed up, the clerk had the utter nerve to say to us that the movie was sold out. I demand a gift card and ample compensation for your employee utterly ruining my daughter's birthday. She cried all the way home cuz of your cruelty. Rest assured, I will be contacting the local paper.

Yours, Mrs Cantplanahead.

01-19-2012, 02:06 AM
Dear Ms Cantplanahead,

Your request is denied. Please find enclosed a copy of the latest DVD's R Us catalog, from which you can henceforth order any movie you want to watch--at home, where your inability to use common sense will not inconvenience anyone else. Oh, and my sympathies to your daughter for having you for a mother.

Ms. Hearditbefore, Manager of Mytown Cinema


Dear Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes,

Like the other day my friend and I were, like, shopping at your store, and we had like 25 things we wanted to try on, but ur bitchy saleswoman who was really old, like probably 40 OMG, well anyway she said we couldn't take more than 3 things in the fitting room. Well that's just like really stupid!! What does she thing we're going to do steal stuff OMG!! Just cuz we had like 12 things each I think thats 25 total right? Anyway so what? I spend a lot of money in ur store and I should be allowed to try on whatever I want and not get yelled at for leaving clothes on the floor, OMG ur like my mother!!!!!111 And it was really not cool to call the security people on us, just because we knocked over a couple of racks of ur crappy clothes I mean I was mad right? So what? So I want a gift card for like $10,000 and I want that old lady fired, she's too old to work in a store that sells stuff that I would wear!!!

Signed, Winnie Whiner

01-19-2012, 10:15 AM
Dear Winnie,

We are delighted to hear from you again! We thought that your parents had moved out of state, taking you with them, or had sent you to yet another school for problem children. Now, we discover that you have just turned eighteen years old, and we can take legal action against you for the damage you caused to our store. You see, Winnie, we have kept records of your actions in our store for several years now, waiting with bated breath for the day you achieved your eighteenth birthday. We even had a betting pool going, because many of the staff didn't believe you would live that long, your behavior being what it is.

Well, Winnie, happy birthday! You are banned from our store for life, and we are taking legal action against you and your friend (did you think we wouldn't know who she was, when the two of you scream to each other across the store every time you enter it?).

We are pleased to charge you with a multitude of offenses, and we want you to know that we have had a loud, joyous party to celebrate getting you out of our hair (as befits a louse).

By the way, Winnie, I don't know who is reading this to you, but I hope it's someone who can pronounce the words correctly, and who understands them. This leaves out the person who created (for lack of a better word) the email you sent us.

Manager of 2ExpensiveClothes



01-20-2012, 03:49 AM
Dear Manda,

Wow, I thought you were an Urban Myth! I guess you're real after all. That certainly explains the hellacious mess and my stressed out assistant manager, Ronda.

As for your request for "1000000000", well, you didn't specify what you wanted a billion of, so we'll be pouring one billion pebbles over your greasy head should you and your barbarian horde ever set foot in our establishment again.

Very sincerely,
Steele Backbone, store manager, Burnside Books and Cafe

* * *

Dear Chamber of Commerce,

I went to the local Nationwide Fabric Store to buy some fabric. I demanded the peon make multiple cuts of each of my fifteen different bolts of fabric that I am making into the most exquisite quilt. Well, the little prole behind the counter refused, saying it was against store policy and would hold up the line!

I could not believe it! I'm certain those twelve people waiting in line behind me wouldn't mind me getting my fabric specially cut, since I'm of much higher social standing than all of them put together, and especially the guttersnipes behind the counter! I informed them that I would be writing a letter of complaint, and here it is! I demand that you do something about it, for I am the customer and the center of the universe and my demands must be catered to!

Ann Flayted-Ego

Lace Neil Singer
01-21-2012, 12:09 PM
Dear Ms Flayted-Ego,

I feel that it's time for a little science lesson. You see, contrary to your own particular beliefs, the sun is the centre of the galaxy and not you. Also, I fail to see how losing twelve customers counts against losing just one, you. So goodbye, and feel free to visit their rival fabric shop, which is twice as expensive as Nationwide are so will therefore not have any queues at all.

I feel I must inform you that my wife's best friend runs Nationwide and is an extremely pleasant lady, not to mention an excellent businesswoman so I feel that telling you this is doing her a favour.

Yours insincerely,
Head of Chamber of Commerce.


Dear Manager of Crapmart,

I recently visited your store with my two children, Preshush and Speshul. I was appalled and disgusted to find that you only had five "Mother and child" parking places and that they were in the middle of the carpark, which is just not good enough. I am a mother and therefore I am the most important person in the entire universe and should not have to walk two yards to get to the supermarket. Also, two people who were almost certainly not mothers were parked either side of me, making it difficult for me to get my Giganticpointless brand stroller out of my SUV.

Imagine my disgust when I finally got to the entrance to see that you had eight disabled parking places right outside. Those lazy disabled people can surely walk a few more yards; most of them aren't really disabled anyway and are probably just using it as an excuse to skive off work. I demand that you put more "Mother and child" parking places where your disabled spaces are now, and put the disabled places on the other side of the carpark.

Mrs N. Titledmom

01-22-2012, 06:46 AM
Dear Mrs. Titledmom,

You're not any more important than the other mothers that shop at our store. Also, the disabled spaces need to be near the store since some of our customers are really disabled and can't walk great distances.


Store Manager

Dear Book Publishing Company Manager,

Where do you get off not publishing my book? All I did was send it in without using punctuation or spaces since that's the job of your editors. I demand you tell the editors to edit my book or they'll be fired. If you don't, I will hack into your website and download a horrible virus.


Mrs. Runonsentence

Grape The Cat
01-26-2012, 05:32 PM
Dear Ms. Runonsentence:
While our editors do edit manuscripts, they have no obligation to publish every submission that comes that they receive. Your manuscript did not make the cut because of the grammatical and spelling errors. Your threat to hack into our computer system has been reported to the authorities.
Reed Moore
CEO Moore & Moore Publishing

02-02-2012, 11:59 PM
Dear Ms. McBride,
Our establishment is happy to welcome wedding parties, provided they give us enough notice so that we can prepare for them. Perhaps next time you won't make assumptions. We're sure there will be a next time, since by now your husband has figured out what you're really like.

Mr. I. M. Awesome, Manager of Pub in the Park


Dear Towing Company aka Car Thieves!!

I live at the Expensive Gardens Apartment Complex and the other night I couldn't park in my spot because some lowlife parked there. So I parked across the street because there were lots of spaces at the Middling Pricey Apartments. And then one of YOUR tow drivers had the NERVE to tow my car! And even more nerve to demand I pay over a hundred dollars to get my own car back!! He had the gall to tell me I should have reported the person who parked in my spot, but why should that be MY responsibility!? And then I would have had to wait around until they came and towed that other car, and it was cold and windy outside. I'm a delicate flower and I can't be expected to endure such harsh conditions. I demand a full refund of my money and you should fire that tow driver!!

Ms. Epic Whiner

02-08-2012, 09:36 AM
Dear Ms. Whiner,

We reserve the right to tow any car that doesn't have permission to be at that particular location so your money won't be refunded. Also, we have promoted the tow truck driver and gave him a raise.


Mr. Towcar

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store with my 8 year old daughter so she could buy some candy as a reward for getting a perfect score on her math test. However, I was steamed when your rude employee told my daughter that she needed to wait in line. I demand you tell your employees to ring up children the second they come to the checkout since they're not as patient as adults. If you don't, I will take all your egg cartons and throw them all over the store.


P. R. Ecious

Grape The Cat
02-08-2012, 02:34 PM
Dear P.R. Ecious:
Your daughter is to wait in line like everybody else. If a customer allows her to go in front of them that is fine . However, We cannot allow people, whatever their age, to cut in line. Your threat to destroy merchandise in our store has been noted, and you are hereby banned from all our locations.
Patience S. Virtue
CEO Food Tiger Markets
Dear Pharmacy:
I was appalled at the level of service at one of your stores, when I , a loyal shopper for over twenty-five years went to your store. I went to the register and asked for a pack of cigarettes. Your rude, idiotic, inbred, uneducated, freak of an employee asked for my ID. Hello? I don't give anybody my ID!!! I am a loyal customer for twenty-five years!!! I don't need to show your employee ID!!! They are probably identity thieves anyway as only lowlifes with no education would work at a store like this. I demand that you fire this lowlife, and give me free cigarettes whenever I come to your store. I shop and drink wine with the mayor's wife, so if you do not do as I demand I will tell her and all the other woman in my circle all of whom are married to important men. I will also tell the media and write about your horrendous uneducated thugs on my blog.
Helena Handbag

02-08-2012, 10:27 PM
Dead Mrs Handbag,

just by the tone of your letter I can understand why our loyal cashier carded you, are act as if you are a child of 4.

as for our cashier? he is paying his way through medical school and has great promise for a long career, specializing in rectal/cranial reversion.

dr. dolittle

Dear call center for my credit card!

I am SIMPLY appalled by the gumstion your rude agent gave me in level of service! I acknowledge that it was my mistake the I over drafted my account by $5, but I mailed a check to your main branch in my town to bring the balance over the negative!

after 2 weeks of waiting my account is STILL in the negative, my money order for $50 is missing, and your RUDE agent had the balls to tell me that my card is only sponsered by the bank not an actual bank account!

oh and your rude employee was trying to STEAL my information! she kept asking for my social security number to pull up my account, even though I did not have my card number! I mean I'm using my friends phone, and NEVER give information like that over the phone because someone will steal my information, like your employee....she kept telling me that I had to mail the money to their department to get my account out of the negative, and that because I used a money order to pay to get my account out of the negative they have no idea where my money is!

I DEMAND you refund my $50 to my card to bring it out of the negative, AND fire the employee!

Ima Whiner

(except for demanding me being fired, this story is true....from just tonight)

02-16-2012, 07:45 AM
Dear Ms. Whiner,

The employee needed your social to verify that the account was yours and she was right about having to mail the money to the department. Therefore, we will not refund your money nor fire the employee.

B. Ank

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout where an employee was ringing up another employee, told him to stop ringing her up and check me out, and he had the nerve to tell me that she was first. You need to train your checkers to not ring up employees when there are customers. Your employees are there to serve me and customers come first. If you continue to allow your checkers to ring up employees and not stop the order when a customer comes to the line, I will start a fire in the back of the store.


S. P. Ecial

Lace Neil Singer
02-16-2012, 01:06 PM
Dear Ms Ecial,

Feel free to start a fire in the store; we are fully insured and the local fire station is only just round the corner. However, I doubt that you would enjoy the free ride to the local police station that you would receive, or the free pair of metal bracelets for committing an act of arson. Then again, it's unlikely you'll ever get the chance, as I have personally banned you from ever entering my store again.

Yours insincerely,

Mr Store Owner.


Dear manager of CheapoClothes,

I was recently in your store when my six year old daughter needed to go to the loo. True, she first asked to go about half an hour ago, but I was busy shopping. I asked your manager if Preshush could use the staff loo; the manager had the audacity to refuse and say she could lose her job if she let my daughter go out back. I am shocked and appalled, as the manager is obviously implying that Preshush is a thief. I demand compensation and for the manager to be tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail.


Mrs Helen Highwater.

02-27-2012, 07:45 AM
Dear Mrs. Highwater,

How can you be so insensitive? When your daughter needs to go to the loo, you should go take her? Shopping can wait. The bathroom can't. I should know, since I'm a diabetic.

As for why the manager disallowed your daughter from going to the bathroom, I asked Charity about this, and on the day that you were shopping, we had the electrician in to do some repairs to our faulty wiring. Your daughter, wandering back their on her own, could have been severely hurt. She was trying to protect your daughter from harm. Nobody accused you of anything until Davey, our part-time sales rep, noticed you slipped a shirt in your purse and attempting to walk out without paying for it. He said the lavender shirt was sticking out of your black and white purse and it made a ghastly color combination he would never wear. And as Charity pointed out to you, we have a public restroom at the front of the store. You simply said it wasn't good enough because there was a paper towel on the floor.

Since you like that shirt so much, you can have it, along with the makeup you also attempted to swipe, but left open. The shirt, I should warn you now, is no longer lavender anymore. Now it's color is . . . well, it's lavender here and it's beige there and it's olive green there and . . . You can also have one our most special cards. The B. A. N. Program card. Just show it to the first employee you see when you come to our store and they'll know what to do.

As for having Charity tarred, feathered, or run out of town on a rail, I would never do that! Even if I wanted to, my wife would kill me, as Charity is our eldest daughter. This is a family business, you see. Even Davey is a member of our family. He married my son, Courage.

So, have a nice day.

Mr. Justice & Mrs. Mercy Forthright,
Owner & Co-owner of CheapoClothes, discount fashions for the underpriviledged but deserving.


Dear Queen of Spades Restaraunt:

My son, my daughter and I were going out for our shopping trip as I do every Saturday morning. During the four hours that we were at Voldemart, my children became hungry and demanded I buy them lunch. So after my shopping there was done an hour later, I left with them. Well, as I was driving to the next place I intended to shop at, my children saw your restaraunt out the window. Since I'd never set foot inside your restaraunt before, I decided I wanted to try it. So I drove in, and we placed an order. Did you know your restaraunt reminds me of a pack of cards? Why did you do that? It's so bright, but at least this Queen with a spear and a shawl is everywhere.

Well, quite simply, the place had so many games and it was so fun and relaxed, that I decided to allow my children to eat their pizza, and go play in your arcade. I simply informed a waitress and took off to continue my shopping. An hour and a half later, I'm getting an irate telephone call from a nurse who I don't even know! She tells me that I'm a bad mother for leaving my children behind at a restaraunt! And that she's already called C. P. S., and she also said she strongly suggested to the restaraunt's manager that he ring up the police. How dare she?

Who does she think she is? I've never had this happen before! Why, I've left my children somewhere fun dozens of times while I finished doing my shopping and came back to get them later that night. I demand you fire that busy-body nurse, and compensate me! And I want my son and daughter back this minute, complete with plenty of free food so I don't have to cook for them!

Signed Miss Nancy Elaine Glectful-Parent.

03-09-2012, 01:58 AM
Dear Miss Glectful-Parent,

You need to take responsibility for your children and we have no authority to fire the nurse. Until you do, you will not get your children back or special treatment.


Q. U. Eencard

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire my daughter for not showing up for work. I told her that she could work the shifts she wanted and didn't have the work the ones she didn't. I demand you rehire my daughter and allow her to work whenever she chooses. If you don't, I will burn down your store.


Mrs. Casual

04-16-2012, 04:12 AM
Envelope has been returned to Mrs. Casual due to lack of stamp. Mrs. Casual puts on a stamp and remails the letter shown above.

04-16-2012, 08:44 AM
Dear Mrs Casual,

Your daughter's attitude to her schedule was not the only thing she was casual about; she was careless about everything, including giving the right change, having enough buttons fastened, and even her own personal hygiene. When she wasn't trying to hit on the more attractive male customers she would constantly yammer on about everything that was going on in her life and in yours (I hope the outbreak of boils has cleared up now, by the way).

It had got to the point where no other employee would work within 200 metres of her. They didn't even mind having to cover for her frequent absences, as they would rather have her work than her company. The final straw was when she failed to show up for the annual stocktake, which all staff must attend for, and couldn't even be bothered to phone her usual feeble excuse in. So no, your daughter will not get her job back. Not that she ever bothered to do it in the first place.

Your threat of arson has been noted and passed on to the local police. They sounded very interested.

Yours sincerely,

U. Kango-Andwistle,
Store Manager.

Dear Manager of Countryside Store,

I am writing to complain about the disgraceful treatment I received yesterday from one of your till operators. I had just popped in to collect my copy of 'Duchess Weekly' and the queue at the newagent counter had at least 2 people waiting to be served. Well of course I wasn't going to wait that long, so I just went across to the nearest checkout and handed my money to the cashier there.

That insolent little girl had the temerity to tell me that she couldn't take my payment for the magazine! When I demanded to know why not, she said that the newsagent was a separate business! That's ridiculous! Everyone knows that you are one big store! Then she said something about a 'concession' - I wasn't asking for a concession, I just wanted to pay for my magazine!

I threw the magazine at her and walked out. How dare she treat a loyal paying customer like that? It's quite obvious that she just wanted to get out of doing any work.

I want that horrible girl fired and five years' free subscription to any magazine of my choice.


Mrs I Maharridan.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-16-2012, 09:23 PM
Dear Maharridan:

We have consulted with the publisher of Duchess Weekly, and they have agreed to give you a free five-year subscription to their newest title. And what's more, they want to make you the cover story of their newest title's first issue!

Enclosed please find a number to call to set up an appointment for the People To Laugh At correspondent to come interview you for the story.


Ida Publisher


Dear Crap 'R Us:

Your store refused to accept my internet coupon good for one (1) free Xbox 360. Said something about it being "counterfeit" or some shit.

Counterfeit my fuckin' ass! I got it of the internet! It has to be good!

Accept my coupon and give me my free Xbox 360 or else I shall forever torment your staff with my social ineptitude and my gamer funk. Or sue you. Whatever.

Joe D. Gamer

04-17-2012, 12:54 PM
Dear Mr. Gamer,

The coupon is fake. I've seen them before; it's a tacky cut and paste job from Word with a barcode stolen from a can of Green Giant Peas.

Thank you for the heads-up. We have the five-gallon drum of industrial-strength detergent and the firehose on standby. We're ready to meet you!

Ty D. Andclean, manager,
Crap 'R Us


Dear Manager,

I love that show Extreme Couponing and wanted to try it out. I dug through every dumpster in my complex, clipped every coupon I could find and brought them in with me on my next shopping trip.

I can't believe you wouldn't accept my coupons for toothpaste, dish soap, frozen dinners, hair color and everything else! Yes, the only thing I bought was one box of cereal, your point? You get the money back anyway, why wouldn't you take my coupons and give me money for them?

I demand that you take all my coupons and give me the money without me having to buy the products or I will go to the media about your horrible service!

Anita Clue

04-18-2012, 02:49 AM
Dear Ms. Clue,

Coupons are only good if you have the product and it's not expired. Therefore, we won't take accept any coupons if you don't have the proper items.


Store Manager

Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I had to quit because you ran out of hours for me. I felt that I was great at the job. Enclosed is a check for the patio that collapsed because the customer didn't build it right. I gave him specific instructions on what to do. The customer shouldn't have sued because I'm an expert at building. Therefore, if possible, I want to come back to work for you.


James Wonder

04-20-2012, 08:15 PM
You didn't quit, you were fired. Cardboard, wood glue and ground coffee are not building materials for any structure, especially not for a solid granite patio and veranda.

Ace, Hardware Store Manager
P.S. A check should actually have a bank associated with it.


Farmasi Manerjar,
Dude, i totally have that glock conan stuff mentioned in your panfilets. I reeeeealy need a good hookup.

B. Stonerd

Victory Sabre
04-22-2012, 10:52 PM
Dear Mr. Stoned.

If you need a "hookup" there's online sites to get an "intimate encounter".

Until you are able to tell me what you want, or need, besides that, please don't contact us anymore. Your messages will be ignored.

I. M. Manager

Dear lottery commission.

I came into your headquarters a few days back with the winning Mega Millions ticket. I presented said ticket to the peon at the front desk and told them I want my $680 million, and I want it NOW!

I was shocked and horrified when the stupid peon told me that the ticket was not the winning ticket.

Apparently the ignorant peon hasn't heard that the "customer is always right". I told her (or maybe it was a him) that the ticket was the winning ticket. That should have been enough for the stupid fool. He said some tripe along the lines "winning tickets must be validated", or some BS like that.

I told the lame ass loser, who, probably, hadn't even graduated high school, that I had several PHD's, and was smarter than him. I also told the desk jockey that I refused to leave without my $680 million.

Imagine my surprise when I was arrested for standing up for my rights. As a lawyer, who has several law degrees, I know my rights.

In closing, I DEMAND that the pathetic loser be executed. I DEMAND compensation in the form of 10 billion dollars. As a Priest, with several Theological degrees, I DEMAND that the POPE apologize for this insult toward me.

Yours truly

Orwin Carl David Gambler

04-24-2012, 07:11 PM
Dear Mister Orwin Carl David Gambler,

You did not have the winning ticket. Thus, you lost the game. Therefore, you are not entitled to one orange penny of the money. I will not be firing my employee, who, by the way, is only three credits away from completing med school. And we have no intention of giving you ten million dollars, after the way you threw a tantrum and broke our windows by throwing a brick. As for the Pope, ask him yourself. But we will be happy to give you one thing - a ban.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."

Dear Pizza Heaven:

I went into your restaraunt yesterday, in order to take advantage of your buffet special. But I was told that you didn't have a buffet special, and I was forced order a medium pizza. I specifically told them I wanted the meat fanatic pizza, but without any of the meat. Of course I didn't tell the waitress that. She's supposed to know telepathically. What did I find when I got my pizza? The ditz got it wrong. It had pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ham . . . I was so disgusted that after I ate my pizza, I kept a peperoni and decided to voice my complaint to the waitress. Her name is Elaine, and I want her sacked! She's the worst waitress in the world! She had the nerve to behave as if a child's birthday party with a dozen of his friends and their parents were more worthy of her attention than I was. There was no reason she couldn't drop everything and pay attention to me. All she did was bring me my pizza and my drinks, but she wouldn't listen to my complaints because a child ran out the door and she went to help his parent go catch it. How dare she ignore me! I got so mad, when she came back to me, I spilled my drink on her. And then your store's manager told me he didn't approve of anyone assaulting his niece, and that I could get out. I told him about my pizza, showed him the pepperoni, and really let him have it. And do you know what that jerk did? He called the cops! Instead of Pizza Heaven, you should call the place Pizza Hell. I demand Elaine and that manager be fired, I demand free pizza for a year, and I demand that you give me free coupons to your buffet.

Mr. Herr Ih Kane.

04-29-2012, 11:34 PM
Dear Mr. Kane,

If you don't want meat on your pizza, you need to say so. We've also never had a buffet special and no one forced you to order a medium pizza. Also, the waitress needed to keep an eye on the children so they wouldn't get hurt. The mother with the child that escaped was grateful that Elaine was able to help so the mother got a gift card. You, on the other hand, will be getting nothing, and the manager and Elaine won't be getting fired. We have given both of them a raise and you are now banned from the restaurant.


Angel Pizza

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to the checkout, told the employee to pack my groceries, and she had the nerve to tell me that I had to pack them myself. That's her job, not mine. She rang up my groceries and wouldn't pack them so I was forced to pack them myself. I want this employee retrained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and my next order for free or I'll shop online from now on.


Lacey Bagger

Lace Neil Singer
05-09-2012, 12:38 AM
Dear Ms Bagger,

I am sorry to inform you that we no longer have our cashiers bag for customers. This is in order to keep the lines running smoothly. If you had a disability or a problem other than entitlement, you could have asked the cashier nicely to put out a call for a bagger. Since you didn't do that, then I'm afraid I cannot help you.

Yours, Mr Supermarket Manager.

PS Our prices are cheaper than anywhere you can find online, so tho I wish you'd shop elsewhere, I'm thinking that is probably a vain hope.


Dear Petrol Station Manager,

Yesterday was a Bank Holiday and I decided to go and fill up my car at 7:35pm. Much to my anger and disgust, the lazy employees refused to allow me to do this! They'd even blocked off the entrance with cones, which I had to drive over in order to get on to the forecourt. The employee I talked to, who was outside spitefully locking up the pumps so that I couldn't use them, told me that since it was a Bank Holiday, they closed at 7:30.

The utter nerve of that girl! She was obviously lying, and shutting up early so that she and her equally lazy collegue could go home early. I deduce this from the fact that she had three upper ear piercings and hair dyed pink. Everyone knows that the petrol station closes when I want it to do so, cuz I'm the customer and I'm always right. Anyway, it's not as tho these peons have a life outside of work, is it? I demand that you retrain these employees, and allow me to fill my Pointlessgiant SUV for free.


Mrs U. N. Reasonable.

05-09-2012, 04:52 AM
Dear Mrs. U. N. Reasonable.

After reviewing the tapes, I see that my staff did everything exactly as they should. The reason they closed up a little early is because some idiot ruptured a fuel tank, spilling everywhere, then tried to light up a cigarette. My two employees had to shut off the pumps and cordon off the station.

Latisha, the one with pink hair and earrings, has a mother with a chronic illness that requires someone be with her all the time. Even five minutes alone could be fatal to her, and since it was a bank holiday, Latisha's mother's caretaker was leaving at eight. So I told Latisha she could leave at seven thirty.

As for my other staff, Wallace, he is only a teenager, so I can't keep him too late at night.

I will not be giving you free gas. Certainly not after the way you tried to drive right over Wallace as he was trying to prevent a big fire! But we did get a fabulous picture of your license plate. The police have been notified of your vehicular assault attempt on a teenager.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."


Dear Booger King:

I went to your eatery today, and after all I did was stand there innocently and mull over my choices, your rather rude employees began to shout at me and demanded I pick what I want now or get out of the line. Now, I didn't see any line behind me, and the employees did nothing but chat amongst themselves on headsets, so why should I be rushed when I get to the register?

Now, I asked for my food in the normal way, making just a little change here and there. Your employees behaved as if I were expecting them to make me a three course banquet with the pickiest of ingredients. It was just lunch for me, and a dozen of my co-workers. There was no need for their rudeness and snide remarks. Why, I almost shouted back, but I kept my calm and patience.

Then I tried to pay with a ten dollar bill, but the cashier rudely told me it wasn't enough. I offered him a twenty, and it still wasn't enough. Then I ran Myra . . . my credit card, and it refused. So when he turned his head to chat with a girl employee, I gave him a dollar bill, took my food, and left. Surely you can understand why I'm asking now for the refund of my dollar bill. After what your staff put me through, I wouldn't mind being given some complimentary food tickets as well.

Thank you so much.
Phil T. Lyore.

05-30-2012, 03:32 AM
Dear Mr. Lyore,

If you weren't ready to order, you should've stood to the side before getting in line. Also, your changes caused the bill to be $80. Since you took the food without paying the full amount, you will be charged with theft. You are now banned from the restaurant.

B. Urger

Dear Department Store Manager,

I came to return some underwear and your rude employee told me that they don't accept returns on underwear. I was steamed so I threw the underwear on the floor, and then threw myself on the floor and started pounding the floor, kicking my legs, and screaming at the top of my lungs. Next thing I knew, I was in a police car. I demand you fire the rude employee, drop the charges, and allow returns on all items or I will come to your store wearing nothing.


Mrs. Tantrum

05-31-2012, 11:26 PM
Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

Now now, dear, we mustn't act up when we don't get our way. Use your words and ask nicely, and know that we can't always get what we want.

Enclosed is a nice new pacifier and cuddly soft blankie. Use them as often as you need to, and when you do grow up, you can come shop at our store again.

Nanny McPhee, manager,
Poppins' Department Store


Dear movie theater manager,

Me and my three- and five-year old kids were up late last night and decided to go to a movie. We went to your midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I had such an awful experience!

Most of the other moviegoers were wearing the most outlandish getups! Some of them weren't even decent! Men in fishnet stockings, women with their bosoms popping out of sequined corsets...what on earth are they thinking?! And how dare they wear such things in front of my little precious children! How will I explain this to them?!

And when the movie started, we couldn't even enjoy it because more costumed idiots were goofing around in front of the screen, and the entire audience was yelling loudly. More than once I demanded that they shut up so we could hear the dialogue, but they ignored me. Several around me laughed at me, and one person bounced a roll of toilet paper off my head!

I am horribly upset by my experience. I demand my money back, another million dollars for the counseling me and my precious children will need, and insist that you ban such perverts from your movie theater from now on!

Anita Clue

06-02-2012, 09:31 PM
Dear Ms. Clue,

Your children should've been in bed and were too young for the movie. I'm sorry for your experience but you won't be getting anything for us.


M. Ovie
Theater Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store and your front end was very rude. The checkers were cleaning their registers and stocking candy when they're supposed to stay in their registers. When I went over to an open register, the rude employee told me to load my groceries onto the belt. I threw a box of candy at her and stormed out with my groceries without paying for them. I demand you train your employees to wait on important customers like me hand and foot. If you don't, I will come back and take as many items as I want and not pay for them.


I. M. Portantshopper

07-02-2012, 05:59 AM
I. M. Portantshopper has received an e-mail stating that the letter was sent to the wrong e-mail address. I. M. Portantshopper finds the correct e-mail address and resends the letter shown above.

07-02-2012, 07:50 AM
Mr. Portantshopper,

The employee did tell you to put the groceries on the belt, along with the lane closed sign. You see, it was eight fifteen and my store closes at eight, with everyone remaining until eight thirty to get the place clean and prepped for the next day's opening. You ignored the manager's frequent calls for shoppers to come to the front before eight, and the only reason you came up at all is because security found you and directed you to the registers.

We calculate that you have cost us nearly three hundred dollars in stolen goods, and have turned the matter over to the police. Luckily for us, you told security your name when you talked to them. Expect a friendly visit from the boys in blue.


Miss No-Non Sence,

Owner of Flavor of Hong Kong grocery store.


Dear Route 77 Hotel:

I am the mother of seven children. Me and my family showed up last week at midnight, exhausted from a long drive where we hadn't eaten in since six that night. When we get there, I practically have to throw a fit to get your horribly rude clerk there, Alice, to give us a hotel room. She demands that I buy three rooms! Three, I tell you! I do it, and even though she gives me a discount, I don't think it's enough, putting up, first with the drive, and then my bratty kids, and the vacation from Hell, and now this Alice woman!

But my eldest daughter, step-daughter, really, damned fifteen year old, she thinks she knows everything. She begs me to go ahead and take Alice's deal so we can get a place to sleep, and I do it. But I'm not happy. Well, I'm awakened at noon by hotel security. How dare they knock on my door, holding my beloved twin boys Adolph and Benito, in his hands. It seems Adolph and Benito followed one of my other sons, George, and the three of them decided to run wild around the hotel. It's not my fault the boys tore up everything they could. Boys will be boys. My stepdaughter was supposed to be watching them.

When I found her, she gave me the excuse that she was trying to save my youngest daughter from drowning in the pool. My step-daughter told me that the pool wasn't even open and she was trying to find all the kids so she could order lunch for them when she saw my precious Angelica dive in the pool. Where was the lifeguard? My other daughter and my other son, at least, stayed with my step-daughter and didn't make any mistakes.

Then your manager expects me to pay! Well, I get the kids, and we drive off. Except for my step-daughter. I forgot her at the hotel, but that's no loss. A few good weeks left on her own will fix her attitude but good. But how dare your staff be so rude? No, I didn't pay the bill. I told my step-daughter to do it, and drove off with all the kids but her. I even swiped her father's credit card from her first.

I demand recompense for this horrible service!


Lou See Mother.

07-16-2012, 10:51 PM
Dear Lou See Mother,

It's your responsibility to watch your children and your stepdaughter was doing a great job. We have called CPS on you and are sending you a bill for the damages your sons caused. Your stepdaughter is staying with me until we can find a foster home for her. She is welcome at the hotel anytime but you and the rest of your family are banned from the hotel.


Hotel Manager

Dear Candle Shop Manager,

I recently bought one of your herbal scented candles. When I got home, I put the candle on a small ceramic plate, lit the candle, and laid down on the sofa to take a nap. When I woke up a few hours later, the candle had melted on the plate. I demand you replace this defective candle with an herbal scented candle that won't melt or I will come to your store, light all the candles, and knock them over.


Mrs. Candle

07-17-2012, 02:52 AM
Dear Mrs. Candle,

Judging from your letter, the candle worked exactly as it was supposed to. Candles melt, have done so since their invention two thousand years ago. That's pretty much the whole point of the candle, to melt so as to fuel the flame. A non-melting candle would be defective, not the one you used.

Thank you so much for letting us know how well our candles work. Have a lovely day!

Perry Finn-Wax, manager,
Chandler's Candle Shop

* * * * *

Deer Grossury Storr Ownur,

Ah wuz shoppin an neded sum cereal. Ther wer three employes standing round doin nothin, so I ignored them an went to the gal stockin olive oil on the shelf. Ah stood behind her an sed nothin, and she dint sea me, jus kep stockin.

So Ah yelled HEY! An she jumped! An nokked bout five jars of oil off the shelf! An spun round tot sea me, an slipped an fell on her fat ass! Well, durn if it wernt the funniest thing Ah ever saw! Ahm laffin mah head off, and she grabs her radeo an calls 4 help!

So Ah grab her radeo and yell YAH COM HELP HER SHES TO STOOPID TO STOCK A SHELF RAGHT an shes all cryin cause Ahm squooshin her hand thats holdin the radeo. An she cut herself on the glass an bled all over the flor but that aint important. Anyway Ah tells her GET A SENS OF HUMUR HUNNY WHARS YORE CUSTUMUR SERVISE SKILLS?

Then a bunch of employes grab me an korral me to the ofice, and the hed honcho calls the polise an haz me arested for a salt! That is no way to run a storr! You giv the custumur what he want, an treet him like a king!

Gimme a millin dolarrs an that gals phone numbr (she got a fat ass, but shes cute) an maek her go on a date with me an I might continoo to shop ther.

Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

07-19-2012, 06:43 AM
Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

After sending your letter to a linguist to interpret it, we believe we now understand what you were saying to us.

The cameras show us that you saw three of our employees standing around doing nothing except having a smoke. When we asked them why, they informed us that they were on their lunch break, which the CSM confirmed.

Poppy was stocking the oil, as you said, when you screamed at her. Of course she jumped from fear. We don't know how you do things where you come from, but here, screaming in public is not considered polite.

Now, let me get this straight. Someone gets themselves injured on your behalf, and your response is to laught at them? Then to snatch their radio when they call for help? That is shameful, not amusing.

Customer service does not lend itself to being abused by people. Our staff indeed did come to Poppy's defence, and Tasha was right to ring up the police. We don't have a king anymore, but we do have a queen. She and her family get the royal treatment should they elect to shop here. You do not.

We have no intention of giving you £638700, or the million dollars we think you requested in your dollars. Though we will not be giving you Poppy's phone number, you can be expecting a call from her soclicitor. She intends to seek aid from the courts. At least she doesn't have to worry about medical bills, or you'd be out that much money, too.

Having seen you in our store on camera, I think I can now safely say I understand the meaning of "ugly American," for which I almost want to thank you. We hereby ban you from the store, though since you were merely a tourist, we doubt we're going to see you again. So we freely invite you to shop somewhere else, with our blessing.

Respectfully yours,
George Dragonrose,
Owner of Lioncrest Grocers,
Manchester, England.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop.

I am writing you this letter to tell you just how angry I am with you. Your store is a combination of a pharmacy and an herbal remedy shop, at least that's what you claim. I visited your shop searching for pot, and when I asked your employee, Fern, if she had pot, she led me to some gardening pots. I demanded she lead me to the real pot, and do you know what she did? She suggested I leave! I refused, saying that I needed to refill my prescription for Palladone, so she directed me to the pharmacy half of the store.

Fern went up to the counter and began whispering something to the technician, then left. After waiting an agonizing hour, I pushed an old lady out of the line and walked over her so that I would be next. The cashier and the technician were very rude. They seemed disgusted with me and wanted the lady to go ahead of me. I ignored them and gave them my prescription.

The cashier looked it over, and he gave it to the technician. She looked at it, too, and gave it to the pharmacist. I saw the technician and the pharmacist talking for a minute, and then the technician comes back and tells me they can't fill my prescription here. I very politely tell them that it comes from Dr. X, and that I've been on this for years. The pharmacist asks me what sort of pain I have, and I tell him that I don't have any pain, I just need my medicine.

At this point, the pharmacist snatches the prescription and tells me to leave. Meanwhile, the cashier has left his register to go help the old lady stand up. She's throwing a fit, crazy old biddy, claiming she's in pain. The cashier calls the pharmacist, and he runs to check the lady. He feels her leg up, how inappropriate can you get? He calls to the tech and tells her to call the paramedics. I ask them when they're going to get around to actually helping their customer?
"I am," the pharmacist says. "Get out!"
How dare he backtalk me! I get so angry that I use my baseball bat and start smashing up the store until I broke everything. I told them I wouldn't go until I was given my Palladone. I grab Fern and demand that the pharmacist give me what I want, so he finally.

I take it and leave with Basil, one of your employees who tried to stop me. I taught him good, hitting him in the head, then grabbing him. He's screaming, so I telling him to shut up. But the next thing I know, the teacher from the karate school next door comes out with a couple of her students. She grabs Basil away from me, and gives him to her students, who take him away. Then she kicks away my bat and beats me up with her crazy karate until the police arrive. Who does she think she is? Batgirl? And how dare they arrest me? She's the who's committing assault! They didn't do a thing to her, but they arrested me like I was some criminal!

I demand compensation, full payment of my medical and legal bills, that Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop drop all charges against me, and that I be given a lifetime supply of Palladone. If I don't get these things, I'm coming back, with a friend of mine who likes to make big bombs!

Doug Addikt.

08-07-2012, 05:46 AM
Dear Mr. Addikt,

The lady that you pushed was before you and you caused her to go to the hospital. We are also not dropping the charges and you are banned from the store while the karate teacher gets a gift card for helping us out.


Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was checking out, I screamed at the checker, called her horrible names, and told her that she should be lucky to have a job. When she broke down like a baby, I laughed my head off. Your supervisor had the nerve to send her away, cancel my order, and tell me to leave. You need to tell your employees that they are required to put up with customers like me or I will hack into your system and change the prices.


A. B. User

08-13-2012, 04:31 PM
Dear Mr. A. B. User: This is a family-run store. That manager was my son and the cashier was his daughter.

Thank you for alerting us to your intentions to hack our systems and wreck our prices. Security has been beefed up and the F. B. I. has been notified. They should be visiting you quite soon.

Signed: Matilda 'Grandma' McMulligan,
Owner of Emerald Ilse mercantile.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Crafty Magic store:

I went to your store the other day with people from my church to throw eggs, tomatoes, and rocks at your store and to carry protest signs and sing Bible hymns. But as we grabbed one of your employees and tried to burn him at the stake, he protested that your store was nothing but a stationary, fabric, sewing & quilting, scrapbooking, and crocheting stores. We refused to believe him.

As we set him on fire, your manager came out and turned the hose on us! How dare she? Two more employees came out, one with a cell phone and one with a camera, and they kept shooting us. We were about to grab them, too, but the police showed up. The police must be corrupt because they ignored our words and arrested us all!

I demand compensation and that your store close down! And that you pay our bails and drop the charges.

Signed, Rev. Funn. D. Mentalist,
On behalf of Church of Holier Than Thou.

09-14-2012, 10:51 AM
Dear Rev. Funn D. Mentalist,

The employee you set on fire was correct about what we sell and is in the hospital. Therefore, your requests are denied.


C. R. Aft

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I put my propane tank in a cart and brought it inside to do some shopping. When I got to the checkout, your rude supervisor told me that the propane tank wasn't allowed in the store and that I had to go to the service desk for the propane tank exchange. The checker was able to add the propane tank exchange to my transaction and arrange for another employee to help me out. I want the supervisor trained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and the checker to be promoted or I'll take my business to a store that allows propane tanks inside.


P. R. Opane

10-09-2012, 10:02 PM
Letter has been returned to P. R. Opane due to wrong address. P. R. Opane corrects the address and resends the letter shown above.

10-29-2012, 06:40 AM
Dear P. R. Opane,

It's against safety regulations to bring propane tanks indoors. Therefore, your requests are denied.


Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came up to the checkout with 4 dozen cans of corn and your rude checker told me that 4 cans was the limit. I was steamed so I threw the cans at the checker and stormed out. I want the checker fired for being rude to me and for the store to stop putting limits on items. If you don't, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Greedy

Andrew B.
10-30-2012, 02:52 PM
Dear Mrs. Greedy,

There has been a corn shortage in the area for the last couple months and it is a fast selling item. We had to put up a limit to help keep up with demand without raising our prices too much.

As for the employee, we will not fire her, and she has gone to the police to make a formal complaint. Thank you for giving us your name and address to help with the process.

Lucky Day


Dear Toys-B-We,

I was wanting to get the new My Diminutive Equine toys for my daughter when I saw several grown men purchacing several of these toys.

How dare you let these obvious child molestors into your store. I demand you forbid them from entering and a $5,000 dollar gift card for my pain and suffering.

Peri Noid

10-30-2012, 07:17 PM
Dear Mr. Noid,

Of course you saw a bunch of grown men purchasing them! It was Christmas Eve, and all of these men have 2 things in common: Daughters, and a tendency to shop at the last minute. You have endured neither pain nor suffering from this, so you shall not be getting a gift card. But I will give you a telephone number: 1-800-999-9999. It's the open line to my therapist.



Laytoya 'Toy' Jacks.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear World of Terror Halloween fun show:

We were walking through your place with our children on Halloween night, and what happened? We were attacked by horrible monsters! They came out and tried to touch my family! One of them even had the nerve to say boo! Your people are so horrible, they made my daughter cry! She's only two and a half years old. You have no right to scare little kids like that! It's inexcusable!

I demand that you apologize and give me five thousand dollars, or I'll sue! And my brother's hairdresser's cousin is studying law, so he'll mop the floor with you!


Lackinal Judgment.

10-30-2012, 10:53 PM
Dear Mr. Judgement,

Seriously?! You took a toddler to a show advertised as "Extremely Frightening, Recommended for ages 13 and over" and you're surprised that she got scared?!

I will not be refunding your purchase price. I will, however recommend a very good remedial reading class. Please find the information enclosed, and have someone read it to you.

Frank Enstein, owner,
World of Terror Halloween fun show

* * * * *

Dear ShopMart,

Your store at 123 Main Street is liquidation because it is moving to a new location. Well, I went there last Saturday night to get some household appliances, and you didn't have anything that I wanted! In fact, your store was about three-quarters empty and had nothing in it but junk nobody would ever want, even at 90% off!

I am very disappointed that you didn't stock your store. I demand that you give me $50,000 for my inconvenience.

Kent Understand-Concept

10-31-2012, 09:21 AM
Dear Kent Understand-Concept,

We are liquidating the store, therefore there will be no stocking and I am afraid we'll be unable to offer you any money. Actually, I'm quite glad about that part. We're not able to even order for stores that are liquidating! Please try to remember this in future.

Clark U. Onnahead, Store Manager
Toasters n' Coffeemakers


Dear Megamartamus,

The other day I was in line and kept repeatedly being told by the cashier that the line was closed. She had been chatting with the person in front of me and complaining that she had been standing there for 4 hours with no break, too, so I was doubly offended and told her as much. Imagine my horror when she had the nerve to say that she could not control what offended me.

I want her fired immediately and I wish to be compensated for my trouble!

~Dumassa Hatrack

11-04-2012, 10:35 AM
Dear Ms. Hatrack,

Our investigation into this event indicates that the person the cashier was speaking to was an assistant manager who had just happened to have finished a consumer out with their gun purchase and was returning to his office when the cashier called him over to inform him she had been passed up for break - again.

Corrective action is being taken - against a CSM who continually refuses to send employees to their breaks and keeps them waiting. But the despicable things you said to the cashier, in the presence of the assistant manager, is probably why the assistant manager called from security to have you escorted out. The cashier had done nothing wrong. We should know - the assistant manager was right there by her side during your entire tirade. You are banned until you apologize to our employee for your abusive language.

G. Y. Ent, Store Manager.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Scent of Heaven,

I went into your store the other day to go out and buy some of your wonderful Pumpkin Spice handsoap on Halloween. But when I get there, you allow some teenage girl, who dressed like a skank, to buy the last bottle. I tried to take it from her, because I am a high-class lady and she's just a teen brat. Disrespectful girl took it back and purchased it, then had the nerve to ask the clerk for a gift box because it was a surprise present for her overstressed mother. Present indeed! And your clerk, Kevin, had the nerve to take the girl's side despite all my protests. He must be gay to work in a place like yours.

Keeping his eyes on me, he walks the girl to the door, and only after she's gone does he return to me and offer to help me. I complain about the girl taking the last bottle of Pumpkin Spice handsoap. Kevin calls for a lady, Bernadette, and asks her to go check in the back if there's anymore Pumpkin Spice, while he takes me around the store and tries to trick me into buying other things. He shows me the Pumpkin Spice perfume, massage gel, and bar of soap, and shows me several other handsoaps. He even brings me one he says is brand new, the Cinnamon Surprise, which looks all Christmassy. It's Halloween! I don't want Christmassy! Naturally, I smack it out of his hand, and watch it as it crashes and explodes everywhere. This makes me feel so good that I start throwing all the bottles I can. Kevin tries to stop me, until a bottle hits his head. Lazy worker passes out. Bernadette comes back, saying she found one bottle, but then she sees me throwing other things, and her good for nothing homo co-worker sleeping, and instead of being a good girl and giving me the bottle, she grabs a phone and calls the police! The police!

Of course, I take the bottle and run. Or try to, but I slip on some Triplemint Sister shampoo that was in a glob on the floor, and I crash into the door. I still run, mainly because Bernadette then starts trying to help that lazy gay boy.

I demand a lifetime supply of Pumpkin Spice handsoap, full payment for my medicals bills because I slipped and fell, a thousand dollar gift card, that you fire Kevin and Bernadette, and that you have someone around to clean up! Your store's a complete mess! All that bodywash, gel, soap, and shampoo all over the place makes a very slick floor!


Oh no you don't! You won't trick me! I won't give you my name! I'm mailing this letter with City Hall's address so you won't know who I am, and I'm not including my phone number or my name. No pathetic retail store will ever get the better of High Madame Whineona Vandalette! No Siree!

Andrew B.
11-10-2012, 03:46 PM
Dear Ms. Vandalette,

We are pressing charges for assault, destruction of property, and theft for your antics. Also, don't rant in your closing "I'm not telling you anything" signature. It gives off too much information.

Enjoy your time in prison,
G. Scent


Dear Gameplace,

How dare your peon not give me the game I wanted when I demanded it. I don't care if it wasn't supposed to be sold for another three days, I wanted it now so I can have the jump on everyone else. I demand the game and $100,000 for my frustration.

Nos T. Reetdate

11-10-2012, 06:03 PM
Dear Mr Reetdate,

We apologise for any inconvenience caused. Unfortunately, Gameplace ceased dealing with the flow of time in 2014. All time related complaints are now processed by our subsidiary, H.G. Wells & Co.. We have forwarded your complaint to Dr Emmet Brown, Head of Customer Care and Flux Capacitor Troubleshooting. He will get back to you to resolve the issue either next or last week.

Please be advised that H.G. Wells & Co.'s Time Traveller programme has been temporarily discontinued due to Morlock attacks.




Dear BigShop,

I am absolutely disgusted with the level of service I received. I politely asked if one of your staff could assist me in my shopping while I went to get my nails done, she was extremely rude and told me no! She was only sitting at the register serving other people who aren't nearly as important as me, so it's not like she had anything better to do. You should fire her for being lazy. As no one would help me, I actually had to carry my shopping myself and strained my wrist. This upset my son so he started crying and throwing things on the ground, and once again your staff did nothing to help.

I demand compensation for my medical bills and my son's therapy. I have never been so offended in my life.

Mrs. C. Hunt

11-11-2012, 04:24 AM
Dear Mrs. Hunt:

It was Black Friday when you went to our store, and we only had the one employee to work our entire store that day. She was busy cashiering, and while she would've liked to help you, we couldn't have afforded to lose so many sales. It would cut our profit margin far too much. We might have even needed to hire a second employee, and we just won't do that!

We apologize. We were going to have robotic valets to make it unneccessary to carry your own groceries out, but it was decided somewhere along the corporate chain not to do this as it would cost too much money. We are dreadfully sorry that you had such an unhappy experience, and we'd be glad to give the employee a warning, as well as send you gift cards. However, we cannot send you any gift cards because your son destroyed a valuable display of the hottest electronics. The amount of money we lost is going to be... unfortunate for our workforce. Please come shopping again, as we'd love to have your business.

Third assistant manager I. M. Overpaid, fifth link in the store's corporate chain of the ten levels of management.


Dear Temptations:

My new boyfriend and I went to your shop today to pick up hot new toys to spice up our love life, but when we get in, not only are your hostess and all your staff fully clothed, the hottest thing there is the Chinese chicken hot wings with sweet and sour sauce. As your hostess all but forced me and my boyfriend to our seats, she gave us these long menus, whistled for a passing waitress, and expected us to read the menus ourselves! I have never in my life...! The waitress came out, and when she asked us if we'd like anything to drink, we ordered wine. She then asked us if we'd had enough time to read the menus yet. We told her it was bad enough we were being forced to eat, and we weren't going to be forced to read, too! So we asked her what the best thing on the menu was, and she said that she personally loved the deep dish three-meat pizza, smothered in olive oil, combined with the cinnamon breadsticks and the Supermilkshake. We order that.

The food arrives and we eat it to the last bite. However, during our meal, I get curious and I steal a menu from the table next to us so I can have a look at what else there is to offer for dessert. Much to my disgust, I notice that you haven't got one healthy thing on your entire menu! After demanding and drinking a second bottle of wine, and shouting at your good for nothing, lousy waitress until she's reduced to tears and flees, I march up to your hostess and complain. She offers to comp our meal, at first, until she notices it's almost entirely eaten. Then she apologizes and says that the whole point of Temptations is to put the fun back in food so people will remember what good food tastes like. The bland, dull, but completely healthy food can be found next door, at Dr. Tasteless's place. Then the hostess goes to talk to the waitress and ask her why she didn't explain this place to us, but the waitress takes one look at us and turns on the crocodile tears again. The hostess turns to us, and asks us to please sit down, and has the nerve to suggest that we've had too much wine. Then she takes the waitress off the floor, and we don't see either one again. In fact, we're so mad, my boyfriend suggests we just leave then and there, without even paying, which we do. We will never come back to Temptations again! You're completely deceitful! And by the way, we want to make a reservation for 7:30 next Friday night because my mother's visiting me from Chicago next week. She'll just love this place.

I demand compensation in the form of free meals for life and a million dollars!

Miss Sherry Brandy Rabbitt & Mr. Ken Key Enabler.

11-27-2012, 07:59 AM
Dear Miss Rabbit + Mr. Enabler,

We are a restaurant, not an adult store. We are denying your reservation but your mother is welcome to come if she chooses. Your waitress is in therapy because of you. Don't ever come back or you'll be arrested for theft and trespassing.


Restaurant Manager

Dear Women's Clinic,

I came to your clinic to find out the gender of my baby. Your rude doctor told me I was having a boy and I want a girl. I demand you send me something that'll change the baby's gender. If you don't, I will hire someone to destroy your building.


P. R. Egnant

12-02-2012, 02:29 AM
Dear Ms. Egnant,
Here is the phone number of a local adoption clinic. We strongly urge you to put your baby up for adoption as he will no doubt live a much longer, happier life without you and your entitled attitude. We have also sent your personal information to the police and the FBI, as threatening to destroy a building is a crime.

Ms. Options, Clinic Director


Dear Restaurant Manager,

On a recent visit to your restaurant I was seated outside on the patio. I ordered a glass of water and as I was enjoying my drink, an ant had the nerve to crawl inside my purse, which was on the ground next to me. This is unacceptable!! When someone asks to sit outside you need to make sure there is no wildlife that might assault them! I asked for a lobster dinner in compensation for my trauma and your staff grudgingly complied, but I find this insufficient in light of the offense. I demand another lobster dinner as well as the keys to your car, and free dinners for life at your restaurant!!

Mrs. D.I.P.S. Hit

12-31-2012, 11:38 AM
Dear Mrs. Hit,

A review of our cameras revealed that you put those ants there yourself by breaking an ant farm! So many patrons were injured that day, but nothing happened to you. What kind of person are you? We wish you a lousy Christmas and a dreadful New Year.


Ms. Capable, Manager of Garden of Paradise restaurant.


Dear Escapes Cinema:

We went to go see Jaws 5 the other day. Much to our disgust, the film was horrible. It had nude girls, and it had people being eaten! And it had loads of foul language! Plus it had shootings, and plenty of blood.

It made me so upset that I had to smoke. And I dropped my cigarette and had to light another!

My little five year old should not have been exposed to that filth! How dare you show this film in your cinema? When I went to speak to your manager, the manager's assistant told me that he was busy putting out a fire in the cinema. And your assistant manager was angry with me, me! For hiding my kid in my coat so that the employees didn't know he was there, so I didn't have to pay for him.

Well, that was that. I grabbed the assistant manager, pulled her close to me, and
said that I wouldn't leave until I saw the manager. Then the woman began screaming for help, so I hit her over the head and took her to my car.

You will get your assistant manager back when I get compensation for the horrible movie, a formal apology for letting my five year old see it, two millions dollars, free passes for life, and my five year old. There wasn't room in the car for him.


Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer.

01-01-2013, 05:55 AM
Dear Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer,

We at Escapes Cinema would like to apologize for the meer fact that you could ever had thought Jaws 5 was appropriate for a five year old. We are also very sorry that you could not read that this was a "Adult" cinema center and that Jaws 5 was one of our most popular films. Due to your smoking habit you have burned down our cinema center killed the assistant manager, and that poor woman, not to mention several people watching the new film release of "Fifty Shades of Gravy". We will infact be sueing you for 3 Million Dollars, and a socail worker will be taking BOTH of your children that you left at the cinema. We at Escapes Cinema are very sorry for your experience here.


J.R. McLovin, Manager


Dear Travel Zoo,

My Husband and two wonderful children were at the zoo this weekend and I coud not believe what your zoo did to this family. First my children wanted to see the monkeys and the monkeys were WooHooing right in front of them. How dare you let them see such a vulgar act, and when I went to complain to on of the people at the popcorn stand he said he could not do anything about it and that I should find a person who takes care of the animals. I do not have any time for that. So as I rushed my children away from that horrid display, I noticed that my little Lukey was missing. Why were not you there to guide him straight back to me as soon as I noticed he was gone. I looked in the otter pen and he was in there. He must have climbed over the fence and jumped into the pit. You really should have some safty measures to prevent this kind of thing. Then all he wanted to do was hug the otters and one of them bit him. When one of the staff member went into the pen to get him out they were being rude to my son by grabbing him and carrying him out. He could have gotten out himself. Then one of the people viewing this said to me he should know better. How dare you allow her to say such a thing to me about my little Lukey, he only 13 after all.

I want the monkeys and otters to be euthanized, I want you to pay for the doctors bill for the rabias shot, and a million dollars for having my husband cheat on me with on of your slutty employees.


Mrs. Candi Bar

01-04-2013, 04:08 AM
Dear Mrs. Bar,

Your 13 year old son should better than to enter an otter pit and your children are your responsibility. Therefore, your requests are denied.


Travel Zoo Manager

Dear Plumbing Company,

I broke my kitchen garbage disposal so I could get a handsome man to fix it and fall for him. However, I was steamed when you sent a woman so I sent her away since women know nothing about plumbing. I demand you send me a man who is single and handsome. If you don't, I will continue to send plumbers away until you do.


Anita Date

Andrew B.
01-05-2013, 01:19 AM
Dear Ms Date,

We are not an escort service. This is not a porno set and we primarily hire women. Check the personal ads if you're that desperate.

Nota Porno


Dear KGMR Elemantary School,

Why did your security escort me from the building? I was just there for a conference that morning. I was pretty sure that it was on that day. I also wasn't that drunk and the students were in no danger. Threatening me with the police was unnecessary. I want $1,000,000 and the teacher's head for my humiliation.

Druk Anddisorderly.

01-05-2013, 02:32 AM
Dear Mr. Anddisorderly,

The knife you wantonly brandished about, and pulled on Mrs. Jenkins when she wouldn't agree to start dating you again, probably had something to do with it. You are banned and the cops have already been called.


Paula Rose Olivia Fessor, headmistress.


Dear Madame Stella,

I went to your shop for a psychic reading. With your playing cards and crystal ball, you told me that I would meet the woman who'd change my life forever, but that once I found her, I wouldn't want her anymore. Your last card, the Queen of Hearts, you said meant I should stay with the woman I was engaged to at the time.

Well, I went to the place where you said I'd find this new lady when the woman I was engaged to wouldn't give me what I wanted anymore. I met this new lady, and we hit it off. We got married. But you didn't tell me that she'd ruin my life! The woman stole all my money, got me kicked out of my ex-fiance's apartment, cost me my job, disrupted my life, and took everything I had. I tried to go back to my fiance, but she called the police!

I blame you for all of this, Madame Stella. If I hadn't been to see you, I'd have never met that harriden of a woman. I demand you give me a million dollars, and free readings for life. But they always have to be good readings. Just tell me the good stuff.


Sol X Tiver'earing.

Kitten in the box
01-13-2013, 05:13 AM
Dear sir:

I apologize for your inability to take advice. But then again had you taken the time to read our signs stating Not Responsible for ANY outcome occurring from the readings then you may have avoided this misfortune. Please accept our apologies and allow us to kiss your feet for your negligence and failure to read. Obviously it's (y)our fault entirely. Please take this $5.00 gift card as an apology and this book titled:I am
An idiot for not heeding advice by URA CompleteDumbass

Dear Foodstuffs Manager:

I am APPALED at how your employee has the brazen AUDACITY to come in on THEIR day off and not serve me! I AM THE CUSTOMER!! And as such I DEMAND to be served in this establishment by said employee regardless if they are off the clock. If I HONESTLY gave a damn I wouldn't be bitching right now. How DARE that employee have a life of their own! HOW DARE they say I'm off the clock!! You need to FIRE that employee ill never come back again. I steal $$$ Of merchandise a week and they REFUSE service?!? Corporate will have a FULL 3 page wel written letter that lies about the horrible way I was treated!!

01-26-2013, 09:50 AM
Dear Anonymous,

It's illegal for employees to work off the clock. We're also pressing charges and banning you.


Store Manager

Dear Pain Medication Factory Manager,

I left a bottle of pills open on the coffee table and my 4 year son thought they were candy and swallowed some. I had to take him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. I demand you put warning labels stating that the pills are not candy. If you don't, I will send the hospital bill and sue you if you don't pay it.


Mrs. Careless

01-26-2013, 02:47 PM
Dear Mrs. Careless:

There IS a label on the bottle warning that the medicine is not for children under 12 and warning against overdose. That's also why we put the child-proof cap on there and add a further warning to keep the medicine out of the reach of children.

Thank you for including your address; I have forwarded it to the Child Protective Services in your state. Anyone who leaves open bottles of medicine lying around has no business parenting small children.

I. Buprofin, founder

* * * * *

Dear store manager,

I was shopping in your store when I went to the cashier. She said, "How may I help you?" but her voice was so awful! How dare you hire someone who talks like that! I told her how rude she was being, and she looked at me in confusion and asked "What did I say that was rude?" I told her she knew what she said, I didn't have to tell her. She rang me out in silence, looking like she was going to cry, oh boo hoo, poor baby.

I am appalled that you would hire someone so stupid and rude and with such a horrible voice! I demand that you fire her, have her and her entire family shot (can't have such defectives ruining the gene pool!) and give me a $500 gift card for my trouble, and I might consider shopping with you again.

Ann Tagonist

01-26-2013, 09:11 PM
Dear Mrs. Tagonist,

That worker is my disabled niece. She's worked very hard to reach the level of functioning she's at. And you know what? She's more of a person than you ever will be, you judgemental monster! I don't ever respond this way to people, but since you demanded her, and my family for that matter, shot for being defectives in the gene pool, you have crossed the line.

You can forget about the gift card because you're the kind of snake I don't want here in my store! You are banned from my store.

Bernard Rook, owner & manager of My New Best Friend.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Modern Amazon Coffeeshop:

I went to your coffee shop last night with my two kids because it was free concert night, where you invite local artists to come and perform on your stage. But your singer that night was horrible. All my kids did was run around, spill people's coffee, kicking things around, smash the chess set, and throw cards at the singer. Let them have their fun while I painted my nails.

The manager came out and he told me to get my kids out, but I'm not listening to a twenty-one year old kid!

And your singer stopped singing and told me, using the microphone, to go get my kids and get out! For a 30 year old, she sure needs to mind her own business! She sang a new song about the terrible parent and her awful brats, and how the people had to deal with it by rising up, gathering up the family, and throwing them out!

As soon as she was done singing, that's exactly what the people in your coffeeshop did!

I've never been so insulted all my life. It was humiliating! And worst of all, your manager said my kids and I could never come back. I demand a thousand dollars, that the singer never be invited back again, my kids be allowed to do whatever they want in your coffeeshop, and that we get free coffee and snacks for life!


LaDonna Mobile-Home.

01-28-2013, 08:14 PM
Dear Miss Mobile-home,

Thank you for writing. First off, I'd like to mention that the singer from that night was my daughter-in-law who, i might add, just got signed to a major record label. Secondly, 2 of the other patrons that night had to be rushed to the hospital for minor to moderate burns from the coffee your hellspawn spilled on them, and now I can inform them where to send their medical and insurance bills to. I suppose you probably didnt hear the ambulance sirens over your screeching shouts. I stand behind my management and will uphold the ban on you and your untrained monkey-children. You will NOT be receiving free anything, and you can forget about the $1000 you are demanding.


William De Caff

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Dear Supermart Grocery,

I, as well as my little prince of a son, made a trip to your store to buy some groceries 3 days ago. I left my son to play in the toy aisle while I went to the hunting/fishing section to browse your (poor) selection of fishing gear. One of your managers made an announcement over the intercom that i needed to collect my son as he had broken 2 shelves and a countless number of toys. I was outraged and so i tossed the fish finder i was looking at on the shelf in disgust. After i collected my son, i was told i would have to pay for the damages, plus i was going to have to purchase the fish finder because the screen broke when i put it away. Now I am CERTAIN your employees broke these things and are trying to pin the blame on me to save their worthless selves from the unemployment line. My son would NEVER do anything like what your employees said he did. I am positively OUTRAGED. I am tempted to report you to the BBB. However, a $1000 gift card and 3 free t-bone steaks a month for life would cause me to change my mind on that. See to it that i get what i want, plus be exempted from paying for the merchandise that i am CERTAIN your employees broke, or i will never grace your establishment with my presence again.


James Breakthings.

02-26-2013, 09:30 PM
Dear Mr. Breakthings,

We checked the security camera and saw both you and your sons breaking merchandise. Enclosed is a bill for the damage and both you and son are banned until the bill is paid.


Store Manager

Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.


M. O. Neygram

03-05-2013, 04:48 AM
I don't have a specific complaint, but I couldn't resist going to the Complaint Generator from Scott Pakin just to have some fun for the night. Here's what it gave me ;)

At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Mr. Hotel Guest's nostrums. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, if we don't reinforce notions of positive self-esteem, then Mr. Guest will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain him. No united global opinion will be able to isolate him. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict him.

Mr. Guest exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his obvious inferiority. If you don't think that it would be downright authoritarianism-oriented for him to defuse or undermine incisive critiques of his contumelious, lackluster behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of institutional restraint, then you've missed the whole point of this letter. Mr. Guest says that the purpose of life is self-gratification. But then he turns around and says that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing him and the childish, mean-spirited cheapskates in his club. You know, you can't have it both ways, Mr. Guest. Inasmuch as I disagree with his accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet his speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines.

Mr. Guest's henchmen have repeatedly been caught breaking down the industrial-technological system. I had expected better from him and his vaunted coalition of imprudent, possession-obsessed conspiracy theorists and dissolute wallies, but then again, Mr. Guest is putting a huge amount of effort into squashing his self-doubt and hiding his flaws. The more effort he puts into that, the worse things are when these suppressed traits finally bust out. When that happens—and it will definitely happen—you should be sure to remember that Mr. Guest and his countless imitators are unremittingly hostile towards those of us who take advantage of a rare opportunity to deal with Mr. Guest's stentorian, arrogant cop-outs on a case-by-case basis. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that Mr. Guest's slaves care more about speaking, acting, and even thinking like Mr. Guest than they care about what makes sense. Well, that's getting away from my main topic, which is that I don't need to be particularly delicate here. Every time I strike that note, which I guess I do a lot, I hear from people calling me mingy or unsophisticated. Here's my answer: Mr. Guest has remarked that his terrorist organization consists entirely of lovable, cuddly people who would never dream of conditioning the public to accept violence as normal and desirable. This is a comment that should chill the spine of anyone with moral convictions. To make sure you understand I'll spell it out for you. For starters, Mr. Guest's bedfellows get a thrill out of protesting. They have no idea what causes they're fighting for or against. For them, going down to the local protest, carrying a sign, hanging out with Mr. Guest, and meeting some other discourteous agelasts is merely a social event. They're not even aware that Mr. Guest proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never inculcate the hermeneutics of suspicion in otherwise open-minded people. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. Let me end this letter with a call to action. Please join those of us who are listening to others, and through your support we will shape a world of dignity and harmony, a world of justice, solidarity, liberty, and prosperity. Together we will free Mr. Hotel Guest's mind from the constricting trammels of Maoism and the counterfeit moral inhibitions that have replaced true morality. Together we will take action.

Andrew B.
03-06-2013, 12:09 AM
Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.


M. O. Neygram

Dear Mr Neygram,

We are a cash only business because too many customers have either disputed the payment after the fact, bounced a check, or committed fraud.

Thank you for telling us about the intent to hack, we're sure the FBI will love to talk to you.

Ms. Money


Dear Gamestore,

What do you mean you won't accept my NGenesis carts for trades anymore. I bought them 12 years ago and I need the money now. I demand you accept any game in trade. If you don't, I will stand outside the shop and play loud polka music during your hours of operation.

Kent Levities.

Lace Neil Singer
03-15-2013, 09:22 PM
Dear Mr Levities,

Thank you so much for informing us of your intention to disturb the peace well in advance. There will be two members of the police force waiting outside our store for you.

Yours, Gamestore Manager.


Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday and I was appalled and horrified to find that you had no changing table in your toilets. In order to hammer home this omittance, I proceeded to change Shytllynne's nappy on the table. One of your employees, a fat girl called Clare, had the nerve to tell me off and state that I should leave as I was offending other customers and violating healthcare regulations.

I demand that Clare be fired at once and that you send me a written apology from both you and her, along with a gift card giving me free coffee for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I and the rest of my mother's group will boycott Starbucks forever and you will lose our business.

Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

03-18-2013, 12:29 AM
Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday <MR SNIPPY WAS HERE!!>

Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

Dear Ms. Terriblemother:

Clare won't be fired, and you won't be getting free coffee coupons. We have the video and audio of the exchange between you and Clare, and based on what we heard and saw, you do not deserve to be a customer of ours. And your mother's group is aware of what happened and they have told us that they are kicking you out of the mother's group for, and this is a quote, "making a big deal out of nothing". So good luck getting them not to come.


A. Manager.

Dear Local Grocery Store manager:

I recently went shopping in your grocery store. The cashier and the bagger were extremely hot girls who looked like they were in college. I asked them both out on dates and told them I wanted to make love to them, and they told me no! One even had the nerve to tell me she had a boyfriend! Like that matters! These two had horrible customer service because they wouldn't go out with me!!

This is unacceptable! I demand a date with one of these girls, or I demand that they be fired! I'm important, and I'm the customer, so I'm always right! They embarrassed me! I'm a very important person! I also demand a front of the store parking space, a checkout line of my own, and free groceries for a year!

Fix this problem, or I will sue you, tell everyone you have terrible customer service, and ever shop there again. You guys are all stupid, and your store is overpriced anyway.

Not Sincerely,

Cree P. Guy

03-19-2013, 08:51 AM
Dear. Mr. P. Guy,

So it was you who harassed my granddaughters in my store last week!

One of them was so scared she called her boyfriend to stay with her for the rest of the shift, and the other one was so mad she almost flattened you with a baseball bat because you wouldn't go away!

Under no circumstances will I require my granddaughters to date you, nor will I fire them. But I will leave you a parking spot. It'll be right next to the lovely red stripe on my curb...

Now that I have your name and address, I'm turning this over to the nearest chapter of NOW. The leader of this chapter is a biker who's been teaching women karate. Have a nice day.


Anne Gree-Grandmummy, owner of Domestic Goddess grocery store, which sells groceries by women, for women.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Muses,

I went into your store the other day, seeking to buy new paints, and I feel I've been treated very badly.

First of all, your sales girl wouldn't stop taking with that minority, who was probably an illegal anyway. Yes, she was talking to him about the kind of paint he needed, but I don't care. She wouldn't leave him to talk to me, when I clearly outrank him!

Secondly, I decided to go get some canvas, but the person who was selling the canvas had... Downs Syndrome! I'm not touching what he touched, so I couldn't get my canvas! I demand he be fired and the canvas all washed thoroughly!

Thirdly, I saw a pad I needed, and some teenage girl grabbed that pad first. It was the last pad! So what if she was closer? So what if some man started screaming at me that I'd trampled all over his little toddler son? Little rugrat should've gotten out of my way! It was wrong... that your cashier wouldn't make that girl give me the pad when I demanded it!

And I am offended that you allowed a pair of teenage boys to enter your store. They told one of your staff that they had a list of supplies they needed to make a surprise for their grandfather, but I know what teenagers and paint really mean. You should've thrown them out! They weren't even dressed right.

And then, when I called for the manager and demanded the enforcement of my natural rights, that person with Downs syndrome threw, I mean he threw, a jar of paint all over my million-dollar suit!

You will give me ten million dollars, fire your staff, inform them that I am to be served first and that if I want something, I will get it, and that anyone younger than 21 be banned from the store. Otherwise, I will take my million dollars and my stack of coupons that save me $ 9,999,999.95 dollars on any purchase to someone else's store!

Sighed, Lord Eli Test.

Lace Neil Singer
03-21-2013, 12:02 PM
Dear Lord Test,

For your information, the person selling the canvas is my own grandson. He may have Down's Syndrome, but believe me, he's a far better person than you will ever be. In fact, I am so enraged at your prejudice that I'm going to permanently ban you from the store. I'd far rather lose you as a customer than lose all those customers you complained about.

Yours, Store Manager of Muses.


Dear Manager of Petstore,

I am writing to complain of something I saw in your pet store yesterday. There were rats! In cages! For sale to customers! Why are you selling vermin to customers? I demand that you take the rats off sale immediately, or I will report you to the health inspector and never come to your store again.

Yours, I Hayte-Rattes.

03-21-2013, 06:12 PM
Dear Mr. Hayte-Rattes,

The rats in question have been bred for many generations to be clean, tame and friendly and have the certification to prove it. We sold one yesterday that even gave me a good-bye nuzzle. Rats make excellent pets, and if you were to take the time to meet one of them, you would see that.

The health inspector visited us yesterday and gave us a certificate for having a clean pet store with extremely healthy pets. He, in fact, was the one who bought the rat, as well as a nice big cage, exercise ball and premium rat food. Just thought you'd like to know that.

Lovey Petz, owner
Furry Friends Pet Store


Dear Postmaster General,

I went to my local post office to drop off a package, and the sole clerk was taking way too long with the customer in front of me. Something about the customer not knowing the difference between a letter and a parcel, but so what, the clerk took too long! I was waiting a whole hour, from 8:30 to 8:40! Naturally I yelled at the clerk and told her what I thought of her. Several people in line called me a big mouth and said I was too loud, but so what! If that idiot had just taken me before the stupid customer, it would've solved everything!

That's three hours of my life I will never get back! I demand my own personal line and free postage for life, or I will take my business to your competitor!

Blare Foghorn-Voice

03-23-2013, 08:50 AM
Dear Ms. Foghorn-Voice,

You won't have to worry. Soon our office will be closing. Feel free to take your package to the shipping store in the town fifty miles away, which will charge triple the rates that we used to. I hear they have walls that echo so loudmouths end up having their own hostile words reflect right back at them, at the same volume...

Regretfully yours,

Soon to be ex-Postmaster General.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Snip, Snap, Snorem,

I took my son into your shop yesterday to get some magic supplies. You know, white doves, trick cards, a wand with secret flowers. He's got an important talent show at school and, since my arch rival, that snooty Mrs. Cendelor, is having her daughter put on a magic show, I insist my son do so. He wanted to sing, or dance, or something, but who cares? He's only fifteen. He doesn't know what he needs. I'm his mother, and after all, Mother knows best!

Anyway, I dragged him to your shop, and what did we find there? Men and women getting their hair cut. How dare Snip, Snap, Snorem be a beauty shop instead of a parlour trick shop?

Your coffee was caffeinated, and the only thing you had to snack on was a vending machine full of sweet garbage, like donuts and pastries! Not a veggie in sight!

And worst of all, Mrs. Cendelor was there! She was having her hair dyed, and when she found out what I'd come for, she laughed at me. And she got that idiotic black beautician who was attending her to laugh right along with her. Soon the whole shop was laughing. I almost had a heart attack!

I grabbed my son, and I had to slap him in the face because he was laughing too! Mrs. Cendelor has gone all over the school telling them what a bad mother and an idiot I am, and my son still has yet to buy the cheap magic kit at The Little Shop of Horrors. I asked him why, and he says he's so ashamed, he can't even think about magic. I had no choice but to acquiese to his request to sing or dance or whatever he wanted, poor dear. Well, that does it! Not only have you and your nitwit staff of laughing heyenas traumatized me, you've traumatized my son, too!

I demand that you give my son and I free magic kits, and free haircuts, washes, and dye jobs, for the rest of our lives, and that whenever I come in, you have strictly healthy coffee and sugar-free snack foods that must taste good waiting and personally served to me by that wretched black woman who laughed at me! You will also provide me with one million dollars and ban Mrs. Cendelor and her daughter for life.

If you refuse, I will sue you for emotional distress, my own, and my son's! That'll fix you!

Signed Vi Careous, Mother of two boys and a daughter who oddly somehow never seems to have time to talk to me or call me since she went on to college somewhere in England. She says she can't remember what city is, or the address, or...

03-28-2013, 05:44 PM
Ms. Careous:

It seems that you have communication issues with your son, as I can assure you he is very familiar with the range of hair-care services we provide and has had his highlights done here regularly for the last year. Might I suggest listening to him next time he tells you you're wrong? Also, you should be aware that your son is quite the excellent dancer and looks fa-HAB-ulous in costume. It's too bad you haven't been able to catch his act down at the club.

Regarding your racist remarks about staff, your insulting comments about our beloved vending machine, your ridiculous demands and your general lack of intelligence:

Up Yours.

Jason Snorem
Snip, Snap Snorem


To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing regarding an extremely distressing encounter I had at your hot dog cart last weekend. Your vendor is extremely unhelpful and refused to assist me with the simplest request. He actually had the nerve to tell me that you don't carry anything that I was asking for!

I find it difficult to believe that in today's day and age, you can't get a tofu corndog with organic, locally sourced mustard and turkey bacon on a gluten-free bun at a street-corner hot dog cart. I demand that you have this employee reprimanded and re-trained immediately, and that you give me three free hot dogs and an order of waffle fries. (The free hot dogs do not have to be tofu.)

I will be contacting the BBB to report you if I do not receive a response by tomorrow.

Catch Upper

04-07-2013, 07:13 AM
Dear Mr. Upper,

Unfortunately, our hot dog carts have a limited amount of space. If you want a certain hot dog, you'll need to go to a grocery store.


R. Oll
Hot Dog Cart Manager

Dear Party Store Manager,

I stopped at your store on my way to my baby shower, requested to have 4 dozen balloons blown up (12 yellow, 12 light pink, 12 dark pink, and 12 purple), and your rude employee told me that I need to give advanced notice for a balloon order that large. Worse, the rude employee refused to deliver the balloons to my baby shower which was due to start in a couple hours. Thanks to the rude employee, my baby shower was ruined. I demand the rude employee be fired and that I get an $800 gift card and free balloons for life or I will start shoplifting from your store.


B. A. Byshower

05-01-2013, 05:52 AM
Dear Ms. Byshower,

We require advanced notice since there are other customers besides you and we don't offer delivery service. If you shoplift from our store, we will have you arrested and banned from the store.


R. Ibbon

Dear Bridal Shop,

I came to your shop to pick out a wedding dress and all of them were white. I want to wear a purple wedding dress when I get married. I demand you start selling wedding dresses in different colors. If you don't, I will announce at my wedding reception that you ruined my wedding and post it online.


B. R. Idezilla

05-01-2013, 07:54 PM
Dear Ms. Idezilla,

I remember you. If you'd gone into the next room like I suggested, you would've seen formal gowns in all colors, including at least four different shades of purple. Pick one out, and for an additional fee have our seamstress add a little more lace, tulle, maybe add on a train, and it would've been a perfect wedding gown.

Even though white is traditional, nobody is forcing you to wear white. In fact, last month we sold a black wedding gown with blood-red trim to a couple who were getting a goth/vampire themed wedding. They even sent me pictures, which I intend to put up for Halloween. See, just use your imagination (and your bank account), we can take care of the rest.

Mary Tal-Bliss, owner,
Mary's Bridal and Formal Shop

* * * * *

Dear store owner,

I came in the other day and bought stuff and you didn't have any bags for me! I demanded to know why and the stupid clerk gave me some guff about the entire city banning plastic bags. I remember seeing it on the news but still, I am teh customer and if I want plastic bags, by golly you better give me plastic bags. Either you get those plastic bags back in or I'm gonna sue you and your company!

Saxon Baggs

05-16-2013, 07:15 AM
Dear Mr. Baggs,

If you want to use plastic bags, you'll have to bring your own. However, we have paper bags that you can use and canvas bags that you can buy.


Store Owner

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into the store to buy some items that were on my WIC Check but I didn't bring my WIC ID. Your rude employee refused to ring me up without the ID even though I shop in the store all the time. Thanks to her, I couldn't buy food for my children. I want this employee retrained on the importance of customer service and a $400 gift card to make up for being humiliated in public or I will never shop at your store again.


N. O. Wicid

06-02-2013, 04:29 AM
Dear Ms. Wicid,

We require WIC ID with WIC checks every time you come to the store or we risk losing our WIC license. Therefore, the employee did the right thing and your gift card request has been denied.


B. A. Byformula

Dear Supreme Court Judge,

Where do you get off putting my son on death row? All he did was set off dynamite in a building that had people in it. I demand you reverse this charge at once. If you don't, I will send my son supplies that will allow him to break out of prison.


A. N. Grymother

06-02-2013, 08:26 PM
Dear Ms. Grymother,

I have read your letter after the Supreme Court Justice forwarded your letter to our office. First, your son's attorney has already filed an appeal and it has been rejected. Second, since you have threatened to bomb a public building, Raper's Island Correctional Facility, you are now charged with making a terrorist threat. I have asked the prosecutor to ask the judge to make your bail no lower than $850,000. I would suggest that you hire your own attorney.


Ann Greve
Office of the Attorney General

P.S.: Your son killed 21 people and almost set fire to the nearby tank farm.

Dear Mr. State Geographer,

When I was driving to visit my grandmother, I crossed a body of water with the worst name I have ever seen. Why is that body of water named Tick Creek? Please change the name of this creek immediately since I have a phobia of ticks.


Blue Green

06-04-2013, 03:33 AM
Dear Mr. Green,

It's been called Tick Creek for 150 years, since the first settlers came to this area. It's known by that name in the history books, the state records and every historical society in the area. Changing the name would upset a great many people. Sorry, your request must be denied.

Rhode Mapp,
State Geographer


Hey Asshole who runs the store,

I wanted to get some memorabilia for my favorite team, the Out-Of-State Obscures. Your dipshit employee said they didn't carry that team, as they only carry this state's team memorabilia. He said they could special order it but it could take two weeks to come in. That's too long! He also said I could order it online, but why should I? You should have this stuff in stock!

In future I want you to carry every piece of merchandise licensed to the Out-Of-State Obscures, and tell that dipshit employee of yours to carry it all to my car, free of charge, or I will never shop there again. You got that, asshole?

Pat Tronizing-Jerk
Lifelong Out-Of-State Obscures #1 Fan

06-07-2013, 04:34 AM
Dear Mr. Tronizing-Jerk,

We will not tolerate that kind of language. Therefore, if you want anything in the future, take your business elsewhere until you learn to be more respectful.


R. E. Spect

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off expelling my daughter? All she did was smoke in the girl's restroom. I demand you reinstate her immediately. If you don't, I will spray paint the entrance door and then set it on fire.


P. A. Rent

06-07-2013, 11:19 PM
Dear Ms. Rent,

The principal has forwarded this letter to our office.

From what I understand, your daughter was suspended for 5 days, not expelled. Unfortunately, since she is only 16, possession of tobacco is against the law. However, since she was able to procure another pack of cigarettes from the convenience store down the street when Officer Saturday set up an impromptu sting operation, she will not be charged with possession of tobacco.

However, you are being charge with making a threat of committing second degree arson and making a threat to commit destruction of property. I suggest hiring a good lawyer, since we intend to pursue the maximum sentence. It is our opinion that you are not a fit role model to your children.


Jill Byrd
Office of the District Attorney


Dear high skool,

i wnt 2 ur skool fer for yurs i beleve tha inglish techer hates me since she kepz givin me a f i wud lik fer u to fir that stoopid techer since she kepz telin me that mi gramer and spelin is bad that makz me fel bad wut r u goin to do abut it

id tentee

06-13-2013, 10:58 PM
Dear id tentee-

Your letter has been reviewed by the head of our English department, but sadly was lost in translation.

We have no one on our staff who can decipher ID10Tspeek, so we have referred it to the US Department of Homeland Security for further study.

In the meantime, feel free to read the enclosed brochures we offer on "How to Speak and Write Correctly in Standard English."


Fed Ups-


Dear Fleabag Motel Corporation-

Last weekend I was staying at your motel in Ditchywitch when we were yelled at in the middle of the night by people pounding on our doors about poison gas in the building!

We thought it was a joke and went back to sleep, but now we've had to miss our soccer tournament because we're dead and it's all YOUR FAULT!!!!

We demand compensation and free rooms for life


Dead Head

We dema

06-16-2013, 08:02 AM
Dear Mr. Head,

Since you're dead, you won't need compensation or free rooms for life. Rest in peace.


Motel Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was sampling produce when your rude employee told me to stop or he would call the police. I am the customer and I have every right to sample produce if I choose to. I want the rude employee fired and free produce for life. If you don't do what I want, I will undress at the entrance and then run around the store wearing nothing.


Mrs. Sampler

06-18-2013, 02:34 AM
Dear Mrs. Sampler,

There is a difference between sampling the produce and what you did. I reviewed the security tape with the Lost Prevention, and we were appalled. You ate all of the white grapes, half of the black grapes, and a cantaloupe. We did inventory of the produce, and you owe us $1,600. If you come in and reimburse us for that $1,600, we will be willing to forget this incident.

As for your threat of streaking through our grocery, I have a few things I should warn you about. First, if you actually do that, we will have the police charge you with not only shoplifting, but we will have you charged with indecent exposure. If you resist by planting your 550 pound body in our store, I will call my buddy Calvin. He works for a nearby factory as a fork lift operator, and he will not hesitate to fork you off to jail.

Speaking of streakers, three college age men had their car stolen while streaking at the Denny's in front of our store. The car thief is still at large. If three men who are college age and in reasonable shape can have their car stolen while streaking in a building as small as a restaurant, what chance does your car have when its owner is a 550 pound woman in her early 60's streaking in a large supermarket?

In summary, please do not streak in our store and pay us $1,600.


Peter Frankfurt


Dear Hotel,

I stayed in your hotel in St. Petersburg last week, and I was not pleased. Everyday, I would wake up and walk out to a hot morning. As the day proceeded, it got unbearably hot. Every single afternoon it rained. It wasn't a mild drizzle; it rained really hard. I cannot believe that you didn't warn me about the weather on the west coast of Florida. I demand that you refund my money for the stay in St. Pete.

Screw this hot weather. Can I reserve a 1-King/non-smoking room for the dates of 7/20-7/27 in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada?


The Temperature Is Too Damn High

06-19-2013, 05:35 PM
Dear Mr. High:

It was August. In Florida. What did you expect? You are aware that Florida is a peninsula and is therefore surrounded on three sides by water, correct?

As far as the rain goes, did you check the forecast? Did you watch the local weather? Did you know that storms were heading to the area?

As far as your request for Halifax, you are aware that it gets COLD in Canada this time of year, right? And it snows, too. So no, we will not be granting that request.

L.O. Gical


Dear Horrible Movie Theater:

I recently went to your theater to watch "Man of Steel" in 3D. I have never had such an offensive, disgusting movie experience in my life!!

Did you know that there is a NAKED baby in that movie?! And that I saw it in 3D!! That is completely unacceptable!!

I am also highly offended that you did not get Christopher Reeve to play Superman! And why couldn't you get Margot Kidder to play Lois Lane?

And why was a BLACK GUY playing Perry WHITE? His last name is WHITE! A WHITE guy should have played him!!

So fix this movie immediately, or I am telling all of my friends to never come to your terrible movie theater ever again!!

For being offended and disgusted, I want $50 million and I want you to personally grovel before me!

Mr. I. M. Uptight.

06-19-2013, 10:38 PM
Dear Mr. Uptight,

First, we did not produce the movie, "Man of Steel." I am sorry you did not enjoy this movie. I have shared your concerns about the naked baby and Perry White to both Warner Bros. (the studio that produced "Man of Steel") and the Motion Picture Association of America.

Christopher Reeve died in 2004, so he was unavailable for this movie. Margot Kidder was unavailable as well because she was busy shooting "Matt's Chance." If you want to see Kidder's latest movie, you can search Amazon.com for "Matt's Chance," but she plays a stripper, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I will admit that Perry White in the movie doesn't look like the one in the comic book, but just because someone has the last name of "White," doesn't mean he is white. Just because a person is named "Black" or "Blackman" doesn't mean he is Black.

You want $50 million? I want $50 million, too, but since we want $50 million doesn't mean we're going to get it.


Cecil Miller


Dear Mr. Powell,

I just bought a car from you. I like the car, but that mean finance guy made me sign so many documents that I had a severe cramp in my right hand. Why do I have to sign my first name, middle name, and last name on so many lines? I had to go to the urgent medical center and have the doctors open up my hand.

I demand that you give me the car for free, or at least knock off the cost of the medical bill from the cost of the car.


Alexandra Elizabeth Roethlisberger-Saltalamacchia

PS: Why do you call yourself "Crazy Kevin Powell?"

06-30-2013, 11:43 PM
Dear Ms. Roethlisberger-Saltalamacchia,

I am sorry about the difficulty you had here, but there are legal issues involved in selling a car that insist upon the buyer using their full name. We are in no way legally obligated to pay for your hand operation; I'd suggest you take it up with your parents, who gave you that name.

As to why I'm named "Crazy Kevin Powell", well, you're not the only one with a difficult name. I've signed my full name enough times to make my nickname fit.

Kevin Horatio Orpington Wilberforce Nebuchadnezzar Powell


Dear Pizza Palace,

Last Friday when it was 115 F, I felt it was too hot to cook, so I ordered a pizza. I was shocked and appalled when the delivery guy showed up soaked with sweat! It was horrible, he smelled sweaty and was all red in the face. I'm quite sure he dripped sweat on my pizza!

I am disgusted that you let some sweathog deliver pizza. I demand free pizza for a year and that you only hire non-sweaty people to make your deliveries.

Ann T. Perspirant

07-01-2013, 02:58 PM
Dear Ms. Perspirant,

I apologize that the pizza delivery man that we sent to your address last Friday looked like he was on the verge of heatstroke. However, like you said, it was 115°F. We had to dump water on our delivery drivers every time they arrived at our kitchen. You have no need to worry since they rinsed themselves off where we keep the mops and cleaning chemicals. They did nothing unsanitary.

Also, the packs we put the pizzas protect your pizza from any water including rain and perspiration. Your request is denied.


Dante Alighieri
Mario & Luigi Mushroom Kingdom Pizza


Dear football team,

I was watching your game last weekend because I bet $6,000 on your team. You had the line of -5. If your team had won by more than 5 points, I would win $6,000, but if you won by less than 5, tied, or lost, I would lose $6,000.

Near the end of the game, your opponent called time out with 7 seconds left on the clock after your team failed to get a first down on a third down play. You were winning 30-24. When it was time for your team to punt the ball away, your idiot punter tucks the ball away and runs towards his own end zone and stands there waiting for those 7 seconds to tick away. When the other team finally caught up to him, he stepped out of bounds resulting in a safety. Your team won 30-26 while I lost $6,000.

I demand you give me $12,000: $6,000 for my original bet, plus $6,000 for the money I would have won if your idiot punter wasn't such an idiot. I also demand you cut the idiot punter, and fire the head coach, the offensive coordinator, the special teams coach, and your general manager.


Marcus Leaf

07-04-2013, 12:07 AM
Dear Mr. Leaf,

Gambling is not legal in your area, a fact that you should know quite well. Therefore, we have no interest in offering you any money, nor do we wish to fire anyone.


Ethel Cull, Team owner.


Dear Starlight Hotel;

My boys, whom should be known to you as The Armageddon Nightmare Rock Band, slept in your motel last night. We are aggrieved because of four seperate insults, one to each of my boys.

First of all, your room service flatly refused to bring any further spirits to my boys' room after midnight, claiming noise complaints. Then he allowed the woman next door, who claimed to be a witch, to say that if they didn't quite down, she'd give them spirits all right! Of all the cheek!

Secondly, your maid not only refused to do more than make the bed, she slapped the guitarist in the face, then bashed him upside the head with the flower pot. All he did was, well, you know. And she said she was going to be married and wanted to stay chaste. Ridiculous! Fire her at once!

And your manager actually had the nerve, when the police arrived at my boys' hotel room, not to turn the cops away! Instead, he led them right to the door. I am insulted by such shabby treatment.

Not to mention that ghosts showed up and scared my boys so badly that they had to run screaming out of the room when the cops couldn't get them to go.

Lastly, I just got a letter demanding 56,872 dollars in repairs to the room, stolen supplies, and compensation for having to comp. the neighboring six rooms.

I want a million dollars, and free stays in your hotel room forever for my boys. And that you never allow that horrible . . . witch in your hotel again. And fire the maid and manager!


Al Lows-Everything,
Band manager & father of two of the members.

07-04-2013, 02:34 AM
Dear Mr. Lows-Everything:

First, state laws specifically forbids us from serving alcohol from midnight to noon. We are not willing to risk our liquor license for anybody. Also, your boys were keeping our other guests awake all night. We had to refund their money because your boys kept them awake with their excessive noise. Also, that "witch" is a harmless crank.

Second, we are aware of the incident earlier in the day. What your guitarist engaged in is considered sexual assault. We were forced to call the police. Unfortunately, attempted sexual assault is really difficult to prove.

We called the police again because your boys were refusing to quiet down. They found a white powder in one of the rooms. The police suspected from your boys' behavior that that powder was PCP. That might explain why your boys saw those "ghosts."

As for the invoice, it is obvious that you have misread it. It is an invoice that is charging your band $556,872. All of the charges are listed in great detail, so I will not do it here, but that includes the wall your boys knocked down, crushing two TVs, and causing a ceiling to collapse. They also stole towels, a bed, 2 other TVs, and a commode.

We expect prompt payment and your band is banned from our hotels forever. We will see you in court.


Paris Diaz


Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I posted the following to Facebook.

My boss is such a prick. He constantly insults me calling me lazy, a bad employee and not a team player. I wish he would quit breathing down my neck all day. I'm just glad he doesn't know about me playing my Nintendo 3DS at my desk.

When I came into work the next day, my now ex-boss told me that he saw my Facebook update. He told me to turn around and go back home because I was fired. It's all your fault Zuckerberg. I demand $1 million because you caused me to get fired.


Zelda Maria Scrib

07-09-2013, 03:05 AM
Dear Zelda Maria Scrib,

You are responsible for what you post online and it's your own fault that you got fired. Therefore, I will not be sending you any money.


Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your store and was offended when I saw some men ringing up customers and some women stocking shelves. Ringing up customers is a woman's job and stocking shelves is a man's job. I demand you fix this immediately. If you don't, I will set fire to the store.


Mrs. Oldschool

Andrew B.
07-09-2013, 08:43 PM
Dear Mrs. Oldschool,

The man at the register has a bad back, which makes him ill suited for stocking the shelves and the woman has severe discalcula which makes her ill suited for register work. I will not be changing things just because you can't move with the times. As for your threat, the police have been notified.

J. Foode


Dear Mall Security,

How could you ticket my car? I was only inside for a few minutes. So I forgot to pay the parking meter, so what? I doubt you've ever made a mistake. And the security officer was so rude when he ticketed me, saying that there's plenty of free parking if I don't want to pay the meter. I demand that guard be fired and you let me park where I want from now on.


Ms. Kent-Parke.

07-10-2013, 03:34 PM
Dear Ms. Kent-Parke,

We have no parking meters in our parking lot, so that means you parked on the street. The city owns those metered spaces, not us. That "security officer" is actually a police officer working on parking enforcement. If you have any complaints, please direct your complaints to the city police department. However, he is correct when he says we have plenty of free parking.

Good luck getting that parking ticket resolved.


Otto Partz, Head of Mall Security


Dear Supermarket Manager,

Yesterday, I was smoking a cigarette in front of your store. I was well away from the exit, so I wasn't bothering anybody. All of a sudden, one of your employees comes out and demands that I smoke somewhere else. He said that I wasn't allowed to smoke next to the propane tanks.

I demand that you fire that employee. I also demand that you give me 2 lbs. of steak, a bag of charcoal, a bottle of lighter fluid, and a box of strike anywhere matches. Everyone know a real man doesn't use gas.


R.J. Reynolds

07-15-2013, 08:00 PM
Dear Mr. Reynolds,

Respectfully, we must decline your request.

It is well within our establishment's legal right to ensure the safety of our customers to best of our ability. As only a blind man could possibly fail to see the twenty or so "NO SMOKING" signs we have posted on that side of our store, we, ACME Grocery, Inc., must presume you are so visually impaired.

ACME Grocery, Inc. Public Relations Department


Dear Smellware Computers Corp.,

Recently, my Smellware 4800 laptop, which I purchased brand new in 1981, decided to crash, taking with it my entire magnum opus, a manuscript I had hoped to submit for publishing. 750 pages of writing I have slaved over for 32 years is now completely gone.

I called your tech support department, but could neither understand your poorly educated New Dehli sand:censored: nor get him to understand that DOS 2 is a FULLY MODERN operating system, one that I have used for the last 32 years.

Not only do I demand you fire the offensive sand:censored:, but I demand you move your callcenter back into the United States where We The People need the jobs worse than someone willing to work 48 hours a day for $0.15 cents a day.

M. Oron Dumass

07-17-2013, 07:14 PM
Dear M. Oron Dumass,

Smellware Computers Corporation went out of business in 1991, 22 years ago. I have no idea whose technical support you called since we have our technical support in Ontario. However, we will be more than happy to show you options to upgrade to a brand new system for as little as $299. We will even be glad to send a field technician to transfer data from your old disks to your new computer.

However, please refrain from using the word sand:censored: again.


Victor Canuck
Maple Leaf Computing, LLC


Dear TSA,

How dare you confiscate my stuff. Two weeks ago, I put my only carry-on on the x-ray conveyor belt, and the agents took it away, saying that I'm not allowed to have a chainsaw on the plane.

I demand that you return my chainsaw.


Husky Varna

07-20-2013, 06:22 AM
Dear Mr. Varna,

It's illegal to bring dangerous items like chainsaws on an airplane. Also, we won't be able to return your chainsaw since your bag was destroyed.


A. Gent
Airport Manager

Dear Dance Studio Manager,

You had absolutely no right to expel my daughter! All she did was practice dancing in an empty dance studio with no clothes on so she could become a natural dancer. I demand you reinstate her and allow her to dance without clothes all she wants. If you don't, I will come to your studio and dance in the lobby wearing nothing.


N. A. Turaldancer

07-21-2013, 01:55 AM
Dear Mr Turaldancer,

Unfortunately, your daughter danced in our studio nude and left the door open. One of our neighbors can see into the studio. Unfortunately, because of your daughter's actions, I was threatened with eviction by our landlords. Your daughter's expulsion stands. I have also warned our landlords about your threat to dance. If we see you dance in our building naked, we will call the police to have you removed. Good luck going to jail naked.


Isabel Twyla
Starlight Dance Studio, LLC


Dear Flo,

My fiance and I use the TV to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am on call and I keep my phone on vibrate in case my employer calls. I have been awaken by your commercial because it sounds like my phone.

I demand that you pull that commercial and you give me 12 months of free automobile insurance.


Stephanie Drowsy

07-30-2013, 05:50 AM
Dear Ms. Drowsy,

I would recommend changing to a ring tone. Also, lots of people like the commercial so your request is denied.



Dear Vitamin Shop Manager,

You had absolutely no right to have me fired and arrested! All I did was put large bills in my pocket and pour vitamins from different bottles into my purse. I demand you drop the charges and give me my job back. If you don't, I will come to your store, open all the calcium bottles, and pour the tablets on the floor.


Mrs. Vitamintablet

07-31-2013, 03:33 AM
Dear Mrs. Vitamintablet,

All you did was commit theft. We, VitaStore Corp., have every legal right to fire and prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
Over the course of your six week employment, you placed over $15000 in large bills in your pocket and steal over $800 in merchandise that would bring over $50 thousand on the black market as crystal meth ingredients.
We hope you are enjoying your suite in Rikers Island Correctional facility.

VitaStore Corp. Legal Department

Dear Boss,
I realize I have been employed with Pizza Delivery Inc, for three weeks, and I am not measuring up to standards. I understand you have policies to follow, and I accept full responsibility for forcing you to take disciplinary action.
Please accept this, my pitiful attempt to apologize, as evidence of my sincerity, and I hope that after my three days' suspension, I may come back to work... even if only to fulfill the decency of two-weeks' notice.

Stupid Driver #325

07-31-2013, 12:56 PM
Dear Stupid Driver #325,

Don't even bother. During your suspension, I've hired three new drivers who are actually willing to work and abide by the company rules. This may seem like an amazing idea, but I highly suggest you do the same with your next job...if you ever get one.

Pep Perroni, manager, Pizza Delivery Inc.


Dear Craft Store Manager,

I just bought some frosting from your baking goods section, and it was supposed to be 25% off, the sign said 25% off. Your cashier pulled the sign and showed it to me, underneath the "25% off" it said "Bakeware only" in tiny type only an inch tall! She insisted that it only applied to the pans you put in the oven. Well, I put frosting in the oven! True, it makes a mess, but I do put it in the oven, so it's bakeware as far as I'm concerned!

I demand that you fire that horrible bitch and give me 125% off everything in the store!

Ann Aliterate-Idiot

07-31-2013, 04:15 PM
Dear Ms. Aliterate-Idiot,

I'm sorry you're having trouble reading text this size.

It sounds like you have two problems. To address your first problem, I am enclosing the contact information for a local eye doctor. I also read that you put frosting in the oven. I am enclosing a catalog for the local community college. It has information on baking classes.

Unfortunately, we will not be able to give 125% off anything in our store. We will be happy to supply you with bakeware and answer any questions about baking.

Thank you for your business.


Milfeulle Sakuraba


Dear Chinese Buffet store manager,

I was in your restaurant the other day, and one of the chefs came out of the kitchen yelling at me. He said I had to pay my bill and leave before he called the police. I thought this was an "All You Can Eat" buffet, and I was not finished eating, yet. I was only in there for five hours.

I demand that you give me seven straight days of free buffet, and you fire that rude chef.


Trey Gordo

08-04-2013, 10:49 PM
Mr. Gordo,

Our buffet is a seafood buffet. We do allow our customers to stay and finish, but when a single customer eats $750 in crab legs, we have the right to end our service and invalid a customer's welcome.
We will not be giving in to your request, and we have also alerted our competitors to be on the lookout for you. Perhaps you should try eating at Comet Pizza from now on. We hear they have fast delivery and inexpensive food.

Chung Yao Garden Management


Dear Big Box Electronics,

I purchased a new after-market stereo from your store in September, and had it installed by your friendly and knowledgeable audio staff. It worked fantastically until my transmission died. I had the stereo uninstalled from said vehicle and wished to have it installed in my 1997 Plymouth Grand Caravan. Upon arrival at your store with said van and stereo, I was informed you could not install the stereo. The stereo was professionally uninstalled by my mechanic's electronics guy, why can you not reinstall it in another vehicle?

A. U. Dio

08-05-2013, 03:57 PM
Dear Mr. Dio,

First, your vehicle is a 1997 Plymouth Grand Voyager. Second, we are only allowed to install brand new stereos into cars. Since you bought your stereo in September and it is now August, that means your stereo is 11 months old. Either you can buy a new stereo from us, or you could get your mechanic's electronics guy to install in your van.

Daewoo Kardon
Store Manager, Big Box Electronics


Dear Friendly Animal Hospital,

I took my cat to your clinic last week. Despite giving him medicine every day as you prescribed, he died yesterday. I called your office and the person who answered said that since he was 27 years old, he was on borrowed time. I demanded to speak to your office manager. All she said was, "meow."

I want a new cat. I also want you to fire your office manager, Ms. Meow.

Felix Lybica

08-05-2013, 06:07 PM
Dear Mr. Dio,

First, your vehicle is a 1997 Plymouth Grand Voyager. Second, we are only allowed to install brand new stereos into cars. Since you bought your stereo in September and it is now August, that means your stereo is 11 months old. Either you can buy a new stereo from us, or you could get your mechanic's electronics guy to install in your van.

Daewoo Kardon
Store Manager, Big Box Electronics

Mr. Daewoo Kardon,
Thank you for your polite and business-like response to my inquiry. I will investigate the options you suggested.
Also, your business has not only earned my praise, but my loyalty.
A. U. Dio

(( :D We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?))

08-05-2013, 06:39 PM
(( :D We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?))

Dear Tyg3rW01f,

No, we don't. This game is called the "Customer Complaint Letter Game." It's fun to come up with a response to a ridiculous complaint and then come up with another ridiculous complaint. :D That car stereo letter was a good one.

Since nobody responded to my last ridiculous complaint, I'll reprint it here.



Dear Friendly Animal Hospital,

I took my cat to your clinic last week. Despite giving him medicine every day as you prescribed, he died yesterday. I called your office and the person who answered said that since he was 27 years old, he was on borrowed time. I demanded to speak to your office manager. All she said was, "meow."

I want a new cat. I also want you to fire your office manager, Ms. Meow.

Felix Lybica

08-16-2013, 05:54 AM
Dear Mr. Lybica,

Enclosed is a list of adoption center since you mentioned that you want a new cat. Also, our office manager was right about the cat being on borrowed time since most cats don't live past 20, so she won't be fired.


A. N. Imal
Vet Manager

Dear Restaurant Manager,

I recently came to your restaurant with a group of friends and we all enjoyed our meals. However, I was offended when you put a gratuity charge on the bill. I should be able to tip as much or as little as I want. I want you to stop putting gratuity charges on the bills or my friends and I will spray paint the front of your restaurant.


O. P. Tionaltipper

08-16-2013, 09:36 AM
Dear Tionaltipper,

Thank you for voicing your concern over our billing policy. I'm afraid that "gratuity" charge is a bit of a misnomer common in our industry. The correct term should be "bribe." When you and your friends come to our establishment, rearrange tables to suit yourselves, ruin other patron's visits with your loudness, and monopolize the waitstaff's time for hours, there is an understandable reluctance to wait on you and your ilk in the future.

Therefore, to insure that you are served quickly and efficiently to remove you from the premises as quickly as possible, we promise the waitperson extra money. Rather than pass this cost-of-business along to unentitled diners, we go to the source.

re your offer of redecorating the business exterior: if your painting skills are anything as deplorable as your table manners, we must regretfully decline.


Gem 'GTFO' Ofamanager
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

(Sadly, almost word-for-word true story:)

Hey stupid hardware store!
I gotz me one of ya'lls chainsaws just a few years ago and it don't work right.
I tooked it in to wheres I bots it and they told me I hasta oil and sharpen it and all sorts of other crazy stuff, and that I can only use it on wood, not metal posts. What kind of scam are youz runnin'? Gimme a new chainsaw that won't need all that work!

Lazily yours,

Wood Billy.

We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?
No, we don't.

Aw, c'mon cat. I know we're pretty cynical here, but ONE in forty plus pages? That seems reasonable. :lol:

08-16-2013, 02:19 PM
Mr. Billy,
Had you been intelligent enough to inform our sales clerk of your complete lack of understanding of all things mechanical, the sales associate would have recommended you purchase the Gen'Sherman 1864 Razitall Savanah, which DOES cut everything from firewood to steel railroad ties to even bricks with little more than a flip of a switch.
However, I must inform you that while the Customer is always right, Management is fully within it's rights to decide who is welcome to remain a "Customer" and who is not.
You, Sir Billy, are welcome to curse our competitors with your patronage; should you enter our establishment again, Security will escort you from the premises.
ACME Hardware
G. Patton, Manager, Gen. US Army, Retired

((See the post in Speechless da Frell?!! Face on the story behind this one))
Dear Cheapah Pizzah Co.
My friend and I recently came to your establishment with the intention of purchasing dinner. We were informed that your establishment could not make our 30 supreme pizzas in 30 minutes.
I demand you not only fire your entire, grossly-skinny staff at the store in question (all of whom need to eat at least a dozen pizzas themselves), but I demand you find a way to make 30 pizzas in 30 minutes.

Unreas Onable

08-16-2013, 09:47 PM
Dear Mr. Onable,

I did try to contact my good friend the Doctor to see if I could borrow his TARDIS kitchen. Sadly, he's off fighting Daleks so I doubt I'll be seeing him for a while. Meanwhile here on Earth, time moves at the pace it normally moves at, so there is no earthly way to make thirty pizzas in thirty minutes.

I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".

Han Tossed, manager,
Cheapah Pizzah Co.

* * * * *

Dear Craft Store,

You know the city has banned plastic bags, so when I last went shopping, I put all the merchandise in my purse, then I left. I did make the little mistake of bypassing the cash registers, but so what! You had no business apprehending me as a thief! IF you hadn't banned plastic bags, I wouldn't have had to stash everything! Sure, I could've used a shopping cart or basket, but what's the fun in that?

I demand that you give me a public apology and a $100,000 gift card for my trouble.

Robin Yourstore

08-17-2013, 09:06 PM
Dear Ms. Yourstore,

While it is true that there is a plastic bag ban, we generously offer reusable cloth bags at no cost instead. So you had no excuse. And that you did it right in front of one of my teenage employees, then you tried to bribe him with a one dollar bill! What kind of person are you? Luckily, the employee did the right thing. He phoned his mother - a police officer, then turned the bribe over to my assistant and told him what you did. So when his mother caught you, you have only yourself to blame. Enjoy your prison, criminal, forever and ever.


Lacy Wicker,
manager of I felt terrific craft emporium.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear public library,

I am disgusted that you people banished my son and I from the building, and I absolutely refuse to pay this gigantic bill you've given me. There is no way in the world that I am going to pay for all this, not one orange penny!

It is not my fault that your toilet cannot handle a full roll of toilet paper, began to run and refused to flush. I insisted that my boy be absolutely clean because he's just the messiest sort of kid. Nor is it my fault that your sink was clogged up with too many paper towels. When your toilet overflowed, it ruined my son's clothes and I had to wash them all, and as soon as I was done, he ran away crying, so I didn't have time to get them out of the sink or turn the water off.

And what right have you to put a smoke detector, let alone a water spraying system, up on the ceiling of a library? I just made my son give me one little cigarette, and I lit it up. The librarian said the most awful things to me, and asked me what kind of a father I am. I want her fired for that! How disrespectful. As soon as I lit up my smoke, the alarm went off and water sprayed on everything.

My son's trip to the library to do all the research for the project that was due the next day and that he only had a month to do any of the research for was completely ruined when the library flooded. Sure, I kept telling him he could use the computer at home when I was done with it. It's not my fault that the only way to watch the ball games these days is on the Internet and the kid is in bed before their over. His tough luck. The librarians chased us all out, and worst of all, they called my own mother, and my ex-wife.

My ex-wife told me that my visitation days are over and took my son with her, and my mother dragged me home by the ear.

I demand compensation, the termination of the entire library staff, a lifetime pass, and a free Internet-ready computer reserved exclusively for me! Oh yes, and remove the smoke detectors and the water sprayers.

Signed, Burnard Waters.

08-18-2013, 06:21 AM
Dear Mr. Waters,

This letter was forwarded to us in the city attorney's office. We are currently handling your case right now.

First, it does not take an entire roll of toilet paper to clean yourself after using the toilet. Anybody over the age of 5 would know that. Also, there is a laundromat two buildings east of that branch of the library. You have no excuse for clogging the city's sinks to wash your son's clothes. Since your son has apologized to the library staff, he is welcomed back to the library. We will not pursue any charges against him.

The state requires all government buildings to have a fire suppression system installed. You were in violation of the law when you started to smoke in a public building. The library has the words "No Smoking" in 1 inch letters on the front door. The state doesn't want a fire that started in one of its buildings to burn down neighborhoods. When you lit that cigarette, the smoke detector detected smoke, alerting the staff and patrons of the library and the fire department. It also activated the water-based fire suppression system. Unfortunately, it ruined quite a few books that will need to be replaced. It also forced the city to close that branch for a week while the library's staff assessed the damage to the books and other property.

As for the family drama, our office will not be involved. I do suggest that your son should have started his project earlier than the day before it's due.

We sent this letter along with court documents via sheriff's deputy. I'll see you in court.


Simon Shuster
Office of the City Attorney


Dear Honda,

I bought your Whisper Quiet Generator in case our power went out. Last week, our power was knocked out by a severe thunder storm. We put the generator in the living room and fired it up. It worked like a charm. After an hour, we started to get dizzy and headaches. Suddenly, the carbon monoxide detector went off and alerted the fire department. The firemen told us that there was a dangerous amount of carbon monoxide in the house and the source was your generator.

I demand that you pick up this spawn of Satan generator. I also demand that you refund our money and compensate us for medical bills and the fire department's bill.


Ash Fougue

08-18-2013, 09:26 PM
Dear Mister Fougue
We at Honda Corp, USA, regret to inform you that we are disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".
It is clearly labeled upon both box and generator that the "Whisper Quiet" Mk 7 is NOT to be used indoors.
Besides such, we shall use your story to our monetary advantage by using it in our advertising.

Monopolizingly Ours,
Honda USA


Makers of Twilight,
My daughter recently committed suicide because she could not be Bella. Why did you create such a horrible :censored:-pot film?! You clearly knew it would cause this type of problem.
I not only demand a refund for the eight tickets my daughter purchased, but you pay for her final expenses.
B. Ad Parent

08-20-2013, 01:11 AM
Dear Mr. Parent,

I'm sorry to read about the loss of your daughter. I did not write my books, nor did the studio make the movies with the intent of people with clinical depression to commit suicide. I wrote pieces of fiction. It's quite obvious that she was showing signs of clinical depression that you have ignored. We will not refund the money for the movie tickets, nor will we pay for your daughter's final expenses. I only hope that the movies gave your daughter some joy in her miserable life.


Stephanie Meyer


Dear Apogee,

I recently bought your game called "Rise of the Triad." This game does not take place in Greensboro, High Point, Winston-Salem, or any of the surrounding neighborhoods. It takes place on an island off the coast of California called San Nicolas Island. Thus, it doesn't take place in the Triad. Also, there is no abandoned monastery on that island, but an active naval base.

This is deceptive advertising. I demand you refund my money immediately.


Thomas Scarboro

08-24-2013, 04:10 AM
Dear Mr. Scarboro,

I'm sorry for your dissatisfaction with our product. Therefore we will send you a refund since you can't simply enjoy a fun game.


Apogee Manager

Dear Department Store Manager,

I was in your store buying some items. When I was ready to pay, I went straight to the register. Your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that there was a line and that I need to wait in it. You need to teach your employees to respect their elders or I will scream over the loudspeaker.


Mrs. Elderly

08-27-2013, 11:46 PM
Dear Mrs. Elderly,

Our security officer watched the video recording in the store. Not only did you barge your way through to the front of the line, you stepped on a little girl's foot, pushed a young but paralyzed man's wheelchair down the escalator, and kicked a seeing-eye dog on the way!

You already did scream through the loudspeaker, and continued even after one of our employees took the thing apart and the police carried you away.

Please take these coupons for our competitor as the only compensation you will get as, seeing as this is the seventh time you've been in our store, we no longer welcome you.

If there is anything else I can do for you . . . please don't bother. Your case is closed.


Deena Nyles, customer complaint satisfaction officer,
Octogon Department Store, with eight departments to serve you.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Dreams of angels bed & supply store,

I went to your shop the other day after a long day of shopping. I had been walking all day long through the big outdoor shopping center Muddy Marsh, and in my thick rubber boots, my feet were killing me! So when I brought my dozen packages to your store, I saw this beautiful king-sized bed with soft white sheets and vanilla-colored velour blankets. After I spoke briefly to a salesman, who pointed me to the bed, I just sat down on it, and in my exhaustion, I passed out.

So why was I rudely awakened thirty minutes later by a nasty security officer who looked like he'd taken too many steroids, a very angry young boy of an assistant manager, and a furious clean-up woman?

The boy of a manager told me my boots had ruined the carpet and my pants had ruined the bed, and that I had to pay for it all right then and there! He demanded cash or credit card and I refused to give him either.

Then the clean-up woman gave me two things: A whack on the head with her mop, and then the mop and bucket. She said I could go clean up my mess because she wasn't going to do it!

And when I took the mop and tried to whack them both, the security dragged me out of the store, hosed me off, and then put me in the bed's box and shipped me home!

I demand compensation, and the return of my shopping bags. And you can give me the bed for free while you're at it. Oh, and make the manager boy, the security jerk, and the clean-up woman come clean my house all day! It's become a pig-pen.

If you don't, I'll go straight to the t. v. show "Scam Stoppers!" and report your whole enterprise!


Dusty Clayton Mudd.

08-28-2013, 08:40 AM
Dear Mr. Mudd,

You had mud all over you which made the bed unsellable until it can be washed. We are shipping your shopping items to you. Enclosed is a check for the damages and we will not give you the bed for free. Also, if your house is a pig sty, you should either hire a maid or do it yourself.


B. L. Anket

Dear Video Store Manager,

My 12 year old son tried to rent "The Gobbler Strikes" and your rude employee refused to rent it to him since it was rated R. I want this employee fired for being rude to my son, free rentals for life, and for my son to rent whatever he wants or I will come to your store and set fire to the discs.


M. O. Viewatcher

08-29-2013, 05:28 PM
Dear Mr. Viewatcher,

It sounds to me like you don't comprehend what an R-rated movie is. Enclosed (http://www.mpaa.org/ratings/what-each-rating-means) is a list of the ratings and what they mean from the Motion Picture Association of America.

I've seen "The Gobbler Strikes" and I assure you, it deserves its R rating; in fact, it's bordering on an NC-17. Unless you want your 12-year-old to have horrible nightmares about gruesome axe murderers for the rest of his life, I would strongly suggest you stick to PG and milder movies for him. And what does it say about you as a parent and human being that I care more for your son's state of mind than you do?

Alan Smithee, manager
Video Emporium

* * * * *

Dere Elumintry Skuul,

Mi sun haz bin flunkd frum kiddygarden 4 teh thurd tiem. Yore teechurs r no gud! I demmand yu put mi sun in secund graed wiht otter kidz hiz ayge were he belungs or I go to teh noozpappers abut yu.

Al Literate

08-31-2013, 12:33 AM
Dear Mr. Literate:

Your son's school administration and teachers have offered information on therapists many times since they suspect your son has a profound learning disability. However, you have refused every time saying, "If I didn't need them, my son doesn't need them." I urge you to let us send him to a special program that will help him catch up with his peers. We would not want to see your son still in kindergarten when he's old enough to drive.


Duke Stanford, Head School District Commisioner


Dear Home Depot,

I cannot believe your staff called the police on us. My girlfriend was in the mood, so we decided to put the plug into the socket in one of your sheds. As I was using my drill, the police opened the door, showing my nuts and bolt to the world. We weren't bothering anyone. Now, we got screwed with disorderly conduct charges, and I got nailed with a indecent exposure charge. When I complained to the store manager, I found him to be extremely abrasive.

I demand you call the nosy employee to the carpet and clean house. I also demand that you lay the lumber to the store manager, and plant a gift card worth $10,000 in my hands.


Dan Steel

08-31-2013, 04:09 AM
Mr. Micro-Steel

We at Home Depot wish to inform you of our response to your highly inappropriate letter.


Security tapes indicate that not only did you perform a sexual act in one of our sheds, it was in the open-backed display model that faces the daycare center beside us.
Even though your drill is a rather pocket-sized affair, we still hope you enjoy being drilled by your TRULY ENDOWED cell mate at the Obama Correctional Facility after your trial, as the Daycare Center will be pressing charges.

Good Day.


Dear Big Name Cigar Company

I recently purchased a box of your cigars as a former President recommended them to me. Yes, they have nice texture, yes, they smoke great, but my girlfriend won't use them like his did! I demand you refund my money.

Frustratedy Yours,
Ima Slutt

08-31-2013, 10:07 PM
Dear Ima Slutt,

Our cigars are not intended to be used in such a manner. If your girlfriend has more sense than you, good for her. We refuse to refund your money. After all, we don't know what kind of diseases you're carrying, and you probably don't, either.


C. Shane Smokurr,

Regional director number seven in the chain of one hundred corporate executives who have nothing important to do, We make cigars and are proud of it company.


Dear Wonder's Bazaar grocery store,

I went to your store to buy my weekly groceries, and I decided to to your store bringing my Sprawl-Mart ad with me to go do the price-matching program. You see, Sprawl-Mart is having a sale on Dusk dish soap. It's gone down from a dollar and nine cents to a dollar and six cents, and I want to buy as much of it as I can on sale. But your store is so much closer to my house than Sprawl-Mart is. A whole block makes a big difference, you know!

Well, since I haven't cleaned up my kitchen in a week and the dishes are stacked up so high they joined the space program, I desperately needed to buy some dish soap. Well, I decided to break out a grand from my trust fund and went to your store to pick it up, brining with me my Sprawl-Mart ad like I normally do.

So I go to get my groceries, keeping a close watch to buy things only on the Sprawl-Mart ad where the bargains would be better, and of course the things I've always loved. You know, the expensive wine, the fine ice cream, the decadent pastries, you know, important stuff.

However, I get there and I find that the Dusk dish soap is out of stock. Your rude worker, Brian, a pimple-faced young man with some kind of mental disorder and a speech impediment, told me that Wonder's Bazaar doesn't carry Dusk. How can you not carry Dusk? I want it! So I demanded to speak to the store manager, an old friend of mine who has served our family for years.

But your rude new manager refused to let me price-match. I told her that the old store manager did whatever I told him to do, being who I am, but the new store manager told me that my family wealth and name carried no weight and didn't entitle me to break the rules. What is she? A communist?

This is false advertising! This is bait and switch! I want Dusk dish soap, and if you don't provide it to me, I'll take my great-grandfather's hard earned money in my trust fund elsewhere! I need my three cents, and the rest of the money I'd save from the price-match program. That trust fund is all I have to live on!

I demand that you provide me a lifetime supply of Dusk, that you fire that rude new store manager, and that idiot Brian, that you always price-match for me, or better yet, let me come into the store and take whatever I want whenever I want without paying for it. After all, don't you know who my family is?


Ari Stocrat, of the Stocrat family, grandson of the owner of the Overchargeman's Bank & Trust.

09-01-2013, 01:36 AM
Dear Mr. Stocrat,

I apologize for the misunderstanding. I recommended her to take over the store after I was promoted to district manager. I think that she has been doing a good job being the store manager. I am not firing her over one incident. As for Brian, he is unfortunate enough to be mentally disabled. He does simple tasks very well despite his disorder.

As for Dusk Dish Washing Soap, the company that makes it was bought out by Mega & Amber. M&A has decided to stop making Dusk, we will no longer be able to carry it. I would recommend Swan Dish Washing Soap, since it is made by M&A. I am sending you a free bottle of Swan so you can try it on your dishes.


Pete Winn, District Manager, Wonder's Bazaar


Dear Rainbow Day Care Center,

Yesterday, I was picking up my children from the daycare center across the street when I saw an outrageous sight in front of your center. My children and I saw a naked man in your parking lot. I t looked like he was trying to break down your front door. After he failed, he started to chase two women, one of them had a little kid in her arms. Then a policewoman drove up, pointed something at him, and he fell down. He got back up and knocked the policewoman out. After that, he started to chase the other women around the parking lot again. Then, when the other police arrived, he tried to break down your front door again until the other police stopped him.

What kind of daycare lets a naked man run around in the parking lot? My children saw the whole debacle. If you continue to have naked men run around your parking lot, I will have you shut down forever.


Electra Kompanay

09-03-2013, 07:48 AM
Dear Ms. Kompanay,

We have no control over who runs around our parking lot. However, we do call the police when necessary.


Baby Care Center

Dear Craft Store Manager,

I came into your store, requested that one of your employees get some items for me, and she told me I had to get them myself. I was steamed so I stormed over to the foam ball section and smashed all the balls. I want the employee fired for being rude to me and a personal shopper every time I come into the store. If you don't do what I want, I will come to your store and cut up your felt and yarn into tiny pieces.


S. P. Oiledbrat

09-04-2013, 02:10 AM
Dear Miss Oiledbrat,

We were wondering whatever happened to you. Why, we haven't seen you in ten years! Which, incidentally, is about as long as you were in prison for vandalism and theft from Play 'till it hurts sporting goods store next door to us, wasn't it?

Yes. We would be happy to let you have a personal shopper and everything you asked for - after your second stint in prison is over. You see, one of our shoppers called the police on you. We barely had to say a word; they knew who to look for. So expect them to visit you soon.

Signed Shan Tilly Layce,

Assistant manager of The Fabric Experience craft store.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Playing 'till it hurts sporting goods store,

I went into your store to buy the things I needed to go dynamite fishing, only to have your worthless employee, Rose, tell me that, first of all, I needed a fishing license, and secondly, that dynamite fishing is a crime!

What would a woman know about anything sports-related. I told her to go back to the kitchen and get me a man, to which she proceeded to bench-press a thousand pounds in front of me. She made me so mad I set off a stick of dynamite right then and there and threw it at her. Do you know what she did next? The horrible woman threw it back at me with a tennis racquet!

My dynamite landed in my car and blew it up!

I demand a million dollars in compensation, that you fire every woman who works for you except for pretty, dumb blonde receptionists and replace them all with men, and that you sell dynamite in your store. If you don't, I'll come back when your store is closed and blow it to bits. Might teach you all a lesson.

Signed, Bob Bastic-Blaster.

09-04-2013, 03:43 AM
Dear Mr. Bastic-Blaster:

You wouldn't happen to be related to the woman that vandalized the craft store next door, would you?

First, Rose was absolutely correct. You do need a license to fish per state law. You cannot use dynamite to fish per federal law. In fact, it is illegal to be in possession of dynamite unless you have a special license.

I've reviewed the security tapes. Rose only bench pressed 300 lbs. I guess you're used to exaggerating the size of things. Throwing a lit stick of dynamite is considered attempted murder. You're lucky that Rose's girlfriend, Kaori, wasn't there. Kaori is a third degree black belt in karate. There is no fourth degree black belt in her discipline.

I have given a copy of this letter to the police. You should hope that the police find you before Kaori does.


Jackson Jordan, Store Manager, Playing 'til It Hurts Sports


Dear Jefferson Insurance Company:

My friend and I went hunting in the middle of the desert. We took my brand new 4x4 Chevy. We found a little coyote that fell into one of our traps. We got that coyote out of the trap and taped two sticks of dynamite to that coyote and lit them. At first, it started to run away, but it did a complete 180. It started to run toward us. We managed to run away from it, but that stupid coyote ran under my truck. The truck was destroyed when the dynamite exploded.

When I called the insurance adjuster, he got all rude and told me that you weren't going to pay for a new truck. He said something about "illegal activity." I demand that you give me $60,000 to replace my truck, and fire that rude adjuster.


Earnest Dick

09-04-2013, 07:57 AM
Mr. Earnest
Our employee is correct, however, he was polite and professional; you were the rude one. Also note we have cancelled your policy and contacted our collections agency for the remaining $60,000 on your policy.
As for replacing your truck after your explosive attempt at poaching, We Are Disinclined To Acquiesce To Your Request. Means No.

Jefferson Insurance
Where Your Money Does More For Us Than It Will Ever Do For You.


Dear Barkday Publisher
I recently submitted my manuscript for publishing. I am pleased with your packaging, binding, and speedy service, however, I'm not on the New York Top Ten. That's your job: get me on the Top Ten list.
I am taking my business elsewhere to one of your competitors.
Ms. Informed, Author
((This is a true story, btw. My Father wrote a book and expected the publisher to do all the work.))

09-05-2013, 01:20 AM
Dear Author, we are sorry, but we don't control the public taste. The fact that you wrote a book that was a mere admixture of Star Wars and Twilight... the only reason we took your book is that we're a vanity press. If you want to succeed, don't rip off someone else's work. And remember, publishing with us is free. But if you expect us to do any of the work for you, you have to pay - a lot. We'll be waiting for your check in the mail.

(I am a novelist who didn't know what a vanity press, one in particular, was when I got started...)


Richard B. Skammur,

Owner of PublishEverywhere, where we don't charge for your book - but we do charge for everything else.


Dear Empress magazine,

I was reading your magazine and found an article about proper child rearing by sisters Dr. Karyn and Prof. Rowena Beltane. They said that it had become quite clear to them in their respective years as a pediatrician and a school teacher, and the study they did together of children in England, where the Beltane sisters live, that children should not be exposed to a steady diet of television, nor should children be permitted to use the Internet for long periods of time unsupervised.

Instead, the Beltane sisters insisted that parents take up the practice of taking children to museums and libraries, forcing books on children by making reading a family affair, with suggestions such as reading to your children before bed. They particularly liked The Chronicles of Narnia as books approriate for young children. They also said that children do best when given time going outside and playing as long as a parent is also playing with them, especially if the parent takes the children to a park.

As a busy working father, I am offended at the suggestions that these two self-righteous sisters make of other people's lives! I am far too busy with my job, and my girlfriend, to be bothered with my four rambunctious children and their incessant demands.

How dare these two sisters, who have never met me, say that they feel I should turn off the television, regulate the Internet with some program called Net Supernanny, and take my children anywhere but Burger World?

As for making them read, isn't school supposed to do that? It's not my job. And just where do these two judgemental know-it-alls thinks I'm going to get the time to take my children to any park? Can't I just let them out in the back yard while my girlfriend and I, uh, well, you know?

I demand that you remove that article from your magazine, forbid those two women from publishing anything else in it except for an apology, that you print a new article telling parents how wonderful television and the Internet are for kids and that they couldn't possibly be harmful, and that kids are perfectly fine in the back yard without a parent around. I also demand that you give me a million dollars and a year's free subscription to your magazine.


Kane Knott B. Bothered,

Father of, Er, Tax Deduction 1, Tax Deduction 2, Tax Deduction 3, and daughter with so many medical problems I'm ready to send her to the orphanage.

(Out of game, The Empress is a tarot card. To be precise, it is the card of motherhood, making it the perfect name for a wiccan-based parenting advice magazine.)

09-06-2013, 09:00 AM
Dear Mr. Bothered,

Your children are your responsibility and the sisters are right about limiting tv and the internet. Also, it's part of your job to watch them and teach them things like how to read. You won't be getting anything from us. We have alerted CPS to come over and give you a warning.


Empress Magazine Editor

Dear Maternity Ward Manager,

I recently had a baby girl and it hurt a lot. I wasn't informed that giving birth would really hurt. I demand you inform mothers-to-be that having a baby will be very painful. If you don't, I will walk all over the maternity ward with a megaphone announcing over and over that having a baby will hurt like crazy.


Mrs. Labor

09-06-2013, 01:24 PM
Dear Mrs. Labor,

An OB/GYN could have told you how giving birth can be. However, the first time you found out that you were pregnant, you were already in labor. In fact, when we finally got the pregnancy test results, you were giving birth. You gave us no opportunity to tell you how painful giving birth can be.

Please don't come into our hospital with a megaphone. The on-duty police will be forced to confiscate your megaphone and take you to jail. We would rather have you at home taking care of your baby girl.


Benjamin Nemoy


Dear Goodyear Tire Company,

I was driving down the road trying to get away from the cops. I was starting to pull away from them when one of them put a black strip across the road. Suddenly, all four of my tires went flat. The next thing I know, I have a dozen of cops pointing guns at me, yelling for me to get out of the car. I demand that you pay for me to replace all four of your shoddy tires on my car, and you pay the legal fees that I could have avoided if those tires had stayed up.


M. O. Ron

Lace Neil Singer
09-06-2013, 01:52 PM
Dear Mr Ron,

Thank you so much for the written evidence of your wrongdoing. You see, we called the police on you after your visit to our company when we found several items missing. We obviously are going to press charges, and thanks to your confession in writing, we are sure of getting a conviction.

See you in court!

Yours, Goodyear Tire Company.


Dear Petrol Station Manager,

I came in to get petrol the other day, only to find that there were cones across the entrance. When I drove in the back way, your employee, the fat girl called Clare, had the nerve to tell me that the petrol station was closed. This is bullshit! I happen to know for a fact that the petrol station closes at ten, and my watch said clearly that it was five minutes too. I demand that you fire Clare, and give me a week's free petrol in order to keep my custom.

Yours, Mrs I Cantelltime.

09-08-2013, 10:07 PM
Dear Mrs. Cantelltime,

Our records show that you arrived at midnight. By that time, we had been closed. Clare was only there because she'd had to return to the store. You see, when she got home, she found that she had forgotten her purse at work and had to go back and get it.

We shall not give you free petrol. From what we can tell, you've quite enough gas to become dangerous combustible already.

Signed, Di Urnal, Manager of Punctual's Petrol Station.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Refreshing Rivers Water Park,

I went to your water park with my family to enjoy the last weeks of summer. But when we get there, what do I find? That I have to hide my children's eyes because of the bathing suits some of the girls are wearing! When I confront them and demand they put on more clothing, they tell me to stop being so uptight. Of all the nerve!

Then, as we are swimming in one of the pools which I paid the guard to keep private for my family for the hour and not let anyone else in, the guard goes off to lunch and lets another guard replace him. This second guard refuses my money and, worst of all, lets several other people in. As I pull my family and get them out, a man who is obviously poor as dirt gets in my way, saying he needs to get to his son because his son has drifted into the deep end. I push the man out of my way. He fell, hit his head, and tumbled into the water, while some little brat just starts screaming on the far end of the pool.

As I'm getting on the pavement, I slip and scratch up my knee. Well, the replacement lifeguard doesn't care about me. Neither does this very sickeningly obese woman who was running right behind him. He just runs right past me to go save that worthless man I pushed into the water. First he gets him out, then goes to retrieve that little boy, while the disgusting woman starts tending to the man.

When I ask her what she's doing, she says that she's a nurse who just happened to be at the water park, and felt she would be needed when she saw the man who got in my way hit his head and fell into the pool. I demanded she look at my leg, and she did, but only after I had to wait the considerably long time for this slovenly woman to finish up on what she called 'first responder' care to this man, and then his son.

I demand lifetime passes to your water park, and that, on the days when I come, you allow no one else to be there. If you don't, I will go straight to court. With my husband's wealth and connections, we will own your park and then we can claim it all to yourselves. I also demand that you impose a dress clode and require that one cannot weigh more than a hundred pounds before they enter the park.

And fire the lifeguard! How dare he refuse my money, refuse to keep a pool exclusively for me, and put clearly impoverished people before me!

Signed, Betty Tan-You

09-09-2013, 06:53 PM
Dear Mrs. Tan-You,

The Refreshing Rivers Water Park has forwarded your letter to us.

First, if patrons pay for entrance to the water park and follow the local laws, they will be welcomed into the water park. Keep that previous sentence in mind.

Second, the park has fired the lifeguard that you bribed to keep other patrons out. The second lifeguard was the head of the lifeguards for the park. He has done a good job keeping the lifeguards under him trained in emergency situations.

As for that "poor as dirt" man that you have viciously assaulted, that man is an Army veteran who served in Afghanistan. We told him that we would help with his medical bills if he reported it to the police. The head lifeguard, who served in the Coast Guard, did his job rescuing both the man and his son. As for that "sickeningly obese" nurse, we have paid for her to have season passes for the rest of this summer and all of next summer.

We have also sent a copy to your local police department and district attorney's office. After they have finished pursuing criminal charges, we will pursue the cost of the veteran's medical bills. Have a nice day.


Anthony Zucco
Head of Legal, Salty Battleship Insurance, LLC


Dear UPS,

Last week, my brother requested our late mother's wind-up alarm clock. I decided to pack it up and ship it at the UPS Store. When I get there, the clerk decided to tell everyone in the store to get out, muttering something about a ticking time bomb. I had to convince the police's bomb disposal unit that the package was harmless. When they finally opened the package and found my mother's clock, they threw me in jail for disturbing the peace. The only thing I found disturbing was the clerk's attitude.

I want you to ship my mother's clock for free and fire that rude clerk.


Kesha Heure

Lace Neil Singer
09-10-2013, 10:44 PM
Dear Mrs Heure,

I am sorry that you see something wrong in our attempts to protect our customers' lives. You see, we had an actual bomb scare a few months ago, and ever since then, we have tightened our restrictions. Any clerk who doesn't abide by these rules would get severely reprimanded, so I'm afraid that we are not going to fire him. Instead, he has been nominated for Employee Of The Month for his sterling work. In any case, according to the police, you have played these little tricks before and, like ours, their patience has finally run out.

Yours, UPS.


Dear Pizza Hut manager,

Yesterday, I and my seven adorable children went out for a meal in your restaurant. I sent my children to the buffet while I played Angry Birds on my phone. Barely five minutes later, one of your staff, a Hispanic man, interrupted me to tell me that my children were misbehaving and to remove them from the buffet. For God's sake! They were only being kids. The food fight wasn't that extensive, and anyway, it's your staff's job to clear up after them. I demand free food for a year, and a £100 gift voucher to atone for my hurt feelings.

Yours, Mrs Terri Balmum.

09-12-2013, 07:48 PM
Dear Mrs. Balmum,

Your children, who are more important than your Angry Birds game, made a mess of the buffet which is why we require adult supervision when children go to the buffet. Also, it's your job to take care of your kids and we won't be giving you free food or a voucher.


P. Izza

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your store when it opened so I could shop in peace. However, I was offended that there were people in the aisles that I wanted to go into. I had to wait for the aisle to clear before entering it. Thanks to the other customers, my shopping took longer than I planned. I demand from now on when I enter the store that you make the other customers leave the store and stay out until I'm done. If you don't, I will come into the store with a boom box and play loud rock music at full volume.


Sol I. Taryshopper

09-12-2013, 10:40 PM
Dear Mr. Taryshopper,

When we open our doors, we open to the public. That means that anyone in good standing with our grocery store is allowed, including those who are in our store for the first time. We simply cannot keep people out because a patron is uncomfortable with their presence. If your social phobia is really that bad, I would suggest contacting the Cape Fear Mental and Behavioral Health Clinic. As for the boom box, we will allow it as long as you keep the volume at a reasonable level.

Thank you for your business.


Chester Taylor, Store Manager, Full Foods Supermarket


Dear Animal Shelter,

I have been fostering cats and kittens for your shelter. I have fostered black cats, white cats, gray cats, and even a calico. Your shelter has not given me an orange tabby to foster. I demand that the next litter of kittens have at least one orange tabby. If you give me a litter of kittens and there is no orange tabby, I am going to hiss at someone.

Other than that, I will miss these foster kittens when I finally give them back to you.


Nadia Fortune

Irving Patrick Freleigh
09-13-2013, 12:14 AM
Dear Fortune:

You'll be happy to know we've recently had an orange tabby surrendered to us. It has three legs, an awful case of mange, and green stuff oozing out of its eyes. I think it will be perfect for you.


Dear Salvation Army Thrift Store:

While at your shop I purchased what I thought was a cassette single of Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven." Imagine my horror when I put it in my tape deck and the strains of Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" came out of my speakers instead.

I set my stereo system on fire. I demand you reimburse me its $2,000 value. Otherwise I will put used condoms in your donation kettles this holiday season.

Bustle in my Hedgegrow

09-13-2013, 01:06 AM
Dear Bustle in my Hedgegrow :

We apologize that you purchased something that was incorrectly labeled, but please understand that everything that we sell comes from donations. What people do with these things before they are donated to us, we have learned not to ask... There was a sign above you that invited people to listen to what they were buying before they bought it.

We won't be sending you any 2,000 dollars. But we are sending you a full set of curtains with colors that sickeningly clash with your décor, as well as a box of matches and a gallon of oil, as we feel that your stereo was not enough. One should burn down their entire house in order to purge it of the taint of "Break my stride."


Paula Yolanda Romaniac.

Liberation Navy Thrift Store


Dear Masquerade cosmetics company,

I went into your retail store the other day to find new cosmetics, as I had thrown out my whole case of makeup because no color I had matched my complexion at all. You see, my complexion is perfect, white, silky, and smooth, and so I can have nothing but the best, and I was told by my servant, er, best friend, Lillian, that you're the best. I have to say Lillian lied.

When I went into your shop, first the person who greeted me was a young woman who wore the wrong color of eye shadow. Whoever heard of a black girl wearing violet eye shadow? Disgusting!

She came up to me, and I demanded that she send me someone who I could stand looking at. After going through a red-headed girl who looked like she took makeup lessons from Miss Piggy, and a young man who had a rainbow scarf and a big diamond ring. How inappropriate. Finally, she sent me a young blonde, blue-eyed girl who looked like I want to look like. It depressed me to see her, but at least I could stand looking at her.

After I made this girl, Barabra, by the way, follow me all around the store trying every possible color and piece of makeup, ranging from Rainy Storm Grey to Forest Fantasy Pine, from Lavender Dream to Puce Nightmare, she finally convinced me that I should try the Baby Pastel Rose Petal shade, and tricked me into buying a whole kit of it.

Well, after I got home, I decided to go look in the mirror, and I couldn't see it anymore. How is anyone supposed to notice how beautiful I am if my makeup blends to my face so well?

I took it back to your store. The black girl, Marla, was there and said she couldn't take returns on opened merchandise, and dared to suggest that I should pay for what I already used with Barbara! She'd even put it all up in a bag for me!

I took the makeup, and I left that dumb Marla a credit card, then left while she was busy. The joke's on her - that card is from my old bank that I left because I disapproved of their policies. Imagine, only giving me 10 percent interest on whatever was in my checking account. Unbelievable!

Well, anyway, I want to keep all the makeup. After all, Christmas is coming and my friends would love to get this stuff under their trees. But I don't want to pay for it. And I expect you to send me your top makeup consultant to meet with me in person at my house and find the perfect makeup for me, for free, of course. And a million dollars to compensate me for my time and my gasoline.

If you don't do all these things, I will call my brother. He just got out of prison for armed robbery and assault. He's always been my protector, despite how crude and uncouth he is. The man simply cannot hire a competent lawyer, but he knows how to deal with it when I don't get my way, so I strongly suggest that you be a good manager and cooperate with me.

Disgruntedly your's,
Ann Pleasable.

09-17-2013, 06:08 PM
Dear Ms. Pleasable:

The point of makeup is to accentuate your natural looks, not be seen by itself. We like to call that "Halloween Makeup." It's the kind of makeup that Ronald McDonald wears. We don't sell that kind of makeup.

Also, we have sent a copy to this letter to the District Attorney's office. I'm sure that the police will be visiting you shortly. After all, you admitted to shoplifting, and you made a threat against our store. I'm sure that the district attorney has sent a copy to your brother's parole officer. I know that since they won't be able to arrest him for your threat, yet, they can warn him about violating his parole.


Jenny Avon Cash, Masquerade Cosmetics Company


Dear Dress and Belt Wardrobe House,

I was in your store last week and saw this woman with a service dog. I thought that it was nice that she was training him and told her so. Imagine my shock that he was HER service dog. That woman was not blind or disabled in any way. I tried to take the leash away from her, but she seemed to have a vice-like grip on it. Then I tried to get this dog to sit by pushing his behind down.

Then your rude sales clerk runs over. Instead of helping me, she starts yelling at me, telling me to leave this faker alone. I grab the dog and try to pick him up, but I should have known better than to pick up a golden retriever. Then these two police men run up, put me in handcuffs, tell me that I'm under arrest, and they charge me with assault and cruelty to an animal. I told them they should have arrest the faker for fraudulently getting a service dog. I have never been so humiliated in my life.

I demand that you ban dog faker, fire the rude clerk, and give me a $2,000 gift card.


Har P. Keller

Lace Neil Singer
09-17-2013, 11:18 PM
Dear Mr Keller,

For your information, the woman with the service dog is my niece, and she most certainly does require a service dog. Why? Cuz she's deaf, and her dog is a Hearing Dog for the Deaf. I recommend sensitivity training for you, as it will no doubt help you when the case gets to court. They might go easy on you if you at least make an effort to atone for your ignorance in assuming that only blind people have service dogs.

Yours, Ms Manager.


Dear Manager of Traction Water Park,

I would like to make a complaint about the terrible staff at your water park. I went there the other day with my adorable nephews. They of course wished to go on the Mega Dangerous Corkscrew Water Slide, but that horrid rude employee of yours wouldn't let them! He kept saying they weren't tall enough, or some crap like that. His name was Ben Wilcox and he had terrible acne. Excuse me, but Ben ruined my nephew's day out completely so I would like him to be fired and for you to give me a year's free entry to the water park.

Yours, Mrs Helen Highwater.

09-18-2013, 08:38 PM
(This is not a good day for water parks.)

Dear Mrs. Highwater,

Actually, what he said was that we had to close down the park and evacuate, which we did. You see, not only did two great white sharks, a mother and her baby, get into our ocean section and smash the underwater tunnels, but in our freshwater pools, mutant piranhas who should be extinct came in and had a picnic on our patrons.

We very much apologize for this, but please remember, between the shark attacks and the piranha attacks, we didn't dare let anyone remain in the park. So we evacuated everyone - except for you and your nephews, who simply refused to leave and insisted on going down the MDCWS, where the mother shark was waiting for someone to drop in . . . Naturally, Ben pulled the boy off the MDCWS, and carried him to the gates.

We will be giving you free tickets to come another day, but that's going to be long-long after we've finished making major corrections to ensure that the only fish in our park are the ones we cook in the cafe.

Yours, Aquarius Washout, Traction Water Park,

(OOC: Yes, this is a take on Jaws 3 & Piranha DD. Remember, see them before you go swimming . . .)


Dear Fairy Kisses confection shop,

I am terribly sorry to be so unkind as to trouble you with this, but one of my sons has become unbelievably ill from your delicious pastries. You see, I had to go to work, and so as a result, I now have my Mother serve as the babysitter for my children. But the other day, she couldn't do it and sent for a babysitting service. Mind you, she didn't tell me she was doing this.

Well, the reason I'm writing to you, if you'll forgive it, is that the babysitter who got sent over from the service took the children from my Mother for the day. But either Mother forgot or the woman must have misplaced my sheet of daily instructions. It was an honest mistake, I'm sure. However, the sitter didn't take the children to the park to get their daily exercise, nor did she read to them or make them do their chores. Instead, she took them out for pizza and then to your store, and let them buy whatever they wanted. With my credit card, which I let the children keep but they know only to use it for emergencies.

Anyway, the problem is, one of my sons is a diabetic, and he ate so much candy from your store that he fell violently ill. The sitter called me to come and get him, and so I left my job to go tend to my son, and took him to the hospital. Could you please pay me back for my son's medical bills? It's such a great financial burden and my boss told me that I was fired for running out on him just to deal with my son. I do understand. He needed me at work. I shouldn't have left, but my son needed me. By the way, do you need another employee? I currently have a vacancy in my work situation and rent is getting due. The landlady needs her money because she has . . . well, never mind. I'm sorry for rambling. Just, can you help me? The sitter swore this is your fault for letting three kids eat all the candy they want.

Please and thank you, Evernice Doormat.

P. S., I think you people do a wonderful job. But please put up signs saying diabetic children should not eat your wares. Thanks. Have a nice day.

09-19-2013, 10:52 PM
Dear Mrs. Doormat,

I am sorry that your son has gotten sick from eating our candy. From what I can tell from your letter, it sounds like either your mother or the baby sitter was negligent in letting your children buy our candies. We simply cannot afford to pay for son's medical bills since the ingredients were not tainted, nor were they improperly handled when they were made. Since we are a small business, we do not have any openings at this time.

Thank you,

William Hershey, Fairy Kisses Confection Shop


Dear Land Shark Landscaping,

Earlier this week, I hired your company to replace our walkway since it had really ugly cracks. The walkway looks great, but do you people really have to be that loud? I had to turn my TV all the way up to 50 just to hear it when they operated that jack hammer, or that saw, or the concrete mixer. The worst thing is that nobody on your team was wearing hearing protection.

I demand that you forget your bill because I found the noise excessive and disturbing. I am also not going to pay for your workers going deaf.


Scott Flaw

Lace Neil Singer
09-20-2013, 02:23 PM
Dear Mr Flaw,

I'm sorry to hear that you are displeased with the noise our workmen made. However, it's inescapable that using drills, concrete mixers etc is going to make unavoidable noise. We find that using cushions doesn't get us thru the walkway surface. I assure you that our workers use noise protection so will not go deaf.

Oh yes, and if you don't pay our bill, the next letter you receive will be from our solicitor.

Yours, Land Shark Landscaping.


Dear Fed Ex,

When you delivered the package I ordered, did you have to bang on the door like that? You woke my baby who is unable to sleep unless there is complete silence about. I am disgusted at your poor customer service and I demand a gift card in compensation.


Mrs U N Reasonable.

09-21-2013, 03:14 AM
Dear Mrs. Reasonable,

Usually, our drivers just knock on the door and leave the package, but this package required an adult signature. The driver had to knock loudly to get someone's attention. He can't just wait to get noticed by a homeowner. Since this package's sender required a signature and he couldn't get one, we still have your package. Please call us to schedule a delivery.




Dear Mr. Burnie Rubber,

Thank you for expressing interest in buying our car. Why did you send me an email at 3 in the morning? My computer makes a loud noise when I receive an email. This loud noise woke my baby and me. How can you be so inconsiderate to us?

I demand that you buy my car, my piano, and my ratty couch.


Helen Weels

09-21-2013, 08:55 AM
Dear Ms. Weels,

I would recommend adjusting your volume settings for receiving emails. I'm also sorry about waking you and your baby but I only want the car.


Burnie Rubber

Dear Police Station Chief,

Your rude officer had no right to arrest me! All I did was stand on a street corner and flash red cars and moon blue ones as they passed by. I demand you drop the charges immediately. If you don't, I will show up at my trial wearing nothing.


Mrs. Moonflasher

09-21-2013, 08:41 PM
Dear Mrs. Moonflasher,

Flashing cars is considered indecent exposure. If you come to court wearing nothing, you will not only get another indecent exposure charge, but you might be found in contempt of court.


James Reed
Chief of Police


Dear Big Foods Grocery,

I really like your cashier, Diane. She looks good as a blonde. Imagine my shock when I went to your store yesterday and saw Diane with red hair. How dare she dye her hair in such a color. I don't want to look at a ginger while I'm buying groceries.

I demand that Diane bleaches her hair back to blond. I also demand that she goes out on a date with me.


Barry Marquis

09-23-2013, 01:36 PM
Mr. Marquis,
We at Big Foods Grocery respect our employees more than you do apparently. This letter is to inform you of your right to grace our competitors with your discriminatory opinions and actions.

J. Ingles

Dear "To Whom It May Concern" Corp.

I'm writing to complain about your products. MUST you really manufacture 7.62x39 ammunition in such vast, overwhelming quantity and be so brazen as to label each bullet with your logo?!

I demand you cease and desist your foray into the weapons and ammunition market immediately. Otherwise, I'll end up like my Sergeant... Slaughtered.

Corporal Ina Foxhole

09-25-2013, 11:18 PM
Dear Cprl. Foxhole,

We apologize, but we at the "To Whom It May Concern" corporation are not responsible for that product in any way. We do not make, market, or produce any kind of munitions whatsoever.

But we have looked in to it for you. The company that does is the Warmonger Coproration, which specializes in making all kinds of things the world just doesn't need, such as nuclear weapons, chemical and bio-weapons, and of course, firearms and bullets. They have, thus far, managed to avoid all attempts to regulate or even slow down their deliberate proliferation of weaponry, and in fact are known for selling their products to both sides at the same time.

We apologize, and we are greatly concerned. We would get you out of there, but that would be desertion. However, you have given us a new idea for a product, and we'll be sending you one . . . Our new mirrorized bullet-proof vest that doesn't merely stop bullets - it'll reflect them back at the shooter.

Please enjoy one complimentary mirrorized bullet-proof vest. We're sending it the fastest way possible, so please stay in your hole and pray it gets to you before the enemy does. We care.

Signed, Cam Pasi Onitte, executive director of "To Whom It May Concern."


Dear Dark Secrets Corporation,

I was one of the first people to purchase your new product, Singlasses, which are capable of revealing to you the secret sins of anyone you look at.

At first they worked out perfectly, as I saw that my three-year old son broke the cookie jar and my neighbor lied to his mother when he was seven because he didn't want her angry that his father came home late . . .

Well, so far so good. But your product doesn't work after all. See, the reason I bought them was to prove my wife was cheating. Instead, the Singlasses didn't tell me anything about her, except that she's become a non-believer and now volunteers at a palliative clinic for A. I. D. S. patients. They didn't show her cheating on me at all!

And what's worse, when I accidentally caught myself in the mirror, they showed me things that I've been long-forgiven for: My sneaking hundreds out of the collection plate and replacing them with ones, my affair with Barbara, and Mallory, and Julia, and Jane . . . That I cheated my brother out of his inheritance, then refused to let him live with me when he became homeless. But I had to. He was gay!

So I demand ten billion dollars in compensation for the agony I have gone through, and that you put warning labels on the Singlasses that they don't really work and that mirrors should be avoided at all costs! If you don't, I will put my Singlasses on, go visit you with the help of reporter Barbara Walters, and have her broadcast all your secret sins on the six o'clock news!

Rev. Judah Mentalhyp Ocrite.

09-26-2013, 05:25 AM
Dear "Reverend" Ocrite,

First, you are delusional. We never claimed that anyone could look at a person and see their sins. We called those sunglasses "Singlasses" because it makes you look like you're sinful. Also, I showed your wife this letter. She's hiring a divorce lawyer. I am also hiring a lawyer since you just admitted that you cheated me of my inheritance. Not only is she my sister-in-law, she also works at the AIDS clinic where I volunteer.

You want ten billion dollars. We'd like ten billion dollars, too, but we're a small company. We don't have $10 billion just lying around. As for contacting Barbara Walters, she doesn't do investigative reporting anymore. If you're thinking of contacting Mike Wallace, I wouldn't bother. Mike Wallace has passed away, and Mike Wallace is a wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. Neither one of them do investigative reporting, either.

If you're wondering, I married a wonderful man last year.


Luke Ocrite
Head of Customer Service, Dark Secrets, LLC


Dear State of West Virginia,

Last year, my company sent me to Princeton, WV, just before Thanksgiving. I was doing business when it snowed hard. I had to drive back home in North Carolina that day. I had to endure white out conditions until I arrived in Wytheville, VA. I could not drive more than 20 until it stopped snowing. In fact, a woman who lives there

Now I'm being sent to Charleston, WV. For compensation for the dangers your crappy weather, I demand that you let me drive your tollway without having to pay the tolls.


Snow Den

09-28-2013, 06:09 AM
Dear Mr. Den,

We have no control over the weather but you could've called your boss and explained the situation. Also, you need to pay tolls like everyone else.


West Virginia Governor

Dear Dance Club Owner,

I came to your club with my daughter so we could celebrate her graduating college. However, I was offended to see men and women dancing with poles and wearing only underclothes. I demanded you make your dancers wear more clothing and dance like normal people. If you don't, I will burn down your club and make all my friends and family help.


Mrs. Clueless

09-28-2013, 09:16 PM
Dear Mrs. Clueless,

Our club is a gentleman's club, or as some unrefined people would call a strip club. We pay women to take their clothes off and dance on the poles. I wasn't aware that men were dancing on the poles. We are open 24 hours a day, and we have been threatened with arson before. We have sent a copy of your letter to the police.

We would like to congratulate your daughter's graduation. I hope she has more sense than you.


Hugh Flynt, Illusions Gentleman's Club


Dear Tennessee Country Chicken,

I was eating breakfast in your restaurant the other day. I went to sit at the front window to admire your shrubbery when I saw them. At the base of your shrubs, I saw a dozen small, brown birds. All of them were picking at the ground. I alerted the manager about these pests, and he completely blew me off, muttering something about a "bird sanctuary."

I want you to to fire that rude manager and hire someone to shoo those birds off. If nothing is done, I'm bringing my cat to take care of the problem. Not only will my cat take care of the problem; I'll save money on cat food.


David Audoban

09-29-2013, 03:08 AM
Dear Mr. Audoban,

How very ironic that have a similar name to a foremost ornithologist when you yourself hate birds so much!. Yes, there is a bird sanctuary very nearby, and what you were seeing is the critically endangered Münchhausen's Sparrow, barely brought back from the brink of extinction by that very sanctuary. The birds like to come over for the birdseed we put out for them, and our customers genuinely love to see such rare birds.

Not only do we refuse your request, but if you do bring your cat to our restaurant, we have every right to call the police and have you arrested for violating the law against bringing pet animals into places of business. You are hereby invited to dine elsewhere.

Bob White, owner,
Tennessee Country Chicken

* * * * *

Dear Restaurant Owner,

I came by the other night for a hamburger. When I tried to order one, the idiot at the counter rudely informed me that this was a pizza shop. Well, how was I to know that? He proceeded to point out the menu, the name of the place written on the uniform of every loser working there and on the front door, and even said he greeted me with 'Welcome to Luigi's Pizza, may I take your order?' Well, I've got better things to do than listen to some pimple-faced moron's babblings or stare at signs!

I demand that you give me $200,000 for my embarrassment and suffering and fire that dumbass, I think his name was Andy, or Adam, or Alan, or some stupid thing, I didn't really look at his nametag. Not that it matters, they're all morons, or they wouldn't work there.

Will Not-Read

10-01-2013, 11:15 AM
Dear Mr.Not-Read

I apologize most sincerely for our staff member's lack of helpfulness and wish to thank you for highlighting a glaring omission in our training manual-previously we have only shown our staff how to deal with customers who have a mental capacity exceeding that of an amoeba. As compensation,please find enclosed vouchers for a selection of 7'' pizzas of your choice(good only at Bert's Burgers).
As for the embarrassment and suffering you have been put through,I consider this to be minimal compared to the embarrassment and suffering of being Mr. Not-Read for which no amount of money could ever compensate you.

Luigi Piatto Criceto
Owner,Luigi's Pizzas

Dear Sportstravaganza
I am mortified beyond belief. I brought my 12-year-old daughter to your store to find that the new season cheer jerseys were in. She was so delighted she could not wait for the fitting room to empty,but had to try it on there and then. It was then that we noticed a group of lads in the adjoining Pennants section were watching her and enjoying the spectacle.

What sort of shop is it where decent families cannot take off their clothing in a public place without being gawped at like a piece of meat by young hoodlums-the parents obviously don't teach their children any morals nowadays

As compensation for her humiliation,I demand a free cheer outfit each year for the rest of her time in high school and that you pay for the full cost of the psychological treatment she will need as a result of being traumatized by these lads' perverted antics or I will tell all the papers about the degenerates and hoodlums you let roam your store...

C.I. Flashett (Mrs.)

10-01-2013, 02:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Flashett,

Most people have the sense to use the changing rooms to undress to try on clothes. The reason people were gawking is because they couldn't believe their eyes. That's why we have fitting rooms. Admittedly, those boys' actions were inappropriate, but so was changing clothes in the open.

Not only will we not give you any uniforms, we are banning you from our store because you let your 12-year-old daughter commit a lewd act.


James Wade, Store Manager


Dear WIXD,

How dare you interrupt the music I was listening to. I was listening to the new Lil' Wayne song when I heard an awful sound. Then, some guy gets on the air, saying something about a severe thunderstorm coming into my area. How dare you! Nobody should ever interrupt the greatness of Lil' Wayne under any circumstance.

I demand that you give me your entire music library, or I will come down there with a bulldozer and knock down your building and your antenna.


Katrina Hazel

10-01-2013, 04:05 PM
Dear Miss Hazel,

For once,I am in total agreement with a consumer's complaint. By your admission,you heard an awful sound.That WAS the Lil'Wayne song. As a direct result of the thunderstorm blocking your hearing of this song,the entire WIXD team will be performing a rain dance for the next week. You are welcome to our music library.Please-take our playlist too.Just leave the antenna and substitute the library with something that passes for music.

Yours sincerely,
'Turbo Tom' Tigawniez (underpaid angel of the airwaves),WIXD.

Dear All-American Steakhouse,
You state in your brochure that you are proud to hire the very best homegrown American waiters and waitresses and 'each of them on their name pin will have the name and flag of their respective home state'.Our server,Amista(probably a mis-spelling of Misty) had some funny flag that I've never seen before-and I know all my flags.
It also said she comes from Gommi or Gummi or Gummiland or something weird like that-it sounds like some sort of children's fairytale land.I know my states and that isn't one of them and if people don't like their state,they can't just make one up.
I expect a full guarantee that this foreigner be carted off to whichever country she slipped in from and that in future I may inspect all your waitresses to make sure I am happy with their state.

Yours sincerely,
A Proud Patriotic American Citizen

10-02-2013, 07:29 AM
Dear Patron,

Apparently, you have a problem reading. In our brochure, we state that we are proud that we use American beef, chicken, and vegetables. Nowhere does it say that we hire only "homegrown" waiters and waitress since that would be considered discrimination. The only servers that have first names starting with "A" are Aaron Statler from Goldsboro, NC, and Amy Stone from Punta Gorda, Belize. Both happen to be going to school at the nearby University. Before you ask, Amy has a valid work visa.

The only thing I can guarantee is if you make a scene, we will ask you to leave and never come back.


Clint Washington, All-American Steakhouse


Dear Stony Wall Movie Theater,

How dare you kick me out of your theater in the middle of a movie. I was yelling at the screen, warning Vin Diesel not to enter a room where Mel Gibson was waiting to kill him. All of a sudden, an usher came to my seat, telling me to leave immediately or the police will be called. When I asked him, he told me that I was bothering the other customers and the people on the screen can't hear me. When I asked for a refund, the manager flat out refused. I was on a date with a woman I had been interested for the past two years. It was our first date. Thanks to your staff, she decided she didn't want to go on a second date.

I want you to give me my money back and fire that rude usher and his rude manager. Remember reading about the US Supreme decision saying that we can't yell "fire" in a theater? Let's just say, when someone yells fire in your theater, it won't be illegal.


Doofy Duke

10-06-2013, 09:25 AM
Dear Mr.Duke,

Our ushers sympathize immediately with Mr.Diesel's predicament-for they were also warned about entering a room where there was likely to be killing taking place.
In their case,it was a close call as to who would kill you first.

Would it be the patrons,enraged at your continual warning to Mr.Diesel(who could not hear you) and them(who could)of the movie's plot,and planning to invoke the little known Supreme decision that if someone ruins a movie plot in such a winner,is allowed to be seized,tarred and feathered?

Or would it be a woman who you are so interested in that it took you 2 years to shift your backside and get her to the movies.You have as much chance of getting to second base as a second date?

The next time you hear someone yell fire,it won't be in a theatre,it will be on a parade ground with a little white flag fluttering.

Yours sincerely,
Rock Capone
Manager,Stony Wall Movie Theater.


Dear Bake America!

Your company is lousy-I travel all the way to your store to complete my state cake tin collection and what do I find-no Wyoming!!The sales girl even had the nerve to try and fob me off with a Colorado shaped tin. Unbelievable! I demand a $2500 gift voucher and the right to dip that sales girl in cookie dough and icing or I shall be setting weevils free to enjoy your bake mix.

Yours sincerely,
Cheyenne Ghosttown.

10-09-2013, 12:52 AM
Dear Ghosttown,

You had no need to drive all that way, as our sales girl attempted to tell you, for we now sell all of our wares through Lady Warrior's website. Every single state is represented among our wares that you can purchase there, including Puerto Rico, which isn't a state, but it's ours, so who cares? Besides, all of our wares are made expertly in China. There's nothing like buying all-American memorabilia when it's got 'Made in China' on the side for all to see. :)

We apologize that you had to drive all that way, and we were going to give you the $2500 gift voucher . . . until you demanded the right to dip the sales girl in cookie dough and icing, which we cannot permit. Nor shall we condone the use of weevils to consume our high-quality ingredients. Therefore, we have no choice but to refuse to compensate you at all and to turn a copy of your letter over to the police.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Hong Kong, owner of Bake America!


Dear Gifts of Gaia Rain Forest park,

I am writing to let you know that I am angry because of the things that happened to me on my trip through your rain forest park.

First of all, that dumb guide insisted that we remain with her at all times. But the trail she had us hiking on was dumb, boring, very long, had no places to sit, and had nothing but plants and little animals.

When I tried to catch a little animal, she stopped me and told me that this was the animal's home. She had the nerve to say to me "How would you like it if someone else came into your home and tried to catch and cook you?" That made me so angry!

Then I followed a little butterfly that the guide called all of our attention to. She said it was a nearly extinct species that the park's biologist and a nearby vet had worked together to save from the brink, but I didn't care. It was so beautiful that I just had to follow it. The guide tried to stop me, only to have the other people on the tour, including my wife, tell her to let me go.

Next thing I know, I'm lost in the park, running from venomous snakes. I finally get away from the snakes by starting a fire, and I catch and kill an animal to eat. Suddenly, a tribe of angry wild cats surrounds me, trying to take my food! I can't find the trail, and the guide and the other people are nowhere to be found.

I'm badly scratched up, and I scream for help, but the only thing that comes my way is animals. The next day, one of the park's rangers finally decides to show himself and come rescue me. I'm so mad I push him down the hill to deal with the snakes while I take his jeep and drive off.

I demand ten billion dollars in compensation and that you remove every animal there except the little ones that are good to catch and eat, and replace all that humid rain forest with corporate offices and shopping centers. If you don't, I'll go capture all the animals in the park and set them loose on your office!


Mr. Hart Lease-Twat.

10-10-2013, 04:19 PM
Dear Mr. Lease-Twat,

We require that our guests stay on marked trails because the rain forest can be a very dangerous place. Since you wandered off the trail, we are charging you with trespassing. That butterfly that our staff brought back from critically endangered to vulnerable is called the Bolivar Butterfly. We ask that our guest don't bother it.

You also admitted to committing arson and killing an animal. I just hope the animal you killed is a "least concern" species. You're lucky that those wild cats were only interested in your victim. We have jaguars in the forest. They kill victims by biting their heads.

You also admitted that that you pushed our ranger down a hill and stole his jeep. You should consider yourself lucky that he suffered only cuts and bruises. That makes you guilty of aggravated assault and car theft.

Not only is your requests denied, but we have asked the government to give you a new home at the Tweed Correctional institute. Now you will know what it feels like being captured.


Darwin Attenborough


Dear Falcon's Flight Golf Course,

The other day, I was on the 13th hole when I hit my ball over a fence. I found my ball when this guy came out of a building, yelling at me, muttering something about "his yard," "his house," and "out of bounds." When I was about to address the ball, this jerk proceeded to dump this huge bucket of golf balls and dared me to hit my ball in all of that. When I managed to clear the other balls from my ball, this guy grabs me and throws me over the fence. That's when the rude course marshal drives up and tells me that to leave the course immediately, and that I was banned from the course.

I demand a lifetime of free access to your golf course. I also demand that you fire that rude ball dumping employee and the rude course marshal.


Sandcat Forest

10-16-2013, 03:59 AM
Dear Mr. Forest,

You hit balls on someone else's property. Therefore, no one will be fired and you are banned for life.


G. Olfer

Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store planning to buy some clothes. However, I had a panic attack in your fitting room since the space was small and I felt boxed in. It took a few minutes to find the door and when I finally did, I rushed out with my purse and left the clothes. I demand you give me free clothing for life, remove the doors on the fitting rooms and restroom stalls, replace them with curtains, or I will start trying on clothes at the front entrance.


C. L. Austrophobic

10-16-2013, 11:35 AM
Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store planning to buy some clothes. However, I had a panic attack in your fitting room since the space was small and I felt boxed in. It took a few minutes to find the door and when I finally did, I rushed out with my purse and left the clothes. I demand you give me free clothing for life, remove the doors on the fitting rooms and restroom stalls, replace them with curtains, or I will start trying on clothes at the front entrance.


C. L. Austrophobic

Dear Ms. Austrophobic:

We are a clothing store that works off of charitable donations of clothing, and as such you will not be receiving clothing for life.

Additionally, your demand to replace the doors on the fitting rooms and restrooms with curtains is denied. You are the only one who has complained about this. With regard to trying on clothes at the front entrance, let's just say that there are laws against that kind of thing.


S. P. Ine

Dear Sit-Down-Chain Restaurant Manager:

I went into your restaurant a couple of days ago to enjoy a good meal. I couldn't, however, because the young, twenty-something waitress at my table was too smoking hot! Because of this, I had trouble ordering my food, and I couldn't concentrate on eating it, because I was aroused by the smoking hot waitress! She kept teasing me, too! I think she knew I was attracted to her because she would walk by in such a way that I couldn't help but look at her behind. I'm a twenty-something single guy myself. Of course I was going to look! She also teased me by coming up to my table and asking me if everything was OK, or if I needed a refill of my drink!

You shouldn't have women that smoking hot as waitresses at your restaurants!

Therefore, I deserve free meals every time I come in, and I also demand that you show me the potential waitresses that you are planning to hire, for my approval!

And if you do hire hot ones, I should be able to ask them out, and they should have to go on a date with me! Also, let the smoking hot one know that I left my name and phone number on a business card for her! I want to take her on a date!


Horn E. Guy

10-18-2013, 02:59 AM
Dear Mr. Guy,

Our waiters and waitresses are there to serve food and drinks. They are supposed to be friendly, and serve food and drinks to our customers. She wasn't teasing you in the slightest. If you have a problem around attractive women, that's your problem. However, if you start harassing our staff, it will become our problem, and if that becomes big enough, it'll become a police problem.

You can give the waitresses your number, but they will not be required to go out with you. In fact, Michelle, your last waitress, thinks you're creepy.


Andrew Shoney


Dear Diesel Gaming Network,

How dare you ban me from your network. I was enjoying a game online, telling one noob about how I enjoyed :censored:ing his mother's :censored:. Then another :censored: came on and challenged me to a game. I told him that he must like having a :censored:'s :censored: up his :censored: while he was :censored: on another :censored:'s :censored:.

Apparently, he didn't have a sense of humor. He sent me a message writing that he was an administrator and wrote something about offensive and abusive language. Now I can't get back on your network to play :censored:ing multiplayer games.

I demand that you give me free access for an extra :censored:ing year. I also demand you fire that :censored:ing administrator and ban the :censored:s and the :censored:s.


David Duke

10-19-2013, 04:43 AM
Dear Mr. Duke:

What the :censored: do you think the :censored: administrators are :censored: there for? Now that we know that you used abusive :censored:ing language, because you :censored:ing used it in your mother :censored:ing complaint, you can be sure we don't want you playing our :censored:ing games!

Oh, and as far as your demands? Go :censored: yourself! It's probably the only :censored:ing you get, you piece of :censored:!

:censored: you,

Cen Sored
CEO, Diesel Gaming Network


Dear Big Box Department Store:

I went to your store because the name of the store made it seem like you sold Walls. When I went in, I didn't see walls for sale ANYWHERE!!

What kind of stupid store are you where your name says that you sell something that you don't? I went to your store for nothing! You don't sell walls! Your store name says you do!

I'm a very, very important person, and I know I'm right!!

I am very inconvenienced and I demand compensation!

Therefore, my demand is to be given the CEO's salary for a year, for him to personally apologize for me, for all the employees to grovel at my feet every time I come into your store, and for the employees to cater to my every whim!


I.M. Unreasonable

10-19-2013, 01:29 PM
Dear Mr Unreasonable.

If you think that every company's name is completely descriptive of what it sells,then you are going to have some unwelcome surprises. Boots does not sell footwear. Woolie's does not sell warm sweaters. And you will be very disappointed at Superdrug.

You would not want to be the CEO.Despite the salary,his days are spent dealing with customers one level up the evolutionary scale from an amoeba.The employees may well fall at your feet when you enter the store.It is not to grovel to you.More than likely they will be tying your shoelaces together. And as for catering to your every whim,we are aware of some of your whims. Most of them are illegal in our state.As well as physically endangering the health(mental and physical) of our staff.

Yours not-very-sincerely, Theophilus High,All-powerful manager.

Dear Continental Hotel Company
I went to book a suite in your Medicine Hat hotel.I was told it was all sold out because it was Thanksgiving.Your staff not only don't want my booking,but they are so dumb they can't even come up with a convincing lie.It's nowhere near yet.Train them to use a calendar properly.
I demand to have the penthouse suite for the entire Thanksgiving weekend(that's November for your dumbass staff)with a fully catered banquet(all gratis) as payment for the inconvenience. Otherwise I shall come up there and stick a few half dozen pumpkins so far up your staff's wazoos they won't be giving thanks for anything until Groudhog Day.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Maple Leafkiller.

10-19-2013, 04:41 PM
Dear Miss Leafkiller,

Medicine Hat is in the province of Alberta in the country of Canada. Canada observes its Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October, with the exception of the maritime provinces. Alberta is not a maritime province. Unfortunately, we will deny your request for a free room because you are unfamiliar with Canadian holidays.


Regina Redcliff


Dear SPX Electronics,

A friend of mine told me that your store was a good place to get mice. I went to your store and asked her where the mice were. She told me they were in aisle 5. I go to aisle 5 expecting little gray mammals. Instead, I see these little hard plastic abominations that had the word "mouse" on them. I don't know who this Logitech guy is, but that thing is not a mouse.

I demand that you give me enough money to buy me a furry little gray rodent. I also demand where I can actually buy a real mouse.


Peta Luddite

10-19-2013, 08:50 PM
Dear Peta Luddite,

We are very proud of our mouse selection here, but clearly there was a misunderstanding. While we sell Logitech, which is a brand of mice for computers, named because the shape is reminiscent of a mouse and used to help make selections, such as clicking icons to activate the Internet or other programs, or cutting and pasting text in documents.

As for the kind of mice you're talking about, I'd like to go get some, too, and I can tell you where the best place to go is: It's the Pets nobody wants store, on the corner of Copperhead Lane and Scorpion Drive. We can meet and pick up lunch there, seeing as I'm feeling very hungry today . . .

Looking forward to seeing you,


Ms. Lynx Forty-Eight, real director of SPX Electronics, where we proudly sell electrical devices that are warm and purrfect to nap on.


Hey Broadway Universe diner!

I went in to your place expecting to see stars at night, and of course to go drink Pina Coladas in your bar. I came in with my I. D. card and my friends, all ten of us. We slipped through because Stepphie, our fast girl who'll sleep with anybody, distracted the bouncer so the other nine of us could get in without him even seeing us.

We ordered our food and our drinks, and then I gave her my mother's credit card to pay. She asked me for my I. D., and I gave it to her, only to have your bartender return asking if any of us were Mrs. Alma Gerr. None of us were, and I mentioned that that was my mother. The bartender then rudely told us that we couldn't use Alma's card to pay, and then she took another look at my I. D.

Suddenly, she threw it away and demanded my friends give up their I. D.'s, too. Then she threw away all of the I. D.'s, and forced us to give her our names so her manager could call our parents.

It was the worst night of my life, and I'm grounded for a year! All my friends are grounded, too! We're using Facebook to talk to each other, since we've been forbidden the use of phones, and we've decided that each of us is entitled to a million dollars and the return of our I. D.'s! Or better yet, the creation of new I. D.'s that'll work much better.

And I want an extra million dollars, because this was all my idea, both the night your bartender ruined, and our demands. If you don't, Stepphie knows the biker gang that likes to tear up buildings. All she has to do is go crying on Duke's shoulder about the horrible way we were treated, and you can kiss Broadway Universe diner goodbye!

Respectlessly yours,

Tina Gerr.

10-20-2013, 05:58 PM
Ms. Gerr
Your first mistake was to sneak in. Then you produced not only falsified identification, but a STOLEN credit card.
Now you demand of us, a legitimate business, enablement of your delinquent activities?

Enjoy your stay in Juvenile Hall; we've notified the police, and your mother, whose card you stole. Yes, the police know who you are as you so stupidly admitted to using social media. Oh, and the "bouncer" your friend distracted was my nephew, a member of the PD... He's how we knew to run your card.

O. W. Ner
Manager, owner Broadway Universe Bar


Dear Product Supplier,
Why is your toothpaste so nasty?! I mean, it tastes like dog :censored:! While I guess you COULD make it taste like cat :censored:, but that's even worse. And WHY do you market your product under the name "Hemorrhoid"?
I.D. Iot
((I think it was Barg's or A&W that made a commercial for their root beer using a similar script... Enjoy the OBSCURE memories!!))

10-21-2013, 12:55 AM
S. P. Ine

Loved this name, btw. :lol:

10-21-2013, 05:08 PM
Dear Product Supplier,
Why is your toothpaste so nasty?! I mean, it tastes like dog ! While I guess you COULD make it taste like cat , but that's even worse. And WHY do you market your product under the name "Hemorrhoid"?
I.D. Iot

Dear Mr. I.D. Iot:

That is because the "toothpaste" that you bought was not, in fact, toothpaste. It was our store-brand cream for treating hemorrhoids.

Look for products named "Colgate" or "Crest" the next time you buy toothpaste. We will be happy to show you where they are located, and read out their names to you if you have problems comprehending basic English.


Product Supplier.

Dear Mr. Bartender:

Why am I not allowed to give wine to my son in your bar? He's TEN YEARS OLD! He's all grown up now, and should be able eat and drink grown-up food, just like he does at home!


Mrs. Ima Badmother

10-22-2013, 11:30 PM
Dear Mrs. Badmother,

You must know Tina Gerr.

I cannot thank the Broadway Universe diner enough for forwarding this letter to my office.

You simply cannot give wine to your son because it is against the law. Broadway Universe diner could lose their liquor license to permit it. Ten years old doesn't qualify as a grown-up. You need just over another decade before he can drink wine by the bucket like you seem to drink it. But you may as well go ahead and break out your wine because you'll be getting dinner guests tonight: Ms. Polly Uffisar and Mr. C. P. Ajont. They really wanted to meet you.

By the way, that son of yours is a pure delight and I wouldn't mind a bit babysitting him for the next few years . . .


Madame Fae Reygrandmummie, owner of Loving Arms child assistance shelter.


Dear Wondertechk,

Your name should be Blundertechk! I purchased your newest invention last week, The Proble-matic. It promised to radically change my life, so I brought it to work. Oh, it changed my life all right! I've just been fired for gross incompetence, my husband left me, my car won't start, and my bank accounts were all drained by hackers. Plus my car stopped working and my house collapsed, and it's all your fault!

So what if I gave my bank information over the email to a man who asked me for it? He was from the bank, wasn't he? And he never did give me the money he promised to find for me. And so what if I never turned my paperwork in on time at my job and constantly called in? That place was just making me sick. It was your fault that the building my job was in completely collapsed when I turned The Proble-matic on there!

And my husband, running around cheating on me! That's what he was doing, I'm sure of it. All because I had a one-night stand with Doug, and Peter, and Richard, and Michael, and . . .

And so what if I lived in a flood zone and was too busy on a date . . . er, out with my friends when the hurricane came? Your machine caused that hurricane anyway!

And that I refused to ever bring my car to a mechanic again ever since that last mechanic I used dared to charge me a thousand dollars . . .

I demand that you give me a job that I love and can call in as many times as I want while still getting paid, that you bring me a brand new husband - Superman would be nice, that you give me back all the money that was stolen from my bank, all seven-hundred trillion dollars of it. And a new mansion, a new luxury car, and . . . well, my life is ruined. You have to fix it. If you don't, I'll go to your company and turn on The Proble-matic right there and then, and see how you like having your building collapse all around you!


Mrs. Neva Myown Faultt.

10-23-2013, 10:23 PM
Dear Mrs. Faultt,

Our device that we call the Proble-Matic is a weather alert radio that is designed to turn itself on when the National Weather Service issues a severe weather alert. It cannot control the weather.

You say that a hurricane destroyed your house and work place? That's impossible since there have been on two hurricanes this year and neither hit your area. Your area was hit by thunderstorms that produced tornadoes. The Proble-Matic alerted you to those dangerous storms.

As for the other stuff, you admitted that you had spotty attendance and didn't get projects done on time. You admitted that you cheated on your husband. You were probably a victim of a "Nigerian Prince" scam. You also admitted that you don't keep your car properly maintained. What possible way is any of this our fault?

Here are our responses to your demands. We're not hiring, and even if we were, we're not hiring you. Why don't you ask Doug, Peter, Richard, or Michael to marry you? We would love to have $700 trillion in our bank, too, but we don't even have $700,000 right now. We also find it highly unlikely that someone with that much money would be working anywhere. As for the house and car, you might want to contact your insurance agency, though I don't think home owner's insurance covers floods. I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do.

As for turning the Proble-Matic on here, go right ahead.


Hazel Hugo


Dear Happy Healthy Ethics Animal Shelter,

I recently adopted a cat from an event at the pet store. When I got home, I noticed that the cat was vibrating. When I asked the clerk working in the cat food aisle what was going on, she said that it was purring and that was normal. Personally, I think she was covering for you because she wanted me to buy a bag of cat food.

I'm taking my cat to a friend of mine who happens to be a veterinarian to see what's wrong with this cat. When she finds out what's wrong with this cat, I am going to make you pay through the nose.


Jack Russell

10-23-2013, 11:03 PM
Dear Mr. Russell:

Both Dr. Valerie Valentine from the Toronto Animal Hospital and Mr. Hugh Hoffa of the Happy Healthy Ethics Animal Shelter were kind enough to forward this letter to me.

You mentioned that your cat was vibrating while you got home. What you neglected to say, and what Dr. Valentine noticed, was that a vibrator from a sex toy shop was found in the anus of said cat.

The good news is that when Dr. Valentine notified Mr. Hoffa of the incident, he fired the clerk who told you that it was just normal purring. The bad news is this: Putting anything in the anus other than medication prescribed for any related problem is animal abuse. Put another way, you will see yourself in some shiny metal bracelets and a new orange one-piece in the near future.

Mr. Hoffa has notified me that we will be taking your cat back, and is now considering adopting her himself.


Davis Davisville, Toronto Animal Control Officer


Dear Mr. Bouncer:

Why did you kick us out like that? We didn't even get in! My friend and I are 19 years old! NINETEEN! That's legal age in Ontario, did you know that? We even had legal ID this time, and we weren't acting drunk or anything like that! So why the hassle? Just because we're Canadians vacationing in California? I ought to sue you for discrimination!


Ms. Ishould B. Legal-Everywhere

10-23-2013, 11:04 PM
Dear Mr.Russell

The vibrating you refer to is the normal purring of a satisfied cat.At least it was satisfied until you got your mitts on.A cat is not an electronic device.If noises start emitting from it,it does not need to have its insides examined and fumbled about with to discover the cause.As a result,the RSPCA have now been called to remove the cat,which is in deep psychological and physical trauma.You are I believe also to be banned from keeping any sort of animal in the future.
I heartily support this decision as if you feel the need to dismember an animal to determine what is wrong with it,you should not be allowed anywhere any sort of creature.Can you imagine your reaction if we decided to shove a hand up your wazoo and pull out the bits inside,just because you were making a slightly odd sound?

Yours,Herb Blanchflower,Manager,Happy Healthy(at least until you got near the place)Ethics Animal Shelter.

************************************************** ************
The Manager
Box 69

Dear Sir,
I wanted something pleasant and wholesome for my children to watch.As they are both keen animal lover,I thought your 'Fun and Games With Pussy' program would be a suitably enjoyable program.They are both particularly keen on cats and some lovable laughs with cute kitties would have been perfect.What was shown however was a catalogue of filth and depravity that has now corrupted their innocent little minds,to say nothing of the injuries that must have occurred from some of the action shown-much of which I myself could not even believe to be physically possible.How dare you bombard our sweet innocent children's beautiful minds with this sort of profanity!!If I am not compensated for this with a full page apology and the sum of £250,000,I shall cry to my God to smite you for your wicked ways.He is very vengeful,especially with the lewd and the fornicators,who shall be thrown into Hell.Perhaps when you are being roasted in eternal damnation, you can contemplate the millstone you have cast around the necks of these innocents.
Yours in love,
Mrs B.Bellebasher

10-24-2013, 05:10 AM
Dear Ms. Legal-Everywhere,

I apologize for not being able to let you into our club. However, we were at our legal capacity that night. If we had let you in at that time, we would have been violating California law.

Our apologies,

Clubber Rambo


Dear Mrs. Bellebasher,

On our website you had to look to find the movie, "Fun and Games with Pussy," you would have found pictures of the movie box both front and back. The first thing that you would find is that it has pictures of naked women, but no cats. I would suggest contacting the Felix Sylvester Video Company for videos of cats and kittens. I would also suggest installing Net Nanny on your computer so you won't come across our website by accident again.

We will not pay you $404,000 for not reading the movie description.


Hugh Francis, XXX TV


Dear Motorhead Repair Shop,

I took my car in last week to have the mandatory inspection on my truck. After about 20 minutes, the mechanic handed me a screwdriver saying that he found it in the bumper. He also said that I needed to replace the windshield wipers or my truck would fail inspection. Since I can't have the registration renewed without passing inspection, I agreed to changing the wipers. I didn't think they were streaking that badly. When I received the inspection invoice, I noticed that they skipped the unleaded fuel systems checks. When I asked about that, the mechanic told me that they weren't needed since my truck ran on diesel fuel.

I demand that you refund me the money for the wiper blades. If I'm not able to renew the registration on my truck, I will burn your shop to the ground.


Ess Yuvee

10-24-2013, 11:19 PM
Out of game: I think someone got skipped.

10-25-2013, 01:03 AM
Out of game: I think someone got skipped.

I fixed it for you. ;)

10-25-2013, 05:40 AM
Dear Mr. Yuvee,

You don't need unleaded gas if your car runs on diesel fuel. Also, we aren't responsible for paying for your wipers and we sent a copy of your letter to the police because of your threat.


V. Olkeswagon
Car Dealership Owner

Dear Mall Manager,

I went into a room with sinks and a large mirror so I could do my hair and makeup. When I was in the room, I ended up smelling something really bad. I was so offended by the smell that I gathered my belongings and quickly left. I demand you post a sign forbidding bad smells in that room or I will go to the center of the food court and scream at the top of my lungs.


P. R. Incess

10-25-2013, 11:21 AM
[out of game-I think I might be to blame as me and cindybubbles posted identically to each other-well within 20 seconds or so.Oops :P]

10-25-2013, 03:41 PM
Dear Ms. Incess,

That room with the huge mirror and sinks is what we call the Ladies' Restroom. We have hired janitors who keep both restrooms clean and reasonably sweet smelling. However, ladies poop in our bathroom and completely stink up the place despite our best efforts. If you do scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of our food court, we will ban you from stepping into our mall.


James C. Belk, Charlotte Winston Shopping Centre


Dear Argabarga Towing Company,

How dare you tow my car off in the middle of the night? I contacted the police and they told me that you were holding my car. They muttered something about blocking someone's driveway. You just happened to be called because some stupid slut claimed he couldn't get his wide :censored: car out of his driveway? I'll have you know that my tax information was on the front seat.

I demand that you release my car immediately. If I become a victim of identity theft, I will come down to your impound yard and burn all of your tow trucks.


Joey Graceffa

[This is a parody protected by the First Amendment of the US.]

11-05-2013, 07:47 AM
Dear Mr. Graceffa,

It's illegal to block driveways and we have your tax information in a safe spot. Also, we sent a copy of your letter to the police because of your threat. If you want your car back, you need to come down to the impound lot and pay the fine. By the way, the fine is $200.


A. U. Tocar

Dear Santa Claus,

My children sent letters to you that involved items that they wanted for Christmas. On Christmas Day, their Christmas was ruined because they didn't get everything on their lists. I demand you start sending every item on their lists from now on. If you don't, I will send a machine with a wrecking ball to smash your toy factory.


Ann Titledparent

11-05-2013, 05:11 PM
Ann Titledparent,

We, the Post Office, are not responsible for posting letters to Santa Claus, as the individual has neither address nor proven existence.

K (http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2002_Men_in_Black_II/002MIB_Tommy_Lee_Jones_001.jpg)

((Yes, REAL LIVE Yahoo! News story!!!))


How DARE you fire me for my costume (http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume--what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html) on Halloween!! I put a great deal of thought and effort into it, and even won an award for it today!
I demand my job back and an apology, or I will show up for work nude for a week!


11-05-2013, 06:58 PM
Dear SomeSKANKinMI:

You were not fired for your costume, but for your insensitivity towards the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing incident by taking a picture of the costume. Had you kept it to yourself, you could have kept the job and avoided any online firestorm.



Dear Commissioner:

Why the frell did you fire me? You never told me that the evidence locker is not a free pharmacy for cops like me! And it was only a tiny bit of crack cocaine that I smoked; I never go for that "sissy" marijuana stuff!


Former Captain I.M. Hooked

11-05-2013, 08:14 PM
Dear Former Captain Hooked,

You were taught proper handling of evidence when you were trained for the job. Using the crack cocaine for your personal use is considered to be tampering with evidence. Because of that, notorious drug dealer Lorenzo "Fast Eddie" Hooker was acquitted of drug dealing. Thanks to you, our drug division lost 4 good months of hard work.

We are turning your letter along with your positive drug test and the surveillance footage of you taking the crack cocaine from the evidence locker.


Lieutenant Parr Aiya, Internal Affairs Division


Dear Superfoods Grocery,

I came into your store yesterday morning to get some groceries. When I go to check out, I was appalled to find that only one lane was open. When I asked the cashier why more lanes weren't open, she mentioned that I the other 4 cashiers were helping to stock the shelves and that I was the only customer in the store.

How dare she? When I walk into a grocery store, I expect to have at least 5 lanes open so I can choose who I check out with. I absolutely refuse those self checkout things. That's how Putin is spying on me. I demand you give me a free full bottle of propane so I can grill my pork chops next week.


Snow F. Lake

11-05-2013, 11:09 PM
Dear Ms. Lake,

You were here shopping at 1:00 AM. We are a 24-hour location, but very few people actually shop that early in the morning. It would not be good for our payroll to have more cashiers on hand than we need at the time. Therefore, most of our cashiers are on the clock during peak hours, which are Mon-Fri 5:00 PM-8:00 PM and Sat-Sun 11:00 AM-7:00 PM. If you wish to have multiple choice of cashiers, you are welcome to come back during those hours, though you will have to deal with scores of other customers who also want all of those cashiers.

Your request is denied.

Mary Prankster, owner,
Superfoods Grocery


Dear Friendly Towing,

I am most outraged at the fact that you towed my car! How was I to know that I wasn't allowed to park at that abandoned restaurant? Yes, I saw the sign that said, "No Parking, Tow Away Zone" with your name and number, but the sign was confusing! How was I to know it meant me?

I demand $100,000 for my embarrassment and inconvenience! I also demand you fire that smart-alec tow truck driver who treated me like an idiot for parking there.

Bette R. Thanyou

11-06-2013, 04:45 AM
Dear Ms. Thanyou,

We really don't know how much simpler we can make the sign. We could make them read "Don't park here or your car will be towed." Unfortunately, the city won't let us do that. If you don't have a permit to park there, don't park there.

As for your demands, you will receive a grand total of $0, and we will not fire Clutch.


Gus Hook, Gas Alley Towing


Dear Dean of Science,

I was in the chemistry lab this past Wednesday as required by the chemistry class that I take. I guess I should say I used to take. I was eating a granola bar in the fume cupboard when that rude lab supervisor started yelling at me, muttering something about corrosive and poisonous chemicals. When I went to chemistry class the next day, the professor informed me that he dropped me from his class. Now I have an F in chemistry. Since I was already on academic probation, I will be suspended next semester for certain.

Reinstate me in chemistry class and instruct the professor to give me an A, or the university might find out what happens when flammable chemicals meet a lit Bunsen burner.


Bubba Leonard

11-06-2013, 09:50 PM
Dear Mr. Leonard,

Yes, we well remember you. You have a record longer than ten academic textbooks put together, and that's terrible, considering it is merely your first semester.

Ms. Chlorine Bleachman was correct in warning you about eating in the fume cupboard. You could have been killed if you'd stayed in there another minute! Naturally she went to Professor Comet to remind him to give his class a discussion about proper lab proceedures, which angered him because he was very thorough at the start of the semester in discussing lab safety to being with.

Professor Comet simply had had enough of your misbehavior, since you had already very nearly poisoned your lab partner and she nearly sued us for it. He asked me for permission, which I granted, and he dropped you.

I have personally taken the liberty of forwarding this letter to the police. However, I will consider letting you back into school if you do this one assignment exactly as I state it: Go into your own bathroom, lock the door, make sure you are alone, then mix bleach and ammonia in your bathtub. I think you'll find the results quite . . . breathtaking.

Normally I'd tell someone like you "Don't hold your breath," but in your case, you'd better do that.


Dr. Jeanne Yuss, Dean of science at Brilliant as the Sun University.


Dear For Love of the Game,

I came into your emporium with my son the other day to participate in a card game tournament, and I went ahead and spent a hundred dollars on the silly cards he needed to play.

They at first pretended to be nice, welcoming him into the game and accepting him as a new player. But as it turns out, my son has been playing for years. He just can't seem to stay in a gaming group. They must all be jealous because he wins so frequently.

Well, as he was playing, his opponents kept on complaining about things he was doing. Finally, in the final round, they went to the judge and he asked to see my son's deck. My son was using cards that were banned from the game, with a list right up on the wall.

The judge voided my son's victories and demanded that the matches my son played in must be re-started. However, my son refused, and why should he? The judge didn't ask anyone else to give up their victories and face their opponents again with revised decks! It's completely unfair!

My son naturally did the most sensible thing he could - he overturned the game table and stomped on everyone else's cards until they were all completely ruined. Then I tried to return the cards my son had bought, but the shopkeeper wouldn't accept them. She had the nerve to say that once a deck is opened, it is useless to her.

Idiot lady, the joke's on her, because while I was busy with her, my son stuffed her entire supply of game cards in his bag. Only trouble is, now they won't let my son play anywhere.

I demand you fire that terrible shopkeeper and remove that judge, and declare my son the automatic winner when he wants to come play that game again. And throw in a million dollars and a public apology on the six o'clock news! If you don't, I will set the Hypocrites So Concerned About Immorality, Satanism, And Violence That They're Willing To Resort To Violence To Get Their Way against you, as I happen to be a member. Once they get a look at these Satanic cards and their filthy pictures of scantily clad girls and demons and everything else, they'll burn your store at the stake and you and all the game players with it!

Signed Mr. N. Able Er, father of Chee T. Er.

11-07-2013, 11:32 PM
Dear Mr. E. Able Er:

I must thank the owners of For Love of the Game for forwarding this letter to me.

Unfortunately, when your son overturned the game table, stomped on all those cards and stuffed them into his bag, he committed what we like to call "a crime". For your information, a crime is committed when you do something that is against the law.

When a crime is committed, police are called to arrest the offender; in this case, your son. My partner has already arrested him; he is now in a holding cell downtown, where you may come to post bail.

You may indeed be on the six-o-clock news, but definitely not in a good way. You also might want to find a very good lawyer, as your son is facing six to ten years in prison for theft and vandalism charges.


Comm. On Sense


Dear Principal:

I am VERY ANGRY that you expelled my daughter! VERY!

So what if she beat some loser to a bloody pulp? She's part of the popular crowd, so it's necessary to weed out the weaklings in the school!

So what if you say she used Facebook to "bully" that girl into suicide? That girl was an ugly dork! She deserved it!

So what if she "sexually harassed" the so-called "married" teacher? You can't stop romantic love! Besides, everyone knows it will always the teacher's fault! He should be the one to be kicked out, not my daughter!

And now my daughter is "assaulting" other kids just because she thinks they're gay? Well, I'll tell you this: as a fundamentalist Christian, I believe it is our moral duty to kill all gay people on God's behalf, but we're only holding back here because we don't want to go to jail! Jail is where you come in straight, but come out gay!

You WILL be hearing from my lawyer and the media about this!


Ms. Chris Chen-Hypocrite

11-08-2013, 01:20 PM
Dear Ms. Chen-Hypocrite,

Unfortunately the reason for the expulsion of your child has not been correctly explained to you. It is merely due to the enforced absence of your child that they have been expelled, I understand this absence is due to them being detained at Her Majesties Pleasure at one of her more secure premises.

I trust this explanation is to your liking, should you wish to contest this you may do so at the Court of Appeal.


Mr. L. A. Wabider


Dear Chemist,

I am writing in disgust at my recent treatment from one of your so called expert staff. I can see no reason why I cannot buy in bulk all the sudafed I want, nor why you would sell it to my friends I sent in to get it for me. Phoning the police was the last straw, please be aware I'm now going to sue you for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!


Krystal M. Eth

11-08-2013, 08:10 PM
Dear Ms. Eth,

It has been against the law for years now to buy massive quantities of cold medicines, due to the discovery that they are useful in the making of illegal and dangerous drugs. My employee was quite right to summon aid from the police. Drawing your friends in looks like conspiracy. We are obliged to follow the law, not help a woman who is making and selling her own drugs.

Sorry, but the only thing you're getting from us is a ban,


Dr. Benny Volent, pharmacist.


Dear Adventures travel agency,

My wife and I, and Cindi, my twenty-year old girlfr . . . secretary, booked a cruise on The Renew Your Love Boat with your agency, for the Hawaiian Islands. We sailed around the islands, and while we were on the ship, at midnight, my wife and I were having coffee on the dock. I showed her some beautiful lights in the sky, and gave her my binoculars, but the klutz dropped them. As she leaned over to get them, I pu . . . lled her back, trying to save her, but she fell into the ocean, and disappeared.

Suddenly two British busybodies started screaming at me, saying they saw me push my wife overboard. The male busybody called the captain before I could, while the female busybody grabbed an inflatable boat and went down to go look for my wife on her own. She didn't find her and soon disappeared.

My poor wife! Naturally I was bereft when the captain arrived, and needed all night to compose myself. Good old Cindi comforted me and stayed by my side until dawn.

Those two women were never found for the rest of the cruise.

I was having my marriage to Cindi when guess who shows up at the wedding but? It's my wife and the two British busybodies, both the man who called the captain and the woman who started to look for my wife! I'd just finished kissing the bride!

So what if it's been only three days since the cruise was over? So what if the Englishwoman served in the British navy and was a master of the sea, thus making her the best person possible to find and save my wife?

I demand that you give my wife a free cruise, just for her. I'll arrange the details myself. I also demand that you compensate me ten million dollars, one million for the ruined cruise and the remaining nine for the cost of my wedding to Cindi. Cindi demands money, too, saying that the emotional distress of seeing me arrested for bigamy and attempted murder is too much for her to bear.
I'm under emotional distress, too, since the insurance check on my wife was cancelled as soon as she returned home . . . We were counting on that money!

And I want out of this prison! I don't belong in here! I didn't do anything wrong. I swear, I didn't! Cindi and I just want to be together.


Dick Dangle & Cindi C. Lutt


11-08-2013, 10:11 PM
Dear Mr. Dangle,

We must thank you for writing this letter, and Adventures Travel Agency for forwarding this to our office. Which wife did you want the free cruise for?

According to the cameras on the cruise ship, you picked up your wife's legs as she was leaning over the rail. Those two former "busybodies" were in the British Army and British Navy. In fact, Yeoman Bindi Smith, the former navy woman, was a search-and-rescue specialist for the British navy. You're lucky that the US Coast Guard found both women.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about money from a Travel Agency or the life insurance company. My advice is to plead guilty to attempted homicide and hope the judge is lenient.


Andy Hana, Office of the District Attorney


Dear Mega Fireworks Warehouse,

I went to your store this summer to celebrate the 4th of July. I bought a basket full of fireworks but I couldn't find any lighters. I asked the clerk about lighters, and she told me that you weren't allowed to sell them. When I asked where I could find a lighter, she told me to go to the gas station down the street. Is she crazy? Why would the gas station have lighters? There's flammable liquid at the gas station.

I demand that you stock lighters in the future. I also retrain your clerk about lighters at gas stations.


Sparky Fugue

11-09-2013, 06:32 PM
Dear Mr. Fugue:

You were lucky that the clerk was concerned for everyone's safety in this case.

We are not allowed to sell lighters because of this equation:

lighters + fireworks = massive explosion

Also, the flammable liquid at the gas station is usually contained in gas tanks, so it's much safer to buy lighters there than here.

Finally, did you know that all convenience stores sell lighters? And that all gas stations have convenience stores? Of course those of us with a brain would know not to light up at a gas station!


Mr. No Nonsense, CEO of Mega Fireworks Group.


Dear Chief Firefighter:

Why the heck did your men have to go into my house and drag out my wife, kids, and mother-in-law? My kids are brats, my wife is always yelling at me, and my mother-in-law is always complaining about this or that! Now that you saved them all, I'll have to listen to everyone's bickering, fighting, yelling and complaining over and over for the rest of my life!

You should have left them all there! My house was on fire for a GOOD reason!


Mr. Henpecked Husband

11-09-2013, 09:38 PM
Dear Mr. Husband,

My office has determined that the fire at your house was aided by an accelerant known as gasoline. Many of your neighbors have seen you light your house on fire from the outside.

Combining the evidence, witness testimony, and your letter, I would say that you won't have to worry about dealing with your three kids, wife, or mother-in-law ever again. I believe the district attorney is planning charges of aggravated arson and five counts of attempted murder.


Bill Carey, Fire Marshall


Dear Bookshelf Book Store,

I decided that I needed a book on plastic surgery, so I asked the male clerk where I could find one. He showed me the section. I asked him to guess what I was planning on having done. He tried to avoid the question. I told him I needed breast reduction surgery because my huge breasts were hurting my back. Suddenly, he turned this shade of red and wouldn't look at me. I grabbed his hand to feel my breasts. He rudely jerked his hand away and practically ran away from me.

I demand that you give me $500 in books and fire that rude employee.


Fiona F. Freeman

11-10-2013, 06:57 AM
Dear Ms. Freeman,

We won't be firing the employee and have encouraged him to press charges for sexual harassment. Also, your request for $500 in books has been denied.


Reed Er

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire my daughter and have her arrested! All she did was light up a cigarette at the register because a customer really ticked her off. I demand you drop the charges and rehire her. If you don't, I will come into the store smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing.


Mrs. Naturalsmoker

11-10-2013, 08:09 PM
Dear Mrs. Naturalsmoker,

Your daughter was caught smoking a cigarette at her register. We have three problems with that. First, she was obviously slacking off when she should have been working. Second, we do not allow smoking inside or near the propane tanks. Thankfully, she wasn't near the propane tanks. Third, your daughter is 16 years old. By law, she was not allowed to have any tobacco products of any kind. That's why she was fired and arrested.

We will not rehire your daughter. If you come down here and smoke nude, we will call the police again.


Byrd Perdue, Superfood Groceries


Dear CompTIA,

How dare you? I was taking the Security+ exam last week. I was using index cards I made from home to help me. When I finished, the receptionist at the test taking center told me that I not allowed to bring any outside materials, and she was reporting me to you. Now I find out that not only that my test results are nullified, but I'm not allowed to retake the test for another six months. As if that wasn't bad enough, now my A+ and Network+ certifications are also nullified. You're telling me that I have to retake all three of those exams, too?

I find all of this unacceptable. I demand that you reinstate my A+ and Network+ certifications. I also demand that you give me the Security+ certification that I worked hard for.


Chi Turr

11-13-2013, 04:51 AM
Dear Mr. Turr,

You cheated on all 3 exams by using index cards during the exam. Therefore, you will have to wait 6 months to take all 3.


E. X. Aminer

Dear Soap Store Manager,

I came into your store to buy some of your lovely soaps. However, I was offended to see one of your employees serving a teenage girl. She was saying something about wanting to put a soap basket together for her grandparents 50th anniversary but I'm pretty sure that she was actually planning to use the soap to cause trouble. I demand a $2000 gift card and free soaps for life. I also want you to stop serving customers under 21 since teenagers are trouble and kids are horrible. If you don't do what I want, I will pour bleach on your soaps.


Mrs. Soapy

11-13-2013, 11:22 PM
Dear Soap Store Manager,

I came into your store to buy some of your lovely soaps. However, I was offended to see one of your employees serving a teenage girl. She was saying something about wanting to put a soap basket together for her grandparents 50th anniversary but I'm pretty sure that she was actually planning to use the soap to cause trouble. I demand a $2000 gift card and free soaps for life. I also want you to stop serving customers under 21 since teenagers are trouble and kids are horrible. If you don't do what I want, I will pour bleach on your soaps.


Dear Mrs. Soapy,

We have absolutely no evidence that the teenage girl had any intentions of doing anything other than picking up a custom "Sugar & Spice" gift basket for her grandparents. In particular, we are proud of our "Sugar & Spice" line, which combines rugged, manly scents for him such as cinnamon, as well as gentle, relaxing scents for her such as lavender.

I cannot give you a gift card on such shoddy evidence, nor will I accept your unfair ageism. We sell soap and bodywashes, not liquor. However, please allow me to send you a free sample of our "Melt my troubles away" vanilla-caramel scented bath soaps.


Flora Aroma, owner of Garden of Paradise soap & body wash shop.


Dear Kay's Mart mismanagement team,

I am writing to let you know just how angry I am at the way I was treated in your store yesterday.

I'd gone into your store using my neighbor's Shop However You Like rewards card. After all, he died last year. It's not like he'll need it. I simply took his cards before his family came into his house and looted everything . . .

Enough digression. As I was saying, I'd gone into your store to go do my Christmas shopping, and I found a bunch of great deals. I put them all in my cart, and I had to throw a little boy, kick a man out of my way to get the last Barbara doll, and push an old woman in a walker out of my way to get the latest Mary Otter book.

I also found some terrific bargains for my wife in your clothing section, a charming necklace for my daughter, and a bunch of terrific stuff for me. I'd prepared to buy nearly half the store, when just as I was going in make the purchase, as I offered the rewards card and gave my name to your nice cashier, Robert, suddenly another girl who was on her lunch break got into line, Alison. She worked at your store too, and said to me "Hi, Mr. O'Goode."

Hi, Mr. O'Goode? How dare she? The name on the "Shop However You Like" card, and on the credit card I was going to pay for everything on, was Mr. Gene Urosity, and Gene was my neighbor for seventeen years until he died.

Well, when Robert questioned me about my name, I told him I was Mr. Urosity, but Alison continued to insist that I was Mr. O'Goode. Suddenly a black woman with a kid who had also been Christmas shopping, and your store security man both came running up to me.

The black woman pointed me out, saying "There's the man, officer!" And then the security goon ran up to me and grabbed the clothing I'd picked out for my wife. He had the nerve to tell me, in front of everyone, that the black lady and her kid had seen me switching tags on the clothing. Why should I pay a thousand dollars for mere Kay's Mart garbage clothing when I could pay merely thirty dollars with a simple pricetag correction? And then, to make matters worse, the security goon also pulled my daughter's necklace out of my pocket, saying I clearly had no intention of paying it.

Suddenly Robert stopped being nice and called for the manager, while the security goon sent Alison to go call the police. I rammed my card into the security goon, hit Robert with the baseball bat I was going to buy for my son, and ran out of the store, breaking the vending machines with the bat on my way out.

I demand that all the things I wanted be sent to me, for free, in a big box by tomorrow, that Robert, the security goon, and Alison all be fired for being so rude, and that the black woman have to come here and serve me as a maid for Christmas Eve and Christmas! I also want a million dollars and the return of all Mr. Urosity's cards.

If you refuse, I happen to know Miss Yenta Gossip of the Scandal Sheets television program, and I will go on her show and tell the whole story! Oh yes, I will! She'll bring the wrath of the consumer down on Kay's Mart. She did it before with Shoes for Less when she found out the only thing less at Shoes for Less is that they shrank the shoes they sold but charged people for the original price anyway! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Mr. Upton O'Goode.

11-14-2013, 01:09 AM
Dear Mr O'Goode

One thing you failed to mention is that you are a complete lunatic and that all the things you mentioned only happened in your imagination due to you actually being locked up in the local asylum. I have made sure to provide a copy of your letter to your case officer and the manager of the asylum so that your violent tendencies may be taken into consideration at your next review.

Oh, and if you think anything you are demanding will happen, you must be even more insane that your records already indicate you are.

Yours sincerely

Voi So Reason
Kay's Mart


To the CEO of Happy Night Hotels

I was a customer at one of your hotels last week and was checking out when I saw a terrible scene. One of the other customers was screaming and yelling at the poor young girl at the counter, who was clearly upset and in tears at the fact that she was being screamed at and threatened by the old hag. Another receptionist, who had been serving me, stepped in to help, but was also screamed at. When the manager finally arrived, I was expecting a proper resolution, but what happened? The manager blamed her staff and offered the guest a refund!

The reason for my letter is that I demand you sack the spineless manager who let the abusive guest stay for free. If she can get free accommodation, so should I. In fact, I insist on receiving an entire year's worth of accommodation at your hotel, as well as a second complimentary room for your one-time hotel employee who is now working for me as my private secretary. Otherwise I will cancel my gold membership and go to every newspaper I can find. Whose money is worth more, Mr Moneybags CEO - that screaming harpy's or mine?

Yours sincerely,

Ms S on behalf Mr V. Richman.

(Hey, we can dream, right? ;))

11-14-2013, 02:56 AM
Dear Ms. S,

Mr. V. Richman is a good friend of mine. When he left his key cards with the front desk, the only other person was a contractor who was upgrading some of our equipment. He was not yelling. It seems the only person getting fired is you. Enjoy your stay on the unemployment line.


Howard Johnson, Chief Executive Officer, Happy Night Hotels


Dear Roger Goodell,

How could you let last Sunday's game happen in those conditions? The wind was blowing out of the west at 50 mph. My favorite team's field goal kicker was about to kick a 30 yard for the win. When he kicked it, it was going straight down the middle of the goal posts when the wind made the football make an extreme right turn. My team lost by two points because the :censored: weather.

I demand that you give me season tickets to my team's games.


Wendy Blohard

11-14-2013, 05:14 AM
Mrs. Blohard
We at the Triago Flares advise you take your complaint to a MUCH Higher Power. There's a Roman Catholic church just a block from your home that might be able to arrange such a meeting.
Traigo Flares Public Relations


((Somebody else please come up with a complaint... my brain just blanked out on me.))