View Full Version : The Customer Complaint Letter Game

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10-14-2016, 05:59 AM
Dear Miss Foul,

The actress made the right decision and you won't be getting any awards or money. However, we are having auditions for Bratwoman if you want to try out.


W. Onderful

Dear Orchestra Manager,

Where do you get off rejecting me? All I did was play my violin as loud as possible. I demand you let me join. If you don't, I will show up at your next performance wearing nothing and run back and forth across the stage.


Mrs. Violin

10-17-2016, 04:01 PM
Dear Mrs. Violin:

Yes, we rejected you. I'm happy that you correctly identified the instrument as a "violin", and yes you were "playing" it loudly. But it sounds to me like it's the very first time you've ever picked up a violin. So no, we will not let you join our esteemed Orchestra.

As to wearing nothing and running across the stage: We are an orchestra, not a comedy show. And "streaking" is illegal in most places. Doing so will get you introduced to some nice individuals in blue. They have these pretty silver bracelets.

So your empty threats mean nothing to myself or my orchestra.

We hope to not see you at our future performances.

F. Inemusic.
Orchestra Manager


Dear Football Team Owner:

Your coach sucks! I can't believe we lost the most recent game to the City Mascots! If I were coach, the team would have won that game easily! I have been coaching Pee Wee football for 10 years, and I have never, ever lost a game, so I know what I'm talking about!

Because I am a winner and your coach is not, you need to hire me as your coach and pay me $20 million a year! Yes, your coach is a former State Champion, NCAA National Champion, and 2 time Super Bowl winner, but he sucks as a coach, and I've never played football above High School, I still know what I'm talking about, and your coach is still a loser!

If you don't hire me, I will break into the practice facility and I will steal all the footballs, and replace them with Nerf footballs. Then I will tell BigSportsNetwork that your coach is a terrible coach because you're not practicing with real footballs!

Do the right thing!

W. Annabe Coach
10-time Pee-Wee League Champion

10-22-2016, 10:58 AM
Dear Mr. Coach,

You coach a team of children and these are a team of adults. If you break into our facility, we will press charges.

Al Waysafirsttime

Dear Office Manager,

Where do you get off allowing employees to talk on the phone in their native language during lunch/break time? I can't understand what they're saying. I demand you tell these employees to speak English only. If you don't, I will come to the office wearing nothing for two weeks.


Wanda Eavesdrop

10-24-2016, 09:41 AM
Dear Ms. Eavesdrop,

Where do you get off trying to listen in on other people's conversations? I can't understand what you think I can do about my employees on their lunch breaks and their off hours. And since you dress so skimpily, if you did wear nothing, we'd never know the difference.


Mr. Pry Vassy,

Office Manager

Dear Aquamarine Beach Resorts,

We went to your resort with our children, only to have child protective services take our son away! All we did was get on the beach and spend all of our time together being intimate. We're married. We have the right to be romantic all the time. Why shouldn't our son have chance to play at the ocean, and we to have our lovemaking time. Apparently, some busybody Brit seized our son from the water and brought him to the lifeguard.

She interrupted our passionate kissing by screaming at us. That lunatic was livid with us because she claimed she saved our child while she was fishing on her boat, because he had started to feel too hot and decided to swim, only to swim past the marker and get caught in a rip tide. "He would have drowned if I hadn't felt a strong compulsion for fried fish that day, not to mention the beginning symptoms of heat stroke."

Then she, the lifeguard, and the cops all gathered around us. Next thing my wife and I know, our kid is being taken, first to the hospital, then into protective custody. And we're being sent to jail for reckless endangerment and negligence!

We demand our child be returned and full compensation made! Give us a full refund for our trip! Plus an extra billion dollars for our pain and suffering! If you don't give us everything we demand, we're going to invite all the kids from our church's youth group and flood your beach with those kids.


Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts.

10-24-2016, 05:45 PM
Dear Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts,

It was a good thing that the woman in the boat came by. Your son almost drowned as you were busy making more babies. Not only will your children become wards of the court, but we will pursue criminal charges.


Ree Fresh, Police Chief


Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

Yesterday, a customer commented on how the cashier was pregnant. She said that she was hoping to give birth to a velociraptor.

I know what you're up to. Your book store is a front for human-dinosaur experimentations. I will find irrefutable proof of your unethical behavior. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

10-26-2016, 07:57 AM
Dear Mr. Noid,

Ever heard of exaggeration? Enclosed is the definition.


Rita Book

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off suspending me? All I did was publish the school bully's report card in the school newspaper. I demand you lift the suspension immediately. If you don't, I will write a report that you used to shoplift as a teenager and publish it on Facebook.


Wanda Bea Reporter

10-29-2016, 11:35 PM
Dear Miss Reporter,

We will deal with the bully our way. As for publishing his report card, that is a violation of federal laws. Also, since I was never charged with shoplifting, you could be suspended or expelled for libel, which is also a violation of the law.


Principal Principle


Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

My wife, Cousen Annie Rection, decided that we needed to shop at your book store.

We were looking in the adult fiction section when we heard over the PA system, "S&M to strip. S&M to strip."

Cousen decided that the announcement was referring to me, since we were beginning our journey into BDSM. As I was taking off my shirt, Officer Johnson showed up and asked me what I was doing. I told him about the announcement, and he told me that that is not what you meant. When Officer Johnson was able to get a hold of a manager, the manager told us that the announcement wasn't meant for us. That's when Officer Johnson told us that we should probably go home before I strip.

I believe that you need to retrain your staff and managers before they use the PA system again.


Hugh G. Rection

10-30-2016, 05:53 AM
Dear Mr. Rection,

Thanks for bringing this to our attention. We are working on fixing this as we speak.


Megan Itright

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off removing the self checkouts? I've been using them in order to shoplift. I demand you reinstall the self checkouts at once. If you don't, I will start smoking in the store.


Anita Steel

11-11-2016, 08:21 AM
Dear Mrs. Steel,

I see you've learned nothing from the arrest of your husband, Will Steel. He's the very reason we got rid of the self-checkouts. If you smoke in our building, we'll use our fire extinguisher to stop you. You are banned.


Artie Choke-Onitt,



Dear Sarah Micks Art & Whimsy Store,

Your store, in addition to being a world-class art supply shop, runs classes on art after hours. My wife enrolled my son into your class a few weeks back, thinking it'd be a good thing to keep him off the streets by filling up his afternoon with classes.

But then my son decides to drop the athletics I've enrolled him in, claiming he's not any good at them anyway and prefers art classes. I'm furious, but my wife tells me that she's seen how badly he's treated by his teammates and so if I won't let him leave the sports teams, she will.

Only now it's turned around to bite us in the you know where, because I caught my son talking to his younger brother, who is content to remain on his sports teams, that he means to make and sell pots. Pot! I asked him where he learned about pots and he said from you. Then he said something about making a sculpture about his favorite heroine . . . Heroin! Miss Micks, what kind of woman are you? Teaching children about drugs? Somebody needs to do something about you!

I'm going to go straight to the police, after I get out my good old retired baseball bat and bash you and every single piece of sculpture in your store! Then I'll use your own paints and markers to write on you, and all your walls, that you're teaching kids about drugs!


Mr. G. U. Esswrong.

11-12-2016, 09:31 AM
Dear Mr. Esswrong,

The pots being mentioned are the kind you cook with or put things in and a heroine is a female hero. I've already reported you to the police for threating me.


Sarah Micks

Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

Where do you get off being out of mocha? Don't you realize it's illegal to be out of things? I was steamed so I threw a coffee mug at your barista and stormed out. I demand you keep all required items stocked at all times, like my mocha, or I will throw all of your ceramics all over the floor.


Moe Cha

Lace Neil Singer
11-12-2016, 03:52 PM
Dear Moe Cha,

Sometimes we are out of things, and it is beyond our control. Regarding the mocha, along with the sugar and the creamer, our delivery lorry could not make it to the store due to the ten inches of snow that fell a few days ago. We manage to stay open only cuz my wife and myself live above the shop, and most people are nothing but grateful. You however will not be returning to the coffee shop, as you are now barred. Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,

Mr C. O. Fee.


Dear Mall Manager,

I am beyond disgusted at your staff for calling security and having me thrown out of the mall for doing nothing except breastfeeding my child. He is ten years old, and was acting out, so I decided to sit on a bench and give him some milk to calm him down. I stripped off all my clothes, cuz I feel the most comfortable doing so while feeding, so I really don't know why everyone felt they had to complain. Nudity and breastfeeding are perfectly natural, after all. If you do not send me a massive gift voucher to compensate for my distress, I will get all my friends to boycott your store and will personally go to the media.


Ms Rainbow Granola.

11-14-2016, 02:03 PM
Dear Ms. Granola,

Defecation is also perfectly natural. Would you like me to do that on your kitchen table? I didn't think so. Nudity is against the law.

A ten-year-old child is much too old to breastfeed. Since you were thrown out at 11:30 AM on Wednesday, I have to ask, why wasn't he in school? Truancy is also against the law.

Your letter and our report have been forwarded to the police. Expect a visit from them soon.

O. Bey-Laws, manager,
City Mall

* * *

Deer poleece sargent,

How dare you put me in prizon? I have a lawfool rite to expres myself! I was jest spray painting swostickas on my dam naybors house. Well, he dusurves it, the dam librul commeynist! And next think I know, the poleece are aresting me!

I no my rites! Ok, I never red them, but I no I have them! I demand you releese me and bull dose my naybors house! Rites are only for Amerikkkans!

Ray Cist-Jerk

11-14-2016, 04:25 PM
Dear Mr. Cist-Jerk:

First, you committed at least two crimes. One is vandalism, the other is trespassing. Racism is not illegal, but you painted the Swastikas backward, too, you moron. You have failed us as Americans. Your arrest stands, and I hope your conviction is swift and severe. You cannot commit crimes because you disagree with someone's political stance.


Captain Friendly,

Local PD


Dear Adult Toy and Movie Store:

What sort of scam are you running!?!? Based on the name of your establishment, I thought you were an art gallery! I went in, and there were a lot of disgusting, horrible things there!

Why do you have these horrible, disgusting movies? I don't understand why a movie about entering a woman's house through her back door has do do with a skimpy outfit and a rider's crop! Is that some sort of Avant Garde thing I don't understand?

You even had a movie called "Trampoline Tramps"! At first I thought it was about clowns jumping on trampolines. Boy was I wrong! Another was called "Festive Facials"! I thought it was a movie about having fun doing makeup! I was VERY wrong...

I took a closer look at one, and I was even more disgusted because the people were having sex!! What sort of strange movie is that?!?! Sex should be done in private, missionary style only, under the covers, in a marital bed! Any other way is disgusting!

But I am now traumatized because I went into your store thinking it was an art gallery! I demand you bulldoze your facility, pay me a billion dollars, and burn all the disgusting paraphernalia in your store!

If you don't, I will sneak into your facility and replace all of those disgusting movies with documentaries and Disney movies. Then I will steal all of the disgusting paraphernalia, set it all on fire, gather up the ashes, and bury them!

With No Respect,

A. Pearl Clutcher

11-14-2016, 07:42 PM
Dear Mr. Clutcher,

I don't know how you thought we were an art gallery since our sign says we're a romance shop. We help couples with their romantic relations. Not everyone enjoys straight vanilla sex. Some people enjoy sex that is not the missionary position. We cater to every adult.

Since we are open 24/7, it will be difficult to sneak in and steal all of our movies. If you try, we will have you prosecuted.


Heidi Flynt, owner, Cupid Eros Romance Shop


Dear Dominant Females Society of America,

I have an issue with an article on your website.

The article suggests that I have my partner lick my :censored:. I went down to the animal shelter and adopted two kittens. When I got home, I had my husband, Hugh G. Rection, lick the kittens. The kittens enjoyed it, but I didn't feel a thing.

Are we doing something wrong?


Cousen Annie Rection

11-14-2016, 09:29 PM
Ms. Rection:

YES, you are indeed doing something wrong! Did your partner look at you strangely when you asked him to lick kittens? There's probably a reason for that. And there's a reason you didn't feel anything.

When the article said to have your partner lick your :censored: , it didn't mean a feline that belonged to you! There are other meanings of the word :censored:, one of which is a slang term for female genetalia...maybe try that.


Slang N. Former
Website Editor
Dominant Females Society of America


Dear Gears -N- Stuff Auto Parts:

How dare you hire a WOMAN! What do women know about auto parts and cars anyway? I went into your auto parts store the other day because I needed a part for my car. Like a real man I do my own auto repairs. Men who don't are wusses!

I saw a WOMAN employee in Gears -N- Stuff giving advice to people about cars! She should be at home tending to her house! Not trying to help men with something she should have no business doing! Barefoot and Pregnant, I say!

I was so disgusted I had to go to Parts-N-More down the street!

I demand you fire that woman immediately! She's a woman, she obviously can't know about cars!

If you don't, I will tell everyone in town that you give out bad auto parts advice, and you will go out of business!


M. Isogynist

11-14-2016, 10:57 PM
Dear Mr. Isogynist,

We are all women here at this auto parts store. And you know why? Because we decided that we were tired of people like you looking down on us. Of course, we do have a man on the staff. Our receptionist.

As for cars, each of us women is a specialist in cars, some of us even college graduates in mechanical device-oriented areas.

And by the way, we're making so much money here that we've entered negotiations to buy Parts-N-More and add it to our chain!

We won't give you anything but a ban - and a free subscription, on us, to Riveting Rosie's. We're not afraid of you. We've fought our way up here, and you're not dragging us back! So why don't you go home and be barefoot and tend to your children for a change?


Ms. Camille Shaft & Ms. Billie T. Steel,


Gears -N- Stuff Auto Parts.


Dear Seer's Appliance & Outdoor partial department store,

I went to your business, and at first, I was pleased as punch. Not only did your helpful employees already anticipate my every need, and question, they had exactly what I wanted to buy ready and waiting for me. I didn't even need to give them my address for the delivery of my new refrigerator unit, only be there when they arrived.
And they arrived with the delivery at the exact minute they said they'd come!

But they also told me that I should forget about committing return fraud, because I'd be discovered and no good would come of it, at least not for me. How dare they?

Well, I had not only purchased my new refrigerator, I also purchased a The Craft tool kit for my boyfriend. It was brand new and in perfect condition, as where his tools from Harbor Fright and had a tendency to break or warp after a few uses. So I gladly bought him the The Craft tool kit at Seers, and he was delighted . . . until he saw the bill. Naturally, I returned the tools to get my money back.
But your girl at customer service, Cassandra, told me without even looking that I was trying to scam her by returning tools Seers didn't even sell, and that they were shoddy out of the gate.
I protested and before I could call for a manager, she picked up the phone and a manager appeared on the spot before she could finish dailing, as if he knew Cassandra was going to call.

They took my tools and opened them, revealing them to be Harbor Fright. I refused to yield their point, and attempted to smack the manager with a warped wrench. Before I could draw it, Cassandra hit a button and down I fell through a false floor into a snake pit.

It turned out they were non-venomous, tiny snakes that wanted nothing to do with me and couldn't hurt me if they wanted to, but I had to actually find my own way out!

Now I'm suing for emotional distress, pain and suffering, and all the store credit my boyfriend and I could ever want, even up to half your store. I could use a new microwave to replace the one I used to dry out my soaked tin foil hat . . .

If you refuse, I'm going to come into your store and hide snakes in the boxes of every single piece of merchandise you sell. Only these snakes are going to be the poisonous, nasty kind! I'm sure you people can just imagine what'll happen to your precious store then!

Angrily yours,

Miss Honorisa Virtue Ilack.

11-18-2016, 09:02 AM
Dear Miss Ilack,

We only accept returns for items that we sell. If you follow through on your threat, we'll have you arrested.


A. P. Pliance

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was show up at the interview with no clothes on. I demand you hire me and allow me to work without clothes all I want. If you don't, I will sue the store for discriminating against those who don't want to wear clothes.


Mrs. Natural

11-18-2016, 05:54 PM
Dear Mrs. Natural,

I'm afraid that nudity is against the law. The health department will not let us have any nude people in our store. If you want a job, I suggest putting on clothes.


Gene Bartlett, The Happy Pear Grocery Store


Dear Happy Pear Grocery Store,

I was at your store when I saw her. A woman walked out of your store, naked as a jaybird.

I know what you're up to. You're letting naked people walk in your store. You're trying to turn our youth into a generation of perverts. I will find irrefutable proof of your evil intent. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

P.S.: Quit using my good name to advance your perverted agenda.

11-23-2016, 09:41 AM
Dear Mr. Noid,

For once, you're right. You have every right to be disgusted, as were we, because that wasn't a grocery store . . .

But as I've already explained to you, other things are allowed to have the name of pear because it's spelled differently than your name is, and a name isn't something you can really own. However, thanks to you sending your newest letter, we've been able to find you. Your new girlfriend is Nurse Y's sister. Oh, you didn't know? Well, by the time you get this letter, you'll understand. And welcome back home.


Your old friend and therapist at the asylum you keep escaping from, Dr. X.


Dear Ring-Side T. V.,

I was invited to participate on one of your television shows the other, day, "It's All Your Fault!" Well, naturally I assumed it was my great audition so I looked my best, though I didn't want the show beforehand so I would be surprised and could act completely natural.

Well, everything seemed great until after I was all dolled up and make beautiful by your makeup girl. Then I came out to wait backstage, and saw the contestant before me.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to our next contestant, Miss Ann Safe-Wheeler!" As the crowd cheered, a beautiful young woman finally put away her cell phone and came up to the stage. But after being interviewed, she was asked, "Miss Safe-Wheeler, do you know why you're on this show today?"
"No," she replied.
"Because of this!" the host cheerfully added. Then he pulled back a curtain to review a video taken by someone on the street. "As you can see, Miss Safe-Wheeler was using her car, and her cell phone, at the same time!"
And then there's a crash on the video - a car crash into a lamppost, that is. She gets out of the car, in the video, and calls her parents.
"Daddy, I just crashed the Mercedes . . ."
Miss Safe-Wheeler looks shocked, and the host turns to the audience chipperly.
"Well, everybody, what do you think? Is she innocent and thus given a million dollars, or is she to blame for the car crash?"
Rising to their feet, almost everyone in the audience points at Miss Ann Safe-Wheeler and shouted, "It's all your fault!"
And she runs from the stage, crying, the loser of the game.

So your host, Mr. X. Posure, calls me up next. I walk out, far, far more confidently. I have my interview and I am determined to charm the audience. I schmooze, and make the audience love me. Even Mr. Posure seems to be on my side, rooting for me.
"So do you want to confess and take your chances with the audience forgiving you and accepting one thousand dollars, or do you want to take your chances with the video and let the audience see your big misdeed for themselves so they can judge you? Remember, if the audience votes to exonerate you, you get a million dollars. But if they vote against you, all you get is to be told "It's All Your Fault!".
I gladly challenge the audience by choosing the video.

Here's where things go badly for me. At The Only Store In Town Supercenter, corporate demanded, and the manager gleefully obeyed, with the rearrangement of a store display of bottled Christmas wine to look like a Christmas tree. They even put up lights around the wine tree, and tinsel and garlands and fake presents.
Well, some sickening little an hourly employee comes up to the manager after his lunch break is over as the manager's doing this.
"Sir, we shouldn't have wine stacked this way. It's going to fall over especially if it becomes unbalanced . . ." the employee warned.
"You shut up and do your work!" the manager barked. "You're our only cashier for our busy rush. The other managers and I are far too busy doing what corporate demanded of us to pay attention to the likes of you and the other three or four people working here."
He dismissed the worker, who returned to the cash registers. Later, the cashier caught the janitor and asked her to put up a sign begging people not to leave the tree unbalanced, and certainly not to take the cornerstone bottles down at the bottom.
Well, the janitor put up the sign. That's when the video shows me coming in.

Now, I admit, I went through a bad experience where wine fell all over me and I demanded the employees be punished, because I got cut up and soaked, at the Only Store In Town Supercenter. The manager gave me everything under the moon, and, of course, fired the janitor and the cashier for allowing an unsafe display, while I got gift cards up the wazoo.

But the cashier had had the good sense to set up a hidden cellphone camera where the tree was going to be and kept it recording. So it caught everything from the corporate parasite's edict to the part I protest about! He must have altered and edited that footage because it shows me reaching under the wooden board that was used to keep the false presents on and grabbing two bottles of wine from the floor. It shows me pushing the sign not to snatch bottles from the bottom because they're the cornerstones and essential to keeping the whole display up off to the side so I can grab two bottles right from the bottom!

Then the wine falls down all over me, getting me cut, making a glassy and winey mess everywhere! And I go crying to the manager. The more I claim innocence and to be a victim, blaming it all on the staff, the more the manager saves himself by turning the blame onto the cashier and the janitor. The last shots are me walking out with half the store in my cart, for free, and of the cashier taking the phone he had hidden and recorded all of this on.
"I'll have my revenge on you both by sending this video straight to "It's All Your Fault!" he vows, and the video ends.

"And he did just that, with us giving him a bundle of money that'll more than make up for the loss of his job. Well, everybody, it's clear. While the airheads in corporate and management put the wine in a very dangerous place, a sign was put up by the more sensible underlings. And she saw the sign. Otherwise, it couldn't have been pushed out of her way.
"So has she defrauded the store by demanding two innocent people's jobs and walking out with half the store for free, or should corporate take the blame?"

After the audience debated, with the thirty-second timer ticking, I did my best to look innocent and beautiful. Finally a woman stood up.
"She knew what would happen if she took those bottles of wine from the bottom and she did it anyway. Then she got the store's spineless manager to give her virtually everything. The only thing she should get from us is condemned!"
And with that, the audience all stood up, pointed at me, and shouted "It's all your fault!"
So Mr. X. Posure tells me that he is sorry, but I am to blame for what I did and that he must send me off as an even bigger loser than Miss Safe-Wheeler because the audience decided against me.

Well, I am absolutely furious! I am agog! I am aghast! Not only was I not given the grand prize, but no one in Hollywood has responded to my calls. I've called every single studio in regards to my big debut, and they all turned me down as if I had the plague!

So, Ring-Side T. V., if you don't give me the big prize, the million dollars, and make me a movie star, I will come into your own studios and make my own movies, erasing every roll of film you have and replacing them of me!


Miss Grabby Handz.

11-23-2016, 11:41 AM
I don't have a response, except to say that I think "It's All Your Fault" is a brilliant idea for a show...


11-25-2016, 11:45 AM
Dear Ms. Handz,

The audience was right about it being your fault. Therefore, all you'll get is a bill for the damage and you are banned from the store until it's all paid off.


Nota T. Fault
Show Creator

Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to arrest my husband and I. All we were doing was making love with no clothes on in the lingerie department. I demand you drop the charges and allow us to make love wherever and whenever we want. If you don't, we will go to the security office, undress, and make love in front of the security office door.


Mrs. Lovemaker

11-27-2016, 07:13 AM
Dear Mrs. Lovemaker,

We at Lovey's Department Store would like to apologize for the fact that you, and your husband, our store's owner, were arrested.
But even we lowly workers do not want to see the store's owner and his wife doing the dirty in the lingerie department. We'd suggest you really change the kind of store you're running if you want to act like that.
While admittedly, it was a dream come true to be able to call the cops on my boss, it is still a sad shame that you two have such low standards for yourselves but such overly high standards for us, your workers.
Go to the security office, undress, and make love if you want to, Mrs. Lovemaker, but please do it when the store is closed and all of us have gone home so no one will bother you.


Mr. P. R. Ude,
Hopefully still manager, Lovey's Department Store.


Dear Glibby's Glass Plant,

I and my friends were part of a large group that had paid for one of the guided tours of your glass plant. Then your idiotic employee made the mistake of saying the words 'And it's a real chiller!' And that got me and my friends to each start tapping our toes and humming to Michelle Jackson music, as we are frequently known to do.
And so, one of us began to tap his feet. His sister, Ginger, who is not part of us but was on the tour, begged him "Fred, don't go there." But he went there, starting to dance. All the rest of us got up to dance, leaving Ginger and the rest of the people on the tour behind to watch us from the sidelines.

We danced, and though your staff seemed worried, we were all doing just fine. Until I led the others, as I am the leader of the group, in The Unsafety Dance. Everything was going fine until one of our members surprised Ginger with a victory cry, sending her backwards into a rack full of glass products. She fell down, and then one by one, we all started falling down. Now we're all cut up and angry. Then Ginger called the police, and the ambulance. She blamed her brother, and even worse, me, for starting all of this! And all your staff and the rest of the people on the tour took her side, leaving me and my dancers to be arrested!

How dare you make guided tours that expose people to broken glass? And how dare you issue us all a joint and severable bill for almost a million dollars? There's no way we're going to pay that! So we demand that you drop all charges, all medical bills, make safe tours for people, and give us free and unfettered access to your plant!

If you don't, we'll go back and perform dances from And the Banned Played On, which, as you know, features the most dangerous rock songs ever known. Someone always dies when that record is played or performed anywhere. And we'll do it in your plant, because we can! How do you think we got out of jail?


Miss Irene Careless & the Flash Dancer Mob.

12-06-2016, 11:31 PM
Dear Miss Careless,

We have warnings all over that our glass is breakable. Therefore, all you'll recieve is a permanent ban and the charges will stick.


Glibby Glass

Dear Gas Station Manager,

I came to get gas and your rude employee told me that I couldn't pump my own gas. I told him that no one but me touches my car and that the customer is always right. He had the nerve to tell me to leave so I pushed him out of the way, pumped my gas, and drove off without paying. I demand you fire this employee, give me free gas for life, or I will post on Facebook that you don't trust customers to pump their own gas.


Mrs. Fussy

12-07-2016, 12:11 AM
Dear Mrs. Fussy,

Youse gotta realize that it's the law around here that nobody is allowed to pump der own gas. Dis applies only to gasoline and E85 - if youse want to fuel your own car, we've got a couple a diesel pumps. Da one closest to da store has da small nozzle on it ('09-15 VW owners keep complainin' dey can't fill up), so it'll fit yer car.

Sincerely, Guido
Joisey Gas an' Convenience

Dear Smith's Supply Shed,

I ordered a couple of keys of coke from your company - you had a really good price - but you pulled a rip. Anyone can tell that the stuff you sent isn't coke - it's crumbly black stuff. If you don't send me what I ordered, me and my boys are going to arrange for you to sleep with the fishes.


A. Dope.

12-19-2016, 08:54 PM
Dear Mr. Dope,

The stuff we sold to you is a fuel known as coke. If you're looking for the white stuff, we do not sell illegal drugs. I seriously hope you aren't threatening me. My cousin is the country sheriff.


John Smith


Dear Dr. Foster, DVM,

I heard one of my friends say he enjoyed "Hiding the Salami," with his girlfriend. My wife and I thought this game would be fun. So, I went to the grocery to get salami. Then I hid the salami behind the couch. My wife found it easily. Then she hid it under the bed. Unfortunately, our cats found it before I could.

How can we play "Hide the Salami" without our cats eating the salami?


Hugh G. Rection.

12-28-2016, 02:26 PM
Dear Mr. Rection:

"Hiding the Salami" is a euphemism for something else. It's not a literal phrase. Salami is often a slang term for male genitalia, and in order to "hide" it, well, I'll let you figure that part out.

With Subtlety,

Dr. Foster, DVM.


Dear Rasslin' Company:

I ain't gonna pay for no more of your pay per views! I saw the bad guy Triple Z hangin' out at a bar with the good guy Y4K. They was drinkin' and talkin' and havin' themselves a good ole time!

I thought them guys really hated each other, I didn't know they's friends! But they got up and shook hands and said "See you in the next town!", like they's friends or somethin'.

You done ruined rasslin' for me!

You need to make rasslin' real again (like it was in the 1980's and 1990's). You can't let a good guy and a bad guy hang out together if they ain't rasslin'. You gotta make rasslin' real again! So I think you should give me tickets, a hotel room, and airplane tickets for life to RassleFrenzy, as well as money every year for food and them good, expensive rasslin' belts, because I'm so upset! Maybe then I'll buy more of them pay per views! You ruined rasslin' for me!


R. Ed Neckmark
Rasslin' Fan

12-29-2016, 12:37 AM
Dear Mr. Neckmark,

I absolutely plan on telling those men that they can't be friends and that they shan't meet in public unless it ends up in a televised brawl. But I need a hundred bucks to go and do that. As soon as you forward that money, I'll tell those men to curtail - (that means quit) being friendly.

I promise that I will give you the personal and best pay per views, in my opinion, for just fifty dollars a video. But you'll get inside exclusives, such as interviews and deleted scenes in the fight.

I will gladly give you tickets, for the measly processing fee of two thousand dollars, and I can certainly get you a hotel room for an additional two thousand dollars. The airplane tickets are a bit harder, but a good three grand should make that easy.

As for RassleFrenzy, if you pay me five thousand dollars for a processing fee, I can get you into the ring so that you can fight both of the men who disappointed you personally. Get your revenge and be the hero to your little, er, I mean, noble trailer park. That'd be the best way to get a belt, wouldn't it? Just think of it. And as for money, you beat both of these world-class athletes in the ring in front of the whole world, you'll have more money than your diminut - I mean, clever little mind can fathom - dream of. All it'll take is twenty grand and I can make all your dreams come true. Surely you can make that kind of money. I await your reply.

Heartfeltedly yours,

Mr. D. Frauder,
Owner of Planet-wide Wrestling Confederacy.


Dear Food In a Flash,

I am absolutely angry with your store, because when I went in last week, I saw a great big sign that said "No bills over 20.00." Well, my family and I just ordered whatever we wanted on the menu, with my frequent reassurances that the twenty dollar bill in my wallet would cover everything.

But instead of covering it, the check came out to almost a hundred dollars! How dare you? I called the manager to complain that your employee was breaking the rules, deliberately charging each member of my family personally twenty dollars and only giving my mother-in-law a little discount.

Next thing I know, my mother-in-law, who never liked me anyway and likes to call me stupid, foolish, and a waste of air, apologizes to the manager and hands him her emergency-contingency credit card to cover our meal, which it does. I was so humiliated, I barely felt like eating in the feast the rest of my family enjoyed.

My meal and my family's dining experience was ruined, and now my mother-in-law has added this whole thing into her list of excuses to henpeck my wife about marrying me and, worse yet, breeding two boys.

I demand that you make your manager and your employees obey the "No bills over 20.00" sign, that you give me a full refund for the meal, and free gift certificates for my entire family (except my mother-in-law. We don't need her.)

If you won't, I'll personally invite a couple of destructive wrestlers I happen to know to your store and get them drunk. You won't have a store left standing!


Mr. K. N. Ave.

12-29-2016, 02:00 PM
Dear Mr. Ave:

"No bills over $20" does not mean your food will cost a maximum of $20. Yes, certain things you have to pay are called "bills". But you know that paper money in your wallet? That's also called a "bill". You know the one with the 20 on it, and the guy's face on it? That is a $20 bill and the guy on it is Andrew Jackson. It has a "value" of twenty dollars. That means we won't accept anything from you larger than a twenty dollar bill. So if your bill was $45, you would have to give us two twenty dollar bills and one five dollar bill, because 20 + 20 + 5 = 45.

As far as your mother-in-law's comments, she may be on to something.

By the way, as far as inviting destructive wrestlers that you happen to know? I'm good friends with D. Frauder, who owns Planet-wide Wrestling Confederacy. So I'll be sure to pass that info on to him.

So you get nothing.


Jack Caja
Owner, Food In A Flash


Dear Dizzyney:

I know that you recently bought the rights to all of the Space Fight movies. In the past there hasn't been a lot of merchandise for these movies, but after watching them all again (including The Power Wakes Up and Outlaw One, as well as the earlier ones The Hidden Threat, The Identical Fights, and The Bad Guy Gets Even), I decided I wanted a Glowing Sword. My friend told me that there's no such thing, and that we don't have the science or the technology to make one! If these things aren't real, you shouldn't have them in movies! That's false advertising! I saw one in my local big box store the other day, but it was an obvious fake!

I also told my friend I wanted to try to see if I could use The Power. He told me he didn't think The Power was real, either!

Your company is swindling people out of money!

So I demand that you give me a refund, and give me and my family passes to go to any movie I want for the rest of our lives, as well as 50% of the profits of all of the Space Fights movies from now on!

Otherwise, I will come down to your Dizzyney Land and Dizzyney World parks and go to the Space Wars section and tell everybody that the movies are fake! Then I will go to your headquarters and start breaking all of the equipment used to make the Space Wars movies! And then I will sue for false advertising!

Fix this!!

Not Sincerely,

Gull I. Ble

12-31-2016, 05:33 AM
Dear Mr. Ble,

What the people are doing in the movies is acting and what we use is called special effects. Therefore, all you'll get is arrested if you so much as show up at our headquarters.


Walt Dizzyney

Dear Mr. Mean Doctor,

Why did you tell my mommy that she was having another baby? I'm supposed to be her's and Daddy's one and only. Make the baby go away right now. If you don't, I will run away from home.


Ida Wanda Beabigsister

01-01-2017, 06:36 PM
Dear Ida,

Your parents are having a healthy baby boy, so look at it this way: you're their only daughter.

Please don't run away from home. You're only six; you won't be able to take care of yourself, and you'll make your mommy and daddy cry. Besides, you have a very important and fun role to look forward to: you'll be the Big Sister and help your little baby brother grow up to be a good boy. I know you'll be able to do it. I've even enclosed a nice T-shirt saying "I'm the Big Sister" in sparkly pink and purple, your favorite colors, just for you.

Dr. Obie G. Wyenn

* * *

Dear calendar people,

I bought my 2016 calendar from you last year, and I want a refund! 2016 was the Worst Year Ever! I mean, it sucked so much that Dyson and Hoover are taking notes! Half of my favorite singers and actors are dead now, and it's all 2016's fault!

I demand a re-do of 2016. You make the calendar, you make it happen!

Ty Msup

Lace Neil Singer
01-02-2017, 06:38 PM
Dear Mr Msup,

I'm afraid we can't do as you wish, not having access to a time machine. Might I suggest that you contact Dr Who instead?


Awesome Calendars.


Dear petrol station manager,

Every single time I come to your petrol station, you've put the price up! It's unacceptable and I won't have it! Your employees keep saying that they have no control over the price, but it's obvious they're only saying that. I don't care that the price of oil keeps going up; put the prices down now or I will tell all my Facebook friends to boycott your store.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Anita Chilpil.

01-05-2017, 04:12 PM
Dear Mrs. Chilpil,

We cannot control the price of oil. We must adjust our prices or we go out of business.


Brian Pullman


Dear Rose and Kaori, owners of Miss Dragon's Killer Workouts,

Recently, you had an ad that had the slogan, "We'll whip you into shape." Since I started, I have lost 20 pounds. I'm pleased with the results, but I'm disappointed that neither one of you used a whip.

If neither one of you is going to use a whip, you really need to change your slogan.


Hugh G. Rection

01-05-2017, 05:46 PM
OOC: You forgot the trainers - the Dragon Ladies.

01-05-2017, 08:44 PM
it sucked so much that Dyson and Hoover are taking notes!

Off topic: I'm stealing that.

01-05-2017, 11:36 PM
Dear Mr. Rection,

Whip into shape is a euphanism. Using real whips on you is illegal.


Rose & Kaori
Owners, Miss Dragon Killer Workouts

Dear Computer Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was tell the customer that he had no right to own a computer because he was wearing messy clothes. I demand my job back at once with a raise. If you don't, I will destroy your office.


Mrs. Highclass

01-06-2017, 12:48 AM
Off-topic, but the person to whom Mrs. Highclass refused to sell a computer fits the description of half the programmers out there.

01-15-2017, 04:58 PM
Dear Mrs. Highclass,

I only hired you in the first place because someone like you needed the experience of actually working for their living instead of living off other people's money. But the lousy quality of the work you did, and your mistreatment of my customers left them all wanted to cut off your head, and I don't blame them!
Wearing refined clothing is no prerequisite for owning a computer. And since we're in an at-will state, we can fire you for any excuse. And threatening to destroy my office is not very high class of you, is it? You know what'll really be low class? To see you in jail! Show up here again, and I'll have you arrested. I will mail your final check to you.


Miss Mirabeau Lafayette,

Owner, La Revolution Store Computers, where everyone is equal.


Dear Campground Hotels,

My family went to your hotels because, while the Ritzy Place, Superb Seven, Holy Day Inn, and Snarlton were all booked solid, so that the only room we could find among the lot of them cost 100 dollars per person, your hotel only cost 5 dollars per night, and not per person, either.

So we went there, and discovered that it was a city of tents. At least we all got our own tents. But you know what we didn't get? Running water, showers, the luxurious mattresses and cotton sheets we're used to, maid service, or room service! We didn't even get a telephone by which to call anyone for room service!

So as we get there, we're expected to read a sheet of rules. My daughter reads them, but my wife, son, and I just don't care. We go into our tents to discover - sleeping bags. Sleeping bags! My wife almost fainted! We find our tents are so small that all of our luggage just won't fit, so we fill up the neighboring tents with it. We hear people, some of whom are in tattered clothing and smell like they haven't bathed in days, and a small band of normal people, screaming because the tents they rented are full of someone else's luggage. Why, it was so traumatic, it drove my wife and I to smoke and drink.
Later, we break out our expensive food.

My daughter comes in and tells us that we need to stop. The rules say that there is to be no drinking of liquor, no smoking because it's a fire hazard, no food in the tents because there's a rat problem, absolutely no sex, no violence, no . . .

We stop her right there and tear apart the list of rules, demanding she quit being such a brat. She starts to cry and my wife slaps her, which silences her. Then the rats come in and help themselves to our expensive food! It's all gone before we can eat a morsel of it!

The next thing we know, someone has gone tattling and your staff are telling us that we've broken the rules and have to go. Go where? Every hotel is full. I offer the staff a 100 dollar bill if it means the others all have to go away so we can enjoy ourselves, but the staff instead tell us we all have to get lost - except for my daughter. She obeyed the rules so she can stay, but my wife, my son, and I all had to sleep out there on the streets!

We looked horrible, we smelled horrible, we had a truly wretched night, and you're completely to blame!

We demand a billion dollars, a free tent of enormous size reserved just for us, with mattresses and 200-thread count cotton sheets, full of food and drink, and absolutely no other people around! We'll use the remaining tents to store our luggage.

If you won't give in to our demands, we'll come back at midnight and smoke and smoke, and burn your tents down!


Mr. Will. T. M. Bessile.

OOC: Being homeless, I actually sleep in a tent city that is very much like this, at least as far as the rules and conditions go. The two differences are that nobody has to pay 5 dollars to stay there, mercifully, and that nobody gets their own tent. There's a ramshackle wooden room for women, and one for couples, and a larger open area for men, but you're all under one tent. The rules, including the no eating in the sleeping area because of a rat problem, are exactly as I listed.

01-18-2017, 04:49 PM
Dear Mr. Bessile,

First of all, we are a campground, not a hotel. We let you rent a tent so that you wouldn't have to sleep outside. We also have a shower house with toilets so you wouldn't be out of running water.

We have our rules to ensure the safety of our guests. Having a fire near a tent is a fire hazard. You already know why we don't allow food near the tents. We have a picnic area available for both the fire and the food. The other tents were being used by other guests. That means you cannot use them.

As for your demands, we will not give you anything. If you want to camp with mattresses with high quality sheets, a fridge full of food, and privacy, I would suggest you buying a recreational vehicle from Greene Mountain RV.


Adam Grizzly, The Happy Tree Campground


Dear Daniels Bar & Grille,

I came into your bar the other day when I saw her. She had me banned from my favorite store when I caught her playing hooky from high school 4 years ago. She said she was a sophomore in college and worked there.

I caught her drinking alcohol in your bar. I complained to the manager. He checked her ID and said that her passport was legitimate. When I told him that it was obviously fake, he turned to this burly guy and said, "Get this crazy woman out of here.". The next thing I know, I'm outside.

I know what you're up to. Your trying to ignore the law regarding underage drinking so you can turn the next generation into lushes. My husband, Pare A. Noid, will find irrefutable proof of your illegal activities. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Aryu Anne Noid

01-20-2017, 10:05 PM
Dear Daniels Bar & Grille,

The social disease that Mr. Noid has suffered from for years has obviously spread to his wife and some members of his family, but we have taken him, her, and them away to get the proper care. Please disregard the previous letter.

Signed, Dr. X, of You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.


Dear Cable One-upmanship,

I am outraged over your the program that aired on the Kid Stuff That's Not For Kids channel. Specifically, The Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, & Lex Lucre Show. During this particular day, my ex-wife had been called in to do an extra shift for work, so she called me up and asked me to take the kids and she'd pick them up for school that next morning. She'd be working from two to midnight and felt it unfair to pick the kids up at midnight when they needed their rest. So I agreed to take our kids.
But right after she dropped them off, I was so tired after watching them for a few minutes, I just laid down for a nap and woke at five in the morning to have my ex- yelling at me!

When she came to pick my kids up for school the next morning, (my eldest son opened the door for her), she let me have it verbally. She said that not only were our three kids entirely unsupervised while I was asleep, and that they had also obviously not been given any dinner or even put to bed, but that they were acting out the awful things Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, and Lex Lucre did! They hit each other, they robbed from each other, they said words like @#$%^ and ^%!@##! One of my sons even started playing a large kitchen knife because he saw Lex Lucre doing so on the show, and if my ex-wife hadn't been there to stop him, my son would have cut himself. He told her he did it because of Lex Lucre.

When I awoke, after she quit yelling at me long enough for me to get my bearings, I wondered why my kids had black eyes, my house was a mess, and why my wallet didn't have any money when I woke up from my nap. But the kids were just sitting there, entertained by the show that follows The Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, & Lex Lucre Show, The Mesmerizer.

Now she's gone to court to forbid me from ever coming near our kids again, on the pretext that she thinks my "Inattention leaves my children exposed to too many dangers, and obviously no proper nutrition or rest." I've tried to apologize, but she won't back down.

So in my last chance to save my family, I'm writing to you. I demand that you run nothing but The Mesmerizer for twelve hours straight so kids will sit there transfixed and unable to move! I also demand that you get in touch with my ex-wife and smooth things over with her so I can be with my kids again, 'cause I do want them. Just not when I want to sleep. Plus, you can give me a trillion dollars for my troubl . . . I mean, for my kids' education funds. She'll love that. That'll make me a hero in her eyes, instead of a zero.

If you won't, I'll go to your station and replace all the shows you run with twenty-four hours of The Most Boring Show On The Planet.

Signed, Mr. Bigg-Zero.

P. S., can you tell me why my ex-, after our divorce, reclaimed her maiden name, Miss Cam Petent? What was wrong with being Mrs. Bigg-Zero?

01-22-2017, 07:25 AM
Dear Mr. Bigg-Zero,

You and your ex-wife need to handle your own problems. Also, only employees have access to our station and we will never hire you due to your threats.


C. Able

Dear Office Manager,

I came to ask about my promotion and you had the nerve to tell me that I didn't get the promotion. You made me look bad because I posted on Facebook that I was getting promoted. I demand you promote me so I don't look stupid on Facebook. If you don't, I will break into the payroll area, copy the pay rates of everyone that works in the building, and email copies to everyone.


Anita Promotion

02-05-2017, 11:20 AM
Dear Mrs. Promotion

Promote you? You only just started working for us a week ago! And because of the threats you made, you no longer work here, effective immediately.


Mr. Brick Walls,

Office Manager.


Dear Overloaded Pizza,

We all saw on the news how you just suddenly up and fired your entire staff to replace them with robots and drones.

Well, one day, I was out with my friends and saw one of your drones out there delivering a pizza. Anyway, my friends and I were hungry, and really short of cash. So I took out my computerized phone and, being quite a geek and a real genius with technology, used it to reroute the drone so that it delivered the pizza to me.

My friends and I had a wonderful time eating the pizza. We didn't leave anything left but a single piece of crust. And that's when I saw it. That pizza had both tomato sauce and alfredo sauce! I'm seriously allergic to that! How could you let me have a pizza with that stuff all over it? You should have warned me what kind of pizza I was redirecting to my house! Thank goodness I was able to make the drone forget about charging me one thin dime for the pizza before it left the pizza with me, or I'd demand a refund. It even dropped the money it carried at my feet! Am I good or what?

My friends rushed me to the hospital and called my mom, but while I'm in my sickbed being treated, two police officers storm into the room and arrest me for theft! How dare they? I'm sick, suffering a severe allergy attack from that pizza. What's wrong with them, arresting me while I'm ill? Thank goodness I'm only fifteen and won't have to face a real jail.

So I expect you people to fix this. If you won't, I'll redirect all your drones and make them give me free pizza for life, without alfredo sauce, and make them give me all the money your store has. Every day. Forever. And if that doesn't work, I'll make the drones bring me you, and I won't let you go until all charges are dropped. Don't think I can't do it, as soon as the police give me back my computerized phone or let me get parts to create a new one.


Mr. Foxy Yetun Ethical.

02-08-2017, 07:18 PM
Dear Mr. Ethical,

Thank you for showing us the bugs in the software. We have shipped all of the robots and drones back to the manufacturer for a full refund, and re-hired all of our employees instead. I guess there's something to be said for good old-fashioned manual labor, after all.

However, we will not submit to your demands. You know you are allergic to tomatoes and Alfredo sauce (dairy allergy?), you should know better than to take your chances on stealing someone's pizza. Or any food, really, since both dairy and tomatoes are very common ingredients in many foods. Be sure to tell the warden about your allergies; I don't imagine you'd want to have a reaction to the jail food.

Jenna Russ Toppings, owner
Overloaded Pizza

* * * * *

Dear Dress Boutique,

I went into your establishment looking for a beautiful size 000 dress for my lovely figure. Imagine my disgust when some whale on legs waddles over to greet me! I mean, she had to be a size 8! Revolting! So I berate her for her obesity, scold her for eating so much and demand to see a properly slim salesclerk. She walked away, so I grabbed her and slapped her, demanding that she pay attention to me while I was talking to her.

Next thing I know, mall security is dragging me out of the store and into police custody! I'm a law-abiding citizen, how dare they manhandle me like that!

I demand that you pay me a million dollars for the humiliation you caused me, and give that disgusting cow of a salesgirl stomach reduction surgery, or you'll hear from my lawyers!

Eve L. Bitch

03-08-2017, 05:30 AM
Dear Ms. Bitch,

We hire the people that do the best job and don't care how they look. Not only are your requests denied, you are banned from our store.


Bea U. Tiful

Dear Hospice Manager,

Where do you get off keeping my grandmother alive? All she does is lie in her bed and do nothing. I demand you euthanize her at once. If you don't, I will poison her meal the next time I visit.


G. R. Andmaneedstogo

03-13-2017, 01:52 PM
Dear Mr. Andmaneedstogo,

Where do you get off treating your grandmother this way?

One of our nurses, Kate, personally heard you threatening your grandmother's life while she was resting on one of our beds. The nurse informed security, and that is why our security guard threw you out and banned you from the premises.

Your grandma doesn't need to go, but you do, and we have posted an armed guard to be at her side at all times, as well as a food taster. We can't save her life, but we will do all we can to make sure your grandmother has a comfortable life and a smooth, painless transition to the other side, when her body decides it is ready. Not when you decide she is ready.

We have also turned your letter over to the police, and your grandmother's lawyer. We expect her to make a quick will change, leaving you out.


Dr. Paulie Ative, Hospice Manager.


Dear Australian Outrage Steakhouse,

Or should I say mistake house? I am absolutely livid. Do you know why? Because I went to your place with all my friends and family just last week so we could all have a good meal on a Saturday night. My friends all ate normal meals, except for my brother. He's a diabetic, but explained that from the start and had to have his meal a certain way, which he explained by writing a detailed note that he gave to our waitress, Patience.

When it came my turn to order, I kept ordering different foods. I started with nachos, but when Patience brought the nacho plate, I saw all that cheese and told her I had a dairy allergy, so she agreed to scratch it and get me something else. I chose the battered fish. When she brought the battered fish, my allergies flared up and I suddenly remembered that I'm allergic to eggs, which turned out to be part of the batter. So again, Patience let my meal go and let me order something else.

And all the while, my friends and family all finished their meals and just kept waiting for me. But every time Patience brought me a meal, it turned out to be something I couldn't have! Finally, after who knows how long of this, Patience came up with an idea that I could have - a glass of water. Water?

I was so angry that I grabbed the water and threw it at Patience. She ducked, and the water smashed into a big biker's little old aunt, whom he was taking out for dinner due to his mother being dead and him wanting to share a personal family holiday with what he called his second mother . . .

When I wake up, I'm in the hospital with a bill from your restaurant that's bigger than my hospital bill is! I demand a full refund and a free meal, using only things I am not allergic to! Ban that biker and fire Patience. Plus, I want ten million dollars.

If you won't do what I say, I will come back into your place, sneak into your kitchen, and put pollen in every dish your cooks are making!


Mr. Al Lergen

03-14-2017, 02:27 AM
Dear Mr. Lergen,

Look, mate, I sympathise about food allergies. I do. I know it's a headache trying to sort out what you can eat at a restaurant. But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it. Your brother did it the right way, with the note and directions. You, however, completely did it the wrong way, cost us an awful lot of money in food and furniture repair after Tiny got done with you.

I have forwarded copies of my letter to both the police and my attorney. You even try anything, you will be in jail and up to your ears in legal fees. Now, think about what you did and don't be such a yobbo next time.

Jill Aroo, manager
Australian Outrage Steakhouse

* * * * *

Dear Slimdown Workout Center manager,

How can I get my workout in when I'm surrounded by all these disgusting fatties?! The broad next to me must've been at least a size six, the porker! How can I keep my perfect size 000 figure when I'm too grossed out by all these heifers to work out?! So I told the blimp next to me to leave the place, as she was making me sick. Little brat apparently tattled to you, because next thing I know, I'm getting thrown out!

How dare you treat a valued customer this way? I demand compensation; ten million dollars should do nicely.

Eve L. Bitch

03-18-2017, 09:44 PM
Dear Miss Bitch,

Clearly you miss the entire point of a workout center. You're trying to lose weight? Well guess what, loud mouth, so are they! A size six who wants to be a size four is exactly where she should be; here.

But how can anyone else get their workout in when you make all those disgusting, harassing comments? and on top of all that, not content merely to throw a fit when you didn't get your way, you also threw your fists and attacked several people until Large Lucy had enough of you hitting her sister Twiggy Twila, rescued Twila by sitting on you, and smothered you.

The customers you attacked are demanding compensation. You are right, ten million dollars should do nicely. Now that we have your name and your address, they'll be able to go after you civil court and divide that ten million equally.


Miss A. F. Fronted

Manager of Slimdown Workout Center manager.


Dear Laundromatic,

I went to your business with all my clothes and was putting my clothing into the machines. Nearly all of them, as a matter of fact. I'd have used them all, but a couple of them were already in use before I got here. I was so mad that I couldn't use all the washers that I just had to empty my bladder and used one of your washing machines to do it in.

It was when I was finished that I noticed that, in one of the few washers I wasn't using, someone was washing blood off of money! Money laundering! Naturally, I found the man who was washing his money, and did my patriotic duty by attacking him.
"If you don't quit hitting me, I'm going to call the police!" he said.
"Go ahead and call the police, since laundering money is illegal!" I retorted.
It was while he and I were angering that a woman comes in and screams that whomever has filled most of the washers with Frankenstein soap had failed to read the warning label and had created sud monsters.
I had not! The box of Frankenstein soap clearly states that it is as reactive as bleach, and that if it happens to intermix with bleach, it will create sud monsters! But I am innocent! I couldn't have mixed it with bleach because I didn't put any bleach in my washing machines! I accused that woman of doing it, just to spite me.

In response, she ran away from a sud monster, and while my back was turned, so did the guy who was laundering money.
So I went to the washer where he had washed all the money, took the money, and hid from the sud monsters in the bathroom. One of the things the sud monsters did was show me, without meaning to, how to open a washer and a dryer to get all the coins out.

The others didn't come back after the sud monsters left, but I did. I couldn't remember which washers and dryers I used for my clothes, so I took everything, including all the coins from the broken machines. Then I sold the clothes that weren't mine at a garage sale.
So why did I receive a strongly-worded letter from Miss Rob Bot, manager of Laundromatic, banning me from the store for theft and breaking the machines with too much soap, unleashing sud monsters it took hours to find a way to stop, and for being a public menace. Why, I was so outraged that I hit the roof, with a hammer!

I demand a billion dollars, free laundry service for life, and the right to take anything I want out of the washers and dryers. If you won't, I will create more sud monsters, on purpose, and help them tear your machines apart. Especially since I've learned how to extract the coins from the machines. Then I will go to your home and create sud monsters there, and watch them tear it apart.


Mr. Hank Ering Moolah.

03-19-2017, 06:41 AM
Dear Mr. Moolah,

You're not getting anything but arrested if you show up her again. Find some other place to do your laundry and stick to one machine for washing and one for drying.


C. L. Othing

Dear Office Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was light up a cigarette during the interview. I demand you hire me and allow me to smoke all I want. If you don't, I will tell everyone I know that you discriminate against people who smoke.


Mrs. Smoker

04-27-2017, 05:09 AM
Dear Mrs. Smoker,

Smoking is forbidden in public buildings. If you want a job, learn where you are allowed to smoke.


P. A. Per

Dear Dental Manager,

Where do you get off using novocaine? Don't you realize that novocaine is for babies and wimps? I demand you stop using novocaine and tell those who request it to grow up. If you don't, I will break into your office after closing and dump all of your novocaine down the sink.


Mr. Tough

05-15-2017, 03:29 AM
Dear Mr. Tough,

First off, most of my patients are children, so your retort about it being for babies holds no water. Second, not using it is a fantastic way to lose all of my patients. A lot of people these days can't or won't come into the dentist until it's too late to do anything but use a drill and Novocaine!

Sincerely, K. D. Entist

Dear Radio Station Owner,

Where do Tj and the Wombat get off calling me a monster on live radio?! Just because I've been going around eating people doesn't mean I'm a monster! I played it off (and ate them too), but I am seriously unhappy! Words hurt!

I want an apology and to be allowed to eat as many people as I want without being called names!

Sincerely, Mr. Imperfect Cell

05-19-2017, 02:53 AM
Dear Mr. Cell,

I'm sorry that you were called a monster. However, you need to learn to let it roll off your back.


R. I. Veroverstone

Dear High School Principal,

You had no right to suspend me. All I did was flash the freshmen, sophomore, and junior boys and moon the freshmen, sophomore, and junior girls. I demand you reverse the suspension since I did it as part of Senior Prank Day. If you don't, I will show up at graduation wearing nothing.


Miss Moonflasher

05-29-2017, 07:12 AM
Dear Miss Moonflasher,

I'm afraid we cannot let you graduate since you were caught committing indecent exposure. You may receive your diploma once your legal issues are resolve.


Sidney Prude


Dear Raincloud Laundromat,

Last week, I walked into your laundromat to meet women converse with members of the community. When I walked up to a group of ladies, I decided I would flash show them what I was offering.

I lifted my shirt and dropped my pants, and said to them, "Hey, ladies! Does this remind you of something?"

Suddenly, this mountain of a woman stepped up to me and said, "It looks like a penis, but smaller."

Then, she viciously assaulted me, wrestled me to the floor, picked me up, and threw me out of the door. That woman left me bloodied and bruised.

I can't believe you let people like this into your laundromat. I demand that you only let pretty little delicate ladies wash their clothes and ban rhino woman. I also demand you pay my medical bills and return my clothes I left in the washing machine.


Pervin Newdman

Note: I imagine the "mountain of a woman" would have the same build as Phoebe from Indivisible (https://labzerogames.com/indiv-incarnations/#phoebe).

06-02-2017, 08:21 AM
Dear Mr. Newman,

What you did was considered indecent exposure. Therefore, your requests are denied except for returning your clothes which are being shipped to you as we speak. Also, you are banned from this laundromat. Don't come back here or you'll be arrested.


C. L. eanclothes

Dear Security Company Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was make copies of the offense reports and pass them out to various people. I demand you give me my job back. If you don't, I will hack into the security system and post all of the security codes on Facebook.


Mrs. Blabbermouth

06-22-2017, 05:24 AM
Dear Mrs. Blabbermouth,

Go For Broke Mall fired you as a customer because you snuck into the security office's building and stole information from us, then handed it out to people who have no need of it.

We are grateful that you showed us the flaws in the security system, and we have changed all of our security codes. But copies of your threats have been sent to the police. If you ever come back to Go For Broke Mall, we have orders to detain you on sight.

Disrespectfully yours,

Mr. Stead Fast,

Protection Racket Security Company Manager.


Dear Good Shepherd technology company,

My wife and I went out and bought your latest invention, the gigantic female robot which you call "The Electronic Babysitter." Well, we couldn't figure out how to program it, but my mother, who was visiting us from Great Britain, could. She ignored my wife and I and programmed The Electronic Babysitter the way she wanted.

Well, much to our severe displeasure, The Electronic Babysitter made sure our kids got to school on time, with nutritious lunches, even going so far as to wake us up making the kids get up for school, throwing out the quick lunches my wife made for our kids the night before in favor of far more complex lunches, and breakfasts, too! The Electronic Babysitter even made our daughter change the clothes my wife and I set out for her, saying that she looked indecent. Indecent! We paid a fortune for that outfit at Nearly Nude's! You are going to recompense us for that outfit, not to mention the expense of The Electronic Babysitter herself!

But the worst, the absolute worst, was just recently and that's why I'm writing you this letter. My wife was out at her part-time job, and I was just lounging in my chair. The kids come up begging to go swimming in the pool, and I tell them they can. It isn't fifteen minutes later when I'm disrupted from my video game because The Electronic Babysitter has taken it upon herself to pluck the kids out of the pool and tell them they shouldn't have gone in without me or my wife present. I mean, she even talks like my mother!

And when I tell her she's ruining my kids' fun, she tells me that my son was drowning in the deep end and that she detected this with her sensors and put herself in danger (being a robot) to rescue him. Next thing I know, she's telling me that the water has stripped her of some of her control over her limbs, and she kicks me in the ass!

Well, I disabled The Electronic Babysitter right then and there, and we're mailing her back to you along with this letter. My wife and I are so stressed out by all of this that we've gone on vacation. My mother has the kids back in Great Britain, saying that she's giving the kids their own vacation.

I demand a full refund, a replacement that will do only what I tell her, or better yet, him, to do, and that you pay us for the outfit, for the ruined pool experience, for the snack lunches my wife packed that your robot threw away . . .

Ten million dollars should do it. If you don't, I am going to hire a lawyer, and I'll go to the media. My neighbor's cousin's physician's long-lost nephew is a reporter on television! And if that doesn't work, I'll hire a hacker and seize control of your entire team of The Electronic Babysitter robots. I'll bet you won't like being treated to a million clones of my mother. Just because she graduated from the Mary Poppins school of child care, she thinks she knows everything about kids. I'm not having her, or any robots programmed by her, tell my kids what to do! Or lecture me about being a neglectful parent!


Mr. Ab Santee Parent and Mrs. Lazee Bone-Parent.

06-26-2017, 11:50 PM
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Parent,

Enclosed is an application for parent school. The mother of Mr. Parent will have custody of the children until the course is completed.


Ree Sponsible

Dear Church Minister,

Where do you get off refusing to marry my cat Boots and I? Don't you realize that what you did is discrimination and that Boots and I are in love and want to get married? I demand you marry Boots and I at once and pay for our honeymoon. If you don't, I will sue the church for discriminating against marriage based on species.


Wanda Mary Mycat

06-27-2017, 01:21 AM
Dear Ms. Mycat,

Interspecies marriage laws aside, your cat is incapable of giving consent. Therefore this marriage, and therefore, whatever else you might have in mind, is highly illegal no matter where you live.

- J. Harkness

Dear Future Pizza Shop,

Aku ordered an extra thick pizza and it did not arrive in thirty minutes or less--in fact, it did not arrive at all!

Aku is most seriously displeased and wants a refund, and the pizza delivery boy banished!

Not sincerely,

Aku the glorious

06-28-2017, 12:22 PM
Aku The Glorious:

Providing a fake interstellar address won't get you a pizza, and it certainly won't get you a refund.

So both requests are denied!

Yours in the Stars,

Captain P. Icard
Owner, Future Pizza Shop


Dear So-Da-Pop Carbonated Beverages:

The other night, I was at home with my girl. Now, you must understand, my girl is HOT...

And I was feeling particularly randy this evening. See, my girl had on these really short shorts and a teeny, form fitting shirt. I think she was randy, too. Unfortunately, there was a condom nowhere to be found, and my girl isn't on the pill.

But then I remembered that I saw on the Internet I could use your drink as a contraceptive. Well, that happens to be my favorite drink, so I downed one, had my girl down one, and then I took a 3rd one and poured half on my parts and half on her parts.

Imagine my surprise when she turns up pregnant a month later! Your product didn't work! I saw it on the Internet, so it has to be true!

So I will be needing all of the necessary things to care for my baby, plus expenses for a wedding, plus an additional $20 million.

If you don't, I will go to the media about your lies! I will also tell everyone that your competitor, Dr. Salt, is better! Then I will sneak into your factory and drain all the vats of your product onto the floor, and cut power to the building!

Feeling Randy,

Clevon N. Aive

06-29-2017, 08:19 AM
Dear Mr. Aive,

Just because it's on the internet doesn't necessarily mean it's true. We have forwarded your threats to the police and you'll have to depends on your families concerning the baby and wedding.

May K. Believe

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire my daughter! All she did was take off her uniform because it was getting hot! I demand you rehire her and allow her to wear as little as she wants! If you don't, I will shop at your store wearing nothing!


Mrs. Exposure

07-01-2017, 05:05 AM
Dear Mrs. Exposure,

Your daughter was an absolute fool to take off her uniform here at Snowfall Supply Supermarket, because this place is the last supermarket for a hundred miles around in the deep place of snow and ice.

It couldn't possibly be hot in this place, though she may have been hot. We get of lot of lumberjacks here. :devil:

Nudity is illegal in the first place, but just plain stupid here in the freezing cold. So I won't rehire her. And if you come in here wearing nothing, you won't get far. Or didn't you see all those ice sculptures who were once people in the parking lot? Please reconsider. I don't want you adding to the ugliness of those human ice sculptures.

As for fire, your daughter should have been grateful. It's the closest she'll get to a fire of any kind in over a hundred miles.


Miss Bitt R. Cold,

Snowfall Supply Supermarket Owner,


Dear Shell-Chevron-ExxonMobile-ARCO-Texaco-Phillips 66-Gas Monopoly,

I went to one of your gas stations, the newest one built just around the corner from my home. There was another one that I was going to, and liked going to, but your new store is a couple of blocks closer.

But I won't be going back to your new store. And do you know why? Because, just like the last few times I've filled up my gas tank at the gas station I favored, when I filled my car up with gas from your brand new station, it was all gone within two weeks. When I top my tank off, I expect that gas to last! It shouldn't go away so fast! What are you doing, watering your gas down? Your gas is clearly an inferior product that just doesnít last as long as it should. It seems like it just gets consumed so quickly, as if it were water! If Iím going to pay a premium for gas, it better last me a %2wfw $U#J decade!

So what if I drive two hours to get to work, and then another two hours home, and am known to drive cross-country for my vacations? Your gas is getting so expensive nowadays! Luckily for me, at the gas station I used to go to and will start going to again, the manager always refunded me for the disappearing gas. He's a great guy.

But when I brought my receipt to the new gas station, the girl there gave me the most horrible back-talk. "Do you realize this receipt is from ten days ago? How far have you driven in the last ten days?" And her absolute worst was when she told me that she couldn't authorize a refund without a manager's presence, and that there wasn't one there because he was on lunch so could I please come back in about an hour?

An hour!?! How dare she? What nerve, what cheek? No, I didn't go back to see her manager because I had to go see my girlfriend in the next state over, but I am furious! I demand that you give me a refund like the manager at my preferred store always does (as I said, he's a great guy), and that you give me free gas for the rest of my life, and ten million dollars for my trouble.

If you won't, I'll come back with things that can start fires . . .


Mr. Gus Guzzler.

07-01-2017, 10:14 AM
Dear Hometown PD,

Enclosed is Mr. Guzzler's letter. As you can see, he's made threats of arson. Please take care of him right away, or the gas station may not be here tomorrow.

On another note, he's also broken our donut machine, so your free donuts will be taking a temporary hiatus.

Sincerely, Hometown Shell-Chevron-ExxonMobile-ARCO-Texaco-Phillips 66-Gas Monopoly


Dear Shmoei Entertainment,

My favorite character in Babbleball Z is the main lead, Ukog, who was always very selfless and willing to defend everyone from danger because he's just a good guy. But from watching new incarnations of the latest series from your native country of Japan, he's nothing but a selfish dick who wants to fight strong people!

Fix this! He's supposed to always be the good guy thinking of other people! Not some mindless fighter!

If you don't fix him I am going to light your studio on fire and take Ukog's ancient voice actor hostage!

I don't care if this was the creator's preference for his personality! My american view of this show must be catered to!

Not sincerely,

Crazy Fanman

(This is a thing, a lot of people I know are upset that Goku from DB Super is behaving like he is. Endangering a bunch of universes so he can fight strong people...etc. Instead of being the flawless Superman that the american dub made him out to be)

07-02-2017, 08:10 AM
Dear Mr. Fanman,

We're sorry for your dissatisfaction. We have forwarded your threats to the police and warned the voice actor.


Car Toon

Dear Burger Place Manager,

Why won't you fire me? I don't want to work and my mean, rotten parents won't let me quit. I demand you fire me so I won't have to work anymore. If you don't, I will fill a bag full of burgers and fries and put them in my schoolbag.


Wanda B. Fired

07-07-2017, 12:02 AM
Dear Wanda,

This is a family business. You are expected to participate. But if you really, truly don't want to work here, that's just fine. You're fired, but instead of working here, your new job is going to be with your uncle as his new assistant down at Gunk & Grime Gone Plumbing and Sewage. I'll give you three days before you come back begging and crawling to work at Burger Place again.

And if you steal, it'll come out of your paycheck, no matter where you're working. You already have quite a debt to payoff still from nearly burning down your aunt's book store, Read It and Weep.


Mrs. Ann Trepreneur, owner of Burger Place, Gunk & Grime Gone, Read It and Weep, and three other small family businesses, aka Grandma.


Dear Neverclosed Supercenter,

I am writing this letter because I am aghast at the shabby treatment I received by one of your courtesy clerks (and because there is so much going on at your store that you need to be made aware of) on the day of that massive thunderstorm.

See, while I was riding around in one of your electric carts, (you have two in the store and I don't see why only old people who can't walk should be permitted to use them both), I saw so many things that just got my dander up! They should have gotten management and loss prevention's dander up, too, but they didn't!

First of all, I saw someone bring eleven items into the ten items or less lane. I know because I was counting.

Secondly, I saw someone trying on clothes, but when she was finished trying them on, she left them in the fitting room instead of bringing them back to the rack.

Thirdly, I saw someone enter the bathroom with a loaf of garlic bread, in defiance of the sign that clearly said "No merchandise in the bathrooms", as if the sign were not there. When I called him on it after he exited, he told me he'd paid for that bread and showed me a receipt, but I knocked it out of his hand and told him that that's not the point. It's still merchandise, so he had no right . . . he walked off after that, calling me a lunatic. He breaks the rules and I'm the lunatic? I don't think so!

Fourthly, I saw someone go through and take samples from the pretzel and cheese display. Okay, there was a woman there handing samples out. But then she let this man come back and get samples again! When I challenged her, she said "I have to get rid of them and no one else seems to want them because of the flavor combo. Sample?"

And that's far from all of it. I have an entire list of things wrong, that's just the top of it. So I told your cashier, but she said only that she'd bring it up with a manager. How dismissive, but at least she said she'd do something.

But I wanted to be sure that action was taken against these rule-breakers. So I told everything to the cart pusher as he came by with his carts. I was loading my groceries in the car by then, trying to be fleet and quick to escape the pouring rain. He came by to offer me help, but stopped when he saw that I could walk and handle everything all by myself.

I told him everything and that he should go directly to a manager with the things I saw. Instead he offered to fetch me a manager if I came back inside with him, but I refused. Don't you know how valuable my time is? Retrain that boy! Anyway, I reiterated so he knew exactly what had happened, then I accidentally ran over his foot as I put the electric cart out of my way. He then screamed back at me as I finished repeating the story "And you, young lady, have intentionally used an electric cart meant for those who need it, which isn't you! And worse yet, you've intentionally left it in the pouring rain, and just injured me with your carelessness!"

How dare he speak to me like that? It's inexcusable. Besides, he's a big hypocrite, since he took the cart inside. He doesn't need it either. That limp he had after I ran over his foot was obviously just for show, and I don't approve of it!

I demand ten million dollars in compensation, and that the store take my complaints seriously! If you don't, not only will I sic my father, Roy Ofswords on you, I may even take my complaints straight to the emperor! And if that doesn't work, I know a magician who can call up the devil! Let's see how you handle him?

Angrily yours,

Paige OfSwords.

OOC: (The Page of Swords is a tarot card. She represents spying and snooping, including tattle-tales. The King of Swords (Roy), The Emperor, The Magician, and The Devil are also tarot cards that just happen to fit into the story.)

07-21-2017, 04:34 AM
Dear Ms. OfSwords,

Unfortunately, not everyone follows the rules and we have dealt with the rulebreakers. Also, the "No Merchandise inside Restroom" refers to unpaid merchandise.

Thanks to you, the cart boy has a broken foot and will be out of work for a while. You are banned until you pay the enclosed bill from the hospital.


Al L. Night

Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I came to your store to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets and your rude employee refused to sell them to me. She gave me a lecture about how smoking is bad for my health and that I should stop buying cigarettes. She also told me that the lottery is a waste of money and that I should use it to buy food and clothes. She also gave the same lecture to other customers that wanted cigarettes and lottery tickets.

I don't appreciate being told how to spend my money. I want this employee retrained on customer service or fired or I will release an army of mice inside your store.


S. M. Okeygambler

07-31-2017, 05:35 AM
Dear Mr. Okeygambler,

The reason she turned you and the other shoppers down is because you and your friends, including Tina Gerr, who is on probation and should know better, tried to buy all those things without proper identification.
You were all underage, and Eagle-Eyed Ethel caught you. Nothing gets by that old cashier. That's why she runs the register closest to the door.

And don't try to release mice unless you like them dying fast, because we're famous for having a patron cat, Delilah, whom we all call the real boss around here. And she's quite the huntress.


Katt Lover, highest human manager of At Delilah's Convenience Store.


Dear Lifetime Love Pet Shop,

I went into your store because I saw the gigantic sign that said Lifetime Love, inside of a gigantic stylized heart. But there weren't that many people, only a bunch of animals in cages and animal supplies.

I start walking around the store, looking for some suitable man who I deemed to be worthy of me, when suddenly I hear just the words I've been longing to hear.

"You're beautiful," a man says. "Ravishing, and so cute. I just want to scoop you up in my arms and hold you forever. You are just perfect for my son, and if he doesn't want you, I certainly do."

I turn around and find this man with the silver tongue, only he's not looking at me. He's looking at a calico kitten in a display with one other kitten, another calico but with different markings.

I reach out and touch this man, while he's dandling his finger in the display to play with the kitten. He jumps, startling the kitten and landing virtually in my arms.
"You're looking for the love of your life? Well, you've found her, lucky boy. Here I am, and you won't need your other two wishes."
"Well, I wish you'd let me down before my spouse shows up," he replies, so I drop him to the floor like a hot potato.

As he is getting up, a female clerk and a stylish but rather effete man come up to him and help him to his feet.
"Jim," says the effete man, "Marcia here was just telling me the saddest tale. It seems that a dog got the mother of these two little kittens, and one of their brothers, before someone called the dog off. After dropping the kittens off at a vet, somehow, they all wound up here. The last brother was adopted, so it's just these two sisters left from that litter. It's so sad."
"Oh, you poor things," said Jim, and he started to pet both kittens.
"What about me?" I asked. "All those things you said . . ."
"I said them to the kitten," Jim countered. "I don't even know you. And by the way, meet my spouse, Elgin."
"Hello," the effet spouse said, offering me his hand. Naturally, I refuse it and knock it away.
"Have you decided on a purchase?" Marcia chimes, looking at Jim.
"Yes, I have," Jim said, picking up the kitten he had been playing with. "We'll take this one. She's lovely, and so sweet. Can't you hear that purr? We'll also take that orange collar by the door, since it matches her fur, a big bag of kitten chow . . ."
"And clumping cat litter," said Elgin. "Along with a baby-sized littler box. I'm sure you have a record of the kitten's shots?"
"In the safe under the till," Marcia said back. "You'll get it with your receipt. Will you be needing any food or water dishes?"
"Yes, we almost forgot," Jim replied. "Thank you."
"I'll fetch those things and have them waiting at the register," Marcia said. "Ma'am, I'll be with you in a minute, okay?" And Marcia left at that point.
"Jim, darling," Elgin said, "are you sure this is a good idea?"
"It's Jason's birthday tomorrow," Jim answered. "He's been begging for a pet for some time and we can't have a dog at the apartment, so a cat is a much better choice."
"But he's only turning nine," Elgin said. "Maybe this could wait another year?"
"He'll never learn if we don't let him try," Jim said. "Besides, even if he's not good at taking care of this little angel, you and I certainly will be."

At this point, I leave and look around the store, searching for other men. I find one other man, one dressed in scuffed biker boots and leather that has been torn to shreds by kitten and puppy claws, and bird talons. What ugly clothing! Besides, he's too busy looking at boa constrictors and has so many tattoos, most of which are about how much he loves animals, that I don't even go near him. So, I decide that I'm going to redouble my efforts to land this Jim.

I go up to the register where Jim and Elgin are with the kitten and the supplies Marcia has fetched and kept waiting.
"All right," she said, "will that be cash or credit?"
"Cash," Jim said back, reaching for his wallet.
"Wait!" Elgin interjected, surprising them both. "Jim, we cannot get this kitten. Don't look at me like that, and don't say anything. What I mean is that, after everything these little babies have been through, I demand that we go ahead and buy her twin sister as well. We cannot break this family up any worse than they've already been."
"You've made a wise choice," Marcia announced. "I learned in my veterinarian classes that two kittens will keep each other entertained and less lonely than a single kitten would be, and since they're littermates, they already know each other and won't feel the need to compete for territory like cats tend to do."
"Thank you, Elgin," Jim said. "I am so glad to hear . . ."
"I couldn't bear to sever those two sisters, not after the death of their mother and brother, and the loss of their other brother," Elgin answered.
Marcia left to go fetch the other kitten.
"What about me!" I snapped, catching them all by surprise. "Jim, you are the most handsome man I've ever met and I am not leaving this store without you!"
"Is there something I don't know about?" Elgin asked.
"No," Jim said. "I was talking to the kitten and she thought I was talking to her. But lady, I don't know you, and based on the way you're behaving, I don't want to know you!
"I am a happily married man, and we've adopted a son together. I'm supposed to just up and abandon them all for a girl? One I don't know, let alone like?"
"But you belong with me!" I argued.
"Madame, that's enough!" Marcia said, holding the other kitten. She then put both kittens in a small cat carrier. "Is she bothering you, sir?"
"Harassing is more like it," Jim said.
"Ma'am, you'll have to go," Marcia told me at once. "If you don't, I'll have to call the manager."
"And who is this manager?" I scoff, only to see the man with the tattoos show up and stand right beside Marcia.
"I am," he said to me. "You've been inappropriately behaved ever since you first saw this man, and I won't have it here."
He started to walk toward me, so I ran out the door. Then he followed me to the door and yelled.
"And don't come back!" was all I caught of it. I've never been so mad in my life.

I wait, and a few minutes later, out come Jim and Elgin, with Elgin carrying all the things they bought, and Jim carrying the cat carrier with the sister kittens in it.
"It was so nice of Marcia not to charge us for the cat carrier," Elgin said. "We almost owe that lunatic lady a thank you."
"Don't ever say that again," Jim retorted.
"Hey," I said, coming out from around the car. "You're only with him because you haven't been with a real woman yet." And I try to wrap my arms around him. The next thing I know, Jim pulls backwards and I end up falling flat onto the parking lot.
"Elgin is the love of my life, lady!" Jim snapped. "I will not insult him by even speaking to you anymore."
And with that, Jim gets into the car with the kittens.
I stand up, and then raise my fingernails, ready to scratch Elgin. But effete Elgin has a surprise - a one-time use can of pepper spray on his key ring. And once the door is closed so it won't get to Jim or the kittens, Elgin sprays me with it.
Then Elgin gets into the car before I can react, and off they go, the gay men and their kittens.

I go to your pet shop again, demanding that Marcia call the police because they attacked me. And what did Marcia say after I came in? “Dad, she’s back again!” That’s what she said.
"Before or after you tried to put the squeeze on Jim?" Marcia argued. Then she proceeded to call the police . . . on me. Me!

I was strongly advised that I needed to take a plea deal for attempted assault on Elgin and the harassment of Jim, and wound up escaping jail time by doing community service. But I have to do it at the animal shelter, where they've got me cleaning cages!
Someone as beautiful as me, someone who has actually been on magazine covers before, should not be in any place like the animal shelter unless it is for a photo opportunity! But instead, a cat clawed up my face because I pulled her tail, a dog bit me because I stepped on his paw, and I slipped and fell into a dirty cage full of used newspapers! Yuck! It gets even worse from there!

I demand that you give me Jim's address, as well as ten million dollars and a free photo op! If you don't, I've found quite a few unpleasant animals here that would be more than willing to let me bring them to your pet shop and eat your little animals there. Then they'll wreck the place! And we'll see how full of themselves your Marcia, and your icky tattooed manager, are then.

Angrily yours,

Miss Vainessa Peacock, the most beautiful woman in the world.

08-19-2017, 01:19 AM
Dear Miss Peacock,

What you did was harrassment. Therefore, the ban is still in place and if you try anything, you'll be behind bars.


P. Etlover

Dear Credit Card Company,

Where do you get off declining my card when I tried to buy what I needed? Thanks to you, I'm spending time in prison for massive shoplifting. I demand you allow me to get all I want, even if I max out the card limit, which you told me I did. If you don't, I will hack into your system and raise my credit card limit to unlimited.


Will Notpay

08-19-2017, 06:05 PM
Dear Mr. Notpay,

We restrict people with a credit limit so the wrong person isn't able to spend us into bankruptcy. We like to keep our employees employed. Since you threatened to hack into our systems, we will forward this letter to the proper authorities.


Mr. Card


Dear Nine Inch Nails,

I was looking for "Closer" by #ChainSmokers when I came across your video. I clicked on it thinking it was a cover song. What I saw was some of the most disgusting things I ever saw.

First of all, did you really say, "I want to :censored: you like an animal?" Also, you had an open pig carcass hanging from the ceiling and a spinning severed pig's head. Yuck! Also, you had a naked man with long hair and a naked bald woman in your video. Men shouldn't have long hair while women should. Even if a woman goes bald naturally, she needs to put on a wig. How long have you made the black guy stand in that spot? He blew a huge amount of dust off of his top hat. Also, you tied two Indian women's hair together and spun them around. Also, why do those old men keep showing up? Each one of them have more hair on their heads than the bald woman.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to gross children by showing the pig carcass. You're treating minorities like objects by spinning them around. You're trying to promote gender confusion by have a man with long hair and a bald woman. You're trying to turn this generation of children into vegan, gender-neutral racists. Your inclusion of a two-year-old girl proves it.

My husband, Pare A. Noid, will find irrefutable proof of your chicanery. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Aryu Anne Noid

PS: If you think that Dr. X will bail you out, you have another think coming. Dr. X's day of reckoning HAS come.

08-28-2017, 09:53 AM
Dear Miss Noid,

If you don't like our music, don't listen to it or watch it. We have plenty of fans that enjoy our music.


Lead Singer

Dear Restaurant Manager,

Where do you get off not accepting credit cards? Don't you realize that some people don't carry cash and some, like me, are allergic? I demand you start accepting credit cards at once. If you don't, I will sue for discrimination against allergies.


Al L. Ergictocash

09-30-2017, 11:34 AM
Dear Mr. Ergictocash,

We refused to honor your credit cards, because your I. D. says Mr. Al L. Ergictocash, but the name on your credit cards was Mrs. Carrie Les Withmypurse. Your name doesn't match the name on the card, so we couldn't let it run.

Our security cameras show that Miss Withmypurse left her purse in her trolley when she went to the loo, and that you came up and took her wallet out. And you certainly weren't allergic to the cash you lifted from her wallet, were you?

Naturally, the cops have been called.

P. S., don't mind the nasal drippings all over this letter. Crooks make my nose run and run and run . . .


Mr. Al L Ergictocrooks.


Dear Y-Mobile,

You people call yourselves the Don't Carrier, and now I understand why. When I called your telephone service line, I only got people who don't care about their clientele one damned bit.

See, my service was disconnected, and nobody sent me notice. So I was just using my phone until suddenly it was shut off without telling me. How can you do this? I borrowed a phone from my grandmother, without actually asking her or letting her know that I took it from her purse and kept it when she visited me last week. On her phone, I was able to talk to your heartless phone service reps.

They told me bluntly that not paying one's bill for six months straight, constantly challenging all charges, demanding credits every time I call, and so forth, all added up to the reps being told by the new manager, Ms. Wittha Spinne, that from now on, I'm going to pay my entire bill without any further freebies or discounts.

Next thing I know, I'm switched off to people who don't speak a word of English. They say they're from the billing department, and they insist that I'm to pay the whole bill before I get service back on. Mind you, I can't understand a word they were saying the moment they insisted I pay my bill in full. [I]They[I] must have stopped speaking English, because I stopped being able to comprehend what they said.

I demand my phone turned back on, and given to me absolutely free for the rest of my life. I also want you to fire Ms. Wittha Spinne, and get people in your billing department who speak only perfect, plain, American English! Then throw in a million dollars for all my trouble!

If my demands are not met, not only will I take my service to Horizon. And I'll sue you in court! Plus, if that doesn't work, I know hackers who can jam and destroy your services. If I can't get my way, your service will be destroyed!


Miss Neve R. Spenda-Dime.

10-01-2017, 05:18 AM
Dear Miss Spenda-Dime,

Your grandma stopped in and reported her missing phone. Now that we know what happened, you will be charged for using her phone and for threatening us as soon as the police are contacted.


S. Upport

Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I came to your store to buy cigarettes for my parents Virginia and Winston. Your rude employee refused to sell them to me even though I had a permission note from my parents just because I showed my school ID which stated that I was 12 years old. I demand you tell your employees to honor permission notes or fire them. If you don't, I will smoke in your store on my 18th birthday.


Eve Newport

10-30-2017, 02:15 PM
Dear Miss Newport,

You are not old enough to buy cigarettes, even if you have a note from your parents, which you didn't. Parents don't normally write in crayon. If we find that you smoke in our store, we will assume you are on fire and douse you with water. We are, however, going to notify child protective services that your parents allow you to smoke.


Don T. Youdoit,


What You Need Mart.


Dear In The Money Financial Advisors,

I was getting tired of having all my money disappear from my wallet on payday, and so were my bill collectors. And so, my friend, Prudence, told me that she had gone to your company to get advice on how to control her money and make it "Work for her," as your company puts it. Prudence is doing great. She actually has a savings account. Too bad she only goes out to eat twice a week instead of every night now, and only at cheap places. I love my glass of wine and my favorite dinners at Conspicuous Consumption restaurant. She's no fun anymore, because she won't go with me to Sprawl-Mart once I got paid like she used to. She still goes to Sprawl-Mart, but only because she needs groceries, she says, and she's learned to read the price per serving or something like that, to be sure she's getting the best bargain.
Why, she's even started shopping at Cost-Less-Co! Only poor people and the homeless shop at Cost-Less-Co! It's so demeaning to even be seen with people like that! But Prudence buys things there intentionally. I can't bring myself to do that.

So anyway, I was assigned a coach, Miss Suzette Morning, who told me that I was to enjoy my money. Well, I loved hearing that. But the rest of what she said was a blur.
All I remember was that she gave me permission to buy a car, and some silly piffle about paying for it by staying out of Sprawl-Mart. And some nonsense about having a financial accountability buddy to call when I feel like shopping for non-essentials. We also worked out a list of what Suzette considered essentials I could buy, and non-essentials I could only buy when I got bonuses (which we do every quarter).

Well, I went out and got my car, but a far more luxurious and flashy module than Suzette said I should get. Why should I buy a dully, grey, blotchy, ugly thing for two-hundred dollars a month when I could get a beautiful car to make everyone green with envy for four-hundred and fifty a month?

Just last week, I went to Sprawl-Mart and found such bargains. Skiing things, new winter clothes, scuba gear, you name it, I bought it. It was wonderful. Except that I called Prudence, who had agreed to be my accountability buddy, when my rent check bounced. I asked her for help, and she said that wasn't the point of having a buddy - that I was to call her while I was at Sprawl-Mart, not after I'd spent myself into disaster! Prudence reminded me that this wasn't the first time this kind of thing had happened. One night, I was home with the girls, and we called Pizza Hot, ordering bundles of pizza for my planned party, but I discovered that my debit card was maxed out when it was time to pay the bill, so all the girls had to cover the pizzas collectively.
Marie was so mad, she threatened to take my shiny earrings that are too beautiful to wear, so I put them in glass on my mantelpiece.

Now I can't afford my car, and it's all Suzette's fault! I did almost exactly what Suzette Morning told me to do. I just added a few things to the list of essentials. After all, I want to go skiing, I just can't afford to do it this year like I hoped. Maybe the bank will give me a loan?

My point is, I've been brought to the brink of financial ruin, to the point where they repossessed my car right in front of all my neighbors, and I'm on the verge of losing my apartment! And I've got so many wonderful things in my house now that I can barely move. My housekeeper, who just quit because I hadn't paid her in a month, told me that she's heard of a man named Tras H. Keeper in the news and that I was starting to remind her of him.
I web-searched him, and was offended that she'd compare me to him! I would've fired her if she hadn't quit on me.

I can't be expected to clean my own apartment! I'm too busy shopping. After all, I can't wear the same clothes to work twice!

If you don't reimburse me every dime that I'm out, and help me pay off all my bills, I will file a lawsuit. It's happened to your company before. And I've got powerful friends, since I have a lot of corporate clients who use my services at work. I can tell the entire business community what you've done! You haven't saved me, you've brought me to ruin, and I expect to be given five billion dollars in compensation for what I've had to face. None of this is my fault! I only did what Suzette told me to do. Now you're going to pay, because if you don't, not only will I sue and make your company's name mud all over the corporate world, I will also
drive the horrible old gray car my brother lent me after my lovely car was repossessed, straight into your building!

Furiously yours,

Miss Construed.

11-07-2017, 10:25 PM
Dear Miss Construed,

We want you to enjoy your money but also be responsible for it. Therefore, we will work out a plan to help you out.

Please don't run the car into our building. If you do, we will take legal action against you.


M. O. Neyisfun

Dear Dave & Busters Manager,

I recently came to your place to have a nice dinner and play some games. The dinner was delicious but I had trouble with the games.
When I played the games, I couldn't get very many tickets. On this one game where you can turn in cards for tickets, I didn't get a single one but purplecat41877 got three of them. In fact, she was winning more tickets than I was. She even placed 2nd on a puzzle solving game and all I got was 4 tickets.
Purplecat41877 was also playing a music keyboard game like it was the most natural thing in the world and kept ending up on the leaderboard. I kept missing notes because I was rushing and got very few tickets.
I demand you make the games easy to play and guarantee 100 tickets per game even I lose the game. If you don't, I will hack into your system and load my playcard with as many tickets as I want.


Wanda Bea Winner

12-04-2017, 12:48 AM
Dear Wanda,

The games are easy to play. You're just not very good at them. I recommend you practice a bit, you'll get better.

Dave & Busters

* * * * *

Dear Grumbels Dept. Store,

Yoo-hoo, I'm back! I came to your lovely store (http://retailcomic.com/comics/december-3-2017/#comments) to spread Christmas cheer and your stockboys ran as fast as they could from me and called security on me! Well, I won't have that! You retrain them to love Christmas as much as I do, or I'll have them over for Christmas dinner...literally!

Mary Christmas-Freak (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?p=1250358#post1250358)

(I saw today's Retail cartoon and it reminded me of the crazy character cindybubbles created on these pages. Couldn't resist a bit of nostalgia!)

12-04-2017, 01:53 AM
Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

We were scared when we heard that you escaped. However, thanks to your letter, we know where to send the U.S. Marshals. Thank you for your letter.




Dear Poetry Club,

I want to join your club
This issue is the rub
You've done it this time
I don't know how to rhyme
All my poems I do flub.


Matty Patty

12-04-2017, 12:05 PM
A wannabe poet named Matty
Wrote poems that were really quite batty
We hadn't the time
for her meter or rhyme
which read like a fresh-laid cow patty.


Dear Mega Record Company CEO:

How dare you reject my demo tape and not give me a recording contract! I spent a lot of time writing all those songs ("Get You Naked" and "My Girl's Butt" are hits, I don't care what anyone says). Is it because I had to record it on cheap equipment?

I'm a better singer than all those people on those dumb TV shows! And my songs are better than the ones that just repeat the same word or phrase over and over again! You could have had your chance to sign someone who will be the biggest country artist in history! I even picked out a stage name for myself: Bobby Ray Singer.

So I demand $5 billion dollars, my own recording studio, and a public apology on all the cable news networks and all the music channels!

If you don't, I'll come to your studio, break all your recording equipment, and smash all the masters I find!


I. Wanna Sing

12-13-2017, 04:27 AM
Dear Mr. Sing,

You're singing was way out of tune. Enclosed is a list a teachers who give vocal singing lessons. Please don't destroy any of our stuff, though. If you do, we'll have no choice but to contact the police.


Ree Corder

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was eat large bills! I demand my job back and to be allowed to eat all the money I want! If you don't, I will break into the vending machine outside and eat all the money!


Anita Eatmoney

12-13-2017, 06:49 PM
Dear Anita,

We cannot have you eating our money. Aside from losing our profits, you really don't know where that stuff has been, do you? People stuff it in their bras, socks, underwear, you name it. It's covered in bodily fluids, dirt and bacteria, and you want to eat it?!

Enclosed is a list of physicians who are good at treating pica and other eating disorders. I urge you to contact them and get help with your problem.

Very sincerely,
Karen Aboutyou, manager
Healthy Harvest Supermarket

* * * * *

Dear Highend Department Store,

I was shopping in your store when I had to use the restroom. While you do have restrooms on both floors, they're public restrooms. Heaven knows what kind of hoodlums and lowlifes use and dirty up those places! But I'm sure you keep your employee restrooms much cleaner, so I went through the Employees Only door to find them.

One of your employees had the nerve to tell me to leave! She said there were no restrooms back there, that they had to use the same ones the public used and that she'd cleaned them half an hour ago, and some silly thing about your insurance not allowing for customers to be in the stock room. What utter nonsense! I knew she was lying to me so I ran from her deeper into the stockroom, and got clipped by a forklift!

Needless to say, I will be suing you for every penny you've got. I'll see you in court! Bring your checkbook!

Kent Botherto-Listen

12-14-2017, 09:01 PM
Dear Mr. Botherto-Listen

We were having our employee bathroom renovated, which means that they were using dangerous tools, such as saws. So for that time period, yes, the staff had to use the same bathroom that you did, and it was too dangerous for you to go back there. Not that you were allowed to go in there in the first place!

We have signs all over the place saying that you can't be back there. You may not be willing to read, but judges are.

And by the way, we have a witness who saw you intentionally cut yourself on our forklift. Sorry, but you're fired as a customer.


Miss Lotta Warning Signs,
Risk Manager, Highend Department Store.


Dear Angels and Elves Holiday Shoppe,

Your store just started to have Santa in it, to come in and have the kids sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they wanted. Your store also had a promotion - that they would hand out free (small, cheap, but still thoughtful and fun) gifts to kids that behaved themselves while waiting in the rather long line. Basically, all the kids got a gift unless they behaved really badly.

My son pushed and kicked and got to the front of the line. The angel assistant and the elf photographer asked me to take him out of the line, but Santa overruled them and told my son to come up to him. At least Santa saw my son's value and his superiority over the other brats.

Santa asks my son what he wants, and my son says he wants the Playing With Fire toy he saw on a television commercial. But Santa said that he saw that commercial and that that wasn't a toy, it was a dangerous weapon that can start fires, and can burn you if you mishandle it, and that he shouldn't have one. How dare he say that to my kid?

Santa suggested a tool kit, but my poor Donald was horrified. And angry. Naturally, my kid kicked him in the shins and ran to me, knocking over the tree along the way. Then my sweet little cherub stomped all over the ornaments until he screamed. I rushed to my son, and it seems that he'd cut his foot on broken glass! I grabbed my son and told all of your employees off, then took him out of the store. As we were leaving, he took the bag of little presents, too, but I think that's perfectly fair. My son cut his foot!

Of course, I took his straight to the hospital. The medical staff acted as if I'd done something wrong, and they told me my son's foot was seriously injured. He couldn't walk for two days!

That's two days of me taking him to the hospital and having to sit with him all day and night, and two days of missed work because I belong with my precious little baby. My son is traumatized from this horrible experience, and I demand recompense. That Santa is personally going to bring my son the Playing With Fire device, and apologize to him. If he doesn't, I'll come back with one of my own and I'll burn your store down!

Then there's my lawsuit. I'm thinking ten million dollars for having unsafe ornaments on your floor due to a falling Christmas tree, and the firing of that Santa and his entire team, in fact, the entire staff of the store, should be adequate.

Trust me, you want to give me what I've asked for. It's better for everyone involved. Because I got two of those Playing With Fire things. One is for Donald, and the other one is for your store if I don't get my way.


Miss Anne Dulgent, proud mother of Donald Dulgent.

01-26-2018, 07:57 AM
Dear Miss Dulgent,

Your son destroyed our property and you threatened us. Therefore, both of you are banned.


Ann Gel

Dear Jewerly Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me! I didn't do anything! I demand you give me my job back at once! If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you make your employees work!


Lacey Bones

01-26-2018, 12:23 PM
... I will post on Facebook ...
Didn't you mean to say "... fece on Postbook ..." ? :D

01-28-2018, 08:58 AM
OOC: I believe this will be my final letter.


Dear Lacey Bones,

That's the reason you were fired. You didn't do anything. All day. We had several customers who tried to get your attention. A lucky few were able to get another staff's attention, but most of the rest just left and went to our competition.
You didn't do anything when a fire broke out in the boutique next door and all the smoke alarms kept going off in every building in the complex. We had to drag you out!
And you didn't do anything when a gunman came in and robbed our store! You let him take the money from the register, and you let him clean out the jewelry cases. While this we can forgive, you also didn't call the police, even after he left. You didn't call any member of our dozens of managers either. In fact, you did absolutely nothing.

Normally, we'd put you in the manager training program, but the fact is, we're at full capacity on our management team. We need workers, and face it, Lacey, that's not you.


Mrs. Gem Stone,

Manager number 4321 of Queen of Diamonds Jewelers.


Dear Ocean World,

I went to the Ocean World across the street from one of the world's largest and busiest airports, for your big event, which was drawing crowds from all over the world thanks to the airport. It was the very first look at the first great white sharks born in captivity. Though the park's marine biologist and her assists looked quite angry with the park's manager for allowing crowds anywhere near the display tank, first during the birth and then afterwards, to see the babies, the crowds were both excited and scared.

And I was riveted. I just couldn't help but get a good, up close view. So I pushed my way through everyone until I came right up to the tank. People were in my way, so I just pushed them with my hands, and after a while, people finally did the smart thing and let me through, up to the edge of the tank.

The biologist sent her assistant down to me, and he said something about "Not pressing myself against the tank . . ." I didn't listen to him. All I did was cough my lungs out, and he backed off just like everyone else did.
Then at that point, the park biologist noticed that I'd been leaving a trail of snot everywhere and called her assistant off of me. Keeping her distance, she told him to go to the infirmary, and told me I was too close to the tank and needed to get back, or get out.
I coughed in her direction, and she made herself scarce. So, since by now everyone had given me a wide berth, I just went up to the top of the tank and tried to reach out and touch a baby.

Mother didn't like that and tried to bite me! She tried to bite me! How dare you let me get so close to a killer shark? Next thing I know, two security men are running my way when some busybody Brit screams out to them that they'll need masks and gloves before they touch me. She's wearing them too, and gives them to the security guards, then they put them on and drag me away from the tank.

Then the biologist comes back and she declares that the show's over because now the mother is agitated and there's no telling what she's going to do. The park's owner is not happy with this, as he starts yelling at the biologist . . . until the mother shark bites him in half.

The two security guards drag me away, but the busybody Brit doesn't let anyone else leave. She tells the crowd that she's a doctor and that I've been showing signs of carrying a dangerous virus. The British doctor also tells everyone that if they've touched me at all, or if I've touched them, they need to go be checked out at a nearby hospital.

Then the doctor turned to me and told me she wanted to run some tests on me to make sure I had the virus she feared that I had. It turns out that she works at the infirmary here at Ocean World and was sent by the biologist's assistant after he got there and told her what symptoms I was showing.

Now, I'm being sued by all these people I don't even know for making them sick with a dangerous virus that they'd all be dead from if that doctor hadn't scared them all into seeking emergency treatment at the hospital! So I'm suing you for allowing that mother shark to nearly bite me!

I demand a trillion dollars, free passes to Ocean World for the rest of my life, the firing of the doctor and the biologist, and one of those baby great whites whom, by now, the newspapers said, you've released into the sea along with the mother because they couldn't survive in captivity any longer after my intrusion . . . or something like that.

And I want to be given a public apology from Ocean World. In fact, you can make me the new owner. It's not like you don't have a vacancy.

If you don't, I happen to be a lab tech in a place where they make new viruses and bolster old ones. I know how to spread a disease in a large public vector. But do it quick because I'm not feeling very well any longer. In fact, I've had to call in to work over the last two days. So bring me a doctor, but not that busybody Brit. We can do without her.


Mr. Khan Tagious.

02-03-2018, 11:42 PM
Dear Mr. Tagious,

You infected lots of people with your disease. In the future, stay away if you have any cold or disease.


O. C. Ean Manager

Dear Restaurant Manager,

We were at your restaurant and we had a problem with your waitress. Although our meal was delicious, she didn't give us 100% of her attention. She also served other customers.
I demand you give us a waitress or waiter that will only wait on us when we come to your restaurant or we will burn all of the lettuce in the kitchen.


Anita & Wanda Personalserver

03-24-2018, 06:15 AM
Dear Anita & Wanda Personalserver,

We assign more than one table to each server so you won't get a personal server here. Actually, you won't at all since you're banned for threatening to burn our lettuce.


Sal Ed Lover

Dear Office Manager,

You had no right to write me up. All I did was show up in a bikini and sandals on casual Friday. I demand you reverse the write up. If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you make employees wear normal clothes on casual Friday.


Mrs. Casual

05-02-2018, 08:03 AM
Dear Mrs. Casual,

I'm puzzled why you would wear a bikini when it's cold outside. Although you seem to be proud of your body, a bank is not the appropriate place to show up in what could be your underwear. Please review our dress code before we send you home again.


Robert Banks


To whom it may concern,

When I walk into your business, I want breasts. Yesterday, all I saw were legs and thighs. I just want two big, meaty breasts. Is that really too much to ask from a chicken place at lunch time?


Pol Tree

05-10-2018, 08:15 PM
Dear Mr. Tree,

Unfortunately, chicken breasts are very popular. I will see what I can do about getting more in.


C. H. Icken

Dear Fish and Chips Place,

I went to your restaurant and ordered fish and chips. However, instead of potato chips, I got French fries. I was steamed so I dumped the fries on my server and told everyone that ordered fish and chips that they were being ripped off as I stormed out. I demand you change the name of the restaurant to Fish and Fries or I will sue for false advertising.


Mrs. Critic

05-11-2018, 02:27 PM
Mrs. Critic:

"Fish and Chips" are a creation of our English friends. They refer to french fries as "chips". What we refer to as "chips" they refer to as "crisps".

And now that we have your name and address, you are hereby banned from our establishment, and we have forwarded your information to local authorities and the server in case they decide they want to press assault charges.

Please do not have a pleasant day,

S. E. Afood, Owner
Uncle Albert's Fish-n-Chips.


Dear Robot Fighting League:

I went to your competition expecting to see REAL robots, like the Terminator or Data from Star Trek fighting each other!

Instead people just had remote controlled vehicles with weapons crashing into each other! These are NOT robots!

So I demand my expenses be covered, and I demand all my money back, plus 100 million dollars so I can start a correct robot fighting league! If you don't, next time I come I will show up with water and short circuit all of these things so none of them can be used, and I will destroy your "fighting" arena!

How dare you mislead people like this!

Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink Jr.

05-21-2018, 11:46 AM
Dear Professor Frink Jr.,

We have analyzed your complaint and have determined that you have misunderstood the situation. It was not the robots that were actually fighting in the arena. The robots were all of the rest of us actually running the toys we were fighting with. You should not have even been admitted entrance to the event, but we have run check after check and found that there was a faulty security sentry. It has since been replaced by a newer model.

But thanks to your letter, one of our participants, Max Imum Overdrive, has suggested that we alter the game. We will no longer play with remote-control vehicles. Now we will bring captured humans in to fight for our entertainment. Do you wish to be of the gladiators?


Vickie Small-Wonder, on behalf of Commander Data, the Terminator, Wall-E, Winona Call & the Bishop series, Robby the Robot, Johnny 5, Lieutenant Ilia, and ad infinitum of our top-of-the-line Robot Fighting League.


Dear Maydaytag Appliance Store,

Direct this letter to the owner, because the manager was absolutely no help!

Dear owner, I went to your business about two weeks ago with my tax refund, and I purchased all new kitchen appliances, especially a new washer-dryer combination with my domestic partner, Sterling Character. I call him the domestic partner because he stays at home and takes care of the home front, while I work. The problem is, he left for a week to attend to his dying mother after her sudden stroke, taking his adopted daughter, Justine, with him, and I stayed at home. I had to eat out every night because, while he cooked me up a week's worth of food before he left, when I tried to use it, the microwave blew up on me It's faulty and defective. But your manager wouldn't issue me a refund "I see the packaging on your machine says quite clearly that you are not supposed to stick metal in the microwave." I did not put any metal in the microwave. There was nothing on that plate except the steak, the corn, the ketchup, the knife, and the fork!

Oh, but it gets worse! I attempted to use the stove, and damned near had a fire! I bought a frozen pizza and put it on the pan, and set it up to cook. I turned it up to 500, and let it cook for an hour. Next thing I know, I've got a fire and it gets so bad the fire department drags me out of my own house! They call my partner up, and tell him what happened to me, and he demands to speak to me. "Kent, didn't I tell you not to use the oven because I didn't have a chance to clean it yet? What happened to all the food I prepared for you?" When I told him about the microwave, he said to me that "I have had it, Kent. You're fantastic at work, or so you say, though your boss disagrees and often calls me up complaining about you, only to have me vouch for you and help you keep your job, but I can't turn my back on you for a minute at home! Thank goodness I took Justine with me so she could have time to see Big Granny. Leaving her alone with you would probably have been the death of her! You burned our house! She could've been killed if she wasn't safe with me. You could've been killed, all because you don't listen! We're over, Kent. I'm staying right here to tend to my mother in her final weeks! If Justine and I have anything left that isn't burned to a crisp, you can mail it to us." And before I could argue, he hung up.

I blame your company for the loss of both my house and my family! It's entirely on you, and I expect compensation. Oh, and there's one thing that's almost as bad, and other reason I had to eat out. I put all my dishes in the washer-drying, and when the machine was finished, I found that your washing machine destroyed all of my dishes! Not one thing survived! How dare you sell products like this?

You will give me one million dollars, as well as a new place to live. And you'll get Sterling to forgive me and come back to me, along with his adopted daughter, Justine! And you'll do it now! Because if you don't, I've since learned what happens if you spray a running garden hose (one of the few appliances you sold me that actually works) into uncovered electric sockets . . . Don't think I won't do it right there during your busiest time if I don't get my way!


Mr. Kent B. Trusted.

07-06-2018, 10:03 AM
Dear Mr. Trusted,

Knives and forks are usually made of metal and you don't need to cook pizza at 500 for an hour.
Pizza usually goes in the oven or a microwave. Also, dishes get cleaned in a dishwasher and not a washing machine. Therefore, you'll get exactly what you deserve: nothing.


A. P. Pliance

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Your rude front end manager had no right to make me leave. All I was doing was watching my daughter and making sure she actually works since this is her first job. I demand you tell the front end manager to mind her own business and allow me to watch my daughter all I want. If you don't, I'll have my daughter wear a special bracelet to work which'll have a hidden camera in it so I can watch her every move.


Wanda Spyonmydaughter

08-14-2018, 08:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Spyonmydaughter,

Our front end manager, Mrs. Boundaries, had every right to make you leave. Watching your daughter for two hours, making her so afraid that she screwed up her job, and bothering her whenever she messed up because of you, was more than enough for him to tell you to get out.

"I hereby tell you to mind your own business. Now we understand why your daughter insisted on living with her father instead of you after the divorce. Bracelets aren't in the store's dress code, so she couldn't wear it even if you want.

But she has given me leave to tell you that her father, your ex-husband, has filed a restraining order against you on her behalf. She works every day but Saturday and Sunday, so except for those two days, you are barred from the premises.


Mr. Gates,

Save-U More Supermarket Manager.


Dear Renew You InnerBeauty Parlor,

I met my friend, Deanna Manding, for lunch at the Elegance Only restaurant, our favorite place. We love to scream at the staff and grouse about the other patrons, and the poor people outside. In fact, we love to complain about everyone and everything else. But we look beautiful, so the Elegance Only restaurant management adores us and gives us everything we ask.

Well, when Dee Manding came in to meet me, she was practically beaming. She said she'd been to a new beauty parlor yesterday, and that she'd been going for the last couple of weeks. She didn't seem too much different, just a little, and yet, she was glowing.
I immediately notice something is wrong when our waitress comes to us, and Dee apologizes to her for her previous behavior. The waitress and I are stunned. Just last month, Dee and I criticized the waitress so badly, she cried.

The more I talk to Dee, the more upset I get. She raves and raves, but when I tell her she only looks a little different, she replied, "I know, but I feel like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders. My mother, my sister, and my ex-husband all seem to enjoy my company now. They like me now, and I like that. So I have a standing appointment with the parlor every Thursday afternoon. My ex-husband even wants to start meeting on Friday nights again, like we used to do before we were married. So, I go to the parlor every Thursday afternoon.
"I've even gone back to my maiden name, Deanna Lightful. Even my ex-husband agrees that, even if we were to remarry, he thinks calling me Dee Lightful is more becoming than Dee Manding."

When she gets up to leave, she gives the waitress a fifty dollar tip, in person. When I try to argue, Dee tells me that she knew exactly what she was doing, calling it back pay for all those other tips she should've gotten from us, but never did.
I go to confront Dee, but when I see Dee, she's giving twenty dollars to a woman on the streets with a child so they can eat in the restaurant. This grubby woman and her child, not only allowed in, but permitted to eat on Dee's dime? Something's gone very wrong.

So I go to the beauty parlor, and I find Dee. I demand to know what's going on, but Dee gets called away to do her massage, and her yoga.
I talk to people, and find that this is a group of men and women who feel that they're on the wrong track and want to make improvements in themselves. For instance, a husband who is about to hit his wife, but stops himself, and starts going to the beauty parlor. When she sees the change in him, she goes along, too, and now they've never been a closer couple, they say. As if they've fallen freshly in love again after every time they leave.
I notice that virtually no significant changes are made to anyone's looks, just minor touch-ups. But the staff don't care, saying that's not the goal.
Dee comes out, barely changed but practically glowing. She finally tells me that this is the inner beauty parlor, something she says she told me before during our lunch, but I must not have heard.

Well, I grab a piece of pipe from outside and smash up the place. Everyone is shocked, and no one seemed able to react to it. But when I'm finished, they all say, "Ally, we forgive you. Can we help you now?"
I throw the pipe at someone and run from the place.

I don't approve of the brainwashing job you've done on my former friend, Dee. And I'm absolutely disgusted by this letter I got saying that I'm expected to pay for the damage and the medical bills. I'm not paying for a fraudulent beauty parlor that doesn't even . . .
I demand that you become a real beauty parlor and that you undo whatever brainwashing you've done on my friend. I don't care if the entire neighborhood loves my friend Dee Lightful. I want my Dee Manding back!

If you don't, my beauty and my money give me more than enough power in town to see to it your business license is revoked! And I want a free makeover and ten million dollars! But don't mess with my mind!


Mrs. Ally Boutmy Looks.

08-21-2018, 03:05 AM
Dear Mrs. Looks,

What you did was destruction of property. Therefore, you are banned from the beauty parlor until the bill is paid in full.


I. N. Nerbeauty

Dear Prison Warden Manager,

Where do you get off sending my daughter to death row? All she did was take the blame for my planting dynamite in a hotel building. I demand you reverse her sentence at once. If you don't, I will smash the windows of the prison buses and blame you for it.


Ann Gelicmom

10-27-2018, 09:36 PM
Dear Mrs. Gelicmom,

A new investigation shows that indeed, you are correct. Your daughter did nothing except plead guilty because you forced her to. You, however, are as guilty as sin. So we'll see what we can do to make this right. The cops are already coming for you.


Attorney General Fairman.


Dear Sprawl Mart,

We have consumed our last bit of goods at the local Misfire, and so we'd decided that the best place for us to go and stock up is your store.
We've read the reviews about ourselves. People say we're like a swarm of locusts, except that there are more of us. So many of us, in fact, that Shopper-B-Gone doesn't work on us! Not even C. E. O. strength Manager-B-Gone phases us anymore!
They say we clean out every store that we've been in, and they're right, we do. And that our buzzing sounds like "Gimmie!" in a cacophonic mass, and we've stopped to listen. Yeah, they're right about that, too.
So we went to your store, demanding our free things, as we always do. There were so many of us that we, as always, crowd out the other shoppers, and we never leave until we all get goodies for free. Every store's employees seem to fear us, and with good reason.
And yet, this time, when we get there, what do we find? The store was closed and the only people there were the four girls from Lioness Pest Control, all of them wearing protective clothing and breathers. Every door, every window, and every way in were sealed from the inside, as if the four girls didn't want anyone to go in except for themselves.
So we found the manager, who was outside the store, watching the girls act through the window in a mask, and we asked him why we couldn't go in. He trembled and was absolutely terrified of us. But he wouldn't answer, and so we all stung him. He screamed and screamed and screamed, until the girls from Lioness came out and threatened us with smoke and catnip essential oil. We couldn't stand it and broke away from him!

One of the girls took him to his car and stayed with him, using the edge of a credit card to remove the stingers. Then she used some kind of giant pen to stick him, and called 911, then drove him to the hospital.

The other three girls used the smoke and the oil to keep us at bay, then returned to the store, sealed the door, and continued their work. We got up to the window and let our "Gimmies" be heard loudly, and the girls responded with a new and more powerful form of Shopper-B-Gone! We're immune to that stuff, so this shouldn't have worked on us, but it did.

We left, driven away. We found online that their superior, Leona Pride, happens to be a chemist and that she found a way to refine Shopper-B-Gone to make it stronger against certain pests, including us. Now we're going to have to evolve all over again! And we'd learned that one of your employees read about us, heard that we were at Misfire in your town just a few days ago, and planned to come to Sprawl Mart next, told her manager, and somehow convinced the manager to call Lioness Pest Control to protect the store from us before we arrived! We're so mad we could sting, at least, those of us still alive after sacrificing our stingers to make that manager talk.

We demand that you open your store for us and give us everything inside that store for free! And we demand that you fire Lioness Pest Control and tell Leona Pride to make an antidote so she can't stop us anymore! If you don't, we'll go straight to the Bee's Knees news network. Once that hive gets going, your discriminatory ways will be exposed for all to see! And we'll file lawsuits! All two million of us. At the very least, filing for the wrongful deaths of those of us who died dealing with that snooty manager, who never did say a word to us except for his screams.

Our queen is waiting for your reply, and that's bad for you, 'cause she doesn't like to wait!


The Cult of the Free Bees. We come as a swarm to any store we please and you give us free stuff, or else . . .

10-30-2018, 04:02 PM
Dear Cult of Free Bees,

You have created such a disruption to our businesses, we have sent Bennie "The Hive Breaker" Bear to come and convince you to leave us all alone. You just might experience a disruption to your business. Also, we have warned all of the law offices in town about your impending visit. They have also hired Lioness Pest Control to keep you away from their offices.


Starling Fox
CEO of Sprawl Mart


Dear State of Georgia,

When I was sent to your state for business, I stayed in a town with the worst name. My wife, for some reason, was doubting the reason for my trip. I'm sure you can imagine how bad the argument went when I told her, "No, I'm not cheating on you. I'm in the middle of Cumming, Georgia." Her name is Ann.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to break up marriages and corrupt our youth by naming a town by such a filthy name. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

01-15-2019, 09:39 PM
Dear State of Georgia,

You have nothing to fear from Mr. Noid. We've found him and we've taken him back to the sanitarium. I found Dr. X. after Mr. Noid badly hurt him, but I saved him and he'll be back on the job in a week or two. As for Mr. Noid, his new doctor is the rugged and cruel Dr. Z, a body-builder and quite intimidating.

He has more cause to fear than you do. Just relax.


Nurse Y.


Dear Nothing But Class Theater,

I went to see Money Python's Scamalot the other day. The show, co-produced by Suzette Morning and In The Money Financial Advisors, is about mixing classic British literature with ways that businesses and conmen are out to rip you off - and how to protect yourself.

The audience laughed, except for me, at the entire show, and yet all throughout it, I noticed that they were picking up important tips. Even songs such as I Won't Stray, where Money Wassaved, Duchess of Cashwall, goes shopping with Queen Gimmiemore, teaching her to make a shopping list and never stray from it, no matter what the enticing bargains are. It was supposed to be a love song, not a protect your pocketbook song! I feel cheated!

And then it gets really, really bad in the second act. There, Money Wassaved teaches her son, Moregreen, to resist the lure of the seductive beauty Sales with her song But Do You Need It?, a song where she points out that just because it's an enticing bargain at a good price doesn't mean you should fall for it and buy it if it's not something you need in the long run.

Every verse in that song was a death blow to my business. I am a hard-working businessman who does my level best to get people to buy junk they just don't need! That's exactly why my company and profession is all about, creating needs and demand for junk that's quite worthless! I can't have some song in a play giving away my manipulative secrets! My backers won't give me any more work! I'll be ruined if the audience takes her advice!

So I pulled out my gun and tried to shoot the performers. But I missed and hit the chandelier, and wound up having it crash down right in front of me! I demand ten million dollars, the removal of the song, a re-write of the play to make it corporate-friendly and shopper-hostile, and free tickets to see the revised new show.

If you refuse, I will use every drop of my powers and my business to destroy Money Python's reputation, as well as your own.

After all, I am in the public relations business. I spread word faster than anything but bad ideas and rumors, which are also among my powers.


Mr. A. D. Vertisement.

01-25-2019, 08:16 AM
Dear Mr. Vertisement,

Enclosed is a bill for the damages you did to the theatre. Until it is paid in full, you are banned.


P. Erfomer

Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to suspend me. All I did was smoke a cigarette at my register because the rude front end manager wouldn't give me my break on time just because it was busy. I demand you reverse the suspension, allow me to smoke at my register all I want, and order the front end manager to give me my breaks on time even if it's really busy. If you don't, I will smoke in your office and then set it on fire.


Anita Smoke

04-23-2019, 10:06 AM
Dear Ms. Smoke,

Thanks to your threat, your suspension has been changed to fired. We will mail you your last paycheck since you are also banned from the store.


C. L. Eanair

Dear Federal Court Judge,

Where do you get off sentencing me to 20 years in prison? Don't you realize that's a long time to be away from my family? I demand a master key to the prison and my own personal car so I can visit my family all I want. If you don't, I will not serve my sentence.


Fam Lee Man

04-25-2019, 12:41 AM
Dear Mr. Mann,

I sentenced you to 20 years in prison for each count, not just by itself. What you tried to do with your children shocks the conscience of the court. But because of your threats, I shall have you moved to Batmax prison. If you try to escape, well, don't try . . .


Judge C. H. Eckmate.

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Dear Dance 'Till It Drops,

I went to your dance-based exercise business like I normally do, to do my fancy dancing weekly exercises. But what do I see? Among your new patrons is a fat woman, who looks absolutely disgusting! Did you see her clothes? The woman must have weighed 300 pounds!

I overheard one of your dance instructors asking her why she was coming in, she said she used to love to dance and needed to regain her confidence. She also said she'd just had a divorce from a husband who made her so depressed she gained a hundred pounds. "So now that I've lost the man, I want to lose the weight, too." And your dance instructor didn't send her away for her hideous looks or her blobs of extra skin! Oh no, he encouraged her! He worked with her on basic dance moves to work her in to getting into deeper and more physical dancing later on. Later on! She'll be back?

Well, I won't! Not if you let tubbies like her into this place. I demand that you ban the blob and any other people who weigh anything close to her! If you don't, not only am I cancelling my membership (and let's remember that I spend over a thousand dollars a month here, making me one of your most important shoppers), I'll get my friends to do the same!

And what's worse, I'll bring my nephew, an aspiring cameraman. He'll be glad to sent her allegedly working out to American's Most Disgusting Videos!

So send her out of here, or I'll expose the kind of filth you let in here to the world! This place used to be so classy. Now it's gone to the dogs! She looks so sickening, she should be locked up in a prison or something! They all should! Only thin people like me should be allowed into exercise dance studios!


Miss Hay T. Fatsos.

07-08-2019, 09:34 PM
Dear Miss Fatsos,

Feel free to cancel your membership. In fact, we'll take care of it since, unlike you, we don't judge people based on their weight.


D. Ancer

Dear Pet Store Manager,

I was buying some food for my cat who is a senior cat. However, your rude employee refused to apply the senior discount to my order just because I'm not a senior citizen even though my cat is a senior. I demand you honor the senior discount for senior pets. If you don't, I will take my business to a pet store that will do so.


Mrs. Seniorcat

07-13-2019, 01:11 AM
Dear Mrs. Seniorcat,

Your cat may be a senior, but he is not the one buying the food; you are. And since you are not a senior, you can not be given the senior discount. It's no different than buying groceries for your Grandma.

You are welcome to take your business anywhere you like, but I guarantee that nobody else offers a senior discount to young people who have elderly pets.

Tom Katz, manager,
Fur & Feathers Pet Supply

* * * * *

Dear PoshSuites Hotel manager,

I can not believe what a rip off you guys are! I booked a week's stay at your place and decided to have a little fun. I ground food into the carpet, wrote all over the walls, even dropped a few #2s on the floor. Why not? I was on vacation, it's not my responsibility to clean up!

Well, I got my credit card statement today, and you overcharged me nearly a thousand dollars! You said it was due to cleaning, but I know you were just looking to rip me off. Thieving jerks!

Either refund my money and give me an additional $500,000 on top of it, or I'll be seeing you in court.

Phil Thie-Slob

(Yes, I based that on KuariKaydrith's recent post (http://www.customerssuck.com/board/showthread.php?t=121982). It was too appalling to pass up!)

07-14-2019, 11:23 PM
Dear Mr. Thie-Slob

You call us a rip off? After what you did to our room, we had to call the health department and close for a week! So 5,000,000 are due, from you, in addition to the rest of the charges. Every other person in our hotel had to be refunded for their stays due to the smell from your actions. We have put your name on a list of clientel whom we will never rent from again.

And as for thieving, you took our television off the wall. We'd want it back, but not after the mess you've left in our room, we'd rather just charge you for a new one. We'll see you in court, complete with your letter and our photographs, and the depositions from everyone who was sickened by your misbehavior and needed their money back so they could sleep in a clean hotel.

Miss Lex Ury,
PoshSuites Hotel manager.

Dear Holiday Heaven Skiing School,

With your name, did you mean that you intended to send your students to Heaven? I went to your place to lean how to ski so I could spent the weekend with my friends up on the mountain. The problem is, I was having a wonderful time, right up until I ran into a tree. Just because I was trying to do a stunt down the hill to impress my friends that your instructor was too chicken to try and teach us, that doesn't mean I have to lose my balance, lose control, and smack into a tree! It's your instructor's fault. Now I demand my medical bills paid, a total refund of my tuition, and a full apology. And you'll have to make all my friends have crashes of their own so they'll stop laughing at me!

As I remember, while I was in the ambulance, the paramedics laughed when they heard what I'd been through. And when the medics told the doctor and the nurses, they laughed, too. I'm humiliated, and you're going to pay. If you don't, I also know a group of other students who bombed in their skiing holidays after they went to your school. We're all angry, and we'll all gladly introduce your school to some fire. It'll be dynamite!


Mr. I Never-Listen.

09-22-2019, 09:02 PM
Dear Mr Never-Listen
Well you did impress your friends didn't you? They were all very tickled by your display from the sound of it.You could repay your medical bills by doing it as some sort of paid performance.
Enclosed is the bill for the repair and replacement of one pine tree which has been a much loved part of the ski resort for many years.
PPS As a result of your antics our chalet girl Sophie had such a fit of the giggles she has had to seek medical advice for a bout of hiccups that ensued.Be glad you are not being charged her medical bills too.

Yours sincerely, Mr E.Eagle Edwards(Ski Manager)
Holiday Heaven Ski School

Dear Kreative Kiddiez Kreche
I am outraged! Your name says you are creative and yet you have gone out of your way to remove all trace of creativity from your creche.l brought my son Willibald to join in the session of singing time. The songs sung were rather boring and unimaginative l felt so all l did was teach(or try to before l was removed) some more amusing words to them. Wilibald always prefers my versions and it seemed the other kids did too . Indeed as your own staff said when l was forced to leave 'Theyve been singing that version for over half an hour now.' Clearly they found it enjoyable and there was no reason at all for you to exclaim that 'l hope their damn parents dont hear them singing that'. Children need imagination. My Willibald's creative genius may have been stifled completely. I therefore insist you pay for the therapy needed for him to recover from the trauma of seeing his father not only having his talent for lyrical wit mocked but also the humiliating experience of being barred from the creche after just one session. Despite your efforts his genius still flowers...together we composed a most amusing verse about your staff!
Mr Oldman from Nantucket

11-18-2019, 04:30 PM
Dear Mr. Oldman,

I know what you're up to. You're slipping your disgusting lyrics into innocent kids' songs. You and Hugh G. Rection are trying to corrupt our youth so they can be a generation of perverts like you and Rection.

You're day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid


Dear Officer Johnson,

I just received a concerning letter from someone named Pare A. Noid. I remembered Mr. Oldman get kicked out of the singing recital for trying to slip dirty lyrics into songs. We had nothing to do with that. I'm afraid of what this day of reckoning is, but it has both my wife Cousen and me afraid. Please don't let the Noid family get us.

We'll be hiding with another couple in Horneytown in the mean time.


Hugh G. Rection

If you need us, we'll be