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catcul
11-14-2013, 09:59 PM
Dear Happy Pet Supply Store,

I was in your store the other day and I was appalled that another customer brought a cat into your store. I went to find a manager and asked him to kick that evil customer and that furry demon. When the manager confronted them, that demon cat started rubbing its chin on the managers hand. Then that moron manager turned to me and told me that neither that evil man nor the demon cat because they weren't bothering anyone.

I demand that you give me $500 in dog supplies. I also demand that you fire that idiot manager.

Sincerely,

Stacy German Shepherd

XCashier
11-15-2013, 12:10 AM
Dear Ms. Shepherd,

I remember you. You have that big, filthy, badly matted dog that's infested with fleas, lifts his leg on every aisle in the store and has bitten three of our employees. Yet you complain about a friendly, clean, well-behaved little cat.

I shouldn't do this, but for the sake of your dog, I'm sending you coupons good for one free grooming, one free flea dip and a session of obedience classes. Please get your dog treated and teach him to behave or neither he nor you will be welcome in our store anymore. Furthermore, if I see any more evidence of neglecting your dog, I will inform the SPCA about you.

Sincerely,
Jack Russell-Terrier, general manager,
Happy Pet Supply Store

* * * * *

Dear Furniture Store,

I bought a new desk at your downtown location. I told the cashier to load it into my car, and she said that she couldn't lift it! Gave me some silly excuse about being eight months pregnant. Who cares about her future welfare dependant, I just spent $200 on a manicure and I didn't want to chip my perfect nails! I had to wait a whole three minutes for another employee, who's probably her baby-daddy and just as useless, to come up to take my new desk out to my car! Then he said that he couldn't fit the desk in my Mini Cooper and had the audacity to try to sell me on your free delivery! Well, that just won't do.

I demand that you fire those two idiots and give me all new, absolutely perfect furniture for my house, the most expensive stuff you've got, or I'll tell my lawyer husband to sue you!

Sincerely,
Airra Gant-Snob

catcul
11-15-2013, 05:49 PM
Dear Mrs. Gant-Snob,

That cashier is actually a senior in college. She's taking a break before taking her capstone course, so she doesn't have to interrupt a class to have her baby. The stock boy has been with us for only a month, so it is highly unlikely he is her baby's father. We have delivered your desk to your address. A man by the name of Evi Gant signed the invoice saying that you have received your desk.

As your husband would tell you, you don't have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Ed Shaker, Store Manager, Archdale Furniture Outlet

-----

Dear Chief Information Officer,

I had a problem with my laptop so I called the Information Technology department. I told them the make, model, and serial number. The rude support person told me that they only support company computers and they won't help with mine. So what if it's my personal computer? Since I work here, I should have the IT staff fix my computer.

I demand that you fire the support guy, and you find someone to fix my computer, or I'm going to report you to the CEO.

Sincerely,

Benny Scrooge

Kit-Ginevra
11-16-2013, 01:25 AM
Dear Ms. Shepherd,

I remember you. You have that big, filthy, badly matted dog that's infested with fleas, lifts his leg on every aisle in the store and has bitten three of our employees. Yet you complain about a friendly, clean, well-behaved little cat.

I shouldn't do this, but for the sake of your dog, I'm sending you coupons good for one free grooming, one free flea dip and a session of obedience classes. These are for you and your dog,who would both benefit from them :DPlease get your dog treated and teach him to behave or neither he nor you will be welcome in our store anymore. Furthermore, if I see any more evidence of neglecting your dog, I will inform the SPCA about you.

Sincerely,
Jack Russell-Terrier, general manager,
Happy Pet Supply Store

* * * * *



Just to help out :D

XCashier
11-16-2013, 03:54 PM
Just to help out :D
:lol: Pity we can't offer obedience classes for SC's.

"No yelling at the employees!" (whack on nose with rolled-up newspaper) :devil:

Tyg3rW01f
11-16-2013, 07:57 PM
Aaaand the complaint we need address next iiiiiiiiiiiis...
Dear Chief Information Officer,

I had a problem with my laptop so I called the Information Technology department. I told them the make, model, and serial number. The rude support person told me that they only support company computers and they won't help with mine. So what if it's my personal computer? Since I work here, I should have the IT staff fix my computer.

I demand that you fire the support guy, and you find someone to fix my computer, or I'm going to report you to the CEO.

Sincerely,

Benny Scrooge

purplecat41877
11-19-2013, 04:46 AM
Dear Mr. Scrooge,

Our IT department is only authorized to fix the computers that are part of the business so no one is getting fired. If you want your personal computer fixed, go to a computer store.

Sincerely,

C. Omputer
Chief Information Officer



Dear State Prison,

I recently came to visit my boyfriend who is serving time for robbing a bank. When I was there, I was offended that we were separated by a glass window and that we had to use a phone to talk to each other. I demand from now on when I visit my boyfriend that you put us in a private room so we can make out all we want. If you don't agree to this, I will hack into the system and unlock his cell door so he can escape and be with me.

Sincerely,

Miss Loyalgirlfriend

catcul
11-20-2013, 12:38 AM
Dear Miss Loyalgirlfriend,

What you described is a reserved for lawyers talking to their clients or investigators. We make sure that violent offenders are not able to escape. Also, your boyfriend has been transported to Franklin Pierce Federal Penitentiary, four states away. Also, our network of door locks is not connected to the internet, so it would be impossible to open any cell door from outside the prison. We have sent a police unit to your house to give you a warning about making threats to prisons.

Sincerely,

Lyle Bolton, Warden, Alexander Jackson State Penitentiary

-----

Dear Right Health Drug Store,

I bought a banana and a box of condoms nine months ago. Yesterday, my girlfriend had her baby, and the baby looks just like me. I don't understand how this could have happened. I put the condom over the banana so my girlfriend would not get pregnant while we were having sex. Obviously, either the condom or the banana was defective.

I demand that you pay for my baby daughter's support for the next 18 years, or I will take all the condoms and bananas out in the parking lot and destroy them in a bonfire.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

purplecat41877
11-21-2013, 05:51 AM
Dear Mr. Rection,

The bananas are supposed to be for practice and you're supposed to use protection when "doing it" with your girlfriend so neither was defective as far as we know. If you need help with support, I would suggest asking yours or hers parents or the government.

Sincerely,

C. H. Ildren
Health Drug Store



Dear Movie Company Manager,

My 8 year old daughter recently auditioned for a part in a movie and broke down when she didn't get it. I'm offended that you allow your employees to break children's hearts when they come to audition for your movies. I demand you put my daughter in a movie without an audition. If you don't, I will set fire to the movie sets, costumes, and scripts.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Protective

Kit-Ginevra
11-21-2013, 08:33 AM
*follow up from Mr.Rection* Dear Sir, I KNOW the bananas are for practise with my girlfriend.She just won't let me.I thought at first she was being helpful and joining in the spirit of the game when she asked me 'Do I want to know where I can put that d*** banana.' She wasn't.And then we had a trip to ER to remove it and to deal with my black eye...for which I also hold you personally responsible...

Kit-Ginevra
11-21-2013, 08:41 AM
Dear Mrs.Protective,
Please accept our deepest apologies.For some reason the casting directors have taken leave of their senses-I don't know what they were thinking.I personally felt that little Willibaldina displayed all the necessary traits required to beautifully portray Second Slug.As requested,I have taken an executive decision to have her immediately cast in our next movie.No audition will be necessary as I feel she will suit the part to a T.Her role will be Third Dung-eating Fly.
I trust this meets with your approval and that your threat to our movie sets will not now be carried out.That is a shame however as the timing would be perfect for our other major project Inferno at the Studio!
Yours sincerely,
Mr Alfred D.Rector
Rector Films Ltd.
*******************************
The Manager
MegaStorez Ltd
Dear Sir,
I am outraged by your decision to bar me and my children from your store.Since it was Black Friday and all those shoppers were getting very upset and fraught at the doors before opening time,they merely decided to make them all smile by releasing the bunch of wind-up mice as they all entered.Your security staff have no sense of humor-I thought it was quite hilarious watching everyone dodge out of the way.They were just kids having a bit of fun,not d**n stupid idiots who could have killed someone.I demand we be let in half an hour before the doors open next week to get our pick of products to make up for the embarrassment your sour old security who can't take a joke caused them or I'll tell everyone what a mean misery you are.You wouldn't want that at Christmas would you?
Mrs.Hilary S. Jape

BroSCFischer
11-21-2013, 12:09 PM
Dear Ms. Jape,

The "prank" in question resulted in a stampede which caused no less than 15 broken limbs, 4 concussions, 1 person was severely crushed when they fell over due to the press of the crowd, and one elderly woman suffered a heart attack due to a phobia of mice.

However, I would like to thank you for sending us your complaint, as now we have a name and address to give to provide for the medical claims being made. As these are a direct result of the "joke" you should feel free to enjoy a laugh as your debt mounts.

Sincerely,

Mike Trap
General Manager
Megastores, Inc Store #666

*************************************************

Too whom it may concern,

My name being John Smith, and I am having a large problem. I am having $30.000.000,00 that I must get out of my home country. Unfortunately, I do not have an foreign account for transfer. Please to be providing your personal banking information, and I will be giving half of the money to you.

Thank you in advance,

Jon Smith

catcul
11-21-2013, 02:55 PM
Dear "John Smith" or "Jon Smith,"

That's a nice try. However, we have tracked down your IP address and have barred you from sending any more messages to our clients.

Have a nice day,

Steve Gates, CIO, Surf Wave Internet

-----

Dear Kardashian University,

We were at your orientation two weeks ago, when the tour guide showed us the biology labs. My son was intrigued by one of your labs. When he asked to go in to look at it, that rude tour guide refused, muttering something about "deadly bacteria," "deadly viruses," and "deadly protozoa." When I asked for clarification, she said something about "dying." My son and I decided to go in anyway, but the rent-a-cops came and hauled both of us off the campus.

Yesterday, the admissions office has decided to say that my son has been rejected. How dare they? My son worked hard for that 2.01 GPA in high school. I demand that you admit my son to your university, or I will enter that lab and release those "deadly bacteria."

Sincerely,

Snow Ghobb

BroSCFischer
11-21-2013, 04:50 PM
Ms. Ghobb:

This is to inform you that your letter has been transferred to the FBI for terrorist threats.

I hope you enjoy the Federal Penitentiary for the next 20 years or so.

Sincerely,

Fred Physarum
Dean of Admissions
Kardashian University

*********************************************

To whom it may concern:

My family recently stayed at your hotel, and were appalled at the conditions. The rooms had no heat, and this was January! When I called the desk to complain, they told us that they would look into it. When the desk monkey came to our room to check, he complained that he couldn't breathe, and said it was like a sauna. That idiot couldn't possibly know what he was talking about, my family was freezing.

I demand that a full refund be given for my dissatisfaction with my stay, and that I receive a weeks free accommodation through your hotel chain (but NOT YOU!) or I will go to the press about how you tried to kill us by not heating our room.

Sincerely,

Eva B. Frost

catcul
11-21-2013, 10:10 PM
Dear Ms. Frost,

According to our records, you stayed in the hotel in Sidney, Australia. We do not turn on the heat during the summer. I do not understand how you could have been cold when you didn't turn on your air conditioner. It was 38C (100F) that week.

You will not get any money back, nor will we give you any free nights.

Sincerely,

Deborah Sheradon, Sleepy Night Hotels

-----

Dear Security ATM's,

Why do you have to make your ATM's so heavy? I pulled my truck into a convenience store late at night. When I tried to remove the ATM, it turned out that it was extremely heavy. I had great difficulty putting it into my truck. I had to leave it behind when that rude policeman showed up. I demand that you pay my bail and damage to my truck.

Sincerely,

Mo Ron Robber

Kristev
11-22-2013, 12:05 AM
Dear Mr. Robber,

We had no idea that the ATM was anywhere near that heavy! As it turned out, the reason for the great weight was that it was filled to the brim with money! You managed to break the ATM so it no longer weighs hardly anything as all the money fell out. Unfortunately, we cannot help you because firstly, that ATM contained all of our money, that 'policeman' seems to have taken early retirement. He won't say why, but we do know that he quit his job and moved to live out the rest of his life on some paradisical tropical island.

So, Mr. Robber, since we can't get our money back, we can't help you. And even if we could, we would refuse, because we blame you for breaking our ATM and letting that pretend policeman get away with all our money. You should sue him, 'cause we're suing you. Just as soon as we can afford to, that is.

Sighned

Mr. Allexeen One-Baskette,

Security ATM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Virigina's Fried Burgers Restaurant,

We went to your eating establishment because we were hungry after our long bike ride across the entire country and yours was the first eating place that we saw. But when we went in and read the menu, to our disgust, everything on it was fried, baked, full of sugars and saturated fats! Everyone there looked happy, but they also looked horribly fat!

Naturally, I and my group demanded to talk to the manager. When the fat blob arrived, we demanded that he immediately correct his menu with healthy choices and fresh vegetables! He instead informed us that we had no right to barge into the restaurant like we owned the place and insult everyone there for not being as thin and healthy as we were.

He also told us that we'd sent an old man to a heart attack because we wouldn't stop badgering him for being fat when he hadn't even eaten anything yet, and that we made a little girl cry because one of us knocked the ice cream out of her hand and replaced it with a carrot, then threatened to call C. P. S. on her mother for allowing her to eat ice cream in the first place!

We demand that you issue a public apology for making a place that still serves unhealthy food and where fat people can go and collect themselves. Looking at one is disgusting enough, but a whole restaurant? The whole lot of you make us sick! Rework your menu to make it conform to our standards of how you should cook, reduce your portion sizes to where your jumbo-size is now the size of a thimble rather than a tugboat, ban all sugar from the premises, and ban all people who weigh more than one-hundred and fifty pounds. Make that one hundred and twenty-five. And that you replace the playground with an exercise gym and make it mandatory that people work out there after they've eaten your food!

If you don't, we'll call the Food Police, and we'll stage sit-ins, go straight to the media and complain that you're the last restaurant that hasn't bowed to our will at least partially yet, and we've all agreed that as a last resort we're going to douse your restaurant in oil and burn it down, then rebuild it to make it a restaurant we can all be proud of! And we'll bring the entire Fat-Shamers guild with us, including the people from The Biggest Loser, to make your pathetic patrons take responsibility for themselves and stop stuffing their overfed, sickening faces!

Sincerely,

Prohib-It & Bannal Yumminess , husband and wife owner of the Healthier Than Thou Club.

BroSCFischer
11-22-2013, 03:49 AM
Dear Mr. an Mrs. Yumminess:

Back in the Seventies when I initially took over this restaurant, I changed it from a traditional fast food, to a veggie burger restaurant.

I had no customers.

Finally, facing bankruptcy, I relented and changed it back to serve the same food it originally had. I also renamed it after my late wife. Business had been booming ever since.

In response to your demands, I have filed a restraining order against you with my buddies on the police force. If you come within 200 yard of this property you WILL be arrested.

Thank you for your interest,

John McDuff
Proprietor, Virginia's Fried Burgers (formerly McDuff's, McBeth's and Duncan's)

********************************************

To whom it may concern:

I went to your store and saw that you were completely out of stock on a chair that was advertised to be on sale. When I asked the stock-boy to look for more, he refused, saying he knew that there weren't anymore. I went to the manager to complain about his attitude, and the manager told me that the boy was right, and that they wouldn't be getting anymore in. This is UNACCEPTABLE!!!11!

I demand that in the future, you make sure to have everything in stock at all times, and that i get a full living room set for free for my inconvenience or I will put you out of business.

Sincerely,

D. F. N. Blind

catcul
11-22-2013, 04:21 AM
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Yumminess,

It's obvious that you haven't read our menu. We offer turkey burgers and chicken sandwiches. We will not change our menu to please people that may not buy food from us again. Also, yelling at the old man is considered harassment. Slapping that ice cream from that little girl is considered assault. If you step inside our restaurant one more time, we will have you arrested on the spot.

It's obvious that you have never heard of The Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, NV.

Sincerely,

Virginia Borden, Virginia's Fried Burgers

-----

Dear Canadian Football League,

Why would you hold the Grey Cup in Regina, Saskatchewan? It's going to be freaking cold. Why couldn't you hold it in Miami, FL? When we get up there, you better have parkas available for my family and me to buy.

Sincerely,

Felix Pantera

cindybubbles
11-22-2013, 07:57 PM
Dear D.F.N. Blind:

The reason why we aren't ordering any more chairs like that is because of the mandatory product recall concerning its safety. It has a tendency to fall to pieces, especially when people like you throw it off highway bridges just to make a YouTube video about it.

So you will not receive a free living room set. You will not receive anything at all, because you are banned from this store. We hope this action will prevent our furniture from being damaged by the likes of you.

Sincerely,

Precious Furniture Inc.

---------

Dear Mr. Pantera:

We can't hold the Grey Cup in Miami, Florida, because Florida is not part of Canada. Enough said.

In addition, the Saskatchewan Roughriders are hosting the Grey Cup this year, so it is only natural that the game be hosted in Regina, Saskatchewan.

Finally, you should be able to buy parkas in your hometown. Your local department store should be able to accommodate you before you leave. May I suggest you gas up, however, as it will be a long drive there. I'm assuming that you don't want to pay for a plane ride, of course.

Sincerely,

The Canadian Football League

-------

Dear Management:

Why the heck did you shut my water off? I paid my maintenance fees on time!

And why did it take TWO WHOLE HOURS to get it restored? I was dying of thirst here!

(based on this thread (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=103218), but I never went to SC levels here)

Sincerely

Mr. Ned S. Hydration-Immediately

catcul
11-22-2013, 08:37 PM
Dear Mr. Hydration-Immediately,

We apologize for shutting off the water to your building. We were forced to shut it off because one of your neighbors decided to flush a dishrag down the toilet, backing it up. We didn't know how far the obstruction was, but we didn't want to make the situation worse. Because of the problems he has caused us, we have evicted him.

Sincerely,

Neptune Aquarious, Manager, Buena Vista Apartments

-----

Dear Bithertz Computer Store,

I took my laptop down to your store to see why it was freezing up. It should have been fixed almost immediately. Imagine my irritation when it took FOUR HOURS. That moron "technician" said something about "100 viruses" and me needing anti-virus. First, we all know that anti-virus software is a huge scam. Second, we all know that you fix computers in your free time. Imagine my shock when that guy tried to charge me $100 to fix my laptop. He said he wouldn't give me back my laptop until I paid.

I demand that you give my laptop back, and fire that "technician."

Sincerely,

Ima Luddite

Kristev
11-30-2013, 08:49 PM
Dear Miss Luddite,

We at Bithertz apologize for your computer difficulties, but your computer was never actually returned to you. It had so many viruses that we had to send it to the C. D. C. You will never get your laptop back, or at least that's what they report. What were you doing with that computer anyway?

No, Miss Luddite, anti-viral software is not a huge scam. Think of it as the windshield on your car. And yes, Miss Luddite, one must pay their bill.

I will not fire my son, and even if we could return your laptop, we wouldn't. No computer is safe in your hands and we beseech you to go seek medical attention.

Yours truly,
Cy Bernetic.

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Dear Holywood Independent Film Company,

I was disgusted when I went to see your movie, The Wounded Healer, because it told the story of a British doctor who had married an American man, fifteen years ago, but she was so committed to her job that she spent all her time with her patients rather than her husband and her family. So when he ran into an American girl that he used to date as a teenager, he resumed their relationship. Then the doctor found out.

And instead of fighting the girl, or destroying everything her husband had, the doctor turned to her brother, an Anglican priest, for advice. Then the doctor told us about the trauma she had been through, having survived an abusive relationship until she found the strength to fight back and leave, and that it ruined her ability to trust men ever again. She instead dove into her work at the clinic, trying desperately to save all her patients, no matter what, at the cost of her personal relationships.

There was no hitting, except for one scene where the doctor slapped her husband in the face after spending five straight minutes berating her. There was no swearing of any kind. The worst thing anyone ever said was fiddlesticks, and that was a woman with a husband dying of cancer! No car chases, nothing getting blown up, nobody getting arrested by some supercop who thrashes baddies around! With the husband and his girlfriend, we didn't get to see them do more than kiss, then he began to touch his shirt as if he was going to remove it, and the scene switched back to the hospital, where the doctor was being given some very good advice by an old nurse. Why, the only person who died in the entire movie was the man with cancer.

I was completely disgusted! No violence, no profanity, no sex, only one death! Just a wiccan doctor who turns to her Christian brother for advice when she finds out her neglected husband is having an affair because she's too busy avoiding her own pain by healing others to care about him. What kind of a movie is that? When I take my kids to the movies, I expect to see gore and the darkest side of humanity, not a drama about a woman trying to save her marriage. I demand that you start making your pictures as filthy as everyone else, or else I'm going to sue for emotional distress, for ten million dollars!

Signed,

Wade Andwallow Infilth.

catcul
12-02-2013, 06:42 AM
Dear Mr. Infilth,

We made The Wounded Healer for prime time on the Hallmark Channel. They required us to make a movie extremely limited violence, no sex, and no profanity. If you want that kind of "action," may I suggest HBO, Showtime, or Cinemax.

Sincerely,

Fred Rodgers, Holywood Films

-----

Dear Big Hill Hotel,

I went to your hotel in Dallas, TX. They said that their hotel was completely booked up. The hotel clerk muttered something about "football" and "Thanksgiving." Those were some poor excuses. We all know that football season ended two weeks ago with the Grey Cup. Also, Thanksgiving is the second Monday in October, not some Thursday in November. For some reason, that clerk is discriminating against us Canadians.

I demand that you let us stay in your hotels in Florida for the entire month of December, and you fire that bigot clerk.

Sincerely,

Ann Canuck

cindybubbles
12-03-2013, 07:39 PM
Hey, y'all! Big Billy, owner of the Big Hill Hotel here!

Now what in tarnation are y'all yammerin' about? Ah don't know or care when you Canucks hold yer Thanksgivin' or football, but here in the good ol' US of A, we have ours in November! And we have good pecan pie, too!

Now, ah aint gonna fire mah wife for knowin' that! Y'all might wanna skip February, too; that's when we have our good ol' fashioned Super Bowl, and the hotel is packed to the hilt!

How about that, EH?

Big Billy

--------------------------

Dear Mr Police Officer:

Since when is it illegal to drink on the street? It was just a bottle of Scotch, and I bought it with my hard-earned money! I wasn't even driving; I don't have a car, since you dolts stole it from me!

Sincerely,

The Town Drunk

Tyg3rW01f
12-03-2013, 09:31 PM
Dear Otis,

It's been illegal since the 1800's to drink in public. By the way, you do know we leave the keys to your cell by the door for your convenience, right?

Signed,
A. Taylor (http://candledance.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/sheriff_andy_griffith.jpg?w=497)
Duly Appointed Sheriff, Mayberry

P.S. Your car is awaiting your hard-earned money in the County Impound Yard.

------------

Dear Lapple Computers Inc.
The qPADD I purchased this past CyberMonday was not new! In fact it contained another person's ENTIRE life on it, contacts, schedule, EVERYTHING!!! I horrifiedly request you DO SOMETHING!

Officer S.
Sret du Qubec aka SQ
((REAL LIFE Story HERE (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/oddnews/woman-buys-%E2%80%98new%E2%80%99-ipad-from-target-with-past-user%E2%80%99s-personal-information-212926070.html)))

catcul
12-04-2013, 01:52 AM
Dear Officer S.,

So that's where my qPADD went. One of our workers accidentally boxed up and sent it to your address. I will be picking up my qPADD and give you a fully loaded qPADD and US$200 for your troubles.

Thank you,

Bill Jobs, CEO Lapple Computers, Inc.

-----

Dear Elvin Forest Hotel,

I stayed in your hotel recently and noticed a beautiful and fully decorated Christmas tree in the lobby. I just love the scent of pine. I went to smell the tree. Imagine my horror when I found out that it was an artificial tree. I went to the manager and complained about the tree. He told me that putting a real tree there would be a fire hazard.

I demand that you take that abomination out and put in a real tree, or I'll show you how much of a fire hazard that fake thing really is.

Sincerely,

Fiera Grinchy

XCashier
12-04-2013, 02:19 AM
Dear Ms. Grinchy,

It's a violation of the fire code to have a real tree inside a public building. However, you could've stepped outside and enjoyed the scent of any of the many species of evergreens growing alive and healthy in the grounds around our hotel.

A pity you won't be back to enjoy them, since your little threat of arson has put you on the banned list. We've also forwarded a copy of your letter to your local police department.

Regards,
Legolas Greenleaf, owner
Elvin Forest Hotel

* * * * *

Dear Riverside Shopping Mall,

Last Friday I wanted a nice long shopping trip. I'd worn myself out cooking a huge turkey dinner the day before, and I thought I deserved a nice, quiet shopping trip as a reward.

Imagine my horror to see the entire mall mobbed! Wall to wall with people! There was shouting, pushing, I even saw a fight break out over a toy! It was utterly terrifying! I asked what the deal was, someone rudely shouted "what do you expect on Black Friday?!"

Well, this won't do! I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and ask that you keep the mall orderly and quiet so I can enjoy my shopping in peace!

Sincerely,
Ann Throphobia

Lace Neil Singer
12-04-2013, 02:03 PM
Dear Mrs Throphobia,

Your letter shocked and disgusted me. I was working that very day, as it happens, and was present when one of my collegues was trampled under the rampaging crowd. I also distinctly remember you giving him a kick as you walked out. Please understand that you are no longer welcome in the mall, so will no longer have to tolerate the crowds.

Yours, Ms Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Wonderful Pizza,

i called ur shop today, witch is Xmas Eve, to ask wen u wer openin 2moro. the rude bitch workin ther told me u wer closed! this is outragus coz wat am i gonna do for xmas dinner? mi kidz wil starv now and its all you're falt! Giv me free pizza 4 a year or i wil su u.

from I. L. Iterate.

catcul
12-04-2013, 04:02 PM
Dear Mr. Iterate,

We are closed on Christmas Day so that our employees can spend Christmas with their families. However, if you're looking for a restaurant that's open on Christmas, you might want to go to Solomon Cone Kosher Deli. Since the owner is Jewish, he doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Sincerely,

Giovanni Vatali, Owner, Wonderful Italy Pizza

-----

Dear Fillmore Correctional Facility,

I was visiting some of my friends in your prison when these guys in uniform just grabbed me. They said something about drugs, saws, and cell phones being taped on my body. They stuffed me in the back of a truck and sent me to someone named Veterinarian. This woman stuck this object into my rear end and said 102 when she finally pulled it back out. Now, I'm living with a family who dangle string in front of me. The final indignity is they keep calling me "Fluffy." They won't let me visit my buddies in the prison.

How could you do this to me?

Sincerely,

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

PS: How could you post this picture of me on the internet? You didn't even blur my face.

http://img.cellular-news.com/story/60306/Russian_Cat_Caught_Smuggling_Mobile_Phones_into_Pr ison_1.jpg

[Picture found here (http://www.cellular-news.com/story/60323.php).]

purplecat41877
12-05-2013, 09:16 PM
Dear Sampson,

Please enjoy your stay with your new family. We have also included some more cat toys for you to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Chief Prison Officer



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to shop and was offended to see one of your employees outside next to a bucket outside constantly ringing a bell. When I told her to stop, she had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't allowed. I want this rude employee fired and whatever she has in that bucket. If you don't do what I want, I will snatch the bell from her and run over it with my car.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Peaceandquiet

catcul
12-06-2013, 06:33 AM
Dear Mrs. Peaceandquiet,

The woman in front of our Supermarket does not work for us. She works for the Salvation Army, a charity organization whose mission is to help the less fortunate. We will not ban her or any other worker for the Salvation Army. However, we will ban you if you destroy her bell.

Sincerely,

Peter Paul, Store Manager, Healthy Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear M Mobile,

I was using my phone to text a friend when the bus I was driving slammed into a house. The policemen that responded to the accident you caused said something about the house being knocked of its foundation and it needing to be condemned. Thankfully, nobody got hurt due to your negligence. When my boss saw what happened, he fired me.

Why didn't you put a warning system on your phone? It would have been nice if my phone had warned me if I was wandering off the road. I demand $1 million and you pay for rebuilding the house.

Sincerely,

Helen Wheels

Lace Neil Singer
12-06-2013, 07:27 PM
Dear Mrs Wheels,

May I draw your attention to the fact that a law exists prohibiting the use of mobiles while driving? I have passed your letter on to the police; I'm sure they will be happy to add "driving without due care and attention" and "using a phone while driving" to your already extremely long rap list.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms Couldntgivatoss, owner of M Mobile.

~~~

Dear manager of Crapmart,

I want to complain about an extremely rude employee of yours. I was shopping in your supermarket, when I realised that I'd forgotten some items on my list, so I told a nearby employee to go and get them for me. The employee, who was named Katie, refused, claiming that she was off the clock and shopping herself. This is obviously a lie; she obviously took the trolley and the child it contained as a blind to avoid doing any work. I want you to fire Katie and give me a 100 gift voucher.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Mona Lott.

catcul
12-06-2013, 09:33 PM
Dear Mrs. Lott,

We don't have any employee named Katie. However, the Clinic next door has an employee name Katie. Her real name is Dr. Katherine Benjamin. No only are we denying your request for a gift card; we hope you don't get sick anytime soon.

Sincerely,

Michael Henderson, Store Manager, Wrapped Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear Bus Company,

I can't believe what your bus driver did yesterday. I was on my way home riding your bus when he made a detour to the hospital. He muttered something about a woman in labor. He should have kicked that woman off and let the ambulance take care of her.

I want you to give me a bus pass for a year for my inconvenience. Also, you should fire that rude bus driver.

Sincerely,

Cheney Richards

cindybubbles
12-07-2013, 08:09 PM
Dear Mrs. Richards:

No, we will not fire our good bus driver. First of all, our records show that there was no woman in labour on the bus. The woman in question was his wife, and she was already in the hospital. Second, the detour was not because of the woman, but because of road work being done to the main route. The hospital just happened to be near the detour.

Fortunately the backup driver was already there when the husband came, and you only needed to wait two minutes until your bus started again.

Next time, please pay attention to the situation at hand. It could be a matter of life and death.

Sincerely,

The Toronto Transit Commission

------------

Dear Toronto Transit Commission:

Why the frell is the water in the ladies' washroom at Warden Station so FREAKING COLD? Especially in the winter! I tried to tell this to the rude ticket collector, but he just brushed me off!

And what's worse, when I complained to one of the bus drivers, he told me that the employees' washroom is even WORSE! He told me tales of backed-up, overflowing toilets, and the fact that the washrooms can't even be fixed or renovated because of the way the station was designed!

I demand that you replace that rude ticket collector and the incompetent repair crew that disregards the employees, and that you have water heaters installed!

I would also like you to put back the switches onto the faucets so we can decide to have hot or cold water running in Kipling station! And to have hand dryers that actually blow HOT air!

Signed,

Stella, the Pink Angry Passenger

(this really happened to me, by the way! Oh, and Warden and Kipling are both subway stations, so keep that in mind when you respond, please!)

catcul
12-07-2013, 10:53 PM
Dear Ms. Stella,

We apologize for the cold water, but it tends to be ice cold this time of year. Unfortunately, since the subway stations you mentioned were built underground, the plumbing tends to be bad, but extremely expensive. If you haven't heard, our city counsel is currently focused on our mayor.

Our apologies,

M. Aple Leaf, Toronto Transit Commission

--

Dear Sally Johnson Emergency Hospital,

I was staying in your hospital when I stopped this man in a red polo, blue khakis, and a hospital name badge. I needed some more medicine, so I asked him to give me medicine. He told me that he wasn't allowed, since he works in something he called, "the IT department." What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are you running? Why would a hospital, A HOSPITAL, hire anyone who is not qualified to administer medicine? I demand that you give me a month's supply of my prescription drugs, and fire that guy in the "IT department."

Sincerely,

Ima Luddite

XCashier
12-08-2013, 01:15 AM
Dear Ms. Luddite,

This hospital employs many staff members who are not qualified to dispense medicine. We employ staff for laundry, food service, administration, IT (that's computer services to you), maintenance, electrical, janitorial, chaplain and gift shop positions. All of which are necessary for a properly-running modern hospital.

Most industries have an equally varied workforce. For example, the police department doesn't just employ police officers; they have maintenance, administration, janitorial and other staff as well. No large company can run with only one type of worker.

Your request is denied. Welcome to the 21st century.

Sincerely,
Delia Johnson, CFO,
Sally Johnson Emergency Hospital

* * * * *

Dear Craft Store,

I tried to make it out to your store to participate in your big pre-Christmas sale, but a massive snowstorm kept me home. The snow's finally down to a manageable level, but your sale is over and the coupons have expired!

That's not fair! I demand that you hold over the sale and let me use the expired coupons or I will burn down your store!

Sincerely,
Ivana Discount

catcul
12-08-2013, 02:05 AM
Dear Ms. Discount,

Usually, we give our store managers latitude in cases of bad weather. We understand bad weather. The store manager closest to you would normally honor your expired coupons if the snow was bad on the expiration date. However, since you threatened to burn our store to the ground, we are forwarding your letter to the police.

Sincerely,

Betty Ross, Pleasant Fabric and Craft Store

-----

Dear Nuclear Fallout Hot Sauce,

I recently bought a bottle of your Leveled Target Hot Sauce recently. The bottle had printed on the back, "125,000 Scoville units." I thought that you wanted me to think it was really tasty, so I bought it. When I splashed it on my chicken fajitas, it smelled great. When I took a bite out of it, it felt like I was eating molten lead. My mouth was burning so badly, I drank a gallon of tea. After that turned out to be futile, I called 911. They took me to the hospital immediately. All night, it felt like I had a blast furnace in my chest and gut. Let's not talk about the volcano that was my anus the next day when I finally passed your poisonous product.

I demand that you pay for my hospital bills, refund my money, and pull your vile product off the shelf immediately.

Sincerely,

I. Cicle

(Keep in mind that a jalapeno pepper has 6,000 Scoville units of hotness. 125,000 is extremely hot. :devil::burnup::pissed::flame:)

Kristev
12-10-2013, 01:50 AM
Dear I. Cicle,

We are proud of our Leveled Target Hot Sauce. But you know what we're even more proud of? Our warning labels! They're quite large and easy to read, taking up the entire eastern side of our jars. We don't believe that our product is poisonous at all, which is more than we can say for your cruel, overheated comments slandering all over the Internet. We'd sue you, but you've made us a fortune in free publicity.

We refuse to give you anything, except this letter. However, because we don't think you're capable of reading this letter, we are also sending a copy of this to you by singing telegram.

Sincerely,

Miss Sahara Blaze, assistant director of consumer relations, Nuclear Fallout Hot Sauce.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey you jerks at Fly By Night Airlines!

I am writing to let you know just how angry I am with your service. You see, on the night before Thanksgiving, all my brothers and I, and their wives and children, all met up at my house. Since I didn't want my house dashed to pieces as always happens at family gatherings, I suggested we go have Thanksgiving at our parents' place instead. So we used the "Name your own price with the telephone" service, then went to your company and got a plane. We demanded that we all fly together, which your pilots and managers refused to allow, so after my brothers strongly suggested that everyone who wasn't a member of our family give up their seats and pick a different flight, we were finally able to all fly together.

So we made him fly to our parents' home, but they were gone. All the lights were off and the doors were locked. When I called my parents, my Father said he was with his new girlfriend on the other side of town and wasn't coming home, and my Mother told me she'd left Father and gone to get an education, better herself, and start a new, civilized life! Of all the nerve! We then found your pilot had flown off again, leaving us all stranded in the cold. Naturally, my brothers and I smashed our way into the house, but the neighbors called the police on us!

Our Thanksgiving is ruined, all because of your dreadful company! We demand you pay our bail, refund our money for the tickets, and give us a Thanksgiving feast people will talk about for years. If you refuse, my family will happily give your business, and its planes, a free remodel . . .

Signed,

Barbra Ian Vandal-Goth & the Goth & Vandal families.

catcul
12-10-2013, 06:50 AM
Dear Mrs. Vandal-Goth,

When your family threw the other passengers, you essentially hijacked our plane. You also admitted that you dropped in on your parents at the last minute. Obviously, they were not home. You still decided to force your way into the house. I believe that's called burglary. We hold no responsibility for anything you did. We have, however, forwarded this letter to a federal prosecutor. Good luck at your trial.

Sincerely,

Howard Avian, Fly by Night Airlines

-----

Dear Network Security Professor,

Are you trying to make me paranoid? I was in your class last night. You were talking about Trojans, viruses, worms, hackers, and bad users. As if I didn't have enough to worry about on my computer. Are they really out to get us? Exactly what did you put on my portable hard drive?

If you put malicious code on my portable drive, I will report you to the IC3. I have my eyes on you, Buddy.

Sincerely,

Dan Nixon

Kristev
12-13-2013, 01:17 AM
Dear Mr. Nixon,

I put on your computer a new program, for free, that I had given to everyone who attended my lecture. The Deflecta-Shield program will redirect any divert from viruses, trojans, worms, and will also not allow bad users from interfering with critical computer functions.

Do not worry. The worst thing that will happen to your computer now is should you decide to go messing around with the system files, the Deflecta-Shield will prevent it and force you to play Hearts instead.

Have a nice day,

Sincerely,

Professor Shiela D. Rook-Castle, inventor of the Deflecta-Shield.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Little Shop of Horrors,

You kidnappers! I went to The Little Shop of Horrors to go do my Christmas shopping right after Thanksgiving. Naturally, I took my children with me. The problem is, my children were too tired from eating their big meal and asked to go home and sleep. I sent them to the car and told them to sleep there, and I continued my shopping.

Imagine my horror when, four and a half-hours later, I get to my car and find that my kids are missing. Before I can do anything, I see a note that a nurse has seen my children alone in the car and, after talking to them and waiting for me for over twenty minutes,, summoned the authorities.
I know what that busybody woman really did! She kidnapped my children, and you helped her!

I expect that you refund me the ten thousand dollars I spend at the sale, though you still allow me to keep the things I purchased. Oh yes, of course, I also expect you to return my children.

Carla S. Andbadmotter.

BroSCFischer
12-14-2013, 12:34 PM
Dear Ms. Andbadmotter

Your letter has been forwarded to CPS.

Per our copy of the incident report we filed with our insurer, and turned over to the police, we made three separate announcements asking for the owner of a vehicle with the License Plate IMNID8 to please go to their vehicle. To which no response was given. When the police arrived, and used your license plate number to find out who owned the vehicle we did a fourth announcement calling you by name.

When none of bore any fruit, the police called Child Protective Services, and they took you children for their own protection. For your information, each child was suffering from hypothermia and mild to severe frostbite. This is to be expected when we have a particularly cold night, that is -10 *F.

You are no longer welcome at our establishment, and your children will be returned to you at the discretion of CPS or a Judge.

Thank you for your concern,

S. Krelborne, Proprietor

***********************************************

Dear Fresh and Ready Grocers,

When I was checking out your clerk Samuel tried to scan a bag of oranges that I was purchasing. When the item did not scan, he told me that he would have to run back to produce to check the price.

I am absolutely shocked at the level of incompetence of your employee. He should know the price, or he shouldn't be working in a store.

I demand that you fire Samuel, and replace him with a someone who knows what he is doing.

Sincerely,

I. B. Smart

catcul
12-16-2013, 02:08 AM
Dear Mr. Smart,

It is impossible for anyone to memorize the prices since we carry hundreds of ideas. Many items change often. However, we have reprimanded him for leaving his till unattended. After all, he could have called the produce department from the registers. However, it is only a verbal warning. We will not fire him since he is a good employee who knows what he is doing.

Sincerely,

I. M. Big, Store Manager, Fresh and Ready Grocers

-----

Dear Fire Bird, Inc.,

I recently bought your fire log and I read this on the side, "Caution: Risk of Fire." How stupid do you think I am? I know there is a risk of fire. I bought it so I can start a fire in my fireplace. Why would you put that on there? I believe you should remove that warning and engage in a bit of Darwinism. If they don't think something called a FIRE LOG is flammable, they deserve to have their house burn down.

Sincerely,

Barry Hartless

cindybubbles
12-16-2013, 07:58 PM
Dear Mr. Hartless:

We don't think that you are stupid. Really, we don't. However, we cannot say the same for some of our other customers.

You see, unfortunately, we cannot remove the warning label as a result of a lawsuit launched against us. In this case, the plaintiff thought that it would be a good idea to light the log on the table while drinking. As a result, 90% of his body was covered in third degree burns. He was lucky to have survived.

The reason for this warning label was that the plaintiff thought that the log was a large Yule log-like Christmas cake and he wanted to flambe it for his wife.

So, if we remove the label, we risk going to prison, which means, no company. No company, no fire logs.

We apologize for your inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Mary Mae
President
Fire Bird, Inc.

---------------------------------------

Dear King.com

Your Candy Crush game is too HARD! I've been stuck on Level 1 for 10 years, and have exhausted all of my savings buying candy hammers!

Please make it easy!

(not true in real life: I'm stuck on level 478)

Sincerely,

Spoiled Princess

Lace Neil Singer
12-16-2013, 08:59 PM
Dear Ms Princess,

Since Candy Crush is too difficult for you to progress on, may I suggest instead trying a game at this link instead?

http://www.knowledgeadventure.com/age/5-year-old-games/

The games here are for five year olds, which matches your mental age exactly so I think you will be pleased with this solution.

Yours Sincerely,

King.com

~~~

Dear Manager of Supermarket,

I would like to complain about the lack of stock available in your store. I showed up on Christmas Eve at five thirty five, and there were no turkeys, no sprouts and no fresh bread sauce! Also, the cashier who served me had the nerve to suggest that since the store was closing in half an hour, the stock had run out. I am disgusted and appalled at your lack of planning. I demand a gift voucher, or I will never shop in your store again.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Cantplanahed

cindybubbles
12-18-2013, 12:43 AM
Dear Ms. Cantplanahed

Between September and Black Friday, we've been up to our EYEBALLS in Christmas stock. You could have picked a day between those times to shop.

We also have families like you do, and would love to spend Christmas Eve with them, just as you would like to do with yours. That's why we close at 6 on Christmas Eve.

Finally, we have your picture, so I'm going to honour your request to never shop again, and ban you permanently.

Sincerely

Karl Wright
Manager
Metro Foods

------------------------

Dear Police Office:

I demand that you drop the charges against me! So what if my neighbour hates Christmas? He deserved being stabbed in the back so that I could make Christmas stuffing with his meat and blood! And don't I have the right to decorate my Christmas tree with his Grinchy bones? And how about the "tofurky" that I made out of his brains, heart and lungs? Delish!

I demand that you let me go, at least so I can spend a proper Christmas with my family and my neighbour Scrooge's remains!

Signed,

Mrs. Christmas Freak

XCashier
12-18-2013, 03:51 PM
Dear Police Office,

Please, please don't release our mother from prison! She's been terrorizing us for years, absolutely obsessed with Christmas, demanding that every Christmas be perfect, beating us bloody if we hit a sour note while singing Carols, threatening the weatherman if there's no snow, forcing us to eat all kinds of unidentifiable things for Christmas dinner. And now she's murdered and butchered our neighbor, decorating the house with his body parts and sending our sister Ivy to the mental ward.

She's made our lives a living hell since we were born, and has completely ruined our lives. We never want to see her ever again. Please keep her in prison where she belongs, where she won't hurt anybody ever again. Oh, and tell her we've converted.

Happy Hanukkah,
Merry, Noel and Holly Freak

* * * * *

Dear VoldeMart,

I can't believe the ridiculous lines here! You had every register open, yet there were lines out to the middle of the store! And some rude idiot said, "it's Christmas season, what do you expect?"

I demand that you fire that rude idiot and install fifty more registers, all manned, or I will go straight to the media and tell them how horrible you are!

Sincerely,
Al About-Me

catcul
12-19-2013, 03:52 AM
Dear Mr. About-Me,

Unfortunately, this is the busiest time of the year. We try to keep staffed, but unfortunately, many temporary workers quit after a week. If you would like to shop with little foot traffic, I'd suggest shopping here at about 2 am. We don't tend to be busy during that time.

Sincerely,

Chris Krampus

-----

Dear Closet Background Screening Company,

How could you do this to me? I wanted a job at the local hospital, so I filled out your consent form. I found out that I didn't get the job. Apparently, they told me that they didn't want to hire someone who forged a prescription. So what if I forged a prescription? I really wanted to try Adderall. I needed to stay awake during the day. I believe that staying awake is a sign of a good worker.

I demand that you tell that hospital to hire me, or I will sue you for $1 million.

Sincerely,

Walter Grey

purplecat41877
12-21-2013, 10:43 AM
Dear Mr. Grey,

Forging prescriptions is illegal. Therefore we are pressing charges.

Sincerely,

Screening Company



Dear Gas Station Manager,

I was pumping gas when one of your rude employees came over and told me to turn off my engine. I told him that I didn't have time and to deal with it. He had the nerve to turn the pump off so I grabbed a gas container outside of the store, put it in my car, and drove off without paying. I want this rude employee fired for wasting my time, a $200 gift card, free gas for life, or I will set fire to your gas pumps.

Sincerely,

Tim E. Saver

Kristev
12-21-2013, 11:03 PM
Dear Mr. Saver,

You very nearly started a fire to begin with. If it wasn't for the quick thinking of my employee, Craig, my gas station would have been a bigger bomb than Gigli.

You must turn off your car before you begin pumping gas. And you aren't allowed to steal. But please, do come back to our gas station. My sister, a police officer, and her usual partner, a big, burly, rather aggressive hulk of a man who hates arsonists, will be waiting to greet you.

Respectlessly yours,

Otto Mobille.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wondermart,

My fiancee and I were in your store on Christmas Eve and we were finishing up our holiday shopping. We'd had just about everything and were standing in line together. While in line, my fiancee says she must go to the restroom and can I watch our cart, so I say yes. And while she's gone, I notice the woman behind me. She's drop-dead gorgeous, a blonde in a low-cut red dress with a gold scarf. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and we get to talking. As we're talking, we kiss . . . only to have me pulled away and slapped by my fiancee, who has seen us.

Of course, I hit her back and make her fall down. And as she scrambles to get up, I kick her. Unfortunately for me, a big cowboy and his boyfriend step in. The boyfriend protects her, telling her that he'd never seen such blatant abuse before while the cowboy hits me! Getting mad at me at hearing the word abuse, my fiancee starts screeching at me like a harpy, and telling the boyfriend this isn't the first time I've decked her and she won't take this anymore. The other girl runs off, but comes back with the security guard.
"I almost slept with him!"
"You aren't missing much," my fiancee said.

I shout at my fiancee, she shouts at me, the boyfriend starts shouting at me, and the cowboy holds me back. Then the security guard, the cowboy, another man, and a rather big lesbian all pick me up and literally throw me out of the store.

I see my fiancee leave later, with the cowboy and his boyfriend. They tell me they're giving her a lift to her father's house, and that she's going to live there from now on.

I demand a million dollars in compensation, an apology from your security guard and your entire management team, everything we were going to buy in the cart for free, a hundred gift cards of a hundred dollars each, the banning of the cowboy, his boyfriend, and the phone number for that lovely blonde girl in the low-cut dress. She'll make an excellent girlfriend, when she's whipped into shape.

If you refuse, I'll go straight to the Scam City television show on Channel 8 and tell them my whole story! Wait until Yenta Talkulott gets through with you!

Signed,

Mr. I. D. Otterkentrol.

catcul
12-22-2013, 10:25 PM
Dear Mr. Otterkentrol,

You caused a disturbance when you decided to beat up your fiance. We have given the cowboy, his brother, and their mother a free gift card for throwing you out. We are banning you from our store because you caused a violent disturbance. You were also harassing another customer.

I wouldn't try talking to Yenta Talkulott about us. You know that blonde in the red dress and gold scarf you were harassing? That was Yenta Talkulott.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Savage, Store Manager, Wondermart Foods

-----

Dear Coliseum,

You are a bunch of liars. When you advertised that you had the Trans-Siberian Orchestra a week ago, I was expecting a typical Russian orchestra. What the hell is this :censored:? They had an electric guitar. I don't think Franz Liszt would approve of that. You even had a guy that sounded like he had a bad case of laryngitis singing.

I demand that you refund my money and never have the Trans-Siberian Orchestra here again. They're not even from Russia. They're from New York City, NEW YORK CITY.

Sincerely,

Anton Soliere

-----
("Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHioIlbnS_A)" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Merry Christmas, and you're welcome.)

purplecat41877
12-25-2013, 09:21 AM
Dear Mr. Soliere,

Enclosed is a refund since you didn't like our performance. However, the TSO is welcome back as often as they'd like since others enjoyed their music.

Sincerely,

O. R. Chestra
Coliseum Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your grocery store to shop and your rude employee told me that you were closing in 10 minutes. I told her that she had no right to rush me and that I would take as long as I wanted. She had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't allowed to work late. I was steamed so I grabbed a case of 12 pack soda, opened it, threw the cans on the floor one at a time, and stormed out. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $400 gift card to make up for ruining my Christmas. If you don't give me what I want, I will break into your store at two in the morning and knock all your 2 liter bottles off the shelf and then open them.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Late

catcul
12-31-2013, 04:01 AM
Dear Mrs. Late,

I told you that we were closing for Christmas so that our workers can spend Christmas with their families. Also, those cans of soda caused a sticky mess that our stock people had to clean. You are now banned from our store. We have you on camera so that our security can turn you away if you walk into our store at 2 am. We will not have anyone destroy our products.

Sincerely,

Donna Springs, Store Manager, Super Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear Happy Time Amusements,

How dare you call my daughter short? I took her to your park for her fifth birthday to have fun. When we got there, we tried to have her drive around your track in the go-carts. Your rude attendant told me that she was too short to use the brake properly. She could use the gas pedal. Why can't you let her drive despite not being able to use the brake?

Then we decided to try your miniature golf course. What kind of balls do you use? Every time I swung at the ball, it would bounce over the little walls. Another rude attendant came up to me and told me to knock it off, or I will be asked to leave. Since I didn't want to ruin my five-year-old daughter's birthday, I stopped playing.

Then we decided to go on the bumper boats. We asked another attendant to go onto the bumper boats. Imagine our shock when she told us that it was closed. She muttered words like "winter" and "too cold."

I demand that you refund my money and give me and unlimited pass for summer.

Sincerely,

Kevin Bohn-Hed

Tyg3rW01f
12-31-2013, 07:31 AM
Mr. Bohn-Hed,
First of all, your daughter was not wearing her prosthetic when you brought her to the go-karts.
Second of all, of course we will ask you to leave the mini-golf when you continue to swing like Jack Nicklaus going for the last eagle of his Master's Tour.
Third, it is December, and you visited our CALGARY, CANADA, location. The bumper boats were not only closed, but encased in three feet of ice!

We would refund your money, except for the fact that your entire party used our Christmas coupon, which states, "Buy one child's admission half-price, get an Adult admission FREE."

Hazza Pair,
General Manager, Happy Time Amusements

--------

Dear Lightning Pizza,

My cousin lives next door to me, and ordered pizza. We had not been able to get out due to the last three days of rain. However, when your driver arrived and delivered the pizza, he left ruts in my yard!
I demand he not only fix the damage to my yard, he pay me $20 for seed, and deliver a free pizza!

Shys Ter
((BTW, this one HAPPENED to me... 1030 EST on 12-30-13))

Lace Neil Singer
12-31-2013, 02:56 PM
Dear Mr Ter,

I am reliably informed that the delivery driver left the ruts in your yard when he was escaping the place, due to you running out waving a shotgun and yelling that you weren't going to pay. Therefore, you will not be getting any money and you already have a free pizza. Enjoy it, cuz the police have been informed of your attempt to kill my driver (we have evidence including the bullet holes in the windscreen and the spent shell casings on the passenger seat) and I'm told that the prisons in this state are not known for their cuisine.

Yours, Manager of Lightning Pizza.

~~~

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I am disgusted at you closing your supermarket on Boxing Day, when you were meant to be open. When I first tried to complain, your phones were down. The second time when I got thru to the duty manager's mobile, he had the nerve to say that the reason why they were closed was cuz of the massive flooding and the subsequent power cut. What nonsense! I haven't seen any flooding from my house on top of Gianthill Road, so there must be none. I demand you fire your duty manager for telling me lies and send me a 100 gift card.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Ariel Hassle.

purplecat41877
01-01-2014, 09:13 AM
Dear Mrs. Hassle,

Our duty manager was telling the truth about the flood and the power outage so he won't be fired. Your gift card request is denied.

Sincerely,

C. Arrot
Manager



Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to have me thrown out of the store. All I did was knock items off the shelf, pour drinks on the floor, throw glass on the floor, and pour open bagged snacks on the floor so your employees would have plenty to do. I demand you send me a thank you letter and a $1200 gift card since I gave your employees work to do since you obviously don't. If you don't do what I want, I will go on the roof with a megaphone and announce to everyone that enters the store that the employees don't have enough work to do and are always bored.

Sincerely,

Jo B. Security

cindybubbles
01-02-2014, 08:40 PM
Dear Ms. Security:

Our employees have plenty to do without your causing messes in the store. In fact, it is because of people like you that they either quit or are fired due to not being able to do everything at once.

Incidentally, security does want to see you again. They will be accompanied by their friends, the police.

Sincerely,

Ms. Icare About Myemployees

Manager of The Everything Store

-----------------------------

Yo, Pizza Place!

All I did was order pizza for me and my frat brothers, and that the delivery person be female and hot! You didn't have to ban me or call the cops! I want a refund and I want that hot babe back here for some ACTION!

Mr. Ilove Rape-Bait

catcul
01-02-2014, 11:01 PM
Dear Mr. Rape-Bait,

What you did was nothing short of sexual assault. You grabbed her breasts and rear constantly. You even tried to drag her into your house even after she told you she didn't want to go in. She's lucky that she has sharp fingernails. She was able to get away.

We've also talked to the other area restaurants about your house. They've had the same problems. We've put your house on a black list. Good luck trying to get anyone to deliver to your house.

Sincerely,

"Papa" Pete Sah Togo, Owner, Mama Maria's Pizza

-----

Dear Green Forest Cemetery,

I came to visit my father's grave when this rude caretaker told us that our children were not allowed to climb on the other grave markers. He kept muttering on about heavy gravestones and having respect for the dead. How dare he say things like that. I want my children to have fun despite having their grandfather being dead. If you have loose grave stones, you need to secure them so my children can climb them in safety.

I demand that you fire that rude groundskeeper.

Sincerely,

Mary Ghoul

cindybubbles
01-03-2014, 01:18 AM
Dear Ms. Ghoul:

To the dead, the grave is their home. How would you like it if somebody's children crawled all over your home? If their grandfather was alive, I'm sure he'd beat the stuffing out of your pampered children.

I think I know some kids who are itching for action. Would you like me to send them to your house so that they can wreak havoc on it? No? Then please LEAVE THE DEAD ALONE!

Sincerely,

Mr. Digger
Groundskeeper AND Owner
Green Forest Cemetery

---------------------------------

Dear Repair Company:

Why the heck did you ban me and my business? Just because I asked for the repair guy to be young, hot and take his shirt off when he repaired my copier?

I'm a single woman who's getting past her prime, and desperate. The men I meet at the online dating sites are scum, and the men I meet offline on my own are either taken, or are scumbags, too.

Incidentally, if you DO decide to call the police, could you do me a favour and ask for officers who are young, hot and single?

Thanks,

Ms. Desperate

purplecat41877
01-05-2014, 09:13 AM
Dear Ms. Desperate,

What you did was sexual harassment. If we need to call the police, we have no control over which officers are sent over.

Sincerely,

R. E. Pair
Manager



Dear Strike Anywhere Matches Company Owner,

I got arrested and it's all your fault. Your matches claim that they're strike anywhere so I lit up a cigarette inside of a shopping mall. What you did was false advertising since strike anywhere matches should mean I can strike the match wherever and whenever I want. I demand you put on the label where they can't be used or I will hack into your system and change the label myself.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

cindybubbles
01-05-2014, 08:37 PM
Dear Mrs. Literal:

Our strike-anywhere matches have nothing to do with the fact that you smoked inside a building, which is illegal. You could have used a lighter or a safety match and still get in trouble with security or the police for smoking inside a building.

Therefore, common sense dictates us to ignore your request and forward this letter to the police.

Sincerely,

Mr. Match Box
Owner
Matches Inc.

---------------------------------

Hey Owner!

Why did you ban me and let this guy post this video of me (http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/12645/woman-loses-her-mind-over-not-being-able-to-eat-shark-fins) on the Internet? All I did was express my frustration over not being able to eat shark fin soup!

Sincerely

Ms. Ineed Toeat Shark-Fin
#1 Shark Fin Soup Fan

catcul
01-06-2014, 12:15 AM
Dear Ms. Shark-Fin,

I'm sorry, but we run an American Diner near Phoenix, AZ. We serve typical American fare. Shark fin soup is not typically American. The most exotic soup we serve is cream of potato and cheese soup. We have run this restaurant successfully since my late father, Mel, open it in 1976.

Also, everyone has a cell phone, and every cell phone has a video camera and an internet connection. You make a spectacle of yourself like you did, and the video will be posted to YouTube within 10 minutes. We have no control over that.

You are still not welcome to our restaurant.

Sincerely,

Chris Sharples, Owner, Mel's Diner

-----

Dear Butterfly Wings Daycare Center,

My 4-year-old son said the "F word" yesterday. What pieces of :censored: do you hire at your :censored: daycare? You need to tell your :censored: daycare teachers to watch their :censored: mouths or I will take my son elsewhere. I don't let him watch the bad TV channels or listen to rap, hip hop, or heavy metal or surf the :censored: internet, so he couldn't have gotten from any of those :censored: places.

:censored: you!

Quinn Taran-Tino

Sunsetsky
01-06-2014, 01:17 AM
Dear Quinn Taran-Tino,

Have you invested in a mirror? One may give you an idea on where your son learned his language skills.

Ida English
Butterfly Wings Daycare Center

********************

Dear Happy Tails Pet Shop,

Seven months ago, I bought an 8 week old Mastiff puppy. He was cute at first, but he started to grow...and grow...and grow. The dog now weighs more then I do! I am appalled that you would sell something that would get so big and drools so much. When I tried to return him to your store, I was told that you did not do returns and that I should have done my research on dog breeds! If you do not take this dog back and give me back my money (plus the clothes he ruined by drooling on), then I'm going to go on the internet and complain about you and give you bad reviews!

Ima Marron

XCashier
01-06-2014, 09:37 PM
Dear Ms. Marron,

Yes, you should have done the research on the dog before you bought him! He is a living creature, with needs and feelings same as you and me, not some trinket you display on a shelf. He needs proper training and plenty of attention, which you apparently have not done.

We will not be returning your money, as per the contract you signed when you bought him, the same one we explained to you while you waved us off. However, I have contacted the owner of a good Mastiff rescue program. She will be in touch with you shortly.

Regards,
Bernice Mountaindog, owner
Happy Tails Pet Shop

* * * * *

Dear In Stitches fabric store,

I cannot believe what horrible rude bitches you employ! I went shopping there last week, and went through every aisle, looking for the perfect fabric. Okay, so I threw a few...okay, all...bolts of fabric on the floor; did your employee have to mutter about it? And when I selected the fifty bolts and took them to the cutting counter and told another employee to cut twenty quarter-yard pieces from each one, she had the gall to inform me that she couldn't do that, it'd hold up the line! Who cares about any line, I am the customer, and the customer is always right, as I'm sure you've heard.

Finally, I go to the register, discover I left my coupons at home, and the stupid bitch at the register wouldn't give me any discounts! When I demanded that she give me some, she claimed they didn't have any coupons left, being Saturday night and all. Well, I won't put up with that nonsense, so I slapped her across her selfish face and left, leaving my fabric behind.

I demand that you fire those incompetent, rude idiots and hire new slaves who know how to serve the customers. If I want fifty cuts from a bolt, you damn well better give it to me! If I want your severed head on a silver platter, you damn well better give that to me! I am the customer and the Customer is always right! If you don't do better, I will go on every review site and write nasty reviews regarding you, and tell all my friends not to shop at your store.

Sincerely,
Ann Titlement

cindybubbles
01-09-2014, 08:19 PM
Dear Ms. Titlement:

I won't fire my hard-working employees. They worked very hard to ensure the satisfaction of our customers; however since you weren't satisfied and since you destroyed our store, you are hereby banned forever.

We did have a chance run-in with your friends. They did, however, agree that your behaviour was unacceptable and that they will be dropping you as a friend very soon. They DID say that they will continue to shop at our store and will combat your negative reviews with positive ones. We have already warned our faithful regular customers about you on Reddit, Facebook and Twitter.

However, you will find some new friends. You know, those boys and girls in blue? They will be coming to your house with a pair of shiny new bracelets.

Sincerely,

Megan Stitch
Owner
In Stitches Fabrics

---------------------------

Dear Funeral Director:

How DARE you make my late wife look good for her funeral! Did you know that she bullied me when she was alive? And that she stole my inheritance and spent it all on gambling and affairs with other men? She made me a millionaire; I was a billionaire before her!

How about the time she stole our children and sent them to live with "Uncle Lawrence" of Arabia? It took me years to get them back! Her cancer couldn't have come at a better time, though!

I demand that you muck up her face and hair and dress her in the ugliest clothing for the wake tomorrow. I'm also going to sue Saudi Arabia for dragging their feet when it came to taking my children back, but that's none of your concern.

Sincerely,

Mr. Ihate MyWife

purplecat41877
01-12-2014, 03:33 AM
Dear Mr. MyWife,

If we made the deceased ugly and the media found out, I would not get as many clients. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

G. R. Ave
Funeral Director



Dear Supermarket Manager,

After I paid for my groceries, your rude employee told me to have a nice day. I don't appreciate it when someone tells me what kind of day to have. I demand you tell your employees to stop telling customers to have a nice day. If you don't, I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Grumpy

cindybubbles
01-12-2014, 08:16 PM
Dear Mrs. Grumpy:

I would like to redirect you to this comic:
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2008-02-03/

By reading this strip, hopefully, you will learn that it is much better for my employees to tell you to "Have a nice day" than to tell you to "Go to hell!" because that is EXACTLY how they feel about people like you.

I'm assuming that since you will never shop at my store again, you are hereby banning yourself from the premises? Therefore, I took the liberty of getting a picture of your face from our security cameras and am now warning my employees to call the police if they ever see you again.

Sincerely,

Mr. Brown
Owner
Brown Foods

---------------------------

Dear Doctor:

Why did you just kick me out of your office without a prescription? I NEED those antibiotics, painkillers, sleep medicine and various narcotics!

If you don't give me those drugs, I'm going to find a doctor who can and WILL! He should also be able to give these drugs to my baby, since she OBVIOUSLY needs them, and you, selfish brat that you are, won't even give them to her!

Sincerely,

Ms. Drug-Addicted Mom

catcul
01-13-2014, 05:22 AM
Dear Ms. Mom,

I implore yo to get help with your addiction to prescription medicine. Because you want to give dangerous drugs to your son, I was forced both legally and ethically to report you to both the police and Child Protective Services. Hopefully, you will get the treatment that you need and your son a safe childhood.

Sincerely,

Dr. Henry Stone.

-----

Dear Bullseye Groceries,

Last week, I decided to get away from the cops. I decided to drive down the wrong way on the interstate when one of your gigantic tractor trailer trucks came out of nowhere and smashed my poor car. So what if my blood alcohol level was 0.44%? The cops wouldn't have known that if your incompetent truck driver would have gotten out of my way. Thanks to him, my car is a smashed pile of parts, and I'm recovering in the hospital awaiting trial.

I demand you fire that incompetent truck driver. I also demand that you pay for a new car, my hospital bills, and $1 million because I won't be able to drive to work for another year.

Sincerely,

Rick Les Lusch

Kristev
01-13-2014, 09:23 PM
Dear Mr. Lusch

You drove away from the police, and you crashed into our truck, all the while drunk. It's no wonder that your car was turned to smithereens, and personally, I'm glad of it. Anything that keeps you off the road is a plus in my book.

I will not fire that unfortunate truck driver, and instead of paying you for anything, I intend to counter-sue you on behalf of my poor driver for his own medical bills, and of course, the ruin of my truck.

I beg you to check yourself in a strict rehab, because remember, it's not just you you're putting at risk when you drive drunk, it's everyone else too.

Sincerely,

Aimee ForD'Goal, manager of Bullseye Groceries.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Fit for a Queen clothing store,

I went into your lovely shop today because I was invited to a ball hosted by the ambassador from Transylvania, and his lovely wife. Well, I looked through my closet and found that I had nothing to wear that didn't come from Elizabethan's, where I love to shop. I'd have gone there, but they closed down years ago.

So I had no choice but to spend some of my potion-making money to go buy a new dress. The ambassador's wife suggested your shop, and I gladly took her advice.

The trouble was that everyone there looked at me as if I were the creature from the black lagoon. I never saw such snooty people! Not just your customers, but all your staff, too. Nobody was willing to help me until I met your sweet salesgirl, Cindy Rella. I can't say enough nice things about Cindy.

I tried to ignore them all and kept to myself while I found clothes that, with a few alterations, I would simply adore, you know, a piece of this, a slash of that . . .

Well, when I went to pay, I discovered that I didn't have quite enough money. So I asked Cindy for a discount, and she said she had to call the manager, who just happened to be her stepmother. She brought the manager, who nearly kicked me out of the store just for looking at me. I never met such a wicked person! But I was good and ignored her rudeness.

I simply explained the situation - I merely wanted a piece of this and a piece of that, you know, so I could whip up a knock-out custom dress. Well, the manager insisted I buy all the dresses to do that, and I couldn't, so I bartered and bargained and negotiated, always trying to be fair, but I just couldn't go above my limited means. I even offered to put back a few of the dresses, but no! Your manager insisted that, since I touched them all, I had to buy them all! As if I were some grimy swamp creature!

Finally I lost it, and I got so mad that I put a little spell on your manager, your rude staff, your snooty patrons . . . I turned them all to toads. Basically everyone but myself and Cindy. Cindy was sweet to me, so I spared her. Besides, I could see that she needed a break from her abusive stepmother. I suggested Cindy make frog soup, to which Cindy laughed and thanked me for the suggestion.

Now, I won't make a long list of demands. I simply wish to offer a barter agreement. I'll give you all my money, which is about half the price of the dresses I wanted, and any service you want, in exchange for the dresses. And, of course, I'm always open to a good negotiation.

If you refuse, I'll return to your shop and conjure moths!

Have a nice day, yours truly,

Hag. L. Bargain, witch of the North swamp.

catcul
01-13-2014, 11:27 PM
Dear Mrs. Smith,

It seems that your mother's dementia has gotten worse. I have sent a copy of the letter she has sent us. Apparently, she believes that she's a powerful sorceress that has the ability to turn people into toads.

I hope she enjoys the dresses that she bought. She did have enough money.

Sincerely,

Glenda Enchantra, Owner, The Gothic Dress Shop of Queens

-----

Dear Fantasy Board Games,

Why do you need to make your board games so difficult? I was playing your game with my two brothers. We played three games. My older brother won two games while my younger brother won one. Do you notice how many games I won? I demand that you make a game I can win.

Sincerely,

Loser Toad

purplecat41877
01-16-2014, 09:57 AM
Dear Mr. Toad,

If you want to win, you need to practice. Unfortunately, we can't make a game you can win since we don't know what you can do.

Sincerely,

F. Antasy
Board Creator



Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I came into your store to get some coffee and some breakfast one morning. However, your rude employee refused to let me buy the items for the prices I wanted. She forced me to pay full price for the items. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and to be allowed to pay whatever I want or I will start shoplifting from your store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Cheap

cindybubbles
01-17-2014, 09:00 PM
Dear Mrs. Cheap:

I'm not firing my best employee for you. She wasn't the one who brought armloads of groceries and other merchandise to the counter, let alone coffee and breakfast. She wasn't the one who unloaded all those coupons on to the counter. She also wasn't the one who swept those coupons and other merchandise off the counter when told that those coupons weren't from our company. Finally, she wasn't the one who had to be escorted out by police when vandalizing everything in the store and then throwing a temper tantrum on the floor. It was all you. Not her. YOU.

The police have already been notified about this and about your threat to steal from the store. They know where you live and work and will be heading to you shortly with a FREE pair of shiny bracelets.

Sincerely,

Mr. Reasonable
Owner
Reasonably Convenient Group

--------------------

Dear Manager:

Why did you HAVE to make me pay to rewind my VHS tape? So what if I don't feel like rewinding? And don't you DARE talk about these new-fangled DVDs and Blue Rays! I HATE new technology; they make my head hurt!

I demand that you rewind all of my rental VHS tapes for FREE the next time!

Sincerely,

Ms. Old School

Kit-Ginevra
01-18-2014, 04:10 AM
Dear Miss School,

We have not rented out VHS tapes since 1995.The amount paid was not just to rewind it,but to prise open the box,sort out the ungodly knot which you had managed to get the tape into, straighten out the chewed-up bits and as a small payment towards the fines,which now approximate to the size of the national debt of Zaire,not mentioning the time and effort our staff had to put into this task.
Yours sincerely,
Mr.B.Tamax
The DVD Dungeon(formerly the Video Vault)


The Manager
Pep'n'Perk Sports Stores

Dear Sir,
I thought the behaviour of your staff was quite unfair this morning.The girl on the tills had on a lovely sweater.I was only reaching over to show her how well it fitted around her chest and she went to whack me with a miniature hockey stick.That's not very nice is it-I was only paying her a compliment.If people can't accept other people saying nice things about them,they shouldn't work with customers.
I know she was being deliberately mean to be because when the next lad through did the same thing,she just giggled and laughed.And I know she's not got a boyfriend,so it can't have been him.Your staff should treat all their customers the same. I expect a full tour of the shop next time I am in,with some free things thrown in for the insult.And to make up for being so mean,she can model them for them.Or else I shall show her she's not the only one who can whack with a hockey stick.And mine's a lot bigger.And I whack harder.

Yours sincerely,
Mr F. Ondler.

catcul
01-18-2014, 05:26 AM
Dear Mr. Ondler,

What you tried to do was sexual assault. You have done this in our store before. We warned you that if you did it again, we would ban you from our store. "That lad" that went through after you was her husband. Yes, they admitted to making fun of you, but you deserved that.

If we see you again in our store, we will call police. You better hope the police get a hold of you before Bruno does. He's our hockey expert. He also set the record for the most penalty minutes in one season when he went to college.

Sincerely,

Joe Young, Play Hard Sports

-----

Dear Advertiser,

How dare you sponsor "El Goonish Shive?" That sick and depraved comic features teen-aged boys turn into girls and girls turn into boys. In fact, two of those boys turn into girls quite often. Also, that thing features two lesbians and a homosexual boy. Also, many of them engage in sorcery. That guy is a terrible influence on our impressionable youth. In fact, in the most recent story line, a girl catches a boy change into a girl. Instead of recoiling in horror like a normal girl, this girl acts all giddy and happy. It's obvious this "cartoonist" is really sick. How dare he put d:censored:s and f:censored:s in such a possitive light?

I demand that you pull your advertising from this sick display of depravity. If you don't, we will call for a boycott of your product.

Sincerely,

Million Mom March

(Keep in mind that the Million Mom March is a homophobic organization of 40,000 women.)
El Goonish Shive (http://www.egscomics.com/)
First Strip (http://www.egscomics.com/?date=2002-01-21)
Hiveworks Comics (http://www.thehiveworks.com/)
Warning: Some of the comics on Hiveworks are NSFW.

purplecat41877
01-19-2014, 08:39 AM
Dear Ms. March,

Boycott all you want. We're not pulling our product since we have lots of fans.

Sincerely,
Advertiser



Dear Concert Center,

I was recently at one of your concerts since a friend recommended that I go. However, I was offended that the performers played only music with no singing whatsoever. I demand you put singing in all of the concerts from now on. If you don't, I will run onto the stage wearing nothing and run back and forth across the stage while singing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Vocalsinger

catcul
01-19-2014, 04:12 PM
Dear Mrs. Vocalsinger,

We're sorry you didn't enjoy our concert, "An Evening with Beethoven." We felt that a singer would be unnecessary since there are no known compositions with lyrics. If you jump on stage, we will have no other choice than to have you removed from our campus.

Sincerely,

Hayden Soliere, Dean, Conliard University School of Music

-----

Dear Nautilus Can and Bottle Company,

How could you sell such a dangerous product? I went out to my shed to check how much gasoline was in the gas can. I lit a match, and it blew up in my face. Despite the best effort of the local fire department, my shed burned to the ground. I was sent to the hospital for burns. None of this would have happened if you made a safer product.

I demand that you pay my hospital bill, the cost of replacing my shed, and the bill from the fire department. Just consider yourselves lucky that I didn't keep it in my house.

Sincerely,

Bubba Fugue

cindybubbles
01-19-2014, 10:24 PM
Dear Mr. Fugue:

You could have just used a flashlight. It's much safer, and everyone else does that.

So no, you will not be compensated for your stupidity.

Sincerely,

Mr. Flame
Nautilus Camping Inc.

----------------------------------

Dear Mr. Wonka:

Why did you only release 5 Golden Tickets? And why did they all go to a big fat glutton, a spoiled brat, an arrogant gum chewer, a lazy couch potato and worst of all, a POOR kid? POOR people shouldn't have anything!

I demand that these children forfeit their tickets and give them to my five precious snowflakes, or I will storm into your factory and tear it down brick by brick with my own hands!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Entitled

Kit-Ginevra
01-20-2014, 03:57 AM
Dear Mrs.Entitled
Have you considered WHY I released them to these particular children?
A child who will do anything for food
A child who will do anything for presents
A child who will do anything for gum
A child who will do anything for TV
A child who will do anything for money.
And why did I release 5 tickets-because more than 4 unfortunate accidents and things start looking suspicious...
If your children wish to come to visit,they are very welcome.I shall put them to work in the fruit wallpaper department,licking each other's snozzleberries,or supporting their Oompa-Loompas,depending on gender.

Yours awaiting intently,

WILLY Wonka.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Manager
Golden Clam Restaurant

Dear Sir,We always come to your restaurant as you have the hottest waitresses around.Tonight our table was served by a man.You can imagine my disappointment.I expect a girl to be at my table-and a hot one.If I do not have first dibs on the waitress of my choice-and the choice of desserts to be eaten with her-after,I shall seize your server and make him appear female.I have the dress.I have the razor.
Yours sincerely,
Mr.Per Vertileerer

catcul
01-20-2014, 04:57 AM
Dear Mr. Vertileerer,

We do not discriminate against men. We hire both men and women no matter what they look like. If you try to shave any of our waiters, you better hope Van, our master chef, isn't working at that time. He once used his personal knife collection to slice and dice a mugger. He is a proud owner of very big, very sharp knives. You should consider yourself lucky that Van isn't a very fast runner.

Sincerely,

Steve Li, Golden Clam Restaurant

-----

Dear YouTube,

How could you let the police watch my video? On my video, I bragged about stealing a car and using it to rob a bank. I even showed the key and the money. A couple of days later, the police break down my door and arrest me, muttering something about "Warrant" and my "ex-husband and his mother." I don't know where they got the idea that I liked Warrant. I like Green Day, not Warrant. Now that I have been convicted of bank robbery and car theft, I would be lucky to get out of prison by the time my baby graduates high school. It's all your fault YouTube.

I demand that you give me $1 million so I can pay off my student loan.

Sincerely,

Hannah Sabata

[Cracked (http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-criminals-who-took-dumbassery-to-staggering-heights_p2/), Digital Trends (http://www.digitaltrends.com/web/teenager-shows-off-bank-robbery-money-on-youtube-before-arrest/)]

purplecat41877
01-22-2014, 03:04 AM
Dear Ms. Sabata,

Posting a video admitting to your crime was not very bright for you. Also, you will not be getting a million dollars from anyone.

Sincerely,

YouTube Staff Manager



Dear Mall Manager,

Where does your security get off not letting me call my mom (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8hA2PWLoJU)? All I did was stuff items in my purse and I needed my mom to get me out of this mess. I demand a $2,000 gift card as an apology for not being allowed to call my mom. If you don't do what I want, I will come to your mall wearing a bikini, go to the food court, and dance on one of your tables.

Sincerely,

Ineed Mymom

catcul
01-22-2014, 04:02 AM
Dear Mr. Mymom,

I'm sure the police called your mother when they hauled you off to jail. Our security knows who you are, and a teen aged boy in bikini briefs would tend to stick out. Of course, it would look like you were using your underwear to smuggle a Vienna sausage. You are banned from our mall. If you show up, we will have you arrested again. I'm quite sure that the police will call your mother, again.

Sincerely,

Friday Webb, Head of Mall Security

-----

Dear Stoner's Pot Palace,

I was trying to get to your store early yesterday morning when I encountered a woman coming out of a building with a dog on a leash. At least I hope it was on a leash. I confronted her about letting me buy some marijuana. She said something about an "animal clinic" and "closed." I think your product is a little strong. She also said there was a rumor about marijuana users leaving things unfinished. That's ridiculous. She's funny.

Do you know of a good place to get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

cindybubbles
01-22-2014, 06:35 PM
Dear Mr. No-name:

We are not a marijuana store, nor do we sell anything related to marijuana. That could be against the law.

What we ARE is a veterinary clinic. A clinic for animals, as the woman said. And as for the rumour, well, that's just a rumour.

And no, you can't get a burger at 4am, but you can get a coffee and a doughnut at that time. Be careful, as our doughnut places are VERY popular with the local police.

Sincerely,

Dr. BigSleep
BigSleep Animal Clinic

----------------------------------

Dear City of Toronto:

What's the deal with closing our entire Chinatown Centre food court (http://www.tribemagazine.com/board/tribe-main-forum/71237-city-closes-chinatown-centre-food-court.html)? So what if some of our vendors had a few rats running around here and there? Only a few stalls should have been closed; not the entire food court!

We demand that you rip off that red "Closed" sign and replace it with a green "Pass" sign immediately, or you will face legal action!

Sincerely,

Mr. and Mrs. Never-Wong
Owners
Chinatown Centre

catcul
01-23-2014, 11:24 AM
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Never-Wong,

Our inspector found rats, mice, and cockroaches in every single stall in your food court. All are well known carriers of food-borne diseases. We inspect restaurants because most would engage in dangerous food handling practices. We're trying to prevent food-borne illness like that outbreak of listeriosis outbreak we had here 6 years ago. We will not allow you to reopen your restaurants until you have it all cleaned up.

You want to sue us? You don't have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Ted Cleener

-----

Dear Big Hill Animal Shelter,

Who do you think you are? Do you really think that you can hide? I know you are hiding a purple cat back there. I confronted the workers in the front about your purple cat. They said the only colors you had were white, black, orange and combination of those colors. I know they're lying.

I will find evidence of that purple cat. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

cindybubbles
01-23-2014, 05:28 PM
Dear Mr. Noid:

We have no cats with naturally-occurring purple fur. You must have been talking about the cat that had bruises so prominent that they showed through her normally white fur. Or the cat that was spray-painted purple by heartless teenagers wanting to make their "mark" on the city.

You're welcome to both of them, that is, if you can carve out the time you spend on conspiracy theories to actually care for them.

Sincerely,

Jane Hill
Owner
Big Hill Animal Shelter

--------------------------------

Dear Apple:

Why the heck would someone pay $1000 for a Macintosh? That's VERY expensive! Why would someone pay that much money for just one apple? Last time I heard, apples were only $1/pound!

When I gave my grandson my credit card so he could get me some Macintosh apples, I expected him to go get me a pound of the kind that you eat, not spend $10000 on these heavy silvery metal-like boxes that I can't even chop up! And believe me, I've tried. I've even tried biting into them, but my false teeth broke after one chomp.

I demand my money back, and a new set of dentures!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ignorant

catcul
01-23-2014, 10:14 PM
Dear "Mrs. Ignorant,"

Do you take us for fools? Why would anyone be dumb enough to try to bite into a computer? We saw what happened to your computer. It looks like the New York Yankees were using it for batting practice. A knife couldn't have done that much damage. Also, you claimed that your "grandson" spent $1,000 then you claimed he spent $10,000.

We sent a couple of friends in blue uniforms to have a word with you.

Sincerely,

Anita Vacation, Loss Prevention, Apple Store

-----

Dear Friday & Gannon Travel Agency,

You sent my girlfriend, S. P. Oiledbrat, and me fliers saying that we won a trip to Hawaii. All we had to do was to come to your office to claim our prizes. That's good because it's been :censored: cold lately. We went expecting to be taken to Hawaii. Instead, we both get taken to jail. The agents claimed they were police. My girlfriend was arrested for destruction of property at a craft store. I was arrested for a terroristic act at Playing 'til It Hurts Sports. I demand that you make the police release us and send us to Hawaii.

:censored: you all!

Bob Bastic-Blaster

PS: You can tell Rose and Kaori they both can :censored: my :censored:.

[Craft Store (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1167337&postcount=425), Sports Store (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1167500&postcount=426), Rose and Kaori (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1167523&postcount=427)]

cindybubbles
01-24-2014, 10:01 PM
Dear Mr. Bastic-Blaster:

The travel agency is next door to our police office, and no, we won't release you or your girlfriend, until you have spoken to your lawyers. And definitely not anywhere in Hawaii; they have been warned.

Sincerely,

Officer Pat Thompson
Los Angeles Police Department

------------------------------

Dear Mr. Incredible:

I was going through a rough time with my company and family. I was fired for embezzling money from the First National Bank where I used to work. My wife filed for divorce because she caught me cheating on her with another woman. Finally, she had the gall to obtain custody of my children because I "was too harsh" on them, whipping them with cat-o-nine tails for "frivolous" things like being 1 minute late coming home.

I wasn't "too harsh!" I was lenient! My spoiled brats deserved the whippings that they got! But I digress.

I was at my wits end, about to end it all, when all of a sudden, YOU come out of nowhere, grab me, and crash through the window! As a result of your "saving" me, I got broken bones, bruised ribs and whatnot!

Mr. Incredible, you may have wanted to save me, but I DID NOT WANT to be SAVED! You didn't save my life, you RUINED MY DEATH!

I am taking legal action against you. I also demand that the next time you see me in danger, you LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sincerely,

Mr. I. Wanna-Die

Kristev
01-24-2014, 10:36 PM
Dear Mr. Wanna-Die,

Stealing from the bank you work in so you can buy a death ray, sleeping with your henchwoman when your wife secretly followed you, and whipping your children for refusing to rob a bank are all things that hardly make me sympathetic to you.

I saved your life so you could be sentenced to the only kind of prison you deserve, the Phantom Zone. Your family and other victims deserved the satisfaction of knowing that you were put where you belong. Besides, Satan didn't want you.

You ruined your life, and everyone else's, so now you can stay in the Phantom Zone. Forever.

Signed, Mr. Incredible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Attorney General Klubb,

I demand that you drop all charges against me and spring me from prison at once! All I did was use my digital camera to record Mrs. Rene Spadde's information when she used her husband, Mr. Roy Spadde's credit card to pay for her new black suit.

Well, if she wants to be so open with her husband's credit card and secret information, I don't see why I couldn't use it too. She was practically asking for it! So I go shopping and spend a billion dollars on myself.

A week later, this rude policewoman named Jackie Diamond, and a big, burley male detective named Ace Hart burst down my door, cuff me, and drag me away. She has the nerve to call me an identity thief. How dare she?

Why, if you don't let me out, I'll start shopping with your credit card information and force you into bankruptcy! I took a peek at your information when you weren't looking. Now that I've laid all my cards on the table, except for the ace up my sleeve, I'm betting you'll gladly make a winning deal for both of us. I await your play, and I'm not afraid to up the ante.

Angrily yours,

Mr. Joker Wildcard.

XCashier
01-25-2014, 01:35 AM
Dear Mr. Wildcard,

I'm calling your bluff. We have you dead to rights, not only on the identity theft charge, but we also have you on camera using a blackjack to rob the liquor store of cash and gin, and we have several eyewitnesses that saw you blow up that bridge so many of us used to go fish on.

Your request is denied. You've been dealt a losing hand. Deal with it.

Regards,
Jack Klubb, Attorney General

* * * * *

Dear Comeon Inn,

I had a reservation last weekend, and I expected a pleasant stay at a luxurious hotel. Imagine my disgust when I went to the front desk and some smelly, dirty ragamuffin was checking into a room! How dare you let people like that stay at your hotel! And he wasn't the only one! So many filthy people with stained clothes, making all sorts of noise all day! Granted, they quieted down at night, but still.

I demand that you reimburse my entire stay and give me free lodgings for the rest of the year, or I will tell all of my friends how horrible you are!

Regards,
Ella Gant-Snob

catcul
01-25-2014, 04:12 AM
Dear Ms. Gant-Snob,

Those people in filthy clothing are construction contractors. We had the unfortunate honor of letting the aptly named The Armageddon Nightmare Rock Band stay in our hotel 6 months ago. They did so much damage to our hotel, we are still renovating those destroyed rooms. However, we did have it inspected, so the hotel is safe except for those rooms that band stayed in.

However, you signed a contract that stated you were willing to stay in our hotel despite the construction. Please pardon our dust.

Sincerely,

Paris Diaz, Comeon Inn (formally Starlight Inn)

-----

Dear Redblack Power Tool Company,

I bought a new chainsaw from you. I was reading the instruction book and read something I just couldn't believe. You had a warning that read, "Do not stop chain with hand or genitals."

Is that really a problem? Did someone print those instructions on April Fools' Day? I would not dream of stopping that chain with my hand. I'm not even going to think about putting my penis on it.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Sincerely,

Paul von Yon

cindybubbles
01-25-2014, 06:10 PM
Dear Mr. von Yon:

You will not believe the incredible amount of stupidity our customers have had when they bought and used our chainsaws. Some have even dared each other to stop chainsaws with their hands, or run a chainsaw over their genitals to get an orgasm, but with bloody and disastrous results.

Just be lucky that you aren't one of them! I hope....

Sincerely

Red Black
President
Red Black Power Tools

------------------------------------------

Dear Police Office:

Is it really MY fault for trying to break up those couples kissing in public? It is a DISGRACE and a SIN! No one should EVER kiss, especially in public!

My husband and I are good Christians! We NEVER smoke, we NEVER drink, we NEVER kiss and all of our children are adopted! Why can't others follow our lead?

I demand that you release me from prison so me and my husband can enjoy some good, QUALITY, family fun time with our children on the days leading up to that atrocious event, Valentine's Day!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ihate Kissing-And-Sex

catcul
01-25-2014, 09:14 PM
Dear Mrs. Kissing-And-Sex,

I can't believe there are still Shakers around. I thought you died out a long time ago. Couples are allowed to kiss and display affection as long as they follow the law. However, what you did is considered assault. That is against the law.

Also, if everyone followed your example, people would have healthier lungs and livers. People would also be extinct. I would think people don't think extinction is a good idea.

Since your appealed has been denied, we will not grant your request.

Sincerely,

Saheria Riker, Warden, Peyton Correctional Facility

-----

Dear Stoner's Pot palace,

I'm telling you that your marijuana is too strong. I tried to write you a letter explaining how I had trouble finding your store. I must have been high when I sent that letter. Apparently, it went to the BigSleep Animal Clinic. I think I'll write an apology to them soon. I'm still laughing about that joke the woman with the dog told me. Pot smokers tend to leave things unfinished? I still find that funny.

Apparently, they didn't know the answer to my question. Do you know a place I can get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

Kristev
01-25-2014, 09:53 PM
Dear Kissing-And-Sex,

Breaking up that gay couple's kiss can be considered both harassment and assault, not to mention a hate crime.

With the beating you gave that poor drag queen, if you're a good Christian, I'd hate to see what a bad one looks like. Your own Bible says that, basically, though you speak with the tongue of angels, if you have not love, your words are as good as tinkling cymbals.

We refuse to release you from prison, but rest assured your adopted children are having their placement with you reconsidered.

As for your husband, he's not quite what you think he is. I shouldn't tell you this, but he's been having a love affair for over two years that includes both kissing and fornication with Miss N. O. Telllover.

Enjoy your stay in prison, where you will be completely protected from the wonders of human biology, at least until old Brutella Myway breaks another law - your cell is her personal reserved cell. We simply didn't have anywhere else to put you.

Signed,

Roman Tick-Freedom,

Chief of police in Venus Beach, New Paris.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Delicutessen,

We went into your shop the other day for lunch after a hard morning driving my truck on the highway. So charming, a deli that makes all their food into adorable shapes!

Well, I ordered the bunny-shaped ham and cheese, while my friend had the puppy-shaped bologna on rye, and a dozen cookies. The trouble is, after we were finished, I wanted cookies, but your employee told me that you don't serve cookies. I threw a fit and demanded that he make some, and he refused.

I went back behind the counter and searched for cookie dough, but couldn't find any. Your employee had the nerve to try and stop me, and he put his filthy hands on me! Luckily for me, my friend Wanda had her gun in her purse and pulled it on him to make him leave me alone.

The fool fell on his knees and begged us to leave, so we did. After I overturned all the tables, while she took all the money out of the cash register to compensate us for our trouble.

We demand that you start serving cookies, that you give us free meals forever, a million dollars, and that you tell the cops to stop chasing us. We've done nothing wrong. At least, I didn't.

Signed,

Miss Cookie Do-Do and Miss Wanda Ring-Menace.

catcul
01-25-2014, 10:21 PM
Dear Miss Do-Do and Miss Ring-Menace,

We have never served cookies at our delicatessen. We find that the oven that we bake our bread is not equipped for making cookies. Also, you admitted that you went into the kitchen, which is an "Employees Only" area, so you are guilty of trespassing. Your friend pulled out a gun and emptied the cash register, so you are guilty of armed robbery.

As for your demands, we are not selling cookies. We will not serve you ever again. If you show up, we will call the police. We will give you a grand total of $0 since you already took $66.82 when you emptied our cash register. If you want the police to stop chasing you, give yourselves up. We'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

Red Submarine, Red Submarine Delicatessen

-----

Since nobody answered my ridiculous entry, I'll repost it here.

-----

Dear Stoner's Pot palace,

I'm telling you that your marijuana is too strong. I tried to write you a letter explaining how I had trouble finding your store. I must have been high when I sent that letter. Apparently, it went to the BigSleep Animal Clinic. I think I'll write an apology to them soon. I'm still laughing about that joke the woman with the dog told me. Pot smokers tend to leave things unfinished? I still find that funny.

Apparently, they didn't know the answer to my question. Do you know a place I can get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

cindybubbles
01-26-2014, 01:30 AM
Dear Mr. No-Name:

I must thank the BigSleep Animal Clinic and other hospitals/clinics/pharmacies for forwarding this and the other letter to us.

This township does not recognize marijuana as a legal drug, so what you did was illegal.

Therefore, the only place where you could get a burger at 4am is in the county jail. Though I hope that's ALL that you're getting there.

Sincerely,

Officer Crime Preventer
Maple City Police Department

-----------------------------

Dear St. Mary Hospital:

Why the (censored) would you deny me my (censored) abortion? And don't give me that (censored) about it being against your religion! When I say that I want that brat out of my belly, I WANT THAT BRAT OUT OF MY BELLY NOW!!!!

I demand that you fire those (censored) nuns and priests who told my doctor not to give me my abortion, or ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE!

Mrs. Ihate Children

catcul
01-26-2014, 03:20 AM
Dear Mrs. Children,

Since you seem to be aware of the reason we will deny your abortion, we won't need to repeat it. Just remember that this hospital is owned by the Catholic Church. Even if the Vatican let us, we couldn't do it because the law forbids abortions on 7-month fetuses. If you don't want to keep the baby, we'll give the baby to a couple that has a sterile woman. They indicated that they are looking to adopt.

Please don't yell in our hospital again.

Sincerely,

Father Luke Vitaliti, St. Mary Hospital

-----

Dear St. Mary Hospital,

Why do your nurses feel the need to interrupt my meals? For the past two weeks, I have been recovering in your hospital because my heart was giving me problems. Everyday, those rude nurses keep interrupting my meals. I'm eating breakfast; they interrupt me. I'm eating lunch; they interrupt me. I'm eating dinner; they interrupt me. I asked one of them, and they say that checking my vitals are more important than letting me eat uninterrupted.

Also, when I was first admitted, there was this harpy screeching something about wanting an abortion. I don't care about her problems. I just want to eat a meal without interruption and without hearing some screaming crazy woman.

I demand letting me eating a meal without interruption when you release me tomorrow. If I ever hear that woman in your hospital again, there will be an unfortunate incident involving her and my IV stand.

Sincerely,

Eatta Berger

Kristev
01-27-2014, 12:26 AM
OOC: I'm sorry. I posted my reply to Kissing-And-Sex at the same time you did. I didn't even notice the stoner letter. Again, I'm sorry.

BIC: Dear Madame Berger,

We at St. Mary Hospital simply could not allow you to continue eating the greasy chicken from World Of Fat that your husband kept bringing in for you. Our head physician personally explained to him your new dietary needs, as well as what you can't eat, and ever since then, your husband has been bringing you in foods that the doctor said were on your new forbidden menu. Clearly you have a bigger problem than mere heart disease.

It's lucky for you that our charge nurse is an Irishwoman named Ea Gleeyes. She watches everything in our hospital like a hawk, including sneaky husbands, otherwise you may well have been in serious trouble. And the night shift charge nurse, a Brit named Owlivia Hawk, was just as vigilant. The undernurse was right to tell you that she had to keep track of your vitals.

We apologize for you having to hear that harpy. We were all rather mortified, and we fear she will attempt to do something self-injurious in her haste to get rid of her baby.

Once you're out of the hospital, we won't be able to prevent you from eating as you please, though we will keep your room ready since we expect to see you again soon. By the way, the nurses all pitched in to give you and your husband gift certificates to Garden Goddess, the new salad & low-fat place that opened up. We hope you go there, please, we're begging you.

Sincerely, Sister Mary Sacred.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dancing On Air Nightclub,

My boyfriend and I went to a very exclusive party that was held on New Year's Eve by Miss Soci Alite, whom as you know, is one of the wealthiest and most important women in town. It was by invitation only, you know. How he got a pair of invitations, I'll never know. He's amazing.

I had to do my hair and buy a whole new wardrobe in order to be able to attend, and my boyfriend had to raid . . . I mean, borrow, from a friend's closet to find the right attire to make himself look truly charming and trustworthy. I was the most beautiful woman there!

Well, we went to the ball and I could have danced all night, until I began to feel ill as my boyfriend asked me to. Next thing I know, there's a rumor going around that I'm pregnant, and that I have a cancer that can only be cured by an incredibly expensive operation in Asia. The next thing I know, as I'm acting so sick that I actually start getting sick, my boyfriend tells me I look too pale and that I have to go home now.

Much to my surprise, Miss Alite sends us home in her personal limo. When I get home, my boyfriend reveals to me that we'll have to go to Asia for a week, which is where I asked him to take me for a vacation anyway. When I complain that we can't afford it, he reveals to me money. Lots and lots of money.

But when we get to Asia, it seems that one of the people there was suspicious and hired two people, a private detective and a medical doctor, to follow us everywhere we went until we returned to the States. We're guessing that it had to be them who blabbed, because when we returned to the States, we're slapped with lawsuits for fraud!

We demand that you force those people to drop their lawsuits. If you don't, my boyfriend will pour water on your floor then talk me into walking on it with butter on my shoes! Then we'll sue you for every penny these people are trying to sue us for, plus a million more for our troubles!

Bella D'Ball & Khan Arteest.

catcul
01-27-2014, 04:49 AM
Dear Miss D'Ball,

We have no control over what legal actions our clientele engages in. However, we have a duty to our guest to inform them when we suspect someone engaging in illegal activity. One of our security staff spotted your boyfriend slip a substance from a bottle. He was able to zoom in and read that it was ipecac. That would explain how you got sick. Also, unfortunately, anyone benefiting from fraud will get sued along side the people actively engaging in it.

I would suggest that you dump your fraud of a boyfriend before he gets you thrown in prison. Did I mention that we have security cameras? If your boyfriend dumps water and makes you slip in it, we'll have irrefutable evidence that it was staged.

Sincerely,

Frank Dean, Lighter than Air Nightclub

-----

Dear Selene's Diner,

I came into your restaurant at about 4 am yesterday morning. I was about to order a bacon cheeseburger when I found a chicken pot pie on your menu. When I received it, I noticed it had chicken, peas, potatoes, and carrots. Imagine my disappointment when I realized it had no marijuana. I would be angry, but that thing tasted so good, I ordered 3 more. Your waitress told me that marijuana users tended to leave things unfinished except for their meals. That's funny. She must be related to the dog walking woman at the BigSleep Animal Clinic.

Please call those pies something else so my friends don't get confused.

Sincerely,

(Yes, I'm posting a third letter from our pot head friend. I'm shameless. :devil:)

XCashier
01-27-2014, 02:19 PM
Dear Unnamed Person,

It's called a pot pie because it was cooked in a pot (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pot_pie). The term "pot" referring to a specific cooking vessel predates using "pot" to refer to marijuana by centuries. So no, it's not a misleading term and no, we will not change the name.

Enclosed is a brochure for a good rehab clinic. May I suggest you give them a call? I hear they've got a nice cafeteria there.

Sincerely,
Selene Nocturne, owner,
Selene's Diner

* * * * *

Dear Selene's Diner,

I came by yesterday and ordered fisherman's stew and shepherd's pie. I was very disappointed. Isn't fisherman's stew supposed to be made from fishermen? There was nothing but carp in there! And there was no shepherd at all in the shepherd's pie, it was lamb, for crying out loud! I know the nuances of the flesh of different occupations, and there was nothing like that at all, the meat wasn't even human!

I demand compensation! I want my dinner refunded, and your liver served to me on a plate with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Sincerely,
Hannibal Lecter

catcul
01-27-2014, 11:49 PM
Dear "Hannibal Lecter,"

Is this some sort of sick joke? How could you actually believe that we could legally sell human meat? The law against cannibalism in this country is much older than our country. It's one thing getting a letter from a marijuana user confused by chicken pot pie. Asking about human meat is just sick. Also, Hannibal Lecter is a fictional character.

We're sending a couple of friends in blue uniform to have a nice long conversation with you. Also, we don't serve liver.

Sincerely,

Selene Nocturne, Owner,
Selene's Diner

-----

Dear Bus Company,

My buddies and me saw this good-looking redhead girl get on the bus we was ridin. He decided we wanted to have fun with her so we decided to convince her to ditch her friends. Then this other girlie gets on and starts to sit next to red. Turns out, these bitches was girlfriends. We didn't know nothing about that. We was so mad about finding these two bitches was d:censored:s.

I demand that you make d:censored:s wear purple scarves so we don't waist our time.

Sincerely,

Don Kedik

cindybubbles
01-28-2014, 02:09 AM
Dear Mr. Kedik:

No, I won't. That's discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.

And besides, I actually saw you and your "buddies" making out on my bus earlier. Pretending to be straight? I don't think so!

Sincerely,

Marron Stints
Bus Driver
TTC

------------------------------

Dear TTC:

I lost my $1000 iPhone 5S on one of your streetcars yesterday. When I went to the lost and found, it was not there, so I did what came naturally.

What was natural to me? Screaming and cussing, of course!

I admit that I keep losing those blasted things. I HATE fanny packs! They make me look like a tourist/target for scammers!

I demand that you replace my $1000 iPhone 5S and pay all of my bills, or I will call the police on you and have you charged for theft!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Always Loses Cellphones

catcul
01-28-2014, 09:55 PM
Dear Mrs. Cellphones,

Yesterday, our bus company had to call the police when three men surrounded this young woman. If you're wondering, they got off before the police met the bus. This young woman's partner found your phone and handed it over to the police man. That means your phone is with the police department. You might want to claim your phone before your phone legally becomes abandoned property.

If you sue us, you will not have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Marron Stints
Bus Driver
TTC

-----

Dear Hotel,

The woman who answered your phone last night was incredibly rude. I was trying to call my friend, Mike. For some reason, his phone wasn't working, so I called the hotel. I said, "Can I speak to Michael Hunt." She said there was nobody there by that name. She also said that I wasn't there, either. Of course I wasn't there, I'm trying to call him. Then she rudely hung up on me. I tried again. The second time, she told me that if I called again, she was calling the police. I had to send him a email instead.

I demand that you fire that rude clerk and comp Mike's stay.

Sincerely,

Irving Patrick Freleigh

purplecat41877
01-30-2014, 10:40 AM
Dear Mr. Freleigh,

We won't be firing the clerk or comping your friends stay. However, enclosed is a phone number to the hotel we suggested he go to since we were full.

Sincerely,

Hotel Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

My 16 year old identical twin daughters were recently hired at your store. When they brought home their schedules, I was offended to see that their hours were different. I demand you fix their schedules so my daughters have the same hours and I also demand that you give them the same hours from now on. If you don't, I will sue you since it's illegal to have twins working different hours at the same job.

Sincerely,

M. O. Theroftwins

cindybubbles
01-30-2014, 05:48 PM
Dear Mrs. Theroftwins:

No, it is not illegal to have twins working different hours at the same job.

In fact, the people you really should be speaking to are your daughters. THEY are the ones who asked to work the different hours, since they apparently cannot stand one another, and they warned us that fights would break out of they were both working the same shift.

Sincerely

Mr. Normal
Manager
Wholesome Foods Inc.

--------------------------------------

Yo Captain!

D'ya mind telling me why I got this "dishonorable discharge" thing? It was only a little fling with one of the local girls! It's not like I killed any of our allies, right?

Sincerely,

"Former" Private Parts

catcul
01-30-2014, 09:55 PM
DEAR PRIVATE PUKEBALL,

WHAT YOU DID WASN'T JUST A FLING WITH A LOCAL GIRL. YOU COMMITTED DISGUSTING ACTS WITH 11-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. CALLING YOU A PIECE OF :censored: WOULD BE AN INSULT TO FECAL MATTER EVERYWHERE. EVEN PIECES OF :censored: HAVE USE. YOU HAVE DISGRACED YOUR MILITARY, YOUR ARMY, YOUR COUNTRY, YOUR MAMA, AND YOU HAVE EVEN DISGRACED DISGRACES TO YOUR COUNTRY. YOU MAKE ME :censored: SICK.

Sincerely,

Captain Lee Army

-----
-----

Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Ben Johnson
-----
Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Alex Rodriguez
-----
Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Lance Armstrong

cindybubbles
01-31-2014, 01:33 AM
Dear Mr. Johnson, Mr. Rodriguez and Mr. Armstrong:

The fact that all three of you sent the same letter to me proves that you did, in fact, cheat.

Not only will I NOT change the grade, but you are all suspended until further notice.

Finally, it's funny that the fourth cheater never showed up. But as soon as I find out where he's been hiding, he will be suspended, too!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ihate Cheaters
Principal
Toronto School of Integrity

--------------------------

Hey, Warden!

Why did you put me on that stupid loaf (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutraloaf)? I wasn't bad, just a little mischievous!

I demand that you let me eat regular food again, THIS INSTANT! Otherwise, I will keep those loaves to myself until they are hard as rock, and hurl them at you as hard as I can!

Sincerely,

Mugsy

catcul
01-31-2014, 04:36 AM
Dear Mugsy,

I thought you liked meatloaf. I don't know why you are complaining. The cooks made it with barbecue sauce instead of ketchup. Please don't hoard the meatloaf. It will be more fragile and stink to high heaven.

Sincerely,

Warden Slague

-----

Dear Bullseye Retail,

I came into your store because I heard you had some good pot. I came up to this Japanese woman named Kaori. I think she said that her name was Kaori. I ask where you kept the pot. She took me to the cookware. That wasn't the pot I had in mind. Then I asked her where you kept the marijuana. She said that you didn't sell marijuana. I would have been mad, but I realized that I really needed that kind of pot, too. I've been really hungry lately, and I needed something to cook my food. Also, I couldn't stay mad at Kaori. She's pretty, funny, and charming. She told me that marijuana users don't finish anything except their meals. It was kind of a buzzkill when she told me she had a girlfriend. Oh, well. The Japanese flower has her Rose; I have my Mary Jane.

Speaking of which, Stoner's Pot Palace's product is too strong. Do you know anywhere else that sells marijuana?

Sincerely,

dalesys
01-31-2014, 01:29 PM
catcul, Heeere's your sign (http://youtu.be/bQUEWcNy2HU)!

catcul
02-01-2014, 12:16 AM
catcul, Heeere's your sign (http://youtu.be/bQUEWcNy2HU)!

Sure! Post four letters from the unnamed pot head and suddenly I have a reputation.

Speaking of the unnamed stoner.

-----

Dear Bullseye Retail,

I came into your store because I heard you had some good pot. I came up to this Japanese woman named Kaori. I think she said that her name was Kaori. I ask where you kept the pot. She took me to the cookware. That wasn't the pot I had in mind. Then I asked her where you kept the marijuana. She said that you didn't sell marijuana. I would have been mad, but I realized that I really needed that kind of pot, too. I've been really hungry lately, and I needed something to cook my food. Also, I couldn't stay mad at Kaori. She's pretty, funny, and charming. She told me that marijuana users don't finish anything except their meals. It was kind of a buzzkill when she told me she had a girlfriend. Oh, well. The Japanese flower has her Rose; I have my Mary Jane.

Speaking of which, Stoner's Pot Palace's product is too strong. Do you know anywhere else that sells marijuana?

Sincerely,

BroSCFischer
02-01-2014, 01:36 PM
Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to compliment our staff member. I am truly glad that she was able to assist you, even if it was not what you initially came to purchase. We appreciate your business.

T. Arget
Manager, Bullseye Retail

PS: We do not know where you can purchase Narcotics.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Glendale Park Theater:

I recently went to view a play that you were producing. I found it to be utterly vulgar and inappropriate. Not only did it feature gratuitous violence, including rape, and cannibalism, but it featured an "interracial relationship". And to top it all it wasn't even in proper American.

This is utterly disgraceful, and the author ought to be black listed for such filth. I demand that you compensate me for putting me through this trauma or I'll sue you, the city of Glendale AND the writer of this abomination you called Typhus Andronginus (or something like that).

COMPENSATE ME!

B. I. Got

XCashier
02-01-2014, 08:28 PM
Dear Mr. Got,

We're sorry you didn't like our recent performance of Titus Andronicus. I admit, it is not one of William Shakespeare's more popular plays. I'd let you take it up with the author, but he's been dead nearly 400 years.

However, your dislike of his play does not excuse your actions that evening. Running up on stage and getting in a fistfight with the actors was not warranted, nor was your screaming obscenities and racial epithets. You're lucky you left right before the police got here, or you'd be writing your letter from inside a jail cell.

Your request for compensation is denied, and you have been blacklisted from all of our future performances. May I suggest you go to the John Birch Picture Shows across town instead? I hear they're having a revival of Birth of a Nation. I'm sure you'd enjoy that.

Regards,
Xeno Phile, manager,
Glendale Park Theater

* * * * *

Dear Pizza Palace,

I had a pizza party for 20 of my friends last week. We ordered ten pizzas from you, ate everything, had a great time. But it took all my money so I couldn't pay my rent, which was due yesterday.

When I tried to get my money back from you yesterday, you told me you couldn't give me my money back after all that time! That is ridiculous! I demand that you give me double my money back and free pizza for life! If I get evicted, I will sue you!

Sincerely,
Kent Plan-Ahead

BroSCFischer
02-01-2014, 08:52 PM
Dear Mr. Plan-Ahead

Enclosed you'll find a brochure for the upcoming community college lecture series "Personal Responsibility and You: How to Improve Your Decision Making for a Better Life" by Dr. T. H. Ink Ph.D. Th.D. DDS. The 27 part series (over 2 weeks) is sure to show you exactly what is wrong with your request. Best of all admission is free, so you don't have to worry about blowing your rent on a ticket.

Sincerely,

Lincoln King
Proprietor, Pizza Palace

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Dear Sir or Madam:

I find myself in the unusual position of having to file a complaint to a corporate office due to lack of reasonable action by your store's management.

In brief, I was in the process of making a purchase when I was grievously assaulted by a youth who was throwing canned goods. When I asked the store employee to stop the child from doing such things, they replied, quite rudely, with "Do it yourself!"

When I politely requested that they call the manager, the manager was also rude, and told me that I brought it on myself.

Unfortunately, due to the gross incompetence and irresponsibility shown by your staff, I will be forced to file a lawsuit against the store for medical and punitive damages, unless you reimburse me for the purchases I made that day (including the 55" 3D Flat screen and the Playstation 4 and X-Box One that I purchased for my 10 year olds enjoyment) which totals approximately $2,500 and my medical expenses which ran approximately $500.00.

I hope I won't have to file that lawsuit.

Una Fit-Mom

catcul
02-02-2014, 12:57 AM
Dear Ms. Fit-Mom,

You did bring this upon yourself. We saw that you come in with that child. We saw you whisper in her ear before she threw those cans at you. We have you on security cameras doing just that. We have confirmed with eye witnesses that she was your daughter.

We will press charges for fraud. We'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

Xavier Zachary, Store Manager, Bulleye Groceries

-----

Dear Crushing Blows Wresting,

Why do you have so many scary looking men? There was one guy that looked like he was over 7 feet tall and over 500 pounds. He looked like he was ready to crush my skull with his gigantic hands. Another guy had this ugly mask on his face. I couldn't see his face. What is he trying to hide? Another guy slammed a folding metal chair over another guy's head?

What kind of thugs do you hire? I demand that you start hiring normal looking people.

Sincerely,

Adam Coward

cindybubbles
02-02-2014, 01:36 AM
Dear Mr. Coward:

How old are you again? 5? 10?

Because that's pretty much the only reason why you would be scared of our wrestlers. If we hired normal looking people, we wouldn't get enough people to watch, because our people like scary wrestlers pounding each other to the ground.

Your request is, therefore, denied.

Sincerely,

Ms. Hot Babe
Manager
Crushing Blows Wrestling

---------------------

Dear General:

My boyfriend STILL does not understand this "dishonorable discharge" thingie that he received from one of your captains. When he complained, he got this response (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1197703&postcount=602) instead!

I think it was VERY RUDE of the captain to call him "Private Pukeball!" And what's with him being with 11-year-old hos anyway? I'm the greatest good he's EVER gonna get!

I demand that you put him back in the army, and also hire me, so I can give those boyfriend-stealers the spanking of their lives!

Sincerely,

Hot Babe

catcul
02-02-2014, 02:04 AM
Dear Ms. Babe,

I guess your boyfriend, Private Parts, didn't tell you the entire story. He got two 11 year old girls pregnant. DNA testing proved that he was the father to both babies. Also, the mother of the third girl tried to catch her husband cheating on her. While she never caught her husband, she did catch Private Parts have sex with her 10 year old daughter.

Admittedly, Captain Army tends to fly of the handle, but he is absolutely correct. Your request to restore Private Parts to the Army is denied. Since you admitted that you would assault 11-year-olds, your request for us to hire you is also denied. I highly suggest you find a decent boyfriend.

Sincerely,

General M. A. Lays

-----

Dear Bill Tree Supermarket,

When I was at the Self Checkout, I overheard the machine behind me ask if the customer was using his own bags. What he said next was absolutely shocking. He said, "No, I'm using the souls of dead children." When I complained to the manager, he said it was a tasteless, but harmless joke.

That told me that your store is run by Satan worshipers. I will find irrefutable proof of your Satan worship. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

Tyg3rW01f
02-02-2014, 07:57 PM
Mr. Pare A. Noid,
We at Bill Tree Supermarket are a non-discriminatory bunch. We have persons from all walks of life. In fact our manager is an attending member of the Sword of Joshua Independent Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly.
We have written Reverend Billy Ray Collins and requested his help with your issue. He recommended -strongly- you be signed into the care of the Sir Bedivere Mental Institution on State Road 666.

Bill Tree Supermarkets
William. R. Collins, Jr., Lead Manager

============
Dear American Foosball League,
Why did you let the Broncos beat my beloved Terryville Towels 140 to 0?! My team was poised to go to the Superbowl! We have a perfect record! 0-25!
I DEMAND you kick the Broncos out and let the Towels play the Seahawks, or I'll bomb the Wisconsin MidWife Stadium with the help of some family from Hamas!

Signed,
Ahmed D. Eadterrorist, Jr.

catcul
02-03-2014, 03:22 AM
Dear Mr. Eadterrorist,

It's obviously that you are lying. There is not such team called the Terryville Towels. It's impossible to go 0-25 in a season since we only play 16 every year. Your request is denied and we have turned this letter over to the FBI.

Sincerely,

Russell Wilson, Commissioner, American Foosball League

-----

Dear Big Hill Animal Shelter,

I was watching a web cam trained on your kittens. Every time I get on, those kittens are asleep. I check before work; they're asleep. I check after work; they're asleep.

I know what you're up to. You're drugging those poor kittens so they will be easier to handle. Normal kittens run around, pounce, fight, and jump for no reason. I will have irrefutable proof that you're drugging these kittens. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

purplecat41877
02-03-2014, 12:00 PM
Dear Mr. Noid,

Kittens sleep a lot and their actions are based on instinct. We don't drug our animals.

Sincerely,

Head Vet



Dear Local Court,

Where do you get off granting my parents' divorce? They took vows when they got married so by law they are required to stay together. I demand you reverse the divorce grant. If you don't, I will cut school for a week.

Sincerely,

B. R. Okendaughter

catcul
02-03-2014, 02:09 PM
Dear Miss Okendaughter,

I'm sorry that your parents' divorce has such an effect on you. Unfortunately, your father caught your mother in bed with another man and recorded it. From what I've seen from the video, your parents may have had prior issues. Unfortunately, I cannot and will not reverse my decision. However, I will recommend counseling for you so you can adjust to your parents' divorce. Please don't skip school.

Sincerely,

Judge Robert Banks

-----

Dear Twin Elms Animal Shelter,

My girlfriend has two Singapuras. Six months ago, I decided that I wanted a cat of my own, so I adopted a kitten from your shelter. Now, this cat is a gigantic fluff ball. When I asked your staff about it, they said that they think my cat is a Maine Coon. That kitty intimidates my girlfriend and visitors to my house. He is a friendly cat, but would it have killed you to warn me about how big this cat would have been?

I want you to tell me how I can prevent my cat from accidentally killing my girlfriend's cat. I also want to know how I can introduce my cat to my friends without intimidating them.

Sincerely,

Felix Lybica

Kristev
02-03-2014, 10:38 PM
Dear Mr. Lybica,

We did inform you that this was a Maine Coon, as well as what that meant. I pulled the records and you were given a copy of the breed data sheet. I have seen this tragic story I can't tell you how many times. People love a little cute kitten, but when the kitten becomes a cat, they don't love it anymore. It just breaks my heart how treacherous humans are.

As for protecting your girlfriend's cat, I suggest letting the cats rule separate areas of your home, protected by dividers, gradually moving the dividers together. Move their food and water dishes closer, as well. Over time, your cats will come to know and accept each other to the point where the dividers can be removed. You can also trim and groom your kitty so it will look beautiful instead of monstrous.

Please, put the best interest of the cat first. It deserves it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ia Dorecats, director of Twin Elms Animal Shelter.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Piranha pet food company,

I had spent all of my money on my girlfriend, taking her out for an expensive dinner, buying her diamond rings and furs, and whatnot, when my useless ex-wife, Ms. Izmelda Koffy Enleftim dumped our three on me. She said something about it being my week for custody. She wasn't happy about giving them to me, and neither was I about getting them, but the judge said I get the kids one week a month.

I couldn't afford to buy them anything to eat, and since my girlfriend said she caught my youngest son acting like a dog, and couldn't get him to stop, I bought a great big bag of dog food and gave that to my boys. At first they wouldn't eat it, but after two days, they broke and ate it up like good puppies.

Well, imagine my surprise when all three of my children get sick the next day. I was sure they were faking, so I made them clean up my house, and told them they couldn't have any food until the house was spic and span. But when my back is turned, one of the boys steals my cell phone, goes outside, and calls my ex-wife.

She shows up at my door an hour later, and she is furious! Not only does she take the kids away from me, but she slaps me in the face and tells me she's going to the judge, but first she's going to the hospital with the boys.

Now Izmedla is suing me for their medical bills, as well as seeking sole-custody with no custody allowed. That's not fair! I love my boys. So since it was your dog food that made my boys so sick, I demand that you pay all the legal and medical fees for me, as well as give me ten million dollars so I can convince the judge that I should gain full custody of my sons, give me free dog food for life, and that you do something terrible against my vindictive ex-wife! That'll teach her!

Signed,

Mr. N. O. Goodlouse.

catcul
02-04-2014, 12:15 AM
Dear Mr. Goodlouse,

I don't know why you thought it was acceptable to give your sons dog food. It was formulated for a dog's nutritional needs. If a person eats dog food, they can get sick. I told you that your youngest son son was acting like a dog because I was concerned about his behavior. From what you told me, I was absolutely justified in being concerned about your boys. You also admitted that you were being financially irresponsible, too.

As for your demands, you will get no money for your medical bills or your legal bills. You will get $0 extra money. As for our relationship, it's over. I'm going to help your ex-wife get full custody since you don't love your children.

Your now ex-girlfriend,

Stacy Canis, CFO, Piranha Pet Food Company

-----

Dear Selene's Diner,

My buddies and me decided to streak in your restaurant. We wasn't harmin nobody. After we was finished streakin, we found that our car was missin. We had to run away to hide from the cops. Did I mention it was only 20F? When the cops found us, they took us to the hospital muttering "hypothermia." We would have gotten away if you didn't let car thiefs hang around in your parking lot.

I demand that you pay for our stolen car and our medical bills.

Sincerely,

Mon Kedik

purplecat41877
02-06-2014, 07:27 PM
Dear Mr. Kedik,

There has been a car thief on the loose and what you and your friends did was considered indecent exposure. Therefore, you won't be getting anything except charged with indecent exposure.

Sincerely,

Selene Meals
Owner



Dear Power Company Manager,

Where do you get off telling me that I have to wait for my power to be restored? I am a very important customer so by law you are required to restore my power the second it goes out. I demand free service for 4 months to make up for this and half off my bill for the rest of the year. If you don't do what I want, I will hack into your system and restore my power myself and then locate your house and shut off your power to see how you like being without power.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Powerful

catcul
02-07-2014, 12:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Powerful,

We apologize for not restoring your power more quickly. A teenager snuck into the sub station and came to a rather unfortunate end. When our workers found the body, they called police. The workers could not work on the problem until the police and coroner removed the body and any evidence from our sub station. As I'm typing this, the police have wrapped up at the scene, so our workers can begin to restore power. It should take an hour since the sub station is across the street from our main storage facility.

As for you demand, we expect full payment every month. You agreement stated that you accepted interruption of service due to situations beyond our control. As for turning off our power, don't bother. My house was affected, too.

Sincerely,

Duke Power

-----

Dear CVS Pharmacy,

Why have you stopped selling tobacco? Every time I pick up playing cards from your store, I smelled the tobacco. That smell always gave me a wonderful feeling every time I bought a deck of playing cards. Now, I won't have that feeling anymore. That really makes me depressed.

I demand that you bring back the tobacco, or at least leave a bag near the playing cards so I can have that feeling again. Also, I need a refill on my Wellbutrin.

Sincerely,

Melony Pitch-Black

purplecat41877
02-11-2014, 06:32 AM
Dear Ms. Pitch-Black,

We have been ordered by corporate to stop selling tobacco due to complaints so you'll need to go to a tobacco store if you want to sell tobacco. However, we'll take care of your refill.

Sincerely,

M. Ed Icine
Pharmacist



Dear Liquor Store Manager,

My 12 year old son got into my liquor cabinet and ended up drinking a full bottle of red wine. He had to be rushed to the hospital and he died when he got there. It's your fault that my son is dead since no one told me that I had to lock my liquor cabinet and that drinking a full bottle of wine is dangerous. I demand free wine for life and for you to pay for my son's funeral or I will come to your store and smash all of your wines.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Irresponsible

catcul
02-13-2014, 11:24 AM
Dear Mrs. Irresponsible,

All of our bottles of alcohol have warnings on the side. You broke the law by letting your son have a bottle of alcohol. You could not say that you were not warned. Your request is denied. If you come to our store and smash our wines, you will be arrested and be forced to pay for the damage.

Sincerely,

Jack Daniel, ABC Store

-----

Dear Clerk of Courts,

My son recently got married. How dare you let him change his last name? I don't understand why he would let his new wife make him change his last name. I demand that you make him change his last name and divorce that harpy. The last name of Johnson is really dry and flavorless. If you don't, I will sue the state for everything it's worth.

Sincerely,

Edward Roach

Kristev
02-15-2014, 11:48 PM
Dear Mr. Roach,

If your son is eighteen years of age, or older, who he marries and what name he wishes to go by is none of your business. Though personally, I can certainly understand why he'd rather go by Mr. Johnson than Mr. Roach.

And if you think we're going to tell G-Girl that she has to divorce your son just because you disapprove . . . so sorry, but we'd rather not have her break our everything. But she'll probably be quite inclined to step on you.

OOC: Jenny Johnson, aka G-Girl, was the rather crazy superhero in "My Super Ex-Girlfriend."

Yours truly,

Terri Fied, clerk of courts.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Misty Ghurru's Center for meditation and spiritual development,

I went to your business due to a flyer that was distrubuted all over the place, including on our car. Your pamphet described a place that was peaceful and calm, where one could learn greater emotional control and how to relax the mind. So, we decided to go.

However, when I get there, I find that the place is full of sheeple who just do what you say and never challenge you. For one thing, your instructors practice evil, satanic things such as yoga and transcendental meditation! Do you know how spiritually wrong such things are?

Your instructor had the nerve to first tell me to calm down because I was interfering in everyone else's attempts to find peace, and then when I wouldn't and tried to warn them all about the evil they were contributing to, he then told me I should give it a try and attempted to teach me how to do what everyone else was doing. But I know what he was really trying! I read "Like lambs to the slaughter" by Johanna Michaelson. He was really trying to put us all under mind control!

I demand that you replace your evil instructors with good Christian ministers who'll teach people the correct way to relieve tensions. And go back to China! Peddle your occultic filth there, in a communist country that has no churches!

If you don't, I have a whole church full of good, strong Christian men who are more than willing to first bring down the heavenly fire against your evil den of iniquity, and then physically capture both you and your teachers, take you back to our church, and stone you! Then send you back to China in a box, complete with Bibles.

Signed,

Rev. Dix Ruptor.

catcul
02-19-2014, 12:10 AM
Dear Rev. Ruptor,

If anyone needs relaxation, it's you. Yoga may have its roots in Hinduism, but people of many faiths engage in it. In fact, my husband is a pastor of a nearby church. In fact, his church has said that as long as I don't try to teach Hinduism, everything will be OK.

Do you know what is NOT OK? Threatening other people. We have forward this letter to the police. It looks like you may need to answer for your sins.

Sincerely,

Misty James, Misty Ghurru's Center for Meditation and Spiritual Development

-----

Dear Gold Star Security,

I decided to break into a local bank and steal the computers. I decided to take off the security cameras so nobody would recognize me. How was I supposed to know that the recording device wasn't in the camera itself? When I was arrested, I found out that you were recording me 500 miles away. That is a dirty trick.

I demand that you make that stupid district attorney drop charges against me. I also demand $1 million for the inconvenience of me going in jail.

Sincerely,

Rob Banks

purplecat41877
02-22-2014, 08:48 AM
Dear Mr. Banks,

What you did was a crime. Therefore, the charges will stick and you'll be receiving nothing except prison time.

Sincerely,

G. Uard
Gold Star Security Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was being checked out by one of your employees. Before she finished my order, she suddenly started gasping for breath and coughing. Her supervisor had the nerve to excuse her and take over when he should've made her finish my order. I want the supervisor and employee fired for being rude to me and a $400 gift card to make up for the inconvenience, or I will grab a soda from the fridge, drink it, and not pay for it.

Sincerely,

Ann Titled

catcul
02-25-2014, 04:44 AM
Dear Ms. Titled,

That employee has a condition known as Asthma. It can strike her at any time. Since the supervisor finished your transaction, he was just doing his job. I will not fire either person or give you a gift card. If you grab a soda without paying for it, we will have you arrested.

Sincerely,

Elmer Gallimore, Gallon Foods

-----

Dear Twin Oaks Hotel,

I stayed at your hotel and saw a distressing site. You had all of these people wandering around your lobby dressed in funny clothes. I saw one guy dressed like a bat. I saw a girl dressed in what looks like a slutty sailor uniform. When I complained to the girl at the counter, she said that they were harmless and cosplayers. Is that some sort of cult? As I was complaining, this guy, I think he was a guy, walks up wearing a green dress and carrying a sword and shield. He said that they were just having fun and that his shield and sword were just cardboard. Yeah, right. First, he's carrying weapons, and then he's going to break into your house and smash the pottery looking for money.

I demand that you refund my money and give me $5,000 in free nights.

Sincerely,

Zelda Fitz

Sunsetsky
03-04-2014, 06:07 AM
Dear Ms. Fitz,

We are having a hard time believing your story because everyone knows that Link doesn't speak. We will be suing you for attempted extortion and libel. You'll be hearing from our lawyers soon.

Sincerely,
Saria Kokiri

************************************************** *********

Dear Sushi Palace,

I am truly disgusted with how your restaurant is. I had been highly recommended to give you guys a try because you were supposed to be delicious. I ordered one of your sushi platter samplers and was appalled to find that the fish was RAW. I tried to send it back to be cooked (as it should have been!) and I was informed that sushi was supposed to be raw. I managed to choke down your food and ended up getting sick once I got home because it wasn't cooked. Thank goodness that I am feeling better, but I obviously had food poisoning because of you. I demand that you send me $100,00 for my pain and suffering!

Don Likfisch

catcul
03-04-2014, 01:34 PM
Dear Mr. Likfisch,

Sushi is supposed to be eaten raw. We make sure that our fish is deep frozen before we thaw and serve it. Deep freezing is just as effective in killing parasites as cooking. We believe why you might have gotten sick is because of the wasabi. Wasabi can cause nausea to people who are not use to it. Since it was the first time you ate sushi, that might be the case.

We are sending you coupons so you can try our chicken teriyaki. We fully cook our chicken.

Sincerely,

Tanaka Ami, Tanaka Japanese Restaurant

-----

Dear Wilson Fiberglass,

I decided to buy some of your product. I cut some out and laid it out on my bed. My girlfriend decided that the pink color of your fiberglass was pretty. She was starting to get turned on, so we decided to get busy. We were rolling around on your product over and over again. After we finished, we both started itching. We found red bumps all over our bodies that really itched. The itching was so bad, we had to go to the hospital. After we were treated, the doctors informed us that your product was to blame for our itching.

I demand that you give me a refund of your defective product. I also demand that you pay our medical bills.

Sincerely,

Ichi Poochie

NecessaryCatharsis
03-05-2014, 02:37 AM
Dear Mr. Poochie

I disagree with the doctors diagnosis, our product is not responsible for your itching, your inability to follow instructions combined with your complete lack of common sense is responsible for your itching. Insulation is meant to be put in the wall and ceiling cavities in your house and the packaging clearly states that long sleeves, long pants, masks, and gloves should be worn while using our product. Any demands for payment of your medical bills should be made to the people responsible for your shortcomings, ie. your parents. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Mr. Wilson


Dear Staples,

I recently went to your store to purchase ink, and was troubled and confused by the huge number of choices, I couldn't figure out which type of ink to buy which made me feel stupid. I asked an employee for help and he kept telling me that he couldn't help me without knowing what type of printer I had and that 'grey' was not a type, which was very rude of him. There were so many choices it took me 2 hours to choose the right type of ink. After I made my selection I went to pay and there were 4 customers in front of me in line to pay. The cashier called for someone else to go work at cash but no one had come by the time I got to the front of the line. I had to wait in line for 5 hours!

I have never been treated so poorly, been made to feel so stupid, had employees be so rude to me or waste my time so badly as at Staples yesterday. I demand a refund for all the ink I have ever purchased since 1972 to compensate for this horrible experience. Also the ink I bought didn't fit my printer, send someone to my house with the correct ink immediately! My printer is grey.

Thank you,
Dre McQueen

BroSCFischer
03-08-2014, 04:38 PM
Dear Mr. McQueen:

Unfortunately, due to the number of manufacturers of printers combined with the multiple products provided by them, it is necessary, not only to stock a wide variety of printer inks, but to possess some knowledge of the device for which you intend to purchase said ink. Since you don't provide us with the necessary information to even, by chance, select the correct ink product, we will not be able to have it set aside for when you return to our store to return your mistake.

I should also point out that you were in the store itself for 5 hours (per our security camera footage) and were only in line for about 15 minutes of that. The amount of time you spent on premises is, as I have already stated, completely your fault.

We hope to see you soon, as our return policy is limited to 2 weeks from the date of purchase for opened merchandise.

Sincerely,

Cy 'Inkman' Black

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whom it may concern:

I have never been so insulted in my life. I was gratified to receive an acceptance letter for my job inquiry from your establishment. However, the later stated it was conditional on my filling out and sending in forms. Not only do you want to take my fingerprints, and have my personal health checked, but you seem to think I'm a child molester!

I demand $500,000.00 in compensation for this defamation of my character, or I will sue for 10 times that amount!

Sincerely,

John Priest

purplecat41877
03-11-2014, 08:26 AM
Dear Mr. Priest,

We need to make sure that you are fit for the job. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

Reverend Healthy



Dear Beer Company Owner,

I recently bought a six pack of root beer and a six pack of birch beer. However, I was offended that there was no alcohol in either of them. I demand you stop calling these imposters beer since they're obviously not. If you don't, I will make a video announcing that you sell fake beer and post the video on YouTube.

Sincerely,

Mr. Alcohol

XCashier
03-13-2014, 12:07 AM
Dear Mr. Al Cohol,

We already do advertise that we sell non-alcoholic beverages! Haven't you seen our ads for Back To Your Root Beer, All Bark No Bite Birch Beer or Sass P. Rilla? We show families with children drinking those beverages in the ads, and we wouldn't be allowed to do that if the drinks were alcoholic.

By all means, make your video and post it on YouTube! We'll get free advertising and a good laugh at the same time.

Regards,
Thurston Forgood-Drinks, owner,
Naturally Good Beverage Company

* * *

Dear Corporate,

I went shopping at the local branch of your big retail store. I couldn't find anyone to help me! Every employee I saw was already helping somebody else! This just won't do! When I go shopping, I expect your wage slaves to immediately help me, and only me!

I demand that you retrain all of your workers, upon pain of torture if need be, to immediately ignore all other duties, even other guests, and help me! I am THE customer, and the customer is always right!

Sincerely,
Sue Periority-Complex

Kristev
03-14-2014, 11:01 PM
Dear Mrs. Periority-Complex,

What you saw at our store were managers. They were angry at having to leave their meeting, where they talked about (and enjoyed) donuts and coffee just to help a rush of shoppers. They wrote up the hourly employees, both of them. You're completely right! How dare our two peons, both of whom were cashiering, be stuck on registers with lines so long they filled up our store, when they should have dropped everything just to help you! We also expect our wage slaves to immediately help you, and only you, just as they would from every other shopper!

We agree to meet your demands immediately, and will refocus them both on customer service. They will work under a week's docked pay! Our managers should never have to leave the offices and be diverted from their important duties just to have our two worthless employees prove too inept to do their jobs! This just clinches it. We will rectify this at once, and here's a thousand-dollar gift card to compensate for your inconvenience. We've been thinking about reducing our staff down to one and hiring four more managers anyway.

Sincerely,
Eco Nomist,
28th level manager in the corporate chain at Wondermart.

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Dear Ricochet Boing Bounce tire company,

I saw in your advertisement that your tires for the pre-winter special. To get all four winter tires on your vehicle plus a spare would be fifty percent off for one week only if they were bought in the last week of fall. So I bought them.

Your tires deflect nails, broken glass, and other sharp hazards, as your advertisement, and your mechanic, promised. I should know, since I deliberately drove over them all just to test it. The trouble was, they worked and I'm angry about it!

Why am I angry about it? Because while I was deliberately driving over a large pile of broken glass, the glass deflected off of my tires and into a little boy! He looked like a voodoo doll. What on earth was he doing so close to the street anyway?

Now his mother is suing me for deliberately endangering her boy, and for his medical bills and pain and suffering. And so I am deflecting the bill and the lawsuit on to your company for making such a terrible product! How dare your products work so well?

In addition to making her lawsuit your problem, I want a million dollars, free tires, and a new car 'cause your tires caused my car's paint to be scratched up! If you refuse, I will get a nail gun and shoot every employee in your store with it, and if that doesn't work, I'll sick the Armageddon Nightmare Band on you! I happen to be the sister to the hairdresser to the housekeeper of their manager!

Signed,

Carole Lee Fourmizelf.

catcul
03-15-2014, 07:23 PM
Dear Ms. Fourmizelf,

Thank you for purchasing our Super Power Tires. We're happy to know that broken glass did not puncture our tires. However, you admitted that you deliberately drove into a pile of broken glass. The boy would have been injured no matter what tires were on your car. We're sending the plaintiff's lawyer a copy of this letter. The plaintiff's lawyer knows that we were not responsible for the little boy's injuries.

Good luck in court.

Sincerely,

Chris Badyear

PS: I don't think the Armageddon Nightmare Band will be able to help, either. They're facing a lawsuit from the Starlite Hotel.

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Dear Clearwater Creek Community Health Department,

I was in one of your safe sex classes when the instructor said something about safe cunnilingus and using Dental Dam. I really wanted to try this with my girl, but I had no idea where Dental Dam was. We decided to do that on the Stone Creek Dam instead. As I was going down on my girlfriend, Officer Johnson comes up and tells us to get off before he hauls us both in for disturbing the peace. Since we didn't want to go to jail, we did what Johnson told us to do.

I believe you need to retrain your instructor.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

purplecat41877
03-17-2014, 04:46 AM
Dear Mr. Rection,

Dental Dam is supposed to be used for oral sex and you need to start paying attention in class. Also, the instructor is one of our best teachers so he doesn't need to be retrained.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Family
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to the checkout with a cart of groceries and was offended that I couldn't get served as soon as I got there. I saw an employee step away from her register so I went over there, saw that it was unlocked, and rang my groceries up on her register. I paid with a debit card, requested $5 back, and when the drawer opened I took out the $5 and all of the bills over $10 and put them in my wallet. I want the employee who stepped away from her register fired for stealing and I demand immediate service when I come to the checkout from now on or I will go over to the rotisserie chickens, take off the lids, and set them on fire.

Sincerely,

Will Notwait

Kristev
03-18-2014, 12:07 AM
Dear Mr. Notwait.

You are an impatient thief. And as for immediate service, the only people who will immediately serve you if you set foot here again will be the police! On the other hand, thank you for giving us your name and address.

And we don't do fire here. Or hadn't you noticed everyone else in here was wearing coats?

Sincerely,
Mr. I. C. Kold'art, manager of
Cold Hard Cash Grocery Store.

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Dear Farms & Regal Bookstore,

My husband posted his opinion of Kylie Minogue's latest album in the place where people are permitted to offer their reviews. (He said it was awful.) He has the right to express his opinion! But the other people who posted, people who clearly have no class, as my husband put it, all disagreed with him. They loved the album and couldn't wait to share it with their friends. My husband felt so picked on. Those idiots were so mean to him.

But things really came to a head when one of the posters dared to summon some kind of 'authority', who first removed my husband's posts, then sicked the gestapo after him. The cops just took him away, something about cyber-something or other and terroristic threats. Naturally, I haven't read any of the posts, so I don't believe a word of it.

On the other hand, I liked the album too, and so did my husband. He just loves a good dust-up. He downloaded the whole album, and he didn't pay a dime. What a clever man!

Oh yes. I demand that all charges against him be dropped, that he be released immediately, that the people who accused him of whatever he's alleged to have done be arrested in his stead, and that we be given free music, and the right to post as my husband pleases, for the rest of his life. If you refuse, I'll go straight to Ms. Minogue herself and tattle on you! Maybe she'll defend her loyal fans if you won't!

Signed,
Mrs. Dodo Birdie Ingtrolle,
in the absence of her husband, Mr. Bull Y Ingtrolle.

purplecat41877
03-23-2014, 09:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Ingtrolle,

Your husband posted harrassing comments and illegally downloaded the album. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

R. E. Ader
Book Store Manager



Dear Fabric Store Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off telling me that I'm not allowed to cut my own fabric? I know how to handle a pair a scissors and I don't appreciate being treated like I'm stupid. I demand you retrain your employee on the importance of customer service. If you don't, I will take all of your fabric outside and set it on fire.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Adult

XCashier
03-23-2014, 03:29 PM
Dear Mrs. A. Dolt,

You are not allowed to use our scissors for the same reason you cannot go to a garage and use their tools: legal liability. If you injure yourself while using our scissors or climbing our ladders, we can be legally liable. Part of the job description for our employees is to cut the fabric for our customers. The last customer we caught cutting her own fabric took a large piece directly from the middle, causing us to have to waste three yards of $20.99/yd silk, and they ended up going to jail for destruction of private property.

As far as your pyro threat, we have forwarded copies of your letter to our Corporate offices and the local police and fire department. I'm sure our city's Finest will be having a word with you very soon.

Sincerely,
Polly Ester-Knit, owner
Yards-O-Fabric

* * *

Dear Department of Transportation,

I must complain about your rude road workers. I was driving to work when one of your idiot flaggers deliberately turned his sign to "Stop". Well, I'm much too important to wait for traffic, so I ignored him and sped through (I may have clipped him in passing, but so what? You can get another minimum-wage monkey to hold a sign!)

I ended up in a pileup with the cars coming the other way! My Beemer is ruined! I demand compensation! I demand $100,000 for my new car, $10,000,000 for my pain and suffering and you re-train your road apes to recognize important cars and let them through!

Sincerely,
Kent Follow-Directions

purplecat41877
03-27-2014, 04:37 AM
Dear Mr. Follow-Directions,

You're very lucky that the road worker wasn't injured or you'd be facing a lawsuit. Also, if you think you're to important to wait during road construction, I'd recommend using another route.

Sincerely,

D. R. Iver
Transportation Manager



Dear RV Manager,

My wife and I bought an RV with a washer and dryer inside so we could go camping. However, we got stuck in the mud when we drove the RV into the woods. We couldn't get out because it was raining and because there were bears nearby. I demand you inform people where they can camp without having to deal with mud, rain, or bears or I will buy your business.

Sincerely,

Rich R. Tan-You

catcul
03-29-2014, 04:49 PM
Dear Mr. Tan-You,

According to our records, you bought our Dreamliner, our top of the line RV. Basically, it is a bus that the manufacturer built with all of the amenities including a full size washer and drier. All of that makes your RV extremely heavy. Include the fact that buses are not made with 4 wheel drive makes it extremely likely that it would quickly get bogged down in the mud. We assume no responsibility for your lack of knowledge.

Of course, if you're willing to buy our business, we would be happy to sell it. After all, we can retire and take a vacation. If you're wondering where you can camp without mud, rain, or bears, you can go camp in the Painted Desert. I will warn you, it does get rather hot during the summer.

Sincerely,

Soverdi Greene, Greene Mountain RV

-----

Dear Kentucky Jelly,

I absolutely refuse to call it KY Jelly. Last week, I decided to visit my son, Hugh. I saw your product in his medicine cabinet and wondered why it was there when it was obviously jelly. I decided to try it on toast. That stuff tasted terrible. I asked him why he had Kentucky Jelly. He didn't tell me for some reason.

I demand that you pull your poisonous off of the shelves before you screw up someone's health.

Sincerely,

Cory Rection

Kristev
04-04-2014, 10:53 PM
Dear Mr. Rection,

It's not Kentucy Jelly. And you must use our products correctly. That you can't read directions is entirely on you. We will not remove our product from the shelves.

Signed,

W. R. Ning.

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Dear Natural Treasures exotic pet shop,

I got a parrot last month at your store last month. I kept it in a cage and fed it well in my studio apartment, but my idiot partner Jack Ash decided to let the bird go out the window just to spite me! The bird didn't die! Instead it flew, straight to the police department.

Now I'm reading in the newspaper about the parrot that kept repeating "Bank heist! Upton O'Goode! Bank heist! Upton O'Goode!" Next thing I know, Jack & I are both arrested and Jack pins it all on me! He's free as a bird and I'm languishing in jail for being a bank robber!

I demand that you pay my legal fines, help me get out of jail, help me get revenge on Jack, give me a million dollars for my trouble, and give me back my parrot. This time, without the power of speech, that is.

If you don't, I'm going to tell the police everything that parrot said about you people!

Signed,

Upton O'Good.

XCashier
04-05-2014, 03:35 AM
Dear Mr. O'Good,

I thought your face looked familiar! I've seen it on the police blotter several times! I listen to police radio and watch crime shows, and I saw the bank robbery you participated in on the news (wasn't very smart of you not to wear a mask, you know?). So yeah, you're pretty notorious.

I will give you points for taking good care of the bird, but we will not grant any of your other demands. All the evidence speaks for itself.

Sincerely,
Scarlett McCaw, owner
Natural Treasures Exotic Pet Shop

* * * * *

Dear Fat Freddy's Burger Joint,

I've been a loyal customer of yours for twenty years. I'm especially fond of your Triple Decker Bacon Cheeseburger, and get those nearly every day. But my doctor says I'm 300 pounds overweight, and I can't eat your food anymore!

How could you treat a loyal customer so badly, and make me so fat?! This is not acceptable! I demand that you compensate me $100,000 for my pain and suffering, and give me free Triple Decker Bacon Cheeseburgers for the rest of my life!

Sincerely,
Hugh Djebelly

purplecat41877
04-08-2014, 05:22 AM
Dear Mr. Djebelly,

I would recommend listening to your doctor since your health is important. We will not be giving you any money but we have enclosed coupons for our salads.

Sincerely,

Freddy Burger
Owner




Dear State College Dean,

Where you get off rejecting my application? All I've done is study and do homework 24/7 since I started school. My parents even told me not to participate in extra curricular activities or get a job since those things are a waste of time and I can get a job once I graduate college. I demand you accept me or I will have my parents hire someone to destroy your college.

Sincerely,

Miss Rejected

Kristev
04-10-2014, 09:10 PM
Dear Miss Rejected,

Your parents gave you some very bad advice, but your lousy grades were more than enough to disqualify you from our program. Now you'll never get in, but you may be getting a visit from the police for threatening our school.

Signed, Dr. F. R. Eethought.

(I apologize for my rant in the first reply.)
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Dear Chess-a-peek trades pawnshop,

I am angry with your manager, Ivory King, because I'm one of his loyalest customers, and he promised me that he'd marry me, and give me all my stuff back out of hawk for free, if I go seven blocks for him and kill his arch-enemy, rival pawnshop owner Mrs. Ebony Reina.

Though I had to advance seven blocks to find her, I found her, crept up diagonally from her, and killed her while she was too busy working on a business deal to checkmate Mr. King to notice me.

And after I'm finished, what does Mr. King offer me? Knighthood? I'm a refined young lady and he promised that he'd marry me! Turns out the big jerk He was already married! I am just plain insulted! I demand that we start over again, without his wife, so that this time he'll do right by me, and that he give me back not only everything I have in hawk for free, but a million dollars for my trouble as well! Do you know how hard it was for me, moving ahead seven blocks, then killing such a dangerous woman?

I'm so mad, if Mr. King doesn't make this right immediately, and marry me at once, I will go straight to Mrs. Reina's husband, offer to marry him just out of spite, and tell him everything I know about your pawnshop and your plans!

Signed, Miss Justa Pawn, aka, the rightful queen of the pawnshop.

catcul
04-11-2014, 02:43 AM
Dear Miss Pawn,

You do realize that Chess is just a game, right? I know that you're disappointed that you didn't win the Spring Tournament. You'll just need to sharpen your skills. We would like for you to enter our Summer Chess Championship coming up in three months.

Sincerely,

Gary Kasperov, Chesapeake Chess Championship

-----

Dear Patesville Fire Department,

Where do you get off breaking my windows? I parked in my normal spot everyday without incident. This morning, I was getting ready to go to work when I noticed that my BMW was missing. When I called the police to report it, they said that it was in the impound lot. When I finally got my car back after paying your absurd fines, I noticed that the windows were smashed out. When I asked the attendant, he said that you did it. He muttered something about "an 8 alarm fire," and parking in front of the fire hydrant."

I demand that you refund my fines and pay for the replacement for my smashed windows plus $1 million. If you don't, I will burn your firehouse to the ground.

P. Rick Gerky

purplecat41877
04-14-2014, 05:59 AM
Dear Mr. Gerky,

Parking in front of a fire hydrant is illegal and so is threatening to burn down a building. Therefore, all you'll get is a ride to the police station where you'll be staying in a cubed room.

Sincerely,

W. Ater
Fire Chief



Dear Bar Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire me. All I did was pour twice the drinks the customers ordered and then I drank the extra one since I'm required to be drunk on the job. I demand you give me my job back and allow me to drink all I want on the job. If you don't, I will come into the bar, open a bottle of wine, and pour it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mrs. I. Needtodrink

Kristev
04-22-2014, 01:13 AM
Dear Mrs. Needtodrink,

No, you're required to be sober on the job! Even in your own letter, you admit to stealing by drinking half of the product. But don't worry about pouring wine on my head. It is my custom to change the locks in the liquor cabinets when I change bartenders. I won't call the police, but I will strongly suggest that you enter a 12-step program.

Sincerely,

U. Hattie Nuff, owner of Jeers, where nobody wants to know your name or anything about you. That's why you come here.

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Dear Chief Forest Ranger,

After the terrible way my wife, Betty, was mistreated at a pool last year, I wanted to take my family to a wonderful place, where we wouldn't be bothered by common riffraff. I purchased a top of the line R. V. with all the comforts of home, and drove my family straight into the heart of your forest. They said it was closed and that people weren't to come in, but I've often found slipping a man a couple of hundred magically turns no into yes.

It was beautiful, at first, but that didn't last long! The road wasn't paved or suitable, so the R. V. got stuck in a pothole or something. I couldn't get it out. And our thousand-dollar cell phones didn't work so we couldn't call for help! Inexcusable!

Then, since we were stuck in the wilderness, we had to actually camp and rough it. My poor wife could barely stand going without electricity, and her hair. Her hair! Then it rained, turning the ground muddy and ruined our expensive clothes.

There were bugs, and worse yet, wild animals. They chased us all the way back to our R. V.

The only reason we got out of this nightmare at all is because an obviously poor single mother with three grubby children, who were clearly dirty and lower-class drove by, and, despite my wife's shock at having to, we accepted the woman's offer of a lift back to the nearest hotel at the entrance to the forest. She said something about the forest being "open again during the day and wanting to help her kids connect with nature or something," but she helped us out so I won't besmirch the woman.

I demand that you sell me your forest so that I can remove the rain and the wild animals, pave the roads, and put up grand hotels. If you refuse, I'll call my friend, Governor Entrenched, with whom I play golf every week and to whom I give generous campaign donations! He'll have that entire forest ripped up and torn down, and all of you useless rangers, none of whom bothered to check on my poor family, will be out of a job! How dare you not check up on us?

In fact, I don't want you to sell me that sickening forest after all. Give it to me, or I'm suing! I know all the judges in town, and happen to have a big stock of extra vintage cars to give away . . .

Angrily yours,

Richard Tan-You.

XCashier
04-22-2014, 01:40 AM
Dear Mr. Tan-You,

This is a National Forest, managed by the United States Forest Service, part of the United States Department of Agriculture, and it's federal land, which puts it beyond the reach of Governor Entrenched. We had roadblocks and rangers at every entrance, blocking the way as the roads were damaged by the winter storms and had not yet been repaired. If you had listened to Ranger Smith instead of cramming two hundred dollar bills in his mouth and nearly running him over in your haste to enter the forest, you would have known that.

The woman who helped you out, Ranger Burghart, a very experienced veteran ranger, who came upon you after she rescued three lost boy scouts, reported that your RV had torn up several acres of forest and you were hostile and threatening towards her and the boys. We had no choice but to involve the state police in this matter, and I will be forwarding your letter to them to help in their investigation. Needless to say, you will not own our forest any time soon.

Regards,
Forrest Knight,
Chief Ranger
Umpqua National Forest

* * * * *

Dear Store Owner,

I was buying my groceries and your idiot cashier double-scanned my chicken soup! Well, you know how these cashiers will rip you off any chance they get, so I told that thieving little bitch off. Then she had the nerve to cry! What a baby!

Well, that ruined my shopping experience! I'm not very impressed with your store. I demand $5000 compensation for my awful experience and you to fire that bitch or I will take my business elsewhere!

Sincerely,
Eve L. Harridan

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-22-2014, 01:49 AM
Dear Harridan:

Our sincerest apologies for the double charge.

You actually were supposed to be octuple-charged for the chicken soup. Our accounting department has prepared your bill and you should receive it in a few days. We look forward to your prompt resolution of this matter.

Max. I. Million
President, Foodz R' Us Grocery Stores

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Dear Stephen Spielberg;

I just got back from the local movie theater, where I attended the matinee showing of your latest film, Ass.

That's all it was. For ninety minutes. How could you just mail it in like that?

Please refund my ticket and refreshment costs and send me an autographed 9 x 11 glossy for my collection, or else I will tell everybody that all your films suck. And that goes double for Duel.

Tooth Umbs Down

purplecat41877
04-22-2014, 09:50 AM
Dear Mr. Down,

Enclosed is a 9 x 11 glossy frame for you to put whatever picture you want in there. As for the refund, you should contact the theater about that.

Sincerely,

Stephen Spielberg



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was recently in your store buying some groceries. However, when I got to the self-checkout, your rude employee refused to ring up my groceries. She told me that I was supposed to do that myself. I was steamed so I threw my groceries on the floor and stomped all over them. Then I stamped my feet while screaming as loud as I could and then stormed out. I want that rude employee fired and free groceries on my next visit or I will come to your store wearing nothing and walk back and forth in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Tantrum

Kristev
04-30-2014, 12:54 AM
Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

One is supposed to handle the checking out procedure themselves at a self-checkout, but we think you checked out a long time ago.

We understand that you threw your groceries on the floor and walked over them, which was a really stupid thing to do because you had a lot of glass jars. Why should you be surprised that your weak little sandals couldn't shield your feet from the glass? It was a horrifying scene, and we still have one man and two little children who've been dreadfully traumatized, since you left the store making it look like a murder took place.

We do hope the paramedics we called got to you in time. Not only will we not give you free groceries, but we have now taken a policy of putting rubber mats at the checkout lines, so that anything that falls will be unharmed.

Oh, and by the way, if you do show up skyclad, I'll counter by recording you and putting you up for nomination at "America's worst customers," who are having a home-video contest. You may well give us first prize! You see, I'm in college to get a degree in cinematography. I want to direct horror films, and your little stunt seems like perfect practice.

Signed,

Cammie Rah, manager and aspiring filmmaker.

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Dear Bird's Eye Garden shop,

I was weeding my garden yesterday and noticed that all of my award-winning roses, for which I am famous, were all dead. Every plant in my flowerbed was dead, much to my surprise. Well, I knew the only possible reason is because I tried a new weed killer from your store, "Start Again," which promised to get rid of every weed and make your soil like new.

Well, naturally I take the empty bag back to the store, since I used the entire bag on my garden. I did not have my receipt, but you're the only store in town that sells this terrible junk! It killed my whole garden! All my roses. Even the neighbor's vegetable garden was ruined and now she's mad at me, as if a little wind kicking up is my fault, of all the nerve!

But I want to complain about your customer service man, Basil. He refused to refund my money, and he insulted me, so of course I shouted at him and stuck the bag on his head. Then I tried to go the till and get the money myself, only to have him call your rude manager, Violet. She came over, pulled me away from the till, and called up some burly, big jerk in a uniform whom she referred to as Sage. He led me to the door and kicked me out! He doesn't even let me get my purse, which I dropped on the way out after his rude mishandling!

But the joke's on you people. When your last employee, some girl named Heather, was locking up, I ran up to her and begged her to let me in right quick because I'd forgotten my purse. Naturally this sweet girl let me in. Of course, after I get my purse, I go to your flower section and take your most beautiful roses, putting them in my purse and taking out my dead, wilted roses. Don't my ruined roses look so nice in your pots? That's what you get for your poor customer service.

But this morning, when I was up, the police are pounding on my door! They want to arrest me, but I've done nothing wrong! You owe me, big time! Now I demand that you drop all charges, pay me a thousand dollars, and send your entire staff to work the weekend for free restoring my once beautiful garden to its former glory. If you refuse, I'll dump every single of "Start Again" all over your flower section, then I'll wait until you're all at work and use every can of bug spray right there in front of you all!

Signed,

Madame Swit Sharroo Redthumb.

purplecat41877
04-30-2014, 09:58 AM
Dear Ms. Redthumb,

The weed killer is to be used a little at a time and all refunds require a receipt. Also, your request is denied and you are banned from our store.

Sincerely,

Lily Plant
Manager



Dear Theater Manager,

Where do you get off having the movie play at full volume? It was so loud that I couldn't talk with my friend on the phone and we had to text each other instead. I demand you lower the volume to a reasonable level. If you don't, I will come back to your theater and cut the screen with a pair of scissors.

Sincerely,

Miss Tooloud

Kristev
05-07-2014, 09:09 PM
Dear Miss Tool-Loud,

We banned cell phones from the theater for the same reasons we banned most other gadgets: Firstly, someone could easily make a recording of the movie, albeit at poor quality, and sell it on the black market or give it away. Secondly, people came to see and hear the movie, not your conversation.

We apologize that you did not enjoy your viewing of Jaws 6, the land shark mutation, but that does not give you the right to take scissors to our screen. Please don't come back. If you do come back, we'll take a pair of really big scissors to your cell phone.


Sincerely,

Etta Tainment, owner of Realized Dreams cinema.

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Dear Quicksand Boutique,

I went to your jewelery boutique with my wife, Encubridora, a couple of days ago, and she just fell in love with the most wonderful things there. Unfortunately, the prices are far from wonderful. I can see why you call your shop Quicksand, because the prices even for your cheapest items are so exorbitant, you'd need to take out a mortgage to buy anything there!

The prices on everything she wanted sent my wife into a full on asthma attack, but at least your clerk was good enough to rush to her side and try to tend to her, while your manager called the ambulance.

But now I'm getting sued for grand larceny? How dare you even suggest that? So I took my wife's purse to go find her medication, which I did find. By what right . . . I mean, I'm so offended at the suggestion that I would stoop to putting everything my wife wanted in her purse while your two workers were busy tending to her asthma attack! It's not my fault your stock went missing. I had nothing to do with it at all!

I demand that you drop the lawsuit, and give my wife free jewelery to satisfy her and repair this insult to our good family name. If you don't, I will put itching powder on every piece of merchandise you sell, as well as your door handles, floors, register, and toilet seat. That'll show you!

Signed,

Mr. Percy Quickfingers.

purplecat41877
05-13-2014, 04:30 AM
Dear Mr. Quickfingers,

Since you stole jewelry for your wife, we are pressing charges so you won't be able to use the itching powder. Therefore, the lawsuit won't be dropped but we are giving your wife a membership for jewelry discounts but you are banned.

Sincerely,

D. I. Amond

Boutique Manager



Dear Greenhouse Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was pull some of the flowers and put them in a plastic bag so I could make my mother a potpourri bag for Mother's Day. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to make all the potpourri I want. If you don't, I will turn on the sprinklers and then break the handle.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Potpourri

XCashier
05-13-2014, 07:56 PM
Dear Mrs. Potpourri,

You may make all the potpourri you want, after you pay for the flowers. Those flowers belong to us until you pay for them, after you pay for them, you may do whatever you want, eat them for all I care.

The problem is, you stole our flowers. You did not pay at all. Stealing is stealing, and it is a crime. And good luck getting to our sprinkler system, as you will most likely be spending the next several years in jail. We've posted your picture on the breakroom wall, so we know who to look for, as well as faxed the information to every nursery within 50 miles of here. May I suggest next time, you try growing your own flowers? Or pick wildflowers along the highway? Or, let's see, maybe pay for flowers before you take them?!

Sincerely,
Chris Anthemum, owner,
Garden of Delights Greenhouse and Plant Nursery

* * *

Dear Virtual Realty,

I am appalled at your ineptitude! My former next-door neighbor sold his house through you, and you allowed some lowlifes to buy it! How can you be so stupid as to not see that they don't fit in our neighborhood, that they're not our kind? Why, I saw the man mowing the lawn, and he was wearing a T-shirt with a hole in it! And the woman wears clothing that I've seen advertised in VoldeMart circulars! She has the utter gall to wear white after Labor Day!!! Don't even mention the kids; they were on their scruffy hands and knees, drawing all over their driveway with dollar store sidewalk chalk! And they had the nerve to ask my darling precious little princess to come over and play! I didn't allow it, of course; I don't want my perfect darling to ruin her top-name designer clothing by playing with riff-raff ragamuffins!

You should be ashamed of yourself. I demand that you rescind the sale and throw these lower class trash out on the streets where they belong. And don't sell any house in this neighborhood to anyone who makes less than $500,000 a year!

Sincerely,
Condi Scending-Snob

catcul
05-15-2014, 10:38 PM
Dear Mrs. Scending-Snob,

I am appalled at your shortsightedness. The neighbors were both able to prove that they were able to afford the house. I'm sure the reason that they were in cheap clothing was because they were working and playing outside and didn't want to ruin their good clothes. I know I wouldn't want to mow the lawn in a suit and tie. Also, about the chalk, that is temporary and will be gone by the next rain.

If you don't like it, you can move. We will be more than happy to sell your house.

Sincerely,

Raymond Maxwell, Virtual Realty

-----

Dear TV Station,

How dare you interrupt my program? I was watching my favorite program when this irritating man comes on the air muttering something about thunderstorms and tornadoes. He kept doing it over and over again. Naturally, I complained to the station about it. The next day, this awful woman comes on the air telling me that I needed to get my priorities straight (http://www.argusleader.com/story/news/business-journal/2014/05/14/ksfy-anchors-viewer-rebuke-makes-national-news/9064265/); that warning the public about the weather was more important than my show.

I want you to remove that man that kept interrupting my show. I also want you to fire that self-righteous :censored: while you're at it.

Sincerely,

Ree Lee Thicke

wolfie
05-16-2014, 05:33 AM
Dear Mr. Thicke,

Please accept our apologies for interrupting your program. As compensation, we are providing you with tickets to, and accommodation in, New Orleans, arranged through our partner company Thomas Baker Travel Incorporated. Your one-week stay in this lovely city will begin August 29, 2005.

Sincerely,

Kate Storme

---------------------------------

Dear NFL Board of Directors,

My brother-in-law and I arrived at the stadium in plenty of time (an hour before kickoff) to purchase tickets to the Super Bowl. I was shocked that you had already sold all the tickets for this game. This is a clear case of negligence on your part - you should have known I was going to be attending, and held back 2 tickets. As compensation, I expect a free pair of tickets to each of the next 10 Super Bowls.

Sincerely,

N. Titled/S. Hole

purplecat41877
05-17-2014, 08:54 AM
Dear Mr. Titled and Mr. Hole,

The super bowl tickets sell out quickly since the game is very popular so next time you should purchase your tickets ahead of time; preferably as soon as the tickets start selling. Your request is denied.

Sincerely,

F. O. Otball
NFL Director



Dear Prison Warden,

You had no right to put me in the hole. All I did was smoke a cigarette in my cell. I demand you take me out of here at once. If you don't, I will rip the mattress to shreds.

Sincerely,

Mrs. I Needtosmoke

catcul
05-24-2014, 01:32 AM
Dear Mrs. Needtosmoke,

You do realize that smoking is banned here. As long as you stay at our mental health clinic, you are not allowed to have any tobacco products. It seems that you have not been taking your medicine. You are having delusions that you are in prison. Please continue to take your medicine and do not smoke here again. Please do not rip the mattress, either.

Thank you,

Dr. Lyle Bolton, Cape Fear Mental Health Clinic

-----

Dear Happy Island Travels,

I had booked a trip to Forbidden Island. When I arrived for the helicopter tour, the pilot informed us that the island sank into the ocean. After the pilot handed me my refund, I demanded to know what happened. He said that he didn't know, but it's a good thing that the island was uninhabited. I demand that you raise that island back up so I can visit, or I will sue you into oblivion.

Sincerely,

Phil Neptune

purplecat41877
05-30-2014, 07:11 AM
Dear Mr. Neptune,

Unfortunately, we can't bring the island back. However, we have enclosed brochures of places for you to visit.

Sincerely,

V. A. Cation
Travel Agent Manager



Dear Chief of Police,

Your rude officer had no right to arrest me. All I did was call 911 because I ordered pizza and the pizza employees didn't make it right. They should've been arrested because they broke the law by not making the pizza the way I wanted it. I demand you drop the charges against me and press charges against the employees who made my pizza or I will burn down the place that didn't make my pizza correctly.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Pizza

Andrew B.
06-04-2014, 11:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Pizza,

There is no law that states a pizza shop must make a pizza exactly the way you wanted it. There IS a law against misuse of 911 and terroristic threats.

Enjoy the striped sunlight.

J. Ustice
Chief of Police.

---------

Dear Ms. T. Eacher

Why is my daughter in summer school? She should be having fun outside. Just because she missed most of the year because she assaulted some students, and teachers, and the security guards, then had be lead out in handcuffs. That's no reason to hold her back a grade.

Mrs. En Abler.

Kristev
06-06-2014, 10:30 PM
Dear Ms. Abler.

You do have so difficulties with spelling, don't you? We offer remedial classes at night, which I teach personally on Wednesdays if you would like to participate.

Your daughter missed out on school because she was in Juvenile Hall for so long. Her attacks on other students, staff, and security were far too serious. I am sorry that she had to miss her prom, but just because someone wore the same dress as you one day is no reason to freak out and try to figuratively bring the whole school down.

I do not know what kind of education she got in Juvenile Hall, but it clearly was only good for teaching her how to be a better criminal.

Let us just say that it was lucky for everyone else here that I am a black belt in my martial arts discipline and that I could prevent her from doing any further harm.

I am sorry, and our school would do everything it could, such as offering her counseling. But it does her no good to offer blind support with no discipline or structure, Mrs. Abler. You should be less worried about your daughter being in summer school and more concerned about her emotional and psychiatric needs.

Dr. U. Stopthat, head eighth grade teacher.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Riveting Rosie's magazine, (and what magazine goes around calling itself the magazine for women who take matters into their own hands?)

I am furious because my wife is a subscriber to your magazine. Normally I don't really care because I always thought it was just another pretty deco & dinner magazine. But instead, the one I picked up and read were articles like "How to repair your oven," and "Rosie's tips on being sure your mechanic isn't ripping you off." What kind of women's magazine is that?

But what really irked me is when I read the advice column, "Letters to Lyza," written by Ms. Lyza Stratta. The things she said in her column . . . I couldn't believe it!

The one that really angered me was when I read what she wrote to my wife. She told my wife that she should go to her sister's house and not come out until I threw away all my liquor and gave up all my friends! Why should I do that? Just because I threw a bash with the boys from work and we all got drunk and tore the house to pieces with our tools? Or, as Lyza wrote, "If he spends all his time drinking with his friends, your walls and ceilings aren't the only ones suffering from it. If all his time is spent with them, does he spend any time with you or are you ignored until he breaks something and needs you to clean up after him? I wouldn't put up with a marriage like that! If he wants to ignore the good wife he has, then he doesn't deserve you. Go to your sister's house, lock the doors, and don't let him in. Let him go ignore you forever and clean up his own mess for a change! Write me back and tell me how it's going. I care, Lyza."


I am so mad, I demand that you fire Lyza Stratta and make her write a letter demanding my wife apologize to me and return home! If you don't, I'll go to your magazine with an army of men and take it over! We'll show you women who is really in charge!

And you can give me a billion dollars for the inconvenience of having to clean up my house since no housekeeper will take the job and no woman will date me after Lyza's column!

Signed,

Mr. Iggy Norant-Clod.

(Thanks to Naillon for her wonderful advice.)

XCashier
06-07-2014, 06:19 PM
Dear Mr. Norant-Clod,

Uh huh. You really don't get it, do you? The problem is with you, not your wife.

Women are not service robots, existing only to clean up after you and do as you say. Women are fellow human beings, and deserve to be treated as such.

Put yourself in your wife's place. How would you like it if a bunch of drunkards tore up your house, then demanded you clean it up? How would you feel to be treated as nothing but a slave to cater to their demands? How would you feel if you were ignored and belittled until it was time to break out the shovels and brooms?

I repeat, the problem is with you. You were very demeaning and harsh towards the woman you claim you love. You need to change your attitude if you want to save your marriage. Marriage is a two-way street, both parties have to give as well as receive.

Enclosed is a business card for a very good psychiatrist in your area. Dr. Reality-Check can help you come to grips and become a better human being. And don't even consider bringing your drunkard friends over to trash our offices or demanding money from us; if our top-notch security guards don't stop you, our lawyers will.

Sincerely,
Rosie Strong, founder,
Riveting Rosie's, the Magazine for Women Who Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

* * *

Deer Eleven-Seven,

I needed to use yore bafroom, but the stooped clerk tol me it wuz broken. Why didn't that dumb ass fix it so we cuztomurs can use it? When you gotta go, you gotta go, so I whipped out Old One-Eye and did it in the parking lot.

Nex thing I know, som cops are bustin me! Som crap about indeesent xposure, I don't unnerstan it.

Yoo guys suk! Gimme a millin dollars for the bail and the incon innconv cuz yoo made me look like a dumb ass!

Sincerely,
Hick Noclass

wolfie
06-14-2014, 11:24 PM
Dear Mr. Noclass,

We regret that the washroom was unusable, but a previous customer (from the video of the hall leading to the bathroom, I have reason to believe that this customer is related to you) stuffed an entire industrial-size roll of toilet paper into the commode and flushed it. Regrettably, our jurisdiction does not permit anyone other than a licensed plumber (a certification our clerk does not hold) to perform repairs on toilets in commercial premises.

As for your legal issues, I would recommend that your attorney attempt to use "De minima non curat lex" in your defense (again, I saw the surveilance video - I congratulate you on being to find Old One-Eye without a magnifying glass and tweezers.

Finally, I assure you that we made no attempt to make you look like a dumb ass - you clearly need no assistance in that area.

Sincerely, Mr. Dice-Win

***

(OOC - when reading, imagine it being spoken in a Cockney accent)
Dear Bendix corporation,

I was told that your AD-9 (http://www.anythingtruck.com/htp-brake-air-dryers-ad9-works.html) was the best 'air dryer on the market. Since I wear my 'air very long, it is difficult to dry, so I went to the "We 'ave absolutely everything" mega-mart to buy one.

On getting it out of the box, I couldn't see 'ow it was supposed to dry 'air at all. It's bloomin' 'eavy, doesn't 'ave a 'andle to 'old it by, doesn't 'ave a mains flex to plug in, and I couldn't see where the 'ot 'air is supposed to come out of.

Please send me an 'air dryer that works.

Lori

purplecat41877
06-19-2014, 05:30 AM
Dear Lori,

Enclosed is a gift certificate to a salon. Hopefully they can help with drying your hair and show you what you will need to use.

Sincerely,

T. R. Uckairdriver
Manager



Dear Hospital Manager,

Where does your rude doctor get off telling my husband and I that we can't have children of our own? My husband and I want to start a family and your rude doctor had the nerve to try to ruin that for us. I demand you fire the rude doctor and hire a doctor that will tell my husband and I that we can have children since it's the law to tell couples that want children that they can have them. If you don't, I will take one of the babies from the nursery and take it home where my husband and I will raise it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sterile

Kristev
07-04-2014, 01:15 AM
Dear Mrs. Sterile,

We apologize for your unfortunate situation, but the fact is that you are both sterile and a diabetic in a dangerously unstable condition. We absolutely will not fire Dr. Miracle, but we will hire extra security guards to protect the children, especially the babies. The police have been notified of your threat.

Sincerely,

Prof. Essional, teaching hospital administrator.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Magic Moonlight Motel,

I went to your establishment with my newest girlfriend, Suzy, who I'd met that night at the bar in your hotel. After a few drinks and some dances, we went up to her room (for she was here in town on business and lives in Chicago). We were having a wonderful until the stroke of midnight. At that moment, the door bursts open to reveal my wife and Suzy's boyfriend. They drag me out of bed, thrash me and berate me, and then she throws the wedding ring at me and tells Suzy she can have me.

Except that she can't, because her boyfriend then throws me out of the room, literally! I hear Suzy telling him how big and strong he is and that every time she sees him use his muscles, she just falls in love with him all over again.

I, however, can't go home because my wife tells me I don't live there any longer. She won't even drive me home! I have to rent a hotel room so I can stay in a bed, only to find that all my money is gone from my wallet! Yes, I did have quite a few drinks at the bar, but your drinks are overpriced anyway!

I demand that you give me a million dollars and a free room to live in for the rest of my life! I also want to know which one of your gossipy employees told my now ex-wife, or Suzy's boyfriend, what we were up to! If you don't, I'll burn your hotel to the ground, after I drink up all your liquor!

Signed,

Mr. Lollyff Cheetur-Dawg.

darkroxas45
07-04-2014, 02:22 AM
Dear Mr. Cheetur-Dawg,
Your now ex-wife and Suzy's boyfriend found out that you were cheating when you hopped up on the bar and belted out a horrible rendition of "Sunshine of your Love" by Cream and I'll add you did the wrong lyrics because I am sure "I'll pee in your lager honey" is NOT one of the lyrics. After that you yelled out that you were gonna "ride this princess until she is an ugly step sister" right to the faces of your Ex-wife and Suzy's boyfriend. As for your requests and threats know that every police officer, sheriff's deputy and State Marshal within the quad state area has your picture and is on the lookout for you as you also tried to grope an undercover officer.
Signed,
Mr. E. Vil


Dear Rude owners,
I was in your establishment the other day with my 12 kids, 15 cousins, 11 uncles, 42 neices, 8 nephews, and grandmother, for my grandmother's 100th birthday. I was angry when you rudely told me to leave and never return. I am a valued customer and have spent $400,000 a year there for the past 20 years. I demand a $40,000 gift certificate, free food for the life of my family, the keys to the restaurant, and your life savings for the horrible service you put us through including, but not limited to, yelling at my children who all ran up to your mascot to hug him all at once, yelling at my uncle Fargus who spilled beer on the evil waitress who wasn't at our table on her hands and knees every second of our visit, and not cleaning the floor around our table on a regular basis. Should my demands go unmet, I will file a lawsuit against you.
Signed,
Mr. E. W. Lawdmauth

purplecat41877
07-07-2014, 05:19 AM
Dear Mr. Lawdmauth,

We had to ban you since other customers complained about the noise that you and your family made and the mascot has an anxiety condition. Therefore, you and your family will be getting nothing except a permanent ban.

Sincerely,

S. E. Rious
Family Fun Center



Dear Party Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested and my husband called to pick up our 2 year old daughter! All I did was snatch a balloon out of another little girl's hand since my 2 year old really wanted that balloon and when the other girl's mother tried to confront me, I shoved her into a nearby display. I demand you drop the charges against me and allow my children to have all the balloons they want. If you don't, I will open all of the streamers and dump them on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Spoiled

Seanette
07-07-2014, 06:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Spoiled:

Not only is your demand denied, but the police have been advised of your address (they were quite grateful that you supplied it in your letter). Do enjoy the lovely joined silver bracelets they are so eager to give you. I did give them a sheet of balloon stickers to apply to the bracelets for that extra-special personal touch. I've been informed by the woman you pushed that you should also expect to be hearing from her family's attorneys.

You are banned from our store and CPS has been contacted on behalf of your daughter, since I was quite concerned as to how you might treat your own child, given your behavior toward strangers.

Ava Hadd-Enough, Party Store Manager

-------

"Dear" cable company:
Do you have NO self-respect at all??? Have you ever even WATCHED the garbage you wring my wallet dry to pipe into my home??? I INSIST that you immediately remove from the air all shows that I don't like and run non-stop, COMMERCIAL-FREE, marathons of my favorites.

Diss Gusted

darkroxas45
07-07-2014, 06:35 AM
Dear Valued Customer Gusted,
We at ClockPolice cable do not control what is put on the television. The networks like BCD, DCT, CDA, FBI, and DEA decide. We will not ask them to put on reruns of "Billy Bob Dances with a Beaver" since that show was not popular and Billy Bob ran into the woods cheering and disrobing after the show was canceled. We will cancel your package, all 5 channels of it, at your request.
Signed,
Dr Hu
President of ClockPolice cable

------------
Dear Galaxy News Radio,
Why did you hire that Tres Perro guy as a dj instead of my brother Stinky Weasleteats? I demand you fire Tres Perro and hire my brother. I also demand a spot as head of music selection so that I may play all my favorite songs and ONLY MY FAVORITE SONGS 24/7. If my demands are not met then I will have the Army come down there and make you meet my demands.
Signed
V. Hunter

Kristev
07-07-2014, 09:30 PM
Dear V. Hunter,

Tres Perro was strictly better than your brother. We shall not be hiring you for anything, and we ask you, quite literally, you and what army?

Signed,

M. U. Sik.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Best 2 International Bank,

I want to know where all my money has gone and why I'm negative 10,000 dollars! I only just got paid yesterday. There's no reason for this! I'm out there trying to make money, not lose it!
I've got lots of ventures going on.

Firstly, I invested a lot of my money with a stockbroker who had a fancy office and pictures of past presidents, who promised returns of 90 % every year!

Then I bought a car from a private seller, using a loan from your own bank! It was a classic, grand, 1980's Rolls Royce! I'm so glad I bought it from Mrs. Neighbors rather than Jim's Used Car Dealers. It's so much easier than having to wade through Carfax documentation.

And I bought a house, also getting a loan from your bank, from a former movie star turned realtor. I was so taken by his manner and his style that je just charmed me into buying it on the spot without having to bother with any of the papers.

And, of course, I hired the contractor who helpfully drove up to my door without my even bothering to call him to do all kinds of little fixes I didn't notice that the house needed. How helpful of him. He took my money and he'll be back next month.

And MasterVisa Express' credit card helped me to pay for all of this. But now they claim I'm long over past due even the minimum balance, so they told me that they helped themselves to my bank account! By what authority can they do this? I didn't read what they sent me so my signature doesn't count!

Now my bank account is negative by ten thousand dollars, and I am sure I'm not responsible for any of it! If they took my money, you should've protected me! I demand that you pay off all my debts and give me ten trillion dollars for my inconvenience.

If you don't, I'll have to file for bankruptcy! That's not fair. That's not right. What about my kids? How will they eat? I demand that you help me, for my children.

Signed,

Annie Glected Mydoo-Dillygance.

Kit-Ginevra
07-08-2014, 12:53 AM
Dear Miss Mydoo-dingledangles

Your money is quite safe-we have transferred it to our African division for safe keeping,where you will have ready access to it for a small maintenance fee,to be paid via Western Union to our branch maintenance department.
Since the total Treasury funds of the nation equate to less than a trillion dollars,if we were to issue compensation,we would cause the country to go broke.And this isn't some piffling little country like Canadia,this is the greatest nation in the world-at all times a suitably large sum of money should be kept by in case of a sudden need to liberate another country who happen to have voted in the wrong government.

Yours sincerely,
Billy Bob Banker.


The Manager
The Great Great Vacuum Store


Dear SIR
As a result of your FALSE Advertising my daughter is now facing JAIL!!!!Your shop says
If anything blows better than our new MegaVacuum,we will give you a full refund. My daughter did everything you said she had to and not only did NOT got a refund like you said she would
-so you LIED in your advert!!!-the police have been called.You'd better get her her money back AND her bail money AND come down the court to get her off the charges that were YOUR fault or we'll have YOUR staff arrested too and see how YOU LIKE IT!

Mrs S. Lutski

Lace Neil Singer
07-08-2014, 12:57 AM
Dear Mr Hunter,

Your brother is currently in prison for serial murder, so I really don't think I can possibly hire him for the radio station. And I won't hire you either, cuz a brother of a serial killer is not the sort of person I want working for me.

Yours, Magenta Galaxy, owner of Galaxy News Radio.

~~~

Dear manager of Petrol Station,

I recently came to your petrol station and filled my Giantpointless SUV to the brim, then found I'd forgotten my purse. I naturally, since I am a valued customer of yours and spend several hundred pounds a week at your store, expected your employees to let me off payment. To my horror and disgust, they refused. How dare they! Not content with embarrassing me in front of all the other customers, those stupid girls then dared to call the police after I drove off. I demand that you fire those bitches, drop the charges and give me 10,000 compensation.

Yours,

Mrs I Amapheef.

purplecat41877
07-12-2014, 05:13 AM
Dear Ms. Lutski,

Your daughter was caught giving a blow job to my son. Therefore, we won't pay her bail or anything else and both of you are banned.

Sincerely,

C. L. Eaner
Manager



Dear Amapheef,

Driving off without paying is considered shoplifting. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

G. A. Stank
Manager



Dear Sports Stadium Manager,

Where do you get off allowing some stranger to post a video of me sleeping (http://nypost.com/2014/07/07/yankees-fan-caught-sleeping-suing-espn-for-10-million/) during the game? I ended up getting fired from my job and can never get another one because of that video. I demand you post an apology video, give me 10 million dollars, free games and refreshments for life, and find another job for me since it's your fault that I got fired. If you don't do what I want, I will burn down your stadium.

Sincerely,

Mr. Snoozer

darkroxas45
07-15-2014, 05:17 AM
Dear Mr. Snoozer,
We don't control what gets posted to the internet. You were fired from your job because that day you claimed you were sick with the flu to your boss and when you were seen at the game, they knew you had lied and it was your final strike [no pun intended]. As such you will not be receiving one cent, we will NOT be issuing an apology, you will pay full price for all refreshments should we decide to allow you back into the stadium, we will NOT be finding you another job, and as for your arson threat, you sir are an idiot as we have your face on camera from the game and cameras posted around the stadium should you even get past the barbwire fence and guards.
Signed,
G. Steinbrenner



Dear Duracell Batteries,
I am appalled at your product quality. I put my self stirring mug in the microwave and started the microwave to heat my hot chocolate and no sooner had I left the kitchen I heard an awful explosion. Turns out your batteries exploded and destroyed my microwave, floor, wall, stove, and fridge. For this I demand a brand new fully furnished mansion as an upgrade from my 1 bedroom apartment, 4 lamborghinis, a million dollars, a new mug, a lifetime supply of batteries, the CEO's first born, their house, their cars, and all their money. I see no problems as to why these shouldn't be met. If you do not meet my demands I will file a lawsuit because I have more money than sense.
Signed,
I. diot

purplecat41877
07-16-2014, 07:05 AM
Dear Ms. Diot,

Batteries aren't meant to be used in the microwave. In the future, I would suggest using a microwavable mug and all of your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

B. Attery
Manager



Dear Airline Manager,

I was on the plane and about to light up a cigarette. However, the rude flight attendant had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't allowed to smoke on the plane. I am the passenger and if I want to smoke on the plane, then I have every right to. I want the rude flight attendant fired and to be allowed to smoke all I want on the plane or I will undress in my seat and then get up and walk around the plane smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Naturalsmoker

darkroxas45
07-16-2014, 07:43 AM
Dear Mrs. Naturalsmoker,
We have those rules about no smoking for the safety and comfort of our passengers. If we allowed you and everyone else to smoke on the plane, people with breathing problems could die as the chances of a properly trained medical person being on the plane could be quite slim. Furthermore we will not be firing the attendant, you are hereby banned from flying with our airline and should you chose to walk around in nothing, at the next stop there will be some nice people there who will give you special limited edition silver bracelets.
signed,
B. Stockman
Lord of the flies airlines CEO



Dear Raccoon City Police,
Where do you get off pulling me over in my sports car and giving me a $500 ticket? I was ashamed when the officer pulled me over and gave me this ticket. Furthermore he had no lower jaw and walked with a limp, why would you hire someone like that? I demand the officer be fired, his severance pay be used for my ticket, and I get a personal police escort when I am in your town.
Signed,
Tiny P. Rick

purplecat41877
07-20-2014, 07:55 AM
Dear Mr. Rick,

You were given a ticket for speeding and driving through an empty building. Also, the officer lost his jaw from stopping a robbery so he won't be fired, he'll get to keep all of his money, and the only escort you'll get is to prison if you come back here.

Sincerely,

M. Ask
Raccoon Chief of Police



Dear Daycare Center Owner,

Where do you get off not allowing my 2 year old daughter to share her snacks? I want her to learn to be generous and your staff is ruining it by trying to turn her into a selfish pig. I demand you tell your staff that the children can share their snacks all they want. If you don't, I will go into the staff lounge and replace the water in the coffee machine with vodka.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Generous

catcul
07-20-2014, 04:34 PM
Dear Mrs. Generous,

We here at Butterfly Wings Daycare would usually encourage generosity, but your toddler was trying to give her snack that contained peanut butter. Unfortunately, the other toddler has a deadly allergy to peanuts. If he had eaten it, we would have had to call paramedics to save his life.

Also, if you want to replace the water in our coffee maker with vodka, we prefer you give us Cloud Vodka. We won't get hungover with that drink.

Sincerely,

Ida English

-----

Dear Business Computer Solutions, Inc.,

What is the meaning of this? I recently applied to your Public Relations position. I came by your office to find out the status of my interview. That f:censored:ing rude receptionist, Chanelle, said that I was not going to be interviewed since the position was already f:censored:ing filled. What kinds of pieces of s:censored:t do you hire at this motherf:censored:ing crackerjack operation? I found out that you hired a f:censored:ing f:censored:t n:censored:r over me. I can't believe you would hire a f:censored:t or a n:censored:r over a piece of perfection like me.

I demand that you fire that f:censored:t n:censored:r from my job. I also demand that you fire all of your f:censored:ts and n:censored:rs, and only hire straight white people from now on. You can also tell that f:censored:ing b:censored:ch c:censored:t Chanelle that she can go f:censored:k her f:censored:ing self.

Sincerely,

Ray Sist Dick

Kristev
07-23-2014, 10:29 PM
Dear Mr. Dick

Your mouth was so foul all the toothpaste and mouthwash in the world couldn't clean it, and neither could that gum from outer space that can clean any mouth. She was quite clear that she didn't reveal who was ired for the job, not that any of our employees are your business anyway.

We don't want someone who talks like you as any kind of public relations officer. But we gladly encourage you to go out and work for our competition. Please, with our blessing.

Sincerely,

Justice Rainbow,

Manager of Business Computer Solutions, Inc.,

Dear Duolever,

On the advise of my friend, Karl Les BrandByer, I ran out and spent one hundred dollars on several great big tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Better for my dinner party. One for each of my guests. Karl is always telling me to buy the most expensive brands because they are the best, and yours was plainly the most costly in the store. But everyone at my dinner party who used your product, including me, found it was disgusting and we all complained that it wasn't worth the price. For that price, it should be the best thing we ever tasted, not the worst.

Now I demand a full refund on all of the tubs, including the tubs each person opened and used, and a billion dollars for the pain and suffering of my humiliation at the party! I also demand that you take your product off the market or put warning labels on it, and that you send me a hundred free tubs. If you refuse, not only am I going back to Parkway's butter, which costs 7 dollars a tub and has a lid that talks, albeit it only says two words, I and my friends will all bombard your comment boards with horrible reviews and tell every consumer protection show we can find just what a shoddy, but overpriced, product you're putting out!

We'll just see what happens to your precious I Can't Believe It's Not Better when I get through with you!

Signed,

Anne Wiesse-Shopper.

purplecat41877
07-26-2014, 07:43 AM
Dear Miss Wiesse-Shopper,

Butter is meant to be spread on food or used in cooking; not eaten by itself. You will not get anything from us.

Sincerely,

B. Utter
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I recently came to your store to do some shopping. However, I was offended to see that your employees were on strike. I demand you stop the strike so important customers like me can shop all they want. If you don't, I will go into the store and start a fire in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shopper

DGoddessChardonnay
07-27-2014, 01:32 AM
Dear Miss Wiesse-Shopper,

Butter is meant to be spread on food or used in cooking; not eaten by itself. You will not get anything from us.

Sincerely,

B. Utter
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I recently came to your store to do some shopping. However, I was offended to see that your employees were on strike. I demand you stop the strike so important customers like me can shop all they want. If you don't, I will go into the store and start a fire in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shopper

Dear Ms. Shopper -

Unfortunately we cannot grant your request - but you're more than welcome to contact the local union and discuss the matter with them. Our hands are tied by this unfortunate situation.

And also your letter has been forwarded to local law enforcement as well as Homeland Security, as you have clearly communicated a threat of violence, which is a crime.

And as an aside: should you decide to take the matter up with the local union who represents our employees, if they retaliate by knocking you out with their picket signs, our company is not liable.

Good Riddance-

R. U Stupid
Store Manager

Lace Neil Singer
07-28-2014, 09:38 PM
Since no letter to reply to... will post one to keep the thread going. :D

Dear Cinema Manager,

I would like to complain about the level of service I received when I went to your cinema to watch a film. The movie I selected was "Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head" and your stupid worker refused to let me bring my four year old daughter Cznoflayke in! I think as a mother I know better than your idiotic staff as to what sort of movie I can take my daughter into. She wouldn't have watched it, anyway; she'd have just had fun running up and down the stairs for two hours straight.

I demand free movie passes for a year and your incompentant staff fired. If you do not comply, I'll see you in court!

Yours, Ms Sue Demall.

Rizdan
07-30-2014, 09:43 PM
Dear Ms. Demall,


As the sign posted next to the movies showing said, 'children under 17 not admitted to R rated movies'. If you wish to watch this sort of movie at your own house, that is your business; but here, we do not allow it. Ever. If you have a problem with this being our policy, then I suggest you visit the cinema across town. They do allow children in R rated movies before 7:00. We know full well that your child would have spent the duration of the movie talking loudly, running up and down the aisles, and in many other ways making the other customers' visit go badly. So, for the well being of your child, and the well being of your fellow customers, we are refusing to grant you your request.

Sincerely,
Mo ViePlayer,
owner of Big Mall Cineplex.

-------------------------------------


deer managr,

i tried to order me sum pants for the weakli village git together but your meen person kept askin al thes rely hard questons wanting ma nam, adres, postel cod, and i cant remeber the rest of them. all i want r sum purdy pink camo pants to go with my coat, shirt, and hat. I DEMAND THAT U GIVE SEND ME MA PANTS!! you should alredy now that i want them annd not have ta ask for all that stuf. besides, i gave you all that inform stuf last tim i cald. i only cald last yer for ma hat, u shod no ho i am. ples send me ma pants that you have in this here catel thingy that you keep sending me evry month.

singed,
haf nekednfrezing

darkroxas45
08-02-2014, 04:11 AM
-------------------------------------


deer managr,

i tried to order me sum pants for the weakli village git together but your meen person kept askin al thes rely hard questons wanting ma nam, adres, postel cod, and i cant remeber the rest of them. all i want r sum purdy pink camo pants to go with my coat, shirt, and hat. I DEMAND THAT U GIVE SEND ME MA PANTS!! you should alredy now that i want them annd not have ta ask for all that stuf. besides, i gave you all that inform stuf last tim i cald. i only cald last yer for ma hat, u shod no ho i am. ples send me ma pants that you have in this here catel thingy that you keep sending me evry month.

singed,
haf nekednfrezing

Dear Mr. Nekednfrezing,
After checking our records, we have no record of your purchase. As such, we do NOT sell Pink Camo pants. We received several complaints from various countries threatening a lawsuit because several thousand people went blind so all pairs not sold along with all recalled purchased pairs were burned. We have removed your address from the mailing list. Have a good day.
Signed,
Cam Opants
P.S. Please present this letter to the local Smears store for 50% off a electronic spell checker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Train company,
HOW DARE YOU RUN OVER MY CAR WITH YOUR TRAIN WHILE I WAS IN THE HARDWARE STORE?!?!? I only parked my bright fluorescent Pink car on the side of the road by the flashing light gates and when I came out there was a train in the side of my car and then the police presented me with a ticket. I demand you pay my ticket, buy me a new car, fire the incompetent engineer and give me free passenger train tickets to anywhere I want to go or life. If you do not, I will get a lawyer.
Signed,
Rail Kaner

purplecat41877
08-02-2014, 04:53 AM
Dear Mr. Kaner,

Parking on the railroad tracks is illegal and the train couldn't stop in time. You will need to pay the ticket and contact your insurance company about replacing your car. We won't be firing the engineer. Your request for free tickets is also denied.

Sincerely,

C. A. Boose
Train Manager



Dear Daycare Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was light up a cigarette in the toddler room because the toddlers were driving me up the wall. I demand you give me my job back and allow me to smoke all I want on the job. If you don't, I will come into the center and put a pack of unwrapped cigarettes in each toy box.

Sincerely,

Virginia Newport

Seanette
08-02-2014, 05:26 AM
Ms. Newport:
Not only did two children with asthma require emergency medical care as a result of your blowing smoke directly into their faces, but you set fire to the building AND caused us to lose our license, thereby putting ALL who worked there out of a job. I do hope you enjoy all the court dates you'll have in the near future, since the parents of the aforementioned asthmatic children, several of your former co-workers, and I are all suing you for damages caused by your willful violation of laws regulating childcare facilities, and various insurance companies also want to chat with you about recouping the claims they had to pay as a result of your actions. Then there's the chat the fire department and the police want to have with you about taking your lighter to the curtains.....

In short: there is no job for you to get back, even if I were so stupid and/or insane as to want you anywhere near anyone I'm responsible for. You're going to be too busy for quite some time anyway, with all those legal issues.

Thanks for the laugh, though.

Outa Business, FORMER Daycare Manager

---------------
Dear Thrift Store Manager:
How dare you make me leave my backpack with security? Just because that would be a great way to steal merchandise, and your store does have problems with people who do just that, doesn't give you any right to treat me just like any other customer. Are you too stupid to know that *I'M* too special to have rules apply to me???

And when I do make a purchase, your bratty cashiers need to stop counting my items and just accept what I tell them!!!! Double-checking my count is treating me like a criminal!!!!

E. W. Snoeflayke

Kristev
08-05-2014, 06:59 PM
Dear E. W. Snoeflayke,

We expect everyone to leave their backpacks with security. I don't even let my employees bring their purses to work any longer! I don't like thieves of any kind. Anything that takes money out of my pocket without my permission makes me quite irate. And by the way, there's only one person who is special in my store - me! But if you want special rules, you shall have them: From now on, you will be hit with a five dollar surcharge every time you enter my store. Feel special now?

Signed, Penny Miser, owner of Penny Miser's thrift shop.

Dear Mockolates Healthy Candies and Confections,

I ordered the special Diet Chocolate Caramel Fudge, and the Slimational chocolate cake which your company also sells, as a surprise for my girlfriend, Miss Thynne Asa Rayke. I brought it to her house, and presented them to her. She acted insulted, yet she seemed to be trying to hide it. When I yelled and screamed, demanding that she tell me what was wrong with the gift, she said she was allergic to sugar substitutes. So I took my gift back to your store, and they wouldn't accept the refund!

I am furious! I demand that you honor the refunds, you brainless idiots who wouldn't know good chocolate if it kissed you! I want you to give me free products for the rest of my life. I also expect you to pay me a million dollars and give me one of your young girl employees, about age twenty or so, as my new girlfriend as Thynne threw me out of her house and threw the engagement ring at me as soon as I was outside. Someone good and submissive should do. I really hate bossy, determined people who simply must have their own way! Now give me my way, or else I'm going to unleash mice and rodents all over your factory!

Signed, Mr. Knott Knysse.

OOG: Mockolates Healthy Candies & Confections is a deliberate twist of chocolate, or rather, a mockery of chocolate. As a result, it is a company that makes products that have the taste of chocolate, but none of the negative things that come with it. Enjoy.

purplecat41877
08-08-2014, 10:46 AM
Dear Mr. Knysse,

You should've found out about your girlfriends allergies before you made your purchase. Therefore, you'll receive nothing and the police have been notified about your threat.

Sincerely,

D. I. Etslim
Manager



Dear Detergent Company,

I recently decided to try your soap since a friend recommended it. When I checked the instructions, it said to add one cap full so I filled a baseball cap with your soap. I ended up with suds all over the laundry room which took a long time to clean. I demand you clarify which cap you mean or I will announce on YouTube that you don't clarify what cap to use.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

catcul
08-08-2014, 08:48 PM
Dear Mrs. Literal,

When we say "cap full," we mean the cap that comes with the bottle. We didn't know that you could fill a baseball cap with liquid detergent. When we tried it, the detergent kept dribbling out the back.

I would advise buying a wet/dry vacuum cleaner in case you have a water incident.

Sincerely,

Pristine Chasity, Customer Relations Officer, Mega & Armor

-----

Dear Website,

How dare you have a page 69? What kind of smut are you trying to peddle our children? I demand that you remove it immediately.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Uptight

Tyg3rW01f
08-10-2014, 07:56 PM
Mrs. Uptight

We, the moderator staff of WeAreNotSheep.frm (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1103263&postcount=824) are going to reply to your request thusly:

No.

As we are the largest Government Skullduggery exposure site on the SpammerWeb, it is not possible for us to remove an entire page of some 907,361 posts. That would not only help you, the free-press-suppressing government, but also assist in the repression of The People's right to information.

Sincerely hoping you all *&# off,
Josiah Webley
WeAreNotSheep.frm Moderator and IRS flunky (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showpost.php?p=1103263&postcount=824)

--------
((After a few days contemplation I remembered it's a CUSTOMER complaint letter.))

CruiserWorld Magazine,

Recently, I would up losing my Barely Mobileson cruiser motorcycle because of impact-incurred damages, and am in the market for a new bike. I saw your mag in the grocery store where I buy my age-restricted beverages, and thought, "Hey, good place to look!" I am appalled. Your magazing says "Cruiser"World on the cover, but there are no cruisers for sale within its pages; nothing but aftermarket parts and apparel!

I demand you stop falsely advertising your magazine, and find me a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser immediately!

Upset and Appalled,
Dr. Unk Ni Briated

darkroxas45
08-13-2014, 03:47 AM
CruiserWorld Magazine,

Recently, I would up losing my Barely Mobileson cruiser motorcycle because of impact-incurred damages, and am in the market for a new bike. I saw your mag in the grocery store where I buy my age-restricted beverages, and thought, "Hey, good place to look!" I am appalled. Your magazing says "Cruiser"World on the cover, but there are no cruisers for sale within its pages; nothing but aftermarket parts and apparel!

I demand you stop falsely advertising your magazine, and find me a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser immediately!

Upset and Appalled,
Dr. Unk Ni Briated

Dear Mr. Briated,
Your request is denied as it says right on the cover "your best place for aftermarket part and accessories" and the photo was of a complete N20 system. How you thought we offered cruisers, we don't know. Your demand that we find you a new 2014 Barely Mobileson cruiser is denied.
John Part
Senior Editor for Cruiser World


Dear Acme Grocery,
I was angered when your deli person refused to serve me. They told me to go home and call back another day. All I wanted was 50 pounds of various meats and cheeses. I demand the people working that day be fired and I be given a $1000 gift card and free groceries for the life of my bloodline. If these are not met I will sue your company.
Signed,
Chaz Ham

cindybubbles
08-14-2014, 08:31 PM
Dear Mr. (or Mrs.? Miss? Ms.?) Ham:

Unfortunately, since we live in Meatville, our company policy requires us to turn you over to your fellow customers, whom you would have starved of meat had our vigilant employees not stopped you.

They're not usually cannibals, but they ARE meat-crazy people who hate fruits and vegetables with a passion.

By the way, did I mention how delicious you looked that day?

Signed,

Wile E. Coyote
Meat Manager
Acme Grocery

Dear Firefighting Department:

Why did you have to, as you say, "save me?" I was only doing a pole dancing skit with flaming furniture as part of my YouTube video series!

I demand that you give me new furniture and flooring so that I can do my flaming pole dancing in peace!

Sincerely,

Fiery Red Pole-Riding Hood

purplecat41877
08-17-2014, 10:32 AM
Dear Ms. Pole-Riding Hood,

I would recommend getting official training for stunts like that since you set fire to the rest of the room. You need to contact your insurance company if you want your furniture and flooring replaced.

Sincerely,

Dal Mation
Firefighter Chief



Dear Restaurant Manager,

You had no right to throw me out of the restaurant! All I did was punch the waitress because she messed up my order! I demand you fire the waitress and give me free meals for life. If you don't, I will grab a pitcher of ice water and dump it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mr. Particular

darkroxas45
08-17-2014, 03:46 PM
Dear Restaurant Manager,

You had no right to throw me out of the restaurant! All I did was punch the waitress because she messed up my order! I demand you fire the waitress and give me free meals for life. If you don't, I will grab a pitcher of ice water and dump it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mr. Particular

Dear Mr. Particular,
We threw you out because you punched a pregnant waitress, IN THE STOMACH. After you ran off, we had to call an ambulance for the waitress and thankfully, she and her baby are going to be fine. I should also note that we called the police and gave them a description of you and now that we have your address from this letter, we will be calling them and sending them to your house. Your demand that we fire the waitress is denied as is your demand for free food. As for your threat of dumping ice water on our heads, we say, bring it on! We would love to film it and post it to BookFace is support of the ALS Ice Bucket challenge.
signed,
F. Ood
Manager
Foodie Restaurant


Dear Nosex Cell phone company,
I went into one of your stores the other day to get a replacement cell phone and your employee was so rude. She told em she would not replace my phone. All I did was drop it in a lake while I was fishing so I could see where the fish were. I am app...apa...angry with the horrible customer service I was given. I demand a new smart phone, a million years free service, the employee be fired, and $1000 as compensation for my trouble or else I'll figure out that there intermaweb thing and give ya'll a one star review on yelp.

Bobby John Lumpkin

catcul
08-19-2014, 04:46 AM
Dear Mr. Lumpkin,

You sign a contract with us saying that your phone insurance would not cover water damage. Even if we did, we still wouldn't replace it since you admitted it was still at the bottom of the lake. If you want to make calls again, you're just going to buy a new phone.

Also, if you want to give a one star Yelp review, you better hurry. Yelp might be shutting down soon (http://www.fratching.com/showthread.php?t=9163).

Sincerely,

Billy Nosex, Nosex Celluar

-----

Dear Interweb Computer Supply,

I recently bought a computer from you for $60. When I got it home to plug it in, I found that there were no places to plug any of the cords. In fact, there were holes where there were supposed to plug my cables. When my brother, the IT expert, opened the case, he said that there was nothing in it. How could you sell me an empty case? I want you to rectify this immediately or I will cut the power to your store so you can't use your own computers either.

Sincerely,

Imma Luddite

Kristev
08-21-2014, 03:23 AM
Dear Ms. Luddite,

We apologize to you, but Interweb Computer Supply has gone out of business and have left no forwarding address. It seems that they dealt only in useless computer parts and refurbished stolen computers, and when they started to realize one of our officers was there working undercover as part of a sting operation, they closed and went with the wind.

You and seven other people have been notified, and please know we will do everything we can to track down these criminals and bring them to justice,

Sincerely, Detective Hercule Javert.

Dear Seasoned Chef cooking supply emporium,

I went to your store because I love watching the Paulette Green show, and wanted to be able to cook just like her. And since she constantly says that your cooking products are the best she's ever cooked with, and plugs them on every show, I went to your store and spent a fortune. But well, "Quality costs money," she says.

The problem is that when I was done cooking the Thanksgiving feast for my family, I decided to clean up my oven after I cleaned up the rest of the house. But your useless pots and pans were in that oven when I cleaned it, since they were dirty too. Try as I might, all my steel scrubby managed to do was scratch up those non-stick pans. What else could I do?

Now I'm left with ruined pans and a ruined kitchen and a dirty house and a ruined television, since I decided to throw my shoe at Paulette when she was on the t. v. last night.

I demand a full refund on my pots and pans, and spatulas and all the rest of the cooking supplies I bought from your store. And if you won't give it to me, I'll march right into that store of yours with the assault rifle I've secretly bought for my husband's Christmas present and make you give me a full refund, along with all the rest of the money you've got in there. You can't get away with selling shoddy merchandise! I won't let you!

Signed, Sherry Nipper, the food fighter.

purplecat41877
08-21-2014, 02:43 PM
Dear Ms. Nipper,

Cooking items either need to be hand washed or put in the dishwasher. All of your requests are denied at we've notified the police about your threat.

Sincerely,

C. O. Oker
Manager


Dear Water Company,

Where do you get off sending a bill for water? I end up paying a lot every month for something that should be supplied for free. I demand you stop charging me for water. If you don't, I will set fire to some nearby bushes.

Sincerely,

Donna Wanda Pay

Kristev
08-21-2014, 10:44 PM
Dear Ms. Pay,

We understand that you've become adverse to paying for your utility bills. Therefore, our standard reply is: We're going to turn it off. We won't be bringing you power (or water.) If it comes down the line, it's intermittently until you pay your fees. We're the utility company!

And we've got Spiderman waiting for you if you dare to set off a deliberate fire . . . He won't talk . . . he won't have to . . .

Cal Extions,

Representative of Aquarius Utilities.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Dear Spendy's,

I went to your store to return the brand new dress my wife bought last week, but they refused to let me return it. How dare you refuse to give me back my thousand dollars for a dress I didn't tell her she could buy? Just because it had a little stain from red wine that I threw at her when the receipt fell out of her purse at the party last Saturday night is no reason that you can't give me back my hard-earned money! It's my money, and I want it now! Or would you care to have me come in and spray bleach all over those overpriced and god-awful clothes you sell?

Signed,

Mr. Cheap Skate.

XCashier
08-22-2014, 04:24 PM
Dear Mr. Cheap Skate,

The dress is being held as evidence by the police. While you were in our store haranguing our employees, your wife called the police to report her battery at your hands. You weren't exactly truthful in your letter; you didn't throw a glassful of wine at your wife, you smashed the bottle over her shoulder.

So not only are you not getting a refund, I have forwarded the address you so stupidly put on your complaint letter to the police department. We'll be seeing you in 10-20 years.

Regards,
Law Fullman, manager
Spendy's Women's Clothing

* * * * *

Dear Optical Palace,

I went in and bought a pair of glasses off your wall. They're defective! I can't see a darn thing out of them! I want my money back and a pair of glasses that do work!

Regards,
A. Stigmatism

Tyg3rW01f
08-27-2014, 06:51 AM
*youtube film of Optical Palace staff reading letter and laughing their asses off as one points at the "Display Only" sign*
Heeeeerrre's yer sign!

-----
Dear Big-Box Movie Store,
Recently I spent $200 in your store, enjoying a weekend of Tim Curry films: Clue, Legend, Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Three Musketeers, Muppet's Treasure Island, and It.
Now I can watch ANY tim Curry film without seeing Darkness in coat-tails, Cardinal's cape, fishnets, a pirate hat, and clown make-up!
I demand you give my money back and pay for my therapy sessions!

Needs T. H. Erapy

Tama
08-27-2014, 08:52 AM
Dear Mr. Erapy,

You get no money back. This is your own fault. Next time watch a Care Bears marathon.

Sincerely,

Currysvoice I. Searsecchs



Dear Used Book store,

My husband bought a bunch of old erotic novels from you for his mistress. I demand you give me $100,000 and pay for my divorce or I will tell everyone you condone affairs, and also sue you into oblivion. I'd burn your store down, but I want your books, so I'll burn your car instead!

Sincerely,

Cheatedon Bibliophile

purplecat41877
08-30-2014, 09:17 AM
Dear Ms. Bibliophile,

We have no control over the books once they leave the store. If you want a divorce, you need to contact a divorce lawyer. You won't receive one cent from me. If you go near my car or store, I will contact the police to arrest you.

Sincerely,

Reed Er
Store Owner



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I come to United States with my family for vacation. I enter your store and your staff was very rude. One employee offer to show me where items were instead of getting them for me. When I go to pay, I tell checker how much I want to pay for each item but she scan each item instead. I pay for items and storm out since I did not receive good customer service. I demand you train your employees better or I will tell my friends and family about the bad customer service when I go back to my country.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Foreign

Kristev
08-31-2014, 12:27 AM
We remember you, Mrs. Foreign. There was a clear language barrier. It was quite a debacle. None of our staff could discern what you wanted Of course you got mad and stormed out. So I am personally requiring my staff to take foreign language courses. They will all be required to be multi-lingual. Hopefully this resolves all problems and we'd appreciate your business back in our store . . . when our staff are finished training. But we must, unfortunately, charge you the enclosed bill (at our highest discount, please understand) for the merchandise you ruined when you threw it on your way out. You do your part, we'll do ours.

Signed,

Polly Glott, Owner of Global Neighborhood Market.

Dear Triumphant Chariot Car Dealership,

My boyfriend and I took one of your cars out for a test drive with your employee, Patty, whom I shall nickname Panicky Patty. I drove the car with the greatest of care, but Patty failed to tell me it was a standard. I'm used to automatics. Nor did she mention that the emergency break was in the wrong position. In a way, it's my now ex-boyfriend's fault because he kept Patty talking and talking and talking. It was as if he was dating her! Why did you allow her to wear such a short-cut skirt?

Well, as I drove around for the test drive, I decided to go ahead and do my shopping. After all, our car is quite unreliable and so I didn't dare drive it all over town. But after I finished my shopping, Patty finally started talking to me, or rather, screaming at me that I'd missed a red light. It's not my fault. My sister called me on the phone. I had to answer her! And the next thing I know, some jerk crossing the street in a big truck, going the wrong way, crashes right into us! We all could've been killed!

I demand that you pay my medical bills, fire Patty, and sell cars with good breaks! Perhaps cars that do all the driving for you so you don't have to do anything. If you don't, I'll go to your dealership and drive away with the car of my choice, and if you try to stop me, the employee of my choice as well. I need a new boyfriend, after all . . .

Signed,

Dee F. Lectblame.

purplecat41877
09-03-2014, 04:30 AM
Dear Ms. Lectblame,

Patty was there to make sure the car was driven safely and the call to your sister could've waited. She is now in the hospital because you didn't pay attention to the road. We will not pay you medical bills or fire Patty. If you come near this dealership again, you will be arrested.

Sincerely,

V. E. Hicle
Manager



Dear Pop Star Audition Manager,

Where do you get off not accepting me? All I did was sing and dance in my bikini. I demand you get me a spot in the performance show. If you don't, I will run across stage wearing nothing during one of the performances.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Dramatic

XCashier
09-03-2014, 06:22 PM
Dear Ms. Dramatic,

If you audition frequently, you must know that you will not be cast in every play. We must choose who will fit in the play. Considering we were holding auditions for the Children's Theater performance of The Sound Of Music, there were many children in attendance, and your performance of "Dance Ten, Looks Three" from A Chorus Line while wearing a see-through bikini was...highly inappropriate, at the very least, you should be grateful we merely had you escorted out and not arrested.

I do know that Lively Arts Theater across town is holding auditions for Hair, and Downtown Theater is holding auditions for The Rocky Horror Show. Your performance might go over better at either of those two venues.

Break a leg!
Sincerely,
Ry Sing-Starr, manager
Pop Star Auditions

* * * * *

Dear Paint Store,

I was at the park and wanted to sit down. I saw a bench, threw away some silly sign that was propped up there, and sat down, and now I've got your paint all over my clothes! I demand compensation! You'd better give me $100,000 for a whole new wardrobe or I'll see you in court!

Sincerely,
Kent Readsigns

Kristev
09-05-2014, 11:12 PM
Dear Mr. Readsigns

Our lovely lemon yellow signs catch everyone's eyes. As do our scarlet letters that declare "Don't sit there!" One of our employees saw the aquamarine suit you were wearing, straight from the 70's, she said. Sitting on the paint greatly improved your suit, giving it mahogany stripes. We won't be giving you any money, but we would like to take your picture. We've a big book full of people who our paint has really helped.

Artfully yours,

Miss Crayola Prang,

Manager of Rainbow On Your Window.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mal-Mart,

How dare you call the police on me? You should have thanked me for spending over a thousand dollars, in cash, in your store! Instead, you call the cops on me. How dare you? I've done nothing wrong. My money's just as good as everyone else's - in fact, it's better!

I made my money on the . . . I mean, through the hard labor and toil of my employees. I demand that you withdraw your complaint! If you refuse, I'll go yo your store and replace every bill you have there with fake bills! I know exactly how to do it and one of my . . . best friends works for your store and has access to your safe!

Signed

Count Erfeit.

purplecat41877
09-08-2014, 05:11 AM
Dear Mr. Erfeit,

What you did was illegal and the complaint won't be withdrawn. Also, your friend is aware of the situation and he will not access the safe for you.

Sincerely,

C. Ashbill
Manager



Dear Computer Company,

Where do you get off sending an unattractive man to help me? I wanted someone handsome to come help me set up the wireless on my laptop so I could fall for him. I demand you send me a handsome man that's single. If you don't, I will put a virus on my laptop.

Sincerely,

Anita Date

catcul
09-22-2014, 01:23 AM
Dear Miss Date,

We at Digits Repair, LLC, hire the best guys to repair computer problems. We do not discriminate due to looks. We will send the technician who is available. If you put a virus on your laptop, we will charge you if you want it removed.

Sincerely,

Al Digit, Digits Repair, LLC

-----

Dear Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company,

How dare you sell me a defective cake? Last week, I bought an ice cream cake for my son's fifth birthday. I picked it up about four hours before the party and it looked great. When the party started, I went to take it out of the oven. My cake turned into a disgusting pile of goo. Obviously, this cake was defective.

I demand that you refund my money immediately or I will tell everyone how you sell defective ice cream cakes.

Sincerely,

Duane Calor

XCashier
09-22-2014, 02:13 AM
Dear Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company,

How dare you sell me a defective cake? Last week, I bought an ice cream cake for my son's fifth birthday. I picked it up about four hours before the party and it looked great. When the party started, I went to take it out of the oven. My cake turned into a disgusting pile of goo. Obviously, this cake was defective.

I demand that you refund my money immediately or I will tell everyone how you sell defective ice cream cakes.

Sincerely,

Duane Calor
(Hee hee! I remember that story (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=67174)! :lol: )

Dear Mr. Calor,

All of our ice cream cake boxes are clearly marked "Keep Frozen; Keep Away From Heat". Why would you, upon receiving a box marked "Keep Frozen" put the contents in the oven?! What part of "ice cream cake" don't you understand?!

You will not be receiving any refund; however, I am sending you a brochure for a very good remedial reading teacher. You can clearly use her services.

Sincerely,
K. Ken Icecream, owner,
Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company

*****

Dear Morbid Mansion,

I took my family to your place for a good fun Halloween. You frightened my children! My little two and four-year-old kids now have nightmares after seeing realistic zombies, vampires and witches and hearing blood-curdling screams! How dare you frighten children like that! I demand a full refund and $10,000,000 for therapy for my little darlings for the rest of their lives.

Sincerely,
Stu Pidparent

catcul
09-22-2014, 04:29 AM
(Hee hee! I remember that story (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=67174)! :lol: )

(I didn't know about that story. I got the idea from here (http://notalwaysright.com/should-have-been-a-piece-of-cake/39229). :lol:)

Dear Pidparent,

I told you before you before that the haunted house I operate can frighten small children. We even have a sign that says this house may not be appropriate for children under 13. Everything that we do, we try to be as realistic as possible. If you want to celebrate Halloween in a more age appropriate way for a four-year-old and a two-year-old, I would suggest looking up "Scary (http://garfield.com/game/scary-scavenger-hunt) Scavenger Hunt (http://garfield.com/game/scary-scavenger-hunt-2)" or asking the local party store for ideas. Don't worry, I doubt that Garfield will scare children.

Sincerely,

Vlad Lovecraft

-----

Dear Family Mart,

I called up your store because my girl and me wanted to spice up our love life. I was asking about getting a vibrator from your store. I believe that rude employee that answered the phone was laughing at me. First, he suggested that you have back massagers. I told him that I wanted something for lower on the body. That when he suggested foot massagers. I told him I didn't want to go that low. He then suggested that I could use the back massager for a leg massage as long as I didn't sit on it. I wanted something between the legs. That's when he suggested that I try the internet.

I don't want to wait that long for a vibrator. I suggest that you carry vibrators and retrain that guy answering the phones.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

(Yes, this is a case of catcul being shameless (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=96028), again.:devil:)

Kristev
09-22-2014, 11:43 PM
OOC: Mr. Pidparent must be a cousin to Mr. Lackinal Judgment, pg

BIC: Dear Mr. Rection,

We don't cater to filth here. This is a family store. Down & Dirty is two blocks away, and they'll happily meet your wishes. We will, however, sell you the antibiotics you'll require afterwards at our pharmacy.

Signed,

Anna Propriate.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wonder-works cosmetics company,

I do my best to blend in to any situation, since I'm a professional thief who makes a killing because nobody notices me unless I want them to. And one of the best ways I've found to blend in is with your Literal Vanishing Cream. I ordered some of your top-notch vanishing cream, and it worked. I used it to make myself completely invisible. I even smothered my bag with your stuff, and it vanished, too, so I know your stuff works! Then I went right down to Heavenly Bill's clothing & jewelery and helped myself to all the merchandise I liked. But then I saw this dress and I just had to have it. But the cream would ruin it, so instead, I put the dress on and started acting like a ghost, scaring everyone I came across and making them all flee.

But then some meddlesome woman at the perfume counter sprayed me in the face with a bottle of perfume when I passed her, and your vanishing cream washed off of my face!

Naturally I had to flee before everyone saw me for who I really was, but unfortunately, now that they knew I wasn't a ghost, they sent their security guard after me. He caught me at the door, and forced me to give up my bag. They confiscated everything I had put in there, and dragged me to a sprinkler.

Then the security guard flicked his lighter right under the sprinkler and it washed away all of the cream, ruining the dress anyway and exposing me, literally, for all to see.

I am so embarrassed, and so angry! I demand that you send me a lifetime supply of your vanishing cream, as well as providing me a lawyer and bail money to get out of this cell so I can go back to Heavenly Bill's and reclaim my rightful property! If you don't, I will go straight your corporate headquarters and steal all your recipes for your cosmetics. I just know your rivals will gladly pay dearly to get access to your secrets, and you will pay dearly to prevent them from getting it, so shall we make a deal, or do I have to give myself the five-finger discount with you people? Because it was your lousy cream that got me in to this, and you people will get me out, or else I'll get out and then I'll get you!

Signed,

Miss Cammie Leon, master of invisibility, disguise, and camouflage.

purplecat41877
09-26-2014, 09:57 AM
Dear Ms. Leon,

What you did was illegal. Therefore, you won't be getting anything except a possible prison sentence.

Sincerely,

C. Osmetic
Makeup Manager



Dear State Prison Warden,

Where do you get off denying my parole? All I did was fill out the form with fictional answers. I demand you grant my parole at once. If you don't, I will dump the leftover food on the clean laundry.

Sincerely,

Miss Denied

catcul
09-28-2014, 02:27 AM
Dear Miss Denied,

You admitted that you falsified your parole request form, and you threatened to damage public property. That is why you were denied parole. Just consider yourself lucky we don't charge you with perjury.

Sincerely,

Yale Schlage

-----

Dear Adam Mansbach,

I just saw your book, "You Have to F:censored:king Eat." No, I don't need to f:censored:king eat. I just ate dammit. Also, don't tell me to go the f:censored:k to sleep. I will go to sleep when I'm f:censored:king ready. If you don't stop telling me what to f:censored:king, I will tell you to get the f:censored:k off the f:censored:king internet.

F:censored:k you,

Quen-Tan Tara-Tino

purplecat41877
09-28-2014, 09:00 AM
Dear Quen-Tan Tara-Tino,

You need to eat and sleep in order to live but you can decide when to do those things. Also, I would suggest toning down the language.

Sincerely,

Adam Mansbach



Dear Fictionpress.com Owner,

Where do you get off allowing my 8 year old daughter to read "Revenge of the Exgirlfriend" (https://www.fictionpress.com/s/2962520/1/Revenge-of-the-Exgirlfriend) (NSFW/NSFC)? She ended up having nightmares after reading that story. I demand you remove that story at once. If you don't, I will hack into your website and remove any stories that are inappropriate for my daughter.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Reader

catcul
10-04-2014, 06:43 PM
Dear Mrs. Reader,

Where do you get off allowing your 8-year-old daughter on the internet? You are not supposed to let anyone under the age of 13 on the internet. However, if you are going to let your daughter on the internet, I would suggest programs like "Net Nanny" or "Cyber Sitter." If you do hack our website, we will report you to the FBI.

Sincerely,

"Purple" Catherine Righter

-----

Dear City Police Dept.,

I was talking to my neighbor who was in a van when this red SUV drove up and almost hit me. When the police man behind him pulled up, he stopped and talked to me and my neighbor in the van. When we went into the nearby parking lot, he muttered things like "dangerous situation" and "impeding the flow of traffic. He said that we should consider ourselves lucky since we didn't get hit by a car and he issued us a warning instead of ticketing us for $500.

Why didn't he go after the maniac in the SUV? That guy had to be going at least 30 miles per hour. Why don't you go after people like him so it will be safer for people like me to stand in the middle of the street.

Sincerely,

Almos Flattilla

Tyg3rW01f
10-05-2014, 02:47 PM
Dear Almos T. Flattilla,
The officer, Luther "Suitcase" Simpson, was correct in citing you for impeding the flow of traffic, as you were discussing your affairs on Main Street in the midst of the day.
As you have required the Paradise, Massachusetts, Police Department to waste precious time, you will find a citation for your actions enclosed.

Enjoy.
Chief Jesse Stone
Paradise Police

-----

To the programmers of Craptivision Games
I have a beef with your latest game, Left Alive X. EVERYONE knows the zombie genre is complete BS, and the fact "Illness-Induced Zombie Pandemic 38" was a box-office bomb proves it.
Also, you people REALLY need to go back to school! AK 47 and M16 rifles did not exist in 1700s Salem, Massachusetts!!
WTF?!
Also, WHY did you even bother putting the "Parental Advisory" label on the box when you know --and COUNT ON-- parents are just going to buy the game for their 8 year olds anyway?!
Stu P. Idgamer

catcul
10-05-2014, 09:51 PM
Dear Mr. Idgamer,

First of all, we here at Captovision Games don't appreciate your misspelling of our company name. As for our game "Left Alive X," this is a time travel adventure in which the villain tries to take over the world by going back to 1776 and conquering the 13 colonies. That's why there are AK-47 and M16 rifles in 1776 Salem, Massachusetts. Also, the ESRB has put a Mature rating so that the Federal Government doesn't breathe down our necks again.

Sincerely,

Steven Romero

-----

Dear Rainbow Day Care,

How dare you fire me? After I was supposed to get off, I was showing the children my new laptop. I decided to entertain them by playing my favorite fighting game, "Bloody Rekoning." The next day, I was called into the office. You muttered something about "inappropriate" and "giving the children nightmares." I don't see a problem. The children were enjoying themselves.

I was going to threaten you, but I realize that extortion is illegal. So, I reported you for all the pirated software that you're using. Good luck in the upcoming lawsuits.

Sincerely,

"Natzo" Stu P. Idgamer

Kristev
10-06-2014, 01:54 AM
Dear Mr. Idgamer,

Son, you know I tried my whole life to shelter you from such things as games like that, but once you turned eighteen, I decided it was time to let you make your own decisions.

And when you needed a job, I hired you here. I thought you were really showing maturity working as the janitor here. But then, as I was opening up the daycare for the day, Miss Shielder finds you showing the children that game! Yes, they did enjoy themselves, but that's not the point. That kind of graphic violence isn't healthy. We spend all day that day with four incidents of repeat violence imitating the things they saw in that game, with one kid almost needing to go to the hospital if Mrs. Hawk hadn't seen what was happening and intervened in time.

Son, how can you claim I am making use of pirated software when it all came from you? Or did you not realize that I had your sister install video cameras in every room? If anyone is going to prison, it's going to be you. That breaks my heart, son. I tried my best, but I'm afraid it's a case of nature against nurture, after all. Maybe going to jail will be the making of you, but more likely, it'll only make you a lost cause. I tried, honey. I tried.

Sincerely,

Dr. Scarlet Lavender Peacock, ex wife of Stu P. Idgamer Sr.

Child psychologist & owner of Rainbow Day Care.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Specific Mills,

I went to the Great Granary Grocery, and bought a box of your Cinnamon Surprise cereal, which tastes just like cinnamon toast and has a wonderful surprise in every box. Well, I got there and found there were only two boxes left, one of them in the hands of a little boy.

Since your promotion was that one out of every thousand boxes will contain money, with one box containing one million dollars, I had to take my chance. I took the box the boy had, only to have his mother take it back from me when she heard her son crying. We got into a tug of war resulting in the box breaking apart all over the floor. There was nothing but a Sharkwoman figurine in the mess, so I just took the box I could still get, and all the boxes from that woman's cart while she tended to her son, and left.

In those boxes, I found a gift card for five free song downloads, a coupon for a free ice cream cone, a figurine of Sharkwoman's archenemy, Dr. Pollution, and one hundred dollars.

One hundred dollars? And all that useless junk? That's not right! I want my million dollars! I demand that you give me a million dollars, and a lifetime supply of Cinnamon Surprise, for all the aggravation I have had to go through trying to get that million dollars.

If you don't, I will go to every store in town and open every box until I find my million, and then I will sue you for failing to put the million dollars in any box. And I'll win! Remember McDonalds and the Monopoly lawsuit?

Signed,

Midas Flintheart,

purplecat41877
10-10-2014, 06:38 AM
Dear Mr. Flintheart,

Several customers buy this cereal so your chances of getting a million are pretty slim. As for the million dollars, you'll just have to find the right box which might take a while and there's a chance that someone else might get the box with the million dollars.

Sincerely,

Gen Eral
Manager



Dear Mattress Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was spray paint the prices on the mattresses. I demand you drop the charges and hire me to work at your store. If you don't, I will send a fictional termination letter to the employee that caught me spray painting the mattresses.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Spraypainter

Tyg3rW01f
10-13-2014, 06:16 PM
Mrs. Spraypainter,
I beat you to that letter.
You are still not allowed in our store.

Manager with Spine

------
Alphabet-Letter TV
I want to post a complaint! Your meteorologist is an inconsiderate jerk! I was planning to attend the recent Civil War reenactment in my hometown, but it RAINED! ALL WEEKEND! The event was RUINED.
I expect courtesy from our pubic servants, and in payment for this horrible service, I request $8 million in hush-money, or I'll never watch your channel again!

Spect Ator

purplecat41877
10-15-2014, 11:56 AM
Dear Mr. Ator,

We have no control over the weather and the meteorologist was just doing his job. However, the Civil War event has been rescheduled but you won't get one dime from us.

Sincerely,

T. E. Levision
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was at the checkout, a very pretty girl was ringing me up. I asked her out on a date and she had the nerve to turn me down and told me that she had a boyfriend. When I tried to kiss her, she had the nerve to back away and call security who escorted me out of the store without my groceries. I demand you tell the checker that she has to go out on a date with me or she's fired or I will come to your store with a boom box and play loud music with bad language at full volume.

Sincerely,

Mr. Creepy

Sarlon
10-15-2014, 06:04 PM
Dear mr. Creepy,

Thank you so much for providing me with your mailing address, the officers will be serving you with a restraining order against my girlfriend by tomorrow.

We are engaged to be married and I do not appericate men who disrespect women to think they are property.

Sincerely,
T. Magnum
Store Manager

---------------------

Dear Grocery store,

I recently hurt my leg, mind you not in your fine store, and was in need of some groceries. Upon entering your store, I saw 2 electronic carts plugged in and waiting by the front of the where they are normally kept. As I hobbled my way on crutches to claim one of them to assist in my shopping experience, a rather large portly woman shoved past me and grabbed one of them, smirking at me the entire time. Your employee informed me that the other cart was not fully charged and she could not tell that woman to give me the cart she so rudely took.

I DEMAND personal shopping help every time i am in there for the next year while my leg heals, and a $500000000000 gift card to buy my groceries! Or I will take my business else where! I shop in your store and spend thousands of dollars espically during the holiday season, with my huge family coming in to eat!

Not so friendly,
Anne Noyance

(first part of this story is true, thankfully the cashier got one of the baggers to grab the one thing I needed and then helped me carry it out to my car. It was also 10pm at night and almost no other customers in the store).

XCashier
10-16-2014, 12:11 AM
Dear Ms. Noyance,

I certainly sympathize with your plight, and agree the other woman was very rude to push you aside like that. Unfortunately, we simply do not have enough staff to do your shopping for you, especially when you've got a five-page shopping list.

We cannot give you the money; however, we are getting two more electric carts from Corporate with stronger batteries that hold charges much longer. This should alleviate the problems with cart scarcity.

As for the rude customer...well, last time one of my staff confronted a customer like that, he ended up in the hospital with a concussion after the customer slammed him into a wall. We cannot put our staff in danger like that, so we've forbidden them to confront rude people, and are in the process of getting a security guard. We hope to have things going smoothly again very soon.

Sincerely,
Ray Sing-Prices, owner,
Ray's Groceries

* * * * *

Dear store owner,

All I wanted was to get one thing and get out, quickly. But no, your stupid sales clerk insisted on trying to make small talk as she was ringing me out. Let's get one thing straight: I do NOT talk to those who are beneath me. I don't give a damn about those pathetic wretches you have working for you, and I certainly don't want to hear their stupid babbling!

I demand a gift card for $1000 for my inconvenience, and for you to train your little wage-slaves to shut up and do their work, or all of my friends and I shall boycott your store and go to the media about you!

Sincerely,
Arra Gant-Snob

purplecat41877
10-17-2014, 08:31 AM
Dear Ms. Gant-Snob,

We encourage our employees to interact with the customers so they can have a pleasant shopping experience. Therefore, you won't be getting a gift card.

Sincerely,

Store Owner



Dear Fitness Center Manager,

You had no right to kick me out of the fitness center. All I did was smoke a cigarette while I was on the treadmill. I demand free membership for life and to be allowed to smoke all I want in any location of the fitness center. If you don't, I will burn down the building.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smoker

catcul
10-18-2014, 07:55 AM
Dear Mrs. Smoker,

The city has banned smoking in public buildings like our gym. We were forced to remove you from our gym. However, even without the law, we would have forced you to leave. Our health conscious members do not want to work out while choking on cigarette smoke. Since you threatened to commit arson, we have forwarded your letter to the police. You can burn up in the cooler.

Sincerely,

Eddie Atlas, Atlas Fitness Center

-----

Dear Bank,

The other day, this woman brought this box into my shipping store. This thing was the size of a small coffin and was really heavy. The label said it was 3 ft x 2 ft x 1 ft. My scale said it was 51 pounds (23 kg). It's amazing that such a tiny woman could carry that big, heavy box. When I tried to lift it, I hurt my back. Now, I can't have sex with my girlfriend without my back hurting. The shipping label said it came from your bank.

I demand that you compensate me for my medical bills and give me US$1 million for pain and suffering.

Sincerely,

Utterly Pissed Shipper

Sarlon
10-18-2014, 05:19 PM
Dear Shipper,

Since you claim this happened at work, we are forwarding the pertinent information to your manager to help you file a workers comp claim.

In the mean time however we will deny your claim.

have a nice day! and thank you for banking with us!

------------

Dear Frozen yogurt company.

I recently went into your store to purchase a frozen dessert for myself and my extra special 14 year old son! While there we filled our cups with ice cream, put on all the toppings our hearts desired, went up to pay and sat and enjoyed our dessert.

When we finished my precious angel said he had to go into the bathroom and would meet me in the car. Next thing i know several police cars are pulling up into the parking lot.

Within 5 minutes they were escorting my precious baby out in handcuffs!! They were ARRESTING HIM!!! I DEMAND you drop all charges on my son, the perfect angel who gets straight A's and is on the Dean's list and has never hurt so much as a flea! I also demand free frozen yogurt for life for my entire family!

Angry as hell,
Helio coptermom

Kristev
10-22-2014, 12:41 AM
Dear Mrs. Coptormom,

Your son went up to our register, pulled out a gun, and demanded all of our money. Whether or not you knew his intentions is not our problem. Luckily, a policewoman was also in our store, albeit in plain clothes because it was her day off. When your son tried to rob us, she put a stop to it and ordered one of my staff to call the police, giving him some information to give them.

We will not be dropping the charges, and you can go see Sub-Zero at his frozen treat shop. We don't want you here.

Respectlessly yours,

Mrs. Cocoa Malt, owner of Colidilocks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear General Mercantille's,

I went into your store two days ago specifically to buy a can of Cry-lon paint. After going through all the colors, I selected a can of Toxic Turquoise and went out and sprayed my entire car with it. But not only did the paint wash off and get everywhere, it gave me horrible burns and blisters all over my body!

I demand that you give me ten million dollars in compensation, a lifetime supply of your paint in every single color you make, a brand new car in the exact color I want, Toxic Turquoise, and that you personally issue me an apology on the six-o'clock news! If you don't, I will go back to the store and buy up all the paint I can, then I'll go to your offices and spray you and your entire staff with as much paint as I can!

Signed,

Mr. Karl Les Dumbbunny.

XCashier
10-22-2014, 07:32 AM
Dear Mr. Dumbbunny,

Look at the paint sprayer button. See the little hole? That's where the paint comes out. You need to point that away from yourself.

Cars require a specific type of paint to stand up to weather and road conditions. They need auto body paint; spray paint in a can won't do it.

Not only is your request denied, we have forwarded your letter to the police, as you are making threats of bodily harm. Have fun explaining everything to your parole officer.

Regards,
Vera Smart, manager, General Mercantile

*****

Dear Store Manager,

I tried to go shopping at your store, but your parking lot was completely full! I couldn't get a space! That completely ruined my evening. I demand that you send everyone else home when I come shopping or I'll go to the media about your shady parking practices!

Sincerely,
Anita Reasonto-Complain

Tyg3rW01f
10-22-2014, 07:44 PM
Dear Reasonto-Complain
You arrived at the store during the peak of Friday Night Madness, our best shopping day of the week, as it helps put our store back into the black, instead of the red.
Feel free to curse our competitors with your bitchy self.

Big-Box Grocery, Corporate Office

------

Bake'n'Cookies Cook Books

I was baking Chocolate Chip Cookies, and your 1935 edition cook book doesn't tell me how much gluten to add to the recipie!
I demand you fix this at once!! Otherwise, I will tell all my friends not to use your products.

Cluele SS Baker

purplecat41877
10-24-2014, 06:14 AM
Dear Ms. Baker,

Gluten can be found in regular flour so you don't have to worry about how much gluten to add. Enclosed is a modern recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

Sincerely,

C. H. Ocolate
Author



Dear Book Publishing Company Manager,

I sent a book to be published and received a rejection letter. I didn't use punctuation, spaces, capitalization, or even paragraphs since your editors are required by law to do that. I demand you tell the editors to fix my book and publish it or they'll be arrested. If you don't, I will fix and publish the book myself and put you down as the publisher.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Walloftext

Kristev
10-27-2014, 01:36 AM
Dear Mrs. Walloftext

Had you written your book anywhere near as clearly as you had written your letter, and had it not been about Captain Kirk sleeping with Princes Leia, and how both Darth Vader and Khan were determined to put a stop to it, we would've been happy to publish it . . .

But you can't expect our editors to do all the grammatic work for you, and you've no right to use someone else's characters. Go back to fanfic or go write a real book.

Sincerely,

Ms. Claire Reed,

Take Me Away Book Publishing Company.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear For Growing Minds Teaching Supply Store,

I went to your store and bought up all the cans of Rainbow Play-Don't that your store had. I spent well over a thousand dollars there, and gave it to my children.

Then I left the house for a few hours, and not only did my sons make the world's worst sculpture ever, they also got the Play-Don't all over everything, and then ate some!

It made them violently sick, to the point where my wife took them to the hospital when she came home from work and found out what had happened. Now I'm stuck with three sick boys, a furious wife, a huge hospital bill, and ruined furniture and carpets!

I expect your store to make this right, and if you don't, I'm going to go straight to the cops with it, tell the authorities that you are selling dangerous materials to children, sue your store for every penny they've got, in addition to suing for the restoration of my things and the medical bills for my boys, and then I'm going to smear Play-Don't all over your store and force-feed it to your employees! Let's see how your staff like eating a clay that the hospital's doctor told me was too toxic to allow children to play with, let alone eat, without parental supervision? That is, after she got finished yelling at me too when she found out my boys had eaten it. (She was almost as angry as my wife was!)

Angrily yours,

Mr. Terry Bill Father.

catcul
10-31-2014, 03:55 AM
Dear Mr. Father,

We cannot believe that a father could be so neglectful with his own children. Actually, that's not true, but it still shocks us. Our Play-Don't is safe and non toxic even if a child ingest small quantities. On every can of Play-Don't, there is a warning that says, "Do not let children play with product without parental supervision." However, that's exactly what you did.

You will get no money. Since you threatened our staff, we have handed your letter to the police. Now you'll get to explain yourself to angry police officers.

Sincerely,

Aristotle Knox, For Growing Minds Teaching Supply Store

-----

Dear US EEOC,

I wnt 2 reprt atlantk bank fer descrnation. When I axed da hirng manger y, he sed dat I had a tato on mi hand, I smelt of cigerete smoke, nd dat mi dreds luuked drty and gresy. I demand u fine dem big fer mi paan nd sufring.

Sincerely,

I. D. Tentee

(The EEOC is the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission)

purplecat41877
10-31-2014, 09:42 AM
Dear Mr. Tentee,

We would recommend cleaning yourself up and hiding your tattoo so you have a better chance of getting a job. However, you weren't discriminated against so the bank you mentioned won't be fined.

Sincerely,

E. Q. Ual
Manager



Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

I recently came to your shop for coffee, a scone, and to say hi to my granddaughter who works at your store. However, I didn't see her and when I asked why she wasn't there, I was told that she was fired. I demand that my granddaughter be rehired with a raise since she was fired for no reason. If you don't do this, I will open a bag of ground coffee and sprinkle it on the floor.

Sincerely,

C. L. Uelessgrandfather

Quillsilver
11-05-2014, 09:47 PM
Dear Mr. Uelessgrandfather,

I suggest you ask your granddaughter why she is no longer employed here. Even if we were inclined to rehire her, the restraining orders filed by several of her fellow employees would make that difficult.

Please be warned that carrying out your threats may result in similar legal action taken against you.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Grounds
Coffee Shop Manager


================================================== ========

Dear Bus Company

I am filing a formal complaint to demand the firing of an incompetent, rude driver, as well as compensation for my damaged property.

On Saturday, XX/XX/XXXX, I attempted to enter Bus ### departing XXXX Station at X:XX. I was carrying a drink that I had JUST purchased at the fast food place down the street. The driver would not let me on the bus, giving some excuse about not allowing drinks. The bus was due to leave in a matter of minutes, and I could NOT be late for my appointment. I told him that it would be fine, since I had just bought the drink and should not have to throw it away. He still refused to let me on the bus. I asked him to wait for a moment, then I stepped behind a pillar and tucked the drink into my purse so he could not see it. He FINALLY allowed me on the bus.

Several minutes later, as we were approaching my stop, I pulled the cord and began walking toward the front of the bus. Suddenly, another car pulled out in front of the bus and the driver slammed on the brakes. I stumbled, and the drink that was hidden in my purse SPILLED!

Obviously, the drink would never have been in my purse if the idiot driver had not refused to allow me on the bus with it visible. With that in mind, I expect the driver to be fired, and I also expect your company to replace my brand new jPhone 8 and the purse itself, along with everything else that was ruined when the drink spilled. I will be happy to provide an itemized list when your corporate office contacts me to resolve this matter.

Sincerely,
S. Snowflake

(loosely based on a true story)

Kristev
11-07-2014, 10:09 PM
Dear Miss Snowflake

We will not be terminating our driver and your damaged property is your own problem.

Firstly, you hid a drink in your purse, secondly, you stood up and started walking before your stop. You're lucky you didn't fall down, which still would've been entirely on you because you stood up and walked before the bus had even stopped!

You get nothing from us.

Sincerely,

Miss Rula Plys-Eeekwelly.
Assistant director of Brunette Bus Company.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Memories To Treasure Toy Store,

I went into your shop with my children on Thanksgiving Day. Your store hours said that you were open on that day from 8 a. m. to 5 p. m. but that after that you were closing so your employees could have their dinner together. Something about a store run entirely by a family or something. And yes, there was a sign that you were going to open at 6 a. m. on Black Friday, but still . . .

Well, my family was only there until 7. Yes, your staff did keep bothering me about being closed and wanting to eat dinner, but I didn't care. I let my children touch everything. So what if my son wrecked everything? And at seven sharp, what do you people do? Use a can of Shopper-B-Gone on me! How dare you? How dare you close at 5? Or at 7? You ruined our Thanksgiving! Why can't your still peons just order pizza and stay open 24/7 like The Little Shop of Horrors does?

For the inconvenience, I demand that you allow me and children come into your store first on Christmas Eve, and that you give us 1,000 dollars in store credit and free toys, or else I'm calling my brother, a big cop who likes to thrash people!

Signed,

Maya Willtrumps Allothers.

purplecat41877
11-08-2014, 03:41 AM
Dear Ms. Allothers,

You were warned several times about the closing time which you ignored and you children damaged a lot of items. Therefore, all you'll get is a bill and a ban until the bill is fully paid.

Sincerely,

T. R. Easure
Manager



Dear Bowling Alley Manager,

You had no right to make me leave in the middle of my game. All I did was walk down the lane with the ball, put the ball down in front of the pins, and then used the ball and my hands to knock down all the pins. I demand free games for 2 years to make up for this humiliation. If you don't do this, I will replace the bowling balls with robotic bowling balls which will be programmed to bowl strikes every time.

Sincerely,

C. H. Eater

Sarlon
11-08-2014, 04:11 AM
Dear Mr Eater,

Not only did you disrupt a championship game with your antics, you were so blind drunk you sat and argued with the machine we use to reset the pins.

Your request is denined, and legal action will be handled accordingly.

Ally Lane

Owner of Cosmic Bowling.

---------------------

(this story is true, the names have been changed to protect my sanity, this is an actual complaint i had from my business website...which btw is a TINY operation, no corporate offices).

Dear Website,

I placed an order on your lovely site, as a graduation present for my perfect daughter. I KNOW I put her address in the shipping address, because I am perfect and never do anything wrong, and my credit card shows that the payment went through.

The very next morning I received an email from you stating that the order had been processed, and was provided a tracking number (very courteous, thank you for that.)

A few days pass and my niece hadn't received her package from you, and when i went to check on the tracking number it shows that it had been delivered today. Imagine my SHOCK!!! when i see the package sitting on my door step because it was delivered to me!!!!

I immediately call your customer service line and had to wait on hold OVER 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!! When that rude customer service person FINALLY answered, she gave me some lame excuse about how all your records were for MY address!!!

I'm a VERY rich and important woman in my town!!! I don't have time for trivial things like checking addresses *I* know I entered my daughter's mailing address, if your customer service people weren't so lazy and rude, you'd NOW it was to be sent to my niece's house not my house!!!

I DEMAND a new item sent to the PROPER address (see attached), a FULL refund for the item which I will of course be keeping, free shipping for life!!! and a $5000 gift card for myself, and my daughter!!! My niece and all her little perfect friends spend loads of money on your site EVERY MONTH, so if you don't follow through with my demands, I will report you to your corporate office, and the BBB.

Mrs. Richy Demands,

Address: (NOT real obviously)

126 N south St

Town on other side of freaking STATE, State

Completely wrong zip code for the area.

purplecat41877
11-09-2014, 05:26 AM
Dear Mrs. Demands,

For future reference, I would recommend double checking the information before confirming the order. Since you didn't do that, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

W. Ebsite
Owner



Dear Funeral Home Manager,

I recently went to a funeral for a relative and was very offended to see lots of people bawling their eyes out. There was no reason for that since the person is dead and can never come back to life again. I demand you tell everyone to control their emotions when they come to your funeral home. If you don't, I will go into the graveyard, dig up the bodies, and leave them in view of everyone.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Insensitive

Tama
11-09-2014, 09:02 AM
Dear Mrs. Insensitive,

That person was the matriarch of an Italian family, and was a very integral part of the lives of those crying. Just because you do not mourn does not mean others don't. If you dig up any bodies we will fine you heavily and call the police. We will also be held innocent if any of the dead haunt you.

~Frank N. Stine


Dear Comic Store manager,

I went to your store to get the latest Batman comic and there was a GIRL at the counter! I demanded that she be fired but her supervisor refused which is absurd, girls have no business working there!

Imagine my surprise when they accused me of damaging a copy of The Dark Knight Returns that was signed by Frank Miller! All I was trying to do was steal it to show you idiots that the GIRL was incapable of catching a shoplifter, and the whole front cover got ripped off.

I demand to have the charges against me dropped and that you fire the girl, or I will destroy your encased in glass comics that top $2,500 each in value. Also I will set your building on fire.

~Wurst Kin. Donerd

wolfie
11-09-2014, 08:32 PM
Dear Mr. Donerd,

Due to the threats contained therin, your letter has been forwarded to the police. They have informed me that the county prosecutor is glad you wrote it, since your admission of shoplifting will make his job at your trial MUCH easier.

Sincerely,
Comic Book Gal


Dear Pyrene corporation,

Your "kitchen fire extinguisher" is clearly mislabeled, since it is inadequate for the task. I was cooking fried chicken when I was distracted by a phone call, and the stock pot in which I was heating the oil caught fire. By the time I saw it, the wall behind, and the cabinets above the stove were starting to burn. I grabbed the extinguisher and tried to put out the fire, but in a matter of seconds it was empty. A kitchen fire extinguisher is supposed to be able to extinguish a kitchen fire. Due to your product being clearly inadequate for the task, my entire house was on fire due by the time the fire department arrived.

As compensation for the damages I incurred due to your product not meeting the claims stated on the label, I expect you to pay for the rebuilding of my house and the replacement of its contents.

Sincerely,
A. Moron

Tyg3rW01f
11-10-2014, 02:49 PM
Dear A. Mo Ron,
http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140808075149/bloodbrothersgame/images/f/fd/Double_Facepalm_Meme.jpg
signed,
C. Jean-Luc Picard
CEO, Pyrene Extinguishers Co. LIMITED Liability Corp.


=======
Poker Card Pizza,
I called your store here in Idiotsville and not ONLY did your automated service NOT explain your Plus More Deal clearly, your store was CLOSED!!! EVERYONE knows people get hungry at 7am!! Besides, how many toppings do I get on what size pizza with your Plus More Deal that claims to cover two medium two topping pizzas?!

-D. Um. Bass

Kristev
11-10-2014, 11:14 PM
Dear Unspecified Bass,

We had it explained, repeatedly and clearly, since you did, after all, call from Idiotsville. Our store hours are posted, and we shut down at midnight and don't open again until 10 a. m. You get two toppings, on two medium pizzas, and you are getting on our nerves.

Miss Kitty Potts,
Owner Poker Card Pizza.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Battle For Bargains Basement,

I went to your store with my friends, but I didn't buy anything. Now, with your store, it's a constant fight to be able to get anything that you want out of there, but my friends, Steele Whatiwant, May K. Distraction, Po Cket Picker, & Robin Youblind had a brilliant idea. The guys, Steele, Po, & Robin dressed up, not in armor like your other shoppers, but like store employees, while May wore armor and wanted to buy a television set.

Po said he had a credit card from somebody who wasn't watching. He's good at that, finding stuff in pockets people shouldn't be so careless with, and he gave the card to May.

Then she picked out the hottest new television, claimed to be the wife of the man Po had clipped the card from, and paid for it with that. While the cashier was distracted, Robin, Po, & Steele put the television on a cart and wheeled it out for May, once of those carry out things, you know.

May led them to my truck, then the boys put it in, then they got in, and May got in, and off we went back home to watch the game on the brand new Supertelevision, a wide screen with HD.

But come the next morning, the police have shown up. They arrested us all. Including me! Why would they arrest me? What did I do? I had no hand in their theft!

I demand that all charges against me be dropped, I didn't do anything! The guys asked me for a ride and offered me money if I'd stay 'cause Steele wanted a television and May and Po had an idea how they could get one. I had nothing to do with it!

Drop the charges for me, and my friends, and give me a million dollars! 'cause if you refuse, you'll find that managers can be just as badly injured as employees and other shoppers at Battle For Bargains Basement.

Signed,

Mr. Bo N. Head.

purplecat41877
11-12-2014, 08:25 PM
Dear Mr. Head,

You were an accomplice since you drove the getaway car even if you didn't know about the crime. I would recommend getting an attorney to help you out.

Sincerely,

B. Argain
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off asking me for ID for cigarettes and lottery tickets? I had my 2 children with me so that should've been enough. I demand you tell your employees to stop asking customers for ID. If you don't, I will set fire to the lottery machine.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Legalage

Kristev
11-25-2014, 11:13 PM
Dear Mrs. Legalage, Supermarket Manager,

The law requires that we ask for ID under all circumstances. Besides, you should be flattered, not incensed. The last time I went to buy cigarettes, I got carded, and the boy said that he thought I looked 16. I'm 45! It was the highlight of my day. Look at it as a compliment, honey. I did.

Signed,

Mrs. Deb I. T. Card,

Assistant manager of It's In The Cards Supermarket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lead Pipe Park Sports Arena,

I was watching the great big Sillybowl event, where all of the nation's soccer teams show up to battle to see which one proves to be the best in an all-day marathon of matches until only the top two teams are left.

But when it got to the last game, with only the final two teams left, with both teams at exact scores, suddenly a woman stood up and started screaming. Then the man beside her began telling everyone that there was a fire on the arena. The next thing I know, everyone is running, while I remain in my seat. That is, until I notice how many people have left things behind, so I began to loo . . . clean up the mess. I found at least ten wallets full of money . . .

But people keep bothering me. First a man, then a woman, then another man, then a man in an arena uniform, and finally one of the soccer players himself from one of the losing teams all come up to me, at various times, once per person, telling me that the stadium is on fire and everyone has to get out.

Finally, the soccer player grabs me and makes me go with him, while some woman paramedic tells me she needs to treat me for smoke inhalation and check for burns. Which I did not have! How dare she?

Incidentally, I'm suing for my medical bills, and for the harassment! How dare all those people keep bothering me?

I demand that you give me a lifetime pass, and that you either be equipped with men waiting with fire extinguishers, or that a little fire not be allowed to ruin everyone's fun. We never even knew which team won the tournament!

Angrily yours, Miss Dee Point.

purplecat41877
11-26-2014, 10:20 AM
Dear Miss Point,

We had to get you out and treated for your own safety. However, we are sending everyone free passes to the makeup game but it won't be a lifetime pass. Unfortunately, we have no control over when a fire starts. However, we are looking into getting some fire extinguishers for the field should this happen again.

Sincerely,

S. P. ortsfield
Manager



Dear Church Choir Director,

Every year on Christmas Eve since I was little, I have come to Christmas Eve service. Each year, I look forward to hearing this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEEA40qYNwY) but they played another song in place of it. My Christmas was ruined because the song I've heard every year since I was young was not played this year. I demand that the usual song be played every Christmas Eve service from now on or I will set fire to the organ.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Traditional

cindybubbles
11-26-2014, 07:31 PM
Dear Mrs. Traditional:

Sorry, but we've never performed this song. This is also the first time we've met you; your Catholic boyfriend usually attends our Masses either alone or with his family. Perhaps you're upset because he invited you to come to our Christmas Eve Mass this year?

Sincerely,

Angel McChoir
Choir Director
St. Patrick's Catholic Church

Dear Clothing Store:

Why can't I get tires for my refrigerator? Dogbert told me that the customer is always right, and that shopping makes me smart! So you better do as I say if you don't want a rat clinging onto your legs!

Sincerely,

Ratbert

purplecat41877
11-28-2014, 08:28 AM
Dear Ratbert,

Tires are found at a car shop and don't go on the refrigerator. If you send any rats to go into our clothing, we will call an exterminator.

Sincerely,

C. L. Othes
Manager



Dear Pet Store Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off telling my 12 year old daughter that she can't adopt a pet without a parent/guardian with her? The permission note I gave her to show you should've been enough. I demand you train this employee to honor permission notes to adopt pets even if they're minors. If you don't, I will have all of my friends and family come in the store and take home any pet they want without paying.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Permissionnote

cindybubbles
12-04-2014, 08:27 PM
Dear Chief of Police:

I'm going to need some officers for extra security on my premises. Attached is the letter from a Mrs. Permissionnote threatening robbery and possible cruelty to animals.

Please arrest and detain anyone who attempts to leave the store with unpaid pets and/or merchandise.

Sincerely,

Blythe Barkins
Owner
The Pet Store




Dear Grocery Store Manager:

I am shocked and appalled that you actually called the police on me and had me dragged away in handcuffs! After all, isn't tasting free and legal?

I taste food in public all the time. It's not my fault that the peaches looked so appetizing, or that the strawberries were so scrumptious! If I could have broken the glass, I would have gotten my hands on some prime salmon filets, too! I'm an expert at sashimi, don't you know?

I demand that you let me back into your store, or I'll unleash my freeloading family on you!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sample Queen

purplecat41877
12-05-2014, 12:12 PM
Dear Mrs. Queen,

Samples are only free and legal if you ask an employee for a sample of an item. What you did was illegal so you are banned until the enclosed bill is entirely paid for.

Sincerely,

P. R. Ofit
Manager



Dear Pharmacy Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was make copies of patient files and pass them out to customers. I demand you give me my job back at once. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the prescriptions.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Blabbermouth