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12-08-2014, 08:04 PM
Dear Mrs. Blabbermouth:

You DO realize that I now have to report you to the police. Tampering with patients' medications is not just ILLEGAL, it's also UNSAFE!

Expect two or more officers at your door soon.


Penny Cillin

Dear Christmas-hating Judge:

I am appealing on behalf of my client, a Mrs. Christmas Freak (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?p=1188774), who was convicted on the charge of murder in the first degree of her neighbour, a Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge because of his vicious remarks about how Christmas should be outlawed.

My client insists that everything she did was done in self-defense, and that Mr. Scrooge had a terrible "accident" while attempting "murder" her with her own meat cleaver and wood chipper. She hid his remains in the turkey only because of her fear of "police brutality", which "unfortunately" for her, has come "true".

Also, because they "lied" in their testimony against her, my client will also be suing her former children (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?p=1188896) for millions of dollars in damages.

Please reconsider her case.


Holly Day
Attorney at Law

12-09-2014, 02:03 AM
Dear Atty. Holly Day,

All witness evidence points to the fact that your client brutally murdered her neighbor, as they were both screaming loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, as well as being filmed by the security cameras on Mr. Scrooge's house. There has also been extensive testimony from the four children and their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and Ivy's psychiatrist.

Murder and child abuse are still illegal, as you ought to know, and the sentence I handed down to your client was quite in order. I would strongly suggest you drop this case, and your client, or else face the jury of public opinion, which could hinder your planned run for state senate next year.

Judge Knott

* * *

Dear Microslop Computers,

The laptop you guys made and sold me is a piece of junk! Every time I go to look at my girls, it gets loaded down with all sorts of garbage, viruses, you name it. I've wasted hundreds of dollars on them "fixing" the machine, only to have it crap out again. Them techs tell me not to click on every link, but they don't know what they're talking about. I just want to see my girls!

I demand that you give me $1,000,000 for my inconvenience and a brand-new computer that won't get viruses (and preferably can be operated with one hand).

Randy Creepazoid

12-09-2014, 04:32 AM
Dear Miss Creepazoid,

We have tried to tell you that clicking all of those links could be dangerous to click on. Many of these links lead to criminal sites filled with viruses, scamware, and spyware. We suggest that you buy antivirus software to keep your computer safer. As for your demands, they are denied.


Steven Gates, CEO, Microsum Computers


Dear Mr. Mystic,

I cannot believe you could cheat me like this. You convinced me that you had incredible telekinetic powers. I gave you $20 so you could stop a man on a bicycle with your mind. You stepped in front of the bike, and it stopped. Then I gave you $40 so you could stop a car with your mind. You stepped in front of the car, and it stopped. Then I gave you $60 so you could stop a street car with your mind. You stepped in front of the street car, and it stopped. Then I gave you $100 so you could stop a train with your mind. You stepped in front of the train, but it didn't stop.

When the police officer showed up, he muttered things like "dead" and "bloody mess." I don't care what that cop said. I want my $220 back or I will tell everyone what kind of fraud you are.


Lo Como Tiv

12-09-2014, 09:00 PM
Dear Mrs. Tiv:

My late son did not have, nor did he ever clam to have, telekinetic powers. You must have misunderstood the meaning of his user name. It's MrMxyzptlk, not Mr. Mystic!

Even his YouTube channel made disclaimers about not having any powers. He was a young teenage boy who did stupid stuff for his many YouTube and Twitter followers.

I regret that I was not there when you ambushed him and held him hostage, blackmailing him into doing tricks for you and your so-called "friends". You must have mistaken him for a magician, though I don't understand why you would mistake a young boy's crazy shenanigans for some flashy hocus pocus.

In fact, I will be pressing charges against you for kidnapping, extortion and felony murder. Expect some shiny bracelets in your future!


Donna Reed
Mother of the late Shaun Reed (aka MrMxyzptlk)


Dear Grinchy Warden:

What's the deal with putting me in solitary? I can't enjoy Christmas without other people!

That so-called "vegan" inmate had it coming when, during my stint on kitchen duty, I stripped her and dressed her and cooked her like a real turkey! Then when another inmate tried to "stop" me, I did what I had to do: cut her open and used her blood to marinate my turkey. The innards from both inmates also made a nice stuffing and that soup that I made from their bones will gladly feed us for many days to come.

I still don't understand why the other inmates were screaming. They made a delicious Christmas dinner, after all!

If you don't do something to help me, not only will I sue your family, I'll also send your wife my signature Warden fruitcake!

By the way, I fired my attorney, Holly Day, and will retain a new one for this case!


Mrs. Christmas Freak

12-09-2014, 09:51 PM
Dear Dr. Cy Kiatrist,

Enclosed is a copy of the letter of the woman I told you about. Like I said, she's a live one. She put the "loon" in "lunatic"! I hate to foist her off on you, but she's a danger to everyone in my prison, including my guards. Your fine facility, Arkham Asylum, is the only place I know of that can contain her.

Thank you for agreeing to take her off my hands. I might suggest you bring the elephant tranquilizers, the chain mail-reinforced straightjacket and a dozen of the strongest interns you have when you pick her up.

Best regards,
Ward N. Smith
State Prison

(Cindy, this is too fun! We should write a round-robin story about your crazy character! :D )

* * *

Dear Dumbass at the Store,

Who the hell you think you are, running out of the thing I wanted to get on Black Friday? I showed up at 3:00 in the afternoon, and you were completely out of the $99 TV sets I wanted to get for Christmas gifts! That's false advertising! And bait-and-switch! You give me $1,000,000 for my trouble or I'll go on TV and blast you to kingdom come!

Dill E. Dally

12-11-2014, 02:49 AM
Dear Mr. Dally,

Your letter has been forwarded to the police. Either get up earlier or start shopping online, like sane people do.

See you in court,

Mrs. Storeauner


(I want in on this!)

Dear Mr. Smith:

Please take Mrs. Freak back. She's killed four patients so far, something about not having her Christmas dinner wrecked, and we can't deal with her anymore.

Best wishes, J. Arkham

P.S. Mrs. Freak scares the Joker to the point he is taking his meds like a good patient in exchange for staying in the supermax security wing. Killer Croc is whimpering about not being fried, and Scarecrow is jealous that she can elicit so much fear without chemical help.That should tell you how much of a problem we have on our hands.

12-11-2014, 07:02 PM
(This is so much fun! And in time for the holiday season, too!)

Dear Mr. Arkham:

I'll see what I can do. Perhaps her husband, Mr. Easter Freak might be willing to take her back. He's just as obsessed about Easter as she is about Christmas, yet, unlike his wife, hasn't committed any crimes. He should be safe, since he's tolerated her for so long.


Ward N. Smith
State Prison


Hi, Easter, honey! :)

I just got message from the warden that he's asking you to take me back. I sincerely hope you do!

I'm really "sorry" for stuffing your Scrooge-like sister into one of my giant stockings, and I've made amends with your uncle for stitching Santa's beard onto his face after it "fell" off (read: he tore it off).

I'm also "sorry" for spending your inheritance on rebuilding Santa's workshop in the North Pole, and on lobbying governments to allow genetic engineering on reindeer so that they could fly and have glowing noses like Rudolph!

I'm also "sorry" for injuring you and your buddies on your hunting expedition. I was only trying save the poor reindeer by getting them to fly out of harm's way!

Please take me back. You can forget about that silly restraining order you put on me! I'll be good!

Love, your darling wife,

Mary Christmas Freak

(here's a link (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?p=1250358#post1250358) to her bio)

12-11-2014, 08:52 PM
Dear MS. Freak,

I divorced you three months ago. The answer is no.

I will not repeal the RO. The kids are only just now getting along with me, and I think that's only because being close to me keeps you away by virtue of the RO.

Go drown in eggnog,

Mr. Freak


Dear Commissioner Gordon,

HELP! I'm a new lawyer at Dewey, Fukkyu & Howe in Gotham City, and this crazy woman came in with a shiv whittled out of a candy cane demanding I represent her! I can't leave the building!

-Green Lawhound

12-12-2014, 02:18 AM
Dear Mr. Lawhound:

I'll call Batman with the Bat-signal.


Commissioner Gordon


Hi, Happy, my best twin sis of all!

Apparently my husband thinks he's divorced me and has barred me from my home. What a shame! I'd cut him up and serve him as leftovers, but I need my weekly cheques that for some reason, have been labelled "alimony", after all.

We're not the Christmas twins for nothing, after all! Do you remember the time when we built Santa's sleigh out of the wood from Dad's tool shed, and kidnapped all the neighbourhood dogs and dressed them up as reindeer so we could play Santa? Do you also recall us going to Northern Canada for our summer vacation? It was too bad that we were too young, or we could have gone straight up to the North Pole!

I recall the day when we beat up the mailboxes, trying to get the letters of naughty children away from Santa, and when we cooked up the school bully's dog for Santa because he was THAT naughty!

Anyway, could you please let me stay with you? If so, imagine the new memories we could create!

Your loving twin sister,

Mary Christmas Freak

12-12-2014, 02:33 AM
Dear Mary,

I didn't enjoy it at all; in fact, I was praying the police would catch us if only to put you away! The only reason I agreed to all those shenanigans is because you threatened to cook my beloved cat for dinner if I didn't. Don't think I didn't notice that Snowy disappeared right before you made Mystery Meatloaf and gave yourself new white furry mittens.

I was hoping you'd stay in the clink for a good long time, but apparently even Arkham couldn't hold you. I'll be taking a page from your ex-husband's book and getting a restraining order out against you as well. You stay the hell away from my house, my husband and kids!

Very sincerely,
Happy Christmas-Warisover


Dear Don Corleone,

I can't get my husband, my children or my sister to cooperate with me! Therefore, I'm turning to you; after all, you know how important family is. I want you to make them an offer they can't refuse; they either come back to my side and celebrate Christmas my way or they become Christmas dinner! And you'll be invited, of course.

Mary Christmas-Freak

12-12-2014, 03:31 AM
Dear Mrs. Freak,

Your family have already spoken to me, and the situation will be handled. I'll be sending my boy Michael out to see you.

All respect,

Don Corleone


Dear dad,

Are you sure two guys is enough? This is one crazy woman!

Your faithful son,


12-12-2014, 12:13 PM
Dear Michael,

There is backup on call. Please contact them if needed.


Don Corleone

Dear Shoe Store Manager,

I came to your store on Christmas Eve five minutes before closing to buy some new shoes for a Christmas party. However, you were out of red shoes so I had to settle for green ones. Thanks to your store, my Christmas was ruined because everyone laughed at the shoes I wore at the party. I demand free shoes of my choice and a $400 gift card or I will tell everyone I know that you sell out of shoes that customers want.


Mrs. Lastminute

12-14-2014, 06:20 PM
Dear Mrs. Lastminute:

I hope you are not related to that crazy hag Mrs. Christmas-Freak! But just in case, you are hereby permanently banned from my store!


Al Bundy
Bundy's Shoes.


Dear Mayor John Tory:

I wish to file a complaint about the Toronto Christmas Market. Christmas markets are now the only way that I could enjoy my Christmases now that my family has disowned me. Apparently, I was barred from enjoying my Christmas because of the following things:

1. We actually had to line up to get in. Who the heck lines up for a FREE event? Nobody, that's who! (this is true, I DID have to line up to get in, but I didn't complain about it)

2. There were too many people! People kept bumping into me and I was almost crushed to death!

3. If I had a gun, I would have solved the above problem immediately! I DID have a knife, though, and I made quick work of the people who DARED to cut in front of me while I waited patiently for my food. I tried to make amends by offering the corpses to the restaurants in the area, but for some reason, they called the cops on me! And I got arrested again!

I came to Toronto specifically to enjoy the Christmas Market in the Distillery District! It's not my fault that there were so many people in the way! I demand that you use your mayoral influence to get me out and that your police drop all charges against me! You are violating my right to enjoy Christmas as I see fit!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-14-2014, 06:35 PM
Dear Police Chief,

Nice going on arresting that murdering psycho. I've enclosed a letter I received from her, signed and everything, confessing to her crimes. This should help expedite things to get her deported back to the United States. (Not that I wish her on them, but we don't need her here.)

Should you need anything else, please let me know. The sooner this is done, the better.

John Tory, Mayor
City of Toronto

* * * * *

Dear Commissioner,

God help us all, Mrs. Christmas-Freak is back! Canada has permanently banned her from their country, and I do believe every other country in the world is doing the same. Her infamy is spreading. Arkham can't hold her, my prison can't hold her, even the crime families are afraid of her. Now what do we do?

Ward N. Smith

12-14-2014, 07:34 PM
Dear Mr. Ward N. Smith:

I suggest you take it up with her brother, Lloyd.


Commissioner Gordon


Hey, Harry, my best bud!

Lloyd here!

Just wondering if we could let my adoring sister Mary Christmas-Freak live with us, at least until the New Year.

She's fallen on hard times. For some reason, our sister Happy, Mary's husband and Mary's children don't want anything to do with her, and Mom and Dad are gone, so I'm the only one who can help. I can't help that fact that she just loves Christmas so much that she has to break the law to enjoy it properly.

I don't know why she thinks I disowned her in that letter to the mayor, but rest assured, I didn't. I still love her, and I've let her know that so many times.

So can she stay with us? I promise to make sure that she behaves and doesn't hurt your cat (read: beaver).

Your Best Friend,

Lloyd Christmas (yes, that one from the Dumb and Dumber movies!)

12-15-2014, 09:53 AM
Dear Lloyd Christmas,

I want to help but I don't feel comfortable with your sister. Therefore, I will move back in with my parents until I find a new place and your sister can move in with you.

Stay in touch,


Dear Park Ranger,

You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was walk through the park with no clothes on. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to walk through the park without clothes all I want. If you don't, I will show up at my bail hearing wearing nothing.


Mrs. Natural

12-15-2014, 10:02 PM
Dear Mrs. Natural,

Feel free to do that but don't be offended if you get arrested and stared at. Those cop car seats are a bitch to a naked ass cheek.

Not that I would know.

Regards, Ranger Ex C. Onvict

Dear Mr. Roman Sionis, aka Black Mask,

A new Christmas themed crime gang has knocked off a bunch of banks in our area. They were all dressed as either Santa, elves, or reindeer and the woman in charge (she called herself Mrs. Freak, and emphasized the Mrs. part) made us straighten our Santa hats on pain of being shot! Damn lethal with guns though, and they have gotten away with $15,000,000 so far in cash alone.

We need help and would be willing to join your territory and pay the necessary protection money in return.

Your humble servant,

Mr. Bank Eauhner

(Google Black Mask. And see why he's groveling)

12-17-2014, 05:53 AM
Dear Mr. Eauhner,

I will check out this group. Then we'll go from there.


Black Mask

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off allowing the checkers to leave their registers to do various tasks? They need to stay in their registers at all times so customers don't have to wait. I demand you force the checkers to stay in their registers or fire them. If you don't, I will shoplift from your store.


Donna Wanda Wait

12-17-2014, 09:39 PM
Dear Mrs. Wait,

This is Christmas, our busiest and most profitable time. We only have one hourly here at The Little Shop of Horrors at any given shift, so of course he's going to have to stop, drop, and do other work. But you're right. He should've been attentive to you and the long line behind him instead of wasting his time trying to get a little boy out of the cart return machine the child stuck his fingers in.

But now that you mention it, loss prevention will also become one of our employee's duties.

Please accept this gift card for 1,000 dollars worth of store credit and we hope that you come back again soon. Our employee will be written up for his dereliction of duty.


Miss Manager, Manager 85 of 1,000 in the corporate chain here at The Little Shop of Horrors.


Dear Blue-Hoo Superstores,

I was driving along your store using one of your electric carts. Do you know just how narrow you make those aisle? Well, as I was race . . . er, driving along, shopping through your store for hours and minding my own business with my best friends in our club, where we get electric carts and race . . . shop for hours, one of your dreadful employees had the nerve to set up a ladder in the middle of an aisle.

He seemed to be the only employee you had in the store at the time, and when I ordered him to come down, he said some banshee from corporate had swooped in and demanded that everything be dropped to hang up a Happy Thanksgiving banner. What's he doing hanging that banner up for? It's almost Christmas!
He had the nerve to say he asked that same question, but when corporate wants something, they always get it. That's why he's the only one left working.
Well, since he refused to get down off the ladder for fear of being caught by the corporate banshee, and because a couple of the others had bypassed me already, I just backed up and zoomed on past him!
But I rammed into the ladder, and down came the ladder, that useless employee, and all the toilet paper displayed on the highest shelf. Some of that toilet paper even hit me on the head!

I demand that I be given a special electric cart all for my own use, with rockets, and that I be given a head start each time my friends and I start our game. And that that worthless employee be fired! And, that I be given a million dollars.
Otherwise, I will sue, along with going straight to the press that you allow toilet paper to fall on helpless old men!
And if that doesn't work, we'll just take everything we've got in our carts and zoom out the door. It's not like you have anyone else working to stop us anyway.


Mario Dale Patrick.

12-19-2014, 07:53 AM
Dear Mr. Patrick,

The electric carts are not toys and the employee is in the hospital because of you. Therefore, the only thing you and your friends will be getting is a ban.


R. Acer
Store Manager

Dear Salon Manager,

I came into the salon for a haircut and your rude employee washed my hair before cutting it. Thanks to her, I came down with a cold because I went outside with wet hair and had to miss a day of work. I demand you tell employees to not wash hair unless the customer requests it. If you don't, I will come over with a pair of scissors and cut the hair of all the employees and customers that are in the shop.


Mrs. Dryhair

12-22-2014, 02:20 AM
Dear Mrs. Dryhair,

My stylist had every right to wash your hair, as it obviously hadn't been washed in several weeks, and it's difficult to cut and style greasy, dirty hair properly. We will not be changing this policy.

Enclosed is a coupon good for Rid lice treatment.

Sincerely yours,
Hedda Hair, owner,
Curl Up & Dye salon

* * * * *

Dear Pastor Prime,

How dare you tell lies to the congregation! Your sermon this morning about Christmas being about some brat born in a barn? Nonsense! Christmas is about ME! It always has been and always will be! My very name is proof of that! I am the reason for the season! You tell the congregation the truth next Sunday and make them worship me or I'll burn down the church with everyone in it!

Mary Christmas-Freak

12-23-2014, 12:46 AM
Dear wannabe:

You DO realize that I would NEVER do that! It's a good thing I intercepted your letter while I was guarding the church from sinners like you! I am a God-fearing Christmas-loving Christian; the Church is the only place where I would NEVER impose my will on others (though the parish banquet hall, on the other hand, is a totally different story)!

You WILL burn in hell for impersonating me! I think I'll start with your lovely begonias and work up from there!


The REAL Mary Christmas-Freak


Dear ex-in-laws:

My brother Lloyd and I would like to cordially invite you over to our house for Christmas dinner. We'll have the usual: Christmas turkey and vegetarian tofurky (made with real vegetarians), stuffing from that morbidly obese brat next door, "cranberry" sauce that's made from the blood of that cranky Mr. Berry across the street, and to top it all off, "pumpkin" pie, made from a cat named Pumpkin who almost scratched my face off!

Carols and presents are mandatory, of course! If you can't afford presents, then about $5 million to help us flee the law would do.

Please bring the requisite drama. It's a Christmas tradition to hear everyone bickering over a nice cup of eggnog, after all!


Mary Christmas-Freak

12-23-2014, 04:47 AM
Dear Commissioner Gordon,

Mary is going to kill us, and now our pastor has told us about a copycat! That's all we need is two of them! This is getting out of hand, to put it mildly!

Send in the entire police force! Call in the Marines, if you can! HELP!

The Freak Family

* * * * *

Dear ACME,

We recently ordered some tear gas, rubber bullets and tazers from your company. When we opened the boxes, the tear gas exploded and caused us to have to evacuate police headquarters.

I don't wish to be pushy, but we've got a real situation on our hands, and we can't use defective equipment. Either send us a proper replacement, or refund our money and give us the name and number of a company who can get us wheat we need!

Commissioner Gordon

12-23-2014, 10:33 PM
Dear Commissioner Gordon

I hope you appreciate the joke, and I'm surprised you haven't yet shown symptoms from the toxin I included in the package.

I'll tell you what though, I'll give up my entire arsenal of weaponry, a stockpile more impressive than any world military's, if you will tell me who Batman really is.

The Joker, new manager of ACME.


Dear Lackluster Video Rentals,

My boys were allowed to rent several G-rated movies at your store this weekend so I could let them blissfully watch movies so I could spend the whole day cooking and cleaning without being bothered. But what did I hear when I came in to get something I'd left in the living room? What? One of the cartoon characters in the movie said a horrible, filthy, dirty word!

I was so disgusted, I turned the movie off right then and there, and one of my boys then said that word to me! To me! Well, I wasn't about to have that!

I demand that you edit all foul words out of your movies, especially the G-rated ones, you &*#!ing @%&# !#*&!ed !&#^#!ers

If you @&#*!ers can't be bothered to do it, I'll come to your store and I'll do it @&$*!ed self! I'm sure the entire *#%*$ community will thank me. They'll probably get on their @%$*&ing knees before me in thanks and gratitude for cleaning up this @&#$* *#&$&^@! @#*#%ing town!

And I want ten million dollars, to pay for my boys' $&#%* therapy bills, and my own @$&*@%ed pain and suffering! My boys never talked like that until I rented those movies from your store, but they sure as @$#*&% talk that way now! I'm out of soap washing their @&#$% mouths out, and I expect your @$#*%ing #$%$**&ed place to recompense me for that, too!


Mrs. Mora Lee Perfect.

12-24-2014, 02:26 AM
Dear Mrs. Perfect:

So you swear all the time, and yet you expect your sons to not do so?

You DO realize that they learn by watching you. So you only have yourself to blame for this.

Oh, and the horrible, filthy, dirty word that you said your sons heard and said to you? It was actually tame and clean compared to what you just wrote to me.

We will gladly pay for your sons' therapy, however, on the one condition that you stay away from them forever. I just put in a phone call to CPS.


Lara Croft
Lackluster Video Rentals


Dear Travel Agency:

After my ex-in-laws, ahem, politely declined (cough!) my offer to host Christmas dinner, my brother and I decided it would be best for us to celebrate Christmas overseas. Where would you recommend?

Unfortunately, for some reason, I was banned from going to the following locations: Paris, London, Milan, Rome, Hong Kong, all of Canada, etc. (I know, it's a long list, I have it attached with this letter).

So what's left? What country will take us? Please let it be one that celebrates Christmas, or I will have to enforce my high standards on any Scrooges or Grinches there!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-24-2014, 03:33 AM
Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

May I suggest the exciting city of Mogadishu (http://wikitravel.org/en/Mogadishu), Somalia (http://gadling.com/2012/01/06/worlds-worst-places-top-10-places-you-do-not-want-to-visit-in/)? I guarantee you'll have an unforgettable time there!

Cy O'Nara
Lastditch Travel Agency

* * * * *

Dear International Airlines,

I wish to complain about the appalling service that my brother and I received on my flight to Mogadishu. The food was so horrible, I had to cut apart one of the flight attendants for dinner, but the kitchen on the airplane is completely inadequate for cooking such a large meal. Naturally, the other passengers agreed with me, if the screaming, shouting and frantic phone calls were any indication. Then to top it off, you had me arrested! You have violated my civil rights!

I demand compensation for my horrible trip! You will pay me $10,000,000 and bring the kitchens on the airplanes up to proper standard, or I will be making a personal visit to your headquarters.

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-24-2014, 11:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Freak,

Due to your killing of a flight attendant, we will not be flying you anywhere - nor will any other airline. The U.S. Air Force has heard of you, however, and has kindly agreed to provide a QC-135 for your flight out of Mogadishu. Please bear in mind that in order to prevent any unfortunate incidents this aircraft carries no flight crew, and is operated by remote control. Don't be alarmed by the fighter aircraft near you - they will be taking part in an exercise in which your aircraft will play a key role.

Mr. Fee Gouger
CEO, International Airlines


Dear Denny's,

As a frequent customer, I have tried a number of your entrees, most of which are excellent. The honey garlic shrimp had lavish quantities of honey and garlic, and the lemon pepper chicken was well-seasoned with the flavourings in its name.

On the other hand, your pot roast was a disappointment, clearly missing a key ingredient. This is a disturbing trend among many companies - just the other day, my friend Willie the Wino found that Hostess Ripple Chips don't contain any ripple (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low-end_fortified_wine).

I request that you correct your pot roast recipe by including the missing ingredient. If you don't do this, I will go elsewhere when I get the munchies.

A. Jing Hippie

12-26-2014, 03:29 AM
Dear Mr. Hippie:

May I suggest a marijuana restaurant instead?


Carol Hope


Dear Family:

My brother and I are safe. We have decided to go into hiding in the jungles of Africa, where, to my delight, I have finally found people who understand me!

The tribal chief promoted Lloyd to second-in-command, and I am slated to marry his son. We just barbecued the chief's last Western-loving wife with the help of his mother, and she made a scrumptious Christmas feast!

I have to admit, it was quite unusual, though. There weren't enough ingredients for cookies, so we made a nice bowl of soup from the woman's bones for the children to give to Santa.

I think we're going to love it here. I'm already pregnant, and I'm hoping that little Mary (or Murray if a boy) Christmas will appreciate the holidays as much as I do!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-26-2014, 06:05 AM
Dear Mrs. Freak,

Glad to hear that. Don't come back to the US and your belongings are being sent.


Commissioner Gordon

Dear Theatre Manager,

I went to see a movie that a friend recommended. However, I was offended that the film was in a foreign language with subtitles. I demand you make the filming company keep the foreign films in their own country. If you don't, I will come in with a bucket of butter and dump it on your popcorn and then set fire to the screen that showed the offending movie.


Ann T. Foreignfilm

12-26-2014, 11:52 PM
Dear Mrs. Foreignfilm,

They referred your letter to me. Firstly, you should understand that I own that theater. It is an experimental theater that plays the most wonderful movies in the world - movies I star in. And I just love to learn new languages and try them out. Plus, movies spoken in the languages of the places where the plots take place are so romantic, as I discovered when I first did a French romance film in France. Oh, I wish you'd been there.

In fact, I think I'm going to cast you as an extra in one of my movies. I've been looking for a someone to play the role of the ugly American who can't believe herself. You'll be perfect!


Diva R. Sity, world-famous actress and, in time, master of all known languages including Klingon!


Dear Craft a Kitty,

I went to your store with my son, who is very in to horror movies. But we were treated horribly by the other parents there and your staff did absolutely nothing! So what if my son wanted to create Freddy Clawger? So what if he did beat the other children to the best parts, or stretch out one of the claws? Or snatch the red dye out of a little girl's hand? Or grab another little girl's Angel Cat and ram it with those elongated claws?

In fact, those shoddy claws broke and, in trying to remove them from the Angel Cat, my son's cat fell apart while the angel seemed more or less unscathed except for the claws stuck in her!

And then the mothers, and one grandmother and one homosexual father, all had the nerve to start demanding I leave, start insulting me! The homosexual had the nerve to criticize my fathering skills. Of all the cheek! He was allowed to make Drag Queen Racer Cat and nobody was nasty to him about it! One woman even helped his daughter with the makeup!

But me! My son was treated horribly! After he stomped on one girl's cat, she squirted purple dye in his face! And the other parents demanded I leave the store. The old grandmother even beat me with her purse!

And what did your staff do about it? Gave some of those people gift cards! They didn't help me, or my son, at all! In fact, one of your cashiers dared to ask me to leave! Me! Me!

I demand that you allow my son and I to come in for the entire day, without letting anyone else in! And that you fire every employee you had working on that day! And that you give me a trillion dollars!

If you refuse, I'll come in and renact the world's best horror movies, on all of your cat dolls. Shall we start with Jaws, Dawn of the Dead, or would you just prefer Halloween?


Mr. Com Plete Nightmare & Son, Entitled Nightmare

12-28-2014, 10:23 AM
Dear Mr. Nightmare,

My employee had every right to ask you and your son to leave since you were disturbing the other customers. Both of you are banned from the store.

F. Abric

Dear Toy Store Manager,

My children were riding bikes through the store and casually knocking items off the shelves when one of your rude employees told them that they couldn't ride the bikes in the store. She needs to mind her own business because she's not a parent and she has no right to tell children what to do. I demand you tell your employee to mind her own business or she's fired. If you don't, I will come in with a carton of cigarettes and give one cigarette to every child I see and tell them that there's candy inside.


Wild Motherchild

12-28-2014, 04:34 PM
Dear Ms. Motherchild,

The employee in question is indeed a parent; she's got two school-age daughters, and I've never seen better-behaved children anywhere. Even if she didn't, she works here, therefore, she IS minding her business when she stops people from trashing the place! Think about it.

Nevertheless, we are taking your threat very seriously, and have contacted the police about your threat. They should be showing up at your place shortly regarding your plans to distribute drugs to minors. Oh, and expect a visit from CPS as well.

Lionel Trains, manager,
MegaSuper Toy Store

* * * * *

Dear Commissioner Gordon,

Got any more members of the Christmas-Freak family you want to get rid of? Send them our way, Mary and Lloyd were delicious!

Lon Gpigfan, Chief
Cannibal Tribe

12-28-2014, 07:19 PM
Dear Commissioner Gordon:

Please excuse my soon-to-be ex-husband and his pathetic jokes. I'm roasting him on the spit right now just for that prank!

Although Lloyd and I would love it if you could please send us that impostor who tried to make me look bad in front of the Church!

By the way, I'm teaching my future child in my womb the joys of Christmas. Lloyd has a lot of consorts now that we've gotten rid of my husband and we have drawn up plans to roast my new parents-in-law, just in case they think the same thing. Which will probably happen in about two weeks when they get back with more long pigs!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak


My dearest children:

I send to you a belated Christmas gift. I hope this will help mend fences.

My tribe recently brought in and roasted 4 stranded tourists. I was a little unsettled when one of the tourists seemed to recognize me and screamed her lungs out as we undressed her and tied her to the spit, though. However, the feast was excellent, and all four of them were very tasty!

Here are the four skulls that I promised that I would send you for Christmas. One for Merry, one for Holly, one for Noel and one for Ivy!

Oh. Noel, I've just been informed by one of my assistants that the woman who screamed her lungs out just happened to be your wife. Oopsie!

Love, your mother,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

Lace Neil Singer
12-31-2014, 03:40 PM
Dear Sir,

I read thru your complaint. I was even tempted to send you a gift card just to get you out of my hair, but then I read further. How dare you insult my beautiful husband and my lovely daughter! Just cuz we're not a conventional family does not give you the right to give us scorn. For that, consider yourself banned from all outlets of Create A Kitty. Oh, and the giftcard? I'm giving it to the little girl who's custom kitty cat was ruined by your demonic offspring. Have fun once he hits the teenage years.


Mr Manager of Create A Kitty.


Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your supermarket on Christmas Eve to do my entire Christmas shop and found to my disgust, that you had completely sold out of turkeys, sprouts and parsnips. How dare you? Why didn't you do your job properly and ensure that you had enough? I demand a gift card for my trouble, and a handwritten apology or else I will sue you for the fact that your incompetence ruined my Christmas. I also demand that you fire that cashier on till seven, the fat one with the horrible pink hair. You shouldn't allow either fat people or people with dyed hair to work there as they are less than human.


Mrs B Narstie

01-02-2015, 08:07 PM
Dear Mrs. Narstie:

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. If you can't understand that, then you shouldn't even leave home.

Oh, and the pink-haired cashier that you just insulted? That's the CEO's daughter. I'll forward your letter to her mother, the CEO, and she will make sure that you never shop in any of our stores ever again.


M. Anne Ager
Lovely Foods Inc.


Dear children:

Well, it seems that my letter was lost in the mail, so I'll resend it. Hopefully, you all received your packages in time!

Here is the letter again:

My dearest children:

I send to you a belated Christmas gift. I hope this will help mend fences.

My tribe recently brought in and roasted 4 stranded tourists. I was a little unsettled when one of the tourists seemed to recognize me and screamed her lungs out as we undressed her and tied her to the spit, though. However, the feast was excellent, and all four of them were very tasty!

Here are the four skulls that I promised that I would send you for Christmas. One for Merry, one for Holly, one for Noel and one for Ivy!

Oh. Noel, I've just been informed by one of my assistants that the woman who screamed her lungs out just happened to be your wife. Oopsie!

Love, your mother,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

I hope you get the letter this time, children! You already know what happened to Aunt May when she didn't reply (wink, wink)!

Love, your mother again,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

01-04-2015, 12:14 PM
Dear Ms. Christmas-Freak,

Our children were terrified when they received their gifts so they contacted me. I told them to burn the skulls and we are ceasing all contact with you.

Goodbye forever,

Easter Freak

Dear Writing Teacher,

Where do you get off failing me? All I did was make copies of various books and paste them into my story. I demand you give me an A at once. If you don't, I will cut your classes for two weeks.


C. O. Pier

01-04-2015, 05:14 PM
Dear Writing Teacher,

Where do you get off failing me? All I did was make copies of various books and paste them into my story. I demand you give me an A at once. If you don't, I will cut your classes for two weeks.


C. O. Pier

Dear "student":

I'd be more alarmed by a threat to ATTEND class, since doing so would be very out of character for you.

Your F stands.

Hope Lost, writing instructor



Interruptions in services are NOT acceptable. I don't care about power outages, city-wide disasters, etc. Those problems are for peons like you to handle, and are not to disturb ME.

You WILL provide me free service for life as compensation for the stress and inconvenience your incompetence has caused me.

Allie About-Moi

01-05-2015, 12:34 PM
Dear Miss About-Moi,

We have no control over service interruptions but we try to fix the problem as soon as we can. Therefore, you won't be getting anything for free.


C. Omputer

Dear Nursing Home Manager,

Where does your staff get off allowing my grandmother to pass away? It's their job to make sure that everyone there stays alive. I demand you tell your staff to bring my grandmother back to life at once. If you don't, I will come in with my grandfather's ashes and dump them on your head.


G. R. Ieving

01-08-2015, 08:58 AM
Dear Irving Ieving

While we are sad to see your grandmother pass, its hard on us as well, its for the best. She is not in constant pain anymore. As for your threat to dump your grandfathers ashes on the floor here, I can tell you weren't raised by people that taught you anything about respect. See, that kind of threat is very disrespectful of him and his memory.

Ol Dfolk Shome
Friendly folks home


Dear sir

Where do you get off by making your workers work on a national holiday? I came over here to England from the states and am shocked at how you make them work on July 4th. Dont you know that its a holiday? Send them home!

Glob Alknow Nothing

01-08-2015, 08:34 PM
Dear jerkYank,

Different countries have different holidays. I notice that you don't celebrate May 24th, July 1st, Guy Fawkes Day, Bastille Day, or any one of a number of non-U.S. holidays, and according to our Canadian cousins you are a month late celebrating Thanksgiving. To you, July 4th marks a significant event in your country's history. To us, it's a way to keep July 5th from immediately following July 3rd.

Also, if we gave all our employees a holiday on July 4th, you would be unable to find an open restaurant, a working bus/taxi/Underground, or get the sheets changed in your hotel room that day.

If you want to be in an environment where everything is done in the same manner as in the Rebellious Colonies, GO HOME!

As many Brits as there was space for signatures.


Dear computer manufacturer,

I bought one of your laptops which promised "Wireless Internet" as one of its features. When I first got it home, this feature worked, but halfway through the movie I was streaming the data stopped. I tried to re-connect, but the hotspot I had been using was no longer there, and the one which replaced it (named "Stop leeching my connection, you asshole") demanded a password.

I request that you provide me the necessary password so that I can continue to use the wireless internet you promised.


Clueless User

01-09-2015, 02:23 AM
Dear user,
Please send your address. The police have experience in these matters.
Computers, inc.

Dear general manager,
I'm just a lonely old guy who was seduced by your night clerk who was obviously a witch. She smiled at me. Under her evil spell, I fell over my feet and landed hands first on top of her. She had the nerve to slap me! Now in my day, youngsters must respect their elders! Next thing I know I'm in a police car on sexual assault charges! What customer service is this?

Vert Per

01-09-2015, 04:29 AM
Dear Mr. Per,

I highly doubt you accidentally fell. Your hand was someplace it really ought not to be, and you were holding her down.

You are banned from our properties for life. And assuming you are convicted, you probably won't be around to bother us for awhile anyway.

Sincerely, Ceyour Eauner

Dear Playhalt,

Where do you get off letting my thirty year old son who is living on his own buy Alpha Sapphire?! Those games are for kids! If you don't demand he return it I will sue you for everything you own!

I hate you,

Helen Copter-Parent

01-10-2015, 12:17 PM
Dear Ms. Copter-Parent,

You son is old enough to decide what he wants to buy. Therefore, we won't force him to return a game he enjoys.


G. Amer
Playhalt Manager

Dear Mental Institution Manager,

Where do you get off putting me in a padded room? All I did was bite the nurse because she was trying to force me to take my medication. I demand you take me out of here at once and stop giving me medication. If you don't, I will bite all of the staff including you.


B. Iter

01-10-2015, 03:16 PM
Dear B. Iter

I hope you enjoy the Hannibull Lecture brand mouthguard that we have involuntarily gifted to you and applied to your mouth. Please enjoy your extended stay at our facilities.

G. Rumpy
Ward Manager

Dear Bus Company Manager Person.

How dare you flag my bus card as lost/stolen when I know it is perfectly legitimate, having gotten it off of my closest friend the day before he caught his spur-of-the-moment flight to the Banana Republic! I demand you reinstate it and compensate me for the inconvenience!

N. Titled.

01-11-2015, 11:34 AM
Dear Ms. Titled,

Your friend reported his card as lost/stolen right before he caught his flight. Enclosed is an application to get your own bus card.


T. R. Avel
Bus Company Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was shopping in your store while smoking a cigarette and one of your rude employees told me that I wasn't allowed to smoke in the store. I am the customer and I have every right to smoke in your store if I want to. I demand you fire the rude employee and allow me to smoke while I shop all I want. If you don't, I will set fire to the propane tanks outside.


Mrs. Smoker

01-18-2015, 10:51 PM
Dear Mrs. Smoker,

From now on I will no longer instruct my staff to prevent people from smoking in my store. Instead, i will equip them with cans of PAM so that, when they catch people smoking, they will spray them down with it. You can smoke to your heart's content, if you don't mind being a little . . . greasy.


Mr. Paytha Price, owner of Justice Supermarkets.


Dear Decade 25 False Estates,

I was going to buy one of your listed homes, and so I met with one of your agents, Mr. Bam Boozle. He told me how much money I'd need, and the things I'd need to do, in order to buy the house, and so I did everything Mr. Boozle told me to do. I didn't do any of the things he told me not to do, such as checking out the neighborhood to see if my wife and I liked the school nearby for our son or not, or looking up the crime statistics, or talking with the immediate neighbors of the home I intended to buy. I also obeyed his advice in never hiring outside inspectors or asking for any kind of research on the house. Mr. Boozle said he'd handle all of that for me, and he did, giving me reports so good that they literally glowed. I was pleased. My wife, Notah, however, was angry with me for not checking on my own and went to the house herself.

Well, while she was out, Mr. Boozle and I met and signed everything he told me to. After he left, my wife came home and told me that she spoke with the couple who owned that house and they told her that they never heard of Mr. Boozle and had no intention of selling their home to anybody.

I demand that you return all my money and that you fire Mr. Boozle! I also demand a million dollars, and that you make those people give me that house, for all the trouble I have been through.
If you don't, I just happen to know the third cousin of the secretary of the most powerful lawyers in town, Fraud & Shyster. I'll sue you and take ownership of every home you have to sell! And if that doesn't work, I'll burn that house to the ground! If I can't have it, nobody can!

Mr. Todd L. Flake.

01-19-2015, 07:49 AM
Dear Mr. Flake,

I checked and we don't have an employee named Bam Boozle. Therefore, we will refund your money and the police have been notified about your threat and the fake employee.


H. O. Using

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off making customers fill out lottery forms if they don't want quick picks? My list of numbers should be good enough. I demand you tell your lottery employees to stop being lazy and do the lottery the way the customer wants. If you don't, I will take my business to a store that doesn't require customers to fill out the lottery slips.


Mrs. Lottery

01-20-2015, 07:01 PM
To the ill-advised Mrs. Lot


Our... Best wishes...
Big-Box Grocery


BEFORE I get cited for this, this is a paraphrase of an ACTUAL Letter to the Editor written to the Knoxville News Sentinel newspaper about the 148th anniversary of the Battle of Fort Sanders.

KNS Editor,
HOW DARE YOU PERPETRATE THE LIE THAT THE GLORIOUS CONFEDERACY LOST THE BATTLE OF KNOXVILLE!!! Every TRUE child of the great Confederacy knows we NEVER lost a battle; it was all anti-southern political propaganda that we lost the War of Southern Independence at all, much less a single battle!
In fact, go read your history.
We had the forts surrounding Knoxville occupied by the best troops in the state of Tennessee! WE held those forts through the entire war, and never lost more than 500 men the entire war! How DARE you INSULT your readers by posting this RAG on the so-called "Battle of Fort Sanders", claiming it was a Yankee fort, and our greatest general, Longstreet was an idiot and sent 13000 loyal southern gentlemen to their unneeded and wasteful deaths!
You, Sirs, are going to face a lawsuit for the defamation of the Confederacy.

((and here is where I take extra liberties))
Uned Ucate Didiot

01-22-2015, 10:52 AM
Dear Mr. Didiot,

Enclosed is a list of night schools. I would recommend you select the history class.


N. ewspaper

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off closing the school because of an ice storm? In my day, we went to school in all kinds of weather. I demand you keep the school open during all kinds of weather and make your students come to school even if it means they have to walk like I had to in my day. If you don't, I will break into the bus area and slash all of the tires.


Mrs. Oldschool

01-22-2015, 06:02 PM
Dear Mrs. Oldschool,

Have you forgotten when we went to school together? The schools always closed when there was bad weather, despite what you claim. Not that you'd have noticed; I remember you calling in sick when there were light showers in the forecast!

I also couldn't help but notice that your letter was postmarked on the first sunny day after the ice storm, nor that you are now driving a top-of-the-line, all-wheel-drive, all-terrain vehicle. If you can't handle rough weather conditions, you hypocrite, what makes you think grade school children can?

Your request is denied. And if I see you around our school bus lot, I will immediately sic the dogs on you. They'll keep you...entertained...while I call the police.

Ann Clement-Weather, principal,
Safety First Primary School

* * * * *

Dear Hotel Manager,

You advertise your place as "your home away from home". What a load of garbage! Your commercials tell us to "kick off our shoes and settle in for a good night's sleep". Well, I did. I kicked my shoes through the window, ripped that horrible painting off the wall, cooked a can of beans in the microwave (so what if I didn't remove them from the can first!), took a dump on the floor because that toilet seat was too cold and left garbage everywhere.

Home away from home, my ass! You billed me several thousand dollars for "damages". What damages? I left your hotel room in the same condition my home is in!

I demand that you reverse the charges. In fact, I demand $1,000,000 for your false advertising!

Phil Theeslob

01-26-2015, 10:23 AM
Dear Mr. Theeslob,

We expect our guests to respect our rooms the same way you respect your home which you don't. We are not reversing the charges and you are banned from this hotel.


R. E. Spect

Dear Driving School Manager,

Where do you get off not allowing me to apply for a driver's license just because I'm 12? I'm a high school senior since I skipped a few grades and since everyone else drives in my grade then I should too. I demand you give me a driver's license so I can be accepted by my classmates. If you don't, I will tell my parents that you were mean to me.


Wanda Fitin

01-27-2015, 10:29 PM
Dear Miss Fitin,

You are only 12. It's neither legal nor safe for you to drive. It's fantastic that you're a girl genius, but even geniuses must obey the law. I will allow you to sit in on some of the classes, that much I'll do for you. But you can't touch the steering wheel or attempt to drive.
On the other hand, you don't need to rush your life so fast. You're twelve. I know it's hard to wait four more years, especially since you're out of step with your peers, but each age has its own wonders and blessings. And remember, teenagers are not the best people to be learning from. They don't really know what they're doing yet and are at the peak of their hormonal drives, something you'll learn about soon enough. Be patient. Acceptance by a pack of high school teenagers is, though it feels like it, far less important than proving yourself ready for college. I can see it in you. If you'd like, we can help, for we teach more than driving.


Prof. Ed U. Cation,

Owner and director of AlphaBest Academy.

Dear Bed & Bath From the Beyond,

I went to your new store that just opened up in our area, and we found the most wonderful things there. The scents were heavenly, and so I bought them all, from Angel Kiss Apricot bodywash to Leprechaun Lavender perfume, and of course the Ghost-grown Gardenia hand lotion and, most importantly, the Wily Witch Watermelon shampoo.

The thing is, while my wife loved the other products and said she felt like her spirit had been touched by the light by using them, I stayed home and and slept on the other thing I bought from your store - the Satan sheets.

It was the most hellish night I ever had! I kept having horrible dreams of being mistreated by demons, of being burned all night, of being reminded of everything I'd done wrong, including grabbing that package of sheets from the "Do not purchase; display only" section!

When I awoke the next morning, I was even more tired, and tormented, than I was when I went to bed! And we had ghosts show up! They didn't bother my wife - they were friendly to her. But they tormented me, broke my mirror, levitated me across the room, bent my spoons! It was awful!

I demand that you take these sheets back and refund my money, and that you instead give me, for free, the Eternal Rest bedspread that I also saw in the "Do not purchase" section, though if you'd get rid of the hand of Death on it I'd be very happy. And a million dollars! Oh, yes, I also demand that you give my wife a lifetime supply of the products.

If you don't, I'll capture your entire staff and tie them to stakes, then light a torch and burn your whole store down with your staff still in it, then call in every exorcist there is to drive you and the spirits you all came in with out of town!


Mr. Lott Ofsins.

01-31-2015, 08:07 PM
Dear Mr. Ofsins, due to the.......uniqueness...... of our stores, and products we sell, we have implemented many various policies and safeguards to ensure that those that are of the faint of heart do not buy certain items in our product line, so as not to be traumatized by them. These items are in a separate, closely monitored, clearly marked area, similar to an Adult Section of a Magazine Store, or the Liquor Section of a Grocery Store. Every purchase from that Department, must be paid for in that Department, and all Customers are required to sign a Release, stating they understand and accept our Policy, and absolve us of all responsibility, should they unfortunately be negatively affected. You signed such a form, which I have in front of me right now.

Also, in checking your various Social Media Accounts, and the Websites you link to in them, it appears that what happened to you is the type of thing you greatly enjoy, and very frequently participate in.

Oh, and by the way, you also proudly boasted on one of those Accounts, that you were going to try to scam us.

So, your request is denied, and your threats have been forwarded to the Police, and you will likely be cuffed, shackled, and be given a "Spit-Hood" to wear, based on the severity of your threats.


B. E. Elzebub, Manager; Hell's Passion Section; Bed & Bath From the Beyond.


Dear Bus Company Manager Person,

Okay, so I got my "Ohhhhhhhhhw-nuh" Bus Card, as you so rudely forced me to do.

So, now, I'm really trying to learn your stupid Bus System, since my Driver's License was stolen from me by the Police, for supposedly being "impaired" after drinking a fifth of 151 Rum, and then driving to the Store to get a couple more bottles.

Anyway, I stepped on a Route Number 69, and the Driver asked me, and I quote; "Where do you get off, Ma'am?" I was appalled!!

I replied; "How DARE you make a pass at me!" And then I slapped the pervert!

Knowing he was "caught", he made up some bald-faced lie, about the bus being re-routed due to an incident blocking one portion of the Route.

To make matters worse, he stopped a block over from my destination when I rang the bell, mumbling something about that being as close as he could get, what with the re-route.

I demand this Drive be Fired, AFTER going through intense, Sexual Harassment Training!

Oh, and you better change that Route Number! It is sooooooo VILE!

Most Disgustingly,
N. Titled

02-02-2015, 08:14 AM
Dear Ms. Titled,

What you did was assault so the driver doesn't have to go through sexual harrassment training since he wanted to know where he could let you off. Also, there is construction being done on a part of the usual route so he wasn't lying. We also won't change the bus number since it'll confuse a lot of people. We have sent the letter to the police so you'll get what you deserve.


T. R. Ansportation

Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was being checked out, your rude checker smiled but refused to speak to me. I told her that she needs to learn to speak to customers and the bagger had the nerve to tell me that the checker was mute. That checker needs to be fired since she shouldn't work in a job where talking is required. If you don't, I will spray paint on the wall that you hire mute people.


Mrs. Talker

02-09-2015, 05:49 AM
Dear Mrs. Talker

We have no objection to hiring people with disabilities, since they usually prove to be far better workers than perfectly normal people. We do, however, have objections to someone who threatens to commit vandalism simply out of spite. How would you like it if we came up to your house and threatened to spray paint on your walls that you're a discriminator, and not in the good way?

Goodbye, Mrs. Talker. We can do without you and your rudeness, and your cell phone usage while you're being helped.


Ms. Bess Bossin Theworld, Supermarket Manager.

Dear Rubberroom Mercantile,

I went to your store with my trusty old baseball bat and blowtorch and decided to test a brand new product that I saw in your store, Tougherware food service and storage containers, which promised in their television ads to be tougher than Tupperware, and able to take much, much more punishment and last for five years longer.

Well, before I go and throw my money away on something new, I like to test it first. So I went to your store and found the Tougherware isle. Then I took my knife, my bat, and my blowtorch, and tested every single piece of Tougherware that you had in your store. I knocked it off the shelves, I kicked it, stomped on it.

The next thing I know, a man decks me because he said I threw a piece of Tougherware at his son, and almost burned his daughter with my blowtorch. How dare he put his hands on me?

Naturally, I was about to counter-attack him with my blowtorch, but it ran out of fuel at just the wrong time. What a shame.

So, I demand that you pay me fifty thousand dollars, half for false advertising since the Tougherware only put up with an hour of my testing before it broke, as where the Tupperware withstood forty-five minutes in my microwave oven! And half for the trauma I suffered from that horrible man punching me in the face! He gave me a black eye, and he took my bat and snapped it, so I want a new baseball bat, too!

If you don't give it to me, I know the temperature it takes to melt all rubber products, and now I know the temperature it takes melt Tougherware, too, and I'll go to your store and turn all of your products to goo with my refueled blowtorch! Then I'll just help myself to all the money in your cash register and safe. And you people just try and pry your store's doors open once all that rubber's melted.


Mr. Bat T. Bersurrker.

02-09-2015, 01:05 PM
Dear Mr. Bersurrker,

We are pressing charges for vandalism and the other customer is pressing charges for assault against his children. Your requests are denied and you are banned from my store.


C. Ontainter

Dear Chief of Police,

Where do your rude officers get off telling my friends and I that the party's over? All we did was play loud music at full volume and have loud conversations. I demand you stop sending officers to ruin parties and tell them to find some real criminals to arrest. If you don't, my friends and I will throw a party right outside the station and play loud, offensive music at full volume.


P. Artier

02-10-2015, 05:35 AM
Dear Mr. Artier

Sorry to hear that the party is over, but sadly your grandmother's care home has a strict policy that visitors must leave by 7:00 pm. In addition to the curfew violation, we had complaints from several residents wondering who had in fact let the dogs out and where they presently were, as indicated by your song lyrics. Also, addressing their 68 year old security guard/janitor Carl as a "punk assed bitch," when he politely asked you to leave was uncalled for. So next time you go visit grandma, please do so in a timely manner, and leave the attitude, and boombox, at home.


Officer I.M. Ncharge

PS-Pull up your pants. Your SpongeBob underwear is showing.
PPS-And don't try to deny that you and your friends broke into the kitchen and stole all the pudding cups on your way out. We know it was you.
PPSS-We would be happy to host a gathering of yourself and friends in the parking lot of our station. It will be so much easier to arrest all you Justin Bieber wannabes from that location.

Dear Person in Charge of Mart of Wal Minions:

I would like to say that I am your biggest customer, and spend thousands, if not hundreds of dollars there daily. So imagine my shock and horror when I went through the 15 items or less line, only to be told by one of your minions that I had more than 15 items, and therefor would have to use a regular checkout line! And even after I pointed out that multiple items of the same product could be rung in at once, and therefore the 12 boxes of cereal I had should only count as one item, as would the 10 bags of dog food, etc, she still insisted that I use a regular checkout. The nerve! Added to the this the difficulty I had in maneuvering myself and my three carts of groceries back through the lineup, then having to wait an additional 15 minutes at a regular checkout, I think it's only fair that I be compensated with a $500 gift card and a year's supply of strawberry milkshakes and french fries from the Mart of Wal McDonalds. In addition, I demand you retrain all your minions in proper check out math, as they all seem to be doing it wrong.

Id D. It

02-11-2015, 08:34 PM
Dear Mrs. It,

We remember you well. After that fit you threw requiring the S. W. A. T. team to show up and restrain you, there's no way we could ever forget you, not even with all the brain bleach in the world.

We know you, using hundreds and thousands of coupons, most of which are printed off the Internet and are completely invalid. Other shoppers see you in line and either groan or leave the store.

Yes, you did go through the 15 items or less line, but the shock and horror was entirely ours, for you not only broke the rules by having 50 items, but the way you maneuvered your cart so that you could deliberately damage our displays and ram into three separate people, two employees and one shopper . . . then when you pulled out that gun and threatened our cashier for refusing to honor your made-up coupons . . .

No. We have no intention of giving you 500 anything, but we will retrain our staff. We're going to have them take martial arts classes so they can deal with unwelcome shoppers like you. Ban Voyage!


Ms. Nojel E. Fish, front end assistant manager.

Dear Vampire Vacuums,

I went to your store the other day because I just loved your commercial, where a beautiful woman's home was absolutely ruined by a wild wind that brought in a sandstorm, and woman came by selling vacuum cleaners. But when the homeowner was declining her guest, the saleswoman untied her hair, revealed herself to be a vampire, and used the vacuum cleaner to suck all the dirt from the sandstorm out of the woman's home, leaving it so clean it sparkled.

Your store has a cardboard cutout of the vampire woman, holding a vacuum, with dust bunnies running away from it in fear and terror, or trying to but unable to get away from the suction.

Well, I bought your best vacuum cleaner at that store, and I bought your most expensive model, even though she kept telling me she didn't like me and did not want me to take her anywhere, and that she was not for sale. I showed her the receipt and forced her to go with me anyway.

Well, I take your vacuum cleaner, and your model, home, and demand that she reenact your commercial for me in my very own home. Well, she takes the vacuum, starts it, and then tells me "look, it's a sandstorm!" Naturally, I get excited and look out the window. The next thing I know, she's hit me over the head with the vacuum, leaving blood running down my neck! That horrible woman must have bitten me!

Anyway, by the time I'm back on my feet, she's run away to the neighbor's house, saying something about "kidnapping, call 911 . . ." I'm not sure what she said, but I do know my neighbor let her in to the house.

All I know is that a few minutes later, the police are pounding on my door, while a female paramedic and the vacuum store's manager are tending to the model, and the model keeps screaming to the cops and pointing at me "That's the one! He's the creep!"

Now I've been arrested for a number of charges. I demand that you drop all charges, replace the broken vacuum, make that woman marry and serve me, and give me a million dollars! Oh yes, and cure the vampirism she inflicted on me by biting me on the neck!


Mr. Dan Jerous Hunter.

02-13-2015, 10:32 AM
Dear Mr. Hunter,

You kidnapped one of our employees and tried to force her to do things against her will. We will replace the vacuum but all of your other requests are denied.

C. L. Ean

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off putting my daughter on mandatory? All she did was believe customers when they claimed that they didn't get their change since I drilled it into her that the customer is always right. I demand you take her off mandatory at once. If you don't, I will come to your store wearing nothing which you can't do anything about since the customer is always right.


Mrs. Gullible

02-14-2015, 05:16 AM
Dear Mrs. Gullible,

Your daughter is no longer on mandatory - on reviewing the security footage, we have terminated her employment and referred the matter to the police. Despite our policy of "cashiers are not permitted to check out relatives closer than 2nd cousin", we found that she checked you out, and apparently TWICE in the same transaction (pack of gum purchased with a $100 bill, which she did NOT put through the counterfeit detector, and which turned out to be counterfeit) you "didn't get your change". As a result of this, she wound up giving you nearly $300 in change for a counterfeit $100 bill.

Since the police officers who we spoke to were talking about "conspiracy to commit fraud", there's a high probability that you and your daughter will be sharing a jail cell.

Manager with a spine

Dear satellite TV company,

Roughly 6 months ago I signed up for your service on a 2 year contract. In the meantime, developers have built a high-rise on the property next door, blocking line-of-sight between my balcony (building regulations prohibit dish installation except on balconies) and the satellite. This has left me unable to make use of your service. I request that you either cancel my service without an ETF, or fix things so that my service works again. I believe this can be accomplished by installing a GBU-10 on the new building.


Frustrated customer

02-18-2015, 10:10 AM
Dear Frustrated Customer,

You would need to contact your landlord and then fill us in. We'll do what we can to get your service working as long as the landlord is ok with it.


Wanda Help

Dear Fabric Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was bawl my eyes out during the interview while saying how badly I need a job. I demand you hire me and allow me to be as emotional as I want on the job. If you don't, I will post on my Facebook page that you hire employees with no feelings whatsoever.


Mrs. Emotional

02-18-2015, 11:37 PM
Dear Mrs. Emotional,

The fact that you cried throughout the interview showed that you would be a poor fit for our company. We wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of employment.


Mr. Calico, manager of Fabric Emporium

Dear satellite TV company,

Don't you even READ people's letters before sending a non-answer? I already told you that the new building blocks line-of-sight to your satellite from the ONLY place my landlord will let me put a dish. Either get the other building out of the way (hence my suggestion for installing a GBU-10 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GBU-10_Paveway_II) on it) so that I can get line-of-sight between my dish and your satellite, or let me cancel without an ETF.


Disgruntled (formerly merely frustrated) Customer

02-23-2015, 09:25 AM
Dear Mr. Customer,

Unfortunately, we are not able to get rid of the other building and what you're suggesting is illegal. However, we have enclosed a list of options that don't require a dish being installed so you won't have to cancel your service. If you don't like any of the options, we will issue a full refund and won't charge you an ETF. However, for the inconvenience, we will give you 50% off of the next bill.


Wanda Help

Dear Bakery Manager,

I went into your bakery on the way to a party and ordered a list of items. However, your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that I should've given advanced notice for an order as large as mine. I demand you fire the rude employee and give me free items for 2 months. If you don't, I will set your cakes on fire.


Mrs. Impulse

02-25-2015, 08:13 PM
Dear Mrs. Impulse,

Our employee was right to tell you that you should've given advanced notice for ordering practically half of our bakery's stock, especially on St. Patrick's Day, which it was. I know because I was the employee who told you so.
I am also the the owner and manager.
Since I own and run this business entirely on my own, I cannot afford to give you two months of free items, though I think I can manage to give you a free box of cupcakes. That is, I would have, but since you threatened to set fire to my cakes, I will instead deny you anything. But you are free to take your vandalism threats elsewhere.

Signed, Mia Selfandeye, Owner of Solitaire's Bakery.


Dear Scary Queen Ice Cream Parlor & Restaurant,

I went to your place the other day. Yes, everyone keeps telling me that your food is just plain good fun, even if the place does look like a graveyard and all your employees must wear Halloween costumes. It's so much fun that even your commercials say "You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream . . . and everything else on our devilishly good menu."
From what I hear, your It's A Real Dilly Bar is just infernally divine, and your fallen angel food cake! Whoever came up with the idea of mixing angel food cake with chocolate ice cream was a real genius!

Unfortunately, the people you have working for you lately are far from geniuses. I am gravely offended! You see, I went to your restaurant, and because I saw a woman bring in her dog, I decided to bring in mine. My dog, a beautiful angel of a dog named Assassin, and he's just the cutest thing you ever saw, came in with me.

Now one of your rude employees told me right off the bat that I couldn't bring my dog in because he didn't have a leash! What gall! What nerve! I don't have a fence around my house and I never leash or tether my Assassin. Why should I? A dog's natural state is to run around free!

Well, I grab that rude employee's mask off of his face, and then let it recoil and hit him. He screams, and calls for the manager. I instead head straight up to the counter and demand that the waitress take my order. But when the little boy whose mother is before me in line turns to pet my Assassin, he grabs the boy and bites him hard, and won't let go!
You hired the worst waitress in the world! She just stood there, wide-eyed, as if she were shell shocked, when she saw my dog playing with that boy, and she didn't say anything. Instead, she stammered.
The boy screamed and screamed, and I told his mother to make him shut up. She instead started beating my poor Assassin with her purse, and yelling at him.
The next thing I know, Assassin does let go of the boy, to go chase a couple of kids running in the playground. He almost catches a little girl, but mid-jump, her father stabs my poor Assassin with a knife.

My poor doggie! I go run to him, but everyone now gathers around me, screaming at me, except for that stupid waitress and that screaming boy and his mother, who stayed with him. One woman, in a witch's mask & costume, puts horrible curses on me. She called me a &8@!*#$ @%$&%*ed )$*%&#@er. Another woman said my dog should have been kept on a leash, while one man chimed in that "That breed of dog shouldn't have even been brought in here in the first place!"
Then in comes the manager, who isn't concerned in the least that that man had a knife and used it to stab my poor doggie! Who knows who else he could've stabbed! He gave some excuse about "protecting his daughter from a savage beast . . ." Poppycock!
Instead of showing any fear about the man with the knife, or showing any compassion for my poor dog, the manager gets out her cell phone and calls first the police and then the paramedics, and then tells me that my dog and I are banned from her store!

I am so angry I just can't stand it! Yes, Assassin survived and I want him to be served free hamburger, as many as he wants, and a place of honor where he is free to run around and play with whomever he wants, when we come back to Scary Queen. And I want you to give me a lifetime supply of free food, and a billion dollars in compensation! Not to mention paying his vet bills and banning the man with the knife, and his daughter, and the woman with her horrid little screaming boy, and firing those two wretched employees, and probably that vindictive manager, too!

If you don't, I will Google your recipes for all your products, and sell them to your competitors! I'm sure McClown's & Burger Queen would love to know your secrets. And I'll tell every group I know, including animal rights extremist groups I know, that you discriminate against dogs! After all, I'm a person who doesn't believe in leashes or fences because it infringes too much on a pit bull's natural rights.

Signed, Freida Rome.

02-26-2015, 09:46 PM
Dear Freida Rome,

The first dog was a guide dog for that blind customer, and thus is allowed in an establishment such as ours. Your dog is not a service dog of any kind that I can see. And you don't "believe in leashes or fences because it infringes too much on a pit bull's natural rights"? Obviously, you don't believe in properly training and integrating your dog either, otherwise he wouldn't have attacked those children.

You will not be getting anything from us except a restraining order. The ban stands, and we never want to see you or your insane dog anywhere near our store again.

Liz Bathory, manager,
Scary Queen Ice Cream Parlor & Restaurant

* * * * *

Dear Boutique Owner,

I was in the other day browsing your wares, when I saw that your employee had a beautiful, blonde, waist-length braid. I knew it had to be a hairpiece so I went to grab it off her head so I could buy it for myself. Then she started screaming at me to let go of her hair! It couldn't possibly be her own hair, human hair does not grow that long! And somehow she'd attached the piece so it wouldn't come off!

Now look, I spend lots of money at your store. If I want to buy a fall, I will, and no employee is going to stop me! I demand that you give me a $100,000 for my embarrassment and that lovely fall the employee was wearing, or you will hear from my lawyer!

Maya Ownworld

03-03-2015, 12:37 PM
Dear Ms. Ownworld,

The employee's hair is real and we will not give you $100,000. However, we've enclosed a gift card for you to use.


F. Ashion

Dear Theatre Manager,

You had no right to have my husband and I arrested and banned. All we were doing was lying on the floor in front of the screen with no clothes on making love. Those customers who complained need to learn that my husband and I were trying to make things interesting since the movie was boring. I demand you lift the ban and give my husband and I free movies and refreshments for life or we will go into the refreshment lobby, undress, and make love on the floor.


Mrs. Lovemaker

03-04-2015, 03:54 AM
Dear Mrs. Lovemaker,

Why did you come to a screening of Mamma Mia if you don't like dull chick flicks that use every cliche in the book?

Look, I agree it was dull, but you did something illegal. Get over it! Nothing free for you! And if you do that in here you will be arrested again!

~Mrs. Algia Critic

Dear Rlyeh Tailors,

It's been three days! Get your fhtagn butts down here and tailor the holes in my garment or I'll come up there in person and DRIVE YOU ALL INSANE!!!

~Your Most High Overlord, Cthulu

03-04-2015, 04:31 AM
All hail our mighty lord,

I am dishonored to report that we have been unable to attend you personally, there apparently exists an evil to rival that of your greatness. She came into our shop while we were preparing the ritual, and threatened to burn us down if we did not attend to her needs right this very second (and promised to pay in the blood of innocents). She wanted this HORRENDOUSLY ugly sweater dry cleaned as there was "red wine" that had soaked in the front.

We had been told it was spilled at a party, but one look at the brown stain and we knew it wasn't red wine. So when she comes to pay with the blood, we promise to be right down to take care of your issues All Mighty Lord, however if you wish to devour her for your own great pleasure, she says her name is Mary Christmas (think thats how she spelled it), at least according to the form she filled out.

Please be patient a little longer oh great one, for we will bring a blood scarifice to further your greatness!


Dear State University,

I want to lodge a formal complaint about your incredibly rude employee, from this morning. I had a MASSIVE paper due that I needed printed out for my 8am class, and the rude bitch in the lab refused to let me in even though the clock said 7:56.

She said she can't let me in till exactly 8am or she could get fired, she THEN told me that the only place I could print off my 200 page report was the library ALL the way across the quad since that was the only place open before then.

There were at LEAST 2 other people in the lab working beside the printers and 2 other people messing around with the computers in the lab itself!

I DEMAND you fire her for being so rude, and not bending the rules for me, let me in to print at ANY time I want, and give me free printing funds for the rest of my college career here!

If you don't i will tell my father who knows the president of the college and personally have everyone in the entire department fired!

Hatefully yours,
Edward Whinamaker III

03-04-2015, 09:07 AM
Dear Mr. Whinamaker,

I'm afraid that we can't do that. You see, we had a bunch of kids doing their huge reports and our printing system completely BROKE. We've had to send students to the local library to print things!

However, the professors are giving a one week extension. Despite this, your threats hold no water. The president is being fired for dating a student.

Sincerely, Mrs. G'dam Ineptt Adminstration

Dear Rlyeh Temple

The time is nigh. Our most loyal follower, Miss Ivy Christmas-Freak (soon to be Ivy Oldgods), has sent samples of her mother's blood. Much depends on this battle, and this will allow us to harness her power.

I faced the woman myself and she was not driven insane. This is all hands on deck. This is war! SO SPEED UP THE WORK!

P.S. Who stitched the green into my garment? It is a pleasing shade.

Prepare to rise from the ocean!,


03-06-2015, 10:51 PM
Dear Cthulu,

My staff is working on analyzing the blood as we speak and we should have the results soon. Glad you like the green in your garment.


Temple Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went up to the service desk employee, demanded a manager, and your employee had the nerve to ask if there was anything she could help with. If I want a manager, your employees should get one no questions asked. I am very important and I don't want to waste time talking to people below my class. I demand you tell employees to get a manager without question when a customer asks or I will burn down your store.


Ida Snob

03-06-2015, 11:24 PM
Dear Miss Snob

We will gladly instruct our staff to get a manager every time they see you. If I'm working, I'll handle you myself. And we'll also keep the fire department on speed dial.


Luke Totake Charge,

Grocery store manager.

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Dear Chilibee's,

I went to your restaurant with my son last night, and we were horrified at what we saw.
Firstly, it's inappropriate for a 50 year old man to be out with a 25 year old woman at the table next to us.
Secondly, it's inappropriate for her to have him bring out a white pharmacy bag, remove a clear liquid and two syringes, use one syringe on an orange, and then have the girl tell this man exactly how to draw out the liquid from the bottle and inject it in himself! Clear drug use and my son had to witness it!
Thirdly, it's wrong that the girl gives him some dolls to look at, and he looks up their skirts! What is he, a pervert?

That was the final straw!

I called the manager, and he talked to them. The manager acted as if he'd known the old man for years! I couldn't believe how chummy they were! I overheard their conversation.
"Father just found out he's a diabetic yesterday. I'm a nurse and I visited him 'cause I've got a three day weekend. I saw how sick Daddy was and made him go to the hospital yesterday, and now I'm helping him learn to draw, measure, and use his insulin, including giving himself some shots. He needed my help because he doesn't know how to do shots and I live out of town. I'm visiting for the three-day weekend. And, that since I'm here since Daddy loves coming to Chilibee's every chance he gets, it's a good place to help him learn what foods he can and can't have anymore, since he knows your menu so well."
And then he said that his daughter bought the dolls at a toy shop as a present for the kids, but that one of the skirts had become crooked and so he was readjusting it. Poppycock!

Well, when your manager came to me and said "Mr. Green is one of our favorite regulars. He's here at least once a paycheck, and it's nice that he can come an extra time because his daughter is visiting from Portland and is picking up the tab, so we will not be throwing him out," I just got mad!

I called the police to report these two and their illicit actions! The police came up, interviewed them, and found nothing wrong except Mr. Green's high blood sugar. Well, that just did it! I was so angry I overturned their table, stormed off and left, and didn't pay for my food! I have no intention of paying for my meal! Not after what we witnessed!

My son is traumatized from the horrible things he's soon! I demand ten million dollars, and a strict no drug, no pervert policy! I also want gift cards for myself and my son so we can eat forever for free, and that that manager who is clearly chummy with drug-using, illicit lover perverts, be fired!

If you refuse, I'll plant drugs and then call the police again. I'll bet we'll see some law and order then, I guarantee!


Mrs. Ova Reeact.

03-10-2015, 09:30 AM
Dear Mrs. Reeact,

The elderly man has been a customer for years and all of our staff like when he comes in since he treats the staff with respect. Since you didn't pay for your food and threatened to plant drugs, you are banned from the restaurant.


C. Alm

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off assigning detention to my daughter? All she did was cut classes because they were boring. I demand you reverse the detention and allow my daughter to attend only the classes she wants. If you don't, I will take my daughter out of school and homeschool her.


Mrs. Skipper

03-10-2015, 03:36 PM
Dear Mrs. Skipper,

And this is a threat...how? By all means, homeschool your child. Just realize, she has to pass the state exams or you'll be in a lot of hot water. Considering that your daughter Ima currently has a GPA of 0.01 and that is with trained teachers, I can't imagine how you'll pull that one off.

Good luck,
Ed U. Cation-Rules, principal,
Areyou High School

* * * * *

Deer Prinsipul Kashunrools,

Momie haz bin teeching me 4 a munth nao N I kent keyp up. Lernin is hard! I hav 2 think N evrything! It hurtz! I wan a dip-loama, kent U just gimme 1? Doo it orr I tel evry1 on-line N at the mawl that U suk N shud B fiyered!

Sin Seer Lee,
Ima Skipper

03-14-2015, 10:15 AM
Dear Ms. Skipper,

Enclosed is a phonics book. Hopefully this will help you out so you'll be able to earn your diploma.


Ed U. Cation-Rules

Dear Clothing Store Manager,

You rude employee had no right to have me arrested. All I did was try on clothes in the middle of the store since I won't go near the fitting rooms. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to try on clothes wherever I want to. If you don't, I will undress at the checkout and then run around the store wearing nothing.


Mrs. Exposure

03-17-2015, 01:19 AM
Dear Mrs. Exposure

It's a crime to walk around skyclad in the middle of a store, or in any public place. We don't want you to try on clothes anywhere but the fitting rooms, because that's where it's sequestered and safe to try clothes on. We will not be dropping the charges.


Miss Julia Monarch,

Manager of Emerging Butterfly Clothing Boutique.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Discoveries Amphitheater, and the bar that goes with it,

Bandemonium, your big annual event where local new rock bands that pass your committee's muster gather to play in hopes of making it big has proven to be a big break for many local bands in the last few years that it's been done. It was supposed to be mine, too!

Me and my band, Yvonne and the Banshees, were supposed to be the highlight of the show. My girls and I practiced for almost a year. But the day before our audition before the committee, I went out to a bar with the girls. Half of the girls decided to leave the bar, saying they thought we should rest so we could be fresh and clear-headed for the show, while I and the other half stayed and partied the night away. So Me, Donna, and Julie stayed at the bar partying while Vivian, Wendy, and Kathleen decided to be party-poopers and go home.

The next morning, Donna didn't even show for our audition and I had a hangover. In the last few minutes of rehersal before we were called up to audition, Julie asked to be allowed to sit out because she didn't feel like drumming, so a boy called Erick from the audience who happened to be a drummer but didn't quite make it into the show on his own was asked to take over for her, by Vivian, our keyboardist, and he did.
Vivian, also actually insisted that I stop singing and sit down, and put Wendy, my backup vocalist, in my place!
As for Kathleen, everyone clapped after her guitar solo!

Well, your committee accepted the Banshees, consisting of Vivian, Kathleen, Wendy, and that boy drummer, Erick. What's a boy drummer doing in the Banshees? What about me?

Well, when Bandemonium began that next day, but before the bands started playing I called up Julie and Donna and we met at the stadium bar.
I began to drink, and so did Donna, but Julie didn't drink at all. And I drank and I drank and I drank, to the point where Julie and the bartender both said I'd had enough and needed to leave the bar and get some coffee. Julie said she deserved to be left out and will try again next year, and that we should celebrate the success of our friends.
Donna and I weren't having any of that! I vowed to get revenge.
"I said, if we can't be the stars, nobody can, so here's what we're going to do . . ."
Oh, I had a fantastic plan, and I told Donna and Julie exactly I had in mind.
Next thing I know, Julie's running off to place a phone call to Kathleen. Something about, "Kath, just a heads up. I can see Yvonne getting drunk again and we all know how dangerous she can get when she . . ."
That's all she got to before I knocked her cell phone out of her hands and stomped on it. Julie ran from us and I never saw that coward again.

So I sent Donna to go get our boombox, which has us playing together, with me in the lead and all of us together, no boys, and to play it as loud as it would go when The Banshees began playing. Donna even hooked it up to the sound system. The traitors were completely drowned out, until security came up and ripped the boombox out of Donna's hands and carried her away.

So, I was really mad then. I went up to the concession booth and sprayed pink spraypaint all over our Yvonne and the Banshees shirts, posters, and even our cds. If we all couldn't succeed together, I sure wasn't going to let them succeed alone.

But then security grabs me and carries me away! He tells me "Miss Beethastarr, you're under arrest for public intoxication, malicious mischief on the order of sabotage, and terroristic threats, and obviously vandalism!"

How dare that bartender not cut me off when he saw me getting as drunk as I was? He should have known what I planned to do! This is all his fault!
I demand that you ban Viv, Wendy, Kathleen, and that boy, Erick, from any further events at your theater! I also demand that they all be arrested and locked up in jail with me! I further demand that I and I alone be permitted to perform our entire set in front of cameras and all the local stations, just like at Bandemonium! And I demand that you drop all charges, and that you make some record company give me a ten million dollar solo contract!

And on top of all that, I demand that you remove all of the promotional materials, like the new song I heard playing on the radio by Erick and the Banshees! called Thank you, Julie, about a girl who overhears a conspiracy and, rather than taking part or doing nothing, warns her best friend, then calls the cops. Plus I want a full bottle of aspirin!

If you don't do all those things that I demand that you do, when I get out of here, I'm going to blow up Discoveries Amphitheater, film it, and use that as the background to my next music video, Revenge of Yvonne!

Furiously yours,

Yvonne A. Beethastarr.

03-20-2015, 08:07 AM
Dear Ms. Beethastarr,

You need to learn to drink responsibly and you didn't. We couldn't allow you or your drunk bandmates to perform in your current states. We won't be dropping the charges but we will send some asprin. The only person that will be bannned is you until the enclosed bill is fully paid.


P. R. Omotor

Dear Office Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was post on Facebook is that you're a jerk and that I spend my shift reading fanfiction. I demand you rehire me and allow me to do whatever I want on the job. If you don't, I will post on my Facebook page that you steal money out of the registers.


Donna Wanda Work

Lace Neil Singer
03-21-2015, 06:16 PM
Dear Ms Work,

I think that your memory is at fault here a tiny bit. Not only did you post that, but you also posted a photograph of a voodoo doll in my image stuck with a dozen pins, a rambling screed on how you would like to murder me by disemboweling me with with a stapler and a very disturbing conversation with a young man named "Death" about the best places to bury my mangled corpse. I have printed out the screenshots and have informed the police as I fear for my life. As for your other threat, good luck on doing that with a permanent ban from Facebook, as I also forwarded what you posted to them and they have decided to shut down your page.

Yours sincerely,

Store Manager.


Dear Manager of Krap-Mart,

I am absolutely disgusted at the way that you continue to supply plastic bags to shoppers. Don't you know that plastic bags are the tool of Satan and extremely damaging to the environment? You might as well be selling ivory and tiger skins. I demand that you replace your plastic bags with washable ones of woven cloth, or else I will call up all my old hippy friends in order to stage a sit in protest outside your store.


Ms Ima Kerazi.

03-25-2015, 12:23 AM
Dear Ms. Kerazi,

Feel free to stage a sit in protest if you'd like. However, some of our customers prefer the plastic bags and we have reusable bags for sale in our store.


C. Loth

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went up to the checkout and your rude employee was cleaning the belt. I was offended so I went to another checkout where the belt wasn't being cleaned. I demand you tell your employees not to clean around customers because it's offensive. If you don't, I will take all of the cleaners from the registers and dump out all of the liquid on the floor.


Mrs. Important

03-25-2015, 12:46 AM
Dear mrs Important,

I apologize for the inconvenience, but someone had opened up 32 packages of of chicken breasts and thighs and the cashier was cleaning up the mess because another unhappy customer didn't agree with the prices.

We will have our employees clean their belts as needed to keep your food safe.

E. Coli
Supermarket manager.

Dear Rlyeh Tailors,

Someone has breached my domain......you have failed.....the evil beast has brought the war to me!


ps- she brought holly, mistletoe, and that pagan tree lighting thing!

03-25-2015, 03:44 AM
Dear Mr. Johnson,

I sent warnings that your web site was going to expire for non-payment for 3 months now. Since you let your web site lapse, we let another customer use christmastreefun.com for her business.

We will not let you have another site on our servers until you become current with the money you owe us.


Rlyeh Tailors, Chief Sales Manager, Web Hosters, LLC


Dear Office Store,

I read somewhere that girls are turned on by guys with large packages. I decided to buy your large 3'x3'x2' box to turn my girlfriend on. When my girlfriend showed up at my place, she laughed at the package I bought at your store. She told me that I should return the box. When I tried to return the box, the clerk told me that I couldn't return the box because it had been "used."

How could you take advantage of that kind of misinformation? You people should be ashamed of yourselves.


Hugh G. Rection

03-25-2015, 09:03 PM
Dear Mr. Rection,

Yes, some women are very excited by a huge package. But the word package isn't intended to mean a box, unless, of course, it's Christmastime or anniversary time.
And haven't you read the list of bylaws I have passed? All returns are banned at my company!

As for being ashamed, not a chance. I rule this company thanks to a hostile takeover, and I will never, never let it go. I may let you go as a customer, though, because I find you are insufficiently worshipful and I do not appreciate it.

But I thank you, for now I have decided, because of you, to impose an idiot surcharge. So you aren't banned. But you may bow and grovel before my picture.


Mr. Poe Tentate.

Owner & supreme lord of Office Despot.


Dear Mother Jane's Pizza,

Your new BaconMeister pizza tasted just wonderful from the big supply of pizzas on the munchie table that the organizer had bought at your parlor and brought to the anti-vaccine rally. So when it ended, I decided to go and order one.

Well, we leave the rally and go to your parlor. While I'm letting my sons run around, they start coughing all over the place. Naturally, I give my sons Kleenex to wipe it up and tell them to do it while I put my attention back to waiting for the pizza.

But the very day after my children ate your grossly undercooked bacon-infested pizza, they came down with a horrible sickness! All sorts of red dots on their face, and a gruesome rash, for one thing, not to mention several other illnesses! And worse yet, I heard several other kids from the rally had also gotten sick. I'm not surprised, since there were people eating your pizza there.

So naturally about ten days later, I heard that that parlor had temporarily closed. I called to complain, but was told by your assistant manager, Miss Ree Spon Sible, that your store had a measles outbreak that the pizza parlor was shutting down until the health department cleared it.

But what about my sons? I demand that their medical bills be paid, along with the homeopathic and herbal remedies that I bought for them first before I finally had to take them to a doctor! I'm out bucketfulls of money! I intended to complain about your sickening pizza earlier, but I was so busy taking my kids to homeopathic healers and herbalists, and then finally to a hospital, that I never had time to call your store until I heard that it had closed.

I demand that you give me four million dollars, one million to pay all the medical and assorted bills, one million to cover my own pain, suffering, humiliation, and just plain stress! Plus one million for my time, and one million for punitive measures!

I also demand that you provide my family with free pizza for life - but that you strip bacon from your list of toppings!

This is all your fault and I demand restitution! If you refuse, I'll go back to my friends at the rally, and the media, and I'll hire a lawyer, and I will own your company by the time I'm through! And don't you think I won't! I've done it before, although the company I won before mysteriously folded after all the staff quit. Oh well, that won't happen this time. I'll bar them from quitting!

Angrily yours,

Miss Lil Whitelie.

Lace Neil Singer
03-28-2015, 05:43 PM
Dear Miss Whitelie,

You're an anti-vaxxer, right? Well, I hate to break it to you, but your kids have measles which is a preventable disease if you vaccinate. They did not catch this from our pizza, but probably from some other idiot who refuses to vaccinate. Also, your disease ridden kids gave my employee, who has an immune system problem and can't be vaccinated measles, meaning that I had no choice but to shut the store. I have informed the local health authority about you and the fact that you were responsible for the measles outbreak, and you won't be getting anything from me. I also would recommend you get your kids vaccinated as measles can cause brain damage and I'd hate for them to suffer the same fate as you.

Yours insincerely,

Mother Jane.

PS Good luck with your run to the local paper. My daughter runs that and I have already given her the story about you and your measles bearing children. Enjoy reading about it in the next edition.


Dear manager of ice cream store,

I took my eight children to your store the other day, only to find out that you had run out of their favourite flavour of chocolate. They cried all the way home, you evil witch. I demand a £500 gift voucher and a grovelling letter of apology or I will never go to your store again.


Miss I Hayte-Thepil

04-02-2015, 12:51 PM
Dear Miss Hayte-Thepil,

Enclosed is a £500 gift card and coupons for free ice cream. We apologize for running out but the flavors are very popular so it's hard to keep them constantly in stock.


S. Coop

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your store to get some Easter baskets and was offended to find that some of the baskets had candy in them. Don't you realize how bad candy is for you? I demand you remove the candy and replace it with healthy foods. If you don't, I will take all of the candy off the shelf and set it on fire.


Mrs. Healthnut

04-03-2015, 03:29 AM
Dear Mrs. Nut
Candy sells. Don't believe us, check our profit margin.
now go pout for someone who gives a flying f**k.

Harvey T. I. Bunny (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_(film))
Dime-A-Product Grocery CEO

Dear Admins of Customers Suck Dot Com,

I have NEVER been more insulted! I have been banned from your website because of my profession! This is discrimination! Just because I posted tasteful images of my physical relations with my 19-year old boy-toy on your site, does NOT give your staff the right to ban me!
I DEMAND you reinstate my account and repost my images, or I will... flame-war every post I can read!

Cluel Esspron Star

04-03-2015, 10:29 AM
Dear Ms. Star,

We do not allow pornographic pictures on our site. We also do not allow spam or harassing other members. After all, we wouldn't want a penis pump spam on a website called "Customers Suck."




Dear US Army,

I was appaled that one of your generals would blow up a huge bomb underground. Now there is a huge hole near Petersburg, VA (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Crater). In fact, you admitted that General Ambrose Burnside set off the explosives. I demand that you bring back Burnside and make him fill that hole back in.


Histor Icle Dullard

04-04-2015, 10:01 AM
Dear Mr. Dullard,

General Burnside passed away more than a century ago. Therefore, someone else will have to fill that hole.


D. Y. Namite
Army Captain

Dear Furniture Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was sleep on the sofa during my shifts. I demand you rehire me and allow me to sleep all I want on the job. If you don't, I will tell everyone I know that you make your employees work during their shifts.


Mrs. Sleeper

04-08-2015, 11:51 PM
To the Unique Personality "Sleeper",

We did not fire you. Noooo, we promoted you. Your new position is one we call "Domicile Horizontal Administrator". In your new position, you will be required to ensure that the furniture of your own home has not been moved, and your couch is properly prepared for rest and relaxation.
Sadly, your new position is unpaid, but you can sleep all you wish. If you are unsatisfied, we can introduce you to our Head of Security, Jim Malone (https://jmmnewaov2.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/13gguntouchables07.jpg). His methods, whilst a bit extreme, produce excellent results. Our last after-hours customer, thanks to Mr. Malone, now resides at Country Lane Memorial Gardens.

E. Ness
Manager of Treasury Dept. Furniture



We at the Children's Play Palace regret to ask you to curtail your staff. One of your faculty broke in three days ago (as of your receipt of this letter) and arranged the balls in the ball-pit by color. The offending faculty member was identified as Dr. S. Cooper by another of your staff, Dr. L. Hoffschtedter.
Please, for the sake of our customers and their children, inform Dr. Cooper he is not welcome here.

Blue Shift
Head of Security -- Children's Play Palace.

04-09-2015, 03:25 AM
Dear Mr. Shift,

We do not currently employ anyone with those names. We believe that two of our students may have been responsible for that simple prank. After all, our students have a rich history of pranks, including The Great Rose Bowl Hoax (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Rose_Bowl_Hoax).

If you can give us a description of the two pranksters, we will talk to them about this.


Redshift Doppler, Dean of Student Affairs, California Institute of Technology


Dear Computer Medics,

How dare you give me shoddy advice? I called your help desk about not having enough hard drive space for my por, uh, I mean my applications. You suggested that I clean the junk files out of my computer. So, I decided to put it in the dishwasher. Now, thanks to you jerks, my computer doesn't run anymore.

I demand that you give me money to replace my computer and $50,000 in restitution.


Ludd Ite

04-13-2015, 11:24 PM
Dear Mr. Ite,

Computers don't belong in a dishwasher. At all. We told you to clean it out with an anti-virus program. We will not give you anything, but we have called the police based upon some of the sites where you got your, uh, applications, from. They'll have quite a lot to say to you, I'm sure. You won't need a computer any longer.


Doctor Tex Nology, manager of Computer Medics.


Dear Jamocha Coffee Shop,

When I went to your store, which specializes in coffees from the Caribbean, I found your decor, which looked like a beach in Jamaica, to be just delightful. You even promise to be an oasis of island paradise on a busy, bustling street. Unfortunately, that decor was all I found delightful or paradisaical in your shop.

It was my first day off from my important corporate executive job in several days. Don't you know how important I am? I make billions for my company, and for myself, every single day by telling people what they want to hear. It's not my fault people can't read contracts carefully any longer.

And it's not my fault that the stores down the street, which Jamocha happened to be on, have such horrible customer service! They denied me my proper eighty percent discount for buying broken merchandise, I couldn't get one of the staff working there to stop challenging me as a thief until I stepped on him . . .
In short, it was a horrid day and I wanted to go and get some relaxation and relief somewhere. And there was your place, Jamocha, and so I went in there for some sanctuary.

At first everything went well, but your clerk kept telling firstly that my debit card didn't work. How dare she tell me that? I had to pay in cash. She didn't see that I took the cash to pay for my coffee from the tip jar, but it's her own fault. She should've been more vigilant.

Well, when I finally got my coffee, it was ice cold! Naturally I demanded it be remade, and twice over, they still didn't get it right. They offered me my money back, and I accepted it. Then some little boy said that I had lied and taken the money from the tip jar, and when the employees looked, they saw it was empty.

I was so mad I tore down the nets on the walls, smashed the fish tank, pushed the little boy, and was about to stomp on him, when some horrible woman stepped up.

She held up a doll and said that she was security - spiritual security. If I didn't leave, she'd make me leave. So I tried to trample her, and the next thing I know, she's using the voodoo doll to make me walk out, and so I do walk out.

I walk out, without my own consent, right into a moving car that crashes right in to me!

Now I'm in the hospital, losing money every day, and I heard that they're checking my contracts and my books. I expect your store to make full restitution to me! You'll give me what I want, or I'll sue, and with the power of their lawyers, our corporation will own your store!


Fraudzilla, aka Miss Ann E. Thingto Winn, officer # 302 in the 1,000 top corporate executives at Because We Said So!

04-20-2015, 09:18 AM
Dear Ms. Winn,

We are pressing charges and banning you from our store. Also, your manager will be receiving a copy of your letter.


F. Oldgers
Coffee Shop Manager

Dear Airport Manager,

Where do you get off putting me on a later flight? All I did was show up half an hour before my plane was scheduled to take off which should be plenty of time. I demand free flights for the next four months to make up for this. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the flight information.


Mrs. Casual

04-21-2015, 02:51 AM
Dear Airport Manager,

Where do you get off putting me on a later flight? All I did was show up half an hour before my plane was scheduled to take off which should be plenty of time. I demand free flights for the next four months to make up for this. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the flight information.


Mrs. Casual

Dear Mrs. Casual,

We are awarding you one free flight to the country of your choice. The only stipulation is that is a one-way flight. We hear Outer Mongolia is nice this time of year. Enjoy your trip.

A. Cessna
Airport Manager


Dear Bakery Owner,

Four months ago my daughter-in-law ordered a wedding cake from your store. It was her own concept and was just perfectly darling, 5 layers high with a roller coaster on top. Well, on the day of the wedding, right before the VERY EXPENSIVE reception, one of my friends told me we had a PROBLEM! At first I thought the wedding party had been in a car accident, but my friend said no, it was worse than that! Your cheaply-made cake was tipping over!! And the roller coaster was falling off the top!! Imagine my HORROR and SUFFERING! Even the 20 little kids who were running around and playing under the table were upset! I DEMAND you refund the entire cost of the cake and give me $10,000 for my embarrassment. If you don't I'll post nasty reviews about your store online!!!

Mrs. A. Battleaxe

04-26-2015, 07:08 PM
Dear Mrs. Battleaxe,

Your daughter was warned that the coaster wouldn't stay on a 5 layer cake and she refused to listen. Therefore, you'll receive nothing.


C. Ake

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store and I kept being greeted. When I shop, I want to shop in peace. I demand you make employees stop greeting customers. If you don't, I will hire a demolition crew to wreck your store.


Leaf Mealone

05-07-2015, 04:12 PM
Dear Mr. Mealone,

Our associates practice customer service. We like to help customers find what they need. If you don't like our clerks asking you questions, we do have the option of online ordering. You can shop to your hearts content. We'll even deliver it to you. Please don't call a demolition crew.


Berry Apple, Good Foods Grocery


Dear Heindrich German Restaurant,

How could you do this to me? The large male human of the family I'm with said that there was a new rat seller in town. I decided that I needed to check this out for myself since I haven't seen a rat since living here. When the large female human opened the door to do whatever she does all day, I made a mad dash and escaped the "house." When I made it to your so called "rat seller," I was able to get in when these nice humans opened the door for me.

When one of the humans saw me, he chased me around with this broom-like object. I was able to get away from him and that thing by hiding under boxes. That's when these guys in uniforms came by and stuffed me in the back of their truck. Then, I had to face that "veterinarian" woman again. I wish she would stop sticking that thing in my rear end.

After the family of humans came and stuffed me in their car, they gave me something they claimed came from you. Although it was delicious, it didn't taste like rat at all. It tasted like beef. How could you deceive me like that? Please tell my family my name is not Fluffy, it's Sampson.

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

(Note: A rathskeller is a type of German restaurant.)

05-07-2015, 09:05 PM
Dear Fluffy,

We are NOT a "rat seller" - having rats on the premises would get us shut down by the health department. You misheard the description of the type of restaurant we are.

As it stands, one of the customers on the premises when you arrived was an inspector from the health department. We were temporarily shut down (just long enough to clean up) due to YOUR presence - fortunately the inspector realized that it was not OUR decision to allow you on the premises, otherwise we would have been shut down for longer. You are also lucky that Billy Bob Redneck had just left before you arrived - he frequently asks for "roof rabbit", which is a variety of meat we do not stock.


A. Kraut, restaurant manager

P.S. A user on the internet forum "Customers Suck", who obfuscates their employer's name as "The Litter Box", would like to have a word with you.

Dear baked goods seller,

I am disappointed by your misleading advertising. I purchased a pack of Little Debbie snack cakes, and found that there was NO Little Debbie in them. In the past, I've encountered the same problem with Girl Scout Cookies. If you don't include the advertised "magic" ingredient in the products you sell, YOU are on the menu.


Anthro Phage

05-08-2015, 12:46 AM
Mr. Phage,
We are not responsible for the packaging of the products we sell. We have reported you to the FBI, as it appears you've been a few ram-phages before. As a free gift, please enjoy the outfit (http://media.fyre.co/XW2PQVyVTXmU5FGUfQ69_459fe03ae7a0e4d2d267f110.L[1].jpg) we have enclosed.

J. E. Hoover
Fully Baked Ingestibles -- Director

Dear Bulletproof Software,
Recently a buddy of mine and I were getting drunk on Bud and buzzed on mountain-grass when we decided to play some Block Stacker. Well, your name came up on the credits, and my bud, Jethro, said, "They's ain't bulletproof!"
I replied, " 'es 'ey are. I'll prove it! Hol' muh beer! Watch this!"
I took the game into the yard and put four .44 Magnum bullets into it. Lo an' behold, they went clean through! And the game di'n't play none neither!
I demands my money back, five pounds of mountain-grass and free beer fer life!

Buzz D. Ijit

05-13-2015, 06:48 AM
Dear Mr. Ijit,

We are not responsible for damages that you cause and we don't sell alcoholic beverages. Therefore, you'll receive nothing.

G. Amer

Dear Restaurant Manager,

Where do you get off making me leave just because the kitchen caught on fire? I was enjoying my dinner and I never got to finish it. I demand you give me a replacement meal and free meals for the rest of the year to make up for this. If you don't, I will smash all of the wineglasses and pour wine on all of the tables.


Wanda Eatmyfood

Lace Neil Singer
05-23-2015, 11:42 AM
Dear Ms Eatmyfood,

The restaurant actually burned to the ground; thank God for insurance! You are indeed welcome to come and sit in the ashes and have a meal; I'll buy you a sandwich and a bottle of Coke, myself! I'm currently in talks to restart the restaurant at new premises, I look forward to seeing you there once we're open.

Yours sincerely,

Restaurant Manager (and owner).


Dear McDonalds Manager,

Your food is so fattening, after eating your food for four years I put on twenty stone! Since it's your fault that I'm obese, I demand compensation. About twenty grand ought to do it, a thousand for every stone you made me put on.

Yours, Mr I Ateloads.

05-24-2015, 12:50 AM
Dear Mr. Ateloads,

We agree, our food is good, but there is such a thing as self-control. Your demands are denied, but we will gladly offer you a coupon for one free Big Mac Combo.

Eat in good health,

Ms. Ress Apie, McDonalds Manager.


Dear Invasive Jumbostore,

I went to your store because I heard that you had a great big sale on meat. So I went, and I bought all the meat I could. By the time I was finished, I had my shopping carts full and you didn't have any of the meat left in your bunkers. So everything was fine, but when I got up to the register, you wouldn't take my coupons. I had an entire shopping cart full of coupons before I even came into your store and started getting meat.
So what if I went through the ten items or less lane? I had only one item - meat.
Finally, your employees wouldn't let me use my coupons at all, so I went through the self-checkout and used my coupons, entering them by hand and overriding the error messages.
I was able to pay for all my meat for the price I expected to pay, two dollars and seventy five cents.

So what's this big bill I've gotten in the mail for five hundred dollars? I refuse to pay it and I'm not bringing back that meat! If you people can't accept legitimate coupons, that's not my problem.

Not only will I not pay this bill, I demand five hundred million dollars myself for the trouble this has caused me! It embarrassed me in front of all my friends on my big feast night, and I'm telling you, my friends eat like piranhas.

I'm going to sue you people for harassment, and I've got to tell you, Bruce Amity, my lawyer, is a real shark. He's better than Perry Mason and he's deadlier than a fisherman. He'll get me my money, and free meat for life. So you should be afraid of him. Trust me. Even air tanks shot by a gun, electrical wires, bombs in the mouth, and being rammed in the side by an angry, crazy woman on a boat haven't killed him yet. So he will thoroughly enjoy you.

Do yourself a favour. I'll settle for four hundred million right now. If you won't give me that, and you're not afraid of Bruce Amity, I'll come back with all my school chums. We can get mean, and we know how to take a chunk of out things ourselves.

Signed, Mr. Barry Cuda.

OOC: I stayed out of the game for a while because I thought my letters were breaking the game. If I am, do let me know.

05-25-2015, 07:49 AM
Dear Mr. Cuda,

Those coupons were valid but they were not for meat. Therefore, we are pressing charges for coupon fraud and you are banned until the bill is fully paid.


V. Alid
Store Manager

Dear Police Captain,

You had no right to have me arrested just because I ran around the track wearing nothing. I'm a police officer so it's illegal to arrest me. I demand you release me from this cell so I can go arrest some criminals. If you don't, I will change all of the police files which I can get away with since I'm a police officer.


Miss Officer I. M. Mune

05-27-2015, 12:12 AM
Dear Officer Mune,

As you know perfectly well, your ex-wife runs on that track every day, in her clothing. And as you know perfectly well, your constant attempts to win her back after she caught you in bed with the babysitter succeeded only in getting you subjected to a restraining order. You knew she'd be on the track at that time. Though we will never condone nudity, we are thankful that you left your gun behind, this time.

You belong in jail and are an embarrassment to the force!

Yours sincerely, A. G. J. U. Stice


Dear By the Gross-ery,

I went to your store to go buy a case with a hundred cans of my favourite, Peter Out peanut butter, which, tastes terrific but really becomes underwhelming fast. Then even have a great jingle - "You'll love our peanut butter, we know without a doubt. But eat it fast because it's Peter Out."

Anyway, as I'm getting there, old Mrs. McFeeble is there with help from her son, and they are getting the last case of a hundred cans of Peter Out! And I want it. So while she is there holding the cart, and her son is putting the case in the cart, I ram the cart expecting to knock it away so her son drops the case, and I'll be able to get it.

But your horrible employees do an awful job cleaning up your store! I slip on some water! Water, I tell you. Not only do I land flat on my back, but my plan to ram carts misfires and my cart crashes right in to Mrs. McFeeble!

She falls to the floor and your staff all run to her, as does her son. Nobody notices me at all. So, even though my back is in awful pain, I am able to crawl the last case and get it. And you know what really makes me see red? After I get home, it turns out that it wasn't Peter Out I bought at all! It was Skimpy peanut butter. I hate Skimpy!

And before you ask me "Well, have you tried Gyp yet?" I want you to know just how outraged I am! How dare your store have a wet floor? How dare you run out of what I came for? How dare you allow Mrs McFeeble and her son into your store and treat them like they're something special just because she got hit by a shopping cart?

I want ten trillion dollars for my pain and suffering and lifetime supply of Peter Out, but, of course, given to me one a week. It's no good after a week because it really does live up to its name.

If you refuse, I will go to your store and set off the fire alarms so your entire floor will be sopping wet! And then I will take all the Skimpy and Gyp that I can and smear your walls with it, and I won't stop until I get my money!

Signed, Miss Getall Thatt Iwant.

05-27-2015, 05:14 AM
Dear Miss Iwant,

You admitted planning to commit assault and battery just to get some crummy peanut butter. Now you're planning vandalism and setting a false alarm. Right, I'm forwarding this letter to the police department. I foresee you spending a long time behind bars, eating their rock-bottom brand of peanut butter and green bologna.

Oh, and try Carter's All-Natural Peanut Butter. It beats all the other brands by a country mile!

Mr. Bulk Purchase, owner,
By-The-Grocery Food Warehouse

* * * * *

Dear Crap...er, Craft Store,

What the hell is wrong with you! I wanted new curtains for my house, so I ran right over and picked the prettiest fabric you had. The bitch at the cutting table had the nerve to ask me if I'd measured my windows. Like, why should I? Isn't it her JOB to know how much fabric I'd want? Then she refused to cut and sew each individual curtain for me! Again, isn't that her job? Why should I do it myself?!

I can't believe how useless your people are! I demand that you fire all of them and hire some slaves willing workers to do all of my work for me!

Mrs. Vera High-Maintenance
OOC: I stayed out of the game for a while because I thought my letters were breaking the game. If I am, do let me know.
It looks like my letters are the game-breaker, not yours.

06-01-2015, 10:52 AM
Dear Mrs. High-Maintenance,

Our employees cut and supply the fabric for customers. If you want someone to measure and sew your curtains, hire a maid.


Nota Slave

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was in line behind a customer who had WIC checks. She had to keep running back to get the proper items since she didn't have the right ones. I was steamed that I had to wait so I took my groceries without paying for them. I demand you stop this program immediately or I will break into the formula section and pour all of the formula on the floor.


Mrs. Supreme

06-02-2015, 04:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Supreme-L'Awful,

Yes, we recall you well. You're the person who likes to snoop on what other people buy when they have food stamps, too.
We recall how you grabbed the ice cream box, the special treat for that boy's birthday next week, out of his hands and chastised his mother for daring to spend your tax dollars on such things! You made such a fuss that you made the news, but not in a good way . . .

And now you're back to bother people who have WIC checks and aren't skilled at using them yet. So you stole groceries from us and want us to ban a program?

How about we just ban you instead? And there was feasting and merriment throughout the store, for the dragon-lady had been banned for all time.


Miss E. Quality.


Dear Bluebox manager,

How dare you send me a bill? I should be billing you! And for so many thousands? I demand a million from you instead!

It all started because I won a free movie rental as a promo and let my kids have it. So, while I stayed in the restaurant, eating my dinner, my kids went to Bluebox and picked a free movie.
They picked Alice in Burtonland, where a grown woman cuts Helena B. Carter down to size.

I couldn't believe it when we took the movie home and watched it! What filth! It was the most disgusting movie I ever saw! How dare they make a movie about a woman, a woman, who slays a dragon and takes down a queen all on her own, with no help from a man?

Well, I was so outraged that when the movie was over, I snapped the disk in two, then I went to the Bluebox where they got it from and broke it with my tools, cracking it open and breaking it to bits. Then I destroyed every disk in there that was inappropriate for children! I was doing my duty as a father!

How dare you allow children to rent movies unsupervised? How dare you have movies to rent that offend the sensibilities of good people? And how dare you send me this bill?

I want free movies for life, and that all your movies be edited so that they reflect classical values only, or else I will destroy every Bluebox in town!

No doubt the whole community will thank you.

Mr. Shaw Venist Vandelle

06-02-2015, 11:51 AM
Dear Mr. Vandelle,

You're responsible for your children. You're also responsible for the enclosed bill and your request for free movies for life are denied.


M. Ovie

Dear Cinema Manager,

Why didn't you supply tissues for the movie I paid to watch? It was a very tragic movie so tissues should've been supplied. I demand you supply tissues for all tragic movies from now on or at least raincoats. If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you don't supply customers with what they need to be able to watch tragic movies.


Mrs. Waterfall

06-03-2015, 07:52 PM
Dear Mrs. Waterfall,
We are not Sea World, therefore we do not supply raincoats.
Feel free to post on Fartbarf all you like, it will do you no good, and in fact, be publicity for us.

C. Nema
-manager Silver Screen Theatre


Dear Numtinda
WHY did you have to make Stupor Luigi Siblings so darn difficult?! WHY?!
I demand you reissue the game in a easier to beat format, or I'll... get drunk and protest in front of Costco where I bought this game 35 years ago!
D. Um Bass

06-10-2015, 05:34 PM
Dear Mr. Bass,

We're sorry you're having difficulty with our game. If you play the game sober, it will probably be easier.


Numtinda Tahashi, Numtinda Games


Dear Sleepy Kitty Hotel,

When I stayed at your hotel last week, I received a note saying that somebody was coming in my room to "test the internet." I also noticed a little chocolate with an Insurance Company's business card attached. Also, the table in my room was cleared off.

Although I didn't notice anything missing, I know what you're up to. You were planning to waylay me in my own hotel room and make it look like an accident. Then you were going to steal my identity and drain my bank accounts. When I would eventually wake up, your desk clerk was going to tell me that I should have bought the insurance.

I will have irrefutable proof of your criminal enterprise. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

06-11-2015, 09:48 AM
Dear Mr. Noid,

I wasn't going to steal your identity. It was your tinfoil I wanted. You aren't the only one who needs protection!

They are coming!

-Motell M. Ager

Dear Ginyu Force,

You've turned my son Kuriza into a posing pansy. Stop teaching him how to dance and teach him how to fight or the fastest thing in the universe will be your butts out the nearest airlock!


Lord Frieza

P.S. Neither the Dance of Failure nor the Dance of Shame will be necessary.

(I've been partaking in Abridged...liberally...)

06-12-2015, 09:43 AM
Dear Lord Friezy,

There are lots of guys that dance. If he wants to dance, you should try to support his decision even if you don't agree with it.


Ginyu Force Management

Dear Party Club Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested for following the directions on the invitation. The directions stated that I should come wearing my birthday suit so that's exactly what I did. I demand you drop the charges and clarify that clothes should've been worn. If you don't, I will burn down the place with my strike anywhere matches.


Mrs. Literal

06-12-2015, 04:22 PM
Dear Mrs. Literal,

The nudist party that was clearly stated on the invitation was for the party across the hall from the one you invaded. They will only drop the charges if you promise never to appear naked in your life again.


Dear heady nags hotel by the sea,

Every year for the past 10 years, we have used your hotel for our family reunion, buying out a large portion of your hotel for all our aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and their children and girlfriends/boyfriends.

this past year we noticed you got a new management system or something since, when we went to check in at 2pm, we were told they lost our reservations and the entire hotel was booked solid.

We DEMAND you give us all our assigned blocks like we have for the past 10 years, and free lodging for the week that we stay there every year for the next 5, with ocean front rooms of course. plus $100,000 cash to be split amoung our family members evenly.

The Wiseass Family!

06-12-2015, 05:30 PM
Dear Wiseass Family,

We do apologize for the inconvenience, but we were unable to warn you about having to cancel your reservations this year. We had the unfortunate "honor" of hosting the Armageddon Nightmare Band just before your arrival. They wrecked the section of the hotel we had reserved for your family so badly, we couldn't allow anyone to go there. When we filed our lawsuit against them, imagine the shock that they were being sued by the Starlite Hotel.

As for your demands, if you allow us to use your letter in court, we will be happy to meet your demands. It will be paid for by the "generosity" of the Armageddon Nightmare Band.


Hilton Wright, Heady Nags Hotel by the Sea


Dear Goaway Travel Agency,

How dare you drop us as clients? We have patronized your travel agency for more than 2 years.

I don't know why those hotels, car rental companies, or airlines are complaining about. They're being a bunch of cry babies. So what if we caused some minor property damage at those hotels or with those SUVs. They have insurance, they can pay for it. As for our last airline, they said that they were landing at the nearest airport because we were "being disruptive." Why do you keep booking us with such rude airlines?

I demand that you take us back as clients and let us travel for our entire tour for free. If you don't, we'll be "disruptive" in your offices.


Al Lows-Everything, manager of the Armageddon Nightmare Band

06-12-2015, 05:45 PM
Dear Mr. Lows-Everything,

Your band caused several million dollars in damages to all of the companies you did business with. These folks are banding together and bringing a huge lawsuit against you, as I'm sure you know by now, and they told us they'd bring it against us as well if we didn't drop you as clients. We are a small company and cannot afford a lawsuit such as this.

Besides, you're all adults, you should know by now that having screaming fits and trashing places is not acceptable behavior. So not only am I not taking you back as a client, I am using your letter to get a restraining order against you and your band.

Jess Goaway, owner,
Goaway Travel Agency

* * * * *

Dear Dealer McDope,

Dude, what the hell did you sell us last night? That grass looked and smelled suspiciously like the stuff from a lawn mower bag, and the acid had me puking for hours! It ruined my voice! You better get us some better quality shit next time or we're going to kick your ass.

Helena Handbasket, lead singer,
Armageddon Nightmare Band

06-13-2015, 08:35 AM
Dear Ms. Handbasket,

That stuff I gave you came from the lawn mower bag and I'm glad your voice was ruined. Also, I'm not selling you anything else until all of the suits are settled.


Dealer McDope

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off having me come get my daughter out of school? All she did was hurl on the floor during class. She should've stayed in class since education is more important than anything. I demand you make your students stay in class with no exceptions whatsoever or I will tell everyone I know that you don't care about education.


Mrs. Strict

06-15-2015, 02:45 AM
Dear Mrs. Strict

Your daughter is sick because she's a diabetic, and your telling her that she couldn't have lunch money this week, nor could she make lunch and bring it with her, just because she was fifteen minutes late coming home on Saturday night is a severe danger to her health.
One of our teachers paid for her to have lunch, and because her sugar was too low already, she had the counter-reaction of nausea from eating after her sugar was so low for so long. For your daughter's own good, we felt it best that she go home and eat!

We care very much about every student here, and are fully in support of their education. But we feel that depriving one's child of food is horrible enough, but in the case of a diabetic, we cannot allow that sheer neglect to go on. After all, a starving student is a distracted one who can't focus on learning, and in a diabetic's case, can be extremely dangerous. Education matters, but survival comes first.

And, since we believe in both, we've placed a few calls to C. P. S. Try explaining your theories about child-rearing to them . . .


Dr. Stan Upfor Kids,
School Principal,


Dear World Walkers Shoetique

I was desperately in need of new shoes because my own shoes had been worn out. So I went into your fine establishment and tried on several pairs of shoes. Finally, I found a pair that I just loved, that felt like Heaven on my feet, and that matched my favorite dress color, gold. And so I bought two pairs. I loved my shoe shopping experience, and virtually everyone in the store, including the manager, were nice enough to stop and talk to me. But I couldn't hear them, lost in my own happy bubble.
And I just loved how your staff member, Luke, was so caring and attentive that he went right to my pocket puppy, Fang. He played with him and kept him busy and even gave him a bone, which is good because Fang is just a puppy and he just loves to play fetch with just about anything he can find on the floor.

But when I went to the register, the manager was waiting for me with over a hundred boxes of disgracefully destroyed shoes I didn't want. They weren't even in my size and seemed completely random, as the only thing all these divergent shoes had in common was that they were all severely damaged. Yet your manager expected me to pay for them all!

Then your terrible manager, who had the name of Callie Co and wore a cat pin on her chest, so she simply must be a dog-hating cat-lover, told me that, because I brought Fang into the store and didn't pay any attention to what he was doing, she demanded that I pay for all those shoes.
Well, I refused to do this, and called her a dog hater.
She then informed me that Fang had mistaken a shoebox for a newspaper, and that she wanted me to buy everything she had and go!
I didn't know what to do, so I called my sister, Prudence Indeeds, who told me that I shouldn't have taken Fang with me out shopping yet and that it was best I just pay the bill and write a letter later. So I did.

Well, that ruined my shopping experience! I demand that World Walkers fully reimburse me for the five thousand dollars worth of shoes that I had to buy, and that they allow me and Fang to come into the store any time I want. And that Luke be Fang's dedicated attendant, and that dog-hating cat-lover be fired. You shouldn't have someone so discriminatory in your business!
Why, just yesterday, I saw her feeding a stray cat, though admittedly, she was nowhere near your business when she did it.
In fact, I don't want five thousand dollars anymore. I want five hundred thousand dollars, because my cousin, Sharkey Indeeds, is a lawyer and he'll sue your store, not to mention dragging its good name through the mud. Who'd ever shop again at a store that's so cruel to poor little puppies? Who is your store's owner, Cruella D'Ville?
If you don't, I'll come back to your store with a hundred and one Dalmation puppies and see how your little Miss Callie Co likes that!

Ms. Blythe Indeeds.

06-15-2015, 08:00 AM
Dear Ms. Indeeds,

Your dog chewed the shoes that we charged you for. Not only are we not giving you any money but you are banned from our store.


S. H. Oeheel

Dear Record Company Manager,

Where do you get off not accepting my demo? All I did was scream the lyrics to my songs as loud as I could. I demand you sign me and allow me to scream in my songs all I want. If you don't, I will go on the roof with a megaphone and scream as loud as I can from dusk to dawn.


S. C. Reamer

06-16-2015, 07:51 PM
Dear S. C. Reamer,

I'm afraid you have the wrong record company. We produce jazz records. You want Lunatic Records. You may have heard of them, they're primarily punk and alternative rock and they've recently signed the Armageddon Nightmare Band to a three-record deal. I'm sure they can use your...unique talents.

I. M. Allthat, founder,
Allthat Jazz Records

* * * * *

Yo, Lunatic Records Dude,

What gives, man? We signed on for your record deal and our records aren't selling for shit! Get our records moving or we're outta here!

Armageddon Outta-Here, guitarist,
Armageddon Nightmare Band

(catcul Kristev, I hope you don't mind me taking your creation and running with it!)

06-16-2015, 09:54 PM
(Actually, the ANB is Kristev's creation.)

Dear Mr. Outta-Here,

We have marketed your last record the best way we can. Unfortunately, the public does not seem to be interested in buying it. There's nothing we can do about it. If you try to record with someone else before releasing your third record, we will sue you for breach of contract. You obviously know what being sued means.


Carl Vallenham


Dear Lunatic Records,

How could you do this to me? I was peacefully taking a nap in the window when one of the younger humans walked in. Then, this horrible noise came out of what he called a "stereo." I decided to move to another part of the house to escape, but no matter where I went, I heard that awful noise.

Later, when the family was eating, I heard the young male tell the big male that that noise was "music" from something called the Armageddon Nightmare Band. Please make the young male stop so I can nap in peace. Please don't let this "Armageddon Nightmare Band" unleash that awful noise. Could you tell my family that my name is not Fluffy? It's Sampson.


Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

06-21-2015, 12:12 AM
OOC: No, I'm not upset. Feel free to use any of my characters. It was rather flattering.

Dear Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

I understand completely. Luckily for you, Lunatic Records is undergoing a massive change because my Father finally bought them and has absorbed them into his own record company, the massive Classical and Refined Records.

We will be sending samples of our larger music catalogue to everyone who fills out the survey papers in our music, which your family did, actually.

And you have my personal promise that we are dropping the Armageddon Nightmare Band from our label, as we are dropping roughly half of the vile trash that escaped from Lunatic Records. So enclosed is a can of tuna just for you, with instructions to your family that it is just for you. And yet, I'll also tell them that you'd prefer to be known as Sampson, Destroyer of Rats.


Peace Ann Quiet, Vice President of Classical and Refined Records and grateful step-daughter of Mr. N Joy Able, owner and C. E. O. of Classical and Refined Records.


Dear Scamley's Toy Store,

I went to your store with my son while we were visiting Britain, and I purchased something wonderful, The Animatronic Balloon Dog.
It said on the box to keep away from all sharp objects but it also said that "It will love you, lick you, follow you, and do everything a dog can do except it, but it can fly!"
Well, I bought one for my son and he loved it. He let it run wild everywhere, and he enjoyed playing with it. Then we brought it home with us to the States, and once we got home, my son used it to torment his sister's cat.

We all had great fun watching it chase the kitty all throughout the house, except for my daughter. It was her cat, and she didn't think letting the toy dog chase the cat was a fair thing to do at all.

Finally, our kitty jumped up to the high bookshelf, and so, while my daughter tried to climb up and coax her kitty down and the rest of us were full of uproarious laughter, my son decided to make the dog fly.

It flew all the way up to the top of the bookshelf, barking at the cat the whole time, and then suddenly from out of nowhere, the cat slapped the toy dog's face.

The poor Animatronic Balloon Dog went flying all around the room, yelping and moaning, while my daughter grabbed her cat and held on to her for dear life to protect the kitty from my angry son. His toy dog just flew all around the room wildly, until it finally deflated, gave a final sad whimper, and limply fell across the arm of the couch like a busted, airless balloon.
My daughter even had the nerve to say it was my son (her brother's) fault for not stopping when it was clear enough he'd scared her kitty, and my fault for not stopping him before this happened! What nerve of her!

I demand a full refund and a new dog, made of stronger flesh so the cat can't literally burst my son's balloon, as well as ten million dollars and a lifetime supply of toys for my son!

If you refuse, I'll use the Internet to tell everyone what a scam of a toy store you are! And I'll use the media because I'm a regular caller on a widely-heard radio show from a man who has both his own radio and television show. So I can call them up and tell them what scammers you are, and he'll spread the word everywhere on his daily outrage program!

Let's see how long your refined toy store lasts now!

Angrily yours,

Ms. Dee M. Bunny.

06-21-2015, 04:41 AM
Dear Ms. Bunny,

We have received a complaint about our inflatable dog from your daughter's cat. First of all, he wants to be known as Sampson, Destroyer of Rats. Also, you admitted that your son used our inflatable dog to torment that poor cat. Also, our dog has the warning, "Keep away from sharp objects," as you have also admitted. Since Sampson has not been declawed, he has sharp objects at the end of his paws.

We have sent Sampson a toy rat. As for you, your son, and your husband, all you're getting is a call from the ASPCA and the Humane Society.


Parker Milton, Slimley Toy Company


Dear Commonwealth of Virginia,

When I was looking up an address on the internet, I noticed that you have a something called Lickinghole Creek. I know what you're up to. You're trying to make our poor children a generation of perverts. That way, the people will continue to elect mind warped perverts instead of people of fine, moral character. It's obvious that the voters of your filthy state picked the wrong guy to be governor.

I will find evidence of your dirty, filthy, perverted deeds. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

06-21-2015, 09:08 PM
Dear Mr. Noid,

You don't like Lickinghole Creek? Well, there are plenty of places on the map to choose from. How about Hell, Michigan (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell,_Michigan)? Wankers Corner, Oregon (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wankers_Corner,_Oregon)? Spunky Puddle, Ohio (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spunky_Puddle,_Ohio)? Fucking, Austria (https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Fucking,_Austria)?

Somehow, I don't think a long-established place name is going to affect my ratings as governor. Thank you for your letter.

Terry McAuliffe, Governor,
Commonwealth of Virginia

* * * * *

Deer Skool Prinsipul,

i bin goin to skool an stuf an Im still stoopid. I dunno, mebbe u shud jus giv me munny so i dont hafta wurk cuz im stoopid.

Moe Ronic

06-22-2015, 06:33 PM
Dear Mrs. Ronic,

Your husband, Moe, has made great progress since the accident. His motor skills seem to be returning as are his language skills. He was able to use a computer to type a letter. Unfortunately, his spelling and grammar are not where they need to be, but we are thrilled with the progress he is making. We have no idea why he would write to a deer.


Dr. Peter Young, Happy Hills Health Systems


Dear Happy Hills Health Clinic,

What is going on with you? I went with my girlfriend to your clinic. The physician, Dr. Johnson, told us that to enjoy each other more, we needed to be on the edge of Climax. So, my girl and I drove until we were at the "Climax City Limits" sign. As we were getting hot and heavy in the car, a policeman stopped us and told us we couldn't do it in front of the city limit sign.

I believe Dr. Johnson needs more training.


Hugh G. Rection

06-25-2015, 06:54 PM
Dear Mr. Rection,

Enclosed is a pamplet which'll explain what Dr. Johnson meant by climax. We've also enclosed a few more items you and your girlfriend will need.

B. E. Safe

Dear Unemployment Manager,

No one will hire me and I don't know why. I go to interviews, bawl my eyes out, and say how badly I need a job. I demand you find someone that will hire me on the spot. If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you don't care to find jobs for those who really need it.


Mrs. Emotional

06-29-2015, 12:24 AM
Dear Mrs. Emotional,

We cannot guarantee that everyone that sets foot in our office gets a job. However, crying at job interviews is considered unprofessional. We suggest that you take our job finding class so your job search will be easier. Also, I would suggest not posting that on Facebook. That can hurt you job prospects.


Fred Merkle


Dear Happy Clouds Flights,

I saw your video on YouTube. You took off in your little aircraft with another woman. When you were up in the air, a cat emerged from your wing. You turned the aircraft around and landed safely. I know what you're really up to. You intentionally put that cat so you could bring attention to yourself which you were obviously successful.

I will find irrefutable proof of your animal cruelty. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

[Link to video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_8mdH20qTQ).]

06-30-2015, 10:08 PM
Dr. Mrs. Noid,

Your husband has been returned to our clinic and his meds have been readjusted, but we hoped he enjoyed his flight on Bast Air Lines just to go and see you. He won't be bothering you again. We promise.


Dr. X,

You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.


Dear Rainbow Mansion,

I was at one of your murder mystery weekends with my wife and several other people, where you're supposed to work out who murdered the hostess, Lady White, and then later on, her husband, Lord White, her brother, Captain Black, and the household staff. The potential killers are the members of the Rainbow Gang, Miss Jennifer Sky, Sir Lucien Sunflower, Mrs. Samantha Apricot, Professor Anthony Crimson, Doctor Victoria Jade, and Sergeant David Lilac of the police. And it's up to us to help, and feed clues from cards, to the members of the gang as they, and we, investigate the killer.

Well, we were all told to write down guests, and the top chosen two would also be murdered. Naturally I chose my wife. So why was I arrested, and not one of the Rainbow Gang and the one single killer, Miss Jennifer Sky, allowed to go free? Just because the other dead people got up, and my wife didn't! I demand that you release me from police custody and give me a lifetime of free passes to your show, including the right to decide for everyone who will die among the guests! And a billion dollars!

If you refuse, I'll sue you, and Miss Jennifer Sky, for the murder of my wife!


Adam Lyre.

06-30-2015, 11:44 PM
To the Chief of Police,

Enclosed is the video of last weekend's performance of The Rainbow Mansion Mystery. As you can see, one Adam Lyre grabbed a real steak knife off the table, stabbed his wife and tried to frame Donna Prima, the actress who plays Miss Jennifer Sky in our production. It's a good thing we record these shows for souvenirs.

Fortunately, the actress who plays Doctor Victoria Jade, Lisa Hu, is an actual doctor. Doctor Hu was able to provide medical assistance to the badly wounded Mrs. Heeza Lyre, and she will make a full recovery. We will assist in any way we can to get that lunatic Mr. Lyre in prison where he belongs.

Ray Nbow, director
Rainbow Mansion Mysteries

* * * * *

Dear Poshsuites Hotel,

My boyfriend was staying at your hotel. When I found out, I went to see him and the clerk wouldn't tell me which room he was in! I kept asking him, over and over and over, and he would not give me the information I wanted!

This is bad service! I demand a million dollars for my trouble, and so I can buy a tracking device to implant in my boyfriend so he won't ditch me again.

Dee Manding

07-01-2015, 12:46 PM
Dear Ms. Manding,
Your now Ex-Boyfriend gave us strict orders to not tell you which room he was staying and to call the police if you should show up, as he has a restraining order against you. If you step foot on our grounds again we will have you arrested for trespassing as you are now BANNED from our hotel.
Lux orius

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Dear S mart,
I was in your store a week ago to pick up my new shotgun when your clerk suddenly disappeared. This is very rude of him and when he suddenly came back he was dressed in a torn shirt and had a chainsaw on his hand. I don't care if your workers want to play dressup but when they are at their job they are to kiss the ground I walk on and the butt I sit on.
I demand 100 trillion dollars and free ammo for the rest of my life.
Remmy Ton

07-01-2015, 10:51 PM
Dear Mr. Ton,

I'm afraid that was not our employee you were describing. That was a man that believe that he was some sort of monster. The police went to that location and neutralized that sick individual. All we can do in that situation is to evacuate the store and call the police.

We apologize for your experience, but we must decline your request. Here's a gift card for $50.


Smith Wesson, District Manager, S Mart


Dear Bank,

I was in your bank, talking to my buddy, Austin, about how the w:censored:b:censored:s, n:censored:s, and f:censored:s were ruining the great state of Texas. Then I saw him. He was a big, tall white guy. I just knew he was a true Texan.

Imagine my shock and embarrassment when he said he was from North Carolina, NORTH Carolina. That caused Austin to burst out laughing. How dare you send a damn Yankee down to our fine state of Texas? I demand that you take your Yankee a:censored:s back to whatever hole you Yankee pieces of s:censored: came from. While you're at it, take all of the w:censored:b:censored:s, n:censored:s, and f:censored:s with you.

F:censored: you,

Dallas Houston

07-02-2015, 08:27 AM
Dear Mr. Houston,

We accept all kinds of people but we don't tolerate that kind of language. In the future, please watch what you say since we sometimes have children come here with their parents.


C. Ash

Dear Powerplant Manager,

My power was out for 2 days and it's all your fault. You're supposed to know when my power goes out and fix it immediately. I demand you give me $200 off my bill for the next four months and that you replace all of my food that went bad (list is attached). If you don't, I will come to your house and shut off your power so you can find out what it's like to lose power.


P. Ower

07-06-2015, 02:47 AM
Dear Mr. Ower,

Your power was out because you didn't pay your bill. That's not our fault. We gave you chance after chance.

If you want your power kept on, you have to pay your bills or buy your own generator. It's just that simple.


Big William 'Bill' Enforcement,

Collections manager at In A Flash Power.


Dear Gla-Dae Home Fragrance Company,

I went to Neverclose Supermarket and purchased the entire supply of 4th of July celebratory candles, especially the Strawberry, Blueberry, and Mulberry mixture candles, which I had strewn all over the house so that my friends could come by and be so impressed by my display, and how good my house smelled.

So when those candles burned out, I went and got more candles and lit them. Then we went outside to watch the fireworks.

But the woman next door, a grumpy old Brit who doesn't like the 4th of July and wanted to go home and visit her kids but couldn't afford it this year, came running up to me. At first I thought she was getting over herself and wanted to join our festivities, but instead she embarrassed me in front of all my guests by showing us all that my house was on fire! She said "Since I hate the 4th of July because I simply detest noise, I was inside instead of watching the fireworks like the rest of the neighborhood. But because I wasn't watching the fireworks, I was able to notice the fire, while the rest of you didn't."

I demand that you replace my house, give me ten billion dollars for my pain and suffering and trauma, and to replace everything in my now completely ruined house, and a lifetime supply of candles! If you refuse, I will go on the television and social media and explain that your horrible candles burn down houses! And if that doesn't work, I will light candles all over the supermarket!

The only reason I'm not suing for hotel bills is because the grumpy Brit let my family stay with her for a while, otherwise I and my children would have nowhere to go.


Mr. Toddy Lee Brainless.

07-14-2015, 07:18 AM
Dear Mr. Brainless,

Fire is used to light candles which can burn things including houses so leaving the candles unattended wasn't the brightest thing to do. Therefore, you'll be getting nothing.


S. Afety

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was smoke a cigarette at my register because the customers were driving me up the wall with their ridiculous requests. I demand you rehire me and allow me to smoke whenever and wherever I want. If you don't, I will set the cigarette display on fire.


Virginia Newport

07-14-2015, 01:14 PM
Ms. Newport:

I really should have listened to my cousin, Outa Business, when she tried to tell me hiring you was a mistake. At least you didn't burn down my store! You should also be thankful that I'm not docking your final check for the fine the Health Department hit me with over your violation of their regulations. What check you have, around your various attendance problems, will pretty much be consumed by the fine the Health Department has imposed on you personally.

You will find two enclosures with this letter: a brochure for a stop-smoking program I can recommend, and a notice banning you from my store. I don't even want you setting foot in the place to SHOP.

Once I finished removing empty cigarette packs from your locker, it was empty. I have video of my cleaning out your locker to prove that. Thus, do not expect any personal belongings to be sent to you.

N. Gonna Cave
Manager, Fresh-Aire Supermarket


Water Park:
Hire more competent lifeguards and other staff NOW. I was sitting in the pool, minding my own business, and I GOT SPLASHED!!!! How dare you not have staff protecting me from flying water "courtesy" of some bimbo's out-of-control brats?

I will require free season passes for myself and my extended family (this is only 56 people, so this should not be a problem) to compensate me for this horrible trauma.

Ms. Elmira Gulch

07-14-2015, 11:45 PM
Dear Ms. Gulch,

When one goes to the water park, they should expect to be splashed. I'd be dead from all the water around here personally if I didn't take my new allergy pills.

So why would you possibly want free passes for you and your family to a water park?

However, I will give you and your family free season passes instead to Desertland Park, where there's no water anywhere except in the plumbing.
Hope that helps.

Miss L. Faba Wicked.


Dear NotBuffet,

I went to your pizza parlour and ordered a large pizza with everything on it. I was so hungry I ate all but once slice when your waitress came by.
She asked if I needed a refill, and I said "Yes. My pizza has only one slice left and it needs to be refilled."
When she finally figured out I meant my pizza, not my drink, she came back with a second pizza, which I really liked to see. Then she had the nerve to bring me a second bill, which I did not want to see!
After I saw the bill, I saw red, and from what they told me afterwards, I grew a big fit and broke several tables, plates, cups, and a relationship. Also during the fit they told me I threw, they say I threw the new, piping hot, pizza onto a little disabled kit in a wheelchair.

Myself, I don't believe it because I don't remember a thing.

So I demand that I be unbanned from the parlour, that I be forgiven these charges, get free pizza for life, and that I be treated like the guest of honor whenever I enter. And five million dollars for good measure.

If you won't go along with my demands, I will unless my kids, the brat pack. I have seven kids, none of whom I see but all of whom, my ex-wives and girlfriends tell me, take after me in ways they don't like. I actually have eight kids, but that daughter is on medication and weekly therapy, and I barely recognize her because she behaves so differently than my other kids. But won't my six boys and other daughter be so happy that Daddy's taking them all out for pizza?

I'll let them run up and down your parlour and play with whatever they want, and whoever they want. Especially my eldest boy. He loves to play with fire, just like me. Then you can offer really toasted crust!


Mr. Sy Kopath.

07-15-2015, 03:55 AM
Dear Mr. Kopath,

You may not remember doing all of that, but our security cameras didn't forget. We were only content to let things go, but since you have threatened us with destruction, we have forwarded this letter and the security footage to the police. You didn't like the second bill from us? You will definitely not like your lawyer bills. Prepare to eat chit.


Bill Buffett, NotBuffet Pizza


Dear Sky Way Airlines,

I was flying on one of your airplanes recently. I like the window seat so I can see the landscape as I'm flying. Imagine my frustration when we got way up into the sky, that all I saw were clouds. How could you let that happen? I wanted to see all of the shades of green, not white.

Get your act together or I will fill the next plane with white stuff.


Cirrus Avion

07-17-2015, 08:28 AM
Dear Mr. Avion,

The higher we get into the sky, the less land we see. If you want to see land, take a bus or train next time.


P. I. Lot

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to the service desk to play the lottery and when I tried to pay with a credit card, your rude employee told me that lottery was cash only. I'm a lawyer and I know that it's illegal to restrict forms of payment. I want the rude employee fired for being rude to me and arrested for saying that the lottery is cash only when by law customers can pay for lottery however they want. If you don't do this, I will write a letter from your boss informing you that you're fired.


L. A. Wyer

07-20-2015, 05:51 PM
Dear Mr. Wyer,

If you really were a lawyer, you would know that we reserve the right to refuse any form of payment. Also, our state's lottery commission does not allow us to take anything other than cash. Our agreement with "2600" means we can only take cash when purchasing their magazine.

I am not firing her for doing her job properly. I am not firing the store manager either.


Apple Lowe, District Manager, Good Food Market


Dear Sky Way Airlines,

How dare you? I was taking a flight recently scheduled for 10:08 am. I made it on time to board. When 10:08 rolled around, the pilot came on the speakers saying that we would be delayed because the lazy ground crew wasn't able to go outside and do their jobs. He muttered things like "thunderstorm" and "lightning." It was 10:51 am before we left the gate.

So what if there was lightning? I expect the ground crew to do their jobs no matter what the weather is. I demand 10,000 points on my frequent flyer account, or I will sue you out of the sky.


Cirrus Avion

07-22-2015, 01:12 AM
Dear Ms. Avion,

Under no circumstances are my pilots allowed to take off in the middle of dangerous storms. I have made that abundantly clear in my directives, and they understand it from their training.

They were doing their jobs, namely protecting you from getting killed by wild lightning strikes while up in the air. But I will gladly write you out a voucher for Hurts, the rental car place inside your nearest airport based on where your letter came from.

They have great cars, but terrible seats, and they can travel in virtually any weather. Cheers.

Miss Stormie Weathers,

Director of Sky Way Airlines.


Dear Hurts Rental Cars,

I was out of town and couldn't catch my plane due to bad weather. So I demanded my money back from the airline, and used that money to rent one of your cars and drive myself home. I purposefully selected a car that looked exactly like mine, both inside and out, so I'd know precisely how to drive it.

And I did drive it. All I had to do was get a cushion at the first store I came upon and your painful seats didn't bother me one bit. After that, it was a paradisical drive all the way home. Honestly, I would have given your company five stars, even six if it were possible, except for one thing.

When I returned the car to your dealer, with my cousin picking me up, the rental car wasn't perfect any longer. It barely drove and seemed like a wreck, so I was happy to get rid of it. And I told your employee, Dave, all about the problems it was having, paid my bill, and left, though he did make a comment that I didn't like. He said "Your cousin's car looks almost exactly like ours, but quite a good bit newer."

Yet yesterday I got a letter all but accusing me of bringing back the wrong car on purpose? How can that be? Just because our cars looked exactly alike doesn't mean I don't know my old, broken down jalopy of a car and your new broken down jalopy of a car! How dare you? There is no way in the world that I would keep your car and try to pass my car off as your car. No way, no how! I would never do such a thing.

I demand that you give me ten billion dollars, free cars for life, and access to mechanics on demand! Preferably hot male mechanics who don't mind getting oily, sweaty, and working overtime. If you won't, first I'll sue your for slander, and then, since I happen to know that the car I returned has a serious oil leak that my new car . . . I mean, my cousin's new car, and that it makes bigger oil puddles than the Exxon-Valdez leak, I'll come back to your store with my hot new flame-thrower and toast your garage!


Miss Mary Hadda Little-Scam

07-22-2015, 03:34 AM
Dear Miss Little-Scam,

What you don't seem to know is that all cars have a Vehicle Identification Number, or VIN. Every one of our cars has its VIN in our files, and the one you brought back had a completely different VIN than the one our records show you renting.

We have filed charges. Expect a police officer very soon.


Payne Hurts, owner,
Hurts Rental Cars

* * * * *

To whoever's in charge of the Rennesance -- or however you spell it -- Fair,

What kind of scam are you running here?! We paid eight dollars each to go to the fair, and go on the rides. You didn't have no roller coasters, no ferris wheel, and that thing you laughingly call a carousel was tiny and turned by hand! Why aren't there any sparkling lights and calliope music?! The only music was a bunch of guys in funny costumes playing weird-looking guitars, I think they called them "loots".

Worse, when we went to get refreshments, the bitch serving beer got all uppity with me, just because Bob tried to motorboat her cleavage! If she didn't want that kind of attention, she shouldn't have been wearing a fancy costume with her boobs hanging out! Then some morons in armor threw us out!

We are angry and outraged at this sort of treatment! We want our money back, a million dollars for our trouble and the phone number of the beer broad.

Phil Istine and Bob Barian

07-26-2015, 11:58 PM
Phil Istine and Bob Barian

We don't have rides at our faire, except for the jousting tournaments, where only the best, most experienced and practiced jousters may compete.

And lute-playing is a fine tradition.

The woman was right to complain, and our knights were indeed correct to defend her honor by throwing you out. Under no circumstances will you be given your money back, let alone a million anything, and no, you won't get her number.

Now get civilized and stop bothering us before I turn you both into the toads you acted like at the faire!


Miss Sorcey Ress,

Owner and director of the Solstice Festival Renaissance Faire.


Dear Genie's (Where We Grant Wishes, From Footwear to Dishes) Mail Order Catalogue Company,

I found one of your catalogues in my sister's house when I was visiting for the weekend and she said I could look through it. And while I wanted to order everything that I saw in it, one thing stood out to me as the very best object you had, the Quixote vanity mirror. The description alone was worth buying it for. "All other mirrors merely reflect back what's actually there, but with the Quixote vanity mirror, you'll see everything as its most beautiful possibility. It makes a homeless guy with bad teeth and poor hair see himself as Antonio Banderis. It makes a wrinkled old crone with sagging skin look like Miss Universe. Your cat will see a lioness. And your man will see the girl of his dreams if he sees your reflection in the mirror."

So naturally I just had to have it. But I could never afford it myself. My sister was washing the dishes in the kitchen, so I asked my sister if I could borrow the brush in her purse, and she said yes. I found her brush, and her bank debit card. While my sister, and her husband and sons, went out to eat, I stayed in her house, called the number, and used the credit card.

I got my mirror, and I was as happy as could be, looking at the self I want to be for hours. I even managed to get my best friend to snap a photograph of my own reflection in the mirror so I could go to shopping, and to my beauty parlor, to make myself look like my own reflection!

But now I just got a furious e-mail from my sister, demanding that I pay her back from the mirror and that I cannot ever enter her house again. Something about "We couldn't make our house payment and had to move back in with Mom because you used our money without telling me!"
And then I find out my nephew has gone all over the Internet telling everyone he knows that I'm a thief who ripped off his family.

She's suing me, so I'm suing you, the Genie's Mail Order Catalogue Company. I want five million dollars, and lifetime rights to have whatever I want from your catalogue for free! And you can give my sister her money back so she can get her house back!

If you won't grant this wish, I know a few boys in Jersey who owe me a favor, and they're good at making people disappear.


Miss Natruss Worthy.

07-29-2015, 08:07 AM
Dear Ms. Worthy,

You stole money from your sister when you used her card. Therefore, you won't be receiving anything.



Dear Hardware Store Manager,

You had no right to have me fired and arrested! All I did was trace your signature and use it to write a termination letter to a coworker I can't stand. I demand you drop the charges and fire all the coworkers I can't stand. If you don't, I will write the letters myself and use your signature.


F. Orger

08-05-2015, 05:33 PM
Dear Ms. Orger

We knew you had forged my signature. When Sally came into my office wanting an explanation of her letter of termination, I became suspicious. After convincing her that I wasn't firing her, I read the letter. I recognized your hand writing. Nobody else dots their "i"s with little hearts, especially me. What you did is considered fraud and you deserve to go to jail.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about putting up with your irritating coworkers any more.


Stanley Lowe, Store Manager, Tool Depot #381


Dear Purple Cat Bar & Grille,

Last night, I had a little too much to drink at your bar. I was about to go out to my car to drive home. After dropping my keys on the floor a few times, I went back to the bartender and asked him how I could get home. The bartender must have called one of his buddies because this guy came up to me and offered a ride home. After putting me in his passenger's seat, he drove me home, walked me to my door, and left me to wander my house.

When I woke up the next morning, I was shocked to find my car in the driveway. How did you do that?


John Daniel

08-10-2015, 01:15 PM
Dear Mr. Daniels,

We had a tow truck deliver your car and covered the bill. Enclosed is some groups that can help with your drinking.


P. Urple

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was being checked out by an employee who looked miserable. When I told her to act more cheerful, she had the nerve to say that her grandmother just died. You need to tell her to get over it since her grandmother is dead and can never come back to life again. If you don't, I will shoplift from your store.


Mrs. Insensitive

08-13-2015, 06:37 PM
Dear Mrs. Insensitive,

That employee had lost the woman who raised her father. That would be a blow to most people. We can understand if she wasn't feeling very cheerful. As for you, if we catch you shoplifting, you will have something to worry about other than an unhappy employee.


Apple Harris, Store Manager, Happy Foods Market


Dear Mazda,

I was looking for a new car when I went to a dealership. I was looking at the RX-8. It drove well. I asked what kind of engine it had. He said that it had a rotary engine you called the Wankel. I was so outraged, I walked of the lot right then and there.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to turn our children into a generation of perverts. I bet you had a meeting with the governor of North Carolina in Horneytown or Climax and came up with that name. I will find evidence of your dirty, filthy, perverted deeds. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

08-16-2015, 01:15 AM
Dear Mr. Noid

Sometimes they come up with real clunkers for car names, but I believe we have a car just for you. It's called the new Alleviate, because it takes away all your worries and cares while you are in it.
We do not have any control over what the names of towns are, and as for perverts, if there was no sex, there would be no children in the first place. So come try the new Alleviate, and let your cares and worries melt away.


Magda Wheeler,

Owner of Magda's Mazdas.

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Dear Monopoly Chain Supercenter,

I went to your store the other day because I read online that your corporate executives had just issued a new edit that employees in your excessively large stores, all five employees, were now required to drop whatever work they were doing and personally greet and assist all shoppers they saw, even in the midst of a rush the size of Black Friday. "All shoppers are to be given 1,000 % of your attention at all times, and to have the wonderful experience of a lifetime."

So, naturally, since your stores are so huge and, with dozens of managers but only five workers in your biggest stores and even fewer in your smaller ones, and they always looked so exhausted because they're each doing the work of a thousand people.

Well, I came in expecting to be catered to and waited on hand and foot, when a bright, cheerful woman in a Monopoly Chain uniform stops stocking a shelf just because I enter the store through the door near her and turns to me.

"Hi, I'm Gaye," she says. "How can I help you?"

Well, firstly, I know she's lying because her nametag says Gaylon. But I'm just so offended that she would come right up to me and so openly hit on me that I hit her in the face and knock her down just to get away from her. Then I scream hysterically, and run right out the door.

I tremble all the way home.

How dare you hire disgusting people like that? It's obscene!

I demand that you give me ten million dollars for my trauma and stress, and that you fire that woman and all other homosexuals in your business. And that you hire a personal shopper just for me so that I'll have the experience your online ads promised me.

If you refuse, I'll come down with an army of people I know, since my brother is part of a rather large coalition of white weekend warriors, and they love to show up and teach people lessons . . . I'm sure he and his friends will be as angry as me that I was hit on by some lying store employee. If you don't want me to rally him and his friends into your store, fire that woman and give me my money and my personal shopper!


Mrs. Lucy Cannon.

08-17-2015, 08:22 AM
Dear Mrs. Cannon,

Gay is short for Gaylon so she was not lying and she's married to a very handsome man. We won't fire anyone for the reason you want and we're charging you for assault and banning you.


Mo Nopoly

Dear School Vice Principal,

You had no right to suspend me! You're not the principal and only the principal can suspend students. Since your suspending me is invalid, I'm going to continue to come to school. If you report me to the principal, I will set off the fire alarm.


Stu Dent

08-17-2015, 04:53 PM
Dear Stu,

I hate to break this to you, but Vice Principal John Walker has the same authority in suspending students as I do. Vice Principal has informed me that you were caught trying to buy cigarettes from Winner Jones. Please honor your suspension so we don't have to get police involve. If you pull the fire alarm, you might be enrolled in reform school.


James Beam, Principal, Bourbon County High School


Dear Brent Smith of Shinedown,

I was listening to some of your music when I heard it. The song was called "Cut the Cord (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9itwt_opsvQ)." In the song, you were advocating freedom by cutting the cord.

I know what you're up to. You're telling mountain climbers, bungee jumpers, and skydivers to cut the cord so they can have the freedom to plummet to their deaths. That way, they'll be forced to live through the ghost (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNfYcPpgzgw). I will find evidence of your evil chicanery. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

08-17-2015, 11:46 PM
Dear Mr. Noid, you escaped us again this time, but we're on to you. We know where you are and we'll come get you soon. Don't try to run. We're everywhere.

Signed, Nurse Y, assistant to Dr. X,

Head doctor of You Know Where . . .


Dear Leona Pride, Owner of Lioness Pest Control.

I called because I saw your commercial on television. In your commercial, four sisters who love to hunt and kill, and love to work together when they do it, show up wearing orange uniforms, in a big van with a lioness printed on it under the words Lioness Pest Control.

They hunt through a house, working like a pack, to rid that home of mice, rats, snakes, roaches, and termites until there's nothing left.

And I remember your jingle, too:

"For the price of one man,
Call four girls with a plan.
My girls hunt as a pack,
and cut rodents no slack.
But you'll pay a fair price
For a job done real nice.
So if you want the best,
Call Lioness."

So I called and hired your team to come in and take care of a very big mouse problem that I am having. Your girls came to my house, and very quickly told me that they could try to hunt and exterminate the mice, but until I cleaned up my pig-pen of a house, cleaned up the month's worth of dirty dishes, actually bothered to take out my trash, either sold or threw away all my collectables that had reached the ceiling, and discovered that brooms, mops, and vacuums are my friend, that any work they did would be temporary and I would be better off moving, without my stuff, than to call an exterminator.

I called them wimps who were too chickenshit to do the job and asked if they have a man in their company. One of them said "Yeah, we have one man. The secretary."

Still, they agreed to do the job and they hunted and killed the mice, every last one of them, even though they did seem angry about having to wade through and jump over my walking trails of stuff. So everything was fine.

But now a month later, the mice are back, and they've brought their friends the rats. Your ladies didn't do the job right! I demand that you send them back, unpaid, to get rid of my mice and my new rats! And that you bring a man with them to make sure they do it right!

If you don't, I'll go all over social media and complain, and I'll call my lawyer and have him sue you, Miss Pride, for every penny you've got! And I'll also catch all the mice and rats myself, and collect all of my month's worth of garbage, and deposit them all, the mice, the rats, and the trash, in your house! Then I'll watch you and your useless girls as you freak out and scream over all the mice in your house.


Mr. Tras H. Keeper.

08-18-2015, 04:36 AM
Dear Mr. Keeper,

I understand that you have mice and rats at your home. That doesn't sound like a problem to me. As soon as I can get away from my house, I will come by your house and hunt down the mice and rats. I haven't had a good rat dinner since the humans brought me to their home. That rat seller didn't have any rats. Also, could you inform the family of humans that my name is not Fluffy, it's Sampson.


Sampson, Destroyer of Rats


Dear Mr. Keeper,

I apologize for the letter from my niece's cat. Fluffy seems to have an inflated opinion of himself.

Unfortunately, my team is absolutely correct when they say that you should clean your house. Dirty dishes and garbage tend to attract mice, rats, roaches, ants, and other pests. Before we come back to your house, you will need to clean up your house. We can recommend cleaning services that will tackle your garbage. If you don't take care of that problem, the rat problem could cause the city to condemn your house. Your house is already a health hazard.

When you decide to have your house cleaned, we'll be there so the rat problem doesn't spread to your neighbors' houses.


Leona Pride, Owner of Lioness Pest Control


Dear Bus Company,

How dare you? I was trying to get to the auto repair shop by riding the bus. The rude bus driver told me that I needed to fold my stroller and stow it under my seat. He muttered things like "rolling around" and "blocking the aisle." When I got to my stop, I had to carry my son, my bag, and my stroller. Do you know how difficult it is to carry a baby stroller, a large purse, and a perfectly healthy 7-year-old boy?

I demand that you fire the bus driver and pay for my repair bill so I never have to ride your awful buses.


Linda Mutti

08-22-2015, 09:44 AM
Dear Ms. Mutti,

The driver was correct when he told you to fold the strolloer and put in under your seat since he was trying to keep everyone safe. Therefore, we won't fire him and you can pay your own repair bill.


T. R. Avel

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to the self checkout to purchase my groceries and there was a line. I didn't feel like waiting so I walked out with the cart of groceries. You need to tell your employees to serve customers the second they come to the checkout. If you don't, I will take as much as I want from your store and give permission to my friends and family to do the same.


Will Notwait

08-27-2015, 10:57 PM
Dear Mr. Notwait,

Why would you possibly walk out? Didn't you notice we compensate for our long lines by offering wine, dancing, cheese, and music? You could have had a wonderful time. Instead you robbed us of groceries by walking out. We consider walking out with over three hundred dollars in groceries to be a serious crime. But we thank you for giving us your address so we know who to send the police to. Have a good day.


Betty Knott Steel, Manager of Queue Ball Grocers, where every queue is a ball.


Dear Cutting Edge Cell Phones,

Yesterday I received, you're not even going to believe this, an obsolete phone call! How dare someone call me from a landline telephone? It's offensive and obscene! I demand that you track this person down and cut off their horrible phone service and tell them to get with today! Landline phones are so 70's!

I also demand that you block all phone numbers that are not from machines made this year or later, and that you give me ten million dollars for the emotional distress I received.

If you won't, I'll just cancel my contract and go straight to your competitor, after I've hacked into your computer networks and downloaded all the information I can, that is.


Miss Maude Ern Technophile.

08-28-2015, 03:17 PM
Dear Miss Technophile,

There are many reasons some folks don't have cellphones. Some, like your grandmother, like the technology they're used to. Some folks don't have the money to afford the most up-to-date gadgets (we are still in a recession, after all). Others are taking their time to do the research to see which model suits their needs. It's hardly fair of you to demand that their landline service be cut off.

While I appreciate your enthusiasm for modern technology, don't you think it was rather mean of you to scream "Get with the 21st Century or I'll kill you!" at your own grandmother? Yes, I heard the whole story at the police station, while your poor grandmother, scared for her life, reported your threats. I gave the policemen your letter, including the return address on the envelope. I hope you like your stay in our local jail, built in 1893 and still solid.

Hugh Mandecency
Cutting Edge Cell Phones

* * * * *

Dear Grocer,

How dare you have that disgusting fat slob cashier working for you! Don't you realize she makes your whole company look bad? Yeah, she's a competent worker, but she's so fat and ugly! Your workers should all be thin and beautiful, nobody wants to look at a fatty. Fire her or I'll sue your store!

Mr. Cy Zist-Snob

08-28-2015, 11:39 PM
Dear Mr. Zist-Snob,

Diane might be overweight, but she is a hard, honest worker. We had a hot young blonde who kept stealing from us. She was also extremely lazy, too. We don't hire people for their looks. As long as they're well dressed and do their work, we'll keep them on our staff.

As for your lawsuit, try it. You'll be laughed out of court.


Apple Cherry, High Health Foods


Dear Banana Grove Mall,

I went to your mall to do some shopping. I entered through the south entrance from the interstate. When I finished, I tried to exit the same way. Imagine my shock when I find out that the way back was CLOSED. I ask the man I saw on the other side of the signs why I couldn't drive through. He said that the bridge was out and I had to exit through the north exit. That meant that I had to drive an extra 2 miles to get back to the interstate.

I demand that you put that bridge back, give me $3 million dollars for the cost of gas and pain and suffering caused by taking the long way out. If you don't, I destroy the north exit so you'll have to hurry fixing the south exit.


Gertrude P. Snotty

09-06-2015, 08:37 AM
Dear Ms. Snotty,

The bridge was out because there was a major accident. If you destroy the north exit, we'll have you arrested. The bridge will be open once everything's cleared. Your request for 3 million dollars is denied.


S. H. Opper

Dear Amish Community,

I came to visit your community and was offended to find that there was no place to charge my cell phone while having lunch at one of your restaurants. Don't you realize that we're in the 21st century? I demand you update your community at once. If you don't, I will burn down your silo since silos belong in the 19th century.


Mrs. Modern

09-15-2015, 03:40 PM
Dear Mrs. Modern,

We have preserved our way of life for over 500 years. We are quite aware of what century this is. We do not believe that having electricity or telephones are good for the community. However, we have given your letter to the British Sheriff. Even though we do not use violence ourselves, we will ask for protection.


Jebediah Fischer


Dear Pillar,

I listened to your music when I heard it. The song was called "Fireproof (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g9rDcd2UTg&list=PLxfjPasADi0nohyiOuIl0q_84NT9DyCA1)."

I know what you're up to. You're trying to convince people that they are fireproof, so they light themselves and maybe their houses on fire. Then they would have to go to the hospital to recover from their burns and have to rebuild their houses. You're nothing more than shills for the health care and construction industries. I will find evidence of your evil trickery. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

09-16-2015, 12:09 AM
Dear Pillar,

I'm writing to assure you that you have no need to worry about Mr. Noid any further. Thanks to his letter, we found him and have him back in our facility to ex . . . er, help him and treat him. He won't trouble you again because we fired the guard who helped him escape.


Dr. X and Nurse Y.


Dear First Impressionism Bakery,

My daughter and I haven't spoken since she got serious about her man, Lancelot. I just couldn't stand her spending all her time with him, and even moving to the same city to be with him. But, my daughter called me the other day telling me that she and Lancelot were getting married, to each other, and as a gesture of good will, they decided to invite me to the wedding.

Well, not only did I agree to come in hopes of persuading her to call the whole thing off and come home with me, I offered to buy the cake. That made her happy. So on the day of the wedding, I stopped into your shop, which makes cakes and cookies as if they were works of art. And you had so many beautiful things. But I couldn't afford any of them, so you showed me your quickie cake discount catalogue, where the cakes are just ordinary cakes but take only a couple of hours instead of weeks, but cost virtually nothing.

I wasn't happy, but settled for a quickie cake and was given one. As I was leaving, a man and his partner walked into your shop. The partner walked up to your counter and asked if the cake was ready. Your shop girl then gives the partner a beautiful cake. It was a triple-stacked rainbow cake with doves all over it, and the only thing wrong was that it had two grooms at the top instead of a man and wife. The cake was so beautiful that your shop girl asked to take a photograph, which the man who came in with the partner allowed, since it was clear he was in charge. It was so lovely as to be indescribable, and I just had to have it . . .

I asked him if I could take that cake with me because, except for the two grooms, it would be perfect for what I needed. He replied that it was also what his soon to be partner felt that he needed, and that he was not going to break his partner's heart by taking away the cake because they were getting married in the morning.

At that point, your rude shop girl intervened, saying that these two had ordered this cake two and a half months in advance, to ensure that the cake was finished and that nothing went wrong with it.

Angered, first by the man and then by the shop girl, I finally lost my patience. As soon as the partner gave the cake to the man so that the partner could take out his debit card from his wallet, I implored the man for the cake, and he laughed at me. So, riled up as I was, I smashed the man in the face with the quickie cake, grabbed the beautiful work of art cake, and ran out the door.

My daughter and her new husband thought the cake was simply perfect, and they were so happy with me, until my daughter ate some. You see, the beautiful work of art cake turned out not to have any sugar in it, but instead artificial. And my daughter is deathly allergic to some artificial sweeteners.

But as soon as my daughter began to show signs of illness at the wedding reception, Lancelot rushed her to the hospital and I never saw her again; he wouldn't allow me to set foot in the room on grounds that he and my daughter both felt I had poisoned her to sabotage the wedding. Can you believe it? What an insult!

Well, I was right about that damned Lancelot. He's suing me on my daughter's behalf for her medical bills and the ruined reception, so I'm suing you for what your inedible cake caused, not to mention my pain and suffering and humiliation!

I demand that you give me complete and total ownership of your bakery, and a million dollars besides. If you don't, I'll say that you make poison cakes on purpose, and I'll tell every paper, television station, and all my friends on Falsebook about your evil deeds!

But since you do make poison cakes, I would love it if you'd send a special cake to Lancelot, just for him . . . He just adored vanilla and cherry mixed together. Can't think why.

Angrily yours,

Ms. Jill Uss.

09-20-2015, 10:09 AM
Dear Ms. Uss,

The cake you stole was a diabetic cake since the groom's partner is a diabetic. Therefore, you won't get anything but a ban from my store.


B. Aker

Dear Makeup Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested and my parents called. All I did was put makeup in my schoolbag since I'm trying to fit in with the cool group at my school. These girls told me that shoplifting is cool. Thanks to you, my parents grounded me for two weeks. I demand you drop the charges, make my parents unground me, and make the cool girls let me into their group. If you don't, I will post on Facebook once my grounding ends that you're against cool people.


Wanda B. Cool

09-21-2015, 01:53 AM
Dear Miss Wanda B. Fool,

You were punked by the kids who told you that shoplifting was cool. How could you be so stupid? I understand the teenage desire to be part of the in-crowd. We all went through it growing up. But being wise is far more important in the end. Better to learn that lesson now, while you're still a kid, before you make a more serious mistake later in life and get really hurt. Not that I'm making light of over one hundred dollars worth of stolen make-up.

We have no authority over your parents and their punishments over you. However, we have agreed with your parents to drop the charges in exchange that you work off the cost of the make-up you stole. Your father thinks, and I agree, that a good, strict job (away from the register, of course) will teach you more than a conviction will. Hopefully, one night in jail is enough for you. Now, if you steal from us again, that's another matter and we won't be so forgiving . . .

Part of the point is to help you see just how much of an illusion being beautiful, and being cool, really is. The other part is to make you grow up a bit and learn some responsibility. We'll expect you to work a half-hour after school, and yes, I will personally pick you up from school and drop you off at home when your shift is over. After all, you are still grounded.


Ms. Seckhand Chanze,

Manager of Cosmictics Stoppe.


Dear Miss Dragon, owner of Killer Workouts,

I went with my friends to try out your gym, but we were immediately put through a ringer. We were forced to do strenuous exercise for an hour by one of the Dragon Ladies, the team of personal trainers who are relentless. They did let one of my friends stop when she got hurt, but they told the rest of us we had to keep on with our workout until the hour was up.

I broke a nail and broke a sweat.

I demand pampering for life, a free manicure, free coffee with sugar, creamer, and all the fixings, not to mention cookies, ten million dollars, and the firing of your Dragon Ladies to be replaced by pampering attendants.

If you won't, I will come into your gym, flood it by overfilling your pool, and destroy all your workout equipment and your dragon-themed posters.


Miss Bohnne Lazee.

09-21-2015, 08:34 PM
Dear Miss Lazee,

When you came into our gym, we invited to join our beginner aerobics class since you indicated that it was your first time in a gym in a long time. You're supposed to break a sweat when you work out. That's why we have showers. We also advised you that you should cut your nails short because a broken nail is possible.

As for your demands, you should go to a spa instead. We have sent your letter to the police and have banned you from our gym since you have threatened us.


Rose and Kaori, owners of Miss Dragon's Killer Workouts


Dear Yellowstone National Park,

I recently stayed in your park. I have never been so rudely treated in my life. When I was in your campground, a bison wandered near my site. I decided that I wanted to take a selfie with that large animal. As I was lining up the shot, this hell-beast decided to flip me into a tree and stomp my phone into pieces. I had to go find a find a pay phone and call the Park Police to come arrest it. The rude person on the line told me that I shouldn't have been so close to it, and they won't arrest that thing.

Later, I was with my family when we found a brown bear. I decided that I wanted to take a picture of the bear with my 2-year-old son. So, I smeared honey all over his face and got out of the car. That's when that rude park policeman ran up to us and told us not to get any closer to the bear. He told me that if I didn't go clean my son's face off, he would ask me to leave the park. He caused my son to cry.

Even later than that, we decided to go see the geysers. I wanted to get a closer look at one of them. As i was about to step over the fence, another park policeman told me not to step over the fence. He said that I would damage the ground and scald my face off. How dare he threaten me?

You really need to retrain your staff about being polite around me and my family. I demand $2 million and a new cell phone. If you don't, I will kill the animals with a high-power rifle.


Mrs. Maux Ran Dumass

09-22-2015, 02:49 AM
Dear Mrs. Dumass,

Do yourself and everyone else a huge favor; do research before you go someplace. Yellowstone Park is not Disneyland. This is actual wilderness with actual wild animals, not painted backdrops and actors in costumes. Wild animals are just that; wild. As in, not tame. As in, will see you and any human as a threat and defend themselves. They do not follow the rules of civilization, but their own instincts.

You placed your child in serious danger by smearing honey on him and trying to bait a bear, a highly dangerous animal who would have killed your child. We have your license plate number and video evidence, and have forwarded it to the police. Expect a call from CPS in your near future.

Will Derness
Yellowstone National Park

* * * * *

Dear Store Manager,

I was ringing out and telling your cashier Maria what a fantastic president Ronald Chump would make. She sighed but said nothing. I demanded to know what she thought, and she said she didn't discuss politics while at work.

Look, I want to tell the whole world that Ronald Chump would be the best president ever, and I will not rest until everyone agrees with me! Your stupid girl cashier has no business not agreeing with me! She must be one of them illegals who'd get shipped out. I demand that you fire and deport her, and place my Ronald Chump for President signs in front of your store! America for the Americans!

T. Party
Ronald Chump for World Leader

09-28-2015, 11:42 PM
Dear Mr. Party,

Maria is from Puerto Rico, which makes her an American citizen. But because you tried to assault her, you are banned for life. However, you did make one change; because of what you did, my whole staff has decided to vote for Elizabeth Sanders.


Ms. Orda Lee Store,

Manager of Superb Market.


Dear Canta-Ford Motors,

I went to your car shop to buy a new car, only to discover that all of your cars cost several thousand dollars!
"Quality and craftsmanship are worth the price," said your salesman, Walt. "Our cars cost a lot but they don't break down for years unless you crash them, and as expensive as they are, you're not likely to do that purposefully."
So I bring in my old, sloppy jalopy as part of the payment, a trade-in, you know. And Walt takes one look at it and says that he'd give me 100 dollars for it, and that's being generous! Generous? My car is a treasure. It's just that it's lost the bumper and part of the hood, and the right mirror and the left door, and that it only runs every other Tuesday without a jump. How dare he claim my car isn't even safe to drive, let alone fit to trade in!

But he tells me that they have some other trade-ins for people like me, cars in the 500-1,000 dollar range that weren't made by Canta-Ford but were given to them by people who wanted those cars. He warned me that those cars are not Canta-Ford quality and that, though the mechanics have fixed them up, they have no guarantees or warranties, unlike the expensive cars he'd normally sell people.

I found a car that I just loved, and bought it outright, even ignoring Walt when he beseeched me to give it a test drive. I straight out bought it and took it off the lot.

But after I got home, when I wanted to take a midnight drive, the new car Walt sold me didn't run at all. No matter what I did, it wouldn't work.

I called Canta-Ford in the morning and was told that the check I paid with had been from a closed bank account and that they were coming to repo the car if I didn't make a real payment. Yeah, I used a check from an old bank because I didn't have enough money yet in my current bank. So what? Without a car I couldn't get home.

Well, not only am I not making any payments, I demand that this car be fixed for free, and that you give me a million dollars for my trouble! And that you fire Walt for misrepresentation. He lied to me and tricked me!

If you refuse, I will come up to your shop in the dead of night and simply take whatever car I want. Of course, I'll change the VIN number and the license plates, and probably have it painted.


Oh no you don't! I'm not telling you who I am or what my address is. I've even sent this letter to you via fax so you won't have my home address. You have absolutely no way of knowing who I am or when I'll strike, so you'd better go ahead and fix this car for free, give me my money, and fire Walt. You can just call me Mr. E, though that's not at all my real name.

09-29-2015, 12:20 AM
Dear Mr. Monty Threecard,

Yes, despite how you signed your letter, we do know your name and address, as it was on the check you wrote and the drivers license we copied for the paperwork. It was a simple matter to collect all the information, including the security video of your interaction with Walt, the horrendous condition of that thing you called your "jalopy" and your refusal to listen to Walt's advice, despite his working in the business for twenty years and owning his own garage before that.

And since you have threatened in writing to break the law, we are forwarding all the information, including your letter (with the handwriting that matches the handwriting on the contract exactly) to the police and our legal department. You are hereby banned from our establishment, and if we see you here again, you will be in very deep trouble.

Emmanuel Canta, owner,
Canta Ford

* * * * *

Dear School Principal,

What's wrong with everyone at this school? Nobody has a sense of humor! Last Thursday I beat up Neville Nerdly, sure, but I was doing it ironically. I was just kidding, you know? Then Friday I took Peter Poor's lunch money. When he complained that he couldn't afford lunch now, I said, yeah, that's the point, don't you get it?

Seriously, what's wrong with everyone? Why am I in trouble? I was only kidding! Joking, funning, fooling around, you know? Why doesn't anyone get it? I shouldn't be in trouble! I demand that you and your staff all get a sense of humor. Oh, and let me off the hook and drop all charges.

Billy Bully

09-29-2015, 03:06 PM
Dear Mr. Bully,

What you did was aggravated assault and unarmed robbery. You even admitted what you did to Principal Sullivan. Those are not "joking," they are serious crimes that you will answer for. Just recently, a woman tried to get the governor to commute her sentence because burning a couch outside her ex-boyfriend's apartment was a joke. That "joke" killed 4 people when the apartment building burned to the ground.

We will seek a maximum sentence since you think committing felonies is a joke. We anticipate that the school board won't find it funny that a teacher is committing strong-arm robbery against his students.


Stanford Cornell, Office of the District Attorney


Dear Courtesan Clothing,

I decided that I needed some new lingerie for my new husband for our honeymoon. I really want to look good for him. I also heard that gluten was bad for men, so I wanted the gluten-free lingerie. The clerk said that they didn't have any gluten-free clothing. Thankfully, the manager came out and brought out lingerie that was gluten-free.

My husband, Hugh, really liked the way I looked. I'm pleased at the lingerie, but I think you need to train your staff better.


Cousen Annie Rection

10-08-2015, 12:25 AM
Dear Mrs. Rection,

Gluten-free is a food condition, not a clothing condition. Perhaps we need to train our clientel better. It's wonderful that your husband liked the way you looked, and I'm sure you did look like a god to him.

But you must learn the difference between clothing and food.


Mrs. Court E. San, owner of Court E. San's Clothing.


Dear Hidden Bargains,

I swiped one of your classified ads from a woman who put it down when she was done with it, but when I went to read it, I was told that without a password, I was not allowed to read it. "After all, these are Classified ads.

How dare you make ads that the public can't read? I demand that you give me free and full access to all the ads, and everything in the ads that I want! And at least one million dollars for my trouble!

And if you don't, my sister's brother's cousin's step-daughter's uncle's best friend's hairdresser's mother is the third cousin twice removed to a powerful attorney! I'll sue you for discrimination! And if that doesn't work, we'll go on Wolf News and protest about your racist ads!


Miss Pearl White.

10-11-2015, 06:44 AM
Dear Miss White,

You need to be registered to access our ads so you won't get any money. If you sue for discrimination, we'll have you laughed out of court.


B. Argain

Dear Phone Company Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off not giving me $400? My phone has been giving me problems and your rude employee was trying to get me to find out the problem. I told them what it was which should be enough. I demand you make your employees do their jobs properly or I will hack into your system and alter the payroll.


Ann Titled

Lace Neil Singer
10-18-2015, 01:20 AM
Dear Mrs Titled,

Lol. You think that we have a computer system here? How precious. Thanks to some rather savage cut backs, we're currently working our system out of a filing cabinet. As for your complaint, I was listening to your diatribe and honestly, your language would make a sailor blush. Therefore, I am cutting off your service until you either learn some manners or go elsewhere.

Have a nice day!

Sincerely, Phone Company Manager.


Dear Restaurant Owner,

I am disgusted at the rude woman you have working at your restaurant. I took my five year old son there yesterday and not only did we have to wait to be seated, but that bitch manager dared to yell at my little boy after he went into the kitchen to see what was happening there. How dare you crush his adventurous spirit by letting that infernal woman yell at him! I want all my meals comped for a year and for your manager to be sacked at once.


Ms Mikidspoiled.

10-19-2015, 11:34 PM
Dear Ms. Mikidspoiled,

We here at Blackjack 21's have promised everyone who dines in our restaurant a fine, refined, if somewhat playing card oriented meal experience for precisely one reason: You must be 21 or up to eat here. This is a refuge for those who do not want to be bothered by children while they eat. That is why the business next door is a two-to-four hour childcare service, The Play Pen, which provides children with dinner and entertainment, but is staffed with trained babysitters.

Our manager was not yelling at your kid, she was yelling at you! See, you had been told three times that you were to take your kid and go, and two of our diners left because of your bratty child. We even offered to take your son ever to The Play Pen and pay for his time ourselves, but no, you wouldn't have it. And we do expect him to pay for the fish tank he broke on the way out.


Queenie Ace, owner of Blackjack 21's.


Dear The Play Pen,

I brought my son, Georgie, who I personally love to call my little hellion because he's such a free spirit and I just love watching him play, to your business because my Mother was sick in the hospital and wanted to see me, but told me that she did not want me to bring Georgie. On the pretext of being so ill that she didn't want him to see how sick she was, she swore up and down several times on the phone, though I know that tone she was using. She also did prefer my brother's kids to my Georgie. I noticed his teenage daughter, Angel, was there at the hospital. Personally, I can't stand Angel. She's always so sweet and gentle. She held my Mother's hand the whole time she was there and kept trying to bolster her spirits. The only time she was gone was when she left to the gift shop to buy my Mother some flowers and hot chocolate. Suck up. I hate that child.

Anyway, what I'm writing about is because my Mother insisted that I not bring Georgie, I brought him to The Play Pen and they readily took him. The secretary, Miss Thorough, had a clipboard and a paper which she said all new clients had to fill out. It was quite intrusive, full of questions about how Georgie behaved, what he liked to do, if he preferred to be by himself or with other kids, what he liked to eat, if he had any food allergies or medical problems, was there an emergency contact in case I couldn't be reached. It really was quite irksome, but she said that she needed as much information as possible for Georgie's proper care, so I put up with it.

The trouble is what happened when I went to pick Georgie up. He wasn't there, and instead I got the third degree from your manager, Ms. Carrie Lott, who she really pissed me off. She told me that almost from the moment I left him, Georgie was really mad. He knocked over a shelf full of toys on top of another child, though at first the staff tried to calm Georgie and help him feel better, believing that he was scared and upset because he was alone and the place was unfamiliar. But then, Carry said, things only got worse.

He punch a little boy in the nose because he wouldn't give up the dump truck, and he made a little girl cry by taking her pizza and eating it after he ate all of his. Then he decided to run with scissors, but one of the trained babysitters put a stop to that. She took the scissors from him and put him in time out. Then Carry Lott called me, but of course I was too busy with my Mother in the hospital to answer the phone.

And while he was in time out, he escaped from the chair and ran to an electrical outlet. First, he removed the plastic safety plug-in cover and put it down the toilet, then he grabbed a little girl and was trying to put her pigtails into the outlet, while she kept screaming. Ms Lott came running at the first scream, pulled the girl away and handed her off to a babysitter, and then took my son straight to her office and kept him with her for the rest of the time. Georgie said she didn't give him anything to do after he threw the crayons she offered him at her, and so she spent her time keeping him with her and calling me repeatedly. Finally they called my ex-husband, who I listed as my emergency contact, and he called me and told me that I had to get Georgie and I had to get him now. I told him I couldn't. So he said he would, and he did.

My poor Georgie is traumatized! Not only was he subjected to cruel mistreatment by your staff, and to bullying by the other kids, but he also had to endure being spanked and punished by my ex-husband! It's going to take years of therapy to restore my son now and I expect The Play Pen to pay every last penny! I demand that you give me ten million dollars and free service at The Play Pen for life whenever I demand it, but that he be kept away from other children. Those spoiled brats aren't important and should be ignored anyway. They don't need the care and freedom that my son does. I further demand that you fire Ms. Lott, and stop demanding people fill out those intrusive questionnaires.

If you don't, I will come to The Play Pen and give all of the kids there Mountain Don't, the most caffeinated drink they ever made, and I will unleash a large litter of playful puppies who have not been housebroken. And then I will open the doors and let the kids run out into the street. You want 'em, you find 'em.

Furiously yours,

Miss Ivanna Sue Someone.

10-22-2015, 10:54 AM
Dear Miss Someone,

Your son could use some disipline in his life and your ex-husband did what he thought was best. Therefore, I recommend taking a parenting class and you and your son are banned until you complete the class.


C. Hildren

Dear Cooking Show,

I saw one of your wonderful recipes and decided to try it out. I set the oven, put the food in, and left the house. I came back later and found that the food had been burned. You need to tell people not to leave the house when cooking your recipes or I will come to your show and burn down the kitchen.


Mrs. Clueless

10-31-2015, 08:28 PM
Dear Clueless,

It says quite plainly in the directions for the recipe that you used to only cook for 10-15 minutes. That is a short enough time that you should not of left your home longer then to check the mail.

You claim is denied and this letter forwarded to your home insurance company to help their case of fraud.

C. Hef Bouillion.


Dear Harvard Grad School admissions,

how DARE you not accept my application into your hallowed halls of learning!!11!

I have a perfect 1.9 GPs, and mostly completed my BA in english!!!

How come you're not letting me apply into your prestigious College of Business?!

I have a brilliant idea for a business and everyone said i should learn to run a business b4 i start it. Everyone says your school is the BEST!!!

I even gave you the 4 letters of recommendations from my mommy, my priest, the next door neighbor, my old boss, paid your ridicouls $40 admission fee, and filled out the 50 page application complete with a glowing essay, and managed to get 52 points on that silly business GMAT test!

I DEMAND you admit me, give me in state tuition, and free lodging in your most predigious dormitory on campus!

Ivanna business

11-03-2015, 03:40 AM
Dear Ms. Business,

Your grade average is not high enough for admission. However, we will supply tutors to help you out so you will be able to reapply when you bring up your grade average.


E. D. Ucation
College Dean

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was add a hunger donation bag to every customer's order without asking since it's illegal not to donate. I demand you give me my job back at once. If you don't, I will break into the store after closing, take all of the hunger donation bags, and give them to the homeless shelter.


Charity Worker

11-11-2015, 03:02 AM
Dear Miss Worker,

We're an at-will state so we don't need a reason to fire you. And it's wrong to make people donate without asking them. Your heart was in the right place, but your head's somewhere else.


Ms. Karen Compassun,

Owner of Good Youth charity thrift store.


Dear Music Of The Night Record store,

I went to your store the other day to buy the new album by The Bigots, "Panda Ring". I really love their music and that album's got their biggest new hit, "Things You Want To Hear" on it. So I went to your store and I was told that your owner had expressly banned The Bigots from his store and that "Panda Ring" would not allowed, nor were any of their other cds.
"I can tell you that they got a big shipment in at Megalo-Mart," your employee, Gem, told me.

Well, I went ballistic. I knocked over everything I could reach straight to the floor and I stomped on it, and I demanded to see a manager. The manager, Alfred, told me that this is the reason The Bigots were banned, because of the way their fans behaved, and that I was banned too.
So I kicked him and knocked him to the floor, only to be removed by a big black woman who told me she was the security guard, and a black belt in karate.

I have never been treated so badly in my life! How dare you ban the biggest rock group in this country since the Armageddon Nightmare Band? I demand that you stock your store full of The Bigots, especially "Panda Ring" and that you remove every other band's music from your store!
And that you give me ten million dollars for my pain and suffering, and for the trauma that I endured having to mace my way through the crowd to get "Panda Ring" at Megalo-Mart!

If you won't, I have a friend named Terry Rist who loves to make fire bombs, and told me he'd be willing to lend me a few any time I asked him. Let's see how you like coming in to a store that's nothing but a hole in the ground!


Miss Belle Istick.

11-13-2015, 07:35 AM
Dear Miss Istick,

You will be sent a bill for damages and we are not removing the ban. If you follow through on your threat, we will call the police.


Alfred Peacelover

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off sending my daughter home before the end of her shift? All she did was give a customer a piece of her mind. Thanks to you, my daughter ended up in a car accident and was killed instantly. I demand you pay for her funeral since it's your fault she's dead or I will find your car and cut the brakes.


Mrs. Blunt

11-29-2015, 03:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Blunt

Giving a loud-mouth consumer a piece of her mind when he would not stop harassing her was perfectly legitimate. Bashing him upside the head with the umbrella he was going to buy was not. So we sent her home to cool off.

From what we heard, she did not go home. Instead, she went to a bar and got drunk, then attempted to drive home. We are not responsible for that in any way. We are sad to lose her because she was one of our best employees, and we grieve for her.

We would indeed have considered helping pay for some of the funeral, until you threatened to cut my breaks. We will forgive your letter because you're grieving, but please, don't write any further threatening letters. Otherwise, we'll have to turn it over to the police.

Respectfully yours,

Jan Till,

Manager of Food Tiger.


Dear The Management Company,

Your company's ad says that you specialize in providing temporary workers to fill corporate positions, and that all of your people are fresh out of business school and have never dirtied their hands with physical labor. That sounded just perfect for me.

You see, I own a medium-sized firm, and left running it entirely to the highly recommended Miss Pree Cise, who single-handedly turned my small firm into a medium-sized firm, though she told me that if we got much bigger, we'd have too many unsolvable problems, so we were best at medium-size. And it worked for years.
But my capable C. E. O., Miss Pree Cise, left to take a job with a government regulatory agency, so I needed a new C. E. O. on the spot. And your company was waiting to provide people with new temporary executives, so I hired your company and you sent me a man to run my business for me in Miss Cise's stead, Mister Lou Terr. I liked his charismatic style and hired him, giving him the same free hand I had given Miss Cise.

Well, I am furious! Not only did Mister Lou Terr line his pockets entirely with my profits, he looted and raided my business and turned my medium-sized business back into a small fraction of what it once was, completely undoing everything Miss Cise had done for me! He even had the nerve to sell off most of my other properties, including my factories and distribution centers, which did bring a short-term profit, at the cost that my company is now losing money because we need to turn to outside factories and distribution centers. And to make matters worse, all that short term profit went straight to him!

It is not my fault! My hourly workers aren't supposed to contact me demanding that I reconsider disposing of the factory or the distribution centers because that's their livelihood I'm monkeying around with! They're to take their complaints up the management chain.
Nor do I want to hear from stockholders demanding I fire The Management Company and get rid of Mister Terr because they aren't getting their share of the short term profits.
And I certainly didn't want to hear from Mister Terr's own secretary, but she personally called me, and when I refused to speak to her, she called my old friend Miss Cise and asked her to speak to me.
If I wanted to actually have my hands involved in running my business instead of raking in the profits, would I have anyone but myself as the C. E. O.? I demand to be left in my bubble rather than bothered by grubby underlings.

Now, I am willing to hear from my old friend Miss Cise, and when she told me what was going on with my business, she also told me what to do: Fire your The Management Company, and Mister Lou Terr!

So as of now, you are fired. And I demand that all my money be returned, and that you send me a new C. E. O. to work for me for free to make up for all the damage Mister Terr did. And I demand that you publicly apologize to me, and that you have your people go on every media they can find, from the papers to the business news to the Internet and praise my company and entice the customers back. You own me at least three trillion dollars, not to mention my company's fine reputation and a huge clientel, and I want them all back. Now!

If you don't, I will sick Miss Cise on you and watch her regulate your company out of existence, while I use my own media friends to turn your market shares to toast, and while I go on the business news programs and tell them what your company did to me while I wasn't looking, and that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

Miss Lassie Faire, owner of Watch This Electronics Industries.

11-29-2015, 03:14 AM
Oh man I want this one!!! I'll respond tomorrow, this is something straight out of my business books!! (I'm a business major)

11-29-2015, 04:28 AM
I'm glad someone's impressed. It took me a week to come up with a store idea nobody had used yet.

12-11-2015, 07:43 AM
Dear Miss Faire,

Next time, I would recommend doing a background check before hiring someone. We have reported Mr. Terr to the police for embezzlement and he has a criminal record of past embezzlement. We will do what we can to return your money but we can't send a CEO to do your work for free. However, you are more than welcome to enlist volunteers.


B. U. Siness

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off having my husband Will arrested? All he did was walk out with a bunch of groceries without paying several times because he didn't want to wait in line. I demand you drop the charges and allow my husband and I to cut in line all we want. If you don't, we will break into the store after closing and take all of the large bills from the registers.


Candy Notwait

Lace Neil Singer
12-22-2015, 11:42 AM
Dear Mrs Notwait,

Thank you for your letter, which has been passed on to our legal representative as part of the evidence we have against your husband. I'm sure you will be happy to know that we have a watertight case thanks to your help. Please accept a £20 gift voucher in gratitude.

Yours sincerely,

Ms Manager.


Dear Pizza Delivery,

There was a blizzard going on, so I decided to order a pizza from your place. I was disgusted that your staff were insisting that orders were collection only due to the drivers only having mopeds and being unable to deliver. Why the hell should I be forced to go out in a massive blizzard? Your drivers were just being lazy. I demand that you give me free pizza for a year or I will go to the papers and badmouth you on Facebook.


Miss Snojoke.

12-22-2015, 08:00 PM
Dear Miss Snojoke.

We here at Pizza Hot have a very strict policy that during white outs, we don't deliver. You were told this over and over again. Now, we were going to give you a free pizza voucher, but your cruel words and haranguing that made our grown man cry has cost you that, so you'll be getting nothing.

And by the way, we've already gone to the papers and social media. First one to speak is the one who wins on average. Sorry, Miss Snojoke, but the joke's on you.

Yours truly,

Mr. I. Likeit Hot, owner of Pizza Hot.


Dear Fee For All Bank,

I have a membership at Fee For All Bank, where you get top notch service but you pay through the nose. There's no free anything. Well, your debit cards are linked to the American Excess instead of Visa or Mastercard, and personally, I see nothing wrong with that. American Excess encourages people to shop until they drop and then shop some more.

Well, two weeks ago, I received a notice that you starting your Rubber Check program, where you write checks directly off the American Excess card. And so I did. I went and I wrote Rubber Checks all over town, having the time of my life.

So how dare your assistant manager at Fee For All send me a letter, which I just got yesterday, informing me that I've been abusing the Drubber Check program, which beats all other checks hands down. It wasn't mentioned in the paperwork for the check program anywhere, not that I read all that confusing garbage instead of tossing it in the trash and enjoying my card, that every time I wrote a check on the American Excess card, it was being drained from my bank account, and that I am not only overdrawn by a thousand dollars, but that I owe Fee For All Bank nearly fifteen-hundred dollars because of all the fees you've tacked on for being overdrawn, for writing bad checks, for having a bank account, and a tied American Excess card in the first place, for . . .

There's no way I'm paying you a dime for this! You lied to me by making me think I could just go out and spend! In fact, if you don't give me ten million dollars and a free American Excess card that I never have to pay for using, or pay off, I will just tell everybody in the world what a scam your bank is, and take my account and all my money straight to Worst National Bank! They've been begging for business from everybody they can find for years!

And, I'll sue you for fraud and and misrepresentation. But I'll settle for ten million and my card.


Miss D. M. Witt.

12-26-2015, 05:51 AM
Dear Miss Witt,

We are not responsible for your not reading the terms. Unless you decide to pay, we'll see you in court.


B. Ankcard

Dear Fanfiction.net Owner,

I've been leaving anonymous reviews telling authors to get rid of their original characters and they have the nerve to refuse and/or delete my review. No one likes original characters since people only come onto the site to read about their favorites shows, books, games, and/or movies. I demand you tell these authors to get rid of their original characters at once. If you don't, I will hack into your website and remove all of the fanfics that have original characters in it.


Ann T. Original

12-26-2015, 09:42 PM
Dear Ann T. Original:

As a creator of my own original characters, I'll have to say this.

No way.

No freaking way am I going to tell anyone to get rid of their original characters. It's their way of immersing themselves into the fantasy lands of which they are fans, and without original characters, we'd have the same old boring works over and over again. That's bad for business here at Fanfiction.Net.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm buying and installing the best firewall that money can buy for the servers to prevent such an attack from you. I will also keep updating and upgrading our antivirus software definitions. I will also file a report with the police and attach this letter to it. It's a big risk, but I don't want our servers destroyed because of your callous actions.





P.S.: I know some guys who are, well, "experts" when it comes to the Deep Web. If it ever comes to it, I'll have them track you down and let them do whatever they want to you.


Dear St. Nicholas Nursery School:

I am Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak, and I'm about to enroll my one-year-old son Murray into your school. I understand that as your school features St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, who, by the way, transformed himself into the lovable Santa Claus, that it would be a perfect environment for my son to grow and learn.

He has his mother's love for Christmas; I can tell. When we don't see any Christmas lights or carolers, all my dear little cutie needs to do is put on his cute little frowny face and let out a cute little cry and everyone does whatever we want! And if that doesn't work, Mommy, Daddy and Uncle Lloyd will always help out with their AK-47s.

Anyways, we moved here from the little uncharted island where Daddy used to live, so as to expose my son to as much Christmas as possible, and it's working! Don't you just love it when little Murray gets that look in his eyes that just screams for more Christmas? Though it was a bummer when the department and mall Santas ran screaming from us, we managed to physically rope one and tie him up, not letting him go until little Murray told him what he wanted for Christmas, and putting a gun to Santa's head until he agreed and bought the toys for him. That was fun. Too bad they're only available during the actual Christmas season.

But here I am, enrolling my son into your school. I sure hope the teachers here won't be Grinches like mine were! For example, I can still remember cutting up my preschool teacher for telling me that I was too naughty to be on Santa's Nice List! And my science teacher just wasn't the same after I dismembered him for not believing in the existence of Santa Claus!

Here's hoping that my son will have a wonderful time at your school!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

P.S.: Don't even consider calling the police or Child Protective Services on my family. The last time cops and social workers came over to our house, they was never seen alive again.

12-27-2015, 12:19 AM
(I was wondering when she was going to show up again!)

Dear Mr. President,

I need your help. Attached is a copy of a letter from the most dangerous person on this planet. Commissioner Gordon told me all about her; even the Joker is leery of her, if that tells you anything. Anything you can send my way, please do. SWAT teams, Green Berets, SEALs, snipers, Lobo, anybody. This woman is insane and her son is going the same way.

Please help, for the love of God and all that is holy, help!

Nicholas Saint, principal,
St. Nicholas Nursery School

* * * * *

Dear General Grocery Store,

How dare you stop playing Christmas music?! Don't you know the actual Christmas season isn't over until Twelfth Night, which is January 5th? What's wrong with you Scrooges and Grinches that you cut off the only true music as soon as it's December 26? If it were up to me, it'd play all year round.

Why, it is up to me! I'm coming right over there with explosives and guns and you will play nothing but beautiful Christmas music until the end of time, or you can kiss your store and lives goodbye!

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-27-2015, 04:06 AM
Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

We are sending the FBI to your home now. You have made a bomb threat against us. I hope you enjoy being in prison for the next 45 Christmases.


Apple Klerk


Dear Courtesan Clothing,

I decided that I wanted to see my husband, Hugh G. Rection, in my clothing. I had him try on my panties. Unfortunately, the stitching in the panties started to come loose. Then I had him try on my bra. It started to affect his breathing, so I had to take it off of him. Then I had him try on my dress. This dress goes all the way down to my knees, but it only goes to his mid thigh. I was able to put stockings on him, but we couldn't get his feet into the high heels.

When we complained to the staff, they told us since Hugh was much bigger than me, we need to buy Hugh his own outfits. After we did, I liked the way Hugh looked in his new outfit. How can you prevent any incidences like this in the future? Also, what are you going to do about my destroyed panties?


Cousen Annie Rection

12-27-2015, 04:48 AM
Dear Ms. Rection,

Attached is a pamphlet for a local cross-dressing club. They should be able to help you.

Ms. S. X. Undies
CEO, Courtesan Clothing


Dear Archangel crafts,

I don't usually shop anywhere but Christian book stores, because the secular world is evil and all other stores play wicked music from their speakers. But because of your name (and the fact that the stores I usually go to don't carry the supplies for the hobby I have recently taken up [making homemade beaded cross jewelry]), I decided to give you a chance on 12/24/15 (Christmas Eve), and I was pleasantly surprised by the righteous music that I heard in your store. But when I went back today (12/26/15) you were playing the same evil music as all the other stores! When I complained to the manager because a holy-named store such as yours shouldn't play such filth, he told me the music came from corporate and was no mistake. I punched him in his heathen face and ran out. I want him fired, all the music replaced with hymns, the assault charges dropped and free beads for life, or I will pray to God for Him to burn your evil, misleading store to the ground.

Ms. Fun D. Mentalist

12-27-2015, 08:53 PM
Dear Ms. Fun D. Mentalist:

We pray all the time. We pray that people like you will go away and not make a bad name for real Christians.


Angel Craft
Archangel Crafts


Dear Ms. Fun D. Mentalist:

Mary Christmas-Freak here. It seems I've found a kindred spirit of sorts.

I've tracked down the impostor who said that Christmas should end on January 5th. Rubbish! Christmas should last all year round, don't you think? And I never shop at General Grocery Store; the prices there are too high, anyway.

So I was wondering if you would like to join me in hunting down this heathen who uses my name to give a bad name to those who love all that is holy and Christmas-y. After that, then maybe we can chat over a cup of eggnog about our shared love of Christmas.

Of course, you wouldn't mind if my husband joins us? He's a little awkward due to the culture clash; he hasn't eaten a human in weeks, after all, and he getting sick and tired of eating what he calls "vegetables", though I swear, Christmas ham and Christmas turkey are NOT vegetables! So I hope you don't mind if he joins us. Don't worry, he won't eat you; I'll make sure of that!

Thanks in advance!

Your new bestie,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

12-31-2015, 10:21 PM
Dear Mary Christmas-Freak,

I remember the D. Mentalists well, first when the husband got mad at Misty Ghuru and now the wife angry with Archangel Crafts. I have rather taught them a lesson and now I am going to teach one to you.

You've got it all wrong. Christmas is actually the Winter Solstice, the rebirth of light, on December 21. The Catholic Church decided to steal this holiday as they did so many others and absorb it into their lineup of religious holidays as a means of converting people from the pre-Christian traditions of the old pagan religions.

Christmas should last all year? You have no idea of the seasons and their cycles, do you? Lasting all year would destroy the meaning, whether pagan or Christian, of the holiday.

Your hunting of other people stops now. I am going to give you a gift and a holiday I think you will find far more suitable. I have transformed your island into Halloween Island, where the spirits of the people you have killed will permanently haunt you and your husband and prevent you from doing harm to anyone else ever again. In time, you'll learn to have a great time in Halloween Island and with the spirits. Either in this life or in the next one. All your Christmas things and every Christmas-related thing you touch will transform into Halloween things and the veil between the living and dead will always be open for you and your husband. Think of it like being at Bed and Bath From the Beyond, only permanent. Make peace with it.

Happy new holiday, and remember, it's not wise to fool me.

Signed, Mother Nature.


Dear Games Are We,

I wish to complain to your corporate office about this tremendous bill I was forced to pay. I want it revoked and a full refund, and I want it now!
You see, I took my sons to your store to rake in the big after-Christmas sales and pick up some good bargains. And my sons loved your wide selection of board games and card games. But before I let them spend spend my good money on your wares, I told my boys to go ahead and open the games and play with them to see which ones they wanted. Of all the games that you had to offer, they wanted two. So how dare your manager demand that I pay for all twenty-seven?

Of course, I had to pay it. The police said so. But I am angry and that is the purpose of this letter. I expect a full and total refund, though, of course, I will be keeping the twenty-seven games they made me and my sons leave with.

If you refuse to give me a refund, I will personally bring my little son's ant farm to your store and drop it. They're fire ants. Then I will write to the papers and complain about what you did. How can my sons know what games they want if they don't open them and peek and pry and play? You're being unfair, so you know what, I now demand a million dollars, and if I don't get it, not only will I drop the ant farm and write to the papers, but I will personally ruin every board game and card game you sell. That'll teach you!

Angrily yours,

Mrs. Pryer.

01-02-2016, 09:53 PM
Dear Mrs. Fryer, I mean, Pryer:

We know where you live, since the manager of that store gave me your address. He's all the more happy to send bad customers my way, if only to save his own butt.

Based on his description of you, you'd make a lovely roast, by the way. I plan to dress you up and use your remains to fatten up your bratty kids.

Deliciously yours,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak


Dear People of the World:

This is Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak.

Mother Nature thinks that she can scare me with Halloween? HAH! My mother was a Halloween Freak who forbade me from doing anything Christmas-y growing up, so nothing scares me, not even the ghosts of anyone I killed! She's now holed up in a retirement home where people pay HER to leave them alone! What a deal, by the way!

And as for the Christmas stuff turning into Halloween? That never happened. I guess it's probably because that letter she wrote me came from the most polluted city in the world. Even then, she still has no power over me.

I don't mind spending Christmas in the summer. My family and I enjoyed Christmas clam-bakes in Australia, for example. We didn't catch any clams, but I made do with the rude surfer dudes who, for some reason, insisted that we were in California, not Australia. But anyway, it's the spirit of Christmas that should last all year-round, not the freezing -30 degree Celsius weather. That's what fake snow is for, by the way!

Anyway, my family and I will once again be laying low until next Christmas. We have enough gingerbread and icing to make a house in the forest, an open fire pit instead of a stove, and some fake IDs and disguises so that little Murray can grow up in peace. As for the food, well, you better hope you don't get lost and stumble upon our house!


Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

01-03-2016, 04:29 AM
Dear people of the World,

We are pleased that we have finally apprehended Mary Christmas-Freak and her family. They were apprehended on a ranch in west Texas. Her son was caught trying to buy a chainsaw with a mask on his face. They will face trial in federal court in Texas.


Stacia A. Hylton, Director, U.S. Marshals


Dear Ping,

Your clubs are faulty. Every time I use your driver, it keeps curving to the left. My balls keep finding wood or getting wet. All I want is to put it in the hole. I don't need my friends calling me a hooker. Also, your sand wedges are also defective. Thanks to them, I can't get my balls out of the sand.

I demand that you give me clubs that work.


Sandcat Forest

01-04-2016, 12:37 AM
Dear Sandcat Forest

Our clubs are fine, top-notch in fact. We have tested them and found that the only thing wrong with them is the player. Get your mind out of the gutter please. We are sending you clubs that we think you will be better able to use, along with diamonds, spades, and hearts.




Dear Superb Market,

I went to your store with my friends to go and buy more alcohol because we ran out in the middle of our celebration. Your cashier, Rachel, asked me if I was planning a party and I said yes. I also told her that we'd just robbed Worst National Bank of ten million dollars and were going to party it up until noon the next day.

So about an hour later, the police came to our door and arrested us all, telling us that a woman had called to report that we had committed the big bank heist.

My defense lawyer told me that Rachel was the sister of the cop who led the arrest, and that she has quite a penchant for talking to him at least once a day. So I want that woman fired, and I want a public apology, and I want ten million dollars to make up for the money the police confiscated from us and returned to Worst National Bank!

And on top of all that, you can pay our lawyer bills and our bail! It's all Rachel's fault that we got caught and locked up in prison for our deeds! How dare she go gossiping to that big, burly brother of hers? I demand justice! And if we don't get it, when we get out of here, we'll come up to Superb Market, kidnap Rachel, and take the ten million dollars, plus our other fees, on our own. You'll never know it was us.


Mr. Stu Pidcrook.

01-05-2016, 02:05 AM
Dear Mr. Pidcrook,

Thanks to your blabbing, Rachel did the right thing by contacting her brother. Therefore, we won't pay anything and Rachel has been given a raise.


C. U. Incourt





01-05-2016, 05:09 PM
Dear Colonel Rine:

Unfortunately for you, Brigadier General Lethbridge-Stewart has been informed of your "Orders". He agrees with us that you should not be hired. His Nephew, Sgt. Pepper, has told us that you have been abusive to other civilians, and that you have been reprimanded several times for that.

The Brigadier has told us that we made the right call here. Since we respect the Marines and the Brigadier, we shall do as he requested.

O. Ver Yourhead
Supermarket Manager


Dear Talk Radio Station:

How dare you decide to change formats! Why are you changing from talk to Classical? Don't you know that Classical music was written by a bunch of foreigners?

You just hate America!

If you don't go back to Talk Radio, I will come down there and make you listen to Meghan Trainor and Hansen over and over again, until you give me what I want!

Mr. Ir Rational.

01-06-2016, 12:41 AM
Dear Mr. Rational,

I have no objection to talk and believed in free speech. But it had reached a point where they were calling for open treason all day long. Just because a woman is president for the first time is no reason to demand an armed revolt, especially since she's from the party that the radio hosts usually support. I couldn't allow it to go any further.

So I bought the station at once and replaced it with beautiful music. Because I can. And in case you forgot, this nation was created by a bunch of foreigners, refugees, if I recall it right. But there's no need to waste any more of my time with you, because you are too irrational for my tastes.

Still, I have hired the best bodyguards to protect me should you even try to come near me and make me listen to anything, including you. But I'm sure you're actually in need of help, so I am including a thousand dollars for you to use to see a doctor and get on some medications. I hope it helps.

Peacefully yours,

Gloria S. Music, made rich by my novels and determined to do good things with my money, help the underprivileged people, and replace ugliness with beauty and refinement whenever I can.


Dear DC Marvel,

For the first time ever, your corporate office decided to host a guided tour of your facilities so that people, if they paid enough money, could see your comic book creation in action.

Well, I brought my son to the guided tour specifically in hopes of your people being willing to take a look at his self-created comics, which are expertly drawn. Especially his best and most frequent, Southern Man, who fights to put an end to the reborn Northern Menace led by President Blackman.

And what response did we get? First, being repeatedly told that the tour was to show off the facilities and let people get an inside look at how the comics are made, not to push unsolicited work on the staff. How dare you use that kind of word on my son? I don't know what unsolicited means, but it sounds like solicit, which is a sexual word, and I will not have my little ten year old exposed to that kind of language!

And then, when I finally do pester Stan Lee Kane, who appears on the tour at the very end, into looking at my son's Southern Man comics, he is shocked at the level of violence and asks me what kind of movies I allowed my son to watch! He says that nobody at DC Marvel has ever made a comic book so bloody, graphic, or violent in their lives, and that the days when women existed only to be used as victims are over in comics. He asks to speak to my son privately. My son comes up to him proudly, and the next thing I know, my son is taken deep into the studio without me.

They won't let me see my son, who I still have not seen yet. They tell me that something is very wrong with me, based on the things my son said to them, and the other people on the tour agree. So I get furious. I storm the studio and destroyed all of the work on the current comic of the Ex-Men, you know, about the men who died in a tragic multiple-chemical leak, but were reincarnated with special powers by a witch only to have the spell go wrong and bring them all back as women. You don't need a comic book led by women, anyway. Comics should be like my son's Southern Man!

Suddenly, I'm lassoed by somebody dressed as Wonderful Woman and tossed out of the place by security guards dressed as Superfan and Wolfsomean. The police were waiting for me and those three people brought me right to them, and I've been in jail ever since.

I demand that you drop the charges, give me back my son, publish Southern Man and make me and my son millionaires. If you don't, I will steal the best plots from the villains in your comic books and take them out on you, starting with Mr. Stan Lee Kane. Let's see you buckle and break under my vengeance!

Mr. Knott A Fulldeck.

01-11-2016, 03:26 AM
Dear Mr. Knott A Fulldeck:

Thanks for providing us the inspiration for a new comic book villain for the Ex-Men. He will be known to the heroes and the criminal underworld as Whitey, but his legal name will be Klyde Kristopher Kreuger. Unfortunately, as you committed vandalism, you won't get any royalties from us.

Also, your son confided in me that you were the actual creator of Southern Man and he only acted the way he did because he was afraid of you. He told us that you beat him every time in the summer because he tans easily, telling him that he's not your son because your son would be bleached white and he wasn't.

Finally, did you know that "solicit" does not mean "explicit"? We don't want people pushing their stuff on us all the time because every comic has to be reviewed by our board. That's why we only accept amateur comics at conventions.

You will be hearing from our lawyers regarding the damages that you caused to our studio.


Mr. Stan Lee Kane
DC Marvel Entertainment Inc.


Dear Pizza Delivery, Power Company, Water Company, etc:

Why don't you accept bitcoins? All my money is in bitcoins, since that's where the market is now.

I demand that you accept my bitcoins as payment, or I will use some of my bitcoins to purchase weapons on the Deep Web and storm all of your facilities and blast you to bits!


Emma Bit Short-on-Cash

01-12-2016, 08:58 PM
Dear Ms. Short-on-Cash

We've conferred with each other and we all agree that bitcoins are not where the market is now. We won't honor your payments in bitcoins, but we will be disconnecting your services until you make good on the months of non-payment. See, none of us knew just how much you were stiffing us all. Now that you've all but confessed to it, we're working against you collectively.

Since you've made a ridiculous but terroristic threat, your pay will come out of the money you earn in prison.


Mr. Spee Dee, Owner of In a Flash Pizza,
Miss E. Lectra, Manager of Absolutely Shocking Power Company,
And Mr. N. E. Tune, Manager of the By Poseidon's Grace Water Company.


Dear Get You Gone Gas Station,

I lowered myself to come to your gas station today to buy fuel for my perfect car, due largely to the amount of lawsuits I have filed in order to have my car perfectly safe and customized entirely for myself. I'm a legend in town, as just about every business knows, since I've had more than one day in court with just about all of them.
But your gas station just opened up here at the crossroads at Acheron Pit, and as I happened to be driving by on my way back from court, I remembered having been given a business card by a hag who showed up at the court handing them out.

Then when I pull into the gas station, I see not merely that hag, but her two sisters. They turn out to be the three employees of the gas station, and they greet me as the winner, first of a great lawsuit, then of a greater still lawsuit and finally as King of the Courtroom, which I loved to hear.

And the next thing I know, the sisters led me to the cash register, and to a great bit sign that read Win A Lotto Money with the Wheel of Fortune Card.

Naturally, I wanted to win that, so I paid for as many tickets as I had cash to buy, which was a great deal since I'd just had a successful cash settlement from a store that . . . well, that's another story. Never mind. Anyway, and as I gave away my cash, every last dollar, to buy ticket after ticket, they took my money and filled up my car, and then the three hags seemed to disappear. Quite unseemly for store employees.

Anyway, when I get home, I find that yes, I have won a great verdict in court again, but that the winning ticket at the Win A Lotto Money with the Wheel of Fortune Card game was my friend, Ben Quo, not me. Naturally, I was furious.

No, I'm not going to go out and kill him, but I've already filed multiple lawsuits against him and his family, and now I fully expect a total refund out of your gas station for daring to hire those women who made me spend all my money on lotto tickets when my best friend won!

I am absolutely furious, and I command you to give me back all my money, because if you don't, I will flood you with a tidal wave of lawsuits until not only do I have all your money in my pocket, but I also own your gas station, your house, and even your children if I wanted them, which I don't.

So do you give me back my money, and come to think of it, a considerably generous settlement, possibly even half-ownership of the gas station, or do you roll the dice in court, where successfully suing the last store I haven't sued yet would be my crowning achievement and would surely set me in security for life.


Mr. Tsu Nami.

01-13-2016, 08:52 PM
Dear Have A Knife Day Weapons Shop,

We've got a problematic customer here. It seems that he's blaming our three employees for his own stupidity, and now he's bringing a lawsuit against us that could destroy the business we've worked so hard to get. This guy needs to...disappear, if you get my meaning.

We'll take care of the worst nastiness ourselves, if you'll supply some weapons -- a couple of daggers should do the trick -- and dispose of the body afterwards. Then we can all wash our hands of this unpleasantness.

Mac and Beth King, owners,
Get You Gone Gas Station

* * * * *

Dear Have A Knife Day Weapons Shop,

I saw a truck with your logo drive by my pig farm a few days ago. Since then, my pigs have been dying left and right. When I went out to check on them, I saw human bones sticking out of their feeding trough!

What the hell you been doing? It had to be you guys, we live way out in the boonies and nobody drives by, ever. I sure as hell ain't poisoning my prize piggies!

You've made me lose a lot of livestock, and my livelihood. No butcher's going to want to buy poisoned pigs to butcher! My wife says I should go to the police, but...let's say I'm a reasonable man, willing to let bygones be bygones, for the right amount. I think $50,000,000 is a fair settlement for my loss of business. Otherwise, I will go to the county mounties!

Yours truly,
Ben Dover, owner
Dover's Premier Pork farm

01-13-2016, 09:56 PM
Dear Mr. Dover:

Apparently, you can't tell the difference between human flesh and pig flesh. Your wife called to tell us that your pigs are fine. They're resting and playing comfortably at the California Retirement Ranch for Old and Tired Animals.

You see, she's a vegan who believes in setting animals free rather than butchering them. You know, for a small fee of $50,000,000, we can get rid of your wife and bring your pigs back. Sound good to you?


Ma Fia, Owner
Have a Knife Day Weapons Shop


Hey, Easter, honey!

It's your girlfriend, Bea Mai Valentine, here!

What happened to you? When you were seeing me, behind your ex-wife Mary Christmas-Freak's back, you expressed how much you used to freak out about Easter the way she freaked out about Christmas. When we were kids, we used to kill and eat people in the name of Easter.

This was all you, not me. I laid low because I loved you, and still do, and I didn't want to remind you of your ex-wife's obsession, replacing Christmas with Valentine's Day, of course.

Now that your ex-wife is in prison, and you're no longer in fear of your life (for now), it's time for you to get that passion back into your life, and decide who should be your loving new wife.

You see, I've seen you kissing Miss Labour Day at the office where you work, and I've once saw you in bed with Miss Fourth of July through my secret security camera system. Let's just say that the "fireworks" that I saw made me see red, and not in a good way.

You need to decide who you want to marry right now. I saw you buy an engagement ring at the jewelry store the other day. If you choose me, I will personally see to it that all rabbit hunters and taxidermists will be shot, thrown into the wood chipper and used as mulch to grow food for the descendants of all the rabbits that they killed. I will give up Valentine's Day forever to dedicate my life to pleasing you with lots of sex and Cadbury Creme Eggs, which I'll make sure the factory makes all year round or else!

However, if you don't choose me, I will stun you, strip you naked, wash you and hand you over to Wonka's factory to have you turned into Easter-flavoured chocolate coated Freak! It might taste horrible to others, but you will always taste sweet to me!


Miss Bea Mai Valentine


Hey, Easter Freak!

This is your boss, Miss Labour Day!

You better have a good explanation on why you keep shirking your duties here at Holiday Inc.!

I don't care if your ex-wife or many girlfriends threatened your life! Your life belongs to me! Labour Day is all about the workers, after all, not about the slackers!

You know how much I love you and consider you to be like family. One of your co-workers spotted you buying an engagement ring, and, like good little employee, went to tell his loving boss, that's me, about it. I never saw you love anyone else in the office except me, so it must be for me!

Because if it is for me, I will personally see to it at Holiday Inc. that Easter be the major holiday to celebrate, not Christmas, which was previously run by your ex-wife before I fired her. Major retailers will get customers to buy presents on Easter and if they don't, I will personally sic the company lawyers on them, and if they still don't, I'll send in my troops to shoot up the place and wrecking balls to tear the buildings down. And I'll find a perfectly legal way to do it too!

If it's not for me, however, I will not fire you. I will hire the experts at Have A Knife Day Weapons Shop "take care" of you dispose of your remains discreetly.


Miss Labour Day
Holiday Inc.


Hello, Easter, dear!

Your loving girlfriend, Miss Fourth of July, here!

I'm so glad that you divorced your ex-wife, Mary Christmas-Freak. She was so un-American! I mean, who forgoes fireworks to celebrate Christmas in July, right? Christmas belongs in December, after all!

Remember back in high school when we used to argue about which holiday was better? How I shot fireworks at random people on the street? You won, though, when you seeded all of downtown with your mutant carnivorous rabbits! We laughed at how much mayhem our argument has caused! Though you swore revenge on the exterminators that killed your precious rabbits.

Then you married that woman and all that passion for Easter was suddenly gone. What happened? You used to be so vibrant.

Well, now that she's gone, maybe I can help you get that passion back into your life. I saw you buy an engagement ring, but I also know that your other girlfriends and their employees saw it, too.

If you choose me, I will personally, and charitably, might I add, give up my passion for America, temporarily, to help you back on your feet. I will hang, shoot and gas people in the name of Easter. I will sic bunnies everywhere and pelt coloured egg-shaped grenades to show to you that I care about you.

However, if you don't choose me, I will unload all of my guns into you, and if you're still alive, I will fabricate evidence of you being a terrorist (not that it's too hard to fabricate, after all), and submit it all to the U.S. Government, who will probably waterboard you and torture you. Maybe they'll put you in the same cell as your ex-wife, you terrorist! 'MURICA!!!!!


Miss Fourth of July

01-15-2016, 09:31 AM
Dear Miss Valentine, Miss Day & Miss July,

I've never harmed anyone or anything and I still have a passion for Easter. Also, the engagement ring is for my current girlfriend, Miss Thanksgiving, who has a great passion for Thanksgiving just like I do for Easter.


Easter Freak

Dear Restaurant Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was plop the food on the plates since it was going to be eaten anyway. Who cares what the food looks like on the plate? The customers who complained should've been grateful that they were getting food in the first place. I demand you give me my job back and allow me to cook as sloppily as I want. If you don't, I will prepare a large jug of beet juice and dump it on your head.


S. L. Oppycook

01-15-2016, 05:46 PM
Dear S. L.,

This restaurant is not a hash house. We here at Chez Magnifique pride ourselves on our presentation, making sure our food looks as good as it tastes. What you cooked looks like it came from a can of cheap dog food!

So, no monsieur, you will not be getting your job back here, not unless you go to culinary school and learn the finer points of our fine French cuisine.

Respectfully yours,
Jacques Strappe, owner,
Chez Magnifique French Cuisine

* * * * *

Dear Chez Magnifique,

You guys owe us money! We've sent several cases of our product to your slophouse, as ordered by your cook S. L. Oppycook, and we've yet to receive any payment for it! You'd better pay up or we're taking you to court!

Carrie On-Meat, owner
Nofrills Canned Dog Food

01-15-2016, 09:45 PM
Dear Ms. Carrie On-Meat

There's no need to yell. You will get your money as soon as we settle our lawsuit against Mr. Oppycook. If we can't get a fair settlement, we know some guys from the Deep Web who could use a few organs.

Don't worry; you'll get your money one way or another.


Jaques Strappe, owner
Chez Magnifique French Cuisine


Top 'o the mornin' to you, Easter, me lad!

Your best bud, Saint Patrick here (not the actual saint, though)!

I just wanted to warn me best bud about your ex-wife, Mary Christmas-Freak. After you sent out your letter, Miss Valentine, Miss Labour Day and Miss Fourth of July all confided in me that she paid them over the past year to court you as part of her revenge. She also hired your psychologist to plant false memories into you so that you wouldn't suspect a thing. But it seems that you got better, I hope.

None of them are actually violent, nor would they ever follow up on their threats, rest assured.

But she did try to pay me to put a date rape drug in your beer, haul your butt over to the prison where she sits, and pay the bartender to look the other way. Don't worry, buddy, I won't do it to you. I know what she looks like and I couldn't, for the love of all things lucky, figure out what you saw in that monster when you married her.

Just looking out for my best bud,

Saint Patrick

P.S. You might want to run now, me lad. Don't bother calling the police in this area; According to the news, Mrs. Christmas-Freak already runs the entire prison system and regularly bribes cops and other officials with meat carved from her dead inmates.

01-19-2016, 11:41 AM
Dear Saint Patrick,

Thanks for the heads up. If you're interested, I'd like for you to be my best man at my wedding.


Easter Freak

Dear Bar Manager,

You had no right to ban me! All I did was whiz through the place while knocking over everything in my path. I demand you lift the ban and give me free drinks for life. If you don't, I will zip through the bar wearing nothing while singing the national anthem.


Mrs. Tornado

01-20-2016, 12:18 AM
Dear Mrs. Tornado,

As they say, if you sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind. The ban is in place, but you know what, here's a thousand dollars enclosed in a check. You see, I want you to go whirl around naked and singing the national anthem at Flame-Ingo's Bar. You see, that fiery hothead could stand to be knocked down a peg, or a wall, and I can think of nobody better than you.

So go blow his way, my dear airhead. Just remember never to come back here.


Miss Eartha Stone,

Owner of Rock Solid Bar.


Dear Vice Grip Insurance,

How dare you cancel my policy? I did absolutely nothing wrong. I simply found that my house was too hot, so I corrected it by filling up my bathtub so that it flooded, spraying everything in my house with water, and then turning my air conditioner on to full blast. I like my house to be cold as ice, just like I like my food and my boyfriends. I even drive a specifically modified car, which I call my Coldsmobile, for goodness' sake!

How dare you cancel my flood and homeowner policies? I've done nothing wrong, and I expect my money back. If you won't reinstate me, for free, and return all my money, I'm going to go to your building, light a lighter under your fire sprinklers, and then spray your whole place with a fire extinguisher so make it much more comfortable for me.


Miss Winter Frost.

01-22-2016, 06:23 AM
Dear Miss Frost,

What you did was insurance fraud so you won't receive any money from us. However, there will be a nice cell with no heat waiting for you once you're arrested.


H. O. Nest
Insurance Manager

Dear State Mayor,

Where do you get off calling a state of emergency? All we're getting is some snow which is natural for this time of year. I demand you drop the state of emergency at once. If you don't, I will take the caps off the fire hydrants and spray the water all over the city.


Nota Bigdeal

02-03-2016, 08:49 PM
Dear Mr. Bigdeal

We are so glad to inform you that your wife is finally recovering and returning to sanity. The treatments Dr. X. have been giving her have had amazing results. It'll be safe to see her by next week, we're sure of it.
Just remember, don't mention Sub-Zero or Mr. Freeze around her. They can still cause her to regress.


Nurse Y, personal assistant to Dr. X, of You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.


Dear Mr. Rip Off's Bargain Bin,

I went to your store to take advantage of your drastically lowered prices on your merchandise, like everyone does. I found so many things on sale that I just had to buy them. Unequal artificial sweetener, Excessive headache medicine, Pseudo-fed cold reliever . . . I just spent my whole paycheck there.

Well, Unequal sweetener had a picture of all those happy white men on it, so I thought it would make me happy too. And the medicines were just the right price - dirt cheap. I even bought cheap dirt at your store!

Well, I used the Unequal sweetener in my coffee and found I had quite a big problem. The first package was just right when I put it in my cup of coffee. So when I put in another package for my second cup, I found that it was too sweet! Well, I figured I could live with that and used another package for my third cup of coffee. This time, it was so bitter I could barely taste any sweetener at all! Then when I tried a fourth and final cup, it was sweeter than ever!
It's as if each package has a different amount, like the level of sweetener in Unequal was not the same per pack.

And the Excessive headache medicine certainly relieved my headache. In fact, it relieved all my pain so I couldn't feel anything all day.

As for Pseudo-fed, that was supposed to make my cold go away, but it didn't actually do anything. It was like I'd taken a placebo. Did someone make a pretend version or a sham and put it in my Pseudo-fed?

Well, naturally I took everything I bought straight to your store again and tried to return it, only to be told all sales are final on opened merchandise! What? How dare you? Your store is a fraud!

So what if I did throw a temper tantrum, rip a planogram right out of the floor, destroy an endcap, tear the tag off a pillow, and squeeze the Charming toilet paper? I have a right to after the shabby way I was treated!

I demand a million dollars in compensation for my stress and trauma, as well as a personal shopper and the right to return whatever I've bought, opened or not, and without a receipt.

My husband is a cop and I know personally from him that you can't sell this stuff. Your whole store is illegal. So if you don't do what I command, I will sic him on you and watch him destroy your store and your life, Mr. Rip Off. Oh yes, I will.

Signed, Mrs. X. Tortion, wife of Officer X. Tortion.

02-06-2016, 09:52 AM
Dear Mrs. Tortion,

I have informed your husband about your incident in our store. He is currently trying to get a warrent for your arrest and has filed for divorce.


C. Heap
Bargain Store Owner

Der inglish teachir,

were du you git off faling me? all i did was writ a esay fur yur clas. i dimand yu giv me a A+. if yu don't, i wil post on facebuk dat yu don't no how to teech.


S. T. Ruggling

02-06-2016, 11:10 PM
Dear Mr. Ruggling,

I'm sorry that You seem to have dysgraphia. I have enclosed a brochure on psychological services with specialties in learning disabilities. Please take advantage of them.


Smith Jung


Dear Newsmonth,

I read about your coverage of the local Pride Parade. I saw a picture of two men kissing. I can't believe that you would include that picture. I don't want my kids to think that kind of thing I saw in that picture is acceptable. I don't have a problem with gay men, but wearing soccer shorts with cowboy boots is just downright offensive.

If I see men doing that, I'm telling them to drop their shorts.


Austin Amarillo

02-12-2016, 11:41 AM
Dear Mr. Amarillo,

Thanks for bringing your concern to our attention. We will be posting an apology article in the next issue since you're not the only one who complained about the picture.


R. E. Grets

Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to arrest me! All I did was grab some jewelry, go to the security camera, open my purse, and put the jewelry inside while waving to the camera. I demand you drop the charges and give me a $400 gift card to make up for my arrest. If you don't, I will make a video of me putting perfume into my purse and post it on Youtube and Facebook.


Ida Dumbshoplifter

02-12-2016, 09:23 PM
Dear Miss Dumbshoplifter,

We had every right to have you arrested. You see, we do not want you to put things into your purse until after you have paid for them. We're not dropping anything.


Miss Diamond Caret.

Upper Crust Department Store Manager.


Dear Charon Styx Cruises,

I cheated my sister out of his, er, I mean, I won a free cruise on one of your new Heavenward luxury liners to Central America, where we would go to such places as Ghosta Rica, El Spectredor, Panaphantoma, Hauntduras, and Geistamala.

According to the cruise directions at the start, given to us by cruise director Circe Madea Pandora, if we obeyed the local customs and behaved properly, both on the ship and on the land stops, we'd have a wonderful time and find real blessings from the spirit world.
But if we defied the local customs, behaved badly, and a whole list of other things I just stopped paying attention to, the spirits would be angry and we'd have Hell to pay.

Well, I want you to know that I have had the worst cruise of my entire life! Strange things kept happening to me right from the start, and I kept seeing images of my brother in the bathroom mirror until I finally smashed the mirror. No, I'm not paying for it! And he kept being paged, when he was not on the ship at all.

But it was when we got to Ghosta Rica that things really went bed. So what if I did pick something up from a sacred site and not put it back, but kept it for myself and not tell anyone? It's my treasure now and I won't give it up! Admittedly, it was after that that my cruise really turned to Hell on sea, but really.

How dare the rubber raft that I was on spring a sudden leak? How dare the glass I'm drinking from suddenly break while I'm drinking from it? How dare the fire sprinklers suddenly go off in the middle of the night all over me while I'm trying to sleep? And there was absolutely no reason that the two boys throwing water balloons to each other, should suddenly have a balloon deflect off the wall and hit me in the face when my face is covered in cosmetic mud from my facial! Where was their mother, anyway?

And no, I do not accept responsibility for getting drunk and pushing that man overboard. I told the bartender I didn't want any alcoholic drink, yet he slipped me one anyway, and that man crashed into me and then tumbled.

This is the word cruise I ever cheated to win, and it was nothing but torment from the start!

I expect a million dollars and free cruises for life, with the best cabin on the ship! If you won't let me have it, I'll bring along an exorcist the next time I feel like going on a cruise I don't pay for. See all your fancy haunted locals when the ghosts there are all driven away! Your business will be ruined!

And make these damned ghosts stop bothering me! They just will not quit monkeying around with my electronics!


Mr. Finn Agler.

02-21-2016, 11:19 AM
Dear Mr. Agler,

Your sister informed me of the situation and your behavior was atrocious. Therefore, you are banned from the cruise and you must redeem yourself in order to break the curse.


B. Oat
Cruise Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off hiring teenagers? Don't you realize that adults need jobs and that teenagers just socialize and don't do any work? I demand you fire all teenagers and hire only adults from now on. If you don't, I will sue your store for underage employment.


Mrs. Judgmental

02-28-2016, 03:27 AM
Dear Mrs. Judgmental

Some teenagers have a poor work ethic, while others work so hard they put adults to shame. And yes, I do hire teenagers, but not exclusively. I hire whomever I feel is the best qualified for the position. Just because I fired your adult son for insulting the customers, and the other staff, doesn't mean I've broken labor laws. In fact, keeping him would have gotten me a hostile workplace suit, and I'm not having that.

Sincerely, Ms. Farrah Dealer,

Bestmarket Manager,


Dear Supermen Cleaning Agency,

It's been some time since I hired the Lioness agency to get rid of the mice and rats in my house, and they did, but they refused to come a third time unless I did something about the mess of my house. In fact, Leona Pride herself finally met me somewhere and handed me a card for your Supermen Cleaning Agency, and told me I was to call them and stay out of their way.

And so I called you guys, and your all-male team, which I viewed as an improvement over the all-female Lioness team, began to clean my house up, but every time they touched anything, it was special to me, something I was saving. I couldn't let them mishandle my precious stuff. Then, one of them cut his hand on some of my collection of green rocks and said the men couldn't continue. The leader even said that they had to leave because this was a job for the Wonder Women Cleaning Agency.

I demand you send your sorry, inferior little men back to my house, and not only will you clean it for free so Lioness will agree to take care of my new roach problem, but that you give me back all my money and free service for a year.

Just don't touch my piles of collectibles all over the place. I just love my stuff and can't let it get damaged by overly strong, insensitive hands.

If you don't, I'll collect the roaches and spread them all over your business! Your name won't be Supermen Cleaning Agency any more, it'll be mud! And I'll even bring my video camera, once I find it in all my mess, and use it to film your business covered in roaches. Then you'll all be on your knees begging me not to send the video to America's Most Disgusting Home Videos! Take that!


Mr. Tras H. Keeper.

02-28-2016, 05:36 AM
Dear Mr. Keeper,

Those "green rocks" were actually broken beer bottles. Our cleaner cut his hand when he tried to brace himself after you pushed him. He was trying to throw away a newspaper that was dated August 24, 1987. That is not a very significant date. We had to call the Wonder Women Cleaning Agency because the job is too big for us alone, especially since you keep getting in our way.

If you don't stop interfering with our jobs, we will call Adult Protective Services and the Health Department. They will probably condemn your house and have it torched.


Ken T. Clark, Supermen Cleaning Agency


Dear B.o.B.,

How could you say that the Earth is flat? Is the Earth as flat as your brain waves?

I know what you're really up to. You're trying to turn our children into a bunch of uneducated troglodytes so they drop out of high school just like you. You're conspiring with that Hitler loving Tila Tequila. I have proof of your plot. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

02-28-2016, 02:33 PM
Dear Mr. Noid,

You've been reading the Discworld series by the late, great Terry Pratchett. Wonderful as those books are, they are fiction, and Mr. Pratchett never pretended otherwise.

Thank you for your patronage.

Cy N. Sfiction, proprietor,
Bundles of Books

* * * * *

Dear Fashion Store,

Your service is terrible. The only person on the floor was talking to someone else, and when I demanded service, she said she was helping the other person and would be with me shortly. Well, I'm far too important to wait, and I told her so!

Next thing you know, mall security are hauling me out of the store! I've never been so humiliated in my life, except for the other five stores that also did that to me.

I demand a million dollars in gift cards, and insist that you retrain your employees to stop what they're doing and serve me and only me when I come to your store!

Sue Percilious

02-28-2016, 10:03 PM
Dear Miss Percilious,

We thank you for shopping at Capri Cious Fashions, where we have everything from Capri pants to, well, whatever strikes us to have in stock at any given moment. Our only standard is that it must be in fashion and beautiful. Luckily for us, fashions seem to change as often as our moods do.

And quite bluntly, our employee just didn't feel like bothering with you. You were not important enough. If you came in an hour or two later, you would probably have been waited on hand and foot, but you hit the wrong time.

Right now, I'm feeling generous, and so I'm going to send you some coupons, but we may or may not honor them depending on how we feel.

Mercurially yours,

Mr. I. M. Pulsive, owner of Capri Cious Fashions.


Dear Hoyle Greeting Cards,

I went into your store to buy a card for my sweetie for Valentine's Day because your store, crazy as it is, was the only one left in town. What a weird store, where every single card you stock is a mix of a greeting card and a playing card.

Your Four Aces Happy Birthday card, for example, and your Queen of Spades line of Halloween cards, and, of course, your Thinking Of You 6 of Hearts card.

I searched through your wares, but couldn't find any Queen of Hearts Valentine's Day cards, which your store is famous for. Your employees said that everyone else had already bought you out a couple of days beforehand, and the store hadn't received its shipment of replenishment stock yet.

Well, I was angry, but I didn't do anything about it. Instead, I grabbed one of your workers by his neck and forced him to come along with me to find a suitable card. He led me to your Joker cards, which he said are deliberately wild cards that can be used to replace any other card. But I found those Joker cards disgusting, and I forced him to bring me to more cards.

He brought me to his last possible alternative, the Queen of Diamonds cards which don't say anything, but have slots to hold money and gift cards. But those cards were the most expensive cards you sold! No way I was going to buy that!

Finally, a man came in to return a Queen of Hearts Valentine's Day card because he and his fiancé had broken up, him having caught her in bed with another man. He had a receipt, so the return was accepted. And I saw my chance and grabbed it. Literally. As soon as the return was done, I grabbed the card and ran with it.

Your employees told me that to take the card without paying for it was stealing, and that I wouldn't be able to pay for it because it wasn't supposed to be back in the inventory or something like that. Well, I fought your male employee, and finally beat him by overturning a rack full of cards on top of him, then stomping him.

Your female employee ran to the phone and called the police, so I took the card and ran.

And I gave the card to my sweetie, but because of the resulting battle, the card was badly deformed and warped, and when I told my sweetie about how I had gotten it to explain it, she told me that she never wanted to see me again!

So I demand that I be allowed to return this card, and a million dollars for my aggravation. Plus I demand that I always be given a perfect, immaculate copy of every single new card your company makes, for life!

And if you don't, not only will I came to your store with a blowtorch and incinerate every card in your business, but I will also create my own greeting card company and make myself a fortune, with you out of business. And I will grab that useless male employee again and make him help me do it! If he won't, I'll incinerate him!


Mr. Ram Page.

03-02-2016, 12:11 PM
Dear Mr. Page,

We are pressing charges for shoplifting and your arson threats. Therefore, the only thing you'll be getting is a prison sentence.


D. Eckofcards

Dear Pizza Shop Manager,

I came to your shop to order a pizza and your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that they don't open for another couple hours. Obviously, he was lying since there were employees working in the shop which means that you're open. I demand you fire the rude employee and give me a dozen large pizzas for free. If you don't, I will call 911, have the operator force you to make my pizzas, and then burn down the shop.


Mrs. Pizza

03-02-2016, 07:26 PM
Dear Mrs. Pizza,

Clearly you do not understand what goes into running a pizza restaurant. We have to open early to prepare the food: dough needs to be made and proofed, sauce made, cheese shredded, veggies and meats sliced, and everything placed in its proper container. Not only that, we have to count down the tills and get change if needed, do any cleaning the night crew missed, and make the dining room presentable for the day's patrons. That takes time and personnel, that is why there were several employees in the store before it opened.

You will not receive any free pizzas, and your letter has been forwarded to the police and a paper trail started. Any mischief from you, and you'll be enjoying your next several years worth of meals courtesy of the Greybar Hotel.

Andy Pasto, owner
Andy's Pizzaria

* * * * *

Dear store manager,

I fancy myself quite the witty fellow. I regularly amuse my friends and family with my witty quips. The other day I went shopping at your store, and took my items to the register. One had a badly-printed UPC code, and when the cashier tried to scan it, it wouldn't read. So I said, "Hey, if it doesn't scan, it must be free!"

Imagine my astonishment that she did not fall to the floor laughing at my marvelous quip! I mean, it was a comic masterpiece! But all she did was close her eyes for a moment, then type the code into the register!

I have never been so insulted in my life! I am the King of Comedy, and this peasant refused to laugh! For shame! I demand that you fire her and replace her with some good little sycophants who know when they're supposed to laugh for their betters! If you don't, I'll make my next comedy routine about your crummy store.

Hack Neyd-Jokes

03-05-2016, 09:06 AM
Dear Mr. Neyd-Jokes,

That joke you made is very common and has lost it's sense of humor. Therefore, your request is denied and we don't want to hear any bad jokes about our store.


S. E. Rious
Store Manager

Dear Sorority President,

Where do you get off making me use a toothbrush to clean the bathroom? Don't you realize it takes forever? I demand you give me proper equipment from now on. If you don't, I will put purple dye into your shampoo and conditioner.


P. L. Edge

03-07-2016, 12:51 AM
Dear Miss Edge,

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. But luckily for you, it could actually have been a lot worse. A girl got killed doing a stunt for a sorority at this school, and now that the investigation is complete, I am banning all sororities from this campus. So I'm sorry, but in return, now you can focus on your schooling. Have a great time on my newly safer campus.


Lisa Eileen Arning,

School principal.


Dear Better Consumer Bereau,

Until quite recently, I was unaware that there was such a place, where employees and managers could send reports, so that the BCB could provide reviews on business patrons who commit grave abuses with the hopes of stopping abuses and encouraging business clients to self-regulate.

For instance, I saw on your website that you have all sorts of people under all sorts of files. The bad check writers, the scam artists, the underage drinkers & the ID-free buyers, the drive and dash gas people, the dine and dashers, the stores are free babysitters people, the return abusers, and a whole host of others.

Well, much to my own disgust, I discovered that I was in one of those lists! Me, Mister Bill Kerr! It's disgusting! How dare I be on a list like this, let alone for something I didn't do.

It was not me at all who dolled up an old, worthless computer over A-Bay and sold it to someone as a brand new model. That wasn't me at all! A-Bay was biased and took the shopper's side without even asking me. Nor was it me that was involved in the other seven transactions that came up disputed! It had to have been someone hacking into my account and using my name!

So I'm suing A-Bay, and finding out that some worker on A-Bay sent a report about me to you is only going to make me add more damages to my lawsuit against them!

By the way, for revealing my name and the things I did . . . I mean, didn't do but was wrongfully accused of, I'm suing you, too! Ten million should suffice, along with the total depletion of your database. But could you send me a copy first so I can protect myself from ot . . . er, from scam artists?

Thanks and have a lousy day,

Mr. Bill Kerr.

03-08-2016, 04:05 AM
Dear Mr. Kerr,

You're on the list because you were reported for doing these things. Therefore, I would suggest getting a lawyer so this can get straightened out.


O. P. Tions

Dear Art Museum Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested! All I did was go into the rooms that had paintings of people with no clothes on and paint over the offensive areas! I demand you drop the charges at once! If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you display offensive paintings!


Mrs. Coveritup

03-14-2016, 10:26 PM
Dear Mrs. Coveritup

You defaced classic art. Do you have any idea how expensive those paintings were? And you ruined them! And don't bother with Facebook. Art has been scandalizing the world of the limited-minded for centuries. Remind me to explain to you why The Birth of Venus was such a shock in its day.


Miss Blackie White.

Art Museum Manager.


Dear Cougar Prowl Nature Meet Website,

I was told that your website was the place to meet cougars, and as I am quite a fan of older women with lots of money and a hankering for younger men like me, I was naturally drawn to your site.

So I go there, and start up a conversation with a gorgeous-sounding profile. She has a picture of a saucy lynx as her avatar, and when I ask her to send me a picture of her naked self, she sends me a full picture of that lynx, with a leash in her mouth, but no leash or collar around her neck.

"The leash is for you," she said, "so you can't get away."

She said the best things to me. Stuff like, "I love a man with a lot of meat on his bones. How I just love the thrill of the hunt. You sound good enough to eat."

So we agree to meet at the national park, and lo and behold, what do I see? Not a woman, not my cougar, but the lynx. She has a leash and tries to put it on me. And she hunts me. I was so afraid for my life! She tried to kill me! I only escaped when I got to my car and drove off.

I demand a full refund, free service for the rest of my life, and that you really check your profiles out thoroughly. You should warn people that when they come here to meet a wildcat, that they don't actually end up meeting with a wildcat. And I want ten million dollars for my psychological trauma! I've had to go to therapy, twice. Plus, the cat actually clawed me between my legs, saying she'd probably done all humanity a big favor. I expect to be compensated for that, too!

If you don't, I'll get a gun, meet every woman on your site, and shoot them all until I am totally sure that your site is free of actual cats. Then I'll shoot each member of your staff until you pay me the money I demand.


Mr. Dud Knott Understand.

03-25-2016, 10:39 AM
Dear Mr. Understand,

Our site involves real live cougars and you're lucky to be alive after what happened. However, we are banning you from the site with no refund and we are pressing charges due to your threats.


W. Ildanimal
Site Owner

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off having me arrested? All I did was call 911 because there was only one register open which is illegal. I demand you have all of the registers open from now on. If you don't, I will call 911 again, the police, the fire department, and report you for having one register open.


Shopping Queen

03-30-2016, 12:31 AM
Dear Ms. Queen,

Our legal team has told us that having only one register open is perfectly legal. Having only one register open helps keep our costs down since 2 AM is not a popular time to shop. Also, calling 911 because you don't like how we run our store is considered misuse of the 911 system. Misusing the 911 system can cause delays in responses in actual emergencies.

If the district attorney decides to prosecute, we have no say in the matter.


Heath Barr, Store Manager, Heath Groceries


Dear Lab Zero,

How dare you include these characters? The only women you need to include are young, skinny, scantly clad, white women with big boobs. Most of the women are all covered up so I can't see anything. The only women that are scantly clad are not acceptable. Phoebe is a fat :censored: slob. Thorani is a :censored: :censored:. Yan is a :censored: with no arms. What can she :censored: do, flop around on the ground like a :censored: fish? You shouldn't glorify :censored: like Zahra. Don't get me :censored: started on Leilani or Nuna or Ajna.

I have a problem with some of the men, too. We don't need to see :censored: like Kaldi or Antoine. I'll bet you're going to make Ren into a :censored: :censored:. You made him look like a :censored: woman.

I demand that you fix all of these :censored: problems, or me and my friends will come down to your :censored: studio and burn that :censored: to the :censored: ground, so this piece of :censored: game doesn't get :censored: published.


David Duke

(Out of game: This is the game I'm talking about (https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/indivisible-rpg-from-the-creators-of-skullgirls#/). Good news is that it looks like a very good game filled with creativity. :D Bad news is that it's scheduled for late 2017. :cry:)

04-05-2016, 01:23 PM
Dear Mr. Duke,

We appreciate any suggestions for improvement but we don't tolerate threats. Therefore, we have sent your letter to the police.


Dee Signer
Lab Zero Manager

Dear Library Manager,

You had no right to kick my friends and I out. All we were doing was laughing and having fun conversations with each other. I demand you allow us back in and allow us to be as loud as we want. If you don't, my friends and I will post on Facebook that you force everyone to be quiet.


Miss Funandloud

04-16-2016, 07:03 PM
Dear Miss Funandloud,

This is a library. Other people are trying to read, and they can't concentrate with you and your friends yelling, shrieking and racing through the place knocking books off the shelves. Go ahead and make your Facebook post; everyone in the civilized world already knows that you are supposed to be quiet in a library. Everyone except you lot, but I'd hardly call you civilized.

You have been banned from the library, and the security tapes have been saved. If you come back again, you will be arrested.

Cy Lence, head librarian
Cityville Public Library


Dear Clothing Store manager,

I had a problem with some shirt of yours making me itch. So I brought it back and showed the salesgirl. She had the nerve to scream at me because the shirt had never been washed and was full of body lice.

What's the big deal? I don't bathe or wash my clothes, it's a waste of money, they just get dirty again later. And they're just little old bugs, if they don't bother me, why should they bother anyone else?

I demand a lifetime supply of shirts that don't itch, and for you to retrain that girl, teach her some manners.

Phil Theey-Slob

04-17-2016, 05:04 PM
Dear Mr. Theey-Slob,

You should know better! Cindy, my poor salesgirl, was traumatized! Forget retraining, she'll need therapy for weeks!

You were in our store for so long that I had to call the Lioness pest control, and the Wonder Women cleaning companies to get rid of everything you spread around. My store was out of commission for an entire day.

So not only are you banned from my store, but you're also going to be sent the bill for both companies, and I'm calling adult protective to see if they'll check up on you, as you are obviously insane.


Mr. Tren D,
Owner of Pristine Boutique.


Dear Chocoland Confections,

I went to your business to buy myself a bundle of your chocolate goodness. You people put chocolate on just about anything, and I love it! So I bought ten pounds of your chocolate-covered coffee, your chocolate-coated grapes, chocolated avocado, and my favorite, the chocolate-soaked macadamia nuts. Naturally, I asked for your diet chocolate, which I found out afterwards is made with xylitol and dusted with nutmeg.

Well, having ordered ten pounds of the stuff, much as I love it, I couldn't eat it all. So I put half of what I didn't eat away, and then, because he kept giving me the sad puppy dog eyes, I gave the other half to my dog. He ate it with relish.

Well, I went to work, and when I come home, I find my house a mess and my dog dead! So I used the Internet and found out that chocolate, grapes, avocado, macadamia nuts, xylitol, and nutmeg are all toxic to dogs.

You should have warning labels on your food! I demand a million dollars, free chocolate for life, a new dog, and the cleaning fees to get rid of all my dog's various body fluids!

If you won't give me what I demand, I will come into your store and inject cyanide into all of your chocolate-covered foods. Then we'll see what kind of service you lazy, careless dog-killers give!


Mr. Knott My-Responsibility.

04-21-2016, 09:50 AM
Dear Mr. My-Responsibility,

You were responsible for checking to see which foods your dog wasn't able to eat. Therefore, you won't receive anything except a ban from our store.


C. A. Utious

Dear Talent Show Head Judge,

Where do you get off not letting me win? All I did was perform while wearing my swimsuit. I demand you give me a 1st place trophy. If you don't, I will do my next performance wearing nothing.


Miss Soreloser

04-21-2016, 04:45 PM
Dear Miss Soreloser,

It doesn't matter what you were wearing. You could've performed in a burka, and your off-key, tone-deaf and out-of-sync rendition of "Feelings" would still have made the judges sick.

Enclosed is a business card from a voice teacher who has been known to help even the most hopeless singers. Give him a try before you try out for us again. And for heaven's sake, pick a better song next time!

Mezza Soprano,
Head Judge,
All-State Talent Show

* * * * *

Dear Mezza Soprano,

What were you thinking, sending that tin-eared, no-talent Miss Soreloser to me? Her vocalization -- I hesitate to call it singing -- shattered every window in my studio! Then she tried to seduce me by stripping down to her underwear! And she's even worse to look at than she is to listen to!

Please do not give my business card to anyone unless they have some chance of getting better. Oh, and you owe me for new windows.

Count Tertenor,
Singers' Studio

05-03-2016, 12:42 PM
Dear Mr. Tertenor,

I'm very sorry with your experience with Miss Soreloser and I'll try to be more careful in the future. As for the windows, my staff and I have decided to do a fundraiser in order to raise money to replace the window.


Mezza Soprano
Head Judge

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where does your rude front end manager get off telling me to work? Doesn't she realize that I'm 16 and that I'm only scheduled to just show up and do what I want? I demand you tell her to mind her own business and let me do whatever I want. If you don't, I'll tell my parents that I work with mean people and they'll have everyone I want fired and replaced by people that let me do what I want.


S. P. Oiledrichgirl

05-16-2016, 12:36 AM
Dear Miss Oiledrichgirl

Where do you get off assuming that a job is playtime? You were hired to do a job, and we don't care how rich your parents are. If they want to buy the store and let you play instead of work, that's their problem. But we are glad we fired you. The poor person who replaced you is only 15, but is glad to work because her family is really poor and her paycheck helps them buy groceries, as does her employee discount. We've got a real treasure with her and I, personally, intend to give her a good raise real soon if she keeps up the great work.

Goodbye and good riddance,


Mrs. Ann Dustrious,

Owner of Target Wall Store, where we sell everything except Kool-Aid.

Dear Invasive-Chain Burgers,

I was in your restaurant yesterday, and I saw a homeless person who had a drink and was getting a refill from your fountain look at me before he lowered his head and returned to his table with his laptop. He didn't speak to me or try to come near me. But he did look at me, and . . . yuck! I don't think it was a lecherous, salacious, or even interested look, but just because I'm a beautiful person and sporting my brand new leather jacket doesn't give those kind of people the right to look at me, let alone sully my dining experience with their presence. We got rid of them in most places, including several other Invasive-Chain Burgers. You can get rid of them here, too.

So I went to the manager and demanded he get rid of the homeless person here. The homeless person protested to the manager that he was alone in the corner, not bothering anyone, just using the wifi, and had managed to raise enough money to purchase the drink. He also added that it's wrong to throw people out into the pouring rain unless they've done something terrible. But I held firm and demanded that this homeless person be removed, so the manager told him to go. He was unhappy, but packed up his things and left. And I ate in peace.

But the next thing I know, a stylish, rich foreign woman with a bunch of friends calls the homeless person and the manager over to her and invites him to her table, then tells him that, no matter what he orders, lunch is on her. When the manager tries to stop her, she makes a counter-argument with the manager and shows him a wad of cash including several hundreds. Then she tells the homeless person, and her fellow dinner companions that she's going to take them, including the homeless person, to eat at your competitor across town. Then they all leave.

Your manager caves, virtually begs for the rich woman's business, but it's too late, and she takes her entire entourage, including the homeless person, out. So your manager turns on me and tells me that I am the one who'll have to leave because I cost him at least a hundred dollars worth of business.

Of all the nerve! I've never been so mad! I slapped the manager and kicked the mop bucket over on my way out, leaving a watery mess that's spreading like a rumor and a bad idea.

I demand free meals for life, that the manager be fired, and that a notice be put up that homeless people are banned and can't have food bought for them here! They've been pretty much exiled from every other place in town. I want them exiled from here, too! I don't care if it's storming. They have no right to go around looking and smelling so bad!

If you don't meet my demands, I happen to know the mayor personally, as he's a relation of mine, and I will have your particular business shut down and replaced by a more consumer-friendly one who'll do what I want.


Miss Cate R. Toomhe.

05-24-2016, 10:02 AM
Dear Miss Toomhe,

That homeless man wasn't causing trouble and you caused the restaurant to lose business. Therefore, you are banned and we will allow the homeless man to return if he chooses.


F. Astfood

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off hiring defective people? I got checked out by a lady with Asperger's and the bagger was deaf. I demand you fire all defective people and only hire normal people from now on. If you don't, I will take my business to a store that won't hire defective people.


D. I. Scriminate

06-06-2016, 11:07 PM
Dear Mr. Scriminate,

Where do you get off calling anyone else defective? The girl with Asperger's may have some difficulty relating to people emotionally, but she's the most organized and precise cashier I've got. She's a real treasure once you understand her way of doing things. And my most experienced bagger has been with us for almost a decade. I wouldn't trade them for a dozen of you! So please, feel free to take your business to other stores that don't hire people with challenges, provided you can find one since there are such things as anti-discrimination laws for hiring.

Angrily yours,

Ms. Dootha Rightthing, Supermarket Manager,


Dear Monopoland Hotel Chain,

I stayed at your Boardwalk Tophat Hotel last night, and let me say that I am absolutely flabbergasted by what I had to put up with. To begin with, the bill was two thousand dollars! How dare you drive me to bankruptcy because I couldn't pay such a grossly inflated bill? And I was only one away from payday. Your manager wouldn't even accept my "Get out of rent free" card!

So what if I went out and mortgaged myself to the hilt to go on a buying spree? I just had to monopolize the yellow side of the street, and I felt it was well worth risking all that I had to trade. Now I've had to sell my house!

And what's this now that I find out I'm being charged by Boardwalk Tophat Hotel extra money because I brought my horse into my room with me, and they claim he made a mess. He couldn't have. He was only in there for twelve hours, and all I did was give him hay and water. Now they claim he relieved himself on the floor, kicked out the window, lies, lies, and nothing but lies!

Come on, take a chance and roll the dice. Let me ride off into the sunset and I promise, we'll own the whole town together!

I demand immunity! Complete and total immunity, from both Boardwalk Tophat and Park Place Tophat! And if I don't get it, I'll make you go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred! After that, I'll have you assessed for street repairs! Then I'll run you out of town on a railroad! And then, after that, I'll come in with an army of horsemen straight from Mongolia, and fill your whole hotel with them!

Or you could just let me ride off into the sunset, free of all charge and granted permanent immunity. I'm sure you'll find that much, much fairer for the both of us.

Signed, Mr. Buck Colt.

06-13-2016, 08:58 AM
Dear Mr. Colt,

We had to charge a pet fee and your horse did what we said he did. Enclosed is the address to the homeless shelter and the number for a financial advisor so you can get some help with your bill.


M. Oneybag

Dear Dating Service Owner,

My teenage daughter went on your site to get a blind date. However, when the young man showed up, my daughter was offended that her blind date was not blind. I demand you make sure that all of the people planning to be blind dates are actually blind. If you don't, I will sue your website for false advertising.


Mrs. Literal

07-16-2016, 11:50 PM
Dear Mrs. Literal,

We don't promise that people on our service are blind. However, if your daughter wants to be literal, she could go out on a duck hunting date. When she and her date are hidden in a bunker, that could be her blind date.


Eros Amour


Dear S&M Shipping,

I called your company to grab my package. When the driver showed up, I saw that she was cute. I told her that I wanted to tie her to my furniture, but she refused. I reminded her what her company's name was, but she still refused. At least she was good at grabbing my package and inserting it in the back of her truck.

I can't believe that a company called S&M Shipping would hire workers who refuse S&M. Your driver should be punished.


E. Edward Grey

Lace Neil Singer
07-19-2016, 10:55 PM
Dear Mr Grey,

I'm sorry to hear about your problem, but I'm afraid it's not up to us to solve it. So I have contacted the police about your sexual harrassment of my girlfriend, and I expect that they will take steps to fix you. PS You are also banned from ever using our company again.

Yours, Ms Owner.


Dear British Airways manager,

I want to make a serious complaint about your staff, who had the nerve to throw myself and my daughter Precious off a flight. She was only being curious, the way that children are, when she entered the cockpit. You obviously don't have children yourself, or you'd understand this. I demand that you sack all your child hating staff and hire new ones who are parents, and give me a voucher for infinate free flights, or I will slag you off on Facebook.

Yours, Mrs Iva Spoiltkid.

07-20-2016, 03:38 AM
Dear Mrs. Spoiltkid,

You and your daughter entered a restricted area. Only employees piloting the plane are allowed in the cockpit. Also, I have children myself and I've taught them to stay out of resticted areas which they do. You requests are denied.


R. Ulefollower

Dear Department Store Manager,

I went over to a checkout that had a light off and the rude checker told me that she was closed. I know she was lying since she was currently serving a customer. She just didn't want to serve me because I'm black. I demand you fire this racist checker or I will sue your store for discrimination.


Ray C. Card

07-20-2016, 04:47 PM
Dear Mr. Card,

Isn't it kind of odd to cry racism, which actually is still a real problem but gets minimized by people like you who throw it around to get their way, against a cashier who herself an African-American? But she was working ten minutes overtime because her relief was late.

You can sue if you want, but you're not going to succeed. However, we do have selfish checkouts for people like you to use as you please. The problem is that the selfish checkouts reject selfish behavior. They're meant to correct problem shoppers. Enjoy using them.


Mr. F. Air,

Castle Department Store Manager.


Dear Urban Guerilla Armaments,

I went to your store because I was sick and tired of being wronged. After my friends teamed up with a boy to become a big hit and left me and my best friend, Yvonne A. Beethastarr, behind in obscurity, I'd been so mad that I just didn't know what to do with myself. Well, Yvonne and I finally got back into the music business, becoming experts in demolition rock. Not a stage that we're on that doesn't get blasted to smithereens. God, it's such fun.

The fun doesn't even stop when it's over because Yvonne and I love to go out and drink, and when we do, we get wild. It's how we come up with our greatest ideas, by drinking ourselves to the limit and seeing what we can do to top ourselves for the next show. We even practice it in our hotel rooms to make sure we get it right.

Anyway, for our last show, no matter how much we drank, we just could not come up with a real topper. There wasn't anything we could think of. So as I was driving us home, I saw your store and stopped inside. Admittedly, the lights were off, but to my delight, the door was unlocked, so in I went. Yvonne was completely asleep in the car, and so I thought I'd surprise her.

As I went into your store, I picked up several sticks of absolutely dynamite dynamite, a cute grenade disguised as a lemon, and a fake gun and the bullets for it. Oh, what a thrill the audience will get when I point the fake gun at it, and fire. On with the show! You don't have any cashiers there, so I drop a fifty dollar bill beside your register and go back to the car with my things. That surely ought to be enough.

When Yvonne is both awake and free of her headache, I surprise her with this stuff and my plans for it, and she agrees. She decides to invite our former friend, Julie, who betrayed us and helped our former friends, so we can really scare her. Surprisingly, Julie tells us that she's too busy with her classes, as she's entered college to become a musicologist and music historian, to attend our show. Yvonne calls her a scaredy cat and tells her that she's going to miss the dynamite dynamite. Julie counters that that's something worth missing.

We begin the show, only to be relieved of our dynamite by security. Someone, probably that louse, Julie, tipped the security off that we had it. That's the second time she's screwed us over by spoiling our fun. We'll never forgive her for what she did to us at Bandemonium. And what did she get for that? Erick and the Banshees, our former band now making it big, write and perform Thank you, Julie! Oh well, never mind.

I had the good sense to hide one of the sticks, and the fake gun, inside of a drum, so they didn't catch it, and since the grenade looks like a lemon, the guards didn't confiscate it. And the show went on. It was a big hit, but the audience began to get bored because they wanted us to destroy something.

So I lit up the stick of dynamite and put it inside of a gigantic foam man. It blew up, spraying foam everywhere, and the audience loved it. So while they were distracted and Yvonne kept singing, I pulled out the gun and the grenade.

I pointed the gun at the audience and gave my commands, and then shot and fired. But that wasn't a fake gun after all. Half the audience ended up dead before I dropped the gun.

Then things got worse, because when I dropped the gun, I also dropped the grenade and so it rolled, but the pin snagged on the gun and came off. After that, Yvonne unknowingly stepped on it, and there's no more Yvonne.

I'm left screaming, and before I can do anything else, the audience has mostly fled and the police have captured me.

Now I'm in jail and there's talk I'm going to face the chair! I don't want that! I don't deserve that! This is all your fault! Convincing people that they need to arm themselves to the hilt so they can be ready for anything!

I demand that you pay for my attorney, give me a billion dollars, help me get a record contract, and get me out of jail! If you don't, I have a few sticks of dynamite left at home that I was saving for the next show, and my brother will gladly get it and blow your business to bits! After he robs your till, that is. And then we'll go on social media and put all the blame for this where it belongs - on your store. You see, my brother will do anything I say because he knows that I know he's a thief at his job, and that if I tell his boss, his days at the bank he works for are all over. So I keep my mouth shut in return for him doing whatever I ask of him. It works out well.

So do yourself a favor. Give me money and get me out of here, or else!


Donna Lotta Badthings.

07-26-2016, 12:36 AM
Dear Ms. Badthings,

Pardon the pun, but sending us your letter will end up blowing up in your face. Admittedly, we did leave the door unlock, but even if you entered, you still trespassed and stole our inventory. Stealing our inventory is a violation of federal laws. We do not sell fake guns.

If your brother is Don Badthings, he may not be able to help you out. Not only did we alert the authorities about the location of the missing payload, we found out that your brother has been indicted on embezzlement charges. Since the embezzlement charges involves a bank, those are violations on federal law, too.

We will not help you. We will, however, help the prosecutor involved with your case. Give Satan my regards.


Smith Wesson


Dear Mudvayne,

I came across your video of "Happy?" I thought that it would be a fun song to play at my party. When I started playing it, I heard the most angry sounds coming from my speakers.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to incite our youth into rioting. If you get enough youths to destroy our cities, your masters will swoop in and take over. I will find evidence of your destructive agenda. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

07-29-2016, 02:44 AM
Dear Mr. Noid,

If youths riot, it's on them. All we do is write and create music.



Dear Gas Station Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring my wife Virginia? All she did was light up a cigarette during the interview because you were asking her ridiculous questions. I demand you hire her and allow her to smoke all she wants. If you don't, my wife and I will smoke at the gas pumps every time we come to buy gas from you.


Winston Newport

07-29-2016, 05:00 AM
Mr. Newport:

Your wife has been fired by two of my nieces for her outrageously reckless handling of her addiction to smoking. I'm really quite surprised she's not STILL dealing with legal issues from the daycare incident.

I have no desire to have my station explode or burn down, and I flatly refuse to deal with the walking liability lawsuit she would be as an employee.

Enclosed please find a copy of the restraining order you and your wife have by now been served with. Setting foot on my property will result in IMMEDIATE arrest, especially since the station is next door to the police station, and I'm on quite good terms with nearly everyone who works there (the others, I just don't know well yet).

N. Otto Happening
Owner, Friendly Gas Station


You jerks!

How dare you make me obey my contract and actually PAY BACK the loan I took out? I have better uses for that money, like partying and shopping.


Princess Precious (that's what Mom and Dad call me, it MUST be true!)

07-30-2016, 05:29 AM
Dear Miss Precious,

Your contract states that you need to pay back the money we lent you. If you don't, we will take legal action against you so I would suggest getting a lawyer.


Bill Pay
Loan Manager

Dear State Court Judge,

Where do you get off sending me to a mental institution? All I did was attempt to jump out of my bedroom window because my best friend was just killed in a car accident. I demand you reverse your decision and give me a bottle of painkillers so I can join my friend. If you don't, I will go on the roof at the institution and jump off.


Wanda Endmylife

07-31-2016, 03:23 PM
Dear Ms. Endmylife,

The judge has informed us about your letter. The judges job is to determine if a person is a danger to herself or others. Thankfully, you survived your attempt. We have intentionally made it difficult for patients to have access to the roof for that reason. We will make sure you continue to take your antidepressants. We do not want to release you until you are no longer a threat to yourself.


Dr. Jung Masters, Chief Physician, Cape Fear Institution for Mental Health


Dear H. P. Lovecraft,

2016 is terrible. I decided that the only thing left was to call on Cthulhu to put an end to this farce once and for all. When I read your books and did all the incantations, nothing happened. Where is Cthulhu? Why isn't he ending things?

I demand that you either summon Chulhu or give me my money back.


Wednesday Munster

08-01-2016, 12:19 AM
Dear Ms. Munster,

First of all, congratulations on your marriage. I always thought you and Eddie would make a nice couple.

Secondly, sorry to disappoint you, but Cthulu is fictional. My stories are entirely fictional.

Third, whilst I agree that 2016 isn't turning out very well, destroying the world isn't the answer. Everybody's got to try to make it a much better place to live. This side of existence is even worse than yours, so don't be in a hurry to join me.

Best regards,
H. P. Lovecraft

* * *

Dear Belle's Boutique owner,

I can't believe your employees! The minute I came in the door, one said, "Welcome to Belle's Boutique! How may I help you?" I told her I was just looking and she backed off. Twenty minutes later, another employee asked if she could be of service. What, can't a body shop in peace?!

I demand that you retrain your employees to ignore and not bother the customers! I don't shop to interact with the teeming masses!

Ann T. Social

08-03-2016, 06:11 AM
Dear Ms. Social,

We train our employees on customer service so they can help customers. If you don't like that, feel free to shop online.

Isabelle Boutique

Dear Driving Center Manager,

Where do you get off telling me I failed my driving test? All I did was ignore the stop signs, speed through the red lights, run the car into a building, and park on the sidewalk. I demand you give me a drivers license and allow me to drive however I want. If you don't, I will make a drivers license on my computer and drive my parents' extra car whenever I want.


Miss Reckless

08-03-2016, 09:13 AM
Dear Miss Reckless,

If you can't drive safely, then you just plain can't drive. We're going to improve everyone else's safety by denying you a license. But we are going to send you a free vehicle that matches your abilities - a tricycle. By the way, we've sent a warning to the police about your intentions to forge a license, and there's a man who lurks around to rescue poor innocent cars from drivers who like to make fakes. Ta ta.


Mr. N. O. Way.

Driving Center Manager.


Dear You Will Learn Academy,

I wish to complain about your teacher, Dr. Shielder. She's completely mean to my son! Firstly, she gives him bad grades and has tried to bother me and my wife several times because she says he's not doing his work. What does she mean by that? My son says that he pays good money to the smartest girl in class, Hilda, to do his work for him. I couldn't be more proud. But Dr. Shielder says that when she noticed how many times my homework looked almost word for word like Hilda's, she talked to her and Hilda confessed to it all, saying my son forced her to do it. Of all the nerve. Just because Hilda's in a wheelchair and she claims my son threatened to push her down the ramp at a high speed if she wouldn't take his money to do his work. Slander! Now Dr. Shielder says my son's work is no good and he'll have to do it all over again, by himself.
And I'm furious that Dr. Shielder recommended suspending my son to the principal because she caught him, or so she claimed, bullying and beating up the scruffy, loathsome kid from the poor side of town who only got in because of some bleeding heart scholarship program. A waste of perfectly good money, educating the riff-raff. Have they no public schools? Have they no workhouses?
Last but not least, and I fully expect that you fire Dr. Shielder over this one; she confiscated my son's expensive phone! I paid a bundle for that! She told my wife over the phone that it was because my son wouldn't quit using it in class, texting rather than studying for the history exam like the other kids, because he insisted on playing music on it loudly, and, the reason she confiscated it in the first place, because he played Pokemon Go on it and walked, not just out of class, but into the street. She claims he would have been killed if she hadn't noticed him leaving the classroom and followed him, snatching him from the road just in time to save him from an oncoming freight truck!

I will have no excuses! I want this woman fired, my son automatically given the best grades, straight A+, Hilda to have to do his work for him, get rid of that poor moocher, and most importantly of all, give his cell phone back. Plus, you will refund every dime I spent on this school and a trillion dollars in damages for my son's emotional distress and my own, at being bothered by this teacher.

If you won't do what I command, I will hire private investigators who follow, examine, and humiliate Dr. Shielder and your entire faculty. Every little error, flaw, blunder, and mistake will become public knowledge on social media, and grounds for a lawsuit. And if that doesn't work, since I own a contracting company and have access to the equipment, I will sent a team of my men with a bulldozer to level your sorry excuse for a school to the ground in the middle of the day!

So if you know what's good for you, you'll fire that woman and make my son the practical prince of your school. And you'll give me a list of all the students and faculty so I can decide who will stay and who is to be tossed out.

Furiously yours,

Mr. X. Ample.

08-03-2016, 09:48 PM
Dear Mr. X. Ample,

You may hire all the investigators you want, but every classroom and hallway is set up with video surveillance, and we have more than ample video evidence of your son's misbehavior.

Dr. Shielder is a fine teacher. She has a PhD in Education from Stanford University, is the mother of five outstanding citizens and has been teaching in our school for twenty years. Yours is the first complaint we have ever received about her; in fact, we have twenty years' worth of letters from satisfied parents and happy students praising her teaching skills.

Furthermore, the families of Hilda Wheelwright, Charlie Bucket and a dozen other students your son has bullied will be joining forces in a lawsuit against you and your son. We will be supplying the aforementioned video evidence to the plaintiffs. Hope you have a good lawyer.

In conclusion, may I recommend Shipshape Military Academy as a future school for your son? It is a first rate academy, guaranteed to take the worst troublemakers and turn them into decent human beings.

Will Learn, principal and founder,
You Will Learn Academy

* * *

Dear Fros-T Mart,

I've been your customer for twenty years, and today I go in to buy a soda and found you bandits have raised the price by fifteen cents. That's highway robbery! How dare you rip the public off like that! Shame!

You bring your sodas back down to 75¢ or I'll go to the media and tell them how you're ripping everyone off!

Mrs. Penny Pinching-Cheapskate

08-05-2016, 10:31 AM
Dear Mrs. Pinching-Cheapskate,

I am afraid to tell you that the price had to go up. Literally, my hand trembles as I write this letter to you. But I had no choice. Eventually, all costs go up. It is just a part of life. I'd kept them as low as I could for as long as I could, but with the prices of everything going up all around me, I had to raise the cost just a little per soda. If I did not, I might not be able to stay in business! Then what would you do?

I cannot stop you from going on to social media, but I would implore you to consider that the cost for that is going up, too. Or haven't you notice why your power bill is higher this month than it was last month for the same amount of power? At least, that's how my power bill seems to be here at Fros-T Mart.


Ms. Call D. S. Ice.

Owner of Fros-T Mart.


Constellation Mechanic Planetarium,

A twenty-five year-old girl in my college mythology class was having her birthday, and wanted to have it at your planetarium. Since you had something special going on anyway due to there being comets that were coming close to Planet Earth but were only going to harmlessly burn up in our atmosphere due to their small size, it seemed a win-win to combine the events. And the girl, Cassie O. Pia, invited her entire classroom to the planetarium party.

Well, everything is fine at the planetarium, first at the show and then at the birthday party in the planetarium's diner. Everyone had a wonderful time, except for me . . .

Your tour guide for the show, Sol, claimed I ran through the entire planetarium like a little brat and did not stop, despite being repeatedly told to slow down, until I crashed into an armillary sphere and destroyed it! I protest. That sphere was in my way and caused me to hurt my leg and stomach! I was in pain throughout the whole show.

Still, I tried to grin and bear it as we all walked into the room Sol led us to. He turned off the lights, turned on computers, and up above us was the entire solar system, moving around the sun. But he got it wrong! Yeah, we saw Mars and Venus and whatnot, but where was Dagobah? Where was Dantooine? What about Hoth? Endor? You didn't even have Tatooine! How can you not have Tatooine?

Sol pointed out all sorts of things, but I couldn't hear what because someone just kept talking over him, wanting to know where all the missing planets were and why he wasn't talking about Wookies and such. So why did Cassie demand I leave midway through it? Something about me talking too much about utter nonsense and that most of the class preferred to hear Sol talk us through what were seeing at the comet show. Then Beverly chimed in that I needed to learn to keep my hands to myself and that she did not approve of being grabbed from behind in a dark room.
Cassie said I should wait in the diner and everyone would meet back there when the show was over. Next thing I know, Sol starts the whole show over again without me!

It takes forever for them to get out and come to the diner, where I'm waiting for them. So in revenge, I open all Cassie's birthday presents, pick the best ones for myself and hide them in my car, and then rewrap all the lousy ones. It's only fair.

Except that, as Cassie is given her gifts from our professor and the rest of the students, including me, the professor notices something is wrong with his gift - it isn't what he gave her. He's sure of it. And several other people start grousing about how there's something wrong with the gifts. By the time the discussion starts getting heated, I stroll back to my car silently.

So why is everyone in the class treating me like a jerk? The professor won't even answer me when I want to ask him a question. Cassie avoids me like the plague, and when I tried to ask Beverly out a date, she slapped me in the face and told me she has a boyfriend and that she wouldn't go out with me if I were in a bag and she was dropping me into a dumpster!

And I'm banned from your planetarium as well!

This is outrageous! I demand a full refund on the money I paid, since I didn't get to see the show. And I demand money for my medical bills, not that I actually went to the hospital or anything after that unsafely put sphere got in my way!
And I want you to give me a free party on my birthday, inviting everyone but Cassie and replacing Sol with someone much nicer and prettier. Speaking of prettier, I want you to make Beverly date me.

If you won't, guess who's going to get slapped with a lawsuit for placing armillary spheres in people's way and for having inadequate security at your in-house diner? Besides, you have yet to include any of the planets I mentioned in your shows, have you? Honestly, everyone should sue you for complete and total misrepresentation.


Mr. Baethan Boor.

08-08-2016, 06:24 AM
Dear Mr. Boor,

The planets you mentioned do not exist and you caused lots of physical and emotional damage. Therefore, you requests are denied and the ban stays in place.


P. L. Anet

Dear Sewing Store Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off telling you that she can't stay late? Doesn't she realize that her refusing to stay late makes the whole store look bad? I demand you force employees to stay late when needed or fire them. If you don't, I will sue the store.


Mrs. Loyalcustomer

08-29-2016, 10:54 PM
Dear Mrs. Loyalcustomer,

You tried to enter our store after closing. Our employees need to get back to their families.


Sew Cotton


Dear Animal Control,

How dare you ignore my complaints against my neighbors? I walked by their house and see a bobcat looking back at me. I decided to call you since I don't want a dangerous animal in my neighborhood.

After the agent left their house empty handed, I confronted the agent. He muttered something about "Maine Coon." I don't care if that bobcat came from Maine, I want it out of my neighborhood before it gets loose and eats my dog.


Stacey German-Shepherd

08-30-2016, 03:06 AM
Dear Ms. Shepherd,

I am the agent who investigated your claim. The feline in question is a Maine Coon Cat (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maine_Coon), a domestic cat. They do tend to be rather large, with fluffy fur that makes them look larger. But they are 100% domestic cat, and that cat belongs to your neighbors, and is a real sweetheart as well; he kept nuzzling my hands and purring loudly.

You might try making friends with your neighbors and their cat; they really are lovely folks.

Russ Sianblue
Animal Control

* * * * *

Dear Bigbox Store,

It's still August, why do you have Halloween merchandise out? And it's horrifying! I went to the shampoo aisle and walked past a witch, actually stirring a cauldron and cackling loudly. Naturally I screamed, as she was quite frightening.

Your manager had the gall to tell me to calm down, telling me it was only an animatronic device and I was scaring the other customers. Well, you scared me!

I demand $1,000,000 compensation for my pain and suffering, and for you to take down that foolish stuff and don't put it back up until Halloween itself!

Lily Livered-Coward

09-01-2016, 11:35 AM
Dear Ms. Coward,

Customers have been requesting Halloween stuff earlier in the year so they don't have to wait until the last minute. As for your demands: denied.


Olive Halloween

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went through the checkout and your rude checker had the nerve to ask me for a donation. Just so you know, donations are illegal since they go to charities that have scammers that hog all of the money for themselves. I demand you tell your employees to stop asking for donations at once. If you don't, I will hack into your system, take the money that was for donations out of the register, and post on Facebook that I will refund everyone that did a donation at your store.


Ann T. Donation

09-01-2016, 01:34 PM
Dear Miss Donation,

Some charities do have fraud involved, but most of them don't. And donations are strictly voluntary. I could tell my employees to stop asking for donations, but I think I'd rather tell you that it's a very unwise idea to threaten to hack into my computer system and threaten theft, even if you do imagine yourself to be some kind of donation money Robin Hood. How would you even know who to refund the money to?

So in closing, you are banned and the police have been notified.


Miss Charity Fund,

Precise Supermarket Manager.


Dear Connections Cable Company,

I have a friend named Sharon Fairly. She lives in the same apartment complex I do and is a paying subscriber to your service. Well, I happen to have a signal splitter and used it to share her cable, because of a special event that I just had to see. You know what I'm talking about, the live broadcast of the promo concert for Rida Cule & The Correctors, and their new hit album, Shatter the Rock, where in they correct the biggest hits. I mean, you know it's good just from hearing the clips Rida and her band sings. Rock and Roll's Just Noise Pollution, I Love Myself For Hating You, Don't Start Believing, He Can't Give No Satisfaction, Feels Like the Worst Time, and so forth.

Well, I couldn't afford the album, and I certainly couldn't afford the expensive ticket to go see the show, so I used a signal splitter to borrow Sharon's cable so that I could watch the concert on my own television.

Trouble was, while I got the concert to come onto my television, the signal on my television got weak. It was awful and it ruined the concert for me, but I was trying to make the best of it as the screen and sound flickered. Suddenly, Sharon calls me up on the phone in the middle of the concert to tell me that the cable company just called her about a signal splitter, and have tracked it to my house! So she has to remove the signal splitter, and she does, instantly cutting me off in the middle of the concert! Just because I didn't ask her permission. She shares with everyone in the apartment complex. Why should she get so hot and bothered about sharing her cable with me, just for one . . . night. Yes, just for one night.

You ruined the concert for me! How could you? How will I ever get to enjoy the music? I'm outraged!

I demand a lifetime of free cable from your company, as well as a full apology to me. And I also want a million dollars and a free dvd of the concert! Or else, could you get Rida and her band to come play at my house? That'd be great.

If you won't, I will go around cutting the wires to your service everywhere I can find it so nobody can use your services! If I can't have you, no one can!


Miss Mimi Anne Mia Lone.

09-03-2016, 11:45 AM
Dear Miss Lone,

You need permission to use a signal splitter to access someone's cable which you did not have. Therefore, your requests are denied and if you cut our service wires, the police will be contacted.


C. Able

Dear Music Store Manager,

I came to return an opened DVD because I didn't like the movie and your rude employee told me that I could only exchange it for the same title if it was defective. When she refused the return, I shoved a nearby display to the ground and then started throwing items while screaming at the top of my lungs until your rude security escorted me out. I demand you fire the rude employee and your security guards and refund me for any DVDs I don't like. If you don't, I will come to your store wearing nothing.


Mrs. Tantrum

10-05-2016, 10:16 AM
Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

It's against store policy to return opened DVDs and enclosed is a bill for the damage you caused. You are banned until the bill is fully paid and you will be arrested if you show up wearing nothing.


N. Otemaker

Dear Bank Manager,

You had no right to fire me and have me arrested! All I did was enter the invoices for amounts divisible by $100, cash the remaining amount, and put it in my purse. I demand you drop the charges and give me my job back. If you don't, I will smash both your inside and outside windows with a sledgehammer.


E. M. Bezzler

10-06-2016, 02:29 PM
Dear E. M. Bezzler:

What you've done is, in fact, against the law. Go ahead and smash the windows if you want additional charges filed. To make up for the money you've stolen, we've withheld your last paycheck, too. The police will be contacting you.


B. Ank President


Dear Store Owner:

I am a highly sophisticated individual who does not appreciate your establishment, and what you sell. I made the mistake of entering your store a week ago. What sort of establishment are you running!? I couldn't believe the people I saw in there! They had these strange accents, where they dropped the "g" off of the ends of many words, and used what appeared to be some low form of English. They did not seem intelligent at all! They appear to be what I've come to know as the "Redneck". I've never seen individuals like this, and I am appalled and disgusted by them. They obviously don't know how to dress properly or listen to the right kinds of music the right way either! Your establishment is also highly inappropriate. What is this "camouflage" stuff, anyway, and why are you selling so much of it? And who actually drinks domestic beer made by big corporations? Everybody knows that people should only drink microbrew beer or imported beer, but only if it's imported from a country that my friends and I think produces acceptable beer!

I cannot believe that you banned me from your establishment! All I did was ridicule the morons in there who aren't as cool as I am. Especially with the weird, non-cool clothes they were wearing! And I can't help it your beer is horrible! That's why I had to start breaking all of the bottles and damaging the cans! Your beer selection is disgusting! You should thank me!

I demand that you let me come into your store whenever I want and teach the people who go there how to dress and how to talk! Otherwise, I will spread rumors about you to my social circle and to all of my online associates.

Not Respectfully,

Hipster D. Ouchebro

10-11-2016, 06:53 AM
Dear Mr. Ouchebro,

Our locals happens to enjoy the merchandise I sell and this is how we speak in Brooklyn. Since you are banned, I hope to never see you again.

W. Elcometobrooklyn

Dear Comic Book Regional Manager,

You had no right to fire me just because I made my employees do all the work and I did none because my job is to only tell my employees what to do. Don't you also realize that managers can't be fired? I demand my job back immediately with a $2000 check every month in addition to my weekly paycheck. If you don't, I will call the police and report you for firing me since firing managers is illegal.


Ida Manager

10-11-2016, 08:56 PM
Dear Miss Manager,

You were in breach of contract, and therefore we were able to find a loophole to fire you with. You had received your severance pay. You can report us to the police if you like, but it's not going to get you anywhere you'd like to be, since we've found evidence of theft.


Mr. Com Petent,

Cosmic Books Regional Manager.


Dear Cryptonite Cookies,

Everyone knows that your cookies are so addictive that nobody walks away with eating just one. They're everybody's weakness.

Well, at your place, for the big comic book festival around the block from your establishment, your assistant manager sponsored a Wonderful Woman look alike contest, judged by the actress who first played her on television. Whomever most looked like Wonderful Woman would be the winner. And so I entered, as did about a dozen other ladies.

It was fantastic, and we were all looked at by the men, who dressed up in superhero costumes. That is, we all were except for one fat woman who looked awful in her Wonderful Woman costume. She couldn't possibly win, especially since everyone agreed I was the most beautiful lady in the room and that my costume was the best. Her costume looked horrid on her, not that her body wasn't exact revolting enough. I even told her, as did a couple of the other women, that she was too ugly to look at. Some of the other women argued with us that, maybe she wasn't beautiful, but she had as much right to compete as anyone. Only then did we learn she was not competing.

The actress herself went up to her and asked her if she was really not competing, and she said she was not, just that she was wearing the costume because her nephew asked her to come with him to the festival so he could go, and you had to be in costume to go to the festival.

It was at that point that one of the men in a superhero costume told the actress that he knew that woman. At the festival, she had saved a boy from choking while his parents paid no attention. He also knew that she had helped him when he had a homeless period in his life, as she was a volunteer there. On top of that, she worked with a program teaching children to read on weekends.

After spending her time with the rest of us, the actress made her choice. She decided that the fat woman was the winner, because, and I quote the actress, "I dare say that while all of you have the looks, none of you have the spirit of Wonderful Woman. She was at her best when she was not flashy, but helping in subtle ways. And no one here better exemplifies the soul of Wonderful Woman better than her."

As the fat woman tried to protest that she was not even in the contest at all, the actress would not hear of it and insisted on giving her the award, to the delight of the man in the superhero costume and the woman's nephew, who arrived later.

The rest of us were divided. Half of us were angry with the actress because we did our best to look perfect. I'd even primped for a solid week! The other half decided that the actress was right and congratulated the fat woman. Eventually, it all calmed down.

But I did not. How dare that actress stiff me like that? I ran after the fat woman, trying to take her award and her crown, throwing cutlery at her to get her to slow down. The next thing I know, the actress deflects the cutlery, protects the fat woman, and wrestles me to the ground.

"You miss the whole point, don't you?" she asked me. "I know exactly what to do with you." And before I know it, she's stripped off my Wonderful Woman costume and replaced it with a Bratwoman costume. Then she ties me up. Everyone applauds, and she says "I thank you all. This was a great show." And then she looks at me and whispers in my ear. "At least, it better have been a show, punk."

Nobody ever unties me. Instead, the actress takes the woman and the nephew out for the afternoon, much to everyone's surprise.

I demand a million dollars in compensation, that the actress be forced to give me the crown and the award, and an apology, and that I be given a movie deal. And if I don't get it, I'll just emulate Bratwoman. After all, she almost took over the country if it hadn't been for Wonderful Woman. Why can't I?


Miss Fahirrys Foul.