View Full Version : The Customer Complaint Letter Game

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12-19-2009, 07:18 AM
In this game, you get to play the part of an annoyed customer and write a letter to management. The person below will play the part of the manager and respond to the letter and write a customer letter for the person below them.:D

Dear Mr. Manager,

I was in your store today and your employees have the worst customer service ever. I asked the supervisor if there was anyone who could open another register and she told me there was no one available. I requested that she open another register and she told me that she needed to keep an eye on the employees. I've already waited in line for twenty minutes and I do tons of business with you since I'm in the store all the time. I'm a very important customer and I shouldn't have to wait in line. If it happens again, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Customer

Lace Neil Singer
12-19-2009, 08:03 PM
I'm going to assume that sarcasm is allowed, tho obviously not actual rudeness. XD

Dear Mrs Customer,

I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience; however, the lack of collegues was due entirely to the blizzard that enveloped this part of the country. We may be able to control many things within the store, but we can't control the weather. Sorry, and hope you will continue to shop here.


Manager With Spine.

Dear Ms Manager,

I am utterly appalled at the terrible service I received at your restaurant yesterday. My son wanted waffles and your waitress refused to serve them to him, giving the pathetic excuse of them not being on the menu. I am of course a very important person with an art degree and I demand that the waitress be fired, that you send me a grovelling apology and your first born son, and also a $1000 gift card.


Mrs Speshul Snowflake

12-19-2009, 10:22 PM
Mrs Speshul Snowflake,

I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience at our establishment.

However, not only do we not have waffles on our menu, you may have noticed that we don't have any breakfast items at all on our menu.

Perhaps your first clue should have been that we don't open up until 11:00 a.m. a common opening time for restaurants that only serve lunch and dinner.

Your second clue should have been, the name of our restaurant. "Casa del Enchilada". You see, we are a Mexican restaurant, that does not offer any type of American cuisine. (Okay, maybe that should have been your first clue.)

As to your requests for compensation: My first born son? You got him! All you need to do is pick him up outside the gates of the State Prison on Tuesday! He's due to be released at 10:00 a.m. The timing of your request couldn't be better! We were so fearful he'd end up back on our doorstep!

He's 25 years old, and being released after serving the full five years of his sentence for Robbery, Burglary, and Aggravated Assault. We, his own family were amongst his victims. We tried our best to bring him up right, but there's just something wrong in his head. He's been a terrible embarrassment to my Husband, Myself, and our entire Family.

He ended up serving that full sentence, and did not get an early release for good behavior because, well, he didn't behave good in Prison. The Warden said he was one of their most troublesome Inmates. The Prison Shrink didn't merely say he'd be likely to re-offend. No. The Shrink put it as he would unlikely to not re-offend.

As far as your other two demands? No.

And fire the Waitress? No to that too. You see, this is a family owned and run establishment. The Waitress is my 93 year old Mother. She truly feels bad when she can't fulfill a Customer's request, and your reaction and attitude kept her awake with worry for an entire week, that she had let a Customer down!

Ms. Manager


Dear Sir/Ma'am,

My wife and I recently stayed at your Hotel, six months ago.

It was a most unpleasant experience. Every evening, during our entire two week stay, the people in one of the neighboring rooms partied loudly until the early hours of the next day.

Upon checking out, my Wife had me mention it to the Desk Clerk. He said something about being "very sorry" to hear that, and asked, (while he was fiddling with the computer, my Wife thought he was probably looking at porn or something) what response we had been given upon calling to to complain of these incidents. I replied that we hadn't called down, he said something about the computer confirming there had no complaints registered, according to our "Room Account".

My Wife told me to tell him that we shouldn't have had to call down. She We thought the Hotel should have just made sure the other Guests would remain reasonably quiet.

My Wife had me demand a full refund, but the Desk Clerk said "Im terribly sorry, but I'm only authorized to give a 5% maximum discount to our valued Guests when they find their experience to be less than stellar". My Wife thought he was incredibely rude!

He asked if we'd like to talk to the Manager, and I turned to my Wife and asked her, but by now she was in tears, and she said to the Desk Clerk "No, don't bother! YOU have ruined our entire vacation!

My poor, dear, Wife has been terribly distraught since this most unpleasant experience. So, She is We are renewing our demand for a full refund, Plus a complimentary two weeks for a future visit. During your City's huge Summer Festival is when we will be needing this.

We don't think we are being unreasonable, as we are very regular customers. Besides our most recent visits, we stayed there in 1985, and 1968.


I.M. Wipped


Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-19-2009, 11:13 PM
Dear Mr. Wipped:

We are very sorry to hear of your recent experience at our hotel. We certainly would've addressed the loud partiers had we been informed of them.

But now that you mention it, it is very possible our desk clerk was looking at porn on our computer. He apparently is into bestiality. We will deal with this as well.

Hotel Manager

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Dear Random Krap-Mart Corporate Suit:

I recently bought a clock radio at your store. Well, I guess I could have bought it at Wal-Mart. Or the Clearance Swamp. I'm not exactly sure, because I lost the receipt. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I bought it at Krap-Mart, because I shop there frequently and spend lots of money there. So that makes me a good customer.

I had to return the clock radio because it stopped working after I chucked it against the wall one morning to shut the alarm off. The clerk behind the service desk was extremely rude and wouldn't take it back because I didn't have the receipt. Who keeps receipts anyway these days?

I begged and pleaded for the service desk clerk to take back the clock radio and give me my refund, nicely of course. She wouldn't budge. I kept pleading my case, but then she said to me "Cram it, sunshine!"

I was so astonished I threw the clock radio at the clerk's head and stomped out.

Fire the service desk clerk and give me at least $100 in gift cards. Or else I will never shop at Krap-Mart ever again. You have my word on that as an extremely dissatisfied customer.

I.B Pissed

Lace Neil Singer
12-19-2009, 11:57 PM
Dear I.B Pissed,

Thank you so much for getting in touch with us in such a timely manner. You see, we had no idea where to send the police after we naturally called them to report you for assault, and now we do. Rest assured you will receive full bed and board at the expense of the state to compensate you.


Cool Mananger.

Dear Manager of Blue Stripy Supermarket,

I was utterly disgusted when I arrived at your store on Christmas Day to do a little shopping, only to find that it was closed! I had run out of milk and I had to go without milk in my tea for two whole days. Please can you send me a £1000 gift card, plus a full apology for this outrage.


Mrs Whinger.

12-20-2009, 01:03 AM
"timely manner" ...ha! :p

Dear Mrs. Whinger,

Please accept our condolences on your lack of family and friends to spend the holiday with. Next year, get your milk on Christmas Eve. Because we value your business so very much, we will be shipping a very large gift card, weighing 1000 pounds, just as you requested.

Head Supermarket Elf

Dear Company,

I was recently in your store and the cashier was very very rude. I was in a hurry, and she would not let me cut in front of the twenty other people on line. She told me I would have to wait. Please fire her, as this is completely unacceptable.

IM Spechal

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-20-2009, 01:51 AM
Dear Spechal:

Thank you for your letter. How did you know we were out of toilet paper?

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Dear Makers of Tiger Balm:

I ate an entire tin your product, and it burned everything below my chin clean off! You need to put a warning on your packaging telling people not to take it orally.


Ima Soo Yoo

Lace Neil Singer
12-20-2009, 01:36 PM
Dear Ima Soo Yoo,

If you look very carefully with a microscope, you will see that the small print warns that product is not to be taken internally. May I suggest going back to school in order to learn what the word "internally" means? I think it would be very useful.


Tony Tiger.

Dear Local Manager of McDonalds,

Yesterday, I took my daughter to your establishment for her birthday treat. I purchased a Happy Meal for her, and a salad for myself. My daughter informed me that the toy that was in her Happy Meal was one she already had, so I went up to the counter to exchange it. The boy we talked to, one "Laurie" as his name badge stated, refused to do so. I was utterly disgusted. How could he be so cruel to a little girl like that? I demand that he be fired, and that my daughter be amply compensated for having her birthday completely ruined.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Pushy Mother.

12-21-2009, 01:51 AM
Dear Mrs. Mother,

The reason why "Laurie" refused to exchange the toy, is because that is the only one left in stock. We will also most assuredly speak to "Laurie", as he is my son, and he has these fantasies of becoming a woman. "Laurie" is actually "Kevin". Thank you for bringing this to my attention. He will be dealt with as swiftly as possible.


Mr. Manager.


Dear "Rite-Green-VS" Pharmacist,

I am a 72 year old woman who is absolutely outraged at the treatment I received at your pharmacy. I had to double park in the firelane because some idiot stole MY usual parking spot, the one next to the door with the handicapped symbol painted on the wall in front! I threw my empty bottle at the pharmacy tech behind the counter, who was playing with that stupid computer, and DEMANDED of her to fill my pills THIS INSTANT. The next thing I know, I was being carted out the door in handcuffs with some hideous looking lady cop telling me my rights! What right do you have to treat a 72 year old woman this way? I have a cane! I deserve some respect!

I demand compensation in the form of an immediate $10,000 gift card, the $2,500 it took to secure my bond and pay my parking ticket and free prescriptions for the rest of my life. If that pharmacist wasn't playing on the computer I would not have thrown my pill bottle at her! If you do not give me what I want, I will take my business away from your establishment!

Horribly yours,

Mrs. Ima Hagg

12-21-2009, 03:51 AM
Dear Mrs. Hagg,

We would sincerely like to thank you for the video footage of your arrest. It has become quite the hit during break time and pharmacy holiday parties. One of our interns even created a musical score for it in his spare time.

We hope your upcoming court proceedings go well, and justice is served. Please keep in mind we will be very happy to let the prison health care officials know of your various prescriptions.

Happy Holidays!

Dearest regards,

the pharmacy team

Dear Retail Store Manager,

I was simply trying to buy a new tee-shirt the other day when I was informed that the area with woman's tees was off limits due to damage from a fire. When I tried to make my way to the tee shirts, I was stopped not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!! Then they told I had to leave that section of the store! When I made my displeasure of this known, they had security KICK ME OUT! And when I tried to re-enter the store they threatened to call the police! I will have you know that I have been shopping at your store for FIFTEEN YEARS and now will never again do so.

I might be swayed however, with a $1,000 gift card and a written apology.


Canna Readsigns

Lace Neil Singer
12-21-2009, 07:06 PM
Dear Ms Readsigns,

Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want. However, feel free to come and loot the burned out husk of our store; tho you'll be hard pressed to get anything after our dispossessed staff have been there.


Transferred To Another Branch

Dear Pet Store Manager,

I went into your store today with my mischievious twin boys. Since I had other shopping to attend to in the mall, I left my sons in your store so they could look at the animals while I shopped. I was incensed when there came over the mall tannoy an announcement asking me to return to your store to collect my sons. I have never been so humiliated in all my life, and I demand a gift card or I will never shop in your store again.


Ima Badmother.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-21-2009, 07:19 PM
Dear Badmother:

Thank you for informing us of your issue, and for providing us your address to send the giftcard to. CPS is on their way.

Pet Store Corporate Drone #4F2-917GK

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Dear Shameless Peddlers of Filth:

When reading your magazines, I do not notice one wrinkled face, liver spot, or toothless grin. You perverts ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

To the people of Cosmopolitan Magazine, from some crotchety old fart

Lace Neil Singer
12-21-2009, 07:39 PM
Dear Crotchety Old Fart,

You must have not noticed the GILF magazines that our sister company provides; in order to correct this gaping error, I am sending you our latest issue along with a year's prescription. Enjoy.

Yours Sincerely,

Cosmopolitan Magazine

Dear Pizza Place,

I noticed that one of the workers in the shop has blue hair. This is disgraceful and I am quite shocked. Please do something about this at once.


Mr Oldgit.

Ironclad Alibi
12-21-2009, 10:16 PM
Dear Mr. Oldgit,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have taken steps to ensure all of our employees have the regulation blue hair according to our corporate standards.

Blue Hair Pizza Shop Manager.


Dear Lions Club President,

I paid $5 to attend your fund raising Bazaar last week. I did not not see a single lion in the entire show. I feel ripped off. I want a full refund.

A. Nitpicker

Lace Neil Singer
12-21-2009, 10:45 PM
Dear Mr Nitpicker,

We have asked Simba, the lion president of our club if he would consider refunding your money; he growled at us and attempted to eat us. So I'm afraid the answer must be no. Note also that our club is a club for lions, not a lion show, so there was no false advertising. If you wish to dispute this, please feel free to come and speak to Simba in person. He would love to meet you.


Human President Of Lions Club

Dear Supermarket manager,

I demand that you play Christian music instore instead of that dreadful Christmas popular music you insist on playing. By doing so, you are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Yours sincerely,

Moaning Minnie.

12-22-2009, 02:20 AM
Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want.

Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

Back on topic.

Dear Ms. Minnie,

We apologize, but most of our staff is Pagan or Satanist and I am Jewish. We do not appreciate you stomping on OUR rights to enjoy OUR holidays. Christmas is based on several pagan solar day festivals, such as Saturnalia, Yuletide and the birth of Mithras on December 25. Due to the lack of suitable pagan songs for the occasion, we have to make do with what we have. If you are still not satisfied, we have earplugs in aisle 12, or several CDs of lovely music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, along with CD players and batteries, in aisle 24.

Happy Hanukah and Blessed Solstice,

Chaim David.


Dear Burger Hut,

I find your slogan, "Coz it's there" to be highly offensive. As both a popular author and renowned teacher at Big Honking University, the spelling of the word "Coz" to annoy my delicate sensitivities. The phrase should be "Because it's there" to be grammatically correct. I wish for this glaring typo to be fixed or I will advertise a chain wide boycott on my blog, Facebook and Twitter pages.

With warm regards,

John Derriere

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-22-2009, 02:30 AM
Dear Mr. Derriere:

Thank you for bringing this error to our attention. To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Burger The Hut

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Dear Big Stu's House of Clothes N' Stuff:

I bought a powder blue tuxedo from you in 1977. I went to put the tuxedo on this evening, because it's Prime Rib night at the supper club and I wanted to wear something special, and the pants split right in the seat!

"One Size Fits All" my butt! I may have gained about 60 pounds since I last wore that tuxedo, but that does not excuse you from selling an obviously defective product.

Gimme a refund for the tuxedo since I cannot wear it anymore, and store credit or else I'll take my business to The Plaid Palace from now on.

Hubert Jass

12-22-2009, 10:36 AM
To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"
Idiocracy FTW! :D

Dear Mr. Jass,

Regarding your request: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


And good luck taking your business to the Plaid Palace, as they closed down in 1985.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Big Stu

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Shop Mart,

I was in your store yesterday, waiting in line to buy a cartful of stuff, when the customer in front of me grabbed his chest, gasped and slumped to the floor. Several employees and managers swarmed all around him, making calls on the cellphone and pumping his chest. Fifteen minutes later, two paramedics had put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out of the store.

Meanwhile, I was ignored! I am a loyal customer of two months, waiting to purchase lots of things, and I was pushed aside for you to tend to that drama queen! How dare you ignore a paying customer!

I am outraged at your insensitivity, and I won't return to your store unless you give me a $10,000 gift card and free gasoline for a year.

Ann Titlement-Whore

12-22-2009, 01:33 PM
Dear Mrs Titlement-Whore

I'm sorry that you think that you feel that you were inconvenienced in this way and that you think that your shopping is more important than trying to prevent the death of our other paying customers.

After consideration I have decided that there is no way in hell that I am going to give you, who thinks that it was insensitive to attend to someone in distress rather than treat you like the princess that you are, what you want. So clear off somewhere else.

Shop Mart

Dear Superstore Manager

I attended your closing down sale and was outraged to discover that everything was ONLY 60% off! When a store closes you should pass it on to your customers! Yes I along with many others stopped attending your store to go to the cheaper competitors store down the road several years ago, but when we found out you were closing we came here to see what bargains we could pick up on the cheap, and we were all angry to discover that even when you are closing forever, you still weren't prepared to put your customers first at the expense of everything else.

I demand a full apology for the distress this caused me or I will never shop with you again, and I mean it!


A. Skinflint.

12-22-2009, 07:24 PM
Dear Skinflint,

Before I address your concerns I have a few of my own. Primarily, how the hell did you get my home address?

The store closed down three months ago, with all new mail being delivered to corporate, yet I wake up to find this among my Holiday cards. I'm actually quite scared at the moment.

It truly saddens me to hear you will not be shopping at our store anymore. Almost as much as it saddens me that no one will be shopping at our store anymore. As it has been closed, for three months.

Thank you for your completely empty threat;
Ms. Manager

To the management of Belle's Gowns and Dresses;

The other day I went to your store to purchase a size 9 ballgown to wear to my sister's holiday party. I was shocked to find that NONE of your size 9 dresses fit.

I demanded the sales girl search the store for a size 9 that would fit me, and she has the audacity to tell me to try on a size 11. ELEVEN

I am not some bloated cow who doesn't know how to put away the fork when she sees a slice of cake, no matter what the snotty brats you employ may think. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

I demand a full apology in the form for a minute long TV spot during the Super Bowl, a $100,000,000 gift certificate, the immediate extermination of that horrible sales girl, and a lovely size 9 gown for free. And this one had better fit.

My brother's wife's best friend's hairdresser knows the secretary of the biggest law firm in town. If you don't give into my totally reasonable demands, I will sue you for everything you are worth.

Suevera Huffy

Lace Neil Singer
12-22-2009, 09:46 PM
Dear Ms Huffy,

Enclosed is a size 9 tag, a needle and a reel of cotton. Please feel free to sew the tag into whichever size dress you choose to purchase. I trust that is satisfactory.


Mrs Manager.

Dear Card Shop Manager,

I bought my son a helium balloon from your store. When we went outside, he let go the string and the balloon went into the sky. Your shop assistant was very rude and would not give us a free balloon to replace the one that was lost. I hope she's satisfied; she has ruined my son's entire life and he will require years of therapy due to this incident. I demand that you fire this witch or I will sue you for everything you have.

Yours sincerely,

Helle Copterparent.

Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

Shakespeare is always ftw. XD

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-22-2009, 10:34 PM
Dear Helle:

I live in a cardboard box. Your threat does not scare me in any way.

Card Shop Manager, who must've been downsized but hasn't been informed of this yet.

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Dear Shop Mart:

I was in your store the other day buying some last-minute Hanukkah gifts, and the putz checking me out told me "Merry Christmas."

Oy gevalt! I was buying a Jenga game and an MP3 player! How could she not know I'm Jewish.

What a schlemiel she your cashier is! I demand you fire her! Now I'm all verklempt!

Hymen Hyman

12-23-2009, 05:35 AM
(This looks like fun)

Dear Mr Hymen Hymen,

Since you seem so offended at the idea of someone wishing you a Merry Christmas, than have a crappy Christmas and a shitty new year.

Sincerely, Shop Mart Manager.

Dear Gas Mart

Three months ago when I was on vacation in Las Vegas, I bought a bag of chips worth 99 cents with a dollar bill at your store and the clerk never offered my one penny in change. I demand that my change be airmailed back to my home across the state or I will make sure to never set foot in your store again.

Signed, Jack Kass.

12-23-2009, 11:26 AM
Dear Mr. Kass,

See this stamp on the top of your envelope? That is your one penny. Now please go and donate that same penny to a child who could use it.

Sincerely, Gas Mart Peon.

Dear Large Supermarket,

I was at the checkout the other day and the person who served me wore a Muslim headscarf and was offended at having to touch pork! I demand that you fire or place her out of sight as we are a Christian nation and no Muslim person should be allowed to work at a checkout...


Miss Ray Cist.

12-23-2009, 03:54 PM
Miss Cist,

You may want to re read your bible, particularly the part about loving your neighbor. I don't think Jesus would condone firing a cashier of a different faith.

Sincerely, a non Christian Manager.

PS: Are you going to demand my termination now that I said I wasn't Christian?

Dear Burger King.

I went to your restaurant to purchase a Whopper. Everyone laughed at me! When the manager came, he told me they don't serve whoppers there, saying something about a "big mac". I demand that everyone of your employees at that restaurant be fired for their rude behavior! Since when do they stop serving whoppers?

Yours truely,

Moe Ron.

(Can you guess what happened to this guy?)

Lace Neil Singer
12-23-2009, 09:48 PM
Dear Mr Ron,

I believe your problem could be solved if you'd gone to the opticions before heading off to purchase fast food. A new pair of glasses could solve the problem you had when you mistook McDonalds for Burger King .

Yours sincerely,

Mr Manager.

Dear Crapmart Manager,

I went to buy cigarettes at the kiosk today and the girl had the nerve to ask me for ID. I am sure that she only asked me for ID cuz I'm black. I demand that this racist clerk be fired at once.


Ms Racecardpuller.

12-23-2009, 11:50 PM
Dear Ms. Racecardpuller,

if you look under 25 our staff have to ask. It's the same whether you are white, black or blue with pink spots. I regret to have to inform you that on this occasion your race card has been declined.

Yours sincerely,
Crapmart Manager

Dear Manager,

I had come out of the post office when I saw one of your employees across the street, so I went over to him to ask him about one of the promotions that you are doing. Before I had finished talking to him a car pulled up and he got inside. I informed him that I hadn't finished and wanted more information he said that he had to go as he was going to a funeral.

How dare he think that anything is more important than talking to his customers! He clearly doesn't know anything about customer service so he should be fired and I should receive a £500 gift voucher for my inconvenience.


A.N. Idiot.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-25-2009, 02:23 AM
Dear Idiot:

Thank you for informing us of your issue. Rest assured, we have addressed it to your satisfaction. We dragged that particular employee's direct manager out of his office and beat him to death. The funeral is Tuesday.

Some Suit

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Dear Fun-O-Rama Toys:

I recently purchased one of your Really Really Flatulent Man action figures for my son. Like many young boys, he is into all those super heroes with the punching and the kicking and the pulling of the hair and the blaster rays and all that.

My son thought the action figure would make him fly, so he climbed up to the third-floor balcony, held the action figure over his head, and jumped off. He's dead now.

Give me a coupon for a free toy of my choice and put warnings on the action figures telling people they will not make them fly, or else I will sue you back to the stone age.

N.O. Brain

12-25-2009, 06:04 AM
Dear No Brain,

We have much sympathy for your loss. However, we cannot be held responsible for your son's belief that he and the toy could fly, as being a parent requires you to monitor and teach your son. We sincerely hope that you never yourself insinuated that humans can fly.

Dear Lubes And Leaks,

I went to your station to have my oil changed because I'm new in town. The tech had the nerve to tell me that I needed to take better care of getting my oil changed, because the engine was smoking when I rolled the car in and the little oil that was in there was black and sticky.

They then proceeded to make me feel like an idiot by trying to recommend a transmission flush, because my fluid was darker than a super plus tampon on day 5 of my period. I told them I hadn't a clue that there was fluid for that, and how dare they try to upsell when all I want is an oil change!

Because I'm cheap and stubborn, all I wanted was the "Quick and Wet" package, where they just change your oil and check your fluids. I think they should top them off or flush them for free!

Now, a year later, my car doesn't run.

I demand a new car from Lubes and Leaks!

Ridin The Cotton Pony

12-26-2009, 09:56 PM
Dear Ms Pony-

I'm sorry to hear of the bad experience you had with us. However upon an investigation of the incident you described, we've determined that the cause of the demise of your vehicle is not with any fault on the part of our employees and is, in fact, due to a PEBSAS error.

To be more precise, Problem Exists Between Steering wheel and Seat.

Might we suggest taking public transportation from now on, as we are at liberty to contact every automotive dealer within a 100 mile radius and have you placed on the "Do Not Sell To " list.


G.E.T. Bent
VP - Lubes and Leaks Corporate Office


Dear Garden of Eden Toys-

I was recently in your store in Doucheville on 12-24 and was not able to find the Strawberry Licorice flavored lube cream, nor was I able to find the matching body spray. Your salesperson was most unhelpful, simply shrugging her hairy shoulders and saying "Well, it's Christmas Eve and we've sold out."

Not acceptable. I wanted the Strawberry Licorice cream specifically 'cause it's the one flavor that doesn't leave an aftertaste and it's the only one my partner likes. So now my Christmas is ruined and I've had to go without any from my partner. Not even the John Holmes Footlong vibrating toy could get me out of my mood . . .

I demand as compensation a truckload of the strawberry licorice cream, a $1,000,000 gift card, a spot on the Board of Directors and also your retirment pension. And if I don't get what I want, I'll tell everybody on Facebook and MySpace not to shop at your stores.

Miss B. N. Laid . . .

12-27-2009, 02:14 AM
(I'm laughing so hard from the letter that I have tears falling down my face.)

Dear Miss B. N. Laid,

We apologize for the lack of sex received on Christmas. I also like to point out that your husband would not have wanted to sleep with you on that night because he was with me all night. For your inconvenience I will be mailing you the divorce papers from your husband and you will never have to worry about there not being any more...uh...Strawberry Licorice flavored lube cream.

The Store Manager

************************************************** ************

Dear Vet Hospital,

I went to get medication for my kitty at your clinic. Since I had not called I was informed that I would have to actually wait because they were busy with the 50 other people in the lobby. I had to wait an entire ten minutes to get my medication. And to make things worse your receptionist would not make the other clients take their dogs outside. I had to actually look at those slobbering mangy creatures while I waited! I demand that you compensate me with a $100 gift card and make dog owners wait outside in the -15 degree weather when I come in from now on.

Anita Meds

Lace Neil Singer
12-27-2009, 07:04 PM
Dear Mrs Meds,

Thank you for your letter. However, I discussed this issue with my little Snookums; a pure bred Shitzu. He showed quite clearly that he disapproves of your demands and that he wished you to be barred from the clinic. I am quite happy to carry out his wishes, as I do in fact walk Snookums with many of the dog owners you insulted. Therefore, I prefer to take their side over yours.

Have a nice day,

Top Vet

Dear Crapmart Manager,

I came to the door at just five minutes past closing time. Imagine my horror when the jumped up bitch of a shop assistant refused to let me in. She should realise that it's customers like myself who pay her wages and quit giving out such terrible customer service. There were loads of customers inside, so I really don't understand why it was too much to ask for her to let me in as all I wanted was milk for my babies. I would like a gift card, or else I will never shop in your store again.

Yours sincerely,

I. Cantelltime.

12-27-2009, 08:56 PM
Dear Cantelltime,

Our store policy states that no customers are allowed in after closing under any circumstances. The reason for this is because someone got in after closing, broke into the cash room, and stole all the money from the tills. Also, the customers that were in the store came before closing time. Therefore, your request for a gift card is denied.


Store Manager

Dear Ms. Manager,

I was in your store today and your employee Alicia was very rude to me. I requested that she help me find something I needed and she told me that she was off the clock and tried to pass me off to another employee. I told her that I was a mystery shopper and I didn't tolerate her rudeness. I want you to talk to Alicia about the importance of customer service and I will be mentioning her rude behavior in my mystery shopper report.


Miss Terry Shopper

12-28-2009, 10:50 PM
Dear Miss Terry Shopper,

Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, we were closed today for defumigation, and we do not have, nor have we ever had, anyone called Alicia in our employment. Your letter wasn't a complete waste though, since I was out of kindling for my fire.

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Manager (no relation)

Dear Head Office,

I was in your shop the other day, and was simply outraged by the level of service I received. I had just found my new perfect £10000 television, when I noticed a small dent in the box caused by me picking it up. Naturally, I asked for a 99.9% discount, which I'm sure you'll agree is reasonable given the condition, only to be flatly refused. Now I'm a reasonable man, and would have settled for 99.8% off, but there wasn't even an attempt at a compromise by the underlings in this store, except for a derisory 5% offer. I demand you fire them all, and send me the contents of your warehouse in compensation.

Kind Regards,

Honour Creditt-Cardagain.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-28-2009, 11:45 PM
Dear Credit-Cardagain:

I would like to apologize for the rude treatment your received in our store, and promise we will deliver to you the contents of our warehouse.

However, all our delivery trucks are currently in the shop, so we've contracted with the United States Air Force to have everything airlifted by cargo transport planes and dropped in the general vicinity of your residence. So unfortunately our aim may be off a few times. However, a good many items should hit their target exactly. Hope your roof is sturdy.

Head Office

================================================== ================

Dear Pet Shop:

You sold my brother a snake, and he ate my hamster! Give me whatever animal it is that eats snakes.

Go to hell,
Ima Bratt

Lace Neil Singer
12-29-2009, 12:11 AM
Dear Ima Bratt,

Sending you a crocodile. Either he eats your brother's snake, or he eats you. Either suits me.


Pet Shop Drone.

Dear Meat Feast Steakhouse Manager,

I went to your restaurant and was appalled to find that you had only two vegetarian options. This is disgraceful; you should have an entire menu devoted to the more healthy and less cruel vegetarian lifestyle. I demand that you do this, or else I will boycott your restaurant and so will all my friends, my friends' families and my friends' families' tennis partners.

Yours annoyedly,

Peta Member. (Ms)

12-29-2009, 10:30 PM
Dear Ms Peta Member-

We're sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction during your visit to our restuarant. We strive to satisfy all of our patrons and try our best to meet various dietary needs and/or preferences.

However, that being said, our primary clientele prefers a meat-based menu. We already have several items on our menu already that should satisfy the vegan/vegetarian preferences.

Or better yet . . . have a cow on me, which should be delivered via Ralph's Livestock Services within the next 7 to 10 business days.

Mabel MouMou (pronounced Moo-Moo)
Regional VP

Dear Pansy's Petite Palace-

I was visiting your store in Dumbasse, VA last Monday (12-21-09) and was appalled at the lack of clothing sizes for taller persons.

Being a taller person (6'2") I could not find a single thing to wear in your store. This is unacceptable and redeculous. I demand you start selling clothes for taller peoples.

Besides, your salespeople are rude as Hell . . . some pock-faced kid named Sheila (if that's in fact her real name) rolled her eyes at me and told me to go to the Tall Shop across the mall. I don't wanna walk all that way and want to buy clothes for me while I'm there . . .

At least with short people they can buy longer clothes and hem them up.

I want a $25000 gift card, an official letter of apology from "Sheila" (I'm still not sure if that's her real name or just some alias she made up) and I want at least 20% of your company's stock. And if I don't get any of that, then I'm gonna report you to the news media, the BBB and the Department of Justice.


Ida Totalloon

12-30-2009, 05:41 AM
Dear Mrs totalloon,

It looks like you've found us out. You see, "Shelia" is a very valuable asset to us who is wanted by many terrorist groups and international spies. If her cover is blown, we could be looking at a code red national emergancy. Therefore, in order to make sure you don't blow her cover, we will comply with your demands. However, don't be surprised if we need your assistance with future missions.

Signed, Chuck Bartoski.

Dear Colgate,

I bought your colgate toothpaste, the one with tarter control, and it made me feel like a piece of shit!

Signed, Danny Tourettes.

Lace Neil Singer
12-30-2009, 09:54 AM
Dear Mr Tourettes,

I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience with us. Please accept a lorry load of Colgate on us.

Yours sincerely,


Dear Petrol Station Manager,

Picture the scene. It's New Year's Eve, and I'm on my way to a party. I decide to stop over on the way to the local petrol station to fill my car. Imagine my horror when I see that the entrance is blocked off with cones. It's only seven o'clock! I then drive round to the back entrance. I try to use a pump, but it's locked up. I can see the employees thru the window in the shop, so they're obviously still working. Besides, everyone knows that shop assistants don't have lives. I try and get their attention by getting out my car and banging on the window, but they ignore me. This is disgraceful! I demand that the employees be punished for closing up so early, and also I should get free petrol for the whole of next year.


Mr. Robin Meeblind

01-02-2010, 12:23 AM
Dear Mr Meeblind,
I am VERY sorry to hear of your troubles...seems that a lack of planning on your part is affecting my own employees personal time. I will personally make sure that they fill your gas for the whole part of next year...PLEASE make sure to come around on tuesdays. Also known as "all you can eat bean buffet" day at the mexican restruant next door.

kindly yours, Manager.


Dear big box store

I went into your store at 10pm christmas eve looking for a Wii, and was shocked and APPALED to find that not only were you sold out, but was so RUDELY informed that you were closing! I DEMAND that you not only give me 20 free Wiis but also a $25,000 gift card for my troubles and for RUINING my christmas or I'll boycott your store and tell all my friends on my myspace AND facebook!

Emerald Whittiker

01-02-2010, 05:28 AM
Dear Mr Whittiker,

Have you ever seen the movie "Jingle all the Way" staring Arnold Schwarzenegger? This movie might enlighten you as to why you don't want to do your Christmas shopping for the hottest gifts on Christmas Eve, especially at 10:00pm.

I'm not going to give you any Wii's or gift card, but I will give you the movie. It didn't do so well in the box office, but I thought it was funny. You might find it educational.

Sincerely, smart ass manager.

To mini mart

Your clerk was very rude to me after I had purchased a scratch off lottery ticket from your store in losersville. I specifically asked him for the winning ticket worth $100,000 but the ticket he gave me was a losing ticket! As if that wasn't bad enough, when I went to return it to get my money back, he laughed at me! He made me feel like it was my fault when it was him who didn't give me the right ticket.

I demand that clerk be fired, and I also demand that I get the winning ticket worth $100,000. If I don't get what I payed for, I will post my complaint on every consumer complaint website and let the world know what kind of fraud you run.

Louis Sir,

01-03-2010, 04:17 AM
Dear Mr. Sir,

I apologize for the clerk laughing at you for requesting a return on your lottery ticket. I will take care of that situation. Also, when you buy scratch offs, you're gambling which means that no one knows where the winning ticket is. Our store policy is that we're not allowed to refund lottery tickets when they lose so the money you spent on the ticket went down the drain.


Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I saw a young man at the register with his light off so I went over there, put my stuff on the belt, and he had the nerve to tell me he was closed. I told him that I wasn't moving and he had to ring me up. A supervisor came over and told me that he was leaving since he was a minor and couldn't work past a certain time. I find this unacceptable and demand that you force all your employees to be available for all hours that your store is open and fire the ones that can't.


Shopping Queen

Lace Neil Singer
01-04-2010, 06:19 PM
Dear Shopping Queen,

That young man you bitched at is my son. As a result, you are banned from every one of our stores.

Good Day.

Supermarket Manager.

Dear Restaurant Owner,

I went into your restaurant and was incensed to see a group of your waitstaff sitting at a table eating dinner. How dare they when there are customers waiting to be served? I had to wait a whole minute before someone came to seat me, and then another minute before I got some service. I demand you talk to your staff and teach them some respect for those who pay their wages, ie myself and other customers.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs I M Speshul.

01-05-2010, 12:37 AM
Dear Mrs. Speshul,

Wow, I am impressed! It sounds like you know so much about customer service, and how a business should be run. I am willing to offer you a full time job, as a server. We'll play along to your rules, though: No dinner or any other breaks during your shift, and you must approach all customers within a millisecond. Oh, and you'll be working open-close, seven days a week.

I look forward to seeing how well you do!


Restaurant Owner

Deer Manujur,

I wuz att yore storr yestiday an I neded a baffroom. I aksed teh emmploii annd hee sed rite ovur theyr undur teh siyn taht sed Restrooms. Wel I caint reed annd I doeznt theenk itz rite 2 maek yore cuztmers haff 2 reed! I wanna millin dollas 4 mah trubble!

L. Itterate

01-05-2010, 12:59 AM
Dear Mr. L. Itterate-

I'm sorry to hear you had so much difficulty. I'm sending to you a beginner's reader book . . . Read With Dick and Jane.

And also a Webster's Dictionary. Please accept with our warmest regards-

Ms. Speekenspell Wright
Regional VP

Dear FoodMart . .

I was in your store on Christmas Eve and was told you were closing. NOT FAIR . . . I wasn't even done with my shopping yet and now because you dared to close at 5:58 pm (which is what my watch said, while your employee said it was after 6)

I still had to get all my dinner stuff for the 90 relatives that are staying with me for the holidays, so we ended up having to starve with NO CHRISTMAS DINNER because I couldn't come in and get what I needed when I needed it.

I demand a $1000 gift card and a year's worth of free groceries before I will consider shopping in your store again.


Ms. Cant Telltime

01-05-2010, 01:03 AM
Dear Ms. Itterate,

I apologize, my employees have never encountered a LOLcat in person. Next time they will be better equipped to handle your special needs.


M. Ann Ager



Cap S. Locke

Lace Neil Singer
01-06-2010, 07:10 PM
Dear Mr Locke,

I think you should know that someone with obvious mental instabilities is using your email address. If you have any concerns, I suggest you contact your internet service provider.

Yours Sincerely,

Miss Manager.


Dear Ms Cant Telltime,

Repeat after me; a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. The store runs on Greenwich Mean Time, not Customer Standard Time, so the time for closing was correct. Sorry for any inconvienience.


Foodmart Drone.

Dear Cinema Manager,

I took my toddler to see Avatar in your cinema last Friday. He started talking to me halfway thru due to being bored so I naturally answered back. I was incensed to be told by one of your ushers that I had to leave due to complaints by some other people in the cinema. I had every right to be there; I demand that you fire this usher and ban the people who complained for life. I would also like free tickets to make up for my bad experience.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Mona Lott

01-08-2010, 08:09 PM
Dear Ms. Lott;

I'm sorry, but I can only ban two people from the theatre a month. So it's impossible for me to ban all those people for you.

On a similar note, you and your son are banned from the cinemas.

Enjoy watching TV;
Ms. Manager

Dear Happy Clown Entertainment Agency;

My darling prince of a boy Johnny only wanted two things for his birthday. A clown at his party, and a high powered rifle.

I think it's HORRIBLY unprofessional of the man you sent, one Mr. Jingles, to have tried to leave before the party was over.

He demanded I drive him to the Emergency Room because he was bleeding. He really shouldn't have been standing in front of my little angel when Johnny was shooting things.

I of course was not going to leave my little Messiah alone to run some two-bit entertainer halfway across town during the middle of his birthday party.

I demand you send me 10 clowns to my next party for free. Also I want to the family of the Late Mr. Jingles to pay me for the emotional trauma Johnny had to suffer watching his birthday clown die.

Mai Sonsakilla

01-10-2010, 12:29 AM
Dear Mai Sonsakilla,

I am sorry to hear of the experience you had with the late Mr.Jingles at your son's birthday party. However, due to the fact that YOUR kid shot one of our most valued staff members (Mr.Jingles), we will begin taking legal action against you. We believe that YOU should be the one to pay the family of the late Mr. Jingles for the emotional trauma your son caused with his carelessness. Further more, you refused to have Mr.Jingles taken to a hospital to be treated for his injuries, so we will not give you 10 clowns to your next party for free. You will also be blacklisted in our business and we will make sure to black list you with Happy Clown Entertainment Agency and any other subsidiaries.


B'Ann Forlyfe

================================================== =======

Dear MY ISP,

I called your Tier 1 Tech Support line last night because I got a blue screen on my computer and it wouldn't do anything else. The rep refused to help me and kept saying that my issue was outside of support and that I had to call my computer's manufacturer! I pay for your service, why should I have to call my computer's manufacturer to get this resolved?!! Fire this rude rep and give me free service for life!


Ima Computer-Dummy

01-10-2010, 01:45 AM
Dear Ima Computer-Dummy:

We're sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction with our services however after a review of the customer service call it was determined that the best course of action to resolve this issue is to simply have you box up your computer and set it out on the side of the road in front of your house for pick up. Your computer will then be picked up and adopted to a new home, as yours is no longer suitable for habitation.

As far as the request for free service for life goes: we've determined that in the best interest of all concerned that as you won't have a computer any longer, the subject of free internet access is moot.


I R Smart

Dear Local Phone Company-

I tried calling your 1-800 number expecting to receive the outstanding customer service your commercials advertised but instead was treated rudely by one of your reps.

"Alice" refused to give me what I wanted in the form of a discount. She also said I owed $700 on my wireless bill because of texting and pics.

I was not informed that I had a charge for texts and picture emails, so therefore I'm not required to pay the bill. Besides, this was on my daughter's phone and that was the number I asked that the features be disabled on. I demanded a supervisor who would take these charges off, but was told there were none available.

I demand that these charges be reversed, as I am not made of money nor did I request these features to be added on my unlimited plan. I also want a new iPhone for no charge to compensate me for my troubles.

Ida Lazyparent

01-12-2010, 07:05 AM
Dear Ida Lazyparent,

I'm afraid that your not reading the rules doesn't exempt you from paying your bill. However, we will allow you to pay $100 per month for the texting and pics until the full $700 is paid.

You also have to teach your daughter how to use her phone responsibly. Therefore, your request for a new iphone is denied.


Phone Manager

Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

I went into one of your shops this morning and ordered a venti mocha and the employee had the nerve to tell me that they were out of mocha. You can't run out of items if you want to keep your customers. I requested that the supervisor check in the back and she refused. I want the supervisor and employee fired for being rude to me and refusing to keep my mocha stocked. Also, I threw a coffee mug at them and stormed out. The supervisor followed me out and told me that if I came back she would have me arrested for trespassing. I shoved her into the glass window and drove off. I also want a book of coupons for free coffee for the inconvenience.


Moe Cha

01-13-2010, 12:57 AM
Dear Mr. Cha,

If you would kindly provide your address, we will have the local police personally deliver some coupons, when they come to arrest you for assault. The coupons should still be good when you get out of jail.

Starbuck T. Horton


Dear Electronics Store,

I was shopping in the mall yesterday and left my 3-year-old twins in your store to watch the cartoons that were playing on your display TVs. They were only there for a few hours, but when I came back they were gone! I was informed by the manager on duty that the police and child protective services had come and taken them away! This inconvenience made me miss my hair appointment with Francios. I won't be able to get another appointment for months! Your manager should be fired for causing me such trouble.

I.M. Portant

01-13-2010, 01:21 AM
Dear Mrs. Portant,

It's quite obvious to us what you think most important in your life. And your children are not on the top of that list.

Don't worry though, we talking to Francois. You will not have to wait months for another appointment, because he refuses to style your hair again.

T.V. Salsmon
Big Box Entertainment, and Mall Manager

To the Owner of the Black Horse Pub;

I would like you to fire the girl you had bartending last night. Not only did she refuse to give me a 22nd shot of Tequila, though I still had the money, but she tried to tell me that the pub was closing and I would have to leave. I have a been a regular at this par for almost three weeks, I should be able to sleep here if I want.

She then told me that I shouldn't drive home, and tried to take my keys. I gave her a good knock in the face, breaking her nose. Then ran to my car and sped off, right into a lightpole.

I am now paraliyzed from the neck down. I demand that you fire that horrible girl, and allow me to drink for free as much as I want at your pub until I die.

Dah Runkard

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-13-2010, 02:54 AM
Dear Runkard:

How's the saying go? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor? And you had 21 shots of the stuff? Christ, you must've been halfway to China! No wonder you're paralyzed from the neck down!

Regardless, I must town down your request for free drinks for life. But this is for your own good. It must be pretty difficult to use the bathroom in your state.

As for the bartender, I think we'll keep her. Oops, that's supposed to be private. Did I actually write that first part? I gotta think of a lie fast! Ummm, uhhh...our personnel decisions are handled internally and are kept private from the public. Yeah, that's it.

Black Horse Pub

================================================== ==============

Dear Walgreens Pharmacy:

I went to your pharmacy yesterday to purchase some Viagra. When I arrived at the counter, the rude young lady behind it gave me some cock-and-bull story about needing a prescription to buy Viagra.

She's obviously lying. Why would I need a prescription for the stuff if it's advertised on TV?

I demand you make Viagra available over the counter, or else I will be suing you for everything my wife takes me for when she divorces me. She's been complaining about my performance for years now, and now that I think of it, my daughter has the mailman's eyes.

I.M. Potent

01-13-2010, 05:38 PM
Dear Mr. I.M. Potent,

The decision to make prescription drugs over the counter lies with the pharmaceutical companies and the Food and Drug Administration, not individual drugstores.

Oh, and the mailman is totally innocent. I know for a fact that I am your daughter's father. :devil:

Jack Casanova, Manager

Dear Manager,

I was buying a candy bar the other day from your casheir Jennie. She took my money and called the police, said some ridikulous thing like Georg Washington was not on a $100 bill and the ends were obvoiusly glued on. I got it from the bank like that, I swear on a stack of Bibbles!

Anyway, I'm having to undrgo the humilliation of a trial, finding a lawyer, hiding the printing equipment and paying exoribatant fees. I demand that you fire Jennie, drop all charges against me and pay me a billion dollars for my trouble.

Count Terfeiter

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-13-2010, 06:14 PM
Dear Terfeiter :

Our apologies for the misunderstanding. Here's your billion dollars. Is Monopoly money okay?


================================================== ================

deer wall mrt

i wuz n ur stor yisterddy n u dint haf 12 pecks dit pepzy iffin do dey wuz n ur add diz falls avertizzin gimme millon dolers r i soo

i kent reedorrite

01-13-2010, 08:00 PM
Dear Terfeiter :

Our apologies for the misunderstanding. Here's your billion dollars. Is Monopoly money okay?



Dear Mr reeddorite,

What's this, something about Pepsi and wanting a million dollars? Well I won't give you a million dollars, but I will give you this discount on hooked on phonics. I think it will help you greatly in the future.

Dear Mcdonalds,

Fuck you! I have been a loyal customer for the last 10 years, eating your breakfest, lunch, and dinner every day. I cannot live a day without your food! Now that I am somehow over a thousand pounds overweight, I can't even get out of bed! AND YOU ASSHOLES WON'T EVEN DELIVER TO ME!! I NEED MY MCNUGGETS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111


Fattias Mcfatty.

01-14-2010, 03:23 AM
Dear Mcfattious,

please find attached a number of a good cardiologist, and the number for the ambulace. I terribly sorry for the inconvience, but I do know that these two FINE companys do offer delivery services.

1 800 438-2368

Thankyou for bringing this to our attention.


dear big box company,
while recently shopping at your store I noticed several employees standing around doing nothing. So I went up to them and asked a simple question. For some reason they all laughed in my face! I DEMAND they be fired and a giftcard for $15,000 be issed or I will NEVER shop in your store again! I mean the nerve of them denying good customer service by REFUSING to do my shopping for me!

I.M potent

01-14-2010, 08:44 PM
Dear I.M Potent,

If good customer service was doing shopping for customers then they would be spending all day shopping and never having any time to actually do their jobs. I've considered your demands and they are too over the top for being made to actually do your own shopping. You weren't lazy enough to get here in the first place were you? If getting here is that exhausting for you then I suggest that you never come here again and find somewhere nearer to your house.

Store Manager

Dear Chief Executive,

I have attended my local high street branch of your bookmakers every day for years and in that time I have lost thousands of pounds in unemployment benefit. I finally came round to accepting that I was addicted and closed my account and specifically told them not to let me open another one as I was determined to beat my addiction. However I then got my best friend to open one in his name on my behalf and do my bets for me, an addict needs his fix right?, and since then I have lost even more money.

I DEMAND that this branch is shut down as it was completely irresponsible of them to keep taking bets from me after I told them not to in order to stop them doing it to anybody else. I also DEMAND that I am reimbursed every last penny of every bet I made with this new account, as they had no right to take any of it.


A. Moron

01-20-2010, 07:27 AM
Dear Mr. Moron,

I'm afraid I can't refund your money since it's under your friend's account and we need his authorization to refund the money. However, we can suggest that you find a rehab center that specializes in gambling addictions.

Also, we won't be closing the branch. It was your own fault that you lost the money.


Chief Executive

Dear Supermarket Manager,

At the checkout, I handed the girl my coupons and she handed them back to me and told me they were expired. I requested a supervisor who came over and told me that the coupons couldn't be accepted which was completely unacceptable. I threw my items at the girl and supervisor, stormed out, and took off in my car. I want the girl and supervisor fired for being rude to me and a gift card as an apology for the poor service I received. I also want to be able to use my expired coupons without any problems. If I don't get what I want, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Coupon

01-20-2010, 03:42 PM
dear ms Coupon,

TERRIBLY sorry to hear that you will be leaving us. Hope you find joy in your new supermarket. I hear they opened one on the corner of Bull and Crap.


Dear BIG blue store,



(sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)

01-20-2010, 03:54 PM
Dear Mrs. Coupon;

You actually have never made a purchase in our store. You keep coming in with year old coupons, and then leaving when they get rejected. You've sent us this letter 64 times. So I will say again;

We can not miss your business if you never buy anything. As you have not spent a single red cent in our store, I don't think your not coming back will a problem for us.

Though I get the sinking feeling I'll be hearing from you soon.

Good-bye (for now);
Grocery Town Management
Dear Mr. Manager Man;
My daddy says I can't have a Suzy Peealot doll because your store is full of poopyheads who make the prices too high. Daddy has told me all about how evil store type people are. He's told me you never let him use his coopons. It's very hard for him to make them. You won't stay open in the middle of the night so Daddy and Mommy can buy things. ANd many other bad stupid head things.

Daddy told me I should write you a letter about how bad you mean people are. So I did. I want a FREE Suzy Peealot doll, and for you to do what my Daddy says. he's VERY important.

Hugs and Kisses;
Miss Rebeka Entitlementhoorson
Age 4

01-20-2010, 05:43 PM
Dear Rebeka,

Please tell your daddy to grow a set, fight his own battles and stop teaching his child to be an entitlement whore.

Very sincerely,
Dee L. Withit, Store Manager

= = = = =


U SUK! GIMME MUNNY! NOW!!!!111!!!!111!!!


01-21-2010, 07:18 AM

I'm afraid we were unable to mail your later as you didn't put an address on it. Could you tell us what store you wanted that sent to?

Your Postal Service

Dear Mr. Roberts;

Recently your 12 year old daughter came to babysit my 8 year old daughter. I paid her very well, more then a girl that age should be earning. Yesterday I fired her because she wasn't brushing my daughter's hair for her. This is totally unacceptable.

When i said fire, I meant come work for me for free, not to just stop coming around. I demand you send your daughter back here to watch my little angel. And she should Pay me for the honor of carrying for my beautiful child. 200 dollars a day should be enough.

Anita Slave

(Sadly, something like this happened when I first started babysitting, I worked for a few days and then I got fired because I wasn't brushing the girl's hair. She was 8, with no developmental issues. It was WEIRD.)

01-21-2010, 12:38 PM
~envelope has been returned to house with address crossed out as undeliverable.~

Dear BIG blue store,



(sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)

01-29-2010, 09:58 AM
Dear Mrs. Slave,

My daughter doesn't babysit for free so she won't be babysitting your daughter again. Also, your daughter is old enough to learn to brush her own hair.


Mr. Roberts

Dear Mr. Locke,

We have enclosed a form and envelope. Please fill out the necessary information and send it back in the envelope so we can refund your points.

I'm afraid we can't give you a $10,000 gift card. However, we will send you a $100 gift card once we get the form from you.


Big Blue Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came into your store first thing in the morning and there were other customers shopping in the store. I can't shop while other customers are in the store because they might laugh at my purchases which is why I come to shop as soon as the store opens. Next time I come in, I want your employees to tell the other customers to leave the store and stay out until I finish my shopping. If I find another customer in the store again when I'm shopping, I will never come into your store again and do all my shopping online.


Ineed Myspace

01-29-2010, 11:12 PM
Dear Ms. MySpace,

I looked up your purchase history in our computer, and I -


Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today.
Store Manager


Dear Store,

I was shopping today and everything went perfectly. An employee helped me find what I needed, the cashier was quick and accurate, and the bagger helped load my items in the car. I have nothing to complain about.

I live for complaining, please teach your employees to be a little more difficult, as it is the only thing that makes my life worth living. How can I demand unreasonable compensation when no one does anything wrong?

Thank you for your consideration,
A. Customer

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-30-2010, 12:24 AM
Dear Customer:

You want an employee of the company to be difficult? Okay, here goes:

F--- you, you f------ f--- f--- f--- b---- f---- scrawny a-- s--- head. F--- you!

There you go. Of course, I will not be compensating you for doing what you told me to do anyway.

================================================== ================

Dear Crap Mart:

How dare you kick me out of your store when I wasn't doing anything wrong!

All I was doing was following little boys around the store with my hand inside my pants waistband. There's nothing wrong with that! Nor is there anything wrong with talking to those little boys and asking them what kind of toys they like! Boys like toys!

I am a good customer! I would take my business elsewhere, but every other store in town has banned me for following the little boys around. That's not fair! How do those other stores know I'm not their dad?

Patrick O. File

01-30-2010, 07:51 PM
Dear Mr. File,

We're sorry you feel you've been treated unfairly. If you'll give us your address, we'll send along a nice person in a blue uniform and badge to give you precisely what you deserve.

Hans Offthekids, Manager


Dear Store Manager,

I bought some beautiful fish for my aquarum during that very hot week last summer. But I had a lot of errands to run, and I left them in the car all weekend. When I went back to the car to get them, they were all floating around.

I can't believe you'd sell me such sickly fish! I demand a full refund, new fish that won't die if I leave them in a car parked in the sun for a weekend and a public apology for your weak merchandise.

Your customer,
Mr Bernie Hotcarr

01-31-2010, 08:34 AM
Dear Mr. Hotcarr,

Please remember that fish are living breathing things, just like humans. Humans will die if left in a suffocated area for a whole weekend. Therefore you will not e getting your fish.

Thank you,

Ms. Spinelady, Store Manager.

Dear Store Manager,

Your company sells stupid products! The mints are so minty, the freezer area is cold and the employees keep molesting the fruits and vegetables! I want my fruits and vegetables non-molested, the freezer area to a temperature that I can stick my hands in without freezing them off and for the mints area to not smell like mint! Is that so hard.

Miss Diff. E. Cult.

01-31-2010, 06:24 PM
Ms. Cult,

Yes your request is too difficult!

If the freezer was any colder, all the food would melt or go bad.
If the mints were less minty, we would get complaints about them not being minty enough.
And If our employees didn't handle our produce, then we wouldn't be able to transport it, or check to see if it has gone bad.

I'm pretty sure that no one wants melted, bland tasking, rotten products.

Please find some place else to complain;
Ihaffa Backbone

Dear Night Pleasures;

Recently I purchased a very lovely adult toy from you. It is amazing. I have absolutely no issues with it. Sadly, my current boyfriend could not keep up with my new accessory so I denied him relations until he improved. He then dumped me.

I do not want any monetary Recompensation for this tragic event. I just believe you should send the cute black haired boy with the tongue stud who works your cash to fill my bed until I can find a way to win my boyfriend back. I don't think that is so unreasonable. You are an Adult Toy Store after all, and I want to play with that boy.

I'll be waiting;
Imma Nympho

02-01-2010, 07:57 AM
:lol: this game is getting better by the minute!!! :p

02-01-2010, 11:25 AM
:lol: this game is getting better by the minute!!! :p
For sufficiently (UN) even values of "better"!:D

02-02-2010, 04:58 AM
Dear Nympho,

I'm afraid that Josh is unavailable to play with you, as he is quite happy with his new boyfriend. Funny, said boyfriend said he couldn't keep up with his demanding nymphomaniac harpy girlfriend. Life is weird, huh?

Connie Lingus, Manager, Night Pleasures Emporium


Deer Manujur,

Mah son bott some malt vinugur from youse and drunk it all. He then pyooked all over teh howse. Why din you tell him not 2 drink it? Why you sell it 2 him in teh furst plase? I want lotsa munny, a millin dollurs 4 comp kommp because yoo hurt mah boy!


Vinnie Garboy

02-02-2010, 05:08 AM
ROFL! I had completely forgotten about the "Vinegar Boy" Saga. I can't think of an awesome letter to make in response. XD

Andrew B.
02-02-2010, 04:31 PM
Dear Mr. Garboy,

After reading and deciphering your letter, we have decided not to honor your request for compensation. However we have made steps to make sure none of this happens again with warning labels.


T. Manager


Dear Borders and Noble's,

I purchaced a book about the end of the world and was appaled about the vagueness of the date. All your books should give an exact date about the end of the world.


Tinn F. Oilhatt

02-02-2010, 07:40 PM
Dear Mr. Oilhatt,
I heard the end of the world is taking place on 2/3/10. Oh dear...that's tomorrow. I would recommend stocking up and not coming out of your house for about 20 years...just to be safe.


Dear Boozers R Us,
Last night I attempted to come into your establishment with my five year old son. Imagine my surprise when your bartender informed me that I was not allowed to bring children into the bar. I have been coming to your bar for a very long time (5 month to be exact!). I demand that you give me a lifetime supply of free booze for my troubles.

Al Co'holic

02-02-2010, 10:23 PM
Connie Lingus

:lol: :roll: :lol:

02-02-2010, 11:22 PM
I wondered if anybody was going to notice her name... :devil:

02-03-2010, 12:21 AM
I wondered if anybody was going to notice her name... :devil:
Isn't she a stewardess for an Irish airline?

02-04-2010, 12:14 AM
Dear Mr. Oilhatt,
I heard the end of the world is taking place on 2/3/10. Oh dear...that's tomorrow. I would recommend stocking up and not coming out of your house for about 20 years...just to be safe.


Dear Boozers R Us,
Last night I attempted to come into your establishment with my five year old son. Imagine my surprise when your bartender informed me that I was not allowed to bring children into the bar. I have been coming to your bar for a very long time (5 month to be exact!). I demand that you give me a lifetime supply of free booze for my troubles.

Al Co'holic

Dear Mr Co'holic,

unfortunately we have to pay more attention to the law than your whining and unreasonable demands. So instead here's an AA leaflet which I suggest you read.


The Manager

Dear Manager,

I'm from Texas and was on vacation and I decided to visit a pub as I had heard all about English pubs and wanted to sample a pint of English beer for myself. I saw a sign outside your pub saying "we show live football here" only to find, much to my disgust, that you were showing SOCCER!!!! And everyone kept having the nerve to call it football!!!!

I expect you to force the premiere league or whatever you call it to change to proper gridiron football as you should be making as American tourists feel at home, not making us endure that pansy soccer garbage. I expect this to happen before the next time I visit England, which is next week.

Yours sincerely,

I.G. Norant

02-04-2010, 12:53 AM
Dear Mr. Norant,

Beware of Dog. (http://ihasahotdog.com/2010/02/03/funny-dog-pictures-afraid-beckham/)

That is all.

Pub Manager


Dear Mrs. Shoes,

I want the puppies (http://www.ustream.tv/SFShiba). I have been watching them every day and they look at me through my computer screen (never mind that they just opened their eyes a few days ago) and, while I know they were already spoken for before they were even born, they clearly want to come home with me. Please arrange for them to be on a plane to Newark Liberty Airport and I will gladly meet them.


I. Wantsahotdog

PS, you may want to check on them. Bonsai is currently trying to eat Byakko's face.

02-07-2010, 11:57 PM
Isn't she a stewardess for an Irish airline?

I thought she was a waitress at Ernie's Crab Shack. Or at least she should've been.:p

Andrew B.
02-12-2010, 01:53 PM
Dear Ms. Wantsahotdog,

I'm afraid I can't give you the puppies. Sorry. I'd rather not break other deals.

Mrs. Shoes


Dear Jered's,

I gave my wife one of your diamond bracelets fpr three years ago and now she expects jewelery for every occation. I want compensation for this annoyance.

Nott Gettingany.

02-12-2010, 04:06 PM
Dear Mr. Gettinany:

Please find enclosed our Valentine's Day sales ad which should be useful to you in this situation. May I recommend the heart-shaped diamond necklace?

Alternatively, grow a pair.


Aint'i Ajewel

Dear State Governor:

I took my son for his driving test yesterday and they refused to test him! The lady behind the counter said he didn't meet the requirements, and she wouldn't feel safe riding in the car with him. My son was very damaged emotionally by her words, and hurt at the rejection - his seeing eye dog allows him to function in life just like anyone else and a state employee ought to be more sensitive to people with disabilities. I feel your policy is discriminatory to the visually impaired and will be contating the ADA department if you do not immediately institute a new law protecting blind people from discrimination and harasssment when applying for their driver's licenses. Also, I will vote for your opponent in the next election and tell the press that you eat puppies.

Mya Cataract

02-12-2010, 10:59 PM
Dear Mrs. Cataract,

While I understand you want to your son to have every opportunity any other young man should have, he simply can't. The laws of the road strictly dictate an individual must be able to see all signs and obstacles on the road. That's why we have headlights at night.

Even a sighted person who's sight isn't up to par can be denied a driver's license.

Please try to look at this logically. Would you allow your son to walk around the city if he had no cane, no seeing eye dog, and the cross walk didn't beep. He would be in a great deal of danger.

Everyone on the road would be in danger if we put a blind individual behind the wheel of a one ton metal machine that's going dozens of miles an hour.

How would he know when the light was changing? If someone was crossing the road? How would he know when the speed limit changes?

These are questions you need to ask yourself. And realize it's not safe for anybody if you son was given a driver's license.

I would sadly give up my office to keep our state's roads safe. But please note I'm keeping this letter on file, and if you try to spread any libel about me, I will have no trouble giving it to the media. I don't think it paints you in the best light.

I really don't see this working out for you;
State Governor I.C. Itall

02-17-2010, 02:15 AM
Ermmm since ^ ^ didn't write one I will.

Dear Walmart,

I went to your store and you were ALL out of my fave sandwich. This is unacceptable! UNACCEPTABLE! I demand $50000 in gift cards because this has ruined my entire life! Also there were no paper towels in the bathroom!

Sincerely, Give Italltome

02-18-2010, 08:48 AM
Dear Mr. Italltome,

I'm afraid we can't afford to give you a $50,000 gift card but we'll be sending you a $100 gift card. Also, the reason that there are no paper towels in the restrooms is because it's better for the environment to use the hand dryers.


Mr. Wal Mart

Dear Restaurant Manager,

I came into your restaurant and sat in my regular spot when the hostess came over and told me that I needed to wait in the waiting area in order to be seated. I told her that I always sit at that table and I wasn't moving. She had the nerve to call security and have me removed from the restaurant. I want the hostess fired for being rude to me and free meals for the next two months to make up for the humiliation I suffered.


Mrs. Pat Ron

02-18-2010, 10:05 AM
Dear Mrs Ron

I have spoken to my waitress who says that she clearly did not tell you to wait in the waiting area to be seated, usually there would be no problem with you sitting at that seat.
What she told you was that the heaters in that area of the restaurant were not working that night, and she was waiting for the area to be reheated.

Had you continued to sit there in the weather we are having lately you would have caught pneumonia.Did you not notice there were no other customers in that part of the restaurant? Security had to remove you in order to prevent you damaging your own health.

Sincerely, Ura Knotrite, restaurant manager

Dear Grocery Store manager,

Why are you not open at 4 in the morning, it is inconvenient.
i demand free groceries to compensate.


02-18-2010, 12:46 PM

We're sorry you feel inconvienanced, but this may have been avoided if you want to the Kroger across the street. They are open 24/7.

Sincerely, Manager (can't come up with good name).

Dear Walmart,

This letter is an apology for my behavior at your store 2 years ago. I was way out of line destroying $10,000 worth of merchandise and feel I should pay for the damages I incurred. I also feel horrible about punching your greeter in the face when he was only trying to be friendly. And I also wish those two security guards who tried to calm me down a happy recovery.

In case you don't know, I am sending this letter from my state prison. I will most certainly be here for a very long time. I truely feel sorry for the damages I caused and want to make it up to Walmart in any way I can. I will surely pay for any damages or medical costs that resulted from my behavior. Maybe I can even work you for (for free of course), to pay for any other damages and as a sign of good faith. I think I would make a good greeter. I am working on my anger problems, and my mother always told me I was polite.

I hope this letter puts us back in good graces. My hearing is coming up in a couple of months and they are considering dropping my assualt and battery charges for my good behavior. With your help, I just might get those murder charges reduced as well!

Good day,

S. C. Repentant

02-18-2010, 10:42 PM
Dear Repentant,



Nota Chanceinhell

Dear Ice cream company,

Your mint chocolate chip ice cream does not have a good chip to mint ratio. I carefully counted out every chip and mint particle. This has permanently tramautised me. I demand free mint chocolate chip ice cream for life for my suffering.


Igotta Brainfreeze

02-19-2010, 05:46 PM
Dear Ms. Brainfreeze:

The chip-to-mint ratio provided in our mint chocolate chip ice cream is carefully determined by an elaborate computer program that takes into account the fluctuations in consumer taste buds, the cost of rice in China, and the phases of the moon as they relate to the dawning of the age of Aquarius. I can fully assure you that the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream you selected at the grocery store was lovingly and painstakingly individually crafted to provide the maximum amount of appeal for your very own personal taste.

However, we at the Dairy Farm Conglomerate would never like it to be said that we are lacking in customer service. To that end, I have personally arranged for the delivery at 3:00AM this morning of one lifetime's supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream to your address. It seems you screamed at our delivery man when he rang the doorbell, so we instructed him to leave the ice cream in your backyard. I believe you will find it melting in the swimming pool.

Karmasa Unowat
CEO of Dairy Farm Conglomerate

Dear Front End Manager:

I am APPALLED at the service I received last week at YOUR grocery store. YOUR cashier refused to scan my groceries, showing me a computer display on her stand that stated an ILLEGAL ACTION had been performed. I have never been so INSULTED in my life! I will have you know that I have been buying groceries from your store for 35 YEARS and have NEVER been accused of ANY CRIME, ever. Your cashier tried to backtrack and make EXCUSES by stating that I should use another checkout lane, but I KNOW she was just trying to make me go away so she could call the police. Is this how you treat LOYAL and UPSTANDING customers? I DEMAND that you call the police immediately and retract all negative statements your store has made about me. I also demand that you pay ALL my gasoline bills and travel expenses from now on as I will transferring my patronage to Rival Grocery Store 45 miles away and deserve to be compenstated for the inconvenience.

Imnotta Krook

02-20-2010, 03:30 AM
Dear Mr. Krook,

We are very sorry to hear about your misfortune with time and space. Unfortuantly for you this location has only been open for 2 months. We suggest that you get back in your time machine and return to the future as we don't want you here. Have a wonderful day!


Imon Toyou

Dear Weather station,

I am writing to complain that your meteorologist has declared that it will snow tomorrow. This is completely unacceptable as I have plans and wish for it to be warm and sunny. I demand that your meteorologist change the weather to suit my plans right away or be fired for life.


Ihate Cold

02-24-2010, 06:15 PM
Dear Cold,

We have been recently informed that our meterologist is the son of Thor, Norwegian god of thunder. Unfortunately, the meterologist has had a falling out with his dad, something involving his son being a "pansy" and refusing to down a gallon of mead in five seconds, so there will be lightening flashes following that snowstorm, which in turn will be followed with a hail of locusts lasting approximately twenty days. There is nothing we can do since we cannot control the will of the gods.


Cee Snow.


Dear Editor of Snake World,

When I was in line at Petmart's checkout getting treats for Fluffy, my chihuahua, I happened to see the picture of a giant rattlesnake on the cover of this month's issue! I immediately began to scream in fear and hyperventilate because I am afraid of rattlesnakes. How DARE you put your magazine so close to the checkout! I demand $10 million is cash delivered or I will personally call the BBB, Petmart's CEO, Petworld's CEO and your mother and force you to go out of business!


Madam Doofus.

02-25-2010, 11:36 AM
Dear Madam Doofus,

If you had bothered to look at the front cover, you would have seen that the magazine is about snakes. NOt about Fluffy. About snakes. Therefore you shall be getting nothing.


Miss Managerwithabrain

Dear B.I.G. Supermarket,

I tried to enter your store with my four-year-old son 15 minutes before closing to do my weekly grocery shopping and discovered that the store was closed. When I tried to change my plan to state that I was only getting one thing, they complied, but when I tried to buy alcohol, the very rude girl behind the counter asked me for ID! How dare she ask me for ID? She could see that I had a kid and I even showed her my tattoo, but she still asked me for ID!

I want the clerks who told me that they were closed and the girl who asked me for ID fired, and I want gift cards in compensation.


Miss. Imofagewithakid

02-25-2010, 11:06 PM
Miss. Imofagewithakid

Enclosed is a twenty dollar gift card to apologize for our store being closed early. This should not have happened. I know customer's often arrive at our store last minute, and the doors really should be unlocked until our official closing time. So for this I'm sorry.

However, we will not apologize for you getting carded. It is store, and provincial policy that if you look to be under the age of 25, you should be carded. That means if you look like you are 23, which is well over the legal again in any country you can buy alcohol, you will still get carded. That is how the system works. Deal with.

Moreover, there are plenty of 15 year old girls who already have children. And my son got a tatoo when he was 12, so that does not make you of age. For all the cashier knew, you were babysitting your younger brother.

It is illegal to sell alcohol to minors, and we are a corporation would rather have one angry customer than be shut down for illegal activity.

Enjoy your gift card;
Ms. Reese Nibble-Butsmart
Manager of B.I. G Supermarket
Dear Cut Above the Rest Beauty Salon,

I would like to raise a complaint. The other day I went in to get my hair dyed. I requested it be done in ice blue with streaks of red, pink, and purple. I have to say, it actually looked really kick ass. I was very happy with the look.

That is however, until I got to work. It turns out that it is against my company's dress code to have hair that is an unnatural color. So i came back and told them I needed my hair back to it's natural color, a lovely wheat blond. The stylist REFUSED. of she gave some cock and bull story about how they couldn't undo the coloring. They could dye over, which might fry my hair, but it would have to be a color that would cover up the blue. She suggested I go brunette. I told her brunettes are whores, and she kicked me out of the salon.

I mean just because she is a slutty brunette herself gives her no right to treat me like that. I demand someone at your salon bring my hair back to it's natural color. If you are unable to do that, then I demand you find me a job to replace the one I will lose and give me free hair and spa treatments for life.

Ms. Van Itti

Irving Patrick Freleigh
02-25-2010, 11:18 PM
Dear Clearance Swamp (eh, why not?):

I was in your bathroom the other day smearing my feces all over the toilet, floor, and stall walls, because I have something wrong upstairs.

While I was doing this, my foot came down on a turd and I slipped and fell, hitting my head on the toilet and being knocked out cold.

Nobody came by to help me up or offer to help me fill out an accident report. When I came to, I was told I was banned from the store. This is unacceptable.

Don't bother with any gift cards or any crap like that. I'm suing you for everything you've got.

Apu Pibat

(And it would not shock me at all if this really happened. We have us some oddballs.)

02-26-2010, 02:46 PM
Dear Ms. Van Itti,

From the perspective of being a brunette myself, I have to say blondes are bigger whores. We all here are laughing and cracking up dumb blonde jokes about c customer so clueless that she couldn't be bothered to read her own company's dress code. With hair your color, I'm certain you would make it in..ah...underground endeavours.

Wishing you the best,

Ms. Brun Ette


Dear Apu Pibat,

Please find enclosed the sweat encrusted clothing freshly off my employee's backs, as well as their pants, including the pennies, gum wrappers and pocket lint. That is quite literally "everything we've got" when we work at Clearance Swamp.


Ms. Clarance Swampe.


Dear Owner of "Free Thinking Brides.org"

My name is Exo Tortonist and I am the lawyer representing Ms. Donna Darko for LeGowne.org, a website devoted to selling old vintage thrift store rags cut and sewn together and presenting them as genuine wedding gowns. My client was shocked and appalled when the members of your website "Imageen", "Huh?", "Penelope" and sundry others calle my client on the quality of her rags, the prices of her rags and for being a "scammer", even when my client created numerous accounts all citing positive reviews about LeGowne.org and flaming the members, even going so far as to say "You, Imageen, have become a bitter old woman after being a bride, I hope you enjoy your TV dinners and your twenty cats you bitter old bitch". The incident reached a peak when one member, "Lulageen" actually wished to return the gown she bought, citing "horrible quality and even more horrible customer service" when my client refused to stand by the quality of her work, instead citing that the gown must be "Lulageen" trying to scam my client out of $3200 plus the mandatory 50% restocking fee. My client is continually stressed out about the repeated harassment of your board members and wishes to sue both you and the members who harassed her for $20 million each, as well as the banning of those members and the closing down of your website.


Exo Tortonist

Grabbe, Twiste, Balles, Ambulancer, Tortionist and Chaser Law Firms
Po Box 99 Hell, MI 66666.

03-02-2010, 06:12 AM
Dear Mr. Tortonist,

Multiple accounts are forbidden on our website. Therefore, Ms. Darko will be receiving a permanent ban.


Free Thinking Brides Owner

Dear Craft Shop Manager,

I was letting my children run wild in the store while I shopped and one of the employees had the nerve to tell them to stop. I want this employee fired for telling my children what to do and a basket of free craft items or I will never shop at your store again.


Wild Motherchild

03-02-2010, 06:50 AM
Dear Wild Motherchild,
The employees in question were fired because they were not following our company policy of beheading children running around the store. You may have noticed the heads on spikes as you entered the store. These are warnings that some actions come at a high price. Please be thankful that our employees were not doing the world a favor.

Vlad Tepes

Dear Mr. Henry Meyer,
I was in your store doing my weekly shoplifting when one of your employees dared to stop me. They took me to the back room and told me to pay for the stuff or they would call the police. I have never been so insulted in my life. I will never shoplift at your store again.

03-03-2010, 01:43 AM
Dear Dude with no name,

Count yourself lucky you didn't 'trip' several time on the way to the back room as that is part of our policy. The employees in question will receive more training.

Sincerely, Stonecold Beatdown

Dear Chocolate company,

Your candy made me fat! I eat it every day and it's made me gain 100 pounds. I demand compensation for my pain and suffering or I will come and sit on you.

Sincerely, Twotun Heifer

03-03-2010, 02:14 AM
Dear Ms. Heifer,

Please accept our sincerest apologies. To make up for your dissatisfaction we will be sending you a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Chocolate Company Management

Dear Burger Palace,
Today I went to your resturant and ordered a prime rib. I was informed that you were a fast food place and did not carry prime ribs and that I would have to go to a steakhouse if I wanted a prime rib. This entire experience has upset me greatly and I demand that you start selling prime ribs and allow me to eat at your establishments for free forever.

Iha Teburgrz

03-04-2010, 05:01 PM
Dear Teburgrz,

Go to a fucking steakhouse.

Sincerely, management.


To whoever it concerns at that Waldenbooks chain:

I bought The DaVinci Code like seven months ago and forgot about it. Yesterday I found it and tried to read it and I couldn't get past page 10. I want a new book!


03-06-2010, 02:42 AM
Dear Owmyhead,

Enclosed is a copy of a book that I think will be right in your league.

Very sincerely,
I. Reed Allot, Manager, Waldenbooks


Dear Highend Store Manager,

I went to your store to do some shopping, and brought my Darling Little Precious Angel along. Well, he got a little rambunctious as children do, and your nasty mean employee yelled at him! Imagine not letting a child climb shelves and play basketball with Faberge eggs! How can you be so cruel as to curb his creative urges!

Worse, you wanted me to pay for the merchandise he damaged! Imagine, charging several thousand dollars for a few silly jeweled eggs and other trinkets! I demand that you reverse the charges, give me a gift card for a million dollars and let my Little Darling act as he will in your store, or I'll sue you!

Helena Handbasket

03-08-2010, 07:28 AM
Dear Mrs. Handbasket,

The reason my employee told your son not to play on the shelves is because he could've gotten hurt. Also, the items in our store are not for children to play with. We've decided not to reverse the charges and you are banned from the store until the full amount is paid. The payments are to be sent to the return address displayed on the front envelope.


Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I sent my 12 year old daughter to the lottery line to cash my scratch offs while I waited in line to check out. The lottery employee had the nerve to tell my daughter that I needed to be there in order to have the tickets cashed. I had to step out of line and put my cart aside so I could get my tickets cashed. I want the lottery employee fired for being rude to my daughter and a $2,000 gift card to make up for the extra stop I had to make or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Lottery

03-16-2010, 10:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Lottery-

I'm sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction, however state law prohibits the sale or redemption of any lottery tickets by persons under the age of 21. If we are audited by the state lottery board and found to have sold or redeemed a card for an underage person, it results in not only heavy fines (which you will be charged for and will be well in excess of the $2000 gift card you requested) but also revocation of our license to sell lottery tickets, meaning you and others will have to go elsewhere for your tickets.

So your $2000 gift card will be denied.

Warmest Regards-

I R. Bitchy-
Store Manager

Dear Coffeeshop:

I've been coming to your store for several years now and up until now haven't had a complaint. My order was always ready to go before I finished ordering and everyone knew my name. Now you have a new crew in and they've not been properly trained to know each of their longtime regular customers nor their orders and today I had to wait 10 minutes (EGADS!) for my latte and I was addressed by the wrong name.

I want the entire crew replaced and the old one brought back and I also want a free latte every day for life as well as a $1500 gift card or I will end my morning ritual with your shop immediately.

I. R. Holdingmybreath

Irving Patrick Freleigh
03-16-2010, 11:33 PM
Dear Holdingmybreath:

Consider your requests for compensation denied, and continue to hold your breath, because I want to watch you turn blue and pass out and bash your head on the coffee table.

I.B. Sadistic
Coffeeshop manager
Dear Toyota:

I mistook the gas pedal for the brake on my Prius and plowed into a school bus stop, killing seven youngsters and maiming and dismembering several others. I'm now being sued for ten billion dollars but plan to blame you anyway because there's been reports in the news of your cars experiencing sudden acceleration and the media will fall for it like a stock market crash.

So give me eleven billion dollars--ten billion for the judgment and one billion "just because." Or else I will buy all my cars from General Motors from now on.

Krap P. Driver

03-17-2010, 04:04 PM
Dear K. P. Driver,

And that is a threat because...?

Thank you for your letter. I will be very happy to show it to the judge and/or the media should you choose to take it there. I will also warn the president of General Motors about you.


Corolla Cavalier, president, Toyota Motors

* * * * *

Dear Store Manager,

I am writing to you regarding the rudeness of your employee. I got in line in front of another customer, and your employee rudely demanded that I get to the back of the line. I was in a hurry, everyone else can wait!

Further, I got a call while I was in line, and when I got to the register, your rude employee rudely asked me to put my stuff on the belt. She could clearly see that I was on the phone, making a very important call to my best friend Sally Ann, and ignored my "in a moment" gesture. She then had the nerve to tell me that other people were waiting! Well, what else could I do? I threw my eggs at her, tipped the cart over and stomped out the door.

I was treated shamefully, and I demand compensation! Give me $100,000, free groceries for the rest of my life and have the rude little bitch publicly decapitated and her head spiked on the flagpole in front of your store, or I'll never set food in your store again!


Bette R. Thanyou

03-28-2010, 01:03 AM
Dear Ms. Thanyou-

I'm so sorry to hear you had such an unfortunate incident in one of our stores.

But don't fret . . . I have some rather exciting news for you. It turns out you are the winner of our Super Secret Getaway From it All sweepstakes.

On Friday, April 2, 2010 we will send a special car to pick you up at your residence at 8 a.m. sharp and, with your well-oiled, muscular bodyguards dressed in crisp white from head to toe will take you on a magical journey to the psychiatric weekly spa where you'll get the Royal Treatment . . .your own specially padded room with a view, a snuggly huggy jacket to wear and you'll get all the relaxing sedatives and tranquilizers you can stand.

BTW, cell phones aren't allowed at the spa . . . so you'll have to surrender yours or the staff there will have to perform a hysterectomy to remove it from your behind.

In short, your claims are laughable and denied.


Bette R. Bitch
Regional Manager

Dear Neighborhood Drugstore-

I wuz in your store last Friday nite at 10 p.m. to get my Oxycoitin filled and I wuz refused my drugs 'cus you wuz closed. Dat's hating on a bro whose sik and need meds. When I tolds the dumbass bitch behind da counta what I needs, she tol me to leave or she'd call the po-po on my azz. When I tries to reason with her, telling her "you aint' gotta be like that cracker bitch - I just wants my drugz, and I go to shows her my ID from my pocket, I gots three po-pos behind me with guns drawn telling me to put down my weapon. I ain't gots no weapon, but they didn't listen and dragged my azz off to jail for no good reason.

I want my bail paid for, I wants a lawyer that ain't racist, and I wantz my drugs.

Or I goes to the newsmedia and tell 'em your racist

I. Wanna Beagansta

Lace Neil Singer
03-29-2010, 08:16 PM
Dear Mr Begansta,

Thank you for this confession; I have mailed it right away to the solicitor managing our case against you. Be assured, he will use it wisely.


Ms Couldnotgiveadamn.

Dear Pizza Parlour,

I came into your pizza place the other day and tried to place an order. I wanted a large Meat Feast and a garlic bread, like I always have. The girl behind the counter then had the cheek to tell me that they had run out of garlic bread! Of course, I didn't believe her; it's obvious she dropped out of high school if she's working there and she can't count.

I demand free pizzas, garlic bread and a £50 gift voucher to soothe my injured feelings.


Mr U N Reasonable.

03-31-2010, 12:40 AM
Dear Mr. U.N. Reasonable,

The cashier was quite correct in this case; there was an error on our delivery truck and instead of getting five cases of French bread like we were supposed to, we were delivered five cases of Fleet suppositories meant for the drug store across the street. Please accept these five cases of suppositories with my regards and my precise instructions on where to put them.

Pep Perroni, Manager, Pizza Parlour

* * * * *

Deer Manujur,

I wuz drivin by an had to go reel bad. I saw yore outhouse and tried to get in to uze it, butt yore jerk emploee pusht me back out and sed it wuz a Dutch Brothers Coffee.

I didn see no brothers, Dutch or not, but it looks like a outhouse 2 me! Bet other folks think its a outhouse 2. Pleez redo yore place so it dont look like a outhouse no mor if'n you dont want peeple to pee in it.

Billy Bob Jimmy Joe Inbred

03-31-2010, 12:31 PM
Deer Billy Bob (dammit XCashier...)

If I recall correctly, an outhouse is usually made from wood panels and unpainted. Our coffee shop is made out of concrete and is painted. Please actually take a good look at what the place is made of before you start whipping your tool out in public,

The Dutch Brothers Manager.

Dear Supermarket,

I approached your employee with what I thought was a reasonable request. Instead the employee told me no and that the store policy had just changed. How rude! I want you to fire that employee and put my adorable son in place!


Ms. Rude.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
03-31-2010, 10:58 PM
Dear Rude:

When I hire an employee, I tend to prefer applicants who can go potty all by themselves.

Enclosed please find $250 in gift cards to our biggest competitor. Now shut up and go away.

Supermarket manager

================================================== ==================================

Dear Press-4-Less Irons:

I was ironing my shirts while wearing them and am now undergoing treatment and skin grafts for the third-degree burns on my torso.

There was no warning on the box or in the instructions that I wasn't supposed to do that.

Pay my medical bills for me, or I will sue you for my medical bills, plus pain and suffering, lost wages, and whatever else I feel like.

I.M. Becille

04-11-2010, 10:33 PM
Dear. I. M. Becille -

So sorry to hear about your bad experience, however it does specifically state on page 4 of the instruction manual (in English, French, Spanish and German) that clothes need to be removed from the body before ironing.

I've also taken the liberty of contacting our legal department and have sent them a copy of your original complaint. You should be hearing from them soon - they needed a good laugh this week.


U. B. Screwed-
Regional Manager


Dere Sheets N' Stuff-

I was in your store today and could not find the comforter sets advertised in your flyer for $29.00. All I saw were the comforter sets for $99.00. That is a rip off and false advertising. And nobody at your store seemed to know what I was talking about even though I had an ad for Blankets and Things from 1992.

I want the price I saw in the ad or I'll call the Better Business Bureau on your ass and also the local news media and have you shut down.


ICant Seetoreade

04-12-2010, 06:24 PM
Dear Mr. Seetoreade,

We will be happy to honor the price from 1992 on one condition. You'll need to build a working time machine and travel back to the exact week those were on sale and buy them there.

Polly Cotton-Blend, Manager, Sheets N' Stuff


Dear Manager,

Your adorable teenage associate was checking out my groceries and I was making small talk with her, what books she liked, what movies she liked, what she looked like naked, stuff like that. Well, she got all huffy and bent out of shape and called security over! I barely got out of there in time!

I am upset and offended at being treated this way. I'm a paying customer, I should treat your employees how I want! I demand $100,000 for my pain and suffering and the full name and phone number of that cute little girl, or I'm going to call my lawyer.

P. R. Verted-Creep

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-13-2010, 07:27 PM
Dear P.R. Verted:

I'd just like to apologize for your experience.

Our cashier's name is Madyson Payne, she's 16 and her phone number is 999-999-9999. You can trust me. This is the Internet. wink wink

And here's $100,000 we printed up just yesterday in cold, hard, genuine American currency. Have a nice time with Madyson.


================================================== ======================

Dear Lucky's Tattoos:

I had one of your "artists" give me a tattoo. I asked for a 13 on my right arm. Instead I got a 31 on my left buttcheek.

Now everybody laughs at me. Remove the tattoo or I'll have my homiez drop by to...do some redecorating.

Pr T. Fly (For a white guy!)

04-16-2010, 05:28 PM
Dear Lucky's Tattoos:

I had one of your "artists" give me a tattoo. I asked for a 13 on my right arm. Instead I got a 31 on my left buttcheek.

Now everybody laughs at me. Remove the tattoo or I'll have my homiez drop by to...do some redecorating.

Pr T. Fly (For a white guy!)

I laughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle! :lol:

04-23-2010, 06:49 PM
Dear Mr. Fly-

Next time I suggest being sober when explaining to the artist what and where you would like something tattooed to your person. Also if you did not want your left buttock tattooed why did you expose yourself in a drunken stupor? Your request for free laser removal has been denied. Feel free to send your 'homiez' by any time you like. I'll make sure Butch and Bob our 400 pound twin brother bouncers are expecting you, I'm sure they'd like to play.


Uaren Tflyin, Owner

Dear Furniture and Things,

How dare you not be open when I told you I said I was going to be in! I got a phone call on saturday saying my pink plaid couch with matching cameo ottoman had come in. I told the woman over the phone that I would be in the next day to pick up my beautiful new living room pieces and she had the audacity to tell me you weren't open sundays! Well I told her that was when I'd be there and there'd better be someone there to give me my furniture since I can't go another day without it. Well when I got there all the lights were off and the doors were locked!

I demand you consult me about when your hours should be and give me my stunning pieces for free. Also I'm suing you for emotional damage done because of the delay in adorning my home with these treasures.


Allplai Dsmatch

04-27-2010, 01:40 AM
Dear Ms. Dsmatch-

I'm very sorry to hear of your unfortunate experience, however we do have hours posted for very good reasons. Please feel free to pick up your furniture anytime you wish - we'll have the local police over there to meet you.

Also your request for emotional damages as well as a full refund for your furniture has been passed over to our legal department. You should be receiving a letter soon from Dewey Cheatem and Howe within the next 5-7 business days.

I. Don'tgiveasheep

Dear Petsnotsosmart-

I was in your location at 3555 Buttsville Road with my six children, ranging in age from 3 to 12 and one of your employees was extremely rude to my precious angels.

Kids are rambunctious as a general rule, but my kids were accused of knocking over a pet food display, running through the store playing tag and tossing the hamsters around playing catch. Then another man had the audacity to tell me my kids needed leashes and muzzles because he said my 8 year old told him to go "fuck himself or he'd have his homies jack him up". The sheer nerve of these people discriminating against my children. I"ll never shop at your store again.

I am demanding $100,000,000 for emotional damages to my children and myself for hte humiliation we had to endure after the cops arrived and took my children away to foster care. I now cannot see my kids and now have legal fees up the wazoo because I'm told I'm a bad parent and shouldn't have kids. I was also accused of having slapped the man who said my child cussed him and holding a knife to another person's throat - l am innocents of these charges and am now having to declare bankruptcy because I'm having to defend myself in court.

Not only do I want the settlement for the emotional damages, but I also expect your company to foot the bill for my legal fees. Or I'll go to the local news media and tell them all about your puppy mills and inbreeding practices.

Ima Bitchfromhell

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-27-2010, 01:49 AM
Dear Bitchfromhell:

Go to the media about our "inbreeding" (snerk) practices and we'll tell the court about your inbreeding practices.

How did we find about this, you ask? We know people.

Try not to drop the soap, hun.


================================================== =========================

Dear Boudreaux's Butt Paste:

Your product caused my baby's buttcheeks to become glued together!

So what if the tube really says "Gorilla Glue?" Diaper rash ointment shouldn't be named after an industrial adhesive.

Change the name of your product or put a warning on the tube or something.

I.8 Pasteazakidd

Lace Neil Singer
04-29-2010, 07:10 PM
Dear Mrs Pasteazakidd,

Child Protection Services are speeding to your house as I type this; you can make your excuses to them and see how far you get.


Mr Cudntgivafuk

Dear Music Store,

I am writing to complain about the extremely rude lyrics in the music you sell. My daughter recently bought the Guns n Roses album "Appetite For Destruction" and there was not only the f word in one of the songs, but also various references to drugs and sex. I am disgusted that you would sell such a thing to a fourteen year old girl and I demand that you not only withdraw this album from sale, but also compensate me with at least £100 worth of vouchers.


Mrs I. Lovecensorship.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-29-2010, 11:16 PM
Dear Tipper Gore Lovecensorship:

Since you have written to a music store, we feel it's only appropriate our response be musical in nature. Therefore, without further ado, I give you world-renowned blues artist Calhoun Tubbs:

Hey ya'll! So the kids are listening to Guns N' Roses these days? I loves me some Guns N' Roses. I wrote a song about them. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Axl Rose sings like a girl, and he looks like one too. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh!

Thank you very much! All right. You know, I think it's appalling the words some of these groups are singing in their songs these days. It's so good to see somebody bein' a parent and not letting their kids listen to that garbage. I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Your kids are listening to ICP and Slayer, and you don't seem to care. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhh!

Thank you very much! Look here, the music store was debatin' what to do about your letter, and they told me what they decided. I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Take your gimme pig ass someplace else, your letter went in the trash. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhh!


Dear Toys 'R Expensive:

We bought your full-size Kute Kiddie Kitchen playset, and our two daughters enjoyed playing with it very much. That is, until they decided to take a length of garden hose and connect it to the gas line in our real kitchen.

Our house is now scattered across four area codes, and all we have left of our two daughters is six teeth, three hairs, some denim fragments and a foot.

Nowhere on the box or in the instructions did it say this should not be attempted. So we are suing you for fifty-five trillion dollars for pain and suffering and mental anguish.


Kay Boom

04-30-2010, 12:23 AM
Dear Mrs. Boom,

I am quite interested as to where you were when your daughters were hooking their toy up to the gas line of your house. There have been many law suits brought against our company for accidents that have been caused by a parents own negligence. I will assure you that we always win.

Though I have to ask; Did the gas company put any such warnings on their product. If they did, then we cannot be held at fault. If they didn't, perhaps you should bother them.

Pas T. Buck
Manager of Toys R Expensive

To the creators of Super Lube;

Your logo and product name are far too similar to Super Glue. In fact, if one had both products next to their bed, with the tubes rolled up, they may confuse one product for the other. Now, as Super Glue has been on the market for years, I am not addressing this problem with them. However, I believe that you may owe me some compensation.

Attached is a doctor's bill for a skin graft. Along with my request for 100, 000 dollars for emotional suffering. If you could just pay both of those to me, I would appreciate it. There is really no need bring this into the courts.

Furthermore, I would request that you change your product packaging and company name. It really is painfully confusing.

Daniel Masters-Bates

04-30-2010, 02:29 AM
Dear Mr. Master-Bates,

Why would you keep our product next to the super glue? For that matter sir what is super glue doing amongst your adult toys? As it was not our product that caused your embarrassingly grievous injury we are under no obligation to provide compensation for your short sightedness. Perhaps you ought to separate the tubes in question and invest in glasses.

Kitty Thatcher
Inventor, Super Lube

Dear Shirtless Skaldess: A Poem,

If my Suit - With Sword could press
I would end,- the ale-soaked knaves
Could I see - Not the stars of skalds
Overly eager - I paid my entry
Bold the brother - bare breasts to see
Gandered I not - those globes of gold
Wargeld demanded - Worthy one am I
Named falsely - not house of night

- A. Norseman

(For those NOT being forced to practice their Skaldic poetic forms this complaint boils down to: Viking walks into what he expects to be a titty bar, there are no titties, he wants reimbursement. :D the dashes are there because for some reason it won't save the spacing between half lines)

05-08-2010, 07:35 AM
Dear Mr. Norseman,

Sorry but this is not that type of bar. Your reimbursement has been denied.


Bar Manager

Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I recently came into your store smoking a cigarette and your employee had the nerve to tell me that I couldn't smoke in the store and that I needed to leave. I come into your store all the time and you sell cigarettes so I should have every right to smoke in your store. I want the employee who made me leave the store fired for being rude to me and free cigarettes from now on. I also want a $200 gift card to make up for the humiliation I suffered.


Mrs. Smoker

05-10-2010, 04:43 AM
I come into your store all the time and you sell cigarettes so I should have every right to smoke in your store.
Dear Mrs. Smoker,

We also sell condoms and toilet paper in the store. Do you intend to use those inside our store, as well?

Sorry, your request must be denied.

Nosmo King, Manager, Convenience Store


Dear LiquorMart Manager,

I went into your store yesterday to buy some Everclear. When I went up to the counter, the cashier had the nerve to ask to see my ID! How dare he! I've got a grey hair and a tattoo, that's proof that I'm old enough to buy booze! But that idiot wouldn't believe me, no matter how much I yelled and screamed and cussed at him, and he put the bottle under the counter, just to piss me off!

I demand that you fire that idiot and hire someone with enough sense to know that I'm old enough without asking for ID, as it is so inconvenient to carry that little plastic card around with me everywhere I go.

J. D. Minor

Lace Neil Singer
05-17-2010, 08:40 PM
Dear J. D. Minor,

I have forwarded your letter to Trading Standards as they are who you should have a beef with, not the cashier. Don't hold your breath tho for an apology.


Al Coholic, store manager.

Dear Book Store Manager,

I bought a copy of Northern Lights by Philip Pullman from your store and was disgusted at all the anti religious messages in it. I demand that you remove all books from this author from your store and burn them.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs O. Vereact.

05-17-2010, 09:09 PM
Dear Mrs Vereact,

If you object to any books which we sell in our stores, you are more than welcome to buy as many copies to burn as you wish. And frankly, if you can sit through something that inane, it might be a better use of your time.


Hy R. Stenderds

Dear Yarn Store Owner,

I was in your shop yesterday. When I told your clerk that I was interested in the sweater hanging over the door she proceeded to give me a magazine and a pile of yarn instead. This is horrible service. I expect my free sweater to be waiting when I come by tomorrow. And that clerk had better not be employed with you anymore.


Didnt T. Hink

05-18-2010, 06:17 AM
Mr(s) Hink,

Perhaps you did not look at the sign before you entered my store. "From Me To Ewe; Yarn Emporium" is not a business where you buy sweaters, but where you get the materials and skills to make your own. The sweater you saw in the display is a project one of our clerks completed recently. It is not for sale. It's purpose is to draw attention to our store, and to build interest in the knitting community. If you would like a sweater such as the one in our display, you can either make it for yourself, or buy one at another store.

You will not receive a free on from me. Though I must thank you. There is now a disclaimer in the entryway to the store, just in case someone else makes such a foolish mistake again.

Kaitlin Skein
Owner and Manager of From Me to Ewe; Yarn Emporium

Dear Gameway;
I recently bought several new PS3 titles from you. As I am a Microsoft fanboy who hates Sony and everything they do, I of course destroyed all these evil PS3 games. I used some as frisbees, others for skeet shooting, and just tossed some on the side of the road.

I made sure to get all these games insured with your store. When I went in yesterday to be reimbursed for my loss, the *@!%$ behind the counter told me that the warranties didn't cover me destroying the games myself. I put a lot of money in on those games, and while I'm proud of how much vile Sony product I destroyed, I need that money to eat.

I demand a full reimbursement for the games, 500 dollars for emotional damage, and a lifetime supply of free games. Also, you must stop carrying Sony and Nintendo anything and only carry Wonderful Wonderful X-box and PC games and products.

My cousin's best friend's uncle is a lawyer!

Lou Sar

05-18-2010, 11:11 AM
Dear Mr. Sar,

I suggest that you
a) Learn to read, then
b) read the section on malicious damage within the warranty.

I would however like to thank you that your purchases pushed our sales to the highest in the country and that all employees within the store have won PS3s - thanks!


Laff ingatyou


To golden arches management,

I went to one your fine establishments at 10:29 two years ago - and I noted several issues with your service.

Firstly there was a queue - I thought this was fast food, therefore I should NEVER HAVE to WAIT!11!! The peons you employ (probably all ilegally in the country anyhow) should know I'm so terribly important and busy that I should be served first!

Secondly by the time I reached the counter it was 10:31 and I was told that the menu had changed from breakfast. This is quite simply UNACCE[PTABLE!~!!!!~! If I join the back of a queue just before a menu change you should keep teh menu the same until I reach the counter and make my order. I'm on a diet and I should be able to order my 20 hash browns with 8 double sausage and egg muffins (with diet cola of course - it's a diet, duh!).

I also want to complain about the cleanliness of your store. When I got on my hands and knees, and prised the front counter panel off I found there was a HAIR behind the panel - this is quite simply OUTRAGOUS!!!! and I will be complaining on national media about this (my brother makes television cameras so knows how to do this - don't think I wont!!!11!!).

It was utterly disgusting that I was then arrested for damaging your counter - it was only in 286 parts (as per the court documents) so should be reasonably simple for someone with half a braincell to put back together.

You will reimburse me for the time I spent in prison (two years) - mental anquish, (approx $500,000,000 will be acceptable as the lowest limit) and a lifetimes supply of free meals at your restaurants globally (three meals a day though!)


Mr. B. Erk

Lace Neil Singer
05-18-2010, 07:12 PM
Dear Mr B. Erk,

I feel that we can do without your business, a strain as it may be. You see, the police who came to arrest you all decided to come back later for lunch. They liked our service and restaurant so much, they now all return on a regular basis for our greasy goodness. Since in a way you were the cause of this raise in business, have a free Big Mac on us.

Yours, Mr R McDonald; manager.


Dear Gamestop Manager,

I wish to complain about the purchase of the Super Street Fighter 4 game I bought from your store. I played it against my girlfriend, and she managed to beat me; not just one, but several times, even tho my character (Ryu) is better than hers (Vega). I demand a refund for the humilation I went thru with this defective game.

Yours, Mr Badloser.

05-19-2010, 05:24 AM
Dear Mr. Badloser,

You are totally right, Ryu is a much better character than Vega. Which makes it even worse that you lost multiple times to your girlfriend. Though this does help me win my bet with my co-workers about whether girls are better at SF4 than guys.

And we will not be refunding you, as it is your gaming skills, and not the game that is defective.

Gal Gamer, Game Stop Asst. Manager

Dear Farmer's Dairy,
I bought a carton of chocolate milk yesterday. Now the expiration date said that the milk was good until May 25th. However, when I went to pour some today, I found that had gone bad over night. My roommate claims that I needed to put the milk in the fridge, and leaving it on the counter probably caused the milk going bad.

There should be two expiration dates on the milk. 1 for if it's refrigerated, and one for if it is left out. If you do not do this, I will sue you for food poisioning.

Sue R. Mlike

Lace Neil Singer
05-19-2010, 07:06 PM
(By the way, that letter I posted; based on a true story. XD Tho it was my brother, not my boyf; and SF2 not SSF4. XD Still was hilarious tho, and I love your answer!)

Dear Mrs Mike,

I am quite concerned about your letter. You see, most of us learn that milk goes off when not put in the fridge in primary school. You seem not to have learned this. Therefore, I think it might be in your best interests if you re-enrolled in primary school so you can learn these lessons all over again; and pay attention this time.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Farmer, manager of Farmer's Dairy.


Dear Driving School,

I have taken my test thirty times, and still haven't passed. I feel this is all your fault, and that of your instructors. I demand that you sack all your instructors and hire some new ones who are more competant, also give me a free pass on my test as compensation.


Ms I Cantdrive.

05-19-2010, 08:31 PM
Dear Ms. Cantdrive

As I'm sure you are aware our instructors have won awards the world over for their effectiveness. It is by no fault of theirs that you can not avoid hitting pedestrians. Spongebob will receive his license sooner than you will if we have anything to say about it.

Ms. Saf T. First

To whom it may concern:

I was in your store last week and I saw a lovely throw pillow I wanted to buy. But I didn't get paid until the next day, but I wanted it so I took it. On my way out I was rudely assaulted by one of your employees. After patiently explaining the situation (I wanted the pillow but was broke and therefore was taking it as I was the customer and therefore in the right) they still refused to let me take it home! I can not believe this deplorable service! I demand this employee be terminated and my pillow shipped to me at your expense. As well as a $50 gift card for emotional trauma.

-Ms. N. Titled

Irving Patrick Freleigh
05-19-2010, 09:00 PM
Dear N. Titled:

What the hell, here's your pillow. It will serve you well when your cellmate Helga dons the strap-on and comes at you with that gleam in her eye.



Dear Beano:

Your package specifically states your product prevents me from getting gas after eating gas-producing food.

So I took a couple of the capsules before chowing down on a lunch of beans, cabbage, and tacos.

And then, at my interview for a very-good paying job at a local religious organization, I let go with a big wet fart. I am certain this caused me to lose the job. I mean, I was doing so well up to that point. I started out by being friendly and greeting the interviewer with a hearty "God damnit how ya doing!"

This job would've paid me $100,000 a year. Pay that amount yearly for 35 years (the estimated amount of time I would've remained with the organization until I retired) before I contact my lawyer.

I.S. Gassy

05-24-2010, 12:22 PM
Dear Mr. Gassy,

We would recommend that you take 3 capsules with big meals in the future. Also, we will not be paying your would-be salary.


B. No, Manager

Dear Car Dealership Owner,

I bought a car from you a week ago and it stopped running a couple days ago. Since I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, I had to call a towtruck so I could get home. The towtruck driver told me that I ran out of gas. I want my car replaced with a car that will not run out of gas. I also want reimbursement for the call I had to make to the towtruck company. If you don't do these things, I will never do business with you again and tell everyone I know that you sell faulty cars.


Mrs. Gascar

05-30-2010, 07:59 PM
Dear Mrs. Gascar,

I'm terribly sorry that you had such a bad experience with one of our fine automobiles.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to re-imburse you for your out of pocket expenses, however, if you would simply bring the car in within the next 3 days, we will let you do an even trade for this (http://www.fresh99.com/images/flintstonecar/fred-flintstones-car.JPG) brand new car, that doesn't need gas, and is actually of greater value than the current car. We won't even penalize you for the depreciation of your current car.

A word of caution, though; you may experience irritation of the feet, until substantial callouses have been built up.

I sincerely hope you are pleased with this offer, and choose to accept it. We certainly don't want you to be mad, Gascar.

Y. Abbadabbadu

Dear Computer Company,

I recently walked into one of your retail stores, with cash in hand, to purchase 100 of your new U-Pads.

Imagine my shock and horror, when I was informed I could not pay with cash! The clerk told me I either had to pay by check or credit card. He was quite polite at first, but mentioned something about wanting to make sure that buyers weren't reselling them. Well, I never!! To insinuate that I would do such a thing!

You just don't know the struggle I went through to earn all of that money! You see, I run a home based business. Furthermore, since I receive most payments to my business on my PayBuddy account, I had to convert the needed funds into a check, then the check into cash.

Not only was this cumbersome and time consuming, I had to pay transaction fees for each step of the conversion.

I just thought it would be so much nicer for your store to deal with cash, instead of paying your bank or credit card company transaction fees on your end, to process either a check, or credit card transaction. I mean, who doesn't accept good, old American cash at a retail location?!?

I demand that the 100 U-Pads I was intending to purchase be hand delivered to my home, along with the money, in cash, I would have paid for them, as well as re-imbursement of the transaction fees I incurred.

Ima Niebayure

06-24-2010, 11:24 AM
Dear Mr. Niebayure,

The reason we don't accept cash is because our cash got stolen a while back and we don't have a safe place to keep it. If you send us your address, however, we will send you a $400 gift card and a free U-Pad as an apology for the inconvenience.


Computer Company Owner

Dear Technician,

I've been putting rice into my computer since it keeps needing to be fed. Currently, my computer shut down and won't restart. I demand you send me a replacement right away. If you don't, I'll take my business elsewhere.


Mrs. Rice

06-24-2010, 12:38 PM
Dear Technician,

I've been putting rice into my computer since it keeps needing to be fed. Currently, my computer shut down and won't restart. I demand you send me a replacement right away. If you don't, I'll take my business elsewhere.


Mrs. Rice

I completely forgot about that one :roll:

Dear Mrs. Rice,

Computers have a very strict diet. That is, floppy disks, CDs and DVDs ONLY. If you feed it the wrong food, it will be poisoned. THerefore since you have poisoned your computer we will not help you today,


Smart Tech.

06-26-2010, 11:19 AM
Since there was no customer letter written, I can't respond to it. However, I can write one.

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went behind the seafood counter to get shrimp since I wanted fresh shrimp and your employee had the nerve to call the police. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and causing me to get arrested or I will never shop at your store again.


Mr. Shrimp

07-22-2010, 04:43 AM
Dear Mr. Shrimp,

As much as it pains me to have you arrested I must insist that you follow the rules we have stated for your own safty.

as such we are declining your request...good day.


Dear Big Box Company,

I was in your store last week and saw some games I wanted. As there was no clerk available to sell them to me, I borrowed them from the shelves and completed my shopping. Imagine my HORROR when I was stopped at the exit and told that my purchases had to be paid for!

Well of COURSE I paid for everything! I mean I even have the reciept! how DARE they accuse me of stealing!

I demand a $500,000 gift card and private valet parking for life! or I shall NEVER shop there agian!

Ms E.W

07-23-2010, 01:36 PM
Dear Ms E.W.

The reason there wasnt enough staff on hand to wait on you when you were here last week is because of all the shoplifting, probably done by you in the past years. I am so glad that we finally caught you.

After your complimentary stay in our State Jail for 2 years and the fine $150,000.00 our Loss Prevention Officer is pushing for, you will not be able to step foot in our store. So a Gift Card of any value is not needed.

By the way, your photo has been distributed to all retail locations in a 10 mile radius of our store as a felony shoplifter.

Dear Theres A Way Pharmacy,

I was in your store last week and you so rudely had the freezer doors blocked. After taking the yellow caution tape off the door so I could open them to look in the freezer, since the doors have these stupid big green signs that say out of order on them. I found the Chicken Pot Pie I was looking for and brought it up to the cashier to ring me up.

She told me she wouldnt sell it to me because the freezer was broke. The freezer isnt broke its cold. When I told her I wanted it, she said NO! I demanded to speak to the manager and he told me that the freezer was broke for a few days and got fixed yesterday. If its fixed why cant I buy the food? They wouldnt even give it to me for free. I demand an apology and the employee and manager fired.


I know everything

Note* This really happened the other day. A customer came in to our store and astonished all of us with his stupidity.

07-23-2010, 05:06 PM
Dear Mr. I Know Everything:

We have reviewed your complaint and stand in awe of the quality of your intelligence. You are clearly the most deserving customer we have ever served. In recognition of this, we are sending you the Chicken Pot Pie you wished to purchase, free of charge. We suggest you let it ripen for a few more days, preferably in a sunny location, before consuming it. In hopes that you will now receive the results you deserve, I remain...

Manager of your There's a Way Pharmacy
P.S. We currently have a special on medications to treat gastrointestinal upset. We are taking the liberty of charging your credit card, which we have on file, with the cost of a pallet of these quality medications. Thanks again for your valued business.

Dear Store:

The other day, or it might have been the other week, I can't remember and I'm a very busy person so don't even ask, I was in your store at the mall, or possibly the one downtown. Anyway, I wanted to buy this cool widget you had advertised in your weekly flyer. It was purple and that's my favorite color! And it was ON SALE, and I had a coupon for something similar, so of course I wanted to use it.

I was very SHOCKED AND DISAPPOINTED when I could not find any widgets in your store. I asked one of your employees who was counting things on the shelves and he had the nerve to say he didn't work there. I demanded to speak to a manager and this upstart girl about half my age minced over and pretended to be the manager, and SHE said you don't even sell widgets, let alone purple ones, and she also said it wasn't in your flyer but in some other's store's flyer, which is ridiculous because it was on RED paper and there's red in your logo, so it must be yours, and then she said my coupon wasn't even for a widget and besides that it was expired! I was so UPSET I had to stamp my foot and say a naughty word, and she still didn't go and get me a purple widget out of your back room! How rude!!

I demand restitution!!

Ms. Precious Princess

08-05-2010, 12:04 PM
Dear Ms. Princess,

Sorry but we can't accept expired coupons of any kind. Also, if you want a purple widget, I'll see if I can place an order for some and contact you when they come in.


Store Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I went up to the teller to deposit my paycheck when my cell phone rang. While I was talking on my phone, the teller had the nerve to take other people instead of waiting for me to finish my important phone call. I want this teller fired for being rude to me and not making the others wait. I also want $4,000 deposited into my checking account with no charge to make up for the humiliation I suffered or I'll close my account and take my business elsewhere.


C.L. Phone

08-06-2010, 04:58 PM
Dear Ms. Phone,

Can we get that in a notarized letter please? And do let us know when you are planning on closing out your account, so we can order supplies for the celebration.


R. Funk

Branch Manager
Wonderful Bank

Dear Fabric Store,

Even though I only used about 80% of the fabric that I bought for my project, your peon refused to refund any of my money. Most of the scraps were over 10 cm square too! I want the entire price of my project refunded, and someone to sew my next one as a good will gesture. Oh and it should go without saying that the stupid peon should be fired for daring to be rude to me.


Princess Outofit

08-17-2010, 11:58 AM
Dear Princess Outofit,

Sorry but we can only accept returns on unused items and we don't do project sewings for anyone. Also, the employee who refused the return has been promoted to a shift lead.


Fabric Store Manager

Dear Taco Restaurant Manager,

My son was wearing a jacket that he borrowed from a friend and your manager on duty had the nerve to dump fruit punch all over it. I demand that you fire this manager, replace the jacket, and pay the cleaning bill or I'll tell everyone I know to never eat at your restaurant again.


Mrs. Fruitpunch

08-17-2010, 04:04 PM
Dear Mrs. Fruitpunch,

After receiving your letter, we reviewed the security video from during the time of your visit.

They clearly show that no employees were nearby when the fruit punch was spilled on your son. What they actually show, is that your own baby kicked the drink over as you were changing its diaper on the table!

Thank goodness, I have implemented a thorough cleaning policy, and have very dependable employees that follow it very well. Fortunately, our video shows that the table you were at was thoroughly cleaned before the next customers sat down.

So, own up to your son's freinds' Mom, pay for the new jacket yourself, and hopefully your son will still have at least one friend.

Taco Restaurant Manager


Dear MegaHugeMassiveMart Corporation,

I was recently at your Whineville location, doing my shopping, when a fire happened to break out. Your store staff was very rude to me, insisting that I evacuate the store! Now, this fire was way back along the back wall, and I had already been back there, and had worked my way towards the front, and would have needed maybe only 5 or 10 more minutes to complete my shopping and check out.

I mean, this store takes took up an entire city block it would take forever for the fire to reach the front! Plus, the Fire Department should have been able to put it out long before then! Isn't that what I pay my taxes for?!? You can bet I'll be writing the Fire Chief after I finish this letter!

I refused to be denied my right to shop in your store as I wished, so your manager had the nerve to have me arrested!

I demand that you deliver the items I was wanting to purchase to me free of charge (see attached list), include a gift card for $100,000.00, rebuild the store immediately, pay for all of my expenses incurred because of my arrest, write to the appropriate court to get my record expunged, and put me up in the poshest hotel in my city for one week with unlimited services, to make up for the one night I spent in jail.

(Oh, BTW, when did your company stop allowing smoking in your stores?)

Kara LeSmoquer

08-27-2010, 08:12 PM
Dear MegaHugeMassiveMart Corporation,

I was recently at your Whineville location, doing my shopping, when a fire happened to break out. Your store staff was very rude to me, insisting that I evacuate the store! Now, this fire was way back along the back wall, and I had already been back there, and had worked my way towards the front, and would have needed maybe only 5 or 10 more minutes to complete my shopping and check out.

I mean, this store takes took up an entire city block it would take forever for the fire to reach the front! Plus, the Fire Department should have been able to put it out long before then! Isn't that what I pay my taxes for?!? You can bet I'll be writing the Fire Chief after I finish this letter!

I refused to be denied my right to shop in your store as I wished, so your manager had the nerve to have me arrested!

I demand that you deliver the items I was wanting to purchase to me free of charge (see attached list), include a gift card for $100,000.00, rebuild the store immediately, pay for all of my expenses incurred because of my arrest, write to the appropriate court to get my record expunged, and put me up in the poshest hotel in my city for one week with unlimited services, to make up for the one night I spent in jail.

(Oh, BTW, when did your company stop allowing smoking in your stores?)

Kara LeSmoquer

Damn, you win!:lol:

08-28-2010, 02:18 AM
Dear Kara LeSmoquer,

Our store stopped allowing smoking indoors well before it became city law to outlaw smoking in all indoor establishments. Cigarette smoke tends to make our products unappealing and unusable to our guests, as well as, you know, starting fires.

As far as your other requests, they will be granted as soon as Satan dons his heavy parka and snow-shovels his way out of his home.

Spineof Steele, CEO, MegaHugeMassiveMart Corporation


Dear Store Manager,

My darling precious little angel children noticed your fun little display of a dozen different animatronic toys arranged near the cash registers. Naturally, they wanted to play, and after checking each one to see which song it played, they pressed all of the buttons at once, over and over, to hear them in a nice, loud, happy little concert.

Imagine their distress when the cashier so rudely said, and I quote, "Please stop that." How dare that cow make demands of my little darlings and interrupt their funtime! Naturally, this cannot stand. I must insist that you give us a $1000 gift card, free groceries for a year and have that nasty cashier drawn and quartered and pilloried in front of the store!

Molly Coddled-Children

09-04-2010, 06:27 AM
Dear Mrs. Coddled-Children,

The reason my employee told your children to stop playing with the toys is because we need the batteries to last. Therefore, your requests are denied.


Store Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your store to quickly purchase some items. Since I was in a rush to get home and cook dinner and the lines were long, I rushed out of the store and took the items with me without paying for them. I don't appreciate the police being called on me and having to spend the night in a holding cell. I demand you replace the items I took from your store since they got ruined and a $400 gift card to make up for being arrested or I will never shop at your store again.


I. N. Rush

09-05-2010, 01:42 AM
Dear Mrs. Coddled-Children,

The reason my employee told your children to stop playing with the toys is because we need the batteries to last.
We also need the employees' sanity to last! :eek:

09-07-2010, 12:30 AM
Mrs. Rush,

As this is the fourth time we had to call the police on you, we feel no worry at your threat. You rarely "shop" at our store. You simply run around like a chicken with your head cut off, and either shout you have no time for it and run out of the store. Or you do what you've done so many times before and run out without paying. We have warned you many times about this. And now you DARE to demand retribution from us for having you arrested when you once again stole from us?

Ma'am I would like to inform you that you are now BANNED from our store. Don't bother appealing to Corporate, they agree with me.

I hope we never cross paths again;
Manny Ger
Dear Hotel Owner,

My wife and I decided to stay at your establishment during a hurricane. I had many plans to go sight seeing on the weekend, but was unable to due to the weather. I went to the Front Desk to complain. The girl was very helpful with other concerns, but seemed stunned by my latest request. How much trouble is it to make the Hurricane stop? It's not like I'm asking her to play God!

I demand a year's free stay, and perfect weather during my whole stay. If not, I will sue your hotel and all it's staff.

Yours Truly;
Thor Nado

09-07-2010, 10:14 PM
Dear Thor Nado-

We've received your letter and looked into your concerns. It's been determined that our company isn't liable for your dissatisfaction. YOU are the one who chose to stay during a HURRICANE, despite repeated requests that you leave, therefore not only putting yourself in harms' way but also our employees.

And no, we don't have the power to make hurricanes stop or change their course.

If you're still intent on suing, here's the number for our legal department (a copy of this letter as well as your original complaint has been forwarded to them as well):


Dog Bless and Good Luck-

Getta Life
Hotel Owner


Dear Towing Service-

Why have you been persecuting me for several weeks now? All I wanna do is park outside my apartment building sos I don't have far to walk, but your tow trucks keep showing up and towing my car off. I've gots my permits, but still yous keeps hounding me like I'm some sort of criminal.

It's a free country . . . I can park where I wanna. Either pay off my tickets and my permits for me for the rest of my residency at the apartment complez or I'll sue you for all the moeny in the word.

Ima Ditz

09-07-2010, 11:03 PM
I recognize this letter....so I'll take it!!!

Dear Ms Ditz,

As we have had numerous complaints of you double parking, smashing repeatedly into other cars while you vainly attempt to parrell park, block most of the side walk with your car, hit the panic button at 2 am because a cat sniffed the tires, and left it there for 4 weeks with 3 flat tires and smoke pouring out from under the hood for the better part of the day...I must repectfully decline your letter attempting to make us pay for your lack of brain cell.

You are also 4 months behind on rent and are hereby issued an eviction notice. Your car will be towed and your personal belongings will be left on the curb after one week if they are not removed before then.

Ms Spine
Resident manager


Dear Car Company,

I recieved a letter in the mail from you offering me either a free car, $25,000 cash, a big TV, or a vacation.

Naturally I went right to your shop and polietly told the service people why i was there. After waiting 2 hours and being told my credit sucks to bad to get a new car, I was given 3 gold coins and told to have a nice day!

I was BEYOND humaliated! I demand a new free car, AND either the cash or the new TV!

Or you WILL hear from my lawyers!

Ms Ema Whiner

09-11-2010, 03:54 AM
Dear Ms. Whiner,

In the future, I suggest reading the letters you receive more carefully including the fine print. Therefore, your request is denied.


Car Company Owner

Dear Laundromat Manager,

I recently brought a load of clothes to your laundromat since my washer and dryer were broken. When I was there, I poured the soap and some orange powder into the washing machine after I put the clothes in. Once my laundry was washed and dried, all of my clothes were bright orange. I demand you do my laundry for free and return my ruined clothes to normal or I will never use your laundromat again.


Mrs. Ritdye

09-11-2010, 05:56 AM
Dear Mrs. Ritdye,

Thank you for including your name and address with your letter. We now know who ruined our washing machine with cheap dye. Enclosed is the bill for our new machine. If no payment is forthcoming, it will be forwarded to the Broken Kneecaps Collection Agency, who will take great pleasure in making you see the error of your ways.

Lon Dromat, manager


Dear Store Manager,

My fifty friends and I parked all our cars in your lot to take the Park-N-Ride to the game (their lot was full). Imagine our shock when we came back to find our cars had been towed! Yes, we saw the "Store Parking Only -- Violators Will Be Towed" signs all over the parking lot, but we didn't think you were serious. I mean, come on, it was the Big Game!

We demand that you pay our towing and recovery fines and let us park there when we want to, or we'll never shop at your store again and buy whatever it is you sell.

Jacque Strap

09-28-2010, 06:53 AM
Dear Mr. Strap,

Our parking lot is for our paying customers only-no exceptions. Also, we will not pay the fine since you and your friends parked in our lot.


Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I recently bought some ground beef and consumed some as soon as I got home. The next day, I ended up with food poisoning and had to call out of work. I demand you put a sign up warning your customers not to eat raw meat. I also want an $80 gift card to make up for having to miss a day of work.


Mr. Raw Meat

Grape The Cat
09-28-2010, 11:25 PM
Dear Mr Meat:
I am sorry to hear of your illness. However, we have checked the meat in question and have found that they do carry labels that tell how to safely enjoy the meat. We have also checked and have found no recalls regarding the meat you purchased. Therefore, I must regretfully deny your requests.
S.F. Food


Dear Waltargmart:
I recently went to one of your stores and was appalled at the ;lack of customer service. I grabbed a cart from the shopping lot and found it was wet. It was raining on the day of my visit but that is no excuse for the abject laziness of your employees. When i contacted management I was offered a dry cart from inside the store. I shouldn't have to go inside on wet days to get a dry cart. Your employees should bring dry carts out to me. i am the customer. I am always right. To make up for this appalling customer service I demand $50,000 in gift cards the entire store fired, and a handwritten letter of apology from your CEO. If you fail to meet my demands i will contact the media who will have a field day with the way you abuse your customers.

Dee Rama Queen

Princess J
09-30-2010, 03:53 PM
Dear Wannabe Queen of the Universe,

You do realize, of course, that if you would like to shop indoors is probably the best place for that, and not the parking lot. It seems you are a woman of contradictions, so I'll tell you what. Next time you are in the store I will have an employee nicknamed The Hose personally wet it for you.

As for your request for a handwritten apology by our CEO, when he heard the contents of your letter, he laughed so hard he had an aneyurism and died on the spot. We will be sending you the bill for his funeral expenses, which is good because I hear renting out Madison Square Garden can be quite expensive.

Cram it,

Miss Manager

P.S. I wouldn't say anything to the media if I were you. I did a little research on your family, and you guys are incestuous enough to make any creepy male in a V.C. Andrews novel shudder.

To whom it may concern,

I was recently in your store to purchase some electronics. Youe extremely rude and unhelpful employee pointed out it was a coffee shop, and I wanted Big X store down the street. I ignored her, as she was obviously insane, and asked her fellow employee where the big screen TVs were. He had the unmitigated gall to laugh in my face. Failing to get some assistance, I figured they would need to be persuaded to help me, so I pulled out my assault rifle. I demand that you fire your rude employees. I further demand the dismissal of the living of the eight arresting officers.


Al Ladinsayne

Lace Neil Singer
10-05-2010, 12:04 AM
Dear Mr Ladinsayne,

I thank you for your letter, as it means that the attourny general will, after all, be able to press for the death penalty in your trial. What a weight off my mind it would be to know that you will be electrocuted.

Yours, Mr Manager.


Dear Gamestop Management,

I am utterly disgusted at the staff that you employ. I demand that you fire the girl with red and blonde hair who told me that I could not purchase the most recent Mortal Kombat game for my four year old son. He is in fact extremely mature for his age, so it doesn't matter that he's younger than the minimum age on the game. I am the customer and I am always right. In order for me to continue to shop in your store, I would like a £50 gift voucher and a grovelling apology.

Yours, Ms Awphulmum.

10-05-2010, 01:03 AM
Ms. Awphulmum-

We've reviewed your complaint and have decided that our employee acted in your child's best interest regarding the Mortal Kombat game.

We have given the employee in question a $50 gift card for her exemplary customer service regarding the incident and have named her Employee of the Quarter.

Thank you for letting us know about the excellent experience you had at our store and we invite you to shop with us again - provided you can prove you're mature enough to pick out an age appropriate game for your child.


I. R. Lafin
Area Manger


Dear Clearance Swamp-

Yesterday I wuz in yer store in Inbred, Wisconsin and had the wurst experienze of mah life so fur.

I has reeceently bught a Krups coffeemaeker and couldn't find the filterz for the damn thing. I wanderes de store forever trying to find hellp and when I finally did he din't now what kind of filters my machine uses.

This is unaccekptable and he made me crye all the way home, even thoughs I'd found some filters I don thik theyze the right oones.

I wants a $1,000,000 gift card and a personal apoloogy from the employee who upset me so - his name was something with an Eye - and I want it broadcast on national tv - preferably on the only show worth watching - Jerry Springer.

You have a week to reply otherwise I"m going to the media-


Weepie DramaQueen

Grape The Cat
10-08-2010, 08:25 PM
Dear Ms. DramaQueen-
I have reviewed the incident at our Inbred (WI)store and have come to the conclusion that no one did you wrong. The employee in question tried to help you but you did not have sufficient information. You request for a $1, 000,000 gift card is hearby denied. We have talked to Mr. Springer but he said that the subject was to bizarre for his show. Thank you for letting us no about your experience at Clearance Swamp.

Hank R. Chief
Clearance Swamp Customer relations


Dear Manager:

I recently went to one of your BBQ shops and i sat down and awaited service. No one served me for 30 minutes. When i brought this to the attention of your idiot employee she said i was in a closed section. I am the customer. I can sit anywhere I want, and i don't have to wait for a hostess to seat me. When i asserted my rights as a customer your racist manager called the police and i was arrested. I want my bail paid, my record expunged, all people involved in this incident fired, and free meals for life. If I don't get these requests met i will alert the media as to your racist and idiotic way of doing business.


Race Card
prisoner #157396

10-16-2010, 08:29 AM
Dear Race Card,

That section was closed because no one was available to cover it. Also, your fighting with the manager has caused all of your requests to be denied.


BBQ Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came across an employee, asked her for help, and she had the nerve to tell me that she was off the clock. I told her that she was going to help me anyway and she told me no and walked away. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and not willing to work for free. I also want free groceries and a $200 gift card to make up for this poor experience.


Mrs. Important

10-18-2010, 12:03 AM
Dear Ms. Important,

It was not that our associate was unwilling to help you when he was off the clock. He really couldn't help you at all. As you may not already know, I will explain. In our region it is illegal for anyone to work when they are not on the clock. So, had our associate helped you, he would have broken the law. The store would then have gotten into a lot of legal issues, and we would like to prevent that. As costly court dates mean we have to raise prices. I'm sure you don't want us to raise prices.

Also, I talked to the young man in question. He was actually doing his own grocery shopping on that day, and wasn't even in uniform. We are very happy you come to our store so often that you are able to recognize our associates when they aren't even in uniform. However, as I said before, it is illegal for us to have ANY off our workers serve customers when they are not on the clock.

So I will not be firing the associate. Nor will I give you your free groceries and gift car. If the boy had done what you wanted, the store would have been going up against a lot of legal action. So by denying you, and following the law, he saved us a lot of money. Well over the amount we gain from your patronage.

We hope you will continue to shop with us, though

Marshal Law

Dear Krazy Kow Ice Cream Company,
Last week I went to one of your warehouse stores and bought a commercial sized tub of "Milky Way Swirl". I ate the whole package once I got home. I then got violently ill. There is no warning on your packaging stating that eating 10 gallons of ice cream in one sitting might make you ill.

I demand you put that warning on all packages from now on. Also, I would like a free tub of "Milky Way Swirl" as I ralphed up the last one I purchased.

Noah Commonsense

Irving Patrick Freleigh
10-18-2010, 12:16 AM
Dear Commonsense:

The commercial size tubs of our ice cream are meant for larger gatherings. You know, multiple people. Not singular people who eat for multiple people.

Enclosed please find a coupon for a commercial-sized tub of our newest flavor: Asparagus and Anchovie Avalanche. Hope your spoon's ready.

Krazy Kow

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Dear Ye Olde Porne Shoppe:

This corncob strap-on you sold me is defective! The cob broke off after only sixteen seconds of use.

And the braided rope strap is uncomfortable to me my partner. "Purveyors of Fine Perversions" my foot!

Give me my money back or allow me to trade the strap-on in for some buffalo tallow lube.

Andy Butt

10-18-2010, 03:39 AM
Dear Mr. Butt,

There seems to be an error here. We do not sell any corncob strap-ons. Stable Supply next door does sell a dried ear of corn on a rope, apparently it's a treat for chickens. Perhaps you went there, instead?

Phil Latio, manager, Ye Olde Porne Shoppe

* * * * *

Dear Fabric Store Manager,

I wanted to make this beautiful dress, but your employee was not helpful at all. She refused to stop ringing up the long line of people to help me find a pattern, no matter how politely I snapped my fingers at her, insisting that I had to read the pattern books! Then after I bought the pattern, it had nothing but a bunch of paper in it! No thread, no fabric, no notions, nothing! I had to go back to the store and buy all this extra stuff! And to top it off, your employee wouldn't sew the dress for me, or even cut out the pieces, just a length of fabric!

This is horrible service. I demand a gift card for the nearest Macy's and that employee's severed head on a plate.

Yours truly,
Ida Wanna-Sew

Lace Neil Singer
10-18-2010, 02:46 PM
Dear Ms Wanna-Sew,

You seem to be labouring under the delusion that we employ servants, rather than shop assistants. If you wish to hire a maid to sew your dress for you, I would advise you to look in the appropriate slot in the newspaper to see if there are any available. Due to this error of yours, we will not be sending you a gift card.


Fabric Store Manager.


Dear Manager of Shopmart,

I am utterly disgusted with one of your employees. I wanted someone to carry my shopping to the car, so I patted the shoulder of what I thought was a young lady in order to get their attention so that they may assist me. They turned round and I found to my horror that the young lady was in fact a young man. Why do you allow your male employees to look like dirty layabouts by allowing them to grow their hair? I demand a gift card, and also for the employee to be forced to have a short back and sides before he comes back to work.

Yours, Mrs Oldbat.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
10-18-2010, 06:20 PM
Dear Oldbat:

That "dirty layabout" happens to be one of our best employees, and we find nothing wrong with his hairstyle or the hairstyles of any of our employees.

Instead of fishing for freebies, I think your time might be better spent torture-testing laxatives or planning your funeral or something.

Shopmart Manager

================================================== =====================

Dear Gum Manufacturer:

My son recently saw your commercial with the farting penguins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMwIjOBGw7o) and thought that by releasing his flatulence he could fly.

So he jumped off our third-floor balcony while farting. He's now in a coma.

Pay for my son's medical bills and put a warning in your commercials that farting does not enable one to fly.

Ima Ted Gassy

10-18-2010, 11:30 PM
Dear Mr. Gassey-

I'm very sorry to hear of your son's misfortune, however, we do not feel that your son's actions were caused by viewing our commercial.

We did receive the medical records and due to the fact that lab tests showed your son had cocaine and alcohol as well as marijuana in his bloodstream at the time he was admitted to the hospital, we will not be paying one cent toward his lack of judgment.

I suggest you take up the situation pertaining to the medical bills with your insurance company.


I. R. Serius



Dear Lube Guys-

Last week I took my car in for the 29.99 oil change/tune up special only to be given a higher price.

It shouldn't matter that I have a 6 figure bank account and drive a Mercedes that costs more than you'll ever make in 20 years . . . I'm entitled to the special and that's what I want.

And if I don't get the special, then I'm going to every tv station in the area and tell them all about your false advertising.

You have a week to respond or I'll start by contacting Channel 9 wants to know.

Mr. Schmalldick

Grape The Cat
10-24-2010, 03:57 PM
Dear Mr. Schmalldick:
Our employees could not perform the $29,99 service on your car because your requires special oil and filters. If our employees did perform the service on your car, it might have damaged the car's engine. Therefore, your requests are denied. By the way, I own a Mercedes.

Sincerely ,

Jermaine Carr
Oil/Lube Customer relations


Dear Gas station manager,

I recently went to one of your stations and I had a horrific experience. I got out of my car to fill up the tank and I saw a no smoking sign! Excuse me??? I am the customer I can smoke wherever I want. When i asked your employee why you had such Gestapo measures, she told me it was for "safety reasons".That's a load of crap, you just want to violate my civil rights by restricting my right to smoke. I will be contacting the state attorney general, and all the news media unless you remove your draconian policies and give me free gasoline for life.
Hugh Jim Bissel

10-25-2010, 07:44 AM
Dear Mr. Bissel,

It's illegal to smoke at gas pumps because it could cause a fire and the gas station could burn down. Anyone you care to contact will tell you the same thing so your free gas will be denied.


Gas Store Manager

Dear Convience Store Manager,

I was pumping gas so I sent my 8 year old daughter inside the store to buy my cigarettes for me. Your rude employee refused to honor the note I sent in with my daughter. I had to come in and buy the cigarettes myself. I want the rude employee fired and a case of free cigarettes. Also, I had my daughter take a soda without paying for it. I also pulled the hose out of my car and drove off without paying for the gas.

You need to start honoring these types of notes. If you don't, I will never shop here again.


Cig. R. Ette

Irving Patrick Freleigh
10-25-2010, 11:46 AM
Dear Ette:

Thank you for admitting to several felonies.

Thanks further for providing us your home address via the return address label on your envelope. We have contacted the local police in your area.

Sticking it to the man: You're doing it wrong.


Laffin M. Ashoff


Dear IKEA:

My son bought several pieces of furniture from you for my house. It all came disassembled. How can you expect an 80-year-old woman such as myself to put together such heavy furniture by herself?

Sell assembled furniture or offer assembly service. And also give me a $500 gift card for my trouble.

Ima Feeb

11-07-2010, 10:26 AM
Dear Mrs. Feeb,

Sorry, but we don't offer that kind of service. Your gift card has been denied.


IKEA Manager

Dear Mini Mart Manager,

I don't appreciate you having me arrested for putting a lighter in my purse. They were only $1 and you have plenty of them and can always buy more. I demand you drop the charges against me since you had no right to have me arrested for taking a lighter. I also want an $800 gift card to make up for being humiliated in public or I will set your store on fire.


Mrs. Lighter

Grape The Cat
11-07-2010, 03:40 PM
Dear Mrs. Lighter,
You were arrested for shoplifting. The price of the item is irrelevant, you stole from our store and that was the reason you were arrested. Your gift card request is denied, as it was your actions that led to you being "humiliated in public" , also in light of your threat to burn down our store, we have forwarded your letter to the police.

N.O. Bull
store manger


Dear manager:
I went to one of your stores yesterday and was appalled at the level of service. I had an empty bottle of face cream, which did not work for me. I was only past your return window by two lousy weeks. I was offered a gift card, i did not pay with a gift card I paid with my Visa. I am a mature, educated, proud woman
and your employees are idiots. I want cash back or a refund on my Visa card, I also would like all the employees I talked to fired and a $1,000 gift card to make up for the poor service I received. If I do not get these things I will never shop at your store again.

Ima Snob

11-08-2010, 03:35 AM
Dear Ima,

You say you will never shop at our store again. May we get that in writing?

Vertie Brate, store manager


Dear store manager,

I was in your store doing some shopping on Christmas Eve. Your employee said they were closing the store at 6 PM and asked me to take my things to the cashier. Well, that's not my problem, I had so many people to shop for, and I do like to take my time. So what if it was 10:30 when I got to the cash register? Your employees had no right to be so rude to me! They're only store employees, who cares about them? I am the CUSTOMER!

Then, after ringing up my 300 items, they had the nerve to get annoyed with me when three of my credit cards were declined! I cannot believe I was treated so badly, and on Christmas Eve, too! Don't your employees have any Christmas spirit? I want a $100,000 gift card to make up for my humiliation, and to be allowed to shop at all hours. Also, I want those employees drawn and quartered. You can get new trained monkeys anywhere!

Ida Knott-Care

11-23-2010, 11:36 PM
Dear Ms. Knott-Care,

Your inconsideration for our closing time has caused our employees to be paid overtime and cost them time with their own families. Because of this, we will not give you a gift card and you will be escorted to the checkout if you ever ignore our closing announcements again.


Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went to an empty checkout, put my stuff on the belt, and no one came over to serve me. After waiting for 5 minutes, I spotted an employee and demanded that she ring me up. She had the nerve to tell me that the drawer had been pulled and that I would have to go to an open checkout. I told her to get the drawer and she refused. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $200 gift card to make up for the humiliation I suffered. Also, I want you to tell your employees not to pull any drawers until after the store is closed.


Mrs. Special

Grape The Cat
11-24-2010, 12:00 AM
Dear Mrs Special:
That particular register was empty because it was closed. The employee you mentioned was on her way to a meal break and thus could not help you without getting locked out of our system. Your requests for the employee's termination and a $200 gift card are declined.

Justin Thyme
Store manager

Dear Aid of Rite manager:
I was in your store yesterday and had to deal with disgusting people. They were overweight, as a lifelong advocate of non-disgusting people I find it appalling that i should have to share a line with such people. From now on I demand that two lines be set up one for disgusting people and one for non-disgusting people such as me. To make up for the hideous emotional trauma caused by having to be around people that disgusting I demand a $2,500 gift card, if you do not respond to my demands i will contact the media.

Bea Yotch

11-25-2010, 12:14 PM
Dear Bea Yotch,

Unfortunately we are unable to determine the criteria that would require customers to be segregated, furthermore that would be in breach of the law. That said, while we are unable to provide the $2500 gift card, we have instead provided two men in white coats to get you to a place where there are no more "disgusting people" as you refer to them. Also good luck contacting the media-this special place does not allow contact with anyone except for family and friends.


Ms. Awe. Some.

Dear Store Manager,

I was in your store the other day when I saw a woman lift her baby out of its pram, open her shirt, drape a sarong over the baby and let her baby breastfeed in FRONT OF EVERYBODY! I don't care if the baby is hungry, I can't whip my boobs out in public so why should she be allowed to breastfeed in public? I don't care if she's covered up and discreet, I demand that you give me free groceries for life to compensate for the trauma I had to witness for seeing this horrible display. If you do not give me this gift card I will not only never shop here again, but I will also contact the media and the ACCC and tell them how horrible you are.


Ms. In. Considerate.

(Note=ACCC is the government body who investigates consumer affairs in Ausland)

11-28-2010, 04:25 AM
Dear In. Considerate,

Unlike whatever hole you crawled out of, breastfeeding is legal in public here in Australia. Though many stores are not supportive of breastfeeding mothers, we here at Mother-Baby Central provide a safe place for mothers to feed their children while shopping for their specific needs.

Speaking of which, what part of "This is not a grocery store" did you miss? Unless you serve nursing bras or pumps for tea, I would suggest that you haul ass down to Coles and stop staring at my cleavage before you give your sexuality away.... not that we have a problem with the fact that you're a closeted lesbian, but you're creeping out the new mothers.

Good bye and good riddence,

Mai Boo Bees
Store Manager






b. iTCH.

11-28-2010, 03:23 PM
Dear b. iTCH,

Now that my eyes have stopped ringing, I can answer your letter. Take a look at your keyboard. Look all the way to the left side. No, the other left. Look, hold your hands straight out, palms facing away from you, with your index finger and thumb pointing out. See the one that looks like the letter "L"? That is your left. Now, look at that side of the keyboard, right in the middle on the edge of the left side.

You see that key that says, "Caps Lock"? Press it once. No, just once. Press it until the little light titled "A" goes off. Good. Now your capital letters are unlocked and you should have no trouble signing in to your account with the caps-sensitive password.

Thank you.
Ura Schmuck, Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee Technical Support


Dear fabric store manager,

I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving because I wanted to get those fantastic deals you had advertized. The lines were ridiculous. I had to wait two hours in a line that wrapped halfway around the store. Then when I got to the cutting counter, the cutter wouldn't give me 15 quarter yard cuts from each of the 43 bolts of fabric I'd chosen! It's not like I asked a lot! She said it would hold up the line. To hell with them, I waited, they can wait!

Then to top it off, it turns out I'd have to stand in another line to pay for it! Well, that's ridiculous. I dumped my fabric on the floor and stormed out. I demand a $100,000 gift card for my trouble and from now on, don't let anyone else shop there when I'm there!

Ann Titlement-Queen

11-28-2010, 03:45 PM
Dear Ms. Titlement-Queen,

Your demand for a gift card and a shop all to yourself was met with much laughter by all of my employees, especially since we JUST finished cleaning up the mess you and the others of your ilk left behind.

I'm not sure what you were planning to make with your fabric selections of puce and mustard, but the gold lame really won't make them any better, and neither will the fluorescent yellow. Fortunately, we were going to clearance those, so the fact that you didn't pay for your $425 worth of fabric won't hurt us too much since they'll just be added to the remnant piles.

However, you have earned a perma-ban for threatening our cashier with a plastic salmon. We have also passed around your name and picture to the other local fabic stores for a good laugh, so you might have problems finding a place to put up with your abuse. May I suggest that you do your fabric shopping online?


Joann F. Ricks


To Whom It May Concern:

Much to my display, when I attempted to call for support on Thursday, your office was closed. My business is very important, and your office claims to provide support 7 days per week, but OBVIOUSLY this is a falsehood.

When I called on Sunday, the young woman sounded shocked when I accused her of not doing her job, stammering out something about Thanksgiving. Well, I certainly wasn't giving thanks to a company that wasn't open!

I INSIST that your office remain open every day of the year, even if your employees want a pesky holiday. I'm self-employed so I work every day of the year, so your company should too! Any day off that you have causes me to lose business!

Please consider that I may take my business elsewhere, even though you are the largest and best provider in the area and the only one that actually provides phone support in the evenings and weekends... the fact that were you closed on Thursday when I NEEDED you negates any good that you have to offer!


Ree L. Tor

PS. I know the CEO and I will be discussing this with her.

(And yes, I just had this call. Seriously.)

Grape The Cat
12-13-2010, 12:34 AM
Dear Ms Tor,
The reason you could not reach our employees was because it was Thanksgiving. Our employees have such days off. While I appreciate that you work "every day of the year" it would not be viable for us to make our employees follow such a schedule. You are free to take your business elsewhere, however I know of no company that offers 24/7/365 service.


Ann U. Itty

Dear Manager:

My daughter went to your gas station the other day and she had a horrible experience. She needed gas but your so-called "employee" made her wait. She drove a new Lexus she should get service before any of the people in trashy cars. She waited for THREE MINUTES for someone to come to her but no one didi she left and ran out of gas. Since all of this was caused by your refusal to follow proper social protocol. You are responsible for my daughter's emotional trauma and therapy, her cell phone bill and the towing fees. Pay my daughter's bills and wit on her first whenever she comes to your station. She is worth more than you are any of your grubby employees.

Alexis Driver

12-13-2010, 12:42 AM
Dear Miss Tor,

We give employees major holidays off so they can spend time with their families. Enclosed is a travel agent package since we believe you need a vacation from working 24/7.



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I told the service desk employee to watch my 4 year old daughter. She gave me an excuse of having too much work to do while standing there doing nothing. I want this employee fired for being rude to me by refusing to watch my daughter so I could shop. Since I'm expecting another daughter in a couple months, I also want a $2,000 gift card, free baby formula, and free diapers or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Children

12-13-2010, 02:00 AM
Dear Ms. Driver and Mrs. Children,

I'm typing this up as one letter, and sending a copy to each of you, as this is quite intriguing.

It appears that both of you, or in the case of Ms. Driver, it was your daughter, visited my business; the grocery store with gasoline available. Are the two of you related? Sisters perhaps? The reason I ask, is I can picture the 4 year old Children youngster, becoming just like the young Miss Driver in about 12 to 13 years. Feeling that the world owes her something, in part by emulating Mommy and her expectations of service people, and in part for being needy in general, due to negligent parenting.

Ms. Driver, I see you live in New Jersey. Unlike there and in Oregon my business that your daughter visited offers only Self-service gas, because my State, and 47 others trust that people are smart enough to pump their own gas, without blowing the whole town up. (Then again, maybe Jersey and Oregon are onto something.) So, your daughter if able bodied, was responsible for pumping her own gas.

Mrs. Children, We are NOT a childcare service. 'nuff said!

So, my answer to you both, regarding your demands, is NO! And I weep for those who will be our future adults.


Ethyl Asparagus


Dear Department Store Manager:

Imagine my horror, when I drove clear across town in inclement weather, pre-paid $25.00 and waited in line for two hours, only to have that Santa you had there make my nine month old baby cry!

I have never been so appalled in my life!

I can't believe you would hire such a scary Santa! I'm afraid my little precious baby will be scarred for life by this traumatic experience!

I demand, a full refund, reimbursement for gas, photoshopping of the pictures to make my baby look happy, (and they better be perfect and look real!), a $500.00 gift card, and full payment for my child to go to therapy over the next 17 years and three months!

Ima Lou Zeemom

12-13-2010, 02:31 AM
Dear Ms. Zeemom,

We do make every effort for our store Santa to be as kindly, jolly, and fun for the kids as we can. I spoke to the gentleman who is playing Santa for us this year about your child, and was told that when you approached with your infant, he wasn't sure how to react. He assumed that you understood that only human children are allowed in the store, and that while the idea of having a photo of your pet chimpanzee taken on the lap of Santa was a cute idea, it was beyond the purview of his employment. May we suggest the Santa at the local pet store?


Dirk McQuickly
Big Ol' Department Store

*** *** ***

Dear manager,

I was shopping at your store today and I must say that your restrooms are quite lovely and clean. However, I was distressed to see that I was unable to remove the toilet paper roll from its holder. Your toilet paper is placed as a convenience to your customers. How am I to have toilet paper at home if I can't have the paper you provide? Unrolling the entire roll is messy. I'd like to be able to take the whole roll with me.

Thank you,

Ima Niddiot

Grape The Cat
12-14-2010, 02:26 PM
Dear Ms. Niddoit:
The toilet paper is from our backroom stock, and if you took any without paying you would be shoplifting. In addition the toilet paper is there for the use of all our customers. But thank you for your letter now we know what happened to the 5 rolls of toilet paper that mysteriously vanished.

Jan I. Tore
Dear manger of big blue store:
My daughter was recently mistreated in such an awful way that I brings me to tears thinking about it. She was arrested for shoplifting in your store. First of all she was just the lookout she wasn't doing any stealing, and it wasn't her idea to shoplift anyway, it was the idea of one of her friends who has been suspended 5 times from school and is a trouble maker. the arrest is illegal anyway since the person who detained them wasn't in uniform. i demand a full public and a hand written,apology , dismissal of the charges against my innocent daughter , and a $500,000 gift card. If you do not give me these things I will go to the media and tell them how you mistreated my poor innocent daughter.

Patty Larceni

12-18-2010, 04:40 AM
Dear Ms. Larceni,

Since your daughter knew about the shoplifting and was the lookout, that makes her an accomplice so we will not drop the charges. Also, your requests for an apology and gift card are denied.


Blue Store Manager

Dear College Dean,

You had absolutely no right to expel me. All I did was make a copy of the test answers for my algebra test so I could pass my midterm. I broke into the faculty lounge late at night, found the test, made a copy, and left. If you don't let me back in your college, I will plant cherry bombs all over campus.


C.H. Eater

12-18-2010, 03:18 PM
Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs./Miss/Other Eater,

On the off chance that you should be reading this e-mail, before Homeland Security comes knocking at your door, I thought I'd let you know that the only thing you will be planting is cherry tomatoes in the Federal Prison Sustainable Garden.

See ya in 20 years or so! :wave:


Dr. Dean Colliege; PHD,
College Dean
Cole-Edge College


Dear Auto Manufacturer,

I was thoroughly appalled, when I visited the Parts Department of your Authorized Dealer in my Town, and they did not have a steering knuckle in stock for my 1960 Putzmobile!

I could actually understand a part that is a bit obscure, and belonging to such an old vehicle not being in stock, (although that shows extremely poor Customer Service), but to find out that it's no longer being manufactured, thus couldn't be over-nighted from your main warehouse is unacceptable. Further, this part is unique to my year of Putzmobile. It was redesigned for my year, and then again the next year. Why in God's name did you do that?!?

This would not be such a big issue, except that I had planned to go to the Annual Putzmobile Wintermeet this weekend, so had gone to pull the car out of my garage a couple days ahead of time to change the oil and wash it, when I discovered the steering knuckle issue.

So, instead of being at the Wintermeet, I'm sitting here on a Saturday Morning, typing this letter to you.

I demand full restoration of my Putzmobile, (the last resto is about ten years old), free Dealer service on any and all of your cars I own for the rest of my life, and oh, yes, a free one of them new fangled electric cars you're introducing this model year.


Mort R. Head

Lace Neil Singer
12-18-2010, 08:00 PM
Dear Mr Head,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles; however, the only help I can offer is a recommendation to try ebay or drive a more modern vehicle.


Mr Couldntgiveatoss, Auto Manufacturer.


Dear Manager of Super-Market,

I came into your store after it had snowed and tried to stock up with milk for the coming days ahead. I filled two trolleyloads and then along with my husband, walked to checkouts. To my utter disgust, the cashier refused to allow me to buy the milk. She muttered about some crap about rationing the milk to two bottles per person, but to my mind, who cares if some lazy old lady doesn't get any just cuz I swiped the lot? She should have gotten here earlier, that's what I say.

I demand a full written apology, a gift voucher and the cashier to be given full customer service retraining... outside in the cold so she can be inconvienienced just as much as she inconvienienced me.

Yours, Mrs Ima Greedybtch.

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-18-2010, 10:07 PM
Dear Greedybitch:

Our ad flyers and in-store signage clearly states "Limit two per person."

If you need more milk than that, I suggest you invest in your own cow or a breast milk pump.

Super-Market Manager


Dear Ebay:

Why the f:censored: did you throw me off ebay? Show me the rule that says I can't respond to negative feedbacks with "f:censored: you" or send disgruntled buyers a horse head free of charge.

What are these idiots complaining for anyhow? So what if I waited three weeks to send their stuff out and sent them broken items instead of the pristine ones pictured in my auctions? I'm very sick and I need the money.

I had a long history of selling with you and many satisfied customers. I'm taking all my business to Craigslist from now on.


12-20-2010, 03:53 PM
Dear Roy

I'm sorry to hear that you felt upset when you were taken down for fraudulent transactions. Our rules clearly specify our right to do that. Also your behavior was motive enough to take your account down. Thank you for revealing your address to us. You see, the other customers you cheated wanted your address to send their subpoena against you, and now we can make them happy again.

We will also sue you for all the damage you caused to our brand.

We are sorry to hear that Craiglist is threatened to handle your affairs. We will make sure they know what type of "customer" you are. As for you being sick, we believe you. Only sick people send horse heads to clients.

Your long history of selling is going to end really soon, and you'll be awarded with free accommodations for a long time on behalf of the state. Your address has already been sent to the police.

Bit E. Meschmuck
Ebay Fraud Division


Dear HellP Computers

I'm very disappointed with your support when I called for help as I assembled the computer I bought from you!

First In the supplied instructions (which btw are faulty) you mention that when I push the button in the middle of the case I would see images on the TV thing. I did see a big black nothing!

Apparently, you don't know nothing! Why should I open all those windows? Don't you know it's freezing cold? Who will pay for the heating costs if I must have all those windows open just to use my computer?

Second. When you told me that the thick black cord must be plugged in the wall I told that it was in the extension cord. My friend told me that to avoid having viruses the extension cord must plug into itself. Why should the computer be plugged into the wall? It's WIRELESS!!!

Third. Your support representative, Steve or Jo-Ann or whatever the idiot is called, had the nerve to imply that I ruined the computer and that no refund will be given, by taking it apart and tidying all those black squares that were on the green plate. They were all scattered around, now the computer should function much better as I glued them into one corner.

I demand that you fix my computer without charge. I also demand that you give me enough computers to start a LAN party in my college.These must be the latest model with the fastest hardware there is. And Finally I WANT A NEW MOOOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!!oneeleven!!!!!

Don't come with your sh*t that I don't know what I'm talking. I've bought 1 million different master grades in computer science!

Ikno W. Computer
Supereducated Computer Master

12-22-2010, 01:25 AM
[HellP Computers' Lead Tech's Brain] BSOD [/HellP Computers' Lead Tech's Brain]


Dear Milton & Margaret's Toy Store,

Your small toy store is only a few blocks away from where I live.

I lead a very busy life, and was hoping to do some of my Christmas shopping during non-traditional store hours.

When I heard that Toys-B-We was going to be open 88 hours straight leading up to Christmas, I figured you would do the same thing in order to remain competitive.

Imagine my horror, when my friend who shopped there earlier today, told me that you were only going to be open your normal hours. (She had asked whichever one of you that had waited on her, knowing I was curious as to whether you'd be open the extended hours.)

I realize that both of you are 95 years old, and just the two of you have owned and run your store for 70 years, but I think this shows very poor customer service. I was really hoping to avoid the five mile drive each way to get to We-B-Toys, to buy my Children's presents.

I think you should reconsider this decision, and if not, allow me to go on a $1,000.00 shopping spree, (I'm quite sure a small operation such as yours does not have gift cards or certificates available), sometime after the Holidays, (Although i don't know when I could ever make it in, since I lead a very busy life!)

I mean, Think of the Children!!


Ima Vera Bizzy-Entitledperson

Irving Patrick Freleigh
12-22-2010, 11:38 PM
Dear Entitledperson :

You young whippersnappers with your busy schedules and your Smirnoff Ices and your Billy Joel and your Atari video games! In our day, stores were open 3 hours a day and closed weekends, and by gar we got along just fine!

You people have attention spans that can only be measured in MTV music videos. I wouldn't have my store open that long or give you a $1,000 shopping spree if Mildred and I both got a gold-plated colostomy bag out of the deal.

Uncle Milty


Dear California Pizza Kitchen:

I was in one of your restaurants around the Fourth of July with some friends and tried to use a coupon when I ordered.

Imagine my shock and horror when the server told us the coupon I tried to use wouldn't be accepted! Something about an "expiration date" or something. I then went to the general manager of the restaurant, who also told me that the coupon was invalid. So we left and dined elsewhere.

Give me a gift card or I will quote obscure stock prices, some from the wrong company, as a way of letting everybody know how much you suck.

Kent Letitgo

Grape The Cat
12-23-2010, 01:21 PM
Dear Mr. Lititgo:
We have reviewed the information pertaining to your experience and have determined that our employees complied with company rules regarding coupons. When a coupon is expired, it is no longer valid and we can no longer accept it. Therefore your request for a gift card is denied. In addition We are sending you the bill for the salad and drinks that you ordered and ate but apparently forgot to pay for. If you do not pay this bill promptly we will charge you with theft and ban you from all of our stores.


Rick Otta
California Pizza Kitchen

Dear Food Store manager:

I went to your store the day before Thanksgiving and I was told that you ran out of Butterball turkeys. You had other turkeys in stock but I did not want them. Your rude and unprofessional staff told me you were all out. I told them that they should go to another store and buy one for me since I would be inconvenient to me to have to go elsewhere. Your rude and unprofessional worker refused to do so, therefore my family had nothing to eat on Thanksgiving Day, and the entire day was ruined. I would like a full apology a $50,000 gift card to you and your competitors and all of the employees who served me fired. If you do not do as I say I will call the attorney general, and the local media. In addition I will tell all of my friends and family to never shop in your store again.


Lotta Dee Mands

12-23-2010, 02:06 PM
Dear Lotta Dee Mands,

First of all, let me express me sincere condoluences for the trama caused to you by my staff. I wish to address each of you complaints as fully as I can.

First, you commented that you were shopping for your turkey the day before thanksgiving and were intent on purchasing a butterball turkey, a variety that is only sold frozen in our stores. Without the minimum required time to properly thaw the bird, your attempt to cook and serve it could result in severe illness for you and your family. You may address the letter of thanks to the employee who did not sell you a frozen bird the evening before.

Second, you expressed extreme dismay that you were asked to drive to a competitor's store. I understand your distress, as our employees are supposed to encourage you to buy a better, more expensive, brand at our store. i have retrained all employees to attempt to upsell you to the pre thawed organic farm turkeys. I am sure in the future you will be able to get an even better turkey and a much lighter wallet to assist you in the long walk to your vehicle.

And as a final point of concern, upon reviewing the tapes from that attempted purchase, we found that when you, a five foot tall blond woman, attempted to peel out of the parking lot in your SUV that could carry an entire football team - and I mean the pros - you hit three other cars and took out a young tree. We managed to contact all of the car's owners as you forgot to leave a note, and we have included not only the bills for their car repairs, but also for the landscaping service to replace the young tree. Please be aware that if payment arrangements are not made within 60 days a civil suit will be filed. I have also been told that an officer will be visiting you in the near future, something about a hit and run...

I have, I believe addressed your complaints, and in response to your demand for a $50,000 gift card, I have spoken to our corporate office and the company will be donating a $50,000 gift card to the local victims of violent crimes and the homeless shelter in your honor. I believe that will fully satisfy your demands.

Thank you for contacting us, and we wish you and yours a happy and safe holiday free of food poisoning.


U. Gotcaught
Store Manager

Officer Notsofriendly

Dear gift shop owner:

I am writing in regards to a horrible experience I had recently at your store. I took my 6 little angels (ages 3-11) out to buy presents for daddy and grandmama. I believe in natural nurturing and that they learn from your mistakes, but your sales person was most unhelpful. She told me that the other people in the store complained about some sort of breakage problem! I can not imagine that and refuse to pay for some story that they made up. They probably broke it and were blaming it on my babies. There were some awful people singing what sounded like religious music outside the store, I can't abide religious music on christmas, so I told my little Anthony to make it stop. Then the store manager kicked us out, all because little Anthony kicked one man in the shins. I may have made some rude comments or gestures, as may have my children on the way out, however I do not think that threatening to call the police was an appropriate response by you manager.

I am horrified to say that after finishing my shopping and arriving home there were police at my house! Can you imagine what the neighbors must have thought! They went on and on about shoplifting (as if my babies would do such a thing), threats, and attempt to do bodily harm with an automobile. I am currently fighting these trumped up charges, and as they originated from your store manager's autrocious behavior, I am demanding you pay all of my legal fees, as well as providing a $10,000 gift card to each of my little angels for the trama this incident has caused. If you do not give me everything I want, I will sue you. I know a lawyer!

Ima Brat

12-23-2010, 02:50 PM
Dear Ms Brat,

You know a lawyer? Great! So do we! I'm sure they'll meet sometime in the very near future, specifically on the date of your court summons. We have the antics of you and your children on videotape, plus a list of all the items you have stolen, written statements from customers and employees who have witnessed your shenanigans, as well as the countersuit the singer is filing against your linebacker-sized Anthony for shattering his shin.

I'm glad you know a lawyer. You're going to need all the help you can get.

Don Tsteal,
Manager, Glass Menagerie Gifts

* * * * *

Dear Fabric Store Manager,

I came into your store with intention of decorating my fabulous nightclub. I corralled your lowly servant girl and demanded that she measure out all the fifty-two bolts I had picked out. When she asked me if I'd taken measurements of what I needed to cover, I could not believe her audacity. Who takes measurements before they begin a project? You just grab what you need and get moving!

Well, when I abandoned her to her work to get more fabric, I came back to the cutting table and she'd gone! When I demanded to know where the servant had gone, her fellow servant said some nonsense about helping other customers. What rot! Those proles aren't spending nearly as much as I would have, and I demand to be waited on hand and foot! I mean, I am a famous nightclub owner! What do they do? Naturally I walked out without all that fabric.

I am insulted and incensed that your lowly servant girl wouldn't drop everything and serve me and only me. I demand that she be burned at the stake and you give me a million dollar gift card and send some more servants over to decorate my place!

Hugh Jego-Maniac, owner,
Deca Dance Night Club

12-30-2010, 08:00 AM
Dear Mr. Jego-Maniac,

Our employees are not your servants and there are other customers besides you so you'll have to accept that. All of your requests are denied and none of my employees will be decorating your place.


Fabric Store Manager

Dear Japanese Restaurant Owner,

I recently came to your restaurant and ordered salmon sushi. When I took a bite, I realized that it was raw. I informed your waitress and she told me that the salmon is supposed to be raw in sushi. I told her to cook it and she had the nerve to insist that the salmon in sushi is not cooked. I want this waitress fired for being rude to me and free salmon sushi; with the salmon cooked. If you don't do this, I will report you to the board of health.


Mrs. Salmonsushi

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-11-2011, 12:13 AM
Dear Salmonsushi:

I am sorry to hear of your bad experience. We have taken salmon sushi off our menu. However, as a goodwill gesture, I would like to invite you back to our restaurant to enjoy fugu, specially prepared by our new sushi chef. He may have only one eye and only one arm, but we feel he's as good as they come. So if you let us know when you'd like to drop by, we'll be ready and waiting.

Tays T. Fish


Dear D-Reg Airlines:

I was booked on the flight from St. Louis to New York. There was a heavy ice storm, and pieces were falling off the plane, but the flight went on as scheduled because some people complained they wouldn't know what to do if the flight was canceled and had a lot of frequent flyer miles or something.

Half an hour into the flight the plane nosedived into a cornfield and exploded. I'm dead now, along with everybody else on the plane.

What kind of airline puts service over the bottom line anyway?

Know that I will never fly your airline again, what with me being dead and all.

Ima Stiff

01-11-2011, 04:00 AM
Dear Ms Stiff,

Wow, I'm impressed. This is the first time I've gotten a complaint letter via Ouija Board.

We have settled out of court with your next of kin, so rest well.

Shaw D. Workmanship, Owner,
D-Reg Airlines

* * * * *

Deer Grossery Store Corprate,

I was in yore place buying my food and chattin with yore purty little casheer. Well, I was all friendly-like, maybe sed a few remarks about them nice big titties she was sportin. Then she gets all riled up, like an ol wet hen and calls a manajur over! Well, they all had a nasty attitude and demanded I leave the store!

I wuz insulted and thrown out, all cuz I was just chattin with some cute little big-titty girl! Ain't that allowed anymore? Where's my Freedom of Speach? I demand a big settlement and a date with that girl or you won't get none of my money no more!

Nass T. Sleaze

01-12-2011, 03:36 PM
Mr. Sleaze,

The 'big-titty girl' happens to be the wife of the owner of this franchise. She was helping out because the regular cashier could not be here due to the impending snow storm. she is a wonderful woman who is always willing to help her employees and she inspires great loyalty. As a corporate employee, I personally investigated this incident. After reviewing the tapes i can tell you that you not only spoke to the woman in question, but also laid hands upon her in such a way that we have enacted a permanant restraining order against you to prevent you from coming within 500 yard of both the store and the woman in question. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the woman you assulted is also an enthusiastic member of NRA.

The employee that you punched and bit with your three teeth is also filing a lawsuit against you for punative damages. We are providing him with a top notch lawyer. Given the fact that the judge has enacted the restraining order, we feel no need to placate you or acceed to your childish demands so you will receive no further communication from us unless you come to the store, in which case you will receive a visit from a police officer.

After one of your 'friends' translates this into whatever language you speak, take this chance to study the english language. It is a thing of beauty.

Have a nice life, and try to stay 500 yards away at all times!

Ayard I Sthreefeet

To Whom This May Concern:

I made use of your call system today and was horrified to find an actual person answered. I did not wish to speak to a human and was extremely flustered and unable to complete my transaction. As a result I was assessed a $35.00 late fee.

Since the late fee and my distress are due to your associates extremely unprofessional behavior in answering the phone, I believe that my $35.00 late fee should be removed and my total balance of $45,000 should be forgiven. I do not believe such incompetence should be tolerated and if you don't show me that you agree with me I will take my business else where!


Ima Greedybeeoch

Irving Patrick Freleigh
01-18-2011, 10:22 PM
Dear Greedybeotch:

In accordance with your complaint, we have fired all our customer service representatives and outsourced their jobs to Outer Slobovia. So not only can you consider your late fees valid and payable, but you also get the satisfaction of putting hard-working Americans out of work. Congratulations.

I.M.D Bigshot


Dear Pay N' Get Out Department Store:

My daughter visited your store last week after school with a couple friends. They told her to stand around and watch for store employees while they went down a different aisle.

Next thing my daughter knew, she was locked up in an office in the back someplace, accused of being an "accessory." Hello? The girls went nowhere near the jewelry department? All that happened was my daughter stood and watched for store employees while her friends stuffed bags of circus peanuts down their shirts, pants and into their coats. Why did my daughter get dragged into that office with the police along with her friends?

Might I remind you the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution states that nobody can be deprived of life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness without due process of law. Obviously your security gestapo aren't familiar with this concept.

Besides my daughter is a good girl. That one girl she was with is a TRAMP and her mother's a troublemaker. Did you know that many years ago she was arrested at that same store for stealing a cassette single of the song "Friends and Lovers" by Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson? I know because I was there with her.

Drop the charges against my daughter and lift the ban against her from the store, or else I will sue you and my daughter and I will never shop at your store again.

Low. Z. Parent

01-19-2011, 03:33 AM
Dear Low Z. Parent,

Your daughter was an accomplice so she's just as guilty as her friends. Therefore we will not drop the charges nor lift the ban.


Department Store Manager

Dear Craft Store Manager,

I was recently in your store buying some yarn and supplies. When I got to the counter, your rude employee refused to give me my senior discount. I told her that I would be graduating high school this year and she still made me pay full price. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and free yarn for the 4 years I'll be in college or I will never shop at your store again.


H. S. Senior

01-19-2011, 03:42 AM
Dear H. S. Senior,

Hang on, I recognize you! I saw you at the liquor store the other day! When the cashier asked for your ID, you showed him your High School ID, and then yelled at him for not accepting it.

Frankly, I'm amazed they're letting you graduate on time, as dense as you are. They must be as sick of your crap as all the stores around here are.

As for the senior discount, that's for senior citizens, 65 years and over, NOT High School Seniors! Your request is denied.

Flora L'Arrangement,
Big Pile O' Craft store


Dear KFC,

I can't believe how rude your employees are! All I wanted was a hamburger for lunch, and they wouldn't serve me one! They spouted some nonsense about how they didn't have hamburgers at KFC, and told me to read the menu. I'm the customer, I shouldn't have to read! And everyplace serves hamburgers!

I want a zillion dollar gift card for my trouble, and all the free hamburgers I can eat!

Red Meateater

Grape The Cat
01-19-2011, 07:22 PM
Dear Mr. Meateater:
We don't serve hamburgers, therefore your request has been denied.
Chick N. Sandwich
KFC customer service


Dear clothing store:
i went to one of your stores and I was appalled at the lack of service I received. First of all I asked an employee what material made up some pants. The rude employee told me to read the label. Next, I went to try on some shoes but you incompetent employees wouldn't buckle my shoe for me. Then I said I had a problem with a bra. I was wearing the bra at the time . The employee asked to see the bra and I told your rude employee I was wearing it. She said that undergarments could help me! She is lazy!When i finally got some one to help me I fellt like a special needs person because of the way they explained things. Lastly I asked one of your employees what size I would take and she said a 12! a 12!!! I am appalled!!! I am writing about my experiences for a major newspaper.

I. Bea Ahack

01-31-2011, 01:01 AM
Dear Ms. Ahack,

Our employees are there to help serve customers but they are not your servants. If you need help shopping, I would suggest that you bring someone who knows about clothing when you come back here.

Speaking of which, I must ban you from the store. Based on how you acted, all of my employees have refused to serve you again.


F. Ashion
Clothing Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your store after a late evening at the office and your store was closed. I told the employees to let me in and they refused so I used a cart to smash the window. One of the employees had the nerve to call the police and have me arrested. I want these employees fired for being rude to me, the charges dropped, and a $400 gift card to make up for being arrested or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Late

01-31-2011, 02:45 PM
Dear Mrs. Late

At the time you will get out from jail due to all of your law-breaking activities, all of the employees will have retired. Regarding your claim for a gift card, what would you do with it in jail?

And think that we can survive without your monthly $2 "shopping".


Mr Big
Grocery Store Manager


Dear Automotive Dealer

I bought a car from you, but it stopped running after 50 miles. The tow-truck driver said that this is what happens when the car runs out of gas.

This is OUTRAGEOUS. You didn't tell me that cars can run out of gas! I demand that you make my car independent of gas, or that you provide me with lifetime suppy of gas free of charge!

If you don't carry out my request, I will sue you and bring over my buddies from Hells Angels to pay you a courtesy visit!


Mr. Dou Ch. Ebag

02-01-2011, 02:28 AM
Dear Mr. Ebag:

Oh, do feel free to discuss your issues with us with your "friends" in the Outlaws. I am sure that they strongly appreciate being called Angels, and will gladly show their appreciation on you. I assume also that they, unlike you, have graduated from elementary school, and know that internal combustion engines (like those in cars and motorcycles) require gasoline to operate, and that that gasoline has to be replaced occasionally. They might show you how that works, too - I hear exhaust pipes make great straws.

As I expect that even after you get out of the hospital, driving will be a challenge for you, your request for free gas is denied. We do appreciate your being a customer of AD, however, so I have attached information on receiving low-cost bus passes for seniors and the disabled.

I. Ver, LLD., on behalf of
C. Heavy, Managing Director,
Automotive Dealer.

================================================== ===

Dear Support Manager:

I bought your product and its support contract a week ago, and it still isn't running. When I called in, the person that answered wouldn't install it for me like I asked; not only that, she wouldn't tell me what to do while I did it. She actually referred me to the MANUAL! If I wanted to know how it worked, I would have accepted your company's offer of a demo.

Furthermore, I am not just any Joe Blow with a computer, I am an official Windows Administrator. How dare you think the receptionist can answer my calls? And yet, when I asked her, politely, if there was a real technician I could speak to, she told me she'd check. But the guy I got after the transfer told me that only Sally knew that specific part of the product well enough to help, and transferred me back! You'll go out of business if you don't hire techs that are better than the secretary.

If I don't hear back tomorrow with details of when your technician will be flying out here to set up my software, and a free year's extension to my support contract, I will be telling all my friends on Facebook and Twitter about your shoddy service.

P. E. B. Cak, B.Sc., A+, MCSE, ESO
VP Network Administration
Entitlement World, Inc.

(I wish I could say I was making any of this up - M)

02-18-2011, 11:42 AM
Dear Mr. Cak,

My secretary was correct in referring you to the manual. Learn to read it.


Head Tech

Dear Cable Company,

I was trying to watch On Demand and an error message came up. I called and your rude secretary told me that they were doing maintenance. This ruined my entire night and I had to find something else to do. I demand free cable for the next two months to make up for my ruined night or I will switch cable companies.


Mr. Cable

02-19-2011, 04:08 PM
Dear Ms Cable,

We stopped by your home, and you were maintaining your sidewalk by shoveling it. Since you chose to do maintaince on your property without regard to our wanting to walk on it right that moment, we demand a settlement equal to the cost of your cable for the next two months, payable in two installments. If you agree to our settlement for doing your maintaince on your schedule instead of ours, we will do the same.

With no regrets,

S.C. Hater

To whom it may concern:

I called to cancel my service yesterday. They told me that to cancel I had to pay them. I think this is totally unfair. They pointed out that I signed a contract or something saying I would. Who reads contracts anyways? I don't think that I should have to pay it. I demand you remove the charge so I can have service with the competitor.

Shame Less

Grape The Cat
03-05-2011, 01:39 PM
Dear Shame Less,
The contract you signed is a legal binding document. Since you refuse to pay the cancellation fee as per the contract we are turning your account over to collections.

Reed B. Foresigning


Dear food company,

I saw one of your ads where a child said "piehole" this is gratuitous and shameful language. It is not enough that I see the dregs of society from my office in a grocery store, i now have to put up with it on TV. I demand that you pull this ad and give me free products for life because of the emotional trauma that hearing that sort of language has caused my children.

Mrs. Richard Head

Irving Patrick Freleigh
03-07-2011, 10:44 PM
Dear Dick Head:

I am enclosing a letter we recently received. I just thought you should know some asshole is signing your name to stupid complaint letters.




Dear Stuff N' Shove Discount Store,

Your nasal spray selection sucks!

Ron E. Noze

03-08-2011, 09:32 AM
Mr. Noze,

After reviewing security footage of you latest "shopping" trip and consultation with our product specialists, I must inform you that Fleet brand does not produce any nasal spray. The product that you acquired instead is used at the further end you your torso.

While an imaginative use of said product, such displays are NOT allowed within the store, especially on the sales floor. From this time forth you are banned.

Ms. Seenit All


Hey stupid airport peoples

Why didnt that parking biatch hold my plane for me?

B.G. Momma

03-08-2011, 01:25 PM
Dear Ms Momma

We HAD the plane holding for you, but after watching you to try and park in an empty parking for 30 minutes and failing blatantly,we decided that the pilot couldn't take more (he was having stomach ache after laughing so hard watching you) and had to let the plane go.

Dear Fly&Horror

I was flying in one of your tours, but as we approached our destination the pilot told that a blizzard was going on at the destination, and he was detouring to another airport.

This was totally unacceptable. It made me come two hours late to a dinner with my family. Therefore I demand that you fire that incompetent pilot and furthermore I demand that Fly&Horror gives me and my family free tickets for the rest of our lives!

Mrs A.W. SomBt

03-16-2011, 06:00 AM
Dear Mrs. SomBt,

The weather was unsafe for flying so the plane had to make a detour. Therefore, all of your requests are denied.


Airline Manager

Dear Bar Manager,

I drank 12 cans of beer right before I came over. When I ordered a margarita, your rude bartender told me that since I looked intoxicated he could only give me the non-alcoholic version. I told him that he was to give me what I wanted and he refused. I want this bartender fired for being rude to me and all the free margaritas I can drink for life or I will never come to your bar again.


Mr. Drunk

03-17-2011, 11:58 AM
Mr Drunk.
We have actually been waiting for you to either come back to our bar or contact us so we would know where to send the bill for the items you destroyed, I still do not understand how a person can break three bar stools and two tables upon WALKING INTO the bar let alone break four more tables on their way out after being denied service. It was only a shame the police did not arive in time, how-ever please be advised you will be seeing them soon. As for you request: Hell no and we have also posted a picture of you near the door with the little circle with slash through it to keep you out.

Mc. Guinness - Owner

Dear newsgroup:
Why the hell did you stop responding to my tickets after I mentioned copy righted information, in my country they do not care if it is illegal in the US or not so you should still assist me with getting my download of the new Fable 3 game or else I shall tell all my friends about how horrible yous are, and also I shall call your US head quarters and demand to speak to your CEO about such a misleading company! Gimmie my video game and free year of your service!


(BTW I did not make that up, only change some details)

Grape The Cat
03-22-2011, 02:16 PM
Dear I. M. Moron,

We are not going to commit copyright infringement for you. Go ahead and tel of of your friends, the more people who know about our policies regarding copyrighted information the better. In addition, while they mat not care in your country whether something is illegal in the United States. We, being a company based in the United States, do care. Therefore we cannot give you your free video game or a year of free service.

U.S. Citizen
Dear food store manager:
I went to your food store and I was appalled that you had non-Kosher items marked down. Your rude employee told me that you had Kosher items marked down as well but that doesn't matter. Your policy is unfair to Jewish people and is Anti-Semitic. I think you are a bunch of Nazis, otherwise you would be fair to the Jewish people, give me free Kosher products for life or I will call the media and report you for your Anti-Semitic policies and your employment of Nazis.

Bea Kvetching

03-24-2011, 10:44 PM
Dear Bea,
Gevalt! I haven't seen you at synagogue in so long, I thought you'd died, God forbid.

And now you're telling me how to run my business? What do you know from business? May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground!

Al Eichem-Shalom, manager
Neighborhood Market


Deer theutur manujur,

We went too yore play, "Hamlet". I thot it wuz sposed to be a cute muzical bout a baby pig on the farm. There wernt no muzic an we cuddnt unnerstan a word them akters werr sayin! Whut's wid all taht "thee" and "thou" crap? Yore in Amreica, yore sposed to speek Engalish!

An all that sord-fightin, an that leed aktor talkin too a skull! Scared my childrun!

I wan my munny bak, a publik app aplo say yore sorry to mah fammily, an make yore aktors speek Engalish frum now on!

Phil Istine

03-25-2011, 04:50 PM
Dear Mr. Istine,

Enclosed is our Hamlet script. Also, your requests are denied.


Theater Manager

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I handed my grocery list to one of your employees, told her to get those items for me, and she had the nerve to offer to show me where the items were. When I come to your store, I expect your employees to get my items and check them out for me since that's their job and good customer service. I want your employees retrained on the importance of good customer service. I also want my next shopping order for free or I'll shop online from now on.


Mrs. Lazy

Andrew B.
03-26-2011, 01:21 AM
Dear Ms. Lazy,

Our store policy is that a person gathers their own purchases and brings them to the front by themselves. Also you did not include any form of payment with that list. Were we to assume that the employee was supposed to pay for your purchases? Your request for free merchandise is denied.


Dear Public School District,

I am furious to hear that one of your teachers cared enough about my grandchildren to try to contact me at home. I can't be bothered to talk to a waste of space like her. I have so many grandchildren in your district that I can't keep track of them all or make sure they go to school. I demand her head on a pike and want all of my relatives to pass to the next grade even if they haven't made the grades or even attended the required number of days.

Ima Psycho

(That is based off of a real grandparent of a couple of my mother's students. I think I actually toned her DOWN in this.)

03-26-2011, 02:32 AM
Dear Miss/Ms Psycho,

Thank you for your letter. We have been trying to contact you for days in regard to the "item" your grandchild brought to school for show & tell. Now that we have your attention, please give my regards to the nice police officers and the social worker from the Children's Protective Services office. Have a nice day.

Sincerely, the Public School District of Yourtown


Dear Theater Manager,

I went to the 4:00 showing of the new movie, Exploding Car Chases, last Saturday afternoon. When I went inside the theater at about, oh, I guess 5:30 or so, the movie was half over. So I went up to the projection room and demanded they start over so I could watch the whole thing from the beginning, and the rude little bastard running the film refused! I have NEVER been so insulted by a peon in my life! He made all kinds of noise about my being late, well, that's just not fair! I paid good money for my ticket at the $2.00 matinee and never got to see the movie! I demand free movie tickets and a lifetime supply of popcorn with extra butter!!!11!!

Yours truly,
A. Dickhead

Grape The Cat
03-26-2011, 05:36 PM
Dear A. Dickhead,
You entered the theater fifteen minutes before the end credits. Our box office worker tried to tell you that hr film was almost over but you went into the theater anyway. You tried to intimidate the projectionist and he refused your request as we had another showing of the film in forty-five minutes. In addition, you said you bought a ticket for Exploding Car Chases , but the theater that you entered was showing the romantic comedy My Best Friend's Baby Shower. Your attempted intimidation of our projectionist your profanity laced tirade which followed his refusal, have caused me to ban you from our theater. Therefore your requests for free tickets and popcorn are denied.

Phil M. Critic
Theater manager

Dear college library,

Last week i went to your library so that my daughter could do some research for her essay which counts as fifty percent of her grade. I asked one of your employees for help and he only showed us where the books were located and told us how to log onto the computer as guests. When i asked him whether he would do the essay which counts for fifty percent of my daughter's grade he refused. I am outraged that he would treat my child in such a manner. This is a state college and I am a taxpayer. I demand respect from your employees because I pay their salary, i demand that you find this worker make him do my daughters essay and also have him write an hand-written letter of apology. When I asked your librarian to force the worker to write my daughter's essay, which is fifty percent of her grade. Your snooty librarian mentioned that my request amounted to plagiarism. Well, so what? This essay counts for fifty percent of my daughter's grade. it is disheartening and outrageous that you risk the academic carrier of a future taxpayer because your employees are too lazy to do a little work. In addition i would like all of my daughters essays to be written by one of your workers. My daughter has cheer leading, dance, Honor Society, math club and field hockey she way to busy to waste her time unlike your stoned, druggie workers. If you do not do these thing I will sue for $500,000 dollars for emotional trauma and therapy for my daughter.

Vy Carious

03-31-2011, 04:55 PM
Dear Mr. Carious,

As your daughter was so kind as to inform us of the class she was taking and since she blantently attempted to bribe, and then threaten, our employee in order to have him complete her paper, we have reported her to the appropriate ethics committee. Please be watching in the mail for the documents detailing her expullsion from our school.

thank you

The librarians

Dear sir,

I want to file a complaint with your so-called 'adoption center.' I took my little schnookums there on 10/30 to get a small dog to compliment her wizard of oz Dorothy costume. the woman working wanted my information and requested my landlord's contact information as well. She questioned my credetials as if I was under investigation! I feel this was an invasion of privacy that should not stand. How do I know this woman will not stalk my darling little girl and I. Schnookums is only 23, and she needs to have the best costume, and I, as a 57 year old business man, am in a position to get it for her. To ask for me for personal information would be unthinkable, as my wife can't find out about this! I figure I can tell her the credit card bill was from a donation. I promised to return the dog on 11/01 if she was that worried about it and she could consider it a rental fee but she seemed angered. I even explained that the animal would be fed appropriately at my hotel and that we had a plan to get it there. We would have to smuggle it in our luggage to get it on the plane and into the hotel, but that should not be a problem for such a small dog?!?!

In short, I was denied the animal of my choice although I offered sufficient funds. I think this is discriminatory, and I want that front desk girl investigated for possibly stealing people's identity.

Thank you

Sug Erdaddy

Grape The Cat
04-04-2011, 01:31 PM
Dear Mr Erdaddy,
We check information to make sure that the applicant is an ideal home for our animals. We ask for landlord information because we need to make sure that pets are allowed at the property. In addition your "plan" for the dog would cause it to be harmed and we cannot knowingly adopt an animal out to a situation where they would be harmed. Also we do not rent animals.

Jack Russell-Terrier
Animal adoption coordinator
Dear store manager,
I was shopping at your store yesterday and I was highly insulted. I had to get to school to pick up my darling daughter from detention, and there was a teenager in front of me. I got in front of him, and he said that he was next. What's more your cashier had the audacity to agree with him. The kid couldn't be more than seventeen. He's not an adult and was probably a slacker, as well as being some sort of loser. Your cashier was obviously his mother or some other relative because no one else would allow a teenager who spends maybe $50 in your store. to be taken ahead of a loyal customer who spends $500 a week at your store. I demand that the cashier responsible for this grave injustice be fired and that I be given my next purchase for free. If you do not do these things I will never shop at your store again and will tell all of my family and friends never to shop at your store again, and sue you for the emotional distress my darling daughter had to endure because I was two minutes late picking her up. I will also report your family-unfriendly practices to the media.

Helen Ahandbag

04-07-2011, 08:19 PM
Ms. Ahandbag

Though you probably don't remember due to the number of times you spoke over the cashier in question, you dealt with me yesterday. I am the one who refused to cash you out until you got in line and waited your turn. No the gentleman in front of you was not my son but was in stead one of our most loyal customers who is in almost every day for one thing or another. He has also brought us more business than anyone else I know of. So please follow through on your threat to shop elsewhere as my cashiers have been instructed to no longer serve you.


Manager Buddica

Dear Boozamahall inc:

I used your product and I demand a full refund. Not only did your product get me black out drunk it caused me to wake up next to an ugly person I'd never met before. This is all your fault! I demand a full refund and a formal apology for ever producing something with such horrible side effects.

No Love,

Donorma Ownlimits

Grape The Cat
04-09-2011, 11:18 PM
Dear Ms Ownlimits,
In our commercials we state that you should use your product resposibly. In addition, there are warnings on the package cautioning you about the dangers of said product. Your request for a refund and a formal apology are denied. We are however sending you some booklets regarding the dangers of alcohol and how to consume our product in a safe manner.

Al Cohol
Customer Service Representative

Dear food store,
I went to your store the other day and I tried to order a cake for by child's birthday. When i placed my order your rude bakery worker insisted that i spell out my child's name. While my child was there! This was supposed to be a surprise! In addition the cake would take 2 hours! Hello! His birthday was that day! I cannot believe that you would break a child's heart like this and anyway who doesn't know how to spell WillYam?? I want the worker fired and free cakes fo life for everyone in my family and the worker fired. If you do do not do these things I will never shop at your store again!

Ms. I. Bea Procrastinator

04-09-2011, 11:50 PM
Dear Ms. Procrastinator
William? The name you wanted on the cake, according to the cameras we have installed was roughly 'Yeserman', which was in very slurred speech. Do you not know your own child's name? As for the cake taking two hours, yes that is very incorrect. You wanted a 5 layer 20"x20" at the base cake. Two hours wouldn't not have been possible. I am afraid your requests have to be denied, and since you drunkenly cursed out and threatened our employees..you are hereby banned from our stores. Child protective services should be stopping by soon to chat, as you was witnessed driving away with your child in the care..while drunk I might add.

Yours truly,
Mr. Getalife
CEO of "The cake is not a lie"

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Dear Shopping Centre
I have never been so insulted in all of my life. I came into your establishment, and proceeded to buy six carts worth of goods. Well, ok..I forced your employees to..by giving them a list, demanding that they do my shopping while I got my hair done. I'm very important you know, and have to look good. Well, it took them an hour to get it done! The nerve. As if that was not bad enough, when I went to check out..the closest checkout was a 20 item or less lane. There were three other isles open, but I did not feel like walking..and being so important knew the 20 items or less was meant for others..not myself. The cashier asked if they could separate my order to a couple of lanes!! How dare they! Don't they know I have to check the price of every item, and if it is even a cent off send somebody to check the price?!!

I want your cashier talked to about customer service, my entire purchase free, and personal shoppers every time I come in to your store..for life. Or I will take my business elsewhere.

Yours truly,
Mrs. Highenmighty.

04-10-2011, 09:46 PM
Mrs. Highenmighty,

It is not the responsibility of my employees to do your shopping for you. Nor is it remotely appropriate to demand my entire staff be at your beck and call for the duration of your shopping trip. Also we are a dollar store, your six carts worth of product amounted to just under $30 as most of the items were large. It is now my gleeful duty to tell you to that you are hereby banned from our stores as our entire chain has determined you to be an entitlement whore who isn't worth our time and effort.

That goes double for your mother,
G. Etoveryourself

Whirlygigs inc-

I bought a pinwheel for my daughter to play with at your location. After all the shiny foil made the perfect gift for my precious 3 month old princess. She tried to eat it and your pinwheel cut my snookem's mouth! I demand compensation! The employee that sold it to me should have done more than tell me it was inappropriate for a child my daughter's age! I demand that they are fired right away for allowing a child to come to such harm.

- M. Otherofyear

04-11-2011, 04:09 AM
Dear Ms. Otherofyear,

My employee was in the right when she told you that the pinwheel was not appropriate for a 3 month old. Your compensation request is denied and the employee who sold you the pinwheel has been promoted to shift supervisor.


Whirlygigs Manager

Dear Pretzel Factory Manager,

I came in right before closing to buy some soft pretzels and was served by this generous and handsome young man. I decided I had to have him so I waited in my car until he left and followed him home. When I got there, I was steamed when I saw him with another woman in his house so I used a wrench to smash his car windows and a knife to slash the tires. I demand you tell this young man to dump his woman and date me or I'll buy my soft pretzels elsewhere from now on.


S.T. Alker

04-16-2011, 03:09 AM
Dear Ms Alker,

Thank you for your informative letter. We were especially fond of the return address, and we gave the whole thing to the local police department. Expect a visit from Officer Friendly, complete with lovely shiny matching bracelets, and a lawsuit from my employee for damages to his car.

Very sincerely,
Steele Spine, manager, Pretzel Factory


Dear Groceries-Я-Us,

I was buying my weekly groceries, and the young lady ringing my order up was wearing the most beautiful choker I'd ever seen. Naturally, I wanted it, and asked her for it. She refused to give it to me, saying it was a gift from her late grandmother! What poppycock! The customer is always right, and I wanted that choker, so she should've given it to me!

I demand a gift card for $1,000,000, and that choker, and the firing of that rude bitch for not giving me her own personal property!

Ann Titlement-Whore

Grape The Cat
04-16-2011, 02:22 PM
Dear Ms. Titlement-Whore:

We are not allowed to force employees to give you their personal property. In addition, it is not a lie that the cashier received the choker from her deceased grandmother. Her grandmother worked for us, and gave it to her granddaughter as a high school graduation gift. We have also reviewed the security camera footage of that register, and that footage showed you attempting to rip off our employee's choker. Your harassment and attempted theft has caused me to ban you from the store. Your requests have been denied.

Lois Prices
store manager
Groceries- R-Us
Dear Motel 5:

I went into one of your establishments and i was treated so rudely that it pains me to put the whole experience into words. Firstly, your rude employee had the gall to tell me that just because my reservation was from ten months ago that you are no longer holding the room! Then, when I asked for a first floor smoking room with a mini-fridge and two king-sized beds, your extremely rude employee told me that they had none available. I told them just to make a non-smoking room a smoking room and to give me a discount because of the horrible customer service I had experienced. The employee told me they could not do that, which i know is a lie because my roommate's sister's cousin's friend's former roommate said that you could. And she worked in the hotel business. I demand that my room cost be refunded(I didn't stay with you but that's your fault) and that from now on a room that meets my wants be held for me because I am a platinum member of your club.

Sasha Payne-Diaz

04-24-2011, 10:20 AM
Dear Mr. Payne-Diaz,

We can only hold rooms during the reservation times unless other noted. We can't promise that a room will be available since other guests also reserve our rooms but your money for the room will be fully refunded.


Hotel Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went to the service desk, told the employee that an item rang up incorrectly, and she had the nerve to tell me that she needed to check the price. She should've taken my word for it since I'm the customer and the customer is always right. I want this employee retrained on the importance of good customer service. I also want a $40 gift card to make up for having my time wasted or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Honest

Grape The Cat
04-24-2011, 02:47 PM
Dear Mrs Honest:
Our employees have to check prices because, if there was an error, it needs to be fixed and the price-checking will ensure that any errors are corrected. This is company policy. We will not punish employees for following company policy. Therefore your request for a gift card has been denied.
Bryce Checker
store manager
Dear Burger Prince CEO:
I went to one of your locations the other day and ordered a Grilled chicken sandwich with watercress and arugula on a low-carb bun and a glass of white wine. Well your rude waiter told me that they do not do custom orders and do not serve alcohol. Excuse me? I am the customer and therefore always right, I am not a high school drop-out earning minimum wage. I say what I want and your employees make what I want. That's how customer service works. I demand that that waiter be fired and that I get a $50,000 gift card.
Sue Perior

Irving Patrick Freleigh
04-24-2011, 10:21 PM
Dear Sue Perior:

Please accept our apologies for your poor experience, along with this coupon for a free chicken by-product and limp lettuce sammich and a glass of cooking wine.

Billions served, but how many eaten?


Dear Burger Kate Middleton:

I was rudely thrown out of your restaurant today! Something about a fire caused by the fry cooks changing the fryer oil and putting in motor oil or something. My burger-eating experience was RUINED!

Give me free food for life and the deed to the restaurant.

Sue Persizemee

04-25-2011, 04:38 AM
Dear Ms. Persizemee-

We're very sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction with our service. After reviewing your complaint and an investigation into the matter, it was determined that temporarily closing down the restaurant to deal with a serious safety issue was in the best interest of all concerned.

Also find enclosed a coupon for an all expenses paid trip to the Moon . . one way.

We look forward to serving you in the future . . .


Ms. Crispy Critter
VP - Burger Kate Middleton


Dear Computer Shoppe-

I just recently purchased a computer from you but after I got it home it wouldn't turn on. I called back and a smartass employee had the nerve to tell me I had to push a power button to make the computer work.

I may be ignorant but I ain't stupid . . . computers are supposed to be smart enough to turn themselves on. I thought everyone knew that.

And of all things, I was also told they have to be plugged up. I thought that's what a power supply was for . . . to provide power without having to plug it up into the wall.

I demand a new computer and the employee fired for my troubles.


I. Iz Adumbasse

04-25-2011, 07:33 AM
Dear Mr/Mrs Customer,

I'm sorry that your vehicle is a piece of sh*t and that years of neglected maintenance and disregard on vehicle ownership, (beside the every once in a while oil change) has caused it to smoke,squeak,shutter,cry in pain and fail to function. I am further disappointed that your expectations in how long it would take to find and fix the problem in the 30 mins you had free were not met. Maybe next time we should call in a medicine man from the outskirts of the Amazon to put 'a bandaid on a knife wound' so you can make it to your highly important appointment with colleagues at the bar and drink your brain cells away.

Despite our best efforts in the one hour you requested the problem to be fixed, while you yelled at our sales staff about how much longer it would take to solve the issue, our surgical team of technicians had deemed it a lost cause and inputted a time of death.

We here at the autocenter suggest other forms of transportation such as the public bus system since your vehicle is real danger to not only yourself but to other drivers on the road. We have notified the EPA as we believe it is potentially the next “Chernobyl”

And please inform us if you find any shop who can do an entire brake job on your highly expensive European vehicle in less than an a hour besides conjuring wizards from the nether world as we would like to know what deals they have made with the evil lord of the darkness to make such promises.

Lastly we would like to offer you a coupon towards the purchase of a brain.

The ‘doesn’t know crap about cars or customer service’ Manager.


Dear Auto Center Manager

I brought my very expensive European vehicle in to your shop for a diagnostic cause I was too cheap to take it to the dealer. I was very angry that it took your mechanics over an hour to find why my engine had fallen out. I was even more disappointed that the cheap tires I had bought for it 10 years ago did not last the 100,000 miles I wanted them to last, even though I never checked the tire pressure or rotated the tires. No one told me that I had to do maintence on my vehicle, I figured since I take it to your shop that after I left a pit crew would follow me every where I went and would jump out at a moments notice as soon as a problem arisen.

On top of that that I am disappointed that I would have to pay to get the honkin huge ass steal pipe flat fixed on the tire cause I did not buy the warranty and feel I should not have to pay since I bought them from your autocenter 10 years ago. Your sales staff was very rude to me when I continually yelled at them as to why it was taking soooo long to fix my car. That’s why no one come to your shop anymore cause I can get a new engine installed down the street in 5 mins at a competitor and for only $20 dollars. I had to miss a very important meeting and feel I should be compensated for my time. I am also going to write a letter to corporate, every news station and people at my AA meetings.

Speshful C*ntomer

05-01-2011, 07:20 AM
Dear Speshful Customer,

There are such things as car rental places. You might want to go to one so you can have a car while yours gets fixed-which'll be about a month.


Auto Manager

Dear Tea Store Manager,

I recently came to your store to buy some of your wonderful tea. When I got there, all of your employees were helping other customers and I was in a hurry to get to my bank job, so I cut in line and one of your rude employees told me I would have to wait in line. I told her that she needed to serve me now since I work at a bank and she refused. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and my next purchase for free or I'll shop online from now on.


I.M. Patient

Grape The Cat
05-17-2011, 06:21 PM
Dear I.M. Patient,
Our employee was in the right for telling you to wait your turn. The fact that you work at a bank is irrelevant. We will not fire the employee who waited on you, and have given her a raise. Your request for free tea has been denied. Have fun shopping online.

Earl Grey
Tea shop manager
Dear cable TV company:
I am writing on behalf of my daughter who is on a fixed income. She is a single mom who has four kids. Additionally she just lost her job. Yet, your heartless tactics are making her despondent. She owed $2,898.99 on a phone bill, after several months you disconnected her service. She paid $2.00 to get her service back on which is more than enough. Yet your heartless company would not turn her service back on. It's deplorable what you do to single mothers with children! If you do not cancel my daughters remaining fees and turn on her service i will contact the media and the attorney general. In addition i demand two years of free service with premium channels for her and for me and for me and that you pay the therapist she has to see now because she can't watch the Lifetime Movie Network.
Ann Tenna

05-17-2011, 09:38 PM
Dear Ms. Tenna,
I regret to inform you that your daughter engaged in a legally binding contract with us in which we provide her with our services in exchange for regular payments from her of an amount listed on her bill. Perhaps if she had not spent 3 weeks trying to order a pizza delivery from Yinchuan in China, her bill would not have been so unreasonably high.
By all means, feel free to contact the media, they are always looking for new 'Oh, Those Crazy Crackpots' stories. The bill stands and we expect payment in full, especially if she wants to be reconnected.
Aristotle 'Telly' Fone

Dear Sir,
Who do your staff think they are, telling me that they cannot and will not deliver a pizza to me? Should it matter that I am in Nashville, Tennessee and you are in Yinchuan? No! Should it matter that you do not sell pizza? No!
I am a customer and you are required to serve me. I demand a free pizza delivered to me this evening as well as coupons to compensate me for this outrage. It is the LAW that you give me what I want.
Nom Tenna

05-17-2011, 11:26 PM
Dear Ms. Tenna,

I have reviewed your laws on the internet and nowhere does it state that I must deliver a pizza from China to the USA. Unless we could get Doctor Who to loan us his TARDIS, it would be impossible for it to arrive in any kind of edible condition anyway.

In the words of one of your great Southern philosophers, "Kiss mah grits!"

Fu On Yu, owner,
Fu's Fine Fish Market


Dear Store Manager,

Ive been tryin to get hold of you. But everytime I call you, I get the phone machine. I hang up cuz I dont wanna talk to som machine, I wanna talk to a person! When are you gonna call me bak?! This is bad costomer servis! I demand comp commp a gift card for my truoble!

Ann Onymous-Caller

05-19-2011, 02:57 AM
Dear Miss Onymous-Caller,

We use the phone machine to make sure you get the right person to speak to. Therefore, your gift card had been denied.


Store Manager

Dear Glass Store Manager,

I was recently in your store with my two children and they were bored so I told them to play with the glass figurines. When I got to the counter, your rude employee charged me for the figurines since my children decided to throw them on the floor which caused the figurines to break into several pieces. I demand you remove this charge since my children were playing with the figurines so they wouldn't be bored. If you don't do this, I will come back when you're closed and smash all your glass items.


B.R. Okenglass

Grape The Cat
05-19-2011, 10:13 PM
Dear Ms. Okenglass:
Our store has a "you break it you buy it" policy. Therefore, you are responsible for the $800 in glass figurines that your children broke. The fact that they were broken deliberately, because your children were "bored" does not matter. Your threat to cause damage to our store has been reported to the police. Based on this threat and your childrens' actions, we have banned you from the store. Do not come back.
Crystal Ann Glass
store manager
Dear Burger Baron,
i went to one of your locations the other day and I was treated so poorly that it traumatizes me to put the incident into words. I ordered a salad and it came with no dressing!!! What was I supposed to do choke to death on a dry salad. I pointed this out to the high-school dropouts you have working for you and all they did was apologize and give me dressing. Excuse me??? I was traumatized by this and I demand free meals for life and that you fire all employees you have now and replace them with better ones. All of my Facebook friends agree that i am right!! If you do not give me my demand, i will go to the media , the attorney general and my cousin who happens to be a lawyer!! Do ask i demand or else!!

Sally Ladd-Dressing

06-01-2011, 05:11 AM
Dear Ms. Ladd-Dressing,

Our policy is that salad dressing is only available upon request. Therefore, we will not fire any of our staff and your request for lifetime free meals has been denied.


Burger Manager

Dear Mini Mart Manager,

After buying a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I pulled out a cigarette, prepared to light it, and your rude employee had the nerve to tell me to step outside to light my cigarette. I am the customer and I have every right to smoke in your store if I choose to. I demand you fire the employee that sold me the cigarettes and lighter, give me free cigarettes and lighters for life, and a $400 gift card. If you don't give me what I want, I will burn your store to the ground.


Mrs. Smoker

06-02-2011, 04:41 AM
Dear Mrs. Smoker,

It is STATE LAW that smoking is prohibited in all businesses. I am enclosing a copy of the law in question, which shall be delivered by the same police officer I've given your arson threat to.

Have a nice stay at the Greybar Hotel.

Nosmo King, manager
Mini Mart


Dear Rancher's Roundup Steakhouse,

I came to your establishment to enjoy a dinner with my friends. We were horribly shocked and traumatized to find that you serve STEAK!!! Don't you realize the horrors that cows live through, only to be murdered and fed to greedy meat-eaters? I demand that you change your entire menu to vegetarian cuisine and then give me $1,000,000 for the trauma I suffered upon seeing dead animals, or I will bring PETA in to stage a protest!

Millie Tant-Vegan

06-03-2011, 08:59 PM
Ms. Tant-Vegan,
I am unsure how well this letter will go over with you, as you've prove that you have selective reading skills. However, I owe it to all customers to at least attempt to respond to their complaints. The name of our restaurant is "Rancher's Roundup Steakhouse." Now while some argue the most important word in that title is house, personally I believe it's Steak. The fact that you were shocked a restaurant with the word steak in it's name was serving steak is just, well dumbfounding.

Now we do offer some very lovely vegan and vegetarian options. There is an excellent lettuce wrap, and we have a wonderful Cob salad. So if you would like to return to our establishment, I would be willing to offer you a coupon for a vegan meal at no charge. Just to show that we as a company are supportive of that life style choice.

As for the million dollars, we will not give that to you. No one forced you into our restaurant, and no one made you eat meat. The fact that you can't read a sign puts no onus on us.

Though if you are bringing PETA over, could you ask Charles if he wants the the party platter delivered at noon again? And how many people will be participating. Last time they protested we nearly ran out of tomatoes and carrot.

Have a Moo-rific Day;
Porter Haus
Owner and Operator of Rancher's Roundup Steakhouse
Dear Regional Library,
Two weeks ago I picked up a few novels from your fine establishment. I enjoyed reading them very much.

However, when I returned today to get more books a very rude young lady told me I couldn't have anymore. She told me that i was "over the limit" for amounts of books borrowed. Borrowed? You mean I don't keep them? Then she told me that I only have a week left to return the books or I would be charged an "overdue fee."

How dare you offer me free books, and then tell me I can't keep them. Worse you now claim that if don't give them back you will charge me?! Who ever heard of such a thing?

Libraries are supposed to GIVE people books, for FREE. They are not supposed to demand the books. I never agreed to any of this. I am keeping these books.

I am sure that this particular employee has caused a lot of problem with her insane ramblings, so I will forgive you if you do a few things for me. First I want 10,000,000 books, but only ones I like. For every book I don't like, you must bring me 20 new books. Also, I want the horrible girl who said I had to return my books to be fired. And then placed in stocks (http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/12300/12397/stocks_12397_lg.gif) in front of the library where patrons can throw bad books at her. It is the only way she will ever learn.

Ella Itereight

06-04-2011, 06:01 AM
Dear Ms. Itereight,

You will need to pay $80 for the books you plan to keep since our establishment is meant for borrowing books. Also, we gave the employee that you wanted fired a raise and you won't be allowed to borrow any books whatsoever until you pay the $40 overdue fee that you owe.


L. I. Brarian

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I recently brought my puppy into the store and one of your rude employees told me that my puppy wasn't allowed in the store. I saw a woman in the store walking with a dog that had a harness and when I mentioned that, the rude employee mentioned that the woman was blind and that the dog was a guide dog. If I can't bring my puppy into the store, then that blind woman shouldn't have her dog in the store either. If you don't start allowing all dogs in your store, I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Puppydog

Grape The Cat
06-14-2011, 03:04 PM
Dear Mrs. Puppydog,
We allow service animals only. Which is why the seeing-eye dog was allowed and your dog was not allowed. We have made our no pets (except for service animals) rule clear, by posting the rule at the front entrances of our store. We are enforcing the rules given to us by our our corporate offices. You are perfectly free to shop elsewhere as we will not make an exception for you.
Polly C. Follower
store manger
Dear Mini-mart owner:
I went into your store yesterday and I was appalled at the level of service. First of all your lazy cashier wouldn't allow my eight year old to buy me wine, secondly after your rude employee insisted that i be in the store to purchase my wine she carded me!!!!!! EXCUSE ME!!!! I have a kid which is more than enough proof that I am of age . Anyway, i didn't have my ID on me so your horribly rude and insensitive employee refused to sell me my wine. The nerve of him. He is probably a loser who lives in his mother's basement!! I am a successful mother who is well-loved in this community. If you do not fire this employee and give me free wine for life I will never come to your store again. i will also tell everyone I know to do the same. I am a nurse and my husband is a police officer and we will will tell everyone we come across about you store's hateful policies. we will also contact the media, the DA and the Attorney General.
Bella Cose

06-23-2011, 11:04 PM
Dear Ms. Cose,

We're required to ask for ID on age restricted products if you look under a certain age. Also, I know a number of teen parents so having children is not proof of age.


W. Ine

Dear Gas Station Manager,

I was running low on gas so I came to your gas station to fill my tank. When I saw the amount owed, I decided that it was too high so I pulled the nozzle out, left it hanging, and drove off without paying. I demand you lower the gas prices so they're more easily affordable. If you don't do this, I will continue to get gas from you and not pay for it.


C. H. Eapgas

Grape The Cat
06-25-2011, 04:12 AM
Dear Mr. Eapgas,
We do not control the price of gasoline. Your drive off was recorded by three different cameras. Thank you for giving us your name so that we can tell the police exactly who to go after for the theft of our gasoline. We prosecute thieves to the fullest extent of the law,

Tex Aco
station manager

Dear Taco Chimes,
I went to your restaurant the other day and I was treated in such a rude manner! Your rude employee gave me the food too quickly. She was also much too cheerful! I demand that the girl serving me be reprimanded for her horrific customer service skills and that I be given a $500 gift card, to win me back as a customer. If you do not do as I have demanded I will never come to your store again and tell all of my friends and family about your horrendous and disrespectful service.

Susie Slowsky

06-26-2011, 10:44 AM
Dear Ms. Slowsky,

We're a fast food restaurant for a reason. If you want slow service, go to a restaurant where you have to wait a long time.


B. Urrito

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into the express line with a full cart and your rude employee told me that I needed to go to another line. I started unloading my cart and your rude employee had the nerve to call security and have me moved to another line. I am the customer and I have every right to go into the express line with a full cart if I choose to. I demand you retrain your employees on the importance of customer service or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Fullcart

06-30-2011, 01:05 AM
Dear Ms. Fullcart,

Your rude ass has now been banned from the store. It's called an "express" lane for a reason because we will "express" those who have more than the limit out of the store.


Supermarket Manager


Dear Proprietor,

How dare you hire those damn midgets that work at your store! I despise those freaks of nature and want all of them shot! I don't give a fuck about no political correctness either. This is a world of normal people! They are subnormal! Comply with my demands!


Ms. Nottadwarf